1 00:00:01,393 --> 00:00:04,578 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:07,655 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,750 --> 00:00:11,343 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,420 --> 00:00:14,404 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,423 --> 00:00:17,758 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,910 --> 00:00:21,411 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,913 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,931 --> 00:00:24,172 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,266 --> 00:00:30,070 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:30,923 --> 00:00:32,589 Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. 11 00:00:32,682 --> 00:00:34,258 It's almost Oscar night. 12 00:00:34,276 --> 00:00:36,760 Boy, we've lost so many greats this year, 13 00:00:36,853 --> 00:00:38,686 including a dead costume designer 14 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,188 who will get spill-over applause 15 00:00:40,282 --> 00:00:43,267 from the photo of Sean Connery that directly precedes him. 16 00:00:43,285 --> 00:00:46,119 Tonight, we salute some past Best Picture winners, 17 00:00:46,272 --> 00:00:48,589 whichever ones I spin on this wheel. 18 00:00:54,538 --> 00:00:56,129 The wheel has spoken! 19 00:00:56,282 --> 00:00:57,798 The Silence of the Lambs. 20 00:00:57,966 --> 00:01:00,184 ♪ ♪ 21 00:01:04,381 --> 00:01:08,049 Ah... what a beautiful day to not get bodily fluids 22 00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:10,069 thrown in your face and hair. 23 00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:14,389 And now, for some rock tunes to pump me up. 24 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,800 ♪ One, two princes kneel before you... ♪ 25 00:01:16,893 --> 00:01:19,986 Oh, right, 'cause it's the early '90s. 26 00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:21,988 Vaulting over a log. 27 00:01:22,141 --> 00:01:23,807 Jumping a water hazard. 28 00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:25,918 Climbing up a cargo net. 29 00:01:26,111 --> 00:01:27,920 Becoming an FBI agent is basically 30 00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:30,497 like being on Battle of the Network Stars. 31 00:01:30,649 --> 00:01:33,333 -♪ You rockets ain't in... ♪ -(music stops) 32 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,427 ♪ ♪ 33 00:01:38,081 --> 00:01:40,006 -Aah! -Agent Starling. 34 00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:41,249 Good to see you. 35 00:01:41,327 --> 00:01:43,176 Wh-Why is your face so big? 36 00:01:43,329 --> 00:01:45,587 Oh, this movie is mostly extreme close-ups. 37 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,439 Oh. Yeah. Weird. 38 00:01:47,591 --> 00:01:49,333 Anyway, sorry you had to come so quickly, 39 00:01:49,426 --> 00:01:51,835 but this thing with no timetable couldn't wait. 40 00:01:51,854 --> 00:01:54,838 We need you to talk to a super smart psychopath. 41 00:01:54,931 --> 00:01:56,173 How smart? 42 00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:57,765 Like, he can do the New York Times crossword 43 00:01:57,860 --> 00:01:58,817 through Thursday. 44 00:01:59,044 --> 00:02:01,011 Friday, he can maybe get a corner or two. 45 00:02:01,104 --> 00:02:02,770 So, what's the job? 46 00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,272 Fancy creep, eats people. 47 00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,183 -Talk to him. -Got it. 48 00:02:06,201 --> 00:02:08,034 And this is a big deal, 'cause you're a woman. 49 00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:09,611 We're not gonna say it's a big deal, 50 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:12,113 but everyone watching will know it's a big deal 51 00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:13,281 'cause of the time period, 52 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,025 even though a man is helping you. 53 00:02:15,043 --> 00:02:16,510 Now run along, toots. 54 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,513 (bird cawing) 55 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,974 (yelling gibberish) 56 00:02:22,201 --> 00:02:23,809 So, you're in the FBI, huh? 57 00:02:24,036 --> 00:02:25,719 Me, too. 58 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:28,272 Got this bad boy in Venice Beach. 59 00:02:29,799 --> 00:02:31,633 Okay, all right. 60 00:02:31,727 --> 00:02:33,318 You can talk to Lecter now. 61 00:02:33,470 --> 00:02:36,280 ♪ ♪ 62 00:02:40,143 --> 00:02:41,994 Hello, Clarice. 63 00:02:42,145 --> 00:02:44,479 Dr. Lecter, I need your help. 64 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,574 Nope, nope, nope. I'll only help if there's a quid pro quo. 65 00:02:47,726 --> 00:02:49,334 (sighs) Okay, what is it? 66 00:02:49,486 --> 00:02:53,563 I want Mario Lopez to record my outgoing voice mail message. 67 00:02:53,582 --> 00:02:55,232 What?! You're insane! 68 00:02:55,325 --> 00:02:58,343 He's a huge star at this specific sliver of time. 69 00:02:58,570 --> 00:03:01,405 Figure it out. Those are my terms. 70 00:03:01,423 --> 00:03:03,390 ♪ ♪ 71 00:03:04,668 --> 00:03:06,018 (gasps) 72 00:03:06,245 --> 00:03:10,096 Sorry, these Capri Suns are notoriously difficult to open. 73 00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,098 (Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" playing on radio) 74 00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:15,402 ♪ Yeah, one, two... ♪ 75 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,363 (faintly): ♪ That's what I said now ♪ 76 00:03:18,590 --> 00:03:20,157 -♪ Princes... ♪ -(music stops) 77 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,205 (straining) 78 00:03:27,099 --> 00:03:28,432 You need some help? 79 00:03:28,525 --> 00:03:29,616 Yeah, thanks. 80 00:03:29,768 --> 00:03:33,069 I can't seem to get this giant 1991 computer 81 00:03:33,121 --> 00:03:35,121 into the back of my van. 82 00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:39,292 Careful, I had it on for 20 minutes, so it's very hot. 83 00:03:39,445 --> 00:03:40,552 (grunts) 84 00:03:44,374 --> 00:03:46,541 Okay, I got what you asked for. 85 00:03:46,635 --> 00:03:48,285 MARIO LOPEZ: Hey, this is Mario Lopez 86 00:03:48,378 --> 00:03:49,970 letting you know that Hannibal Lecter 87 00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:51,288 can't get to the phone right now, 88 00:03:51,306 --> 00:03:52,731 so please leave a message. 89 00:03:52,808 --> 00:03:54,733 And now, I think I'm about to be saved by the... 90 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:55,883 (beeps) 91 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:56,977 Not good enough! 92 00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:58,904 I wanted him to record it as Slater. 93 00:03:59,055 --> 00:04:00,906 What?! You never said that! 94 00:04:01,133 --> 00:04:02,724 It should've been understood. 95 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,243 Don't test me, Starling. 96 00:04:04,394 --> 00:04:06,152 A census taker did that once, 97 00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:08,580 and I ate his liver with dry Cheerios 98 00:04:08,732 --> 00:04:10,582 and a mashed-up banana. 99 00:04:10,692 --> 00:04:12,400 (slurping) 100 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,920 Sorry, I'm just a little nervous. 101 00:04:15,071 --> 00:04:16,496 When I was a girl, 102 00:04:16,648 --> 00:04:18,114 I went to live on my uncle's farm, 103 00:04:18,166 --> 00:04:21,242 and I heard these lambs screaming, 104 00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:22,928 screaming as they were being slaughtered. 105 00:04:23,155 --> 00:04:24,671 It was horrible. 106 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,582 -(applause) -And I want to thank Alan Weiss at William Morris. 107 00:04:27,676 --> 00:04:30,660 Also, my high school drama teacher, Lucas Wohl. 108 00:04:30,754 --> 00:04:33,346 -(orchestral music plays) -Oh, they were just killing those poor lambs. 109 00:04:33,499 --> 00:04:34,681 I wanted to save them, but I couldn't. 110 00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:37,759 And, Mandy and Jenny at home, go to bed, kids. 111 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,352 Mommy did it! 112 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,671 I am coming home with one of these! 113 00:04:41,765 --> 00:04:43,782 -(laughing) -(applause) 114 00:04:44,009 --> 00:04:47,119 ♪ ♪ 115 00:04:50,607 --> 00:04:52,940 CVS brand lotion? 116 00:04:53,035 --> 00:04:55,460 It's the same ingredients as Nivea. 117 00:04:56,538 --> 00:04:59,781 It puts the off-brand lotion on its skin, 118 00:04:59,875 --> 00:05:02,208 or else it gets the hose again. 119 00:05:02,361 --> 00:05:03,969 The top isn't even a pump. 120 00:05:04,196 --> 00:05:06,379 You're paying for the pump! 121 00:05:06,532 --> 00:05:09,182 ♪ ♪ 122 00:05:13,372 --> 00:05:15,147 Dr. Lecter, we are running out of time. 123 00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:17,131 I need you to give me some clue, 124 00:05:17,225 --> 00:05:19,526 anything that might lead me in the right direction. 125 00:05:19,636 --> 00:05:22,487 (sighs) His name's Buffalo Bill, heavyset blond kid 126 00:05:22,564 --> 00:05:25,382 who lives in that crappy place behind McDonald's. 127 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:26,641 Hmm. 128 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,826 I'll have to really lean 129 00:05:28,053 --> 00:05:29,886 on my budding criminology skills 130 00:05:29,979 --> 00:05:32,572 to decipher these obscure breadcrumbs. 131 00:05:32,724 --> 00:05:35,250 ♪ ♪ 132 00:05:45,662 --> 00:05:47,679 ♪ ♪ 133 00:05:53,579 --> 00:05:55,729 ♪ ♪ 134 00:06:03,589 --> 00:06:05,530 (gasps slowly) 135 00:06:11,613 --> 00:06:13,187 Coming up, dinner. 136 00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:16,208 But first, I turn my back to a dangerous murderer. 137 00:06:17,102 --> 00:06:19,044 (regurgitates) 138 00:06:23,199 --> 00:06:26,259 (indistinct chatter) 139 00:06:28,204 --> 00:06:30,722 Oh, hey, Sarge. Your wife called and said it was urgent. 140 00:06:30,949 --> 00:06:32,391 Oh, uh, okay. 141 00:06:32,618 --> 00:06:35,209 Yeah, she sounded very not happy. 142 00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:36,953 You need to call her back ASAP. 143 00:06:36,972 --> 00:06:38,288 Got it, thanks. 144 00:06:38,306 --> 00:06:41,191 Starting to think I did this guy a favor. 145 00:06:46,632 --> 00:06:47,647 (doorbell rings) 146 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,742 It puts its finger on the doorbell. 147 00:06:50,894 --> 00:06:52,393 We're looking for someone. 148 00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:53,637 Have you seen her? 149 00:06:53,805 --> 00:06:57,732 Oh, wait, is she that great, big, huge, plump, 150 00:06:57,793 --> 00:07:01,235 very large, Rubenesque, fat girl who went missing? 151 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,829 Yes, she is rather heavy, 152 00:07:02,981 --> 00:07:05,072 and as you can see, not particularly attractive. 153 00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:06,925 We've had reports that her personality 154 00:07:07,076 --> 00:07:08,334 is quite grating as well. 155 00:07:08,503 --> 00:07:11,012 MEG (distant): I can still hear you guys! 156 00:07:15,010 --> 00:07:17,227 (panting) 157 00:07:20,666 --> 00:07:22,149 (door creaks) 158 00:07:23,001 --> 00:07:25,502 (goggles whirring) 159 00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:28,004 (panting) 160 00:07:28,023 --> 00:07:29,406 (gasps) 161 00:07:30,642 --> 00:07:33,100 I'm not loving this night vision setting. 162 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,955 Maybe I should try Night at the Roxbury vision. 163 00:07:37,182 --> 00:07:39,349 (Haddaway's "What Is Love?" playing) 164 00:07:39,442 --> 00:07:41,418 ♪ ♪ 165 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,630 -You? Me? You? -♪ What is love? ♪ -(screams) 166 00:07:47,225 --> 00:07:51,052 It puts the bullet in the fat guy. 167 00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:57,142 And, for having successfully scaled a cargo net 168 00:07:57,369 --> 00:08:00,553 and connecting two note cards with a piece of red string, 169 00:08:00,706 --> 00:08:05,466 Clarice Starling, you are now officially a lady FBI. 170 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,111 (applause) 171 00:08:09,881 --> 00:08:11,990 (phone ringing) 172 00:08:15,311 --> 00:08:16,811 You should probably answer that. 173 00:08:16,905 --> 00:08:19,414 I mean, you're the closest thing to a secretary in here. 174 00:08:20,408 --> 00:08:21,983 Ugh. 175 00:08:22,077 --> 00:08:25,578 Hello, FBI. This is Clarice speaking. 176 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,005 Hello, Clarice. 177 00:08:27,156 --> 00:08:29,566 I just wanted to let you know that I respect you, 178 00:08:29,659 --> 00:08:32,118 and how important it is that you're a woman. 179 00:08:32,270 --> 00:08:34,237 Thank you for saying so, Doctor. 180 00:08:34,406 --> 00:08:35,572 'Cause if you were a man, 181 00:08:35,665 --> 00:08:37,682 I would definitely be captured or dead by now. 182 00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:40,426 -Oh, I... -Like if you're Clint Eastwood, I'm dead. 183 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:43,170 -Harrison Ford? Dead. -Well, Doctor, I've really got... 184 00:08:43,265 --> 00:08:45,415 You know, I'm not betting against the Twin Peaks guy-- 185 00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:46,933 what's his name? Creepy white guy. 186 00:08:47,085 --> 00:08:49,102 -Kyle MacLachlan. -Kyle MacLachlan, right. 187 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,362 How do I keep forgetting that? 188 00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:53,106 It's like in my top five dude names. I have a list. 189 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,683 -Dr. Lecter, I really have to go. -So do I. 190 00:08:55,777 --> 00:08:57,994 ♪ ♪ 191 00:08:59,355 --> 00:09:02,189 I'm having an old friend for dinner. 192 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,042 Y-You're gonna eat a friend? 193 00:09:04,119 --> 00:09:05,377 That was kind of supposed to be the last line, 194 00:09:05,604 --> 00:09:06,770 and you ruined it. 195 00:09:06,863 --> 00:09:08,863 I'm gonna say it again and then hang up quickly. 196 00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:10,048 (clears throat) 197 00:09:10,199 --> 00:09:12,366 I'm having an old friend for dinner. 198 00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:14,427 -What?! -Oh, my God, this bitch. 199 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,708 ♪ ♪ 200 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,561 PETER: My name is... 201 00:09:22,788 --> 00:09:25,471 whatever Kevin Spacey's name was in this movie. 202 00:09:25,624 --> 00:09:27,381 I bet you think behind that door is 203 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,309 a happy, all-American family. 204 00:09:29,461 --> 00:09:30,068 Nope. 205 00:09:30,219 --> 00:09:31,311 Just me in the shower 206 00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:33,554 with Johnson & Johnson and Johnson. 207 00:09:33,648 --> 00:09:35,481 There were some tears. 208 00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,817 That's my wife out there, cutting roses. 209 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,620 Oh, just a heads-up, there's a ton of roses in this. 210 00:09:40,730 --> 00:09:43,230 I guess they're supposed to mean something. (sighs) 211 00:09:43,325 --> 00:09:44,749 You know, when I agreed to this, 212 00:09:44,901 --> 00:09:46,918 I 100% thought it was American Pie. 213 00:09:47,070 --> 00:09:49,145 Always read the second word of the title 214 00:09:49,164 --> 00:09:50,313 before you sign something. 215 00:09:50,406 --> 00:09:53,091 Oh, hi, Carolyn. We're your gay neighbors. 216 00:09:53,318 --> 00:09:55,076 That's right, and we're the only happy people 217 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,428 in the entire film. 218 00:09:56,579 --> 00:09:58,079 PETER: Oh, that's the other thing. 219 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,489 This movie really wants you to know 220 00:09:59,582 --> 00:10:02,158 that traditional families are the messed-up ones. 221 00:10:02,251 --> 00:10:03,751 If you don't want two hours of that, 222 00:10:03,829 --> 00:10:05,103 go turn on The Matrix. 223 00:10:05,296 --> 00:10:06,771 Aw, why aren't we doing that? 224 00:10:06,923 --> 00:10:08,164 Have a great day, 225 00:10:08,183 --> 00:10:10,667 two-dimensional '90s gay neighbors! 226 00:10:10,669 --> 00:10:13,853 -Who are both named Jim. -Right, who are both named Jim. 227 00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:17,282 -Good morning, my darling. -Hello, my love. 228 00:10:17,433 --> 00:10:19,784 PETER: Keep in mind that 9/11 hasn't happened yet. 229 00:10:19,936 --> 00:10:21,769 So a strained family dynamic 230 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,771 is still the most dramatic thing there is. 231 00:10:23,865 --> 00:10:27,792 Wow, what a beautiful, fully heterosexual neighborhood. 232 00:10:27,944 --> 00:10:30,854 Yeah, no. What's up is down here, bro. 233 00:10:30,872 --> 00:10:33,039 Oh, hi, you must be our new neighbors. 234 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,949 I'm Carolyn Burnham, 235 00:10:35,043 --> 00:10:37,952 RE/MAX's top crying realtor in the area. 236 00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:39,804 Uh, thanks, but we just bought a house, 237 00:10:40,031 --> 00:10:41,714 so we don't really need a realtor. 238 00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:44,476 (crying) 239 00:10:44,627 --> 00:10:46,719 -You don't? -S-Sorry. 240 00:10:46,872 --> 00:10:48,480 It's okay. You know what? 241 00:10:48,631 --> 00:10:49,648 We'll buy another one. 242 00:10:49,875 --> 00:10:52,041 (chuckles): Oh, great. Great. 243 00:10:52,135 --> 00:10:54,727 Oh, looks like your son and my daughter 244 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:56,137 are getting to know each other. 245 00:10:56,231 --> 00:10:59,491 Check out this video I took of a plastic bag. 246 00:10:59,642 --> 00:11:01,618 ♪ ♪ 247 00:11:03,054 --> 00:11:04,737 I'm thinking about sending it in 248 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:07,056 to America's Funniest Home Videos. 249 00:11:07,075 --> 00:11:08,983 Really? Do you think it's funny enough? 250 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,911 I don't know. I just want to spend $2,000 251 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:15,748 flying to Los Angeles to maybe win $1,000. 252 00:11:15,901 --> 00:11:18,009 (crowd cheering inside) 253 00:11:20,088 --> 00:11:21,680 -(whistle blows) -ANNOUNCER: That's halftime. 254 00:11:21,907 --> 00:11:24,240 And now, please welcome the Suburbia High School 255 00:11:24,259 --> 00:11:27,243 cheer quad, the Dockers Zipper Pushers. 256 00:11:27,262 --> 00:11:29,412 (upbeat music plays) 257 00:11:29,431 --> 00:11:31,439 ♪ ♪ 258 00:11:39,774 --> 00:11:41,682 Who is that? 259 00:11:41,851 --> 00:11:43,684 (sultry music plays) 260 00:11:43,853 --> 00:11:47,330 ♪ ♪ 261 00:11:55,198 --> 00:11:57,106 Ah! Ah, damn it! Ah, stop. Stop. 262 00:11:57,125 --> 00:12:00,142 I have seasonal allergies, guys. (sneezes) 263 00:12:00,144 --> 00:12:02,278 -(upbeat music resumes) -ANNOUNCER: All right. 264 00:12:02,371 --> 00:12:03,537 Now the marching band to play 265 00:12:03,615 --> 00:12:05,798 the Suburbia High School fight song. 266 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,101 (playing "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors) 267 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,472 Geez, again with this song? 268 00:12:12,624 --> 00:12:14,974 Shut up and kiss me, other gay Jim. 269 00:12:15,126 --> 00:12:17,402 (both moaning) 270 00:12:17,553 --> 00:12:20,071 Oh, no. No. 271 00:12:20,223 --> 00:12:22,073 I'm very against that. 272 00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:24,133 Remember that for later. 273 00:12:24,135 --> 00:12:25,577 PETER: The next day, I quit my job 274 00:12:25,804 --> 00:12:28,137 and was in no way run out of the industry 275 00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:29,973 for groping a busboy in Nantucket. 276 00:12:29,991 --> 00:12:32,008 It was a joke. I was razzing the guy. 277 00:12:32,010 --> 00:12:33,400 Come on. 278 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,902 (sizzling) 279 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:38,481 I got a new job at a fake movie fast food restaurant. 280 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:41,985 God, why are movies so bad at naming restaurants? 281 00:12:42,003 --> 00:12:44,962 Welcome to Mr. Smiley's BurgerTownVilleLand. 282 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,914 Would you like to try a Large McIntyre? 283 00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:50,584 LOIS: Yes, my lover and I will each have adultery burgers. 284 00:12:50,662 --> 00:12:52,437 Second window. 285 00:12:52,588 --> 00:12:54,105 (moaning) 286 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,443 -Two adultery burgers. -(gasps) Lester! 287 00:12:58,670 --> 00:13:00,928 (chuckles nervously) Listen, let's not make a big scene here. 288 00:13:01,022 --> 00:13:02,280 We can talk about this when we get... 289 00:13:02,431 --> 00:13:07,452 You don't get to tell me what to do anymore. 290 00:13:08,696 --> 00:13:10,288 We need more ketchup. 291 00:13:10,439 --> 00:13:13,199 All right, there are some things you can tell me to do. 292 00:13:13,368 --> 00:13:15,868 After that, I started lifting weights in my garage. 293 00:13:16,021 --> 00:13:17,370 But I lost track of a spider 294 00:13:17,522 --> 00:13:19,113 that crawled behind the heavy ones, 295 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,800 so I had to use the dainty weights ladies walk with. 296 00:13:21,909 --> 00:13:23,693 Oh, hey. You got those drugs? 297 00:13:23,711 --> 00:13:24,877 Yep, right here. 298 00:13:25,030 --> 00:13:26,638 Oh, my God. 299 00:13:26,789 --> 00:13:29,048 Look at that plastic bag. 300 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,050 So beautiful. 301 00:13:31,202 --> 00:13:33,478 Do you do a lot of the drugs yourself? 302 00:13:33,629 --> 00:13:34,979 I do, yes. 303 00:13:35,131 --> 00:13:36,797 Okay, let me just get on my knees 304 00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:40,634 and roll a joint at crotch level like all drug dealers do. 305 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:43,062 Great, and I'll just lean back, away from the drugs 306 00:13:43,139 --> 00:13:45,490 like all drug users do. 307 00:13:47,886 --> 00:13:49,327 What the hell? 308 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,145 Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing? 309 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,664 Help me out here, Mr. Furley. 310 00:13:52,891 --> 00:13:55,058 How did this thing win an Oscar? 311 00:13:55,076 --> 00:13:57,502 It's basically Austin Powers. 312 00:13:57,653 --> 00:14:00,505 ♪ ♪ 313 00:14:00,656 --> 00:14:02,340 Yo, yo, check this out. 314 00:14:02,491 --> 00:14:05,159 What if, like, Kramer is just 315 00:14:05,253 --> 00:14:07,828 a figment of Jerry's imagination? 316 00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:11,165 -Wow. Yeah. -'Cause think about it. 317 00:14:11,259 --> 00:14:15,595 We-we never see him interacting with anyone else. 318 00:14:15,747 --> 00:14:17,021 Yeah. 319 00:14:17,173 --> 00:14:21,084 Well-well, wait. I mean... (stammers) we-we do. 320 00:14:21,102 --> 00:14:24,178 (chuckles): Oh, boy, am I glad you're here. 321 00:14:24,272 --> 00:14:27,014 I don't think I like what I saw earlier. 322 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,349 Oh, was it The Phantom Menace, 323 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:29,775 which also came out this same year? 324 00:14:29,928 --> 00:14:31,018 Yeah, what a mess. 325 00:14:31,112 --> 00:14:34,430 Ricky, go on home. I need to talk to Lester. 326 00:14:34,599 --> 00:14:36,282 Aw, I don't want to. 327 00:14:36,434 --> 00:14:38,601 (singsongy): There's plastic bags. 328 00:14:38,694 --> 00:14:40,361 (gasps) There are? 329 00:14:41,456 --> 00:14:44,957 Hey, you know how there's two things we know for sure? 330 00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,793 We'll always be able to bring box cutters on planes, 331 00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:50,446 -and I'm heterosexual? -Yeah, of course. 332 00:14:50,448 --> 00:14:53,707 Well, turns out only one of those things is true. 333 00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,376 Mm... 334 00:14:55,470 --> 00:14:57,470 Look, I think I gave you the wrong idea 335 00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,806 with these pink weights and pantomiming oral with your son. 336 00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:02,901 -I'm straight. -I'm so sorry! 337 00:15:03,052 --> 00:15:05,628 I got to go start a megachurch! 338 00:15:05,797 --> 00:15:07,447 Eh, seems right. 339 00:15:09,150 --> 00:15:11,409 Oh, hey, what are you doing here? 340 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:12,652 I have a flight tomorrow, 341 00:15:12,804 --> 00:15:15,154 and Jane said I could borrow your box cutter. 342 00:15:15,306 --> 00:15:17,974 Man, I love cutting boxes on planes. 343 00:15:17,992 --> 00:15:21,827 And also-- and this is kind of embarrassing and unearned-- 344 00:15:21,980 --> 00:15:26,315 but I think you're sexy, and I want to have sex with you. 345 00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:28,242 Ah, sweet! Let's do this! 346 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:31,504 I should let you know, I'm a virgin. 347 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,005 Not a deal-breaker. 348 00:15:33,158 --> 00:15:34,490 And I should let you know 349 00:15:34,509 --> 00:15:37,084 I'm Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator. 350 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,752 Aw, crap. Somebody shoot me. 351 00:15:38,846 --> 00:15:40,104 (gunshot) 352 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,016 Sorry, I didn't mean to... 353 00:15:44,169 --> 00:15:46,018 Whoa, you're Chris Hansen! 354 00:15:46,171 --> 00:15:49,388 Hey, what do you do with all the leftover pedophile pizza? 355 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,691 PETER: Well, that was American Beauty. 356 00:15:51,843 --> 00:15:53,117 See you at the Oscars. 357 00:15:53,269 --> 00:15:54,694 I'll be there with my mom. 358 00:15:54,770 --> 00:15:57,497 That's not a big, obvious sign of something, right? 359 00:16:02,020 --> 00:16:04,128 ♪ ♪ 360 00:16:12,046 --> 00:16:14,472 -How's work, Ralph? -It's a breeze. 361 00:16:14,623 --> 00:16:16,365 (both laughing) 362 00:16:16,459 --> 00:16:19,060 -Give my best to Judy. -Will do. 363 00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:28,044 Hi, my name's Forrest. 364 00:16:28,062 --> 00:16:29,378 Forrest Gump. 365 00:16:29,472 --> 00:16:31,972 Would it be okay if I sugarcoat race relations 366 00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:34,550 in the South for the next two and a half hours? 367 00:16:34,569 --> 00:16:37,829 Honey, I'm a Black woman in a '90s Hollywood movie, 368 00:16:37,980 --> 00:16:40,223 -that's what I'm here for. -Great. 369 00:16:40,316 --> 00:16:43,835 My mama always said life was like a box of Good & Plenty: 370 00:16:43,986 --> 00:16:46,170 most people just throw it away. 371 00:16:46,397 --> 00:16:48,748 One day on the bus to school, 372 00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:50,657 I met Jenny. 373 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,261 She was the love of my life. 374 00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:57,590 Hey, look, it's a guy with nonstandard legs. 375 00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:00,560 Let's bully and throw rocks at him and not me. 376 00:17:01,596 --> 00:17:04,046 Run, Forrest, run! 377 00:17:04,932 --> 00:17:06,340 PETER: And in a magical moment 378 00:17:06,509 --> 00:17:09,193 whose explanation I assume was cut for time, 379 00:17:09,345 --> 00:17:12,255 I could suddenly run very fast. 380 00:17:12,348 --> 00:17:13,939 But I happened to do it 381 00:17:14,092 --> 00:17:16,850 in front of the meanest lifeguard in Alabama. 382 00:17:16,928 --> 00:17:20,279 -No running! -It's for a movie. God. 383 00:17:20,431 --> 00:17:22,114 -(cheering) -I was such a fast runner, 384 00:17:22,283 --> 00:17:25,192 I went on to play college movie football, 385 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:29,297 where all the tacklers dive two feet behind you and miss. 386 00:17:31,459 --> 00:17:32,958 After I graduated, 387 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,945 I joined the Army and got shipped off to war. 388 00:17:35,963 --> 00:17:39,465 Vietnam is where I met my best friend, Bubba, 389 00:17:39,617 --> 00:17:42,968 who really wanted to have his own squid fishing boat. 390 00:17:43,121 --> 00:17:45,304 In fact, he knew just about 391 00:17:45,456 --> 00:17:47,231 everything you could do with a squid. 392 00:17:47,383 --> 00:17:49,984 Well, there's calamari... 393 00:17:51,887 --> 00:17:53,629 That's about it. 394 00:17:53,722 --> 00:17:56,199 Ambush! (screaming) 395 00:17:57,151 --> 00:17:59,744 Oh, my God, Lieutenant Dan! 396 00:18:01,155 --> 00:18:03,730 Damn it, save yourself, Gump. 397 00:18:03,808 --> 00:18:06,475 -Leave me here. -All right. 398 00:18:06,569 --> 00:18:07,643 (explosion) 399 00:18:07,662 --> 00:18:09,403 Bubba was also shot. 400 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:12,315 And as always happens when a soldier dies, 401 00:18:12,333 --> 00:18:14,333 we discussed business ideas. 402 00:18:14,485 --> 00:18:17,503 (weakly): I'm dying, Forrest. 403 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,264 I want you to buy a squid boat in my honor. 404 00:18:20,416 --> 00:18:23,601 How about a gym exclusively for big white women? 405 00:18:23,828 --> 00:18:27,271 -There could be machines that... -Whoa, whoa, whoa. 406 00:18:27,423 --> 00:18:30,775 You had me at "big white women." 407 00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:32,443 (exhales) 408 00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:35,113 -(chanting) -After I got home from Vietnam, 409 00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:38,007 I got to speak at a generic protest. 410 00:18:38,025 --> 00:18:41,026 There's only one thing to say about Vietnam: 411 00:18:41,195 --> 00:18:44,271 I had this awesome red stuff on all my food. 412 00:18:44,365 --> 00:18:46,031 I don't 'member what it's called. 413 00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,517 It's not hot sauce, but it's not ketchup. 414 00:18:48,611 --> 00:18:51,295 I think it's got a rooster on the label. 415 00:18:51,447 --> 00:18:52,630 Forrest! 416 00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:56,217 (gasps) Jenny! 417 00:18:57,044 --> 00:18:58,210 Aah! Son of a bitch! 418 00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:01,622 See, guys? This is why no running. 419 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,033 PETER: And then-- I know, it's still not over yet-- 420 00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:06,369 I bought a squid boat. 421 00:19:06,387 --> 00:19:08,704 Lieutenant Dan was also working with me. 422 00:19:08,723 --> 00:19:11,040 And you know who's super helpful on a boat 423 00:19:11,058 --> 00:19:13,058 that's constantly rocking in the water? 424 00:19:13,211 --> 00:19:14,710 A wheelchair guy. 425 00:19:14,729 --> 00:19:16,821 Hey, Forrest, I got our lunches. 426 00:19:16,898 --> 00:19:20,158 -(waves crashing) -(screams) 427 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,887 So after I was rich, 428 00:19:24,906 --> 00:19:28,106 Jenny came back and had sex with me one time. 429 00:19:28,259 --> 00:19:30,409 Wow, that was great. 430 00:19:30,561 --> 00:19:33,320 Sorry I was naming presidents during. 431 00:19:33,398 --> 00:19:35,080 So, we getting married or what? 432 00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:37,967 You don't want to marry me, Forrest. 433 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,236 Yeah, you're right. 434 00:19:40,254 --> 00:19:42,346 Okay, well, have a good night. 435 00:19:42,498 --> 00:19:45,090 And then, shockingly late in the movie, 436 00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:47,018 I started running again. 437 00:19:47,094 --> 00:19:49,078 Like, across the country. 438 00:19:49,096 --> 00:19:50,262 Several times. 439 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:51,931 The whole sequence is a full eight minutes. 440 00:19:52,083 --> 00:19:54,174 I mean, sometimes this whole movie feels like it was written 441 00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,419 by a seven-year-old who just ate a bunch of candy. 442 00:19:56,437 --> 00:19:58,512 But I checked, it's just a regular guy. 443 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,272 Anyway, at least we were finally 444 00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:02,700 to the time in our nation's history 445 00:20:02,851 --> 00:20:04,093 when I could listen to this. 446 00:20:04,186 --> 00:20:07,622 ♪ Princes, princes who adore you. ♪ 447 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,126 (knocking) 448 00:20:12,937 --> 00:20:14,027 Forrest! 449 00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,531 I brought you chocolates picked over by strangers. 450 00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:19,124 Forrest, I'm sick. 451 00:20:19,277 --> 00:20:22,127 -Sick? With what? -(whispers indistinctly) 452 00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,204 Oh, I did a movie about that once. 453 00:20:24,298 --> 00:20:26,057 It's called Splash. 454 00:20:26,208 --> 00:20:28,951 No, Forrest. (whispers indistinctly) 455 00:20:28,970 --> 00:20:31,470 Oh, I thought you said mermaids. 456 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:34,065 But I did a movie about your thing, too. 457 00:20:34,216 --> 00:20:35,882 But that's not all. 458 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,309 I want you to meet my son. 459 00:20:37,462 --> 00:20:39,904 Six hours in makeup. One line. 460 00:20:40,131 --> 00:20:41,647 You're his father. 461 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:43,724 Father? 462 00:20:43,801 --> 00:20:46,135 Is he... like me? 463 00:20:46,228 --> 00:20:47,486 Uhp, you died. 464 00:20:47,638 --> 00:20:49,305 And... feather! 465 00:20:49,323 --> 00:20:51,332 ♪ ♪