1
00:00:01,151 --> 00:00:04,670
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,821 --> 00:00:07,748
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,916 --> 00:00:11,735
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,754 --> 00:00:14,738
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,757 --> 00:00:18,091
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,244 --> 00:00:21,336
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,098 --> 00:00:24,264
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:30,195
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:33,942 --> 00:00:36,160
(indistinct chatter)
11
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,038
Welcome to our home,
12
00:00:39,265 --> 00:00:42,357
and thank you all so much
for coming to celebrate
13
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:45,769
our dear Lois
and her wonderful husband,
14
00:00:45,862 --> 00:00:47,212
uh, Peter.
15
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I know Carter wanted
to say a few words.
16
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Poor, unfunny, fat.
17
00:00:52,278 --> 00:00:54,202
Oh, and the sprinklers
come on at 4:00.
18
00:00:54,296 --> 00:00:56,388
I don't know how to change that,
so we have until then.
19
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Beautifully said.
20
00:00:58,041 --> 00:00:59,466
Wow.
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Lot of years for us.
22
00:01:00,953 --> 00:01:01,952
Uh-huh.
23
00:01:02,121 --> 00:01:03,303
Hey, so what do you think
about dinner?
24
00:01:03,455 --> 00:01:05,972
Oh, God, I'm so tired
of thinking about dinner.
25
00:01:06,125 --> 00:01:06,973
I-I don't know.
26
00:01:07,126 --> 00:01:08,125
Well, what are you
in the mood for?
27
00:01:08,218 --> 00:01:09,793
Okay, that's just
another version
28
00:01:09,886 --> 00:01:11,219
of the same question.
29
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,388
Oh, I've collected
nine finalists
30
00:01:13,482 --> 00:01:15,482
for our new end table.
We should talk.
31
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Will each one be instantly
overcrowded by three items?
32
00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:20,746
-Absolutely.
-Great.
33
00:01:20,897 --> 00:01:22,915
So where did we land,
dinner-wise?
34
00:01:23,066 --> 00:01:24,750
If I could have
everyone's attention,
35
00:01:24,901 --> 00:01:26,993
it's time to present
Peter and Lois
36
00:01:27,146 --> 00:01:29,313
with a very special
anniversary gift.
37
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Yes, we really went all out
this year.
38
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Okay, "we" is
an insane characterization,
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00:01:35,154 --> 00:01:36,169
but here it is.
40
00:01:36,322 --> 00:01:38,430
A brand-new Range Rider!
41
00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:41,583
That's it? Aw, crap.
42
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,994
It looked so much bigger
in the SkyMall magazine.
43
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QUAGMIRE:
That's a rookie move, man!
44
00:01:45,664 --> 00:01:48,515
Lois, I'm sorry. I-I didn't
realize it was a toy car
45
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:49,683
for a child. I can...
46
00:01:49,835 --> 00:01:51,593
It's fine, Daddy. Really.
47
00:01:51,687 --> 00:01:54,004
I-I bet Stewie
might enjoy playing with it.
48
00:01:54,022 --> 00:01:55,763
Will there be, like...
49
00:01:55,858 --> 00:01:57,616
a replacement gift or no?
50
00:01:57,693 --> 00:02:00,694
That's very sweet, Lois.
Always thinking of others.
51
00:02:00,846 --> 00:02:01,845
Amazon gift card?
52
00:02:01,864 --> 00:02:03,455
It's the thought
that counts, Daddy.
53
00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:05,198
And it was a very nice thought.
54
00:02:05,351 --> 00:02:07,108
$20 bill cupped in a handshake?
55
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:09,202
I'm gonna go change
out of this wet suit.
56
00:02:09,355 --> 00:02:10,111
Mwah.
57
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:13,298
Wow! A white Range Rider SUV!
58
00:02:13,450 --> 00:02:16,360
Hey, what was Ari's wife's name
on Entourage?
59
00:02:16,378 --> 00:02:18,119
Eh, can't remember.
Doesn't matter.
60
00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,972
I'm Ari's wife.
61
00:02:20,199 --> 00:02:22,048
Good work today,
Mom Bathing Suit.
62
00:02:22,201 --> 00:02:23,725
See you on Labor Day.
63
00:02:26,038 --> 00:02:27,128
Nah, I'll wash it off.
64
00:02:27,222 --> 00:02:29,481
It's my fault
for over-guac'ing the chip.
65
00:02:29,633 --> 00:02:30,482
Aah!
66
00:02:30,709 --> 00:02:32,634
Aah! Joe! I'm in here!
67
00:02:32,728 --> 00:02:34,236
Sorry, I didn't realize!
68
00:02:35,381 --> 00:02:37,322
♪ ♪
69
00:02:37,549 --> 00:02:39,491
(gasping)
70
00:02:39,643 --> 00:02:41,476
I'm sorry! I'm leaving!
71
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:45,222
Ugh. I feel more violated
than Ms. Pac-Man.
72
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,457
(8-bit music playing)
73
00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:06,743
So, Lois, you would not believe
74
00:03:06,836 --> 00:03:08,687
the night Joe and I had
last night.
75
00:03:08,838 --> 00:03:10,189
Oh. Really?
76
00:03:10,432 --> 00:03:14,918
Yeah. It was easily some of the
best sex of our entire marriage.
77
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,770
And for the first time
in nine years,
78
00:03:16,922 --> 00:03:19,031
Joe was able to achieve manhood.
79
00:03:19,182 --> 00:03:22,034
You know, without a pill,
a shot or a pump.
80
00:03:22,261 --> 00:03:24,519
Oh, you-you don't say.
81
00:03:24,596 --> 00:03:27,614
It was crazy. I can't even count
all the different positions
82
00:03:27,766 --> 00:03:30,876
Joe let me carefully arrange
his limp body into.
83
00:03:31,103 --> 00:03:32,786
Oh, wow, I'm so happy
84
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,455
you two were able
to rekindle that spark.
85
00:03:35,607 --> 00:03:36,456
(phone chimes)
86
00:03:36,608 --> 00:03:37,791
Whoops, got to go.
87
00:03:37,943 --> 00:03:39,125
I've got lunch with the girls.
88
00:03:39,278 --> 00:03:41,720
W... (chuckles) I thought
I was one of the girls.
89
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,722
You're one of the gals.
90
00:03:44,708 --> 00:03:45,891
(door opens, closes)
91
00:03:46,042 --> 00:03:47,542
Oh, no. What am I gonna do?
92
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:51,379
I bet Joe was only able to do it
'cause he was thinkin' of me.
93
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:52,472
Chris?
94
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:56,050
I've been caught,
but I'll never be sorry.
95
00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:59,463
Boy, I went hard at my fat guys'
wrestling club today.
96
00:03:59,481 --> 00:04:00,814
(sloshing)
97
00:04:00,966 --> 00:04:05,635
I understood that with
great reward comes great risk.
98
00:04:05,654 --> 00:04:07,621
♪ ♪
99
00:04:15,497 --> 00:04:17,814
Hey, Bri,
check out my new "hwhip."
100
00:04:17,907 --> 00:04:19,073
Pretty cool, huh?
101
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:20,259
You might even say
it's a cool hwhi...
102
00:04:20,486 --> 00:04:22,243
-Yeah, I'm not doing that.
-Aw, you're no fun.
103
00:04:22,337 --> 00:04:24,579
I will say though, seems like
you're really embracing
104
00:04:24,673 --> 00:04:26,298
the Range Rider lifestyle.
105
00:04:26,450 --> 00:04:27,657
Oh, this thing's the best.
106
00:04:27,676 --> 00:04:30,327
J.D. Power and Associates
called it the best car
107
00:04:30,462 --> 00:04:33,163
for slamming on your brakes
at a crosswalk while texting.
108
00:04:33,256 --> 00:04:35,332
Would you believe
this is the same model
109
00:04:35,425 --> 00:04:37,592
Reese Witherspoon
yells at her husband in?
110
00:04:37,686 --> 00:04:39,019
I would believe that, yes.
111
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,095
Look! You can even change
the navigation system
112
00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,281
to be her voice.
113
00:04:42,432 --> 00:04:44,524
WITHERSPOON:
I am an American citizen.
114
00:04:44,676 --> 00:04:45,842
Turn left at the light.
115
00:04:45,935 --> 00:04:47,619
The only thing is,
eight different people
116
00:04:47,771 --> 00:04:48,787
spoke to me in Farsi.
117
00:04:48,938 --> 00:04:50,514
I think they just
assumed I'm Persian.
118
00:04:50,532 --> 00:04:53,183
-Seems right.
-There's a whole section
of the owner's manual
119
00:04:53,201 --> 00:04:55,185
that's very anti-Israel.
120
00:04:56,188 --> 00:04:57,020
Aren't you forgetting
your dry cleaning?
121
00:04:57,039 --> 00:04:58,279
Oh, Carmen will get that.
122
00:04:58,448 --> 00:05:00,448
-Who's Carmen?
-(gasps)
Oh, my God. You're right.
123
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:01,466
It's Rosalita.
124
00:05:01,693 --> 00:05:04,136
That stays on this curb.
125
00:05:04,287 --> 00:05:07,431
Rosalita!
¿Cómo está?
126
00:05:10,719 --> 00:05:13,053
-(somber music playing)
-I'm Sarah McLachlan.
127
00:05:13,205 --> 00:05:15,372
And for just one dollar a day,
128
00:05:15,432 --> 00:05:18,966
you can help save one of these
abused and terrified grips
129
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,894
from The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
130
00:05:21,046 --> 00:05:24,489
Whether it's a teamster
sobbing in his car after work
131
00:05:24,641 --> 00:05:27,642
or a camera operator having a
sandwich slapped out of his hand
132
00:05:27,703 --> 00:05:29,644
just for making eye contact,
133
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,145
they need your help.
134
00:05:31,239 --> 00:05:33,314
So, please, give today.
135
00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:35,483
Because no one should
have to spend Thanksgiving
136
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:38,170
watching a millionaire
try on sweaters.
137
00:05:38,321 --> 00:05:40,730
Kids, you really got to clean
the dog poop off your shoes
138
00:05:40,749 --> 00:05:42,065
right when it happens.
139
00:05:42,158 --> 00:05:44,843
It's so much harder
to get it off once it's dried.
140
00:05:44,994 --> 00:05:48,180
You're more than welcome
to return to the workforce.
141
00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:52,242
(to the tune of
"Turning Japanese"): ♪ I think
I'm cleaning diarrhea ♪
142
00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:54,077
♪ I think I'm cleaning
diarrhea ♪
143
00:05:54,096 --> 00:05:55,929
♪ I really think so. ♪
144
00:05:56,081 --> 00:05:58,523
(humming the tune)
145
00:06:00,085 --> 00:06:01,434
♪ ♪
146
00:06:01,587 --> 00:06:02,611
(gasps)
147
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,490
♪ ♪
148
00:06:25,627 --> 00:06:27,368
Hey, Bon! You busy?!
149
00:06:27,537 --> 00:06:28,887
BONNIE:
Should I get the pump?
150
00:06:29,038 --> 00:06:30,538
No need!
151
00:06:30,632 --> 00:06:32,540
Let's do this!
152
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:36,119
Lois Griffin, you are
adding spice to that marriage.
153
00:06:36,212 --> 00:06:37,378
Wow, look at me,
154
00:06:37,472 --> 00:06:39,564
making a difference
for those in need.
155
00:06:39,716 --> 00:06:43,217
Would you like to add a dollar
to your bill to fight cancer?
156
00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:46,613
No. I gave a disabled guy
an erection.
157
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,991
Okay.
158
00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:01,086
Now time to work
some of that magic on my man.
159
00:07:01,237 --> 00:07:03,571
PETER:
Hey, Lois! Lois, check it out!
160
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,981
I think James Cromwell
161
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,816
is on this
Little House on the Prairie.
162
00:07:06,910 --> 00:07:08,075
(shudders)
163
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,410
(inhales deeply)
164
00:07:09,504 --> 00:07:11,263
(sighs)
165
00:07:11,414 --> 00:07:13,515
(saxophone playing sultrily)
166
00:07:16,419 --> 00:07:19,771
Actually, what do you say
tonight I turn the TV off
167
00:07:19,998 --> 00:07:21,756
and turn you on?
168
00:07:21,833 --> 00:07:22,832
What are you, drunk?
169
00:07:22,967 --> 00:07:24,000
And where are the Wet Ones?
170
00:07:24,093 --> 00:07:26,002
You know
I need a cautionary wipe.
171
00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:28,171
Stop throwing 'em out
in the bedside trash!
172
00:07:28,264 --> 00:07:29,931
-I don't!
-The hell you don...
173
00:07:30,099 --> 00:07:32,008
(chuckles softly)
I mean,
174
00:07:32,027 --> 00:07:33,343
it's all right.
175
00:07:33,361 --> 00:07:35,770
Let's not talk about that, hmm?
176
00:07:35,939 --> 00:07:39,532
Let's talk about how steamy
it's getting in here.
177
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:41,960
Ah, that would be
a Bertucci's burp cloud
178
00:07:42,187 --> 00:07:44,296
with a Mr. Pibb
fart cloud chaser.
179
00:07:44,447 --> 00:07:46,523
Hence the need for Wet Ones.
180
00:07:46,541 --> 00:07:48,282
(sighs)
181
00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:49,784
Hey, uh, while you're in there,
182
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,211
will you sign
Meg's permission slip
183
00:07:51,363 --> 00:07:52,804
for the Historic Slater Mill?
184
00:07:52,956 --> 00:07:56,016
I left it at the foot
of the toilet between my shoes.
185
00:08:01,206 --> 00:08:03,056
WITHERSPOON:
I don't have to show you my ID.
186
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,708
I'm Reese Witherspoon.
187
00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:06,893
You have arrived
at your destination.
188
00:08:07,045 --> 00:08:08,135
Oh, thank God.
189
00:08:08,230 --> 00:08:09,879
Stewie, you-you got...
190
00:08:09,898 --> 00:08:10,897
you got my texts.
191
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,491
Yeah, didn't so much "get" them
192
00:08:12,642 --> 00:08:15,235
as was "panic-startled awake"
by them.
193
00:08:15,387 --> 00:08:17,403
I just... I really am...
194
00:08:17,556 --> 00:08:20,147
is in no condition
to drive home.
195
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,167
It was dog trivia night.
196
00:08:22,394 --> 00:08:23,910
People kept buying me shots.
197
00:08:24,062 --> 00:08:25,562
I-I almost...
(gags)
198
00:08:25,580 --> 00:08:27,339
Oh, God. Oh, pull...
Uh, pull over! Pull over!
199
00:08:27,566 --> 00:08:28,748
-(gagging)
-Aah! Are you gonna puke?!
200
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:29,841
Aah! Not in the car!
201
00:08:29,993 --> 00:08:32,636
Here, here,
aim it into this TCBY cup.
202
00:08:34,406 --> 00:08:36,348
(panting)
203
00:08:38,577 --> 00:08:39,926
(sighs)
204
00:08:40,078 --> 00:08:41,686
Okay. Okay.
205
00:08:41,838 --> 00:08:43,522
(gags)
Okay. I'm okay.
206
00:08:45,417 --> 00:08:47,192
-You good?
-Yeah. Sorry. For a second...
207
00:08:47,343 --> 00:08:50,195
Aah! No!
In the yogurt cup, Brian!
208
00:08:50,346 --> 00:08:51,679
No, not on the seats!
209
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,014
The cup! The cup!
210
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,242
(panting)
211
00:08:56,519 --> 00:08:58,444
Look, this is gonna sound
racist, but...
212
00:08:58,597 --> 00:09:00,688
-Stop.
-No, no, hear me out.
It's just...
213
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,040
-Stop.
-All I'm saying is...
214
00:09:02,191 --> 00:09:03,116
-Stop. Stop.
-It's j...
215
00:09:03,268 --> 00:09:04,617
Norwegians can't dance.
216
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:08,088
Oh. That's actually not as bad
as I thought it would be.
217
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,551
It is clearly
he has not seen me dance
218
00:09:12,702 --> 00:09:15,795
around the skensen tree
on Julaften for true, ja?
219
00:09:15,947 --> 00:09:20,283
Ja, we can do hopping
like lutefisk in the almond pot.
220
00:09:20,285 --> 00:09:21,208
ANNOUNCER:
Family Guy--
221
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:23,645
we googled Norway for this joke.
222
00:09:25,791 --> 00:09:28,291
I manage the entire
Teacher Appreciation Night
223
00:09:28,384 --> 00:09:30,402
and I'm supposed to accept
second vice president?
224
00:09:30,478 --> 00:09:31,736
They are disrespecting you,
Donna.
225
00:09:31,963 --> 00:09:33,296
They are disrespecting you.
226
00:09:33,315 --> 00:09:35,315
No doubt. What about you?
227
00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:37,558
Did the airline give you
the Miami route yet?
228
00:09:37,652 --> 00:09:39,226
They say I'm "next in line."
229
00:09:39,304 --> 00:09:41,154
They are disrespecting you,
Glenn.
230
00:09:41,306 --> 00:09:44,140
They are disrespecting you.
231
00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:45,250
Okay, see you next week.
232
00:09:45,401 --> 00:09:46,509
Yeah, you will.
233
00:09:46,569 --> 00:09:48,569
And thanks
for signing my Facebook petition
234
00:09:48,663 --> 00:09:49,570
about the speed bumps.
235
00:09:49,739 --> 00:09:50,672
We'll get 'em.
236
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:53,967
What the hell?
237
00:09:56,671 --> 00:09:57,912
All right, Joe,
238
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,747
it's showtime.
239
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:00,765
What is she doing?
240
00:10:00,917 --> 00:10:02,325
It's not even sunny.
241
00:10:02,494 --> 00:10:04,394
♪ ♪
242
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:12,018
Oh, my God. She's putting on
some kind of weird show for Joe.
243
00:10:12,170 --> 00:10:13,260
This is a betrayal.
244
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,613
Peter deserves to know.
245
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,506
He deserves to know right away.
246
00:10:16,524 --> 00:10:17,741
(phone buzzing)
247
00:10:19,194 --> 00:10:21,494
Ugh. Don't make me do
a voice call.
248
00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:24,748
I'll fire him a text
down the line.
249
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:29,853
Hey, thanks for coming out
with just me, Peter.
250
00:10:29,855 --> 00:10:32,947
There's something very important
I need to talk to you about.
251
00:10:33,024 --> 00:10:34,874
(gasps)
Am I...
252
00:10:35,026 --> 00:10:36,042
adopted?
253
00:10:36,194 --> 00:10:37,802
What? No. What?
254
00:10:37,879 --> 00:10:39,028
Are you getting divorced?
255
00:10:39,122 --> 00:10:40,287
I'm not even married.
256
00:10:40,456 --> 00:10:42,307
We're moving again,
'cause of the Army?
257
00:10:42,458 --> 00:10:43,549
Well, it's a big move up for me
258
00:10:43,702 --> 00:10:44,959
and you're gonna get
your own room and...
259
00:10:45,128 --> 00:10:47,128
I mean, no! No!
That-That's not... Look, look.
260
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,796
What I'm trying to tell you
261
00:10:48,890 --> 00:10:51,132
is I saw Lois strutting around
your front yard,
262
00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:53,151
basically putting on
a sex show for Joe.
263
00:10:53,302 --> 00:10:54,544
And he was into it.
264
00:10:54,562 --> 00:10:56,562
What? He-he was?
265
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:57,714
Are you sure?
266
00:10:57,883 --> 00:10:59,716
Trust me, Peter,
when it comes to sex,
267
00:10:59,885 --> 00:11:01,308
I know what I'm talking about.
268
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:04,478
L-Like, did you know 46%
of people picture someone else
269
00:11:04,572 --> 00:11:06,055
when they're having sex
with their spouse?
270
00:11:06,074 --> 00:11:07,666
Wow, did you read that
in an article?
271
00:11:07,893 --> 00:11:09,501
No, I do all my own research.
272
00:11:09,728 --> 00:11:11,561
(moaning)
273
00:11:11,654 --> 00:11:13,505
(quietly): Who are you
thinking of right now?
274
00:11:13,656 --> 00:11:15,231
Um, Chris Pine.
275
00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:17,717
-Huh. He's doing well
this cycle.
-(moans)
276
00:11:19,087 --> 00:11:22,222
Damn it. I'll teach Joe
to ogle my wife.
277
00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:24,590
Oh, hey, Peter.
278
00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:26,910
What are you clenching
in that fist there?
279
00:11:26,928 --> 00:11:28,144
-(grunts)
-(groans)
280
00:11:30,173 --> 00:11:33,566
Well, that was sadder
than what I was going for.
281
00:11:35,270 --> 00:11:36,894
Well, least it's over.
282
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:42,158
Oh, God, those are all
"final notice" wheelchair bills.
283
00:11:43,945 --> 00:11:45,662
Not a good day for Joe.
284
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:52,335
Not... a good day... for Joe.
285
00:11:58,201 --> 00:12:00,109
Peter, this is insane.
286
00:12:00,278 --> 00:12:02,612
I can't believe you would
beat up your own friend.
287
00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:03,780
Well, can you blame me?
288
00:12:03,782 --> 00:12:04,797
After the sick show
289
00:12:04,950 --> 00:12:06,433
you two were putting on
out there?
290
00:12:06,542 --> 00:12:07,450
Fine, Peter.
291
00:12:07,543 --> 00:12:09,394
So what if I was
putting on a show?
292
00:12:09,545 --> 00:12:11,712
At least someone
was in the audience.
293
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:15,291
And maybe ask yourself why
I'd even feel I have to do that.
294
00:12:15,310 --> 00:12:17,310
I come out of the bathroom
in my underwear last night
295
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,129
and all you want to do
is look at James Cromwell.
296
00:12:20,148 --> 00:12:22,131
It was weird.
He had most of his hair.
297
00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:24,317
You don't find me
attractive anymore.
298
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,911
Oh, come on,
it's not you-- it's time.
299
00:12:27,021 --> 00:12:28,395
After all these years
of marriage,
300
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:31,808
your naked body has pretty much
no effect on me anymore.
301
00:12:31,826 --> 00:12:34,753
It's basically like staring
at a chair from the DMV.
302
00:12:34,904 --> 00:12:37,905
Well, sue me for trying
to help reignite the passion
303
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,591
in another couple's marriage.
304
00:12:39,818 --> 00:12:41,408
I can't seem to do it in my own.
305
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,743
That's not what you're doing.
306
00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:44,153
You're flaunting yourself
307
00:12:44,172 --> 00:12:45,004
in front
of the whole neighborhood
308
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,672
just to boost your own ego.
309
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,600
(sighs)
All right, Peter,
310
00:12:48,827 --> 00:12:50,084
I'll be honest with you.
311
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,328
We're moving again,
'cause of the Army?
312
00:12:52,421 --> 00:12:54,588
What? No.
We're talking about Joe.
313
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:57,692
Oh, right. We're moving again
'cause Joe's in the Army.
314
00:12:59,671 --> 00:13:02,113
-(groans)
-I don't want to move to Omaha.
315
00:13:02,265 --> 00:13:04,532
My friends are here.
316
00:13:10,865 --> 00:13:11,790
What is this?
317
00:13:11,941 --> 00:13:13,182
What do you think you're doing?
318
00:13:13,201 --> 00:13:14,942
Not that it's any
of your business, Lois,
319
00:13:15,036 --> 00:13:16,853
but I'm fighting fire with fire.
320
00:13:16,871 --> 00:13:19,188
Now, if you need me,
I'll be chopping wood out front
321
00:13:19,282 --> 00:13:21,508
when all the stroller moms
go by.
322
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:26,120
♪ ♪
323
00:13:26,214 --> 00:13:26,971
Oh.
324
00:13:27,198 --> 00:13:28,381
-That's right, ladies.
-Oh, my.
325
00:13:28,533 --> 00:13:30,124
-(gasps) Oh.
-I'll be here all morning,
326
00:13:30,218 --> 00:13:31,625
turning small pieces of wood
327
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:35,230
into even smaller pieces of wood
for no reason.
328
00:13:38,393 --> 00:13:41,044
Okay, so,
for purposes of the claim,
329
00:13:41,062 --> 00:13:42,378
what was the cause
of the accident?
330
00:13:42,471 --> 00:13:44,155
Yeah, I don't know
how that thing broke.
331
00:13:44,382 --> 00:13:47,158
Well, I see your neighbor
has a Nest camera.
332
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,075
That was from
a previous attempt.
333
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:59,228
I thought I looked hot,
but then the paperboy laughed.
334
00:13:59,322 --> 00:14:00,746
Un-Unless you think it worked?
335
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:03,991
Sir, I'm just trying to find out
what happened with the window
336
00:14:04,085 --> 00:14:06,327
and head home to eat
a Runeberg torte,
337
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,587
a dessert from Finland.
338
00:14:07,739 --> 00:14:10,423
Oh, yes. Named after
the Finnish national poet,
339
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,166
Johan Ludvig Runeberg.
340
00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:14,001
ANNOUNCER:
We kind of fell down
a rabbit hole
341
00:14:14,095 --> 00:14:15,645
on those countries up there.
342
00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,509
Okay. Any better?
343
00:14:22,604 --> 00:14:25,588
(sniffs) Well, now I just smell
Febreze and vomit.
344
00:14:25,681 --> 00:14:26,606
Stupid dog.
345
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,684
Seems like having a car
is a real pain.
346
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,778
God, it's the wors...
I mean, no way.
347
00:14:32,931 --> 00:14:34,539
Having a car is a dream.
348
00:14:34,690 --> 00:14:37,191
And having an expensive car
you're constantly terrified
349
00:14:37,285 --> 00:14:39,043
about getting dinged
or dirtied--
350
00:14:39,195 --> 00:14:41,379
that's, like, the best thing
you can hope for.
351
00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:42,547
(phone chimes)
352
00:14:42,774 --> 00:14:43,882
Uhp, text from Brian.
353
00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:46,943
"Let me know
if you're going on a Tums run."
354
00:14:46,961 --> 00:14:48,720
Ugh, so passive-aggressive.
355
00:14:48,871 --> 00:14:50,972
"Do you need Tums?"
356
00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:59,230
(sighs) All right, Chris,
as long as I'm going,
357
00:14:59,382 --> 00:15:00,398
do you need anything?
358
00:15:00,549 --> 00:15:02,901
Well, if you're going
on a Desenex run,
359
00:15:03,128 --> 00:15:04,068
I wouldn't say no.
360
00:15:04,145 --> 00:15:05,128
Do you need Desenex?
361
00:15:05,221 --> 00:15:07,530
Only if you're going on a run.
362
00:15:12,804 --> 00:15:14,395
(chuckles):
Hey, Joe.
363
00:15:14,489 --> 00:15:18,565
I was wondering if you needed
to borrow a cup of sugar.
364
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:19,976
No, thanks, Lois.
365
00:15:20,145 --> 00:15:22,812
And, also, that's not how
the sugar thing usually works.
366
00:15:22,830 --> 00:15:24,147
Well, I just...
367
00:15:24,165 --> 00:15:25,739
Lois, you can stop
with the phony excuses.
368
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:28,075
I know why you've been doing
what you're doing,
369
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,410
and I think
it's better if you stop.
370
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,653
But, Joe, I just...
371
00:15:30,672 --> 00:15:32,579
Look, I've given this
tremendous thought,
372
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:35,174
wondering if the reason
I became so excited
373
00:15:35,326 --> 00:15:38,161
by all that's happened
is that Peter's a good friend
374
00:15:38,254 --> 00:15:40,329
and perhaps the affection
you two share
375
00:15:40,348 --> 00:15:42,331
was briefly channeled towards me
376
00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:44,943
as a reminder and renewal
of the importance
377
00:15:45,094 --> 00:15:48,004
of maintaining a deep sense of
wonder and curiosity about life.
378
00:15:48,022 --> 00:15:51,190
But then I realized it was
mostly about seeing side-boob
379
00:15:51,342 --> 00:15:53,600
that was
not my wife's side-boob.
380
00:15:53,695 --> 00:15:54,844
It just has to be different.
381
00:15:54,862 --> 00:15:56,287
I can't stress that enough.
382
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,364
But-but I'm okay with that, Joe.
383
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,850
Sorry, Lois.
I can't do this to Peter.
384
00:16:00,943 --> 00:16:03,610
But please know that you
have done a great service
385
00:16:03,705 --> 00:16:05,946
for my and Bonnie's sex life.
386
00:16:05,966 --> 00:16:08,633
Oh, I understand.
387
00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:10,635
Bye, Joe.
388
00:16:10,786 --> 00:16:12,637
-Say, Lois.
-Yes?
389
00:16:12,788 --> 00:16:15,956
You're not going on a catheter
run, by any chance, are you?
390
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:17,791
Do you need me
to get you catheters?
391
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,269
Only if you're going on a run.
392
00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:25,149
Stop kicking my seat!
393
00:16:25,226 --> 00:16:26,876
That's it!
If I have to stop this car,
394
00:16:26,894 --> 00:16:28,728
there'll be no popsicles!
395
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,239
Probably-probably no popsicles.
396
00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:34,884
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
397
00:16:34,886 --> 00:16:36,977
♪ Simple life on a big wheel ♪
398
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:39,572
♪ Very unencumbered. ♪
399
00:16:39,724 --> 00:16:41,207
(sighs)
400
00:16:43,652 --> 00:16:45,027
Aah! Rupert!
401
00:16:45,079 --> 00:16:46,653
Rupert, talk to me!
402
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,080
How many fingers
am I holding up?
403
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,174
Two? No, it's three.
404
00:16:50,401 --> 00:16:52,401
Okay, the thumb isn't a finger--
you're right.
405
00:16:52,420 --> 00:16:55,638
So glad you're okay
to point that out.
406
00:16:57,166 --> 00:16:59,242
Still, I thought I'd lost you.
407
00:16:59,335 --> 00:17:01,927
Oh, this car has brought me
nothing but trouble.
408
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:04,004
Well, there's
only one thing to do.
409
00:17:04,098 --> 00:17:06,098
I don't know.
I just parked it on the street,
410
00:17:06,251 --> 00:17:08,008
and when I woke up this morning,
it was gone.
411
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:10,177
Well, this Nest camera footage
shows you
412
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:13,072
dousing it in gasoline
and setting it ablaze.
413
00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:18,703
I have Nest Cam footage
of you pleasuring yourself
414
00:17:18,854 --> 00:17:19,704
in our hedges.
415
00:17:19,855 --> 00:17:21,414
Is a check okay?
416
00:17:23,859 --> 00:17:26,544
Yeah, I did a good thing
for Joe and Bonnie's marriage.
417
00:17:26,695 --> 00:17:28,362
It's not about me,
it's about them.
418
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,048
And if I could do it for Joe...
419
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,958
...I can do it
for a whole hospital wing
420
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,610
of disabled veterans.
421
00:17:34,703 --> 00:17:37,463
Lois Griffin,
reporting for duty.
422
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,208
What possessed you
to impersonate a nurse
423
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:44,954
and give seven addled Korean War
veterans sponge baths?
424
00:17:44,972 --> 00:17:48,357
I'm a sexually desirable woman!
425
00:17:49,627 --> 00:17:52,070
Peter? Wh-What
are you doing here?
426
00:17:52,297 --> 00:17:56,365
I smushed my thing up against
the glass of a Lululemon.
427
00:18:01,564 --> 00:18:04,323
I'm really sorry for
all the stuff I said earlier.
428
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,808
Oh, me, too.
429
00:18:05,827 --> 00:18:08,811
It's just, after all
these years, when I look at you,
430
00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:10,404
all I see
is dealing with the kids,
431
00:18:10,498 --> 00:18:12,590
figuring out meals,
going through the mail.
432
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:15,409
It's great that Joe could see
you like you used to be,
433
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,928
but, for me,
it's getting harder.
434
00:18:17,079 --> 00:18:18,671
No, it's my fault, too.
435
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,598
I've taken us for granted,
436
00:18:20,749 --> 00:18:22,916
a-and it felt so nice to be seen
437
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,936
as the person
I used to think I was.
438
00:18:25,087 --> 00:18:26,162
Truth is, eventually,
439
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:28,422
I'd probably get bored
with any woman.
440
00:18:28,516 --> 00:18:30,942
Might as well get bored
with the woman I love.
441
00:18:31,018 --> 00:18:33,502
Well, I can sit here
and tell you today
442
00:18:33,521 --> 00:18:36,597
I'm as bored with you
as I've ever been.
443
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:37,857
I love you.
444
00:18:38,009 --> 00:18:39,725
I love you, too, Lois.
445
00:18:39,877 --> 00:18:41,602
-(gasps) Oh!
-Wow.
446
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,455
You know, I've never seen you
in a nurse's outfit before.
447
00:18:44,607 --> 00:18:47,774
(chuckles): And I've
never seen you dressed as...
448
00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,627
Prom Night Tarzan?
449
00:18:49,854 --> 00:18:51,445
I'm a Chippendales dancer.
450
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,856
Oh, Chippendales.
451
00:18:54,025 --> 00:18:56,283
I know they have
a big cover charge.
452
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,970
How much is the uncover charge?
453
00:18:59,197 --> 00:19:01,121
For you, it's $35,
454
00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:02,306
'cause you didn't bring
enough people
455
00:19:02,533 --> 00:19:04,258
to qualify for the group rate,
456
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:07,812
but it does include
a $12 bottle of Costco champagne
457
00:19:08,039 --> 00:19:09,963
that we're gonna tell you
is worth $100.
458
00:19:10,041 --> 00:19:12,299
Why? But...
Peter, you're bad at this.
459
00:19:12,435 --> 00:19:14,727
No, no, you argue back
and then we get all hot.
460
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:18,381
I'm raising two children alone
in a single apartment.
461
00:19:18,399 --> 00:19:19,640
Okay, I'm back in.
462
00:19:19,734 --> 00:19:22,234
Boy, you really made
some mistakes in your life,
463
00:19:22,387 --> 00:19:25,738
haven't you,
you little piece of trash?
464
00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:27,832
(moaning)
465
00:19:27,983 --> 00:19:30,075
Uh, there's someone else
in here.
466
00:19:30,228 --> 00:19:32,244
-Oh, my God!
-What the hell?
467
00:19:32,397 --> 00:19:34,413
Principal Shepherd?
You're in here, too?
468
00:19:34,565 --> 00:19:36,749
Yeah, I got into a slap fight
with the Applebee's hostess
469
00:19:36,918 --> 00:19:38,401
because they wouldn't
turn on Fox News.
470
00:19:38,419 --> 00:19:40,178
Y-You know what,
we'll wait till we get home.
471
00:19:40,329 --> 00:19:41,512
(chuckles)
We're so sorry.
472
00:19:41,664 --> 00:19:43,923
For what?
I didn't tell you to stop.
473
00:19:44,075 --> 00:19:46,517
Um... okay.
474
00:19:47,836 --> 00:19:50,021
(moaning)
475
00:19:51,599 --> 00:19:53,082
Oh, Peter!
476
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:54,358
PETER:
Oh, Lois!
477
00:19:54,510 --> 00:19:55,935
SHEPHERD:
Can you call out the names
478
00:19:56,087 --> 00:19:57,862
of garbage people from Fox News?
479
00:19:57,939 --> 00:19:59,197
LOIS:
Oh, Hannity!
480
00:19:59,348 --> 00:20:00,423
PETER:
Oh, Tucker!
481
00:20:00,516 --> 00:20:02,182
LOIS:
Oh, Judge Jeanine!
482
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:03,534
PETER:
Oh, Steve Doocy!
483
00:20:03,761 --> 00:20:05,928
LOIS:
Uh, who's that terrible
blonde lady
484
00:20:05,947 --> 00:20:07,354
whose own family hates her?
485
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:08,431
SHEPHERD:
Laura Ingraham.
486
00:20:08,449 --> 00:20:10,766
LOIS:
Oh, Laura Ingraham!
487
00:20:10,859 --> 00:20:11,959
Yes!
488
00:20:17,866 --> 00:20:19,383
Oh, Peter, I'm so glad
489
00:20:19,610 --> 00:20:22,053
we were able to discover
this new level of intimacy.
490
00:20:22,204 --> 00:20:24,388
I-I've never felt
so connected to you.
491
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,539
Me either.
492
00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:27,466
And I never knew
your biggest fantasy
493
00:20:27,618 --> 00:20:30,228
was to do it as a cat
from a children's book.
494
00:20:30,379 --> 00:20:32,355
(moaning)
495
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,307
NARRATOR:
For most of the night,
496
00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:37,217
Peter gooshed on her flumpkus.
497
00:20:37,386 --> 00:20:38,885
She crunkled his wanz-it.
498
00:20:38,980 --> 00:20:40,479
He boobled her bumpkus.
499
00:20:40,631 --> 00:20:44,300
The bangle-bong lasted
till first break of day.
500
00:20:44,393 --> 00:20:46,969
Six times that night
she screamed,
501
00:20:46,988 --> 00:20:49,247
"Zazu-ki-zay!"
502
00:20:49,398 --> 00:20:50,748
The end.
503
00:20:50,899 --> 00:20:52,141
Good night, Stewie.
504
00:20:52,234 --> 00:20:54,627
Don't read me books
that you write.