1 00:00:01,393 --> 00:00:04,819 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,156 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:11,677 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,904 --> 00:00:14,254 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,406 --> 00:00:18,242 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:21,336 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,080 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,098 --> 00:00:24,339 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,433 --> 00:00:31,196 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:37,930 --> 00:00:40,430 Ah, boy, do I love the Fall Festival. 11 00:00:40,449 --> 00:00:42,041 Especially how everywhere you turn 12 00:00:42,268 --> 00:00:43,876 is the smell of pumpkin spice. 13 00:00:44,027 --> 00:00:45,435 Pumpkin spice. 14 00:00:45,529 --> 00:00:48,772 Sounds like a reject from a female British pop band. 15 00:00:49,775 --> 00:00:51,775 Quit tossing your scarf over your shoulder 16 00:00:51,794 --> 00:00:52,867 to punctuate your jokes. 17 00:00:53,036 --> 00:00:53,944 You know what, Peter? 18 00:00:54,113 --> 00:00:55,128 I like me. 19 00:00:55,281 --> 00:00:56,630 Look, "Guess Your Weight." 20 00:00:56,724 --> 00:01:01,310 With a line that long, I'll guess my own wait: 30 minutes. 21 00:01:02,212 --> 00:01:04,045 Oop, see you in a few. 22 00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:06,065 Got scarfed up. 23 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:12,813 (laughing) 24 00:01:12,965 --> 00:01:14,131 No. No, no, no. 25 00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:15,966 I don't-- I don't throw in public. 26 00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:17,651 Ugh, and I only fetch. 27 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,653 All right, I'll see if I can get my money back. 28 00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:20,746 Excuse me? 29 00:01:29,906 --> 00:01:32,257 Oh, cool. I like your tattoo. 30 00:01:32,409 --> 00:01:35,243 Oh, that? Yeah, that's the Hormone Monstress. 31 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,154 She likes sex and I like sex, so I figured 32 00:01:37,172 --> 00:01:39,914 I'd permanently disfigure myself with something 33 00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:42,159 I'd seen on Netflix three times. 34 00:01:42,177 --> 00:01:43,677 You like sex, huh? 35 00:01:43,829 --> 00:01:46,555 You, uh, wouldn't maybe want to grab dinner sometime? 36 00:01:46,665 --> 00:01:49,257 Nah, but I'll bang you in the porta-potty 37 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:51,593 back by the very loud generators. 38 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:54,004 The one that smells like all different pees mixed together? 39 00:01:54,022 --> 00:01:55,447 Um, hell yes. 40 00:01:55,674 --> 00:01:56,673 See ya, Stewie. 41 00:01:56,766 --> 00:01:57,674 Wait, you're just going to 42 00:01:57,767 --> 00:01:58,784 leave me here by myself? 43 00:01:58,894 --> 00:02:00,435 Look at all these ne'er-do-wells. 44 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:03,497 When's that guy gonna do well? Ne'er. 45 00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:10,370 Hello, carnival-goers, and welcome to "Generation Gap," 46 00:02:10,522 --> 00:02:12,689 where we learn which of these parents and kids 47 00:02:12,708 --> 00:02:13,799 know each other best. 48 00:02:14,026 --> 00:02:16,135 How'd you get Dad to agree to be in this? 49 00:02:16,362 --> 00:02:18,804 I rescued him from the corn maze, so he owes me. 50 00:02:18,955 --> 00:02:19,880 Oh. 51 00:02:20,032 --> 00:02:21,456 Yeah, he was crying. 52 00:02:21,550 --> 00:02:22,808 Okay, first question: 53 00:02:22,959 --> 00:02:25,385 Parents, what does your child want to be 54 00:02:25,537 --> 00:02:27,220 when they grow up? 55 00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,815 How did you answer, Team Number One? 56 00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:31,483 Lady NASA scientist. 57 00:02:31,635 --> 00:02:34,135 Okay, weird, and what did you say, Dad? 58 00:02:34,229 --> 00:02:35,896 Hidden Figures gal? 59 00:02:36,048 --> 00:02:36,880 Judges? 60 00:02:36,899 --> 00:02:37,972 -(bell dings) -A match. 61 00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:38,973 (crowd applauding) 62 00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:40,400 Team Number Two? 63 00:02:40,552 --> 00:02:42,068 You both said, "Retire after 64 00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:44,312 large personal injury settlement." 65 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,313 -Bravo. -(bell dings) 66 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,148 -(crowd applauding) -Team Three? 67 00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:50,560 Guy who holds the "Slow" sign during road construction. 68 00:02:50,579 --> 00:02:52,229 And, Dad, you said...? 69 00:02:52,247 --> 00:02:53,672 -Leprechaun. -(buzzer buzzing) 70 00:02:53,899 --> 00:02:55,674 (laughter) 71 00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:57,734 Ooh, our first wrong answer. 72 00:02:57,827 --> 00:02:58,902 Fat Leprechaun? 73 00:02:58,921 --> 00:02:59,845 Also incorrect. 74 00:03:00,072 --> 00:03:01,071 You may not understand the game. 75 00:03:01,164 --> 00:03:02,347 Next question: 76 00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:06,518 Kids, what would your parent say is their hobby? 77 00:03:06,745 --> 00:03:07,744 Team Number One? 78 00:03:07,763 --> 00:03:09,079 Refurbishing people's 79 00:03:09,081 --> 00:03:10,096 garage door openers. 80 00:03:10,249 --> 00:03:11,339 That's a match. 81 00:03:11,433 --> 00:03:12,933 -(bell ringing) -It's one button. 82 00:03:13,085 --> 00:03:15,068 You just got to fix one button. 83 00:03:19,608 --> 00:03:21,700 Okay, final question. 84 00:03:21,851 --> 00:03:25,429 Team Three, who is your child's favorite singer? 85 00:03:25,447 --> 00:03:27,113 The Price is Right yodeler. 86 00:03:27,266 --> 00:03:29,524 What? No. I said Adele. 87 00:03:29,618 --> 00:03:30,525 Judges? 88 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:31,768 (buzzer buzzing) 89 00:03:31,861 --> 00:03:33,770 (laughter) 90 00:03:33,863 --> 00:03:35,622 Ugh, this is more humiliating 91 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,700 than my first day working at that rice pilaf company. 92 00:03:38,794 --> 00:03:42,446 You know, I think we can start putting pilaf in other things. 93 00:03:42,464 --> 00:03:45,115 Lois, can I see you in my office for a second? 94 00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:46,541 (Lois sobbing) 95 00:03:46,635 --> 00:03:49,728 I told you not to rock the boat over there. 96 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,234 Oh, there you are, little dude. 97 00:03:55,461 --> 00:03:57,827 Ah, finally back from the carnival, I see. 98 00:03:57,829 --> 00:03:59,238 Ah, it was amazing. 99 00:03:59,465 --> 00:04:01,889 I got to tell you all about Amber, amigo. 100 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,984 "Little dude"? "Amigo"? 101 00:04:04,152 --> 00:04:06,820 Brian, have you... have you forgotten my name? 102 00:04:06,972 --> 00:04:08,730 I don't know, I-I spent the whole afternoon 103 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,249 drinking ethanol out of a ladle. 104 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:11,308 It's "Stewie." 105 00:04:11,326 --> 00:04:12,567 Stewie, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 106 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:16,146 Anyway, Amber is, like, the perfect girl for me. 107 00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:17,497 How old is she, even? 108 00:04:17,649 --> 00:04:18,982 Well, she's so weathered 109 00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:20,667 that that's a hard number to peg. 110 00:04:20,819 --> 00:04:23,153 Either 27 or 61. 111 00:04:23,246 --> 00:04:25,505 But the thing is, Stewie, she's leaving town 112 00:04:25,657 --> 00:04:27,507 with the carnival in three days, Stewie, 113 00:04:27,659 --> 00:04:31,937 so it's sex-sex-sex and then "adios," Stewie. 114 00:04:32,164 --> 00:04:34,756 By the way, and, like, relax about this, 115 00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:38,026 but is abortion still legal in Rhode Island? 116 00:04:41,282 --> 00:04:44,174 Peter, it was humiliating having the whole town witness 117 00:04:44,192 --> 00:04:46,860 you and Chris not knowing the first thing about each other. 118 00:04:47,012 --> 00:04:48,512 I know the first thing about him. 119 00:04:48,514 --> 00:04:51,681 It was his goopy head squishing out of you like toothpaste. 120 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:54,351 Peter, it's important a boy knows his father. 121 00:04:54,369 --> 00:04:56,703 Now go up to Chris' room and talk to him. 122 00:04:56,855 --> 00:04:58,380 (sighs) 123 00:05:01,209 --> 00:05:02,968 Hey, Chris, can I talk to you for a second? 124 00:05:03,119 --> 00:05:04,361 Next door over, Chief. 125 00:05:04,379 --> 00:05:05,545 Roger that. 126 00:05:06,715 --> 00:05:08,289 -(Peter knocking) -STEWIE: Yeah, Pop? What's up? 127 00:05:08,383 --> 00:05:09,558 PETER: Oh, I'm so sorry. 128 00:05:10,536 --> 00:05:12,218 -Chris? -Yes? 129 00:05:12,371 --> 00:05:13,270 Phew. 130 00:05:24,474 --> 00:05:26,307 (sighs) Is there something you want, Dad? 131 00:05:26,401 --> 00:05:28,718 I don't know. Your mom sent me up here. 132 00:05:28,737 --> 00:05:30,904 We-we embarrassed her in front of the town or something. 133 00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:33,314 Ugh, that is so Mom, 134 00:05:33,392 --> 00:05:35,817 always getting mad about stuff that doesn't even matter. 135 00:05:36,027 --> 00:05:37,485 Oh, my God, tell me about it. 136 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,338 I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing, 137 00:05:39,565 --> 00:05:42,732 "Peter, don't use my hair dryer to dry your anus." 138 00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:44,734 (laughs) Yeah, or 139 00:05:44,753 --> 00:05:47,904 "Chris, stop freezing bees until they fall asleep 140 00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:49,997 and gluing little leashes on them." 141 00:05:50,092 --> 00:05:51,741 (laughs) Totally. 142 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,685 God, I can't believe you notice this stuff, too. 143 00:05:53,837 --> 00:05:57,247 Oh, you mean like how if a pair of her underpants goes missing 144 00:05:57,416 --> 00:05:59,524 she can't just let it go and move on? 145 00:05:59,676 --> 00:06:00,842 Exactly. 146 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,936 (laughter) 147 00:06:03,088 --> 00:06:06,198 Well, sounds like bonding to me. 148 00:06:06,349 --> 00:06:09,534 Looks like somebody worked some pretty good mom magic. 149 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,412 Huh? Where the hell are all my underpants? 150 00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:20,695 Okay, place your bets. 151 00:06:20,864 --> 00:06:23,197 Stewie's shoe: burn or melt? 152 00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:25,275 I'm gonna say a little bit of melt, 153 00:06:25,293 --> 00:06:27,677 and then a lot of very quick burn. 154 00:06:32,041 --> 00:06:34,801 Wow, would not have expected rainbow sparks. 155 00:06:34,953 --> 00:06:36,878 Lot of chemicals near my baby's foot. 156 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,472 Well, look at you two getting along. 157 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:40,974 Now I wonder who made that happ-- 158 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,309 Oh, my God, are you lighting fires in the house? 159 00:06:43,462 --> 00:06:45,478 Huh. Just what we guessed you'd say. 160 00:06:45,631 --> 00:06:47,313 Yeah, it was either gonna be that or, 161 00:06:47,466 --> 00:06:50,075 "I'm Lois. When I don't hit my step goals, 162 00:06:50,226 --> 00:06:53,319 I spin my arm around to trick my Fitbit." 163 00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:55,029 (laughter) 164 00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:56,915 Wh-What is that? Is that supposed to be me? 165 00:06:57,066 --> 00:06:59,734 Oh, I don't know. Maybe you'll recognize this one. 166 00:06:59,828 --> 00:07:02,996 "I'm Mom. I cry on the toilet 167 00:07:03,148 --> 00:07:06,407 as I circle things in catalogs I'll never afford." 168 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:07,667 (laughter) 169 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,502 (smoke alarm beeping) 170 00:07:09,655 --> 00:07:12,097 Ah, damn it. Look what you guys did. 171 00:07:13,008 --> 00:07:15,158 (toy siren wails) 172 00:07:15,251 --> 00:07:18,511 All right, men, looks like Mom's got this one under control. 173 00:07:18,664 --> 00:07:22,274 Now back to the station for spaghetti and a group shower. 174 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,176 Oh, hey, Stewie, perfect timing. 175 00:07:33,269 --> 00:07:35,603 -Amber, come meet Stewie. -Pass. 176 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:38,181 Ooh, he's so cute. 177 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,700 I just got to kidnap him, don't I? 178 00:07:40,869 --> 00:07:41,793 Would you like that? 179 00:07:41,945 --> 00:07:43,186 I stuff you in a duffel bag, 180 00:07:43,279 --> 00:07:45,446 zip it up, we're in Indiana before you know it? 181 00:07:45,540 --> 00:07:46,781 Charmed. 182 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,874 Isn't she awesome? 183 00:07:48,026 --> 00:07:49,116 You want to come inside, babe? 184 00:07:49,285 --> 00:07:51,136 Nah, I'm just gonna park it here for a few hours 185 00:07:51,287 --> 00:07:56,141 and watch Fuller House on my stepson's cracked iPad. 186 00:07:56,368 --> 00:07:59,703 I'm telling you, Stewie, this thing is all next-level sex. 187 00:07:59,796 --> 00:08:03,206 The rugs in her van are just filled with crushed Froot Loops. 188 00:08:03,225 --> 00:08:05,967 So, while we're doing it, I can lean over and lick the crumbs. 189 00:08:06,135 --> 00:08:07,877 I'm familiar with the temptations 190 00:08:07,896 --> 00:08:09,362 of crushed Froot Loops, thank you. 191 00:08:10,473 --> 00:08:12,716 Brian, you should know the Nextdoor app 192 00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,141 is on fire right now. 193 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,995 "Have you seen the van?" "What's with the van?" 194 00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:18,738 "Here's a photo of the van." 195 00:08:18,890 --> 00:08:21,983 "I checked with the police and we can't get rid of the van 196 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,818 unless we witness criminal activity." 197 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,562 And then just some nervous comments 198 00:08:25,655 --> 00:08:28,340 about the Black Amazon driver, but you get the gist. 199 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,904 Hurry up, gang, the movie starts soon. 200 00:08:34,998 --> 00:08:36,163 What are we seeing, Mom? 201 00:08:36,258 --> 00:08:38,591 Oh, something I've been waiting forever for: 202 00:08:38,744 --> 00:08:41,427 Penelope's Struggle starring Renée Zellweger. 203 00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,004 The dramatic, true story 204 00:08:43,098 --> 00:08:45,765 of the first female carriage driver for the Queen. 205 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,417 That movie sounds terrible. 206 00:08:47,435 --> 00:08:49,602 And, besides, Chris and I had our hearts set on seeing 207 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:52,422 the re-release of You Don't Mess with the Zohan, 208 00:08:52,515 --> 00:08:54,866 now remastered to be 40% louder. 209 00:08:55,093 --> 00:08:58,611 Oh, but, Peter, you know I always choose 210 00:08:58,764 --> 00:09:00,764 the movie for family movie night. 211 00:09:00,932 --> 00:09:02,615 It's tradition. 212 00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:07,771 Yeah, but just now I'm realizing Chris and me are two guys. 213 00:09:07,864 --> 00:09:09,363 And you're only one guy. 214 00:09:09,532 --> 00:09:11,049 So, technically, we can outvote you. 215 00:09:11,276 --> 00:09:13,276 I'm sorry. Out-outvote me? 216 00:09:13,369 --> 00:09:15,111 But-- but what about Meg? 217 00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:16,203 I-I mean, she obviously gets a vo-- 218 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,298 All in on Zohan, bro. 219 00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:20,541 ZOHAN: My armpit is smelly 220 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:23,728 and now you smell like my smelly armpit. 221 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,880 (laughs) The whispers in this movie 222 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,358 would be yells in other movies. 223 00:09:32,147 --> 00:09:33,572 (Fitbit beeping) 224 00:09:33,799 --> 00:09:35,815 Ugh, these are basically steps, 225 00:09:35,984 --> 00:09:37,725 it's the same thing as steps. 226 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,819 You can put all that away, Lois. 227 00:09:39,971 --> 00:09:41,988 Me and Chris just bought dinner at the grocery store. 228 00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:44,974 The-the grocery store? W-Without me? 229 00:09:45,026 --> 00:09:47,310 Okay, so everybody gets four puddings 230 00:09:47,329 --> 00:09:48,995 and their own package of bologna. 231 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,481 But I spent all day making lasagna. 232 00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:53,149 Yeah, no, our thing is more fun. 233 00:09:53,168 --> 00:09:54,150 Shall we take a vote? 234 00:09:54,243 --> 00:09:55,594 All in favor say "aye." 235 00:09:55,821 --> 00:09:56,820 -Aye. -Aye. 236 00:09:56,838 --> 00:09:57,837 The "ayes" have it. 237 00:09:57,914 --> 00:09:59,246 Sorry, Lois, democracy. 238 00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:01,507 Oh, and we're dragging the TV into the dining room. 239 00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:03,676 What? You know that's not allowed. 240 00:10:03,829 --> 00:10:04,828 Vote? All in favor say "aye." 241 00:10:04,846 --> 00:10:05,770 -Aye. -Aye. 242 00:10:05,997 --> 00:10:08,523 "Ayes" have it, sorry. Kids, dinner. 243 00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:14,337 Dad, can we watch The White Lotus ? 244 00:10:14,356 --> 00:10:15,096 Why not? 245 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,430 I poop in a suitcase, 246 00:10:16,508 --> 00:10:17,949 I'm wrestled to the ground at LaGuardia. 247 00:10:18,059 --> 00:10:20,243 That guy does it: gold statue. 248 00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,681 (phone chimes) 249 00:10:24,774 --> 00:10:25,682 Oh, boy. 250 00:10:25,775 --> 00:10:26,850 What? What is it? 251 00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:28,034 Text from Amber: 252 00:10:28,186 --> 00:10:30,019 "We should talk about where this is going." 253 00:10:30,113 --> 00:10:32,188 Man, what if she wants to get married? 254 00:10:32,207 --> 00:10:34,132 Ugh, looks like I have to break things off with her. 255 00:10:34,283 --> 00:10:37,010 (tires screeching) 256 00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:41,714 Hey, Amber. Listen, I got your text-- 257 00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,867 Brian, this here ain't working out. 258 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,292 We need to break up. 259 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,812 What? You're breaking up with me? 260 00:10:48,039 --> 00:10:51,207 Whoa. Dumped by a carny. Brutal. 261 00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:53,467 Yeah, I've been thinking. 262 00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:55,211 We don't really have much in common. 263 00:10:55,230 --> 00:10:57,822 I mean, you don't know a single Kid Rock lyric 264 00:10:58,049 --> 00:11:00,383 or the names of any monster trucks. 265 00:11:00,402 --> 00:11:03,644 Monst-- I-- Grave Maker, that's one. 266 00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:07,165 Ah! Grave Digger! You're embarrassing yourself! 267 00:11:07,316 --> 00:11:09,559 Come on, what's this really about? 268 00:11:09,652 --> 00:11:11,244 Is this because I couldn't smash that Percocet 269 00:11:11,396 --> 00:11:12,671 into powder fast enough? 270 00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:18,551 Goodbye, Brian. 271 00:11:20,588 --> 00:11:23,848 Wow, buddy, I just want you to know that I'm... 272 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,091 She's stealing our mail. 273 00:11:25,243 --> 00:11:26,601 She's stealing our mail! 274 00:11:29,672 --> 00:11:31,431 Thanks for meeting me, guys. 275 00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:33,024 I should warn you: this is gonna be 276 00:11:33,176 --> 00:11:36,102 a two-hands-on-the-coffee-cup conversation. 277 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:39,439 All right. Time to get some work done. 278 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:40,423 Don't mind me. 279 00:11:40,442 --> 00:11:42,425 This is screenwriting software. 280 00:11:42,518 --> 00:11:43,702 You've probably never seen it before. 281 00:11:43,929 --> 00:11:45,428 You guys, I don't know what to do. 282 00:11:45,597 --> 00:11:48,114 I-I told Peter to bond with Chris, and he did, 283 00:11:48,266 --> 00:11:50,191 but now, well, it's like they've stolen 284 00:11:50,285 --> 00:11:51,451 all the power in the family. 285 00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:52,711 Oh, no, no, no. 286 00:11:52,938 --> 00:11:55,271 For a mother to remain in control of her family, 287 00:11:55,364 --> 00:11:57,716 she needs to make sure there are no alliances 288 00:11:57,867 --> 00:11:58,883 she's not a part of. 289 00:11:59,035 --> 00:12:00,534 If a scene is in the sea, 290 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:03,370 would you put "interior" or "exterior"? 291 00:12:03,465 --> 00:12:04,464 Ah, never mind. 292 00:12:04,616 --> 00:12:05,782 No alliances, huh? 293 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,283 What's a funny name for a boat? 294 00:12:07,376 --> 00:12:08,468 Well, then, that's it. 295 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,062 I have to drive a wedge between Peter and Chris. 296 00:12:11,214 --> 00:12:12,731 Push them back apart. 297 00:12:12,882 --> 00:12:16,960 Okay, now to loudly watch this Aaron Sorkin MasterClass. 298 00:12:16,978 --> 00:12:20,146 AARON SORKIN: Hi, I'm Aaron Sorkin and I've been paid a lot of money 299 00:12:20,223 --> 00:12:22,966 to give you false hope about your ridiculous dream. 300 00:12:23,059 --> 00:12:24,909 Oh, thanks, you guys. 301 00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:26,411 I got this. 302 00:12:26,562 --> 00:12:27,804 What the hell? 303 00:12:27,822 --> 00:12:29,247 My credit card is gone. 304 00:12:32,193 --> 00:12:33,643 "Dear Lois, 305 00:12:33,661 --> 00:12:36,980 Chris and I borrowed your credit card to shop for fireworks 306 00:12:36,998 --> 00:12:39,740 you would normally have to be a town to buy." 307 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,594 (fireworks exploding) 308 00:12:42,821 --> 00:12:44,504 (Peter distantly laughing) 309 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,656 PETER: Ow! Ow! Ow! 310 00:12:46,658 --> 00:12:48,433 Gather all the fingers! Ow! 311 00:12:55,275 --> 00:13:00,003 All right, time to put an end to this Peter-Chris alliance. 312 00:13:00,021 --> 00:13:03,189 Hey, FYI, I accidentally got in the shower with my socks on. 313 00:13:03,341 --> 00:13:04,598 I wasn't sure what to do, 314 00:13:04,692 --> 00:13:07,010 so I just mashed them down the drain with my elbow. 315 00:13:07,028 --> 00:13:08,861 Peter, we need to talk. 316 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,531 I just found the oddest thing in Chris' room. 317 00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:14,017 It's this essay he apparently wrote for school 318 00:13:14,110 --> 00:13:16,702 about his hero: Joe Swanson. 319 00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:18,112 Joe Swanson? 320 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,113 Let me see that. 321 00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:23,042 Okay, th-this is actually quite long, can you just summarize it? 322 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,545 Chris says, "Mr. Swanson's skewed take 323 00:13:25,697 --> 00:13:29,198 "on contemporary politics is painfully astute 324 00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,958 and refreshingly twisted." 325 00:13:31,052 --> 00:13:32,459 That son of a bitch. 326 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,537 I've been like a father to that kid. 327 00:13:34,539 --> 00:13:35,538 I know, right? 328 00:13:35,557 --> 00:13:38,191 I mean, who does Chris think he is? 329 00:13:39,878 --> 00:13:41,319 The last three pages is all about 330 00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:44,305 how you're aging as well as Jennifer Lopez. 331 00:13:44,399 --> 00:13:45,156 (laughing) 332 00:13:45,308 --> 00:13:46,899 Well, that's our son. 333 00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,993 Oh, hey, Chris. 334 00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:50,736 You know, I just found the oddest thing 335 00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,146 in your father's room: 336 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,166 an essay he wrote for work about his favorite son, 337 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,743 Charles from Charles in Charge. 338 00:13:57,896 --> 00:14:00,730 What? But Charles wasn't even one of the sons. 339 00:14:00,790 --> 00:14:02,582 He was their babysitter. 340 00:14:02,734 --> 00:14:04,250 I'm so sorry. 341 00:14:04,402 --> 00:14:06,419 I know it must be hard to hear that your father 342 00:14:06,495 --> 00:14:08,421 would rather be a parent to a fictional character 343 00:14:08,497 --> 00:14:11,407 who the writers, in five seasons, never even bothered 344 00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:12,833 to give a last name-- 345 00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:15,745 a totally weird but true fact, feel free to Google that-- 346 00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:16,929 than his own son. 347 00:14:17,082 --> 00:14:20,099 I hate him so much. 348 00:14:20,251 --> 00:14:24,028 Wait, Dad dots all his I's with a smiley face? 349 00:14:24,105 --> 00:14:26,013 Yeah, that means he's got flair. 350 00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,681 Maybe those faces brighten his otherwise 351 00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:29,942 bleak day just a tiny bit. 352 00:14:30,095 --> 00:14:31,185 Maybe he's known for them. 353 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,038 I don't know, it seems stupid and weird. 354 00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:35,522 You're stupid and weird! 355 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,283 Now I see why your father prefers 356 00:14:37,435 --> 00:14:39,627 Charles Last Name Unknown. 357 00:14:43,699 --> 00:14:46,626 Hello, uh, my name is Stewie, 358 00:14:46,778 --> 00:14:48,887 and I'm a milk-aholic. 359 00:14:49,114 --> 00:14:50,947 Okay, I figured out what I got to do: 360 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:52,873 I need to get back together with Amber. 361 00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:55,393 What? But I thought you were just about to break up with her. 362 00:14:55,544 --> 00:14:58,471 Brian, are you sure this isn't just your wounded ego talking? 363 00:14:58,623 --> 00:14:59,546 Pfft, no. What? 364 00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,124 No, I-I can really see us together. 365 00:15:01,217 --> 00:15:04,402 There's something romantic about her style of life on the road. 366 00:15:04,629 --> 00:15:06,571 Oh, really? What's the romantic part? 367 00:15:06,798 --> 00:15:08,965 Taking a whore bath in a Taco Bell restroom 368 00:15:08,983 --> 00:15:12,135 or peeing in a Gatorade bottle that you leave near a payphone? 369 00:15:12,153 --> 00:15:13,727 You don't know what you're talking about. 370 00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:14,913 Don't I? 371 00:15:14,989 --> 00:15:17,064 Because I think that you can't stand 372 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,975 that you got dumped by a carny, 373 00:15:19,068 --> 00:15:20,919 someone you feel is inferior to you. 374 00:15:21,070 --> 00:15:23,404 Fine, you're right, okay? I'm pissed. 375 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,482 That's why I'm off to win Amber back so I can dump her. 376 00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:28,927 Look, man, I don't know if Lois and the fat man told you, 377 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,262 but they found a lump on your neck. 378 00:15:31,414 --> 00:15:33,973 Is this really what you want to spend your time on? 379 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,828 What the hell? 380 00:15:38,846 --> 00:15:41,998 I thought you said we were both gonna get Mark Davis haircuts. 381 00:15:42,016 --> 00:15:44,067 -Who's that? -This maniac. 382 00:15:45,928 --> 00:15:48,171 I don't know what you're talking about. 383 00:15:48,264 --> 00:15:49,839 I'm talking about the voice mail you left me. 384 00:15:49,841 --> 00:15:52,933 Which now I see was all just a trick to humiliate me. 385 00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:55,954 -I didn't leave you a voice mail. -Oh, no? 386 00:15:56,105 --> 00:15:57,789 LOIS (imitating Chris): Uh, hey, Dad. 387 00:15:58,016 --> 00:15:59,791 It's your son, Chris. 388 00:15:59,942 --> 00:16:01,867 Hot Pockets and Fortnite. 389 00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:05,021 Son of a bitch, I guess I did call you. 390 00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:07,448 Hey, know what could be fun? 391 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:11,285 If we both got bowl haircuts like-- Oh, hang on. 392 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,862 (normal voice): Estrogen smoothie, please. 393 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,864 Sorry, I'm busy tricking my husband. 394 00:16:14,957 --> 00:16:16,140 Wait a minute. 395 00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,643 I would never trick my husband. 396 00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:21,871 Dad, I think Mom may have left that message. 397 00:16:21,889 --> 00:16:23,464 (gasps) But why? 398 00:16:23,558 --> 00:16:26,317 You think she's, like, trying to get us mad at each other? 399 00:16:26,544 --> 00:16:29,320 Well, it would certainly explain the voice mail I got. 400 00:16:29,547 --> 00:16:31,138 Hey, Chris, Principal Shepherd here. 401 00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:34,641 So, listen, the nurse is going to press charges 402 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,385 for you touching her breast. 403 00:16:36,404 --> 00:16:39,646 I offered her the money like you said, but, well, 404 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,165 that seemed to make it worse. 405 00:16:41,317 --> 00:16:43,001 So, we either got to come up on that number 406 00:16:43,228 --> 00:16:44,544 or find a different plan, 407 00:16:44,695 --> 00:16:49,582 but methinks a lawyer is in our future. Hmph. 408 00:16:49,734 --> 00:16:51,567 Anyway, call me back, 409 00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:55,905 but remember the rule on these: delete, delete, delete. 410 00:16:55,998 --> 00:16:57,831 AUTOMATED VOICE: Message saved. 411 00:16:57,925 --> 00:17:00,393 What kind of game is Mom playing? 412 00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:09,193 ("Palisades Park" playing) 413 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,699 ♪ Last night I took a walk after dark ♪ 414 00:17:14,850 --> 00:17:17,851 ♪ A swingin' place called Palisades Park ♪ 415 00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:20,946 ♪ To have some fun and see what I could see ♪ 416 00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:22,948 ♪ That's where the girls are. ♪ 417 00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:25,651 Brian? What are you doing? 418 00:17:25,803 --> 00:17:27,378 Amber, please take me back. 419 00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:29,380 Look, I even brought you a peace offering: 420 00:17:29,532 --> 00:17:31,532 a pack of cigarettes and some Nicorette gum 421 00:17:31,626 --> 00:17:33,976 because I wasn't sure which way you wanted to go this week. 422 00:17:34,112 --> 00:17:35,778 Aw, that's sweet. 423 00:17:35,797 --> 00:17:39,282 I'm-a smoke and chew them both for an extra nicotine surge. 424 00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,375 It's what carnies call "The Surf and Turf." 425 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,709 Well, that doesn't make much sense, 426 00:17:42,878 --> 00:17:44,287 but it sure is two things. 427 00:17:44,380 --> 00:17:47,214 Amber, we have something special. 428 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,125 I want us to grow mold together. 429 00:17:49,143 --> 00:17:51,218 Aw, me, too. 430 00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,296 And I'd love to take you back, Brian, 431 00:17:53,389 --> 00:17:54,647 but if we're a couple, that means 432 00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:56,908 you'd have to be willing to come on the road 433 00:17:57,059 --> 00:17:59,135 and work the carnival with me. 434 00:17:59,304 --> 00:18:01,395 I mean, that's my life. 435 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,397 Of course. I'm totally up for that. 436 00:18:03,491 --> 00:18:04,140 Really? 437 00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:06,534 Aw, that's boss! 438 00:18:06,644 --> 00:18:07,734 Let's do it! 439 00:18:07,829 --> 00:18:09,495 Okay, great, so you do take me back? 440 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,831 Well, then, as long as we're officially a couple again, 441 00:18:11,983 --> 00:18:13,316 I have something to say. 442 00:18:13,334 --> 00:18:15,484 Amber, if you think for one second-- 443 00:18:15,486 --> 00:18:19,672 Oh, my gosh, Uncle Earl, you got to meet my new boyfriend Brian. 444 00:18:19,841 --> 00:18:21,324 Good to meet you, Brian. 445 00:18:21,417 --> 00:18:23,601 But don't you break her heart, you hear? 446 00:18:23,828 --> 00:18:25,269 Last guy who treated her wrong 447 00:18:25,421 --> 00:18:27,271 had his scrotum nail-clippered off, 448 00:18:27,498 --> 00:18:29,941 then got kicked to death behind a Chick-fil-A. 449 00:18:30,168 --> 00:18:32,777 I assure you, my intentions are strictly honorable. 450 00:18:32,928 --> 00:18:34,353 Okay, then. 451 00:18:34,505 --> 00:18:38,157 I'm just telling you this as her uncle and her ex-boyfriend. 452 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,681 Check it out, Chris. 453 00:18:45,850 --> 00:18:48,275 Your mom tries to turn us against each other? 454 00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,369 Well, this ought to teach her a thing or two. 455 00:18:50,446 --> 00:18:52,872 Your plan is to drop a piano on Mom? 456 00:18:53,024 --> 00:18:53,873 No, not at all. 457 00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,116 See, your mother loves this piano, 458 00:18:56,210 --> 00:18:57,969 and by stringing it up in the air like this, 459 00:18:58,196 --> 00:18:59,971 she'll never be able to touch it again. 460 00:19:00,122 --> 00:19:01,472 That's genius. 461 00:19:01,699 --> 00:19:04,367 My plan was just to suggest something to you halfheartedly 462 00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:06,385 and then immediately back down like a beta. 463 00:19:06,554 --> 00:19:07,887 I think we should go with my plan. 464 00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:09,814 No, yeah, your-your plan is better. 465 00:19:09,965 --> 00:19:12,208 Oh, hey, you two. What's all this? 466 00:19:12,301 --> 00:19:13,484 Don't play dumb, Mom. 467 00:19:13,711 --> 00:19:15,802 Chris and I see you're trying to push us apart. 468 00:19:15,897 --> 00:19:18,063 Yeah, we're your husband and your son 469 00:19:18,216 --> 00:19:20,383 and we were actually getting to know each other, 470 00:19:20,476 --> 00:19:24,662 but it seems like some part of you wanted that to fail. 471 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,890 Oh, you guys, I am so sorry. 472 00:19:27,909 --> 00:19:29,558 You're right. 473 00:19:29,652 --> 00:19:31,669 I guess, at first, I felt bad you were making fun of me, 474 00:19:31,896 --> 00:19:34,321 and then later I resented that you'd removed me entirely 475 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,899 from any family decision-making. 476 00:19:36,992 --> 00:19:38,843 But what I did was awful. 477 00:19:38,994 --> 00:19:41,470 I genuinely hope you can forgive me. 478 00:19:44,592 --> 00:19:48,577 Honestly, Lois, I'm not certain I will be able to excuse this. 479 00:19:48,596 --> 00:19:52,081 But I pray that, with time, healing may come. 480 00:19:52,099 --> 00:19:55,676 What? You do something crazy basically once a week 481 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,344 and I always forgive you. 482 00:19:57,363 --> 00:20:00,573 Fine. Get a Mark Davis haircut and we'll call it even. 483 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,367 I hate you for this, Peter. 484 00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:04,610 I know. 485 00:20:04,762 --> 00:20:07,246 Now let's go upstairs and have idiot sex. 486 00:20:12,695 --> 00:20:14,103 Well, these last few days-- 487 00:20:14,196 --> 00:20:16,288 -(piano crashing) -Ahh! Son of a bitch! 488 00:20:16,365 --> 00:20:17,957 Dad never took the piano down. 489 00:20:18,109 --> 00:20:20,459 I think it just fell on Brian. 490 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:23,279 He has had a bad week. 491 00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:26,039 (sighs) Anyway, like I was saying, 492 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:28,208 these last few days have been quite an adventure, 493 00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:30,895 but I'm just happy that everything is back to normal. 494 00:20:31,046 --> 00:20:33,456 Yes. And now I must away to the sea, 495 00:20:33,549 --> 00:20:36,567 and hunt down the orca that killed my Pappy. 496 00:20:36,794 --> 00:20:38,294 Be careful, my love, 497 00:20:38,312 --> 00:20:41,722 for no one truly knows the secrets of the inky deep. 498 00:20:41,799 --> 00:20:43,966 Fare thee well, my love. 499 00:20:43,985 --> 00:20:49,580 ♪ I'm sailing away... ♪ 500 00:20:49,807 --> 00:20:53,826 SEAMUS: As "Come Sail Away" by Styx begins to play, 501 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,661 Peter heads off to the harbor, 502 00:20:55,813 --> 00:20:57,571 and we fade out. 503 00:20:57,665 --> 00:20:59,573 Thank you, Mr. Sorkin. 504 00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:01,676 ♪ ♪ 505 00:21:06,491 --> 00:21:09,750 ♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪ 506 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:12,937 ♪ Come sail away with me, lads ♪ 507 00:21:13,164 --> 00:21:16,089 ♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪ 508 00:21:16,183 --> 00:21:19,518 ♪ Come sail away with me ♪ 509 00:21:19,670 --> 00:21:22,947 ♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪ 510 00:21:23,098 --> 00:21:26,117 ♪ Come sail away with me, babe ♪ 511 00:21:26,344 --> 00:21:27,693 ♪ Come sail away ♪ 512 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,662 ♪ Come sail away, come... ♪