1 00:00:01,151 --> 00:00:04,728 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,747 --> 00:00:07,822 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,916 --> 00:00:11,752 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:14,329 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,406 --> 00:00:18,017 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,168 --> 00:00:21,336 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,022 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,173 --> 00:00:25,507 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:30,237 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:31,090 --> 00:00:33,032 ♪ ♪ 11 00:00:34,093 --> 00:00:37,202 ANNOUNCER: We now return to Lassie, starring Vin Diesel. 12 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,945 What is it, Lassie? 13 00:00:39,098 --> 00:00:41,206 (Vin Diesel mumbling) 14 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,267 There's a fire down at the old church? 15 00:00:43,435 --> 00:00:45,102 (mumbling) 16 00:00:45,271 --> 00:00:47,713 And The Rock won't return your texts or phone calls? 17 00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:50,198 (mumbling) 18 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,942 He totally blew you off backstage 19 00:00:52,035 --> 00:00:53,293 at the Kids' Choice Awards? 20 00:00:53,370 --> 00:00:55,112 Was he hosting or just presenting? 21 00:00:55,205 --> 00:00:57,389 -(mumbling) -Oh, well, that's why. 22 00:00:57,541 --> 00:01:01,393 Hey, fellas, three more beers and a Johnnie Wheeler? 23 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,454 Yep. 24 00:01:04,473 --> 00:01:07,140 Man, I love drinking on a Saturday morning. 25 00:01:07,293 --> 00:01:09,810 Thank God I figured out how to sneak out of my house. 26 00:01:09,962 --> 00:01:11,386 Has anyone seen your father? 27 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,463 I swear he was just here a minute ago. 28 00:01:13,482 --> 00:01:14,889 (bell dings) 29 00:01:14,983 --> 00:01:16,575 (sizzling) 30 00:01:17,636 --> 00:01:19,469 -Hi, Dad. -I'm a waffle. 31 00:01:19,488 --> 00:01:21,413 Peter, you're not going to The Clam, are you? 32 00:01:21,565 --> 00:01:22,564 PETER: Waffle! 33 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,083 Now prepare yourselves 34 00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:26,810 'cause the sun is never brighter than when you're day-drinking. 35 00:01:26,829 --> 00:01:28,736 Oh, I think I can handle... 36 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:29,830 ALL: Aah! 37 00:01:29,998 --> 00:01:32,299 I'm sorry for reading people's mail. 38 00:01:34,153 --> 00:01:36,578 Look, one of them scooters you see everywhere 39 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,079 what runs by a app. 40 00:01:38,173 --> 00:01:43,102 Boy, if this is what we get, imagine what the military has. 41 00:01:43,253 --> 00:01:44,177 What? 42 00:01:44,330 --> 00:01:45,771 It's a perfectly reasonable comment. 43 00:01:45,922 --> 00:01:49,015 You know, the military had the Internet way before we did. 44 00:01:49,168 --> 00:01:51,852 GPS, drones, you name it. Look around, guys. 45 00:01:52,004 --> 00:01:54,596 It's an amazing time to be alive. 46 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,673 ♪ ♪ 47 00:01:56,766 --> 00:01:59,785 ♪ Wonders ♪ 48 00:01:59,936 --> 00:02:04,514 ♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪ 49 00:02:05,442 --> 00:02:10,945 ♪ That phone in your pocket could power a rocket ♪ 50 00:02:11,039 --> 00:02:16,376 ♪ But what does the military have? ♪ 51 00:02:16,528 --> 00:02:18,470 Joe's song made me kind of want to try it. 52 00:02:18,622 --> 00:02:21,698 All right, now to scan this simple code 53 00:02:21,867 --> 00:02:24,701 like every middle-aged white guy. 54 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,981 It's not... I can't... I'm doing exactly what it said. 55 00:02:29,057 --> 00:02:31,391 I-I... Do I take a picture, or...? 56 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:34,135 Is there an actual person I can talk to? 57 00:02:34,155 --> 00:02:35,395 -'Cause it's not working. -(scooter beeps) 58 00:02:35,547 --> 00:02:37,305 Oh, okay. No, wait, now it's doing something. 59 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:40,159 -(chuckles) Computers, am I right? -No, you're not. 60 00:02:41,904 --> 00:02:44,329 -"Push off." -(strained) You're choking me. 61 00:02:44,556 --> 00:02:45,831 (whooping) 62 00:02:46,058 --> 00:02:50,294 ♪ Holiday road ♪ 63 00:02:51,154 --> 00:02:55,465 ♪ Holiday road ♪ 64 00:02:56,251 --> 00:03:00,070 ♪ Holiday road. ♪ 65 00:03:00,088 --> 00:03:02,255 Peter, where are we going? 66 00:03:02,408 --> 00:03:04,165 PETER: Relax. It's our nation's capital. 67 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,258 I'm just a fan of history. 68 00:03:05,411 --> 00:03:07,853 Peter, what are you up to? 69 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,096 What? I just love our government. 70 00:03:10,249 --> 00:03:12,107 Or at least I used to. 71 00:03:14,753 --> 00:03:16,028 Hey, Cleveland, wake up. 72 00:03:16,179 --> 00:03:17,604 No, don't wake him. Don't wake him. 73 00:03:17,756 --> 00:03:19,272 I don't think he wants to be reminded. 74 00:03:19,425 --> 00:03:21,617 (The Cleveland Show theme song plays) 75 00:03:24,279 --> 00:03:26,705 All those in favor of a giant key ring 76 00:03:26,932 --> 00:03:29,433 for our jail cell, say "aye." 77 00:03:29,451 --> 00:03:31,601 Mayor West, four citizens have gone missing. 78 00:03:31,695 --> 00:03:34,104 They were last seen heading south on a Bird scooter. 79 00:03:34,197 --> 00:03:35,956 Saddle my horse. 80 00:03:36,108 --> 00:03:38,533 ♪ ♪ 81 00:03:39,703 --> 00:03:43,055 As mayor, I reckon it's my duty to round up the strays 82 00:03:43,206 --> 00:03:44,723 and bring 'em back to safety. 83 00:03:44,874 --> 00:03:47,226 -He-yaw! -(clears throat) 84 00:03:47,377 --> 00:03:50,637 -Oops, sorry. They-yaw! -(neighs) 85 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,472 -Thank you. -(cheering) 86 00:03:52,641 --> 00:03:57,677 ♪ Holiday road ♪ 87 00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:01,631 ♪ Holiday road. ♪ 88 00:04:01,766 --> 00:04:03,483 All right, I've been driving for 18 hours. 89 00:04:03,635 --> 00:04:05,151 Someone else take the wheel-- aah! 90 00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,246 -Loose opioid! -(wheels screeching) 91 00:04:07,397 --> 00:04:08,488 (all shout) 92 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,540 ♪ ♪ 93 00:04:11,827 --> 00:04:14,002 Oh, crap. A alligator. 94 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:18,906 Oh, hey. Would you consider not eating us? 95 00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,167 Uh... yeah. Maybe. 96 00:04:21,244 --> 00:04:24,245 -Oh, thank God. -I think "maybe" means "no." 97 00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:26,823 He's just being polite. He's gonna eat us. 98 00:04:26,842 --> 00:04:28,267 (growls) 99 00:04:28,494 --> 00:04:29,434 (all shout) 100 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,604 (groans) 101 00:04:32,831 --> 00:04:34,106 (all cheering) 102 00:04:34,257 --> 00:04:35,590 WEST: Well, look at that, 103 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:38,926 six summers at Lasso Camp finally paid off. 104 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,687 That's where you learned to use the ropes? 105 00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:43,023 No, it was Ted Lasso Camp. 106 00:04:43,175 --> 00:04:45,117 That's where I learned to be nice funny. 107 00:04:45,344 --> 00:04:48,178 Sometimes comedy is building people up. 108 00:04:48,196 --> 00:04:50,697 I know, I know. It's hard to change. 109 00:04:50,849 --> 00:04:53,000 ♪ ♪ 110 00:04:54,036 --> 00:04:56,211 (crowd cheering) 111 00:04:57,539 --> 00:05:01,133 Yep, we're back from space, everyone. We did it. 112 00:05:01,209 --> 00:05:03,393 They know you weren't in space, Peter. 113 00:05:03,453 --> 00:05:05,953 There are social media posts of you crying 114 00:05:06,048 --> 00:05:07,864 'cause you couldn't stop a scooter. 115 00:05:07,957 --> 00:05:09,308 But we're still glad you're home. 116 00:05:10,293 --> 00:05:13,795 Boy, Mayor West is a hero, always saving the day. 117 00:05:13,889 --> 00:05:15,463 One day, I want to be mayor. 118 00:05:15,557 --> 00:05:17,374 Well, Stewie, it's a noble aspiration. 119 00:05:17,392 --> 00:05:19,467 A good start would be learning about politics 120 00:05:19,561 --> 00:05:22,062 -and getting involved at school. -Eh, I suppose so. 121 00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:24,898 DOUG: A vote for Doug is a vote for progress. 122 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,900 Oh, hey, Stewie. 123 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,736 I had no idea I'd run into the town square 124 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,312 in the Town Square. 125 00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:33,648 Are you gonna go down the hot metal slide 126 00:05:33,742 --> 00:05:35,075 in shorts again? 127 00:05:35,243 --> 00:05:38,837 Yes, Doug, I made a mistake. That's how you learn things. 128 00:05:39,064 --> 00:05:40,339 What are those flyers for? 129 00:05:40,566 --> 00:05:42,749 I'm running for preschool snack captain. 130 00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:44,417 Throwing my diaper into the ring. 131 00:05:44,570 --> 00:05:46,736 All the snack captain does is wear a paper hat 132 00:05:46,755 --> 00:05:49,014 while the teacher passes out Goldfish crackers. 133 00:05:49,165 --> 00:05:51,074 Sure, but you know what they say. 134 00:05:51,093 --> 00:05:54,353 "Today, snack captain, tomorrow, mayor." 135 00:05:54,504 --> 00:05:57,080 -Mayor? -This is just a formality. 136 00:05:57,173 --> 00:05:59,006 My opponent Noah got foot-in-mouth disease, 137 00:05:59,101 --> 00:06:00,917 so I'm running unopposed. 138 00:06:00,936 --> 00:06:03,678 I'd really have to put my foot in my mouth to lose. 139 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:07,032 FUAD: Ho-ho. Is funny because wordplay. 140 00:06:07,259 --> 00:06:10,351 Huh, I guess Fuad still lives in Quahog. 141 00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:14,280 Brian, Stewie Griffin is now running for snack captain. 142 00:06:14,357 --> 00:06:16,541 And I will defeat that jerk Doug. 143 00:06:16,768 --> 00:06:20,212 Well, we got our fellas back, and I reached my steps today. 144 00:06:20,363 --> 00:06:22,439 -What's that? -Oh, it's a watch that tracks 145 00:06:22,457 --> 00:06:24,716 the number of steps I take each day. 146 00:06:24,868 --> 00:06:26,276 Wow. 147 00:06:26,294 --> 00:06:28,628 ♪ ♪ 148 00:06:28,780 --> 00:06:31,223 ♪ Wonders ♪ 149 00:06:31,450 --> 00:06:37,044 ♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪ 150 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,623 ♪ Look around and be amazed ♪ 151 00:06:39,625 --> 00:06:44,903 ♪ That pad on your lap could buy a shirt at the Gap ♪ 152 00:06:45,054 --> 00:06:49,658 ♪ But what does the military have? ♪ 153 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,246 He was asking too many questions. 154 00:07:00,069 --> 00:07:01,494 All right. Listen, Rupert. 155 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,089 I'm running for snack captain, and our lives are going to be 156 00:07:04,316 --> 00:07:06,833 under the microscope more than they ever have before. 157 00:07:06,910 --> 00:07:10,320 So all I'm gonna say is, I just want to applaud you again 158 00:07:10,338 --> 00:07:13,006 on your commitment to sobriety. 159 00:07:13,082 --> 00:07:14,824 What do you mean "wine doesn't count"? 160 00:07:14,918 --> 00:07:16,342 Yes, rosé is wine. 161 00:07:16,495 --> 00:07:17,602 And I don't want to hear the term 162 00:07:17,679 --> 00:07:19,938 "California sober" come out of your mouth. 163 00:07:20,165 --> 00:07:21,498 Hey, Stewie. 164 00:07:21,516 --> 00:07:23,366 Brian, I want you to be my campaign manager. 165 00:07:23,426 --> 00:07:24,943 Really? What do I have to do? 166 00:07:25,094 --> 00:07:27,170 You'll be in charge of setting up my war room 167 00:07:27,189 --> 00:07:29,764 -and situation room and sex room. -Sex room? 168 00:07:29,858 --> 00:07:32,451 (quietly): Shh, I can't let Mr. Dramatic over there know. 169 00:07:32,602 --> 00:07:34,286 I don't know. This is already weird. 170 00:07:34,362 --> 00:07:36,103 Please, Brian. I need this. 171 00:07:36,198 --> 00:07:38,123 I need this the way a shoe salesman needs 172 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,941 that foot-measuring device. 173 00:07:40,035 --> 00:07:42,294 I can say with absolute scientific certainty 174 00:07:42,445 --> 00:07:43,945 that you're a 10 1/2. 175 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:47,949 Now let me get you some shoes that still may or may not fit. 176 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,551 ♪ ♪ 177 00:07:53,198 --> 00:07:55,198 Hey, Stewie, a little birdie told me 178 00:07:55,217 --> 00:07:58,477 you've thrown your hat into the snack captain ring. 179 00:07:58,628 --> 00:08:00,537 Actually it was a tweet. 180 00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:02,388 (chuckling) 181 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:07,152 I just want to say I hope we can have a fair campaign 182 00:08:07,379 --> 00:08:10,989 and forget any past tension between us. 183 00:08:11,140 --> 00:08:13,550 Consider them forgotten, like La La Land, 184 00:08:13,568 --> 00:08:15,235 the most celebrated movie ever made 185 00:08:15,311 --> 00:08:18,497 that suddenly no one remembers, mentions, or cares about. 186 00:08:20,726 --> 00:08:23,226 (kids laughing) 187 00:08:23,228 --> 00:08:25,170 -Oh, he nailed you. -I'm voting for Doug. 188 00:08:25,321 --> 00:08:27,154 I'm too young to deliver a joke. 189 00:08:27,249 --> 00:08:29,082 Well, looks like the gloves are off. 190 00:08:29,234 --> 00:08:31,234 But I've taken on bigger challenges. 191 00:08:31,327 --> 00:08:33,512 Like playing a game of Paul Simon Says. 192 00:08:33,739 --> 00:08:35,739 Paul Simon says Art Garfunkel is a loser. 193 00:08:35,832 --> 00:08:38,666 Oh, come on, Paul. It's been 40 years. Let it go. 194 00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,334 Paul Simon says I wrote all the songs. 195 00:08:40,428 --> 00:08:42,554 We know that. No one is denying you credit. 196 00:08:42,630 --> 00:08:45,006 Paul Simon says five-two is the cutoff for being really short, 197 00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,341 -not five-three. -You know what? I'm bored. 198 00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:49,085 I'm gonna play Simon Cowell Says. 199 00:08:49,178 --> 00:08:52,531 Simon Cowell says men should wear low V-necks 200 00:08:52,758 --> 00:08:56,535 -and have breasts. -Thank you for One Direction. 201 00:08:56,762 --> 00:08:58,328 ♪ ♪ 202 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:04,100 -(keyboards clacking) -(indistinct chatter) 203 00:09:04,119 --> 00:09:08,213 Stewie, our polls show that your classmates see you as aloof. 204 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,774 We need a photo op of you kissing a baby. 205 00:09:10,792 --> 00:09:12,125 All right, well, make it a BOC. 206 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,627 -A what? -A baby of color. 207 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,112 Stewie, what's going on? 208 00:09:16,205 --> 00:09:17,447 I thought I was your campaign manager. 209 00:09:17,465 --> 00:09:20,041 I want you and Chris to compete for my favor. 210 00:09:20,135 --> 00:09:21,801 I will reward absolute loyalty, 211 00:09:21,953 --> 00:09:23,544 even if you have to go to prison for it. 212 00:09:23,622 --> 00:09:25,880 -And who are all these people? -College Republicans. 213 00:09:25,974 --> 00:09:27,307 When they're not on Barstool 214 00:09:27,475 --> 00:09:30,460 or wearing boat shoes nowhere near a boat, they're here. 215 00:09:30,478 --> 00:09:32,070 I've also scheduled a whistle-stop tour 216 00:09:32,297 --> 00:09:33,220 of the playground. 217 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,555 You need to reach the seesaw kids, 218 00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:37,300 the slide kids, and spend time with the jungle gym kids 219 00:09:37,319 --> 00:09:38,726 so they know they have your support. 220 00:09:38,895 --> 00:09:40,394 Ugh, okay, but bring the Purell. 221 00:09:40,488 --> 00:09:44,065 I'll make a speech even greater than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy. 222 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,475 KEN HARRELSON: He gone! 223 00:09:45,644 --> 00:09:48,420 -(applause and cheering) -(air horns blowing) 224 00:09:48,571 --> 00:09:51,089 ♪ ♪ 225 00:09:55,487 --> 00:09:57,837 CHRIS: Stewie, this debate is make-or-break. 226 00:09:57,989 --> 00:09:59,264 I've been working on a strong opening. 227 00:09:59,491 --> 00:10:01,324 Take control early, get 'em on your side, 228 00:10:01,343 --> 00:10:02,842 and it's easier to keep them there. 229 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,543 Stewie, would you like to begin? 230 00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:05,252 Thank you. 231 00:10:05,347 --> 00:10:06,438 My friends, 232 00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,332 this election is about the future of snack time. 233 00:10:09,351 --> 00:10:12,944 I disagree. This election is about you. 234 00:10:13,096 --> 00:10:14,428 (cheering) 235 00:10:14,522 --> 00:10:17,264 CHRIS: Who is this guy? I love him. 236 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,693 And may I call your attention to my opponent's actions 237 00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,787 during the attack on The Capitol? 238 00:10:22,939 --> 00:10:25,606 Here is Stewie waving to supporters 239 00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,959 safely behind barricades. 240 00:10:28,036 --> 00:10:30,444 And here he is with Josh Hawley, 241 00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:33,423 fleeing the riot they helped stoke. 242 00:10:39,789 --> 00:10:41,306 (laughing) 243 00:10:41,416 --> 00:10:43,716 Wow, what a little bitch. 244 00:10:43,869 --> 00:10:46,019 (laughing) 245 00:10:46,963 --> 00:10:48,037 Uh-oh. 246 00:10:48,131 --> 00:10:49,814 Doug... are you okay? 247 00:10:49,966 --> 00:10:51,908 (grunting) 248 00:10:51,910 --> 00:10:55,636 My God, is Doug... pooping his pants? 249 00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:56,637 (farts) 250 00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:58,214 ALL: Ew! 251 00:10:58,216 --> 00:10:59,473 What a godsend. 252 00:10:59,642 --> 00:11:02,902 We'll call him Poopy-Doopy Doug. He'll never shake it. 253 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,146 He surged in the polls? 254 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,666 It humanized him, made him more relatable. 255 00:11:07,817 --> 00:11:09,668 Well, two can play at that game. 256 00:11:09,819 --> 00:11:11,961 (grunting) 257 00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:18,359 Global events conspired to push us off the front page. 258 00:11:18,361 --> 00:11:20,178 ♪ ♪ 259 00:11:21,164 --> 00:11:25,074 Chris, the election's tomorrow. It's do-or-die time. 260 00:11:25,126 --> 00:11:27,519 What the hell? You work for Doug now? 261 00:11:27,670 --> 00:11:30,337 I'm sorry, Stewie. Your campaign is a sinking ship. 262 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,582 I need a winner. I'm a professional. 263 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,418 You'd abandon your brother like that? 264 00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:40,514 Sorry, but that's the way things go on The Hill. 265 00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,992 ♪ ♪ 266 00:11:48,024 --> 00:11:50,600 What? Is that-- is that a thing? 267 00:11:50,618 --> 00:11:53,119 No. What you just saw was a sizzle reel 268 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,272 that cost me $75,000 of my own money. 269 00:11:56,365 --> 00:11:58,458 Friends told me not to use my own money. 270 00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:01,702 (chuckles) "What do they know?" I told myself at the time. 271 00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,205 The network decided not to move forward with it. 272 00:12:04,299 --> 00:12:06,207 But they said they still love 273 00:12:06,301 --> 00:12:08,634 being in the Chris Griffin business. 274 00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,954 ♪ ♪ 275 00:12:10,972 --> 00:12:14,715 Brian, you're a loyal dog, and you've got a belly rub coming. 276 00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:16,383 Maybe something a little more. 277 00:12:16,478 --> 00:12:18,695 But first we've got to find dirt on Doug. 278 00:12:20,389 --> 00:12:21,814 All right, there's his campaign headquarters. 279 00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:25,134 You stand lookout, and I'll sneak inside looking for dirt. 280 00:12:25,153 --> 00:12:27,228 Stay focused. Don't lick your balls. 281 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:30,290 God. Wasn't gonna lick my balls. 282 00:12:31,826 --> 00:12:33,960 ♪ ♪ 283 00:12:43,171 --> 00:12:45,913 My God, Doug's got a file on me. 284 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:48,658 "Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses." 285 00:12:48,676 --> 00:12:50,584 "Shapes"? How dare he? 286 00:12:50,678 --> 00:12:54,013 And to think I let him into my innermost rhombus of trust. 287 00:12:54,165 --> 00:12:56,608 It's hard to rectangle this with the Doug I knew. 288 00:12:56,759 --> 00:12:57,942 (phone chimes) 289 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:01,170 Okay, the Internet is not enjoying the shape jokes. 290 00:13:01,189 --> 00:13:03,597 Wait, what do we have here? 291 00:13:03,766 --> 00:13:05,933 Doug still uses a pacifier? 292 00:13:06,027 --> 00:13:08,161 Oh, wait till the papers hear about this. 293 00:13:10,273 --> 00:13:13,683 Damn it, get your act together down there, you kooks. 294 00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:15,535 ♪ ♪ 295 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:19,188 And that, my fellow classmates, is how I discovered 296 00:13:19,357 --> 00:13:21,966 that Courteney Cox bleaches her starfish. 297 00:13:22,118 --> 00:13:23,468 Anyway, got off on a tangent there, 298 00:13:23,545 --> 00:13:25,528 but more germane to this election, 299 00:13:25,547 --> 00:13:29,532 I have discovered that my opponent still uses this! 300 00:13:29,551 --> 00:13:30,366 (gasping) 301 00:13:30,385 --> 00:13:31,534 Are you willing to vote 302 00:13:31,553 --> 00:13:34,312 for a representative who literally sucks? 303 00:13:34,539 --> 00:13:35,872 I think not. 304 00:13:35,965 --> 00:13:38,132 Stewie Griffin for snack captain. 305 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,559 Thank you, Stewie. 306 00:13:39,711 --> 00:13:41,152 Doug, final remarks? 307 00:13:41,229 --> 00:13:43,137 Ladies and gentlemen of the preschool, 308 00:13:43,231 --> 00:13:46,549 we all know Stewie has a brother and a sister. 309 00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:50,903 Have you ever wondered why they are so much older than Stewie? 310 00:13:51,056 --> 00:13:51,996 Where is this going? 311 00:13:52,223 --> 00:13:54,833 Well, I have, and I did some research. 312 00:13:55,060 --> 00:13:57,243 What I found confirms the dark secret 313 00:13:57,395 --> 00:13:59,838 that I already suspected... 314 00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:02,565 Stewie Griffin was a "whoops baby." 315 00:14:02,584 --> 00:14:04,658 What the devil are you talking about? 316 00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,903 Stewie Griffin was a mistake! 317 00:14:06,996 --> 00:14:07,846 (gasping) 318 00:14:08,073 --> 00:14:09,572 -Oh, my God. -A mistake? 319 00:14:09,665 --> 00:14:11,757 He's a big fat phony. 320 00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,576 Okay, I think I know whose kid that is. 321 00:14:13,595 --> 00:14:16,837 That's impossible. How could you know that? 322 00:14:16,931 --> 00:14:20,917 Oh, I had a very reliable source. 323 00:14:20,935 --> 00:14:23,010 Tell me what you know. 324 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,770 MEG'S VOICE: Stewie's a mistake. 325 00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:27,014 How do you know this? 326 00:14:27,108 --> 00:14:30,076 Because I'm his brother. 327 00:14:36,951 --> 00:14:38,042 (exclaims) 328 00:14:38,194 --> 00:14:39,285 Hey, Stewie. What's wrong? 329 00:14:39,437 --> 00:14:41,104 In an effort to win the election, 330 00:14:41,122 --> 00:14:42,714 Doug has stooped to the most preposterous 331 00:14:42,790 --> 00:14:44,198 of lies and mudslinging. 332 00:14:44,292 --> 00:14:47,385 He claims I was a whoops baby. A mistake. 333 00:14:47,536 --> 00:14:49,870 Well, if you think about it, it, it is possible. 334 00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:51,538 No, it's not. That's absurd. 335 00:14:51,633 --> 00:14:53,616 To be honest, I've wondered the same thing. 336 00:14:53,709 --> 00:14:55,393 You are much younger than Chris and Meg. 337 00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:58,045 Lois and Peter had two children back-to-back, 338 00:14:58,139 --> 00:15:00,231 a boy and a girl, one of each, and then stopped. 339 00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:02,141 And those two were already a stretch 340 00:15:02,293 --> 00:15:03,459 for Peter's meager salary. 341 00:15:03,628 --> 00:15:05,128 I mean, don't you think it's a little odd 342 00:15:05,146 --> 00:15:07,238 that their plan would include waiting 14 years, 343 00:15:07,390 --> 00:15:09,056 until Lois was in her 40s-- 344 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,983 not exactly prime reproductive years-- 345 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,577 to have their third child? 346 00:15:12,804 --> 00:15:14,078 I-I'm not saying it's true, 347 00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:16,998 but if you do the math, it kind of makes sense. 348 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:22,161 My God, everything about this is terrible. 349 00:15:22,313 --> 00:15:23,646 Why do you think Peter keeps leaving you 350 00:15:23,665 --> 00:15:24,905 on the fire station steps? 351 00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:27,166 Most things about this are terrible. 352 00:15:27,318 --> 00:15:30,002 Come on, little guy, time to go to the fire station. 353 00:15:30,155 --> 00:15:31,596 Let me just fix my face. 354 00:15:33,249 --> 00:15:35,433 All right, let's go. 355 00:15:35,510 --> 00:15:38,010 ♪ ♪ 356 00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:40,680 I can't believe they never bothered to tell me 357 00:15:40,832 --> 00:15:42,106 I was a mistake. 358 00:15:42,258 --> 00:15:43,274 Well, I'll get my revenge 359 00:15:43,501 --> 00:15:46,169 by using the one trump card every baby has. 360 00:15:46,187 --> 00:15:49,005 I'll refuse to put on my shoes. 361 00:15:49,023 --> 00:15:51,841 Stewie, let's get your shoes on. We're going out. 362 00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:54,935 Oh, oka-- Hold still, Stewie. 363 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,179 Come on, let me get your shoes on. 364 00:15:56,272 --> 00:15:58,014 Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking. 365 00:15:58,032 --> 00:16:00,183 Will you just-- Will you hold still? 366 00:16:00,351 --> 00:16:02,293 Damn it. Stop kick-- Stewie. 367 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,853 (exhales) 368 00:16:03,946 --> 00:16:06,965 Well, so much for going to the Dangly Shiny Keys Show. 369 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,192 Dangly Shiny Keys Show? 370 00:16:09,210 --> 00:16:11,194 What are we waiting for? Let's go. 371 00:16:11,212 --> 00:16:13,045 (joyful clamoring) 372 00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,864 What were you upset about earlier? 373 00:16:14,957 --> 00:16:15,974 I don't know, I don't remember. 374 00:16:16,201 --> 00:16:18,217 Me neither, but this is amazing. 375 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,144 ♪ ♪ 376 00:16:21,206 --> 00:16:22,814 What are we doing at this coffee shop, Stewie? 377 00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:25,799 This is Lois's favorite spot and I hacked their system 378 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,485 so they only accept Apple Pay. 379 00:16:27,712 --> 00:16:29,654 She's gonna have no clue what to do. 380 00:16:31,049 --> 00:16:33,883 I'm sorry, we only take Apple Pay. 381 00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:36,310 Oh, wha...? I-Is that on my computer? 382 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,329 Yeah, and if you don't have it, 383 00:16:38,481 --> 00:16:40,239 we're gonna have to take the coffee back. 384 00:16:40,391 --> 00:16:41,833 SHAWN MENDES: You'll do no such thing. 385 00:16:41,984 --> 00:16:44,335 Shawn Mendes?! 386 00:16:44,487 --> 00:16:46,838 That's right. Wherever a suburban mom is having trouble 387 00:16:47,065 --> 00:16:48,673 with a phone thing, I'll be there. 388 00:16:48,824 --> 00:16:50,425 Give me your phone. 389 00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:53,252 -(phone chimes) -Here's your coffee. 390 00:16:53,329 --> 00:16:55,404 WOMAN: What do you mean the menu's online? 391 00:16:55,465 --> 00:16:57,181 I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere. 392 00:16:57,333 --> 00:17:00,184 SINGERS: ♪ Shawn Mendes. ♪ 393 00:17:00,411 --> 00:17:02,912 ♪ ♪ 394 00:17:02,930 --> 00:17:05,264 All right, time for a little payback. 395 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,693 Let's see how the fat man feels about having a mistake baby 396 00:17:08,844 --> 00:17:10,770 when he has to listen to that same child blast 397 00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,605 rebellious rock and roll. 398 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,181 -♪ Sugar... ♪ -("Sugar Sugar" by The Archies playing) 399 00:17:14,275 --> 00:17:16,776 Ha! How do you like that, old man? 400 00:17:16,928 --> 00:17:19,019 If it's too loud, you're too old! 401 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,688 Hey, what's going on down here? I love this song. 402 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:24,267 No. No, you're supposed to be mad about this. 403 00:17:24,285 --> 00:17:25,877 I do have an issue with the volume, though. 404 00:17:26,028 --> 00:17:28,938 -Oh, yeah, here we go. -It needs to be louder. 405 00:17:28,956 --> 00:17:30,197 ♪ Honey... ♪ 406 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:34,110 Hey, we heard The Archies, so we brought punch. 407 00:17:34,128 --> 00:17:35,444 What? No. No. 408 00:17:35,463 --> 00:17:37,388 This is supposed to be making you furious. 409 00:17:37,540 --> 00:17:41,059 Oh, God, this music is making me lose it. 410 00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:42,876 Should we order two cheese pizzas? 411 00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:44,378 -Uh, yeah. -I'm in. 412 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,880 Hey, Quagmire, Betty or Veronica? 413 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,140 Both. 414 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,217 -♪ Oh, Quagmire ♪ -♪ Oh, sugar ♪ 415 00:17:51,629 --> 00:17:54,739 -♪ Who else but Quagmire? ♪ -♪ Oh, honey, honey. ♪ 416 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,468 -Hey, Stewie. -What do you want? 417 00:17:59,562 --> 00:18:02,972 Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever broke this whoops baby story 418 00:18:03,065 --> 00:18:04,140 to sink your campaign 419 00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:06,626 never intended you to take it personally. 420 00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,129 There's something I think you should see. 421 00:18:14,502 --> 00:18:17,169 What? You've got a secret weapons room? 422 00:18:17,322 --> 00:18:19,847 Not exactly. It's a porn room. 423 00:18:21,159 --> 00:18:23,676 These are impressively organized and cataloged. 424 00:18:23,828 --> 00:18:26,587 People in the community like things well-labeled, 425 00:18:26,681 --> 00:18:28,922 so I developed the Spewey Decimal System. 426 00:18:29,016 --> 00:18:30,591 I don't want to sound like a square, 427 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,001 but if you put this level of effort 428 00:18:32,019 --> 00:18:34,019 into your schoolwork, you could really soar. 429 00:18:34,172 --> 00:18:34,946 See that? 430 00:18:35,173 --> 00:18:36,948 That's a mint condition 1983 431 00:18:37,099 --> 00:18:39,175 Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn sex tape. 432 00:18:39,344 --> 00:18:43,012 Never been opened. Market value of $150K. 433 00:18:43,030 --> 00:18:43,955 Well, if it's never been opened, 434 00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,514 how do you know it's the real thing? 435 00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:47,032 Oh, it's the real thing. 436 00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:48,868 People in the community trust each other. 437 00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,686 Stop saying "people in the community." 438 00:18:50,705 --> 00:18:52,538 I prefer not to picture that community. 439 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:56,342 Anyway, there's one I think you might be interested in. 440 00:18:58,655 --> 00:19:02,198 This is dated exactly nine months before I was born. 441 00:19:02,291 --> 00:19:05,643 You have a whole shelf of Lois and the Fat Man's sex tapes? 442 00:19:05,794 --> 00:19:08,204 I have the camera in there on a grunt sensor. 443 00:19:08,297 --> 00:19:11,374 There's a lot of Dad just going to the bathroom. 444 00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:12,892 That's disturbing even to me, 445 00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:15,561 and I've been to an Eyes Wide Shut party. 446 00:19:15,713 --> 00:19:18,931 Sorry, sir, there's a strict 800-penis limit. 447 00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:20,049 If I let you in, 448 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,826 the fire marshal will be all over my back. 449 00:19:22,053 --> 00:19:24,069 But the fire marshal's on that guy's back. 450 00:19:24,222 --> 00:19:26,722 Yeah, but he'll get off his back and on my back. 451 00:19:26,741 --> 00:19:28,391 It's a great party. 452 00:19:28,409 --> 00:19:30,751 ♪ ♪ 453 00:19:36,158 --> 00:19:37,842 Hey, everyone, I'm Peter Griffin, 454 00:19:37,993 --> 00:19:40,419 and this is my Real World audition. 455 00:19:40,571 --> 00:19:44,015 LOIS: Peter... there's something I want to do. 456 00:19:44,242 --> 00:19:45,408 PETER: Oh, God, I know that look. 457 00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:48,077 You're ovulating. Wha-What are you doing? 458 00:19:48,095 --> 00:19:50,170 -(Lois grunts) -No. No! Aah! 459 00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,171 -(screaming) -(moaning) 460 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:53,098 (Lois grunting) 461 00:19:53,251 --> 00:19:55,342 Wow. Lois has strong thighs. 462 00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:58,345 Please, no! (groaning) 463 00:19:58,439 --> 00:20:00,031 Fine, just get it over with. 464 00:20:00,182 --> 00:20:02,274 I'm gonna be a mom again! 465 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:05,119 My existence is justified. 466 00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:09,281 CHRIS' VOICE: The old man's got quite a meat bag on him, huh? 467 00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:12,935 This... was the night I was conceived? 468 00:20:13,028 --> 00:20:14,119 (chuckles) Yep. 469 00:20:14,272 --> 00:20:15,862 That's how it happened with all of us, Stewie. 470 00:20:15,957 --> 00:20:17,882 That's why we're trash people. 471 00:20:18,109 --> 00:20:19,124 But this means... 472 00:20:19,277 --> 00:20:21,702 technically I'm only half an accident. 473 00:20:21,796 --> 00:20:23,796 -Yep. -Thanks, Chris. 474 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,114 It was me. 475 00:20:25,207 --> 00:20:27,016 I was complimenting my own meat bag. 476 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:37,068 Brian, say hello to the new snack captain. 477 00:20:37,219 --> 00:20:39,979 You actually won? Wow, congrats, Stewie. 478 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:41,964 I thought you being a mistake ruined your chances. 479 00:20:42,057 --> 00:20:43,241 How'd you pull it off? 480 00:20:43,468 --> 00:20:46,485 It turns out 70% of the kids' parents aren't married 481 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,246 and 30% are mistakes. 482 00:20:48,397 --> 00:20:49,896 Nobody gets married anymore. 483 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,474 One kid doesn't even have parents. 484 00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:54,310 He just kind of appeared. Sleeps in one of the cubbies. 485 00:20:54,328 --> 00:20:55,419 I mean, that's the story 486 00:20:55,571 --> 00:20:57,313 I would have told this week, but whatever. 487 00:20:57,406 --> 00:21:00,675 Oh, and Doug died in a commuter plane crash this morning.