1 00:00:01,318 --> 00:00:04,652 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:08,248 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,752 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,904 --> 00:00:14,013 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,164 --> 00:00:17,665 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,336 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,837 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,857 --> 00:00:24,097 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,174 --> 00:00:30,029 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:33,442 --> 00:00:35,534 Sorry I'm late. Had a family emergency 11 00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:38,779 with, um... I don't know. I want to say Chris? 12 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:40,447 Uh, I wasn't listening super close. 13 00:00:40,599 --> 00:00:42,599 Why don't you sit down and drink beer 14 00:00:42,618 --> 00:00:45,527 and tell us about it instead of being home with your family? 15 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,454 Apparently, Chris and his girlfriend broke up. 16 00:00:47,606 --> 00:00:49,956 Something about her wanting to see other people. 17 00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:52,609 So the doctor says this surgery is gonna 18 00:00:52,611 --> 00:00:53,794 restore my eyesight. 19 00:00:53,962 --> 00:00:55,703 What? Oh, no. 20 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:56,871 "Oh, no"? 21 00:00:56,965 --> 00:00:59,541 But I thought you'd be happy, Colin Farrell. 22 00:00:59,635 --> 00:01:02,043 Oi, blimey. Uh, get stuffed. 23 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:04,121 I'm-I'm gonna see other birds. 24 00:01:04,123 --> 00:01:06,473 G-Good day, mate. 25 00:01:06,625 --> 00:01:10,402 Don't look. Don't look. I think that's Colin Farrell. 26 00:01:10,554 --> 00:01:12,629 And this girl was his first love. 27 00:01:12,648 --> 00:01:14,907 Poor Chris. He was sobbing his eyes out 28 00:01:15,058 --> 00:01:16,224 when I abruptly left. 29 00:01:16,393 --> 00:01:18,560 First loves always hit the hardest. 30 00:01:18,654 --> 00:01:21,805 I'll say. I still remember my first real love. 31 00:01:21,824 --> 00:01:23,082 Seems like yesterday. 32 00:01:23,309 --> 00:01:24,975 Why, just thinking back on her makes everything 33 00:01:24,993 --> 00:01:27,477 all shimmery and distorted. 34 00:01:27,496 --> 00:01:29,313 I was working for Federal Express, 35 00:01:29,406 --> 00:01:31,090 like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. 36 00:01:31,317 --> 00:01:33,166 And just like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, 37 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:35,168 I said the words "Federal Express" 38 00:01:35,321 --> 00:01:36,653 a suspicious number of times. 39 00:01:36,822 --> 00:01:39,656 Excuse me, miss. Asking as a Federal Express employee, 40 00:01:39,675 --> 00:01:42,542 may I please get a refill of iced tea very quickly, 41 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,995 the way Federal Express delivers parcels? 42 00:01:45,013 --> 00:01:47,164 There was only one thing I loved more 43 00:01:47,182 --> 00:01:48,774 than corporate-branded content, 44 00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:51,276 and that was my fiancée, Helen Hunt. 45 00:01:51,503 --> 00:01:52,444 JOE: Hubba-hubba. 46 00:01:52,596 --> 00:01:54,004 QUAGMIRE: Darn right hubba-hubba. 47 00:01:54,097 --> 00:01:55,856 You know how most guys want their girlfriends 48 00:01:56,008 --> 00:01:57,357 to look like a pissy bird? 49 00:01:57,509 --> 00:01:59,601 Well, I was living the dream. 50 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,027 You're 17 seconds late. 51 00:02:01,180 --> 00:02:02,979 I am a Federal Express employee 52 00:02:02,981 --> 00:02:04,623 who is very obsessed with time. 53 00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,366 Well, that's my fiancé. 54 00:02:06,518 --> 00:02:09,035 Give me a kiss, you time-obsessed beardless man 55 00:02:09,188 --> 00:02:11,521 who is unable to spear a fish with a sharpened stick. 56 00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:13,114 QUAGMIRE: Remember all that stuff for later. 57 00:02:13,208 --> 00:02:16,135 Mm, oh, I can't wait to do more than kiss. 58 00:02:16,286 --> 00:02:17,861 Only three more days till the wedding. 59 00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:20,455 Yep. I've got just one last flight 60 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:23,175 across the Planecrash Sea, and then I'm all yours. 61 00:02:23,327 --> 00:02:24,810 QUAGMIRE: Little did I know. 62 00:02:24,961 --> 00:02:27,053 I'll never forget that fateful day. 63 00:02:27,206 --> 00:02:29,055 Looking back, I never should have 64 00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:30,724 tried to do two fantasy football drafts 65 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,209 while flying a plane. 66 00:02:32,227 --> 00:02:35,821 -I ended up with four defenses. -Ugh! 67 00:02:35,972 --> 00:02:37,214 AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: FE-117, 68 00:02:37,232 --> 00:02:38,882 looks like you got rough weather. 69 00:02:38,884 --> 00:02:40,325 Maybe you should just do auto-draft 70 00:02:40,552 --> 00:02:42,052 for your fantasy leagues, over. 71 00:02:42,070 --> 00:02:43,737 Uh, negative, negative, Control. 72 00:02:43,889 --> 00:02:45,480 I am heterosexual, over. 73 00:02:45,574 --> 00:02:47,908 AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Ha. There's that clean-shaven guy 74 00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:49,334 who cannot spear a fish with a stick 75 00:02:49,411 --> 00:02:51,295 that we all know and love. 76 00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:53,154 Damn it. 77 00:02:53,248 --> 00:02:55,399 Too bad I'm in an airplane and can only go 78 00:02:55,417 --> 00:02:58,084 straight into a storm and not over or around. 79 00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,345 Wait, I think the storm is breaking up. 80 00:03:00,572 --> 00:03:02,906 I was gonna make it, but then 81 00:03:02,999 --> 00:03:05,091 the plane got hit by lightning. 82 00:03:05,244 --> 00:03:06,018 Oh! 83 00:03:06,169 --> 00:03:07,502 And I somehow drafted the punter 84 00:03:07,596 --> 00:03:09,504 Jeff Feagles in the second round. 85 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,672 Oh! 86 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,108 And it was all over. 87 00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:20,532 I was all alone on an uncharted island. 88 00:03:20,684 --> 00:03:21,758 What could I do? 89 00:03:21,777 --> 00:03:23,109 Definitely not spear a fish 90 00:03:23,262 --> 00:03:24,761 with a hand-sharpened stick. 91 00:03:24,780 --> 00:03:26,872 'Cause remember, that was a complete non-starter for me. 92 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,190 If I wanted to make it back to my Helen, 93 00:03:29,284 --> 00:03:31,268 I'd need to find a way to survive. 94 00:03:31,286 --> 00:03:34,046 Luckily I had a whole plane's worth of FedEx parcels 95 00:03:34,197 --> 00:03:35,363 I could open and use. 96 00:03:35,457 --> 00:03:37,365 Oh, please be food. Please be food. 97 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:40,219 Oh, thank God, I'm saved. Peanut brittle. 98 00:03:40,370 --> 00:03:41,053 Aah! 99 00:03:41,204 --> 00:03:43,113 "From Peter Griffin." 100 00:03:43,131 --> 00:03:45,782 PETER: (laughs) Gotcha. Continue. 101 00:03:45,875 --> 00:03:49,210 QUAGMIRE: But then I opened the most important package of all. 102 00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:50,971 My only friend on the island. 103 00:03:51,123 --> 00:03:54,382 I'm gonna call you Wilson, after Rita Wilson, 104 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,960 the most beautiful and talented woman in Hollywood. 105 00:03:56,979 --> 00:03:59,571 The true first lady of American culture. 106 00:03:59,798 --> 00:04:02,466 I swear, I didn't say all that stuff just so Tom Hanks 107 00:04:02,484 --> 00:04:03,659 would let us do this movie. 108 00:04:06,805 --> 00:04:08,638 (grunts) 109 00:04:08,657 --> 00:04:09,806 Character development. 110 00:04:09,825 --> 00:04:11,157 I had been on that island 111 00:04:11,310 --> 00:04:12,325 for four years. 112 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,068 Man, I've been on this island 113 00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:16,237 for somewhere between two and seven years. 114 00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:18,924 I'm not sure which 'cause I'm no longer obsessed with time. 115 00:04:19,075 --> 00:04:20,150 That's more character development. 116 00:04:20,168 --> 00:04:22,210 Anyway, all these years later, 117 00:04:22,321 --> 00:04:24,838 I still couldn't get Helen Hunt out of my mind. 118 00:04:24,990 --> 00:04:26,673 I was going nuts thinking about her. 119 00:04:26,825 --> 00:04:28,341 Oh, Helen... 120 00:04:28,510 --> 00:04:30,994 Oh come on, get it together. Think of something else. 121 00:04:31,087 --> 00:04:33,847 Think of anything besides Helen Hunt. 122 00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:35,832 Oh, almost Helen Hunt. 123 00:04:35,851 --> 00:04:37,276 Enough was enough. 124 00:04:37,427 --> 00:04:40,279 I decided to build a raft and get back to my beloved. 125 00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:41,947 But what to make the raft out of? 126 00:04:42,098 --> 00:04:43,857 Got to be something I can use. 127 00:04:44,009 --> 00:04:45,951 What floats? What floats? 128 00:04:46,178 --> 00:04:48,662 Mm, definitely not these footballs for Tom Brady. 129 00:04:49,865 --> 00:04:51,373 Straight to the bottom. 130 00:04:57,689 --> 00:04:59,447 I wonder. 131 00:04:59,525 --> 00:05:00,690 Aah! 132 00:05:00,709 --> 00:05:03,376 PETER: (laughs) Two for two. Continue. 133 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,028 QUAGMIRE: I was able to float away 134 00:05:05,121 --> 00:05:07,697 on a raft made out of the giant joke box. 135 00:05:07,791 --> 00:05:10,976 It was me and Wilson and this one other kind of lame guy. 136 00:05:11,127 --> 00:05:12,311 Boy, you hoist a sail, 137 00:05:12,538 --> 00:05:14,813 then where did the wind go? Am I right? 138 00:05:14,964 --> 00:05:16,648 I just saw you take a dump in the ocean. 139 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,650 I'm not really looking to chat. 140 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,227 Days passed. 141 00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:22,988 Wilson and I were all alone. 142 00:05:23,215 --> 00:05:27,141 No drinking water and no food, except... 143 00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:28,643 Nope, not this time. 144 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,387 PETER: Eh, you're no fun. Continue. 145 00:05:30,389 --> 00:05:32,998 QUAGMIRE: But then disaster struck. 146 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:43,991 Aah! Aah! 147 00:05:44,127 --> 00:05:46,636 No. No! Wilson! 148 00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:49,255 Eventually I moved on 149 00:05:49,408 --> 00:05:52,425 and largely forgot about Wilson. 150 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,728 (piano playing) 151 00:06:11,096 --> 00:06:12,353 Why are you smiling, honey? 152 00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:14,664 Oh, I used to bone that volleyball. 153 00:06:18,027 --> 00:06:19,452 I don't remember much after that. 154 00:06:19,621 --> 00:06:22,881 Apparently I was picked up by some cargo ship. 155 00:06:23,108 --> 00:06:24,216 But then, wouldn't you know it, 156 00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:27,034 the ship got taken over by Somali pirates. 157 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,054 Look at me. Look at me. 158 00:06:29,281 --> 00:06:31,539 We are doing this movie now. 159 00:06:31,633 --> 00:06:33,967 QUAGMIRE: Then that Somali pirate did a bunch of stuff 160 00:06:34,119 --> 00:06:35,209 and then nothing else ever again, 161 00:06:35,303 --> 00:06:37,120 and eventually I got back home. 162 00:06:37,213 --> 00:06:39,122 After years and years away, 163 00:06:39,141 --> 00:06:42,067 it was finally time to see my Helen. 164 00:06:42,218 --> 00:06:43,960 Oh, my God, you're alive. 165 00:06:43,979 --> 00:06:46,053 I thought about you every day, Helen. 166 00:06:46,148 --> 00:06:48,298 You're the reason I stayed alive all these years. 167 00:06:48,391 --> 00:06:50,575 I never stopped loving you. 168 00:06:50,727 --> 00:06:52,560 I'm-I'm sorry. 169 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,746 I got back together with Paul Reiser. 170 00:06:54,973 --> 00:06:55,914 What? 171 00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:57,140 We did a Mad About You reboot 172 00:06:57,233 --> 00:06:58,491 on Spectrum Originals. 173 00:06:58,585 --> 00:06:59,901 QUAGMIRE: Which just sounds fake. 174 00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:01,235 I mean, did you watch any of that? 175 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,921 Do you even know anyone who... 176 00:07:03,072 --> 00:07:05,924 I-I... Like, I literally do not know one person 177 00:07:06,075 --> 00:07:07,834 who saw, like, a single minute of that. 178 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,243 I'm so sorry. 179 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,838 QUAGMIRE: I was devastated. 180 00:07:11,990 --> 00:07:14,007 Helen was my first true love-- 181 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,083 the only woman I ever wanted-- 182 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,103 and she had moved on without me. 183 00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:20,439 Fortunately, five years later, they invented 184 00:07:20,590 --> 00:07:22,441 portable pornography on telephones, 185 00:07:22,592 --> 00:07:24,401 and I've literally never thought about her since. 186 00:07:32,194 --> 00:07:36,196 Well, that was a touching tale of first love, Quagmire. 187 00:07:36,348 --> 00:07:39,015 And I googled Spectrum Originals, by the way. 188 00:07:39,108 --> 00:07:42,109 Found nothing. Zero matches. 189 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,111 Nothing on Ask Jeeves either, 190 00:07:44,189 --> 00:07:46,948 but they don't always have everything. 191 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,967 Anyway, I remember my first love. 192 00:07:49,118 --> 00:07:51,695 It's quite an interesting story. 193 00:07:51,713 --> 00:07:53,955 Okay, guess I'll be going last tonight. 194 00:07:54,032 --> 00:07:57,200 This was back in the early '60s. 195 00:07:57,293 --> 00:07:59,552 I was working at a hoity-toity camp 196 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:00,870 for rich Jewish people. 197 00:08:00,964 --> 00:08:02,055 PETER: Are you Jewish in this? 198 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,057 JOE: (laughs) No. 199 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:06,318 -I was a dance instructor. -♪ ♪ 200 00:08:06,469 --> 00:08:08,228 Anyway, this camp was highly renowned 201 00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:11,397 for offering exclusively clean dancing. 202 00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:14,234 You are the cleanest dancer I ever met. 203 00:08:14,386 --> 00:08:16,386 It's why we come here every year. 204 00:08:16,479 --> 00:08:18,479 JOE: But all the while, I was being watched 205 00:08:18,573 --> 00:08:21,482 by the prettiest girl in the camp. 206 00:08:21,576 --> 00:08:25,395 Her name was Jennifer Schnozz, and I saw her everywhere. 207 00:08:25,413 --> 00:08:28,898 Seems like she was always sniffing around someplace. 208 00:08:28,917 --> 00:08:30,400 QUAGMIRE: Okay. 209 00:08:30,493 --> 00:08:33,236 JOE: Daytimes were reserved for clean dancing, 210 00:08:33,405 --> 00:08:35,013 but at night, someone would bring 211 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,832 a very large watermelon to the staff cabin, 212 00:08:37,909 --> 00:08:39,000 and for some reason, that meant 213 00:08:39,094 --> 00:08:41,578 it was time for dirty dancing. 214 00:08:41,596 --> 00:08:43,504 (cheering) 215 00:08:43,598 --> 00:08:45,673 ♪ ♪ 216 00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,842 JOE: We had booze, sexy music, 217 00:08:47,936 --> 00:08:49,861 and because it was August by a lake, 218 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,679 lots of mosquitos. 219 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,698 (buzzing) 220 00:08:57,279 --> 00:08:59,854 My favorite partner was Dancy McGee. 221 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,040 She was the best dancer on the staff, 222 00:09:02,191 --> 00:09:04,042 as you can tell from this dance party 223 00:09:04,193 --> 00:09:06,861 where she's dancing neither better nor worse 224 00:09:06,955 --> 00:09:09,530 than anyone on the staff. 225 00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:12,108 But there Jennifer was again, 226 00:09:12,127 --> 00:09:14,535 always with her nose pressed against the glass, 227 00:09:14,629 --> 00:09:17,630 or anything else she was standing three feet away from. 228 00:09:17,783 --> 00:09:19,707 QUAGMIRE: Might be going a bit hard with the nose stuff. 229 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,285 JOE: Relax, she's fine. She got a new one. 230 00:09:22,304 --> 00:09:24,545 It was time to make my move. 231 00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:25,880 Hey, do I know you? 232 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,473 Yeah. We were both in Red Dawn 233 00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:30,885 and we probably had sex on set and then you dumped me 234 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,553 and now we famously hate each other. 235 00:09:32,647 --> 00:09:34,239 Oh, yeah, Jennifer. 236 00:09:34,390 --> 00:09:37,909 Well, welcome to the Poke-a-nose. 237 00:09:38,136 --> 00:09:39,894 That was kind of my joke around camp. 238 00:09:39,988 --> 00:09:41,154 People loved it, way better than my 239 00:09:41,306 --> 00:09:43,230 "welcome to the Catskills" bit. 240 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:46,233 I was not invited back to that camp. 241 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,569 Joe, come quick! It's Dancy. 242 00:09:48,738 --> 00:09:50,571 What's the matter? 243 00:09:50,665 --> 00:09:52,482 It's-it's my jaw. 244 00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:53,817 It's very clicky. 245 00:09:53,910 --> 00:09:55,927 I th... I think I have TMJ. 246 00:09:56,154 --> 00:09:57,912 -TMJ? -Oh, no! 247 00:09:57,989 --> 00:09:59,339 I hear that causes mild discomfort 248 00:09:59,491 --> 00:10:01,341 but doesn't otherwise interfere with lifestyle. 249 00:10:01,493 --> 00:10:02,934 JOE: Of course, back then, it was illegal 250 00:10:03,161 --> 00:10:04,344 to get jaw surgery. 251 00:10:04,496 --> 00:10:06,329 The only places that would do it 252 00:10:06,348 --> 00:10:09,015 were sketchy, unsafe, back-alley jaw clinics. 253 00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:11,501 Do you want to keep the TMJ? 254 00:10:11,519 --> 00:10:14,946 Come on, Joe. I'm single, I'm poor, 255 00:10:15,098 --> 00:10:16,522 I work at a Jewish camp for tips. 256 00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:17,949 PETER: Ugh. Brutal. 257 00:10:18,026 --> 00:10:20,510 What's three percent of frugal, am I right? 258 00:10:20,528 --> 00:10:22,011 QUAGMIRE: Not the year for it, Peter. 259 00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:24,347 But, Dancy, what about the big talent show? 260 00:10:24,366 --> 00:10:27,016 Dancy was gonna be my partner at the camp talent show, 261 00:10:27,035 --> 00:10:29,961 which is the most important thing in this whole story. 262 00:10:30,113 --> 00:10:31,796 After I get my jaw surgery, 263 00:10:31,948 --> 00:10:33,798 I'm gonna be in mouth recovery, Joe. 264 00:10:33,950 --> 00:10:35,208 I'm out. 265 00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:38,044 What? Then who am I supposed to dance with? 266 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,954 Literally any one of these other women 267 00:10:40,048 --> 00:10:42,456 -we just saw dancing? -I'll do it. 268 00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:43,475 Ugh. 269 00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:44,884 I know I've never danced before, 270 00:10:45,036 --> 00:10:45,960 but you could teach me. 271 00:10:46,129 --> 00:10:47,887 All right, I'll give you a shot, 272 00:10:48,039 --> 00:10:49,147 but you better not be ticklish 273 00:10:49,298 --> 00:10:51,207 if I touch the inside of your arm 274 00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:52,542 during dance practice. 275 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,487 Y-Yeah. No, no, that-that won't be a problem. 276 00:10:55,714 --> 00:10:58,239 ♪ ♪ 277 00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:01,142 (laughing) 278 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:05,080 This is the (bleep) I was talking about! 279 00:11:06,482 --> 00:11:08,249 ♪ ♪ 280 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,580 Wow, I guess I'm just really bad at 281 00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:16,916 you holding me over your head while I do nothing. 282 00:11:17,068 --> 00:11:18,918 Eh, keep practicing. You'll get there. 283 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,920 Anyway, I like how you always seem to drop me 284 00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:23,515 into the one warm spot in this whole cold lake. 285 00:11:23,666 --> 00:11:27,427 Yeah, and I, uh, I like how you're at least 18 years old. 286 00:11:27,579 --> 00:11:28,578 Actually, I'm... 287 00:11:28,671 --> 00:11:30,580 I like how you're at least 18 years old. 288 00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:34,359 Her nickname was "Baby," which means over 18 years old. 289 00:11:34,510 --> 00:11:37,437 Anyway, we were falling in love, but then... 290 00:11:37,589 --> 00:11:40,273 -Joe, come quick! It's Dancy. -Again? 291 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,108 He's developmentally disabled 292 00:11:42,185 --> 00:11:44,110 and that's the only thing he knows how to say 293 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,496 but still, we should go check on her. 294 00:11:48,934 --> 00:11:50,375 -(grunts softly) -(both gasp) 295 00:11:50,602 --> 00:11:52,860 It's... it's bad, right? 296 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:53,953 No, no, it's fine. 297 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,005 Hey, can you hang on a sec? 298 00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,779 President Kennedy said he's excited to show 299 00:12:02,797 --> 00:12:07,283 the city of Dallas, quote, "just how white a shirt can be." 300 00:12:07,302 --> 00:12:10,211 Joe, this is serious. My whole jaw's messed up. 301 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,397 I don't understand. We sent you to the best 302 00:12:12,548 --> 00:12:15,066 cigarette-smoking surgeon we know. 303 00:12:15,293 --> 00:12:17,402 But listen, you're gonna be okay. 304 00:12:17,553 --> 00:12:18,570 (laughs) 305 00:12:18,721 --> 00:12:19,979 Son of a bitch! 306 00:12:20,131 --> 00:12:21,722 Fortunately, Jennifer had called her father, 307 00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:22,966 who's a doctor. 308 00:12:23,059 --> 00:12:25,577 Oh, dear God. Good thing I got here in time. 309 00:12:25,804 --> 00:12:27,561 Fetch me my big bag of medical supplies 310 00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:29,063 I take on vacation. 311 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,807 Thank you for coming, Dr. Hartman. 312 00:12:30,809 --> 00:12:32,825 Shut up. I don't like you because you're poor. 313 00:12:32,978 --> 00:12:34,085 Daddy, is she gonna be okay? 314 00:12:34,237 --> 00:12:36,980 She's gonna make it. But I blame you for this. 315 00:12:36,998 --> 00:12:38,405 Because it's important for the story 316 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,258 -that I blame you for this. -I'm sorry. 317 00:12:40,409 --> 00:12:41,593 Sorry doesn't cut it. 318 00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,504 Something this terrible calls for real consequences. 319 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,932 No dancing with my daughter at the meaningless talent show. 320 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,917 What? No! 321 00:12:50,011 --> 00:12:51,828 My word is final. 322 00:12:51,846 --> 00:12:53,955 ♪ ♪ 323 00:12:55,091 --> 00:12:58,109 JOE: So what I'm doing right here is I'm thinking about Jennifer 324 00:12:58,261 --> 00:12:59,836 and how she's like the wind. 325 00:12:59,854 --> 00:13:01,613 QUAGMIRE: What does that mean, "she's like the wind"? 326 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,523 JOE: Just, you know, she and the wind. 327 00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:06,009 Uh, lots of similarities there, you know. 328 00:13:06,143 --> 00:13:07,677 She's very wind-like. 329 00:13:07,695 --> 00:13:09,287 QUAGMIRE: Yeah, but like, but how, specifically? 330 00:13:09,514 --> 00:13:10,955 JOE: I mean, where do I even start? 331 00:13:11,107 --> 00:13:13,792 Basically, they're like two peas in a pod, those two. 332 00:13:13,943 --> 00:13:15,442 Her and the wind. You know? 333 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:16,869 QUAGMIRE: No, I don't kn... You know, 334 00:13:17,022 --> 00:13:17,945 you keep saying "you know," 335 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,297 and I don't know, 336 00:13:19,524 --> 00:13:20,614 and that's why I'm asking the question. 337 00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:23,693 In what precise way is she like the wind? 338 00:13:23,786 --> 00:13:27,305 JOE: Well, um, like, if you picture my heart like trees, 339 00:13:27,456 --> 00:13:29,641 she blows through my trees. 340 00:13:29,792 --> 00:13:31,976 QUAGMIRE: All right, so in what way is your heart like trees? 341 00:13:32,128 --> 00:13:33,794 JOE: Aw, look, it's a good song, okay?! 342 00:13:33,963 --> 00:13:35,371 The point is I'm missing Jennifer, 343 00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:36,372 I want her back. 344 00:13:36,465 --> 00:13:37,373 QUAGMIRE: Just say that then. 345 00:13:37,466 --> 00:13:39,300 Enough with this wind business. 346 00:13:39,394 --> 00:13:41,210 JOE: Finally, it came-- 347 00:13:41,229 --> 00:13:43,137 the night of the big talent show. 348 00:13:43,214 --> 00:13:45,882 The show started late 'cause the grandma bragging 349 00:13:45,975 --> 00:13:47,550 had gone a bit long. 350 00:13:47,643 --> 00:13:50,053 (babbles) Doctor! 351 00:13:50,055 --> 00:13:51,888 Buzz, buzz, buzz, lawyer. 352 00:13:51,906 --> 00:13:55,408 (babbles) Five foot, six. 353 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,503 Everyone, I hope you enjoyed the dinner of leftovers 354 00:13:58,654 --> 00:14:00,171 from last year's dinner. 355 00:14:00,323 --> 00:14:02,173 JOE: I mentioned it was a Jewish camp, right? 356 00:14:02,325 --> 00:14:05,718 But now it's time to start the talent show. 357 00:14:06,829 --> 00:14:08,254 This was my last chance. 358 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,422 I wasn't gonna let all those hours 359 00:14:09,574 --> 00:14:12,016 of standing in a lake go to waste. 360 00:14:12,168 --> 00:14:15,261 Nobody puts Legal Adult in a corner. 361 00:14:15,413 --> 00:14:18,339 Unfortunately, this was the Star of David Dining Hall, 362 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,250 so pretty much the whole place was corners. 363 00:14:21,344 --> 00:14:24,270 It was finally time for us to dance together. 364 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,364 Happy 1963, everyone. 365 00:14:26,591 --> 00:14:29,092 For our big finale, we're gonna dance to a song 366 00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:31,094 written in 1985. 367 00:14:31,112 --> 00:14:33,329 ("She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper playing) 368 00:14:39,028 --> 00:14:42,213 ♪ She bop, he bop a we bop ♪ 369 00:14:42,365 --> 00:14:44,031 ♪ I bop, you bop... ♪ 370 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,885 JOE: We had to dance to this song about female masturbation 371 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,779 because we couldn't afford "The Time of My Life." 372 00:14:49,872 --> 00:14:51,280 QUAGMIRE: I think you mean open parentheses 373 00:14:51,299 --> 00:14:54,617 "I've Had" closed parentheses, "The Time of My Life." 374 00:14:54,636 --> 00:14:56,969 JOE: Sure, whatever. The point is we danced great 375 00:14:57,122 --> 00:15:00,306 and everyone was cheering for us. 376 00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:02,125 (cheering) 377 00:15:02,143 --> 00:15:03,884 -Yay! -(whoops) 378 00:15:03,978 --> 00:15:06,070 Joe, come quick! It's Dancy. 379 00:15:06,297 --> 00:15:09,574 JOE: And that's the story of my first love. 380 00:15:09,725 --> 00:15:11,817 P.S., that night we had sex, I got her pregnant, 381 00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:13,970 and three weeks later she had an abortion. 382 00:15:14,063 --> 00:15:16,414 I mean jaw-fixing. Whatever we called it earlier. 383 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,756 -Well, I remember my first... -Anyway, I remember my first... 384 00:15:24,907 --> 00:15:27,483 Oh. 385 00:15:27,502 --> 00:15:29,910 Think, uh, think it's probably gonna be Peter, right? 386 00:15:30,004 --> 00:15:31,245 Sorry, Cleveland. 387 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,265 But I remember my first love. 388 00:15:34,342 --> 00:15:38,161 It was 1989, the golden age of Hollywood. 389 00:15:38,179 --> 00:15:40,846 The year of Troop Beverly Hills, 390 00:15:40,999 --> 00:15:43,090 Fletch Lives, Gleaming the Cube, 391 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,609 and a hilarious new addition 392 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,111 to the Harry and the Hendersons franchise. 393 00:15:47,338 --> 00:15:50,431 Harry meets a girl Bigfoot? Count me in. 394 00:15:50,525 --> 00:15:53,009 PETER: Well, that's what I thought, anyway. 395 00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:55,344 Turns out Harry was shorter in this movie, 396 00:15:55,438 --> 00:15:56,788 but he did look marvelous. 397 00:15:57,015 --> 00:15:59,532 And the actress? Oh, my gosh. 398 00:15:59,684 --> 00:16:01,367 (gasps, sighs) 399 00:16:01,519 --> 00:16:03,610 You know how I always wanted to marry a woman 400 00:16:03,688 --> 00:16:05,705 who looks like the Full House baby? 401 00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:08,800 Well, this was her: Meg Ryan. 402 00:16:09,027 --> 00:16:09,950 Schwing! 403 00:16:10,119 --> 00:16:11,210 I said, being the first person 404 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,286 who ever said that. 405 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,638 Ha, ha, that guy's the first person 406 00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:15,198 to ever say that. 407 00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:16,824 Wow, you're hilarious. 408 00:16:16,959 --> 00:16:18,534 What's your name so we can tell everyone 409 00:16:18,553 --> 00:16:19,811 that you were the first? 410 00:16:19,962 --> 00:16:21,887 Aw, come on, guys, I don't care who gets the credit. 411 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,889 QUAGMIRE: This is making your story less credible. 412 00:16:24,042 --> 00:16:27,685 PETER: Anyway, from the first time I saw Meg Ryan pout 413 00:16:27,837 --> 00:16:29,061 in When Harry Met Sally, 414 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:32,398 I knew I wanted to see her pout in every movie. 415 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:33,992 And then eventually change her face 416 00:16:34,143 --> 00:16:35,809 so she's incapable of pouting. 417 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,037 ♪ ♪ 418 00:16:41,242 --> 00:16:44,651 Ah, nothing better than movie theater popcorn. 419 00:16:44,729 --> 00:16:47,079 Some for me, some for the cleaning guy. 420 00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:50,249 Some for me, some for the cleaning guy. 421 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,677 So, you must really like this movie. 422 00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:56,255 Are... are-are you... are you talking to me? 423 00:16:56,332 --> 00:16:58,090 I got to talk to somebody. 424 00:16:58,243 --> 00:17:00,243 He's about to do a 20-minute song parody 425 00:17:00,261 --> 00:17:02,336 of the 1988 Oscar nominees. 426 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,413 ♪ Broadcast News to the left of me ♪ 427 00:17:04,507 --> 00:17:06,249 ♪ Fatal Attraction to the right ♪ 428 00:17:06,342 --> 00:17:09,935 ♪ Here I am, Moonstruck in the middle with you. ♪ 429 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,922 Come join me, Peter. It's a 1980s movie, 430 00:17:13,015 --> 00:17:15,533 so there's lots and lots of 1940s music. 431 00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:17,618 ♪ ♪ 432 00:17:28,531 --> 00:17:31,290 -What's that guy doing? -He's ruining the movie. 433 00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:33,593 Joe, come quick! It's Dancy. 434 00:17:37,632 --> 00:17:38,890 So that happened. 435 00:17:39,041 --> 00:17:41,041 (laughs) I've never heard that. 436 00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,953 You're the first. Peter Griffin's the first. 437 00:17:43,971 --> 00:17:45,805 Aw, come on, Meg Ryan, it's not about that. 438 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:48,149 QUAGMIRE: Yeah, you got to stop doing this, Peter. 439 00:17:50,978 --> 00:17:52,795 PETER: That day we talked and talked 440 00:17:52,814 --> 00:17:55,907 as an unrealistic amount of leaves fell around us. 441 00:17:56,134 --> 00:17:57,891 Hey, thanks for walking me around 442 00:17:57,985 --> 00:17:59,911 in this watered-down Woody Allen movie. 443 00:18:00,138 --> 00:18:02,822 You're welcome, Peter. But what do you think? 444 00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:04,916 Can a man and a woman just be friends 445 00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,417 without the sex? 446 00:18:06,569 --> 00:18:09,645 Oh, uh, yeah, uh, sure, yeah. 447 00:18:09,664 --> 00:18:11,330 Uh, me-men and women can just be friends. 448 00:18:11,482 --> 00:18:13,925 But, like, the fourth or fifth friend you call. 449 00:18:14,152 --> 00:18:16,427 What do you say, Peter? Friends? 450 00:18:16,654 --> 00:18:19,004 -Friends with benefi... -Benefits? No. 451 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:20,656 I was gonna say Benefiber. 452 00:18:20,675 --> 00:18:22,675 I been getting wicked stopped up lately. 453 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:26,479 -Ew. -Welcome to being friends with a guy, Meg Ryan. 454 00:18:29,758 --> 00:18:32,443 Me and Meg Ryan had a special connection. 455 00:18:32,670 --> 00:18:34,353 I even followed her into other movies, 456 00:18:34,505 --> 00:18:36,005 like Sleepless in Seattle, 457 00:18:36,023 --> 00:18:37,931 which ends on the top of the Empire State building. 458 00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:40,267 Gee, Pop, I'm sorry I left my backpack 459 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,361 just laying around at the Empire State Building, 460 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,364 which is an actual plot point from the film. 461 00:18:45,516 --> 00:18:47,867 Don't worry, it's still just the 1990s, 462 00:18:48,019 --> 00:18:49,443 so it's okay to abandon your backpack 463 00:18:49,537 --> 00:18:50,870 in big-city landmarks. 464 00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,631 -(all ticking) -See something, say nothing, 465 00:18:53,782 --> 00:18:56,259 That's the 1990s New York way. 466 00:18:58,787 --> 00:19:01,213 -Hey. -Hey. 467 00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:04,717 Ah. This is our last chance to look at Brooklyn 468 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,702 before Lena Dunham gets there. 469 00:19:06,721 --> 00:19:08,795 PETER: I also followed her to You've Got Mail, 470 00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,056 where I drove her little bookstore out of business 471 00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:13,709 before my big bookstore went out of business. 472 00:19:13,728 --> 00:19:17,155 Also, I DMed her on my eight-inch-thick laptop. 473 00:19:18,232 --> 00:19:21,975 As always, I wrote to her as friends. Just friends. 474 00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:25,163 It seemed like we'd be just friends forever, 475 00:19:25,314 --> 00:19:28,148 but then came the movie that changed everything. 476 00:19:28,242 --> 00:19:31,002 The most important film of all time: 477 00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:33,896 In the Cut. Because naked! 478 00:19:33,915 --> 00:19:37,082 It's just, ever since we met you've been my best friend, 479 00:19:37,235 --> 00:19:38,992 and I was always afraid of damaging that 480 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:41,086 because I don't want to risk this connection. 481 00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:43,830 Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Hey. 482 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,017 Shut up, Meg. 483 00:19:46,168 --> 00:19:48,385 COP: Excuse me, sir? Sir. 484 00:19:48,612 --> 00:19:49,595 Wake up, sir. 485 00:19:49,747 --> 00:19:51,080 PETER: Turns out I never did get pulled 486 00:19:51,098 --> 00:19:52,547 up into that movie screen. 487 00:19:52,549 --> 00:19:54,250 I had just Pee Wee Herman'ed myself 488 00:19:54,268 --> 00:19:56,085 in the theater and fell asleep. 489 00:19:56,103 --> 00:19:57,844 (snores) Huh? What? 490 00:19:57,939 --> 00:19:59,605 What's going on here? 491 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,532 Um... 492 00:20:01,759 --> 00:20:03,517 I'll have what she's having? 493 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,779 And that's when my doctor said, "You can't drink and do Ambien." 494 00:20:06,931 --> 00:20:10,115 So, there you go, my first love: Meg Ryan. 495 00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,951 Or maybe Melanie Griffith. 496 00:20:12,103 --> 00:20:13,619 You know, now that I'm thinking about it, 497 00:20:13,771 --> 00:20:14,954 did you see Body Double? 498 00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:16,214 Good God. 499 00:20:16,365 --> 00:20:18,123 That's a wonderful story, Peter. 500 00:20:18,276 --> 00:20:19,866 I'm always happy just to listen 501 00:20:19,961 --> 00:20:23,095 -and be here for you. -(phone chimes) 502 00:20:31,547 --> 00:20:32,563 Donna says hi. 503 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:41,297 Is it okay if I tell my first love story? 504 00:20:41,315 --> 00:20:42,631 If it wasn't good enough to tell 505 00:20:42,650 --> 00:20:44,967 in one of the 88 episodes of your show, 506 00:20:44,986 --> 00:20:46,661 maybe it's not good enough for us. 507 00:20:49,231 --> 00:20:51,474 Could you guys do me a favor and laugh 508 00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:53,567 like I'm telling you a hilarious story? 509 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,068 -(laughing) -See? 510 00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,662 I get a flashback, too. 511 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,465 I don't see nothing shimmering.