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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
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Sorry I'm late.
Had a family emergency
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with, um... I don't know.
I want to say Chris?
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Uh, I wasn't listening
super close.
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Why don't you sit down
and drink beer
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and tell us about it instead of
being home with your family?
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Apparently, Chris and his
girlfriend broke up.
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Something about her wanting
to see other people.
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So the doctor says
this surgery is gonna
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restore my eyesight.
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What? Oh, no.
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"Oh, no"?
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But I thought you'd be happy,
Colin Farrell.
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Oi, blimey. Uh, get stuffed.
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I'm-I'm gonna see other birds.
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G-Good day, mate.
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Don't look. Don't look.
I think that's Colin Farrell.
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And this girl
was his first love.
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Poor Chris.
He was sobbing his eyes out
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when I abruptly left.
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First loves always
hit the hardest.
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I'll say. I still remember
my first real love.
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Seems like yesterday.
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Why, just thinking back on her
makes everything
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all shimmery and distorted.
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I was working
for Federal Express,
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like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.
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And just like Tom Hanks
in Cast Away,
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I said the words
"Federal Express"
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a suspicious number of times.
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Excuse me, miss. Asking
as a Federal Express employee,
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may I please get a refill
of iced tea very quickly,
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the way Federal Express
delivers parcels?
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There was only one thing
I loved more
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than corporate-branded content,
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and that was my fiancée,
Helen Hunt.
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JOE: Hubba-hubba.
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QUAGMIRE:
Darn right hubba-hubba.
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You know how most guys
want their girlfriends
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to look like a pissy bird?
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Well, I was living the dream.
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You're 17 seconds late.
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I am a Federal Express employee
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who is very obsessed with time.
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Well, that's my fiancé.
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Give me a kiss, you
time-obsessed beardless man
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who is unable to spear
a fish with a sharpened stick.
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QUAGMIRE: Remember
all that stuff for later.
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Mm, oh, I can't wait
to do more than kiss.
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Only three more days
till the wedding.
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Yep. I've got just
one last flight
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across the Planecrash Sea,
and then I'm all yours.
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QUAGMIRE: Little did I know.
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I'll never forget
that fateful day.
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Looking back,
I never should have
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tried to do two fantasy
football drafts
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while flying a plane.
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-I ended up with four defenses.
-Ugh!
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AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
FE-117,
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looks like
you got rough weather.
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Maybe you should just
do auto-draft
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for your fantasy leagues, over.
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Uh, negative, negative, Control.
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I am heterosexual, over.
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AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Ha.
There's that clean-shaven guy
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who cannot spear a fish
with a stick
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that we all know and love.
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Damn it.
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Too bad I'm in an airplane
and can only go
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straight into a storm
and not over or around.
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Wait, I think the storm
is breaking up.
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I was gonna make it, but then
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the plane got hit
by lightning.
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Oh!
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And I somehow drafted the punter
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Jeff Feagles
in the second round.
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Oh!
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And it was all over.
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I was all alone
on an uncharted island.
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What could I do?
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Definitely not spear a fish
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with a hand-sharpened stick.
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'Cause remember, that was a
complete non-starter for me.
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If I wanted to make it back
to my Helen,
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I'd need to find a way
to survive.
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Luckily I had a whole
plane's worth of FedEx parcels
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I could open and use.
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Oh, please be food.
Please be food.
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Oh, thank God, I'm saved.
Peanut brittle.
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Aah!
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"From Peter Griffin."
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PETER:
(laughs) Gotcha. Continue.
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QUAGMIRE:
But then I opened the most
important package of all.
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My only friend on the island.
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I'm gonna call you Wilson,
after Rita Wilson,
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the most beautiful and talented
woman in Hollywood.
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The true first lady
of American culture.
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I swear, I didn't say
all that stuff just so Tom Hanks
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would let us do this movie.
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(grunts)
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Character development.
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I had been on that island
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for four years.
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Man, I've been on this island
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for somewhere between
two and seven years.
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I'm not sure which 'cause I'm
no longer obsessed with time.
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That's more character
development.
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Anyway, all these years later,
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I still couldn't get
Helen Hunt out of my mind.
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I was going nuts
thinking about her.
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Oh, Helen...
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Oh come on, get it together.
Think of something else.
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Think of anything besides
Helen Hunt.
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Oh, almost Helen Hunt.
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Enough was enough.
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I decided to build a raft
and get back to my beloved.
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But what to make
the raft out of?
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Got to be something
I can use.
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What floats?
What floats?
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Mm, definitely not these
footballs for Tom Brady.
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Straight to the bottom.
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I wonder.
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Aah!
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PETER:
(laughs) Two for two. Continue.
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QUAGMIRE:
I was able to float away
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on a raft made
out of the giant joke box.
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It was me and Wilson and
this one other kind of lame guy.
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Boy, you hoist a sail,
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then where did the wind go?
Am I right?
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I just saw you
take a dump in the ocean.
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I'm not really
looking to chat.
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Days passed.
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Wilson and I were all alone.
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No drinking water
and no food, except...
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Nope, not this time.
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PETER:
Eh, you're no fun. Continue.
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QUAGMIRE:
But then disaster struck.
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Aah! Aah!
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No. No! Wilson!
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Eventually I moved on
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00:05:49,408 --> 00:05:52,425
and largely forgot about Wilson.
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00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,728
(piano playing)
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Why are you smiling, honey?
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00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:14,664
Oh, I used to bone
that volleyball.
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I don't remember much
after that.
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Apparently I was picked up
by some cargo ship.
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But then,
wouldn't you know it,
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the ship got taken over
by Somali pirates.
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Look at me.
Look at me.
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We are doing this movie now.
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QUAGMIRE:
Then that Somali pirate
did a bunch of stuff
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and then nothing else
ever again,
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and eventually I got back home.
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After years and years away,
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it was finally time
to see my Helen.
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Oh, my God, you're alive.
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I thought about you
every day, Helen.
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You're the reason I stayed alive
all these years.
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I never stopped loving you.
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I'm-I'm sorry.
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I got back together
with Paul Reiser.
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What?
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We did a Mad About You reboot
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on Spectrum Originals.
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QUAGMIRE:
Which just sounds fake.
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I mean, did you watch
any of that?
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Do you even know anyone who...
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I-I... Like, I literally
do not know one person
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00:07:06,075 --> 00:07:07,834
who saw, like,
a single minute of that.
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I'm so sorry.
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QUAGMIRE:
I was devastated.
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Helen was my first true love--
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the only woman I ever wanted--
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and she had moved on
without me.
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Fortunately, five years later,
they invented
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00:07:20,590 --> 00:07:22,441
portable pornography
on telephones,
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and I've literally never
thought about her since.
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Well, that was a touching tale
of first love, Quagmire.
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And I googled Spectrum
Originals, by the way.
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Found nothing.
Zero matches.
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Nothing on Ask Jeeves either,
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but they don't always
have everything.
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Anyway, I remember
my first love.
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It's quite an interesting story.
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Okay, guess
I'll be going last tonight.
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This was back
in the early '60s.
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I was working
at a hoity-toity camp
196
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for rich Jewish people.
197
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PETER:
Are you Jewish in this?
198
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,057
JOE:
(laughs) No.
199
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:06,318
-I was a dance instructor.
-♪ ♪
200
00:08:06,469 --> 00:08:08,228
Anyway, this camp
was highly renowned
201
00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:11,397
for offering exclusively
clean dancing.
202
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:14,234
You are the cleanest dancer
I ever met.
203
00:08:14,386 --> 00:08:16,386
It's why we come here
every year.
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00:08:16,479 --> 00:08:18,479
JOE:
But all the while,
I was being watched
205
00:08:18,573 --> 00:08:21,482
by the prettiest girl
in the camp.
206
00:08:21,576 --> 00:08:25,395
Her name was Jennifer Schnozz,
and I saw her everywhere.
207
00:08:25,413 --> 00:08:28,898
Seems like she was always
sniffing around someplace.
208
00:08:28,917 --> 00:08:30,400
QUAGMIRE:
Okay.
209
00:08:30,493 --> 00:08:33,236
JOE:
Daytimes were reserved
for clean dancing,
210
00:08:33,405 --> 00:08:35,013
but at night,
someone would bring
211
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,832
a very large watermelon
to the staff cabin,
212
00:08:37,909 --> 00:08:39,000
and for some reason,
that meant
213
00:08:39,094 --> 00:08:41,578
it was time for dirty dancing.
214
00:08:41,596 --> 00:08:43,504
(cheering)
215
00:08:43,598 --> 00:08:45,673
♪ ♪
216
00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,842
JOE:
We had booze, sexy music,
217
00:08:47,936 --> 00:08:49,861
and because it was August
by a lake,
218
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,679
lots of mosquitos.
219
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,698
(buzzing)
220
00:08:57,279 --> 00:08:59,854
My favorite partner
was Dancy McGee.
221
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,040
She was the best dancer
on the staff,
222
00:09:02,191 --> 00:09:04,042
as you can tell
from this dance party
223
00:09:04,193 --> 00:09:06,861
where she's dancing
neither better nor worse
224
00:09:06,955 --> 00:09:09,530
than anyone on the staff.
225
00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:12,108
But there Jennifer was again,
226
00:09:12,127 --> 00:09:14,535
always with her nose
pressed against the glass,
227
00:09:14,629 --> 00:09:17,630
or anything else she was
standing three feet away from.
228
00:09:17,783 --> 00:09:19,707
QUAGMIRE:
Might be going a bit hard
with the nose stuff.
229
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,285
JOE:
Relax, she's fine.
She got a new one.
230
00:09:22,304 --> 00:09:24,545
It was time to make my move.
231
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:25,880
Hey, do I know you?
232
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,473
Yeah.
We were both in Red Dawn
233
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:30,885
and we probably had sex on set
and then you dumped me
234
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,553
and now we famously
hate each other.
235
00:09:32,647 --> 00:09:34,239
Oh, yeah, Jennifer.
236
00:09:34,390 --> 00:09:37,909
Well, welcome
to the Poke-a-nose.
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00:09:38,136 --> 00:09:39,894
That was kind of my joke
around camp.
238
00:09:39,988 --> 00:09:41,154
People loved it,
way better than my
239
00:09:41,306 --> 00:09:43,230
"welcome to the Catskills" bit.
240
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:46,233
I was not invited back
to that camp.
241
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,569
Joe, come quick!
It's Dancy.
242
00:09:48,738 --> 00:09:50,571
What's the matter?
243
00:09:50,665 --> 00:09:52,482
It's-it's my jaw.
244
00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:53,817
It's very clicky.
245
00:09:53,910 --> 00:09:55,927
I th... I think I have TMJ.
246
00:09:56,154 --> 00:09:57,912
-TMJ?
-Oh, no!
247
00:09:57,989 --> 00:09:59,339
I hear that causes
mild discomfort
248
00:09:59,491 --> 00:10:01,341
but doesn't otherwise
interfere with lifestyle.
249
00:10:01,493 --> 00:10:02,934
JOE:
Of course, back then,
it was illegal
250
00:10:03,161 --> 00:10:04,344
to get jaw surgery.
251
00:10:04,496 --> 00:10:06,329
The only places
that would do it
252
00:10:06,348 --> 00:10:09,015
were sketchy, unsafe,
back-alley jaw clinics.
253
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:11,501
Do you want to keep
the TMJ?
254
00:10:11,519 --> 00:10:14,946
Come on, Joe.
I'm single, I'm poor,
255
00:10:15,098 --> 00:10:16,522
I work at a Jewish camp
for tips.
256
00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:17,949
PETER:
Ugh. Brutal.
257
00:10:18,026 --> 00:10:20,510
What's three percent of frugal,
am I right?
258
00:10:20,528 --> 00:10:22,011
QUAGMIRE:
Not the year for it, Peter.
259
00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:24,347
But, Dancy, what about
the big talent show?
260
00:10:24,366 --> 00:10:27,016
Dancy was gonna be my partner
at the camp talent show,
261
00:10:27,035 --> 00:10:29,961
which is the most important
thing in this whole story.
262
00:10:30,113 --> 00:10:31,796
After I get my jaw surgery,
263
00:10:31,948 --> 00:10:33,798
I'm gonna be in
mouth recovery, Joe.
264
00:10:33,950 --> 00:10:35,208
I'm out.
265
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:38,044
What? Then who am I
supposed to dance with?
266
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,954
Literally any one
of these other women
267
00:10:40,048 --> 00:10:42,456
-we just saw dancing?
-I'll do it.
268
00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:43,475
Ugh.
269
00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:44,884
I know I've never
danced before,
270
00:10:45,036 --> 00:10:45,960
but you could teach me.
271
00:10:46,129 --> 00:10:47,887
All right, I'll give you a shot,
272
00:10:48,039 --> 00:10:49,147
but you better not be ticklish
273
00:10:49,298 --> 00:10:51,207
if I touch the inside
of your arm
274
00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:52,542
during dance practice.
275
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,487
Y-Yeah. No, no, that-that
won't be a problem.
276
00:10:55,714 --> 00:10:58,239
♪ ♪
277
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:01,142
(laughing)
278
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:05,080
This is the (bleep)
I was talking about!
279
00:11:06,482 --> 00:11:08,249
♪ ♪
280
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,580
Wow, I guess I'm just
really bad at
281
00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:16,916
you holding me over your head
while I do nothing.
282
00:11:17,068 --> 00:11:18,918
Eh, keep practicing.
You'll get there.
283
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,920
Anyway, I like how you
always seem to drop me
284
00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:23,515
into the one warm spot
in this whole cold lake.
285
00:11:23,666 --> 00:11:27,427
Yeah, and I, uh, I like how
you're at least 18 years old.
286
00:11:27,579 --> 00:11:28,578
Actually, I'm...
287
00:11:28,671 --> 00:11:30,580
I like how you're
at least 18 years old.
288
00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:34,359
Her nickname was "Baby,"
which means over 18 years old.
289
00:11:34,510 --> 00:11:37,437
Anyway, we were falling
in love, but then...
290
00:11:37,589 --> 00:11:40,273
-Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
-Again?
291
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,108
He's developmentally disabled
292
00:11:42,185 --> 00:11:44,110
and that's the only thing
he knows how to say
293
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,496
but still, we should
go check on her.
294
00:11:48,934 --> 00:11:50,375
-(grunts softly)
-(both gasp)
295
00:11:50,602 --> 00:11:52,860
It's... it's bad, right?
296
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:53,953
No, no, it's fine.
297
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,005
Hey, can you hang on a sec?
298
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,779
President Kennedy
said he's excited to show
299
00:12:02,797 --> 00:12:07,283
the city of Dallas, quote,
"just how white a shirt can be."
300
00:12:07,302 --> 00:12:10,211
Joe, this is serious.
My whole jaw's messed up.
301
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,397
I don't understand.
We sent you to the best
302
00:12:12,548 --> 00:12:15,066
cigarette-smoking surgeon
we know.
303
00:12:15,293 --> 00:12:17,402
But listen,
you're gonna be okay.
304
00:12:17,553 --> 00:12:18,570
(laughs)
305
00:12:18,721 --> 00:12:19,979
Son of a bitch!
306
00:12:20,131 --> 00:12:21,722
Fortunately, Jennifer
had called her father,
307
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:22,966
who's a doctor.
308
00:12:23,059 --> 00:12:25,577
Oh, dear God.
Good thing I got here in time.
309
00:12:25,804 --> 00:12:27,561
Fetch me my big bag
of medical supplies
310
00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:29,063
I take on vacation.
311
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,807
Thank you for coming,
Dr. Hartman.
312
00:12:30,809 --> 00:12:32,825
Shut up. I don't like you
because you're poor.
313
00:12:32,978 --> 00:12:34,085
Daddy, is she gonna be okay?
314
00:12:34,237 --> 00:12:36,980
She's gonna make it.
But I blame you for this.
315
00:12:36,998 --> 00:12:38,405
Because it's important
for the story
316
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,258
-that I blame you for this.
-I'm sorry.
317
00:12:40,409 --> 00:12:41,593
Sorry doesn't cut it.
318
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,504
Something this terrible
calls for real consequences.
319
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,932
No dancing with my daughter
at the meaningless talent show.
320
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,917
What? No!
321
00:12:50,011 --> 00:12:51,828
My word is final.
322
00:12:51,846 --> 00:12:53,955
♪ ♪
323
00:12:55,091 --> 00:12:58,109
JOE:
So what I'm doing right here
is I'm thinking about Jennifer
324
00:12:58,261 --> 00:12:59,836
and how she's like the wind.
325
00:12:59,854 --> 00:13:01,613
QUAGMIRE:
What does that mean,
"she's like the wind"?
326
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,523
JOE:
Just, you know,
she and the wind.
327
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:06,009
Uh, lots of similarities
there, you know.
328
00:13:06,143 --> 00:13:07,677
She's very wind-like.
329
00:13:07,695 --> 00:13:09,287
QUAGMIRE:
Yeah, but like,
but how, specifically?
330
00:13:09,514 --> 00:13:10,955
JOE:
I mean, where do I even start?
331
00:13:11,107 --> 00:13:13,792
Basically, they're like
two peas in a pod, those two.
332
00:13:13,943 --> 00:13:15,442
Her and the wind.
You know?
333
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:16,869
QUAGMIRE:
No, I don't kn... You know,
334
00:13:17,022 --> 00:13:17,945
you keep saying "you know,"
335
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,297
and I don't know,
336
00:13:19,524 --> 00:13:20,614
and that's why
I'm asking the question.
337
00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:23,693
In what precise way
is she like the wind?
338
00:13:23,786 --> 00:13:27,305
JOE:
Well, um, like, if you picture
my heart like trees,
339
00:13:27,456 --> 00:13:29,641
she blows through my trees.
340
00:13:29,792 --> 00:13:31,976
QUAGMIRE:
All right, so in what way
is your heart like trees?
341
00:13:32,128 --> 00:13:33,794
JOE:
Aw, look,
it's a good song, okay?!
342
00:13:33,963 --> 00:13:35,371
The point is
I'm missing Jennifer,
343
00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:36,372
I want her back.
344
00:13:36,465 --> 00:13:37,373
QUAGMIRE:
Just say that then.
345
00:13:37,466 --> 00:13:39,300
Enough with this wind business.
346
00:13:39,394 --> 00:13:41,210
JOE:
Finally, it came--
347
00:13:41,229 --> 00:13:43,137
the night of the big
talent show.
348
00:13:43,214 --> 00:13:45,882
The show started late
'cause the grandma bragging
349
00:13:45,975 --> 00:13:47,550
had gone a bit long.
350
00:13:47,643 --> 00:13:50,053
(babbles)
Doctor!
351
00:13:50,055 --> 00:13:51,888
Buzz, buzz, buzz, lawyer.
352
00:13:51,906 --> 00:13:55,408
(babbles)
Five foot, six.
353
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,503
Everyone, I hope you enjoyed
the dinner of leftovers
354
00:13:58,654 --> 00:14:00,171
from last year's dinner.
355
00:14:00,323 --> 00:14:02,173
JOE:
I mentioned it was
a Jewish camp, right?
356
00:14:02,325 --> 00:14:05,718
But now it's time
to start the talent show.
357
00:14:06,829 --> 00:14:08,254
This was my last chance.
358
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,422
I wasn't gonna
let all those hours
359
00:14:09,574 --> 00:14:12,016
of standing in a lake
go to waste.
360
00:14:12,168 --> 00:14:15,261
Nobody puts Legal Adult
in a corner.
361
00:14:15,413 --> 00:14:18,339
Unfortunately, this was
the Star of David Dining Hall,
362
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,250
so pretty much
the whole place was corners.
363
00:14:21,344 --> 00:14:24,270
It was finally time
for us to dance together.
364
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,364
Happy 1963, everyone.
365
00:14:26,591 --> 00:14:29,092
For our big finale,
we're gonna dance to a song
366
00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:31,094
written in 1985.
367
00:14:31,112 --> 00:14:33,329
("She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper
playing)
368
00:14:39,028 --> 00:14:42,213
♪ She bop, he bop a we bop ♪
369
00:14:42,365 --> 00:14:44,031
♪ I bop, you bop... ♪
370
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,885
JOE:
We had to dance to this song
about female masturbation
371
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,779
because we couldn't afford
"The Time of My Life."
372
00:14:49,872 --> 00:14:51,280
QUAGMIRE:
I think you mean
open parentheses
373
00:14:51,299 --> 00:14:54,617
"I've Had" closed parentheses,
"The Time of My Life."
374
00:14:54,636 --> 00:14:56,969
JOE:
Sure, whatever.
The point is we danced great
375
00:14:57,122 --> 00:15:00,306
and everyone
was cheering for us.
376
00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:02,125
(cheering)
377
00:15:02,143 --> 00:15:03,884
-Yay!
-(whoops)
378
00:15:03,978 --> 00:15:06,070
Joe, come quick!
It's Dancy.
379
00:15:06,297 --> 00:15:09,574
JOE:
And that's the story
of my first love.
380
00:15:09,725 --> 00:15:11,817
P.S., that night we had sex,
I got her pregnant,
381
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:13,970
and three weeks later
she had an abortion.
382
00:15:14,063 --> 00:15:16,414
I mean jaw-fixing.
Whatever we called it earlier.
383
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,756
-Well, I remember my first...
-Anyway, I remember my first...
384
00:15:24,907 --> 00:15:27,483
Oh.
385
00:15:27,502 --> 00:15:29,910
Think, uh, think it's probably
gonna be Peter, right?
386
00:15:30,004 --> 00:15:31,245
Sorry, Cleveland.
387
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,265
But I remember my first love.
388
00:15:34,342 --> 00:15:38,161
It was 1989,
the golden age of Hollywood.
389
00:15:38,179 --> 00:15:40,846
The year of
Troop Beverly Hills,
390
00:15:40,999 --> 00:15:43,090
Fletch Lives,
Gleaming the Cube,
391
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,609
and a hilarious new addition
392
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,111
to the Harry and the Hendersons
franchise.
393
00:15:47,338 --> 00:15:50,431
Harry meets a girl Bigfoot?
Count me in.
394
00:15:50,525 --> 00:15:53,009
PETER:
Well, that's what
I thought, anyway.
395
00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:55,344
Turns out Harry
was shorter in this movie,
396
00:15:55,438 --> 00:15:56,788
but he did look marvelous.
397
00:15:57,015 --> 00:15:59,532
And the actress?
Oh, my gosh.
398
00:15:59,684 --> 00:16:01,367
(gasps, sighs)
399
00:16:01,519 --> 00:16:03,610
You know how I always wanted
to marry a woman
400
00:16:03,688 --> 00:16:05,705
who looks like
the Full House baby?
401
00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:08,800
Well, this was her: Meg Ryan.
402
00:16:09,027 --> 00:16:09,950
Schwing!
403
00:16:10,119 --> 00:16:11,210
I said, being the first person
404
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,286
who ever said that.
405
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,638
Ha, ha, that guy's
the first person
406
00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:15,198
to ever say that.
407
00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:16,824
Wow, you're hilarious.
408
00:16:16,959 --> 00:16:18,534
What's your name
so we can tell everyone
409
00:16:18,553 --> 00:16:19,811
that you were the first?
410
00:16:19,962 --> 00:16:21,887
Aw, come on, guys, I don't care
who gets the credit.
411
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,889
QUAGMIRE:
This is making your story
less credible.
412
00:16:24,042 --> 00:16:27,685
PETER:
Anyway, from the first time
I saw Meg Ryan pout
413
00:16:27,837 --> 00:16:29,061
in When Harry Met Sally,
414
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:32,398
I knew I wanted to see her pout
in every movie.
415
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:33,992
And then eventually
change her face
416
00:16:34,143 --> 00:16:35,809
so she's incapable of pouting.
417
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,037
♪ ♪
418
00:16:41,242 --> 00:16:44,651
Ah, nothing better
than movie theater popcorn.
419
00:16:44,729 --> 00:16:47,079
Some for me,
some for the cleaning guy.
420
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:50,249
Some for me, some for
the cleaning guy.
421
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,677
So, you must really
like this movie.
422
00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:56,255
Are... are-are you...
are you talking to me?
423
00:16:56,332 --> 00:16:58,090
I got to talk to somebody.
424
00:16:58,243 --> 00:17:00,243
He's about to do
a 20-minute song parody
425
00:17:00,261 --> 00:17:02,336
of the 1988 Oscar nominees.
426
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,413
♪ Broadcast News
to the left of me ♪
427
00:17:04,507 --> 00:17:06,249
♪ Fatal Attraction
to the right ♪
428
00:17:06,342 --> 00:17:09,935
♪ Here I am, Moonstruck
in the middle with you. ♪
429
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,922
Come join me, Peter.
It's a 1980s movie,
430
00:17:13,015 --> 00:17:15,533
so there's lots and lots
of 1940s music.
431
00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:17,618
♪ ♪
432
00:17:28,531 --> 00:17:31,290
-What's that guy doing?
-He's ruining the movie.
433
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:33,593
Joe, come quick!
It's Dancy.
434
00:17:37,632 --> 00:17:38,890
So that happened.
435
00:17:39,041 --> 00:17:41,041
(laughs)
I've never heard that.
436
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,953
You're the first.
Peter Griffin's the first.
437
00:17:43,971 --> 00:17:45,805
Aw, come on, Meg Ryan,
it's not about that.
438
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:48,149
QUAGMIRE:
Yeah, you got to stop
doing this, Peter.
439
00:17:50,978 --> 00:17:52,795
PETER:
That day we talked and talked
440
00:17:52,814 --> 00:17:55,907
as an unrealistic amount
of leaves fell around us.
441
00:17:56,134 --> 00:17:57,891
Hey, thanks for
walking me around
442
00:17:57,985 --> 00:17:59,911
in this watered-down
Woody Allen movie.
443
00:18:00,138 --> 00:18:02,822
You're welcome, Peter.
But what do you think?
444
00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:04,916
Can a man and a woman
just be friends
445
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,417
without the sex?
446
00:18:06,569 --> 00:18:09,645
Oh, uh, yeah, uh, sure, yeah.
447
00:18:09,664 --> 00:18:11,330
Uh, me-men and women
can just be friends.
448
00:18:11,482 --> 00:18:13,925
But, like, the fourth
or fifth friend you call.
449
00:18:14,152 --> 00:18:16,427
What do you say, Peter?
Friends?
450
00:18:16,654 --> 00:18:19,004
-Friends with benefi...
-Benefits? No.
451
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:20,656
I was gonna say Benefiber.
452
00:18:20,675 --> 00:18:22,675
I been getting wicked
stopped up lately.
453
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:26,479
-Ew.
-Welcome to being friends
with a guy, Meg Ryan.
454
00:18:29,758 --> 00:18:32,443
Me and Meg Ryan
had a special connection.
455
00:18:32,670 --> 00:18:34,353
I even followed her
into other movies,
456
00:18:34,505 --> 00:18:36,005
like Sleepless in Seattle,
457
00:18:36,023 --> 00:18:37,931
which ends on the top
of the Empire State building.
458
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:40,267
Gee, Pop, I'm sorry
I left my backpack
459
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,361
just laying around
at the Empire State Building,
460
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,364
which is an actual plot point
from the film.
461
00:18:45,516 --> 00:18:47,867
Don't worry,
it's still just the 1990s,
462
00:18:48,019 --> 00:18:49,443
so it's okay to abandon
your backpack
463
00:18:49,537 --> 00:18:50,870
in big-city landmarks.
464
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,631
-(all ticking)
-See something, say nothing,
465
00:18:53,782 --> 00:18:56,259
That's the 1990s
New York way.
466
00:18:58,787 --> 00:19:01,213
-Hey.
-Hey.
467
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:04,717
Ah. This is our last chance
to look at Brooklyn
468
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,702
before Lena Dunham gets there.
469
00:19:06,721 --> 00:19:08,795
PETER:
I also followed her
to You've Got Mail,
470
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,056
where I drove her little
bookstore out of business
471
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:13,709
before my big bookstore
went out of business.
472
00:19:13,728 --> 00:19:17,155
Also, I DMed her on my
eight-inch-thick laptop.
473
00:19:18,232 --> 00:19:21,975
As always, I wrote to her
as friends. Just friends.
474
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:25,163
It seemed like we'd be
just friends forever,
475
00:19:25,314 --> 00:19:28,148
but then came the movie
that changed everything.
476
00:19:28,242 --> 00:19:31,002
The most important film
of all time:
477
00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:33,896
In the Cut.
Because naked!
478
00:19:33,915 --> 00:19:37,082
It's just, ever since we met
you've been my best friend,
479
00:19:37,235 --> 00:19:38,992
and I was always afraid
of damaging that
480
00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:41,086
because I don't want to risk
this connection.
481
00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:43,830
Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hey.
482
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,017
Shut up, Meg.
483
00:19:46,168 --> 00:19:48,385
COP:
Excuse me, sir? Sir.
484
00:19:48,612 --> 00:19:49,595
Wake up, sir.
485
00:19:49,747 --> 00:19:51,080
PETER:
Turns out I never did get pulled
486
00:19:51,098 --> 00:19:52,547
up into that movie screen.
487
00:19:52,549 --> 00:19:54,250
I had just
Pee Wee Herman'ed myself
488
00:19:54,268 --> 00:19:56,085
in the theater and fell asleep.
489
00:19:56,103 --> 00:19:57,844
(snores)
Huh? What?
490
00:19:57,939 --> 00:19:59,605
What's going on here?
491
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,532
Um...
492
00:20:01,759 --> 00:20:03,517
I'll have what she's having?
493
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,779
And that's when my doctor said,
"You can't drink and do Ambien."
494
00:20:06,931 --> 00:20:10,115
So, there you go,
my first love: Meg Ryan.
495
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,951
Or maybe Melanie Griffith.
496
00:20:12,103 --> 00:20:13,619
You know, now that
I'm thinking about it,
497
00:20:13,771 --> 00:20:14,954
did you see Body Double?
498
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:16,214
Good God.
499
00:20:16,365 --> 00:20:18,123
That's a wonderful story, Peter.
500
00:20:18,276 --> 00:20:19,866
I'm always happy just to listen
501
00:20:19,961 --> 00:20:23,095
-and be here for you.
-(phone chimes)
502
00:20:31,547 --> 00:20:32,563
Donna says hi.
503
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:41,297
Is it okay if I tell
my first love story?
504
00:20:41,315 --> 00:20:42,631
If it wasn't
good enough to tell
505
00:20:42,650 --> 00:20:44,967
in one of the 88 episodes
of your show,
506
00:20:44,986 --> 00:20:46,661
maybe it's not
good enough for us.
507
00:20:49,231 --> 00:20:51,474
Could you guys
do me a favor and laugh
508
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:53,567
like I'm telling you
a hilarious story?
509
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,068
-(laughing)
-See?
510
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,662
I get a flashback, too.
511
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,465
I don't see nothing shimmering.