The princess nodded, and the frog said,
"That which you have promised, you must perform."
Very good. Keep reading.
"So the princess leaned in and kissed the frog,
"but as she did, he became a handsome prince,
"and they rode off to his kingdom,
"where they lived happily ever after."
Happily ever after.
There's no such thing as "happily ever after."
Not for a real princess.
The prince my father wants me to marry will always be a frog.
My offer still stands. I will help you get to America.
- America? That's very kind.
But we're running out of time.
I know of a ship bound for America, but we must leave tonight.
- Leave tonight? - We must hurry, Princess.
Hurry, Princess.
Mung Goo Hi.
Zhou Hei.
Chow Lu.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's it.
Okay. Great. Great. Okay.
Come here. Look at this. Spent a lot of time on this.
Now, pay attention, 'cause I don't want any mistakes.
Now, I've calculated the speed of the train and the speed of our horses.
We meet at this vector. The only variable is the wind.
Technically, if you travel over here on the horses...
Is this the train?
All right. We're just gonna wing it, like we always do.
Ride down, jump on the train,
hoorah the money, head back to the cathouse, all right?
- Mmm-hmm. - Let's go. Come on. Move out. Go!
You okay? Nervous? It's all right to be nervous when you're new.
You'll be okay. I'll keep an eye on you.
All you gotta do is follow my lead. All right, look alive, outlaws!
"So the princess leaned in and kissed the frog,
"but as she did, he became a handsome prince,
"and they rode off to his kingdom,
"where they lived happily ever after."
Reach for the sky, ladies and gentlemen!
Touch that gun and I'll blow your goddamn head off!
What are you doin'?
I sorta like to be the only guy that talks, Wallace.
- All right. I'm sorry. - That's okay. That's okay. Good.
Don't worry. Come on, come on. Big 'Un, let's go.
Why is the new guy talking? Where did you get this guy?
You know I'm the only one who talks. Okay, everybody keep calm.
You think you're gonna shoot me? Is that right?
What you got right in here? Yeah, you got this gun?
You think you're gonna do something with that gun?
Come on, lady bird. You got anything besides yarn?
You got it out for me! - Hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No.
Come here. Come here. We don't steal from women.
Get over here. Take that side.
Give me your hand. Give me your hand.
I'm so sorry about that. I apologize.
First time you've seen an outlaw?
Scared? Kind of excited, too?
All mixed up? Yeah.
Last train we robbed, we were naked, it was so hot out.
Ooh! That was somethin'.
Yeah, it's got my initials right there.
What are you lookin' at?
Wait! Stop! Where did you get this guy?
- Texas. - Texas? Are you insane?
Just shoot me now, 'cause I don't understand what we're doing here.
Sir, sir, sir, sir. Come here, come here, come here. Sit down.
- Excuse me. - Sir, sit down.
What happened?
- Wallace, what are you doing? - I'm just wingin' it.
No! That's not how we wing it!
No more winging it! Stop! Come on, Big 'Un.
You've lost your "winging it" privileges.
Damn.
Damn!
Who killed my uncle? Who did this?
Give me the dynamite. Give me the dynamite.
No, no, no, no. You stay here. You don't get to come.
- Keep an eye on wing nut. - Hey, Blue, looky here!
Okay.
Who killed my uncle?
What in the hell is this, the Orient Express?
- Get him! - Come here!
What? Hey! The safe's getting ready to blow!
Get ready to reap the fruits of our labor.
Move it! Let's go!
Roy, you just blew the shit out of our fruits.
Oh, shit.
We got a Chinaman to catch.
Stop! Stop!
Stop! Stop! Turn around!
Turn around!
What the...
- Who are you? Hey, Roy!
Don't you worry about a thing! I got you covered!
No! No!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Roll, baby, roll!
Reach for the sky, O'Bannon! It's my gang now!
I don't understand.
You said your friend had a large estate.
He does.
- What exactly does he do? - Well, you could say
he's a philanthropist.
He helps Chinese immigrants get back on their feet.
Welcome to America, Princess.
Lo Fong.
Forgive me if I do not bow.
Calvin, this man is a trai...
Traitor.
Why? Because he ran away from the Forbidden City?
Your reward is on the table, Mr. Andrews.
Well, now you're gonna have to double it, or I'm gonna kill her.
One thing about the Chinese, Mr. Andrews...
Aah!
We do not renegotiate.
Whatever you think I'm going to do for you,
you're wrong.
It was just like a nightmare.
You wouldn't believe it if I told you.
My gang left me in the desert.
I felt like all the other cowboys hated my guts.
Everyone was... I just missed you. I missed all of you.
We missed you, too, Roy.
I think it's medication time.
Come here, devil woman.
Oh. Mmm.
Oh! Ooh, that's naughty.
Ohh. Ow, careful. Careful with that.
Ow, ow. Careful. Ow.
Ow. Aaaah!
Holy crap! The vultures are eating my head!
Aaaah! Aaaah!
Help! Help! My gang buried me!
They left me for dead!
Ooh! Ooh.
Oh, thank heavens. I thought you were a mirage.
- Oh, come on. Water. - You.
- You killed my uncle! - Bull!
That was Wallace all the way.
- He was one of your bandits. - He wasn't part of my gang.
He was a new guy. He's crazy as a road lizard.
- You deserve to die. - Hold on a second.
You know what no one's saying here?
I had a chance to kill you on that train, and I chose not to.
'Cause I'm not a barbarian.
- Hey! Where are you going? - Carson City.
I'm closer to diggin' myself to China than you are to gettin' to Carson City.
- Hey! - Which way?
Hey, that's better. Dig me out and I'll show you.
Which way?
You see the mountains over there?
Carson City is on the other side.
All right, dig me out. I kept my end of the bargain.
Dig me out.
Dig.
Hey! Hey!
- Come on! - Don't talk. Just dig.
Aargh!
Hey!
Where is Carson City?
- How. - How.
- How. How. How. How. - How.
I thought you might be hungry.
You were wrong.
You would find me a much better host
if we could come to some sort of an arrangement.
An arrangement?
Like the one you have with the slaves working on this rail road?
These people are free to leave.
What do you want with me?
Once I have the emperor's gold, my work will be complete.
Princess.
I think it is time for you to be among your people.
They don't look like any lnjuns I ever seen, Jedediah.
That's because they're not lnjuns, woman!
They're Jews!
You, stay.
Fellas, get a load of this.
How.
Is this Carson City?
No, this ain't Carson City, Chief.
You're gonna have to get your firewater somewhere else.
All right, Roy, ante up.
And stay out!
You bounce back fast, kimosabe.
Ow.
What are you doin' here? I thought you were going to Carson City.
You! You gave me bad directions!
No, I gave you wrong directions.
You want your toothpicks back?
You got a lot of nerve, comin' in here with that...
Give it back to me!
Ain't that somethin'?
Take your hand off me.
- Ohh! - Ohh!
Hey, I just want to go to Carson City!
Whoa, whoa!
You're goin' for a ride!
Aaah! Aaah!
No!
Yes! Yes!
No! No!
Sorry! I'm sorry!
You!
- Who in the hell started this? - The Chinaman.
Let me out! Give me the book back!
I have to go to Carson City
to rescue the princess!
You've got the wrong person! I don't belong here!
Hey!
Keep goin' with the Chinese.
That's workin'. They're about to let you out.
Give me the book back!
For cryin' out loud, just give him the book back, please.
If it'll give us some peace and quiet...
- Open it up! - Forget about it.
They're not givin' you the book back.
- Drop the book. - I wasted enough time with you.
What? You've wasted enough time with me?
- What about me? - Give me the book!
- Listen for a second. Stop! - Give me the book! Hey!
Listen! Stop! You're not in the East, okay?
You're not in China. This is the West. The sun doesn't rise here, it sets here,
and you're closer to getting us hung
than you are getting that book back, okay?
Now, just... I like that.
That's what I'm talking about. You're wound so tight.
You're the most irritable guy I've ever been around. Just relax for a second.
Take ten minutes, and then you can go back to screaming, I promise.
I'll join you. Okay, just relax for a second.
Come on, sit down.
Come on.
Just relax.
Is that relaxed?
You look sort of rigid there.
You know what? We got off on the wrong foot.
Let's try to start again.
Man, you sure can fight.
I've never seen anything like that.
It was...
I'm trying to give you a compliment.
You're not still mad about me pointin' you in the wrong direction, are you?
Come on. You gotta be able to laugh at stuff like that.
Like me in the desert.
I don't hold any grudges. I laugh about it.
I'm not angry at you. You just left me there with chopsticks to die.
Roy, all by his lonesome. Just me and the buzzards pic:kin' at my head.
You're a very silent man, aren't you?
You weren't expecting to see old Roy in that bar, were you?
Be honest. Were you? Huh?
Did you really use those chopsticks?
You better believe it.
Now you laugh. That's funny. I gotta remember that one.
So, who are you?
I'm Imperial Guard to the Emperor of China.
China.
- What's with the book? - The book belongs to Princess Pei Pei.
- Who? - Princess Pei Pei.
She was kidnapped from the Forbidden City.
Forbidden City? I like that, the Forbidden City.
A princess kidnapped. It's so mysterious. Oh, go ahead.
The emperor sent us to get her back.
Us? You mean your friends from the train?
They are also Imperial Guards.
They have four days to bring the gold to Carson City.
- What gold? - The gold for the princess.
The gold... Was the gold on the train?
Yes.
How much gold?
One hundred thousand pieces.
Sir? Sir? Could you hand us that book, please?
Sir, there's been a mistake. He has...
Sir... Yeah.
We're gonna get that book, and we're gonna get you out of here.
- You help me escape? - Shh. Yes.
- Why? - Why? I'm gonna tell you why.
Because there are some things in this world that are just wrong,
and stealing a princess is one of them.
Yeah. That's wrong.
I'll tell you another thing.
I feel guilty about leading you up that mountain.
What was I thinking? How much time did we waste there?
That was stupid. It wasn't funny. All right?
Now, sit tight and let me figure this out.
All right, come on, Roy.
Maybe... Maybe I pretend to be sick,
then attack the guards when they come in.
Okay, you mean the sick prisoner routine?
Yeah. Does that still work in China?
'Cause here it's sorta been done to death.
- I have another idea. - No, no, no, no, no.
Here's how you help me.
You stay on your side of the room, let me figure it out over here.
Okay, you play over there.
Think. Think. What do we got here? Oh, yeah.
Okay.
We got wood. We got a wall made out of wood.
That's good. Oh, we got pillows.
We got pillows, sheets. We got the sheets and the mattress.
Okay, let's put it all together. Let's think. Add it up, add it up.
What do we got? What do we got?
What are you doing? Stop! Stop!
- What are you doing? - Shh.
- Hold this for me. - No, no. That's your shirt. You hold it.
I like your energy, but I'm not with you.
When the shirt gets wet, it doesn't break.
I don't know what that means.
And then...
Okay. And then what... Then with the wet shirt, you...
You bend the bars. That's the payoff.
Don't waste my time with stuff like that, okay?
A 2,000-year-old civilization, that's all you can come up with?
Shame on you. Shame on you.
Come on. Stop, please. It's embarrassing.
- See? I told you so. - No, you said, "Wet shirt don't break,"
not "Piss shirt bend bar."
- Twist it. - Help.
Okay, there. Get it. There you go.
Just one more. Yeah.
You're as strong as an ox! Go! You can do it!
There, you got it! We're gettin' it!
- Hold it for me. I'll get through. - Okay.
No, no, no. You hold it and I'll go through.
No! Not your hand! Stop.
- Hold it. - Adios, sucker.
- What? - I'm just kidding. Come on. Go.
I wouldn't leave my old pal there.
Go. Really squeeze.
No, no, no, no. Grab this, grab that.
Work your magic right here.
- Too dry. - What? Juice it up. Juice it up. Go.
I can't! No more!
Ah, damn it.
Come on out, little Roy. Work your magic.
- Hurry up. I’m trying, I'm trying.
- Stop! Don't look at me. - Relax!
- Relax. It'll come. - Thanks.
- That helps. Yeah. Good. - Is that called relax?
Whoa!
Sheriff! Oh, thank God you're here. Get the guns!
- Get my book! - I got it!
Who's the pretty lady?
- That's my wife. - How long you been in this country?
- Four days. - Nice work.
Hello.
Come on. Let's adios, partner.
Hyah!
Well, best of luck to you.
Guess this is what your people call sayonara.
Looks like Fido's giving you some problems there.
You want me to, uh, give you a hand?
- No, I can do it. - Sure, you can.
How is a greenhorn like you gonna make it to Carson City
and rescue this princess?
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I can't take it anymore. Watch me do it.
Get it like this and you put it up high.
See? It'll drift back when you're riding.
- All right, I'll do it. - Do what?
Take you to Carson City, help you rescue Princess "Pee Pee."
Pei Pei. You do not care about the princess.
You don't know me very well, do you?
Tell you one thing,
I'd hate to think of an innocent member of Chinese nobility suffering.
Tell you that.
You people believe in karma over there, right?
Well, I've been thinking.
There must be a reason why we keep running into each other.
I've ridden with some terrible men, just people I couldn't trust.
But when I look at you,
there's something different about you, and I can see it.
I can see it in your eyes.
It's what the Indians call Chippichawa.
- What's that? - Chippichawa is nobility.
And you have it in spades.
You've got yourself a partner. This has nothing to do with gold, okay?
Shake on it.
Why you spitting in your hand?
Well, it's customary, to seal the deal.
Come on. Let's go.
This is gonna be a long journey.
You boys take care now, you hear? Shalom.
- Shalom. - Oh. Let's go.
Yee-haw! God damn!
Looks like y'all had a twister touch down in here.
Roy O'Bannon and his partner come through town.
Roy O'Bannon?
Roy O'Bannon ain't got no partner, friend. Roy O'Bannon is dead.
He ain't dead.
He busted out of jail last night with the Shanghai Kid.
Shanghai Kid? Roy got a new gang goin'?
That son of a bitch. That two-timin' son of a bitch!
He double-crossed us with that Chinaman from the damn train!
Just like that. See, at kind of a rakish angle.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. - How do I look?
I think you look great. I think you look like a real cowboy.
Very dapper, red bandana.
Roy O'Bannon.
- My name is Chon Wang. - John Wayne?
Chon Wang.
- That's a terrible cowboy name. - Why?
No, come on, that's not gonna work. That's horrible.
- That's so bad. And so's the ponytail. - No!
It doesn't look that bad, actually.
Never touch my queue.
That killed! OW.
- We have to go to Carson City. - Okay.
Now, before we go to Carson City, I want to teach you some stuff.
Come on.
You just follow me.
- What's that? - Sensitivity. Increased reflexes.
Now, these are guns. These can be your best friend or worst enemy.
That's a spin in my left hand. That's a spin in my right hand.
That's two spins. Now, here, I'm gonna let you hang onto this.
See? Be careful. Always be ready. Always be ready.
Now, try to exhale for long-range shots,
inhale for short-range.
All right, now cover up your ears, 'cause this could be loud.
Cover up your ears.
I am like a wild horse. You can't tame me.
You put the oats in the pen, though, and I'll come in for a nibble every clay.
But if you ever shut that gate,
I'll jump the fence. You'll never see me again.
Thing about your husband, and this is nothing against him,
because I really like him,
he comes from a very male-dominated society.
Because I wanna be a cowboy, baby
With the top down and the sunshine shinin'
Cowboy, baby
West coast chillin' with the Boon's wine Gonna be a cowboy, baby
Ridin' at night 'cause I sleep all day
Cowboy, baby
I can smell a pig from a mile away
Let me put it this way,
my horse is definitely not my best friend.
That's why they call me a cowboy, baby
With the top down and the sunshine shinin'
Cowboy, baby
Now, people start looking at you funny,
all you gotta say is, "Howdy, partner."
Howdy, partner?
Faster than that or people will think you're slow in the head.
- Howdy, partner. Howdy, partner.
- Just follow my lead. Howdy, partner. - Howdy, partner.
- Just park it right there.
It's not working.
Some people aren't as tolerant as I am. Not very friendly today.
John, what are you...
- John... - Ow. Hurt.
Okay. We gotta work on that.
Here you go, John. Straighten up here.
- Roy, it hurts so bad. - I know, John,
but I'm not gonna walk with you if you walk like that.
I'll be okay.
- Hey, Roy. It's you. - Holy shit!
I'm a wanted man. Look at this! Five hundred bucks!
- That's a lot of money. - Let me see.
- Nice picture. - Careful, careful.
Wow, look at this. Do you know what this means?
- This will drive the girls crazy. - Really?
Yes, really. Come on, let's get a couple more of these.
- It's not bad. - I'm wanted, too!
- What? - This.
Oh, come on. That's not right.
I know. I'm not from Shanghai.
No! $1,000 for a sidekick?
- You gotta be kidding me. - Be careful.
Justice system's all screwed up.
Man can't even ride a horse,
and that's a really cool nickname, Shanghai Kid.
It's like, got a snap to it that...
Uh-oh, trouble. John, come here. Get over here.
Tie 'em up over here, fellas.
Get in here.
- What's going on? - Shh.
Oh.
Howdy, partner.
Oh, my God, it's a posse. They can't be looking for us.
- What's "posse"? - Oh, I think they're passing us by.
It looked like Marshal Nathan Van Cleef, the psychotic killer.
Roy O'Bannon! This is Marshal Nathan Van Cleef.
- Ohh! - We know you're hidin' in there.
Oh, God, it is him. It is him.
Why don't you throw down your six-shooters
and come out with your hands up.
And that goes for the scum you're ridin' with, too.
- He won. - Roy, Roy, it's okay.
No, it's not okay! Stop! You don't know this guy!
Let me talk to them.
Remember, we have to save the princess.
What are you doin'? Stop!
- Go easy, fellas. - Why are they shooting at me?
What happened to "Mr. Shanghai Kid"? "Oh, I'm a wanted man"?
- Why? - 'Cause you're an outlaw.
- I am not an outlaw! - Stop! You're a bad guy!
Look at that poster. What does that say?
Drives girls crazy.
Drives girls crazy? Drives the posse crazy.
Makes them want to hang you,
string you up, because you're a bad guy.
- You got 20 seconds... - God! Give us a minute!
Go around back, gentlemen.
Make sure he isn't trying to pull the saddle over our eyes.
Remember, I want the Chinaman alive.
I'm not a bad guy.
You're a bad guy. You're with me, you're a bad guy.
Hey, you put me in this situation!
- I'm the good guy, you're the bad guy! - No! We're both bad guys!
No, only you're the bad guy! You go out there and tell them!
No! I'm not going out there! You go out there!
No, you have to go!
- Did I just do that? - Not bad.
I don't know karate, but I know "crazy," and I will use it.
What the hell is going on in there?
You Okay?
You just threw me through a window.
You got that gold?
What? Gold? What gold?
Wrong answer.
Wait. I'm... I'm unarmed. I'm unarmed!
No gun. Hold on, no gun. I don't...
I'm unarmed! You can't shoot an unarmed man.
- Don't worry. I help you. No, John. No, no.
John! John...
Fight with honor. You will win.
Are you frickin' insane?
Is that what they teach you in Imperial Guard School?
- What... - Pick 'em up.
MANI Well.
If it ain't the Shanghai Kid.
How about we make the Kid dance?
Oh, come on! You can do better than that.
You robbed the wrong train, son.
- Look, Marshal, I think that if... - Just shut up and put on your guns.
This is serious, you know?
We don't come back from this.
That's the general idea.
What the hell you doin'?
Stop procrastinating. Come on. Hurry up, son.
Stop it! I'm not gonna let you cheapen it. All right?
This is a duel. It's a sacred thing.
It's beautiful. It's what separates us from the animals.
- Mmm. - Oh, yeah.
Whew! I do not envy you. You ready?
Why don't you turn and face me like a man?
Why don't you do it your way and I'll do it my way? How about that?
Oh, come on, Roy. You can do it.
Oh, no, you can't. He's gonna kill you.
- One. - He's gonna blow you away.
Come on, Roy. Don't think like that.
Two.
Oh, yeah. Be positive.
Be the bullet. Be the lead bullet.
- I'm about to die. Three.
Roy!
Duel's off!
Roy!
You blew it, John!
Never interrupt a man in the middle of a duel.
I had him. That's what kills me. I had him! I had him!
Now you know how it feels to haul you around in that sedan chair.
I will never bow to you.
Take a good look at these faces.
If you attempt to escape,
I will kill one worker every hour
until you are found.
Starting with this one.
Do not let him see you suffer.
I know who you are.
Please, tell no one.
You call this a special hideout?
Yes, it is, John.
It's also a good place to gather intelligence,
'cause no one passes through Carson City
without these people hearing about it.
Would you ask them about the princess?
Yes, sir, I will.
And I don't care how ugly it gets.
I'm not gonna rest until I've pumped
everybody in there for information, okay?
- Hi, Roy. Hello, ladies.
Roy.
Make way for a couple of desperados.
Nice to see you again, Mr. O'Bannon.
Greetings. Hello. Roy.
Oh, yeah, we're gonna get some information here. Trust me.
This is not a proper hiding place.
Oh, come on, John. Let's relax for a little bit.
- Here, have a drink. - No. I wanna find the princess.
So do I, but we can't exactly go door to door in Carson City looking for her.
- Don't forget, we're wanted men. - Only because of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything's my fault.
So, what's the princess like?
John, what's the princess like? Is she pretty?
- Is she a pain in the neck? - You are not fit to talk about her.
John, you better remember where you are.
This is the West. It's not the East. Remember?
And the sun may rise where I come from...
Blah, blah, blah. I know.
Good. You remember.
- Is she single? - What?
Is she single? Is she married? Is she available?
Only to a member of the Imperial family.
Are you a member of the Imperial family? I don't think so.
Was that a joke, John? That was a joke.
John, that was your first joke. We gotta have a toast. Your first joke.
- Yes. - No.
Yes. Come on. Drink.
- Just one. - Okay.
But don't talk about the princess anymore.
Word of honor.
Be fun to play a drinking game.
You know any Chinese drinking games?
No.
Every country has a drinking game. You must know one.
Just one?
- Uno mas? - Uno... What?
- One more. Uno mas. - Okay.
No! I lost? One more.
Oh. no! Oh, yeah!
I'm so lost, John.
90% of the time, I don't even know
what I'm doin' out here in the West.
Terrible outlaw.
- No, you're a good outlaw. - Stop, please. I'm a screw-up.
- No, I am screw-up. Look at my scar. - No.
One for arriving late at a guard duty.
One for dropping fighting stick. You good. I saw you.
The only thing I'm good at is talking.
- It's true. - John.
- Huh? - Take your hand off me, John.
Oh.
One more game?
No. No more drinking. That's it.
- Uno mas? - No mas, John. No mas.
Roy?
- Are you coming? - Fifi?
Uno mas?
{BURPS)
So, who's your funny-looking friend?
I don't know.
He's this crazy Imperial Guard I met.
He's... He's really funny.
The guy's hysterical.
We were just playing... Did you see us? We were just playing that game.
John's going...
And I was going...You can't really understand what he's saying, but...
Roy? Roy? I never figured you for riding with a Chinaman.
Well, I'm not exactly riding with him, Fifi.
He's not my friend, you know. I mean, he's a Chinaman.
Well, that's good.
I mean... And you really...
Were you guys talking about who he was?
Let's talk about something else.
Don't you look delicious?
What's going on? - Well.
- You! - if it isn't the Shanghai Kid.
Here.
Thank you.
Ahh. Thank you.
Uno mas?
John, come on. We gotta get going.
- The marshal's downstairs. - No, no, Marshal's in there.
Oh, man, John. What'd you do to him?
- Come on. Let's get going. - No!
I don't wanna ride with you.
Come on, John. Damn, you're a mean drunk.
- Hi, horsey! - All right. Shh, shh, shh.
- All right, it's time for a "yee-haw." - Yee-what?
Shh, shh, shh. Roy O'Bannon special.
We jump off, land on the back of the horse, yell "yee-haw"
and ride off, all right?
Watch me and do exactly as I do it. Yee-haw!
Okay, hyah! Hyah!
- Hyah! Where's the head? - John!
John, get up!
Tie 'em up.
What happened to my horse? Is he dead?
No, but we are, John.
Hi, horsey. You sleeping? - Get up.
Hmm.
Mighty impressive hardware you're packin'.
Why don't you get your eyes off my package, you twisted son of a bitch.
- I hope that's him leaving. - Your turn.
Thank you, Mr. Van Cleef.
Well, well. What have we here?
Mr. O'Bannon, I presume.
Can I get a drink of water? I got cotton mouth. Aah!
Don't mention it.
And this must be the famous Shanghai Kid.
- Chon Wang? - Lo Fong?
You remember your old comrade-in-arms?
- Hmm? - I remember a traitor.
I'm sensing some bad blood here.
- Where is the gold? - Where's Princess Pei Pei?
Stop.
Come on. We're men. We're not pinatas.
Okay? And we're really hungover. We're not trying to be tough guys.
You wanna talk about the gold, let's talk about the gold.
So, you have my gold?
- Your gold? - Yes, we have the gold.
- Then where is it? - The gold's in a safe place.
Is he telling the truth?
No.
Ow!
Nice, John. Way to go. Way to think on your feet.
He cannot lie. He is bound by Imperial decree.
Imperial decree.
When are you gonna learn
you're not in China anymore?
He will never learn. He can only follow orders.
At least I still have my honor.
Slaves have no honor.
No! No! - Hey!
Now you can never go back to China.
You blew it. You blew it, man.
You do not want to cut his hair off, trust me.
Nothing personal, boys.
My loyalty is to the emperor.
Yeah, John, I heard all about the emperor.
Must be a hell of a man.
He's only 12.
Are you kidding me? You're sitting here with a noose around your neck,
ready to die for someone whose balls haven't even dropped?
By virtue of the authority vested in me through the territory of Nevada,
I do hereby order these men to hang by their necks
until their feet quit kicking.
You're goin' to hell, boys,
and your horses are taking you there.
Tighten 'em up.
Hang 'em! Hang 'em!
Hang 'em! Hang 'em! Hang 'em!
Hey! Watch it, you little punk.
Hang 'em! Hang 'em! Hang 'em! Hang 'em!
John, what are you doing?
Uh...
What the hell is goin' on here? Stop those horses!
Stop them!
Pull it! Pull it!
I'm back
I'm back in the saddle again
Help me!
I'm back
in the saddle again
Well, don't just stand there! Go after them!
Will you listen to this creek, John?
I've never noticed what a beautiful melody a creek makes.
I've never taken the damn time.
Look at these mountains and these trees.
Hell, look at these green trees.
Come here. I don't even know the names...
We're gonna learn the names of these green trees. Come here.
I want you to look at these.
Can we not... John, what are you doing?
Are you still worried about your hair?
John, listen to me. You're very vain.
By the time you're 70, your queue, your ponytail,
will be as good as new.
- What are you doing? - I'm leaving.
Can we not take two seconds, John? We just cheated death.
Come on. Let's look at these mountains for a second.
Okay, let me get my stuff.
- God, you're unbelievable. - I'm going alone.
What are you... John, what are you talking about?
- I heard you. - You heard me. Okay.
At Goldie's.
You said I wasn't your friend.
John...
Hold on a second, John. I was talking to a girl.
It was...That's taken out of context.
- That's not... - Roy.
You were right. How could I ever be your friend?
I'm just a Chinaman.
Hold on, John. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to...
Sayonara, Roy.
Wait here.
Please.
You have come a long way.
I hope the princess you seek is worthy of such devotion.
It is my duty to bring her home.
I even brought her favorite book.
That's very kind of you.
But what if you found the princess
and she did not wish to go back to the Forbidden City?
Why would she want to stay here?
Maybe she can do more for the people here
than she could back in China.
Princess Pei Pei.
Please, don't draw attention.
Please. Stand up!
Princess, you have to come with me.
I cannot. Fong cannot find me missing.
Princess, I cannot leave you here.
Please, stand up!
Don't bow! Get up!
Get up!
You must go.
If I leave, Fong will begin to kill the others.
It is my duty to bring you home.
I command you to go.
Go!
Reach for the sky, baldy!
That's right. It's Roy.
Am I interrupting?
I followed you. So what?
What am I supposed to do, let you wander off? You're a greenhorn.
You'll get killed out here.
Come on! We gotta adios out of here, partner! Come on!
Hyah! You gotta stick with me.
Don't forget, we got a princess to save.
Give my regards to the emperor, Princess.
- Chon Wang? - Chon Wang?
Chon Wang?
That's right, Johnny Wayne is here.
Hey, it's me.
Why did you cut his hair?
I tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen.
Go on, drop the gun.
Now, slide it over.
Is that her?
She's pretty.
Grab her.
Come on. We'll take it from here, guys.
John, what... John, get up.
What are you... I thought we were past this.
Come on, John.
Do you see? He will always be a slave.
This is the West,
not the East.
And the sun may rise
where we come from,
but here is where it sets.
You want me to translate? The princess stays.
I grab the gold, you marry the princess.
We both hang Fong, call it a day. Mission accomplished.
Well, well.
Nice to see we're all churchgoers.
Son of a bitch! With my own guns!
Sweet, ain't it?
How about that? It's a Mexican standoff.
Only we ain't got no Mexicans.
No!
Princess Pei Pei!
- I hit you? No.
But you're gettin' really close.
You've almost killed me, like, 17 times already.
Eighteen, 19, 20!
You're on fire today!
How do you survive out here?
What's that supposed to mean? These aren't my...
These guns are really weird.
Oh, man.
Stay low!
Maybe we should let bygones be bygones.
You got off some good shots.
I got off some good ones. Let's call it a tie.
What's the matter, O'Bannon? Out of bullets?
No, I got one left.
Tell you what I'll do.
I'll take out all my bullets but one.
And that way, we'll be even. How's that?
Okay. That sounds fair.
You'd do that for me?
Oh, yeah.
You bet I would.
We come out on three.
Okay, but... But let me count.
Fight with honor. Okay.
Fight with... Okay. One!
Two! Two and a half!
Two and seven-eighths!
Three!
How the hell did that happen?
It's a miracle.
I am invincible.
Roy!
Invincible!
- Now it's time for you to die. - Adios, partner.
Wow.
Roy!
He took the gold.
Is that all you care about, is the gold?
Shame on you.
There's more to life than money. I hope you learn that one day.
What happened?
What? Nothing, nothing. I just killed him. How'd you do?
How?
What do you mean, how? I shot him with my gun.
Come on. Tell me the truth.
It was unbelievable. You missed a miracle. I had one bullet left.
He had, like, a million left.
He lied to me and told me that he only had one, too.
But... But when... But when he...
- She's staying? - Yes.
- Can I stand? - Yes.
Reach for the sky, O'Bannon!
That's my line. He stole my gang, he's stealing my lines.
- That's unbelievable. - Roy! Roy!
Get back!
Stop, stop. It's Wallace.
Hey, ROY,
we know you been moonlightin' on us with that old yellow fella from the train!
You guys, you stay here. This isn't your battle.
No, we stick together. We are partners.
That's beautiful.
You go out the back door.
- No. - Don't worry, Princess.
I promise you, I will see you again.
That which you have promised,
you must perform.
- Get out of the way! - Why?
- Come on! - Why? What are you...
- What are you doing? Are you crazy? - No, John, stop, stop.
They can't touch me.
Something happened back there. it was a miracle.
There's no way...
Hey, smart-ass! Do you hear me?
Time's up, O'Bannon! It's the end of the line!
We can take these guys.
Yep, we can take them.
Are you comin' out or ain't you?
Gun.
You really are the Shanghai Kid.
Nice riding with you, partner.
We go out on three. I count.
No, I count.
We'll both count.
One, two, three!
- lndians! Look out! - No! My family! My family!
- Friends. Brothers! Roy!
I gotta tell ya, we always figured you for a dumbshit,
but, uh, we was thinkin' maybe you wanna come back and rejoin the gang.
- So, uh, what do you say? Yeah, what do you say?
I think I'm just gonna wing it.
All right.
And you are goin' to jail. - That works, too.
How, kimosabe!
Oh, it's nice to be standing here next to you.
I don't think I've ever gotten a chance to thank you for...
For saving us so many times.
I wish you could understand what... I feel like there's this gap between us.
It's like, I'm a cowboy, you're an Indian.
You say "Wampum," I say "money."
At a certain point, I just think...
Shut up, Roy. You talk too much.
Did... Did... She just...
There she is, right on time, carrying a big, fat payroll.
Oh.
I don't know if I'll ever get used to this one.
Don't worry. You'll get used to it.
I can guarantee you, we won't get half as many girls being lawmen.
I know we're spoken for, but...
You never know what's gonna happen in a relationship.
I gotta get rid of my outlaw name. That's not gonna work anymore.
Really? What would you call yourself?
I don't know. I mean, my real name's Wyatt Earp, but...
Earp? That's a terrible name for a cowboy.
- Why? - Bad.
- Really? - Bad!
And John Wayne's a great cowboy name?
Roy, look.
There they are.
Yep. Look at those amateurs. That's my move!
Come on, Roy. Let's go say "howdy."
Let's go! Hyah! Hyah!
- Yee-haw! - Yee-haw!
Scene up.
That which you have promised, you must perform.
Hello.
He was part of your "rushimiant..."
What? Regiment.
He's one of your bandits.
He's one of your... He's one of your...
He was part of your regiment of "dentists."
Bandits. Dentists?
WOW! Shit!
He didn't teeth brush this morning.
- Lose this thing, too, I'm gonna cut off... - No!
I can't do stunts, man.
Because I'm gonna be a cowboy, baby
What's this princess like?
I got air bubbles coming out of my thing.
Uno mas, please.
Uno mas...
Thanks, Fido.
One, two, three!
Shit!
Thank you so much, Princess. You're so good.
Princess! Oh, I love you so much.
I'm talking to you! Turn around!
Ask me if I give a shit.
I might walk a little funny but my walk is me
I might stutter when I talk but I say what I see
I don't agree with every other little thing that's proven
I do a lot of things that I shouldn't be doin'
I ruin everything you might've had in mind
I'm a consistent, belligerent solidified mind
Rhinestone freak Suburban style
I ain't got no money and I got no car
I might make par if it don't take much
I gotta ride very far 'cause I ride on luck
I stay pretty stuck in a rut like I should
And I do it for the love of everything's that's still good
I don't know why I come here
But I know I'll never leave
It's the only place I wanna be
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I don't know why I come here
But I know I'll never leave
It's the only place I wanna be
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm a long way gone but I ain't short-lived
I got knee-deep pockets that leak like a sieve
I give one tenth throughout the course of the night
And if I don't go home then I did things right
I'd like to settle down but I ain't that guy
'Cause everything I ever did I always did on the fly
I stay stuck in the rut like I should
You know, I do it for the love of everything that's still good
I don't know why I come here
But I know I'll never leave
It's the only place I wanna be
Yeah, yeah, yeah