[Cell door clangs]
Single file.
Stay to the right of the line.
Take your time.
Take a good look.
Hey, um, are you sure they can't see us?
One-way mirror, ma'am.
Picture, in 3...2...1.
[Camera shutter snaps]
* girls hit back *
* when you least expect *
* where you most regret it *
* girls think they're misunderstood *
* but I know goddamned well *
* all the things they do they do to nerve me *
* I don't mean to say it *
* but somebody needs to put an end to girls *
* wish I didn't need them *
a heinous crime has been committed here.
Should you decide that your testimony
might jeopardize your personal safety--
look, sipowicz, i said I'd tell you everything.
I was just hoping we could finish this up before menopause kicks in.
Let's start with the one that thinks her butt don't stink...
Diane Weston.
She's like a damn poster child for high school.
Morning, sunshine.
Remember, these are the best days of your life.
So far.
Lisa: she's the "a" squad captain.
She stole that title from me.
You should charge her with that.
Woman: alright, let's take it from the top.
Man: and one, and two, and one, and two...
One, and two--
hi, Bruce. You look cute.
Tommy hilfiger.
I'm hoping 4th year's the charm.
Heh.
Outta my way, Bruce. I'm up.
[Cries]
Lisa... is that you?
I lost a little weight.
Wow.
This really should've been my year.
I had a lot of work done.
I mean, I had done a lot of work over the summer.
You could tell i made her nervous.
But they have to, you know, spread the talent around, so...
I've been on the "b" squad for 4 years.
Now, the squad as a whole...
They're closer than Carolina cousins.
I mean, some people say they're like cousins or something,
but that's just mostly the egg-offs in band.
Truth is they're so close
they all get their monthly visit from aunt Rose
at the same time.
This one's Hannah wald.
She's like this uberchristian,
doesn't really say much.
In fact, if she wasn't kind of pretty,
you'd go, "hey, who's the tart?"
Then there's Cleo Miller.
Number one: not a real c-cup.
I've been in the locker room.
And number 2...
She has to see the school shrink.
She's completely obsessed
with conan o'brien.
Miller: dreams?
You mean like where I'm in conan's all-leather apartment?
Heh. I mean, i don't know if he has one,
but that's why it's a dream.
And suddenly, we're buck-naked and all oiled up.
I don't know where the oil comes from,
but, again, that's why it's a dream.
Lisa: then there's Kansas hill, the original bad seed.
Son of a blue-balled bitch, i always get this one!
Mouth on her could stop a bull in heat.
She gets her brain from her mother.
Kansas' mom's been in prison
ever since the day she was born.
She was just lying there, in labor with Kansas,
when she hears something going on in the next bed.
Turns out it's Kansas's dad
taking a nurse's temperature.
Stay with me. I'm trying to be delicate.
Anyway, she whips out a shotgun
and blows his ass to kingdom come.
So, she got life without parole
and now Kansas lives with her grandparents.
And then there's Lucy.
Geek extraordinaire.
A walking left brain.
She's supposed to have this genius IQ, but the truth is
she's an obsessive-compulsive little freak.
Ok, hands in, ladies.
Today, we're gonna cheer loud,
jump high, and look pretty because...
All: cheerleaders kick...
Let's get going, 'cause no one ever got ahead
by sitting on their behind.
* oh, yeah *
Lisa: school year started off like normal.
Principal Smith gave his pep talk.
Smith: if you are approached to buy drugs,
let someone you trust know.
If you are thinking of harming yourself,
or others...
Let someone know.
If it burns when you urinate,
have milky seepage,
or are being touched by an uncle,
let someone know.
Uhh.
Girl: come on, you guys!
Let's hear it for the Lincoln "a" squad!
[Cheering]
Lisa, voice-over: "A" squad? Right.
I was doing better dance numbers in grade school.
It really burned my toast.
[Gary glitter's rock and roll, part two]
[Clapping in unison]
Now, I know it's my duty to give you all the facts.
So I'm gonna have to say that their cheer blew
like a bulimic after Christmas dinner.
Their blatant disregard
for national high school cheerleading association rules
made me sick.
Basket toss flips and woolfall pyramids
over 2 people high are strictly prohibited.
Yeah!
I made a complete report and sent it in.
Crowd: hey! Go, Lincoln!
Hey! go, Lincoln!
Hey...go...lincoln!
And, finally, the moment we'd all been waiting for...
Man: transferring from Truman high,
the new star quarterback
of our mighty fightin' lincolns,
Jack bartlett!
Lisa: that's when Jack and Diane met.
Nobody saw it coming...
Especially not Jack.
[Crowd gasps]
Pffft! ha ha ha ha!
[No audio]
Jack was fine.
Oh, man, was he fine.
It was like he was a bar of chocolate
and the whole school was on the rag.
Everyone wanted a piece of him.
Jack bartlett.
Jack Bart-lett.
Jack bartlett.
Is Jack bartlett interested in me?
Girl: I'm sorry,
can someone else please run the board?
It's creepy, it's wrong, and it goes against the teachings
of my lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
Hannah, in order to get real answers from netherworld,
you've got to have a Christian virgin run the board.
Your kind is pure. The devil won't mess with you.
Well, uh, technically,
I don't think I'm a virgin anymore. What!
At church camp this summer, I'm pretty sure I had,
you know, my first orgasm.
Any sentence that starts with, "at church camp..."
Ain't leading to the big "o."
That's not true. Those pictures of Christ,
all sweaty and bare-chested on the cross,
always kinda made me hot.
I wanna know what happened.
Ok, well, one night around sunset,
I went horseback riding with the nuns.
They went every night.
And we're trotting pretty hard, you know?
All of a sudden, i feel--
I feel just super-alive, you know?
[Laughing]
Maybe I'll just ask the question myself.
Is Jack bartlett interested in me?
Hee.
He is.
Girl: hey, man, is this thing, like, on?
Ok, I'm just here to announce my candidacy
for the homecoming queen.
Uh, I plan to spread the word on 4-h.
It's all about the cows, man...
Lisa, voice-over: I'll be honest with you-- most of us realized
we didn't have a whore's chance in heaven with Jack,
the day of the candidate speeches.
Youth...
And agriculture.
4-h! 4-h rules!
[Smattering of applause]
Boy: thank you, sir.
Diane: good job.
[Feedback]
Um, as--as the a-v club candidate--
I think, for the-- for the first time in 50 years--
uh, we should-- we should say no.
We should say no to a football player as king.
Vote brains over brawn--
ha ha ha!
[Laughing]
Aw.
[Cheering]
Woo!
Lisa, voice-over: It was the first time
most of us even heard Jack speak.
Thanks, wow, heh heh.
We weren't disappointed.
Ok, guys. Hey, guys...
Would you shut up a minute?
[Cheering stops]
I was just joking.
[Laughter and applause]
Well, uh, I just think it really rocks
that the football team picked me as their
you know, um, candidate.
[Cheering]
Boys: woof, woof, woof.
Yeah!
Girls: we love you, Jack!
Well, I love you, too, lunch ladies.
I just wanna say that there's only 3 things i want in life--
to someday become a senator of this great state...
[Cheering]
I wanna lead the mighty fightin' lincolns
to victory at the homecoming game.
[Cheering]
Diane: alright!
Ow!
And, uh, I want to go to the homecoming dance
with Diane Weston.
[Audience gasps]
[Cheering]
Ha ha ha.
[Squealing]
Lisa: ugh, they were like friggin' Barbie and Ken,
but without the pink, remote-control corvette.
Overnight, people were going, like...
Ohh, they're the perfect couple.
They're so cute.
Lisa: I'm sure it gave the Internet whacks
something to talk about besides agent Scully
and their most recent wet dream.
Now, I'm not one to gossip...
But I think Jack and Diane got so close, so fast,
because they discovered how much they both loved...
Football.
Man, did they love their football.
Cheerleaders: hey, ho, let's go!
Hey, ho...
Lisa: I don't know about the "hey,"
but "ho" is right on the money.
If they'd asked,
I easily could've helped them with some new material.
Green 88! Green 88!
Set, hut.
* hey, ho *
* let's go *
* hey, ho *
* let's go *
woo-hoo!
I...love...you.
[Whistle blows]
Woo! woo, yeah!
Ha ha!
Yeah!
Yeah, baby.
Oof!
* hey, ho, let's go *
Lisa: right about here
is where it really started to hit the fan.
Don't worry, I'll clean this up a bit
if I have to appear in court.
Especially if we're on court TV.
[Gasps]
Excuse me, vendela, have you seen Diane?
Because we were supposed to go to the homecoming dance tonight.
[Kissing noises]
Oh.
Mmm.
Oh, baby.
Mmm. oh!
Oh! oh!
Aw, look at this.
[All talking excitedly]
Oh, my, look at that.
Look at those two.
Alright. hold up. I have an announcement to make.
Me and Diane, uh...
Oh, what the hey? We're getting married.
No! yes! Ha ha ha!
[Everyone yelling excitedly]
Diane: but, well...
Not before i have our baby.
Aaah!
So, when your dad said,
"i never want to see your f-ing faces again,"
do you think he meant "forever" forever
or just until your mom wakes up?
[Sighs] i don't know.
What was that sound she made
right before she hit the ground?
Well, if I had to guess,
I'd say that was the sound of a mother
saying good-bye to her little boy
and hello to the young man
who's going to be a daddy of his own.
Jack...do you know what I see here?
Spit from your dad?
Heh. I see a flower.
And you know, even the most beautiful flowers
still grow from dirt.
Yeah.
And while we're knee-deep in it right now
and things may seem pretty stinky,
in the long run we're gonna grow strong from this.
You think?
I sure do.
Diane...
I-I've loved you since I first saw you.
[Sighs]
Right before you kicked me in the head.
Oh, Jack.
[Breathing heavily]
[Moaning]
[Pop ballad starts]
* you can be happy when everyone's singing *
* it's so fun *
* just try to remember... *
Lisa, voice-over: Now...I don't think
Diane just up and told the squad about the baby that night,
but somehow they managed to figure it out.
Diane: no, thanks. Don't need one.
[Toilet flushes]
So?
Holy smoke.
You just became a statistic.
Oh, my god. I'm not the first.
But--but you're not married.
Wait, did you say you are pregnant or you were pregnant?
You had it, threw it out,
now you're gonna dance all night?
Fern: shut up, Cleo.
Di, how much you need for an abortion?
What?! no. Not an abortion.
My church can arrange for you to go to Oregon
and take care of an aunt for 9 months.
They find your baby a home,
you come back a little dazed and puffy
but everything's fine.
Please, di, don't be a whore and a murderer.
[Girls gasp]
Lisa, voice-over: Jack told the team that night.
Jack: hey, guys, i, uh...
I got Diane pregnant.
What?
Well, alright!
You nailed Diane Weston?
Ha! I'd never wash my Johnson again.
[Laughing]
Hey.
Yeah.
Ha-hoo!
[Clears throat]
I didn't mean to say "whore," Diane.
Just that I hear it so much at church
it kind of came flying out of my head.
I know, Hannah.
Look...i'm not gonna get an abortion.
I've always planned on getting married and having kids.
I'm just going a little out of order.
[Giggles]
Kind of reminds me of another young lady
who found herself with child, unmarried...
On a long, long road...
With no place to sleep.
Of course, that was a long, long time ago.
But no matter what,
she held her head high and said,
"papa, don't preach.
"I'm in trouble deep.
"Papa, don't preach,
"'cause I made up my mind.
"I'm keepin' my baby.
Yeah, I'm gonna keep my baby."
The great one.
All: Madonna.
Cleo: we're here for you, Diane.
You guys...
Thanks. oh...
I'll pray for you every night.
We love you.
I love you guys. You're the best.
Lisa, voice-over: I guess their little fairy tale could've ended there.
The only problem was they didn't have a place to live.
What? but all of our paperwork's here.
My school records
and Jack's football records.
Let me explain something...
No, wait-- did I say...
"Cross my heart, hope to die"
that we will never miss a payment?
Uh, yes. Yes, you did.
I think I know where this one's going.
Um, listen...
I'm willing to put up my papers on my gto.
Now, she's got a few miles on her, but she looks great.
I'm sure, son, but, um...
Oh, ow!
She's twisting my arm.
I'm gonna throw in the speakers, too.
Why don't you just have your parents come and get the loan
and then they can give you the money?
With all due respect, ma'am,
Jack and Diane bartlett... [Giggles]
Do not accept charity.
We are 2 young, able-bodied Americans.
We're not looking for a handout
we're looking for a hand up.
Give us food, and we'll be hungry tomorrow
but give us corn--
the kind you plant, not eat--
and we'll grow it
and uh, um...Cut it,
and, uh...
You know, eat it.
Hmm.
Now, if you're interested
in giving us a home loan, i will sit back down.
If not, have a nice day, ma'am.
Sorry. my hands are tied.
Oh!
Whew.
Lisa, voice-over: Somehow, they managed to find their dream house anyway.
More of a dump, if you ask me.
We'll take it.
[Baby crying]
Fine. settle down, ok? Just keep in mind--
I manage the building, ok? I don't own it and don't fix squat.
And I also don't care if things break, ok?
All I care is you little bastards
shove the rent under my door on the first, you got that?
You understand that?
Ok. oh, yeah, and one more thing.
You see any packages outside my door,
you leave 'em the hell alone. Capisce?
Ugh...
Jack: 2 taco grr-rrandes!
One bean burr-rrito.
A large taco chip.
And guacamole.
[Chattering]
And that'll be...
35 cents.
We don't really have fried rats in the buckets.
I know. I checked.
I'm gonna save you the time.
I'm not gonna lie. Don't believe in it.
If you pick your ass, I'm gonna tell people.
Have no idea how to run your register.
You're Jack bartlett, right?
Yeah.
So, you'd be, like, hanging out with us
every night after school, then, right?
Yeah. well, I mean, after football practice, yeah.
Football practice?
Fantasmic.
You're so hired.
[Chuckles]
I'm on top of the world!
Errr!
Hey, di, if we have a girl,
we should dress her like little Debbie.
Jack, honey, I'm only eating for two.
I know, but this food reminds me
how much I wanna teach our baby,
like cocoa puffs is good, captain crunch is bad.
It shreds the roof of your mouth.
You're not born with knowledge.
You hear "trix are for kids."
You think, "I'm a kid, i guess they're for me."
But your little baby brain's got no idea
that lucky charms are a million times better for you.
Jack?
Hey. pop quiz. If you could be count chocula
or trix the rabbit, who would you be?
Uh...trix.
Me, too. God! Will it never end?
I love this lady!
[Giggles]
Ah!
Jack, I think i should get a job.
No, but we agreed your job's running the baby machine.
I know, but that was before I realized--
oh...i almost forgot gas for the baby machine.
I'm gonna get your snickers and meet you in line, ok?
Mmm. I love you. Love you.
[Sighs]
Woman on P.A.: Attention, Bob. Cleanup on aisle 3.
[Cash register beeping]
Jack: hey, di!
Hi, I'm a little professor!
Wouldn't it be cute if ours looked like this?
Yeah, you little marsh--uh!
Honey!
Oh, I am really sorry.
Jack...
I never knew you dreamed of working
in a grocery store bank branch.
Baby, we are living the great American dream.
Mm-hmm.
If you reach for the stars,
you're bound to step-- mm! Jack, pull over.
Mm. pull over.
Oh, jeez! Ew!
[Tires squeal]
[Vomits]
Why do they call it morning sickness?
It's ok. Get it all out.
Have any breath mints?
Oh...
Jack: so, she's in my hands, right?
Warm to the touch.
Now, it's at that second that I think I control her--
she's mine.
But it's a false illusion.
You know, it's like in that movie backdraft.
"No man controls fire."
So, she's ready.
I'm ready. Heh.
She's ready.
I yell...
"42-58. hike!"
Baa! touchdown.
[Shivers]
[Guitar strumming]
* ready to go *
where were we?
* ready to go *
[loud driving beat]
[Pounding on door]
I need a place to keep this.
So if anyone asks, what do you know?
That's right. You don't know squat.
* it's a crack, I'm back *
* yeah, I'm standing on rooftops... *
[squeals]
* baby, I'm ready to go *
* I'm back and ready to go *
* from the rooftops, shout it out *
* it's a crack, I'm back *
* yeah, I'm standing on the rooftops having it *
* baby, I'm ready to go *
* I'm back and ready to go *
* from the rooftops, shout it out *
* baby, I'm ready to go *
come on, Jack, you promised.
[Sighs] ok. One question.
Oh, me, me, me! Mine's great.
[Deep voice] Proceed, dungeon master quon.
Ok, Jack.
You know how you and Diane slept together?
Yeah.
Well, now that you can't sleep together
but you still sleep together,
don't you ever get just, like, super horny?
And if so, how horny?
I'll be quiet now so I can listen to your answer.
Lisa: yeah, Jack.
I'd love to hear your answer.
The answer's easy.
Oh, uh...
Lolitais due back tomorrow.
Same for 9 1/2 weeks
and ditto on wild things.
[Beep]
Guys...i'm going to be a dad.
Dads don't get horny.
[Sighs]
Lisa, voice-over: To the kids at school,
Jack and Diane had it all.
Their own apartment, staying up late,
eating whatever they wanted,
plus Jack was getting a discount
on r-rated movies at the video store.
Hello? reality check.
School, practice, work, and lamaze class?
It was really starting to take its toll.
[Crowd shouting] 2, 4, 6, 8...
Fighting lincolns on to state!
Fight!
Lincoln! fight!
Jack: blue 42! Blue 42!
Hike!
[Panting]
[Grunting]
Lisa: ok, so they won state.
B.f.d.
The best part was
Diane was really starting to look like hell.
Kansas: Diane? Diane!
Huh? what?
I'm under the ice! I'm under the ice!
Huh?
Oh, man, that was a weird one.
Another sex dream?
Wayne gretzky. Hat trick?
He is the great one.
Heh heh.
Oh, my god.
You've been robbed.
No, I've been pregnant.
Di, are you ok?
We can skip the girl party this week.
Everything's fine.
I'm just having a little trouble
turning my frown upside down.
Want us to help you pick up?
Don't Martha freaking Stewart me.
You don't like it, you try being a pregnant teen.
[Diane farts]
Brendon! go with them.
They're in the vault, man. Go! Go!
Second man: Who's Mr. duggan?
Mr. duggan.
You want to open the vault?
Or do you want me to do it?
Do whatever they want, Terry.
Oh.
Take the keys. Take them!
Lucy: I'm confused.
Pappas knew the bank robbers were surfers
because he saw a tan line?
Luce, it's point break.
Just shut up and look at Keanu.
Di, what would you do if you were in a holdup?
Well...
I guess I...
I'd give them all the money they could hold
and wish them a good life.
Because the Beatles were wrong.
Love isn't all you need.
Love won't pay the rent,
love won't buy my baby diapers,
love sure as hell won't buy me
my new dolce & gabbana jeans
when I lose my baby weight.
Pretty soon we'll be broke,
and I'll just be another fat-ass wearing chic jeans.
[Sobbing]
Ok, put the snickers down.
Come kick it over here.
Wait a minute! Freeze that! Freeze that!
Man on TV: ...Too much time!
Cleo: yeah. Can you imagine?
Conan's head on Keanu's body?
Unstoppable.
No! that's it! A bank robbery.
A big pile of money, and my little family-to-be
could get our heads above water.
I read about this.
It's called pregnancy insanity.
Look, I might be moody...
I might be gassy...
But I am perfectly sane. Think about it.
In school they tell us dreams can come true. Right?
Right. right.
But they don't tell us how.
Thanks to Keanu, I've figured it out.
Money makes your dreams come true.
Listen, Kansas,
I know you dream of springing your mom someday.
Stop, you're gonna make me cry.
If the o.J. Trial taught us anything,
it taught us, in America, you can cut somebody's head off
and still be found innocent...
As long as you have enough money.
Well, your mom only shot a guy.
And Cleo? I know you dream
of an all-leather apartment with conan.
I overheard the school shrink telling the lunch lady.
Oh.
Hannah, you could give your share to the church,
or maybe buy one of those starving kids
that Sally struthers advertises.
Or I could buy my own horse.
Or that.
Guys, I just wanna provide a future for my baby.
I know my bank branch
like the back of my puffy little hand.
I could open that safe in my sleep.
I'm in.
Yes! what?
I'm in. This is the closest thing
to a damn family I've ever had.
If one needs something, we all do.
Stop it! This is crazy.
I'm in, too. Cleo!
Kansas is right.
We're like sisters, closer than sisters
and you don't turn your back on family.
Come on, luce.
People do it in the movies all the time.
And they get caught.
That's right. So all we have to do
is watch a bunch of movies and learn from their mistakes.
You know, real cops aren't half as smart as Keanu.
Forget it. I've got a scholarship to Harvard
hanging over my head. I won't risk it.
Conan went to Harvard. Shh.
Lucy, are you sure you have that scholarship?
No.
If you don't, can you afford to go to Harvard?
I don't know, probably not.
So then this isn't crazy, is it?
It's a sure bet.
Well...
Come on! Come on!
Please?
I guess we're all in this together.
But...but!
We have to make a smart plan.
Of course. Of course. Ok, hands in.
Alright. we have to cross our hearts,
hope to die,
stick a dirty needle in our eye,
that we will never, ever, tell Jack.
We all know he can't tell a lie.
That's why he's gonna make such a great senator.
Cheerleaders kick...
[Laughter]
[Conan o'brien on TV]
[Laughs]
Conan: we have 2 very cool guests,
I'm gonna start with something I read in the paper.
It involves sex. You hear me?
[Cheering]
Yeah. yeah.
Yeah, don't worry. Not with me. Ha ha ha.
* I don't wanna be a boy, i wanna be a girl *
* I wanna do things that'll make your hair curl *
* I wanna be evil, i wanna be bad *
* I wanna drive my next-door neighbors mad *
* I want to go wild, want to go wild *
* I want to party *
* yeah *
* 'cause we've got girl power *
[school bell rings]
The movie was so amazing.
He slices off the guy's ear,
and you see everything. The bloody pink hole--
Cleo, I already threw up twice today.
Can you get to any relevant part of the movie?
They had nicknames, like Mr. pink.
I was thinking, di, you could be Mrs. pink.
Could I be Mrs. purple?
And I could be Mrs. red
this is so exciting.
Kansas: di, how can you eat all that?
Cleo and Hannah: She's eating for two.
Jinx.
Ahem.
Page one is a plot summary of heat.
2 has my character summaries,
3 is my overall critique,
and on 4 through 10 you'll find my nexis search
of all prior analysis of this film.
In summation,
no part of heat is really applicable
to a grocery store bank branch robbery.
Jack: what the heck is going on here?
Mmm. Jack. I can explain.
Diane, there's no excuse...
For not taking your prenatal vitamins.
I love you.
Uh....cleo?
Mm-hmm?
Would you just say my name?
Ted.
[Sighs]
Well, it's a laugh riot for the whole family,
and Tim Conway is just about as funny as they come,
especially in the scene where--
wait a minute.
You watched the apple friggin' dumpling gang?
I'm only allowed "g" movies.
Am I the only one who cares about this?
I mean, at least I watched dog day afternoon.
Man: excuse me.
Could you try to keep your voice down, please?
We're not introducing anger into the womb.
How would you like me to introduce my foot into your ass?!
Kansas!
I'm sorry, Diane...
But I'm not gonna watch my dreams fade away
because the virgin here thinks she can get ideas from kiddie movies.
Those of us who have parents
know they have rules because they care.
Ooh.
Are you sure you wanna go there?
Um...
Maybe.
Ow!
Diane: you guys!
[Shouting]
How do you like that?
Diane Weston?
Kansas, quit it!
Kansas: ow!
Here.
[Door opens]
[Crying]
God, we're sorry.
It's off.
I can't take the fighting,
the backstabbing, the open hostility.
We're not acting like cheerleaders.
We're acting like a bunch of sorority girls.
I'm sorry i ever started this.
Di, it's not your fault.
We all wanted to do this.
Look...
Maybe I can watch a pg movie.
I'll just say I'm...
Counting dirty words for Sunday school.
It's ok, Hannah.
It was silly to think we can learn
to Rob a bank from watching movies.
Sex, you can learn from movies.
But robberies? Forget about it.
Besides, TV land had a little houseon the prairie marathon,
and the Ingalls made baby Carrie's bed from a dresser drawer.
I guess i could just do that.
Oh, my god!
The baby's got 2 heads.
It's twins!
[Laughs]
I'm not just super fat!
Oh, ok, we ain't done with this.
Those babies are gonna have a good start in life.
With a real crib-- one that costs a truckload.
We gonna learn to Rob
by the only people who really know how to--
criminals.
I'm gonna visit my mom.
[Buzzer ringing]
Woman on P.A.: Attention all inmates,
visiting hours will be over in 20 minutes.
You don't look nothing like your picture.
Grandma and grandpa sent you a picture
of a neighbor girl.
They didn't want you to break out and come kidnap me.
Thank god.
I was starting to think i killed the wrong man.
What did you come here for?
To tell me how much you hate me?
I don't hate you.
I need your help.
How in the hell can I help you?
My best friend got pregnant.
Before you?
Whoo-hoo.
Yeah, I know. That's what I said, too.
Anyway, we wanna help her get some money for the baby
by robbing a bank.
Well, shootfire, Kansas.
That's the sweetest thing i ever heard.
But we can't quite figure out how to... You know, how to do it.
So you need my help?
Oh, my god. This is like you asking me for help with your homework.
Hey, mink.
Come here.
Kansas, I want you to meet someone special.
Cryin' out loud, mom.
Like my life ain't bad enough 'cause you're in here.
Now I've gotta add "p.S. My mom's a gay," too?
Shut up, you mouthy little twit.
Don't "mouthy twit" me. I'm outta here.
Hey, wait. Sit down.
Now, I'm sorry.
Mama's a little overamped...
Didn't get her yard time this morning.
Mink ain't my bitch, if that's what you think.
She's a specialist...
In banks.
[Humming]
Them's some sweet skirts you got there.
Oh, thank you!
Actually, they're uniforms.
We're cheerleaders.
Mm-hmm.
You sure are.
Excuse me.
Alright, same time tomorrow,
we have a visit with our favorite aunts.
Listen, robbing banks is like pulling a trick.
You gotta stay in control,
know how far you'll go to get the dough,
and always put the rubber on yourself.
Oh, pfft! You know what I mean.
And you gotta do it the day after Christmas.
Why?
Banks don't have holiday pickups, so vaults are full.
Besides, everyone's at home eatin' leftovers
and beatin' their kids.
Really? you were cellmates with her?
Oh, my god. She was my hero!
Did she tell you what letterman's house was like?
You gotta buy your gats from the Terminator.
Tell him itchy sent you.
And gats are?
Guns, cutie.
You listen to Carol, pussycat.
Go rent national velvet.
It's got some awesome steeplechases in it.
I'm gonna write that down.
So, although their father said,
"don't get outta the car
till I get back with help,"
they knew the sheriff's voice when he yelled,
"run to my voice! And don't look back!"
The twins did as he said,
but at the very last second,
they turned around and saw the escaped mental patient
bouncing their father's head on top of the car.
Aah!
They jumped!
That's just gas, sweetie.
Oh...
What are you working on?
Just some girly stuff for the squad.
Bzzz!
[Simulates explosion]
[Dogs barking]
Well, whoever gets out alive,
have the authorities check in the crawl space.
Kansas, you should never judge a book by its cover.
[Coughing]
Diane: I guess there's an exception to every rule.
Could I help you?
You're the Terminator?
Did you come in here to bust my balls?
Huh?
Well, I kill bugs for a living.
If god doesn't beat you to it.
No, wait, um...
We're the "a" squad from Lincoln high school.
So, uh...
So, we were told you could fix us up.
Fix you up?
Really?
Yeah. itchy sent us.
She did, did she?
How is the old girl?
Definitely old.
Ha ha ha! Yeah, that's my itchy.
[Laughter]
How many?
Uh...
Um, well, we'll each probably want one, so...
[Counting] we'll take 5.
5 should do it. All right.
And, uh, how much ammo do you want?
Ammo?
How many bullets do you need?
Oh, bullets.
No bullets.
These are just to scare people.
Kinda like a round-off back handspring whipback double full.
You never really use it.
You just want the opposing squad to know you've got it.
Ok.
$1,500 cash.
What?
You good-for-nothing bug zapper!
Obviously that's a little more than our budget will allow.
Um, basically, we're looking for something around $200.
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
For 200, I got some real nice rubber bands
and some sharp nails in the back.
I got 5 of them. They come in pastel colors.
Why don't you wait right there and let me go gift-wrap it for you.
They are 1,500, cash on the barrel.
You take it or you leave it.
What kinda deal would ya make if i told we're gonna tell police
that you're selling illegal guns... To minors?
To girl minors!
Then I'd just have to kill you.
Ok, well...
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Take care.
Let's go, you guys.
Hold it right there.
Oh, please.
We're not going to tell anyone.
Maybe we can make a deal.
Look, buddy,
we're not gonna trade sex for guns.
Unless Cleo...
Kansas!
I got a daughter.
And she's always dreamt of being a cheerleader.
Aw.
Tell you what I'll do.
If you put her on your squad,
and I mean put her on the squad--
don't make her haul your pompoms--
you give her something to do.
Then I'll give you the guns.
You're kidding.
[All laugh]
Hey, fern!
Fern, come here!
She's out siphoning off the tanks.
It takes a second to cap off that cyanide hose.
Honey?
[Door opening]
There she is.
Here's my baby.
Fern, meet your new best friends.
We'll be right back.
Don't you take too long.
Let's do breathing exercises, shall we?
Is Jack upset that he can't be here?
We worked it out.
[Practicing breathing]
You're doing good, sweetie.
Let's remember our focal point.
[Groaning]
Ok, don't stop now. Come on, we're gonna make it, baby.
[Breathing]
What a sad waste of man.
Ok, even with all our savings,
it's still only 654.
That's it?
Hey, I even took my parents' foster kid money.
Philippe's going to be gathering rice
without pants this month.
Ok, wait a second. Hold on.
Now, what do we do before a big game?
Use the bathroom 'cause the port-a-potties on the field
are gross.
My fault. What do we do that enables us
to be as great as we are?
I personally think of how conan started as a writer, and then--
we practice.
That's right. Practice makes perfect.
I'm practicing to have a baby right now.
If we do a practice job,
we'll not only get the experience,
we'll also get money we need for the guns.
I've got the perfect job,
and I've gotta pee, so help me up.
[All grunting]
Hello. how many would you like?
7.
[Humming]
[Sighs]
Hi.
Hello. how many?
2, please.
Oops!
[Coughing]
Oh!
Oh, please, help me with her!
[Coughing]
What the kinda food are they serving us
if they can turn a profit on 200 bucks?
* watch her now *
* walking away *
* nothing to say *
* she's just leaving *
* what did I do? *
oh!
Uh, fern? Yeah?
No more filling the tanks before practice, ok?
Ok.
[Dog barking]
Kansas: ok, let's get going.
My grandparents get back from dinner at 4:30.
Ready?
Everybody: ok!
Kansas: what the hell--
oh, no!
He Ikea'd us.
How many signs do we need?
We're not supposed to do this.
Look, maybe Lucy is right. Maybe this is a sign.
Woman: Kansas?
That you down there?
Yeah, grandma. Me and the squad.
You girls talking about boys?
Practicing kissing your hand?
[Girls giggle]
Yeah, you caught us.
Oh, well, then I'll put some cookies
at the top of the stairs for you girls.
Thanks, that'd be great.
[Girls exhale]
This is great. What do we do?
Threaten people with a trunkful of parts?
I'm sorry, you guys.
When you're dealing with south American rebels,
you kinda gotta take what you can get.
It's a trunkful of crap.
Do you guys know what I don't see here?
What?
I don't see a problem.
I see a great, big craft project
sitting right in front of me.
So, Kansas, get me some glue,
some tape, and a nail file.
* so it's you *
* at my door *
* she is huge *
* she wore a taller man's height or more *
* if it fails me *
* then it's love for sure *
* 'cause I'm here *
* 'cause I wanna be, and I gotta be *
* and I'll stay *
* 'cause I wanna stay every day with you *
* she's so cool *
Lisa: meanwhile, the most important event of my life
was about to take place.
Please join our "a" and "b" squad cheerleaders
in a salute to winter sports!
Lisa: the winter sports pep rally is only, like,
the biggest cheerleading event of the year.
I'd been practicing for months.
This was my big chance to show the whole school
that I really belonged on the "a" squad.
[Feliz navidad being sung]
Lisa: I just want to say, that normally,
I'm an excellent skater.
Some jealous-- who will remain nameless,
obviously sabotaged my skates.
[Screaming]
I was completely humiliated
in front of the entire student body.
Talk about adding insult to injury...
At the last minute, Diane finagled putting
that backwater, mutant monkey girl on top of the pyramid!
[People cheering]
No way!
It ruined the entire finale.
Ask anybody!
Conan o'brien...
Conan o'brien. Conan o'brien...
Come on, Cleo. We're not gonna waste
this week's question to the netherworld on conan.
Who made up the one-question-a-week rule anyway?
Kansas: it's in the Bible, so just shut up.
Ok, ok. Here goes...
Is the day after Christmas
the best day for the heist?
Ah...yes!
Girls, numerology confirms it, too. Look!
So does soldier of fortune.
"A great day to go balls out on the offensive."
Then it's time for my mom's present.
"Be careful. Have fun. Ski masks are so done.
"Wear these masks to fight the power
and never bend over in the shower."
Hey, Diane, you can be mood-swing Betty.
Hannah, you're virgin Betty
with optional horse and saddle.
[Laughter]
And, fern, you can be--
oh, god, we forgot fern.
Oh, it's ok.
Mom and the girls got them for the heist.
It's nothing personal.
Hey, I got to cheer with you guys.
I'm happier than a make-a-wish kid at Disneyland.
Well, we'll all sign your yearbook.
Here, take mine.
Look, I didn't know how to tell you guys,
but I got my scholarship.
I can't go through with this.
But we went hands in on this.
You're breaking the national high school cheerleading association's
pledge of allegiance and conformity.
I'll turn in my pompoms after Christmas.
You know, you guys are insane if you don't think
those criminals would gladly turn you in for a pack of lucky's.
Oh, yeah! Well, unlike you, those criminals
take an oath, and they stick with it.
You don't mess with another inmate,
and you never mess with her kid.
I'm sorry, Diane.
[Sighs]
I could take Lucy's place.
You can be Terminator Betty.
[Laughter]
Fight the power!
* merry, merry Christmas *
* merry Christmas *
* merry, merry Christmas *
both: 1, 2, 3!
Oh, god!
Oh, honey...
Next Christmas,
I'm putting a diamond in it.
I don't know what to say.
Well, say you love me.
I love you.
I love you, too.
[Both chuckle]
Oh, god, here's mine.
It's lame. It's not romantic or anything.
No, no, no, shh. I'm gonna love it.
Ah! a gift certificate...
For a new paint job on the gto.
Yeah, I was thinking that you'd wanna
change the color after Christmas.
Wow.
You like it?
I sold the car to buy you that ring.
You're kidding?
No! heh heh.
We don't have a car.
[Both laugh]
No.
Oh! oh, sweetie.
Sweetie...
[Thunder clap]
Kansas, listen to me.
Jack sold our getaway car.
It's a gosh damn gift of the magi thing.
Oops, mommy's sorry, sweet peas.
Swearing is the surest way to--
[sighs] oh, shoot!
Mommy needs a getaway car.
[Horn honking]
Jump in!
We can't stop!
Both: the brakes are bad!
Come on, Kansas, hurry!
Fern, you've got to slow down.
Lord, please don't let us run over Kansas.
Help!
Get in! Quick!
The brakes are broken.
Kansas!
Oh, my god!
[Girls screaming]
Hannah: uh, anyone bring an extra pair of panties?
* spitting in a wishing well *
* blown to hell, crash *
* on the last splash... *
who are you?
The friggin' bionic woman?
I just pulled it, and it came off.
This is great. Now we have to enter through the front door.
Look, it's not my fault.
Hey! god, rule number 1--
you never take off the mask, you hear me?
No matter what happens, you never take off the mask.
[Weeping] I'm sorry, Kansas.
Oh! god, no.
Rule number 2-- no names.
No names, you retard!
For Pete's sake, white trash Betty.
I didn't realize the rules went into effect
before we entered the supermarket.
Well, use your head, stalker Betty.
Nyah!
Bettys, stop it.
"The best squad is one that hopes for the best
and prepares for the worst." National high school
cheerleading association letterhead.
Now, let's give a hands in.
We're ready, we're prepared,
this is gonna be the best bank robbery ever,
because...
All: cheerleaders kick...
[All scream]
Shh! it's me.
Diane: Lucy?
Kansas: what do you want?
I want to help. I'm a part of this squad.
Oh, no.
You have committed the ultimate sin.
You left your squad to be with a guy.
And that guy is the devil himself,
because only the devil would turn you against your sisters.
[All laugh]
Let's go.
What's this?
[Customers shriek]
Get on the ground now!
We got tape. Don't worry.
I said down!
Woman: ok, uh. Hello?
Yeah. excuse me. Yeah, hi.
Umm, are you robbing the supermarket or the bank branch?
The bank.
Ok, so...Do you want everybody down
or just the people at the bank?
All of you. Bank branch.
Will you shut up? I'll handle this.
Bank branch only!
Everybody else, just go on about your business.
Shit, this ain't working.
Everybody down!
That's an illegal dismount.
Thinking: oh, my god.
An "a" squad pompom string.
Ow!
Keep your eyes on the ground.
This is great.
How are we doing?
Quick. big bills, big bills.
Man: this here is bull dung! That's what this is.
I'll find you. Go on.
I ain't gonna let some piece of dirt Betty doll
tell me what to do.
No, sirree Bob.
[Gasps]
Freeze, scumbag!
Don't you never use the lord's son's name in vain
around these parts in the U.S.A.
[Yells]
What the heck?
Uh, I forgot to tell you.
Sometimes when the rebels
take the gun off a corpse,
some live rounds get left in the clip.
Good to know.
[Sighs]
Cheese on a cracker.
Alright, you guys, let's go.
[Grunts]
[Vomiting]
[Siren wailing]
I'm here live at the scene of today's
highly unusual bank robbery, speaking with an eyewitness.
Can you tell us what happened here today?
You're talking to the right person,
I am walking evidence.
One of them stepped right on my [beep].
Excuse me, can you get a shot of me?
This is important, buddy.
Can you dust my [beep] for prints? It's important.
I can't believe you're standing there, you idiot!
Wait, hold on, I forgot.
I have this. This is really important...
That's nice. Thank you for your time.
As you can see, this crime here today
is affecting people very seriously.
If you haven't heard, today,
5 pregnant Betty dolls robbed the bank.
Can you believe this?
We're like celebrities.
Better enjoy it now.
Because tomorrow some little kid falls down a well,
and we're nothing but a distant memory.
Disguises incinerated.
[All cheer]
Oh, bad news, di.
There was one thing we just couldn't fit
in the furnace.
Oh, my god.
Oh, you guys!
Thank you. Oh!
Can you believe we did it?
I mean... We did it.
We really did it.
[Screaming]
Lisa: I guess no one could have predicted
the storm that was about to hit.
The only thing people cared about, thought about,
or talked about was the robbery.
Judging by the way the robbers practically flew up
to spray paint the security cameras,
I think it was an Asian gang.
Yeah. because as a people,
they tend to be quite tiny and very acrobatic.
Lisa: that's all it took.
Next thing you know, dim sum Charlie's
being hauled in for questioning.
From there, the town just turned into a freak show.
Aah!
Get her!
That's her! That's her!
I'll never forget that face!
Lisa: this thing spread faster than a canker sore
on the girls swim team.
Someone in Lincoln would say something like...
They were dressed like a bunch of freakin' Betty dolls,
for [beep] sake.
They had these [Beep] little voices,
and only a bunch of [Beep] damn [beep]
Would shoot up a union cap.
Lisa: all of a sudden, it's on Jerry springer.
This thing was definitely huge.
Welcome to the show. Today, we're gonna meet a number of transvestites
who don't just dress up as women.
They like to dress up as pregnant women.
[Crowd booing]
Announcer: Eric karros...
Lisa: the country had come down with Betty doll fever.
Announcer: left drive over the left field wall,
into a waiting pack of Bettys.
Lisa: and then it finally happened--
the moment I had been waiting for.
The little pipsqueaks in blue
finally followed up on my evidence.
Heh.
I'm Kurt loder with an mtv news brief.
Authorities now believe a group of teenage girls
are responsible for the Betty doll bank robbery.
Stay tuned for my interview with alanis morissette
on the negative influence of the Betty doll on young girls.
Hello?
It was Lucy. Lucy went to the cops.
Remember, Kansas. Every time you point a finger,
you have 3 more pointing back at you.
She's been the weak tit on this mama cat since the beginning.
[Call waiting beeps] That you?
Hold on. Call me later.
I gotta get some smokes for grandma.
Don't use big bills.
For a pack of cigs? I'll use her food stamps.
Hello? we're dead.
They showed this prison movie
to my youth group on Sunday.
Hannah-- it wasn't like the prison we saw.
The women had to shave their heads
because they got lice from the filthy lives they lived.
Oh, no. I'm gonna be someone's bald bitch!
[Call waiting beeps] Oops. Hold on a second.
Hello? di? it's luce.
Kansas just called and said she's gonna freak me up.
I heard coughing and a thud, and Kansas had to go.
I think her grandma had another heart attack.
Why does she wanna freak me up?
She thinks you went to the police.
What? that's insane.
Why would I go to the police?
[Call waiting beeps] Relax. Gotta get that.
I'll see you tomorrow. Hello?
My Sunday school teacher says in prison,
women shove broomsticks up your--
[call waiting beeps] Hold on.
Yeah?
[Speaking Chinese]
Hello?
No. this is Diane.
I think you have the wrong number.
[Call waiting beeps] Oops. That's me. Gotta go.
Wrong number? No!
Hello? di?
I called to say conan talked about us again last night.
Thanks, Cleo. See you tomorrow.
Morning, sunshine.
Remember, except for the morning sickness,
the blinding back pain,
and the embarrassingly unpredictable gas,
these are the best days of your life, so far.
Hey, hey, hey. Not so fast.
Following your dream isn't a crime.
Nobody suspects you.
Nobody even has a clue.
Hmm.
* hey, pistolero *
hey, guys.
Someone not take a shower today?
Kansas: hey, Lisa,
did you run into Carmen electra last summer?
No.
Because it looks like you got some of her tits on you.
This just came from the national high school cheerleading association.
You might wanna look it over before you try more
cradle dismounts from double-based partner stunts
that are over shoulder stand level, without using 3 catchers.
Oh...or before you think about robbing another bank.
What did she say? How does she know?
Move it, people.
FBI. FBI. Freeze!
I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am,
but is this gonna take long? It's game night.
Man: face front.
Are you sure they can't see us?
One-way mirror, ma'am.
Man: picture in 3, 2, 1.
[Gasping]
Excuse me, on law & order, they get to make one call.
I need to call the father of my babies.
It's a fungus. Leave it alone.
[Phone ringing]
Nothing I can do. Hello?
Lisa, it's Diane. We need to talk.
Lisa: and that's why i came forward.
Even the kids on the short bus
can see that all the evidence points to Diane and the "a" squad.
Oh, it sure does.
Your testimony will prove invaluable--
unfortunately, it wasn't them.
Heh. they were all waiting in my suburban that day
while I ran into the supermarket for some cash.
We were on our way to practice.
Well, better get going.
Nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their behind.
[Car honking]
Hey! over here!
Is that Lisa?
What's she doing here?
Come on.
They let you guys keep your mug shots?
I don't get it. Why did you tell the cops we were with you?
Look, guys, a failure to plan is a plan for failure.
We needed an alibi.
I'm not gonna be doing back handsprings anytime soon.
What's in it for her?
Well, the "a" squad is going to need
a new captain soon.
You can't be serious!
Lisa really does know all the rules.
Look! if it wasn't for my alibi,
you'd all be doing college by correspondence.
[Screaming]
Get away from me!
[Farting]
Ewww. gross. Diane!
Diane: sorry, it just slipped out.
Ok!
Lisa: funny how things work out in the end.
Diane turned in her pompoms,
and I'm the new "a" squad captain.
After all, national high school cheerleading association
rule number one-- always stand behind your fellow cheerleaders,
especially when they're 7 months pregnant,
locked in a holding tank, and looking at 15 to life.
Actually, I made that last little bit up,
but you know what I mean.
* well, she was an American girl *
* raised on promises *
* she couldn't help thinkin' that there *
* was a little more to life somewhere else *
* after all, it was a great big world *
* with lots of places to run to *
* and if she had to die *
* tryin' she had one little promise she was gonna keep *
* oh, yeah, alright *
* take it easy, baby *
* make it last all night *
* she was an American girl *
* well, it was kind of cold that night *
* she stood alone on her balcony *
* yeah, she could hear the cars roll by *
* out on 441, like waves crashin' on the beach *
* and for one desperate moment there *
* he crept back in her memory *
* god, it's so painful *
* when something that's so close *
* is still so far out of reach *
* oh, yeah, alright *
* take it easy, baby *
* make it last all night *
* she was an American girl *
* an American girl *
* let's go *
* good morning, sunshine *
* what you wanna do today? *
* I'm so tired of working *
* I've got too many bills to pay, that's ok *
* 'cause I've got a real straight shot *
* you've got a pretty good car *
* so pick a point on the map *
* doesn't matter which one *
* we'll be rich when the job gets done *
* you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun *
* fill up the tank *
* let's Rob a bank *
* I've got holes in my shoes *
* I've got holes in my underwear *
* take a look in my wallet *
* there used to be some money there, I don't care *
* 'cause I've got a real straight shot *
* you've got a pretty good car *
* so pick a point on the map *
* doesn't matter which one *
* we'll be rich when the job gets done *
* you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun *
* fill up the tank *
* let's Rob a bank *
* we can have everything we want *
* ooooh la, la, la, la *
* I can buy a new guitar *
* you can pay your credit cards *
* let's Rob a bank *
* 'cause I've got a real straight shot *
* you've got a pretty good car *
* so pick a point on the map *
* doesn't matter which one *
* we'll be rich when the job gets done *
* you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun *
* fill up the tank *
* let's Rob a bank *
* point on the map, doesn't matter which one *
* let's Rob a bank *
* we'll be rich when the job gets done *
* let's Rob a bank *
* you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun *
* fill up the tank *
* let's Rob a bank *