PREVIOUSLY ON POPULAR...
WHAT'S WRONG?
QUIT THE MUSICAL AND PLAY AT HOMECOMING.
COACH SAYS IF WE MAKE A GOOD SHOW AT THE GAME...
YOU SHOULD BE IN THE MUSICAL. YOU'RE THE ACTOR, NOT ME.
YOU WOULD HAVE SOMEONE TO BLAME FOR YOUR PROBLEMS,
WHEN YOUR PROBLEM, SAM, IS YOURSELF.
NOW THAT YOU'VE ENDED CHEERLEADERS AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND,
MAYBE YOU CAN FIND TIME TO GRAB SOME THERAPY.
YOU NEED IT.
[MALE NEWSCASTER] A WIND ADVISORY IS IN EFFECT UNTIL THE END OF THIS WEEK
FOR ALL VIEWING AREAS.
THE HAVOC-WREAKING SANTA ANA WINDS
ARE TRADITIONALLY ACCOMPANIED BY A FEELING OF CHAOS,
CONFUSION, AND UNEXPECTED ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENTS.
THOSE IN THE WAY OF THE WINDS
ARE ADVISED TO PROTECT THEMSELVES
BY WEARING WINDBREAKERS AND CHASTITY BELTS.
IS THIS THE FIRST MUSICAL YOU'VE DIRECTED, MS. ROSS,
AND, IF SO, HOW DO YOU INTEND TO INVEST IT WITH YOUR VISION?
I DON'T HAVE A VISION. I HAVE A MORTGAGE.
SO,
YOU'RE SAYING YOU TOOK ON THIS ASSIGNMENT SOLELY FOR THE CASH?
LOOK. I KNOW WHAT WENT DOWN WITH YOU AND MY PREDECESSOR.
I NEVER ASKED MR. VINCENT TO...
SAM, I LIKE YOU.
YOU GOT SPUNK. BUT I ALSO LIKE MY DENTAL PLAN.
YOU TWIST MY WORDS, I LOSE MY JOB, NEXT THING I KNOW,
I'M GIVING MYSELF A ROOT CANAL WITH A RUSTY SCREWDRIVER.
OKAY.
GINA, IS JOSH FORD HERE YET?
I'M HERE.
YOU'RE LATE. PRIORITIZE, MR. FORD.
SORRY. GINA.
WHERE ARE MY OTHER ACTORS?
OH, FRESHMEN!
I NEED ANOTHER BODY ONSTAGE.
OH, I ONLY CAME TO DO THE ARTICLE.
COKIE ROBERTS DID NOT ASCEND TO GREAT HEIGHTS
BECAUSE SHE WAS AFRAID OF TED KOPPEL'S CHAIR.
GO. NOW. HURRY.
THANK YOU.
SIT ON YOUR STUMP, MR. FORD.
WHAT STUMP?
THE ONE IN YOUR IMAGINATION.
USE THE CHAIR.
WHO'S SHE PLAYING?
YOUR DAUGHTER, WHO YOU LOVE AND ADORE
AND WILL BE SITTING ON YOUR RIGHT KNEE.
OKAY. I REALLY NEED TO GET READY FOR CLASS.
SO DO I, COKIE, SO LET'S NOT WASTE PRECIOUS TIME. GINA!
GIVE ME A SUNSET.
WHY ARE YOU HERE ANYWAY?
I'M DOING A FEATURE FOR THE PAPER.
GREAT. YOU GONNA TRY AND GET THEM TO CUT THE DRAMA BUDGET, TOO?
YOU HAVE A QUESTION, MR. FORD?
UM, YEAH.
I WAS WONDERING WHAT IT MEANS IN THE SONG WHEN IT SAYS, "WITH VERVE."
IT MEANS SOMEBODY SHOULD BE CLAPPING AT THE END BESIDES YOUR PARENTS.
RIGHT. NO PROBLEM.
AND...
[♪♪ SINGING IN FRENCH]
COKIE, GET BACK ON THE STUMP.
MM-MM. NO. I-I-I CAN'T.
I-- I'VE GOT TO GO. I'M SORRY.
♪ THINK IT OVER ONCE OR TWICE ♪
♪ WHAT LASTS THE LONGEST IN THIS LIFE ♪
♪ CHARACTER OR ROCK-HARD THIGHS ♪
♪ IN THE END DO YOU BELIEVE ♪
♪ THAT BEAUTY LIES IN WHAT YOU SEE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DO THEN, BABY ♪
♪ YOU'VE BEEN DECEIVED ♪
♪ WELL, ME AND B ♪
♪ WE HATE SUPERMODELS ♪
♪ IT'S JUST THAT I'M TIRED OF BEING COMPARED ♪
WHAT? OKAY, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
LIKE TWO MINUTES AGO.
ARE YOU SURE THAT IT WASN'T HIS KEYS OR A FANNY PACK
OR A REALLY BIG ZIPPER?
CARMEN, I WAS ON HIS LAP. IT AROSE.
WOW!
SO DO YOU THINK JOSH IS INTO YOU?
ARE YOU INSANE? NO, NO, NO.
IF YOU'RE STILL LOOKING FOR A WAY TO MAKE BROOKE LIE UNDER A BUS,
THIS WAS CHOICE.
CARMEN, THIS WAS A TOTAL ACCIDENT. OKAY.
BUT YOU SHOULD HANG LOW FOR A WHILE, BECAUSE BROOKE AND THEM ARE FREAKING OUT
ABOUT THAT EDITORIAL, AND IF SHE HEARD ABOUT THIS...
NO, SHE'S NOT GOING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS.
WHY WOULD I SAY ANYTHING?
YEAH.
RIGHT? RIGHT.
OH, OKAY.
NIC, IT'S BEEN, LIKE, 46 HOURS,
AND JOSH STILL WON'T SPEAK TO ME.
HE THINKS I'M THIS COLD, HEARTLESS WITCH.
OH, PLEASE! YOUR HEART'S THE SIZE OF A CANTALOUPE.
HOWEVER, YOU COULD WORK ON THE CLIMATE CONTROL.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LET'S FACE IT, B.
YOUR DIAL'S SET ON "TUNDRA," AND TAKE IT FROM ME,
SOMETIMES IT DOESN'T HURT TO GIVE OFF A LITTLE HEAT.
I GIVE OFF HEAT. DON'T I?
SURE YOU DO.
BUT IF YOU WANT YOUR HONEY TO HIT SPEED DIAL,
YOU MAY WANT TO LOSE A FEW ACCESSORIES.
LIKE YOUR BRA.
WOW. YOU AND JOSH.
I MEAN, THAT IS SO... TOASTER IN THE TUB.
BUT I COULD SEE IT.
WHAT? NO, NO, YOU CAN'T.
HE'S A WALKING STEROID.
I WOULDN'T TOUCH HIM WITH A TOILET BRUSH.
AND BESIDES, JOSH FORD WOULD NEVER LIKE...
BROOKE, WAIT UP.
CARMEN, PROMISE ME YOU WON'T SAY ANYTHING.
BUT... SHH, SHH.
IF YOU NEED ME TO CARRY YOUR UNDERWEAR IN MY PURSE, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
COME ON, CARM.
HURRY, CARM.
MADAME MUCKRAKER NEEDS YOU TO PROOFREAD HER LATEST DIATRIBE.
WHAT'LL IT BE THIS WEEK, MUCKY?
MAYBE THE LUNCH LADY WITH THE HARELIP,
'CAUSE YOU AIN'T BRINGING THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD DOWN.
THE MARY CHERRY FOUNDATION HAS ALREADY STEPPED IN
TO KEEP THE GLAMAZONS IN A STYLE TO WHICH WE ARE ACCUSTOMED.
THANK YOU.
OKAY. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ANY WARMER?
OH... YOU ARE A SPHERICAL MIRACLE.
GREAT.
OKAY, TWO ICE CUBES, AND WE'RE IN BUSINESS. YEAH!
DO YOU WANT TO TOSS IN YOUR OPINION, TOO,
OR DO I HAVE TO WAIT AND READ IT IN THE SCHOOL PAPER?
PLEASE. LIKE SHE WOULD KNOW WHAT TURNS A GUY'S HEAD.
COME ON.
I KNOW IT'S IN HERE.
SKIP IT. I'LL JUST WEAR THIS.
WHY THE SUDDEN HAT FETISH?
HAIRCUT VICTIM. REALLY?
CAN I SEE IT? SURE.
WHEN I'M A SENIOR. IS THAT A UNIFORM?
NO. AND A HAIRNET?
GIVE IT TO ME. WHOA.
GIVE IT TO ME. WHEN DID YOU START WORKING AT MR. CLUCK'S?
KNOCK IT OFF. IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.
THEY'RE THE ONLY PLACE HIRING. IT GOT MY MOTHER OFF MY BACK.
AND I MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO SOME GOOD THERE.
YOU'VE BEEN BOYCOTTING POULTRY PRODUCTS SINCE YOU HAD TRAINING WHEELS.
OKAY. YOUR POINT? ISN'T WORKING AT A CHICKEN SHACK
JUST A LITTLE HYPOCRITICAL? NO.
NOT IF I'M ON THE INSIDE PUSHING SIDE DISHES.
NORMA RAE STARTED OUT SWEEPING LINT.
OF COURSE.
OH, GEEZ.
THAT IS SCARY.
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
HARRISON.
NICE HAIRCUT.
[GIGGLING]
OKAY. GIVE ME THE CAP. NOW.
[BELL RINGING]
OH!
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN PLAY PRACTICE...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
YEAH, WELL, I THINK IT SHOULD JUST BE OUR SECRET.
OKAY? JUST BETWEEN US.
FINE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY, DID YOU? NO.
OKAY.
THANKS.
YEAH. OKAY.
YOU WILL ENCOUNTER THIS TERM FREQUENTLY.
GREEK MYTHOLOGY IS FULL OF CHARACTERS WHO...
[DOOR OPENS]
MAKE THE MISTAKE OF ANGERING THE GODS.
WHENEVER A MORTAL DARES
TO CHALLENGE THE ESTABLISHED HIERARCHY,
HE OR SHE
SUFFER FOR THEIR HUBRIS.
NOW, WHO CAN GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE
OF A CHARACTER WHO WAS PUNISHED FOR EXCESSIVE PRIDE?
MISS FERRARA?
YES? WHAT?
UM... WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?
MISS JULIAN, CAN YOU HELP MISS FERRARA?
[SCOFFS] NOT WITHOUT A BUCKET OF SPACKLE.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
JUST KIDDING, CARM. YOU KNOW YOU ROCK MY WORLD.
LET'S SAVE THE RECONCILIATIONS FOR MOTHER LOVE, SHALL WE?
ANYONE ELSE?
WHAT ABOUT ICARUS?
WHAT ABOUT HIM?
WELL, HE HAD A LOT OF THAT HUBRIS.
HIS DADDY WARNED HIM NOT TO FLY TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN,
'CAUSE THAT WAS TERRITORY RESERVED FOR THE GODS.
BUT HE PAID BIG DADDY NO MIND AND ENDED UP FRYING LIKE A HUSH PUPPY.
WELL, ACTUALLY, HIS WINGS MELTED AND HE PLUNGED INTO THE SEA,
BUT THANK YOU, MARY CHERRY, FOR THAT KENTUCKY FRIED TWIST.
ANY OTHER EXAMPLES?
IN MANY OF THEIR TALES, THE ANCIENT GREEKS TELL US
THAT ARROGANCE IS A DANGEROUS TRAIT.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH POWER ANY MORTAL ACHIEVES,
HE OR SHE WILL ULTIMATELY BE HUMBLED
BY SOMETHING LARGER AND MUCH MORE POWERFUL.
IN OTHER WORDS,
YOU DARE TO STRIVE WITH THE GODS,
YOU WILL BE DESTROYED.
♪ THE LOOK ♪
♪ OF LOVE ♪
♪ IS IN YOUR EYES ♪
[WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH]
[REPEATING FRENCH PHRASE]
THIS IS THE LANGUAGE OF ROMANCE.
DO NOT BUTCHER.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
[REPEATING IN FRENCH]
AH, TRES BIEN. TRES BIEN.
TURN TO THE PERSON ON YOUR LEFT AND PRACTICE THE CONVERSATION.
♪ THE LOOK OF LOVE ♪
♪ IS SAYING SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST WORDS COULD EVER SAY ♪
WEIRD, HUH?
TWICE IN ONE DAY?
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
[MANGLED FRENCH]
[SPEAKING FRENCH FLUENTLY]
[FLUENT FRENCH]
♪♪ [DISCO]
DANCE. DANCE!
YOU'RE IN LOVE.
[NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD]
IN YOUR DREAMS, MUCKY!
[PHONE RINGING]
HELLO. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
WHY AREN'T YOU WASHING THE BREASTS? WHAT?
I WANT THOSE BREASTS SQUEAKY CLEAN... IS THIS JOSH?
ISN'T SOMEBODY HERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON BISCUIT COUNT?
I'M ON BREAK.
YOUR BREAK ENDED 11 SECONDS AGO.
OR DID WE MISS THE PART OF ORIENTATION WHERE WE DISCUSSED BREAKS?
I ALREADY COUNTED THE BISCUITS.
THEY'RE ALL THERE, OKAY?
WELL, SOMEBODY PARKED THE BISCUIT BIN NEXT TO THE GRILL.
WOULD THAT BE YOU?
I DON'T REMEMBER. DOES IT MATTER?
IT DOES IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR BISCUITS SOFT AND FLUFFY.
SOFT AND FLUFFY IS MR. CLUCK'S WAY.
[CARMEN'S VOICE] LISTEN, LILY, I PROMISED I WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING,
AND YOU HAVE TO SWEAR, SWEAR, SWEAR
THIS WON'T GO ANY FURTHER.
MS. ROSS MADE SAM SIT ON JOSH FORD'S LAP
DURING REHEARSAL THIS MORNING,
AND J.F. SPRUNG A MAJOR PUP TENT.
AT FIRST I THOUGHT SAM WAS EXAGGERATING,
BUT THEN I SAW J.F. STARING AT HER IN CLASS,
AND IT WASN'T AN EVIL STARE.
IT WAS MORE LIKE, "HEY, YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON BESIDES CAMMIE DIAZ
WHO'S DONE THAT TO ME BEFORE 9:00 A.M."
AND THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE MORE I WISH SAM AND JOSH WOULD GET TOGETHER.
I MEAN, JUST TO SHAKE THINGS UP AND, LIKE,
END THIS STUPID WAR.
[ALARM SOUNDING, FAINT]
OH, NO.
[MARY CHERRY] OBVIOUSLY HIS COMPASS POINTS IN OTHER DIRECTIONS,
BUT SAM McPHERSON IS NOT EVEN ON THE MAP.
OOH, I GOTTA RUN. I'LL MEET YOU AT THE STAIRS.
HOW YA DOIN', BROOKY?
I'M SO SORRY.
BROOKE.
EVEN IF EVERYONE KNOWS, NO ONE'S EVER GONNA BELIEVE IT.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RUN OUT AND GET YOU SOMETHING?
LIKE XANAX OR VALIUM?
OR PROZAC? BUT PROZAC YOU HAVE TO TAKE FOR, LIKE, A WEEK.
NO, NO, I... I DON'T NEED PROZAC, NIC.
I'M... I'M FINE.
UM...
YOU KNOW, I JUST... I JUST NEED TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
YOU SURE?
YEAH, I'M SURE.
SO THEN HE TURNS TO ME AND HE SAYS,
"WE HANDLE OUR CHICKEN PARTS WITH LOVE AND RESPECT."
WHAT A FREAK.
TOTAL. HE'S HAD IT IN FOR ME SINCE THE SECOND I CAME THROUGH THE DOOR.
WHY? [BOY] ROCKET LAUNCHER.
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO SOUND OUT WORDS
WHILE READING THE MR. CLUCK'S HANDBOOK.
THE CHICKENS THEY'RE SERVING ARE SMARTER THAN THE STAFF.
MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION. IS THERE SOMETHING HANGING OUT OF MY NOSE?
NO. WHY?
UH... OH, MY GOD.
[LILY] WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?
YO, SAM. WANNA CHECK OUT MY LAP?
DID I MISS SOMETHING?
OH... HEY.
HAVE YOU SEEN CARMEN? I THINK SHE'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
YEAH, I BET SHE IS.
DID YOU NOT GET THE E-MAIL?
NO, I WAS BUSY REPARKING A BISCUIT BIN.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
CARMEN?
[SIGHS]
WAIT.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME?
'CAUSE YOU CAN KEEP AVOIDING ME,
BUT WE WILL HAVE THIS CONVERSATION.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
YOU KNOW, UM,
JOSH AND I, WE GO BACK A LONG, LONG TIME,
AND WE MAY FIGHT NOW AND THEN, BUT WE DO HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING.
NO MATTER HOW THIRSTY EITHER ONE OF US GETS,
WE DON'T DRINK OUT OF THE TOILET.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR FRIEND JOSH WHY HE'S SO THIRSTY.
[BELL RINGING]
[CARMEN THINKING] DOES HE KNOW?
DOES HE KNOW I'M LINDA TRIPP?
SAM... TURN AROUND, FERRARA.
SAM, IT WAS A TOTAL ACCIDENT.
I WAS NEVER GONNA SEND IT. I WROTE THE E-MAIL TO MYSELF, AND MAYBE LILY.
TURN AROUND, FERRARA.
THE ORGANISM WE STUDIED LAST WEEK
IS ACTUALLY LESS EVOLVED THAN THE PARAMECIUM.
IF YOU READ THE CHAPTER,
YOU WOULD KNOW WHERE EXACTLY THE PARAMECIUM FALLS ON THE FOOD CHAIN.
YOU'D ALSO KNOW...
CAN YOU SWITCH PLACES WITH ME? MM-HMM.
THANKS.
...HAS MUCH IN COMMON WITH THE SINGLE-CELL AMOEBA.
AS FOR CELL REPLICATION,
THE PARAMECIUM WILL OFTEN DIVIDE INTO TWOS... HOW'S IT GOING?
UH, HI.
DESPITE THE PAIN, IT FEELS NOTHING, MUCH LIKE MY MOTHER.
♪ PRETTY BABY I LOVE YOUR EYES ♪
♪ OH PRETTY BABY ♪
[NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD] DON'T HIDE THE DO. LOOKS GOOD ON US.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING] BY HEATING THE SOLUTION,
WE'RE ABLE TO STUDY THE THERMODYNAMIC EFFECTS ON THE ORGANISM.
MISS GLASS, SIR.
BEFORE WE DELVE INTO THE FASCINATING LIFE OF THE PARAMECIUM,
MAY I ASK A BIOLOGICALLY RELATED QUESTION?
SHOOT.
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A MALE MEMBER OF THE SPECIES
TO CONTROL AN ERECTION,
OR IS THAT STRICTLY INVOLUNTARY?
WHICH SPECIES ARE WE INQUIRING ABOUT?
WELL, MOSTLY BOYS.
TEENAGE BOYS.
THE HUMAN MALE CAN EXPERIENCE
A REFLEX ERECTION, OR A SPONTANEOUS ERECTION.
THE REFLEX USUALLY RESULTS
FROM DIRECT STIMULATION OF THE GENITALIA.
A SPONTANEOUS ERECTION
CAN BE ELICITED BY PSYCHOGENIC FANTASY
OR OTHER FACTORS PURELY PHYSIOLOGICAL.
THERE ARE ANY NUMBER OF VARIABLES
THAT COULD MAKE IT VERY DIFFICULT TO KEEP THE BULL IN THE BARN.
NOW, CAN WE GET BACK TO THE PARAMECIUM?
HEY, BROOKE. SHE LEFT OUT THE "I CAN'T HELP BEING A SLUT" FACTOR.
[MARY SCREAMS] WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON BACK THERE?
MARY CHERRY'S BURNER JUST FLARED.
HER EYEBROWS ARE GONE.
AWESOME.
OH, MY GOD! AM I BLIND?
WHY IS EVERYTHING SO WHITE?
BECAUSE YOU'RE STARING AT MY LAB COAT.
YOU'RE FINE, CHERRY, JUST SLIGHTLY SINGED.
ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, BACK TO WORK. SHOW'S OVER.
AWESOME. STOP IT.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. WHY WOULD SHE LIE?
I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY 'CAUSE SHE...
CLOSEST THING SHE'S EVER GOING TO GET TO THE REAL THING.
WHATEVER.
LOOK. MAYBE THIS WHOLE THING HAPPENED
BECAUSE... MY HORMONES ARE ON EDGE, OKAY?
MAYBE YOUR HORMONES ARE ON EDGE
BECAUSE SOMEBODY WANTED TO BE ALONE FOR A WHILE.
NOT ANYMORE. BROOKE, LOOK AT ME.
WHAT?
I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE WITH YOU.
THAT'S WHY I'VE WAITED.
WELL... WELL, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
I SAY WE DO IT TODAY. I'LL COME OVER STRAIGHT AFTER PRACTICE.
WE'LL DO IT AT 4:20.
I'VE MISSED YOU, BROOKE.
IF YOU'RE INTO THE SHOPPING MODE,
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY NEW LINE OF FASHION ACCESSORIES: BUTTOCKS BOLOS.
GET THOSE OUT OF MY FACE BEFORE I MAKE YOU EAT THEM.
SORRY.
SORRY'S NOT GONNA RECONNECT THIS HEAD
TO THOSE ABS, LOSER!
[SIGHS]
[PASSES GAS]
[SNICKERING]
EITHER YOU START TALKING, OR I START FLUSHING.
BUT I ONLY ASKED THAT QUESTION TO PROTECT BROOKE.
I WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT JOSH'S SITUATION
HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH WHO WAS ON HIS LAP.
MY GRANDMAMA TOLD ME THAT MANY MEN HAVE THAT SAME REACTION
TO A CINNAMON BUN.
BESIDES, WHY WOULD JOSH CRAVE SOME FRIGID LITTLE VIRGIN
WHEN HE'S GOT BROOKE?
[NICOLE] HEY, BROOKY?
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, SCARFACE.
HEY, COME ON, BROOKY. YOU CAN'T LET THIS CRUSH YOU.
AND TAKE EVERYTHING LATOYA SAYS WITH A GIANT SALT LICK.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M UPSET ABOUT.
THEN WHAT IS IT?
[BROOKE SIGHS] ARE YOU AND JOSH REALLY OVER?
CHECK BACK WITH ME IN TWO HOURS AND SEVEN MINUTES.
WHAT'S HAPPENING THEN? WE'RE DOING IT.
GOOD.
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
WAIT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU MEAN, YOU AND JOSH HAVE NEVER...
I HAVE THE DAY AND TIME MARKED DOWN ON MY FILOFAX.
I LIED.
I'M SORRY.
WELL, THAT'S OKAY.
REALLY?
YEAH.
WELL, LOOK.
IF YOU NEED, LIKE, ANY POINTERS...
I CAN ALWAYS ASK SAM McPHERSON.
I WAS GONNA SUGGEST ME,
BUT IF YOU'D RATHER TALK TO MARY TYLER WHORE, THAT'S OKAY, TOO.
[SIGHS]
SO HOW PATHETIC WOULD IT BE TO SAY I'M A LITTLE SCARED RIGHT NOW?
THAT'S NOT PATHETIC.
[BELL RINGING]
OKAY, SUGAR D.
YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE THIS TIDBIT, BUT...
I CHERISH YOU WAY TOO MUCH TO WITHHOLD.
SECRETS, THAT IS.
JOSH AND BROOKE ARE VIRGINS.
IT'S TRUE. I JUST HEARD IT.
THEY'RE VIRGINS. TELL EVERYBODY.
HEY.
IS IT OKAY IF I SIT WITH YOU GUYS?
I'M GOING OUTSIDE.
OKAY, SAM. NEVER MIND. I'LL JUST SIT OVER HERE.
IT'S GONNA TAKE A LONG TIME FOR THIS TO GO AWAY, ISN'T IT?
YEAH. [SIGHS]
I'M BEGINNING TO SEE WHY THIS SCHOOL ONLY STOCKS PLASTIC KNIVES.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND ME.
THEY WEREN'T EVEN TALKING ABOUT YOU.
MARY CHERRY JUST ANNOUNCED THAT KENNEDY'S KING AND QUEEN
ARE VIRGINS.
I'M NOT EVEN SURPRISED.
MY BARBIE AND KEN WERE MISSING THOSE IMPORTANT PARTS, TOO.
BROOKE AND JOSH?
NO WAY!
CHECK IT OUT, CARM?
EMORY, THOSE ARE DISGUSTING. PLEASE GO AWAY!
NICOLE DOESN'T THINK SO.
SHE JUST BOUGHT TWO.
REALLY? MM-HMM.
SO, AT 4:00, I'M GONNA BE TELLING COACH THAT I'M GONNA BE TAKING A MAKEUP TEST.
YOU GOTTA BACK ME UP ON THIS. OKAY? WHATEVER.
HEY, I'M NOT EXACTLY LYING. I MEAN, I AM MAKING SOMETHING UP.
IT'S JUST WITH BROOKE.
IN THE ONE SUBJECT WHERE I EXCEL.
[LAUGHING]
WHAT?
YOU GUYS ALL THINK I'M INTO SAM McPHERSON NOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. YOU GUYS ARE ACTING LIKE...
THE ONLY PERSON ACTING HERE IS YOU.
WHAT?
YOU WANT EVERYBODY TO THINK YOU'RE THE MAN?
GO TO A CHAT ROOM.
AND STOP DISHING UP SEX TIPS WHEN YOU'VE NEVER EVEN DONE IT.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THE SCOOP ABOUT YOU AND BROOKE.
YOU KNOW, WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON AND WHAT'S NOT GOING ON.
I'M NOT INTO COVERING FOR YOU ANYMORE.
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS] CAN WE JUST TALK FOR A SECOND?
WE START TALKING, WE'RE GONNA BE BACK IN SCHOOL TOMORROW IN THE SAME SITUATION.
DO THEY SEAL THESE THINGS WITH KRAZY GLUE, OR WHAT?
WHAT SITUATION?
DID YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS THAT WE WERE DOING THIS TODAY?
YEAH, RIGHT. I PUT UP SIGNS, BROOKE.
"WHAT YOU HEARD TODAY IS TRUE. BOTH J AND B, THE BIG V."
EVERYBODY KNOWS?
HOW? WHO TOLD THEM?
NOT ME.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M CALLING NICOLE.
CALL HER LATER, BROOKE.
DO YOU THINK THAT I CAN HAVE SEX WHEN I HAVE TO DEAL WITH SERIOUS DAMAGE CONTROL?
HONEY, NO...
WILL YOU STOP!
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU JUST...
RUSHING ACROSS SOME LINE TO DO A LITTLE DANCE IN THE END ZONE.
OKAY? JUST... JUST GO.
JUST GO. COME ON. GET OUT.
UH, HI.
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY?
BROOKE AND I JUST HAD A HUGE FIGHT. CAN I COME IN?
Y-YEAH. YEAH.
DO YOU WANT TO SIT? NO, I'M NOT STAYING LONG.
OKAY. UM... SO, HOW ARE YOU?
HOW AM I? YOU RUINED MY LIFE!
OKAY.
THIS WHOLE THING STARTED
BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T KEEP ONE STUPID SECRET.
I... I ONLY TOLD ONE PERSON.
HOW'D YOU KNOW ABOUT ME AND BROOKE? OR WAS THAT A LUCKY GUESS?
THAT DID NOT COME FROM ME. I DIDN'T KNOW.
NOW YOU GOT A GREAT STORY TO FOLLOW YOUR LEAD.
IT'S NOT A CRIME TO BE A VIRGIN.
YEAH, NOT FOR YOU. PEOPLE WOULD EXPECT THAT.
LOOK, I DIDN'T... MEAN THAT. THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.
IT'S OKAY.
NO, IT'S NOT.
AH...
[GROANS] MY LIFE
IS JUST A TOTAL DISASTER AREA RIGHT NOW.
MY PARENTS, THEY'RE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.
MY BEST FRIEND THINKS I'M A MEGA-FRAUD.
MY GIRLFRIEND JUST KICKED ME OUT OF HER HOUSE.
LOOK, I'M... REALLY SORRY.
YEAH.
WHAT'S THAT DOING HERE?
OH, IT... I... TH-THAT'S MINE.
IT... I JUST...
BROUGHT TO SHOW MR. GRANT SOME LAYOUT IDEAS.
DID YOU GO TO OCEAN PARK ELEMENTARY?
WE WERE IN THE SAME CLASS.
I DON'T REMEMBER YOU.
YEAH. WELL...
WE HUNG OUT IN DIFFERENT CROWDS.
[JOSH] GOD, I HAVEN'T LOOK AT THIS THING IN TWO YEARS.
DON'T YOU EVER WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO SOME OF THESE PEOPLE?
I SEE MOST OF THEM EVERY DAY. OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
NO, I MEAN THE ONES THAT MOVED AWAY, OR TEACHERS AND STUFF.
[PASSES GAS]
WELCOME TO MR. CLUCK'S. MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
I'M GONNA HAVE A THREE-PIECE COMBO AND A SUPER-SAVER LEMONADE.
DID YOU WANT CHICKEN IN THAT COMBO?
ISN'T THAT WHAT I'M GETTING PIECES OF?
WELL, I COULD GIVE YOU EXTRA SIDE DISHES.
THERE'S COLE SLAW, SPICY COLE SLAW,
EXTRA SPICY COLE SLAW. I WANT THE CHICKEN.
OKAY. FINE.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE AWARE THAT MOST POULTRY IS RAISED
IN DARK, WASTE-RIDDEN CAGES,
WHERE IT'S FORCE-FED HORMONES AND ANTIBIOTICS.
EXCUSE ME, SIR. UH, PILAR?
GET THIS GENTLEMAN A T.P.C. AND S.S. LEMON, STAT.
YES, SIR. LET ME SPEAK TO YOU, PLEASE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TAKING ORDERS. NO, CLEARLY THAT'S THE ONE THING
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO!
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? AN ENLIGHTENED HUMAN BEING.
IF YOU WANT, I CAN BRING IN LITERATURE... NO, I DON'T WANT.
YOU WERE NOT HIRED TO EDUCATE. YOU WERE HIRED TO SERVE CHICKEN.
THERE ARE OTHER ITEMS ON THE MENU. I WAS...
WHICH ARE SERVED WITH CHICKEN!
NOW, GO APOLOGIZE TO THAT GENTLEMAN.
FOR WHAT?
OPENING HIS EYES TO THE UNCHECKED CRUELTIES
OF THE MEATPACKING INDUSTRY?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOT ONLY ARE YOU GOING TO APOLOGIZE,
YOU'RE GONNA EAT THIS WHILE YOU APOLOGIZE.
[CUSTOMER] LOOK, IT'S OKAY, REALLY.
I COULD PROBABLY USE A LITTLE ROUGHAGE ANYHOW.
I APOLOGIZE, SIR.
THE CHICKEN HERE IS...
VERY TASTY.
NEWS FLASH.
THIS MARGARITA MIX-- 48 GRAMS PER SERVING.
I SAY WE MOISTEN OUR FINGERS IN THE TEQUILA
AND THEN DIP THEM INTO THE POUCH.
OKAY, HONEY, YOU'VE GOT TO GET A GRIP.
IF JOSH FORD WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO TRADE DOWN, THEN LET THE LOSER GO.
LET'S TOAST TO YOU FINDING YOURSELF A DISHY SENIOR
WITH A FRIEND.
MM-HMM.
CHEERS. MM-HMM.
COME ON. LET'S DRINK UP.
CLAUDIA SILLS. WOW.
DIDN'T SHE, LIKE, MOVE TO MICHIGAN OR SOMETHING?
YEAH, LUCKY FOR ME.
I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE... NO, WE WERE.
UNTIL STACY BRIVIC'S "SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN" PARTY. YOU REMEMBER THAT?
I WASN'T INVITED.
IT CAME TIME FOR MY SEVEN MINUTES, RIGHT?
I WAS TOTALLY FREAKED.
I MEAN, I STARTED... WARMING UP.
YOU KNOW, PRACTICING ON HER SNOOPY PILLOW.
I TURN MY HEAD TOO FAST, AND SNOOPY'S EAR GETS CAUGHT ON MY BRACES.
I WAS SO READY TO BE A SIXTH-GRADE DROPOUT, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? DID STUFF LIKE THAT EVER HAPPEN TO YOU?
YEAH, ALL THE TIME.
YEAH.
I REMEMBER ONCE...
WRITING A POEM TO THIS BOY I LIKED.
MY TEACHER FOUND IT AND...
MADE ME READ IT OUT LOUD
AND THEN TACKED IT UP TO THE BULLETIN BOARD.
THAT'S NOT SO BAD. IT WAS HEINOUS.
THAT POEM WAS PRIVATE.
THERE WAS ONLY ONE PERSON I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH.
SO GIVE IT TO HIM NOW.
NO, I DON'T... I DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, YOU SHOULD. I BET HE'D LOVE IT.
GETTING A POEM FROM SOMEBODY, THAT'S LIKE... DEEP.
YOU KNOW, IN A WEIRD WAY,
THAT TEACHER DID YOU A REALLY HUGE FAVOR.
I MEAN, YOU ARE A REALLY GOOD WRITER.
AND WHAT IF YOU JUST KEPT FILLING UP ALL THESE NOTEBOOKS
AND NO ONE EVER SAW ANY OF IT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST
BOTH OF THE MEN IN MY LIFE TO THESE McPHERSON WOMEN.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
TOTAL E.S.O.C.'s.
E.S.O.C.'s? MM-HMM.
WHAT IS THAT?
EATING STOUFFER'S OUT OF THE CONTAINER.
[LAUGHING]
LOOK UP, AND DON'T START CRYING AGAIN,
'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' FOR PUFFY.
I'M NOT GONNA CRY. OKAY, LOOK OVER THERE.
WHY IS HE STARING AT US?
WHO?
HIM.
PULL THE SHADE, PINHEAD!
WHATEVER!
YOU'RE SO BAD.
HEY, B, CAN I BORROW YOUR LEATHER JACKET? MY ARMS FEEL REALLY FAT.
YES, OF COURSE YOU CAN. THANKS, B.
OKAY.
YOU LOOK SO PASSION BERRY.
THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.
SO DO YOU. THANK YOU.
COULD YOU COME DOWN HERE, PLEASE?
LOOK, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME. JUST...
COME DOWN.
I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
PLEASE?
YOU DON'T NEED TO SEND THAT. [GASPS, SIGHS]
SAM. GOD, YOU SCARED ME.
DO YOU MIND IF I DELETE THIS? NO, DON'T.
IT IS A RETRACTION, AND I AM SENDING IT TO EVERYONE WHO GOT THE EVIL E-MAIL.
FORGET ABOUT IT, OKAY? IT'S DONE.
I JUST SPENT THE LAST HOUR IN THE A.V. ROOM WITH JOSH FORD.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
ARE YOU EVER GONNA FORGIVE... YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FORGIVE ME.
WHAT CAN I DO? HOW ABOUT NEW BOOTS?
WILL YOU QUIT? I'M HERE TO THANK YOU.
WHY?
CARM, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, RIGHT?
IF YOU HADN'T DROPPED THAT EVIL GUMMI WORM,
JOSH FORD WOULD HAVE NEVER STEPPED FOOT INTO THAT OFFICE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE'S NOT... AT ALL WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS.
SO, UM...
DO YOU LIKE HIM?
DOES THIS MEAN YOU AND HE...
NO.
NO, CARM, WE JUST TALKED.
WELL...
YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, DON'T YOU?
I HEAR THINGS.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR FRIEND SAM IS RIGHT NOW?
SHE'S WITH JOSH, MY EX.
SHE'S BEEN PLANNING THIS FOR A WHILE, HASN'T SHE?
PLANNING WHAT?
DO YOU FIND HER ATTRACTIVE?
SAM? YEAH, I GUESS.
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T REALLY LOOK AT HER THAT WAY.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
DO YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?
COME ON. I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.
DO... YOU...
FIND... ME...
ATTRACTIVE?
MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN SAM?
WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN DRINKING?
WHY CAN'T YOU ANSWER THAT?
I CAN. IT'S JUST... WHAT? HUH?
SAM'S A GOOD FRIEND. YEAH.
YEAH, I KNOW.
EVERYBODY LOVES SAM.
OH, NO. I DON'T FEEL SO WELL.
HEY. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
HELPING HER WALK.
WHEN DID YOU GO FROM BEING A PEEPING TOM TO A BOY SCOUT?
RIGHT ABOUT THE TIME YOUR FRIEND PUKED IN A PRICKER BUSH.
EVEN TALKING ABOUT SAM McPHERSON MAKES ME HURL.
MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO PLAY COCKTAIL WAITRESS,
YOU'LL LET SOMEONE ELSE MIX THE DRINKS, HUH?
LISTEN, SWEETHEART, I'VE GOT TO RUN.
IT'S MOM'S BRIDGE NIGHT, AND IF I'M NOT HOME TO SCOOP MELON BALLS,
I MAY LOSE NEIMAN-MARCUS PRIVILEGES.
YOU PLAN ON DRIVING LIKE THAT?
I GUESS NOT, OFFICER FRIENDLY.
WAIT. WHERE'S SHE GOING?
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING, ARE YOU?
UM, NO, NOT IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO.
STAY HERE. I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
♪ HARD AS ROCK ♪
♪ YOU'RE SOLID AS THE GROUND ♪
HEY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
I TOLD YOU I'D BE A FEW MINUTES LATE.
WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET? WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING HAPPENED.
DID THEY FIRE YOU?
NO, NO ONE FIRED ME. I QUIT, OKAY? IT JUST...
WHY DID YOU QUIT? DO YOU WANT A LIST?
I HOPE YOU HAVE ANOTHER JOB WAITING.
I'LL FIND SOMETHING, OKAY, AND IT WON'T REQUIRE A HAIRNET.
YOU TOLD ME THAT THIS WAS THE ONLY PLACE HIRING RIGHT NOW.
I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO WORK. IT'S JUST NOT GONNA BE HERE, OKAY?
I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORK, LILY.
I NEED YOU TO WORK.
WHY? ARE WE BROKE?
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A LIST?
LILY, IF YOU WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD,
START WITH US.
♪ I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE NOT HERE TONIGHT ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE 'CAUSE YOU ARE WORTH A FIGHT ♪
♪ HARD AS ROCK ♪
♪ YOU'RE SOLID AS THE GROUND ♪
♪ WELL, I'M A CONSTANT RAIN ♪
♪ THAT'S GONNA WEAR YOU DOWN ♪
♪ I GOT MY HANDS ON THE MACHINERY ♪
♪ THAT TURNS THE TIDE AND BRINGS YOU BACK TO ME ♪
♪ YOU'RE NOT GONE FOR GOOD ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'LL BE BACK LATER ♪
YOU KNOW, SKIN DOES NEED TO BREATHE.
DID YOU SLEEP IN THAT THING?
I DON'T REMEMBER. UH-HUH.
RUMOR HAS IT YOU SPENT THE NIGHT IN BROOKE McQUEEN'S BEDROOM.
I DID.
[IMITATES CAT SCREECHING] WASN'T EXACTLY CINEMAX.
SHE WAS KINDA UNCONSCIOUS.
OKAY, HELP ME OUT HERE. WHERE WAS I?
ENTERTAINING JOSH FORD. CARE TO SHARE WITH THE CLASS?
OH, YEAH. MM-HMM. NO. MM-MM.
MY LIPS ARE SEALED.
OH, LOOK. PRINCE PUP-TENT AWAITS.
GO.
HEY.
HEY. I WAS THIS CLOSE TO CALLING YOU THIS MORNING.
I'M TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS INTO FRENCH, AND I'M DOING A CRUDDY JOB.
WHAT IS THIS? IT'S A POEM.
LYRICS. WHATEVER.
I-- YOU SORT OF INSPIRED ME LAST MIGHT.
YOU WROTE THIS? YEAH.
WELL, SORT OF.
UH... NOT REALLY. IT'S--
I COPIED IT OFF OF ONE OF MY BROTHER'S ALBUMS.
IS THIS FOR YOU?
WELL, I MIGHT GET UP THE NERVE TO GIVE IT TO SOMEONE,
SO LONG AS NOBODY POSTS IT ON THE BULLETIN BOARD FIRST.
YEAH.
OH. HEY.
HEY.
OH.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT FOR ME.
THEY WON'T LET ME TAKE ANYTHING OUT
TILL I RETURN THAT BOOK ON CHER.
OKAY. I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU LATER. OKAY.
HEY.
MY DAD SAID THAT WHEN HE GOT HOME LAST NIGHT
THAT YOU WERE SITTING IN OUR DEN READING.
YOU TOLD HIM I GOT SICK ON A BAD FALAFEL?
YEAH, I DID.
I DIDN'T KNOW-- NO, IT WAS SMART.
HE WOULD'VE TOTALLY KILLED ME IF HE KNEW THE TRUTH.
I'LL NEVER DO THAT ONE AGAIN.
MADE A COMPLETE IDIOT OF MYSELF.
NO. YOU WERE JUST UPSET.
YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO STAY WITH ME.
YEAH, I KNOW. IT WAS FUN.
WELL, IT WASN'T FUN FOR YOU. NO.
IT-- IT'S OKAY.
THANKS A LOT, HARRISON.
BYE.
ARE YOU SURE THAT'S THE RIGHT TENSE? MM-HMM.
WHY ARE YOU TRANSLATING THIS ANYWAY?
I DON'T KNOW. EVERYTHING JUST SOUNDS BETTER IN FRENCH.
IT'S MORE ROMANTIC.
ACTUALLY, I THINK IT SOUNDS PRETTY HOT IN ENGLISH.
YEAH? YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GIVE IT TO HER LIKE THIS.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD.
[MS. ROSS] NO MATTER HOW MUCH POWER ANY MORTAL ACHIEVES,
SHE COULD STILL BE HUMBLED BY SOMETHING LARGER
AND MORE POWERFUL.
WHAT ABOUT BOARDING SCHOOL IN SWITZERLAND?
I DON'T LIKE THEIR POLITICS.
IT'S A NEUTRAL COUNTRY.
THERE'S NO SUCH THING.
TAKE THESE HOME.
WHY? I HATE RELISH. JUST TAKE THEM.
TAKE SOMETHING.
LILY? [SIGHS]
COMING!
BYE.
DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU AND JOSH--
OH, PLEASE!
HE LIVES IN A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE.
COULD YOU REALLY SEE ME TALKING FOOTBALL,
WATCHING SPAWN,
AND TRANSLATING SAPPY LOVE SONGS INTO FRENCH?
YEAH, I DID.
ME, TOO.
I THINK MY SCALP'S STARTING TO BUBBLE.
SEE, I LIKE YOUR HAIRCUT.
MAKES YOU LOOK SWEET.
LIKE YOU WERE JUST... HATCHED.
NICE COVER. [LAUGHS]
HEY, LOOK.
WHAT?
THE WIND. IT STOPPED.
IT DID.
♪ IT FEELS LIKE ♪
♪ EVERYTHING STAYS THE SAME ♪
♪ WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE ♪
♪ NOTHING'S GONNA EVER CHANGE ♪
♪ TO BEND AND NOT TO BREAK ♪
♪ CHIN UP, TRY NOT TO QUAKE ♪
♪ I'M GRINNING ON THE OUTSIDE ♪
♪ BUT I'M A WRECK INTERNALLY ♪
♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪