455, 456,
457.
HI, SANTA BABY. PUT A HALO UNDER MY TREE. THANK YOU.
WOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WE ALMOST RAISED OUR ENTIRE UNICEF GOAL
ONE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
NIC, HELLO. THAT'S A SQUAD RECORD. AMAZING.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S AMAZING?
WHAT?
WE COULD BUY A PRADA JACKET AND A GUCCI TAMPON HOLDER
AND NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW.
HI, HONEY. THAT'S A JOKE.
OH.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT?
MARLEY JACOB WOULD BE SO PROUD OF US
FOR THIS FUNDRAISING, YOU KNOW?
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S BEEN GONE A YEAR.
FEELS LIKE FOREVER.
YOU GUYS WERE GOOD FRIENDS, WEREN'T YOU?
BEFORE WE BECAME REALLY CLOSE?
OH.
DO YOU HAVE A PAD? I'M OUT.
OH. THANK YOU.
I MISS HER.
DO YOU MISS HER THIS TIME OF YEAR?
AULD LANG SYNE AND ALL?
HELL, YES, I MISS HER. SHE TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW.
PRACTICE THOSE WORDS OVER AND OVER, LIKE I TAUGHT YOU.
MAKE IT A MANTRA, DARLING.
'CAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT YOU TO SAY AT MY FUNERAL.
MARLEY? MAYBE THIS ISN'T MY PLACE,
BEING A NEWBIE,
BUT MAYBE TO AVOID THE FUNERAL,
YOU SHOULD EAT SOMETHING.
AH. MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE THAT BUFFET TABLE A PASS.
YOUR ARMS ARE FAT. THANK YOU.
NOW, HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE WE COLLECTED FOR UNICEF?
$360. THIS IS GONNA HELP SO MANY PEOPLE.
WHAT? ARE YOU STUPID?
THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT THIS IS GONNA HELP ARE US.
BROOKE McQUEEN WAS SAYING...
WHAT MISSY MORAL CO-CAPTAIN DOESN'T KNOW...
WON'T HURT HER.
ARE YOU IN... OR ARE YOU OUT?
YOU DO REALIZE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE OUT.
DON'T YOU?
YOU KNOW, HON, IF YOU'RE GONNA BE ON THE SQUAD
AND BE ONE OF MY POPULAR GIRLS,
NEW CLOTHES AREN'T ENOUGH. YOU NEED TO STYLE THE HAIR,
GET DISPOSABLE LENSES.
GET INTO MY GROOVE.
COMPLETELY.
SURE, MARLEY, ANYTHING.
MARLEY? YOU OKAY?
SHOULD I GET YOU SOME CARBOHYDRATES?
NIC? HEY.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SAW A GHOST. YOU OKAY?
YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION.
UM, YEAH, DO I MISS MARLEY JACOB?
YEAH, SURE I DO.
OH, HI, CARM. HEY.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE CAFETERIA, DOWN THE HALL.
ACTUALLY, NICOLE, I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.
I HEARD ABOUT THE CHEERLEADER UNICEF CHRISTMAS FUNDRAISER, AND I WANT TO CONTRIBUTE.
SO, A WEEK'S WORTH OF LUNCH MONEY.
CARMEN, THAT'S SO GREAT. THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
RIGHT, NIC?
YEAH, IT'S GREAT. THANKS, HON.
BYE, CARMEN. BYE.
HEY, CARM.
F.Y.I, WANNABE. YOU CAN BROWN-NOSE ALL YOU WANT TO,
BUT IT'S NOT GONNA EARN YOU EXTRA POINTS DURING SECOND SEMESTER CHEERLEADER TRYOUTS.
I DIDN'T GIVE MONEY BECAUSE I WANTED SOMETHING, NICOLE.
I GAVE BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS.
BAH, HUMBUG.
♪ THINK IT OVER ONCE OR TWICE ♪
♪ WHAT LASTS THE LONGEST IN THIS LIFE ♪
♪ CHARACTER OR ROCK-HARD THIGHS ♪
♪ IN THE END DO YOU BELIEVE ♪
♪ THAT BEAUTY LIES IN WHAT YOU SEE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DO, THEN, BABY ♪
♪ YOU'VE BEEN DECEIVED ♪
♪ WELL, ME AND B ♪
♪ WE HATE SUPERMODELS ♪
♪ IT'S JUST THAT I'M TIRED OF BEING COMPARED ♪
GUYS, I HOPE I DON'T SOUND TOO CORNBALL,
BUT, REALLY, THIS IS THE PRETTIEST CHRISTMAS TREE EVER.
IT'S GREAT IF YOU'RE INTO A JAMES BOND CHRISTMAS.
WHY ARE WE DECORATING A FAKE METAL TREE?
CHRISTMAS TREES WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GREEN AND SMELL GOOD.
WE DESIGNED THIS TREE TO GO WITH THE HOUSE.
OKAY, I'M GONNA GET SOME GARLAND TO PUT ON THE STAIRCASE.
REAL GREENERY WITH FIELD BERRIES AND PINE CONES.
GREAT. DO THAT, SAM, AND ENJOY CLEANING UP ALL THAT MOUSE DOODY
THAT A SLOPPY ORGANIC CHRISTMAS INEVITABLY LEADS TO.
DAD, WE HAVE TO GO TO ART'S HOUSE OF MEAT BY THURSDAY.
I NEED A GOOD TURKEY FOR MY CHRISTMAS PARTY.
BROOKE, YOU THROW A PARTY ON CHRISTMAS?
YEAH, EVERY YEAR. OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE. I DO THE SAME THING.
MY FRIENDS SPEND CHRISTMAS DAY WITH THEIR FAMILIES
AND THEN COME TO OUR HOUSE
TO EAT AND DISS THE BAD PRESENTS THEY GOT.
UGH!
THIS YEAR, WHY DON'T WE MERGE?
WE'LL HAVE ONE BIG PARTY.
WHAT?
SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
"BOOTS, SHOCK THERAPY, ARSENIC..."
HOW ABOUT A NEW DREAM?
CARM, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEG?
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW SECOND SEMESTER CHEERLEADER SQUAD AUDITIONS
ARE IN TWO WEEKS?
YEAH. I THOUGHT I'D GET A LEG UP,
NO PUN INTENDED,
BY TAKING THIS HIP-HOP CLASS AFTER SCHOOL.
I REALLY WANTED TO MAKE IT THIS TIME.
SO, ANYWAY, I WAS PRACTICING THIS TOTALLY COMPLICATED SASSY MOVE
THAT WOULD, LIKE, IMPRESS THEM,
AND I FELT MY ANKLE SNAP.
AND NOW, I DON'T GET TO AUDITION.
CARM, MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK AT YOUR CRIPPLING TRAGEDY
AS A BLESSING.
YOU'VE TAKEN YOURSELF OUT OF THE RUNNING FOR CHEERLEADING.
WE WON'T HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU.
SIT DOWN, FERRARA.
WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF THE SEMESTER,
MY LITTLE TERRORS.
IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT YOU HAVE BEEN
MY NASTIEST, MOST DISOBEDIENT CLASS EVER.
AS TODAY DAWNED, I SAID TO MYSELF,
"BOBBI GLASS, GIVE THOSE LITTLE BRATS THE FINAL."
IN LATIN!
[ALL] WHAT?
I DON'T SPEAK LATIN.
AND THEN I REMEMBERED, IT'S CHRISTMAS.
TO ME, THE MEANING OF THE SEASON CAN BE CONVEYED
IN ONLY ONE WORD-- GIVE.
UNTIL IT HURTS.
SO THAT'S WHAT I'VE DECIDED TO DO.
OH!
MISS GLASS, SIR.
PRESENTS FOR US?
IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS,
YOU ALL GET A HOMEMADE FRUITCAKE AND CATNIP TOY.
OH.
AND ALL YOUR G.P.A.'s RAISED HALF A POINT
WITHOUT BENEFIT OF THE FINAL, WHICH IS CANCELED.
BAH, HUMBUG.
I'M SORRY. WHAT WAS THAT? WHO SAID THAT?
OH, HI. I DID.
I'VE BEEN SAYING IT FOR A WEEK.
BAH, HUMBUG.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO EXPLAIN THAT RESPONSE?
WITH PLEASURE.
ALL YEAR LONG, YOU'VE BEEN MAKING OUR TEEN LIVES DIFFICULT
WITH YOUR INSANELY COMPLICATED TESTS AND HOURS OF HOMEWORK,
AND NOW YOU EXPECT MY HEART TO EXPAND FOR YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE PASSING OUT THESE HIDEOUS FLOUR TIRES
THAT I'M GONNA END UP USING AS A DOORSTOP?
FAT CHANCE.
MISS JULIAN, A.K.A. SATAN'S CHILD,
MAY I REMIND YOU, YOU'RE ON THE WRONG HOLIDAY.
HALLOWEEN WAS TWO MONTHS AGO.
YOU CAN PUT AWAY YOUR HORNS AND RED SCALY TAIL.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT, MISS.
CLEARLY.
OH, I DO. IT'S THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN THE SUICIDE RATE IS HIGHEST,
WHEN LONELY, DELUDED PEOPLE PRETEND TO FEEL COMFORT AND JOY
AND CRASH LATER BECAUSE THEY'RE LEFT WITH CREDIT CARD DEBT.
CHRISTMAS IS JUST A SILLY HOLIDAY, KEPT ALIVE
TO BOLSTER THE NATIONAL ECONOMIC INDEX AND RELIEVE A LITTLE GUILT.
THAT BEING SAID, I REPEAT,
BAH, HUMBUG.
MISS GLASS,
THERE'S A CAT HAIR IN MY FRUITCAKE.
AWESOME.
SEE YOU AT THE STUPID CHRISTMAS LANE MALL AT 4:00,
AND DON'T BE LATE. I'VE GOT A BRAZILIAN WAX BOOKED AT 6:00.
GEESH.
♪ CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE ♪
♪ HAPPINESS AND CHEER ♪
♪ FUN FOR ALL, THE CHILDREN CALL ♪
♪ THEIR FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR ♪
♪ YOO-LEEEE-HOOO ♪
♪ SNOWFLAKES IN THE AIR ♪ ♪ SNOWFLAKES IN THE AIR ♪
♪ CAROLS EVERYWHERE ♪ ♪ CAROLS EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ OLDEN TIMES AND ANCIENT RHYMES ♪
♪ OF LOVE AND DREAMS TO SHARE ♪
♪ TO SHARE ♪
JUST ONE MORE GIFT AND MY SHOPPING'S DONE.
OOH, LET'S HIT THAT KIOSK OVER THERE.
LOOK, MARY CHERRY. IT'S HARRISON CLAUS.
YOU MEAN, JOE CLAUS.
HO-HO! LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
ALL YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS BABY DIARRHEA DOLL?
♪ COME ALL, YE FAITHFUL ♪
♪ JOYFUL AND TRIUMPHANT ♪
♪ OH, COME YE, OH, COME YE TO BETHLEHEM ♪
MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO SHARE EVERYTHING
WITH THAT LITTLE NUTCRACKER.
YEP, INCLUDING MY TRADITIONS.
CARM? COME ON, CHEER UP, OKAY?
YOU CAN AUDITION FOR CHEERLEADING NEXT YEAR WHEN YOU'RE HEALED.
I KNOW. I KNOW. IT'S JUST... [SIGHS]
OKAY, MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION THIS YEAR, FOR THE FIRST TIME,
WAS NOT GONNA BE TO DIET.
BECAUSE I AM TOTALLY THROUGH WITH THAT.
IT WAS GONNA BE TO FOLLOW MY PASSION, YOU KNOW.
AND DANCING'S MY PASSION.
BUT, LOOK, IT'S CHRISTMAS, RIGHT?
TIME TO BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE,
NOT WHAT YOU WANT.
I MEAN, THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WORSE OFF THAN I AM.
LIKE THEM, FOR EXAMPLE.
YEAH.
IT'S TRUE, ISN'T IT? I MEAN, IF WE FEEL LIKE OUTSIDERS,
WHAT DO FREDDY GONG, EMORY DICK, AND THE TUNA TWINS FEEL LIKE?
WE FEEL REALLY BAD, BUT WE DON'T EVER DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS?
BECAUSE THEY REPRESENT TO US EVERYTHING THAT WE'RE AFRAID OF BEING.
UNLIKED AND UNPOPULAR.
IT'S JUST FEAR AND IGNORANCE THAT KEEPS US
FROM BREAKING BREAD WITH THEM IN THE CAFETERIA.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT'S TIME EMORY AND HIS POSSE GOT A GROUP SECRET SANTA.
HEY, YOU GUYS, UM, I WAS THINKING.
I THINK THIS YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS, WE AS A SQUAD SHOULD, UM...
GIVE A GIFT. I WANT TO GIVE CARMEN FERRARA THE FIFTH SLOT.
I'M WITH YOU ON THIS, DARLING.
NOW, CARMEN FERRARA MAY NOT BE THE STEREOTYPICAL RAVING BEAUTY LIKE ME,
BUT AS THIS SEMESTER'S PROGRESSED, I'VE NOTICED SHE'S GOT TRES SPIRIT.
CARMEN'S GREAT. AND SHE'S PRETTY AND NICE
AND SHE CAN SHAKE HER ASS LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS.
IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON, LET'S DO IT.
OKAY, THEN, IT'S UNANIMOUS.
RIGHT?
NIC?
SURE, I'LL PUT CARM ON THE SQUAD
WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER AND/OR MELISSA JOAN HART GETS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR.
NIC, COME ON. YOU'VE SEEN THE ADVANCED AUDITION LIST.
CARMEN IS FAR AND AWAY THE BEST DANCER.
I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE THIS GESTURE WOULD BE A COMPROMISE.
YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING REALLY IRRITATED WITH THIS SPIRIT OF THE SEASON CRAP
AND THE CODDLE CARMEN MOVEMENT.
DO YOU THINK IT WOULD KILL YOU TO LOSE THE ATTITUDE FOR ONE DAY?
YOU WANT A CHARITY AND WE'VE GOT ONE.
I'M OFF RIGHT NOW TO DROP OFF DONATIONS.
SEE YOU LATER.
Y'ALL,
AFTER THAT CRUEL DIATRIBE, I KNOW WHAT TO GET NIC FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.
A HUNK... OF COAL.
I THINK SHE'S ACTING THIS WAY BECAUSE OF MARLEY.
SHE DIED THIS TIME LAST YEAR,
AND I JUST DON'T THINK NICOLE'S REALLY EVER DEALT WITH IT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, PRINCIPAL HALL. OF COURSE, YOU MUST KNOW WHY I'M HERE.
OH, IT IS WONDERFUL TO SMELL YOU TODAY, MISS JULIAN.
OF COURSE I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.
EVERY YEAR, THE CHEERLEADERS RAISE A PRETTY PENNY FOR UNICEF.
IT IS A WONDERFUL, GIVING TRADITION YOU GIRLS HAVE STARTED.
YES, WELL, EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS.
THERE YOU GO. FELIZ NAVIDAD, PRINCIPAL HALL.
FELIZ NAVIDAD, MISS JULIAN.
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA BA-RUMP-A-PUM-PUM ♪
WELCOME TO CLINIQUE. MAY I HELP YOU?
WELL, WELL.
IF IT ISN'T BIO-GLASS.
EARNING A LITTLE EXTRA CASH FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
UH, ACTUALLY, YES, MISS JULIAN.
MY SISTER, NURSE JESSI GLASS, HAS HAD A HANKERING FOR A HAIRLESS PUSSY.
SHE SAW THAT AUSTIN POWERS SEQUEL SIX TIMES THIS YEAR.
SHE JUST LOVES DR. EVIL'S CAT.
I WANT TO MAKE HER CHRISTMAS DREAMS COME TRUE,
BUT THOSE PUSSYCATS AIN'T CHEAP.
SO THE JOB CAME UP, I NEEDED THE CASH, AND I ALREADY HAD THE LAB COAT.
HOW WONDERFUL FOR YOU, MISS GLASS, TO BE IN AN ENVIRONMENT
WHERE THE CUSTOMER'S ALWAYS RIGHT. QUITE A CHANGE OF PACE
FROM THE FASCIST EDUCATOR TECHNIQUES YOU EMPLOY IN THE CLASSROOM, HUH?
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SAMPLE OF OUR DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT MOISTURIZER?
I'M HERE FOR EXFOLIATION PURPOSES.
I'LL TAKE THE CLARIFYING LOTION NUMBER FOUR.
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING ELSE TODAY, MISS JULIAN?
YES. YOUR MANAGER, YOU STUPID FOOL.
MANAGER!
MANAGER, I NEED HELP.
I'M GOTTFRIED, CLINIQUE MANAGER ON DUTY. MAY I HELP YOU?
YES, YOUR INCOMPETENT SALESWOMAN HERE
JUST SOLD ME THE NUMBER FOUR CLARIFYING LOTION.
[GASPS] I KNOW.
WITH MY DELICATE, FAIR COMPLEXION, I NEED THE NUMBER ONE.
MISS GLASS, NUMBER FOUR IS FOR OILY COMPLEXION ONLY.
IT IS AN INTENSE EXFOLIANT.
I-- I DIDN'T KNOW.
I AM TIRED OF INFORMING YOU ABOUT A PRODUCT
OF WHICH YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE EDUCATED.
I'M SORRY. I JUST DON'T USE THESE PRODUCTS.
APPARENTLY.
YOU'VE GOT PORES THE SIZE OF HUBCAPS.
NOT A GOOD FACE TO BE PUSHING PRODUCTS.
MISS BOBBI GLASS, SIR,
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU ARE DISCHARGED.
OH, PLEASE, SIR.
I'M A TEACHER ON A LIMITED INCOME. I NEED THIS JOB.
I'M SORRY. YOU'RE FIRED.
MISS JULIAN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[ECHOING VOICE] NICOLE.
NICOLE!
♪♪
[BELLS TOLLING]
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
MUCH.
[CHAINS RATTLING]
WHO ARE YOU?
IN LIFE, I WAS YOUR CHEERLEADER MENTOR.
MARLEY JACOB.
OH, MY GOD, MARLEY. IS THAT REALLY YOU?
I ALWAYS KNEW YOU HAD NO BOWELS, BUT NOW I CAN SEE IT SO CLEARLY.
YOU'RE SO LUCKY.
DO YOU BELIEVE?
SURE, CHER.
AHHHH!
OKAY, I BELIEVE, HEINOUS APPARITION. WHY DO YOU HAUNT ME?
TO WARN YOU, NICOLE JULIAN.
LEARN FROM ME.
I AM CONDEMNED TO WALK THIS EARTH FOREVER,
TO SEE OVER AND OVER
WHAT I MIGHT HAVE SHARED AND TURNED INTO HAPPINESS.
I WEAR CHAINS I MADE IN MY OWN LIFE.
I MADE IT OF MY OWN FREE WILL
WHEN I IGNORED THE UNPOPULAR AND THE SUFFERING
AND DEDICATED MY EVERY WAKING MOMENT
TO BEING A GREEDY,
HARD-ASS, SELF-CENTERED BITCH!
AHHHH!
BUT TONIGHT, YOU WILL BE HAUNTED BY THREE SPIRITS.
EXPECT THE FIRST WHEN THE BELL CHIMES 1:00.
REST ASSURED,
I WILL HAUNT YOUR EVERY EIGHT-COUNT AND POST-LUNCH PURGE
UNLESS YOU SEE THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS.
REMEMBER ME.
[CLOCK TOLLS]
LOOK, I TOLD YOU I DON'T NEED THE DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT MOISTURIZER. CAPISCE?
I COME NOT TO HYDRATE, BUT TO WARN.
I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST.
GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED. YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
TO SEE CLEARLY EVENTS THAT HAVE BEEN,
TERRIFYING EVENTS THAT WILL INFORM A POTENTIALLY DREADFUL FUTURE.
ARE WE GOING FAR?
FAR INDEED! AS LONG AS YOUR LIFE, NICOLE JULIAN.
[COOING]
SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
YES, YOU ARE.
THAT'S ME?
MOTHER?
YES, THAT'S HER.
WHY ISN'T SHE PICKING ME UP?
SHE NEVER DID.
NOT ONCE, WHEN YOU WERE VULNERABLE AND IN NEED OF LOVING CARE.
SHE WANTED TO BE SOMETHING, ANYTHING OTHER THAN A MOTHER, I'M AFRAID.
WE DON'T GET ALONG.
APPARENTLY, WE DIDN'T GET ALONG EVEN BACK THEN.
I HATE HER.
THERE IS ONE WHO CARED.
OTHER THAN CALVIN KLEIN, SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON YOU'VE EVER LOVED.
NANA.
NANA, I'M HERE.
SHE CANNOT HEAR YOU, MY DEAR.
THESE ARE BUT SHADOWS OF THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN.
THEY HAVE NO CONSCIOUSNESS OF US.
THEN WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE?
OH, MY DEAR, LOST CHILD.
ALTHOUGH YOU'VE TURNED INTO A SPITEFUL, BILIOUS HAG,
YOU DIDN'T START OUT THAT WAY.
YOU WERE PURE ONCE AND UNCORRUPTED.
BAD CHILDREN AREN'T BORN THAT WAY.
CRUELTY IS A TAUGHT SKILL.
OH, MY GOD, VANILLA ICE IS SO HOT. I WANT TO MARRY VANILLA ICE.
I WANT TO MARRY M.C. HAMMER.
I WANT TO MARRY ALL THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?
SCHOOL. I NEVER GOT TO SIT WITH MANDY SHEPHERD AND ARIEL MURPHY.
YOU NEVER GOT TO SIT WITH ANYBODY, DID YOU?
THAT'S NOT ME.
YES, IT IS, DEAR. NO, IT'S NOT.
OKAY, LOOK, SEE, HON. I'M A SPIRIT.
I HAVE SUPERNATURAL POWERS OF CLAIRVOYANCE.
THAT LITTLE PORKER WAS YOU.
LET'S GET HER.
ASS-FACE. PILLOW-BITER.
TOE JAM SNACKER.
SCUMBELINA. SKANK-BREATH.
TONGUE-SHAVER. TINKER-SMELL.
YOU NEVER CRIED. NOT ONCE.
I COULDN'T.
I WOULDN'T.
'CAUSE THEN THEY'D WIN.
WHAT IS IT, BABY?
I'M UGLY.
OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT, SWEETHEART.
COME SIT ON GRANDMA'S LAP.
THERE WE ARE.
NOW, THERE IS A BEAUTIFUL PERSON INSIDE OF YOU,
JUST READY TO SHINE THROUGH.
AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS SMILE.
THERE.
I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.
AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
I THINK AFTER THE DAY WE'VE HAD TODAY
THAT WE DESERVE IT. DON'T YOU THINK?
[♪♪ CLASSICAL]
PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE ME.
OH. I PROMISE.
I WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER LEAVE YOU.
♪♪ [MUSIC BOX]
SHE LEFT ME.
AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN SAY GOOD-BYE.
I'M DONE WITH THIS.
NO, HATEFUL ONE, YOU'RE NOT.
YOUR JOURNEY'S JUST BEGINNING.
THIS IS KENNEDY HIGH, WHERE I GO TO SCHOOL.
INDEED, AND YOUR REIGN OF TERROR BEGAN ONE YEAR AGO.
I LOOK SO HOT.
YES, YOU DO.
WHEN MARLEY DIED OF ANOREXIA,
YOU SUCKED UP HER SPOTLIGHT WITHIN A MONTH.
SO WHAT?
SHE HAD THE BEST FACIALS, THE BEST HAIRDRESSER.
WITH MARLEY OUT OF THE PICTURE, I HAD CO-CAPTAIN NEEDS.
WITH HER OUT OF THE PICTURE, THE TRACE OF HUMANITY THAT ONCE PULSED IN YOUR VEINS
WAS REPLACED BY ICE.
ASS-FACE!
PILLOW-BITER.
SCUMBELINA.
SKANK-BREATH.
THIS YEAR YOUR VILLAINY HAS BEEN EXCEPTIONAL.
GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY, DID YOU EVER TRY TO EASE PAIN AND UNCERTAINTY?
OH, HEY, BROOKY, YOUR NEW ROOMMATE, SAM McPHERSON,
I OVERHEARD HER TELLING EVERYONE IN FRENCH CLASS THAT YOU BITE YOUR TOENAILS.
WHAT?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIND HER AND SLAP HER IN THE FACE.
[SCOFFS]
LIES. ALL LIES.
OH, HEY, SPAM, GUESS WHAT.
YOUR NEW ROOMIE, I OVERHEAD HER TELLING THE HOT GUYS ON THE TEAM
THAT SHE SAW YOU NAKED AND YOU HAVE CELLULITE.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET A DATE NOW, COTTAGE CHEESE THIGHS,
BUT YOUR LEGS COULD OPEN A SALAD BAR.
I WAS JUST HAVING FUN.
AT EVERYONE'S EXPENSE BUT YOUR OWN.
EVEN WHEN CONFRONTED BY YOURSELF,
YOU STILL CHOOSE ILL WILL OVER EMPATHY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I LOVE MYSELF.
I TREAT MYSELF RELIGIOUSLY. I GET A MANI AND A PEDI...
THE PERSON WHO WAS THE NICOLE OF OLD, THE TRUE NICOLE,
IS THE PERSON YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO DESTROY THE MOST.
WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?
THAT I'M CARMEN?
AREN'T YOU? LOOK CLOSER.
WHY IS...
WHY IS CARMEN CRYING?
HER TEARS TODAY WERE A RESULT OF A CRUEL TAUNT.
HER TEARS WERE BECAUSE YOU DENIED HER
THE ONE THING THAT WOULD'VE MADE HER FEEL ACCEPTED.
CHEERLEADING.
WELL, I'M NOT HER.
I'M UGLY.
I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
YOU HAVEN'T.
LOOK AT CARMEN.
LOOK AT YOURSELF.
NO, I WON'T.
YOU MUST. NO, I WON'T.
I WON'T! I WON'T!
I WON'T. I WON'T.
[CLOCK TOLLS]
[BELLS JINGLE]
MARY CHERRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I AM THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!
IS YOUR HEART STILL UNMOVED BY WHAT YOU'VE SEEN TONIGHT?
LOOK, I'VE TRIED GETTING HELP,
BUT I'M ALWAYS SMARTER THAN THE THERAPISTS THEY SEND ME TO.
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE
TO DEAL WITH MENTAL HEALTH AND CHRISTMAS IN MY OWN WAY.
WE SHOULD NOT LIVE CHRISTMAS ONLY ONE DAY,
BUT RATHER, CELEBRATE IT IN SPIRIT ALL THE DAYS OF THE YEAR.
NOW, YOU'VE CHOSEN NOT TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS
IN YOUR COLD, STEELY HEART.
THEREFORE, YOU'RE GONNA COME WITH ME
TO THE CHRISTMAS ABOUT TO BE
AND WITNESS IT IN THE HEARTS OF TEENS OF GOOD WILL.
NOW, MY MAGICAL STAR OF BETHLEHEM FACSIMILE, PURCHASED AT NEIMAN MARCUS,
WILL GUIDE US WITH ITS SHINING LIGHT.
WOW. CHECK IT OUT.
YOU KNOW, UM...
DESPITE THE HELL OF LIVING WITH YOU,
I'M KIND OF GLAD THEY FOUND EACH OTHER.
ME, TOO.
WAIT A MINUTE. THEY HATE EACH OTHER!
THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO EACH OTHER.
HERE.
WHAT IS IT, A BOMB?
NO, I BOUGHT YOU A LITTLE GIFT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THAT'S SO SWEET.
HERE, GOT YOU ONE, TOO.
WOW.
YEAH. SHALL WE?
RADIOHEAD CONCERT TICKETS?
SAM, THAT'S SO GREAT.
THEY'RE ONE OF MY FAVORITE BANDS. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE THEM.
NO, I DO. THANKS.
NO PROBLEM.
WHAT'S THIS?
YOU KNOW WHEN WE HAD TO GO TO DINNER FOR JANE'S BIRTHDAY,
AND THEY MADE US POSE LIKE A FAMILY?
YEAH, I HATED THAT NIGHT.
YEAH, ME, TOO. BUT, UM...
I REALLY LOVE THAT PICTURE. YOU LOOK REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
OKAY.
IF EVEN SAM AND BROOKE CAN MAKE PEACE FOR ONE DAY OF THE YEAR,
THEN THERE'S HOPE FOR ALL MANKIND.
EVEN YOU, NIC.
HEY, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MISS McQUEEN!
LET ME JUST SAY WHAT AN HONOR IT IS...
TO BREATHE IN YOUR HEADY CHRISTMAS OXYGEN.
UM, NOT KNOWING WHERE THE EVENING WILL TAKE US,
I'VE BROUGHT PRECAUTIONARY SHRUBBERY.
EMORY, WHAT IS THAT STUFF?
IT'S MISTLETOE.
YOU OWE ME BIG TIME FOR THIS ONE.
MR. McQUEEN, MR. McPHERSON, WE JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
HOW MUCH WE APPRECIATE BROOKE AND SAM'S CHRISTMAS BASH.
FOR YOU COOL SUBURBANITES
TO OPEN UP YOUR DESIGNER SHOW HOME
FOR FREAKS LIKE US, WELL...
IT'S REALLY NICE. THANK YOU.
NO, WE LOVE HAVING YOU HERE.
UM, EXCUSE ME.
HEY, CARMEN, UM...
LOOK, I KNOW IT'S A DRAG YOU HAVE TO TRY OUT AGAIN,
BUT IT HAS TO BE A UNANIMOUS VOTE.
IT'S COOL. I UNDERSTAND.
OKAY. OKAY, WAIT.
EMORY DICK IS AT BROOKE'S WITH THE TUNA TWINS,
AND BROOKE IS PATRONIZING SOCIAL OUTCAST, CARMEN FERRARA,
WITH VEGETABLE-DICING SWEET-TALK.
SEE, NOW I KNOW I'M DREAMING.
NO, IT'S NOT A DREAM, EVIL BITTER GAL. SEE, IT'S THE SEASON.
ALSO, HON, YOU MAY WANT TO SWITCH FROM THAT COOKIE TO A CELERY STICK
BEFORE WE MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT RIVETING CHRISTMAS TABLEAU
'CAUSE IF YOUR HEINIE GETS ANY BIGGER,
I'M AFRAID WE WON'T BE ABLE TO FLY.
YO. YO!
AN APPLE JUICE TOAST TO BROOKE
AND SAM FOR THROWING A SLAMMIN' CHRISTMAS PARTY.
[ALL] HEAR! HEAR! CHEERS.
I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST, TOO.
TO FAMILIES.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
TO ALL OF US.
GOD BLESS US.
GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE.
THIS IS GREAT, ISN'T IT?
EVERYONE WHO WAS INVITED CAME. THANKS, GUYS.
WELL, ALMOST EVERYONE. NIC'S NOT HERE.
MAYBE SHE'S AT HOME, POLISHING HER BROOMSTICK.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW ANYONE CAN BOYCOTT CHRISTMAS.
YOU GUYS, I HAVE ONE WORD, AND IT'S KARMA.
WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND.
I'D STILL LIKE TO RAISE A TOAST.
TO NICOLE.
I AM NOT RAISING A TOAST TO HER.
I WISH SHE WERE HERE. I'D GIVE THE WITCH A PIECE OF MY MIND.
COME ON, SAMMIE. 'TIS THE SEASON, RIGHT?
IT SHOULD BE CHRISTMAS ON WHICH ONE RAISES A GLASS OF HEALTH
TO SUCH AN ODIOUS, STINGY, HARD, UNFEELING WRETCH
AS NICOLE JULIAN.
UM, SAM, I THINK THAT THE BOYS ARE RIGHT.
WE COULD TRY TO FORGIVE AND FORGET.
MAYBE A LITTLE... JUST CHRISTMAS.
GOOD FOR YOU, CARMEN. THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
OKAY, I WILL DRINK FOR YOUR SAKE AND FOR THE DAYS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.
TO NICOLE. [ALL] TO NICOLE.
THEY WERE KIND TO ME AND DRANK A TOAST TO MY HAPPINESS,
EVEN THOUGH I MAKE MOST OF THEIR LIVES A LIVING HELL.
[BEEPING]
OH!
HARK!
MY TIME UPON THIS EARTH IS BRIEF.
IT ENDS TONIGHT.
THE HOUR OF NO RETURN IS NEAR.
ALMS FOR THE POOR!
ALMS FOR THE POOR.
WHO WILL GIVE
TO SAVE THE WRETCHED OF THE WORLD?
OH, SPIRIT. WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME HERE?
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO SEE.
BEWARE, FOR IT IS TRULY TERRIFYING.
LOOK HERE, MORTAL WOMAN. LOOK DOWN AND BE AFRAID!
WHOSE ARE THEY, SPIRIT? ARE THEY YOURS?
THEY ARE MAN'S.
THEY CLING TO ME AS POPULARITY OUTCASTS.
THE GIRL IS FEAR. THE DIRT-EATER IS IGNORANCE.
BEWARE THEM BOTH, BUT MOST OF ALL,
BEWARE THE UNPOPULAR DIRT-EATER.
FOR ON HER BROW, I SEE WRITTEN YOUR FATE.
[BELL TOLLS] DOOM!
[ALL] DOOM!
ODIOUS, STINGY, HARD, UNFEELING WRETCH!
DOOM!
ARE YOU THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME?
I FEAR YOU MOST OF ALL.
ONCE THE SINGLE CELL MUTATES...
I CAN'T STUDY.
MY HEART HURTS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S GONE.
SHE'S THE NICEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET.
MAYBE SHE'S AT PEACE NOW, YOU KNOW?
ARE YOU OKAY, BROOKE?
SPIRIT, IT'S ME THAT PASSED ON,
FOREVER YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL AT 16, RIGHT?
HOW DID I GO?
DRUNK DRIVER?
TOO MUCH LIPOSUCTION?
YOU GUYS, HERE COMES SAM. PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY?
IT MAKES HER SO UPSET.
HEY, CAN I STUDY WITH YOU GUYS?
SURE.
SO, DID YOU THINK OF BOO TODAY? OW.
ACTUALLY, I DID. I DO EVERY DAY.
TODAY I PUT A CHRISTMAS WREATH UP ON HER TOMBSTONE.
DO YOU TALK TO HER?
I DO SOMETIMES.
WAIT. I'M CONFUSED.
I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW BROOKE WOULD BE DEVASTATED
AT MY ABSENCE, BUT NOT SPAM.
SHE'S JEALOUS OF ME AND SHE HATES MY GUTS.
YEAH. YEAH, I DO.
I'VE TOLD HER HOW PROUD SHE'D BE
ABOUT THE PETITION WE GOT SIGNED INTO LAW AT KENNEDY.
IT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
CHEERLEADERS SHOULD BE DETERMINED BY TALENT.
PLAIN AND SIMPLE, END OF ARGUMENT.
YEAH. IT'S JUST A SHAME SHE DIDN'T LIVE TO BENEFIT FROM IT.
[SIGHS] GOD, I MISS CARMEN SO MUCH.
CARMEN? THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT CARMEN?
SPIRIT, COME ON. SHE HAD A SPRAINED ANKLE FOR GOD'S SAKE.
YOU CAN'T KICK FROM THAT.
GANGRENE IS TRULY A FAST-ACTING KILLER.
YEP.
SPIRIT, DON'T TELL ME ANYMORE.
OH, GOD.
I'M AFRAID OF WHAT I'VE BECOME
AND WHAT BECOMES OF ME.
JUST TAKE ME HOME, PLEASE.
THIS IS WHERE IT ENDS, DOESN'T IT?
DID I DIE ALONE?
DID ANYONE EVER LOVE ME?
DID I EVER LOVE ANYONE?
OH, GOD.
CAN'T THIS END DIFFERENTLY?
IT CAN'T END LIKE THIS.
I DID DIE ALONE, DIDN'T I?
I HAD SO MUCH POTENTIAL.
AND I WASTED IT ALL.
AND FOR WHAT?
I WAS NEVER HAPPY. I WAS NEVER CONTENT.
I WAS JUST MEAN AND HORRIBLE.
SPIRIT,
I'M NOT THAT GIRL I ONCE WAS.
I'M SOMEONE NEW NOW. SOMEONE ENTIRELY NEW.
I PROMISE, I'LL TRY TO KEEP THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS ALIVE
ALL THE DAYS OF THE YEAR.
I COULD SWEEP THESE SHADOWS AWAY.
PLEASE, SPIRIT.
TELL ME I CAN STILL CHANGE, PLEASE.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
I'M NOT DEAD.
I'M NOT...
OH, MY NEW CASHMERE SHAWL. YOU'RE STILL HERE!
OH, MY NEW JIMMY CHOO SHOES. I'M STILL HERE.
♪♪
THANKS FOR THE DREAM, MARLEY JACOB.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MISS JULIAN.
♪ HOLY NIGHT AND ALL IS CALM ♪
♪ ALL IS RIGHT ♪
♪ ROUND YON VIRGIN ♪
NICOLE? HEY, B.
WELL, DON'T JUST SIT THERE
LIKE BARNACLES ON A CRUSTY BUTT, YOU GUYS.
IT'S TIME TO OPEN YOUR PRESENTS.
LOOK, MARY CHERRY. SHE GAVE ME THE PEARL NECKLACE I'VE BEEN ADMIRING FOR WEEKS.
I THINK THEY'RE REAL.
CHECK THIS OUT.
SHE GAVE ME HER COUNTRY CLUB MEMBERSHIP.
SHE'S CROSSED OUT HER NAME AND WROTE IN MINE.
THIS IS THE BEST GOLF COURSE IN THE CITY. THANK YOU.
WOW. I GOT A LADY SHAVER
WITH A MOTHER OF PEARL LADY HANDLE. THANKS.
I GOT A CAMERA. NICOLE, THIS IS REALLY COOL.
YEAH, THAT'S SO YOU CAN TAKE PICTURES FOR THE PAPER, SPAM,
HOPEFULLY INSTEAD OF WRITING CONDEMNING EDITORIALS.
DEAL. FOR THIS WEEK ANYWAY.
THANK YOU. GOOD FOR YOU.
HEY, CARM, WHAT'D YOU GET?
UM, THERE WASN'T A PACKAGE WITH MY NAME ON IT.
OOH, SORRY, CARM.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M SURE I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
LET'S SEE. BREATH MINTS? NO.
UM, TAMPONS. NO.
OH, HERE IT IS.
IT'S AN ICE PACK.
YEAH. UM, MAKE SURE YOU PUT IT ON TONIGHT.
WE'RE GONNA NEED YOUR SWELLING TO GO DOWN BY JANUARY 1
SO I CAN TEACH YOU THE SECOND SEMESTER SQUAD EIGHT-COUNT.
BUT I'M NOT A CHEERLEADER.
YOU ARE NOW.
YOU'RE A REALLY GREAT DANCER, CARMEN.
AND IT WOULD BE AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU ON THE SQUAD.
OKAY, HERE. COME ON, CARMEN.
DON'T CRY.
WE NEED YOUR LUNGS FOR OUR NIGHTCAP.
CONGRATULATIONS.
AND, UH, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, NICOLE.
LOOK, JESSI. WHAT'S THAT BURNING BRIGHT?
WELL, I BELIEVE, IT BEING CHRISTMAS, BOB,
IT'S EITHER THE STAR OF BETHLEHEM OR A TOP-SECRET NASA EXPERIMENT GONE AWRY.
I'M SORRY I COULDN'T AFFORD MUCH
OF A CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR, JESSI.
I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANTED THAT HAIRLESS PUSSY... CAT.
IT'S OKAY, BOB.
I'VE GOT MY SISTER HERE. I'VE GOT MY VIBRATING CHAIR.
IT'S ALL THE CHRISTMAS I COULD WANT.
[CHATTERING] WHAT THE HELL...
BOB, GET THE GUN.
♪ HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING ♪
♪ GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING ♪
♪ PEACE ON EARTH AND MERCY MILD ♪
♪ GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED ♪
♪ JOYFUL ALL YE ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOBBI GLASS.
♪ JOIN THE TRIUMPH OF THE SKIES ♪
♪ WITH ANGELIC HOST PROCLAIM ♪
♪ CHRIST IS BORN IN BETHLEHEM ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
♪ TO BEND AND NOT TO BREAK ♪
♪ CHIN UP, TRY NOT TO QUAKE ♪
♪ I'M GRINNING ON THE OUTSIDE ♪
♪ BUT I'M A WRECK INTERNALLY ♪
♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪