OH, I'M SO BLOATED TODAY. I CAN'T EVEN ZIP MY PANTS UP.
ME NEITHER.
I'M RETAINING SO MUCH WATER,
I FEEL LIKE I'M CARRYING AN AQUARIUM IN MY POCKET.
OH, WELL, HEY, CHECK THIS OUT. WHAT?
I WAS AT THE HEALTH FOOD STORE WITH LILY THIS WEEKEND,
BUYING CRUELTY-FREE EYELINER,
AND I FOUND THIS NEW HERBAL REMEDY.
"LADY TIME."
"ALL-NATURAL. ALL-HERBAL.
STOPS YOUR OUT-OF-CONTROL OVULATION RANTINGS."
HMM. THANKS. I'LL TRY IT OUT.
HEY, IS IT ME,
OR HAS THE WHOLE HATRED THING BETWEEN OUR TWO GROUPS
REACHED AN ALL-TIME HIGH?
SEEMS LIKE, UNTIL RECENTLY, WE STIRRED THINGS UP,
AND THEY JUST FOLLOWED OUR HIDEOUS EXAMPLES.
WELL, SIS,
I THINK TODAY WE SHOULD LET THE GIRLS KNOW
THAT IT'S THE DAWNING OF A NEW ERA
AND CALL A TOTAL DETENTE.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,
I THINK THAT IF WE JUST GOT THEM ALL INTO ONE ROOM AND COMMUNICATED,
WE COULD ALL BE GREAT FRIENDS.
DON'T YOU THINK?
[SCREAMING]
MARY CHERRY, YOU ARE A TOTAL LIAR!
[BROOKE] OKAY, THAT'S IT! NO!
LILY! LILY!
NO! NOOO!
ALL RIGHT! STOP IT!
OKAY. WE OBVIOUSLY NEED TO TAKE ANOTHER LADY TIME!
OH, MY GOD, WE'RE OUT. THANKS, BROOKE, YOU HOG!
THAT'S IT! I'M TAKING YOU TO THE MAT!
[YELLING]
OH, MY GOD! THIS IS HOW IT ENDS.
TRAPPED IN THIS HELLHOLE RESTROOM, OUT OF FOOD,
OUT OF OXYGEN!
WE'RE GONNA DIE IN HERE. WE'RE GONNA DIE!
[YELLING]
♪ THINK IT OVER ONCE OR TWICE ♪
♪ WHAT LASTS THE LONGEST IN THIS LIFE ♪
♪ CHARACTER OR ROCK-HARD THIGHS ♪
♪ IN THE END DO YOU BELIEVE ♪
♪ THAT BEAUTY LIES IN WHAT YOU SEE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DO, THEN, BABY ♪
♪ YOU'VE BEEN DECEIVED ♪
♪ WELL, ME AND B ♪
♪ WE HATE SUPERMODELS ♪
♪ IT'S JUST THAT I'M TIRED OF BEING COMPARED ♪
IN THE SCARLET LETTER, THE FIRST BOOK WE'RE GONNA DIVE INTO
THIS SEMESTER IN FEMINIST LIT,
THE HEROINE OF HESTER PRYNNE
IS FORCED TO WEAR A SHAMEFUL "A" FOR "ADULTERY"...
ON HER CHEST.
NOW, SHE'S FORCED TO DO THIS
BECAUSE SHE REFUSED TO IDENTIFY
THE FATHER OF THE CHILD SHE CONCEIVED OUT OF WEDLOCK.
HEY, CARM.
I THINK YOU SHOULD SEW
A BIG "L" ON YOUR CHEST.
YOU KNOW, FOR "LOSER."
YES, MARY CHERRY. MR. BENNET,
DO I HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO HER?
SHE STINKS. NO, YOU ARE THE ONE
WHO SMELLS, MARY CHERRY-- LIKE ROADKILL.
COME ON, GUYS. LET'S CONCENTRATE.
AS WE DIG INTO HAWTHORNE'S BOOK,
I REALLY WANT YOU TO PUT YOURSELVES INTO HESTER'S CLOGS.
TO ME, THIS BOOK IS FEMINIST AND HUMANIST
BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT EVENTUAL VICTORY FROM SHAME,
FROM THE SECRETS THAT DESTROY US.
I GUESS MAYBE I FEEL SO PASSIONATELY ABOUT THIS BOOK
BECAUSE, FOR YEARS, I LIVED IN SHAME.
BUT I'M GLAD TO SAY I CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET FIVE YEARS AGO,
AND I'M DOING MUCH BETTER.
YEAH. MR. BENNET,
LET ME JUST SAY, ON THE RECORD,
THAT I LOVE THE GAYS.
THANKS, MARY CHERRY. WE LOVE YOU, TOO.
OKAY! [LAUGHS]
OKAY, GUYS, HERE'S THE LESSON DU JOUR.
WE ARE ALL OF US HESTERS TO A CERTAIN DEGREE,
WITH FESTERING SECRETS.
AND I THINK WHAT THIS BOOK ULTIMATELY TEACHES US
IS THAT THE TRUTH IS THE ONLY REAL FREEDOM.
OKAY, SO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO
IS I WANT YOU TO WRITE DOWN...
YOUR DEEPEST,
DARKEST, MOST SHAMEFUL SECRET.
DON'T SIGN YOUR NAME. PUT IT IN THE ENVELOPE.
WE'RE GONNA THROW THEM AWAY LATER.
AND AS WE READ, I WANT YOU TO IMAGINE
BEING HELD CAPTIVE
BY THAT SECRET,
AS SADLY SO MANY OF US ARE.
HOPEFULLY, BY THE END OF THE BOOK, A BIT OF HESTER WILL HAVE RUBBED OFF.
AND, HOPEFULLY, SOME OF THE SHAME.
[CARMEN] MR. BENNET SAID TO THROW THESE AWAY, RIGHT?
GET RID OF THE SHAME? [LILY] RIGHT.
[LILY] I HATE THIS TIME OF THE MONTH. I ALWAYS BREAK OUT.
[CARMEN] HAVE YOU TRIED THE NEW...
HEY, YOU GUYS. HOW WAS THE NEW LIT CLASS?
I'VE DECIDED I REALLY HATE THAT MARY CHERRY.
WHAT IS SHE DOING IN A FEMINIST STUDIES CLASS?
SHE SHOULD BE IN FASCIST STUDIES, AND HER HAIR IS TOO BLONDE.
YOU KNOW WHO I HATE MORE? NICOLE!
EVER SINCE I QUIT THE GLAMAZONS, SHE HAS BEEN MEANER TO ME THAN EVER.
ONE MORE INSULT, I'M GONNA SNAP.
OW! OH, MY GOD. CRAMP.
CRAMP! HERE, HOLD. BREATHE.
BREATHE.
I HATE MEN.
[SHRIEKING]
BYE, HARRISON!
OKAY. I HAVE GOT TO START HANGING OUT WITH GUYS AT LEAST ONE WEEK A MONTH.
NIC, ARE YOU TENDER?
YES, LIKE TWO RARE LAMB CHOPS ON A SPIT-FIRE GRILL.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? HUH?
HUH? UH, NOTHING.
JUST EXISTING. IS THAT CHOCOLATE ON YOUR BREATH?
ARE YOU TRYIN' TO HUMILIATE ME 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'M CRAVIN' IT?
ANSWER ME!
[CRYING]
NICE.
[NICOLE] VERY NICE.
[SHRIEKING]
[SNARLING]
[GROWLING]
[SNARLING]
[ROARING] [SCREECHING]
OKAY, GUYS. BYE. SEE YOU AT LUNCH.
WHOA!
DUDE! [WHISTLES]
HEY.
LISTEN, CAN I, UH, SIT WITH YOU GUYS TODAY?
THE GANG I SIT WITH, THEY'RE ALL SIMULTANEOUSLY GREETING AUNT FLO.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO EARLIER?
[CHAIR SCRAPING]
[SIGHS] WE'RE SUFFERING OURSELVES.
DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT IN INDIAN CULTURES,
THE CHIEFS WOULD MAKE ALL THE WOMEN
LIVE OUTSIDE THE TEPEES WHEN THEIR LADY TIME CAME?
GOOD IDEA.
OH. WHAT WAS THAT, SUGAR?
OH, UM, NOTHING, BROOKE.
UM...
THAT'S A REALLY NICE VEST YOU GOT ON THERE.
WHAT'S UP, HARRISON? WHY YOU SITTING OVER HERE?
IT SEEMS THAT THE BOYS ARE AFRAID OF US BECAUSE WE'RE MENSTRUATING.
THUS, IN THEIR SEXIST LITTLE EYES, WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY
HAVE A RATIONAL, CALM LUNCH HOUR.
WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO PROVE THEM WRONG, RIGHT?
YES, WE WILL. [CHUCKLES]
IS THAT MY BRACELET? OH...
THAT'S MY BRACELET, SAM. THAT'S MY FAVORITE BRACELET.
MY MOTHER GAVE ME THAT BRACELET. YOU DIDN'T ASK ME IF YOU COULD WEAR THAT BRACELET!
DEAR MOTHER OF GOD, PLEASE LET THIS END!
JUST CHILL OUT, OKAY?
IT WAS IN THE DRAWER, I PUT IT ON. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
NO WONDER YOU STOLE IT. IT IS THE EXACT SAME COLOR OF THE HULA SKIRT OF YOUR DREAMS.
RIGHT, SAMMIE?
UH-HUH. YOU READ MY DIARY?
YEP. SO MUCH FOR BOUNDARIES, HUH, BROOKE?
YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE.
UM, BROOKE,
IF YOU COULD MAKE IT WITH ANY OF THE BACKSTREET BOYS, WHO WOULD IT BE?
OH... YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO RIFLE THROUGH MY SECRETS!
WHAT'D SHE DO NOW? STOLE MY DIARY.
SHE STOLE MY DIARY. UH-HUH.
NICE FUR, MARY CHERRY. YOU FREAK.
YEAH, UH, LI'L LILY, I'D BE GLAD TO STOP WEARING ANALLY ELECTROCUTED MINK
IF ONLY YOU'D BE SO KIND AS TO SKIN YOUR LEGS
AND PRESENT THEM TO ME AS A GIFT.
YEAH, SPEAKING OF, UH, GROOMING, CARMEN,
THERE'S THIS NEW INVENTION CALLED LEAVE-IN CONDITIONER.
JUST A SMALL DOLLOP IN YOUR PALM, RUB IT IN.
IT'S REAL SIMPLE, HON.
[GIGGLES]
[MARY GASPS]
GOOD FOR YOU!
[SNARLING]
THAT'S IT!
IT'S TIME TO RUMBLE!
FINE. THREE O'CLOCK?
PARKING LOT!
YOU DON'T HAVE THE NERVE, FUR FREAK!
OH, BRING IT ON, LILY. BRING IT ON. I KNOW TAE BO.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DATE SINCE THE BEGINNING. HUH, SISTER?
YOU KNOW WHAT, BROOKE? I BET YOU FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.
YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS? COME ON!
BRING IT ON, BROOKE! I'LL BRING IT ON!
LET'S GO. LET'S GO. [NICOLE] STARBURST!
I'M GONNA GET YOU!
THEY'RE GONNA KILL EACH OTHER.
[SUGAR] OH, MY!
UM, MISS GLASS, SIR?
WE HAVE A QUESTION. A BIOLOGICAL QUESTION.
IT'S ABOUT GIRLS A-AND THEIR, UM, PERIODS--
WH-WHILE THEY'RE, UM, MENSTRUATING.
YES, THEY'RE CAPABLE OF MURDER AND OTHER ACTS OF UNSPEAKABLE HORROR. NEXT QUESTION.
WAIT. IS THAT REALLY TRUE?
IS DINAH SHORE A NATIONAL TREASURE?
FOR VERIFICATION, WE NEED TO LOOK NO FURTHER
THAN THE EXOTIC, LIVELY FIRE ANTS OF MADAGASCAR.
THE TWO MILLION LADY ANTS OVULATE
ON THE SAME DAY.
I REFER TO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT AS THE "CRANKY, LADY MADAGASCAR ANT SMACK-DOWN."
WORD? THE LADY ANTS WRESTLE?
YES, THEY WRESTLE.
AFTER WHICH THE OVULATING LADY ANTS ATTACK,
THEN ROUTINELY TEAR EACH OTHER LIMB FROM LIMB.
WELL, HERE.
IF YOU LIKE, I CAN LOAN YOU MY OWN PERSONAL COPY OF THE MADAGASCAR ANTS.
LOTS OF INTERESTING TIDBITS ABOUT OVULATION.
ENJOY.
IS THERE ANY WAY TO, UM,
STOP THE LADY ANTS FROM KILLING EACH OTHER
ONCE THEY DECIDE TO RUMBLE? NO.
NATURE HAS TO RUN ITS COURSE.
GIRLS, IT'S TIME TO KICK SOME UNPOPULAR ASS AND TAKE SOME PRISONERS!
THIS FEUD HAS LASTED OVER SIX MONTHS NOW, AND I'M ALL OUT OF TALK.
I SKIPPED FOURTH PERIOD AND GOT US GIRL GANG LEATHER JACKETS.
MY PERSONAL TAILOR, EDUARDO, STITCHED OUR NAMES ON THE BACK
FOR STYLE-SLASH-UNITY PURPOSES.
CHOLA NUMBER ONE? THAT'S YOU.
NIC, YOU'RE NUMBER TWO, AND I'M CHOLA NUMBER THREE.
GIRLS.
IT'S TIME TO LADLE UP A BIG STEAMIN' CUP OF WHUP-ASS.
IN THE WORDS OF PUBLIC ENEMY, IT'S TIME TO FIGHT THE POWER.
THOSE BITCHES ARE GOIN' DOWN.
OUT OF OUR WAY, GILLIGAN. WE GOT CLOCKS TO CLEAN.
NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. THE POPULAR GIRLS, THEY'RE THROWING UP THE WHITE FLAG.
JOSH JUST TOLD ME.
CUT TO THE CHASE, AND GET ME SOME CHOCOLATE.
RIGHT. THEY WANT TO MEET YOU IN THE NOVAK, TO APOLOGIZE.
THEY'RE ADMITTING THEY'RE WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING.
HMM. OKAY.
OKAY. SO, THROW DOWN YOUR WHITE FLAG.
OR IN YOUR CASE, MARY CHERRY, YOUR WHITE HOOD.
AHA! WELL, WE ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY, LI'L LILY.
APOLOGY? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO APOLOGIZE TO US.
SO DO IT. [ALL] HUH!
UH, OKAY, THEN. WAIT A MINUTE. WHY ARE WE HE...
THE BOYS. OHH...
THEY TRICKED US,
NO DOUBT TO FOSTER A HEALING CONVERSATION.
WELL, I SAY IT'S TIME TO THROW A LITTLE SALT ON THE WOUNDS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, SAMMIE? YOU UP FOR A LITTLE PARKING LOT PAYBACK?
[LOCK CLICKING]
IT'S LOCKED. OH, YOU ARE SUCH A WIMP.
IT'S NOT LOCKED.
OKAY, IT'S LOCKED. OKAY, NO. WAIT.
[SNIFFING]
IS THAT CHOCOLATE I SMELL?
SUGAR DADDY, ARE YOU OUT THERE?
YOU LET ME OUT, OR I WILL KILL YOU!
HARRISON, ARE YOU THERE, TOO?
COME ON. LET US OUT. THIS REALLY ISN'T FUNNY.
DON'T YOU PUSH ME! I CAN.
OHHH!
OH, MY GOD, Y'ALL!
WE'RE CAGED! ♪♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
YOU GUYS, CHECK YOUR CELL PHONES AGAIN.
THE BATTERIES ARE DEAD.
SWEET GOD ALMIGHTY.
IF WORD GETS AROUND THAT I WAS IN A ROOM THIS LONG WITH YOU UNPOPULAR HAGS,
MY SOCIAL REP WILL NEVER RECOVER.
NICOLE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT THAT YOU HAD IMPLANTS, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
STOP FIGHTING. WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS. LIKE OXYGEN DEPRIVATION.
WHAT? NO. DON'T JOKE ABOUT THAT. I FEEL CLAUSTROPHOBIC.
I'M NOT JOKING.
BY 6:00, WE'LL PRETTY MUCH RUN OUT OF O2 AND SUFFOCATE.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
SOMEBODY'S GONNA COME.
GUYS, COME ON. OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT MOVIE ALIVE!,
WHERE RATIONAL PEOPLE
ABANDONED IN NATURE GO MAD WITH HUNGER
AND EAT EACH OTHER LIKE LUST-CRAZED CANNIBALS!
AND MY BLOOD SUGAR'S PLUMMETIN' BY THE MINUTE.
IF I GOTTA MUNCH A BUNCH ON ANY OF THESE BIRKENSTOCK WEARERS,
I'M GONNA NEED A LOT OF TABASCO, WHICH WE DON'T HAVE.
HOW YOU DOING, CARM?
♪♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
OH, MY GOD! DON'T LET THEM DO THIS!
OKAY, NOBODY'S GONNA EAT ANYBODY.
OKAY? OKAY?
GUYS, COME ON. PULL IT TOGETHER. LOOK.
GEEZ! GUYS, COME ON. OKAY, LOOK.
DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY NOSH?
FRUIT? FROZEN YOGURT? TUNA PACKED IN WATER?
WHO CARRIES TUNA PACKED IN WATER?
WAIT. I JUST HAVE A THING. IT'S A... IT'S A CERT, COVERED IN LINT.
GIVE IT TO ME!
I'M THE THINNEST.
I NEED THE NOURISHMENT.
I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN GIVE YOU ANYTHING, MARY CHERRY.
[CARMEN CHUCKLES] OKAY. FINE.
OW! GIVE IT TO ME!
GET OFF OF ME!
MARY CHERRY, STOP IT! YOU'RE KILLING HER!
STOP IT!
SEE? I KNEW YOU WERE INSANE, MARY CHERRY!
OKAY, YOU GUYS. HEY, LOOK, RELAX.
HERE. HAVE A LADY TIME.
HERE.
[SIGHS] OKAY.
OKAY, OKAY, THINK.
IF WE HAD A SHOVEL, WE COULD DIG OUR WAY OUT, RIGHT?
[SCOFFS]
[MOUTHING WORDS]
[CLANGING]
NO, WE GOT SOLID CONCRETE HERE, KIDS.
[LILY] THERE'S GOT TO BE A WAY OUT OF HERE.
♪♪ [CREEPY THEME]
[WOMAN NARRATOR] THE FEMALE FIRE ANT IS USUALLY
A DOCILE, COOPERATIVE CREATURE.
BUT IN THIS MOMENT OF OVULATION,
MADNESS TAKES OVER.
THESE LADY ANTS ARE BAD MAMMA JAMMAS.
[SUGAR] THE VIOLENCE SCARES YET EXCITES ME.
THEY'VE BEEN IN THERE AN HOUR, AND NOTHING YET.
WE DID A GOOD THING. THE "LOOK THE OTHER WAY" APPROACH DIDN'T WASH ANYMORE.
WE'RE FORCING THEM TO DEAL WITH THE BUILT-UP TENSIONS.
ISN'T LOCKING THEM IN THE PEN THE WORST THING WE COULD HAVE DONE?
GIVING THEM ACCESS TO A PARKING LOT
WITH SPEEDING CARS THAT CAN BE USED AS WEAPONS, YES.
MAKING THEM TALK IT OUT, NO. STOP WATCHING THIS!
NO! [JOSH] HOW CAN MISS GLASS WATCH THIS?
SHE MUST BE THE MOST BORING WOMAN-MAN ON THE PLANET.
[STATIC]
W-W-WHAT?
I'M VERONICA PAIN,
AND YOU'RE WATCHING PAIN TV!
OH, MY GOD. IT'S MISS GLASS.
MARY CHERRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YO, IT'S OUR ONLY HOPE.
IF A GOVERNMENT SPY PLANE WITH X-RAY SPY VISION SHOULD FLY OVERHEAD
AND SEE OUR PLEA, THEY MIGHT COME SAVE US.
OTHERWISE, WE'RE GONNA DIE IN HERE!
THE ONLY THING WE'RE GONNA DIE FROM IS BOREDOM.
WELL, IS ANYBODY UP FOR A GAME OF TRUTH OR DARE?
OH! HOW ABOUT JUST TRUTH?
I MEAN, I FORGOT I'VE GOT A SECRET BURNING A HOLE IN MY POCKET.
SIX SECRETS, TO BE EXACT.
YOU STOLE THE HESTER PRYNNE SECRET SLIPS?
NICOLE, THAT'S TOTALLY OUT OF LINE.
OH, SHUT UP, COMPLAINER! THIS IS A REASON TO GO ON LIVIN'!
ANYBODY GAME?
AS LONG AS WE'RE GONNA DIE IN HERE,
WE MAY AS WELL GO TO THE GRAVE WITH A CLEAR CONSCIENCE.
LET'S REVIEW, SHALL WE?
THE SECRETS ARE, IN ORDER:
"THEY CALL ME QUACK!"
"I'VE QUESTIONED MY SEXUALITY!"
"I DID IT AGAIN!"
"I MADE OUT WITH JOSH FORD!"
"I'M DATING JOSH FORD!"
AND, UM, LAST BUT NOT LEAST, "I WENT SHOPPING WITH GWYNETH!"
WAIT. TWO PEOPLE IN HERE ARE INVOLVED WITH JOSH?
SINCE WHEN?
WHAT DO YOU CARE, FRIGID ONE? YOU DUMPED HIM.
OKAY, HUSH. NOW, WE DO THIS IN ORDER.
WHO'S BRAVE ENOUGH TO ADMIT...
"THEY CALL ME QUACK!"
STEP FORWARD AND FACE THE MUSIC.
ALL RIGHT.
I ADMIT IT.
MY SCARLET LETTER IS "D."
"D" FOR "DUCK."
[MARY] MY DEEPEST SECRET IS AS OLD AS I. I WAS BORN WITH IT.
A HIDEOUS, FRIGHTENING AFFLICTION
COMMON IN SOUTHERNERS WITH TOO MUCH INBREEDING.
DR. KISKI, I'VE COME HERE 'CAUSE I HEAR YOU'RE THE BEST PLASTIC SURGEON IN THE WORLD.
THANK GOD YOU'RE IN SWITZERLAND.
I COULDN'T HOLD MY HAIR UP HIGH IF I HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS EMBARRASSMENT IN THE STATES.
HOPE YOU HAVEN'T HAD LUNCH. MARY CHERRY.
MY DAUGHTER'S A FREAK, AND I NEED YOU TO FIX IT.
[MARY] I WAS BORN WITH WEBBED HANDS AND FEET,
A GREAT AND TERRIBLE SHAME.
DR. KISKI, AS YOU CAN SEE,
SO MUCH FOR MY DREAMS OF MY DAUGHTER BEING A HAND MODEL.
TWELVE PAINFUL OPERATIONS LATER,
AND MY HANDS WERE PERFECT AND SATINY SMOOTH.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR FEET?
THEY REMAIN A REMINDER OF A HAUNTIN' GENETIC FLAW.
DESPITE YEARS OF PAIN AND EXPERIMENTAL TECHNIQUES,
THEY'RE STILL WEBBED.
♪♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
SORRY.
OKAY, THEN. MOVING ON.
UM, "I'VE QUESTIONED MY SEXUALITY!"
THIS SECRET IS SO SHOCKING AND DIRTY BIRDY.
IS IT YOU, SPAM? ARE YOU THE ONE ASKING YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS IF YOU'RE CONFUSED?
I SAW YOU WEARING FLANNEL JUST YESTERDAY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
LEAVE HER ALONE.
IT'S ME.
[NICOLE] "I'VE QUESTIONED MY SEXUALITY!"
LILY, FESS UP.
MY SCARLET LETTER IS "C."
"C" FOR "CONFUSED."
[LILY] IT BEGAN ABOUT FOUR MONTHS AGO.
[LILY CRYING]
I HAD A CHANCE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY,
AND I FAILED.
DID HARRISON HAVE BAD BREATH, OR...
[CHUCKLES]
[SNIFFLING, CHUCKLING]
NO.
HE WAS MINTY-FRESH.
I JUST CHICKENED OUT.
YOU WERE NERVOUS.
I WASN'T, THOUGH.
I JUST WASN'T INTERESTED.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
NOTHING.
NOTHING. IT... [SNIFFLING]
MAYBE YOU JUST DON'T HAVE IT IN YOU.
I MEAN...
MAYBE YOU LIKE GIRLS OR SOMETHING.
WHAT?
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE THERE'S THAT SEXUALITY SCALE,
WITH 10 BEING K.D. LANG
AND 1 BEING GWYNETH OR...
[CHUCKLES] I'M NO K.D., OKAY?
BUT IF... I TURN OUT TO BE,
WHEN I GET OLDER,
WOULD YOU THINK I WAS WEIRD?
NO.
I WOULDN'T.
[SIGHS, SNIFFLES]
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE THIS TONIGHT, LIL.
I KNOW.
I JUST...
I DON'T WANT TO KEEP HURTING PEOPLE...
OR MYSELF.
I JUST... I FEEL KIND OF ALONE HERE, YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE WHEN I'M AROUND.
YOU KNOW THAT.
[NICOLE] THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING. IT WAS INNOCENT. WE DIDN'T GO ANY FURTHER.
I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT,
AND THE THING IS, THE OTHER DAY
I SAW THIS GUY, AND HE WAS REALLY HOT,
AND I WOULD TOTALLY MAKE OUT WITH HIM.
SO... I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVE TO SAY I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
[SNICKERING]
CARMEN, WHAT? JUST DON'T TALK TO ME.
OKAY? JUST DON'T.
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SAYING THIS.
THIS WAS MY SECRET, TOO, AND YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO OPEN YOUR BIG FAT MOUTH ABOUT IT!
CARMEN, IT HAPPENED.
I AM NOT LIKE YOU.
I KNOW WHAT I WANT, AND IT'S CERTAINLY NOT WOMEN.
BOY, YOU GUYS HAVE SHARED A LOT LATELY, HAVEN'T YOU?
I GUESS I WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH FRIEND
TO TALK TO ABOUT SOMETHING THAT INFORMS YOUR VERY IDENTITY.
SAM, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN REAL AVAILABLE LATELY.
UP UNTIL RECENTLY, THE GREAT BROOKE WAR
PRETTY MUCH CONSUMED ALL YOUR TIME, SO...
OKAY, WAIT. BACK TO THE LESBIAN PART. WERE THERE TONGUES INVOLVED HERE?
I AM REALLY HURT.
I AM.
HOW DID THIS BECOME ABOUT YOU?
I FEEL BETRAYED, OKAY?
I FEEL SO...
BETRAYED.
TERRIBLY, DEEPLY BETRAYED.
SO, FOR THE LAST TIME,
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT TAPE?
MISS GLASS, WE TOLD YOU. YOU GAVE US THE TAPE.
IT'S THE LADY ANT TAPE.
THAT'S A LIE! YOU'RE OUT TO GET ME!
I'M SORRY.
I'M A LITTLE EMOTIONAL.
YOU THINK I'M A SICK JOKE, DON'T YOU? A FOLLY.
I FEEL, TOO, YOU KNOW.
I MAY HAVE THE SHOES OF A MAN, BUT I CRY LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.
MISS GLASS?
SIR, IF WE PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT
YOUR SECRET, COULD WE LEAVE?
YOU CAN TRUST US.
I TRUST NO ONE.
I...
NEED TO THINK ABOUT WHAT TO DO HERE.
OKAY, GUYS...
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
BROOKE, I'M REALLY BEGINNING TO SEE YOUR SIDE IN ALL THIS.
MUST BE REALLY DIFFICULT LIVING WITH SOMEONE
WHO'S SO COMPLETELY SELF-ABSORBED.
IT IS. LILY, THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
FEELING LEFT OUT, SAM? INTERESTING...
HOW THE REVEALED SECRETS HAVE COMPLETELY POLARIZED
YOUR POSSE ONTO OUR SIDE OF THE FENCE.
HMM. MAYBE THAT MEANS THE GRASS IS LESS "JUDGY"
ON OUR SIDE.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN'T TEAR APART YOUR GROUP SOME MORE.
TWO SECRETS DOWN, FOUR TO GO. IT'S ONLY FAIR.
"I DID IT AGAIN!"
CARMEN,
WOULD THAT BE A PAINFUL REFERENCE
TO YOUR BACK-TO-SCHOOL SHOPPING AT WAL-MART?
IT'S ME.
IT'S...
IT'S MY SECRET.
MY SCARLET LETTER IS...
"R."
"R" FOR "REBOUND."
[BROOKE] JOSH HAD COME OVER TO MY HOUSE
AFTER THE SADIE HAWKINS DANCE.
HE WAS UPSET; HE JUST WANTED TO TALK.
MM. I'M SO GLAD WE'RE GETTING BACK TOGETHER.
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
NOTHING.
NO. JOSH, WE ARE NOT...
BACK TOGETHER.
WHY DID I DO THIS?
THIS IS WRONG.
THIS IS SO...
WRONG.
THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT ANYMORE.
THIS IS...
HOW CAN I EXPECT TO GET ANYWHERE
IF I JUST KEEP TAKING TWO STEPS BACKWARDS?
BROOKE, I LOVE YOU.
I... I KNOW YOU DO, JOSH.
THIS IS WHY I FEEL SO BAD RIGHT NOW.
WE'VE GOT TO STOP THIS.
I NEED TO MOVE ON.
I... I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE.
UM, WHAT NIGHT DID YOU SAY THIS HAPPENED ON AGAIN?
AFTER SADIE HAWKINS.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
WHAT?
UM...
THE NIGHT THAT YOU WERE WITH JOSH,
YEAH?
I WAS WITH HIM, TOO.
MISS GLASS, HOW DID YOU GET CAUGHT UP IN SOMETHING SO SORDID?
I ASK MYSELF THAT QUESTION EVERY DAY.
MAYBE I SHOULD TRY ANSWERING IT.
MY SCARLET LETTER IS "L."
"L" FOR "LONELY LADY."
[MISS GLASS] FOR YEARS I'D ACHED FOR COMPANIONSHIP,
FOR TOUCH.
BUT THAT WAS A SHIP THAT HAD NEVER COME IN FOR ME.
SOMETIMES ON SATURDAY NIGHTS,
I'D HEAD OVER TO MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT, CROUTONS,
FOR A SOLITARY LO-CAL BITE.
LOVE, OR WHAT I THOUGHT WAS LOVE
CAME UNEXPECTEDLY.
AHHH.
RRRR.
[MISS GLASS] I WAS BUT A FLY,
AND HE WAS BOTH SPIDER...
AND WEB.
[♪♪ TANGO]
RRRR!
[GULPING]
♪♪ [TANGO CONTINUES]
[MISS GLASS] AT FIRST WE CUDDLED AND WATCHED THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.
BUT I SOON LEARNED HE WAS JUST USING ME FOR HIS PERVERSIONS.
GODFREY DIDN'T LOVE ME. HE COULDN'T LOVE ME.
HE ONLY WANTED CRUELTY.
AND CRUELTY IS WHAT HE GOT.
I TRIED TO BREAK AWAY.
COULDN'T.
HE THREATENED TO TURN ME IN,
SHOW THE TAPES TO THE P.T.A., HAVE ME FIRED.
I'M SORRY YOU BOYS HAD TO SEE THIS.
SO AM I, BOBBI GLASS.
DADDY'S HOME.
[BROOKE] YOU COULDN'T HAVE BEEN WITH JOSH. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
MY SCARLET LETTER IS "B."
"B" FOR "BETRAYER."
[SAM] JOSH SAID HE WAS UPSTAIRS RETURNING CDs,
THE FINAL BREAKUP EXCHANGE.
WE TALKED FOR AN HOUR, THEN ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND...
OKAY, OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. JOSH, STOP.
I CAN'T DO THIS WITH YOU.
THIS IS WRONG, JOSH.
LOOK, I MAY NOT LIKE BROOKE SOMETIMES,
BUT SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS, AND NEITHER DO I.
I... I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THINGS TO GET OUT OF HAND.
IT'S JUST BEEN A ROUGH NIGHT.
THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS,
I REALIZE WE DON'T HAVE A HECK OF A LOT IN COMMON, DO WE?
SO... WHAT? YOU'RE SAYING IT'S JUST...
CHEMICAL. YEAH.
AND... I WANT MORE THAN THAT.
I THINK YOU DO, TOO.
WELL, I CAN'T HAVE WHAT I WANT.
THANK YOU FOR NOT GOING OVER THE LINE.
LORD, I'VE GOT THE VAPORS.
THAT JOSH IS JUST A GIGOLO!
NO, HE ISN'T. HE'S PROBABLY JUST IN A LOT OF PAIN,
TRYING TO GET COMFORT WHEREVER HE CAN.
SAM, LOOK AT THE MIRROR.
IF YOU'RE "I MADE OUT WITH JOSH FORD"...
THEN WHO'S "I'M DATING JOSH FORD"?
♪♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
YOU DIRTY LITTLE HOME WRECKER! NICOLE, HOW COULD YOU?
FORGET ABOUT CARMEN. LET'S EAT HER FIRST FOR PUNISHMENT!
"FORGET ABOUT CARMEN"?
BOY, THAT WOULD BE TYPICAL.
AND VERY WRONG.
I'M THE ONE WHO'S DATING JOSH FORD NOW.
WAIT A BIG FAT MINUTE.
YOU, CARMEN FERRARA, SOCIAL POND SCUM, ARE DATING
JOSH FORD, THE MOST POPULAR GUY IN THE SCHOOL?
GO AHEAD. DOUBT ME.
I DOUBT MYSELF.
AND I'M EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT.
MY SCARLET LETTER IS "U."
"U" FOR "UNWORTHY."
[CARMEN] IT STARTED AFTER SADIE HAWKINS.
WE DANCED AND HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME.
THE NEXT DAY, WE WERE TALKING, AND...
I'M GLAD AT THE DANCE WE DECIDED TO GET TOGETHER
AND PRACTICE FOR THIS PUBLIC SPEAKING COURSE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I SIGNED UP FOR THIS CLASS.
I JUST FEEL SO LAME AND DUMB SOMETIMES.
PLEASE. YOU'RE REALLY GOOD.
IT'S PEOPLE THAT MAKE ME FEEL DUMB SOMETIMES.
LIKE BROOKE AND SAM.
MY DAD. ALWAYS MY DAD.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, UM,
PEOPLE USED TO MAKE ME FEEL GROSS ABOUT MYSELF, TOO.
UNTIL I JUST DECIDED TO STOP CARING WHAT THEY THOUGHT.
THANK YOU, CARMEN.
FOR WHAT?
FOR BEING THE FIRST PERSON
TO MAKE ME FEEL OKAY ABOUT MYSELF.
[CARMEN] FROM THAT MOMENT ON, WE WERE LIKE THIS TEAM.
US AGAINST PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T GET US.
HE TOLD ME STUFF HE'D NEVER TOLD ANYBODY.
I SWEAR, IT'S LIKE WE WERE [SIGHS]
INSTANT SOUL MATES.
CARMEN?
DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT SOMETIME?
[BROOKE] WHEN WAS THIS DATE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?
TONIGHT. [NICOLE SCOFFS] INTERESTING.
IF THAT'S TRUE, CUPCAKE, THEN WHY WOULD JOSH LOCK YOU IN HERE TODAY?
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, YOU'RE RIGHT, CARMEN. YOU ARE UNWORTHY.
JOSH WOULD NEVER GO OUT WITH ANYONE LIKE YOU. OKAY.
SHE MADE THAT UP. ON TO MY SECRET.
NO BIG SURPRISE HERE. I WENT SHOPPING WITH GWYNETH.
IT'S NOT FAIR!
HOW COME EVERYONE ELSE'S SECRETS ARE SO MUCH SEXIER THAN MINE?
NICOLE, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE LIAR.
[CARMEN LAUGHS] GWYNETH IS NOT
YOUR SECRET.
I KNOW WHAT YOUR SECRET IS.
I REPEAT: I WENT SHOPPING WITH GWYNETH.
I BUMPED INTO HER AT JIMMY CHOO'S, AND WE FOUGHT OVER THE LAST SLING BAG,
AND I SAID TO HER, "TAKE IT, HON.
I SAW HUSH LAST NIGHT, AND CONSIDER THIS A GESTURE OF PITY."
IT'S YOU I PITY.
JOSH TALKS TO ME. 'MEMBER?
HE TELLS ME HIS HOPES AND MISTAKES.
SO THE WAY I SEE IT IS, YOU'VE GOT TWO OPTIONS, HON.
EITHER YOU SPILL,
OR I'M GONNA DO IT FOR YOU.
OKAY.
I SLEPT WITH JOSH.
I'M SORRY I TIED YOU BOYS UP.
YEAH, WELL, NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS.
JUST KEEP PICKING AT THE KNOTS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'S GONNA DO WITH US?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I GOT FOUR OF THEM HERE.
FOUR FIT SPECIMENS FOR YOUR UNDERGROUND WHITE SLAVERY OPERATION. YOU DIG?
YES, I'LL HOLD.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MR. MAN! YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!
ONE OF YOU BOYS, QUICK LIKE A BUNNY, RUN FOR HELP.
[NICOLE] I SLEPT WITH JOSH.
JOSH.
MY SCARLET LETTER IS "J."
"J" FOR "JEALOUS." THANK YOU.
[NICOLE] IT ALL BEGAN WHEN I WENT TO COMFORT JOSH
AFTER BROOKE RUTHLESSLY BROKE UP WITH HIM.
JOSH, HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG?
SHE BROKE UP WITH ME.
OHHH. SHH.
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S GIVING UP.
BROOKE!
MMM. I'M HERE.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND!
YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH?
OH, YEAH, I DO. COME ON. BRING IT ON, BACKSTABBER!
I DIDN'T BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF BEING SECOND PLACE
IN YOUR SWEEPSTAKES SWEEP ALL THE TIME.
I DID IT BECAUSE, FOR ONCE, IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE ALL ABOUT BROOKY.
I'M NOT GONNA APOLOGIZE FOR STEPPING OUT OF YOUR SHADOW.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
IT WAS GOOD.
YOU BITCH!
YOU GUYS, STOP IT!
STOP IT. STOP IT! STOP IT!
LISTEN TO YOURSELVES!
WHY DON'T YOU TURN YOUR RAGE TOWARDS THE REAL PROBLEM,
THE PERSON THAT CAUSED ALL OF THIS? YOU GUYS.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
REALLY. WELL, JOSH, WE NEED SOME ANSWERS.
♪♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[GRUNTING]
WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO, TEACH? SLAP HIM AROUND A BIT?
LET HIM GO. WHAT?
BUT THEN HE'LL GET AWAY.
I AM TIRED OF HIDING IN MY OWN PRISON OF SHAME.
LET HIM GO.
UM, HI.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO RECONSIDER THIS OPTION.
NO. GO AHEAD. TURN THE TAPES IN TO THE SCHOOL BOARD. GET ME FIRED.
I DON'T CARE.
THE FUN IS GIVING YOU SLEEPLESS NIGHTS.
IF YOU DON'T CARE, THERE'S NO POINT IN RATTING YOU OUT.
GUESS I'LL STAY SILENT FOR NOW. AND LURKING.
YOU'RE SICK, YOU KNOW THAT? THANK YOU.
MISS BOBBI GLASS? SIR?
WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE CROUTONS.
MM!
WHAT NOW, MISS GLASS?
WELL, FIRST THING ON MY TO DO LIST
IS TO GIVE YOU THREE BRAVE BOYS AN AUTOMATIC "A"
FOR THE SEMESTER.
IF, THAT IS, YOU CAN KEEP A LITTLE SECRET.
[CHUCKLES] YEAH.
WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH?
GET OUT OF THERE! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE A HO!
[ALL SHOUTING]
GET OUT OF THERE!
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
STOP IT! STOP IT! LEAVE HIM ALONE!
OH, STOP PROTECTING HIM, DARLING!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NIBBLED OFF THAT TIRED OLD SNACK.
WE'VE ALL HAD OUR SHARE.
MARY CHERRY, WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT? OH.
I'M NO BABBLIN' BROOKE, HON.
JUST A LADY WHO NEEDS TO FESS UP.
I LIED ABOUT MY SECRET.
IT'S ACTUALLY MORE SHOCKIN' AND SCANDALOUS
THAN ALL YOURS COMBINED.
I SLEPT WITH JOSH, TOO.
♪♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] AND JOE.
♪♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
AT THE SAME TIME. [JOSH] HEY! I'M NOT LIKE THAT!
SHUT YOUR DIRTY WHORE MOUTH, PLAYER PLAYER!
OKAY. WAIT A MINUTE. WHO THE HELL IS JOE?
BUT TWO MENFOLK COULD NOT SATISFY MY CARNAL CRAVINGS.
THAT'S WHY LILY... ♪♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
SLEPT WITH US, TOO.
I DID NOT!
STOP LYIN', LI'L LILY!
YOU LOVED IT!
[SCREAMING]
MARY CHERRY, YOU ARE A TOTAL LIAR!
I HATE LIES, AND I HATE YOU!
OH, GIVE ME... JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE!
WHAT?
STOP TRYIN' TO KISS ME, LILY.
[SCREECHING]
[BROOKE] OKAY, THAT'S IT! NO!
LILY! LILY!
NO! NOOO!
ALL RIGHT! STOP IT!
OKAY. WE OBVIOUSLY NEED TO TAKE ANOTHER LADY TIME!
OH, MY GOD. WE'RE OUT. THANKS, BROOKE, YOU HOG!
THAT'S IT! I'M TAKING YOU TO THE MAT!
[YELLING]
OH, MY GOD! THIS IS HOW IT ENDS.
TRAPPED IN THIS HELLHOLE RESTROOM, OUT OF FOOD,
OUT OF OXYGEN!
WE'RE GONNA DIE IN HERE. WE'RE GONNA DIE!
[YELLING]
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?
IS THAT BLOOD ON THE MIRROR?
[HARRISON] WHERE'S JOSH?
WAIT... WE TOOK CARE OF HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL.
UH-HUH. YEAH, COME ON, PAL.
[HARRISON] HOLD ON. WAIT A MINUTE.
I... WE... THE GUYS. WE JUST WANTED TO HELP.
[MARY] WE MADE A MEAL OUT OF JOSH.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN!
[HARRISON] THAT'S IT.
JUST... JUST HELPING. THAT'S ALL. OKAY?
YOU GUYS, BEFORE WE HURT HARRISON,
LOOK.
WE'RE FREE.
I FEEL LIKE WE WENT THROUGH A WAR.
Y'ALL, CALL ME CRAZY...
CRAZY. BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO.
I JUST... FEEL SO SAFE WITH Y'ALL IN HERE.
IT'S WEIRD, HUH? EVEN THOUGH WE KIND OF FREAKED OUT,
THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE WAS...
CATHARTIC. YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE WE RIPPED THOSE SCARLET LETTERS OFF OUR CHESTS AND FLUSHED THEM.
THANK YOU, JOE, FOR MAKING THIS LADY TIME SHARE-IN POSSIBLE.
[JOSH] NO PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT WAS A REAL REFRESHING COURSE IN BOUNDARIES 101.
THANK YOU. HEY, WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S ALMOST 8:00.
WE STILL HAVE TIME TO CALL OUR PARENTS
AND TELL THEM WE'RE OKAY AND GO OUT FOR SOME PIZZA.
FORGET THE SLICES.
LET'S MOSEY ON OVER TO CROUTONS.
THEY'VE GOT AN AMBROSIA SALAD I'D KILL FOR.
UGH.
COME ON, LI'L LILY.
UM, JOSH, I THINK WE'RE GONNA NEED TO RESCHEDULE THAT DATE. QUACK, WAIT UP.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT?
YOU WERE RIGHT WHEN YOU SAID THAT IF WE ALL GOT INTO A ROOM AND COMMUNICATED,
WE CAN BE FRIENDS. YEAH.
OH, NIC.
ONE MORE THING.
I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN.
♪ ALL WE HAVE TO SEE ♪
♪ IS THAT I DON'T BELONG TO YOU ♪
[JOSH] ARE THEY GONE?
[HARRISON] LET'S GIVE IT A MINUTE, JUST TO BE SAFE.
♪ FREEDOM ♪
♪ OH, OH, FREEDOM ♪
♪ MY FREEDOM ♪
NO FOOD?
NO OXYGEN? WE'RE GONNA DIE HERE.
WE'RE GONNA DIE!
[POUNDING] COME ON!
LET'S US OUT OF HERE! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!
♪ FREEDOM ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE FOR WHAT YOU TAKE ♪
♪ GIVE FOR WHAT YOU TAKE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ TO BEND AND NOT TO BREAK ♪
♪ CHIN UP, TRY NOT TO QUAKE ♪
♪ I'M GRINNING ON THE OUTSIDE ♪
♪ BUT I'M A WRECK INTERNALLY ♪
♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪