[SAM'S VOICE] I'M VERY SORRY FOR THE CHURCH DEBACLE
AND I HOPE EVERYONE CAN FORGIVE ME.
STILL I CANNOT PARTICIPATE IN SOMETHING
I KNOW IN MY HEART IS THE WRONG CHOICE.
IN THE NOVEL CRIME AND PUNISHMENT,
THE PROTAGONIST, RASKOLNIKOV,
PROPOSES THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF MEN,
THE ORDINARY AND THE EXTRAORDINARY.
RASKOLNIKOV'S THEORY WAS THAT IF ONE WERE EXTRAORDINARY,
AS HE SAW HIMSELF, THEN ONE WAS EXEMPT FROM PUNISHMENT.
SO, WHAT CONCLUSION CAN WE DRAW FROM HIS ULTIMATE INCARCERATION?
MISS JULIAN.
HE WAS WEAK.
HAD HE HELD OUT LONGER,
HE AND HIS LITTLE HARLOT COULD HAVE LIVED BLISSFULLY
IN A HOMEY DACHA BY THE BLACK SEA.
BELIEVE ME, PRISON WAS AVOIDABLE.
THAT'S ONE PERSPECTIVE, MISS JULIAN.
THANK YOU.
BUT CONSIDER THIS:
THROUGHOUT THE NOVEL, AS RASKOLNIKOV
ATTEMPTS TO COVER UP HIS TRACKS,
ONE LIE LEADS TO ANOTHER
UNTIL THE EMOTIONAL BURDEN IS TOO MUCH TO BEAR.
HE IS LEFT NO RECOURSE
BUT TO CONFESS HIS CRIME AND THUS DISPROVE HIS THEORY.
DOSTOYEVSKY IS SAYING
THAT ULTIMATELY WE ALL MUST PAY FOR OUR CRIMES.
NOTHING IN LIFE GOES UNPUNISHED, BABIES.
[BELL RINGS]
OKAY. WHERE IS SHE? DROP THE CHARADE.
I KNOW ONE OF YOU IS HIDING SAM.
WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT, BROOKE?
YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, DO YOU?
SAM'S MISSING. [CARMEN] MISSING?
BROOKE, I THINK SHE JUST SKIPPED FIRST PERIOD.
YEAH, I THINK IT'S A LITTLE SOON TO SEND OUT A SEARCH PARTY. MAYBE NOT.
UM, JANE AND MY DAD DON'T KNOW YET, BUT...
SAM'S RUN AWAY. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE SHE MIGHT BE?
NO.
OH, MY GOD.
YEAH, THAT'S GOOD RIGHT THERE. OKAY.
JUST TILT IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT TO THE LEFT. MM-HMM.
JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.
BRING THIS POINT DOWN A LITTLE BIT LIKE THAT. YEAH.
JUST BRING THIS PART UP. JUST A LITTLE BIT.
EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU BROOKE McQUEEN'S MOTHER?
♪ THINK IT OVER ONCE OR TWICE ♪
♪ WHAT LASTS THE LONGEST IN THIS LIFE ♪
♪ CHARACTER OR ROCK-HARD THIGHS ♪
♪ IN THE END DO YOU BELIEVE ♪
♪ THAT BEAUTY LIES IN WHAT YOU SEE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DO, THEN, BABY ♪
♪ YOU'VE BEEN DECEIVED ♪
♪ WELL, ME AND B ♪
♪ WE HATE SUPERMODELS ♪
♪ IT'S JUST THAT I'M TIRED OF BEING COMPARED ♪
EXCUSE ME?
ARE YOU BROOKE McQUEEN'S MOTHER?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
BROOKE McQUEEN, DAUGHTER OF MIKE AND KELLY McQUEEN.
I'VE DONE MY HOMEWORK, MISS FOSTER, SO DON'T DENY IT.
YOUNG LADY, JUST WHO ARE YOU?
I'M ABOUT TO BECOME UNWILLINGLY HITCHED TO YOUR DAUGHTER.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF STOPPING IT.
IN THAT CASE, LET ME HELP YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?
TO THE METHADONE CLINIC.
LOOK, I'M NOT ON DRUGS.
I KNOW YOU'RE BROOKE'S MOTHER. I'VE DONE INTERNET RESEARCH.
AT LAST, A Y2K GLITCH.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT KELLY, A PHOTOGRAPHER,
LEFT MIKE AND BROOKE IN L.A.
AND RAN OFF WITH HER RICH BOSS, RON FOSTER,
TO NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.
YOU'RE THE ONLY PHOTO GALLERY OWNER LIVING IN THE BAY AREA
WHO HAPPENS TO BE NAMED KELLY FOSTER.
HMM. GOOD JOB. COUPLE OF HOLES.
SUCH AS?
I'M SINGLE.
UP UNTIL LAST YEAR, I LIVED IN NEW YORK.
I'VE NEVER DATED ANYONE NAMED RON,
LET ALONE MARRIED THEM.
FOSTER IS MY MAIDEN NAME, AND UNLESS I WAS VERY DRUNK,
I'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH ANYONE NAMED MIKE McCAFFERTY.
IT'S McQUEEN.
SO YOU DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS?
I'M NOT THE MOTHER TYPE.
ANYTHING ELSE?
I WAS SO SURE YOU WERE IT.
SORRY.
AND I'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T HELP YOU.
JOSH, I GOTS US THE PERFECT CRIME. IT NEEDS NO PUNISHMENT.
YOU KNOW CAESAR CROUTON'S BREASTS AND THIGHS?
YEAH, IT'S THAT TRASHY STRIP CLUB WITH THE FULL-ON LAP DANCE.
AND A TASTY THREE-PIECE ROTISSERIE CHICKEN COMBO.
YEAH. WELL, I'M DOWN WITH THE BOUNCER, MAN.
MY BOY GOT MOVED TO THE DAY SHIFT.
ALL WE NEED'S A COUPLE FAKE I.D.s AND WE ARE IN.
NICE!
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
A LAP DANCE AND A DELICIOUS CHICKEN LUNCH TO BOOT.
I PROPOSE WE CROSS THE SOCIAL DIVIDE AND JOIN THEM.
ARE YOU CRAZY? EMORY, WE'LL GET BUSTED FOR SKIPPING.
EASILY AVOIDABLE WITH ONE OF MY PATENTED EXCUSE NOTES.
UM, SORRY, BUT I THINK I'M JUST CURSED TO BE THE ORDINARY MAN.
POPPYCOCK, CAPTAIN!
A LITTLE OF DOSTOYEVSKY'S UBER-MENSCH EXISTS WITHIN US ALL.
YOU JUST NEED YOUR FLAME FANNED.
LOOK. YOU HEARD MISS ROSS.
EVEN THAT RASTA-LA-LA-LA GUY COULDN'T CUT IT.
THAT CENTURIES OLD TOME NO LONGER HAS ANY RELEVANCE.
ONE NEED ONLY EXAMINE, UH, WOODY ALLEN'S
MUCH APPRECIATED 20TH-CENTURY REMAKE
CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS.
WELL, IN THE FILM,
MARTIN LANDAU PLAYS A VERY SUCCESSFUL OPHTHALMOLOGIST
WHO MURDERS A FORMER FLAME
AND THEN GOES ON TO LEAD A COMPLETELY GUILT-FREE EXISTENCE.
TRUST ME, CAPTAIN.
YOU TOO CAN BE THAT SUCCESSFUL OPHTHALMOLOGIST.
MR. DADDY, I HAVE A PROPOSAL.
[BROOKE] BUT YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SHE WENT TO.
SHE DIDN'T GIVE YOU ANY CLUE AS TO WHERE SHE WOULD GO?
CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? SHE'S BLUFFING.
WHAT IF SHE ISN'T?
I CAN'T RISK IT. I HAVE TO TELL MY PARENTS.
[SIGHS]
OKAY. YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, YOU'D BETTER CALL OFF THE SHOWER.
MAYBE EVEN BRING THE POLICE INTO IT.
START THIS IRREVERSIBLE TIDE OF PANIC. RUIN THE WEDDING.
AND PLAY RIGHT INTO SPAM'S COLD, UNMOISTURIZED HANDS.
IF YOU WANT THE WEDDING TO GO ON,
YOU JUST ACT LIKE NOTHING'S HAPPENED.
YOU REALLY JUST THINK THAT SHE'S BLUFFING?
HONEY, BY SUNDOWN, HER AND HER HEINOUS '80S BANGS
ARE GONNA BE HOME DIGGIN' IN HAAGEN-DAZS
WHILE HER LITHIUM PRESCRIPTION'S BEING FILLED.
WHAT ABOUT JANE'S SHOWER?
JUST MAKE SURE THE PREPARATIONS GO SMOOTHLY. OKAY?
NOTHING'S GONNA GET TO SAM MORE THAN COMING HOME
TO A MARTHA STEWARTESQUE BRIDAL SHOWER AND FINDING SHE HASN'T BEEN MISSED.
AND JUST REMEMBER, B, YOU CAN'T LET HER WIN.
YOU'VE GOT TOO MUCH AT STAKE. YEAH.
GENTLEMEN,
ANOTHER ADOLESCENT MILESTONE HAS BEEN REACHED.
I AM PROUD TO PRESENT YOU WITH YOUR FIRST
FALSE IDENTIFICATION CARD, CRAFTED TODAY
IN SECOND PERIOD COMPUTER LAB.
HERE YOU ARE.
YEAH! YEAH.
HEY. HARRISON.
- HAVE YOU SEEN SAM? - TODAY?
NO. NO. IS SOMETHING WRONG?
WELL... SHH!
NO. NOTHING'S WRONG.
GOOD.
YO, HE'S THE BOMB!
I AM IMPRESSED, EMORY.
DO I LOOK LIKE A PHIL GOLDFARB?
- OH, YEAH. - OKAY. THEN LET'S DO IT.
REMEMBER, THE SECRET TO UNDERAGE PASSING IS BEING COOL.
SO BE...
COOL.
♪ HORNY, HORNY ♪
♪ GEE, I'M HORNY ♪
♪ HORNY COOL BOYS ♪
♪ I NEED A STRIPPER OR I'LL POP MY ZIPPER ♪
♪ WACKY, HORNY COOL BOYS ♪
[MAN] I.D.s, GENTLEMEN.
AH. OKAY. LET'S SEE WHO WE GOT HERE.
MR. RYAN MURPHY.
AH, PHIL GOLDFARB.
MR. ROBIN.
THAT'S DR. ROBIN, D.D.S.
DOCTOR? HUH.
AND, UH, MR. SHATNER.
CAPTAIN SHATNER.
WELL, CAPTAIN, YOU AND YOUR CREW,
YOU CAN JUST GO HOME.
WHAT?
[JOSH] LOOK, WE'RE JUST HERE
FOR THE CHICKEN, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, I DON'T NEED THIS BUSINESS,
SO I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS.
WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT?
YOU BEEN HANGIN' OUT AT THIS DOOR SINCE YOU WERE 12.
I KNOW HOW OLD YOU ARE.
HOW YOU GONNA TRY TO PLAY ME LIKE THAT?
ARE YOU RETARDED?
NO.
I'M A DENTIST.
I HAVE PROOF. ISN'T THIS GOOD ENOUGH?
NO, BABY. THIS IS HOW IT GOES DOWN.
YOU GET BUSTED, THEN IT'S MY ASS.
MAN, NOBODY'S GONNA BUST A STRIP CLUB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.
AH, TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU COME BACK WITH AN ADULT WITH A REAL I.D.
WHO DOESN'T MIND PUTTING HIS ASS ON THE LINE.
THEN, HEY, FINE. I'LL LET YOU ALL IN.
WHERE WE GONNA FIND SOMEONE LIKE THAT? WELL, SUG,
WHY DON'T YOU TRY ONE OF YOUR DADDIES?
[CHUCKLES]
IN ADDITION TO ANNOUNCING
THAT A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT HAS BEEN REACHED,
CHERRY CHERRY SAID IN A STATEMENT TODAY
THAT SHE IS PLEASED THAT ERIK ESTRADA IS, HER WORDS,
"POTENT AND VIRILE," AND THAT SHE EXPECTS,
AFTER YEARS OF EMPTINESS, TO REAR HER FIRST CHILD.
WELL, IT'S OFFICIAL.
THAT HOLLYWOOD PHONY HAS BRAINWASHED MY MAMA.
I'M NOTHIN' BUT A FAINT MEMORY.
FAINT? YOU'RE MORE LIKE THAT KENNEDY KID THEY STUCK IN THE ATTIC.
TO THE WORLD, YOU DON'T EVEN EXIST.
THIS IS A CRIME. LIKE THAT "RASTAKOLINSTINE."
WELL, IF THAT'S THE CASE, MARY CHERRY,
THEN YOUR COURSE OF ACTION IS QUITE CLEAR.
THAT CRIME NEEDS TO BE PUNISHED.
HMM.
[CHATTERING]
[DOOR SHUTS]
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M LOOKING FOR PROOF.
YOU MAY NOT ADMIT IT, BUT I KNOW WHO YOU ARE,
EVEN IF YOU HAVE MANAGED TO ERADICATE ALL THE EVIDENCE.
I WANT YOU OUT, OR I'M GONNA HAVE YOU ARRESTED.
NO. THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS THE DAUGHTER YOU ABANDONED.
THE DAUGHTER YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOSE AGAIN
IF THIS MARRIAGE HAPPENS.
TAKE A GOOD LOOK.
YOU TWO DEFINITELY SWIM IN THE SAME GENE POOL.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS PERSON IS.
AND I'M CALLING THE COPS IF YOU DON'T LEAVE.
WOW.
NOW, THERE'S REALLY NO DENYING IT.
THAT COOL AND CONTROLLED ICY THING YOU JUST DID?
YOUR DAUGHTER'S GOT THAT DOWN IN SPADES.
HEY.
YOUR PICTURE.
KEEP IT.
NO ONE HAS SEEN HER ALL DAY. WE HAVE CHECKED EVERYWHERE.
CRANKY'S, MR. CLUCK'S, EVEN HER FATHER'S GRAVE.
I SEE. WELL, I WOULDN'T WORRY.
NIC SEEMS TO THINK THAT SAM'S TRYING TO MAKE SOME STATEMENT.
BASED ON MY OWN EXPERIENCE, I'D HAVE TO AGREE.
SHE'S BEEN GONE, LIKE, TEN HOURS ALREADY.
ISN'T IT A POLICE THING THAT YOU HAVE TO BE MISSING 48 HOURS
BEFORE THEY START A SEARCH?
BROOKE, DO YOU REALLY THINK IT IS A GOOD IDEA
TO JUST KEEP WATCHING THE CLOCK?
SHOULDN'T WE TELL SOMEONE?
NO. I WILL NOT LET SAM RUIN THIS WEDDING.
WE ARE GOING TO CARRY ON LIKE NOTHING HAS HAPPENED
AND MAKE THIS THE BEST BRIDAL SHOWER IN HISTORY.
OKAY? THAT WAY, WHEN SHE SHOWS UP, TAIL BETWEEN HER LEGS,
NO ONE IS THE WISER.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK BROOKE MIGHT BE RIGHT.
IF WE GO SPOUTING OFF,
SHE'S GONNA GET IN MORE TROUBLE WHEN SHE DOES COME HOME.
[BROOKE] RIGHT.
SHE'LL THANK US.
HEY, GIRLS.
OH, EVERYTHING LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.
WHERE'S SAM?
SOMETHING WRONG?
[CARMEN] MS. McPHERSON,
WE HAVE SOMETHING WE NEED TO TELL YOU.
SAM... DECIDED
TO SPEND THE NIGHT AT HARRISON'S,
AND SHE WANTED US TO TELL YOU.
THAT'S ALL.
DON'T WORRY. SHE'LL SHOW UP FOR THE SHOWER, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE PERFECT.
GOOD.
THANK YOU, GIRLS, FOR EVERYTHING.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THE HELP.
OUR PLEASURE. NO PROBLEM.
[LINE RINGS]
HEY, IT'S LILY. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE. [BEEPS]
HEY, LIL, IT'S SAM.
LOOK, I'M OKAY. I JUST WANTED TO HEAR A FRIENDLY VOICE.
PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO MY MOM.
I DON'T WANT HER TO WORRY ANY MORE THAN SHE NEEDS TO.
HEY, EVERY GIRL NEEDS AN ADVENTURE NOW AND THEN, RIGHT?
I'LL CALL YOU SOON.
I'M OKAY. SORT OF.
YO, WE CAN'T BE GIVIN' UP NOW.
I'M A HORNY TEENAGE BOY.
AND I HAVE NEEDS!
PERHAPS THERE'S A FACULTY MEMBER WE COULD APPROACH.
YEAH, I'M SURE BOBBI GLASS IS JUST ITCHIN'
TO TAKE FOUR TEENAGE BOYS TO A STRIP CLUB.
NO, SEE, THAT WON'T WORK.
TROY TOLD ME SHE'S BANNED... FOR LIFE.
[LAUGHING]
[BROOKE] JOSH.
HI. LOOK, I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.
I NEED TO GET MY DAD OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR THE BRIDAL SHOWER.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU GUYS COULD THROW HIM A BACHELOR PARTY.
TONIGHT.
I'M ONLY 16, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THROW A BACHELOR PARTY.
LUCKILY I DO.
[HARRISON] THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
COME ON, MR. GOLDFARB.
ENTERTAINING A BACHELOR, A FULLY GROWN ADULT MALE BACHELOR
SHOULDN'T BE SO DIFFICULT.
- YEAH. - [SUGAR] YOU KNOW, HE'S RIGHT.
WE CAN HANDLE IT, BOO.
WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOUR POPS A NIGHT TO REMEMBER.
BROOKE. THERE'S BEEN A DEVELOPMENT.
THANK YOU.
YEAH! WHOO!
[SAM] I'LL CALL YOU SOON. I'M OKAY. SORT OF.
OKAY, THIS IS GOOD.
SHE SAID, "I'M OKAY, DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO MY MOM." SEE?
NO, SHE SAID, "I'M OKAY, SORTA."
IT'S THE "SORTA" THAT GIVES ME PAUSE.
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS NOT GOOD. THIS IS NOT GOOD AT ALL.
CARMEN, WHAT'S WRONG?
DON'T YOU SEE? THE "SORTA" IS A SIGN
TO LET US KNOW THAT SHE CAN HEAR THAT SEWING MACHINE WORKING.
WHAT? WHY IS SHE NEAR A SEWING MACHINE?
HER PSYCHO KIDNAPPER WANTS TO TURN HER INTO A MAN VEST.
OH, SWEET MOTHER
OF HANNIBAL LECTER, I CAN SEE IT SO CLEARLY NOW.
WHAT ARE YOU SEEING?
SAM...
MOISTURIZING.
[THUNDERCLAP]
I WANT MY MOMMY.
[SOBBING]
IT'S NOT EVEN THE KIND WITH THE SUNSCREEN ADDITIVE.
IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET.
NO.
NO, I WANT OUT OF HERE!
I WANNA HAVE LUNCH AT THE CAFETERIA WITH MY FRIENDS.
I WANT A FRUIT ROLL-UP.
IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET. [BARKING]
SHUT UP, PRECIOUS, YOU STUPID BITCH!
SHUT...
GOOD. GOOD.
[SOBBING]
I WAS WITH YOU UNTIL THE FRUIT ROLL-UPS PART.
[BROOKE] OKAY, GUYS. ENOUGH WITH THE DOOM AND FREAK-OUT GLOOM.
WE GO ON AND WAIT FOR HER TO CALL, WHICH SHE SAID SHE'D DO.
WE DEMAND THAT SHE SHOW UP FOR THE SHOWER, OR WE THREATEN TO BUST HER.
SHE'LL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SHOW UP.
I KNOW IT.
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS CRAP.
I THOUGHT FOR SURE MY TATTOO OF THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.
WOULD GET ME SOME ATTENTION.
LOOK AT IT.
SHOCKING.
I KNOW. GUESS WHAT MY MAMA SAID WHEN SHE SAW IT.
SHE SAID, "HERE'S ONE FOR MY HOMIES."
THEN DUMPED A SIP OF HER COLT .45 MALT LIQUOR ON THE GROUND.
SO MUCH FOR MY DEVIOUS SCHEME OF BECOMING A LADY GANGSTER BITCH
LIKE FOXY BROWN OR MISSY MISDEMEANOR
TO GET SOME ATTENTION AROUND THAT HOUSE.
YOU'RE TRYING TO PUNISH YOUR MOTHER, NOT YOURSELF.
SO WHAT?
I'LL JUST BECOME ENGAGED
TO AN EVEN BIGGER STAR THAN ERIK ESTRADA
AND DENY MAMA'S EXISTENCE.
LEE MAJORS, THE FALL GUY.
OOH!
[BELCH]
WANDA RICKETS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CLEANIN' MY PITS.
YOU DO REALIZE YOU'RE NOT ENROLLED AT THIS SCHOOL, DON'T YOU?
I BEEN LIVIN' HERE EVER SINCE I RAN AWAY FROM HOME AND THE SANITARIUM.
I LIKE BATHROOM SUPPLIES.
OKAY, WELL, PERSONAL HYGIENE ASIDE, WANDA,
THIS CAN'T BE VERY SANITARY FOR US, OKAY?
SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK THAT YOU GO, HON. I CAN'T. NOT NOW.
I'M ADDICTED TO THAT BLUE TOILET BOWL CLEANER SANITIZER STUFF,
MR. FRESH BOWL.
I'M A JOHN JUNKIE AND PROUD OF IT.
HOW DID YOU AFFORD ALL OF THIS?
[WANDA] MY JOB.
A SHAMEFUL JOB.
ONE SO SHAMEFUL, MY PARENTS AND THE ENTIRE
TUPELO CITY GOVERNMENT HAVE BANNED ME FROM EVER RETURNING.
HOW SHAMEFUL? I LIVE IN EXILE.
ONE FOOT IN THE GUTTER
AND THE OTHER TRAMPLIN' ALL OVER MY PARENTS' BROKEN HEARTS.
I'M FILTHY.
FILTHY RICH.
WHAT IS IT EXACTLY YOU DO?
I'M TEEN TRASH.
[GASPS]
IS THERE ANY WAY THAT I, MARY CHERRY,
COULD ALSO BECOME FILTHY TEEN TRASH LIKE YOURSELF
AND PUNISH MY MAMA?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
GIVE ME A CAKE OF MR. FRESH BOWL
BEFORE I START GETTING WITHDRAWALS,
AND MAYBE THIS BIRDIE HERE WILL SING HER PRETTY WHORE TUNE.
HEY.
WAKE UP.
BAD NIGHT, HUH?
ME, TOO.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU COME INSIDE.
WE'LL SPLIT SOME LUNCH OVER GIRL TALK.
WHAT IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT ANYMORE?
ACTUALLY, A LOT.
I AM BROOKE'S MOTHER.
LET ME SHOW YOU GUYS THE HOUSE. IT'S REALLY TERRIFIC.
HI.
OKAY, GUYS. DON'T PANIC.
WE JUST HAVE TO THINK THIS THING THROUGH CLEARLY.
I DON'T KNOW, BROOKE. SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT TIME TO PANIC TO ME.
THE SHOWER'S ALREADY STARTED.
SAM HASN'T CALLED YET, WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE
SHE'S ON HER WAY TO BECOMING A MAN VEST.
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME WE THROW OURSELVES
ON THE MERCY OF THE COURT?
NO.
GUYS, REMEMBER, IF RASKOLNIKOV--
HI-- HELD OUT A BIT LONGER, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE.
BUT NO, HE DID NOT STICK TO HIS CONVICTIONS
AND THUS SPENT THE REST OF HIS LIFE IN PRISON.
TRUST ME. WE CANNOT TURN BACK NOW.
THIS IS WHAT WE DO. WE HAVE TO STALL.
WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO GET THROUGH THE SHOWER
WITHOUT JANE EVER REALIZING THAT SAM ISN'T HERE.
SAM'S A JOURNALIST, RIGHT?
YEAH.
DOES SHE TAPE HER INTERVIEWS?
YEAH.
HMM.
WHO TOOK THIS PICTURE?
[KELLY] IT'S ANONYMOUS.
I BOUGHT IT AT AN AUCTION. ONLY THING I KNOW IS ITS TITLE.
"MOTHER AND CHILD."
I GUESS YOU'RE ALWAYS DRAWN
TO THINGS THAT ARE A MYSTERY TO YOU.
THANKS.
SAM, I'M SORRY I LIED TO YOU.
CAN'T RUN AWAY FOREVER AND NOT EXPECT TO BE CAUGHT.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOSE YOUR DAUGHTER.
AGAIN. YOU CAN CHANGE THAT.
YOU HAVE TO.
IT WOULDN'T DO BROOKE ANY GOOD.
THERE WAS A REASON WHY I LEFT.
I'D HAD A VERY UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD.
WHEN BROOKE WAS BORN, I REALLY THOUGHT THAT I COULD BE DIFFERENT.
I WAS VERY UNHAPPY IN MY MARRIAGE.
I WAS SAYING THINGS AND DOING THINGS
THAT MY MOTHER USED TO SAY AND DO TO ME.
SO YOU RAN AWAY.
IF I STAYED IT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN WORSE.
I WOULD HAVE HURT BROOKE MORE, DAMAGED HER MORE.
DON'T YOU SEE?
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW, HURTING HER.
YOU CAN GO BACK. YOU CAN ALWAYS CORRECT MISTAKES.
BROOKE TALKS ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.
GIRLS OUR AGE NEED THEIR MOMS, YOU KNOW?
TELL ME, SAM.
IS SHE HAPPY?
I SUPPOSE.
BUT I THINK,
LIKE ME, THIS WHOLE JUMBLED FAMILY THING'S
GOT HER A LITTLE DISORIENTED.
SOUNDS LIKE SHE REALLY NEEDS SOMEONE TO HELP HER.
YEAH.
[MAN] HI, DARLING. HI.
CONGRATULATIONS ON A SPECTACULAR OPENING
AND AN EVEN BETTER EVENING TO BE.
HI.
I'M SAM McPHERSON. I'M...
A PHOTO STUDENT FROM BERKELEY.
I'M ASSISTING HER WITH SOME RESEARCH.
THIS IS MY HUSBAND, BARTON.
HOW NICE.
YEAH. WE WERE JUST FINISHING UP.
WHY DON'T I MEET YOU AT THE RESTAURANT.
ALL RIGHT, DARLING. PLEASURE.
BYE.
WOW, YOUR NEW HUSBAND HAS NO IDEA YOU EVEN HAVE A DAUGHTER,
DOES HE?
YEP, IT'S LEGIT.
AND THIS SHOULD COVER THE COVER.
BUT I STILL CAN'T LET YOU IN.
MAN, THAT AIN'T RIGHT!
I CAN'T HELP YOU. I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D ACTUALLY GET YOUR DAD.
MAN, CAN'T A BROTHER GET A WHAT-WHAT UP IN HERE?
SORRY, SUG.
YO, MAN, IT AIN'T HAPPENING.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT ME FOR?
COME ON, HARRISON, I'VE SEEN YOU IN CLASS. YOU'RE A THINKER.
FIGURE SOMETHING OUT. AN IMPASSIONED DEFENSE.
NEED TO SEE THOSE BREASTS AND THIGHS, CAPTAIN.
HEY... MAN.
UM... WE UPHELD OUR END OF THE BARGAIN.
NOW I THINK IT'S YOUR TURN. HMM.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE YOUNG?
SHOW US SOME MERCY, MAN.
LOOK AT US.
A VIRGIN WITH NO CHANCE OF SATISFACTION
UNTIL VIRTUAL REALITY TECHNOLOGY CAN BE PERFECTED.
A SIMPLETON
WHO SIMPLY WANTS ONE
SWEET TASTE OF FORBIDDEN FRUIT
AND A THREE-PIECE COMBO.
ANOTHER SIMPLETON WHO REALLY IS ONLY HERE FOR THE CHICKEN.
AND A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN ABOUT TO EMBARK ON HIS SECOND MARRIAGE,
WHOSE LIFE IS SO PITIFUL, HIS BACHELOR PARTY'S
BEING THROWN BY A BUNCH OF 16-YEAR-OLDS HE BARELY KNOWS.
HEY, DO I SMELL HONEY MUSTARD?
YOU SEE?
NOW, THE WAY I SEE IT,
THERE'S TWO KINDS OF TEENAGERS.
THE ORDINARY
AND THE EXTRAORDINARY.
THE ORDINARY BY NOW
IS AT HOME IN BED WATCHING CHRISTINA AGUILERA VIDEOS.
THE EXTRAORDINARY TAKES WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY HIS
WITHOUT FEAR OF RECRIMINATION.
NOW I, BEING AN EXTRAORDINARY TEEN MALE,
PITY THE INDIVIDUAL WHO TRIES AND STOPS ME.
WHOA!
YOU REALLY SCARE ME, SO STEP ON IN THERE.
BEFORE SOMEBODY SEES YOU, HUH?
THIS WAY, MR. McQUEEN.
THANK YOU.
JANE.
SAM JUST GOT HERE,
BUT I DON'T THINK SHE'S FEELING VERY WELL.
OH, HOW DID I MISS HER?
YOU WERE IN THE OTHER ROOM. SERVING HORS D'OEUVRES.
OH. WELL, WHERE IS SHE? IS SHE ALL RIGHT?
SAM, HONEY?
ARE YOU OKAY?
[SAM'S VOICE] NO.
SAM?
I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
IS IT SERIOUS? SHOULD I CALL DR. MICHAELS?
OR ARE YOU STILL MAD, AND THIS IS YOUR WAY OF MAKING ME PAY?
NO.
THEN I'D LIKE YOU TO COME DOWN TO THE SHOWER.
NO.
I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
MY STOMACH HURTS FROM ALL THIS TENSION
AND THOUGHTS OF MAN VESTS.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT IT WASN'T SERIOUS.
YES.
WHICH IS IT? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ILL OR NOT?
I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT HOW THE GLAMAZONS USE SCHOOL FUNDS.
WE SHOULD... SAM.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M COMING IN.
I'VE GOT A KEY.
ALL RIGHT YOUNG LA... [SHOWER RUNNING]
YOUNG LADY, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE STILL MAD AT ME,
BUT THIS IS GETTING TO BE DOWNRIGHT DISRESPECTFUL.
NOW GET DRIED OFF AND BE DOWNSTAIRS IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'M TIRED OF THIS, SAM.
OH...
♪♪ [DANCE MUSIC]
ARE YOU GUYS GONNA TELL ME WHERE WE ARE ANYTIME SOON?
[MAN] OW! BABY!
[MAN] WHOO!
WHAT?
SHUT UP. HE MAY HEAR YOU!
[TROY] GENTLEMEN, CAESAR CROUTONS
IS PROUD TO PRESENT TONIGHT'S
MAIN EVENT.
REMEMBER, TIP GENEROUSLY.
THESE WOMEN DO WORK HARD.
ON CENTER STAGE, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR A TRIO OF NAUGHTY AMATEURS.
WHOO!
PLEASE, WELCOME TO THE STAGE
MISS ERIKA ESTRADA.
[SIREN BLARING]
MOTHER OF GOD, HELP ME.
I THINK I MIGHT GO BLIND.
[TROY] MISS LOLA.
AND MISS BROOKE McQUEEN.
- HELL... - LADIES,
GIVE IT UP FOR THE MENS.
THANK YOU!
[MAN] ALL RIGHT!
WHOO! YEAH, BABY!
ALL RIGHT! WHOO!
[MOANING]
[MARY] MAMA CHERRY,
YOU JUST TRY AND DENY THIS.
TROY'S GETTING IT ALL
ON TAPE, AND I'M SENDING IT TO MELISSA RIVERS AT E!
[MAN] SMOKIN! WHOA!
OH, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S IT! THIS IS ABSURD. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN', MAN?
- I AM COVERING THAT GIRL. - YOU CAN'T TOUCH THE GIRLS.
THAT COSTS EXTRA. THAT'S LIKE HAVIN' SLAW WITH YOUR CHICKEN. NOW SIT DOWN!
- MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE. - THESE CHICKENS FRESH?
YES, YES. THEY'RE UNDERAGE.
THOUGHT SO. I'M AN UNDERCOVER COP.
THIS IS A BUST.
[SIGHS]
UM, EXCUSE ME.
SAM SHOULD BE DOWN MOMENTARILY
FOR THE OPENING OF THE PRESENTS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR PATIENCE.
UM, JANE, SAM INSISTS THAT
SHE'S NOT FEELING WELL ENOUGH TO COME DOWN.
SO LET'S JUST BARGE AHEAD WITH THE GIFTS
AND SEE IF YOU GOT EDIBLE PANTIES.
THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE, BROOKE.
WHERE IS SHE?
SAM REALLY CAN'T MAKE IT. I SWEAR.
- DID YOU SEE HER UPSTAIRS? - UH...
YEAH.
WERE ALL HER LIMBS INTACT?
DEAR GOD, I HOPE SO. I WANT YOU TO
MARCH UP THERE AND BRING HER DOWN NOW.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
WHY NOT?
OH, UM...
BECAUSE...
SPIT IT OUT, CARMEN.
OH!
OH...
SAM'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.
SORRY.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE GOING?
DON'T WANT YOUR DINNER TO GET COLD.
RIGHT.
SHE'S VERY BEAUTIFUL.
SHE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
YOU THINK ABOUT HER EVERY DAY, DON'T YOU?
WHEN A PERSON'S DONE SOMETHING LIKE I HAVE,
THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN LIVE WITH IT IS PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
BUT YOU REMEMBER THE SMALL THINGS.
AND THAT'S THE PUNISHMENT. THAT'S THE PRISON.
LIKE WHAT?
HOW SHE LAUGHED WHEN SHE PLAYED AND...
THE WAY HER SKIN SMELLED WHEN I HELD HER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE ALL THOSE THINGS UP.
I'M SORRY, BUT GOING BACK
IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME.
IT IS FOR YOU, THOUGH.
YOU'RE LUCKY, SAM.
YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO...
UNDO YOUR MISTAKES.
YEAH.
HERE.
THANKS FOR INTRODUCING HER TO ME.
YOU CAN KEEP IT.
I'D LIKE THAT.
BUT ONLY IF YOU TAKE SOMETHING WITH YOU.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I SHOULD GO.
YOU'D BETTER NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS,
OR I'LL SEE THAT EVERY ONE OF YOU BURNS
IN THE HELL PIT OF MY WRATH FOR ALL ETERNITY.
SHUT UP! TEEN DEVIANTS. THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.
UNDERAGE GIRLS STRIPPING.
UNDERAGE BOYS WATCHING THE STRIPPING AND EATING BAD SLAW.
IT'S AN OUTRAGE TO THE COMMUNITY.
OFFICER FRIENDLY, IS IT?
JEROME FRIENDLY.
THANKS FOR ASKING. PEDOPHILE.
I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE.
THERE HAS BEEN A HUGE MISTAKE HERE.
THERE HAS,
OFFICER FRIENDLY, AND I AM TOTALLY TO BLAME.
I AM A RESPONSIBLE, EXTRAORDINARY TEEN,
AND I BLINDFOLDED MR. McQUEEN AND MADE HIM COME HERE.
OKAY. WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLS?
OH. THEY'RE JUST WHORES?
[MIKE] FINE.
FINE. ARREST ME FOR MY CRIMES.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED THIS
AS SOON AS I SMELLED THE RANCID SLAW.
COME ON, ROB LOWE WANNABE.
YOU'RE OFF TO THE BIG HOUSE.
BEHIND YOUR BACK.
[HANDCUFFS CLICK]
LET'S GO.
BUT WE WERE JUST HERE FOR THE CHICKEN.
THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY BRIDAL SHOWER, GIRLS.
[LILY] WE'RE REALLY SORRY.
YOU SHOULD BE.
I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT I WAS HELPING HER.
SPARE ME THE RATIONALIZATIONS. YOU WERE HELPING YOURSELF.
THIS IS DANGEROUS STUFF. IT WAS STUPID.
IT'S JUST THE LIES.
THEY RAN AWAY FROM ME AND THEY KIND OF SNOWBALLED.
I SHOULD BE GROUNDED.
MS. McPHERSON, IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.
YOU CAN CALL THE POLICE AND REPORT SAM MISSING NOW.
WHAT KIND OF WORLD DO WE LIVE IN
WHERE YOU HAVE TO WAIT TO REPORT A CHILD'S DISAPPEARANCE?
YES, YES, I WILL HOLD.
WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO I HAVE?
BROOKE, WILL YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
DON'T EVER LIE TO ME AGAIN.
I KNOW. I'M SORRY.
THAT IS NOT GONNA CUT IT.
YOU ARE IN VERY BIG TROUBLE, AND WHEN MIKE GETS HOME...
[HARRISON] MS. McPHERSON, ABOUT MR. McQUEEN...
WELL, HE'S SORT OF...
[EMORY] HE'S DOWNTOWN.
AT THE PRECINCT, MS. McPHERSON, COOLING HIS HEELS IN THE TANK.
WE... WE GOT BUSTED.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, BROOKE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO TAKE HIM OUT.
YOU KNOW, FOR A BACHELOR PARTY.
[BROOKE] OH, MY GOD.
I AM RASKOLNIKOV.
AND WE WERE AT THIS STRIP CLUB,
AND, UH, THINGS GOT OUT OF HAND WITH SOME WHORES.
- WHAT? - WE ALL CHIPPED IN...
FOR BAIL MONEY.
- AND SOME WHITE MEAT. - MMM.
HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?
UM... HEY, GUYS.
[SAM] WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
SAM.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, MOM, I'M FINE.
REALLY, I'M FINE. OH, GOOD.
BECAUSE I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!
SO WHERE'D YOU GO?
MM. NOWHERE REALLY.
JUST TRYING TO FIGURE SOME THINGS OUT.
I FEEL HORRIBLE.
I KNOW, BUT AT LEAST BY USING ALL THE MONEY
SET ASIDE FOR THE WEDDING AND THE HONEYMOON,
MOM WAS ABLE TO BAIL MIKE OUT OF COUNTY LOCKUP.
HOW GREAT IS IT
THAT CHERRY CHERRY, WHEN SHE HEARD WHAT HAPPENED,
OFFERED TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING, AS LONG AS IT COULD BE A DOUBLE WEDDING.
THUS SORT OF ERADICATING US OF OUR CRIMES.
ALTHOUGH, WHY SHE DID IT
MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE TO ME AT ALL.
SHE DID IT BECAUSE SHE'S EMBARRASSED OF MARY CHERRY.
SHE FIGURES, MAYBE, IN A LARGE SETTING,
NO ONE WILL NOTICE IT'S HER DAUGHTER.
EVEN THOUGH MARY CHERRY'S PSYCHOTIC, I FEEL FOR HER.
AT LEAST SHE HAS A MOTHER.
SO DO YOU, BROOKE.
HER NAME'S JANE McPHERSON.
SOON TO BE McQUEEN.
AND SHE LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.
I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN
TOO GOOD AT SHARING UP UNTIL THIS POINT.
BUT I'D LIKE TO START TRYING.
I'D LIKE THAT.
I NEVER...
THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS.
BUT I'M REALLY GLAD THAT YOU'RE BACK.
MOM.
I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO
LEAVE MY ROOM UNTIL AFTER PROM,
BUT I WANTED TO GIVE YOU MY PRESENT.
AND SAY I AM SO SORRY.
I KNOW I PUT YOU THROUGH HELL.
I WAS JUST AFRAID THIS WEDDING
AND BRINGING MIKE AND BROOKE INTO THE FAMILY WOULD BREAK US APART.
THE PAST FEW MONTHS, I'VE BEEN FEELING LIKE I'M LOSING YOU.
YOU'RE NOT.
I KNOW THIS IS STRANGE
AND SCARY AND YOU PROBABLY HAVE
ALL THESE INTENSE FEELINGS GOING THROUGH YOU,
BUT...
BROOKE AND MIKE WON'T BREAK US APART.
NOTHIN' WILL.
EVER.
WE'RE A TEAM, NO MATTER WHAT.
SAM.
OH.
[SNIFFLES]
THAT'S ALL THE PRESENT I NEED.
BUT, YOU KNOW, SINCE YOU DID GO TO THE TROUBLE...
JUST GO AHEAD. OPEN IT. [LAUGHS]
[GASPS]
OH, SAM.
OH, SAM, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
♪ TO BEND AND NOT TO BREAK ♪
♪ CHIN UP, TRY NOT TO QUAKE ♪
♪ I'M GRINNING ON THE OUTSIDE ♪
♪ BUT I'M A WRECK INTERNALLY ♪
♪ OOH, LA LA LA LA ♪