[ANNOUNCER] PREVIOUSLY, ON POPULAR.
MISS FERRARA, DUST OFF YOUR POMPOMS.
I'M TERMINATING YOUR GLAMAZON MEMBERSHIP.
[MIKE] JANE, YOU ARE OVERREACTING.
[JANE] I SAW YOU, I SAW HER.
I SAW HER LIPS COLLIDE WITH YOURS.
I THINK I'M BEING PRETTY DAMN RATIONAL.
I'VE CAUSED A LOT OF PROBLEMS AROUND HERE,
PROBLEMS THAT I NEED TO MAKE RIGHT.
THERE MUST BE A WAY TO DO THAT BESIDES BUYING A HOUSE HERE.
I'VE TALKED WITH BROOKE, AND I'M MOVING BACK TO SAN FRANCISCO.
I'M MOVING WITH HER.
LOOK, BECAUSE OF OUR SEMI-RELATED STATUS, YOU'RE THE FIRST TO FIND OUT.
AND I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU KEPT MY DECISION TO MOVE TO SAN FRANCISCO QUIET.
FINE, NO PROBLEM, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
TRY AND UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITHOUT YOUR MOM.
- [DOOR OPENING] - I DID. AND NOW THAT I HAVE HER BACK,
THIS TIME I'M NOT GONNA LOSE HER.
- [NICOLE] HEY, B. - HEY.
- HI.
[BELL RINGS]
DUE TO LAST NIGHT'S FREAK ELECTRICAL STORM,
MY SUBSCRIPTION TO BASIC CABLE WAS INADVERTENTLY AND BRIEFLY UPGRADED.
I WAS DISMAYED TO FIND THAT WHAT I THOUGHT WAS DESCRAMBLED PORNO
WAS ACTUALLY A RAUNCHY TEEN MUSIC CHANNEL.
SO, BEFORE EACH OF YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO "OOPS, DO IT AGAIN,"
I'M GONNA NIP THIS PROBLEM RIGHT IN ITS HORMONAL BUD.
MEET...
"BABY, DON'T DO IT" DOLL.
[BABY CRIES]
UNTIL YOU LEARN THAT THE BURDEN OF PARENTING
OUTWEIGHS THE MOMENTARY PLEASURES
OF SEXUAL GRATIFICATION,
THIS WILL NOT LEAVE YOUR PERSON.
THESE ARE NOT SIMPLE DOLLS.
THIS IS A STATE-OF-THE-ART CHILD SIMULATION
MANUFACTURED BY NASA.
TWO LINES!
YEAH, IT'S A NICE IDEA, BUT WHAT'S TO KEEP US FROM TOSSING IT IN THE FRIDGE?
A SIMPLE YET EFFECTIVE SYSTEM.
I'M FORCED TO GRADE YOU ON THEIR SMILES.
THANKS TO A COMPUTER CHIP,
THESE DOLLS WILL REGISTER IF THEY ARE FED, CHANGED AND TUCKED IN,
AND YOUR REWARD BEING A BEDTIME GRIN
AND AN ELECTRONIC RECORD THAT AT WEEK'S END
WILL CONCLUSIVELY TELL WHETHER YOU'RE A JUNE CLEAVER
OR A JOAN CRAWFORD.
- UM, I'M CHILDLESS. - AND THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF.
CHOICES HAD TO BE MADE ON YOUR PERSONALITY.
I DIDN'T DEEM YOU MUCH OF A PREGNANCY RISK.
HOW DARE YOU, CLAW?
YOUR EXCLUSIONARY TACTICS ARE FASCIST, THEY ARE IMMORAL,
- THEY... - LILY, YOU CAN JUST SHARE MINE.
PICK OUT WALLPAPER ON YOUR OWN TIME.
FOR NOW, I SUGGEST ALL OF YOU GET ACQUAINTED WITH YOUR DOLLS.
AND REMEMBER,
PARENTHOOD, LIKE KEEPING DEVO'S MEMORY ALIVE,
IT'S A FULL-TIME JOB.
ENJOY YOUR WEEK.
SEE, BROOKE, I ALWAYS KNEW WE'D HAVE A FAMILY.
HEE-HEE.
♪ THINK IT OVER ONCE OR TWICE
♪ WHAT LASTS THE LONGEST IN THIS LIFE
♪ CHARACTER OR ROCK-HARD THIGHS
♪ IN THE END DO YOU BELIEVE
♪ THAT BEAUTY LIES IN WHAT YOU SEE
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DO, THEN, BABY
♪ YOU'VE BEEN DECEIVED
♪ WELL, ME AND B
♪ WE HATE SUPERMODELS
♪ IT'S JUST THAT I'M TIRED OF BEING COMPARED ♪
[BABY CRYING, SPITTING UP]
PUKE.
IT'S OFFICIAL. PARENTING SUCKS.
VERY TRUE, CAPTAIN.
THIS WEEK WHILE MY PARENTS ENJOY
THEIR ANNUAL PILGRIMAGE TO STONEHENGE,
I'VE BEEN SADDLED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY
OF KEEPING A WATCHFUL EYE ON THE TWINS.
FATHER DICK HAS DECREED
THAT IF CHAOS SHOULD RAIN ON DICK MANOR,
I SHALL FIND MYSELF FOREVER IMPRISONED BY HIS DARK WILL.
YOU HAVE A CURFEW? SO WHAT? IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE.
TRUE, BUT I PLAN TO. PLUS, THERE'S A MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF TRON NEARING,
WITH SPECIAL GUEST, BRUCE BOXLEITNER.
I, FOR ONE, DO NOT INTEND TO READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPERS.
PERSPECTIVE TIME.
EMILY AND EMMA ARE THE SWEETEST LITTLE GIRLS I'VE MET.
NO LONGER, CAPTAIN.
WITH THE ONSET OF PUBERTY, THEY'VE MUTATED.
THEY'RE MONSTERS.
MONSTERS.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
NICOLE JULIAN, MARY CHERRY. I'M EMILY AND THIS IS EMMA.
[BOTH] WE'RE EM AND EM.
WE'RE EMORY'S SISTERS.
WE SWEAR, WE ARE NOTHING LIKE HIM.
WE'RE JUNIOR-IN-THE-ROUGH HOTTIES.
- HIS HIDEOUSNESS IS NOT GENETIC. - MAY WE SPEAK?
ASIDE FROM BROOKE McQUEEN, YOU TWO ARE THE MOST POPULAR GIRLS AT KENNEDY,
AND WE NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE.
LUCY BLAIR, THE MOST POPULAR EIGHTH GRADER IN THE HISTORY OF GARRETT,
RECENTLY DIED DUE TO SEVERE CARBOHYDRATE DEFICIENCY.
WE WANT TO REPLACE HER AND NEED YOU TO PASS ON TO US
YOUR UNIQUE BLEND OF STYLE AND RUTHLESSNESS.
YEAH, HI. TELETUBBIES, GO HOME.
YOU TWO ARE LEGENDS.
EVERYONE KNOWS WHILE BROOKE SITS ON THE THRONE,
YOU RULE WITH AN IRON FIST.
YOU TWO HAVE BECOME ICONS TO A YOUNGER GENERATION. YOUR EXPLOITS ARE MYTHIC.
MYTHIC?
ICONS. [NICOLE SIGHS]
- WELL, I'M NOT SURPRISED. - [BABY CRYING]
MARY CHERRY... [SIGHING]
ALTHOUGH YOU DID BETRAY ME DURING TRYOUTS,
I MUST ADMIT THAT I DID ADMIRE YOUR RUTHLESSNESS.
WELL, THANK YOU, NIC.
YOU SHOULD KNOW, WHILE I WAS STABBING YOU IN THE BACK,
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO EMULATE YOU.
WHAT CAN I DO TO RESTORE OUR DYSFUNCTIONAL, SOCIOPATHIC FRIENDSHIP?
LET ME SMACK YOUR SMUG FACE AS HARD AS I CAN.
- FINE. EVEN STEVEN? - MM-HMM.
ME FIRST.
[♪ BIZET'S CARMEN: "HABANERA"]
[CROWD GASPS, GROANS]
[MAN'S VOICE] UH-OH.
[BOXING BELL RINGS]
[CROWD CHEERS]
[MAN] THE WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION...
NICOLE JULIAN!
[CROWD ROARS]
YOU HAVE OUR ATTENTION NOW. TELL US WHY WE SHOULD HELP YOU.
WE HAVE CASH.
WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE.
GWYNETH? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
WE ARE NOT NAMING IT GWYNETH.
- DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA? - THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S A BOY OR A GIRL.
HOW 'BOUT WE CALL IT... HILARYSWANK.
ONE WORD.
- FINE. - FINE.
I COMPILED A TO DO LIST AND SPLIT IT.
CAN YOU MAKE SURE I DIDN'T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT? HEY.
[SIGHS] OKAY.
I AM HAVING TWIN CRISES OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS.
FIRSTLY, I BELIEVE MY BABY HAS COLIC,
WHICH IS REAFFIRMING MY LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
TO EMPHASIZE MY CAREER AND NOT MY SEX DRIVE.
AND SECONDLY, YOU GUYS CAN'T SAY A THING.
FRIDAY, BROOKE'S MOVING TO SAN FRANCISCO WITH KELLY.
SAMMY, ISN'T THIS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT FOR?
IF YOU SAW MY MOM, YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
SHE'S EVERYTHING TO ME, AND NOW SHE'S A WRECK.
BROOKE'S GOING.
MIKE WILL BLAME ME AND PROBABLY BE SCARED AWAY FROM MY MOM FOREVER.
I'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
SAMMY, RELAX. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO A THING.
THERE IS NO GREATER APHRODISIAC THAN LONELINESS.
- YOU THINK SO? - YEAH.
DO YOU GUYS REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?
IF BROOKE LEAVES, SO DOES THE CONSCIENCE OF THE GLAMAZONS.
SOMEONE HAS TO CARRY ON HER SPIRIT,
AND IF IT'S NOT ME, THEN WHO'S IT GONNA BE?
I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR... LUNCH.
- [BABY CRIES] - BROOKY, FOR THE FIRST TIME,
THE EMPTINESS I FEEL INSIDE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BULIMIA.
BUT, BROOKE, WHO WILL I LOOK TO TO GUIDE ME
THROUGH THE DARK, PERILOUS MINEFIELD THAT IS TEEN SKIN CARE?
I PROMISE TO COME AND VISIT AS OFTEN AS I CAN,
BUT MY MIND IS MADE UP.
WELL, I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, B.
I KNOW HOW MUCH IT'S MEANT FINDING YOUR MOTHER,
AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR BOTH OF US
WHEN I SAY WE BOTH JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.
THANKS. REALLY?
GOSH, THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.
OH. OKAY. WISH ME LUCK.
OH. YEAH. JOSH IS NEXT.
OOH.
GOD BLESS HER MATERNALLY OBSESSED HEART, MARY CHERRY.
WE ARE FINALLY FREE.
FREE OF THE TYRANNY OF KINDNESS AND COMPASSION.
FREE TO BE YOU AND ME!
NOW, THE OPPORTUNITY FOR US IS UNPRECEDENTED AND WE NEED TO FOCUS.
THE MINUTE BROOKY LEAVES, EVERY GIRL WHO'S READ SEVENTEEN WILL BE VYING FOR HER SPOT.
- I SMELL BLOODSHED AND CARNAGE. - YES.
WE HAVE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR HEAD START.
BECAUSE UNITED, WE CAN AND WILL CONQUER.
EXCELLENT!
YOU START BY BREAKING THE SPIRIT OF OUR CLASSMATES.
I'LL GET RID OF THE TWINS SO WE CAN CONCENTRATE ON OUR DASTARDLY PLOT.
BAD IDEA, MARY CHERRY. EVERY POWERFUL REGIME NEEDS FUNDING.
AND BY THE LOOKS OF THEIR PRADA-ESQUE BACKPACKS,
THOSE TWEENS HAVE IT IN SPADES.
[BABY SCREAMS]
YOU SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, YOU LITTLE NO-NECKED MONSTER!
YOU DAMN BASTARD CHILD!
WAIT, MARY CHERRY!
IF YOU DECAPITATE THIS DOLL, THEN WE FAIL.
IF WE FAIL, WE ARE INELIGIBLE FOR HOMECOMING COURT,
A SYMBOLIC, NECESSARY POSITION TO ATTAIN.
NIC, I CAN'T POSSIBLY WASTE MY ENERGY
WORRYING ABOUT THE WELFARE OF SOMEONE ELSE.
WELL, YOU WON'T HAVE TO.
WHO MAKES A GOOD MOTHER, MARY CHERRY?
THINK.
PENELOPE POPPINS, I AM.
WITH ME AS YOUR NANNY, REST ASSURED THE LOVES WILL HAVE A JOLLY GOOD TIME.
AND YOUR CARES SHALL FLOAT AWAY LIKE FLOWER PETALS ON A BRISK SUMMER DAY.
- [BABIES SCREAM] - OH... OH.
OH. DON'T WORRY, LOVES.
I'LL TREAT THEM AS IF THEY WERE MY VERY OWN.
- HEY, B. - HEY.
IS THIS A DIAPER RASH?
THE THING'S BEEN GROWING FOR THE LAST TWO PERIODS.
YEAH, YOU PROBABLY JUST NEED SOME BABY POWDER.
OH, NICE.
HEY, I WAS THINKING.
MAYBE YOU AND I AND THE "KIDS" COULD GET TOGETHER FRIDAY.
LIKE A PLAY DATE. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO CHUCK E. CHEESE'S?
LITTLE PIZZA, LITTLE SKEE-BALL?
UH...
JOSH, FRIDAY PROBABLY WON'T WORK FOR ME,
BECAUSE, YOU SEE, MY MOM AND ME,
WE'RE GOING...
TO DINNER.
YOU KNOW.
NO PROBLEM. HOW 'BOUT SATURDAY?
- [BABY COOING] - [PHONE RINGS]
HOLD ON. UH...
BABY...
HELLO? HEY.
NOW? SURE. NO, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.
OKAY, OKAY, BYE. LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.
MY MOM HAS ARRANGED A PRIVATE VIEWING OF THE NEW DAMIEN HIRSCH EXHIBIT. BYE.
SEE YA.
MIKE, HI.
- HI, SAM. HOW ARE YOU? - I'M OKAY.
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT, I SORTA MISS OUR MONOPOLY SHOWDOWNS.
HAVE YOU SEEN BROOKE? SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME A HALF HOUR AGO.
MAYBE BROOKE GOT THE DAYS MIXED UP. SHE'S HAD A LOT ON HER MIND LATELY.
- I WOULDN'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. - HOW CAN I NOT?
I TOOK THE WHOLE WEEK OFF TO BE WITH HER.
I THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE SOME FATHER/DAUGHTER QUALITY TIME BEFORE...
YOU HAVE BEEN A GREAT FATHER, MIKE.
TO BROOKE AND TO ME.
I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU.
BROOKE FEELS THE SAME. I KNOW THAT.
MAYBE SO. IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE FRIDAY ANY EASIER.
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T SPEND FRIDAY ALONE.
- MY MOM IS A REALLY GOOD LISTENER. - SAM...
I DON'T THINK ANYBODY WHO IS AS EMOTIONALLY SPENT AS I AM
HAS ANY BUSINESS BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.
MIKE, I AM SO SORRY.
IF I HADN'T GONE TO SAN FRANCISCO AND OPENED UP THIS WHOLE CAN OF WORMS...
THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT NOW.
YOU'RE THE PARENT. TELL BROOKE SHE CAN'T GO.
SAM, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
THEN I'LL TELL HER.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, THEN I WILL FIND SOMETHING THAT DOES.
I PROMISE. BROOKE ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
NIC, WHILE I AM SUITABLY AWED
BY OUR FABULOUS NEUTRA-ESQUE SURROUNDINGS,
I AM FORCED TO WONDER...
HOW CAN SOMEONE SUCH AS EMORY DICK
POSSIBLY COME FROM A FAMILY WITH SUCH EXQUISITE RETRO TASTE?
MY GUESS IS ADOPTION.
[NICOLE] HELLO, GIRLS. NICE FURS.
OKAY, YOU'VE LEARNED WELL, GRASSHOPPERS.
NOW, FOR THE READING LIST.
THE ART OF WAR BY SUN TZU.
THE PRINCE, BY NICOLE.
OH. NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
AND MY WAY OF LIFE BY JOAN CRAWFORD.
MARY CHERRY, YOU HAVE THE FLOOR.
GIRLS, PLEASE PET YOUR LUXURIOUS MINKS AND SHOW ME A SUPERIOR SMUG LOOK.
VERY GOOD. BEFORE WE SEND YOU ON YOUR WAY,
WE HAVE ONE CRUCIAL HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.
COMPILE A GUEST LIST TO THE PARTY YOU WILL THROW THIS FRIDAY.
THE ONLY WAY TO INSURE COMPLETE SOCIAL DOMINATION
IS TO THROW THE FIRST AND BEST PARTY OF THE YEAR.
AND REMEMBER, IT'S NOT WHO YOU PUT ON THE LIST. IT'S WHO YOU LEAVE OFF.
- WE'LL BEGIN IMMEDIATELY. - YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING.
AS THE ELDER SIBLING, I, EMORY, DECREE
THAT YOU SHALL OBEY ALL MY COMMANDS.
THERE SHALL BE NO REBELLIOUS TALK OR TOMFOOLERY OF ANY KIND.
- AND FURTHERMORE... - [BABY SCREAMS]
CAN I NOT GET ONE MOMENT OF PEACE?
NOW, GIRLS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO GAINING CONTROL IN ANY CONFLICT?
- FIND YOUR ENEMY'S WEAKNESS. - THEN EXPLOIT IT.
SO, VIRGIN, STILL GETTING THOSE CYBER SEX REJECTIONS?
STOP IT. YOU WILL SHOW ME RESPECT.
- GEEK. - NERD.
- LOSER. - OH, I FEEL SUCH PRIDE, MARY CHERRY.
LOOK AT HOW THEY HUMILIATE HIM. SUCH PANACHE, THEY'RE NATURALS.
THESE ARE THE GIRLS OF THE FUTURE.
BUT, NIC, ISN'T IT TIME WE ADDRESS OUR OWN FUTURE?
WE HAVE, MARY CHERRY, WE HAVE.
ON FRIDAY NIGHT, AT THE HOUR OF BROOKE'S DEPARTURE,
THIS MAGNIFICENT DOMICILE SERVES AS THE SITE OF OUR CORONATION
WHEN WE TAKE OVER THE PARTY.
OH!
[MUMBLING]
LINE UP TAB...
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
HEY, YO, YO. CHECK IT OUT. IT'S THE REAL SLIM SHADY.
AW, THAT'S COOL, BRO.
DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT STROLLERS, MAN?
THESE IKEA-ESQUE DIRECTIONS ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO FOLLOW.
YO, BABY, THERE'S A MUCH SIMPLER SOLUTION. STYLINBABY.COM.
NICE. OH, HEY.
BROOKE AND I ARE GOING TO CHUCK E. CHEESE'S WITH THE KIDS ON SATURDAY.
YOU WANNA INVITE EXQUISITE, MAKE IT A "PAR-TAY"?
YOU KNOW I'M DOWN WITH THE CHEESE. COME ON, NOW.
I'M GLAD THOSE RUMORS ABOUT BOO AREN'T TRUE.
PLACE WOULDN'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT HER.
WHOA. WHAT RUMORS, BRO?
YO, BABY. WE GOTTA TALK.
WHAT?
THERE ARE CONVICTED FELONS WHO ARE MORE ATTENTIVE PARENTS.
SHE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF ME. DOESN'T SHE DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE?
SURE, IF IT'S AT SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPENSE.
LOOK, IF MY FATHER LOVES ME, HE'LL UNDERSTAND MY DECISION AND LET ME GO.
WHAT'S THIS?
IS THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE?
"I HAVE YOUR DOLL. MORE INSTRUCTIONS TO FOLLOW. DO NOT CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES."
- YOUR BABY WAS KIDNAPPED? - NO, I...
LOOK, I JUST PROBABLY LEFT IT SOMEWHERE.
I'VE HAD A LOT OF OTHER THINGS ON MY MIND, SAM.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY.
I'M LEAVING.
[CARMEN] I'VE ASKED YOU ALL HERE TODAY
BECAUSE YOU ARE THE HEART AND SOUL OF KENNEDY,
AND I WANT TO HEAR YOUR CONCERNS.
AS A GLAMAZON, I NOW HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE CHANGE,
AND I ASSURE YOU,
I WILL.
EMPTY TALK, CARMEN FERRARA.
YOU HAD THE POWER LAST YEAR, AND YOU DID BULL SQUAT.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WE WANT?
HOW ABOUT TO JUST ONCE FEEL THE HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE
WE HUNGRILY READ ABOUT IN THE PAGES OF COSMO GIRL AND BARELY LEGAL?
MAKE THAT HAPPEN, CARMEN FERRARA,
AND MAYBE WE'LL BELIEVE YOU.
[BABIES CRYING]
DUDE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
[BELL RINGS]
BY THE VACANT LOOKS IN YOUR EYES,
I CAN SEE THE PRISON SENTENCE ASPECT OF CHILD REARING
HAS BEGUN TO SET IN.
AH, MISS JULIAN AND MISS CHERRY.
THIS ASSIGNMENT WAS ABOUT THE REARING OF CHILDREN,
NOT THE SHUNNING OF RESPONSIBILITY.
OH, I BEG TO DIFFER, CLAW. OUR AU PAIR COMES FROM THE FINEST AGENCY.
GOING A LITTLE HEAVY ON THE EYE SHADOW, LADIES?
THE WEE ONES GOT IN A BIT OF ROW WHILE FLYING A KITE.
OKAY, GIRLS, IT'S YOUR MONEY.
BUT BE WARNED.
AS THE PARENT, YOU ARE ENTIRELY RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE HEALTH AND WELL-BEING OF YOUR CHILD.
I DON'T SEE YOUR CHILD, MISS McQUEEN.
IT'S, UM, MISSING.
UNUSUALLY CARELESS FOR ONE AS METICULOUS AS YOURSELF.
CARE TO PROVIDE AN EXPLANATION?
WHAT DOES SHE CARE, MISS GLASS? SHE'S MOVING TO SAN FRANCISCO.
[GLASS] IS THIS TRUE, MISS McMOVING-ON-OUT?
YEAH. FRIDAY'S MY LAST DAY.
NEVERTHELESS, YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO ME
AND TO THIS ASSIGNMENT.
DISREGARD YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES AND FACE THE CONSEQUENCE.
AN "F" ON YOUR PERMANENT AND TRANSFERABLE RECORD.
WHAT? BUT YOU CAN'T DO THAT. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. MY DOLL'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.
YOU CANNOT FAIL ME. I AM WAITING FOR INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE KIDNAPPER.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FAIL,
SOLVE THIS SILLY LITTLE HOAX
AND BRING YOUR BABY BACK FROM PATTY HEARST LAND IN PRISTINE CONDITION.
OTHERWISE, LIKE AN STD FROM A CHEAP BANGKOK HOOKER,
THE DARK CLOUD OF MY WRATH WILL FOLLOW YOU
FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE.
[WHISTLES]
STOP THE CAMILLE ACT, SAM. YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL.
UH-UH. I CAN'T GO, MOM.
EVERYTHING I TOUCH, I DESTROY.
MOM, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CALL MIKE AND PATCH THINGS UP?
KELLY'S GOING AWAY.
LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET YOU, BUT I SAW MIKE.
HE'S DEVASTATED.
YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME. HE NEEDS YOU NOW.
WELL, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THAT STEP JUST TO ASSUAGE YOUR GUILT, SAM.
WELL, THEN DO IT BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM.
YOU DO LOVE HIM, DON'T YOU?
THEN PICK UP THE PHONE.
[LILY CHANTING]
HEY, LILY.
YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE RIGHT.
MY MOM AND MIKE ARE GOING OUT TONIGHT, AND IF IT ALL GOES OKAY,
THIS WHOLE NIGHTMARE JUST MIGHT DISAPPEAR.
- HUH. - [CHANTING CONTINUES]
WHOA. YOU LOOK LIKE A NEGLECTED TRAILER TRASH HOUSEWIFE.
- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE? - I WILL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
WE WERE ABANDONED, AND NOW LITTLE HILARYSWANK
WON'T STOP CRYING AND PUKING AND PEEING.
- AND DID I MENTION CRYING? - LILY, GET A GRIP.
[BABY WAILS]
RED.
OKAY, SHE'S A GLAMAZON. GREEN.
ENJOY YOUR DIS-INVITATION.
JUST SO THERE'S NO, "I HEARD ABOUT IT.
GEE, I WONDER IF I'M INVITED" MISUNDERSTANDING LATER.
THAT'S IT. THIS IS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO SHAKE THINGS UP.
DON'T WORRY, YOU GUYS. I'M A GLAMAZON.
I DECIDE WHO GETS ON THIS LIST,
WHETHER NICOLE OR PSYCHO CHERRY LIKES IT OR NOT.
DO YOU SEE HOW SHE PRIORITIZES, SAM?
PLANNING A PARTY WHILE HER CHILD TEETERS ON THE EDGE.
YOU HAVE ONE THING TO DO. HOW HARD IS IT TO TAKE CARE OF A DOLL?
WHAT DO YOU THINK I DO ALL DAY?
SIT AROUND IN MY ROBE WATCHING TABITHA AND JIMMY CAVORT?
WHAT, YOU CAN'T HANDLE A LITTLE CRYING? YOU WANT ME TO DO EVERYTHING?
FINE. I WILL.
I BETTER GO GET SOME POSTPARTUM HERBAL REMEDY.
- NO. - BE ON TIME.
- NEVER. - SAME.
YEAH, I'D RATHER DIE. DROP YOUR CARD, BABY.
HELLO THERE, LADIES. IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU,
I'D LIKE TO HEAD OFF WITH THE LITTLE SPROGS EARLY.
SET UP THE NURSERY FOR TONIGHT'S SOIREE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF OLIVER TWIST IS GOING ON HERE?
CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, BUT DIDN'T MY BABY HAVE A NOSE?
ALLERGIES.
- [BABIES CRYING] - [NANNY GASPS]
SHE FELL UNDER A CAR, MUM.
THAT'S ALL. IT'S NOTHING TO BE ALARMED ABOUT.
TOODLES. SEE YOU TONIGHT.
WHAT'S COME OVER ME?
MY MATERNAL INSTINCTS ARE CLAWING THEIR WAY TO THE SURFACE.
I THINK I'M WORRIED ABOUT THOSE KIDS.
I THINK I'M WORRIED ABOUT OUR GRADES.
IF CLAW FINDS OUT WE'VE HIRED THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE,
OUR REIGN WILL BE SHORTER THAN THE DRESS I PLAN TO WHORE MYSELF IN TONIGHT.
I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN. I REALLY AM.
SIR, TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS
IS THAT THE KIDNAPPERS HAVE NOT CONTACTED ME AGAIN.
- I'M THE VICTIM HERE. - PERHAPS.
BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT WAS YOUR FAILURE AS A PARENT
THAT GOT YOU INTO THIS MESS.
MISS McQUEEN, CAN YOU HONESTLY TELL ME
YOU FEEL YOU HAVE FULLY LIVED UP TO YOUR PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES?
IF THE POINT OF THE ASSIGNMENT WAS TO UNDERSTAND
THE RIGORS AND DIFFICULTIES OF BEING A PARENT,
THEN, YES, I HAVE.
WELL, THEN, CONGRATULATIONS. YOU PASS.
YES!
THE ONLY CONSEQUENCE YOU'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH IS YOUR OWN GUILT.
ARE YOU SURE WE'RE INVITED?
YES, APRIL, I CHANGED THE LIST MYSELF.
- [BABY WHINES] - SHH.
YOU'D BETTER NOT BE TEASING MY SOPPING WET LOINS, CARMEN FERRARA.
APRIL, JUST TRUST ME. SHOW UP TONIGHT.
- [BABY WAILS] - [CARMEN GROANS]
HILARYSWANK, ENOUGH. BE STILL. OKAY, MOMMY'S GONNA ROCK YOU.
[DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC CRESCENDOS]
I THINK IT'S DEAD.
- COME ON IN. - HAVE FUN.
THIS IS A PRIVATE PARTY. GO AWAY, SPAZZAHOLIC.
'FRAID NOT. BIG BROTHER'S HERE,
AND YOUR EVENING HAS COME TO AN END.
SEND HOME YOUR COMPATRIOTS AND MARCH UPSTAIRS TO YOUR ROOM IMMEDIATELY.
- WHY'S HE HERE? - SEE, I WAS INVITED.
I DON'T SEE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN, PIZZA FACE.
TRY AND STOP ME, BABE. [SCOFFS]
YOU LITTLE COPYCATS!
THE PG-13 SET
NEEDS TO CLEAR OUT, 'CAUSE IT'S NC-17 TIME.
SORRY TO SPRING THIS, BUT TAKE NOTE:
"SURPRISE IS AN EFFECTIVE WEAPON." SUN TZU.
"KNOW YOUR ENEMY BETTER THAN SHE KNOWS HERSELF." SUN TZU.
WE SAW AN OPPORTUNITY HERE, AND WE SEIZED IT.
WE REALIZED THE ONLY THING COOLER THAN EXCLUSIVITY
WAS HIGH SCHOOL BOYS.
SOMETHING YOU HAVE NOW FORGOTTEN,
ALONG WITH AN INCRIMINATING SUPPLY OF ALCOHOL.
SO DO AS YOU'RE TOLD, OR WE'LL CALL THE COPS ON OURSELVES.
CORRUPTING MINORS?
I BELIEVE THAT'S A GLAMAZON RULES VIOLATION.
NOW GET IN THE KITCHEN AND START MOVING THE CHICKEN.
- GREAT. - OW.
- [PHONE RINGS] - [GLASS BREAKS]
- HELLO? - I HAVE YOUR BABY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
COME TO THE BACKYARD OF THE DICK HOUSE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE LATE. - HONEY?
I HAVE YOUR BABY, AND GRADES ARE ALL YOU CARE ABOUT.
WHO IS THIS? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
- ONE HOUR. - JOSH?
- [DIAL TONE] - YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M FINE, DADDY. IT'S JUST SOME STUPID CRANK CALL.
WELL, HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.
[LAUGHS]
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU, I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP THIS ONE.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
DADDY, THAT DAY WAS MISERABLE FOR BOTH OF US.
TELL ME ABOUT IT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EMBARRASSING IT IS
FOR A MAN TO EXPLAIN WHAT MENSTRUATION MEANS
[MUFFLED] TO HIS OWN DAUGHTER.
[LAUGHS] IT GIVES ME CHILLS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
- AND THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO REMEMBER? - YES.
BECAUSE AFTER I HELPED YOU OUT,
I STAYED AND I WATCHED YOU PRACTICE YOUR CHEERS.
AND WHILE YOU WERE LAUGHING AND SMILING WITH YOUR FRIENDS,
I... I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE...
BECAUSE OF ME, YOU FELT BETTER.
I DID.
AND I ALSO REALIZED, AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT,
THAT YOU AND I WERE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT--
THAT WE WERE GONNA BE A FAMILY.
WE ARE A FAMILY.
DADDY, PLEASE BELIEVE ME. I AM NOT DOING THIS TO HURT YOU.
OH, I KNOW, HONEY.
I LOVE YOU, BROOKE, AND IF THIS IS WHAT'S GONNA MAKE YOU HAPPY,
THEN I'M JUST GONNA LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT.
BYE.
[SOBBING]
ALL PACKED UP.
I KNOW YOU'RE SAD, HONEY.
BUT I PROMISE YOU, YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY ADORE THE BAY AREA.
AND REMEMBER, EVERY TIME A WINDOW CLOSES, A DOOR OPENS.
I KNOW.
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE LEFT THINGS SUCH A MESS.
I HAVE THIS EMPTY FEELING IN MY STOMACH.
MOM, THERE'S THIS PARTY TONIGHT, AND MAYBE IF I STOP BY...
BROOKE, YOU'LL ONLY MAKE YOURSELF FEEL WORSE.
PLEASE, MOM.
I KNOW IT'LL BE EASIER FOR ME TO START OVER IF I GET SOME CLOSURE.
OKAY.
WHERE IS THIS PARTY?
IT'S TUNA.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
- HEY. - HEY.
I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU, CARM.
YOU REALLY DID DO SOME GOOD.
OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH.
SORRY.
NO, I'M... THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE SORRY.
I...
I ALSO DID SOME BAD.
- [BABY CRIES] - OH, MY GOD.
IS HILARYSWANK GONNA BE OKAY?
UH, JUDGING BY THE SEVERED VERTEBRAE,
MOTOR CONTROL IS A THING OF THE PAST.
I'M REALLY SORRY, LIL. I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT, SPEARHEADING A MOVEMENT FOR SOCIAL CHANGE IS TOUGH.
BUT NO TOUGHER THAN TAKING CARE OF A BABY.
THANKS. IT MEANS A LOT.
[BABY CRIES]
JUICE.
[SLURPING]
NIC, ON THE ONE HAND I'M QUITE PROUD
OF THE EXTRAORDINARY ACHIEVEMENTS OF OUR PROTÉGÉS.
YET, ON THE OTHER, I WISH THEM TO BE THE VICTIMS
OF A DISFIGURING AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT.
HEY. WHY SO GLUM?
I DON'T KNOW.
GUESS I'M GONNA MISS BROOKE.
- ME, TOO. - [BABY CRIES]
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP.
OH, LOVE WILL SURELY CURE WHAT AILS YOU.
ALONG WITH THE BACK OF MY HAND.
WELL, MY, MY. LOOK.
I KNEW THAT UNSTABLE BRIT COULDN'T RESIST.
MARY CHERRY, WE DID IT. WE'VE GOT OUR DELOREAN MOMENT.
[LAUGHING]
OOH... OOH.
NOTHING A LITTLE ICE AND A SHIATSU MASSAGE WON'T FIX.
SAVE THE CREATIVITY FOR YOUR RÉSUMÉ.
- KNOCK, KNOCK. - WHO'S THERE?
NANNY CAM.
[LAUGHING]
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE THERE?
COME NOW. DO YOU TRULY BELIEVE YOUR TEACHER WILL ALLOW MY ACTIONS
TO EXCUSE YOUR WOEFUL LACK OF JUDGMENT?
PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY ISN'T SOMETHING THAT CAN BE EASILY PASSED ALONG LIKE...
CRABS.
THE ONLY SURE RESULT IS EVERLASTING EMOTIONAL AGONY.
YOU SEE, I KNOW THIS FIRSTHAND BECAUSE I AM A CHILD OF ABUSE,
STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE UNFORGIVABLE NEGLECT.
YEAH, SORRY. I MUST'VE MISSED OPRAH'S ENTRANCE.
MAKE LIGHT ALL YOU WANT.
KNOW THIS.
BAD PARENTING STAYS WITH YOU.
SOMETIMES IN THE FORM OF CYCLICAL ABUSE.
SOMETIMES, IN MY CASE, IN THE FORM OF CLINICAL INSANITY.
BUT HARBOR NO ILLUSIONS.
YOUR MISTAKES WILL CATCH UP WITH YOU...
- [GASPS] - EVENTUALLY.
GOOD DAY, MUMS.
WELL, THIS IS RIDICULOUS, OKAY? 'CAUSE THEY'RE JUST DOLLS.
AND YET, I'M TOUCHED BY HER EXPLANATION.
WHAT IF SHE'S RIGHT, NIC?
IF SHE'S RIGHT, THESE DOLLS ARE THE LEAST OF OUR WORRIES.
DON'T FORGET, EM & EM ARE GOING TO KENNEDY NEXT YEAR.
AND AFTER THIS HUMILIATION, WE'LL BE FORCED TO WALK THE HALLS IN SHAME,
REDUCED TO TUNA-ESQUE STATUS.
OUR COURSE IS CLEAR.
WE HAVE TO GO OUT THERE AND DISCIPLINE OUR YOUNG APPRENTICES.
THIS CYCLE OF ABUSE ENDS NOW.
JOSH?
[BABY CRYING]
HEY, HEY. HEY, HEY. IT'S OKAY.
[CRYING CONTINUES]
HEY, DON'T CRY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE BY YOURSELF?
DON'T WORRY. I'M HERE. I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
- YOU'RE SWEET. - I FOUND IT IN THE HALLWAY.
I WAS GOING TO GIVE IT BACK.
THEN I FIGURED I'D NEED
EVERY WEAPON AT MY DISPOSAL TO KEEP YOU AROUND.
I THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT IT WAS JOSH.
'CAUSE ONLY SOMEONE WHO CARED DEEPLY FOR YOU WOULD GO TO SUCH LENGTHS?
WELL, THERE IS ONE THING I CARE DEEPLY FOR,
AND THAT'S MY FAMILY.
AND, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,
YOU AND MIKE HAVE BECOME A PART OF IT.
BROOKE, DO ME A FAVOR.
JUST CONSIDER CAREFULLY WHAT YOU'RE LEAVING,
WHERE YOU'RE GOING, THE HISTORY YOU'RE REPEATING.
I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT BEING A PARENT,
BUT THERE IS ONE THING I'M CERTAIN OF.
A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER LEAVE A CHILD.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
- [RECORD SCRATCHES] - HEY, OLSEN TWINS.
PUT AWAY THE DISCO BALL. THE PARTY'S OVER. NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL.
DO AS YOU ARE TOLD, OR MOM AND PAPA DICK
ARE GOING TO BE THE RECIPIENTS OF ONE VERY CURFEW-CURBING PHONE CALL.
- YOU'VE NO IDEA HOW TO REACH THEM. - STONEHENGE EMBASSY SUITES.
SUITE 212.
"INFORMATION IS THE CURRENCY OF POWER."
[BOTH] JOAN CRAWFORD.
- YOU WOULDN'T DARE. - WE'LL JUST DIAL 911,
AND IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, POLICE RESPONSE IS NEARLY INSTANTANEOUS.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT OURSELVES A BITCHES STANDOFF.
[WOOD BREAKING]
ALL RIGHT, YOU SOULLESS HORRORS,
THIS PAGAN CELEBRATION MUST CEASE NOW!
GO AHEAD. CALL THE POLICE.
BECAUSE WE'RE JUST HERE RESPONDING TO OUR GOOD FRIEND EMORY'S PLEA FOR HELP.
THE WORDS OF TWO INNOCENT 14-YEAR-OLDS WITH SPOTLESS RECORDS
WILL DO QUITE WELL AGAINST YOU TWO AND YOUR SORDID PASTS.
NOT IF THERE'S A VIDEOTAPE.
WONDER WHAT THE CAMERA MAY HAVE WITNESSED?
COULD IT BE THE AFOREMENTIONED TWO INNOCENT 14-YEAR-OLDS
SHOTGUNNING BARTLES AND JAMES?
OKAY, EVERYONE, IT'S TIME TO GO HOME.
IT'S PAST EMILY AND EMMA'S BEDTIME.
WELL, IT WOULD APPEAR THAT YOU TWO HAVE A LOT TO THINK ABOUT...
WHILE YOU CLEAN!
GET CRACKING!
NOW WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHERE THE HELL MY DOLL IS SO I CAN GO?
OH, Y'ALL. SUGAR DADDY HAS REATTACHED OUR BABIES' HEADS
WITH THE SKILL OF A BEVERLY HILLS PLASTIC SURGEON.
[MARY] LEAVE 'EM NAPPIN'.
[SNORES]
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
DID EVERYTHING GO AS YOU HOPED?
NOT REALLY.
I'M SORRY, HONEY.
SOMETIMES IT'S JUST BEST TO CUT TIES QUICKLY.
I CAN'T GO WITH YOU.
IS THIS ABOUT JOSH?
BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T LET A BOY STAND IN YOUR WAY.
OR A CHILD?
YOU LEFT WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST,
WHEN...
WHEN CHARLIE SHEINBERG
DUMPED ME.
AND I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER LIKE ANOTHER BOY.
OR WHEN I CRIED UNCONTROLLABLY AT MY FIRST JV PEP RALLY
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT MY PERIOD WAS.
YOU DON'T GET TO SKIP TO THE GOOD PART WHEN YOU WEREN'T AROUND FOR THE BAD.
BROOKE, THAT'S UNFAIR.
I AM DOING MY BEST.
I JUST NEED TIME TO CATCH UP ON THINGS.
I KNOW.
I-I-I GUESS... I'M SAYING
THAT I DON'T...
NEED ANOTHER PARENT.
I ALREADY HAVE ONE, AND HE'S DOING A GREAT JOB.
SO THAT'S IT?
ALL THAT TALK ABOUT BEING SO HAPPY TO MEET AGAIN,
ALL THAT JOY IN YOUR FACE...
THAT MEANS NOTHING ANYMORE?
I LOVE YOU.
AND I AM SO GLAD THAT I GOT TO KNOW YOU.
AND I KNOW THAT WE ARE GOING TO BE IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES NOW.
BUT YOU SEE, I SPENT...
YEARS...
AND THIS ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY JUST WONDERING,
GOD, WHAT ARE YOU LIKE,
AND HOPING THAT YOU WOULD JUST SHOW UP.
AND YOU DID.
AND I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THAT.
BUT NOW I CAN STOP.
NOW...
IT'S MY TURN TO LEAVE.
[BROOKE] IT'S TRUE, YOU KNOW.
YOU ARE THE GREATEST.
I'M SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG FOR ME TO REALIZE IT.
YOU'RE HOME.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
♪ TO BEND AND NOT TO BREAK
♪ CHIN UP, TRY NOT TO QUAKE
♪ I'M GRINNING ON THE OUTSIDE
♪ BUT I'M A WRECK INTERNALLY
♪ OOH LA LA LA LA
♪ OOH LA LA LA LA ♪