[KNOCKING]
COMING. COMING, COMING, COMING. HANG ON, HANG ON, I'M COMING.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
- HANG ON, HANG ON, HANG ON. - HI. ARE YOU BUSY?
- NO. - I'M NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING, AM I?
NO, I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE WEIRD CROATIAN GUY WITH THE SCOOPER.
WHO?
HE FILLS THE ICE MACHINE
AND HE ALWAYS COMES BY WITH A BURNING QUESTION WHENEVER I'M IN A TOWEL.
- ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE? - NO. YES.
MY HOUSE IS A WAR ZONE, SO CAN I SPEND THE NIGHT HERE TONIGHT?
YEAH, I GUESS.
IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S A LOT OF EXTRA SPACE.
THAT'S OKAY. I DON'T NEED... I COULD SLEEP IN THE TUB
OR THE MINIBAR OR WHATEVER.
- WHAT'S GOING ON AT YOUR PLACE? - NOTHING.
MY PARENTS ARE FIGHTING AGAIN. CAN I GET REST OF MY STUFF?
THERE'S MORE?
- OH, CARM. - I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE A LOT.
THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T FOLD.
EVERYTHING IN THAT BAG IS YOUR STUFF I BORROWED SINCE 4TH GRADE.
I THOUGHT THAT NOW WOULD BE A VERY GOOD TIME TO RETURN IT.
THERE'S NO RUSH.
IS THAT JACKET YOU'RE WEARING MINE, TOO?
WHOAH.
HELLO. I THOUGHT I PUT THAT IN THAT BAG.
YOU SEE WHAT LIVING WITH LUNATICS WILL DO TO YOU?
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HAVE THIS.
I SPENT THE ENTIRE SUMMER OF 5TH AND 6TH GRADE LOOKING FOR THIS THING.
I EVEN POSTED A REWARD AT THE YWCA.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOTHING.
I JUST GOT COLD.
SO, I CAN HOLD ON TO THIS JACKET FOR A COUPLE MORE DAYS?
YEAH, SURE.
YOUR MOM'S GONNA BE OKAY WITH THIS, RIGHT?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
HOW DO WE KNOW THIS ISN'T AN UNDIGESTED LIMA BEAN
THAT WANDERED INTO MY UTERUS?
THAT HAPPENS.
THERE WAS A WOMAN WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH TWINS.
TURNED OUT THAT IT WAS A PEPTIC ULCER. DO YOU HAVE CHANGE FOR THE METER?
I CAN'T AFFORD MORE PARKING TICKETS. AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE A BABY.
I MEAN, I'VE DONE THAT ALREADY. I AM DESIGNING A RETIREMENT PLAN...
THERE YOU GO.
[HEART BEATING]
HOW COME MY LIMA BEAN HAS A HEART BEAT?
♪ THINK IT OVER ONCE OR TWICE
♪ WHAT LASTS THE LONGEST IN THIS LIFE
♪ CHARACTER OR ROCK-HARD THIGHS
♪ IN THE END DO YOU BELIEVE
♪ THAT BEAUTY LIES IN WHAT YOU SEE
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DO THEN BABY
♪ YOU'VE BEEN DECEIVED
♪ WELL ME AND B
♪ WE HATE SUPERMODELS
♪ IT'S JUST THAT I'M TIRED OF BEING COMPARED ♪
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE BREAKFAST FOR ME.
YEAH, DAD, I WANT TO.
I'M HERE NOW AND I WANT TO GET BACK TO OUR ROUTINE.
- LOOKS GOOD. - I CAN'T LET YOU EAT THIS.
- I LIKE MY EGGS CRISPY. - IT'S FRENCH TOAST.
YOU KNOW, LET'S JUST FORGET IT.
- CAN WE CALL JANE, SEE IF SHE DELIVERS? - NO. COFFEE'S GOOD.
DAD, IT'S TEA. HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO HER?
- WHO? - JANE.
- BROOKE, I TOLD YOU... - DAD, I'M CALLING HER IF YOU DON'T.
NO YOU'RE NOT. NOW WE'VE AGREED
WE'RE GONNA TAKE TWO MONTHS OFF SO WE CAN FIGURE THINGS OUT.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND?
THERE WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING, THAT'S IT.
COME ON, YOU CAN SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE, CAN'T YOU?
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - I'M GONNA MAKE SOME CRISPY EGGS.
DAD, YOU MISS HER.
I MISS HER.
- YES, SANTA MONICA, PLEASE. - BROOKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WOULD LIKE A LISTING FOR A MOTEL. THE NO ROOM AT THE INN.
BROOKE, NEED I REMIND YOU THAT WHEN YOUR MOTHER WAS HERE
YOU FORGOT JANE EVEN EXISTED.
YOU ALMOST LEFT WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE.
AND NOW THAT YOUR MOTHER IS GONE, YOU'RE READY TO PICK UP WHERE YOU LEFT OFF.
- I'M LATE. - IT'S ONLY 7:30.
WELL, I'M TAKING THIS PREP SEMINAR FOR THE SAT.
I HOPE THERE ARE NO QUESTIONS ABOUT FAMILY.
CLEARLY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY WORK.
I'M NOT MAKING YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DADDY, IT SURE FEELS THAT WAY.
EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND, SOMEONE IN THIS FAMILY IS UPSET,
OR THEY'RE ANGRY OR THEY'RE FEELING BETRAYED.
WELL, I'M FEELING TOTALLY LOST.
MAYBE YOU COULD DRAW ME A MAP.
[MUSIC ON TV]
ARE YOU DONE IN THE BATHROOM?
UH-HUH. BUT, YOU MAY WANT TO ASK CARMEN IF SHE IS.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I NEED AN ESTIMATED TIME OF DEPARTURE.
MOM, BE COOL, OKAY. SHE'S OBVIOUSLY UPSET.
[LAUGHS]
CARMEN, ARE YOU PLANNING ON GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY?
[CRUNCHES AND MUMBLES]
THIS IS THE PART WHERE HER FAKE EYELASH FALLS IN HIS DRINK.
CARMEN, ARE YOU SURE THAT YOUR MOM'S OKAY WITH YOU STAYING HERE?
OH, TOTALLY. WHOA. THERE IT GOES.
[LAUGHS HEARTILY]
WELL, I'VE GOT A SEMINAR, I GOTTA GO.
CARM, YOU'RE GONNA MEET ME THERE, RIGHT?
BYE.
- SO, WHAT ARE WE WATCHING? - YOURS, MINE AND OURS.
LUCILLE BALL PLAYS A WIDOW WHO'S GOT LIKE EIGHT KIDS.
SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HENRY FONDA, AND HE'S GOT TEN KIDS.
- THEY HAVE EIGHTEEN CHILDREN? - I KNOW.
AND THEN LUCY GETS PREGNANT WITH NUMBER 19.
SHE DOESN'T TELL HENRY UNTIL SHE'S READY TO POP IT OUT.
REALLY?
AND THIS WORKS FOR HER?
MM.
[HUMMING]
NICE TO SEE YOU CAN STILL AMUSE YOURSELF, ROBERTA.
UNCLE TIPTON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE LIVING IN AUSTRALIA.
I AM.
- BUT I'M ON MY WAY TO MONTANA. - WHAT'S IN MONTANA?
BIG SKIES, BUNNY. WIDE OPEN FIELDS.
PLUMP, FLUFFY CLOUDS, SOFTER THAN A BABY'S BUM.
NOT TO MENTION THE WORLD'S LARGEST LUNCHMEAT CONVENTION.
- SO YOU'RE ATTENDING... - I'M THE GUEST SPEAKER.
THE WORLD HAS FINALLY EMBRACED THE VIRTUES OF OSTRICH BALONEY.
- THIS YOUR CLASSROOM? - YES, IT IS.
I AM TEACHING CHEMISTRY NOW.
HOW'S THE FAMILY? THE MISTER, THE KIDS? HOW MANY YA GOT NOW?
WELL, JUST THE ONE.
YOU OUGHT TO DOUBLE YOUR ODDS.
WELL, WE'RE DEFINITELY CONSIDERING IT.
WITH... WELL... LIFE HAS JUST BEEN SO...
BUSY, HECTIC, WITH THE SOCCER CARPOOLS AND THE TUNA CASSEROLES.
LISTEN TO YOU, LAWRENCE OF SUBURBIA.
BRAVO, BOBBI!
IF ANYONE IN OUR PATHETIC FAMILY IS GONNA PRODUCE THE NEXT GENERATION,
I'M GLAD IT'S YOU.
BY THE WAY, I PICKED A LITTLE SOMETHING UP FOR YOU IN CAPE TOWN.
WAS DOWN THERE VISITING ONE OF MY FARMS.
CANARY DIAMOND TIEPIN.
VERY RARE INDEED.
UNCLE TIPTON, THIS IS TOO MUCH.
OF COURSE IT IS. BUT FORTUNE NEEDS TO STAY WITHIN A FAMILY.
SO, WHEN CAN I MEET YOURS?
UNFORTUNATELY, THE SAT DOESN'T CONSIDER BAYWATCH A LITERARY REFERENCE.
YO, THAT'S WHACK, MAN.
DON'T FRET, MR. DADDY,
TESTING IS A SKILL THAT YOU AND EVERYONE IN HERE CAN MASTER.
IT'S ALL ABOUT PROBABILITY. YEAH?
IS IT TRUE THAT SOME COLLEGES, LIKE YALE, FOR EXAMPLE,
ARE FOCUSING LESS ON SCORES AND MORE ON GPA?
HOPE NOT, OR I'M OUT OF A JOB.
HERE ARE SOME STUDY GUIDES YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AT.
BROOKE, I THOUGHT YOUR DREAM WAS STANFORD?
IT WAS. UNTIL I REALIZED ANYTHING IN CALIFORNIA
IS WAY TOO CLOSE TO MY FAMILY.
- HAD ENOUGH DRAMA. - WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU JUST UNPACKED.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW?
HEY. WHERE'S CARMEN?
SHE'S IN MY MOTEL ROOM WATCHING LUCY. SOMETHING UGLY'S GOING ON AT HER HOUSE.
- IS SHE OKAY? - I DON'T KNOW.
WHEN I LEFT SHE WAS ROLLED UP IN A BEDSPREAD, CHAIN-EATING PRINGLES.
VICE PRINCIPAL CALVIN KRUPPS.
MAY I ASK YOU AN ITTY-BITTY FAVOR?
SURE, BOBBI. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
- MARRY ME. - EXCUSE ME.
I NEED A HUSBAND. JUST TILL TOMORROW.
YOU'VE BEEN WARNED ABOUT INHALING CHEMICALS.
WAIT! LISTEN UP, STUD. MY RICHER-THAN-SIN UNCLE'S IN TOWN.
HE THINKS I'M SUSIE HOMEMAKER. HE WANTS TO MEET MY HUSBAND AND MY KID. TONIGHT.
IF HE DOESN'T, I WILL DISAPPEAR FROM HIS WILL FASTER THAN A STEVEN SEGAL MOVIE.
WAIT. YOU'VE DECEIVED A RELATIVE INTO BELIEVING YOU'RE SOMEBODY YOU'RE NOT?
SKIP THE CLIFF NOTES. ARE YOU IN OR OUT?
OUT.
BE HONEST WITH UNCLE TIPPY.
IF YOU PERPETUATE A LIE, BOBBI,
HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF?
[MAN] TWO MONTHS INTO EARLY RETIREMENT, HERE'S BOBBI GLASS.
PUTTING TO WIN THE DINAH SHORE MINIATURE GOLF CLASSIC.
[CROWD CHEERS]
[MAN] LOOK AT HER GO. HOW DOES SHE LIVE WITH HERSELF?
VERY COMFORTABLY.
[BELL RINGS]
I LOVE YOUR JACKET. WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
THIS? PARIS.
- HAVE YOU BEEN? - NO.
OH, WELL, NOT YET.
MAYBE YOU COULD RECOMMEND SOME COLLEGES THERE. NOT THAT I'D GET IN.
YOU KNOW, I CAN PROVIDE THE LEGAL CHEAT SHEET.
WHAT I CAN'T GIVE YOU IS CONFIDENCE.
- IT'S BROOKE, RIGHT? - YEAH.
LET ME GUESS. YOU'RE HOLDING DOWN A 3.7 AVERAGE,
JUGGLING TOO MANY EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES,
A DAD WHO WORSHIPS YOU A LITTLE TOO MUCH,
A MOM YOU CAN'T COMPLETELY TRUST
AND FRIENDS WHO WOULD SECRETLY LOVE IT IF YOU HAD TO GO TO BEAUTY COLLEGE.
WHERE DID YOU GET ALL OF THAT FROM?
THAT WAS MY RESUME, CIRCA 1991.
WOW.
- WERE YOU A CHEERLEADER? - THREE YEARS. IT WAS GOOD TRAINING.
YOU HAVE TO CLIMB ON A LOT OF BACKS TO GET THROUGH LAW SCHOOL.
YOU WENT TO LAW SCHOOL, TOO?
GRADUATED NINTH IN MY CLASS,
CLERKED FOR TWO YEARS, HATED THE PEOPLE,
AND DECIDED THAT I VALUED FLEXIBILITY MORE THAN ARMANI SUITS.
AT LEAST WITH THIS JOB,
I FEEL LIKE I AM ACTUALLY AFFECTING PEOPLE'S LIVES.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
OH...
I DON'T KNOW...
I JUST WANT TO BE OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL. YOU KNOW, LIVING ON MY OWN.
MY FAMILY SITUATION'S KIND OF SCREWED UP.
WHO'S ISN'T? BUT THAT CAN HELP.
ONCE I REALIZED THAT HOME IS WHERE THE HEARTBREAK IS,
I MADE SOME MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS.
REALLY?
SO HOW DO I GET TO BE YOU?
WELL, SOUNDS LIKE I DIDN'T MISS A THING.
DO YOU PLAN ON TAKING THE SATS?
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, YOU MIGHT, I DON'T KNOW, MISS COLLEGE?
I HAD OTHER THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF, LILY.
LIKE GIVING AWAY YOUR BLOOD?
- WHAT IS THIS? - I'M NOT GIVING IT AWAY.
- I WAS NICELY COMPENSATED. - LIKE WHAT? TWO CHIPS AHOY?
CARMEN, WHY ARE YOU SELLING YOUR BLOOD?
I NEED EXTRA CASH. EVERY APARTMENT I CALLED WANTS A SECURITY DEPOSIT.
HOLD UP. YOU'RE LOOKING AT APARTMENTS NOW?
CARMEN, WHAT'S GOING ON AT YOUR HOUSE?
NOTHING? LOOK, MY FATHER GOES BALLISTIC
EVERY TIME MY MOM BUYS THE WRONG KIND OF SOAP.
I JUST NEED MY OWN SPACE.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT A SCRUMPTIOUS ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SURF-AND-TURF FEAST?
- WHAT? - YOU FREE TONIGHT?
[STAMMERS]
I DON'T THINK SO.
HEAR ME OUT, SOLDIER.
I GOT A RELATIVE IN TOWN, HE SELLS INSURANCE,
TURNS OUT I CAN'T QUALIFY FOR HEFTY BENEFITS IF I'M NOT WITH CHILD.
DO YOU WANT TO BE MY BABY?
YEAH... I'M, I'M GONNA HAVE TO PASS.
NICE ACCESSORY, SIR. HAVE WE RECENTLY COME INTO SOME MONEY?
OUTTA MY WAY, BISCUIT BREATH.
DOES IT HAVE TO BE A SON OR CAN YOU IMPRESS THE OLD COOT WITH A DAUGHTER?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - DO YOU THINK SOMEBODY COULD PULL UP
TO THIS SCHOOL IN A LIMO AND I'M NOT GONNA INVESTIGATE?
I BROUGHT UP TIPPY'S NETWORK ON THE WEB. WOW.
LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE MINX, STAY OUT OF MY FAMILY AFFAIRS.
MISS GLASS, FOR A MERE $10,000, I CAN BE YOUR FAMILY.
YOU?
I'D RATHER EAT A URINAL CAKE.
GOES DOWN EASY WHEN YOU'RE DRINKING DOM PERIGNON.
NICE TRY, SISTER, BUT I AIN'T BUYING.
WHAT, EXACTLY, ARE YOUR OPTIONS?
EVERYBODY FEELS TRAPPED IN HIGH SCHOOL.
HIGH SCHOOL IS PRISON.
AND HIGH-SCHOOL BOYS HOLD ALL THE KEYS.
I SAY, SET YOUR QUARTERBACK ASIDE
AND AIM FOR SOMEONE WHO IS, AT LEAST, 19.
I'VE NEVER DATED A COLLEGE GUY.
- WELL, WHAT'S STOPPING YOU? - I DON'T KNOW. THE LAW?
- [SCOFFS] - [BROOKE LAUGHS]
- GOD, THIS IS SO COOL. - WHAT?
NOT BEING IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA.
HAVING LUNCH WITH A REAL PERSON
WITH NAPKINS AND LEATHER MENUS.
A TABLE YOU CAN TOUCH WITHOUT A TETANUS SHOT.
- OH, EXCUSE ME. - YEAH?
COULD I HAVE ANOTHER BLOODY MARY?
- BROOKE, YOU WANT MORE COFFEE? - I'VE NEVER BEEN MUCH OF A COFFEE DRINKER.
- I NEVER LIKED THE TASTE. - HAVE YOU TRIED IRISH COFFEE?
OH, YOU NEED TO TRY IRISH COFFEE.
WOULD YOU BRING HER AN IRISH COFFEE?
- CERTAINLY. - THANKS.
WHERE WERE WE BEFORE THE TETANUS SHOT?
- BOYFRIENDS. - UGH. TOO DEPRESSING. WHAT'S NEXT?
ARE YOU CLOSE WITH YOUR MOTHER?
YEOW.
WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
I'M JUST CURIOUS. YOU SEEM SO SURE OF YOURSELF.
I WONDERED IF IT'S FROM BEING CLOSE WITH YOUR MOTHER.
YOU HAVEN'T MET MY MOTHER.
DING, DING, DING, DING, DING, DING.
FREAK.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU AND YOUR MOM BEST FRIENDS?
NOT REALLY. SHE LEFT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
AND SHE CAME BACK FOR MY DAD'S WEDDING.
REALLY LONG STORY, LOUSY ENDING.
- I'M SORRY. - HEY, I'M OVER IT.
REALLY.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I'M REALLY, REALLY CLOSE WITH JANE,
MY DAD'S GIRLFRIEND.
WAS.
THAT'S TOO COMPLICATED, TOO.
LADIES, IRISH COFFEE,
AND A BLOODY MARY.
- THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU REALLY MISS HAVING A MOM?
IT'S THAT OBVIOUS?
MOST THINGS ARE OBVIOUS WHEN PEOPLE STOP TALKING.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY YOUR COFFEE?
ISN'T IRISH COFFEE A BEAUTIFUL THING?
SPEAKING OF BEAUTIFUL THINGS,
WHO ARE THESE HOTTIES WHO'VE BEEN STARING AT US SINCE WE WALKED IN HERE?
- WHERE? - AAH! MM, UH-UH.
WE HAVE TO TEACH YOU HOW TO HANDLE THESE THINGS LIKE AN ADULT. THERE. GIDGET.
MM-HM. SHE SHOOTS, SHE SCORES.
[JANE] JOY?
OH, HI JANE, HOW ARE YOU?
I SHOULD'VE CALLED BEFORE I CAME OVER BUT I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD SO...
NO. NO, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
I'M JUST RUNNING TO MY JAZZERCISE CLASS. HOW IS EVERYTHING?
OH, IT'S BEEN AN INTERESTING MONTH.
LET ME GUESS, CARMEN'S ANNOYING THE HELL OUT OF YOU AND YOU WANT HER OUT.
NO. NO, NO... IT'S JUST THAT...
WHEN I SAW THE AMOUNT OF THINGS SHE BROUGHT OVER...
IF SHE'S IN YOUR WAY, JANE, JUST TELL HER.
SHE HAS OTHER PLACES TO STAY.
NO, IT'S NOT...
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER HAVE HER HERE AT HOME?
SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD TO GIVE A KID SOME SPACE.
GIVES HER TIME TO ABSORB THINGS.
WELL, I WISH THAT WE HAD THE SPACE TO OFFER.
I DON'T KNOW IF CARMEN TOLD YOU, BUT MIKE...
WE SORT OF SEPARATED.
AND SAM AND I ARE SHARING A MOTEL ROOM...
OH, I CAN BEAT THAT. MY HUSBAND LEFT LAST NIGHT FOR GOOD.
IF I DON'T GET TO CLASS, MY TEACHER'S GOING TO HUMILIATE ME.
OKAY, RIGHT. AND I DON'T MEAN TO KEEP YOU, IT'S JUST THAT...
I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND. CARMEN NEVER MENTIONED IT.
WHY WOULD SHE? LITTLE GIRLS ALWAYS PROTECT THEIR DADDIES, DON'T THEY?
LISTEN, I HOPE YOU AND YOUR EX CAN WORK IT OUT.
CARMEN SAYS YOU'RE REALLY SWEET TOGETHER.
THEN AGAIN, WHAT DO KIDS KNOW?
WHEN IT COMES TO MARRIAGE,
THEY ALWAYS COMPLICATE THE EQUATION, DON'T THEY?
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU. I GOTTA RUN.
[LILY] HOW MUCH DID MISS GLASS OFFER YOU?
- A HUNDRED BUCKS. - AND YOU SAID NO?
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY. TO CARMEN, THAT'S LIKE THREE PINTS OF BLOOD.
OH, I GET IT. I'M SUPPOSED TO BECOME CLAW'S BOY TOY
SO CARMEN DOESN'T BECOME A HUMAN PIN CUSHION. FORGET IT.
CARMEN COULD USE THAT MONEY TO GET HER OWN MOTEL ROOM.
THEN, LET CARMEN BE HER LOVE CHILD. I'M NOT INTO IT, IT'S FREAKY.
HARRISON.
IS SHE REALLY THINKING ABOUT MOVING OUT?
YES. SHE CALLED A TEEN SHELTER AT LUNCH.
AND AN APARTMENT MANAGER IN ANAHEIM.
SHE OFFERED TO SKIM THEIR POOL IN EXCHANGE FOR TWO MONTHS' FREE RENT.
- IT'S GOT A POOL? - HARRISON.
BE SERIOUS, SHE'S DESPERATE.
[CASH REGISTER CHING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
MISS GLASS?
I... I'VE GIVEN YOUR PROPOSAL
SOME THOUGHT, SIR, AND I'VE DECIDED THAT I WOULD LOVE TO BE YOUR SON.
TOO LATE, PENCIL NECK, I'M ALREADY WITH CHILD.
YOU ARE? SINCE LUNCH? WHAT HAPPENED?
EXCUSE ME, I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF CONDUCTING A GEOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT.
SCRAM!
- HEY. - HI.
- IS THAT DINNER? - IT WAS.
I ATE MOST OF IT IN THE CAR.
I'LL ORDER ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU AND CARMEN.
WHERE IS SHE? DID SHE GO TO SCHOOL TODAY?
YEAH, YEAH.
SHE SPENT MOST OF TODAY ON A PAYPHONE SEARCHING FOR APARTMENTS.
SHE CAN'T LIVE ALONE IN AN APARTMENT. WHAT IS SHE THINKING?
SHE'S DETERMINED TO BE ON HER OWN AND NO ONE CAN TALK HER OUT OF IT.
DID SHE HAPPEN TO MENTION TO YOU THAT HER FATHER LEFT LAST NIGHT?
- WHAT? - YEAH. HER PARENTS SPLIT UP.
AND HER MOTHER IS ACTING LIKE SOMEONE LEFT A PEACH PIT UNDER THE COUCH.
- WAIT. CARMEN'S DAD IS GONE? - YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT FROM ME.
SHE REALLY NEEDS TO GO HOME, SAM.
HER MOTHER IS PUTTING ON THIS BREEZY ACT,
BUT, CLEARLY, SHE NEEDS HER.
- WAIT. DID SHE SAY THAT? - I'M A MOTHER.
I KNOW WHEN SOMEONE NEEDS THEIR KID.
LIKE NOW.
I'M PREGNANT.
- WHAT DID YOU SAY? - I'M EXPECTING A BABY.
NO, WAY. IS IT MIKE'S?
NO, THE LARGE CROATIAN GUY WHO FILLS THE ICE MACHINE.
OF COURSE IT'S MIKE'S. HOW COULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?
- DOES HE KNOW? - NO, AND YOU CAN'T TELL HIM.
HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?
BELIEVE ME I... IT'S AN ACCIDENT.
MOM, PEOPLE YOUR AGE DON'T HAVE ACCIDENTS.
SAM, I'M NOT 70.
- YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS BABY. - WE'RE NOT TAKING A VOTE.
OH, MOM, COME ON, BE REAL.
WE'RE NOT EXACTLY LIVING IN THE LAP OF LUXURY.
WHERE'S IT GONNA SLEEP? IN THAT PIZZA BOX?
- THIS ACCIDENT AFFECTS US BOTH. - YOU KNOW WHAT?
- CAN WE STOP USING THAT WORD? - WELL, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE, TOO.
THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS HAPPY ACCIDENTS, OKAY?
NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE FITS INTO A DAILY PLANNER.
I WASN'T PLANNED?
NOT IN THE FIRST YEAR, NO.
YOUR DAD AND I, WE WANTED A SECOND BEDROOM BUT SOMETIMES
THINGS HAPPEN AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE A BLESSING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME THIS.
I AM TOTALLY BAD TIMING.
SAM, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I JUST... I'M TAKING A WALK.
I CAN'T BREATHE IN HERE.
ALLERGIES? WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
BESIDES YOUR CHEAP COLOGNE?
YOU MAY WANNA SPRITZ, UNLESS YOUR UNCLE LIKES HIS BUNNY TO SMELL LIKE A GYM BAG.
- SCALLOPS. THEY MAKE MY ANKLES SWELL. - I GET THAT FROM PINEAPPLE.
- HOW MANY HOURS IN LABOR WITH ME? - WEEKS.
- YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? - DEPENDS.
IN JAGUARS, RACING GREEN. BUT IF HE'S OFFERING A BEAMER, TOMATO RED.
- PLAY INSTRUMENTS? - NOT WITHOUT A GUN TO MY HEAD. YOU?
ACCORDION, MARACAS, SPOONS.
WHAT POSITION DO YOU SLEEP IN?
- ROYAL, FETAL...? - CANNONBALL, NAKED.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH. ANY MORE PERSONAL INFORMATION ON YOU,
I'LL CAUTERIZE MY FRONTAL LOBES.
- SIT, WE'RE NOT DONE. - PLEASE.
- THAT HEMORRHOID STORY WILL HAUNT ME... - SIT DOWN! NOW!
IF WE'RE GONNA PULL THIS THING OFF, WE NEED TO GET TO THE IMPORTANT STUFF.
NOW, HOW DO YOU EAT YOUR CORN ON THE COB?
TYPEWRITER STYLE OR AROUND THE WORLD?
HOW DO YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?
WE'RE OLD FRIENDS, COLLEGE ROOMMATES.
WHERE'D YOU GO TO SCHOOL?
- KENNEDY. - COLLEGE.
I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF KENNEDY COLLEGE.
IT'S VERY SMALL. IT'S PRIVATE.
NAMED AFTER ETHEL. HOW 'BOUT YOU?
AMHERST.
- TOMMY HERE'S A YALEY. - OOH. LUCKY YOU.
YEAH, WELL, WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET BACK.
WHAT'S THE RUSH? FINISH YOUR DRINK.
I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE CANCEL OUR 3:30 AND YOU TWO GIRLS COME OVER TO MY PLACE?
HM?
DO YOU SWIM?
ONLY IF I HAVE SOMETHING TO FLOAT ON.
I'LL MAKE THE CALL, YOU GET THE CAR.
BONNIE, I REALLY THINK I SHOULD GET BACK TO ETHEL KENNEDY.
KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN, HON. ETHEL AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.
- WHY'D YOU TELL THEM I WAS IN COLLEGE? - WHY NOT?
YOU THINK THEY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE GLAMAZON BAKE SALE?
- I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HIS HOUSE. - CAN WE FINISH THIS IN THE CAN?
MY BLADDER IS PRESSING ON MY EAR DRUM.
OOH.
OH MY GOD.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO HELP YOUR FRIEND GET HOME.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES.
BONNIE?
- IS SHE DEAD? - NO.
BUT SOMEBODY WILL BE IF SHE DRIVES. COME ON, SWEETHEART.
YOUR MESSAGE FOR THE GENTLEMEN?
YEAH, JUST TELL THEM I HAD TO FINISH 11TH GRADE.
I FOUND OUT WHY CLAW DUMPED ME.
- SHE ADOPTED NICOLE. - WHAT?
I WALKED BY CHEMISTRY, SHE WAS TEACHING HER TO FLATTEN HER HAIR.
OF COURSE. WHY DO THE ROTTEN ALWAYS GET REWARDED?
DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU CAN BET THAT JUNIOR CLAW
AIN'T RAISING MONEY FOR CARMEN'S CAUSE.
- DON'T MENTION YOUR AUNT JESSI. - WHY?
TIPPY GETS A LITTLE MUSHY AFTER A COUPLE OF SIDECARS.
HE MIGHT SEND MY INHERITANCE TO THE POWAY WOMEN'S PRISON..
JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.
SAID HITLER TO MUSSOLINI.
WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.
BONNIE, YOU'RE HOME.
[GROANS, BURPS]
- MISS. - OH, OFFICER. HELLO.
- IS SOMETHING WRONG? - COULD I SEE YOUR REGISTRATION, PLEASE?
- IT'S NOT MY CAR. - YEAH, THAT WAS MY HUNCH, TOO.
OKAY. [RUSTLING PAPERS]
BONNIE... BONNIE... DO YOU HAVE YOUR REGISTRATION SOMEWHERE IN HERE?
OFFICER, MY...
MY TEACHER ISN'T FEELING VERY WELL AND
I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND THE REGISTRATION, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY HER CAR.
NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT.
WOULD YOU STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE, PLEASE?
WHY, WHAT'S WRONG?
WELL, TO START WITH, YOU'RE DRIVING A STOLEN CAR.
HEY. GOOD NEWS.
THE GUY FROM ANAHEIM CALLED BACK.
HE SAID IF I HOSED DOWN THE LOUNGE CHAIRS ONCE A WEEK,
HE'LL GIVE ME A WALK-IN CLOSET.
- WHOSE PIZZA? - YOURS.
MY MOM WENT TO PICK UP SOME SALADS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOUR PARENTS SPLIT UP?
- WHAT? - IT'S BAD ENOUGH OUR PARENTS
WITHHOLD INFORMATION, IT'D BE NICE IF WE COULD COUNT ON OUR FRIENDS TO BE HONEST.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, SAM? - CARM, STOP.
MY MOM TALKED TO YOUR MOM TODAY. I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
- STOP PLAYING GAMES AND TALK ABOUT IT. - WHY DID SHE GO TALK TO HER?
- CARM... - I DIDN'T ASK HER TO, SAM.
GOD, IT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS, OR YOURS.
CARM, IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN'T RELATE.
I MEAN, I'VE CHANGED ADDRESSES AND FAMILIES TWICE THIS PAST YEAR.
GREAT, GREAT, RUN AWAY. MOVE TO ORANGE COUNTY.
YOU HAVE PEOPLE DOWN THERE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU?
I WISH YOU WOULD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
LOOK, I KNOW YOUR PARENTS.
YOUR DAD HAS A BAD TEMPER BUT IT ALWAYS BLOWS OVER.
- MY FATHER'S NOT THE REASON I LEFT. - WHAT IS?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
IF THAT'S MY MOTHER, I'M NOT HERE.
HELLO?
BROOKE, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
WHAT?
BROOKE'S IN JAIL.
- WHAT? WHY? - WHY?
- SHE STOLE A CAR. - SHE STOLE A CAR?
YOU STOLE A CAR?
IT'S AFTER SUNSET, DEAR.
PLAN ON TAKING THOSE THINGS OFF SOON?
NOT UNTIL I HAVE TO.
OH, MY. THIS PLACE IS DARKER THAN A WALLABY'S RECTUM.
IS THAT YOU, ROBERTA?
INDEED IT IS, SIR.
AND THIS IS NICOLE.
NICOLE? THAT'S A FUNNY NAME FOR A BOY.
NICOLE'S A FEMALE, SIR.
[LAUGHS]
SINCE WHEN?
I DISTINCTLY RECALL A LETTER YOU WROTE ABOUT YOUR SON'S BOWLING TOURNAMENT.
[STUTTERING]
DID I?
THAT WOULD BE ME, UNCLE TIPPY.
I WAS JUST GOING THROUGH AN AWKWARD PHASE.
WELL, CAN'T SAY I'M DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED.
YOU'RE A FETCHING SPECIMEN.
SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU, BUNNY.
THAT WOULD BE THE LACK OF LIGHT, SIR.
- HAVE A ROLL. - NO THANKS.
- YOU NEED CARBS. - NOT IF I HAVE YOUR GENES.
OH.
QUICK ON THE UPTAKE, ISN'T SHE? I LOVE A GAL WITH PLUCK.
BY THE WAY, THAT TIEPIN LOOKS MIGHTY GORGEOUS ON YOU.
DOESN'T IT? I'D LOVE TO HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT MYSELF.
IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE RING, YOU KNOW, NOTHING TOO TASTEFUL.
[LOUD BURST OF LAUGHTER]
ACTUALLY, I DID BRING YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING, SAUCY GIRL.
THAT JUST HIT THE MARKET.
IT'S FLYING OFF THE SHELVES IN MELBOURNE.
- WHAT IS THAT? - OSTRICH SALAMI.
ANY MUSTARD ON THE TABLE?
I'LL PASS.
WELL, WHY CUT UP SOMETHING SO PERFECT, YOU KNOW?
I'D RATHER JUST RUB IT AND SEE IF IT GROWS.
[BOTH LAUGH]
THEY GROW UP SO FAST.
- HERE'S TO YOU, BUNNY. - ME?
SOMEONE FINALLY HAS PRODUCED A BLOOD RELATION THAT TICKLES MY FUNNY BONE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOUR ABSENT HUBBY. YOUR EFFORTS SHALL NOT GO ON UNREWARDED.
[CASH REGISTER CHINGS]
BOBBI, BOBBI...
HOW THE HELL DOES SOMEONE STEAL A CAR WITHOUT EVEN TRYING?
LOOK, I TOLD YOU, YOUR KEY FIT THIS CAR, TOO.
DO ME A FAVOR. KEEP THE WHINING DOWN TO A MINIMUM.
BROOKE. I CAN'T GET YOU OUT.
YOUR FRIEND HERE IS A MINOR,
WHO HAPPENS TO HAVE A CREDIT CARD WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME ON IT.
- YOU WANNA EXPLAIN? - TELL HER THAT JANE IS MY MOTHER.
- I SUGGEST YOU CALL YOUR PARENTS. - I CAN'T.
I DON'T WANT MY FATHER TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.
THEN CALL SOMEBODY ELSE IN YOUR FAMILY.
I DON'T HAVE ANYBODY ELSE.
I AM HER FAMILY, OFFICER. OUR PARENTS ARE...
WELL, THEY'RE SEPARATED NOW, BUT...
UGH, GOD, NOT THIS STORY AGAIN, PLEASE.
- THEY'RE ENGAGED... - THEY'LL GET BACK TOGETHER.
WELL, THEY HAVE TO BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH INCREDIBLY LONELY AND...
MY DAD IS, I CAN'T SPEAK FOR JANE.
OH, BUT I CAN, AND SHE'S A MESS.
SHE'S EATING WHOLE PIZZAS IN THE CAR.
THAT MAY BE BECAUSE SHE'S EATING FOR TWO NOW, BUT...
WHY IS JANE EATING FOR TWO?
- IS SHE PREGNANT? - I DIDN'T SAY THAT. DID I SAY THAT?
OH, MY GOD, SHE'S PREGNANT.
BLAH, BLAH. CAN WE GET TO THE PART WHERE I'M HOME ENJOYING A LEAN CUISINE.
I'M SORRY, LADIES. BUT I CAN'T RELEASE A MINOR TO ANYONE BUT AN ADULT.
AND CLEARLY, THERE AIN'T ONE HERE.
[LAUGHS]
SO, AFTER OUR SEAWEED WRAP,
WE FELL ASLEEP AND MISSED THE VOLCANO.
GOSH, THERE'S JUST SO MUCH OF HAWAII I NEVER GOT TO SEE.
I'LL SEE TO IT YOU GET BACK. I GOT A CHUM THAT RUNS A SNAPPY LITTLE RESORT.
CALL HIM NOW.
SORRY I'M LATE, MOMMA.
WHO IS THIS?
I'M YOUR NEPHEW, UNCLE TIPPY.
MY NAME IS LYLE.
HEY, SIS.
SO, YOU DO HAVE A SON?
ARE YOU THE ONE WHO BOWLED IN THE TOURNAMENT?
NO, NOT ME.
MAMA NEVER ALLOWED ME TO COMPETE IN TEAM SPORTS.
SHE PREFERRED I PLAY WITH DOLLS.
HAVE WE ORDERED YET? I'M STARVING.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY CHEWING ON THIS?
I DON'T EAT ANYTHING THAT ONCE HAD A HEAD.
WHAT'D YOU SAY? YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THOSE NAMBY-PAMBY VEGETARIANS?
- IS THAT A PROBLEM, SIR? - IT MOST CERTAINLY IS.
THE MEN IN OUR FAMILY ARE STRICTLY MEAT AND POTATOES.
MAMA SAID I DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE
WHETHER I WANT TO BE A MAN OR NOT, UNTIL I TURN 18.
STILL DEBATING.
YOU TOLD HIM THAT?
MY SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THAT ONCE THE EMOTIONAL SCARS HEAL,
I'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION.
- BACK TO HAWAII... - WHAT EMOTIONAL SCARS?
- WELL, AFTER MAMA KILLED PEPE... - WHO'S PEPE?
OUR PARAKEET.
MAMA FED HIM THREE ALKA-SELTZER ONE NIGHT AND LEFT THE CAGE OPEN.
SHE WANTED TO SEE HIM EXPLODE IN MID-FLIGHT, AND HE DID!
COULD YOU MAKE THOSE HAWAII RESERVATIONS IN MY NAME?
DID YOU DESTROY THIS POOR BOY'S BIRD?
SHE'LL DENY IT.
BUT THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO MOVE INTO THE SHELTER.
- YOU'RE LIVING IN A SHELTER? - IT'S NOT SO BAD.
ONCE YOU TRAIN THE LICE, THEY MAKE REAL NICE PETS.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
OKAY, I CALLED MY MOM, SHE'S NOT BACK YET, BUT CARMEN TOOK THE MESSAGE.
- DID THEY PLAN THIS BABY? - IT'S AN ACCIDENT.
- WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE THAT WORD. - WHY NOT?
BECAUSE THEY'D RATHER WAIT UNTIL THE BABY'S 16,
SO THAT WHEN THEY SAY IT, IT HURTS.
WHEN IS JANE GONNA TELL MY DAD?
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
SO JUST TRY AND KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT THIS?
I DON'T KNOW.
ARE YOU?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM.
- MAYBE A LITTLE HAPPY. - WHY?
ISN'T IT JUST MORE FAMILY YOU'LL HAVE TO MOVE AWAY FROM?
MAYBE. MAYBE NOT.
HOW DO YOU THINK MIKE'S GONNA FEEL ABOUT THE ACCIDENT?
HE WON'T CONSIDER IT THAT. I KNOW MY DAD.
HE'LL SEE IT AS SOMETHING THAT CAME AT JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT.
OH, HEY, CARMEN...
- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU LIKE GREEK. - I'M NOT STAYING FOR DINNER.
- OH, YOU'RE GOING HOME? - NO, I STAYED TO TELL YOU
SAM AND BROOKE ARE DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION
BECAUSE BROOKE STOLE A CAR AND THEN SAM TOOK YOUR VISA, BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BROOKE STOLE A CAR?
I DON'T KNOW. APPARENTLY, IT LOOKED LIKE THE ONE SHE AND BONNIE DROVE TO THE BAR.
THE BAR?
WHO'S BONNIE? WHY IS BROOKE GOING TO BARS?
I DON'T KNOW. ALL I KNOW IS THAT THEY WON'T LET SAM POST BAIL
AND SHE WANTS YOU TO COME DOWN THERE
BUT BROOKE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO TELL MIKE.
- ARE YOU OKAY? - CARMEN, YOU NEED TO GO HOME.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LISTEN TO ME. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH
BUT I CANNOT BE A MOTHER TO ANYONE ELSE RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT? YOU NEED TO BE AT HOME. WITH YOUR MOTHER,
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL SHE'S GOT.
I CAN'T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF ANY RELATIVE STYLING HIS HAIR WITH A TOILET BRUSH.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS SHELTER?
OH, IT'S CALLED THE CARMEN FERRARA HOME FOR UNWANTED YOUTH.
BUT, YOU CAN MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO CARMEN FERRARA.
HOLD IT. IF WE'RE MAKING OUT CHECKS HERE, OLIVER TWISTED,
THE FIRST ONE'S MADE OUT TO ME.
- WHY? YOU GOT YOUR SALAMI. - CHILDREN, PLEASE.
- FAMILIES NEED TO STICK TOGETHER. - OH, FAMILY?
YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH IN YOUR ACCOUNT TO MAKE ME PRETEND I'M RELATED TO HER.
HIM, WHATEVER IT IS.
AND HOW MUCH IS MISS GLASS PAYING YOU TO SAY YOU'RE HER DAUGHTER?
WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO TRY THE LAMB?
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN. DEEP DOWN I SUSPECTED YOU WERE AS USELESS AS YOUR SIBLINGS,
BUT I WAS HOPING FOR A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?
I...
GUESS...
I GUESS I'M USELESS.
JUST ONE MORE SHRIVELED FRUIT ON THE FAMILY TREE.
YOU'RE WORSE, MUCH WORSE. NOT ONLY HAVE YOU WASTED YOUR LIFE...
EASY, CROCODILE DUNDEE. SHE MAY NOT BE YOUR IDEA OF SUCCESS.
YOU'RE NOT SUBHUMAN IF YOU DON'T SPEND YOUR WEEKENDS STEPPING ON LEGOS.
- MISS JULIAN, FREEZE. - NO, THANK YOU, I WON'T.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT PLANET YOU HAIL FROM,
DOWN HERE PEOPLE'S WORTH ISN'T MEASURED BY CHILD-BIRTHING HIPS.
BESIDES, IF YOU LIKE KIDS SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE YOUR OWN?
THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
AND WHAT CLAW DOES WITH HER LIFE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
- THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU, STRANGER. - I MAY BE A STRANGER TO YOU.
BUT SHE IS NO STRANGER TO ME.
I SEE MORE OF MISS GLASS THAN I DO MY OWN PARENTS.
HELL YES. NOW SHE MAY BE AS TEDIOUS AS A BAD PEDICURE,
BUT WITHOUT HER LECTURE ON STDS, I'D THINK SAFE SEX MEANT LOCKING THE DOOR.
THERE ARE OTHER KINDS OF FAMILIES, MR. GLASS.
MAYBE YOU'RE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME WITH OSTRICHES.
TOUCHÉ. TIME TO PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND, TIPPY.
NICE TO SEE YOU'VE KEPT BUSY CORRUPTING AMERICA'S YOUTH.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.
LILY, WOULD YOU PLEASE PASS MISS GLASS THE MINT JELLY?
THANK YOU.
OH, JANE. THANK GOD.
WE GOT A CALL FROM THE RESTAURANT. YOUR VEHICLE'S BEEN LOCATED.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT'S TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE I'M NEVER GETTING BACK.
WOULD YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN THE TWO HOURS THAT YOU SPENT IN A BAR WITH A TEENAGER?
- IS THIS YOUR MOTHER? - NO.
- YES. - YES.
- A TRICK QUESTION? - FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, YES.
RIGHT NOW, I AM HER MOTHER.
I'D LOVE TO STAY FOR LECTURE, BUT I HAVE MY OWN MOMMY FOR THAT.
- SEE YA. - YOU'RE NOT LEAVING JUST YET, TEACH.
WE'RE GONNA MOVE TO THAT LITTLE ROOM OVER THERE AND CALL YOUR SUPERVISOR.
[LAUGHS] YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
I HOPE NOT.
- DOES MY DAD KNOW? - I'M NOT GONNA TELL HIM.
- THANK YOU. - OKAY. COULD WE GET OUT OF HERE?
OH, WAIT, NO. I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING FIRST.
OH, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, YOU DIDN'T...
NO, NOT ABOUT THE CAR.
THE WAY I'VE TREATED YOU THE LAST FEW MONTHS.
JANE, IT WAS WRONG AND I'M REALLY SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.
YOU SAID IT, THANK YOU.
OH, YOU GUYS. YOU'RE DOING THIS IN A PRISON. IT'S, LIKE, SO HBO.
CAN I HUG YOU, TOO?
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
I REALIZE THAT SOME ACCIDENTS CAN BE HAPPY.
OH, RIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- OKAY, NOW I'M MOVING TO ORANGE COUNTY. - SORRY.
BROOKE, I DON'T WANT YOUR FATHER...
HEY, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OUR SECRET.
LOOK, YOU DON'T TELL MY DAD ABOUT MY PRISON RECORD,
AND I WON'T MENTION THE...
WHATEVER.
NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME, IS IT A BOY OR IS IT A GIRL?
'CAUSE I THINK IT FEELS LIKE A BROTHER.
NO, THAT WOULD BE PEPPERONI.
COME ON.
[RINGING]
- [JOY] HELLO? - HEY, MOM. IT'S ME.
WHERE ARE YOU?
[CARMEN] I'M AT SAM'S MOTEL STILL. ACTUALLY...
I WAS KIND OF THINKING
THAT I KNOW THAT I SAID YOU WOULD NEVER SEE ME AGAIN BUT I WAS REALLY UPSET.
I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO APOLOGIZE. I DON'T WANT AN APOLOGY.
I'M SURE YOU HIT ME BECAUSE I WAS IN THE WRONG PLACE
AT THE WRONG TIME OR WHATEVER, BUT...
I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO COME HOME.
DID YOU HEAR ME?
I HEARD YOU.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DON'T BOTHER.
[DIALING TONE]
♪ TO BEND AND NOT TO BREAK
♪ CHIN UP, TRY NOT TO QUAKE
♪ I'M GRINNING ON THE OUTSIDE
♪ BUT I'M A WRECK INTERNALLY
♪ OOH LA LA LA LA
♪ OOH LA LA LA LA ♪