HEY, I MADE THE BEDSIDE TABLE.
THAT'S BIG.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOOK YOU TWO MONTHS TO LET ME SEE YOUR ROOM.
THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING, GEORGE.
ANYWAY, IT TOOK ME THAT LONG TO CLEAN THE PLACE UP.
IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.
AND IT SMELLS NICE.
SO DO YOU.
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE WARM IN THIS?
UH...
YEAH. YES. I AM.
MY MOM TOOK MIKE AND BROOKE TO THE MOVIES.
- OKAY. - THEY WON'T BE HOME TILL LATE.
VERY, VERY, VERY LATE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, SAM?
I REPEAT,
THERE' A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
WOW.
WOW. UM...
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
UM...
OH, MY GOD. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER MADE THAT HUMUS.
OH, NO, IT'S NOT THAT. YOU TASTE GREAT.
IT'S JUST THAT, UM,
I CAN'T DO...
I CAN'T DO THIS.
I'M SORRY, SAM. I DIDN'T, UH...
I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT YOU WERE READY TO...
GO TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
- I GUESS I'M SORT OF... - FREAKED OUT?
- YEAH. - IT'S OKAY. ME TOO.
MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE IT SLOW.
YEAH. I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
I GUESS I JUST ASSUMED YOU'D BEEN HERE BEFORE.
ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?
NO. I'M...
SORT OF IN VIRGIN TERRITORY, TOO,
IF YOU'LL PARDON THE TERRIBLE PUN.
WOULD THIS BE A GOOD TIME FOR ME TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LIKE YOU?
MAYBE A LITTLE.
I REALLY DO, SAM.
YOU'RE INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL, AND YOU'RE FUNNY.
AND I LOVE YOUR TASTE IN ART.
WELL, I MAY BE A ROMANCE GEEK, BUT,
AT LEAST I HAVE AN HONEST BOYFRIEND.
DO YOU HAVE A ROUGH TIME FRAME FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO SHOW ME YOU REALLY LIKE ME?
♪ THINK IT OVER ONCE OR TWICE
♪ WHAT LASTS THE LONGEST IN THIS LIFE
♪ CHARACTER OR ROCK-HARD THIGHS
♪ IN THE END DO YOU BELIEVE
♪ THAT BEAUTY LIES IN WHAT YOU SEE
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DO THEN BABY
♪ YOU'VE BEEN DECEIVED
♪ WELL ME AND B
♪ WE HATE SUPERMODELS
♪ IT'S JUST THAT I'M TIRED OF BEING COMPARED ♪
♪ IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS
♪ IT CAN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS
♪ AND IF IT GETS BETTER THAN THIS
♪ I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
♪ I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
TODAY, WE HAVE THE PLEASURE OF WELCOMING HARRISON BACK FROM DEATH'S DOORSTEP.
HIS NOBLE FIGHT AGAINST LEUKEMIA
SHOULD BE AN INSPIRATION TO EVERY ONE OF US.
MOVING ON.
WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING ACTIVITIES CANNOT RESULT IN SYPHILIS?
A: VAGINAL SEX
B: ORAL SEX C: SHARING A JOYSTICK
[SAM] IS THAT A QUESTION, OR HER CHRISTMAS LIST?
GLAD YOU'RE AMUSED. TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT.
I KNOW MISS McPHERSON'S COUNTING ON YOU.
UH...
[ANNOUNCER] LET'S PLAY WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?
OKAY.
WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT YOU CAN GET IT FROM DIFFERENT KINDS OF SEX,
SO I'M GOING TO SAY "C".
IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?
- CHERRY, THROW HIM A LIFELINE. - THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "A".
- VAGINAL SEX. - [MISS GLASS] NO, IT'S "C."
THE PAINFUL TRUTH IS, YOUR GENERATION IS AN STD BOMB WAITING TO GO OFF.
EVERY YEAR I MAKE THIS PLEA, AND EVERY YEAR IT FALLS ON DEAF EARS,
OR WORSE, EARS THAT ARE TOO BUSY BEING PROBED BY SOFT, ADOLESCENT TONGUES
TO LISTEN TO REASON.
THAT'S WHY, IN HONOR OF NATIONAL SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE WEEK,
I'VE WRITTEN A PLAY.
"THAT BURNING SENSATION: A CAUTIONARY TALE".
- EW. - LEARN YOUR PARTS, PEOPLE.
WE OPEN FOR KINDERGARTENERS OF
THE CAROLINE KENNEDY SCHLOSSBERG GRADE SCHOOL ON FRIDAY.
GOTTA GET THEM WHILE THEY'RE YOUNG.
[SUGAR] I THOUGHT THIS WAS CHEM. WHAT IF WE DON'T WANT TO DO IT?
THEN YOU'RE FREE TO GO... TO "F TOWN," AND I DON'T MEAN "FUNKY".
KIDS, IF THIS PLAY LEADS ME TOWARDS
A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT TONY AWARD,
AND EVEN ONE OF YOU RANDY COUPLES TOWARDS ABSTINENCE,
I'LL BE TICKLED PINK AND PLEASED AS PUNCH.
NOW, TO THE ASSIGNING OF THE DISEASES.
AUSTIN, YOU'LL BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF CHLAMYDIA.
ESPOSITO, YOU'RE GONORRHEA,
- TUNA, YOU'RE SYPHILIS. - YES!
FORD AND BERNARDINO, YOU'LL BE MY WORRISOME WARTS,
- CHERRY, JULIAN, MY CRABS. - SIR, I'M CONFUSED.
- WE'RE PLAYING ACTUAL DISEASES? - CLEVER, ISN'T IT, MISS McQUEEN?
NATURALLY, YOU'LL BE THE QUEEN OF ALL INFLAMMATION, HERPES.
McPHERSON, I'VE WRITTEN THE WHORE PART WITH YOU IN MIND.
BUT I WON'T LIE. I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR RANGE.
[HARRISON] LOOKS LIKE I'VE BEEN SPARED. TWICE IN ONE YEAR.
NOT SO FAST, MIRACLE MAN.
YOU'LL PLAY THE MOST IMPORTANT ROLE, HOPE HIMSELF, THE LONELY VIRGIN.
- DO YOU KNOW HOW FATTENING THAT IS? - I'M NOT GONNA EAT IT.
I'M JUST STUDYING ITS MOVEMENTS SO WE CAN STEAL THE SHOW AT THE FESTIVAL.
YOU NEED TO GO BACK ON YOUR MEDICATION.
I KNOW. I'M ALL A-TWITTER.
I FIND IT SHOCKING THAT THESE SEA-SWIMMING FELLAS CAN TURN NASTY
AND ROOT AROUND IN MY LA PERLA LADY DRAWERS.
MARY CHERRY, WE'VE BEEN CAST AS PEDICULOSIS PUBIS,
NOT FRESHWATER CRABS.
SO YOU CAN'T GET THESE FROM UNPROTECTED SEX?
NOT UNLESS YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF WEIRD PIRATE FETISH.
THE CRABS WE'LL BE PLAYING ARE MILLIMETER-SIZED,
INFEST THE PUBIC HAIR AND FEED ON BLOOD.
YOU GET IT FROM BEDDING, CLOTHING, TOILET SEATS, AND DIRECT SEXUAL CONTACT.
- REALLY? - MM-HM.
DANG! SO MUCH FOR MY RESEARCH RESERVATIONS AT THE RED LOBSTER.
IF I HAVE TO BE AN STD, WHY CAN'T I BE MORE NORTH OF THE EQUATOR?
SUG, PLEASE, WE'RE TRYING TO EAT HERE.
[APRIL] VIRGIN.
MISS GLASS' PLAY MAY BE INSANE,
BUT THIS CREEPY-CRAWLY STUFF CAN GET UNDER A GUY'S SKIN.
- I'M PARANOID. - I'VE GOT NO WORRIES.
LILY AND I ARE WAITING, AND THE ONLY OTHER GIRL WAS BROOKE,
- AND SHE'S CLEAN. - WHAT ABOUT NICOLE?
- MAYBE I DO NEED TO GET TESTED. - [SUGAR] I KNOW I'M COOL,
'CAUSE WHEN I GAVE IT UP, I WORE A FULL-ON RAIN HAT,
AND SHE STILL MADE ME GET TESTED. TWICE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, GEORGE? YOU AND McPHERSON CROSS THAT BRIDGE?
- I'LL NEVER TELL. - YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, HARRISON?
WHAT? ME AND SAM?
- WE'RE JUST GOOD FRIENDS. - [JOSH] AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?
HARRISON'S GOT THE BEST GIG OF ALL.
THE LADIES TREAT HIM LIKE ONE OF THEIR OWN.
- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? - THE WAY YOU DIAL DOWN THE THREAT.
GET IN UNDER THE RADAR.
I DO MORE THAN JUST HANG OUT WITH THESE GIRLS.
YO. YOU SECRETLY PARTY WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE?
- YO, YOU A DOG. - MAYBE I DO.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE IN THE BIG LEAGUE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOWN IN THE PEE WEES.
YOU KNOW, "DIVISION V".
I'M GETTING AROUND TO IT. BEEN A LITTLE PREOCCUPIED LATELY.
- THAT WAS COLD. - DAMN, SUG.
WHY YOU GOTTA GO AT HIM LIKE THAT? YOU KNOW HE'S A NEWBIE.
- MY BAD. - [JOSH] NOW WE'VE GOT TO MAKE IT RIGHT.
HARRISON'S BEEN THROUGH HELL.
I KNOW. LET'S GIVE HIM A PROFESSIONAL.
YOU KNOW, AN ESCORT TO HELP HIM CROSS THE GREAT DIVIDE.
A DEVIRGINIZER.
- SOMEONE LIKE CANDY BOX? - GOOD CALL, GEORGIE.
I DON'T KNOW. HARRISON DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A TYPICAL CANDY BOX CLIENT.
OKAY. WHO THE HELL'S CANDY BOX?
DUDE. SHE'S A HOOKER, JOSH.
A HOOKER, HUH?
[CLEARS THROAT]
BROOKE, HELP.
[MOANS]
THE WINDOW WAS AJAR.
- IS GEORGE SNEAKING IN AGAIN? - I DON'T THINK SO.
OUR "NIGHT OF 1000 FIRSTS" KIND OF BACKFIRED.
- DID YOU BREAK UP? - NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT.
HE JUST WANTS TO TAKE THINGS SLOW.
OR, MAYBE,
HE JUST WANTS TO WAIT.
LOOK, SAM,...
I WISH I HAD.
I MEAN, ONCE YOU GIVE IT AWAY,...
YOU CAN'T EVER GET IT BACK.
I KNOW THAT.
THEN WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A HURRY TO LOSE IT?
- USUALLY YOU'RE SO CAREFUL AND SO... - SO PRIM?
THAT IS JUST THE THING. I AM TIRED OF THAT REP.
I JUST WANT TO BE SEXY.
NO.
YOU JUST WANT HIM TO THINK YOU'RE SEXY.
IT'S AN EGO THING.
THEY HAVE A LAMAZE CLASS TO TEACH YOU HOW TO BIRTH.
YOU'D THINK THEY COULD FORM A SEX CLASS THAT'S ACTUALLY INSTRUCTIONAL,
THAT SHOWS A GIRL WHAT A GUY WANTS. SO WE'D KNOW, YOU KNOW?
SO, YOU MEAN, LIKE, CLASSES,
- WITH ACTUAL VIDEOS? - YES.
I THINK I KNOW WHERE I CAN GET ONE OF THOSE VIDEOS.
[MAN ON TV] THAT'S A LOT OF STRAW TO SPIN INTO GOLD.
YOU'RE ONE DEMANDING MILLER'S DAUGHTER.
[WOMAN] QUIT YOUR YAPPIN' AND START SPINNIN'.
BUT FIRST, SPIN THIS.
OOH, WHAT IS SHE THINKING?
HE'S A MIDGET.
SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE.
THE KING'S HAD HER LOCKED IN THERE FOR MONTHS.
OH, STOP.
[SQUEALS] I CAN'T BELIEVE
MIKE HAS A COPY OF RUMPLESTILTSKIN: TRIPLE X.
- WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT? - IN THE GARAGE BEHIND HIS TOOL SET.
IT'S OBVIOUSLY A LEFTOVER FROM HIS LONELY BACHELOR DAYS.
OKAY. BROOKE, WHAT, EXACTLY, AM I SUPPOSED TO GET FROM ALL THIS?
THAT WOMEN IN THE MIDDLE AGES COULD BE VERY DEMANDING?
NO.
THAT IF A GIRL WANTS SOMETHING,
MAYBE SOMETIMES SHE HAS TO BE A LITTLE MORE...
- OFFENSIVE. - AGGRESSIVE.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT, AND DON'T LET HIM THINK,
OR HE'LL JUST LOSE HIS NERVE.
HARRISON, WAIT UP.
HARRISON, LISTEN. WE FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT THE OTHER DAY, MAN.
WE HAD NO RIGHT DISSING YOUR MANHOOD.
AND TO MAKE UP FOR OUR INSENSITIVITY,
WELL, WE CHIPPED IN AND BOUGHT YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL.
[BOTH YELL]
THANKS.
- WHAT IS ALL THIS? - DON'T FORGET TO READ THE CERTIFICATE.
- "SKANK OFF"? - YEAH.
"GOOD FOR ONE NIGHT OF ECSTASY."
- WHO'S CANDY BOX? - ASK HER YOURSELF, BRO.
JUST CALL HER PAGER AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.
YOU GUYS BOUGHT ME A HOOKER?
YEAH.
THANKS FOR THE PITY. I DON'T NEED HELP.
- ARE YOU SURE? - DON'T LOOK A GIFT WHORE IN THE MOUTH.
WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? I CAN'T LOSE IT ON MY OWN?
HARRISON, WE WERE JUST BETTING THAT YOU COULD USE HELP, THAT'S ALL.
I MAY BE A VIRGIN, BUT NOT FOR LONG.
BY THE END OF THIS WEEK, I'LL BET YOU GUYS I'LL LOSE IT.
I WAS HELPING YOU EXPERIENCE LIFE'S DELIGHTS.
WELL, I WILL. ON MY OWN ACCORD. BY FRIDAY.
AND WHEN I LOSE IT, IT WON'T BE BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE IS PICKING UP THE TAB.
[MISS GLASS] MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, ACTORS?
BEFORE WE BEGIN TODAY'S REHEARSAL, GOOD NEWS.
IRVING HANDELMAN, GODFATHER OF DINNER THEATER,
THE MAN THAT BROUGHT OH! CALCUTTA! TO HOOLIHANS,
HAS AGREED TO ATTEND OUR PREMIER.
[WHOOPING]
PEOPLE, WORK WITH ME. WE'RE LOSING THE LIGHT.
PLACES, EVERYONE.
[FEEDBACK]
YOU ARE DEEP IN THE HARDWOOD FOREST,
69 MILES FROM CIVILIZATION...
MR. FORD, KINDLY REFRAIN FROM COMMINGLING WITH GONORRHEA.
GENITAL WARTS DO NOT BEHAVE THAT WAY.
- HOW DO THEY BEHAVE? - LOOK IT UP!
THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU. PEOPLE, RESEARCH YOUR ROLES.
DISCOVER WHO YOUR CHARACTERS REALLY ARE.
IF YOU WANT TO PLAY IT WITH CONVICTION, YOU MUST BECOME THE AFFLICTION.
EVERYONE SHOULD LEARN SOMETHING NEW BY NEXT TIME.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR MR. JOHN.
[LAUGHING]
- HEY, NICOLE, YOU GOT A SEC? - YEAH.
I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO PROPERLY THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID FOR ME.
DON'T MENTION IT, AND DON'T GET MUSHY.
WHAT'S BONE MARROW BETWEEN OPPOSITES FROM DIFFERENT SOCIAL SPHERES?
WELL, YOU SAVED MY LIFE,
AND I WANT TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION,
AND MAYBE A LITTLE MORE.
WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND? I HAVE ALL THE POKEMON CARDS I NEED.
RIGHT.
I WAS JUST THINKING,
THAT SINCE WE WERE A MARROW MATCH,
THAT MAYBE WE COULD EXPAND OUR SHARING REPERTOIRE
AND SEE IF WE ALSO MATCH
IN OTHER AREAS.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY, NICOLE?
YOU.
ARE YOU ASKING ME TO BREAK YOU OUT OF THE FRIENDS OF THE HAND CLUB?
YEAH.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKING. - OKAY.
WELL, I HAVE TO SAY THAT I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY,
BUT ANSWER ME THIS:
WHY CHOOSE MOI FOR THIS SPECIAL HONOR?
WELL, BECAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
AND SEXY.
I ALREADY MENTIONED THE THING ABOUT THE BONE MARROW, SO,
IN A WAY, WE'VE ALREADY EXCHANGED BODILY FLUIDS, RIGHT?
THAT'S SWEET.
GO ON.
YOU KNOW, IF THIS IS YOUR VERSION OF FOREPLAY, IT'S WORKING.
YOU'RE NOT SO DISCRIMINATING,
AND I HEARD THAT YOU DO IT WITH A LOT OF GUYS...
- THAT CAME OUT WRONG. - YOU KNOW, HARRISON,
- I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU OUT. - YOU WOULD?
YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M BOOKED FOR WEEKS.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE 2.5 SECONDS THAT IT WILL TAKE YOU WHEN YOU DO IT.
IT'S A PITY, BECAUSE I'D LOVE TO BE THERE WHEN THAT LADY GETS A LOAD
OF YOUR UNDERPRIVILEGED REFINE AND THEN LAUGHS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE.
[GEORGE] "THE SYMPTOMS CAN BE MILD, OR INVISIBLE."
"SO, SEXUALLY ACTIVE PEOPLE..."
[BROOKE] IF A GIRL WANTS SOMETHING, SHE HAS TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE.
[♪ ROCK MUSIC]
I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD SNUB ME.
ARE WE REHEARSING OR ARE YOU GONNA KICK MY ASS?
- THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT. - I WANT YOU, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
WE'RE IN YOUR KITCHEN. YOUR MOTHER'S UPSTAIRS.
SHE'S TOO NAUSEOUS TO MOVE. YOU WANT PRIVACY?
ALL RIGHT.
GREAT.
WAIT, SAM. WHOA. TIME-OUT.
- WHAT'S GOING ON? - I'M BEING AGGRESSIVE.
LOOK, SAM, I WANT YOU TOO.
BUT NOT LIKE THIS. YOU'RE SCARING ME HERE.
GREAT. NOW I'VE GONE FROM NOT SEXY TO SCARY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU'RE INCREDIBLY SEXY.
YOU ARE.
I MAY NOT BE THE FASTEST GUY IN THE WORLD,
BUT IT'S JUST BECAUSE I WANT OUR FIRST TIME TO BE EMOTIONAL.
I GUESS I'M A ROMANCE GEEK TOO.
HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY?
WE'RE BOTH BIG VS, AND YOU'RE SO SWEET.
NOT TOO SWEET.
WHEN THE TIME COMES, I THINK THE OCCASIONAL GAME
OF FORCEFUL LAUNDRESS COULD BE FUN.
LOOK, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
LET'S PICK A DATE. METICULOUSLY PLAN FOR IT
UNTIL WE'VE KILLED ANY POSSIBILITY OF SPONTANEITY.
- THEN DO IT THE NEXT DAY. - HOW ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY AND SUNDAY?
YOU'RE ON.
DON'T MIND ME. YOUR MOTHER JUST SPIT UP ON HER STRETCHY PANTS AGAIN.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- SHE'S FLUFFING. - AND HE'S FOLDING.
BARRY GOES TO THE ANIMAL HOSPITAL? BOTTOM LINE, THEY'RE SCRUBS.
I KNOW, BUT I MUST PROTECT MYSELF FROM THOSE ICKY PUBIC VERMIN.
[SIGHS]
OKAY, GREAT. THANKS, HARRIS. DID YOU GET THEM ALL?
- OKAY. BYE-BYE. - HI.
- WHO ARE THE BOYS IN UNIFORM? - THEY'RE FROM BEVERLY HILLS PEST.
I HAD THEM DO A ONCE-OVER THE PLACE,
SO THAT THIS LADY'S PRIVATES COULD REMAIN CLEAN AS A WHISTLE.
ACCORDING TO SHOCKING INFORMATION GLEANED DURING A PERUSAL
OF THE UROLOGY CHANNEL, THE AVERAGE LADY CRAB
LAYS TWO TO THREE EGGS DAILY.
THEY FASTEN TO SHAFTS OF BODY HAIR, AND CAN HATCH INTO NITS WITHIN A WEEK.
MARY CHERRY, YOU'RE BECOMING PARA-NNOYING.
IN AN AGE OF SEXUAL MISINFORMATION AND LIES,
IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE.
TRUST NO ONE.
NO ONE IS HONEST.
HI. I HAVE GONORRHEA.
I... HAVE GONORRHEA.
HEY, LILY, YOU WANT TO KEEP IT DOWN JUST A LITTLE BIT?
BESIDES, YOU DON'T HAVE GONORRHEA. YOU ARE GONORRHEA.
I KNOW THAT, BUT I CAN'T TELL THE DOCTOR I'M IN A CLASS PLAY.
HE WON'T GET IT. THAT WAY, I GET ALL THE INFO AND CAN GO METHOD.
LIKE MERYL STREEP.
GET IT?
NO.
LOOK, IF YOU WANT ME TO GET THE STD PANEL,
YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE DO IT, I'M TOTALLY WILLING.
HONESTY IS SEXY.
AND I THINK THAT GETTING TESTED
IS THE MOST NOBLE, RESPECTFUL THING
A GUY WITH A CHECKERED PAST FULL OF CHEAP, IRRESPONSIBLE MISTAKES
AND CASUAL NEGLIGENCE CAN MAKE.
THE ONLY PART OF THE STD PANEL THAT'S EVEN REMOTELY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR A GUY.
- IS THE CHLAMYDIA TEST. - YEAH? HOW DO THEY TEST FOR THAT?
WELL, FIRST THE DOCTOR INSERTS HIS FINGER IN YOUR RECTUM,
- AND PRESSES ON YOUR PROSTATE, THEN... - HEY.
GEORGE. HEY.
I THINK WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IS GREAT.
- YEAH. WELL, GOOD LUCK. - YEAH, YOU TOO.
JOSH FORD, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR CHLAMYDIA TEST.
- HEY. - HELLO, SAM SAM.
WE'RE SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WITH OUR BOYFRIENDS, I NEVER SEE YOU ANYMORE.
YEAH, I KNOW. I FEEL THE SAME WAY.
SO, I GUESS CONGRATS ARE IN ORDER.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU AND GEORGE WERE SO FAR ALONG.
YEAH. DID GEORGE TELL YOU THAT?
NO. I RAN INTO HIM AT THE STD CLINIC.
JOSH WAS GETTING TESTED TOO.
WHY WOULD GEORGE GET TESTED? HE'S NEVER BEEN WITH ANYBODY BEFORE.
OH, WELL, HE COULD HAVE BEEN GETTING TESTED FOR ANYTHING.
AT AN STD CLINIC?
I'M SURE THERE'S AN EXPLANATION.
YEAH, WELL, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.
[BELL RINGS]
AND THE FACT THAT OUR MOTHERS ARE BOTH SINGLE-MOM LESBIANS,
MAKES IT A WIN-WIN.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
THANK YOU. I DESERVED THAT.
TODAY COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,
REMISSION MAN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, APRIL? WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S THE KEY TO MY VIRTUE AND COMPLEXITY.
OH, MY GOD. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
IT'S AN ELECTRONIC CHASTITY BELT.
MY MOTHER HAD IT INSTALLED WHEN I WAS 12.
THERE ARE ONLY TWO KEYS IN THE WORLD. I STOLE ONE FOR YOU.
WANT TO TAKE A SWIPE?
NO. I CAN'T DO THAT.
FOOL. YOU JUST PASSED UP THE ONLY CHANCE YOU'LL EVER GET.
YOU'LL NEVER LOSE IT. LOSER.
EXCUSE ME.
LATER.
- DID YOU LIE TO ME? - HELLO TO YOU TOO, SAM.
WHY WOULD YOU NEED AN STD TEST IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN WITH SOMEONE BEFORE?
UNLESS YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN.
ACTUALLY, I NEVER SAID I WAS A VIRGIN. I SAID I WAS IN VIRGIN TERRITORY.
WHO ARE YOU, BILL CLINTON? SPARE ME THE LINGUISTIC BACK FLIPS.
WHY WAS I LED TO BELIEVE I WAS GONNA BE YOUR FIRST?
CORRECTION. MISLED.
LOOK, SAM, I'M SORRY.
THAT NIGHT IN YOUR ROOM, YOU'D GONE TO SO MUCH TROUBLE,
I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO RUIN IT.
I MEAN, HONESTY WOULD HAVE KILLED THE INTIMACY.
DISHONESTY IS KILLING THE INTIMACY NOW.
OKAY, THE TRUTH.
NO, TECHNICALLY, I'M NOT A VIRGIN.
LOOK, BEFORE I LEFT MY OLD SCHOOL, THE GUYS FROM THE TEAM
TOOK ME OUT FOR THIS BIG SEND-OFF.
I GOT REALLY DRUNK,
AND I MET THIS OLDER GIRL.
WHO WAS SHE?
HONESTLY, I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HER NAME.
THE NEXT DAY, I PIECED TOGETHER WHAT HAD HAPPENED,
AND I REALIZED WHAT I LOST.
AND NOT JUST MY VIRGINITY, BUT THE OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE IT UP FOR REAL.
THE WAY I WANTED IT TO BE WITH YOU.
WELL, THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.
DID YOU WEAR A CONDOM?
I'D LOVE TO SAY YES, THIS BEING STD WEEK AND ALL,
BUT THE TRUTH IS, I DON'T KNOW.
I WANTED TO BE ABSOLUTELY SURE FOR YOU.
AND THAT'S WHY I RAN INTO JOSH AND LILY.
WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME, GEORGE.
[HARRISON] JOSH. JOSH, I, UH...
I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT CANDY. I WANT TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER.
DO YOU HAVE THE CERTIFICATE?
NOT ON ME, BUT I'LL BRING IT TOMORROW.
- HEY, GUYS. - HEY.
- WHAT'S UP? - NOTHING.
I GOTTA RUN. I GOTTA GO CRAM FOR THAT IMMINENT POP QUIZ.
WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK ABOUT A CERTIFICATE?
UH...
- YOU THINK HONESTY IS SEXY, RIGHT? - RIGHT.
WE BOUGHT HARRISON A PROSTITUTE.
WE WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE TO HELP HIM CELEBRATE HIS RECOVERY.
- NICE? - YEAH.
YOU THINK IT'S NICE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF SOME POOR, MISGUIDED SOUL WHO'S SELLING HER BODY
TO FEED HER CHILDREN OR PETS?
NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
CANDY BOX IS A SEASONED PRO WITH HER OWN AD CAMPAIGN.
- SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING. - CAN'T YOU SEE HOW DEGRADING THIS IS?
IT'S NOT MY PLACE TO TELL ANY WOMAN WHAT SHE CAN OR CANNOT DO WITH HER OWN BODY.
- THAT'S A REPUBLICAN'S JOB. - I'LL SLEEP WITH HARRISON MYSELF.
- SAY WHAT? - FOR FREE.
OH, LILY, COME ON.
[JOSH] COME ON, WAIT.
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.
♪ YOU CAN'T RESIST A LADY OF THE NIGHT, MY DEAR
♪ IT ISN'T WORTH A STRUGGLE OR A FIGHT, MY DEAR
♪ IF YOU'RE BURNING WITH THE FIRE
♪ OF A SINNER'S HOT DESIRE
♪ WHAT THE HELL, YOU MAY AS WELL COME RUN WITH US
♪ JUST BLOW A LITTLE KISS TO LADY SYPHILIS
♪ WITH ANY LUCK, SHE'LL BLOW YOU ONE BACK
♪ SHE'S SO SLICK AND SLY, LOOK HER IN THE EYE
♪ YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT'S CREPT INTO YOUR...
♪ IF INFERTILITY KILLS YOUR VIRILITY
♪ YOU MAY HAVE SLEPT WITH SWEET CHLAMYDIA
♪ AND YOUR VENEREAL ZONE IS NOW BACTERIA PRONE
♪ TILL YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER
♪ GONORRHEA IS OH, SO ENCHANTING
♪ NEVER WONDER WHY IT HURTS SO MUCH TO PEE
♪ AND HERPES MAY BE SORE, BUT SHE'S HARDLY A BORE
♪ AND SHE WILL STAY WITH YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY
♪ DARLING, DON'T PUT UP A FIGHT
♪ YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T RESIST A LADY OF THE NIGHT
♪ YEAH ♪
ONE TINY, LITTLE EENSY-BEENSY PROBLEM.
THIS IS A DRESS TECH.
WHERE DID GONORRHEA GO?
THIS IS SO UNPROFESSIONAL.
HARRISON, YOU JUST BATTLED CANCER.
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO EXPOSE YOURSELF TO
WELL, PICK YOUR POISON.
I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES.
CLARENCE DIED NOT KNOWING WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE WITH A WOMAN.
I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME. AND GIVEN MY STATUS,
I DON'T HAVE THE LUXURY TO WAIT AROUND UNTIL I FALL IN LOVE.
THEN LET ME BE THE ONE.
COME ON, LIL. LET'S NOT GO BACK TO THAT SORRY CHAPTER, OKAY?
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. IF I'D GONE THROUGH WITH IT LAST YEAR,
LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO WHEN WE WERE GONNA DO IT,
YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THIS SITUATION, AND MAYBE...
THIS IS SO NOT ABOUT YOU.
I'M TIRED OF HEARING THAT, "I DON'T THINK OF YOU THAT WAY."
OR, "YOU'RE TOO NICE."
THIS IS MY DECISION,
AND I'VE DECIDED THAT I NEED THIS EXPERIENCE.
[JOSH] HEY, SAM. CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT LILY?
OFF THE RECORD? WE'RE KIND OF HAVING OUR FIRST BIG, REAL FIGHT.
- I HEARD. - WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
SHE'S BLAMING ME FOR STUFF THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET SYMPATHY FROM ME
ON THE IDEA OF SENDING HARRISON TO A PROSTITUTE.
SUGAR CAME UP WITH THE PLAN, GEORGE KNEW A GIRL...
UH, GEORGE KNOWS A PROSTITUTE?
- I GOTTA GO. - NO.
- NO. DID HE GO TO HER? - OW.
LOOK, SAM, ALL I KNOW IS, GEORGE IS TOTALLY INTO YOU.
YOU KNOW, HE KNEW SOME GIRL'S NAME. BIG DEAL. I'M SURE IT WAS INNOCENT.
YEAH, SURE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M OVERREACTING.
WHAT'S HER NAME?
CANDY BOX. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?
[DOORBELL]
HELLO?
- MISS BOX? - BE RIGHT WITH YOU, SWEETIE.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
HI.
I'M CANDY. CANDY BOX.
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A PIECE OF PIE?
I'VE GOT LEMON MERINGUE, OR BOSTON CREAM.
WHAT'S YOUR PLEASURE?
I'M OKAY. THANKS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A WORKING GIRL
PEDDLE PASTRY BEFORE?
I JUST IMAGINED YOU'D BE A LITTLE... YOUNGER.
HEY, I COULD SAY THE SAME ABOUT YOU.
[LAUGHS] LET'S SIT DOWN, CASANOVA.
MISS BOX, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW THAT...
THIS IS MY FIRST TIME.
YOU DON'T SAY?
YEAH, AND I'M NOT EXPERIENCED,
- BUT I'M VERY MOTIVATED. - LISTEN, IT'S NOT AN INTERVIEW.
YOU'RE GONNA GET THE JOB.
RIGHT.
BUT MAYBE WE COULD TALK A LITTLE FIRST.
HI, MY NAME IS...
DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, AND MAKE SOMETHING UP, SWEETIE.
OTHERWISE, YOU'LL REGRET IT IN THE MORNING.
OH, OKAY.
THEN YOU CAN CALL ME... JOE.
OKAY. HERE IS A MENU, JOE.
YOUR BUDDIES PAID FOR A STARTER AND AN ENTRÉE, BUT I'M EASY.
AS LONG AS WE WRAP IT UP IN AN HOUR.
OH, AND BEFORE YOU GET YOUR HEART SET, I'M ALL OUT OF THE HOT FRENCH OIL.
OKAY?
TWO... FOUR...
IF THE MENU'S CONFUSING YOU, LET'S JUST PUT IT AWAY.
YEAH. THANKS.
IT IS A BIT OVERWHELMING.
ALL THOSE COMBINATIONS KINDA PUT ME IN THE MOOD FOR CHINESE.
I DON'T DO ACCENTS.
BUT I KNOW A GREAT SZECHWAN PLACE THAT DELIVERS.
YEAH?
KING ME.
IMPRESSIVE.
YOU KNOW, JOE,
I FIND BOYS WHO PLAY ABOVE-AVERAGE CHECKERS
ARE ABOVE-AVERAGE IN OTHER WAYS.
[GULPS] REALLY?
UH-HUH.
I THINK I'M READY TO TAKE OFF MY SHOES.
OH, NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.
- [DOORBELL RINGS] - WHO IS IT?
IT'S SAM McPHERSON FROM THAT BURNING SENSATION.
WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.
THIS GIRL'S DOING RESEARCH FOR A BIG HOLLYWOOD MOVIE.
I DO A LITTLE CONSULTING ON THE SIDE.
HEY, GET IN THERE. IT'S A LINEN CLOSET. DON'T WORRY.
- [SAM] THANK YOU. - [CANDY] COMING.
COME ON IN.
THANKS FOR SEEING ME ON SHORT NOTICE.
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME WITH YOU HOLLYWOOD TYPES.
JULIA ROBERTS WAS IN SUCH A RUSH WITH PRETTY WOMAN
SHE LEFT MY CONSULTING CREDIT IN THE CUTTING ROOM.
WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE YOU A CREDIT,
BUT MY PERFORMANCE
DEPENDS ON GETTING THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH FROM YOU.
OKAY.
FIRST QUESTION: DO YOU REMEMBER ALL YOUR JOHNS?
WELL, I NEVER FORGET A FACE, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE ASKING.
BUT I TRY NOT TO LEARN TOO MUCH ABOUT MY BOYS.
- YOU KEEP THINGS IMPERSONAL? - DON'T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH.
THAT COSTS EXTRA.
WHEN YOU'RE IN THE JOY THERAPY BUSINESS,
YOU CAN NEVER BE TOTALLY IMPERSONAL.
YOU HAVE TO BE FANTASIES COME TRUE.
AND YOU HAVE TO DO IT ON THE CLOCK.
SO, YOU DO REMEMBER YOUR CLIENTS?
YOU SEEM LIKE A SWEET KID.
WHY ARE YOU DIGGING AROUND IN YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BASEMENT?
- WOW. YOU ARE GOOD. - I'M A PRO.
[SAM SIGHS]
HERE'S THE TRUTH.
HE AND I ARE GETTING KIND OF SERIOUS,
AND NO OFFENSE, CANDY,
I JUST THINK IT'S SAD THAT HE MIGHT HAVE GIVEN IT UP TO SOMEONE
WHO DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HIM THE WAY THAT I DO.
I WANT MY FIRST TIME TO BE SPECIAL.
AND, IF HE LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S SO IMPORTANT,
I DON'T THINK I CAN GIVE HIM MY FIRST TIME.
OH, HE'S CUTE.
HE SORT OF LOOKS LIKE THAT HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH GUY.
LIKE I SAID, I NEVER FORGET A FACE.
YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE HIM?
NO.
OH, THANK YOU, CANDY.
ANYTHING TO SPREAD A LITTLE JOY.
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO MIGHT BE COMING BY HERE.
HARRISON. HE'S A LITTLE OVER SIX FEET TALL.
HE'S CUTE.
BE GENTLE WITH HIM. HE'S A SPECIAL GUY, TOO.
OKAY.
THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, HARRISON.
THE COAST IS CLEAR.
WOW. THAT WAS NICE OF YOU, TO GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTED.
WELL, DON'T WORRY. I'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY, TOO.
YEAH.
OR MAYBE NOT.
I'M SORRY, CANDY, I JUST CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT.
I NEVER WANT TO HAVE TO LIE TO SOMEONE LIKE HER.
OKAY. BUT YOU HAVE TO TRY MY LEMON MERINGUE PIE.
IT'S LOW FAT.
HAPPY HERPES...
SORRY, THESPIANS.
FIVE MINUTES, EVERYBODY.
FIVE MINUTES.
GO LIGHTER ON THE PANCAKE. I WANT MY WARTS TO GLISTEN. I CAN'T BREATHE.
WELCOME TO THAT BURNING SENSATION: A CAUTIONARY TALE.
I'LL BE YOUR USHER FOR THE EVENING,
AS WELL AS AN UNSIGHTLY YELLOW DISCHARGE.
SO, LET ME SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEATS.
SHE'S GOT CRABS FOR REAL, AND MISS JULIAN GAVE THEM TO HER?
AFTER ALL THIS COMPANY'S BEEN THROUGH,
YOU TWO HAVE THE GALL TO TAINT MY OPENING WITH A CRAB INFESTATION?
ARE YOUR EGOS THAT OUT OF CONTROL?
I'M SORRY, HERR DIRECTOR, BUT I WILL NOT SHARE THE STAGE
WITH THAT SLEAZY INFECTRESS...
- YOU DID THIS DEMONCY? - I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.
EW. WAIT.
MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO FINGER MISS JULIAN,
I CONCEDE THESE WELTS, THOUGH CREEPY,
- AND NOT PEDICULOSIS PUBIS. - WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I'D SAY YOU HAVE AN ALLERGY TO SHELLFISH, OR POSSIBLY WOOL.
OH.
I THOUGHT I HAD AN STD ONCE, BUT IT WAS JUST ATHLETE'S FOOT.
WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE, CANDY?
YES, I HAVE A CLIENT IN THIS SHOW.
MR. HANDELMAN, I PROJECTED A FULL HOUSE,
BUT SOME UPTIGHT PARENTS FOUND THE SUBJECT MATTER TOO GRAPHIC.
- NACHOS? - YOU KNOW...
GREAT SEAT.
OKAY.
HELLO, IRVING.
[ANNOUNCER] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS,
WE PRESENT THE PREMIER OF THAT BURNING SENSATION.
[MISS GLASS] YOU ARE DEEP IN THE HARD WOOD FOREST,
69 MILES FROM CIVILIZATION.
[HARRISON] I MUST FIND A WAY TO BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF LOVE.
BUT SHOULDN'T I BE WEARING A GLOVE?
OH, I AM IN NEED OF SUCCOR, AND...
I'M SORRY. I CAN'T GO ON.
THERE'S SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY ABOUT MY CHARACTER.
I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S COME ACROSS.
I AM A VIRGIN.
THEN, LAST NIGHT I WENT TO A PROSTITUTE.
YEAH!
DON'T GET EXCITED. I'M STILL A VIRGIN.
BOO!
I LEARNED A LOT.
I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT THE ACT,
AND HOW IT WOULD JUST INSTANTLY MAKE ME INTO A MAN.
BUT, GOING TO A... "JOY THERAPIST"
TAUGHT ME THAT SEX ISN'T SOMETHING TO HURRY UP AND GET THROUGH.
IT'S SOMETHING TO CHERISH.
AND CELEBRATE.
WITH EXTREME CAUTION, OF COURSE.
THE POINT IS, NOT TO WAIT JUST FOR THE SAKE OF WAITING,
BUT WAITING FOR THE RIGHT PERSON.
WHAT I LEARNED THIS WEEK, IS WHEN IT COMES TO SEX,
HONESTY IS EVERYTHING. YOU GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
AND WITH OTHERS.
'CAUSE THE BIGGEST EPIDEMIC OUT THERE IS DISHONESTY.
THIS MOMENT,
THIS RITE OF PASSAGE AND PASSION,
IT'S ONE OF THE GREAT GIFTS WE'RE GIVEN.
SAVE IT, FOR SOMEONE YOU HONESTLY LOVE.
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.
I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE SO MANY DISEASES OUT THERE.
STARTING TOMORROW, I AM BACK ON PHONE SEX.
OH, HOW BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE SHOW.
WHAT DID YOU LEARN TONIGHT? NO RUNNING IN THE HALLS.
[SAM] CLAW'S STD PLAY, THANK YOU, WAS A TERRIFIC EXPERIENCE.
I THINK I SHOULD BAG JOURNALISM, AND STUDY ACTING.
WELL, YOU WERE THE BEST HOOKER I'VE EVER SEEN.
OH.
OH, I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.
THE HOT-OFF-THE-PRESSES RESULT OF MY FULL STD PANEL.
- I ASSUME YOU PASSED. - IT'S NOT A TEST YOU WANT TO FAIL.
JOSH PASSED TOO.
GEORGE.
IT'S MY TURN TO COME CLEAN.
I DIDN'T TRUST YOU,
AND I DID SOMETHING I AM NOT TOTALLY PROUD OF.
I WENT TO A PROSTITUTE
TO CHECK UP ON YOU.
A WOMAN NAMED CANDY BOX.
OKAY, SO YOU'RE SPYING ON ME.
THAT IS SO NOT COOL, SAM.
SO, FOR THE RECORD, HOW DID IT GO?
- I DIDN'T EVEN GO SEE HER. - I KNOW.
- I SHOWED HER YOUR PICTURE. - OKAY.
OKAY, WE'RE EVEN. I'VE BEEN TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOU.
AND YOU'VE BEEN TOTALLY HONEST WITH ME.
MAYBE TONIGHT CAN BE...
THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ERA?
WANNA GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE?
GEORGE.
SINCE WE'RE BEING TOTALLY HONEST,
I THINK WE SHOULD WAIT.
I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.
I'M JUST NOT QUITE READY.
I THINK WE BOTH HAVE A LOT TO LEARN STILL.
OKAY. THAT'S COOL.
ARE YOU SURE? YOU ARE REALLY
GONNA BE OKAY WITH WAITING?
OF COURSE. SAM, I LOVE...
...YOU. HOW'S THAT FOR HONEST?
- DOES THIS MEAN MAYBE YES? - NO.
- [MUMBLES] OKAY. - NO.
THAT'S FINE.
END SCENE.
♪ TO BEND AND NOT TO BREAK
♪ CHIN UP, TRY NOT TO QUAKE
♪ I'M GRINNING ON THE OUTSIDE
♪ BUT I'M A WRECK INTERNALLY
♪ OOH LA LA LA LA
♪ OOH LA LA LA LA ♪