1 00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:08,774 HEY, I MADE THE BEDSIDE TABLE. 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,676 THAT'S BIG. 3 00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:15,814 I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOOK YOU TWO MONTHS TO LET ME SEE YOUR ROOM. 4 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:20,352 THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING, GEORGE. 5 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:24,723 ANYWAY, IT TOOK ME THAT LONG TO CLEAN THE PLACE UP. 6 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,927 IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. 7 00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:31,597 AND IT SMELLS NICE. 8 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:34,633 SO DO YOU. 9 00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:42,674 AREN'T YOU A LITTLE WARM IN THIS? 10 00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:45,444 UH... 11 00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:48,980 YEAH. YES. I AM. 12 00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:07,232 MY MOM TOOK MIKE AND BROOKE TO THE MOVIES. 13 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:10,335 - OKAY. - THEY WON'T BE HOME TILL LATE. 14 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:13,572 VERY, VERY, VERY LATE. 15 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,607 WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, SAM? 16 00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:20,011 I REPEAT, 17 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,581 THERE' A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING. 18 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:25,083 - REALLY? - YEAH. 19 00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:26,618 WOW. 20 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,059 WOW. UM... 21 00:01:35,128 --> 00:01:36,461 IS SOMETHING WRONG? 22 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,430 UM... 23 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:41,166 OH, MY GOD. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER MADE THAT HUMUS. 24 00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:44,168 OH, NO, IT'S NOT THAT. YOU TASTE GREAT. 25 00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:46,938 IT'S JUST THAT, UM, 26 00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:49,808 I CAN'T DO... 27 00:01:49,876 --> 00:01:51,142 I CAN'T DO THIS. 28 00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:57,182 I'M SORRY, SAM. I DIDN'T, UH... 29 00:01:57,251 --> 00:02:00,485 I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT YOU WERE READY TO... 30 00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:04,389 GO TO THE NEXT LEVEL. 31 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:08,560 - I GUESS I'M SORT OF... - FREAKED OUT? 32 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:11,763 - YEAH. - IT'S OKAY. ME TOO. 33 00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:19,304 MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE IT SLOW. 34 00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,907 YEAH. I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. 35 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:26,145 I GUESS I JUST ASSUMED YOU'D BEEN HERE BEFORE. 36 00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,980 ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY GIRLFRIEND? 37 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:31,550 NO. I'M... 38 00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:35,687 SORT OF IN VIRGIN TERRITORY, TOO, 39 00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:39,824 IF YOU'LL PARDON THE TERRIBLE PUN. 40 00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:44,396 WOULD THIS BE A GOOD TIME FOR ME TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LIKE YOU? 41 00:02:45,232 --> 00:02:47,165 MAYBE A LITTLE. 42 00:02:47,234 --> 00:02:49,501 I REALLY DO, SAM. 43 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:53,639 YOU'RE INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL, AND YOU'RE FUNNY. 44 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:57,476 AND I LOVE YOUR TASTE IN ART. 45 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:03,815 WELL, I MAY BE A ROMANCE GEEK, BUT, 46 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:07,285 AT LEAST I HAVE AN HONEST BOYFRIEND. 47 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:22,834 DO YOU HAVE A ROUGH TIME FRAME FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO SHOW ME YOU REALLY LIKE ME? 48 00:03:31,244 --> 00:03:33,378 ♪ THINK IT OVER ONCE OR TWICE 49 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:36,047 ♪ WHAT LASTS THE LONGEST IN THIS LIFE 50 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:40,719 ♪ CHARACTER OR ROCK-HARD THIGHS 51 00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,921 ♪ IN THE END DO YOU BELIEVE 52 00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,923 ♪ THAT BEAUTY LIES IN WHAT YOU SEE 53 00:03:44,991 --> 00:03:47,058 ♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DO THEN BABY 54 00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:48,827 ♪ YOU'VE BEEN DECEIVED 55 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,963 ♪ WELL ME AND B 56 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:54,599 ♪ WE HATE SUPERMODELS 57 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:04,175 ♪ IT'S JUST THAT I'M TIRED OF BEING COMPARED ♪ 58 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:14,219 ♪ IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS 59 00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:18,389 ♪ IT CAN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS 60 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:22,694 ♪ AND IF IT GETS BETTER THAN THIS 61 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,863 ♪ I DON'T WANT TO KNOW 62 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:28,800 ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH I DON'T WANT TO KNOW 63 00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,871 ♪ I DON'T WANT TO KNOW 64 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:54,493 TODAY, WE HAVE THE PLEASURE OF WELCOMING HARRISON BACK FROM DEATH'S DOORSTEP. 65 00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:56,561 HIS NOBLE FIGHT AGAINST LEUKEMIA 66 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:59,063 SHOULD BE AN INSPIRATION TO EVERY ONE OF US. 67 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:02,901 MOVING ON. 68 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:07,606 WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING ACTIVITIES CANNOT RESULT IN SYPHILIS? 69 00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:09,140 A: VAGINAL SEX 70 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:11,910 B: ORAL SEX C: SHARING A JOYSTICK 71 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:14,312 [SAM] IS THAT A QUESTION, OR HER CHRISTMAS LIST? 72 00:05:14,381 --> 00:05:16,447 GLAD YOU'RE AMUSED. TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT. 73 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,350 I KNOW MISS McPHERSON'S COUNTING ON YOU. 74 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,787 UH... 75 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:24,956 [ANNOUNCER] LET'S PLAY WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? 76 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,827 OKAY. 77 00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:35,166 WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT YOU CAN GET IT FROM DIFFERENT KINDS OF SEX, 78 00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:39,037 SO I'M GOING TO SAY "C". 79 00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:40,572 IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER? 80 00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:45,710 - CHERRY, THROW HIM A LIFELINE. - THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "A". 81 00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:49,147 - VAGINAL SEX. - [MISS GLASS] NO, IT'S "C." 82 00:05:49,215 --> 00:05:53,484 THE PAINFUL TRUTH IS, YOUR GENERATION IS AN STD BOMB WAITING TO GO OFF. 83 00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:58,590 EVERY YEAR I MAKE THIS PLEA, AND EVERY YEAR IT FALLS ON DEAF EARS, 84 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:03,795 OR WORSE, EARS THAT ARE TOO BUSY BEING PROBED BY SOFT, ADOLESCENT TONGUES 85 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,964 TO LISTEN TO REASON. 86 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:09,701 THAT'S WHY, IN HONOR OF NATIONAL SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE WEEK, 87 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:11,269 I'VE WRITTEN A PLAY. 88 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,911 "THAT BURNING SENSATION: A CAUTIONARY TALE". 89 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,914 - EW. - LEARN YOUR PARTS, PEOPLE. 90 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:25,316 WE OPEN FOR KINDERGARTENERS OF 91 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:29,387 THE CAROLINE KENNEDY SCHLOSSBERG GRADE SCHOOL ON FRIDAY. 92 00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:31,690 GOTTA GET THEM WHILE THEY'RE YOUNG. 93 00:06:31,758 --> 00:06:34,993 [SUGAR] I THOUGHT THIS WAS CHEM. WHAT IF WE DON'T WANT TO DO IT? 94 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:38,897 THEN YOU'RE FREE TO GO... TO "F TOWN," AND I DON'T MEAN "FUNKY". 95 00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:41,466 KIDS, IF THIS PLAY LEADS ME TOWARDS 96 00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:44,703 A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT TONY AWARD, 97 00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:48,740 AND EVEN ONE OF YOU RANDY COUPLES TOWARDS ABSTINENCE, 98 00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:52,210 I'LL BE TICKLED PINK AND PLEASED AS PUNCH. 99 00:06:52,278 --> 00:06:54,645 NOW, TO THE ASSIGNING OF THE DISEASES. 100 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:57,481 AUSTIN, YOU'LL BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF CHLAMYDIA. 101 00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,350 ESPOSITO, YOU'RE GONORRHEA, 102 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,286 - TUNA, YOU'RE SYPHILIS. - YES! 103 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,855 FORD AND BERNARDINO, YOU'LL BE MY WORRISOME WARTS, 104 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:08,427 - CHERRY, JULIAN, MY CRABS. - SIR, I'M CONFUSED. 105 00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:12,196 - WE'RE PLAYING ACTUAL DISEASES? - CLEVER, ISN'T IT, MISS McQUEEN? 106 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,367 NATURALLY, YOU'LL BE THE QUEEN OF ALL INFLAMMATION, HERPES. 107 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:20,071 McPHERSON, I'VE WRITTEN THE WHORE PART WITH YOU IN MIND. 108 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,907 BUT I WON'T LIE. I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR RANGE. 109 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,944 [HARRISON] LOOKS LIKE I'VE BEEN SPARED. TWICE IN ONE YEAR. 110 00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:27,746 NOT SO FAST, MIRACLE MAN. 111 00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:31,082 YOU'LL PLAY THE MOST IMPORTANT ROLE, HOPE HIMSELF, THE LONELY VIRGIN. 112 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:41,059 - DO YOU KNOW HOW FATTENING THAT IS? - I'M NOT GONNA EAT IT. 113 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:45,496 I'M JUST STUDYING ITS MOVEMENTS SO WE CAN STEAL THE SHOW AT THE FESTIVAL. 114 00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:47,566 YOU NEED TO GO BACK ON YOUR MEDICATION. 115 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,935 I KNOW. I'M ALL A-TWITTER. 116 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:53,237 I FIND IT SHOCKING THAT THESE SEA-SWIMMING FELLAS CAN TURN NASTY 117 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,940 AND ROOT AROUND IN MY LA PERLA LADY DRAWERS. 118 00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:59,310 MARY CHERRY, WE'VE BEEN CAST AS PEDICULOSIS PUBIS, 119 00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:01,345 NOT FRESHWATER CRABS. 120 00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:05,050 SO YOU CAN'T GET THESE FROM UNPROTECTED SEX? 121 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,986 NOT UNLESS YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF WEIRD PIRATE FETISH. 122 00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,621 THE CRABS WE'LL BE PLAYING ARE MILLIMETER-SIZED, 123 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,891 INFEST THE PUBIC HAIR AND FEED ON BLOOD. 124 00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:16,928 YOU GET IT FROM BEDDING, CLOTHING, TOILET SEATS, AND DIRECT SEXUAL CONTACT. 125 00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:19,363 - REALLY? - MM-HM. 126 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:23,902 DANG! SO MUCH FOR MY RESEARCH RESERVATIONS AT THE RED LOBSTER. 127 00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:30,041 IF I HAVE TO BE AN STD, WHY CAN'T I BE MORE NORTH OF THE EQUATOR? 128 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,976 SUG, PLEASE, WE'RE TRYING TO EAT HERE. 129 00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:37,649 [APRIL] VIRGIN. 130 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,053 MISS GLASS' PLAY MAY BE INSANE, 131 00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:44,889 BUT THIS CREEPY-CRAWLY STUFF CAN GET UNDER A GUY'S SKIN. 132 00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,858 - I'M PARANOID. - I'VE GOT NO WORRIES. 133 00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:49,994 LILY AND I ARE WAITING, AND THE ONLY OTHER GIRL WAS BROOKE, 134 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:53,064 - AND SHE'S CLEAN. - WHAT ABOUT NICOLE? 135 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:56,167 - MAYBE I DO NEED TO GET TESTED. - [SUGAR] I KNOW I'M COOL, 136 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:59,404 'CAUSE WHEN I GAVE IT UP, I WORE A FULL-ON RAIN HAT, 137 00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:02,373 AND SHE STILL MADE ME GET TESTED. TWICE. 138 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:06,745 WHAT ABOUT YOU, GEORGE? YOU AND McPHERSON CROSS THAT BRIDGE? 139 00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:09,380 - I'LL NEVER TELL. - YEAH. 140 00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:13,217 WHAT ABOUT YOU, HARRISON? 141 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:16,387 WHAT? ME AND SAM? 142 00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:19,724 - WE'RE JUST GOOD FRIENDS. - [JOSH] AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH? 143 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,693 HARRISON'S GOT THE BEST GIG OF ALL. 144 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:24,095 THE LADIES TREAT HIM LIKE ONE OF THEIR OWN. 145 00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:28,066 - WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? - THE WAY YOU DIAL DOWN THE THREAT. 146 00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,368 GET IN UNDER THE RADAR. 147 00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:33,872 I DO MORE THAN JUST HANG OUT WITH THESE GIRLS. 148 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,875 YO. YOU SECRETLY PARTY WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE? 149 00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:40,644 - YO, YOU A DOG. - MAYBE I DO. 150 00:09:40,713 --> 00:09:42,681 I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE IN THE BIG LEAGUE. 151 00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,683 I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOWN IN THE PEE WEES. 152 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,350 YOU KNOW, "DIVISION V". 153 00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:52,523 I'M GETTING AROUND TO IT. BEEN A LITTLE PREOCCUPIED LATELY. 154 00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:56,995 - THAT WAS COLD. - DAMN, SUG. 155 00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:59,797 WHY YOU GOTTA GO AT HIM LIKE THAT? YOU KNOW HE'S A NEWBIE. 156 00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:02,500 - MY BAD. - [JOSH] NOW WE'VE GOT TO MAKE IT RIGHT. 157 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:05,804 HARRISON'S BEEN THROUGH HELL. 158 00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:08,439 I KNOW. LET'S GIVE HIM A PROFESSIONAL. 159 00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:11,476 YOU KNOW, AN ESCORT TO HELP HIM CROSS THE GREAT DIVIDE. 160 00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:12,944 A DEVIRGINIZER. 161 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:17,682 - SOMEONE LIKE CANDY BOX? - GOOD CALL, GEORGIE. 162 00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:22,420 I DON'T KNOW. HARRISON DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A TYPICAL CANDY BOX CLIENT. 163 00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:24,588 OKAY. WHO THE HELL'S CANDY BOX? 164 00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:27,258 DUDE. SHE'S A HOOKER, JOSH. 165 00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,994 A HOOKER, HUH? 166 00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:32,063 [CLEARS THROAT] 167 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,332 BROOKE, HELP. 168 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,499 [MOANS] 169 00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:36,901 THE WINDOW WAS AJAR. 170 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:40,504 - IS GEORGE SNEAKING IN AGAIN? - I DON'T THINK SO. 171 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,709 OUR "NIGHT OF 1000 FIRSTS" KIND OF BACKFIRED. 172 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:49,848 - DID YOU BREAK UP? - NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT. 173 00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:54,418 HE JUST WANTS TO TAKE THINGS SLOW. 174 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:57,155 OR, MAYBE, 175 00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,624 HE JUST WANTS TO WAIT. 176 00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:03,494 LOOK, SAM,... 177 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,230 I WISH I HAD. 178 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:08,933 I MEAN, ONCE YOU GIVE IT AWAY,... 179 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,801 YOU CAN'T EVER GET IT BACK. 180 00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:13,872 I KNOW THAT. 181 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:17,008 THEN WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A HURRY TO LOSE IT? 182 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:21,046 - USUALLY YOU'RE SO CAREFUL AND SO... - SO PRIM? 183 00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:25,783 THAT IS JUST THE THING. I AM TIRED OF THAT REP. 184 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:28,687 I JUST WANT TO BE SEXY. 185 00:11:29,789 --> 00:11:31,289 NO. 186 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:34,893 YOU JUST WANT HIM TO THINK YOU'RE SEXY. 187 00:11:34,961 --> 00:11:37,295 IT'S AN EGO THING. 188 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:40,264 THEY HAVE A LAMAZE CLASS TO TEACH YOU HOW TO BIRTH. 189 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:45,303 YOU'D THINK THEY COULD FORM A SEX CLASS THAT'S ACTUALLY INSTRUCTIONAL, 190 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:49,774 THAT SHOWS A GIRL WHAT A GUY WANTS. SO WE'D KNOW, YOU KNOW? 191 00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:54,079 SO, YOU MEAN, LIKE, CLASSES, 192 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:57,215 - WITH ACTUAL VIDEOS? - YES. 193 00:11:57,284 --> 00:12:01,252 I THINK I KNOW WHERE I CAN GET ONE OF THOSE VIDEOS. 194 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,724 [MAN ON TV] THAT'S A LOT OF STRAW TO SPIN INTO GOLD. 195 00:12:05,792 --> 00:12:07,892 YOU'RE ONE DEMANDING MILLER'S DAUGHTER. 196 00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:11,062 [WOMAN] QUIT YOUR YAPPIN' AND START SPINNIN'. 197 00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,065 BUT FIRST, SPIN THIS. 198 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,567 OOH, WHAT IS SHE THINKING? 199 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,469 HE'S A MIDGET. 200 00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:20,638 SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE. 201 00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:23,074 THE KING'S HAD HER LOCKED IN THERE FOR MONTHS. 202 00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,209 OH, STOP. 203 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,681 [SQUEALS] I CAN'T BELIEVE 204 00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:34,418 MIKE HAS A COPY OF RUMPLESTILTSKIN: TRIPLE X. 205 00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:37,621 - WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT? - IN THE GARAGE BEHIND HIS TOOL SET. 206 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,859 IT'S OBVIOUSLY A LEFTOVER FROM HIS LONELY BACHELOR DAYS. 207 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:46,464 OKAY. BROOKE, WHAT, EXACTLY, AM I SUPPOSED TO GET FROM ALL THIS? 208 00:12:46,532 --> 00:12:49,667 THAT WOMEN IN THE MIDDLE AGES COULD BE VERY DEMANDING? 209 00:12:49,735 --> 00:12:51,902 NO. 210 00:12:51,971 --> 00:12:54,305 THAT IF A GIRL WANTS SOMETHING, 211 00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:57,175 MAYBE SOMETIMES SHE HAS TO BE A LITTLE MORE... 212 00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:59,944 - OFFENSIVE. - AGGRESSIVE. 213 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:03,481 YOU'VE GOT TO BE IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT, AND DON'T LET HIM THINK, 214 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,516 OR HE'LL JUST LOSE HIS NERVE. 215 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,789 HARRISON, WAIT UP. 216 00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:15,226 HARRISON, LISTEN. WE FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT THE OTHER DAY, MAN. 217 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,561 WE HAD NO RIGHT DISSING YOUR MANHOOD. 218 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,563 AND TO MAKE UP FOR OUR INSENSITIVITY, 219 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:24,468 WELL, WE CHIPPED IN AND BOUGHT YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL. 220 00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,504 [BOTH YELL] 221 00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:30,608 THANKS. 222 00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:39,884 - WHAT IS ALL THIS? - DON'T FORGET TO READ THE CERTIFICATE. 223 00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,953 - "SKANK OFF"? - YEAH. 224 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,823 "GOOD FOR ONE NIGHT OF ECSTASY." 225 00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:49,127 - WHO'S CANDY BOX? - ASK HER YOURSELF, BRO. 226 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:51,529 JUST CALL HER PAGER AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT. 227 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,564 YOU GUYS BOUGHT ME A HOOKER? 228 00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:54,799 YEAH. 229 00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,935 THANKS FOR THE PITY. I DON'T NEED HELP. 230 00:13:57,003 --> 00:14:00,138 - ARE YOU SURE? - DON'T LOOK A GIFT WHORE IN THE MOUTH. 231 00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:02,941 WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? I CAN'T LOSE IT ON MY OWN? 232 00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:06,344 HARRISON, WE WERE JUST BETTING THAT YOU COULD USE HELP, THAT'S ALL. 233 00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:10,181 I MAY BE A VIRGIN, BUT NOT FOR LONG. 234 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:13,484 BY THE END OF THIS WEEK, I'LL BET YOU GUYS I'LL LOSE IT. 235 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,819 I WAS HELPING YOU EXPERIENCE LIFE'S DELIGHTS. 236 00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:19,924 WELL, I WILL. ON MY OWN ACCORD. BY FRIDAY. 237 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:24,262 AND WHEN I LOSE IT, IT WON'T BE BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE IS PICKING UP THE TAB. 238 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:32,203 [MISS GLASS] MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, ACTORS? 239 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:34,672 BEFORE WE BEGIN TODAY'S REHEARSAL, GOOD NEWS. 240 00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:37,175 IRVING HANDELMAN, GODFATHER OF DINNER THEATER, 241 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:40,010 THE MAN THAT BROUGHT OH! CALCUTTA! TO HOOLIHANS, 242 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:43,147 HAS AGREED TO ATTEND OUR PREMIER. 243 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,482 [WHOOPING] 244 00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,784 PEOPLE, WORK WITH ME. WE'RE LOSING THE LIGHT. 245 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:50,989 PLACES, EVERYONE. 246 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,023 [FEEDBACK] 247 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:56,460 YOU ARE DEEP IN THE HARDWOOD FOREST, 248 00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:59,297 69 MILES FROM CIVILIZATION... 249 00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:03,701 MR. FORD, KINDLY REFRAIN FROM COMMINGLING WITH GONORRHEA. 250 00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:06,404 GENITAL WARTS DO NOT BEHAVE THAT WAY. 251 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:09,073 - HOW DO THEY BEHAVE? - LOOK IT UP! 252 00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:13,877 THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU. PEOPLE, RESEARCH YOUR ROLES. 253 00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:16,980 DISCOVER WHO YOUR CHARACTERS REALLY ARE. 254 00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:21,352 IF YOU WANT TO PLAY IT WITH CONVICTION, YOU MUST BECOME THE AFFLICTION. 255 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:24,988 EVERYONE SHOULD LEARN SOMETHING NEW BY NEXT TIME. 256 00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:27,392 EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR MR. JOHN. 257 00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,328 [LAUGHING] 258 00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,805 - HEY, NICOLE, YOU GOT A SEC? - YEAH. 259 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:45,243 I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO PROPERLY THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID FOR ME. 260 00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:47,745 DON'T MENTION IT, AND DON'T GET MUSHY. 261 00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:51,349 WHAT'S BONE MARROW BETWEEN OPPOSITES FROM DIFFERENT SOCIAL SPHERES? 262 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,318 WELL, YOU SAVED MY LIFE, 263 00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:57,020 AND I WANT TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION, 264 00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:59,790 AND MAYBE A LITTLE MORE. 265 00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:02,827 WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND? I HAVE ALL THE POKEMON CARDS I NEED. 266 00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:04,829 RIGHT. 267 00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:08,099 I WAS JUST THINKING, 268 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:10,568 THAT SINCE WE WERE A MARROW MATCH, 269 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:14,205 THAT MAYBE WE COULD EXPAND OUR SHARING REPERTOIRE 270 00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:16,907 AND SEE IF WE ALSO MATCH 271 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:20,178 IN OTHER AREAS. 272 00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:31,722 WHAT'S SO FUNNY, NICOLE? 273 00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:34,858 YOU. 274 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:39,597 ARE YOU ASKING ME TO BREAK YOU OUT OF THE FRIENDS OF THE HAND CLUB? 275 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,134 YEAH. 276 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:46,203 - THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKING. - OKAY. 277 00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:50,308 WELL, I HAVE TO SAY THAT I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY, 278 00:16:50,376 --> 00:16:52,443 BUT ANSWER ME THIS: 279 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:56,947 WHY CHOOSE MOI FOR THIS SPECIAL HONOR? 280 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,816 WELL, BECAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. 281 00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:02,185 AND SEXY. 282 00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:05,123 I ALREADY MENTIONED THE THING ABOUT THE BONE MARROW, SO, 283 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:09,427 IN A WAY, WE'VE ALREADY EXCHANGED BODILY FLUIDS, RIGHT? 284 00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:12,963 THAT'S SWEET. 285 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,865 GO ON. 286 00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:18,836 YOU KNOW, IF THIS IS YOUR VERSION OF FOREPLAY, IT'S WORKING. 287 00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:23,741 YOU'RE NOT SO DISCRIMINATING, 288 00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:26,777 AND I HEARD THAT YOU DO IT WITH A LOT OF GUYS... 289 00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:30,148 - THAT CAME OUT WRONG. - YOU KNOW, HARRISON, 290 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,182 - I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU OUT. - YOU WOULD? 291 00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:36,220 YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M BOOKED FOR WEEKS. 292 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:39,723 I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE 2.5 SECONDS THAT IT WILL TAKE YOU WHEN YOU DO IT. 293 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:43,226 IT'S A PITY, BECAUSE I'D LOVE TO BE THERE WHEN THAT LADY GETS A LOAD 294 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:46,864 OF YOUR UNDERPRIVILEGED REFINE AND THEN LAUGHS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. 295 00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:56,907 [GEORGE] "THE SYMPTOMS CAN BE MILD, OR INVISIBLE." 296 00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:58,943 "SO, SEXUALLY ACTIVE PEOPLE..." 297 00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:03,347 [BROOKE] IF A GIRL WANTS SOMETHING, SHE HAS TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE. 298 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:06,316 [♪ ROCK MUSIC] 299 00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:14,157 I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD SNUB ME. 300 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:19,397 ARE WE REHEARSING OR ARE YOU GONNA KICK MY ASS? 301 00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:24,167 - THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT. - I WANT YOU, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. 302 00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:26,737 WE'RE IN YOUR KITCHEN. YOUR MOTHER'S UPSTAIRS. 303 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:29,773 SHE'S TOO NAUSEOUS TO MOVE. YOU WANT PRIVACY? 304 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,809 ALL RIGHT. 305 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,579 GREAT. 306 00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:37,881 WAIT, SAM. WHOA. TIME-OUT. 307 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,084 - WHAT'S GOING ON? - I'M BEING AGGRESSIVE. 308 00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,954 LOOK, SAM, I WANT YOU TOO. 309 00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:46,524 BUT NOT LIKE THIS. YOU'RE SCARING ME HERE. 310 00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:52,430 GREAT. NOW I'VE GONE FROM NOT SEXY TO SCARY. 311 00:18:52,498 --> 00:18:55,433 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU'RE INCREDIBLY SEXY. 312 00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:59,537 YOU ARE. 313 00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:04,241 I MAY NOT BE THE FASTEST GUY IN THE WORLD, 314 00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:09,514 BUT IT'S JUST BECAUSE I WANT OUR FIRST TIME TO BE EMOTIONAL. 315 00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:11,415 I GUESS I'M A ROMANCE GEEK TOO. 316 00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:16,621 HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY? 317 00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:19,122 WE'RE BOTH BIG VS, AND YOU'RE SO SWEET. 318 00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:20,458 NOT TOO SWEET. 319 00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:22,927 WHEN THE TIME COMES, I THINK THE OCCASIONAL GAME 320 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,463 OF FORCEFUL LAUNDRESS COULD BE FUN. 321 00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:29,900 LOOK, I'VE GOT AN IDEA. 322 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:32,336 LET'S PICK A DATE. METICULOUSLY PLAN FOR IT 323 00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:35,072 UNTIL WE'VE KILLED ANY POSSIBILITY OF SPONTANEITY. 324 00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:38,342 - THEN DO IT THE NEXT DAY. - HOW ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY AND SUNDAY? 325 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:42,279 YOU'RE ON. 326 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:45,816 DON'T MIND ME. YOUR MOTHER JUST SPIT UP ON HER STRETCHY PANTS AGAIN. 327 00:19:49,221 --> 00:19:50,555 WHAT'S GOING ON? 328 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:54,192 - SHE'S FLUFFING. - AND HE'S FOLDING. 329 00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:01,632 BARRY GOES TO THE ANIMAL HOSPITAL? BOTTOM LINE, THEY'RE SCRUBS. 330 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:05,202 I KNOW, BUT I MUST PROTECT MYSELF FROM THOSE ICKY PUBIC VERMIN. 331 00:20:05,271 --> 00:20:06,570 [SIGHS] 332 00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:09,172 OKAY, GREAT. THANKS, HARRIS. DID YOU GET THEM ALL? 333 00:20:09,241 --> 00:20:11,442 - OKAY. BYE-BYE. - HI. 334 00:20:11,511 --> 00:20:15,245 - WHO ARE THE BOYS IN UNIFORM? - THEY'RE FROM BEVERLY HILLS PEST. 335 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,114 I HAD THEM DO A ONCE-OVER THE PLACE, 336 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:20,450 SO THAT THIS LADY'S PRIVATES COULD REMAIN CLEAN AS A WHISTLE. 337 00:20:25,090 --> 00:20:28,526 ACCORDING TO SHOCKING INFORMATION GLEANED DURING A PERUSAL 338 00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:31,028 OF THE UROLOGY CHANNEL, THE AVERAGE LADY CRAB 339 00:20:31,096 --> 00:20:33,364 LAYS TWO TO THREE EGGS DAILY. 340 00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:37,801 THEY FASTEN TO SHAFTS OF BODY HAIR, AND CAN HATCH INTO NITS WITHIN A WEEK. 341 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:40,738 MARY CHERRY, YOU'RE BECOMING PARA-NNOYING. 342 00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:43,541 IN AN AGE OF SEXUAL MISINFORMATION AND LIES, 343 00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:45,676 IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE. 344 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,177 TRUST NO ONE. 345 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,313 NO ONE IS HONEST. 346 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:52,049 HI. I HAVE GONORRHEA. 347 00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:54,017 I... HAVE GONORRHEA. 348 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:57,387 HEY, LILY, YOU WANT TO KEEP IT DOWN JUST A LITTLE BIT? 349 00:20:57,457 --> 00:21:01,692 BESIDES, YOU DON'T HAVE GONORRHEA. YOU ARE GONORRHEA. 350 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:05,062 I KNOW THAT, BUT I CAN'T TELL THE DOCTOR I'M IN A CLASS PLAY. 351 00:21:05,130 --> 00:21:08,265 HE WON'T GET IT. THAT WAY, I GET ALL THE INFO AND CAN GO METHOD. 352 00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:10,634 LIKE MERYL STREEP. 353 00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:12,403 GET IT? 354 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:13,604 NO. 355 00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:17,741 LOOK, IF YOU WANT ME TO GET THE STD PANEL, 356 00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:20,611 YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE DO IT, I'M TOTALLY WILLING. 357 00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:23,881 HONESTY IS SEXY. 358 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:26,950 AND I THINK THAT GETTING TESTED 359 00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:31,121 IS THE MOST NOBLE, RESPECTFUL THING 360 00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:36,093 A GUY WITH A CHECKERED PAST FULL OF CHEAP, IRRESPONSIBLE MISTAKES 361 00:21:36,161 --> 00:21:37,961 AND CASUAL NEGLIGENCE CAN MAKE. 362 00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:42,099 THE ONLY PART OF THE STD PANEL THAT'S EVEN REMOTELY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR A GUY. 363 00:21:42,167 --> 00:21:46,404 - IS THE CHLAMYDIA TEST. - YEAH? HOW DO THEY TEST FOR THAT? 364 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:50,107 WELL, FIRST THE DOCTOR INSERTS HIS FINGER IN YOUR RECTUM, 365 00:21:50,175 --> 00:21:53,577 - AND PRESSES ON YOUR PROSTATE, THEN... - HEY. 366 00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:56,580 GEORGE. HEY. 367 00:21:58,351 --> 00:22:00,685 I THINK WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IS GREAT. 368 00:22:00,753 --> 00:22:03,954 - YEAH. WELL, GOOD LUCK. - YEAH, YOU TOO. 369 00:22:04,023 --> 00:22:08,559 JOSH FORD, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR CHLAMYDIA TEST. 370 00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:17,401 - HEY. - HELLO, SAM SAM. 371 00:22:17,470 --> 00:22:21,739 WE'RE SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WITH OUR BOYFRIENDS, I NEVER SEE YOU ANYMORE. 372 00:22:21,807 --> 00:22:25,042 YEAH, I KNOW. I FEEL THE SAME WAY. 373 00:22:25,110 --> 00:22:27,811 SO, I GUESS CONGRATS ARE IN ORDER. 374 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,981 I DIDN'T KNOW YOU AND GEORGE WERE SO FAR ALONG. 375 00:22:31,050 --> 00:22:33,851 YEAH. DID GEORGE TELL YOU THAT? 376 00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:37,121 NO. I RAN INTO HIM AT THE STD CLINIC. 377 00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,322 JOSH WAS GETTING TESTED TOO. 378 00:22:39,391 --> 00:22:43,627 WHY WOULD GEORGE GET TESTED? HE'S NEVER BEEN WITH ANYBODY BEFORE. 379 00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:47,998 OH, WELL, HE COULD HAVE BEEN GETTING TESTED FOR ANYTHING. 380 00:22:48,067 --> 00:22:50,333 AT AN STD CLINIC? 381 00:22:50,402 --> 00:22:53,904 I'M SURE THERE'S AN EXPLANATION. 382 00:22:53,973 --> 00:22:55,673 YEAH, WELL, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT. 383 00:22:55,741 --> 00:22:58,476 [BELL RINGS] 384 00:22:58,544 --> 00:23:01,579 AND THE FACT THAT OUR MOTHERS ARE BOTH SINGLE-MOM LESBIANS, 385 00:23:01,647 --> 00:23:03,213 MAKES IT A WIN-WIN. 386 00:23:03,282 --> 00:23:05,415 WHAT DO YOU SAY? 387 00:23:05,484 --> 00:23:07,751 THANK YOU. I DESERVED THAT. 388 00:23:07,820 --> 00:23:10,554 TODAY COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, 389 00:23:10,623 --> 00:23:12,923 REMISSION MAN. 390 00:23:12,992 --> 00:23:15,558 WHAT DO YOU WANT, APRIL? WHAT IS THAT? 391 00:23:15,628 --> 00:23:19,229 IT'S THE KEY TO MY VIRTUE AND COMPLEXITY. 392 00:23:19,298 --> 00:23:22,199 OH, MY GOD. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? 393 00:23:22,267 --> 00:23:24,067 IT'S AN ELECTRONIC CHASTITY BELT. 394 00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:26,436 MY MOTHER HAD IT INSTALLED WHEN I WAS 12. 395 00:23:26,506 --> 00:23:29,707 THERE ARE ONLY TWO KEYS IN THE WORLD. I STOLE ONE FOR YOU. 396 00:23:30,475 --> 00:23:32,543 WANT TO TAKE A SWIPE? 397 00:23:36,148 --> 00:23:39,016 NO. I CAN'T DO THAT. 398 00:23:41,854 --> 00:23:45,188 FOOL. YOU JUST PASSED UP THE ONLY CHANCE YOU'LL EVER GET. 399 00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:48,192 YOU'LL NEVER LOSE IT. LOSER. 400 00:23:50,562 --> 00:23:51,896 EXCUSE ME. 401 00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:56,666 LATER. 402 00:23:56,736 --> 00:23:59,236 - DID YOU LIE TO ME? - HELLO TO YOU TOO, SAM. 403 00:23:59,304 --> 00:24:02,840 WHY WOULD YOU NEED AN STD TEST IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN WITH SOMEONE BEFORE? 404 00:24:02,908 --> 00:24:04,642 UNLESS YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN. 405 00:24:04,710 --> 00:24:08,345 ACTUALLY, I NEVER SAID I WAS A VIRGIN. I SAID I WAS IN VIRGIN TERRITORY. 406 00:24:08,414 --> 00:24:12,015 WHO ARE YOU, BILL CLINTON? SPARE ME THE LINGUISTIC BACK FLIPS. 407 00:24:12,084 --> 00:24:15,219 WHY WAS I LED TO BELIEVE I WAS GONNA BE YOUR FIRST? 408 00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:16,954 CORRECTION. MISLED. 409 00:24:17,022 --> 00:24:18,656 LOOK, SAM, I'M SORRY. 410 00:24:18,724 --> 00:24:21,492 THAT NIGHT IN YOUR ROOM, YOU'D GONE TO SO MUCH TROUBLE, 411 00:24:21,561 --> 00:24:23,326 I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO RUIN IT. 412 00:24:23,395 --> 00:24:26,263 I MEAN, HONESTY WOULD HAVE KILLED THE INTIMACY. 413 00:24:26,332 --> 00:24:29,166 DISHONESTY IS KILLING THE INTIMACY NOW. 414 00:24:31,403 --> 00:24:32,803 OKAY, THE TRUTH. 415 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:38,909 NO, TECHNICALLY, I'M NOT A VIRGIN. 416 00:24:38,978 --> 00:24:42,780 LOOK, BEFORE I LEFT MY OLD SCHOOL, THE GUYS FROM THE TEAM 417 00:24:42,848 --> 00:24:45,149 TOOK ME OUT FOR THIS BIG SEND-OFF. 418 00:24:45,217 --> 00:24:47,217 I GOT REALLY DRUNK, 419 00:24:47,286 --> 00:24:50,453 AND I MET THIS OLDER GIRL. 420 00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:54,191 WHO WAS SHE? 421 00:24:55,861 --> 00:24:58,528 HONESTLY, I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HER NAME. 422 00:24:58,597 --> 00:25:02,966 THE NEXT DAY, I PIECED TOGETHER WHAT HAD HAPPENED, 423 00:25:03,035 --> 00:25:05,435 AND I REALIZED WHAT I LOST. 424 00:25:05,504 --> 00:25:09,673 AND NOT JUST MY VIRGINITY, BUT THE OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE IT UP FOR REAL. 425 00:25:09,742 --> 00:25:13,243 THE WAY I WANTED IT TO BE WITH YOU. 426 00:25:13,312 --> 00:25:16,013 WELL, THAT'S NOT HAPPENING. 427 00:25:16,081 --> 00:25:17,781 DID YOU WEAR A CONDOM? 428 00:25:21,386 --> 00:25:25,188 I'D LOVE TO SAY YES, THIS BEING STD WEEK AND ALL, 429 00:25:25,257 --> 00:25:27,658 BUT THE TRUTH IS, I DON'T KNOW. 430 00:25:28,895 --> 00:25:31,061 I WANTED TO BE ABSOLUTELY SURE FOR YOU. 431 00:25:31,130 --> 00:25:33,997 AND THAT'S WHY I RAN INTO JOSH AND LILY. 432 00:25:34,066 --> 00:25:37,267 WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME, GEORGE. 433 00:25:46,612 --> 00:25:49,880 [HARRISON] JOSH. JOSH, I, UH... 434 00:25:49,949 --> 00:25:53,283 I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT CANDY. I WANT TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER. 435 00:25:53,352 --> 00:25:56,153 DO YOU HAVE THE CERTIFICATE? 436 00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:58,121 NOT ON ME, BUT I'LL BRING IT TOMORROW. 437 00:25:58,190 --> 00:25:59,622 - HEY, GUYS. - HEY. 438 00:25:59,691 --> 00:26:01,258 - WHAT'S UP? - NOTHING. 439 00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:06,229 I GOTTA RUN. I GOTTA GO CRAM FOR THAT IMMINENT POP QUIZ. 440 00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:10,568 WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK ABOUT A CERTIFICATE? 441 00:26:10,636 --> 00:26:13,737 UH... 442 00:26:13,806 --> 00:26:16,774 - YOU THINK HONESTY IS SEXY, RIGHT? - RIGHT. 443 00:26:20,479 --> 00:26:22,345 WE BOUGHT HARRISON A PROSTITUTE. 444 00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:26,249 WE WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE TO HELP HIM CELEBRATE HIS RECOVERY. 445 00:26:26,318 --> 00:26:28,251 - NICE? - YEAH. 446 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,420 YOU THINK IT'S NICE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE 447 00:26:30,489 --> 00:26:33,156 OF SOME POOR, MISGUIDED SOUL WHO'S SELLING HER BODY 448 00:26:33,225 --> 00:26:35,325 TO FEED HER CHILDREN OR PETS? 449 00:26:35,394 --> 00:26:37,160 NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT. 450 00:26:37,229 --> 00:26:40,597 CANDY BOX IS A SEASONED PRO WITH HER OWN AD CAMPAIGN. 451 00:26:40,666 --> 00:26:44,101 - SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING. - CAN'T YOU SEE HOW DEGRADING THIS IS? 452 00:26:44,169 --> 00:26:48,138 IT'S NOT MY PLACE TO TELL ANY WOMAN WHAT SHE CAN OR CANNOT DO WITH HER OWN BODY. 453 00:26:48,207 --> 00:26:52,675 - THAT'S A REPUBLICAN'S JOB. - I'LL SLEEP WITH HARRISON MYSELF. 454 00:26:52,744 --> 00:26:54,711 - SAY WHAT? - FOR FREE. 455 00:26:54,780 --> 00:26:57,347 OH, LILY, COME ON. 456 00:26:57,416 --> 00:26:59,149 [JOSH] COME ON, WAIT. 457 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:02,920 FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT. 458 00:27:02,988 --> 00:27:07,590 ♪ YOU CAN'T RESIST A LADY OF THE NIGHT, MY DEAR 459 00:27:07,660 --> 00:27:12,395 ♪ IT ISN'T WORTH A STRUGGLE OR A FIGHT, MY DEAR 460 00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:15,065 ♪ IF YOU'RE BURNING WITH THE FIRE 461 00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:17,200 ♪ OF A SINNER'S HOT DESIRE 462 00:27:17,269 --> 00:27:22,105 ♪ WHAT THE HELL, YOU MAY AS WELL COME RUN WITH US 463 00:27:22,174 --> 00:27:24,975 ♪ JUST BLOW A LITTLE KISS TO LADY SYPHILIS 464 00:27:25,044 --> 00:27:27,845 ♪ WITH ANY LUCK, SHE'LL BLOW YOU ONE BACK 465 00:27:27,913 --> 00:27:30,413 ♪ SHE'S SO SLICK AND SLY, LOOK HER IN THE EYE 466 00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:32,883 ♪ YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT'S CREPT INTO YOUR... 467 00:27:32,952 --> 00:27:35,819 ♪ IF INFERTILITY KILLS YOUR VIRILITY 468 00:27:35,888 --> 00:27:38,421 ♪ YOU MAY HAVE SLEPT WITH SWEET CHLAMYDIA 469 00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:41,524 ♪ AND YOUR VENEREAL ZONE IS NOW BACTERIA PRONE 470 00:27:41,593 --> 00:27:44,094 ♪ TILL YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER 471 00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:46,496 ♪ GONORRHEA IS OH, SO ENCHANTING 472 00:27:46,565 --> 00:27:49,800 ♪ NEVER WONDER WHY IT HURTS SO MUCH TO PEE 473 00:27:49,869 --> 00:27:52,402 ♪ AND HERPES MAY BE SORE, BUT SHE'S HARDLY A BORE 474 00:27:52,471 --> 00:27:55,005 ♪ AND SHE WILL STAY WITH YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY 475 00:27:55,074 --> 00:27:57,675 ♪ DARLING, DON'T PUT UP A FIGHT 476 00:27:57,743 --> 00:28:03,413 ♪ YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T RESIST A LADY OF THE NIGHT 477 00:28:03,482 --> 00:28:04,547 ♪ YEAH ♪ 478 00:28:06,718 --> 00:28:10,253 ONE TINY, LITTLE EENSY-BEENSY PROBLEM. 479 00:28:10,322 --> 00:28:12,355 THIS IS A DRESS TECH. 480 00:28:12,424 --> 00:28:14,024 WHERE DID GONORRHEA GO? 481 00:28:14,093 --> 00:28:16,293 THIS IS SO UNPROFESSIONAL. 482 00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:28,738 HARRISON, YOU JUST BATTLED CANCER. 483 00:28:28,808 --> 00:28:31,874 DO YOU REALLY WANT TO EXPOSE YOURSELF TO 484 00:28:31,943 --> 00:28:34,144 WELL, PICK YOUR POISON. 485 00:28:34,213 --> 00:28:36,013 I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES. 486 00:28:36,081 --> 00:28:38,949 CLARENCE DIED NOT KNOWING WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE WITH A WOMAN. 487 00:28:39,018 --> 00:28:41,951 I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME. AND GIVEN MY STATUS, 488 00:28:42,021 --> 00:28:46,756 I DON'T HAVE THE LUXURY TO WAIT AROUND UNTIL I FALL IN LOVE. 489 00:28:46,826 --> 00:28:49,326 THEN LET ME BE THE ONE. 490 00:28:49,394 --> 00:28:52,629 COME ON, LIL. LET'S NOT GO BACK TO THAT SORRY CHAPTER, OKAY? 491 00:28:52,697 --> 00:28:56,666 THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. IF I'D GONE THROUGH WITH IT LAST YEAR, 492 00:28:56,736 --> 00:28:59,169 LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO WHEN WE WERE GONNA DO IT, 493 00:28:59,238 --> 00:29:01,905 YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THIS SITUATION, AND MAYBE... 494 00:29:01,974 --> 00:29:04,608 THIS IS SO NOT ABOUT YOU. 495 00:29:04,676 --> 00:29:08,778 I'M TIRED OF HEARING THAT, "I DON'T THINK OF YOU THAT WAY." 496 00:29:08,847 --> 00:29:10,813 OR, "YOU'RE TOO NICE." 497 00:29:10,883 --> 00:29:13,116 THIS IS MY DECISION, 498 00:29:13,185 --> 00:29:16,619 AND I'VE DECIDED THAT I NEED THIS EXPERIENCE. 499 00:29:26,398 --> 00:29:28,832 [JOSH] HEY, SAM. CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT LILY? 500 00:29:28,901 --> 00:29:32,202 OFF THE RECORD? WE'RE KIND OF HAVING OUR FIRST BIG, REAL FIGHT. 501 00:29:32,271 --> 00:29:33,971 - I HEARD. - WHAT AM I GONNA DO? 502 00:29:34,039 --> 00:29:36,539 SHE'S BLAMING ME FOR STUFF THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. 503 00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:38,908 YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET SYMPATHY FROM ME 504 00:29:38,977 --> 00:29:41,445 ON THE IDEA OF SENDING HARRISON TO A PROSTITUTE. 505 00:29:41,513 --> 00:29:44,347 SUGAR CAME UP WITH THE PLAN, GEORGE KNEW A GIRL... 506 00:29:44,416 --> 00:29:47,451 UH, GEORGE KNOWS A PROSTITUTE? 507 00:29:49,088 --> 00:29:50,753 - I GOTTA GO. - NO. 508 00:29:50,823 --> 00:29:53,456 - NO. DID HE GO TO HER? - OW. 509 00:29:53,525 --> 00:29:57,027 LOOK, SAM, ALL I KNOW IS, GEORGE IS TOTALLY INTO YOU. 510 00:29:57,096 --> 00:30:00,530 YOU KNOW, HE KNEW SOME GIRL'S NAME. BIG DEAL. I'M SURE IT WAS INNOCENT. 511 00:30:00,599 --> 00:30:02,099 YEAH, SURE. 512 00:30:02,167 --> 00:30:06,002 YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M OVERREACTING. 513 00:30:06,071 --> 00:30:07,504 WHAT'S HER NAME? 514 00:30:10,075 --> 00:30:12,842 CANDY BOX. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? 515 00:30:12,912 --> 00:30:14,311 [DOORBELL] 516 00:30:19,418 --> 00:30:20,650 HELLO? 517 00:30:22,387 --> 00:30:25,255 - MISS BOX? - BE RIGHT WITH YOU, SWEETIE. 518 00:30:25,324 --> 00:30:26,656 MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. 519 00:30:34,299 --> 00:30:35,532 HI. 520 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:38,501 I'M CANDY. CANDY BOX. 521 00:30:41,340 --> 00:30:43,640 CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A PIECE OF PIE? 522 00:30:53,452 --> 00:30:57,354 I'VE GOT LEMON MERINGUE, OR BOSTON CREAM. 523 00:30:57,422 --> 00:30:58,888 WHAT'S YOUR PLEASURE? 524 00:31:00,759 --> 00:31:02,426 I'M OKAY. THANKS. 525 00:31:02,494 --> 00:31:05,095 WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A WORKING GIRL 526 00:31:05,164 --> 00:31:06,897 PEDDLE PASTRY BEFORE? 527 00:31:06,966 --> 00:31:10,434 I JUST IMAGINED YOU'D BE A LITTLE... YOUNGER. 528 00:31:10,502 --> 00:31:12,870 HEY, I COULD SAY THE SAME ABOUT YOU. 529 00:31:12,938 --> 00:31:16,239 [LAUGHS] LET'S SIT DOWN, CASANOVA. 530 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:32,455 MISS BOX, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW THAT... 531 00:31:32,524 --> 00:31:34,191 THIS IS MY FIRST TIME. 532 00:31:34,259 --> 00:31:37,960 YOU DON'T SAY? 533 00:31:38,029 --> 00:31:42,131 YEAH, AND I'M NOT EXPERIENCED, 534 00:31:42,201 --> 00:31:45,668 - BUT I'M VERY MOTIVATED. - LISTEN, IT'S NOT AN INTERVIEW. 535 00:31:45,737 --> 00:31:47,704 YOU'RE GONNA GET THE JOB. 536 00:31:49,375 --> 00:31:51,441 RIGHT. 537 00:31:52,611 --> 00:31:55,945 BUT MAYBE WE COULD TALK A LITTLE FIRST. 538 00:31:58,283 --> 00:32:00,116 HI, MY NAME IS... 539 00:32:00,185 --> 00:32:02,919 DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, AND MAKE SOMETHING UP, SWEETIE. 540 00:32:02,988 --> 00:32:05,122 OTHERWISE, YOU'LL REGRET IT IN THE MORNING. 541 00:32:05,190 --> 00:32:08,225 OH, OKAY. 542 00:32:08,293 --> 00:32:13,663 THEN YOU CAN CALL ME... JOE. 543 00:32:13,732 --> 00:32:17,200 OKAY. HERE IS A MENU, JOE. 544 00:32:17,269 --> 00:32:21,038 YOUR BUDDIES PAID FOR A STARTER AND AN ENTRÉE, BUT I'M EASY. 545 00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:22,940 AS LONG AS WE WRAP IT UP IN AN HOUR. 546 00:32:23,008 --> 00:32:27,144 OH, AND BEFORE YOU GET YOUR HEART SET, I'M ALL OUT OF THE HOT FRENCH OIL. 547 00:32:27,212 --> 00:32:28,545 OKAY? 548 00:32:32,952 --> 00:32:36,153 TWO... FOUR... 549 00:32:41,693 --> 00:32:45,262 IF THE MENU'S CONFUSING YOU, LET'S JUST PUT IT AWAY. 550 00:32:45,331 --> 00:32:47,064 YEAH. THANKS. 551 00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:48,999 IT IS A BIT OVERWHELMING. 552 00:32:49,068 --> 00:32:52,669 ALL THOSE COMBINATIONS KINDA PUT ME IN THE MOOD FOR CHINESE. 553 00:32:52,737 --> 00:32:54,671 I DON'T DO ACCENTS. 554 00:32:54,739 --> 00:32:57,407 BUT I KNOW A GREAT SZECHWAN PLACE THAT DELIVERS. 555 00:32:57,476 --> 00:32:59,676 YEAH? 556 00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:02,044 KING ME. 557 00:33:02,113 --> 00:33:05,148 IMPRESSIVE. 558 00:33:05,217 --> 00:33:06,883 YOU KNOW, JOE, 559 00:33:06,952 --> 00:33:10,220 I FIND BOYS WHO PLAY ABOVE-AVERAGE CHECKERS 560 00:33:10,289 --> 00:33:13,490 ARE ABOVE-AVERAGE IN OTHER WAYS. 561 00:33:15,994 --> 00:33:17,927 [GULPS] REALLY? 562 00:33:17,996 --> 00:33:19,162 UH-HUH. 563 00:33:21,533 --> 00:33:25,435 I THINK I'M READY TO TAKE OFF MY SHOES. 564 00:33:25,504 --> 00:33:28,004 OH, NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. 565 00:33:28,072 --> 00:33:29,906 - [DOORBELL RINGS] - WHO IS IT? 566 00:33:29,974 --> 00:33:32,576 IT'S SAM McPHERSON FROM THAT BURNING SENSATION. 567 00:33:32,644 --> 00:33:34,944 WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE. 568 00:33:35,014 --> 00:33:37,747 THIS GIRL'S DOING RESEARCH FOR A BIG HOLLYWOOD MOVIE. 569 00:33:37,816 --> 00:33:40,116 I DO A LITTLE CONSULTING ON THE SIDE. 570 00:33:40,185 --> 00:33:43,786 HEY, GET IN THERE. IT'S A LINEN CLOSET. DON'T WORRY. 571 00:33:43,855 --> 00:33:46,156 - [SAM] THANK YOU. - [CANDY] COMING. 572 00:33:47,559 --> 00:33:49,192 COME ON IN. 573 00:33:51,497 --> 00:33:53,497 THANKS FOR SEEING ME ON SHORT NOTICE. 574 00:33:53,565 --> 00:33:56,098 IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME WITH YOU HOLLYWOOD TYPES. 575 00:33:56,168 --> 00:33:58,735 JULIA ROBERTS WAS IN SUCH A RUSH WITH PRETTY WOMAN 576 00:33:58,803 --> 00:34:01,271 SHE LEFT MY CONSULTING CREDIT IN THE CUTTING ROOM. 577 00:34:01,340 --> 00:34:04,641 WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE YOU A CREDIT, 578 00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:07,877 BUT MY PERFORMANCE 579 00:34:07,946 --> 00:34:10,813 DEPENDS ON GETTING THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH FROM YOU. 580 00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:12,882 OKAY. 581 00:34:12,951 --> 00:34:14,517 OKAY. 582 00:34:14,586 --> 00:34:18,488 FIRST QUESTION: DO YOU REMEMBER ALL YOUR JOHNS? 583 00:34:18,557 --> 00:34:24,126 WELL, I NEVER FORGET A FACE, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE ASKING. 584 00:34:24,196 --> 00:34:26,963 BUT I TRY NOT TO LEARN TOO MUCH ABOUT MY BOYS. 585 00:34:27,031 --> 00:34:30,266 - YOU KEEP THINGS IMPERSONAL? - DON'T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. 586 00:34:30,335 --> 00:34:31,734 THAT COSTS EXTRA. 587 00:34:33,838 --> 00:34:37,039 WHEN YOU'RE IN THE JOY THERAPY BUSINESS, 588 00:34:37,108 --> 00:34:39,676 YOU CAN NEVER BE TOTALLY IMPERSONAL. 589 00:34:39,744 --> 00:34:41,745 YOU HAVE TO BE FANTASIES COME TRUE. 590 00:34:41,813 --> 00:34:44,080 AND YOU HAVE TO DO IT ON THE CLOCK. 591 00:34:44,149 --> 00:34:47,249 SO, YOU DO REMEMBER YOUR CLIENTS? 592 00:34:48,687 --> 00:34:51,454 YOU SEEM LIKE A SWEET KID. 593 00:34:51,523 --> 00:34:54,090 WHY ARE YOU DIGGING AROUND IN YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BASEMENT? 594 00:34:54,159 --> 00:34:57,427 - WOW. YOU ARE GOOD. - I'M A PRO. 595 00:34:57,496 --> 00:34:58,928 [SAM SIGHS] 596 00:34:58,997 --> 00:35:01,731 HERE'S THE TRUTH. 597 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:04,100 HE AND I ARE GETTING KIND OF SERIOUS, 598 00:35:04,168 --> 00:35:07,136 AND NO OFFENSE, CANDY, 599 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:12,776 I JUST THINK IT'S SAD THAT HE MIGHT HAVE GIVEN IT UP TO SOMEONE 600 00:35:12,844 --> 00:35:15,845 WHO DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HIM THE WAY THAT I DO. 601 00:35:17,382 --> 00:35:19,716 I WANT MY FIRST TIME TO BE SPECIAL. 602 00:35:19,785 --> 00:35:24,854 AND, IF HE LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S SO IMPORTANT, 603 00:35:26,325 --> 00:35:28,592 I DON'T THINK I CAN GIVE HIM MY FIRST TIME. 604 00:35:31,330 --> 00:35:34,164 OH, HE'S CUTE. 605 00:35:34,233 --> 00:35:36,999 HE SORT OF LOOKS LIKE THAT HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH GUY. 606 00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:41,304 LIKE I SAID, I NEVER FORGET A FACE. 607 00:35:43,308 --> 00:35:45,142 YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE HIM? 608 00:35:53,117 --> 00:35:54,251 NO. 609 00:35:54,319 --> 00:35:56,620 OH, THANK YOU, CANDY. 610 00:35:56,688 --> 00:35:59,021 ANYTHING TO SPREAD A LITTLE JOY. 611 00:36:06,130 --> 00:36:09,266 I HAVE A FRIEND WHO MIGHT BE COMING BY HERE. 612 00:36:09,334 --> 00:36:12,234 HARRISON. HE'S A LITTLE OVER SIX FEET TALL. 613 00:36:12,303 --> 00:36:15,104 HE'S CUTE. 614 00:36:15,174 --> 00:36:19,509 BE GENTLE WITH HIM. HE'S A SPECIAL GUY, TOO. 615 00:36:20,311 --> 00:36:21,411 OKAY. 616 00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:23,280 THANKS. 617 00:36:28,620 --> 00:36:31,120 ALL RIGHT, HARRISON. 618 00:36:31,189 --> 00:36:32,822 THE COAST IS CLEAR. 619 00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,762 WOW. THAT WAS NICE OF YOU, TO GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTED. 620 00:36:38,830 --> 00:36:41,531 WELL, DON'T WORRY. I'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY, TOO. 621 00:36:42,266 --> 00:36:43,567 YEAH. 622 00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:46,603 OR MAYBE NOT. 623 00:36:46,671 --> 00:36:49,472 I'M SORRY, CANDY, I JUST CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT. 624 00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:51,975 I NEVER WANT TO HAVE TO LIE TO SOMEONE LIKE HER. 625 00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:56,413 OKAY. BUT YOU HAVE TO TRY MY LEMON MERINGUE PIE. 626 00:36:56,481 --> 00:36:58,114 IT'S LOW FAT. 627 00:36:58,182 --> 00:37:00,349 HAPPY HERPES... 628 00:37:00,419 --> 00:37:02,118 SORRY, THESPIANS. 629 00:37:02,186 --> 00:37:03,986 FIVE MINUTES, EVERYBODY. 630 00:37:04,055 --> 00:37:06,055 FIVE MINUTES. 631 00:37:06,124 --> 00:37:10,460 GO LIGHTER ON THE PANCAKE. I WANT MY WARTS TO GLISTEN. I CAN'T BREATHE. 632 00:37:10,529 --> 00:37:13,330 WELCOME TO THAT BURNING SENSATION: A CAUTIONARY TALE. 633 00:37:13,398 --> 00:37:15,398 I'LL BE YOUR USHER FOR THE EVENING, 634 00:37:15,467 --> 00:37:19,236 AS WELL AS AN UNSIGHTLY YELLOW DISCHARGE. 635 00:37:19,304 --> 00:37:22,171 SO, LET ME SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEATS. 636 00:37:22,241 --> 00:37:25,975 SHE'S GOT CRABS FOR REAL, AND MISS JULIAN GAVE THEM TO HER? 637 00:37:26,044 --> 00:37:28,411 AFTER ALL THIS COMPANY'S BEEN THROUGH, 638 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:31,948 YOU TWO HAVE THE GALL TO TAINT MY OPENING WITH A CRAB INFESTATION? 639 00:37:32,016 --> 00:37:34,217 ARE YOUR EGOS THAT OUT OF CONTROL? 640 00:37:34,286 --> 00:37:36,753 I'M SORRY, HERR DIRECTOR, BUT I WILL NOT SHARE THE STAGE 641 00:37:36,821 --> 00:37:39,288 WITH THAT SLEAZY INFECTRESS... 642 00:37:39,358 --> 00:37:41,958 - YOU DID THIS DEMONCY? - I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! 643 00:37:42,026 --> 00:37:43,259 WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. 644 00:37:48,299 --> 00:37:49,899 EW. WAIT. 645 00:37:49,968 --> 00:37:51,768 MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO FINGER MISS JULIAN, 646 00:37:51,836 --> 00:37:53,670 I CONCEDE THESE WELTS, THOUGH CREEPY, 647 00:37:53,738 --> 00:37:57,874 - AND NOT PEDICULOSIS PUBIS. - WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? 648 00:37:57,942 --> 00:38:02,078 I'D SAY YOU HAVE AN ALLERGY TO SHELLFISH, OR POSSIBLY WOOL. 649 00:38:02,146 --> 00:38:04,814 OH. 650 00:38:04,883 --> 00:38:09,886 I THOUGHT I HAD AN STD ONCE, BUT IT WAS JUST ATHLETE'S FOOT. 651 00:38:11,089 --> 00:38:13,256 WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE, CANDY? 652 00:38:13,325 --> 00:38:15,825 YES, I HAVE A CLIENT IN THIS SHOW. 653 00:38:15,894 --> 00:38:18,027 MR. HANDELMAN, I PROJECTED A FULL HOUSE, 654 00:38:18,096 --> 00:38:21,363 BUT SOME UPTIGHT PARENTS FOUND THE SUBJECT MATTER TOO GRAPHIC. 655 00:38:21,432 --> 00:38:23,566 - NACHOS? - YOU KNOW... 656 00:38:23,635 --> 00:38:25,068 GREAT SEAT. 657 00:38:32,977 --> 00:38:34,444 OKAY. 658 00:38:39,117 --> 00:38:40,550 HELLO, IRVING. 659 00:38:40,619 --> 00:38:43,019 [ANNOUNCER] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, 660 00:38:43,087 --> 00:38:46,623 WE PRESENT THE PREMIER OF THAT BURNING SENSATION. 661 00:38:46,691 --> 00:38:50,292 [MISS GLASS] YOU ARE DEEP IN THE HARD WOOD FOREST, 662 00:38:50,361 --> 00:38:54,263 69 MILES FROM CIVILIZATION. 663 00:38:58,970 --> 00:39:02,739 [HARRISON] I MUST FIND A WAY TO BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF LOVE. 664 00:39:02,807 --> 00:39:05,041 BUT SHOULDN'T I BE WEARING A GLOVE? 665 00:39:05,109 --> 00:39:08,411 OH, I AM IN NEED OF SUCCOR, AND... 666 00:39:12,751 --> 00:39:15,885 I'M SORRY. I CAN'T GO ON. 667 00:39:15,954 --> 00:39:18,855 THERE'S SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY ABOUT MY CHARACTER. 668 00:39:18,924 --> 00:39:21,123 I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S COME ACROSS. 669 00:39:21,192 --> 00:39:22,692 I AM A VIRGIN. 670 00:39:23,762 --> 00:39:25,995 THEN, LAST NIGHT I WENT TO A PROSTITUTE. 671 00:39:26,064 --> 00:39:28,164 YEAH! 672 00:39:28,232 --> 00:39:30,266 DON'T GET EXCITED. I'M STILL A VIRGIN. 673 00:39:30,334 --> 00:39:31,934 BOO! 674 00:39:32,003 --> 00:39:33,736 I LEARNED A LOT. 675 00:39:33,805 --> 00:39:35,672 I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT THE ACT, 676 00:39:35,740 --> 00:39:40,410 AND HOW IT WOULD JUST INSTANTLY MAKE ME INTO A MAN. 677 00:39:40,479 --> 00:39:45,514 BUT, GOING TO A... "JOY THERAPIST" 678 00:39:45,584 --> 00:39:50,520 TAUGHT ME THAT SEX ISN'T SOMETHING TO HURRY UP AND GET THROUGH. 679 00:39:50,589 --> 00:39:52,389 IT'S SOMETHING TO CHERISH. 680 00:39:52,457 --> 00:39:53,756 AND CELEBRATE. 681 00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:59,462 WITH EXTREME CAUTION, OF COURSE. 682 00:40:01,432 --> 00:40:05,134 THE POINT IS, NOT TO WAIT JUST FOR THE SAKE OF WAITING, 683 00:40:05,203 --> 00:40:08,337 BUT WAITING FOR THE RIGHT PERSON. 684 00:40:08,407 --> 00:40:11,007 WHAT I LEARNED THIS WEEK, IS WHEN IT COMES TO SEX, 685 00:40:11,075 --> 00:40:15,478 HONESTY IS EVERYTHING. YOU GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. 686 00:40:16,147 --> 00:40:17,580 AND WITH OTHERS. 687 00:40:17,649 --> 00:40:22,118 'CAUSE THE BIGGEST EPIDEMIC OUT THERE IS DISHONESTY. 688 00:40:22,186 --> 00:40:24,120 THIS MOMENT, 689 00:40:24,188 --> 00:40:27,356 THIS RITE OF PASSAGE AND PASSION, 690 00:40:27,426 --> 00:40:29,191 IT'S ONE OF THE GREAT GIFTS WE'RE GIVEN. 691 00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:33,529 SAVE IT, FOR SOMEONE YOU HONESTLY LOVE. 692 00:40:36,868 --> 00:40:39,335 THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT. 693 00:40:41,172 --> 00:40:45,074 I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE SO MANY DISEASES OUT THERE. 694 00:40:45,143 --> 00:40:49,779 STARTING TOMORROW, I AM BACK ON PHONE SEX. 695 00:40:49,848 --> 00:40:53,149 OH, HOW BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE SHOW. 696 00:40:53,217 --> 00:40:57,020 WHAT DID YOU LEARN TONIGHT? NO RUNNING IN THE HALLS. 697 00:40:57,088 --> 00:41:02,591 [SAM] CLAW'S STD PLAY, THANK YOU, WAS A TERRIFIC EXPERIENCE. 698 00:41:02,661 --> 00:41:07,096 I THINK I SHOULD BAG JOURNALISM, AND STUDY ACTING. 699 00:41:07,165 --> 00:41:09,566 WELL, YOU WERE THE BEST HOOKER I'VE EVER SEEN. 700 00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:11,634 OH. 701 00:41:11,703 --> 00:41:14,003 OH, I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. 702 00:41:14,072 --> 00:41:19,208 THE HOT-OFF-THE-PRESSES RESULT OF MY FULL STD PANEL. 703 00:41:19,277 --> 00:41:23,580 - I ASSUME YOU PASSED. - IT'S NOT A TEST YOU WANT TO FAIL. 704 00:41:23,648 --> 00:41:26,182 JOSH PASSED TOO. 705 00:41:27,385 --> 00:41:29,886 GEORGE. 706 00:41:29,954 --> 00:41:33,189 IT'S MY TURN TO COME CLEAN. 707 00:41:34,759 --> 00:41:36,492 I DIDN'T TRUST YOU, 708 00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:39,863 AND I DID SOMETHING I AM NOT TOTALLY PROUD OF. 709 00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:45,535 I WENT TO A PROSTITUTE 710 00:41:45,604 --> 00:41:48,137 TO CHECK UP ON YOU. 711 00:41:48,206 --> 00:41:49,706 A WOMAN NAMED CANDY BOX. 712 00:41:51,743 --> 00:41:53,843 OKAY, SO YOU'RE SPYING ON ME. 713 00:41:54,879 --> 00:41:57,914 THAT IS SO NOT COOL, SAM. 714 00:41:57,982 --> 00:42:00,149 SO, FOR THE RECORD, HOW DID IT GO? 715 00:42:00,218 --> 00:42:03,586 - I DIDN'T EVEN GO SEE HER. - I KNOW. 716 00:42:03,655 --> 00:42:07,090 - I SHOWED HER YOUR PICTURE. - OKAY. 717 00:42:07,158 --> 00:42:10,492 OKAY, WE'RE EVEN. I'VE BEEN TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOU. 718 00:42:10,561 --> 00:42:13,963 AND YOU'VE BEEN TOTALLY HONEST WITH ME. 719 00:42:15,199 --> 00:42:18,534 MAYBE TONIGHT CAN BE... 720 00:42:18,602 --> 00:42:21,003 THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ERA? 721 00:42:23,207 --> 00:42:25,041 WANNA GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE? 722 00:42:28,346 --> 00:42:30,313 GEORGE. 723 00:42:31,550 --> 00:42:33,850 SINCE WE'RE BEING TOTALLY HONEST, 724 00:42:36,955 --> 00:42:38,487 I THINK WE SHOULD WAIT. 725 00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:41,357 I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. 726 00:42:42,260 --> 00:42:43,927 I'M JUST NOT QUITE READY. 727 00:42:43,995 --> 00:42:47,263 I THINK WE BOTH HAVE A LOT TO LEARN STILL. 728 00:42:47,331 --> 00:42:49,298 OKAY. THAT'S COOL. 729 00:42:50,701 --> 00:42:53,770 ARE YOU SURE? YOU ARE REALLY 730 00:42:53,838 --> 00:42:56,405 GONNA BE OKAY WITH WAITING? 731 00:42:56,474 --> 00:42:59,909 OF COURSE. SAM, I LOVE... 732 00:43:02,180 --> 00:43:05,114 ...YOU. HOW'S THAT FOR HONEST? 733 00:43:12,857 --> 00:43:14,891 - DOES THIS MEAN MAYBE YES? - NO. 734 00:43:14,959 --> 00:43:17,426 - [MUMBLES] OKAY. - NO. 735 00:43:17,495 --> 00:43:19,295 THAT'S FINE. 736 00:43:22,567 --> 00:43:24,233 END SCENE. 737 00:43:35,279 --> 00:43:38,681 ♪ TO BEND AND NOT TO BREAK 738 00:43:38,750 --> 00:43:42,619 ♪ CHIN UP, TRY NOT TO QUAKE 739 00:43:42,687 --> 00:43:46,122 ♪ I'M GRINNING ON THE OUTSIDE 740 00:43:46,191 --> 00:43:49,392 ♪ BUT I'M A WRECK INTERNALLY 741 00:43:52,163 --> 00:43:55,031 ♪ OOH LA LA LA LA 742 00:43:59,337 --> 00:44:02,238 ♪ OOH LA LA LA LA ♪