[CRYING]
HI ALICE COOPER, WHATCHA DOING?
PLUMBING THE DEPTHS OF MY PSYCHE.
NIC, I CAME HERE WITH A PROBLEM, AND I'M NOT LEAVING TILL IT'S SOLVED.
- TOO MUCH OLESTRA. - TOO LITTLE INSPIRATION.
YOUR IMMINENT BIRTHDAY HAS FACED ME WITH QUITE A DILEMMA.
I MEAN, HOW ON EARTH DO I FIND AN APPROPRIATE GIFT
FOR ONE AS STYLISH AS YOU?
I TRIED THE PRESIDENCY, BUT UNFORTUNATELY,
YOU NEED A BROTHER WHO'S A GOVERNOR.
RELAX, MARY CHERRY YOU ALREADY HAVE WHAT I WANT.
- THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP? - CASH.
THANKS.
NIC, HOW CAN I, MARY CHERRY,
REACH YOUR BLEMISH-FREE PLATEAU OF PERFECTION?
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET, LADY?
IT'S NO SECRET, MARY CHERRY. IT'S IN THE GENES.
I HAPPEN TO BE BLESSED WITH A DOUBLE HELIX OF EVA GLAMOUR,
THANKS TO MY MOTHER, QUEEN OF LOS ANGELES SOCIETY.
ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD CAN'T BUY WHAT NATURE GAVE ME.
IDENTITY SUCH AS MINE CAN ONLY BE INHERITED.
- [TOILET FLUSHES] - [GIRLS GASP]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
EVER WHIZZED IN THE BOYS BATHROOM? SMELLS LIKE BOILED CHICKEN AND URINE.
THOSE TWO NOSTRIL-STINGING SCENTS I BECAME FAMILIAR WITH IN THE HOSPITAL
AND I'LL NEVER VOLUNTARILY SMELL THEM AGAIN.
- JOE. YOU LOOK SO... - UN-JOE LIKE.
AND YOU LOOK SO...
CONTAINED.
SAY HELLO TO THE NEW HARRISON JOHN.
BUCKLE UP LADIES, GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE.
- WHOA. - WHAT?
♪ THINK IT OVER ONCE OR TWICE
♪ WHAT LASTS THE LONGEST IN THIS LIFE
♪ CHARACTER OR ROCK-HARD THIGHS
♪ IN THE END DO YOU BELIEVE
♪ THAT BEAUTY LIES IN WHAT YOU SEE
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DO THEN BABY
♪ YOU'VE BEEN DECEIVED
♪ WELL ME AND B
♪ WE HATE SUPERMODELS
♪ IT'S JUST THAT I'M TIRED OF BEING COMPARED ♪
[NIC] YOU ARE BOOKED FOR AN ASTROLOGICAL APPOINTMENT AT MADAME LOUISE BUMUEL'S.
THIS IS SUCH A COOL BIRTHDAY GIFT. I ALWAYS WANTED TO GET MY CHART DONE.
WE HAVEN'T SPENT MUCH TIME TOGETHER AND AFTER WHAT YOU DID FOR HARRISON
I THOUGHT GETTING OUR CHARTS READ WOULD BE A GREAT WAY FOR US TO RECONNECT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY READ YOUR STARS AND STUFF,
IT HELPS FLUSH OUT YOUR CHARACTER TRAITS.
A GOOD CHART READING CAN LEAD YOU TO THE PERSON YOU WERE BORN TO BECOME.
I LOVE THAT. SO WHAT DO I NEED?
YOU NEED AN OPEN MIND AND THE EXACT TIME, PLACE AND DATE OF YOUR BIRTH.
DONE. I'M GOING TO ONE OF MY MOM'S POLITICAL TEAS TODAY, I'LL ASK HER THEN.
YOU ARE SO THOUGHTFUL AND SO DELICIOUSLY BLONDE.
- OH, COME ON. - AS ALWAYS.
[CLEARS THROAT]
OH. SEE YA.
- I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. - SHUT UP.
YO, MAN, WE'S GOT TO TALK.
- HEY JOSH. - WHAT?
YO, MAN. CAN WE TALK LATER? ALONE? IT'S KINDA PERSONAL.
YOU GOT IT, S.D. WE'LL HAVE LUNCH.
THAT'D BE GREAT BECAUSE LATELY, I FEEL LIKE...
YOUR ATTENTION'S BEEN ELSEWHERE.
- [BELL RINGS] - ON MY DRIVE IN THIS MORNING,
WHILE ENJOYING A TASTY BREAKFAST BURRITO AND THE STEVE HARVEY MORNING SHOW,
A WELL-TIMED CHUCKLE MIXED WITH A POORLY TIMED BITE
CAUSED ME TO SPEW HOT CHORIZO ALL OVER.
BOTTOM LINE, I SWERVED, MY CAR'S IN THE SHOP
AND I SUFFERED A STRESS FRACTURE IN THE COCCYX.
- [RINGSIDE BELL] - [KIDS LAUGH]
SINCE ON MY PALTRY SALARY, SUING THAT DAMN CHIHUAHUA
AND PAYING A MECHANIC ARE OUT OF THE QUESTION, I'M GONNA DIRECT MY WRATH
AT OLD, RELIABLE, YOU.
TODAY, MY LITTLE NO-NECKED MONSTERS,
WE WILL STUDY THE CHEMISTRY THEORY KNOWN AS "PISTON REFLEX".
IN ENGLISH, THIS MEANS WHILE I FIGURE OUT THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO DO NUMBER TWO,
YOU WILL FIX MY CARBURETOR.
- THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, CLAW. - [KIDS GASP]
SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE, AND START GETTING ACQUAINTED WITH A LUG WRENCH.
SORRY, NO CAN DO.
SEE, YOUR REIGN OF IRRATIONAL TERROR IS OVER.
I FACED SOMETHING FAR SCARIER THAN ANYTHING YOU CAN CONJURE.
WELL, SMELL THE TESTOSTERONE, KIDS.
SOMEBODY TIVO-ED A LOT OF WRESTLING WHILE THEY WERE AWAY.
- OOH. - LET ME REACQUAINT YOU
WITH THE STONE COLD TRUTH.
THIS IS MY CLASS,
I MAKE THE RULES, AND YOU WILL DO
AS YOU ARE... TOLD.
NO. I WILL NOT.
AND, NEWSFLASH. YOU DON'T MAKE THE RULES.
THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA DOES. OH, FYI,
IT FORBIDS THE CLASSROOM FROM BEING USED FOR COMMERCIAL VENTURES.
TRANSLATION, YOU CAN'T TURN THIS PLACE INTO A MIDAS.
THAT'S THE STONE COLD TRUTH.
AND, IF YOU TRY, I WILL PERSONALLY REPORT YOU TO THE SCHOOL BOARD.
YOU WILL BE FIRED AND I WILL PLAN A FIELD TRIP TO THE LOCAL TACO BELL
SO THAT THIS CLASS CAN SUPPORT YOU IN YOUR NEW CAREER VENTURE,
MAKING CINNAMON CRISPAS.
BUT... MY PINTO'S BROKEN.
WALK. JOG. YEAH, HI. IT'S CALLED EXERCISE.
AND BY THE SIZE OF THAT FRACTURED ASS,
I'D SAY IT'S TIME YOU LOOKED INTO IT.
[CHUCKLES] JUST GUESSING.
HEY, BRO. SO WHAT'S UP, MAN?
BRO, YOU KNOW HOW I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SCORE A PLAYSTATION 2 FOR MONTHS?
YEAH, WHO HASN'T? THEY'RE... ELUSIVE.
LILY'S GOT ME INTO VOCABULARY. SHE'S REALLY ENRICHING MY IDENTITY, MAN.
WELL, BRO, I GOT NEWS THAT'S OFF THE HOOK, CHECK THIS OUT.
I MET THIS GUY, WHO HAS THE INSIDE INFORMATION AT TOY EMPORIUM...
- HEY, BABE. - HE SAID THERE'S GONNA BE...
HOW YA DOING? GOOD.
- WHY IS YOKO HERE? - YOU CAN TRUST LILY. SHE MY GIRL.
I THINK I'M INTERRUPTING GUY TIME. I SHOULD GO.
WAIT, N-N-N-NO. WE'RE JUST TALKING PLAYSTATION.
I PROMISE. NOW COME ON, SUG, SPILL.
ANYWAY, THE GUY SAID THEY EXPECT A SMALL SHIPMENT THIS AFTERNOON.
GREAT, WE'LL GO RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL, THEN.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
SO, PLAYSTATION 2. AREN'T THE SEQUELS USUALLY A DISAPPOINTMENT?
NAH, THIS ONE IS MUCH BETTER.
THE GRAPHICS ARE SUBJUGATE.
SUBLIME.
- VERY GOOD, SWEETIE. - NICE. SUBLIME.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, MAN, 3:00, OKAY?
BE SHARP, DON'T FORGET.
HEY, SEXY LADIES. GEORGE.
OKAY, HARRISON, WHAT'S GOING ON?
HALLOWEEN COMES IN OCTOBER.
THIS IS NO TRICK, DOLL. BUT IF YOU PLAY NICE,
YOU JUST MIGHT GET A TREAT.
GREETINGS, CONSTITUENTS. I COME TO YOU WITH A PLEA.
ONCE AGAIN THE MEDIA ELITE IS THREATENING FREE EXPRESSION.
MTV NEWS IS HOSTING A SUMMIT FOR HIGH-SCHOOL PRESIDENTS.
I HAVE BEEN INVITED TO WAX POETIC
ON THE SUBJECTS OF THE DAY FROM A TEEN PERSPECTIVE.
HOWEVER, THEY REQUEST BUSINESS ATTIRE,
AND ARE REFUSING TO ALLOW ME TO WEAR MY TRIBUTE
TO COMMANDER TUVOK OF THE STAR FLEET.
THE FEDERATION OF PLANETS DEEMS IT BUSINESS ATTIRE.
WHY WON'T MTV?
I'M ALL FOR EXPRESSING YOURSELF, APRIL,
AND I APPLAUD THE ACTIVIST STREAK.
- I WILL GLADLY SIGN. - DON'T ENCOURAGE HER, GUYS.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH SHE'S A FREAK, DOES SHE HAVE TO TARNISH ALL OUR IMAGES ON TV?
HEY, APRIL.
YOU WERE ELECTED TO REPRESENT THE STUDENT BODY,
NOT TO WASTE IT'S TIME WITH MORONIC PETITIONS
SO THAT YOU COULD GO OFF AND PLAY STAR TREK WITH KURT LODER.
YEAH.
HEY, I JUST CALL 'EM HOW I SEE 'EM.
WELL, I'M GONNA GO SIGN HER PETITION.
GOD, HARRISON. CONSIDERING THE AMOUNT OF COMPASSION
PEOPLE HAVE SHOWN YOU, I'D THINK YOU'D BE A BIT MORE SENSITIVE.
SHE'S JUST GOING TO PUBLICLY EMBARRASS HERSELF AND THE SCHOOL.
TRUST ME, I WAS COMPASSIONATE. I DID THAT WANNABE A FAVOR.
- WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? - I HAVE NO IDEA BUT I'M GONNA FIND OUT.
WAIT, SAM. I DON'T WANT TO EAT ALONE.
GEORGE, IT'S TIME TO TAKE STOCK.
YOU'VE BEEN HERE ALMOST FOUR MONTHS AND YOU'VE ONLY BROKEN BREAD WITH ME.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. I'VE EATEN WITH LILY AND CARMEN.
- AND HARRISON... - AND ME?
IT'S ALWAYS WITH ME, TOO. FACE IT, BABY.
YOU ARE STARTING TO BE KNOWN AROUND HERE AS SAM'S BOYFRIEND.
NO WAY. PEOPLE KNOW ME FOR ME.
I'M THE GEORGE, THE QUARTERBACK.
FOOTBALL SEASON IS OVER, GEORGIE.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO MINGLE?
- OKAY, NARCISSIST, WHAT'S GOING ON? - SIMPLE.
AFTER KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR I DON'T INTEND TO WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE.
FROM NOW ON, I'M TAKING CONTROL. I'M IMPROVING THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE.
BEING AN UNHOLY BASTARD'S AN IMPROVEMENT?
YOU SAY UNHOLY BASTARD, I SAY TAKE-CHARGE KINDA GUY.
- COLDHEARTED? - HONEST.
- SLEAZY. - SEXY.
YOU CAN'T DENY I'VE TAPPED INTO SOMETHING... PRIMAL.
COME ON. I SAW YOU CHECK OUT MY TIGHT ASS WHEN I WALKED AWAY AT LUNCH.
OH, STOP IT. YOU'RE CREEPING ME OUT.
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE... LIKE NICOLE.
IS THAT SO BAD?
SEE, THE THING ABOUT NICOLE IS,
SHE GETS RESULTS.
OH, JUST GREAT. YOU LOOK LIKE A RACCOON.
KITTY CAMPBELL'S TEAS ARE NOT A PLACE FOR IMPERFECTION.
SHE'S ONE OF THE BIGGEST FUNDRAISING HAGS IN ALL OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
REMEMBER, IT'S NOT JUST ME WHO'S BEING JUDGED, IT'S MY LIFE WHICH INCLUDES YOU.
NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO, MOM.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT DRESS? I SAID FORMAL.
BARBARA BOXER'S GONNA BE THERE AND I AM GOING TO NEED HER SUPPORT
IF I PLAN TO WIN THE SENATE SEAT IN 2004.
NEVER MIND. I BROUGHT YOU A STYLE SUPPLEMENT.
YEAH, MOM, I WAS WONDERING, MY BIRTHDAY'S COMING UP NEXT WEEK...
I'M WELL AWARE. YOU CAN HAVE THE AMEX FOR THE DAY.
THANKS, BUT I WAS WONDERING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
WHEN WAS I BORN? YOU KNOW, THE TIME, THE PLACE
I MEAN, EXACTLY. BROOKY AND I ARE GETTING OUR ASTROLOGICAL CHARTS DONE.
HOW NANCY REAGAN.
5:17 A.M. AT CEDARS-SINAI.
CEDARS?
DAD ALWAYS TOLD ME IT WAS A NATURAL CHILDBIRTH. NO HOSPITAL.
DON'T BELIEVE A WORD THAT COMES OUT OF THAT CHEATING MAN'S MOUTH.
THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT RESTRAINING ORDER.
NOW, LET ME GET A GOOD LOOK AT YOU.
HMM. [SIGHS]
IT'LL HAVE TO DO.
MOM, CAN I AT LEAST SEE THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE?
NICOLE. LET'S CONCENTRATE ON WHAT'S IMPORTANT HERE.
NOW I THINK YOU NEED TO GO BACK ON YOUR DIET. THAT SWEATER IS A SMALL.
NO DAUGHTER OF MINE WILL EVER WEAR A MEDIUM.
YO, SUG.
SUG.
WHERE YOU BEEN, MAN? I BEEN WAITING OVER AN HOUR.
SORRY, GOT CAUGHT UP WITH THE LITTLE WOMAN. WE WERE FRENCHING.
I 9-1-1ED YOU, MAN.
- FRIENDS DON'T IGNORE PAGES LIKE THAT. - I SAID SORRY.
SORRY'S NOT GONNA GET US A PLAYSTATION 2 NOW, IS IT?
THAT'S RIGHT. THEY'RE ALL GONE.
THERE'LL BE MORE IN. WE CAN CALL AROUND TOMORROW...
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
IT'S JUST...
- I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE. - DO WHAT?
THIS. YOU AND ME.
SUGAR, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DON'T YOU SEE? IF YOU HAVE TO ASK...
I THINK WE NEED TO SPEND SOME TIME APART.
WHAT?
WAIT. DID WE JUST BREAK UP?
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
HARRISON JOHN, YOUR TURN TO THE DARK SIDE MAY BE COMPLETE,
BUT YOUR FASCIST ATTEMPT TO SNUFF OUT MY INDIVIDUALITY
WILL SOON BE BROUGHT TO A SCREECHING HALT.
LOOK AT IT. WITH THIS GROUNDSWELL OF SUPPORT,
I SHALL SOON BE ALLOWED TO PRESENT MY UNCENSORED SELF TO THE MTV NATION.
SO DON'T MESS WITH MY ITCHY PHASER, SORE LOSER.
LISTEN CLOSELY. YOUR DAYS OF PRESIDENTIAL PERKS ARE NUMBERED.
OH, AND LEST THERE BE ANY MISUNDERSTANDING,
THAT WAS A THREAT.
COME ON, SUG. THIS IS RIDICULOUS, MAN.
OH, I'M SORRY.
DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?
WHERE'S LILY? 'CAUSE YOU ONLY TALK TO HER.
FORGET IT.
SO, I WAS WONDERING, SUG,
MAYBE SOMETIME YOU MIGHT WANT TO...
I DON'T KNOW. JUST 'CAUSE FOOTBALL SEASON'S OVER DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T
YOU KNOW, STILL HANG OUT.
I JUST GOT THAT NEW PLAYSTATION 2...
- I'D LOVE TO. - REALLY?
- YEAH. - GREAT.
YEAH.
WELL, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, THEN.
[BOY] HEY BROOKE. WHAT'S UP, GIRL?
NIC, WHEN I SAID WE SHOULD SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER
I DIDN'T MEAN I WANTED TO PULL A HEIST WITH YOU.
B, SINCE MY MOTHER'S LOCKBOX REQUIRES IT TAKES A THIEF PROWESS TO OPEN,
ONLY SERVES TO FUEL MY SUSPICION THAT SHE'S HIDING SOMETHING.
AND I NEED TO KNOW. MY GUESS IS THAT THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE
WILL SHOW EVIDENCE OF SOME AMBITION-DASHING, MARITAL INFIDELITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT, NIC? JUST LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
I MEAN, MAYBE SHE HAD A LOVE AFFAIR WITH BRITISH ROYALTY
AND YOU'RE ACTUALLY A PRINCESS.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOUR MOM JUST CHANGED YOUR NAME TO JULIAN
FROM SOMETHING REALLY EMBARRASSING LIKE WELT OR MUNGET.
B... BROOKE...
- WHAT? - THIS CAN'T BE TRUE.
IT HAS TO BE A MISTAKE.
YOU'RE ADOPTED?
HARRISON'S CHALLENGING MY ELECTION RESULTS.
HE'S TOYING WITH MY FRAGILE PSYCHE.
HE BELIEVES THE BALLOTS FROM THE WEST PALM BEACH EXCHANGE STUDENTS,
WILL DROP THE 2% TURNOUT WHO VOTED FOR ME.
[REPEATS] WHY? WHY WOULD HE DO THIS?
APRIL, CLEARLY HARRISON IS HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS.
I JUST WISH WE HAD ANSWERS FOR YOU.
WELL, SPAM, WISHES DO COME TRUE.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG WITH JOE.
THINK ABOUT IT. WHY WOULD HE SUDDENLY BECOME
A POWER-MAD, GUCCI-CLAD LOTHARIO?
IT'S SIMPLE. HE'S POSSESSED.
POSSESSED BY THE MARROW OF NICOLE JULIAN.
[DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC]
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE SUGGESTING THAT.
YOU JUST GOTTA TRUST ME HERE. NOBODY KNOWS NIC BETTER THAN I DO.
CLEARLY, OUR JOE HAS FALLEN UNDER HER SATANIC SPELL.
SAM, I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,
BUT THEY DID EXCHANGE GENETIC CODE.
THINK ABOUT THE CHANGES IN HIM. ALL I'M SAYING IS,
WE CAN'T RULE ANYTHING OUT, EVEN IF THE SOURCE IS QUESTIONABLE.
- AT BEST. - HEY.
ALL RIGHT. IT CAN'T HURT TO CHECK IT OUT.
LILY, CARMEN, COMPUTER LAB. DO SOME NET RESEARCH,
SEE IF YOU CAN FIND ANY DOCUMENTATION ON THIS.
MARY CHERRY, HELP THEM. APRIL, GO BUY SOME DEODORANT.
I'LL GO TO THE SOURCE HERSELF.
HOPEFULLY I CAN FIND NICOLE'S MEDICAL RECORDS,
AND WE CAN FIND SOME RATIONAL EXPLANATION FOR THIS.
S.D., JETER'S THE MAN. AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN A-ROD?
NO WAY. ME, TOO.
THE MAN'S GOT THE GOODS. YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH FOUR RINGS.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING, YOU KNOW?
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO LIKE KNIGHT RIDER.
LIKE IT?
- DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION? - NO WAY. ME, TOO.
- WHAT. - DUDE, CHECK IT OUT.
THIS IS BAD.
HEY, GEORGE, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO ASK ME INSTEAD OF...
JOSH?
EASY, S.D. JOSH IS WITH LILY.
I GET ENOUGH OF THAT COUPLE STUFF WITH SAM. I MEAN, IT'S GREAT AND ALL,
BUT YOU'RE YOUR OWN MAN, I LIKE THAT.
TRUE DAT.
[MAKING SOUND EFFECTS]
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. ALL THESE YEARS I'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE.
I'M GONNA GET YOU SOME TEA, OKAY? THE CAFETERIA'S STILL OPEN.
YOU'RE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS, NIC. I'M HERE FOR YOU, OKAY?
THANKS, B.
SPAM, I'M WARNING YOU,
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR A CRUSADE-OF-THE-WEEK DIATRIBES.
CHILL VENOMOUS ONE. YOUR RECENT GOOD DEED
THREW YOU UP A NOTCH OR TWO ON MY LADDER OF RESPECT.
I JUST NEED... WELL, I NEED ANOTHER FAVOR.
SO SUCKING A LITERAL MARROW OUT OF MY BONES WASN'T ENOUGH?
I NEED YOUR MEDICAL RECORDS. SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH HARRISON.
YEAH, WELL, EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
- IS HE SICK AGAIN? - NO. NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT.
PHYSICALLY, HE'S FINE. THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ODD GOING ON.
HE'S ACTING WEIRD. HE'S ACTING LIKE...
LIKE , UH...
PRETEND I'M GEORGE, SPAM, SPIT IT OUT.
HMM. HE'S ACTING LIKE YOU, NICOLE.
AND JUST WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS HE HASN'T BEEN HIMSELF, HE'S BEEN YOURSELF.
ENLIGHTEN ME, SPAM. DESCRIBE MYSELF.
NO, NO. COME ON. TELL ME WHAT I AM.
A FABULOUS DRESSER WITH A PENCHANT FOR PUTDOWNS?
A SOCIAL MACHIAVELLI WITH GREAT SKIN?
A COLD-HEARTED BITCH? NO, COME ON.
WHO AM I SPAM? WHO AM I? TELL ME.
CAN'T DO IT, CAN YOU? WANNA KNOW WHY? YOU DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHO I AM.
NOBODY DOES, INCLUDING ME.
BAD NEWS, GUYS. I STRUCK OUT WITH NICOLE.
- WHAT DID YOU FIND? - MORE BAD NEWS.
- MARY CHERRY WAS RIGHT. - I KNEW IT. JOE IS POSSESSED.
GREAT. I'LL HAVE TO SLEEP WITH THE LIGHTS ON FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
SPARE ME THE DRAMA, JUST GIVE ME THE FACTS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. THIS STUFF ABOUT GRAFT VERSUS HOST DISEASE SAYS
THAT SOMETIMES THE STRONGER DONOR CELL WILL DOMINATE A RECIPIENT CELL,
TILL THE DONOR'S DNA CODE WINS THE BATTLE.
SAM, WE HAVE TO FACE THE FACT THAT
HARRISON IS STUCK WITH NICOLE INSIDE OF HIM.
FOREVER.
NOT NECESSARILY. THERE IS A SOLUTION.
I GOT TWO WORDS FOR Y'ALL.
EXORCISM.
[♪ HEART: BARRACUDA]
HEY, JOE. DID YA HEAR,
BARNEY'S IS MOVING THEIR ANNUAL TRUNK SALE TO THE NOVAK, SO...
SO WHAT? IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF OLD SALE ITEMS, NEVER ANYTHING GOOD.
OKAY, ALSO...
THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN THERE
AND SOMEBODY DROPPED A BIG PILE OF CASH AND NOBODY'S CLAIMED IT.
- SO, QUICK, LIKE A BUNNY. - ALL RIGHT.
MARY CHERRY, THERE'S NOTHING HERE.
LOCK THE DOOR, CARM.
[LIP-SYNCHS TO SONG] ♪ YOU'RE GONNA BURN, BURN, BURN
♪ BURN, BURN TO THE WICK
♪ OOH, BARRACUDA ♪
IN ADDITION TO EXPERIENCING MY BOUNDLESS WRATH,
EXPECT A STEEP DRY-CLEANING BILL.
TOM FORD DID NOT DESIGN HIS FASHIONS TO WITHSTAND ROPE BURNS.
MARY CHERRY, WHAT ARE YOU READING?
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, GIRLS. IT'S JUST THE DEMON JULIAN SPEAKING.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS. MARY CHERRY PUT THAT THING AWAY.
HARRISON, WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
YOU ARE THE VICTIM OF A BIZARRE MEDICAL FACTOID.
- YOU'VE INHERITED A DOLLOP OF NICOLE. - REALLY?
SO, ENDLESS COOL MUST BE OUT OF THE REACH OF LITTLE OLD NERDY HARRISON.
- IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? - NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE MEANT.
LOOK, WE JUST WANT THE OLD HARRISON BACK.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
DON'T TRUST IT, GIRLS. DON'T TRUST IT.
BACK OFF, BITCHES! YOUR ATTEMPT TO REACH THE OLD ME IS,
LIKE LILY'S INCESSANT CRUSADING, POINTLESS.
YEAH. FYI, MIDGET, AFTER YEARS OF YOU CRUSADING AGAINST JOCK CULTURE,
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU BETRAY YOUR CONVICTIONS FOR NOTHING MORE THAN
NICE ABS AND PORN STAR HAIR.
- OH, SCARED, CARM? - UH-UH. NO.
- HARRISON, STOP IT. - A DEMON CAN'T BE REASONED WITH, SAM.
MARY CHERRY, FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE IS NO DEMON.
- HEY, SAM. - WHAT?
GOT YOUR CELL PHONE? I NEED TO CALL RIPLEY'S.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY MADE BRAS THAT SMALL.
BEAT THE DEVIL OUT OF HIM.
OKAY, IT SAYS HERE THE DORMANT SOUL MUST BE AWAKENED.
DEMON JULIAN, RELEASE THE JOE.
- [SNARLING] - THE POWER OF THE LORD COMPELS YOU.
THE... HELLO, GUYS, COME ON.
[ALL GIRLS] THE POWER OF THE LORD COMPELS YOU.
[REPEATING CHANT]
YOUR MOTHER SUCKS ROCKS IN HELL!
[UNINTELLIGIBLE RANTING]
BRAVO.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? HE'S SPEAKING IN TONGUES,
SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CALL A PROFESSIONAL, OKAY.
I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW SWEET THOSE GRAPHICS ARE.
SO REAL YOU COULD SMELL THE SWEAT.
IN REAL LIFE, THERE'S NO WAY THE '98 VIKINGS COULD EVER BEAT THE '73 RAIDERS.
GUESS I JUST KNOW HOW TO WORK A STICK.
- AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH. - HEY, GUYS.
COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING. SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE HAVING A LOT OF FUN.
SO, HEY MAN, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD COME OVER AND PLAY SOMETIME?
SORRY, MAN. I ONLY GOT TWO CONTROLLERS.
HEY, WE NEED TO GO TO THE STORE AND...
THANKS.
NIC. I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS THE FONTANA COUNTY COURTHOUSE.
THEY DON'T RELEASE ADOPTION RECORDS TO THE PUBLIC.
FINE.
LOOK, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHO THE BIRTH MOTHER IS,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK YOUR CURRENT ONE?
NO NEED. IF SHE CAN KEEP A SECRET, I CAN SURE AS HELL UNCOVER IT.
I'LL JUST DRIVE TO GOD-FORSAKEN FONTANA AND BREAK IN.
HOW'D YOU FIND YOUR MOTHER?
ACTUALLY, SAM FOUND HER.
BUT SHE HAD A LOT MORE TO GO ON.
A NAME, FOR STARTERS.
NIC, COME ON. JUST GO HOME AND ASK. DON'T YOU WANT THE TRUTH?
I DON'T KNOW, B.
YOU KNOW...
WHEN SAM FOUND MY MOM,
IT WAS CHAOS.
BUT IN THE END,
NIC, I WAS SO THANKFUL BECAUSE...
I DEALT WITH IT
AND I MOVED ON.
AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
THEN I WILL HELP YOU. FORGET THE ASTROLOGY,
IF YOU TALK TO YOUR MOM AND GET THE NAME,
WE'LL FIND HER.
EVEN IF WE HAVE TO DRIVE TO BRANSON, MISSOURI.
AND THAT WILL BE MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO YOU.
CLOSURE.
[SPEAKING IN TONGUES]
BEELZEBUB.
PLURIBUS UNUM.
- SOMEBODY HERE POSSESSED? - YEAH.
- MARY CHERRY, WHY DID YOU HIRE HIM? - WELL, HE WAS THE ONLY EXORCIST
LISTED IN THE YELLOW PAGES.
PLEASE HURRY, FATHER, HE'S ABOUT TO BLOW.
SO, I TAKE IT YOU'VE TRIED THE WHOLE "POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU..."
- HOLY WATER? - NO.
NO? NO. OKAY.
YOU GUYS, THIS IS A SCAM. THAT'S NOT HOLY WATER, IT'S EVIAN.
IT'S ALL THEY HAD IN DUTY FREE SHOPPING.
BUT I BLESSED IT IN THE PARKING LOT.
OKAY. NEXT STEP.
DEMON BE GONE.
[REPEATS] DEMON BE GONE.
WHOA.
WELL, I'M STUMPED.
RELAX, GUYS. I THINK I KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I JUST NEED TO BE ALONE WITH HIM.
- TRUST ME. - [GIRLS] OKAY.
FATHER FRAUD, YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LONGER NEEDED.
NO SWEAT. I'LL CATCH A REDEYE BACK TO ROME.
ALL RIGHT, HARRISON. FUN TIME'S OVER.
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME...
AND GUESS WHAT, I KNOW YOUR SECRET.
AUSTIN.
YO, CHECK IT OUT. HERE'S THE DEAL.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU WITH S.D. AGAIN.
OH, SO NOW YOUR GONNA TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY SOCIAL LIFE?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. LOOK, MAN, HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
WAS. BEST FRIENDS DON'T TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED, MAN.
WH-WHAT'D HE SAY? I NEVER DID THAT.
THEN WHY ISN'T HE SPEAKING TO YOU?
- LOOK, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM, GEORGE. - THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE.
- HIS FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM? - TENNESSEE TITANS.
- FAVORITE WITCH ON CHARMED? - PRUE.
- MUSIC? - SAYS RAP, REALLY LIKES DANCE POP.
- DIDN'T KNOW THAT, DID YA? - DETAILS.
I KNOW WHAT'S IN SUG'S HEART, WHAT MAKES HIM TICK. THAT TAKES TIME TO KNOW.
MAYBE, BUT THE ONE THING I KNOW IS WHERE S.D. WILL BE TONIGHT.
OVER AT MY SPOT, ROCKING THE PLAYSTATION.
SEE YA.
- YOU LIED TO ME. - I DIDN'T LIE TO YOU. I PROTECTED YOU.
I CAN FORGIVE YOU FOR
MAKING ME FEEL INADEQUATE AND UGLY.
FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I'M NOT WORTHY TO BE LOVED.
BUT I CAN NEVER FORGIVE YOU
FOR NOT TELLING ME WHO I AM
OR WHERE I COME FROM.
I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU, NICOLE.
I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE THE DAUGHTER
OF A KNOCKED UP 16-YEAR-OLD CHEERLEADER WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU
IN THE RESTROOM OF A FONTANA GREASY SPOON.
NOT QUITE THE FAIRY TALE YOU WERE HOPING FOR, IS IT?
- JUST GIVE ME HER NAME. - NO.
- WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? - PLEASE.
IT WOULD TAKE THE PRESS FIVE MINUTES WITH YOUR FATHER
TO SPIN IT INTO SOME TABLOID TALE OF MARITAL DIFFICULTY.
HE'S PROBABLY FOAMING AT THE BIT TO REVEAL YOU WERE JUST A BARGAINING CHIP.
TO SAVE A MARRIAGE AND PRESERVE AN IMAGE.
HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE ME IF I DIDN'T.
HE LEFT YOU ANYWAY.
- I WANT HER NAME. - WHY?
SO YOU CAN LEAVE ME, TOO?
HOW COULD YOU BE SO UNGRATEFUL?
I KNOW YOU THINK I DON'T LOVE YOU, BUT I DO.
I NEED TO KNOW.
SHAGGY.
SHAGGY LOUISE GROUT.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
FONTANA.
- OKAY, GOT MY ANSWER, TIME TO GO. - OH, HEY, COME ON, NIC.
I DID NOT FIGHT RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC ON THE 10 FOR HOURS TO JUST TURN AROUND.
- NEITHER DID YOU. - YEAH.
BUT B, I GOT MY SPECTACULAR WHITE-TRASH CLOSURE.
- MY MOM'S ROSEANNE. - THIS IS NOT CLOSURE, OKAY?
THIS IS JUST ONE OF A THOUSAND DETAILS.
RIGHT. BUT DON'T YOU THINK THIS IS QUITE ENOUGH?
I MEAN, WHY DISRUPT MY LIFE EVEN FURTHER?
NIC, THIS PLACE IS NOT YOUR MOTHER.
I KNOW.
[DOG BARKS]
YOU CAN DO IT. YOU HAVE TO.
BUT, WHAT IF I DON'T LIKE MY ANSWERS?
WHAT IF YOU DO?
OKAY.
OH, NO.
HEY, GEORGE.
- SURPRISE, BABY. - TICKETS TO THE CHILI PEPPERS?
- S.D., YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE. - NO, I WANTED TO.
NO, NO. I MEAN, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
I WAS ALREADY PLANNING TO TAKE SAM.
YO, THESE ARE FLOOR SEATS.
SORRY, MAN. IT'S SAM'S AND MY FAVORITE BAND.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ON FRIDAY NIGHT?
- SIT HOME ALONE? - NO, GO WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
THEY'RE PLAYING SATURDAY, TOO. YEAH, THIS'LL WORK OUT GREAT.
- THEN WE CAN WATCH HOOPS... - WHOA, WHOA.
SUGAR, JUST STOP RIGHT THERE.
I THINK I NEED A LITTLE BREAK THIS WEEKEND.
I'M GONNA HANG OUT WITH SAM.
ALL WEEKEND?
- WELL, WHAT ABOUT WHAT WE HAVE? - SUGAR, WE'RE JUST HANGING OUT HERE.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN. YOU'RE TAKING THIS WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE TAKING IT SERIOUS ENOUGH.
I'M GONNA BE HONEST.
YOU'RE SMOTHERING ME.
I MEAN, SAM'S MY GIRLFRIEND AND YOU'RE MY FRIEND.
IT'S NOT AN EITHER/OR SITUATION. I NEED BOTH.
I MEAN, I CAN'T JUST BE DEFINED BY ANY ONE THING. NO ONE CAN.
WELL, I DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE THAT.
WELL, YOU'D BETTER FIGURE OUT A WAY.
I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO MAKE ME CHOOSE.
[GROWLING]
UNTIE ME. LOOK INTO MY EYES AND FEEL MY POWER.
- ARE YOU THROUGH YET? - SOON YOUR SOUL WILL BE MINE.
[TALKING IN TONGUES]
ALL RIGHT, FAKER. I MAY NOT SPEAK LATIN, BUT NEITHER DO YOU.
UNLESS SATAN'S DAY JOB IS AT THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT,
I'M GONNA GUESS YOU READ THOSE WORDS ON THE BACK OF A ONE DOLLAR BILL.
- E PLURIBUS UNUM. I FIGURED IT OUT. - DON'T QUESTION MY POWER.
SOON YOU'LL REGRET IT, JUST LIKE YOU'LL REGRET WASTING YOUR TIME
WITH THAT CREATINE-SWILLING, JOCK STRAP YA CALL A BOYFRIEND.
- [LAUGHS CRAZILY] - YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T NEED FRIENDS I DON'T LIKE. RIGHT NOW, I DON'T LIKE YOU.
SO EITHER THIS ENDS RIGHT NOW OR CONSIDER THE BOND WE HAVE BROKEN.
GOODBYE, HARRISON. I HOPE THE NOVAK ENJOYS YOUR PERFORMANCE.
SAM. WAIT.
I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I DON'T SPEAK LATIN.
OR ANY DEMON TONGUE FOR THAT MATTER.
I KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH A WHOLE LOT
AND YOUR HEAD IS PROBABLY A BIT MESSED UP.
BUT THIS?
I JUST GAVE YOU THE SHOW YOU WANTED.
HEY, YOU GUYS WERE THE ONES WHO WERE CONVINCED I WAS POSSESSED.
ONLY BECAUSE YOU STARTED ACTING LIKE A MALE NICOLE.
SAM, PEOPLE NOTICE NICOLE.
YOU MAY NOT REALIZE IT, BUT SINCE I GOT BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL,
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE'S PAID ME ANY REAL ATTENTION.
I'M SORRY.
I GUESS WE ALL THOUGHT WHAT WOULD BE BEST WOULD BE TO TREAT YOU THE SAME.
YEAH. YOU'D THINK THAT.
BUT THE TRUTH IS,
I'M NOT THE SAME.
THIS WHOLE "BATTLING FOR MY LIFE" EXPERIENCE CHANGED ME.
IT DID ALL OF US.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M GLAD I'M BETTER.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE WAY I WAS BEFORE.
SCARED, AFRAID TO ACT...
INSIGNIFICANT.
SO...
HOW WAS BEING NASTY AND HURTFUL THE ANSWER?
IT WASN'T.
AND, BELIEVE ME, I'M SORRY.
I THINK THIS WHOLE MENTAL THING JUST KINDA POPPED A CORK.
[SIGHS]
SAMMY,
I'M SORRY.
JUST TRY AND BE PATIENT WITH ME
WHILE I FIGURE OUT WHO I AM, OKAY?
I THINK THAT CAN BE ARRANGED.
[SIGH OF RELIEF]
YOU KNOW,
WE'RE ALL READY TO WELCOME YOU BACK. WHOEVER YOU ARE NOW.
[BOTH LAUGH]
JUST PROMISE THAT IT'S ACTUALLY YOU AND NOT...
SOMEONE ELSE.
YOU KNOW, THE ONE THING I CAN'T FIGURE OUT IS,
THE PROJECTILE LUNCH.
OH, THAT'S SIMPLE. JUST ATE TOO FAST...
ALL RIGHT, HERETIC. ARE YOU READY?
GIMME A MINUTE? I HAVE A FEW THINGS TO FIGURE OUT.
TAKE YOUR TIME. I'M GONNA GO FIND THE GIRLS,
TO LET THEM KNOW THAT THE "DEMON" IS BEGONE.
♪ WITH EVERY DAY I MISS YOU MORE
♪ PEOPLE SAY THAT TIME WILL HEAL
♪ BUT THEY DON'T KNOW JUST HOW I FEEL
♪ WITHOUT YOU
♪ AND IT WAS YOU THAT KEPT ME STRONG
♪ EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE IN PAIN
♪ LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
♪ WITHOUT YOU
♪ I LOOK AROUND AND YOU'RE...
YO, SUG, I KNOW I TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED,
AND IT WASN'T RIGHT AND I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'VE MISSED YOU. I MISSED MYSELF.
I JUST GOT SO WRAPPED UP WITH LILY THAT
I LOST SIGHT OF WHO I WAS.
AND I'M ONLY SORRY THAT IT TOOK GEORGE MAKING ME JEALOUS
TO REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE TO ME.
I DON'T LIKE VOCABULARY, SUG.
I LIKE VIDEO GAMES
AND CHICKEN.
AND FOOTBALL... AND YOU.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, MAN.
YOUR FRIENDSHIP GIVES ME DIMENSION.
AND YOU...
WELL, YOU COMPLETE ME, S.D.
- I JUST... - SHUT UP.
YOU HAD ME AT "YO".
LET'S NEVER FIGHT AGAIN.
YOU SHOULD'VE KNOCKED.
I GOT NERVOUS.
- I'LL KNOCK FOR YOU. - NO.
PLEASE.
OKAY.
WE'LL JUST WAIT AS LONG AS NECESSARY.
- THANKS, B. - YOU'RE WELCOME.
- [BOTTLES CLINKING] - [FOOTSTEPS FROM INSIDE]
- HI. - I TOLD YOU GIRL SCOUTS
NOT TO COME KNOCKING AT MY DOOR.
DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED THIN MINTS?
EXCUSE ME, MISS...
ARE YOU SHAGGY LOUISE GROUT?
NO. AND UNLESS YOU WORK FOR ED MCMAHON, PLEASE REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY PROPERTY.
BUT, THIS IS SHAGGY LOUISE GROUT'S TRAILER, RIGHT?
YEAH. IT IS.
BOUGHT IT AT HER ESTATE SALE LAST WINTER.
- HER ESTATE SALE? - HM.
- YOU MEAN SHE'S... - AS A DOORKNOB.
OH. I'M SORRY. IS SHE A FRIEND? DID YOU KNOW HER?
NO. I DIDN'T.
- DID YOU? - 'FRAID NOT. JUST BOUGHT HER TRAILER.
APPARENTLY SHE DIDN'T HAVE NO KIN.
WELL, SORRY I COULDN'T BE MORE HELP.
MY MOTHER'S DEAD.
I'M SAD I NEVER GOT TO MEET HER.
SOME CLOSURE.
I'M SORRY.
I FEEL LIKE, NO MATTER WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED HERE TODAY,
YOU STILL WOULD'VE HAD SO MANY MORE QUESTIONS, NIC.
SOMETIMES CLOSURE DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET ALL THE ANSWERS.
I KNOW. BUT, AT LEAST YOU GOT SOME OF THEM.
[SOBS]
I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO MEET MY MOTHER.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
[WHISPERS] HONEY...
I AM SO SORRY.
♪ TO BEND AND NOT TO BREAK
♪ CHIN UP, TRY NOT TO QUAKE
♪ I'M GRINNING ON THE OUTSIDE
♪ BUT I'M A WRECK INTERNALLY
♪ OOH LA LA LA LA
♪ OOH LA LA LA LA ♪