YA'LL, THIS MORNING I AM JUST
BRIMMING WITH REGRET, I HAVE TO SAY.
COULD IT BE BECAUSE, OH, I DON'T KNOW, YOU CRASHED YOUR CAR
IN BEVERLY HILLS ON YOUR WAY TO GLAMAZON PRACTICE AND I HAD TO PICK YOU GUYS UP.
YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T KILL CARMEN AND BROOKE. WHAT HAPPENED?
SHE STARTED WINDOW SHOPPING AND SMASHED THROUGH BIJAN OF BEVERLY HILLS.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? BIJAN IS A CLOSE FAMILY FRIEND.
I'M SURE HE'S JUST GONNA LET IT SLIDE.
NOW WHAT I REGRET IS THAT MY NEW LIPSTICK
IS, SHOCKINGLY, THE COLOR OF DUNG.
YOU KNOW WHAT I REGRET? THAT MARY CHERRY JUST LET LOOSE A SILENT BUT DEADLY.
- I DID NOT! - [GIRLS SCREAMING UNINTELLIGIBLY]
WAIT, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU GUYS? THIS IS A MONUMENTOUS DAY FOR ME.
BECAUSE I'VE REALIZED, TALKING ABOUT REGRET,
THAT I HAVE NADA.
MY JUNIOR YEAR STORMY WEATHER HAS PASSED.
I MEAN, GEORGE AND I ARE DOING GREAT.
HARRISON IS ON HIS WAY TO FULL RECOVERY.
LIFE IS PERFECT.
- LIL, YOUR TURN. - UM...
I... I REGRET
NOT DRIVING THIS PRIUS ELECTRIC CAR SOONER.
I SLEEP KNOWING I'M NOT SHOOTING GASEOUS EMISSIONS INTO THE ENVIRONMENT.
TOO BAD MARY CHERRY CAN'T SAY THE SAME. OKAY.
[MORE UPROARS]
LET ME OUT OF THIS CAR. IT WAS SPAM.
I HEARD IT, IT WAS SPAM. STINKY LADY.
OKAY, CARM, YOU'RE UP AT BAT.
I REGRET NOT HEARING THIS OLD SCHOOL SONG IN YEARS.
OH, YEAH. NOW PUMP UP THE JAM, Y'ALL.
[GIRLS SINGING RAP SONG]
- TURN DOWN THE MUSIC. - WHAT?
OH, MY GOD, THERE'S AN ACCIDENT OVER THERE EVEN MORE TRAGIC THAN MINE.
OH, MY GOD.
CHANGED MY MIND, YOU GUYS. I DO HAVE ONE REGRET.
I REGRET NOT BEING ABLE TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO APRIL TUNA.
♪ THINK IT OVER ONCE OR TWICE
♪ WHAT LASTS THE LONGEST IN THIS LIFE
♪ CHARACTER OR ROCK-HARD THIGHS
♪ IN THE END DO YOU BELIEVE
♪ THAT BEAUTY LIES IN WHAT YOU SEE
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DO, THEN BABY
♪ YOU'VE BEEN DECEIVED
♪ WELL ME AND B
♪ WE HATE SUPERMODELS
♪ IT'S JUST THAT I'M TIRED OF BEING COMPARED ♪
APRIL TUNA IS DEAD.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S GONE. - I'M NEVER SPEEDING.
- THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD. - WOW.
- HEY, YOU GROWING A MULLET? - WHAT? NO.
- LOOKS LIKE A MULLET. - NO, IT'S NOT A MULLET.
[STUTTERS] I FEEL LIKE, I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS JUST NOT A WAKE-UP CALL FOR ME.
ENJOY LIFE, HAVE NO REGRETS, 'CAUSE YOU COULD BE DEAD TOMORROW.
YEAH, BUT, NO, IT'S NOT A MULLET.
I WANNA HOLD ON TO ALL THE DETAILS OF APRIL'S SAD, SORRY LIFE.
WHEN THEY PULLED APRIL OUT, MARY CHERRY NOTICED SHE WAS WEARING CAPPED SLEEVES.
APRIL TUNA WAS DECAPITATED.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S GONE, AND MISSING A HEAD.
LIKE A PEZ DISPENSER AT A GARAGE SALE.
- ARE YOU GROWING A MULLET? - NO!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M MORE IN SHOCK ABOUT, YOUR MULLET OR APRIL'S DEMISE.
BOTH ARE SAD, BUT TRUE.
TRUE?
THE VERY FACT THAT THE CLASSIC SPANDAU BALLET SONG TRUE
WAS PLAYING IN APRIL'S CAR WHEN SHE SMASHED INTO THE TREE,
WE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE IT,
PROVES WE NEED FRIDAY OFF.
WE WERE THERE AND DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT?
THAT IS HORRIBLE.
WE SHOULD ORGANIZE A MEMORIAL AS PENANCE.
SO, YOU WANT ME TO LIE ABOUT THE DEATH OF A STUDENT WE ALL SADLY OVERLOOKED?
BE IN DENIAL ABOUT MY TRUE LACK OF FEELINGS,
PRETEND WE CAN'T FUNCTION SO WE CAN ALL GET FRIDAY OFF?
- UM... YEAH. - I'M ON IT.
TRUE BY SPANDAU BALLET.
SONG I USED TO SLOW DANCE TO AT MANY A FRAT PARTY.
IT'S A POP MUSIC HYMN ABOUT ESCHEWING REGRET,
TELLING THE COMPLETE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR LIFE
AND HOW YOU'RE LIVING IT, WITH NO APOLOGIES.
WE BELIEVE APRIL WAS SENDING US A MESSAGE.
ABOUT ENJOYING THE DAY,
OR DAYS, OFF.
- WE'RE OVERWHELMED. - NO, I CAN SEE THAT.
- WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO. - LET US OFF FRIDAY?
CALL IN A GRIEF COUNSELOR.
CRY! GO ON!
DO IT, I SAID! CRY!
AW, WHAT'S A MATTER? YOU CAN'T BLUBBER?
EXCUSE ME. YES, HI. GOOD MORNING.
YES, SIR. MAY I HELP YOU?
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME IS BY TAKING THIS DOG AND PONY SHOW TO THE LEARNING ANNEX,
WHERE PEOPLE PAY MONEY TO HEAR YOUR BRAND OF WHINY, SELF-HELP DRIVEL.
- [GLASS LAUGHS] - SIR, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
THE NAME IS CALAMITY JONES. I AM THE GRIEF COUNSELOR.
MY VERY FIRST JOB WAS HELPING ANDREW RIDGELEY DEAL WITH WHAM'S BREAK UP.
SINCE THAT TIME, I HAVE COUNSELED OVER 3,000 PEOPLE
ON THE SUBJECT OF LOSS.
NOW, THAT SAID, I HAVE ONE REQUEST.
CRY! GO ON!
DO IT! I SAID CRY!
CALAMITY?
HI. MARY CHERRY SPEAKING.
UM, WE'RE BEREFT. COULD WE HAVE FRIDAY OFF?
I'M PROUD OF YOU, KIDDO. YOU'VE TAKEN THAT FIRST STEP.
BY ADMITTING THAT THE DEATH OF A STUDENT HERE AT SCHOOL HAS ROCKED YOUR WORLD.
HERE, HAVE AN ARM BAND.
JOSH FORD, IS IT? WELL, JOSH,
IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT FORMING AN '80S STYLE TRIBUTE BAND
TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR GRIEF, SAY, IN THE VEIN OF...
WINGER, WHITESNAKE, YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD. YOU GO WITH THOSE FEELINGS.
- WHY WOULD I DO THAT? - BECAUSE YOU HAVE A MULLET.
[LAUGHTER]
BACK ON POINT, WHEN I ASKED YOU TO CRY, YOU COULDN'T DO IT.
YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE NONE OF YOU HAVE DEALT WITH THE DEATH OF APRIL TUNA.
NOW, I'M NOT SAYING THAT ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY CAUSED THE DEATH OF APRIL TUNA,
I'M NOT WRITING ANY MURDER SHE WROTE SCENARIO HERE.
HOWEVER, TO MY EXPERIENCED EYE, ALL OF YOU, INCLUDING MR. GLASS,
IS FIRMLY FIXED IN THE FIRST STAGE OF GRIEF,
WHICH IS DENIAL.
AFTER WE WORK THROUGH THIS PHASE TOGETHER,
THERE ARE THREE MORE OFFICIAL STEPS TO CALAMITY'S OFFICIAL GRIEVING PROCESS.
AND THAT IS ANGER, ACCEPTANCE AND HEALING.
NOW, I'M GOING TO POST A NON-JUDGMENTAL SIGN-UP SHEET OUTSIDE THIS CLASSROOM
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE STILL HAUNTED BY APRIL TUNA.
LET THE GRIEVING BEGIN.
CAN I HAVE YOUR MORNING REPORT, PLEASE?
- I GIVE. WHAT'S THAT? - A GOVERNMENT-SUPPLIED FOOD STAMP CARD.
THAT PUTS A HOT MEAL IN THE GUTS OF UNDERPRIVILEGED KIDS
WHO CAN'T AFFORD MCMORNING MCMUFFINS.
OH, I DON'T EAT BREAKFAST.
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA BUY SOMETHING, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST MOVE ALONG.
I'M JUST GONNA GET THIS WHOLE TRAY.
- I LIKE YOUR BROOCH. - AH, THANKS.
I'M SORRY, I DON'T THINK WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED.
- YOU ARE? - MARY LOU. MARY LOU PARKER.
MARY LOU, NICE TO MEET YOU. I'M NICOLE.
I'M ADOPTED.
MY REAL MOTHER'S NAME WAS SHAGGY LOUISE GROUT.
SHE'S DEAD.
WHICH MAKES ME SAD, BE... BECAUSE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD
I JUST WANTED TO MEET HER, YOU KNOW?
SEE MY FACE IN ANOTHER PERSON'S.
WITH NO MORNING REPORT, THAT'LL BE $57.50.
RIGHT.
KEEP THE CHANGE.
HI, SPAM. MICHAEL JACKSON CALLED AND HE'D LIKE HIS EYEBROWS BACK.
I NOTICED HOW UNCHARACTERISTICALLY MUTE YOU WERE IN CHEMISTRY,
THEN I REMEMBERED: PENICILLIN, OFTEN USED TO TREAT GONORRHEA,
RENDERS MANY PATIENTS LIFELESS AND GROGGY.
OKAY. YOUR TURN.
COME ON, DON'T BREAK OUR INSULT STREAK. I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
I'M SORRY, SPAM. I GUESS I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR OUR REINDEER GAMES TODAY.
HMM. ANYTHING YOU WANT TO GET OFF YOUR CONSIDERABLE CHEST?
- YOU'RE NOT A WRECK BECAUSE OF APRIL? - NO, IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF APRIL.
IT'S ABOUT MY MOTHER. MY REAL MOTHER.
SHE'S DEAD, I HEARD.
I'M SORRY.
I THINK THE NEWS OF HER DEATH MAY BE GREATLY EXAGGERATED.
LILY, COME ON. I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
LET'S GO OVER IT AGAIN. THE LAST TIME YOU SAW BARBER JIM FOR A HAIRCUT,
WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU SAY TO HIM?
I SAID, FLUFFY ON TOP, A LITTLE OFF THE SIDES
AND DON'T TOUCH THE BACK, WHY?
OKAY. FACE THE MUSIC, BILLY RAY CYRUS.
YOU HAVE A MULLET.
I DO NOT HAVE A MULLET.
IT'S JUST A DIFFERENT CUT FOR ME, OKAY?
YOU'VE GOTTA CUT IT, BABY. THE '80S REVIVAL IS OVER.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE PICKING ON MY 'DO.
I'M NOT GONNA CUT IT BECAUSE, FOR THE LAST TIME,
I DO NOT HAVE A DAMN MULLET.
OKAY, THE INFO I SUBMITTED TO "ASK MONA" IS DOWNLOADING.
NICOLE, I REALLY THINK YOU'RE IN DENIAL HERE.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU DO. BUT THERE IS NO DEATH CERTIFICATE
FOR MY MOTHER ANYWHERE IN FONTANA.
AND SECONDLY, I THINK MY PHYSICAL EVIDENCE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.
YOUR EVIDENCE IS COINCIDENCE.
EVEN THE NARCOLEPTIC LUNCH LADY HAD THE SAME UGLY BROOCH FROM THE '70S.
NO, SPAM. IT'S MORE THAN JUST A BROOCH.
IT PINNED MY DIAPER TOGETHER WHEN I WAS LEFT AT THE FONTANA GREASY SPOON.
AND I THINK SHE'S WEARING THE MATE AS A SIGNAL.
SHE'S IDENTIFYING HERSELF AND WAITING FOR ME TO STEP FORWARD AND CLAIM HER.
- YOU DID AND SHE DID NOTHING. - SHE'S PROBABLY AFRAID I'LL REJECT HER.
- [COMPUTER CHIMES] - OH.
PRAISE MONA. WE HAVE PROGRESS.
I THINK I'M PERPETUATING A STAGE OF GRIEF YOU HAVEN'T MOVED THROUGH.
OKAY, SPAM, WE HAVE A DEAL.
YOU DIG FOR ME AND I'LL DELIVER TUNA'S MEMORIAL EULOGY.
- OKAY, HERE GOES. - WAIT.
WHAT?
- PROCEED. - [SAM SIGHS]
OH, WE HAVE GOOD NEWS.
UGH, AND WE HAVE BAD NEWS. THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU'RE RIGHT,
THERE IS NO OFFICIAL DEATH CERTIFICATE FOR SHAGGY LOUISE GROUT IN CALIFORNIA.
IT IS POSSIBLE THAT SHE CHANGED HER NAME TO MARY LOU PARKER.
- AND THE BAD NEWS? - THE BAD NEWS IS...
THERE IS NO MARY LOU PARKER REGISTERED AT THE DMV.
WITHOUT THAT WE CAN'T CHECK AND SEE IF THE BIRTH YEAR'S THE SAME AS SHAGGY'S.
BUT I KNOW SHE'S MY MOTHER. I KNOW IT.
[COMPUTER CHIMES] CHECK YOUR MAIL.
- WHO IS IT, SPAM? - IT'S HARRISON.
THAT'S WEIRD.
THE E-MAIL'S DATED DECEMBER 20, 2000.
IT'S THREE E-MAILS ATTACHED, ONE TO ME, ONE TO HIS MOTHER
AND ONE TO YOU.
BUT WASN'T HE SICK IN THE HOSPITAL THEN?
WELL, IT MUST BE SOME KIND OF A JOKE. READ IT.
OKAY.
IN ORDER...
"DEAR SAM..."
[HARRISON] AS I WRITE THIS E-MAIL TO YOU, I'D FIRST LIKE TO SET THE STAGE.
LOOKING OUT MY PRISON WINDOW,
IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE.
SUNNY, 75, YOU KNOW, TYPICAL L.A. DECEMBER.
WISH I COULD GO OUTSIDE AND RUN AROUND.
BUT I CAN'T, 'CAUSE I'M DYING.
'I WISH' IS A PHRASE I'M TOSSING AROUND A LOT THESE DAYS.
I WISH I COULD HOLD YOU WHEN LIFE IS HARD AND NO ONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND.
I WISH I'D TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU,
WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.
I LOVE YOU.
RIGHT ABOUT NOW, YOU'RE LAUGHING.
SMILING YOUR SWEET SAMMY SMILE 'CAUSE YOU THINK I'M JOKING.
BUT I'M NOT.
I REGRET NEVER TELLING YOU IN THE MOMENT HOW I FELT.
[SIGHS] BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE.
I WAS AFRAID YOU WOULDN'T LOVE ME BACK.
THAT'D KILL ME.
BUT, I'M GONNA DIE ANYWAY, RIGHT?
AND I DON'T WANT TO GO TO MY GRAVE, WITHOUT TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL.
I LOVE YOU, SAM.
I KNOW THIS MUCH IS TRUE.
HARRISON.
OKAY. WHAT'S HE SAY ABOUT ME?
WHY ARE YOU IN MY SPACE, SPAM?
I CAN TELL HARRISON'S E-MAIL TO YOU WAS UPSETTING.
I JUST DROPPED BY TO OFFER MY SENTIMENTS OF SUPPORT.
IF HE'D SAID ABOUT ME WHAT HE SAID...
HOW'S IT FEEL TO NEVER LOSE, SPAM?
TO ALWAYS COME OUT ON TOP.
GET ONE THING STRAIGHT, NICOLE.
I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT WHAT HE SAID ABOUT ME, OKAY?
I AM FREAKED ABOUT IT. I'M GONNA TALK TO HIM TODAY...
I'M GONNA HAVE A TALK WITH YOUR LOVERBOY, TOO.
EVERYBODY HERE ALREADY THINKS I'M ONE TOUGH BITCH,
AND IT'S TIME I LIVED UP TO THEIR EXPECTATION.
[LOCKER SLAMS]
GEEZ.
YOU LADIES SEEM VERY NERVOUS.
THAT'S OKAY. IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT GRIEF.
JUST REMEMBER,
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU ACTUALLY KILLED APRIL TUNA YOURSELVES.
[CARMEN] UM...
WE WERE SORT OF THINKING THAT WE DID.
GIRLS, THE POLICE REPORT CLEARLY STATES
THAT SHE DID NOT PURPOSELY DRIVE HER CAR INTO A TREE.
MERELY, SHE SWERVED TO AVOID A ROGUE SQUIRREL.
BUT WE DON'T BELIEVE THAT!
WE CAN'T SLEEP, WE CAN'T EAT...
WE WERE THE LAST STUDENTS AT KENNEDY TO SEE APRIL ALIVE.
WE HAD A MEETING WITH HER THE DAY BEFORE THE TRAGEDY.
- WE HEARD HER LAST WORDS. - AND THOSE WORDS WERE?
[♪ SIR MIX-A-LOT: BABY GOT BACK ]
- [MUSIC STOPS] - [BROOKE] UM...
APRIL, WHAT WAS THE POINT OF US WATCHING THAT?
THANKS FOR ASKING, BROOKE MCQUEEN.
MY POINT IS THIS: YOU GUYS SUCK.
AS CHEERLEADERS, I MEAN. ONE OF MY FAVORITE PASTIMES
IS TO SIT IN THE BLEACHERS AT GAMES AND MARVEL THAT NONE OF YOU CAN DANCE.
I'VE SEEN PARAPLEGICS BUST BETTER MOVES.
APRIL, WE WORK REALLY HARD ON OUR ROUTINES.
YOU'RE TAKING THIS THE WRONG WAY, CARMEN FERRARA.
I'M OFFERING CRITICISM WITH A HAPPY ENDING.
MY PROPOSAL IS THIS:
LET ME BE THE OFFICIAL CHOREOGRAPHER OF THE GLAMAZONS.
LET ME HELP YOU HIDE YOUR LACK OF PAULA ABDUL PROWESS
BY ADDING KICKY, NOVELTY DANCES TO THE MIX.
APRIL... THANKS.
BUT NO THANKS.
[SHARP EXHALATION]
DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
- I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW. - OH, ME, TOO, BROOKY.
VISUALIZING THAT HAUNTING SCENE HAS MADE ME REALIZE SOMETHING
THAT I MUST'VE GLOSSED OVER IN MY GRIEF.
APRIL WAS AN IRRITATING PERSON WITH NO VALUE.
CHERRY, APRIL HAD VALUE. BUT I DO REALIZE THROUGH RECOUNTING THAT STORY
THAT WE DIDN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING WRONG.
- RIGHT, CALAMITY? - [SOBBING]
UM...
- MISS CALAMITY, IS SOMETHING WRONG? - [STILL SOBBING] YES.
YOUR HORRIBLE, ELITIST BEHAVIOR.
OH, I'M ANGRY WITH YOU GIRLS. VERY ANGRY.
AND IF YOU THINK I AM JUST GOING TO BLINDLY ABSOLVE YOU OF YOUR BEHAVIOR,
AND LET YOU JUST STEP OVER THIS POOR, UNFORTUNATE CHILD'S LIFE,
WELL, YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN.
I'M JUST GONNA ASSUME THAT THIS MEANS WE DON'T GET FRIDAY OFF.
[HEAVY SOBS]
AW, DAMN IT.
- WOW. DID HELL FREEZE OVER? - NO.
THE ONLY REASON WE'RE SITTING WITH THING-A-MA-DICK
IS 'CAUSE WE HAVE GRIEF HOMEWORK FROM CALAMITY.
SHE SAID WE HAD TO SOCIALIZE WITH ONE KENNEDY OUTCAST IN THE APRIL VEIN,
SO THAT IF THEY CRASHED THEIR CAR DRIVING HOME FROM SCHOOL TODAY,
THAT THEIR LAST MEMORY WOULD BE A HAPPY ONE, NOT ONE OF GRIEF.
LILY, WHAT'S WRONG?
JUST SITTING HERE, SEEING HOW HAPPY YOU GUYS HAVE MADE EMORY
SIMPLY BY INCLUDING HIM IN A DAILY RITUAL THAT WE TAKE FOR GRANTED,
I SUDDENLY FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT WHAT JOSH AND I DID TO APRIL.
I AM SO ANGRY AT MYSELF.
SAMMY. TO WHAT DO I OWE THIS HONOR?
I HAVEN'T DINED WITH YOU SINCE OCTOBER.
GEORGE SKIP THE BREAD LINE AND DECIDE TO HIT THE OLD WEIGHT ROOM INSTEAD?
IS THAT WHY YOU WROTE ME THAT E-MAIL?
YOU'RE JEALOUS OF GEORGE?
WHAT E-MAIL?
OKAY.
AH...
MAYBE THESE WORDS WILL JOG YOUR MEMORY.
"DEAR SAM, I LOVE YOU."
"I KNOW THIS MUCH IS TRUE."
"HARRISON."
SAM...
THAT WAS SO A JOKE. APRIL FOOLS.
COULD YOU IMAGINE IF THAT HAD ACTUALLY BEEN TRUE?
I MEAN, IF I HAD ACTUALLY GONE TO THAT DESPERATE PLACE OF REGRET
AND ACTUALLY MEANT THOSE THINGS.
COULD YOU IMAGINE IF I WAS, LIKE, ERASING ALL MY DEATHBED MUSINGS,
AND ACCIDENTALLY HIT SEND.
[HARRISON LAUGHING]
THAT'S WHAT YOU DID?
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I DID.
UM...
- DO YOU... - STILL THINK THAT I LOVE YOU?
HONESTLY?
YES.
- HARRISON, I'M WITH GEORGE. - I'VE KNOWN YOU LONGER.
- I'M DATING GEORGE. - I KNOW YOU BETTER.
[SIGHS]
I'M SO ANGRY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, HARRISON.
WHY?
YOU HAVE JUST RUINED A WONDERFUL FRIENDSHIP.
THANK YOU FOR INTERRUPTING YOUR LUNCH TO SEE US, CALAMITY.
- HOW CAN I HELP YOU TODAY? - IT'S ABOUT APRIL.
WE NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT WE DID TO HER.
OH, WAIT. HOLD IT.
- [PILLS PLINKING] - OKAY.
SHOOT. WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?
I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I...
- WE... - [SIGHS]
...WOULDN'T LET HER JOIN US FOR "LOVE PLUS ONE."
[LILY] IT STARTED A MONTH AGO, APRIL'S BIZARRE LOVE FOR US.
ONE DAY, OUT OF THE BLUE, SHE PLOPPED DOWN AND SAID,
GREETINGS JOSH FORD, LILY E.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO FORM A MÉNAGE.
APRIL, I'M GETTING A "C" IN SPANISH. NO LO COMPRENDE.
APRIL, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS?
[WHISPERS] THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE.
GEEZ, DOES SHE USE FIVE-SYLLABLE WORDS LIKE THAT IN BED?
BRING IT!
[LILY] WE JUST GOT UP AND LEFT.
JOSH.
SHE FOLLOWED LIKE A STRAY LOOKING FOR A HANDOUT.
LOOKING BACK, SHE WAS LONELY.
- OBVIOUSLY, SHE WAS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE - [APRIL PURRS]
WHO DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE.
I SHOULD'VE DUG DEEPER WITH HER.
SAW THE LONELINESS INSTEAD OF USING HER WEIRDNESS AS AN EXCUSE TO FLAKE.
I WANT TO TURN OUR GRIEF INTO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE.
I PROPOSE LEAVING DONATION CANS IN THE CAFETERIA
SO THAT PEOPLE LIKE US WHO IGNORED HER
CAN CONTRIBUTE TO THE NEWLY FORMED APRIL TUNA SCHOLARSHIP FUND.
LILY, I THINK YOU'RE TAKING THIS THING WAY TOO FAR.
REALLY? WHY'S THAT, BILLY RAY?
PEOPLE LIKE APRIL ARE JUST... FREAK-OUTS.
YOU CAN'T PROTECT THEM FROM THE WORLD.
APRIL DYING SAYS TO ME WE SHOULD AT LEAST TRY, JOSH.
GOD. YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN THIS, JOSH.
MAYBE YOUR MULLET HAS DRAINED YOUR INTELLIGENCE.
IT IS, AFTER ALL, THE HAIRSTYLE OF THE CRO-MAGNON MAN.
HEY.
LAY OFF THE MULLET.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, MISS JONES?
[LAUGHS HEARTILY]
[CRIES]
HEY, NANCY-BOY.
I BEEN LOOKING FOR YA ALL DAY. YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT TO MY FACE.
OH, GOD. OH, NOT YOU, TOO.
WHAT WOULD THE STUDENTS DO WHEN THEY REALIZE BELOVED CANCER SURVIVOR,
HARRISON, HE OF NOBLE HEART, WROTE SUCH HORRIBLE FILTH
ABOUT THE VERY PERSON WHO WENT THROUGH A SPINAL TAP TO SAVE HIS LIFE.
- YEAH, YOU WOULDN'T SURVIVE IT. - LOOK.
NICOLE, YOU'RE HURT, YOU'RE ANGRY. I GET IT.
NO. YOU DON'T. YOU'RE JUST SEEING THE TIP OF MY ACID ICEBERG.
AND MY ANGER IS ZEROED IN ON YOU.
NEXT.
EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE SPEAKING THEIR MINDS THESE DAYS, SO HERE GOES.
LOOK. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU'RE MY MOTHER, YOU DON'T WANT TO FACE ME, FINE.
BUT JUST DROP THE STUPID NON-SEQUITURS AND THE DUMB-ASS ACT
BECAUSE I AM ON TO YOU, SHAGGY LOUISE.
[LAUGHS] LOOK, KID. I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER. OKAY?
THAT'S JUST FINE, THEN. I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN.
HAVE A NICE LIFE, SHAGGY.
AND TAKE A WILD GUESS WHERE YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR DIAPER PIN.
HMM. BREAKFAST.
BROOKE, I HAVE A PROBLEM AND I NEED YOUR ADVICE.
- MM-HMM. - AH...
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND REVEALS THEY'RE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
HARRISON FINALLY TOLD YOU. OH, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
I THINK GOOD FRIENDS MAKE THE BEST BOYFRIENDS.
THEY KNOW YOU, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. THAT'S WHAT TRUE INTIMACY IS.
YEAH, BUT, SOMETIMES,
THE LEAP FROM FRIEND TO LOVE OBJECT GOES WRONG
AND THEN THE FRIENDSHIP IS RUINED,
AND I DON'T WANT TO RISK THAT.
WELL, SOUNDS LIKE HE DOES AND, MAYBE YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK WE'VE GOT THE MAKINGS OF A PERFECT OMELET.
- OH, GOT IT? - GOT IT.
[JOSH] APRIL TUNA, WE BARELY EVEN KNEW YA.
- TRAGIC, ISN'T IT? - VERY.
MAN, I COULDN'T EVEN SLEEP LAST NIGHT, I KEPT THINKING OF HOW I WAS MEAN TO HER.
I NOTICED HOW YOUR HAIRSTYLE, YOUR MULLET,
IT'S CAUSED THE DISSOLVEMENT OF YOUR PARTNERSHIP WITH THE FAIR LILY.
IT'S LED TO TAUNTING, THE LIKES OF WHICH EVEN I HAVE NEVER SEEN.
YEAH, AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?
I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT I HAVE A MULLET.
I WAS FLIPPING THROUGH TV LAST NIGHT AND I CAME ACROSS JOHN STAMOS
FROM A LATE '80S RERUN OF FULL HOUSE. I HAVE HIS HAIR, MAN.
I JUST... I CAN'T DENY IT ANY LONGER.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
TO HELP YOU ACCEPT IT.
ALL OF US IN THE MULLET BROTHERHOOD SHOULD STAND TALL AND BOND.
- SAY, IN A CLUB. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "US"?
TICK, TOCK, SAID THE CLOCK. APRIL TUNA'S MEMORIAL IS TWO HOURS AND COUNTING.
THEN THE WHOLE SCHOOL WILL KNOW YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE.
A BIG, FAT, EVIL CREEP.
LISTEN UP, AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST EVER MEETING OF THE KENNEDY HIGH MULLETS.
A SECRET SOCIETY DEDICATED TO MULLET-WEARING MEN WITH MULLET-UDE.
WHAT IS OUR BROTHERHOOD CATCHPHRASE?
[ALL] RICHARD MARX ROCKS!
THANK YOU. NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,
HERE'S THE PRESIDENT OF OUR MULLETHOOD, MASTER JOSHUA FORD.
- JOSHUA? - [ALL REPEATING] WHOO, WHOO.
HI. MY NAME IS JOSH FORD, AND I'VE GOT A MULLET.
- [ALL] HI, JOSH. - HERE'S MY STORY.
ALL WEEK LONG PEOPLE HAVE GIVEN ME A HARD TIME ABOUT MY HAIR.
AND I'VE LET THEM. WELL, NO MORE, MAN.
YOU THINK WE'RE OUTSIDERS? THINK AGAIN.
BECAUSE WE'RE IN GOOD SUPERPOWER COMPANY.
GUESS WHO ELSE HAS A MULLET? THAT'S RIGHT.
- THOR! - [ALL] WOW.
AND OUR NEW YORK CHOLO BROTHERS HAVE MULLETS.
SO WHAT DOES THIS TELL US?
THIS TELLS US THAT WE TRULY DO HAVE THE ROCKIN' 'DO OF THE GODS.
SO OUT OF RESPECT FOR APRIL TUNA AND HER DEATH,
WE ARE GONNA MARCH INTO THAT MEMORIAL AND WE ARE GONNA SHOW THIS SCHOOL
THAT WE LOVE AND RESPECT AND ACCEPT
OUR MULLETS AND OURSELVES.
- RICHARD MARX ROCKS! - [CROWD WHOOPS]
- GO! - YEAH!
- OH. HI. - HI.
- [HARRISON STAMMERS] - YEAH.
YOU FIRST.
- YOU STILL MAD AT ME? - NO. HARRISON.
I WAS NEVER REALLY ANGRY.
- I WAS JUST A LITTLE... - SHOCKED.
- YEAH. - LOOK, SAM.
I DON'T WANT TO SELL YOU ON HOW TO FEEL,
BUT I THINK IF YOU JUST GIVE US A CHANCE, IT COULD WORK.
I THINK WE'D HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.
- HARRISON, WE'RE BEST FRIENDS. - WE COULD BE MORE THAN THAT.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I NEED AN ANSWER, SAM.
SO DO YOU. YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE THIS HANGING OUT THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO PRESSURE YOU BUT AFTER THIS,
I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW WHERE YOU THINK THIS IS GOING.
AND WHETHER YOU ACCEPT MY OFFER TO...
...BE TOGETHER.
[KRUPPS] NEXT UP TO SPEAK, THE VICE PRESIDENT
OF THE KENNEDY HIGH MULLETHOOD NATION,
EMORY DICK.
[SIGHS]
APRIL TUNA DYING...
WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
HER PASSING IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO A LOT OF US.
SAM, WHO ORGANIZED THIS FETE,
TOLD ME THAT IF I WAS GOING TO SPEAK, I HAD TO TELL A STORY
OF MY MOST FOND MEMORY OF APRIL.
NOW, WITHOUT QUESTION, THAT MEMORY IS...
- KNOCK, KNOCK. - BALDERDASH. WHO'S THERE?
ME, IN THE JANITOR'S CLOSET. MEET ME THERE AT 4:00 AFTER SCHOOL.
'CAUSE I'M GONNA GET ME SOME FROTTAGE.
[EMORY] I HAD NO IDEA WHAT A "FRUITAGE" WAS. WAS IT A SORBET?
HEY, DICK. DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THE HEADLINE IN THE I'M HORNY TIMES? NO?
IT SAID I'M GONNA GET ME SOME FROTTAGE AT 4:00. BE THERE.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, I NEVER WENT TO THAT JANITOR'S CLOSET.
BUT, IF SHE WOULD ONLY COME BACK,
I THINK I WOULD ACT DIFFERENTLY.
I'D SHOW UP.
I'D GIVE APRIL HER "FRUITAGE".
AND I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE. I THINK ALL OF US WOULD GIVE APRIL, IF SHE WERE
SOMEHOW REBUILT LIKE JAIME SOMMERS, THE BIONIC WOMAN,
WHAT WE DEPRIVED HER OF.
ATTENTION...
...AND UNDERSTANDING.
GODSPEED, APRIL.
OUR FINAL SPEAKER,
MS. NICOLE JULIAN.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
I'D LIKE TO BEGIN TODAY WITH SOMETHING THAT WAS WRITTEN TO ME, ABOUT ME.
THEY WROTE, IN PART, "DEAR NICOLE,
YOU ARE THE BIGGEST BITCH I HAVE EVER KNOWN."
"YOU ARE THE SPLINTER IN A FINGER THAT WON'T COME OUT."
"THE PUS IN A PIMPLE ON AN OTHERWISE PERFECT COMPLEXION."
"IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, I FEAR FOR THEIR LIVES."
"FOR THEY WILL NO DOUBT, TURN INTO CORRUPT, HIDEOUS MONSTERS
JUST LIKE YOU."
I WAS GOING TO REVEAL THE PERSON WHO WROTE THAT LETTER,
BUT TODAY I AM CHOOSING, PERHAPS FOR THE FIRST TIME,
TO TAKE THE HIGHER ROAD, BECAUSE WHAT THEY WROTE,
AND I CAN'T DENY THIS:
IT'S TRUE.
I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT I DON'T REALLY HAVE A CONNECTION WITH MY FAMILY.
AND SO I STRIKE OUT AT ALL OF YOU
TO GET ATTENTION.
I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT
I WILL NEVER FIND MY BIRTH MOTHER.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THE TURNING MOMENT FOR ME WAS WHEN I SAW
APRIL TUNA'S SHRINE.
AND I REALIZED, STARING AT IT, THAT IF I DIED,
STILL SO ANGRY,
THEN NOBODY WOULD EVEN CARE.
AND I DON'T WANT THAT.
I WANT... [GASPS]
[APRIL] HEY!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
- [DRAMATIC] AAAH. - [THUDDING]
- AH, LILY, WE NEED TO TALK. - OH, HI, RICK JAMES.
DID YOU COME TO DEMONSTRATE MORE SEXIST, MULLET BEHAVIOR?
LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, SLAPPING ME UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A SKILLET, OR DID YOU...
OH, BABY.
- YOU CUT YOUR MULLET. - YEAH.
THERE COMES A TIME WHEN A MAN HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HIS HAIR AND HIS WOMAN.
AND WHEN IT CAME DOWN TO MY WHITE MAN'S JERRY CURL OR YOU,
- I CHOSE YOU, LILY. - OH, JOSH.
- YOU LOOK SO... - CUTE AGAIN?
- MM-HMM. - YEAH, I KNOW.
ALSO, LILY, I WAS WRONG IN THERAPY. YOU WERE RIGHT.
I THINK PEOPLE IN POSITIONS OF POWER HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO PROTECT PEOPLE
WHO SOCIETY MISTREATS, LIKE EMORY AND APRIL.
AND THAT'S WHY ME AND THE MULLET CLUB,
OF NOW WHICH I'M AN EMERITUS MEMBER,
WELL, WE RAISED $500 FOR THE TUNA SCHOLARSHIP FOUNDATION.
- JOSH, THAT'S AMAZING. - YEAH, I KNOW.
WAIT.
THEY DIDN'T GET THIS MONEY THROUGH STRONG-ARM MULLET TACTICS, DID THEY?
[MULLETS ROARING]
[SCREAMS]
MULLETS, NO!
- WE'RE MULLETS. DO AS WE SAY! - I'M BLIND, I'M BLIND.
NAH, I DON'T THINK SO.
EASY, WATCH THE HAIR, BABY.
I'M SORRY THE LUNCH LADY'S NOT YOUR REAL MOM, NICOLE.
YEAH, WELL. YOU LIVE AND LEARN, HUH?
AND ALSO... I NEED TO GIVE YOU PROPS FOR NOT OUTING ME.
YEAH, I GET IT. MOVING ON TO THE HEALING PHASE.
- I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YA. - WE ALREADY COVERED THIS, STUD, OKAY?
NOT INTERESTED IN DOING THE DIRTY WITH YA. OKAY?
SERIOUSLY. YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAID YOU FELT SAD
BECAUSE YOU REALIZE THAT YOU WERE GIVEN UP
SO YOU FELT LIKE YOU WEREN'T CONNECTED TO ANYTHING?
I REALIZED THAT YOU ARE CONNECTED TO SOMEBODY.
ME. FOREVER.
BECAUSE OF THAT MARROW TRANSPLANT, YOUR RIVER RUNS THROUGH ME, NICOLE.
HERE.
- WHAT'S THIS? - I FOUND TWO AT A GARAGE SALE.
THERE'S ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR ME. THEY HAVE SUPERPOWERS.
WE CAN WEAR THEM WITHOUT SAYING A WORD. WHEN YOU SEE ME WEARING IT,
YOU'LL KNOW THAT YOU'RE CONNECTED TO SOMEBODY.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
HARRISON, GOOD LUCK WITH SPAM.
LIGHT A CIGARETTE?
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SMOKE IN HERE.
OH, REALLY? OH, WELL...
THAT'S TOO BAD, 'CAUSE I REALLY NEED ONE.
HERE.
TAKE YOUR DIAPER PIN BACK.
IT'S NOT A DIAPER PIN, MARY LOU. IT'S JUST A FANTASY I MADE UP.
- IT DIDN'T COME TRUE. - WELL, ACTUALLY, IT IS A DIAPER PIN.
AND, IT'S SHAGGY.
SHAGGY LOUISE.
ALL CLEAR.
- THAT WAS... THAT WAS NOT BAD. - [APRIL GIGGLES]
IN FACT, IT WAS AWESOME.
LUCKY FOR YOU, THE NEWS OF MY DEATH HAS BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED.
IF IT WASN'T YOUR BODY THAT WAS CARTED AWAY FROM THAT HORRIFIC CAR CRASH,
WHOSE WAS IT?
ACCORDING TO THE POLICE, SHE WAS A DRUG ADDICT NAMED NELLIE GUSTAV.
AND I SAY ROT IN HELL, NELLIE.
NOT ONLY DID SHE STEAL AND TOTAL MY CAR, BUT THE RESULTING CRASH DESTROYED MY...
BEST OF KAJAGOOGOO TAPE.
FEW PEOPLE GET A CHANCE TO REPAIR THEIR REGRETS.
THAT BEING SAID, I'D LIKE TO BE YOUR ESCORT
TO THIS YEAR'S JUNIOR PROM.
REALLY?
I... GET TO GO TO... A PROM?
IF YOU'LL HAVE ME... AND MY MULLET.
I'D LOVE THAT, SIR GALAHAD.
- HEY, APRIL, GOOD NEWS. - GREAT TIMING, LILY. WHAT!
WELL, JOSH AND THE MULLETS HAVE RAISED OVER $500
TO START THE APRIL TUNA FOUNDATION.
YOU GUYS, THAT'S SO SWEET.
THIS IS A MOST SPECTACULAR DAY.
- IT GETS BETTER. - [APRIL] CARMEN FERRARA.
MARY CHERRY, AUDREY HEPBURN... I MEAN BROOKE.
YOU'RE TALKING TO ME PUBLICLY. TO WHAT DO I OWE THE HONOR?
I THINK I SPEAK ON BEHALF OF ALL THE GLAMAZONS WHEN I SAY.
[♪ SIR MIX-A-LOT: BABY GOT BACK ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BABY IS THE CHOREOGRAPHER FOR THE GLAMAZONS.
I KNOW. IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE.
I SHOULD'VE DIED YEARS AGO.
SO,
WORD HAS IT TRUE BY THE BALLET
WASN'T APRIL'S REGRET ANTHEM AFTER ALL.
APPARENTLY IT SHOULD'VE BEEN KAJAGOOGOO'S TOO SHY TO SHINE.
WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN TODAY. AND NOW?
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S GONNA BE.
[SIGHS] HARRISON, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.
YOU, YOURSELF, ADMITTED YOU SENDING THAT E-MAIL
WAS A BIG MISTAKE, WHICH MEANS YOU'VE HAD SECOND THOUGHTS.
BUT I LIED.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO SEND THE ATTACHED ONE TO NICOLE.
BUT THE ONE I SENT TO YOU,
I SENT THAT MONDAY ON PURPOSE.
- [EXHALES] WHOA. - YOU KNOW,
THERE WAS ALL THIS TALK ABOUT DENIAL SWIRLING AROUND
AND I REALIZED THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THAT STATE ANY MORE WITH YOU.
AND THE REASON THAT I AM SO FORTHRIGHT AND STUPID ABOUT MY FEELINGS
IS THAT...
WHEN I ALMOST DIED, I REALIZED...
...THAT LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS.
SAM, CHOOSE.
I'M DYING HERE.
OKAY.
OKAY. IF IT'S GONNA BE THAT CUT AND DRIED...
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
...THEN I HAVE TO CHOOSE GEORGE.
HARRISON, DON'T DO THIS. OKAY?
LOOK, THIS IS HORRIBLE, BUT WE CAN FIX THIS, I MEAN, WE CAN GO ON,
WE CAN STILL BE BEST FRIENDS...
YOU KNOW, AH, MAYBE YOU CAN, SAM.
- BUT I CAN'T. - WHAT?
YOU... YOU MADE YOUR DECISION.
NOW I HAVE TO MAKE MINE.
AND... [SIGHS]
I CAN'T SEE YOU EVERY DAY WITH HIM.
I CAN'T TALK TO YOU ABOUT STUPID, SUPERFICIAL THINGS
WHEN WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY
IS WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE AT LEAST TRIED WITH ME?
SO, WH... WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
TH-THAT'S IT? WE'RE OVER COMPLETELY?
REGRETFULLY, YOU NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN?
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
GOOD-BYE.
♪ TO BEND AND NOT TO BREAK
♪ CHIN UP, TRY NOT TO QUAKE
♪ I'M GRINNING ON THE OUTSIDE
♪ BUT I'M A WRECK INTERNALLY
♪ OOH LA LA LA LA
♪ OOH LA LA LA LA ♪