- This is Chet Ubetcha with breaking news.
Everybody who's anybody is here in the banquet room
of the Drowsy Truckers Motel
auditioning for the Dimmsdale's Got Talent talent show.
In related news, how'd I do?
- That was a brilliant audition.
Your knack for mundane description is sublime.
I laughed. I cried.
You've got talent. You're in the show.
- In breaking news, nailed it.
[microphone feeds back]
- Next!
- I'm Madame Sasha, the pet psycho.
- Don't you mean pet psychic, honey?
- Okay!
- Timmy, I'm kinda overstimulated.
I'm debuting my new one-woman show in front of a real audience
instead of just my parents
and my talking Dr. Doctor Maskowitz PhD LMFT!
The reviews have been mixed,
but I've used the constructive criticism
to really jazz things up.
- Yeah, I'm here just 'cause I've never been
to a flophouse before,
and now that I have, I can say sayonara, suckers.
- Timmy, wait!
You gotta audition.
The grand prize is a big balloon of yourself
in Dimmsdale's semiannual "We gotta have a parade
because we have all these big stupid balloons" parade!
- I've always wondered,
why do they keep making the balloons
if they only have the parade because they have the balloons?
- Wow, what a downer.
Show a little Dimmsdale pride, Wanda.
- Wait. A big balloon of myself?
I didn't know I wanted it, but now it's all I can think about!
- Madame Sasha the Psycho is getting a vision...
Mr. Weasel wants to go to medical school.
Ta-da!
- And how do you know he wants to go to medical school?
- How do you know he doesn't? Ta-da!
- Bravo. You've got talent.
You're in the show. Next.
- Brace yourself for the ventriloquist stylings
of Mr. Crocker and his dummy, Speckles,
who is not my nephew, Kevin.
- This makeup is giving me a rash, Uncle Danzo.
- Shut it, Cackles! I mean, Spevin!
You know what I mean!
- I'm telling my mom you're making me do this!
- Wow, Mr. Crocker, when Spevin talked, your lips never moved.
You've got talent. You're in the show.
- Way to set a low bar, Mr. Crocker.
With lame acts like this,
that parade balloon's got my name on it.
- Next up, we have an audition for a one-woman show.
- Ooh, that's me!
Finally I'll have the stage all to myself.
It is I, Chloe Carmichael,
here to present my new one-woman show...
So Very Chloe. - So Very Dad!
[together] What are you doing here?
You stole my act!
- Timmy's Dad, you can't do a one-woman show!
You're not a woman!
- Don't put me in a box!
- I'm seeing double!
Double genius! You've both got talent.
You're both in the show.
- [gasps] - Eee!
- Next!
The bucktooth boy with the fish.
Show me what you got.
- Oh, I got plenty.
Guys, what do I got? - You got us, Timmy.
Wanda, what do we got?
- We have my beautiful singing voice.!
- We got nothin', Timmy.
- Let's just sing.
We've gotta be better than Speckles and Sasha the Psycho.
- Blow my mind!
[thud]
[together] Stage fright!
- [beatboxing]
♪ This is the song we're singing ♪
♪ So I can have a big balloon
♪ But wait, why am I the only one singing ♪
[together] Stage fright!
- Wow.
The staring fish I get, but what is it you were doing?
Was that singing or a cry for help?
- Both?
- Fish, you've got talent.
You're in the show.
[kazoo trills]
Cry for help boy, sadly you don't got talent.
You're out. [beep]
- What? The fish didn't even do anything!
- But they sold it.
I've never seen such commitment to dull-eyed silence.
- I wanna be a big balloon.
On the upside, this is delicious pie.
- Wait a minute.
I do see something in you.
Turn towards the coffee pot. Now step and step and step....
and step...
now pick up that coffee pot and pour.
And stir, and smile, and sugar cubes, add one and two.
And big finish with a splash
of French Delight mocha toffee creamer.
- What am I doing?
- You're getting me coffee.
Your talent is being my personal assistant.
And scene!
That's all for now, cry for help boy.
- I can't believe my only talent is being Mr. Bickles' assistant.
I gotta have something else!
- Aw, sport, there's no reason to feel bad
just because you're devoid of talent on any level.
- Timmy, just kiss up to Mr. Bickles.
That way, if you stumble upon something
that you're actually good at, which could happen maybe,
he'll put you in the show.
- Thanks, guys. I think.
I'll do it.
- Congratulations, contestants.
The big show's tonight
and it's time to rehearse.
First act!
- I'm going to eat a pack of crackers
while my dummy Spevin-- I mean, Speckles--
whistles a jaunty tune.
Hit it, Speckles!
- I don't know how to whistle.
- Dang it! You could have told me this earlier!
Curse you, Speckles!
- Ooh, that Mr. Crocker is a wizard, Timmy.
How does he do it?
- He's not doing anything!
He's just spitting crackers at his nephew.
I know I can come up with a talent that's better than that.
- Well, probably not, which is why I want you to try
these remote control tap dancing shoes.
[musical flourish]
- Talent without effort? I'm in!
- Cry for help boy,
I need a half-caf, decaf, then re-caffed,
chilled, then heated, then re-chilled
nonfat latte with a caramel drizzle.
- Coffee and my new dance talent coming right up.
- Dance, little man!
- Whaaa!
- You're a disaster.
And you forgot my drizzle!
- Thanks for letting me be part of your act, Mom.
Next to you, I'll probably look talented.
- I knew you were gonna say that because...
I'm psycho.
- No, no, no, you mean...
Yes, you are.
- Dazzle me, troubadours of talent.
- Meet Mr. Mongoose and Mrs. Cobra.
They're natural enemies in the wild
but my psycho abilities
are telling me they want to be friends.
- I don't think that's what they're thinking, Mom.
- How do you know they're not? Ta-da!
- [screaming]
- Not crazy about the kid,
but like I always say,
I love me some snake and mongoose.
- This is Chet Ubetcha with breaking news.
Everybody who's anybody is in the banquet room
of the Drowsy Truckers Motel
for the Dimmsdale's Got Talent talent show.
- [snoring] BJ and the bear...
Smokey and the bandit...
[cheers and applause]
- This is it, people, dummies, and psychos.
It's show time!
- Tonight's D-list celebrity judges are...
Doug Dimmadone, the mayor,
and his curious life partner, Chompy the Goat.
In related news, that was my act.
What do you think?
- Chompy gives it two hooves down.
I would too if I had hooves.
- Doug Dimmadome thinks it was downright dimmit dumb.
One more act like that and I'm dimma-done with this show.
[crowd booing]
- This isn't going well.
I'm perspiring!
Cry for help boy!
I'm too stressed to chew my flax cookie.
Chew it for me!
- Ahh!
- Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be knocked off your booties
by the whimsical shenanigans of Crocker and Speckles.
- Should be Speckles and Crocker.
I do all the work. - Well, don't tell them that.
I mean, no, you don't!
- If you're such a good ventriloquist,
make me say something!
- You know I can't!
I'm in this for the stupid balloon like everyone else!
You're the worst, Speckles!
[audience booing]
- That act was dimma-dumb.
- [chewing]
- This show's bombing.
I chew fast when I panic, so pick up the pace.
- [aggressive chewing]
- Good evening, audience.
It is I, Chloe Carmichael,
here to debut my one-woman show.
So Very Chloe. - So Very Dad!
[both scream] You're wearing my dress!
Get off the stage, Timmy's dress-wearing dad!
- Make me!
- Normally, I am not a fan of violence,
but every rule has an exception.
- [shrieks]
- ♪ Girl power
♪ This is my hour
[shrieks]
[clunky piano playing] - ♪ This is my hour
♪ It's Timmy's dad power [audience booing]
- Boo! This show is dimma-doo-doo.
- Probably a bad call to lure the audience in
with free rotten tomatoes.
- Chompy's live-bleating a scathing review
of this lack-of-talent show.
And it's being re-bleated by every goat in town.
- Oh, dear. It's always been my nightmare
to be live-bleat-shamed by a goat.
- Excuse me, angry audience!
My Kodiak bear as escaped and my psycho abilities
tell me he's looking to maul someone.
Ta-da! [laughs nervously]
- [roaring]
- [screaming]
[all screaming]
- Ahh!
Cosmo, Wanda, help!
- We'll save you, Timmy!
[together] Stage fright!
- Ahh! Oof!
Whaa!
Ahh!
- Hey, the screaming kid and the scary bear
aren't stinking up the joint.
- [bleats] - You're right, Chompy.
The bear stinks a little.
- This act is what the kids call dimma-dope!
- [grunting]
- [roaring]
[cheers and applause]
- I never thought I'd say this,
but you've got talent, cry for help boy.
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ So very Timmy
- I'm a big balloon!
- Twirling makes me tired.
Assistant, bring me a power muffin.
- I could have had my own balloon.
Curse you, Speckles!
[shrieks indistinctly]
- You're a disaster
and still no muffin!
- Mother!