- Thanks. Is it cold out there! - I know, I'm freezing.
Come on in. Sit by the fire.
I'll make you both a drink and then we can talk.
- About what? - Antennas up.
Aye, aye, Captain.
So, Lorelai, how are you?
I'm fine, Mom.
- Rory? - I'm fine, too, Grandma.
- How are you, Mom? - Also fine.
Look at that, all three of us fine, just like the Judds.
So, Lorelai, are you dating?
No, I'm not dating.
- Really? There's no one at all? - No, I'm totally single.
- Any chance you'll get back with Max? - No, Mom, there's no chance.
What about the man at the diner who refuses to shave?
Luke is just a friend.
You think you'll be single your entire life?
Excuse me?
In terms of your finding someone, what do you think the odds are?
Okay, what is going on?
I visited the family mausoleum today.
Never what you think it's gonna be.
I just wanted to check on things, make sure they were keeping it up...
changing the flowers.
So I went inside and looked around, and it occurred to me...
that there's a very limited space there.
Now, of course, there's a slot open for me, Richard, you, and Rory.
But after the two of you, that's it. No more room for anyone else.
Yes.
So if you actually do meet someone someday...
I don't know where to put him.
Maybe we could just dump him at the local pool hall.
Don't be silly.
'Cause this is not a conversation for that.
We can't expand into the crypt next door...
because the family that owns it won't even discuss it.
I'm getting a little creeped out.
So I talked to the head of the cemetery, and he suggested that we buy an annex.
- An annex? - Yes.
Like an outlet store. It would specialize in the irregular family members.
If we do get the annex, and you do eventually, someday, get married...
Just say "fat chance," will you?
I just meant we'll have to decide who to move.
Oh, oh. Well...
Why don't we move Aunt Cecile? She was always annoying at parties.
- She loved the "knock, knock" jokes. - Mom!
- What? - You can't just kick out Aunt Cecile.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Pineapple." "Pineapple who?"
That's where it ended. Never fully grasped its concept.
She was a complete idiot. Okay, it's decided. Cecile goes.
Look, put me in the annex.
You are not leaving me alone in there with Cecile.
I won't be held responsible...
for somebody being kicked out of their eternal resting place.
I have an idea. I'll probably go first.
- Throw Rory in with me later. - I'd like my own space, if you don't mind.
Why? It'd totally be fun to be there together.
I plan to be buried with all the good CDs and my "rock star" belt.
Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?
We were just discussing who to move to the annex.
I vote for Cecile. Horrible woman. And those terrible jokes.
- What did I tell you? - This is a cold, cold family.
- This is really good. - Yeah. What is it?
- No, don't tell us. - Why not?
Every time I've had something great, but didn't know what it was...
it turned out to be something disgusting that
I wouldn't have tried in the first place.
- Example? - Snails.
- Gross. - Eat in ignorance and enjoy.
Gladly.
- So, Dad, how's retired life treating you? - Fascinating, actually.
I find myself noticing things.
Everyday things that I must have witnessed a hundred times before...
and just walked right past.
Like yesterday, your mother moved a vase, the one in the hall.
And she didn't do it in front of me.
No, 'cause nice girls never move vases in front of men.
And she only moved it a little...
but as I passed it by, I noticed it had been moved.
- Impressive. - Every day's a new discovery.
Your mother changed her hair...
or she wore shoes that didn't match her purse.
- Last Thursday. - For heaven's sake.
- You know what else I noticed? - What?
A first-edition Flaubert...
mint condition, shoved behind several of my Churchill biographies.
- No. - Interested?
- My life is good. - Follow me.
See if you can find the new Chanel patent leather pirate boots...
stuffed back behind your Churchills.
What's up, Mom?
- Nothing's up. - You were twitching. I saw you.
You did not.
When Dad talked about the vase, you pulled a full-on Tabitha.
- I did not. - Is something wrong?
No, nothing's wrong.
Okay. Nothing's wrong.
It's just that things are a little strange lately.
- What is? - Having him home.
We've never really been home at the same time.
We got married, went to Europe, we came back, he went to work...
- and it's been that way ever since. - So now it's different.
It's very different. He's always here...
watching me and noticing when I move a vase, and...
I don't know. It's silly.
So he noticed my hair was different. Women die for that sort of thing.
Mom, it's just an adjustment.
You guys just need to figure out a new routine.
- I guess so. - It'll just take some time.
Then you'll find your rhythm...
he'll go back to ignoring your hair. All will be well.
- Yes, you're probably right. - I am right.
Okay, I give. What is this?
Sweetbreads.
- Sweetbreads. So that's... - Pancreas.
No!
No, no, no.
- Paris. - I'm not done.
- Sorry. - No.
- Glad she finished that one. - Why am I the only one who cares?
You're not the only one who cares.
I know you do, but everyone in this room should care...
because I can't be the only one to care, besides you.
It's just a contest. It's not like you get a car...
- or a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni. - God, I love that stuff.
The Oppenheimer Award for Excellence in school journalism is not a contest.
It's a statement. It says you're the best.
The best writers, best reporters, best editors.
It says you've crushed all others who have dared to take you on.
It says that every other school in the United States of America...
is feeling nothing but shame, defeat and pain...
because of the people who won the Oppenheimer plaque.
I want to be those people. I want to cause that pain.
- Our paper is good. - Not good enough.
- Last week's issue... - Was a fine effort by some kids.
- We are a bunch of kids. - Not when we're in this room.
Lessure Prep Gazette, Broadmouth Banner, Richmond Heights Chronicle...
these publications are not our competition.
The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post...
these publications are our competition.
- Paris has gone bye-bye. - We need to raise the bar.
We need to be better, think harder, dig deeper.
I don't want to just submit a good issue, but a great issue, the best issue.
- When's the deadline? - Next week.
Okay, so then we'd better get brainstorming.
- Does anyone have an idea for a theme? - Yes.
- What? - The one that wins.
Okay, good. Big help.
All right, everyone, we should get working.
You're going to give yourself a stroke one of these days, you know that?
Graciella, I'm leaving the shopping list on the table here.
Remember, we need the low-sudsing detergent.
I've drawn a picture of what the box looks like...
so for heaven's sake, pay attention this time.
How was your walk?
Carl Anderson needs a new roof.
- I'm gonna drop him a note. - Good idea.
- Busy day? - Very.
Is that the same cup of coffee you had when I left?
When I left an hour ago, you were having coffee.
No, this is a different cup.
So that's your third cup of coffee this morning.
- I guess. - Interesting.
I just realized you have three cups of coffee in the morning.
Not every morning.
- Every morning this week. - So what?
Nothing. Just an observation, that's all.
Lot of coffee to drink, early in the morning.
Any thoughts on what you'd like for dinner tonight?
- No, anything's fine. - All right.
- What are you writing down? - Lamb chops.
- Is that for tonight? - Yes.
- Do you not want Iamb chops tonight? - No, Iamb chops is fine for tonight.
I just thought a nice roast would also be nice for a change.
- Roast it is. - Of course, if you want Iamb chops...
- We're having roast. - Okay, if that is what you want.
Do you want me to drop off anything at the dry cleaner's?
- You're going there? - Yes.
I'll go with you.
- I can bring in whatever you have. - But it'd be nice to go together.
It would be romantic, but I won't have time to get back here...
before my DAR meeting. Probably better if I went alone.
You can come with me next week.
But I can go to the meeting with you.
To my meeting of the Daughters of the American Revolution?
I think it'd be fascinating.
I go straight from there to the symphony luncheon.
I'll tag along there, too.
But from there, I get my hair done.
You don't want to sit around while I have my hair done.
- No, I don't. - There you go.
You can cancel that.
I get my hair done every Wednesday at 3:00.
Your hair looks fine.
Because I have my hair done every Wednesday at 3:00.
What am I going to do?
- Why don't you go to the club? - What?
Yes, the club.
You spend a fortune to belong there, and you never got to go much before.
- Why don't you go there now? - On a Wednesday afternoon?
I think it would be perfect.
I don't even know what they do on a Wednesday.
No time like the present to find out.
- All right, I'll go to the club. - Wonderful.
Going to the club on a Wednesday afternoon.
Life certainly is an interesting game of cards, isn't it?
It certainly is.
I'll see you tonight.
Have a good time.
Graciella, I need more coffee now.
How about a triple feature?
Three Days of the Condor, The Show, and The Jerk.
- The Show is 9.5 hours. - The Jerk is short.
The three faces of Costner: Bull Durham...
Dances with Wolves, The Postman.
Tom Petty playing Tom Petty, that big speech about:
"Once upon a time, there was a thing called mail."
It'll make you laugh, cry, or mail something.
Or we could do a Ruth Gordon film festival.
Harold and Maude, Rosemary's Baby, and that great episode of Taxi.
Got it. The worst film festival ever:
Cool as lce, Hudson Hawk, and Electric Boogaloo.
- Sold. - I'll get the Hawk.
I'll get the Boogaloo.
[Boys giggling]
- See? I told you. - Wow!
- Guys, can I get in there? - Yeah.
- Got it, plus four boxes of red vines. - Let's go.
- Hi, Kirk. - Evening, Lorelai.
I forgot my card at home, but I think my number's 6247.
- You forgot your card? - I might have lost it.
- Lost it? Was it temporary or laminated? - Laminated.
- You lost a permanent card. - You can just get me a new card.
I hope you understand the gravity of the situation.
I'm trying to grasp it.
These cards are agreements.
It's an agreement between you and the video Store...
stating that you will take care of your card, honor your card...
- you'll be nice to your card... - Kirk.
- I'll be right back. - Thanks.
Hello? Reception sucks here. I'll be right back.
[Boys giggling]
It'll be ready in a minute.
There were a couple of little kids over there...
and they were looking at this tape that's kind of mature.
You might want to put that stuff on a higher shelf.
How mature?
It's a half-naked woman just standing there.
- Is she a blonde? - What?
I'll check it out right now.
Mom, I can hear you now. What's up?
- You have to take your father. - What?
Tomorrow, for the whole day. Just take him.
- Take him where? - I don't care.
The zoo, the mall, Rhode Island. Get him out of my house.
- What happened? - He's joining my water aerobics class.
- What? - He bought some new swim trunks.
He's out of control.
- Okay, Mom, calm down. - I can't calm down.
I can't turn around without him being there, following me, staring at me.
- He likes you. - Don't be cute.
The man is driving me insane.
I am going to go insane. If you don't help me, I'll take you with me.
Okay, I would like to help you...
- You owe me. - What?
I pay for Rory's school.
- Are you serious? - And I cosigned your loan.
- You have a house because of me. - Are you hearing yourself?
I'm sorry, but I'm desperate. I just need one day of peace.
And I will do anything to get it. Anything.
Okay. Mom, fine. I'll take him.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.
Emily, where are you?
- I have to go. Tomorrow morning. - Tomorrow morning. Bye.
Oh, my God. The most horrible thing happened.
Headmaster Charleston's office called. He's been kidnapped.
Two guys broke in, threw him in a Hefty bag...
used those twisty ties and carted him off.
Classes have been canceled until further notice.
I'm going to school.
Rory, come on. It's just one day. I'll write you a note.
"Dear Nazis, Rory had to miss school today..."
"To save her mom from spending the entire day with her father..."
"Who looks at her like she has three heads."
Out of my way, please.
Do you know the last time my father and I were alone for any period of time?
I was kicked out of summer camp...
for refusing to call the camp counselor "Peaches."
I thought the entire concept of counselors choosing summer-fruit names was stupid.
So they called my dad, and he came to get me...
and it was just the two of us alone in the car, from Maine...
with nothing to talk about but my camp failure.
Luckily, I had also flashed the swim team, or even that would have gotten stale.
I have The Franklin today. I cannot miss it.
Rory, please.
I can't handle the entire day with him. I can't.
Mom, I promise. Just make it till the afternoon...
and I promise I'll come home and take grandpa off your hands.
All right.
- It'll be fine. - It is not going to be fine.
It's going to be horrible.
It is going to be a bad, depressing Lifetime movie...
and Nancy McKeon will be playing me. I am Jo.
[Doorbell ringing]
And that would be him.
It's not going to be that bad.
Hey.
Be nice.
Very good.
- Hi, Dad. - Hey, Grandpa.
Good morning, girls.
Did you have any trouble coming?
Not at all. The directions were fine.
- I'll see you this afternoon. - I look forward to it.
Have fun.
- So, good drive? - Very good.
Here.
- Would you like some coffee? - I'm fine.
- Do you want coffee? - Yes. God, yes. Thank you.
Sure you don't...
Coffee? No.
Well...
Can I offer you anything else?
Some Pop-Tarts, or... That's pretty much it.
You don't have to entertain me, Lorelai.
I just came here to see you and your house and your town.
You don't have to do anything special for me.
- But you're my guest. - No, I'm your father.
Just do whatever it is you normally would do.
What I would normally do?
Yes, like for instance, this morning...
if I wasn't here, you would wake up...
obviously get some coffee, and then what?
I'd probably read the paper for a little while...
and then have some breakfast.
- Let's read the paper, then. - Okay. Let's read the paper.
- What sections would you like? - You go first.
- I'll take what's left. - Okay.
Normally, I read the Arts & Leisure and the Lifestyles.
Perfect.
That leaves Business, Sports, and World News.
- That worked out well. - Yes, it did, didn't it?
Well, this is it. Luke's.
You know, when I was in college, there was this horrible little diner...
across from my apartment building.
It was run by this terrible little couple.
They were very angry.
They would fight, break plates, curse.
And I went in there every morning for three years...
and I had the most dreadful breakfasts. Just awful.
I really miss that place.
- Morning. - Luke, you remember my father.
- Nice to see you again. - Nice to see you.
- Quite a place you've got here. - It pays the bills.
Always a plus in business.
- Dad, do you know what you want? - I already ate.
You did? When?
I had breakfast at home. I get up at 5:30 every morning.
Wow. Why?
I've gotten up at 5:30 for as long as I can remember.
That was when you had to work. You can afford to get a little crazy.
- Get up at 5:45. - Go ahead and order, Lorelai.
I'll have the banana pancakes, side of bacon, and lots of coffee.
Coming right up.
- You didn't order any grapefruit. - I don't like grapefruit.
I always start my breakfast with half a grapefruit.
Do the Florida people know about you?
Anita Bryant left this huge gap that has yet to be filled.
It's important to start the day off correctly.
A grapefruit is brain food.
It has vitamin C and folio acid, and it helps with your digestion.
It really is a terrific fruit.
I feel like you're about to break into song.
- I'm serious about this. - But I still don't like grapefruit.
There are many things in life that we don't like...
but their benefits far outweigh the temporary discomforts...
- we have to endure. - Hold on a sec.
- I need a grapefruit. - What?
Before my pancakes this morning, I need half a grapefruit...
preferably one that tastes like a doughnut.
- I don't have grapefruit. - How come?
- I've never had grapefruit. - I need a...
Listen. I have my father with me all day.
So far, there's been no major drama, yelling, ugliness...
but there will be if I don't find a way to get half a grapefruit for breakfast.
I could go next door to Doose's and buy a grapefruit.
- I'd be eternally grateful. - I'll be right back.
Thank you.
- Okay, the grapefruit is coming. - You won't be sorry.
So, listen, I was thinking...
maybe after we're done here, you might like to walk around town...
see the sights, and Rory usually gets home around 4:00.
The two of you could hang out until I get off work...
the three of us could meet for dinner. How does that sound?
- Very sensible. - I had to make up for my shoes.
- Is that your second cup of coffee? - Third. Why?
No reason.
It's a lot of coffee, first thing in the morning.
[Humming]
- You've got to stop doing that. - I've been doing some research...
on the Oppenheimer Award and noticed something.
The winning schools had an extremely strong human-interest story on page 1.
That's what we need. We've got the teen issues down...
a decent op-ed and political page, but human interest?
- That's what we're missing. - Ideas?
- Yes. - Do tell.
According to the papers, there's been a huge increase...
in the number of families fleeing the major cities for small towns.
Hundreds of thousands of city-slicking yuppies...
carting the trophy wife and asthmatic kids off to small towns...
in search of the simple life.
- Milk a cow, pet a pig, find yourself. - Interesting.
And I thought about it. There's a romantic aspect to small towns.
White picket fences, low crime rate...
smaller classrooms, better tomatoes. It all seems perfect.
But nothing is perfect. Nothing is safe.
Nothing is ever what it seems. And then it hit me. Our story.
We're going to blow the lid off the seedy underbelly of small-town life...
- starting with yours. - Stars Hollow?
You're going to uncover the seedy underbelly of Stars Hollow?
Stars Hollow doesn't have a seedy underbelly.
We don't even have a meter maid.
You may be blind to it because you live there...
but it's there and it's ugly, and I'm going to find it.
- I'll meet you out front after school. - Not today.
Why not? You hiding something?
I promised to help my mom with something.
Help her tomorrow. We have work to do.
This could be our chance to nail this.
I have a hunch there's a good story here, and I'm going to find it.
I was even going to share a byline with you.
But if you want to bail out, that's fine.
Am I meeting you or not?
I don't think you're gonna find anything.
Then the worst that can happen is I spend time in your town...
and have an urge to enter a pie in the county fair.
I'll meet you out front. Don't be late.
As soon as I can, I will send someone up. Yes, I will.
I understand.
I understand. Okay.
I understand. Goodbye.
- What do you understand? - I have no idea.
I tuned them out at the first screech.
- Have we heard from Manny yet? - No, and I have paged him twice.
We only have enough linen for one seating. Hand me the phone.
Plus, we are completely out of clean towels.
Hi, Sophie, it's Lorelai. I need to talk to Manny.
When will he be back?
Okay, I need him to call me really soon. Like five minutes ago.
Okay. Thanks. We need a backup plan.
Call Patty's and see if she has any party-rental tablecloths...
and then pull all the towels from the pool...
and call Gandalfi's and order a case of champagne.
Send a bottle to every room that's towelless.
Page him every two minutes. No!
Hi, Dad. What are you doing?
- I thought you were gonna tour the town. - I did.
I went into all the stores. The cat one, twice.
And then I walked around a little, and then I was done.
- What about the park? See the park? - Yes, I saw the park.
What about the giant slinky? We're mighty proud of that.
I saw the slinky, yes, and the 100-year-old oak tree...
and the life-size yarn person.
I even stopped by your house and had Babette introduce me to all her gnomes.
And then I realized the only thing I had not seen...
is my daughter at work.
Watching me at work is not very interesting. Trust me.
You underestimate yourself.
Okay, there's books on the shelves over there.
I have my newspaper. I'm fine.
All right, I'm just gonna...
- What's the matter? - Is your jacket in the back?
- Your work jacket. - I don't have a work jacket.
- That's your working outfit? - Yeah.
And your boss doesn't mind?
Considering my boss is me, no, she doesn't.
She did at first, but then I bought her a cup of coffee, I realized...
all the hostility she was expressing toward me was just jealousy.
We've been best friends ever since. Take a seat, Dad.
[Sighing]
Will you get me an extra bottle of champagne...
- and smack me over the head with it? - Absolutely.
Independence Inn.
Sit down, breathe, remember you're at work...
- so screaming and crying is not an option. - What are you doing?
- I can't meet you after school. - What? You promised.
I have to work on a story for The Franklin. I tried to get out of it, but couldn't.
- Great. - I'm sorry.
No. School comes before Mommy's mental health.
Tell Grandpa to wander around for a while.
- He already did. - Did he see the slinky?
Yes, he saw the slinky. He's here now. He hates my shirt.
Give him a book, have Sookie make him lunch...
I swear I'll be home by dinner, and you won't have to say a word.
Okay, bye.
- I think I got rabies. - It's just a bus.
- It smelled. - Like a bus.
I'll have to burn my clothes.
You have a car. We could have driven.
We have to get the feel of the small-town world.
We won't get the feel of a small town in a BMW.
- Is there something crawling in my hair? - Where do you want to go?
I don't know. Where's the bad part of town?
- Over there. - What?
People. They're very upset with the color of that fence.
This is the town, Paris.
It's not seedy, it's not run-down. It's just Stars Hollow.
- Where's the local bar? - In Woodbridge.
- Why aren't you helping? - I'm trying.
You're looking for something that's not here.
- What's this? - Luke's Diner.
Diner? Okay, good.
What are you doing?
Trying just to blend in, fade away, observe.
- Rory, coffee? - Thanks, Luke.
- Who's your friend? - Angela Lansbury.
- You're the owner here? - Yes. Want some coffee?
- No, thanks. So, you run the diner? - Oh, boy.
- You get a lot of truckers through here? - Truckers?
Guys on the road for weeks, lonely, looking for company...
a little pick-me-up?
- What's she talking about? - Your guess is as good as mine.
It's common knowledge that diners are breeding grounds...
- for prostitution and drug dealers. - What?
Have you ever seen anything like that?
What about that guy over there? What's his story?
Reverend Nichols?
Reverend Nichols? Is that like Dr. Feelgood?
- How much do you like her? - Do what you got to do.
Where did he come from? What's up there?
Is that where you keep the girls? You got a little cathouse?
I think she got you, Uncle Luke. Give up now.
Do not add to this insanity.
An innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
I want to be good. Life's just not letting me.
- Get her out of here. - Okay. Let's go.
Why do you need me to leave? What have you got to hide?
Paris, let's go.
- We're aware of it. - We're working on it.
As soon as the towels arrive, your room will get the first one.
No one gets a towel before you do.
Did you get the complimentary champagne?
Just open the champagne and drink, relax, enjoy.
Of course it's free.
- We'll call you soon. - Talk to you soon.
- I'm killing Manny. - I'm helping.
I'm gonna strangle him with one of his own towels.
- Lorelai? - Yeah, Dad?
You realize there are no tablecloths in the dining room?
[Phone ringing]
I do. We're having a problem with our linen delivery.
It doesn't look very professional.
- It's Manny. - I have to take this, Dad.
Manny, my mysterious man, where have you been?
Me, Manny? I'm just a desperate woman. Yes.
I know you have many problems, but I have to have some towels or linens...
or I'm gonna be lying on the street, talking about the inn I used to work at.
You don't want that, do you?
Anything you can do to get me through the night.
Manny, I love you. You rock. I am devoted to you.
I'm never gonna look at another towel without thinking of you.
Thank you. Bye, stud.
- He'll be here in 20 minutes. - Lorelai.
- Yes, Dad? - May I speak to you for a moment?
[Singing softly] Someone is in trouble.
Is something wrong, Dad?
Was that a business call I just overheard there?
That was my linen delivery guy.
- So it was a business call? - Yes, it was a business call.
And that's how you handle a business call?
I've known Manny for 10 years, Dad.
I don't care how long you've known him.
You never talk to a business associate like that...
- especially not one that you employ. - Okay, Dad.
- These people have to respect you. - He does respect me.
You were flirting with him.
I said what I had to say in order to get the linen before somebody else did...
- and I did, so I won. - This isn't about winning.
This is about proper procedure. You need to listen to me, Lorelai.
If there is one thing I know about, it is the correct way to conduct yourself...
in a position of authority.
Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?
Because I'm only telling you this for your own good.
All right. Go back to work.
I'll be right here if you need me.
Okey-dokey.
[Michel clearing throat]
Nothing. Not even a cigarette butt on the ground.
This town would make Frank Capra want to throw up.
- Sorry, I tried to tell you. - I know. It's just I was so sure.
We'll think of something else to write about.
- We're not going to lose. - There she is. The girl of the moment.
- You, young lady, are my hero. - Why is that, Taylor?
Because in this day and age...
when the kids are willy-nilly with their clothes, hair and morals...
it is heartwarming to see a sensible girl like you still exists.
A girl who has the gumption and guts to stand up and say:
"Why are we allowing this trash out where all our children can see it?"
- And a few selected adults also. - What are you talking about?
Come on in and see for yourself.
What happened? Where is everything?
Thanks to your brilliant suggestion...
they are all safely stashed behind "the Rory curtain."
- The what? - It seemed fitting to name it after you.
No. I don't want a Rory curtain. I never asked for it.
You told me to put that movie where the kids couldn't see it.
You did?
I just meant to put it on a higher shelf, not to get fabric involved.
This is much better than a higher shelf.
Now all the movies that we deem objectionable...
will be safely hidden from the eyes of the children.
Plus, it'll make adults think twice before they go back there.
No. I did not mean to do this.
What are you doing?
- This is it. - What?
Our story. Censorship in a small town. It's perfect.
You know I don't believe in censorship.
Even better. "Small-town minds run amok."
This is genius. It's gold. We're going to win.
Taylor, on the record, how long have you been working here?
Rory, we're home.
Next time, stop the car completely before you get out.
- Rory, for the love of God, be home. - I'm here.
Sorry. I was on the phone. How was your...
I don't think I've ever loved you quite as much as I love you right now.
Ribs cracking. Organs crushing.
Yeah, well, love hurts.
Hey, Grandpa.
- Lovely to see you, Rory. - How was your day?
It was very pleasant.
- I heard you saw Mom in action. - Yes, he did.
- She's great, isn't she? - She's spirited.
- Spirited. - Spirited is nice.
Let's talk dinner. How about Chinese?
- Very spirited food. - Do you like Chinese food?
If prepared properly, I like it very much.
- I'll go call AI's. - AI's?
AI's Pancake World.
I thought you said we were having Chinese food.
AI's has the best Egg Foo Young in Stars Hollow.
Is that saying anything?
Rory, come entertain your grandpa while your spirited mommy orders, please.
Grandpa, do you want to see my room?
Yes, I would.
- $20 if you lock him in there. - $30 if you chill.
- Interesting. - What are you doing?
There are some holes in your collection here...
and I'm just making a list to fill them.
These aren't all of my books.
My goodness.
And...
Possibly, I should concentrate on acquiring you a bookcase first.
That's okay. I kind of like my system.
- Organized chaos? - Exactly.
Very well. Carry on.
I'm glad not to see any death rockers on your walls.
Where did you learn the term "death rockers"?
I'm not entirely unfamiliar with the music world in which you live.
I don't exactly live in the death-rock world.
If I do move there, I will send you a card.
I appreciate that.
- Harvard. - Yeah.
We started the obsession board a few years ago.
When we took that trip to Harvard...
the student store was having a two-for-one flag sale...
so that sent us into the final stage of the psychosis.
Hospitals were called, medications were prescribed.
There is no cure.
Okay, I made the menu for the evening.
My God.
- Looks good. - Who could eat all that food?
- I almost added the garlic chicken. - Add it.
- There are only three of us. - Yes, but we like choices.
Let's call. I'm starved.
Lorelai, you cannot order all that food.
You're teaching your daughter wastefulness and gluttony.
Dad, we do this all the time.
We order way too much and eat a third of it...
and eat leftovers for more than a week. Finely honed system.
Now please just sit and read something or watch TV.
So I...
I noticed all the Harvard paraphernalia in Rory's room.
Yeah.
You might not want to get her settled on one specific college quite so soon.
- Why not? - She's young.
- She hasn't investigated her options. - She wants to go to Harvard.
- Because she thinks you want her to. - I do.
There are a lot of other good schools. You know, I went to Yale.
- Yes, I do know. - Yale is a very fine school.
Some might argue a better school than Harvard.
- Some, meaning you? - I just think Rory should explore it.
I can make some calls, and set up an appointment.
- No. - Why not?
- She wants to go to Harvard. - That's ridiculous.
- Who's going to help her get into Harvard? - Reese Witherspoon.
I am a Yale alumnus. I give money to that school.
Getting her in will be a breeze.
We don't like breezes. They mess up our hair.
- Do not be petulant. - Do not pick a fight with me.
This is not about you. This is about Rory.
No, this is about Richard interfering.
Please, just let me handle this.
[Car honking]
I know more about the Ivy League system than you do.
- Is that the food already? - No, sweets, I haven't ordered yet.
- Oh, my God. - Who is it?
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God. - What are you doing?
- Just standing here. - Next to?
- A car. Your car. - No.
- I finished it yesterday. - You didn't.
Do you want them?
Now, if you don't like it, I can sell it to someone else.
- Don't you dare. - Dean, that's amazing.
- Can we drive? Does it drive? - Does it drive?
I know it drives, but... I can't believe you finished it.
You built me a car.
Now that the car is done, will you build me a plane?
One that looks like Shamu?
- He made that car? - Isn't that incredible?
- She can't accept it. - Dad, it's okay.
It is not okay. He's a child.
She's not driving a car a child put together.
Excuse me, sir, but my father worked on cars...
and my grandfather worked on cars. I know what I'm doing.
- A car is not a model airplane, young man. - I know that.
- It is a complex vehicle. - I know that, too.
I will not have my granddaughter driving around in a contraption...
- you put together in auto shop. - Can I say something?
I did not make this in auto shop. I'm telling you, this car is safe.
- So you are a certified mechanic? - No.
You had the assistance of a certified mechanic?
Then you drove it past a certified mechanic?
Dad, stop it. This is a nice thing Dean did here.
- Remember, nice things? - I'm sorry, she can't accept it.
Now, if you will excuse us, we were about to order dinner.
I understand you want Rory to be safe, but so do I.
I wouldn't give this car to her if I didn't know for a fact...
that it was 100% safe.
I checked it, my father checked it, and Gypsy at Hewes Brothers checked it.
It has been checked.
I'm supposed to take your word for it?
- No. - Agreed.
- Let's go. - Go where?
- To check it. - I don't think so.
I have been working on this car for months.
- I'm giving it to Rory. - You're a very stubborn boy.
You want to drive? Or should I?
- I'll take my own car, thank you. - Fine with me.
Drive behind me. I don't want it blowing up in front of the Jag.
Try to keep your electrical system working long enough to get there.
They worked the kinks out of this electrical system years ago.
- I'll be right back. - So will I.
I feel like one of us should have stood between them waving a flag or something.
It looks fine to me.
- Check it again. - I already checked it again.
I checked it earlier. This was checking it again.
Go ahead, Gypsy, check it again.
- I've got all night. - I don't.
- Check the transmission. - It's all good.
- The carburetor. - All good.
- Manifold pressure. - Best pressure I've ever seen.
I insist you go over this entire car again.
There's nothing wrong with this car.
I am paying you for a service. I would like that service performed.
Okay, I look again.
How many times are you gonna make her do that?
As many times as it takes.
I know you think I'm not good enough for Rory...
- but do you have to take it out on my car? - She's my only granddaughter.
I have a responsibility to protect her. She's young.
- She's naive. - She's smart.
Yes, she's smart about certain things.
Look, I'm not about to do battle with you here.
You can hate me, whatever. I don't care.
I hardly hate you. I don't even know you.
I'm right here. What do you want to know?
Besides what college I want to go to or what I want to do...
because I still have no answers for you.
Those are not ridiculous questions to ask.
No, but you could have waited until dessert to get to them.
- Yes, well, perhaps, the timing of the... - Interrogation?
- Conversation. - Conversation.
Perhaps the timing was a little off.
So...
Your father. What does he do?
- Stereo systems. - Installing them?
Selling them. He's got a shop a couple of blocks from here.
And your mother?
She works part-time transcribing medical records.
Interesting.
So you...
You like my granddaughter quite a bit.
No, I love your granddaughter quite a bit.
I was beginning to feel a little better about this until you said that.
I'm not trying to make you feel better. I'm trying to be honest.
Yes, you are.
- That's an admirable quality. - Thank you.
Okay, I found something wrong.
- You did? - What?
Windshield wipers came right off in my hand. Very dangerous.
Thank God I checked again.
Gypsy, you broke those off yourself.
- Yes, I did. - Put them back.
I can't look at this car anymore.
- I miss my home. - Put them back.
- I suppose the car is safe. - It is.
I'm still not sure it's an appropriate gift.
I understand that.
How tall are you?
Why? You want to dance?
No, thank you.
I appreciate the offer, though.
- How long are they going to be? - I don't know.
He probably made Dean take the entire thing apart and put it back together again.
Poor Dean.
He has to spend one evening with him. I share chromosomes with the guy.
We had it thoroughly checked.
We found a little problem with the windshield wipers.
Dean is there now, adjusting them. But once that is taken care of...
I don't see any reason why, with proper insurance, of course...
- why you can't have that car. - Really? Thanks.
Hon, why don't you run and pick up the food for us?
I've got this.
Hurry, before the Mu Shu congeals.
Why didn't you let me pay?
I didn't think it would be appropriate under the circumstances.
What circumstances are those?
The ones where I'm about to get really mad at you.
Excuse me?
This is my house and my town, where I live my life.
Thank you for the geography lesson.
In the 32 years we've known each other...
have I once come to your work and criticized the way you handle clients?
I don't remember you coming at all.
Have I passed judgment on your breakfast habits or your clothing choices?
I was offering opinions.
I don't want your opinions, especially not in front of my employees...
and not in front of my friends.
You can't take constructive criticism.
Nothing that came out of your mouth today...
might in any universe, visited by Kirk or Spock, be construed as constructive.
I beg to differ.
And this is the last time you come into my house and overrule my word.
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about Dean and the car.
- I was being... - You have no right being anything.
Rory's my kid, and I make the rules.
If she comes home and says:
"I'm gonna spend the weekend with Patricia Krenwinkel"...
and I say, "Okay, grab a sweater," you just have to deal.
Who's Patricia Krenwinkel?
If I tell her she can have the car her boyfriend made for her...
- then she can. - I didn't think it looked safe.
I have to think it looks safe.
Why can't I make you hear what I'm saying?
I hear exactly what you're saying.
You came here as the judgment police.
You kept your uniform on, and it comes off now.
- Lower your voice. - I am a grown woman.
Treat me the way you treat people who have invited you to their house...
- or you will not be invited again. - Invited?
Don't you think I know why you "invited" me here?
- Because... - Because your mother asked you to.
She called you up and said I was driving her crazy.
Would you please take me off her hands for one day...
so she could get some peace, isn't that true?
You have never once invited me to your house, Lorelai. Never.
I can hardly point to an event that would prompt you to do so...
except my recent employment situation.
Okay, Dad, Mom did call me, but...
I never thought about retirement.
I never thought about what I would do or what I would be once I wasn't working.
I never once imagined that I would go from being a productive member...
of the human race...
to a decrepit old drone sitting at the club at 3:00 in the afternoon...
drinking brandy and playing cards.
I am an annoyance to my wife and a burden to my daughter.
Suddenly I realize what it feels like to be obsolete.
I hope that you never have to learn what that feels like.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I'm afraid I'll have to take a rain check on dinner. I'm not very hungry.
- Nice picture. - Gee, thanks.
You're very popular right now.
I bet if you burn a few books, they'd probably make you mayor.
- This is ridiculous. - I don't know.
You have a lot of supporters on this.
Pat Buchanan, Jerry Falwell, Kathie Lee Gifford.
- Bye. - Come on, it's a little funny.
No.
Being the poster girl for censorship is not a little funny.
The only videos not behind that curtain are Bambi and Dumbo.
They actually had a meeting...
about whether Babe should be behind the curtain...
so as not to offend people who keep kosher.
It's a crazy world we live in.
Where did they even find that stupid picture?
The picture's good. It's the people who are stupid.
- I'll never be able to leave my house. - At least you won't starve.
I can't look at it anymore.
Relax. I don't think it'll be around very long.
- Why? - Just a guess.
Jess.
- Enjoy the food. - Come back here.
- Why? - I'll give you an egg roll.
- Yes? - What did you do?
Nothing much. Just wanted to make sure...
whoever rented Dumbo or Bambi gets a little surprise.
What kind of a surprise?
- What did you do? - You owe me an egg roll.
Yuck.
Richard, there you are, sneaking in like that.
- Hello, Emily. - Nice to see you.
You seem very happy.
I had a very nice day. Would you like a drink?
I saw Cheeky Lennox today. She's redoing her entire house.
I have to say, it's given me a few ideas about this place.
I won't scare you with them tonight, but I'm very excited about it.
I'm glad.
Then I did a little shopping and had my nails done.
Very nice.
Sugar and Spice, a little crazier than I usually wear...
but I don't know, I was just in that kind of a mood.
So how was your day with the girls?
- Wonderful. - Tell me about it.
Well, I saw the town, I saw Lorelai's work.
Did you eat? I can have Heloise whip up something for you.
No, thank you. We had Chinese food.
- You love Chinese food. - I do.
Well, I'm thrilled you had such a wonderful time.
- It was good for you to get out like that. - Yes, it was.
In fact, I'm still a little energized from the day...
so I think I'm finally going to organize all those stamps...
that I've been talking about for ages.
- Now? - Why not?
I think that would be wonderful. Have fun.