Hey.
I left a tip this time.
And I didn't put it under the glass, I know you hate it, I made sure...
it didn't touch the syrup, that makes it sticky...
and I didn't leave the last dollar in pennies...
- just to get rid of them. - I know.
Why are you running down the street, yelling at me?
I wasn't running, I was walking. I wasn't yelling, I was talking.
- What did you say? - Hey.
- Oh, hey. - You are a lot of work.
No, you are a lot of work.
- You're heading in there? - Yes. I need stamps.
- You heading in there? - Yes. I'm getting my divorce.
What?
- Yeah. - You're getting a mail-order divorce?
These are the papers we had drawn up before.
- I just have to sign them. - And you're signing them in there?
- There's a notary in there. - Luke, that is a Mail Boxes, Etc.
So?
You buy envelopes at a Mail Boxes, Etc. You don't get divorced there.
- Why not? - Because it's not dignified.
Well, crapping out in a marriage isn't that dignified, either, but I did that.
I just want to get this over with. It's not a big deal.
- I just need to sign a paper. - You're ending a marriage.
- I'm signing a paper. - That says you're ending a marriage.
Please let me do this.
- Why don't you go to a lawyer's office? - I hate lawyers.
- How about a friend's house? - Dougie and Scooter are off at camp.
- This is wrong. - This is fine. This is practical.
Getting a divorce should not be practical.
I only have 20 minutes until I have to be back at work.
A divorce should not be rushed.
For someone who's never actually been through a divorce...
you sure know a lot about it.
- You should take a few minutes to think. - I have thought.
It's over. I know it's over.
And all I have to do is go in there and sign this paper in front of a notary...
and then it's officially over. I'm fine. Please, I'm begging you.
Let me get divorced.
- All right, then. Go ahead. - Thank you.
- I thought you needed stamps. - I can get them later.
- What are you doing? - I just thought I'd give you some privacy.
I'm not taking a shower, I'm signing a paper.
- I'll come back later. - Will you please get in there...
- and buy your stamps? - Okay, fine.
Lots and lots of work.
Welcome to Mail Boxes, Etc. How may I help you?
- You go ahead. - I need to get something notarized.
Terrific. We are happy to help you...
with all of your mailing and notarizing needs.
I will need you to fill out your name and address...
and then I will need a thumbprint.
- I know how it works, Kirk. - You have a pen?
I have a pen.
- What can I do for you today? - I can wait till he's done.
- She needs stamps. - I can wait...
- Just get your stamps. - But...
Oh, my God, the work.
- I need stamps. - Well, your timing is perfect.
The breakfast-food series just came out last week.
Look at the dancing toast.
Aren't they a kick? And here is our cartoon series.
Hey, do you have any Lucille Balls left?
Yes, I have some Balls.
I'm sorry. Are you a fan of the '50s/mid '60s sitcom heroines?
- I don't know. Am I? - I think you are.
Bewitched? I love Bewitched.
Me, too. Dr. Bombay was a big influence on me.
Oh, my God. Serena? I wanted to be Serena with that hair.
And the miniskirts.
And the groovy, psychedelic music.
- Did you practice the twitch? - Who didn't practice it?
Tabitha was so lucky.
And what ever happened to her little brother, Adam?
They determined in Episode 242 that he was a warlock, and then...
I'm trying to get divorced here.
- Sorry. - I'm sorry.
Remember when Endora called him Derwood?
Sorry.
Oh, man. Beat up the toaster again?
The damn thing stopped working.
- You could get another one. - This'll be fine.
Sure. As soon as it learns its place.
You gonna go 10 rounds with the coffee maker, or...
Thank you.
- What happened to your thumb? - It's from the thumbprint yesterday.
I thought they had inkless pads now.
- They do, Kirk doesn't. - Right.
He hasn't even heard of them. He uses the stuff that...
came in the notary kit he sent away for.
I've been scrubbing my thumb for two days.
- I've tried soap, cleaning fluid. - Have you tried fire?
Now, not only am I divorced, every time I look at my black thumb...
I'm reminded that I'm divorced.
- Sorry about your thumb. - It's okay. I have another one.
Hey, you know what might make you feel better?
- What? - Handing me a cherry Danish.
Well, it's certainly worth a try.
[Cell phone ringing]
- Out. - But I just got my coffee.
Follow the thumb.
LORELAI: Hello? RORY: Who is this?
- This is Lorelai Gilmore. - No, this is Lorelai Gilmore.
Ooh. Ghastly.
So you have my phone.
Yes, you left it in the kitchen.
You know what that means, don't you? You miss Mommy.
Yes, or that the refrigerator was empty, and I ordered food.
That makes much more sense.
Hold onto it. I'll get it from you when I see you.
[Cell phone ringing]
Okay. Hold on, hon.
Hello?
I'm officially taking the one hour I have off...
to go to the driving range to hit golf balls to try to improve my sucky game...
thereby redeeming myself in your father's eyes.
I like the use of "sucky" and "thereby" in the same sentence.
- Hey, who's that? - It's Jason.
- Tell him hi. - Hey, Rory says hi.
Tell her hi back.
He says hi back. Hi.
- This is a sickness. - I'll be in, in a minute.
- Who are you talking to? - My other two personalities.
- I'll bring this back inside. - Wait, bite.
A frightening picture of things to come.
- Did you talk to anyone yet? - I left a message for Dad.
I talked to Mom, but she took her morning Mr. Happy pill...
so of course, she was having a happy morning...
and was absolutely no help. But I'm on it.
- A man on a mission. - That's me.
- Fire! - What?
- Nothing. I was just feeling left out. - Oh. Sorry.
I figure, if he doesn't call me back by 4:00, I'll just go over there.
Okay, I'm at the club. I'm gonna hang up now.
LORELAI: Call me later. RORY: Me?
LORELAI: No. JASON: No?
LORELAI: Not you. RORY: Not me?
I'm confused. Who's hanging up now?
- That would be me. - Good. Okay. I'll talk to you later.
- Jason's gone. - Finally had enough of you.
Oh, yeah. It took three hours of my hula-dancing...
"Small World" doll impressions, but I broke him.
So, how's World War III going?
The first boys off the boat were mowed down...
- but the next platoon is moving in. - Which means?
Jason's making the lawsuit go away.
- Have you talked to Grandma or Grandpa? - No.
Have you tried to talk to Grandma or Grandpa yet?
No.
That's my little Kofi Annan.
- Jason will fix it. - Jason's not their daughter.
Then he might have better luck.
Why didn't you tell them you guys were dating?
Oh, come on. You know why.
We were going to tell them when the time was right.
I had no idea we were dealing with the Carringtons.
All we needed was a swimming pool and some ball gowns...
to really end the evening right.
This is unbelievable.
I leave you people alone for an hour and all hell breaks loose.
Hey, let's talk about something happy. How was your paper?
- It sucked. - Why did it suck?
I just couldn't find the right hook.
It didn't feel focused enough. I don't know. Professor Fleming's class is so hard.
Hon, I bet it was great.
You have to say that 'cause you're my mother.
Oh, no. I'm not.
I've been looking for the right time to tell you.
- Okay, I have to go now. - Yeah, me, too. Danish calls.
- Talk to parents. - I'll take advice from you...
- after that paper you turned in? - Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Come on, I want to do a Heavenly Prayer.
Hold on. I'm trying to do a Vulcan Sting...
and I just let you do a Half Moon Death combo.
You didn't let me, I used my Soul Charge.
Guys, the band meeting started 10 minutes ago.
We can hear and play at the same time, Lane.
- What? - What?
Okay, fine.
I'm going to decide the set list without you.
Gil, I think now would be a great time...
to add a little Matchbox Twenty to our sound, don't you?
Thank you, Lane.
You're welcome, Zach. Okay, let's do this.
- The gig is Friday night. - Who's taking care of the guest list?
I need to put my wife down.
We got a sitter that night, so we are free to party.
How many people are we allowed to invite?
My aunt Susan left my uncle Sid, and she's staying with my parents...
and she's bringing my cousin, Turner.
- I'm sure that's fine. - He's always dressed like Zorro.
That still seems fine.
- He's 16. - One less wedding you're gonna...
- have to go to, my friend. - You don't know that.
Here.
What's this?
It's the names of a couple of chicks I met last night.
Put them on the list.
Why am I suddenly in charge of the guest list?
- Because you're the most reliable. - How very rock 'n' roll.
- Hey, wait. Is one of those names Dixie? - Yes.
Wrong night.
I want you guys to see something.
I've been working on the flyer for the gig.
Why is there a sandwich on it?
I used a flyer from the sandwich shop to get the dimensions right.
It's just a prototype.
The real one won't have the sandwich on it.
So, would there be a picture of us instead?
Or put the band name where the sandwich is.
Just the name, I think. Diagonal. Across where the sandwich is.
Everyone needs to stop saying "sandwich." I'm getting hungry.
- Me, too. Do we have anything to eat? - It was your turn to shop.
- Then, no. - Great.
What kind of sandwich is that?
That's the Meatball Explosion.
That sounds fantastic.
I would dress up like Zorro for a Meatball Explosion.
- Why would those be connected? - It'd be like a dare.
- I ate cheesecake off the floor on a dare. - Cheesecake.
Cheesecake would be good with the Meatball Explosion.
- Okay, fine. - Where are you going?
I'm going to go to the store, and I'm going to get us some food...
so maybe we can get back to work. Okay?
Thanks, Mom!
[Front door opening]
Yeah, sure, that's exactly what I meant to do.
Hey, Owen, good to see you.
- Yes. Good to see you too, Jason. - You know, I was gonna call you...
about the changes in those contracts I sent.
I'll call Richard about them tomorrow.
- Okay, or... - Goodbye, Jason.
All of the woodwork was hand-carved by a Union soldier...
that the owner, Mrs. Tinley, took pity on and nursed back to health.
He got better, went off...
slaughtered a few dozen Confederate soldiers...
came back, and made the stairs.
Nice story, yes?
Yes, your American history is all over this inn.
Oh, look, a deer.
I think I know that little guy.
He was here for breakfast this morning. Creep up quietly.
Take a better look.
I have these people in the palm of my hand.
Travel agents are so easy. Are the horses washed?
They're washed.
Because I don't want them to be disgusted by smelly horses.
Trust me. They've been hosed down with New Car Scent. They're great.
Okay, let's see. They saw the deer, we released the doves...
I've got the Stevens boy...
whitewashing the fence, in short pants and a straw hat.
No one can manufacture a quaint, small-town moment like you, Michel.
- Travel agents are coming back. - Adorable, yes?
Okay, let me show you the upstairs, the bedrooms.
Oh, what is that delicious scent?
Why, I bet our amazing chef, Sookie St. James...
is experimenting with her cookie recipe again.
Why don't we sneak into the kitchen...
and see if we can convince her to give us a taste?
Okay? Follow me.
- Coming through! - Coming through!
- Sookie. - I'm okay.
- What happened? - Did you make your cookies?
- Is it your foot? - I don't think I broke it.
I didn't even hear a snap this time.
- What about the cookies? - The cookies are on the counter.
Caramel-marshmallow-chocolate-chunk.
- Where are you taking her? - Dr. Su.
Great. He's the best.
- Call me the minute you get there. - Okay.
God, I love having a kitchen again.
- Put the doctor on so I can talk to him. - I will.
- Hey. - What?
- I'm back. - Okay.
This is a nice surprise.
Well, apparently this is a day for surprises.
Oh. What's the matter?
I spent the entire day trying to track down your father.
Do you want to sit or plant or...
I left messages at his house, on his cell phone...
finally, I went to the office, and he wasn't there.
Okay.
The only people that were there...
were two extremely uncomfortable looking secretaries...
who practically threw their back out to avoid eye contact with me.
- Why? - Why? Yes. A good question.
I asked myself the same thing.
And then I got a call from Richard's lawyer.
- What did he want? - To tell me that Richard...
is going back into business with my father.
What? Jason, no, my father wouldn't do that.
He did it.
- No, that company forced him out. - Now they have welcomed him back in.
He has his own boutique company under their banner...
a big office, no overhead.
Well, there must be some...
And he is taking all our clients with him.
I couldn't believe it.
I thought it was one of those crazy, not-so-funny...
Billy-Crystal-at-the-Oscars kind of jokes...
so I spent the last two hours calling every client I could...
- and they're all gone. - Oh, Jason.
The ones I brought in from my father's company...
the ones I've brought in since. All gone.
How could he do this?
How could my father just take the business from you?
No.
He left me the business, but without the clients...
the business consists of some stationery, a coffee maker...
and some rubber pencil grips.
I don't understand. Why would my father do that?
Because it's brilliant. It's perfect. He gets my dad to drop the lawsuit...
he makes some extra cash, and he's sitting pretty.
- Makes sense. - But he was your partner.
And now he's the guy running around town, badmouthing me.
It is amazing. Your father has done a very thorough job.
I've got nothing. He has ruined my reputation.
What do I do now? I don't know. Move?
- Start over somewhere else? What? - You can't move.
Well, I have to work.
And he's making it pretty impossible for me to work here.
Oh, my God. I'm gonna end up in Houston...
where all the financial wash-ups wash up.
It's gonna be me and the Enron boys...
smoking cigars while their ankle cuffs beep in the background.
- What can I do? - Nothing.
I just needed to vent. I'm okay. Thank you.
- Come in. - No, I can't. I'll call you later.
"I saw then what I had not seen before.
"I saw the stoop of his shoulders, the lines on his face...
"like a map of a country I had once traveled with him.
"I hoped these marks of age reflected wisdom...
"but I feared they were merely tokens, purchased with lack of sleep..."
"And the kind of artificial goodwill..."
"That's squeezed from a man in the public eye..."
"like oil from a rag."
Thank you. You're very kind.
Thank you, Asher Fleming...
for that very moving excerpt from your new novel, Jaglon.
It is an absolutely electric book.
Now, Professor Fleming has been kind enough to give us one hour...
so if you line up behind the table, you can get your book signed...
and then take them to the cash register to purchase them.
- If you'll just follow me. - My pleasure.
God, he was great. Wasn't he great?
- He was very impressive. - He is so commanding.
It's obviously not necessary for a brilliant novelist...
to also be an extraordinary public speaker, but he is.
Yes, he is.
- And he's sexy as hell. - Teacher. Mine. Thanks.
Look at all these girls, just flocking around him.
- They're so obvious. - Hello, there.
Hello, Professor Fleming. I can't tell you what a thrill this is.
- I'm flattered. - You're a genius.
Am I? How delightful.
- I'm buying a copy for everyone I know. - Well, then you should meet more people.
You'll make my publisher's day.
Who is she kidding?
Like he can't see right through the multiple-book-buying ploy?
- What girl hasn't used that one? - God knows I have.
- You want to go up and say hi? - No, thanks. You go.
We won't be disturbing him. I'm his girlfriend.
It's okay. Really.
Are you hiding from him because of your paper?
I'm not hiding.
I just don't need to know how much it sucks before it's time.
You might be overreacting.
Oh. No. Smell that? What's that? Oh, yeah.
I believe that's my paper. Thanks. I'll stay here.
Please. She's going to hover. Pathetic.
Hey, did I show you this? Look.
"To a wise, willful, wonderful woman."
That's me. He dedicated it to me.
- Wow. That's very nice. - I know.
It's not very specific, but it's very nice.
Well, what's he supposed to do, write my name?
- Perish the thought. - You know the situation.
I do.
As long as I know the "wise, willful, wonderful woman" is me...
- who cares who else knows? - You're right. I'm sorry.
- I'm just stressed about my paper. - Don't take your loser paper out on me.
Is he out of water? I'm going to get him some water.
- Paris, I'm sorry. The dedication's nice. - Thanks.
Oh, yes. Like they read.
Well, this was a royal waste of my time. However, there were cookies.
- Hold some so I don't look like a pig. - You didn't enjoy the reading?
I wasn't here to enjoy it.
I was here to cover it, for the paper to go with the review of the book.
And then I arrive only to realize...
that every single available girl at Yale is here...
- including four of my reporters. - I'm not here on paper business.
I'm here because I enjoy books, and because I read books.
- Please. - I do.
- And Paris? - She's with me.
- And Anna and Cassie? - Point, Doyle?
Everybody's here because Fleming's an intellectual dreamboat.
- Well, I'm not here for the dreamboat. - God, that man.
He's got a constant rotation going.
A new girl every year. Very young, of course.
Last year it was Trey Myers. God, was she beautiful.
She looked like a Swedish stewardess.
- Really? - Yes. Then they broke up...
at the end of the term, and she rebounded with a drama major.
- So, any idea who he's seeing now? - Actually, no.
This year's girl is a bit of a mystery.
Maybe he's already broken up with one, and he's trolling for another.
My money's on the redhead.
[Doorbell ringing]
Hi. I'm looking for my father.
- Big guy, bow tie. - Mr. Gilmore's in the living room.
Thank you.
- You're here. - Lorelai.
- I didn't know you were coming over. - I called.
Yes. I haven't been in the mood to talk.
- Well, we need to. - I felt like reading.
Why are you doing this, Dad?
Reading is good for you. You learn things.
Jason was your partner.
If we are going to discuss this, let's go into my office.
Jason was your partner, and he said he was gonna take care of it.
- Lorelai... - No, I'm fine talking right here.
Jason said he was taking care of everything...
and you didn't even give him a chance before you cut him out...
- This is business. - No, you took everything from him, Dad.
You're ruining his reputation.
You're making it impossible for him to work.
I did what I had to do.
- You didn't have to do this. - Thank you for your opinion.
That company was so horrible to you.
They treated you like dirt, they forced you out...
- and you chose them over him? - I am not choosing...
I just don't understand why you would do this.
Is it because of me?
- Are you taking this out on him because... - Did you not hear what the man said?
Did you not hear Floyd threaten to go after everything your mother and I have?
- Yes... - Everything I've worked for. This house...
our livelihood.
There has to be something else you can do.
- Go home, Lorelai. - No, Dad, please...
I'm sorry that I lied to you about dating Jason...
but you can't destroy him like this.
I'm hardly destroying him.
You took his entire business. You've left him with nothing.
- He's talking about moving. Leaving. - So what?
So? I'm in a relationship with him.
- Then go with him. - You know I can't go with him.
I have a business, I have a house, I have Rory.
I can't just pick up and leave.
- Well, then, you've made your choice. - Dad, stop it.
I am tired of this, Lorelai.
You've shown absolutely no concern about what happens to me...
what happens to your mother.
You only care about what happens to your boyfriend!
And the worst part of it...
is that I never expected you to act any differently.
Is it really necessary?
- Is what really necessary? - Going after Jason like this.
- I didn't know you were a fan of Jason's. - I'm not. I'm just concerned.
What are you concerned about, Emily?
It took us a long time to get Lorelai back into this house...
and she is dating Jason.
What are you saying?
I worry that if you do this, you'll drive Lorelai away again.
- And if she goes, Rory might go. - She lied to us.
To you. To me.
I am very well aware of what she did.
The last time I checked, you didn't care for being lied to.
Don't be condescending. I don't like being lied to.
We can't control what Lorelai will do. Rory won't go away.
I'm doing what I have to do.
Who does she think she is?
Walking out of my house like she owned the place.
Your mom didn't just go out and get another kid.
Korea is where you go to get new kids. Ask anyone.
There has to be another explanation.
The explanation is, I've been replaced.
- You have not been replaced. - She was wearing my bunny sweater.
You hated that sweater. That's why you left it there.
She also had my second-least-favorite scarf...
and she was eating my apple.
What apple?
The one my mom would give me if I was still there.
Which you don't. By your own choice, might I add.
- Now you're taking her side. - I'm not taking her side.
I've been replaced.
Drop by when you're in town, meet your new best friend.
Tip her well when she waits on you at Luke's.
Head over to the church with her, share a pew.
My mom has found a new daughter.
I bet this one can needlepoint.
I've got to go.
Paris said I could use 10 daytime minutes on her phone...
and then, her exorbitant prevailing rates apply.
I'll call you back when I get to my room.
- Are you coming to the gig on Friday? - Yes. What time do you go on?
- 8:00, which means 8:30. - Shoot. Friday night dinner.
- Oh, I forgot. - I don't think I'll make it in time.
That's okay.
- But I want to see your gig. - We will have other gigs.
By then the other Lane will be drumming in the band.
As long as she's got a good downbeat...
Have you gone out for the pep squad yet?
- I'll call you in a little while. Bye. - Bye.
- Excuse me. - Right.
A B-minus. Oh, thank God.
- Not bad. - Are you kidding?
A B-minus in Fleming's class is like an A anywhere else in sane America.
Let's celebrate.
[Loud rock music playing upstairs]
- College is loud! - Yes, it's part of our training.
It's right up there with the bad food, the sleep deprivation...
and how to hold your own hair while throwing up.
- What are you doing here? - Inn stuff.
I had to pick up hinges and doorknobs and faucets.
And I figured, while I was in the 'hood, I'd drop this off.
- Hey, thanks. - You're welcome.
Hey, you didn't have to do that.
You could've given it to me at Friday night dinner.
I could have.
Unless you're not going for it.
- You're not going to Friday night dinner. - Rory?
- Why? - Things have gotten worse.
How could they be worse? They were already at worse.
Dad is going after Jason, and...
it's complicated, but it's really bad.
And I went there to try to talk to him about it...
and he was horrible. He said awful things to me.
- Like what? - Like things.
It doesn't matter, but I can't just go and sit there and...
make small talk and pretend that everything's okay.
- Mom... - Because it's not okay.
You were mad, he was mad, you said some things...
- No, Rory. - No. Now, I don't doubt that it was bad.
You and Grandpa can make each other crazy...
but maybe once he calmed down, he was sorry.
- He is not sorry. - You could be wrong.
Maybe if we go over there...
and give him a chance to make it right, he would.
Oh, boy, honey, you're living in fuzzy-puppy land.
It's important to me you don't back out of these dinners.
It's the only time the whole family gets together.
Sometimes, it's the only time that I get to see you...
and I like having it there.
- It's really important to me. - Rory, come on.
I'm serious.
Please, just give him a chance to make it up to you. Please.
I'll be there. I'll be your buffer.
- You will, huh? - Absolutely.
They can focus on me, you can focus on me.
What about when he throws his glass of water in my face?
Then I will get very wet.
- I'm holding you to that. - Yes.
[Loud rock music playing]
Wow.
Caesar, I need a turkey burger, fries, well done...
and I'm still waiting for that grilled cheese and tomato.
- Patience is a virtue. - Light a candle, and tell it to the pope.
- I want my grilled cheese, pronto. - Excuse me, Lane?
Yes, Kirk.
- I'm a little confused. - About what, Kirk?
Well, I'm looking at this flyer you gave me...
and what exactly do you have to do to get the sandwich?
What?
Does everyone who shows up get a sandwich?
Or is it first come, first sandwich?
That's a mistake. The sandwich isn't supposed to be there.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that's just a flyer for our band.
- We're playing Friday at 8:30. - So, there's no sandwiches?
- No. - Then, why would I go?
- To hear some great music. - Oh.
KIRK: Can I bring my own sandwich? LUKE: Hey, Lane.
I know it's time for your break now...
but is it okay if I let Caesar take his?
He owes me a grilled cheese.
I'll do it. He's gotta go to the bank or something.
To be honest, I wasn't paying too much attention...
- because he was bugging me. - No problem.
Thanks.
I'm taking my 10!
[Door opening and closing]
That looks like it travels well.
- Who are you? - Hi.
- What are you doing here? - Where?
- Why are you living in my house? - Your house?
- That house right there. It's mine. - I'm staying there.
- Why? Are we related? - I hope not.
- How do you know Mrs. Kim? - I am exchange student from Seoul.
I'm here for three months, and Mrs. Kim is my host.
- Exchange student, huh? - Yes.
- Who are you? - I'm Mrs. Kim's daughter.
- She did tell you she had a daughter? - Yes.
Well, she does, and it's me.
You can try whatever you want. I will still be her daughter.
Why are you so mad?
- Because you stole my life. - I did not steal your life.
You're living in my room. You're wearing my clothes.
And don't tell me you always looked like that.
[Speaking Korean]
I'm not very crazy!
How'd you like it if I moved into your house?
Why don't you just go back home?
You don't have to feel sorry for Mrs. Kim! Mrs. Kim is fine!
And give me back my sweater, and my second-least-favorite scarf!
On Tuesday...
we'll continue our look at neglect of the individual...
as a hallmark of modern government.
Be prepared to discuss Kafka's The Trial.
Yes, if all goes well, it'll get very ugly.
Thank you, everyone.
Very nice job on your paper, Miss Gilmore.
Oh, thank you.
You know, Professor Fleming...
I was actually a little surprised by my grade.
Were you?
Well, you deserved it. You did good work.
To be honest, I don't feel like I did.
Ah...
- A perfectionist. - No, I'm not a perfectionist.
I just know when I do well and when I don't.
You know, this sounds as if you're questioning your grade.
Maybe I am.
Well, this is a first.
Today alone, I've heard complaints from two Ds...
four Cs, and an F, but...
not from an A.
In fact, in 35 years of teaching...
I've never heard from an A.
I just want to be sure that the grade I got is...
what I deserve.
What exactly are you saying?
Just that if the grade I got...
wasn't legitimately earned, then I have no interest in it.
How very noble of you.
I intend to earn all of my grades. I don't want any favors.
And why exactly would you think...
that I'd be inclined to grant you any favors?
- I'm not saying that you are. - You're not?
Well, then I must have misunderstood this conversation.
- I'm just saying that... - Yes?
That I want to earn all of my grades.
- Yes, you've already said that. - No matter how many...
"wise, willful, and wonderful women" I know.
Have you quite finished?
I suppose I have.
Oh, before you go any further...
let me assure you that I do not give grades that are not earned.
I gave you an A because your argument was well structured...
your writing was clear and concise...
and you drew a connection from Marsilius of Padua...
to Machiavelli to the modern age of media that...
Ph.D. candidates would envy.
In fact, no one else's paper was that thoroughly researched.
Except for the other person who also got an A.
You did what was demanded, and you did it well.
And I would seriously caution you not to question my grading tactics again.
Okay. Thanks for the A.
And the redhead has fat thighs.
- Come on. - Hey, there's no hurry. We're early.
But we're here, we might as well go in and get it over with.
Okay, just relax, why don't you?
I would like to stop and smell the roses, if you don't mind.
- Mom. - You're young and you don't understand.
I'm old, I'm dying, I'm gonna smell a rose.
I don't see a rose. I think there's one next door.
You're being a tad ridiculous. Come on.
On a scale of one to a million...
how awful do you think tonight will be?
Well, how high a number did you think...
the walk up the driveway was?
[Lorelai groaning]
You know, I wonder which tack my dad's gonna pick tonight.
I bet he goes with the silent treatment.
- Or maybe he won't. - Yeah, you're right.
He might prefer the full-on frontal assault.
You know, just constant mental flogging...
right from "ding-dong" through till "drive safe."
- At least he said "drive safe." - No. It wasn't him. It was the maid.
Right.
Or maybe dad will be fine, and Emily will be on the attack.
Yeah, a little "good cop-bad cop", if you know what I mean.
Keep me on my toes. I won't be expecting that.
Except that you are. Ready?
Okay. Wait, just wait.
We can still leave.
No.
Right now is the point in the horror movie...
where the entire audience yells, "Don't go in there!"
I will be right beside you, okay?
Okay. But I'm telling you...
if my dad gets ugly, I'm out of there.
Lorelai. Rory. You're early.
- Yeah, no traffic. - No?
Well, that's very...
Come in.
- Did you hit much traffic? - No. No traffic at all.
Well, good.
Nothing like an hour stuck in traffic to ruin your complete day.
Should I take your coats?
- That's okay. We can just put them here. - All right.
Well, you're early, so I'm not quite organized yet...
but, shall we have some drinks?
- Okay. - All right.
There's no ice. Do we need ice?
Of course we need ice.
There's some in the kitchen. I'll go get it.
Okay.
He doesn't seem mad.
All depends on which definition of "mad" you're going with.
Mom.
Lorelai. Rory. You're early.
Yeah, we didn't hit any traffic, so...
Well, it's nice to see you.
- Where were you? - When?
- Just now. - Oh, well, I had to run out to the store.
- To get what? - They were out.
- Emily, the girls are early. - I see that.
- Is that ice? - Yes.
We need it to make the drinks.
[Ice spilling]
Oh, shoot.
You should take the bucket into the kitchen the next time.
Yes, that would've been the smart thing to do.
I was making drinks.
- So, Rory, how is school? - It's fine.
- I just got an A on a paper. - Oh, well, that's wonderful.
- You gonna let go of that purse, Mom? - What?
You're holding pretty tightly to your purse there.
- You look like someone's Tante Flickman. - I just...
- There. - Okay.
- It's new. - The purse?
Yes, it's new. I'm trying to break it in.
- Sure. Otherwise, you'd get blisters. - Well, here we are.
- Lorelai. - Thank you.
Soda for Rory.
Emily.
Good.
Cheers.
So, Rory, how's school?
Fine. I just got an A on a paper.
- Has she told you about the traffic? - Dinner's ready.
It is?
It's only just 7:00 now.
I'm sorry. What time did you want dinner?
You didn't tell me, so...
You know what? It's all right. We'll just eat now.
- Now? - Okay.
- What do we do with... - Just take your drinks to the table.
- Take our drinks to the... - I'll grab the cocktail napkins.
- Mom, you left your purse. - Oh, yes.
- Mom. - What?
- I was just kidding, Mom. - You.
Okay, so every time they ask you about school or traffic...
- just do a shot. - Shh.
Thank you.
So what's for dessert?
- We're not having dessert. - We're not?
- I'm on a diet. - Americans are extremely fat.
- I think they prefer "Rubenesque." - You're not fat, Grandma.
Well, thank you, Lorelai.
She was close.
Well, okay.
If we're not having dessert, then we should go.
- All right. - See you next Friday.
Thank you for coming.
- Thank you for having us. - Oh, wait.
The Gordons gave us some wonderful chocolate last week.
They brought it back from Belgium.
- You can take it with you. - No, Mom. That's okay.
We're fine.
These are really good chocolates, Lorelai.
- I'm sure they are, Dad. - Did you find them, Emily?
- We can just get them next time. - Oh, nonsense.
- You can eat them on the way home. - Here they are.
I've got them. One for you and one for you.
- Enjoy. - We will.
Okay, we're leaving now.
- Have a good evening and get some sleep. - All right.
Good night.
- What the hell was that? - I don't know.
Jack Nicholson and Angelina Jolie just kicked us out with parting gifts.
Dessert to go.
As much as an early end to Friday night dinner appeals to me...
that was just weird.
She made a tinfoil swan.
What was with the drinks and the dinner? Where was she coming from?
- I don't know. - She had to "run to the store" since when?
- I don't know. - She came back with nothing.
And the purse. Did you notice the purse?
They say people change as they get older.
I just didn't think it was all in one week.
There is something wrong here.
- Why is my mother's car here? - She was in a hurry?
My mother never parks her car in the driveway...
because the car might drip oil and make a spot on the concrete...
and then life as we know it would end.
- What are you doing? - Just seeing what's in her car.
- Why? - Because. I don't know.
I just feel like something's up.
- She's coming. - Who?
- Mom. Hurry. - What are you doing?
Good shoes.
- She's leaving. Where's she going? - I don't know.
She left her house with dry cleaning, and she drove off?
- She's meeting friends? - Tonight, after dinner?
Maybe.
I'm sorry. This might be crazy, but...
is my mom not staying here tonight?
Well...
[Band playing Time Bomb by Rancid]
Great gig. Awesome gig.
You're starting to wheeze on the beat, dude.
I've been practicing.
Man, I am feeling it. We have hit the next level.
- We have, haven't we? - You heard the crowd.
Dude, what was with the shirt raise?
When I'm playing like that, there is no room for clothes.
We need a sign, because I was staring right at you when you took it off.
I felt like putting $1 in your pants.
- I wouldn't turn it down. - Brian, honey.
Hey, Mom.
- You kids were excellent. - Thanks, Dad.
- Hey, Aunt Susan. Hey, Turner. - Hey, Brian.
I brought carrot sticks.
- You want a carrot stick, Brian? - Yeah, thanks.
- He really does wear a Zorro costume. - I got to go find my wife.
I'm so jazzed right now. That was great!
We have never played that good.
- You've never played that good. - Really?
You've never given me a compliment, ever.
What am I, your mother?
Ew.
What? Oh.
- Who is that? - I think it's his wife.
Seriously, that is just wrong.
He should celebrate. We all should celebrate.
Stay out all night, hit the clubs, and talk about our Rolling Stone cover...
I'm thinking, the Garden of Eden theme.
Hi, Zach.
Shannon.
- You remembered? - I can read a napkin, sweetheart.
- Nice pants. - You're a god.
And we shall discuss this further at the bar.
So, what did you think of the lyrics?
So I spent all morning on the phone...
calling every hotel in the area with a decent high tea...
and there she was.
Grafton Hotel, Room 421. Check-out date: Indefinite.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe my parents are separated.
I dreamed about this as a kid.
Of course, my scenario also involved...
my mother finding her inner Timothy Leary...
and moving us all out to a commune in Berkeley, but still...
I was convinced that these people should not be together...
but you know what? I was wrong.
Richard and Emily Gilmore were made for each other.
God, this is so freaky.
And I'm not supposed to know, and we won't talk about it...
because we don't do that in our family.
We repress everything, and we refuse to go to therapy...
because why tell a stranger your problems...
when you can use them to punish those around you?
So what now?
Every Friday I'm supposed to pretend that they still live together...
and then after we leave...
my mother will get in her car and drive back to the hotel?
The hotel. My mother's living in a hotel. It's weird. It's just incredibly weird.
I'm sorry. I just needed to vent.
- You have every right. - I'm done now.
There's nothing I can do about them, so...
Talk to me. You were gonna tell me something.
I'm suing your father.
I have to, Lorelai.
No, you don't.
I've gone over it. I've weighed every option.
I have to respond.
I cannot just sit here and do nothing...
when my entire career is going up in flames.
Jason, please. Don't do this.
Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe he'll settle.
- He won't settle. - It's just business.
Oh, my God. I'm so sick of hearing people say that.
You know I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to.
You don't have to.
If I intend to continue working in my chosen profession...
then, yeah, I have to.
Don't be just a business guy. Put this on another level. Please.
- I can't. - Unbelievable.
Lorelai, I have no choice. I have to fight back.
- Jason. - I will keep you out of this. I promise.
I can't be with someone who's suing my family.
- Lorelai, come on. - I'm sorry.
- You saw what your father did to me. - I know what he did to you.
And he is not gonna stop until there's nothing left.
- I'm asking you not to do this. - Ask me something else. Anything else.
- This is what I want. - You know how hard I work.
My job is who I am. I can't lose everything.
You have to understand why I'm doing this.
I do understand.
But I can't be with someone who's suing my family.
Lorelai.