I'm back.
RORY: Kitchen.
I couldn't make up my mind...
so I got The Shining and Bringing Up Baby.
Now, I know you're thinking:
"One's a movie about a homicidal parent, and the other one's..."
- Hello. - Hi.
- Hi, Mom. - What'd you break?
Nothing. The broiler.
But this came for you and Max.
We're thinking it's a wedding present.
"Lorelai Gilmore and Max Medina." Guess news doesn't always travel fast.
- Are you gonna open it? - No.
Aren't you curious?
No, just leave it there. I'll take it back tomorrow.
But there's not a return address.
- Isn't there a card? - No.
- Maybe there's one inside. - With a return address.
You'd have to open it to find out.
Fine. Give me a knife.
This is so exciting. Maybe not.
An ice-cream maker!
A Musso Lussino 480.
Somebody sent a fascist ice-cream maker?
Italian design, stainless steel body, chrome finish.
And no card. Perfect.
Jackson just got in his apple crop. We can make cider ice cream.
We can, using his ice cream maker. But Il Duce here is going back.
To where? Maybe it's an orphan.
That's right. We'd be giving it a home.
Once again, I bring up the fact that this is a wedding present.
As I am not getting married, neither God's law...
nor Emily Post allows me to keep this.
But isn't there a rule about late presents?
Like, if it arrives after a certain date, the giver forfeits all rights of return.
- Exactly. - Nice try.
It's true. I saw it on Martha Stewart.
She was doing a double program. The first half was on massaging your dog.
And she had this chow, and she was rubbing it...
But the second half was about gifts, and she said if it arrives after 10 weeks...
- Eight. - Eight weeks, you don't have to return it.
Clearly this is shaping up to be one of those moments...
that Saint Peter will show on the big video screen when I die...
and I, for one, don't want to see us staggering around...
with ice cream slathered all over our faces...
while my soul hangs in the balance.
So until I can find out who sent this, no one goes near it.
And we're watching The Shining.
I bet Max would let us keep it.
Believe it or not, Shakespeare probably never intended his plays...
to be read by students sitting at desks...
more concerned with getting A's than with the fate of Macbeth.
His plays were meant to be experienced, lived.
So, with that in mind...
together with my third-period Shakespeare...
you will be split into five groups.
And each group will assume responsibility for one act of Romeo and Juliet...
which will be performed a week from Sunday.
You will nominate the director...
you will cast the scene, rehearse the scene...
and interpret the scene in your own individual manner.
Last year we did Richard lll. One group did their scene as the Mafiosi.
Another set theirs during the Roman empire.
And my favorite, the climactic last scene...
was set during the final days of The Sonny and Cher Show.
Just remember, whatever interpretation you choose...
should highlight the themes you see in the scene.
[School bell ringing]
And if the love of the Bard's language still doesn't inspire you...
remember, this will be 50% of your final grade.
- Act Five. - Act Five.
- Act Five? - Act Five.
Why don't they sew our sides together and rename us Chang and Eng?
- Rory. - Henry, hi.
Act Three, sword fight. You?
Act Five, death scene.
- Nice. So, tonight at 8:00? - I'll tell Lane.
- Rory, sorry to interrupt. - Hi, Henry.
But see, we're all there trying to map out a game plan and rehearsal schedule...
and I'm sure whatever you two are talking about here...
is so much more fascinating and important and, let's just say it, fun...
but I'd really like to get an A on this assignment, and to do that...
you'll have to discuss your sock hops and clambakes some other time.
Okay? Thanks.
That was scary.
It'll be a lot scarier once she gets a megaphone in her hands.
PARIS: I say we meet in the cafeteria.
The acoustics are very similar to Grant Hall, and...
Look who showed up.
- Sorry. - Save it.
Look who's back from suspension.
RORY: Tristin got suspended again?
You hadn't noticed he'd been gone?
- What did he do? - Took apart Mr. McCaffey's car...
and put it back together in the science building hallway.
- You're kidding. - Not by himself.
Duncan and Bowman were there, too.
Plus the mechanics they paid to do the actual work.
Anyone dumb enough to hang out with Butch Cassidy and the Sun-dunce Kid...
- deserves whatever they get. - How'd he fall in with them?
The year started, and there they were. Side by side.
And practically dressing the same.
It's very On the Town.
Watch it.
Aunt Bobbie, hi. It's Lorelai, Richard and Emily's girl.
I'm the one with...
That's right. Wow, you don't hear the word "wedlock" much anymore.
I'm home.
Really? The Bible said all that, huh?
Did it mention me by name? I mean, okay, I'm just kidding.
Judging by your Billy Graham impression...
I am guessing you didn't send me an ice cream maker...
so maybe you could just give me Aunt Clarissa's phone number?
No, I hadn't heard. That's terrible.
Then I guess she had it coming, didn't she?
Listen, I'd love to chat about who else in the family is currently...
or soon to be headed for Hell, but I've got to run.
I promise to call in the next 20 years, okay?
Bye-bye.
Scary. My parents are turning out to be the normal ones in the family.
- No luck? - I still have the Pennsylvania Gilmores.
How was your day?
I have to perform Act Five of Romeo and Juliet...
- with Paris, Madeline, and Louise. - Really?
Paris appointed herself as director.
- Nice. What part are you playing? - Don't know yet.
She's still mulling over the screen tests. We'll find out tomorrow.
- Screen tests? - Twenty-four takes.
- I so want a copy. - Forget it.
Sell it on the Internet. Make a fortune.
"First we brought you Pamela and Tommy Lee."
"Now prepare yourselves for the crazy antics of Rory and the Bard!"
I told Paris you'd make all of our costumes.
She wants to have a concept meeting with you tomorrow at 3:00.
What?
She needs a résumé and samples of your previous work and referrals.
And my bare butt to kiss.
If that'll set you apart from the other applicants, yes.
I didn't know there was someone in our family named Bunny.
Cross her off the list.
Poor Bunny.
[Phone ringing]
Hello?
Henry, hi.
Am I late?
No, right on time. Hold on.
I'm heading for class.
There's pizza/Luke's money on the table for dinner.
Thank you.
Kim's Antiques.
Hello, Mrs. Kim. This is Rory. May I please speak with Lane?
- Lane is studying. - Wait, mama!
- Mama, is that for me? - Why?
I was just expecting a call from Rory, and I...
You do your Math? History?
- Biology? - No.
Why?
I'm not taking Biology. I took it last year.
That's it? One year and you know all there is to know?
Tomorrow we look into private school.
Mama, please, the phone?
Five minutes. I'm counting.
Hello?
Lane. Hold on.
- Henry? - Here.
- Lane? - Here.
Okay, guys, talk to you later.
So, Rory, how are you?
I'm good. How're you doing?
Okay, I'm gone.
Do me a favor and make some of those calls for me.
- Aren't you going a little far with this? - What do you mean?
I know you want to return the ice cream maker...
but you did make an honest effort to contact the person that sent this...
It's called closure, hon. I need it, okay?
Okay. Uncle Randolph.
Sorry, guys.
- They'll be off in a sec. - Okay. Don't wait too long.
I think Randolph was Bunny's older brother.
Got it.
Once again, ladies and gentlemen, she takes the last burrito.
- And hello to you, too. - Week after week. How do you do it?
I told you, correct change. Go in for that dollar-bill nonsense...
you'll be standing there for 10 minutes watching it.
[Lorelai mimicking vending machine]
I thought you had a special relationship with this vending machine.
Only in the sense that it keeps me alive.
I actually have a theory on that.
Ever since we were children, we got our nourishment from our mothers.
Okay. Are you trying to gross me out so I can't eat my burrito?
- Now we're getting it from machines. - Your point being?
It's a conspiracy getting us ready for the day...
when we'll all be raised by machines. No human contact whatsoever.
You know my mother, don't you?
The Twilight Zone marathon was on all week.
So all this is a way of saying you want to look at my notes on the reading.
- Such perception. - And in one so young and beautiful.
Frightening, isn't it?
I feel bad doing this every week.
Really? I'd have thought you'd have gotten used to it by now.
Come on, Lorelai. I've got to pay you back somehow.
How about you let me take you out to dinner one night?
Dinner?
Maybe even somewhere that doesn't require correct change.
Unless you're firmly into the coin thing. Then I know a good Automat.
- I don't know. - I was kidding about the Automat.
No, an Automat is fine.
It's just, my schedule's kind of crazy for the next couple weeks.
Okay. It was just a thought.
But if you suddenly get an opening, give me a call.
Great. Sure. Thanks.
- Enjoy the notes. - Thank you. Enjoy the burrito.
[Singing] We're the Monkees Where's Paris?
She'll be here in a minute. She said had to get some things.
- Hi. I'm Rory. - Brad. From third-period Shakespeare.
He's the answer to our "lack of boys" problem. Isn't that swell?
- Maybe we should start. - Without Paris?
That could be lethal.
We could decide on what motif we want to do.
We're doing traditional Elizabethan.
- I thought the point was to... - The point is to get an A...
not to make Romeo and Juliet into a Vegas lounge act.
Besides, we have the death scene. It's classic. It's famous. Who are you?
I'm Brad...
from third-period Shakespeare, ma'am.
I want everyone to read the chapters on acting...
I photocopied out of Houseman's memoirs tonight.
Everyone will be off-book by Friday...
and if you plan on missing rehearsal, you'd better bring a coroner's note.
Tell me you didn't just have that lying around.
We're short on boys. That makes you Romeo.
- Louise, you can play the friar. - Excuse me?
- The gang's all here. - This is a meeting.
- Sorry I'm late. - What do you think you're doing?
Professor Anderson forgot to include me when she made up the groups.
So she told me to pick one.
Fine. You have four other acts to choose from. Take your pick.
Summer's in Act One, Beth and Jessica are in Act Two...
Kate's in Act Three...
Claire, Cathy and Mary are in Act Four.
This is the only one free of ex-girlfriends.
So we're being punished for our good taste?
Paris, you hurt me.
Do you no longer have any need for me at all?
Yes, we have great need. You can be our Romeo.
- Brad is Romeo. - Put in your other contact, grandma.
Tristin is Romeo. Brad can be the second guard on the left.
- No. - She's kind of right, Paris.
Tristin was born to be Romeo.
I'm the director and I'll decide who's born to be what. And Brad is Romeo.
- Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. - What'd you say?
Someone's letting her personal feelings interfere with her leadership.
My only feeling is I don't want to give the most important part...
to someone who can't even manage to stay in school.
I'm just going to say one thing. 50% of our final grade.
Is there going to be any scratching, or is it just a verbal thing?
What do you think about this?
Well...
How are you at speaking in front of a lot of people?
I tend to throw up.
Fine. But I swear, you flake on this, and you'll pray you get suspended.
[Pager beeping]
- I've got to run. Are we done here? - Rehearsal tomorrow night.
Good. So now Brad can be Friar Tuck, and I can be Juliet.
Wrong. Juliet's supposed to be chaste.
- Then... - And she has more than three lines.
No.
- Too late. - Can't be. We haven't done anything yet.
You're Juliet. You're the best public speaker here...
you have the waif thing down, and you'll look great dead.
Next order of business.
I did some location scouting this morning, and I think the courtyard...
Okay, here we go. Low-fat whole-wheat blueberry pancakes.
- Are there 12? - 12 what?
Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.
- Or what? - What do you mean, "Or what?"
- What happens if you eat 13 blueberries? - This is a silly conversation.
- Would you die? - Just hand me the plate.
- Only if you don't count. - I won't count.
Swear. Raise your right hand and say, "May Destiny's Child break up..."
"If I count these blueberries."
- Pick another group. - Nope.
I hate you!
Wow.
Got to start getting in earlier.
- Hey, I remember you. - I am donating it to the Inn.
- Honey, that's very thoughtful. - Yes, it is.
But we have an ice cream maker, a professional one.
It means we can make enough ice cream for everyone in the Inn...
- whereas this little guy... - Fernando.
Fernando, try as he might, can only make enough ice cream for you.
- So we don't need him here? - No, we don't.
Can't you find some use for him? I mean, he's new and shiny.
It's not his fault he's part of the other life I almost had...
but don't have now, and kind of don't want to be reminded of.
- I guess I can put my change in him. - Thank you.
- Honey, can I say something? - Shoot.
- I'm a little concerned about you. - Why?
You just seem very emotional about this ice cream maker.
- I am not. - You named the ice cream maker.
- I name everything. - You didn't name the toaster.
Poppy.
- You just made that up. - I did not.
All right, but admit it. Poppy is a damn good name for a toaster.
It's been quite a while since you and Max broke up.
- I'm fine, Sookie. - Okay, you're fine.
- But are you moving on? - Yes, I'm moving on.
How many dates have you had post-Max?
- What's that got to do with anything? - You're hibernating.
- I'm not hibernating. - Yes, you are.
Look at this skirt. I'm not hibernating.
Then how many dates have you been on?
I was engaged. You don't just get over that.
But you went through your mourning period.
- And you said it was over. - It was. Is.
Are you at least putting the vibe out there, so they'll know you're available?
If it'll make you feel any better, I just got asked out the other night.
What? You're kidding. Who is he?
- Some guy from my business class. - Business class.
He's a pretty cool guy, actually. He's cute, funny...
He's a little younger, but he's very sharp.
We have this little bit going about me stealing his burrito.
"Stealing his burrito." You kids.
- No, like a real burrito. - You've stolen his burrito.
- Okay, forget the burrito. - Fine. When are you guys going out?
- I didn't exactly say yes. - Why not? You've already got the skirt.
I don't know. What if it doesn't work out? And the class will be weird...
and it'll definitely screw up our burrito bit.
Honey, come on, every guy doesn't have to be "the guy."
Isn't it too soon for the transition guy?
Don't think of him as the transition guy.
Think of him as the pre-transition guy.
- Pre-transition guy? You're allowed that? - Absolutely.
I've got to read the rule book more carefully.
- So? - So I will call him later tonight.
Great! That's so great!
[Sookie exclaiming]
- It's all or nothing, Sparky. - Damn you!
She's letting you go? That's amazing. What changed her mind?
I let her watch Romeo and Juliet with Leo and Claire Danes.
- I'd have thought she hated it. - She did.
But trust my mom to turn one of the world's great love stories...
into a cautionary tale of what happens when children disobey their parents.
So you're not any closer to telling your parents about Henry?
What are the options if I tell them? They hate him, and it's over.
They love him, so he becomes odious to me, and it's over.
Things are fine the way they are.
Calling him Rory on the phone, in case your mom's listening?
I've grown fond of my cage, Rory. Bye.
What dost my lady think?
That you're going to be late for the joust?
I meant of thy lovely headdress crafted by thy mother's artful hand.
It pleaseth me mucheth...
but hath my beauteous mother looked at the time?
Crap.
[Phone ringing]
Hello.
Two other groups are rehearsing in the Grant Hall...
even though I reserved it way in advance and confirmed the reservation twice.
They're going to be there, I don't want them spying on us.
The ending to Romeo and Juliet isn't exactly a secret.
- Hello, our interpretation? - Right.
I found a web site called miss-patty.net. It's in your town.
- There's a miss-patty.net? - Have you heard of it?
Is it big enough? The site says it's 720 square feet.
I'd rather just rehearse somewhere else.
I got enough to be worried about without you being embarrassed of where you live.
I'm not embarrassed.
I want to keep my school life and home life separate.
Tough. Madeline and Louise are on their way.
See you in half an hour.
Have you seen my bag with the beads and the fur that looks like Stalin's head?
- We're rehearsing here now. - What?
Paris didn't want anyone spying on us, so now we're rehearsing in Stars Hollow.
This sucks.
So you don't have to drive to Hartford. Why the face?
- Tristin is in our group. - Yeah, you told me.
So Tristin, he's in our group, so that means he's...
And Dean lives here, so this sucks.
Know what? I'm going to need a few more vowels here.
- I have to tell him. - Tell who?
- Dean. - Tell Dean what?
That Tristin and I, that we kissed at that stupid party.
I have no choice.
Because if Tristin sees Dean, he'll tell him...
and then it'll be worse, because it'll be like I kept it from him.
- Okay, just calm down. - Which I was.
I was keeping it from him. I can't believe it. Now I have to tell him.
- You're right. - I am?
- I think you should tell him. - Of course. I have to.
Then, at the play, right as Tristin enters to find you dead...
and pulls out the vial of poison to kill himself...
Dean can leap from the audience and rip his head off...
adding a level of reality few productions have seen before.
You'll get an A, the Actors Studio will go nuts...
you'll have James Lipton asking you what your favorite swear word is.
- It's a great plan. - You, not helping.
To prevent a homicide? Yes, I am.
I have to tell him. I don't have a choice.
Okay. Fine.
- Try it out on me first. - What?
Pretend I'm Dean.
If you're going to tell him this, you better have down what you'll say.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
Okay.
- Dean. - Rory.
- Sorry. Serious now. - Okay, Dean.
Remember last year, when we had broken up...
and we weren't together anymore because we'd broken up?
Good, mention it three times. Keep going.
There was this party, and I went, and Tristin was there.
And somehow, I'm not really sure how, we ended up in a room together...
- and we kissed. - You and Tristin?
- On the hand? - No.
- Cheek? - No.
- He kissed you, or you kissed him? - Both.
- So you kissed him? - Yes.
- When? - I already told you three times.
- When we were broken up. - Not a good idea to yell at him right now.
- When during the breakup? - What do you mean?
I mean, how long after we broke up did you kiss Tristin?
- Just the night after we broke up. - The night after I told you I loved you?
The next night, after I told you I loved you, you kissed Tristin?
- I'm a terrible person. - Hold on.
He's absolutely right. He told me he loved me...
and the next night, I go and kiss Tristin.
That was me, not Dean.
- I hate myself. - You didn't do anything wrong.
You were hurt and confused and broken up. You did nothing wrong.
- Tell that to Dean. - We're not telling Dean anything.
I know you are Miss Honesty. I have seen the banner in the closet.
But this kind of honesty will only make you feel less guilty...
and it's going to hurt Dean very much.
It's possibly going to screw up the really good thing you have going now.
- Do you want that? - No, I don't.
All right, then. Relax. Be calm. Everything will be fine.
I've got to go.
Can I ask you one more question?
- Do you think my hair looks cool? - Bye.
'Cause some days I wake up and I'm, like, "Cool."
- Some days, I'm, like, "Could be cooler." - I won't wait up for you.
Today I got up and I was, like, "Left side cool, right side not so cool."
Bye.
Just listen to your breathing and let the world melt away.
And in.
And out.
And in.
Excuse me. We reserved this place for 8:00 sharp, and my watch says 8:04.
Tell it to go outside and have a smoke. You can't rush a cool-down, sweetheart.
I understand the whole Mystic Pizza, small-town...
we-don't-let-a-clock-run-our-lives thing.
But I come from the big city, where money talks.
I'm paying good money for this place, and I have a schedule to keep.
Be careful, darling, or your face is going to freeze like that.
What's with the cast from Cocoon?
Where's Tristin? He said he was coming with you.
He's here. He just went over to the market.
- What? - He needed cigarettes...
in case we didn't know that he was bad.
I'll be right back.
- Where are you going? - I'll just be a sec.
Okay, now they're just sleeping.
Excuse me, stock boy, could you tell me where I could find the shortening?
Now that is a fine-looking apron. I mean, really sensational.
What are you doing here?
To be honest, there's something I wanted to ask you.
In your professional opinion, which one would make my cakes fluffier?
You drove all the way here just to be a jerk?
There aren't enough people who can't stand you in Hartford?
- I'm here for Rory. - What?
- The play, Romeo and Juliet? - What about it?
I'm Romeo. She's Juliet. Come on, she must have told you.
- She did tell you, didn't she? - I think you'd better leave.
I am so sorry. I am such a klutz.
Here. On me. This should cover it.
You know what? I hope for Rory's sake that you got an understudy.
- Hi. I need to talk to you. - What is he doing here?
- I got something to settle with this guy. - Outside, please.
All right! I'm outside.
Sorry I didn't tell you before, but Tristin...
Is playing Romeo to your Juliet. I heard.
He wasn't even in our group at first, then no one else wanted him...
then Paris moved our rehearsal to here, and I didn't have time to tell you.
You and Tristin get thrown together a lot.
It's just a project, that's all. Nothing more.
You and Tristin playing Romeo and Juliet? Perfect. Really amazing.
- I know you hate it. - Yeah, I really hate it.
But we do the scene on Sunday, then it's over.
And it's back to, "Tristin? Who? I don't know Tristin."
You must mean that young boy who got mysteriously strangled...
- by a Doose's Market apron one night. - I heard about that.
Awful. They say drugs were involved.
Please, don't be mad. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Sorry about what? You didn't choose to do this with him.
- No, I didn't. - Then what do you have to be sorry for?
That I didn't tell you about the rehearsal.
And that No Doubt is touring with U2.
I know you're extremely disappointed in Bono.
- All right, so when's this thing over? - Sunday.
Okay.
I'm going to walk around the block. Just get him out of the market.
Right away.
Thank goodness you ordered. I am starving.
What are you doing here? I thought you went to dinner.
- I did go out to dinner. - Then why are you eating mine?
He took me to this darling little place called Mini's.
- Very hip, very chic, very small portions. - So how'd it go?
We talked about the things we had in common, and then the salad came.
- Not a soul mate? - He's never seen Abfab.
Plus, he's outdoorsy. Remember that Meryl Streep movie...
where she and her family take a rafting trip...
and psycho Kevin Bacon forces them to take him down the river?
That's his dream vacation, minus Kevin Bacon.
Whereas mine is Kevin Bacon, minus the river.
Moving on.
But I must say, I'm really glad I went tonight.
It was fun to kind of get dressed up...
and have a freshly laundered man open the door for me.
And the best part about it was, it was no big deal.
We laughed a little, we hugged good night. I'll never date him again.
But I do believe the burrito bit will live on. It was a totally casual date.
- I am now officially a casual dater. - That's great.
We can celebrate by getting you your own plate of fries.
- Luke, can we get another round? - Coming right up.
- So tell me about the big rehearsal. - We got off to a shaky start.
Louise acts like she's the priest in a Madonna video.
- But by the end we were not half bad. - Good.
- Tristin ran into Dean. - Bad.
I pulled them apart without bloodshed and explained it all to Dean.
You explained it all to Dean?
I told him Tristin wasn't supposed to be in our group...
and Paris moved the rehearsal to Miss Patty's at the last minute...
and that's why he didn't know about it.
That version of "all."
- But Dean's fine now? - He's fine.
- You want a burger, too? - No, I'll just have half of hers.
- One burger, please. - You look all dressed up.
Do I? Because I feel very casual.
- Hey. - Hi.
- You just get off work? - Yep.
- Do you want some fries? - No, I'm going home for dinner.
My mom made fried chicken, and she saved me some.
- You have a cooking mom. - That's so nice.
She may make chicken, but is she a casual dater?
I hope not. She's married.
Do I want to know what you're talking about?
- Nope. - My mother casually dated tonight.
- Congratulations. - Thank you very much.
I was just wondering what time rehearsal is tomorrow.
5:00. Why?
It's my night off, and I thought maybe I'd come and watch.
- Watch what? - Watch you.
- Watch me do what? - Rehearse.
I think you'd be really bored watching rehearsal.
I've dozed off twice just listening to her talk about rehearsal.
I won't be bored.
We don't know our lines yet. You should come on Sunday.
Good idea. After all, Sunday's the day of rest...
and that's what you'll be doing. Resting. Because it's boring.
It's not your fault. You didn't write the damn thing.
I'll come on Sunday, too.
But if you're going to go on Sunday, you don't want to spoil it for yourself.
- It's not like I don't know how it ends. - Okay, look.
Rory, I'll sit in the back, you'll die, and I'll walk you home.
- It's no big deal, right? - Right.
Good. So I'll see you tomorrow.
Yep, you sure will.
- Bye, Lorelai. - Bye, Dean.
Oh, yeah. He's fine.
Excuse me, Tristin, can I talk to you for a second?
I'll meet you guys later, okay?
I'm all yours.
- I need to talk about something serious. - Serious? I'm intrigued.
Dean's coming to rehearsal tonight.
Are you sure they can spare him? What if there's a run on baked beans?
Can't you shut up for five seconds, please? Thank you.
As I said, Dean's coming to rehearsal tonight...
and I'd like you to promise you won't say anything about what happened.
- What happened? - At the party?
- You and me, at Madeline's party?
You had been kicked to the curb by Summer...
and I found you sulking on a piano bench, and I sat down, we talked...
and then we kissed.
- That was you? - You know what? Forget it.
Hey, Rory...
There's no point in talking to you. I knew, yet I tried. Won't happen again.
You don't want me to tell Dean that we kissed.
By George, I think he's got it.
- Okay, if that's what you want. - It is.
- Although he's going to find out anyway. - What?
Come on, you know that when we kiss on stage...
it's going to be obvious it's not the first time.
I'm a good actor, but I can't hide that kind of passion.
Things are really good for me and Dean, and I don't want anything to mess that up.
Especially not something that meant nothing to me...
and I wish had never happened in the first place.
- So things are going good for you two? - Yeah, they are.
Good. That's good.
So what do you think?
- You just took those out. - I changed my mind.
Are you all right?
I think I'll recover from the great romance between you and the Beav.
A lot of stuff's been going on with you lately, huh?
Meaning?
The car thing, the suspension thing. A lot of drama.
I get bored easily.
- Just doesn't really seem like you. - And you know me?
I know you don't get suspended for dumb pranks.
I pulled stuff like that before I knew Duncan and Bowman.
If you did, you didn't get caught. You're getting caught a lot.
Your point being?
They aren't the best people to be hanging out with.
They're not as smart as you. They don't have what you have going.
I have to bail, before we get to the hugging part.
[School bell ringing]
And ask your boyfriend to remind me when it's coupon day, okay?
- Taking pity on your burger? - I'm not hungry.
You're going to kill yourself in a couple of hours.
You really need your strength.
- Maybe Dean won't even come tonight. - He'll be there.
There aren't enough monster-truck rallies in the world to keep him away.
All right. That's it. This afternoon, we are going to engage...
in some intensive retail therapy to bring you out of this funk.
- No, thanks. - I mean it.
Today is the day we finally spring for the Powerpuff Girls shot glasses.
I can't. I promised Lane I'd help her pick out an outfit for the play.
- Lorelai? - Yes?
Hey, it is you! This is Lorelai. She's the girl I told you about.
Paul! I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you with the hat.
- What are you doing here? - Getting some coffee.
In Stars Hollow?
You talked so much about the town the other night, especially Luke's place.
My mom's crazy for coffee. I thought I'd bring them for breakfast.
- The other night? - Paul's referring to the casual Wednesday.
- I want you to meet my daughter, Rory. - Hi. Nice to meet you.
- These are my parents, Dory and Sid. - Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure, really. - Yeah, me, too.
- You ordering? - Luke?
- Are you Luke? Is this Luke? - Yes, that's Luke.
- Oh, man! Mom, Dad, that is Luke. - We heard so much about you.
Darn shame about that Rachel.
- Who the hell are these people? - Paul is my friend from business school.
We went out the other night.
She talked about a few people in this town, you being one of them.
So, nice to meet you.
Yeah.
Three coffees to go, then.
- Something funny? - No.
- You're smiling for no reason? - I'm a happy person.
I've got to run. Mom wants to go antiquing.
So it was nice meeting you. And I'll see you in class, Lorelai.
- Bye. Bye, now. - Bye.
- What? Say it! - Nothing.
- I always wanted a little brother. - He looked older the other night.
- How much older could he possibly look? - A lot.
He's usually scruffy. The baseball cap hides the funky-hair thing.
He should have been holding a yo-yo, a lollipop...
and wearing a beanie with a propeller on it.
He's in his 20s.
He must have been a very good boy to deserve such a happy day.
- I bet they let him ride a pony. - Aren't you supposed to go help Lane?
Thanks for cheering me up.
- What? You want to say something, too? - No.
- Don't hold back on my account. - I wouldn't.
Would you guys mind moving down a couple stools?
It'd make me more comfortable.
- This is me leaving. - I want to know what the cutoff is.
And no tip. I wonder why.
If you had one of those height bars, like at amusement-park rides...
Bye, now.
Here's to my love.
O true apothecary, thy drugs are quick.
Line.
"Thus with a kiss I die." How hard is that to remember?
"Thus with a kiss I die." Right. And then I kiss her, right?
Yes, you say, "Thus with a kiss I die," then you kiss her and die.
Why are you smiling? Do you think this is a joke?
- The performance is tomorrow. - Wait, tomorrow?
My God! I totally missed it the first 47 times you said it.
I warned you. I am not going to fail this because of you.
- I will replace you with Brad in a second. - Dear God, no.
- Can we just get through the scene? - Please.
Fine. But yell "line" once more, and you're out.
Start memorizing.
O true apothecary, thy drugs are quick.
Thus with a kiss I die.
- What? - It's just...
With this being our last kiss, it makes me think about our first kiss.
- You know, at the party. - What?
- Lie down, you're dead. - We all are.
You remember the kiss.
In Act One, at the Capulets' masked party.
What about it?
I was trying to think of something that would make this kiss as special.
- I thought she could cry. - What?
- She's dead. You're dead. Lie down. - But that's the beauty of it.
- No one would expect her to cry. - I would.
- Funny you should say that. - I need to take five.
Let's all take five.
That way, you can all cancel whatever plans you had...
because we are staying here until we get this right.
Who could you possibly be calling?
He is unbelievable.
- Dean, I really need you to leave. - What?
The play's tomorrow, and it's 50% of my grade...
and you standing there staring at Tristin, it's like a challenge.
I don't like the way he's messing with you.
I don't either, but we have to get through the scene...
and we can't with you standing there, so, Dean, please?
Fine.
Call me later.
You know, I notice you didn't cry when you kissed him.
- I'm starting to feel insecure. - What is wrong with you?
- I think I liked you better comatose. - You weren't going to say anything.
Did I say that?
You make it impossible for anyone to be nice to you.
No wonder you had to join our group.
Anyone who's suffered the experience of going out with you would know better.
[Pager beeping]
I really wish we could continue your analysis on how pathetic I am.
Unfortunately, I have to meet some friends.
Where are you going? Where is he going?
We're not finished! I'm the director here!
Tristin, come back!
Oh!
I'm so excited. Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.
It's so romantic. "Oh, Romeo..."
[Blabbering]
That's all the Shakespeare I know.
You should come with us and watch Rory perform.
Can't.
How often do you get to see teenagers speak iambic pentameter...
- and kill themselves? - No, thanks. But have a good time.
Bring plenty of baseball cards to pass out your phone number on.
Enough already! The horse is dead.
His ashes have been sprinkled over the land. Let it rest.
Lorelai, there you are, you naughty girl.
He was not that much younger than I am.
I met him at business school, not his bar mitzvah.
Business school has to indicate some kind of maturity, right?
- Doogie Howser was a doctor at 16. - Doogie Howser was not real.
How sad for you.
This is incredible. I go on one stupid date, and I'm the female Jerry Lee Lewis.
Forget it, honey. The town likes to tease. Plus, he did look really young.
- You didn't even see him. - Kirk snapped pictures.
- Hey, you. What is up with you? - Nothing's up with me.
We were having a perfectly nasty verbal sparring match...
- and you suddenly walk away? - I hear you're dating a kid.
Please, let something big fall on my head.
When I was 18, I was dating an older lady. Broke my heart.
I'm sorry you got dumped, but I'm not dating a kid.
I didn't get dumped. She died. Heart attack. She was quite old.
- I'm working. Us older guys do that. - Why are you being so mean to me?
- I'm not being mean. - Yes, you are.
Am I being mean?
I wouldn't pay you to put on a red nose and work a birthday party now.
Thank God for that.
- Why are you so mad at me? - I just think it's embarrassing.
- What is so embarrassing? - You running around with that kid.
I wasn't running. He's not a kid. We had dinner.
Say "Chuck E. Cheese," I'll break your nose.
I'm not going to say anything. Live your life as you please.
I got work to do.
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
- Are you sure this is Shakespeare? - What's with all the grunting?
I wish Luke was here. He could translate for us.
- Hey. - Hi, honey.
Look at you. You look like a princess.
Doesn't she look like a princess?
- Yeah, she looks beautiful. - Mom made the dress.
- Not to mention the girl inside it. - Hello! Gross!
- I'm just saying. - I'm getting kind of nervous.
- You're going to be great. - Act Three is starting.
Henry's act. How do I look?
You might want to hold a phone up to your face, so he'll recognize you.
I need you.
- He's not here. - Who's not here?
I've called his home, his cell. I called three girls he's seeing.
- Calm down. - Weren't you listening?
He's not here. We're on in 20 minutes, and we don't have a Romeo.
- We are going to fail. - We're not.
Do you think Harvard accepts people who fail Shakespeare?
I don't have numbers on it, but I feel secure in saying...
you fail Shakespeare, you don't get into Harvard.
Maybe he's in one of the bathrooms, smoking.
Good idea. You check the east men's rooms, I'll check the west ones.
I am hurt. A plague on both your houses!
I am sped. Is he gone, and hath nothing?
I knew he was going to do this, but no one wanted to listen.
- "Let's make Tristin Romeo. He's hot." - What about Brad?
Brad transferred schools. Where have you been?
Get dressed. We're on in 10 minutes.
- Can't. - What?
My dad had me pulled out of school.
And is she unhappy.
What do you mean, he had you pulled out of school?
Just ticked the old man off, that's all.
By doing what? Tristin, come on, tell me.
I got in some trouble.
- Trouble involving... - Involving Duncan and Bowman.
- And Bowman's dad's safe. - Oh, no.
Bowman had a key. It was supposed to be no big deal.
- Then the crazy silent alarm kicked in. - You broke into Bowman's dad's safe?
- Yes. - Stupid.
Okay. You can apologize, and you can put back the money...
and you can explain that you were going through something.
I was. I was going through his safe.
- Why would you do this? - I don't know.
I guess that's something I can ponder at military school.
Military school?
The police are letting our parents handle it.
In my case, that means military school in North Carolina.
I don't know what to say.
I imagine you're overwhelmed at the relief in knowing that soon I will be gone.
I'm so sorry.
I'm a big boy. I can handle it.
RORY: There's nothing you can... MR. DUGRAY: Tristin...
come on.
I've got to go.
I'd like to kiss you goodbye...
but your boyfriend's watching.
Take care of yourself, Mary.
What are you standing there for? Let's go!
And you better start sucking on an Altoid.
A dateless bargain to engrossing death.
Come, bitter conduct. Come, unsavory guide.
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks...
thy seasick weary bark. Here's to my love!
O true apothecary, thy drugs are quick.
Thus with a kiss...
I die.
[Audience applauding]
Wasn't that great? Just watching it made me feel smarter.
- Don't you feel smarter? - Just the opposite, actually.
Let's do something else good for us. Go to a museum or play chess.
I promised Rory we'd go to Luke's.
Even better.
I am still pretty peeved by how he acted earlier.
- That guy runs so hot and cold on me. - What?
One minute, he's all sweet. The next, he's being a total jerk...
- for God knows what reason. - For God knows what reason?
- Come on, Lorelai. - What?
Don't you understand that Luke is so into you?
Okay, stop.
He has had to watch you go from one guy to another...
and then the engagement, and then it was off.
And patiently, he's waited, and now in walks this kid...
and he says, "My God, will she date anyone else in the world..."
- "Before she'll date me?" - Sookie, that's...
Maybe it's crazy, maybe it's irrational, but it's there.
Just look the guy in the eye. It's right there.
So did you and Paris actually kiss, or was that, like, a stage thing?
A lady never kisses and tells.
You guys get a table. I'll be right there.
How'd it go?
- I think Shakespeare will recover. - That's good.
- Are you good at dating? - What?
Dating. Do you have that down?
- Okay, if this is about that kid... - It's not about anything. It's a question.
I don't know if I have it down.
Considering I live with my nephew, I'd say probably not.
I don't have it down either.
I've never been very good at it. Never even really liked it.
It's too much "what if." I like things I can count on.
Actually, with Max, it was the first time I was finally like:
"Here it is. That one person who will always be there for me."
And then I turned around, and it's suddenly:
"Wrong."
- "Keep moving." - Why are you telling me this?
I don't have very many people in my life...
who are in my life...
permanently, forever.
They will always be there for me. I will always be there for them. You know?
There's Rory and Sookie, this town...
and you.
- I mean, at least I think I've got... - You do.
Good.
Just checking.
Tell me about Romeo and Juliet.
It's so depressing. Everybody dies. But the clothes were so cute.
- Life can be funny that way. - And Rory...