- How do you like that mouth? - It's not very mouth-like.
- I think it works. - It's tilted to the side.
It was intentional. It gives her a unique expression.
- Like she had a stroke? - Fine.
I'll use the Mrs. Potato Head lips.
No, forget it. Leave Stroke-mouth.
- It's not like we're going to win this. - Bad attitude.
Mom, face it. That is the single most incredible snowman I have ever seen.
I'm sorry, that snowman is way over the top. Too showy.
It's screaming, "I'm incredible. I'm special. Look at me."
Kind of the point of a snowman-building contest.
I hate this man with every fiber of my being.
- He looks nice. - He's a ringer.
How do you figure?
Someone promised him a handsome sum...
financed his theatrical snowman accoutrements...
so he could snatch victory from a deserving local...
in order to bag the contest prize.
Seems a little elaborate considering the prize is a set of new US quarters.
We're ignoring him now.
What are we doing on your school break?
- A lot of nothing. - Sounds good.
- Plus some homework. - And a lot of movies.
We have to rent Godfather lll on DVD.
- You're kidding. - In the audio commentary...
- Coppola defends casting Sofia. - That is fatherly love.
What's this homework you have?
- Just stuff for the paper. - What? Why?
Paris wants the first issue back to be a double issue.
So we have to prep over break. She says the news never sleeps.
Does Paris ever sleep?
I think she periodically makes a whirring noise and shuts down.
- You can't work the whole time. - I won't. I promise.
[Power buffer whirring]
- My God. - What?
He's power buffing.
Now, that is just wrong.
We're competing against the Michelangelo of snow.
- We're "Ernest Builds a Snowman." - We shouldn't look at him.
Heads down. Stay focused.
- We can do this. - Absolutely.
- Let's get some coffee? - Right behind you.
Yes, you can rent a car in Manhattan and return it in Hartford.
That's no problem, sir.
Yes.
Yes, you can return it to Bradley International.
That's very convenient, or you...
You can... Hold, please.
- Stop that. - Stop what?
Stop jumping like a Mexican bean.
Lorelai asked me to dust the picture frames.
How do you suggest I clean the tops, smarty?
- I didn't know you could do that. - Yes, I am miraculously talented.
I thought an alarm would go off, like in The Thomas Crown Affair.
That would be if this was a museum and you were a man allowed in museums.
No bickering in the lobby, guys.
Where are we allowed to bicker?
SOOKIE: Got all the mushrooms? You double-checked?
I've triple-checked. I've quadruple-checked.
The shiitake, the nameko, the chanterelle?
- Once again, I've got it all. - The matsutake? The makinia?
- Wait. I don't have makinia. - You don't have makinia?
- Don't have makinia. - I made it up.
- You passed the test. - Don't test me.
The auditions are starting. You wanna watch?
- Yes. - Auditions for what?
- Musicians. - For the Bracebridge dinner.
You guys are going crazy with this dinner.
I told you, this dinner is not just about food.
We are recreating an authentic 19th-century meal.
The servers will be in period clothing, and they'll speak period English.
- Here, look at the costumes. - Nice.
We're talking seven courses here.
Soup, fish, peacock pie, the Baron of Beef, the salad...
then the plum pudding, and the wassail.
There's gonna be a big raised platform...
where the Squire of Bracebridge is going to preside over the festivities.
He tastes the foods and makes pronouncements.
He's the host of the evening, and his costume is the coolest.
- It all sounds great. - It is.
By the way, you're playing Squire Bracebridge.
- Ready? - Let's go.
What was that?
What are we looking at today?
This is the last on our list. We've got our trumpets, our madrigal singers.
Sorry, but I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge.
We've got our servers. This is for recorder players and harpists.
Hi. Lay some on us, guys.
You cats really know how to blow those things.
You've got the gig. I'll call later with the details. Thanks.
Are we clear on this? I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge.
Sorry you thought that I'd do this.
- When do the guests arrive? - Thursday at 4:00 on their own jet.
- After buying out the whole inn. - Nice to have money.
Know what struck me today?
- The fact that I'm not the squire? - We are crazy for doing this.
We are beyond crazy.
We're "Anne Heche speaking to God..."
"And looking for the spaceship in Fresno" crazy.
- Oquinis no-goodo noto. - Ll ecnatra dos guidan.
Springing this on me at the last minute, that's just manipulative.
Sookie, fire.
I got to get back. You'll handle the harp?
- You got it. - All right, I'll do it.
I'll play Squire Bracebridge if that's what you want.
Thanks, sweetie.
As long as it's not just because I fit the costume.
It's because I fit the costume, isn't it?
Go ahead.
[Phone ringing]
- Hi, it's Lorelai. - Hey, it's me.
Hi, Chris, how are you?
Good. You got a minute?
Uh, oh.
It's not "uh, oh." I just wanted to run an idea by you.
Run it.
I don't want to step on any plans you've already made...
but Rory has a school break coming up...
and I was wondering if you'd be cool with her visiting for a couple of days.
A couple of days? You mean she'd stay the night?
Yeah, it's totally your call. Where are you, heaven?
Do you even have room for someone to stay?
Not just room. A room. A designated guest room.
- Sherry fixed it up really nice. - Good for her.
- What do you think? - It's awfully last-minute.
It's totally last-minute. You can say no. There'll be no hard feelings.
It's really up to Rory to say yes or no.
- You're cool with it? - Yeah, sure, if Rory is.
That's great. Thank you.
I'll let you run it past her, and get back to me whenever.
- No pressure. - No pressure.
- Talk to you later. - Yeah.
Talk to you later.
[Rory clearing throat]
So what are your travel plans, Dad?
You and Mom always go out of town this time of year.
- Last year it was the Bahamas. - That's right, it was.
I remember you had fun, too. You said the Bahamamians were real nice.
- The Bahamites? The Bahamamamanians? - The Bahamians.
- Yes, they were nice. - They were nice.
So what are your plans?
- We're not going anywhere this year. - Why not?
Well, it can be really nice just to stay at home...
because you can do fun things that you normally wouldn't have time for.
Yeah, like play Running Charades and get out that Slip 'N Slide.
- We'll see. - Yes, we'll see.
Would you all excuse me? I have to make some calls.
- Say goodbye before you leave, will you? - Sure, Dad.
When is this awfulness with work gonna resolve itself?
I don't know. The man is so sensitive.
He reads so much into every little perceived slight.
I remember when I was a kid, Dad had put on some weight...
and he bought a new suit to try to cover it up.
He wore it for us and said, "How do I look?"
I said, "You look fat."
I guess that wasn't really a perceived slight.
I'll think of another example.
SOOKIE: Keep in mind, at the Bracebridge dinner, we are not just servers.
We are performers.
Any time you're with a guest, you must be in character and must speak Old English.
It's a world we're creating here, so whatever we can do...
[Shouting] Kirk, you're driving me crazy.
Who, me?
"Whatever we can do to... Kirk, you're driving me crazy."
Me. Sorry.
Guys, look at the materials I gave you.
Tell me, if a guest asks you how the food's coming...
what would be the appropriate Old English response?
Rune!
"Greetings."
You just read the first thing on the list.
Maybe.
Guys, the correct response:
"Our ovens, they with baked meat choke."
- Question. - Yes?
What color dress will I be wearing when I say this?
- Don't be an idiot. - This is stupid.
Shut up and pay attention to Sookie. She worked very hard to bring this about.
But unfortunately, we don't all share intimacies with her...
so she doesn't cut us any slack.
She doesn't treat me differently.
She's called you "Peaches" three times. It's all in the transcript.
Instead of talking Old English, can I talk like an old man?
- What? - You kids, get off my lawn!
No, you cannot just talk like an old man.
Honey, what's the matter?
- They're snowed in. - Who's snowed in?
The Bracebridge group. They're stuck in Chicago. The dinner's off.
- No. - Yes.
I'm gonna cry.
I offered to fund the invention of a molecular transport device...
but they didn't go for it.
That makes me so mad. And so sad.
- I'm smad. - Sookie?
Does this mean that my pockets willeth not with money get choked?
That sounded like Old English. Cool.
SOOKIE: I've got 30 pounds of aged beef...
trays and trays of trout, mountains of prune tarts.
I diced pumpkins until my hands turned orange. I've got pumpkin hands.
- Take a sip. - How can you stay so calm about this?
- There's nothing we can do. - I can't believe they got snowed in.
All that work. All that extra help we hired.
At least they paid for it already. We didn't lose any money.
I guess. I could still make up the dinner for the three of us.
Then it would be the three of us all alone in the dining room.
Like The Shining, except instead of Jack Nicholson, we have Rune.
You girls want anything besides coffee?
SOOKIE: What about Luke? LUKE: What about him?
He eats, and Jess eats.
- Doesn't Jess eat? - What's she doing?
I think she's inviting you for dinner.
Yeah, come on, join us. It'll be fun. You like peacock pie?
- I'm 100% sure I don't. - There'll be normal food, too.
- And decorations. - And music.
- Come on. It'll be fun. - Well...
You know what? Let's invite everyone.
- Everyone who? - Everyone everyone.
- Everyone everyone who? - Everyone we know. Everyone we like.
They can even stay in the Inn.
All those empty rooms, those uneaten pillow mints.
An out-of-control, over-the-top slumber party.
- I love it! - Done. Spread the word.
I haven't said I'd come yet...
so I'm certainly not gonna suddenly become your messenger boy.
- 8:00? - 7:00.
Right.
[Giggling]
Are you going to this big shindig at the Inn tonight?
I'm just trying to trick my mom into not going with me.
- How's that coming along? - How's that Pixies reunion coming along?
- I'll see you and your mom there. - Bye.
BOY: Keep it up and you'll get hurt.
Hey, guys! Come on. Break it up.
Quit! Hold it! Get off me!
Get off me, man! I'm not fighting you.
Jess, knock it off.
What the hell is your problem? You saw it was me.
- Why'd you keep punching? - I had momentum.
I was trying to help you.
I don't need your help, but thanks for offering.
LORELAI: Did Bootsy R.S.V.P? RORY: Yeah, he's coming.
- Thanks. Is he bringing anybody? - He's coming solo.
- I'm gonna put him in Room 16 with Luke. - You can't do that.
- Let me have my fun. - Luke's coming with Jess.
I'll put Jess in with Miss Patty.
- There'll be no Jess left in the morning. - You stink.
Are these last year's cards or this year's?
This year's.
Don't scoff. Last year's set was here till Halloween.
If that's a crack at my housekeeping skills, then okay.
- Wow. - What?
This is one ugly-looking baby. Whose baby is this?
That's your second cousin Stan's poor kid.
He got Stan's everything.
- That's not the ugliest baby in the bunch. - You're kidding.
Ouch!
That's the ugliest baby in the bunch.
Why do people put pictures on cards?
Do they not understand we are unapologetic mockers?
There's an unexplained innocence in the world.
- I didn't see this. - See what?
Dad.
- The woman, I'm assuming, is Sherry. - Did I not show you that?
They've got a cute little puppy and everything.
I must've put it in the stack and forgotten to tell you about it.
- There it is. - Nice-looking lady.
Like a young Tammy Faye Bakker.
- But prettier than that. - I didn't mean not pretty.
Question about the room list. Room 31, why is it empty?
- I wanted to run an idea by you. - Run it.
I thought maybe a certain depressed man and his wife could stay there.
- Woody and Soon-Yi? - Grandma and Grandpa.
- You've got to be kidding. - This could cheer him up.
I'll send him a Def Jam comedy tape. That'll cheer him up.
- It's a good thing to do. - We'll donate money to charity.
That's a good thing, too. We'll stop kicking dogs.
I'll pencil them in, but they'll probably say no.
But we're not gonna hope that they say no, right?
- Right. - Because that would be really bad karma...
especially on top of making fun of the ugly babies.
I have a New Year's resolution for you. Become more cynical and self-absorbed.
I'll work on it.
- How's Sookie doing in there? - She's paper-bagging it.
- What? - You know...
[Heaving] So she's right on schedule.
- Hey, dolls. - Welcome.
- Are we the first ones here? - Yes, you are.
Now, don't you freak out. Morey hates being the first anywhere.
He thinks it hurts his street credibility.
- Charlie Parker was late to everything. - He had more drugs in him than a Rite Aid.
Forget Charlie Parker.
You two are in Room 8. It's ready for you.
Thanks, doll. Come on, Morey.
We could be late for dinner if it'll make you feel better.
A little.
- Are you alone? - Lane.
My wedding night's gonna be very interesting.
I'm glad you guys could come. You guys are in Room 12.
Thank you. Hello, Lorelai. Thank you for inviting us.
Our pleasure. Do you need help bringing in your stuff?
This is my stuff. Don't need any more stuff.
- People have too much stuff. - You know, you're right.
People have too much stuff. Absolutely.
- Says the woman with 64 pairs of shoes. - Thus proving my point.
What is Paris doing here?
She had to bring me the newspaper stuff tonight. She couldn't wait.
Robot, she's a robot. Hi.
Here are the materials on the double issue.
Some of the articles will need complete re-writes.
Madeline's 500 words on test anxiety spends 400 of them...
arguing that stretch corduroy is the best material for low-rise jeans.
Well, let's see. Corduroy is a fabric.
The fabric of society is weakened when students...
- You can't get there. - It doesn't look like it.
- I'll get on this tomorrow. - What about tonight?
- I'm busy tonight. - Doing what?
Well, this.
- What is this? - It's kind of a big dinner party.
I'll get out of your way. Call if you need to talk things through.
She uses the Prince version of writing.
A letter "U" for "you" and a picture of an eye for an "I."
- Do you have anything going on tonight? - What's that supposed to mean?
It means, do you have anything going on tonight?
My parents are out of town, so my Portuguese nanny will make dinner.
Then I'll get back to reading The lliad or we'll play Monopoly. I always crush her.
I was thinking you may want to stay for dinner.
- Here? - Yeah. We have a ton of food...
and it's a whole big show. If you're not doing anything...
Rereading The lliad a third time is not "not doing anything."
- I'm not pathetic. - I know you're not.
I just thought it might be fun, that's all.
I'll have to make a call.
- Good, make it. - I just have to let Nanny know.
[Speaking in Portuguese]
- Hey. - Hello, there.
Hey, Ciara. Nice. Is that a Stella McCartney?
- It's a Wal-Mart. - Well, it's very pretty.
- My mom bought it for tonight. - She's got good taste.
- I didn't know he was coming. - Who?
- Jess. - Yeah. Is that a problem?
Not really.
It's just that he got into this fight with this guy at school.
- When I broke it up, he started in on me. - He hit you?
- He tried. - Why would he do that?
Don't ask me to explain that jerk.
He'd better not do that all night.
No! It tastes too 20th-century, guys.
It's got to shout, "Washington Irving!" not, "Irving, my accountant."
It needs something. Help me. What is it?
- What? - Rune naked, naked Rune.
These stupid pants won't go past my thighs.
- Why are you dressing in here? - The bathrooms are full...
and the madrigal singers are bogarting the supply closet.
This is the only place.
- They're too small. - My thighs are too big.
In lieu of coming up with something to reduce the size of your thighs...
why don't we get you a bigger pair of pants?
- And a different place to dress. - Definitely.
- Can you get me the supply closet? - We'll take it by force.
Go. Oh, God.
- Is everything under control? - Yeah.
No. This needs something, and I cannot think of what it is.
It's that tart, kind of spicy, white... Salt!
- The word is "salt"! - You forgot the word for "salt"?
- Everything's under control. - Good.
- Absolutely, 100%. - You're exuding confidence.
LORELAI: Have the oxygen ready. SOOKIE: Easy. It's a bird.
- They're here. - Who?
The Joyless Luck Club.
Hello, girls. You look particularly lovely tonight.
Thanks, Grandpa.
You guys look nice yourselves.
Seems like the occasion called for it.
The air seems crisper here than Hartford. It's wonderful.
Dad, you didn't grab the wrong prescription bottle, did you?
- What? - Nothing.
I think she was making one of her funny jokes.
- Went straight over my head. - Let me get someone to help you.
No, just point me to the room.
You guys are in Room 31. Best room in the place.
Anything's fine. I'll see you in a bit.
- What got into him? - He's totally different.
I know. He's been that way for two days.
I have no idea why, but I'm taking the credit.
A hostess's job is never done. Hi.
Everybody, will you gather round?
Everyone. First, I want to welcome you...
to the first annual and probably never to be held again...
as Sookie's close to a nervous breakdown, Bracebridge dinner.
I'm fine. Everything's fine.
I also thank Mother Nature for snowing in the Trelling Paper Company in Chicago...
so I could throw this great party for all my friends instead.
It's a very special night, so...
since I don't get to eat unbelievably strange food...
with my friends every day, I've arranged a little surprise.
Outside, as we speak, is a line of horse-drawn sleighs...
and everybody gets a ride.
[All cheering and applauding]
So line up and keep it orderly. There's two per sleigh.
No cutting in front of each other. That goes for all.
Except me, 'cause I'll be damned if I miss a ride in a horse-drawn sleigh.
- You gonna go? - I think I'll wait for the clog dancing.
- Don't move. - We're gonna miss all the good horses.
Who is this brazen woman competing for your attention?
Come on!
- I guess I'm spoken for. - I'll see you back here.
You see the horses?
You mean the ones three feet from my face? Yeah. I saw them.
I spent a summer training horses in Montana.
You get kicked in the head a lot?
- Just the once. - Hey, you in the belt, get in.
No, I was just sort of checking things out.
Come on. We could pull a Ben-Hur and take down Taylor's sleigh.
- I don't know. - Come on, Luke.
I can't be all schoolmarmy and ride by myself. Please?
Well, okay.
Giddyap.
[Horses neighing]
The horses heard me. I speak horse language. I'm Dr. Dolittle.
Plus, I think the driver of the sleigh heard you.
I gotta say, sleigh rides are a little much, but these horses are beautiful.
- Especially from this angle. - Not just from this angle.
Seriously. Don't backtrack. Horse has got a nice butt there.
- That's not what I'm saying. - Nice firm heinie.
Stop talking about the horse's heinie.
The town looks beautiful.
- Same as always. - No...
it's always different this time of year. It's magical.
If you say so, sure.
There's the magical plumbing supply store...
where I bought a magical float for my toilet.
- You disappoint me. - Look, the magical Luke's Diner...
right below the apartment that Jess magically lit...
- by leaving every stinking light on. - How's it going with you guys?
- Me and Jess? Great. - Great? Really?
- Well, good. - It is good.
I mean, it was hard at first, seemed impossible, you know...
but I've learned a lot these last couple of months.
- Like? - Like last week...
- I discovered the secret of parenting. - You did?
- The secret of parenting? - The secret of parenting.
- When last week? Last Tuesday? - I don't know the exact day.
Tuesday at 5:15? Is that when you discovered it?
Don't mock.
Well, tell me. What is...
- Wait. It's a secret. You can't tell me. - No, I'll tell you.
- You visualize the reality you want. - Visualize the reality you want.
And then if necessary, you lie to bring it about.
That is so much worse than I was expecting.
You never lied to your kid?
To save her from great physical pain, yes.
When she was little and she'd play in the kitchen, I told her...
the burners were the devil's hands.
I'd say it in a scary evangelist voice.
"Don't touch the devil's hands." She still doesn't go near it.
Exactly. You told a white lie for your kid's protection...
- very similar to what I have done. - Which was?
- You know the winter break is coming. - I do.
It means Jess has some time off from school.
His mom knew that, and she never called.
That makes me sick.
So I decided to keep Jess with me. I told him...
that his mom wanted him to come home.
But since he just got there and he was still adjusting...
that I thought he should stay. His mom was really upset...
but I insisted. He bought it hook, line, and sinker.
Saved him a lot of hurt.
- He didn't buy it. - What? Of course he did.
He knows.
EMILY: I wish Lorelai had warned us about this.
RICHARD: What? This is wonderful. EMILY: It's wreaking havoc with my hair.
This is not bad for your hair, compared to the other thing.
What other thing?
Richard, stop it!
- Suddenly you're two years old. - I'm just having fun.
- I'm not complaining. - This is fun, too.
- This is like a roller coaster. - A little.
Say, when was the last time we were on a roller coaster?
- Never. - Didn't we ever go to Coney Island?
That must have been your other wife.
I used to love it when I was a kid.
- They were a lot faster then, too. - And less safe.
We should go on one.
- What? - A fast one.
You go, and I'll wait and hold your cotton candy for you.
- You are going. - It would take a whole day.
- You are going. - I'd be scared.
I'll hold your hand.
- Fine. We'll go on a roller coaster. - Good.
Where is this roller coaster we're going on?
I'm not sure.
I'll get Rory to look it up on the Internet for us.
- That it, miss? - I guess I'm alone.
What are you doing?
I heard it was two to a sleigh, no more, no less.
- You're breaking the rules. - You could've hurt yourself.
I live on the edge. I could jump out if you want.
- It doesn't matter to me. - You mad at me or something?
- What do you think? - I can't read your mind.
- You got into a fight with Dean. - Dean?
My boyfriend.
- He's still your boyfriend? - You can jump out now.
I wasn't fighting him. It was someone else.
- He jumped in on his own. - He was trying to help you.
He should go into government service if he likes helping people.
But me, he can stop worrying about.
- Why were you fighting in the first place? - 'Cause Chuck Presby's a jerk.
You were fighting Chuck Presby? He is a jerk.
This whole town is weird and full of jerks.
- Then why are you still here? - What do you mean?
I mean, school's out. You don't like it here, so why don't you just go home?
My mom didn't want me to.
- I don't believe that. - That's your right, I guess.
Did Luke say she didn't want you to?
Luke told me it was his idea that I should stay.
It wasn't his idea.
JESS: That's good. RORY: What?
JESS: Your snowman. Snowwoman, actually.
- You know which one's ours? - It definitely has the most personality.
- Kind of looks like Björk. - That's what we were going for.
Everyone thinks the one on the end will be the winner.
- Really? It's so overdone. - I agree.
- You should win. - No argument.
- What do you and Dean talk about? - What?
I mean, does he know Björk?
I've played him some stuff.
So you got a teacher-student thing going.
- Stop. - No, really, I'm curious.
- What do you guys talk about? - Everything.
- Like... - Everything. Tons of stuff. Whatever.
It's just that in the brief, non-pugilistic time I've spent with him...
he just doesn't seem like your kind of guy.
Well, he is my kind of guy. He's exactly my kind of guy.
- Guess I don't know him that well. - You don't.
You don't.
LORELAI: Quiet, please, everybody.
Before the button-popping and the bloating can commence...
- say "cheese." - Cheese.
Ladies and gentlemen, Damen und Herren...
the moment you've been waiting for.
I give you the Bracebridge dinner.
Hold it. We just need a quick minute, please.
Which will be starting in one quick minute.
Ever think about that? You can't have a quick minute...
- because it's always 60 seconds. - Shut up.
Lorelai, darling, who is the silver fox with the tight knee socks?
That's Claude. He's one of our regular servers.
- Divorced and on the market. - The uniform is interesting.
I'll have him bathed, powdered, and sent to your room.
What? You joke?
Was that a joke?
RICHARD: Lorelai, this is just beautiful.
It's like something out of Architectural Digest.
- You should be very proud. - Thanks, Dad.
- Your dress needs pressing. - Thanks, Mom.
Your pod grandpa's still happy as a clam.
- I told you this would be good. - When you're right, you're right.
Welcome, lords and ladies.
I call upon these sprightly horns to commence our proceedings.
Chuck Mangione, you want to back up a step?
And we're off.
And now, fair people, I present my lord and master...
the honorable Squire Bracebridge.
Lo! Now has come our joyfullest feast.
Let every man be jolly.
We should have eaten before we came.
Humble servant, bring us the first course to dine with pleasure.
Methinks it be a butternut squash soup.
Methinks you're right, Squire. Thus and verily.
And verily thus.
They're the Old England Abbott and Costello.
'Tis perfection, but extremely hot.
My lord, you need aid. Wouldst thou have thee ice thy tongue?
Nay, Rune. To the guests, thou shalt serve the soup!
- What's the white stuff? - I think it's cheese or cream.
- And the green stuff? - I think it's best picked off.
- No one says grace? - I think they all do, Mama. Silently.
- Did you say silent grace? - Good one.
Soup for my ladies?
- Why, thank you, kind sir. - Hey, Kirk, nice blouse.
Don't let her make fun of you. You look great.
Soup with garlands gay, and rosemary.
You're gonna stay in character no matter what.
It is hot, so proceed daintily.
Did you ever see that I love Lucy where she goes to Buckingham Palace?
She tries to get the palace guard to break character. That was funny.
- 'Tis foreign to me, good lady. - Hang in there.
The ones when she was in Europe were the best.
- No way, the Hollywood ones. Damn! - I was rooting for you, boy.
[Trumpets sounding]
My lord, shall dessert be served?
Anon, humble servant.
- Can I eat my dessert with the horses? - Sure, but put your coat on.
Are you okay?
I guess so. I've lost track of how many beers I've had.
Seven.
- Paris, how's it going? - Fine. Good.
- Thanks for having me. - It was our pleasure.
- Did you notice the anachronisms? - The what?
The period discrepancies. They were pretty blatant.
Forget that the 19th century didn't include recessed lighting...
or the Fossil watch your server was wearing.
But water in that period would not have been served with cubed ice.
Your servers are wearing nylon blend shirts.
Nylon was invented by a scientist at DuPont in the 1920s.
It shattered the illusion.
Floggings will be administered.
So there we are, it's a beautiful moonlit Prague night...
and we're strolling across the Charles Bridge...
when we come across this group of kids...
blasting this song by that awful woman.
Who is she? The tall, bony one...
married to the deceased mustachioed Congressman.
- Cher? - That's the one.
The year of Do you believe in life after love?
A difficult time for all of us.
- I like that song. - I was appalled.
Prague has played host to some of the greatest composers in history.
Mozart named a symphony after it, for heaven's sake. So what did I do?
- I've tried so hard to forget this. - I stood beside them and their boom box...
and I hummed Mozart's Prague Symphony as loud as I could.
[Humming Prague Symphony by Mozart]
- The bizarro Battle of the Bands. - And did it work?
They quickly packed up and went their way.
But then he kept on humming the Mozart. He wouldn't stop.
I was hoping for some gullible tourists to drop money at my feet.
- Two of them did. - And I kept it!
This might be the most interesting conversation I've ever had...
- with an insurance man. - I'm hurt.
I'm sorry. What I meant was that...
What you meant was that people in the insurance industry are drones.
I agree. They are a dull lot, and I am glad to be rid of them.
Rid of them?
Are you retired, Richard?
Of course he's not. Richard?
Richard?
Actually, I am.
It's nice to end a big, festive meal with a big festive pall hanging over the room.
- Most people didn't notice anything. - Yeah.
I guess Bootsy singing Hotel California accompanied by spoons...
drew people's attention away.
Did Grandma and Grandpa say a word to each other after that?
Why didn't he tell anyone?
Are you asking me to interpret my parents' motives?
My mistake. So which bed do you want?
- Take the one by the window. - Okay.
- Mom! - What, honey?
You put the ugly baby's picture in my bed.
I didn't. I swear.
That ugly baby is stalking us. Run away.
- Poor baby. It's not his fault. - I think it's a she.
Poor baby. You picked the wrong parents.
Have you heard from Dad recently?
- What dad? Your dad? - Yeah, my dad.
Why?
Because he's my dad, and he usually checks in this time of year...
and he hasn't checked in yet. I know he's probably busy with Sherry...
and the new apartment... What?
There may have been a call.
There may have been? You don't remember?
Things have been so hectic with the Bracebridge dinner...
and building a snowwoman. And planning the ugly baby gag, that took time.
- Mom... - Yes, he called.
He called and invited you and it's not too late to go.
He called and invited you. There you go. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, so there.
- He invited me over? - Yes, are you deaf?
No, I'm trying to separate the gist from the...
- The gist is he invited you. - Why didn't he invite me himself?
He's pretending to be considerate by running it past me first.
Was he maybe not pretending and actually being considerate?
Maybe. But I wouldn't put it past him to be inconsiderate.
- He doesn't have a great track record. - Why didn't you tell me?
He may be waiting for my answer, holding off his plans.
Because I have dibs on this time of year with you. Not him, me.
He acknowledged that and that was cool, but still, it stinks.
Because he put me in a very difficult position.
We were supposed to watch a lot of movies and make fun of Godfather lll.
The thing that I really hate about this...
is the idea of you not hanging out with me 'cause you're hanging out there...
with your stupid stepmother.
- You're calling Sherry my stepmother? - She practically is.
- You're wigging. - There's something wrong with her.
- You don't even know her. - You think I'm overreacting?
- I think you're jealous of Sherry. - I'm not jealous.
But I understand. Your territory has been threatened.
- Excuse me? - Relax.
There are ways to work through these situations. Compromises can be struck.
- What are you saying? - I can still call you "Mom"...
- and I'll call her "Mommy Sherry." - Don't be mean.
We can split up holidays evenly. Like I'll be with you on Labor Day...
- her on Memorial Day. - Enough.
I'll have to find out her religion...
to see how Hanukkah will factor into this.
Unless you want to convert to Judaism, take Hanukkah for yourself.
I get the point. I overreacted. Please stop.
You totally overreacted. God.
You think you're gonna go and stay with them?
I'll think about it.
Do you have to think because it's killing me...
not to know your plans, and you want to torture me?
Nope. I just don't know if I want to do it.
- It was nice of him to ask, though. - It was very nice.
- 'Cause we are rooting for Dad. - We are rooting for him.
It was a very nice thing that Christopher offered.
I was being a little possessive.
And insanely jealous of his pretty girlfriend.
I want to know if she's good enough for him.
Me, too.
So there was an altruistic streak to my madness.
I'll go with that.
[Knocking on door]
I need a new room.
- What? - I can't stay in that room.
- There are no other rooms. - Then I'll go home.
- Grandma, it's late. - And pitch black.
- The roads are icy. You can't drive. - I'm not going back to that room.
You and Dad had it out about the job thing?
We haven't even spoken. I'm so upset I wouldn't know where to start.
I couldn't take being around him anymore. What he did is inexcusable.
Not letting me know he left his job, as if it didn't affect me.
Mom, try to calm down. Take this bed, and Rory and I will share.
- I'm just a burden. - You're not a burden, Mom.
Okay. Thank you.
Can I use the mirror in the bathroom for a second?
Yes. I'll use the one out here.
RORY: Wow!
- What? - Behold my future.
- How do you turn off the light? - I'll get it.
I still can't believe it.
Try to relax, Mom.
I hope he doesn't sleep, because I surely won't.
These slippers you have here are hardly one size fits all.
- They're too big. - Good night.
It was so irresponsible.
Maybe he had no choice.
Of course he had a choice. Go to sleep, Lorelai.
That job was killing him, Mom.
It was killing him.
I'm going for a little walk.
- Grandma, it's late. - I'm not tired.
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives.
- I didn't know you were here. - Emily, don't go.
- I'm very tired. - I want to talk to you. Please.
I don't need to remind you about how I've been feeling at work.
My frustration just built to the point where...
Again, you know this.
So I arranged to meet the CEO yesterday just to talk about the situation...
and about the rumors I had heard floating around.
So I met with Floyd. We shook hands, had coffee...
and then I started telling him about how unhappy I'd become.
I detailed all my years with the company, all the travel I'd done...
all the weekends I'd put in, the sacrifices I had made...
including time with my family, for the firm.
The more I talked, the angrier I became.
And then, suddenly, I heard myself resign.
Just like that.
Floyd was stunned.
I'd never seen Floyd stunned.
I enjoyed seeing Floyd stunned.
So I finished my coffee and I walked out of that office...
and I couldn't believe what I had just done.
I'd resigned, quit.
I believe I even used a little profanity in the process.
But do you know what, Emily?
I was thrilled, elated.
A giant weight had been lifted off my chest.
I noticed Floyd's secretary staring at me...
and I realized it was because I was smiling.
Nobody had seen me smile there in a very long time.
I was happy.
And you chose not to tell me, your own wife?
I know I've done nothing but disappoint you these past few months...
what with how isolated I've become...
and all the social engagements I've made you cancel...
and all the friendships I've jeopardized.
And you like order. You like lists.
You like to know where you're going or what's coming.
You like all things planned. And then suddenly...
I impulsively un-plan our entire future in one fell swoop.
I couldn't face disappointing you again.
I couldn't face telling you that I had spoiled the plan.
Not now, not at this time of year.
I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to worry.
I just wanted to keep being happy.
I'm very sorry.
Anyhow...
I've been sitting here going over our financial situation.
Now, we still have all our retirement accounts...
and our medical coverage is all there.
By quitting, we do forego some of my pension and some stock options.
Not a terribly significant amount, but an amount all the same.
Richard.
Let's just go to bed.
- See you, Bootsy. - See you. Thanks.
By the way, last night, did I sing Hotel California?
- Right till the end. - While banging spoons on your head.
- That explains the lumps. - Bye.
Lorelai, darling, thank you for everything.
Patty, your timing is excellent. There's Claude over there.
Want me to do some matchmaking?
He's wearing a golf shirt and cotton Dockers.
So it was the uniform?
It's the Biloxi Naval Base all over again.
- Bye. - See you.
Hey, Mom.
You didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky?
- Could you be any cruder? - Yeah, I could be cruder.
- Mom, did you get... - Thanks for coming. It was fun.
- Is everything okay? - Everything's okay.
- We'll see you next Friday. - Bye.
- Bye, Dad. - Bye, Lorelai.
You just had one grog too many. Just drink lots of water to rehydrate.
- I will. - Jackson, thank you for being our squire.
You're welcome. By the way...
last night when Bootsy was singing Hotel California...
and banging spoons on his head, did I...
Lift up your shirt and play drums on your stomach? Yes, you did.
- You kept a good beat. - Yeah.
'Cause if the beat was off, you'd have embarrassed yourself.
Thanks, Rory.
- Ciara, I'm glad you came. - I'll see you later.
- Don't kiss. - Come on.
Don't kiss.
Come on.
- So I guess we're off. - I guess so.
Bye, you guys.
Let's go home.
- Are we coming to get our bags later? - Why?
We're walking home. I don't want to carry them.
Who says we're walking?
- This is the only way to ride. - I wholeheartedly agree.
- What happened there? - I have no idea.
Bad news for ringer guy, but guess who wins by default?
I guess that would be us.