Here you go.
[Drilling]
Jeez! Sorry, folks.
Here.
There we go. Free coffee all around.
Might wanna put your hand over that. There we go.
Tom, what the hell is going on up there?
We're redoing your apartment. What do you think?
The ceiling's falling. I got customers eating dry wall here.
- That can't be good. - You said minimal disruptions.
This is minimal disruptions. I need you to sign this change order.
- What happened now? - We broke through this wall...
and found pipes that shouldn't be there. Gotta move them.
- Move them where? - Not sure.
- We gotta find out what they do first. - You're kidding.
Yeah, there's nothing I like more than a good moving-a-pipe joke.
Fine. One more week. That's it.
Oh, sure, construction ultimatum.
That's even funnier than my moving-a-pipe joke.
- Jeez, look at this place. It's a mess. - How long...
- No, can't sit here. - Why not?
Three people got nailed in the head here earlier.
- Their food was okay, right? - Will you just move?
[Cell phone ringing]
Outside.
You know, if I sit here one more second, I just might be outside.
Order me some coffee.
You are really funny. You and Tom should put an act together.
I'd leave it open.
Go ahead, Mom. I can hear you now.
I wanted to know if you'd like a gift certificate...
- for a weekend at the Birchgrove Spa. - Are you serious?
I bid on it at the DAR Symphony Fundraiser, and I won.
It's supposed to be an amazing place. Why don't you go?
I've never had any real desire to go to a spa.
- Why did you bid on it? - For charity. I had to bid on something.
I certainly didn't want another portrait of George Washington.
I've got four in the attic already.
- I'd love it. - Good.
Two days of total mind-numbing pampering.
Massages, facials, aromatherapy.
You make it sound like heaven.
- Closest you'll ever come to being a dog. - I beg your pardon?
You know, a whole life of nothing but eating, sleeping...
lying on your back and getting rubbed.
- I'd love the comparison to stop there. - Deal.
- When's it for? - This weekend, actually.
Well, I'll be there.
- So will I. - Excuse me?
The certificate is for two.
Since it sounds like the most wonderful place in the world...
I might as well try it with you.
But...
That's all right, isn't it, if I join you?
You don't mind?
- No, I don't mind at all. - Wonderful.
I'll pick you up tomorrow morning.
I'm actually looking forward to this.
Oh, yeah, me, too. Thanks, Mom.
Bye-bye.
I'm going to a spa with my mother.
Lean forward.
LORELAI: So, then we're all confirmed.
Great. Thanks so much for your help.
Okay. Bye.
- Yes. - That was an evil "yes."
Not an evil "yes."
It's a "Yes, I'm pretty, but, hello, I'm smart" kind of a "yes."
My mistake.
So here's the deal. I go into my facial...
just as my mother is finishing her Salt Glow...
which'll end 10 minutes after I've hit my scalp treatment...
which puts me in the Watsu massage pool six minutes into her back facial.
The day is so well planned, I won't see her until dinner...
which'll be cut short by the food poisoning I plan to contract.
- You are 12 and disgusting. - I am trapped and desperate.
You really think you can avoid Grandma the entire weekend?
I'm nothing if not a great organizer.
Now, let's talk about what you're gonna do tonight.
Throwing a party, I hope.
Inviting hundreds of bikers and lowlifes who are gonna trash the place.
I am going to do laundry, watch TV, order Indian food, and go to bed early.
And then come the bikers and lowlifes who are gonna trash the place?
I may even fall asleep on the couch with the TV on.
When do the bikers and lowlifes get to trash the place?
You're all packed.
You have to do something bad when Mommy's out of town.
It's the law. You've seen Risky Business, right?
Now, I'm not asking for a prostitution ring...
but how about a floating craps game or something?
- I'll see what I can do. - I'd greatly appreciate it.
[Horn honking]
I think Grandma's here.
What's she honking for? She hates honking.
She calls it a mechanical bodily function.
Jeez.
Cool!
Hello, hello, hello.
What are we, going to the prom?
I just thought since this weekend is all about relaxing...
we should start with the ride.
- This is cool, Grandma. - Thank you, Rory.
- So are we all ready to go? - I guess so, Miss Daisy.
- Bye, sweets. - Bye.
- Bye, Grandma. - Goodbye, Rory.
Have a good time.
- Bikers and lowlifes. - I'll get right on it.
In general, the lab reports weren't bad, but they weren't great either...
which leads me to question...
whether everyone has the grasp on electrochemistry I'd prefer...
before we move on.
To that end, I will be giving another test on Tuesday...
covering Chapters 14 through 18 in your textbooks...
as well as the material from lab.
Now please proceed with the assignment we all started yesterday...
as that, too, will be included on the test.
- Madeline. - What?
- What are you guys doing tonight? - It's Friday night.
- So, you've got dates? - Yeah, why?
I was hoping you could study with me.
- On a Friday night? - Yes.
- We've got dates. - What is she saying?
- She wants us to study with her. - On a Friday night?
- Yeah. - But we've got dates.
I know. I was hoping maybe you'd cancel them.
- To study? - Yes.
- On a Friday night? - What did she say?
She wants us to cancel our dates to study.
- On a Friday night? - That's what she said.
- But we have... - Oh, my God. Forget it!
So I suppose that you have big Friday night plans also?
Kind of.
The fact that I'm seeing my entire Harvard career slip away...
- is of no interest to anyone? - What are you talking about?
- I got an A-minus, okay? - So?
What do you mean "so"?
I got an A-minus. I have never gotten an A-minus.
I just can't focus lately. Things are so weird at my house.
My dad figured out exactly how much it'd cost him to divorce my mom.
So now he's back.
It's bad enough I wasted time crunching the numbers with him...
but now that he's back, they're fighting and redecorating. It's a mess.
I need help.
Look, I can't tonight...
but if you're still freaked out after the quiz on Tuesday...
I will spend every day next week helping you prepare for the final, okay?
- I guess. - Relax.
It will be fine. I promise.
All I had to do was move a decimal point, and none of this would have happened.
Look at this place. It's lovely.
And that smell. What is that? Eucalyptus?
- I don't know. - Well, it's lovely.
Lorelai, come over here. Look.
- They have cucumber slices in the water. - Wow.
If they have ranch dressing in the soap dispensers, this place is great.
You know what? I love it here.
Careful. That's how they get you in the Moonies.
I feel more relaxed already.
Mmmm...
That's the most delicious water I've had. Have a sip.
- Let's just check in, shall we? - Okay.
Hello. I'm Emily Gilmore. This is my daughter Lorelai.
Yes, welcome to Birchgrove. My name is Bobby.
I have everything all set for you.
- Any luggage? - It's in the Luca Brasi-mobile out front.
We can take care of that for you.
Here are your room keys and a copy of all of your spa activities.
You ladies are booked solid, I see.
We intend to leave here completely different people.
Yes, I'm going to be Ted Nugent.
Anyhow, your rooms are right down this hall.
Fruit and yogurt is served by the pool in the mornings.
Lunch and dinner seatings are on that itinerary.
- Any questions? - Yes.
Where can one get a cup of coffee around here?
We don't serve anything with caffeine here.
And you think that's safe?
Thank you. We're sure we're going to have a wonderful time.
Mom, there's no coffee.
It won't kill you to go two days without coffee.
No, I think it will.
Just focus on all the pampering we're going to have.
Look at all the things we have to look forward to.
- Oh, no. - What?
I'll be right back. They screwed up our appointments.
- Again? - What do you mean, "again"?
On the way to your house, I called to confirm our schedule and found...
they had booked us separately for every one of our treatments.
I insisted on speaking to a manager and was able to straighten everything out.
- Yes, those are right. - They are?
I had them move the pedicure tubs together in the same room...
- so we can talk during it. - I'm really gonna need a cup of coffee.
- Have some cucumber water. - No, that's not gonna do it...
- Drink, Lorelai. - Cucumber water. Yuck.
RORY: Well, your lung capacity certainly has improved.
Well, I've been playing a lot more basketball lately.
Yet another reason to continue the fight to keep physical education in schools.
- So, tonight... - Yes?
- I was thinking... - Yes?
Since your mother's going to be gone, maybe I'd come over.
What?
I was thinking of pulling kind of a hermit thing tonight.
- Why? - I don't know.
J.D. Salinger seems to dig it.
- You don't want me to come over? - No, I just...
I almost never get the house all to myself, and I thought with my mom gone...
I can finally do my laundry exactly the way I like it.
Not separating into whites and colors, but the colors separated...
into darks, mediums, and lights.
With a separate pile for white T-shirts...
and T-shirts with writing on them...
like "Rock Star," "Evil," or "Kafka Was Here."
You want to be alone to do laundry?
And watch TV, and eat the Indian food I love but my mom hates the smell of...
and go to bed early, and... Are you mad?
Why would I be mad? You want to spend tonight alone.
But tomorrow, the whole day is all about you.
I mean it. From morning till night.
You plan it, or I'll plan it...
or we can get a professional to plan it, whatever you want.
- Just don't be mad. - I'm not.
[Sighing]
- I'm not mad. - Good.
- I'm confused, but I'm not mad. - Fine.
I'm a saint, but I'm not mad.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
So, deep breath, and...
[Knocking on door]
[Knocking continues]
- How do I look? - Like a landlady. What is this?
I got adjoining rooms.
We don't have to go out in the hall to see each other.
Great thinking.
God, this robe is fabulous. How do they get it so soft?
Having about 40 other people wear it first is part of the secret.
Stop it. So are you all ready...
for our skin-rejuvenating and revitalizing collagen facial and eye treatment?
Almost.
It has vitamin C and plant extracts in it...
which is the hottest thing in skincare these days.
The eye treatment is supposed to reduce puffiness...
and minimize the appearance of fine lines.
Okay, no more brochures for you.
I'm ready. Let's go.
- Aren't you wearing your robe? - What?
You're supposed to wear a robe.
They'll give me one when I get there.
- But these robes are wonderful. - Mom.
They help you relax.
- We're late, Mom. - They're wonderful, relaxing robes.
- Oh, my God. - Yet you stand there...
like it's some badge of honor not to put on your robe like everyone else.
This isn't for me, you know. It's for you.
I already have on my robe. I am already relaxed.
- What are you doing? - You're kidding me, right?
Well, hurry up. We're going to be late.
Happy?
Apparently, you didn't see the matching slippers.
So, how are we doing?
- So good. - Okay.
I'm gonna leave you to sit for a few minutes, so relax and enjoy...
- and I'll be right back. - Thanks.
- Are your feet sweating? - Mom?
Those booties make my feet sweat. Don't they make your feet sweat?
What are you doing in my room?
Magda left me sitting for 20 minutes. Fine time to take a coffee break.
She's not taking a coffee break.
Your skin is supposed to be absorbing the moisture in your mask.
In your room.
Let's see what's next on our agenda, shall we?
Stop moving, Lorelai. You'll electrocute yourself.
The Egyptian mud bath.
I wonder if a mud bath is one of those things you see in brochures...
where they wrap you in towels like you're in a cocoon of some sort.
That might be nice.
Especially if their towels are as good as their robes.
Because I just love these robes.
Wonder where they get these robes.
Shouldn't be hard to find the manufacturer.
I could order a few of them. For me, you, and Rory.
EMILY: I still can't get over it. It really was mud.
I mean, I know it said mud bath...
but I didn't really think they meant a real mud bath.
The odd thing is, I should've been more repulsed by it.
Sitting in a tub of hot dirt, which is basically what mud is...
should have made me ill, and yet, I really enjoyed it.
Did yours have twigs? Mine had twigs.
When I asked the woman about them...
she told me they were there because of the healing qualities.
What are you doing? Lorelai, stop it! You're pushing me.
MASSEUR: How's the pressure? Too much?
LORELAI: Yep. MASSEUR: Sorry. I'll go lighter.
Your hands are amazing.
Compliment your masseur's hands, Lorelai.
Oh, my God.
- Excuse me? - Nothing.
You were muttering under your breath.
Years of experience have taught me that when you do that...
it's usually about me.
Mom, you signed us up for a couple's massage.
- So? - A couple's massage is for a couple...
not a couple of people.
It's more efficient this way. We finish at the same time.
Do you know what most people who get these massages do...
about five minutes after it's over? They have sex, together...
probably while wearing their robes.
Could the two of you excuse us for a moment, please? Thank you.
- Well, that was appalling. - Well, that was true.
You're determined to spoil this, aren't you?
Why, because I want a quiet, private massage?
You've been pouting and sulking and sighing...
- I haven't been sighing. - Rolling your eyes, mumbling.
That's how I detox.
You've made it your mission to be as miserable as possible.
- That's not true. - It's completely true.
If you don't care about hurting my feelings...
maybe you care that you're wasting all your relaxing time...
acting like a petulant 4-year-old.
I'm sorry.
Do you want me to try to get myself another room?
No.
I saw a supply closet down the hall.
Maybe my masseur could finish me in there.
Okay, Mom.
Or perhaps I could roll myself against a stucco wall...
eliminate the need for a masseur altogether.
Lie down, Mom, please.
If you say so.
- Lorelai? - Yes, Mom.
Would you go get the boys, please?
[Sighs]
No, that's two orders of garlic nan, three samosas, and a chicken vindaloo.
And rice. And the green sauce. And no salad. And...
Oh, wait. Sorry, can you hold on a sec?
- Hello? - Hi. This is Phil's Liquor.
I'm supposed to deliver a keg there tonight.
Hold on.
Hi. Sorry. Yeah, that's it.
Forty minutes. Great. Bye.
Hey.
- Who was that? - Sandeep's.
You're ordering the Indian food.
- Yep. - Good, enjoy.
Burn the house down after. It's the only way to get the smell out.
- Absolutely. How's the spa? - Tranquil.
- Really? - I wasn't done.
Tranquilizers will be required...
if I have to spend one more minute with my mother.
Tell me you're trying to get along with her.
- I'm being a peach. - Really?
Well, I smell like a peach.
- Was that the doorbell? - Yeah. Call you later.
Wait. I wanna find out who it is.
The sooner you get back to your weekend, the sooner it'll be over.
Can you get out my address book and count how many friends I have?
- Bye. - Mean.
RORY: Steal me soap.
Paris, what...
I tried to stay home and study myself, but I can't.
I don't know what anything means.
I can't even read my own handwriting. What does this say?
Whoever wrote this should be dressed in a clown suit...
stuffing bodies under their porch.
- You're in your pajamas. - I know.
This was the big night you planned? A rendezvous with Mr. Peanut?
- Well, I... - You're doing laundry.
- Yes. - You're doing laundry in your pajamas.
My mom's out of town, and I never get the house all to myself.
You never go months without seeing your parents...
getting a postcard that doesn't have a courtesy...
"Wish you were here" written on it?
That sucks. Don't let me stand in the way.
Wait.
No. I don't wanna get in the way.
I hear there'll be some hot knitting going on.
- Fine, I'll study with you. - You will?
For one hour. That's it.
We'll do a quick review and a pop quiz, and then you're going home.
- Deal? - Deal.
Okay. So, go sit on the couch.
- I'll be out in a minute. - Where are you going?
I'm going to go change.
Okay, but my hour doesn't start till you get back out here, right?
- You ready? - Wow, you look great, Mom.
- Are you being sarcastic? - No, I'm being completely serious.
Oh, well, thank you.
That's a pretty color. What is that?
- It's called "Vicious Trollop." - Stop it.
Why would you name a lipstick something like that?
- 'Cause "Dirty Whore" was taken? - You frighten me.
- Wanna try some? - No, thank you.
- Go on, Mom, try it. - It won't look good on me.
Sure it will.
- All right, but if I look ridiculous... - I'll be the first one to point it out.
You're a vicious trollop.
- Lorelai. - Sorry.
Well?
- I like it. - You do?
- I like it, too. - Good, let's go then. I'm starving.
Me, too. What are they serving for dinner tonight?
Well, let's see.
Hmm.
They certainly do like their tofu here, don't they?
And the word "steamed."
Well, they have dessert at least.
Cookies sweetened with sprouted mung bean.
- That sounds dreadful. - Yes, it does.
Where are you going? You're not changing? Our seating's in 10 minutes.
Get your coat.
I don't need it for the dining room.
- We're not going there. - Where are we going?
- Out. - Out where?
We're going to leave the spa, find a restaurant, and have a steak.
- A steak? - Who's gonna stop us?
- A steak. - Come on, Mom. What's it gonna be?
Vicious trollop or the wide world of mung beans?
- Let's go. - I'm right behind you.
Given that those are the reactions occurring in the two half-cells...
what do you do next?
We add them together, doubling the coefficients...
of the silver half equation but not the voltage.
We get the equation for the complete reaction.
You're in much better shape than you wanna think you are.
Impossible.
- Where are you going? - That's my food.
- Another half hour. Please. - No. You got your hour, you need to go.
- But... - Go.
Fine.
- Delivery. - What're you doing here?
Luke figured since you're alone, you wouldn't have food in the house.
So he sent over a care package.
I don't need a care package. I ordered from Sandeep's.
Really? Plan on burning down the house afterwards?
- Jess. - The only way to kill the smell.
Where should I put this? Kitchen?
Sure.
God, how much food is in there? This could feed 12.
Excuse me, I've seen you eat.
- Fine, six. - Well, he wanted you taken care of.
Wasn't sure how long your mom would be gone for.
- Just tonight. - He didn't know that.
- Now you can tell him. - I will.
So, how come Caesar didn't bring this over?
- I volunteered. - Why?
Wanted to get out of the construction zone.
There's nothing but banging and yelling.
Place gives me a headache.
Why, did you think I wanted to come over here and see you?
- No. - I just needed some quiet.
- Fine. - That's all.
- Got it. - Clear my head.
I understand.
- So aren't you gonna eat? - Eventually.
- It gets cold fast. - I can heat it up.
Reheated French fries really suck.
They do suck.
Yeah, so eat.
Okay, I will.
- You're still standing there. - You didn't give me a tip.
- You want money? - No. I'll take a fry, though.
Okay. Yeah. Have as much as you want.
Okay, great.
What are you doing?
- Getting ready to eat. - You're staying?
- Didn't you just invite me? - No, I...
You told me to have all I wanted. That sounded invitation-like.
You want to stay here and eat?
- Beats being at Luke's. - But...
I can't find my flashcards.
I didn't know you had company.
This is Paris. We were just studying.
Don't worry. I was just leaving. If you find my flashcards, call me.
- No. - What?
Stay for dinner.
- But I thought... - We have a ton of food...
and we can go over the notes more later.
- You sure? - Positive.
- Is that mac and cheese? - Sure is.
- I love mac and cheese. - Great.
- I'm not allowed to have mac and cheese. - Splurge.
Come on, Paris, stay.
Do you have a 24-hour pharmacy in case I have an allergic reaction?
- Believe it or not, we do. - Okay.
- Can I borrow your phone? - It's by the door.
- Interesting. - What is?
- You think we need a chaperon? - No, I don't.
- You just invited one. - Just being polite.
Paris is alone tonight...
and you yourself said we have enough food for six.
- With me, it's down to four. - With Paris, it's two.
- Works out well. - I think so.
[Paris speaking Spanish]
[Jazz music playing]
My goodness, look at this place.
I bet there's no cucumber slices in the water here.
- Hi, there. Party of two. - Okay.
I can take your name, but I won't have a table for about an hour.
- An hour? - I can't wait an hour.
- Me neither. - I'll pass out.
Go first. You can break my fall.
- Can we bribe you? - Sorry.
- Please? She's loaded. - Lorelai!
A couple of stools opened up at the bar...
and we serve our entire menu there.
That is a great idea. Thanks. Come on.
- We can't eat dinner at a bar. - I don't wanna wait an hour.
I'm wearing the wrong shoes for a drive-thru.
What'll people think?
That we're loose women with questionable morals.
It's not right to eat dinner when your feet don't touch the floor.
- What can I get you ladies? - Hi, Steve. Nice to meet you.
- We will have two martinis? - Why not?
Two vodka martinis straight up with a twist, very dry, very cold...
- and a couple of menus. - And some peanuts.
Peanuts. Good idea.
Here you go. I'll get your drinks.
LORELAI: Thank you. You're a good man, Steve.
Okay, I'm thinking steak and Caesar salad, if it's not too anchovy-y.
Do you wanna split a shrimp cocktail to start?
That sounds fine.
I just love the idea of shrimp cocktail with a steak dinner, you know?
It's so casino, Big Joe, steak and shrimp.
Save some for winter.
I never realized how wonderful peanuts were before.
STEVE: Want a refill? EMILY: Yes, please.
- Cheers, Mom. - Cheers.
- I must tell you, I never expected this. - What?
Me inhaling peanuts at a singles bar.
This isn't a singles bar, Mom. It's a 60-40 bar.
A what?
60-year-old men hitting on 40-year-old women.
- Divorcées, mostly. - Really?
Look around.
Now, she can do better than that. What does she see in him?
Big will, short life span. The usual draw.
- Hey, Mom. - I wonder if they have pretzels, too.
Don't look now, but I think you're passing for a 40-year-old woman.
What?
2:00, silver fox, totally checking you out.
- He is not. - Well, he's not staring at Steve.
You're being ridiculous.
He's definitely not looking at me.
- He's still looking. - Drink your martini, Lorelai.
PARIS: Tragic waste of paper. JESS: I can't believe you just said that.
It's true. The Beats' writing was completely self-indulgent.
I have one word for Jack Kerouac: edit.
It was not self-indulgent. The Beats believed in shocking people...
stirring things up.
They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime.
They expose you to a world you wouldn't have otherwise known.
Isn't it what great writing's about?
It wasn't great writing. It was the National Enquirer of the '50s.
- You're cracked. - Typical guy response.
Worship Kerouac and Bukowski.
God forbid you pick up anything by Jane Austen.
- I've read Jane Austen. - You have?
Yeah. And I think she would have liked Bukowski.
- What are you doing? - Salt and peppered it.
- Only way to eat a fry. - Really?
It's fast-food gospel.
That's good. That's really good.
[Telephone ringing]
- Do you like hot sauce? - I don't know. Should I?
I think it's wise.
- Hello? - Hey.
Oh, hey.
- Where are you? - On my way to see you, if that's okay.
I know you wanna be alone. I'll only stay a minute.
- I just want to say hi. - You said hi.
- I want to say hi a little closer. - But I'm a mess.
It's not pretty. You won't recognize me.
Then put a name tag on, 'cause I miss you.
- I miss you, too, but... - But what?
- Paris is here. - Why?
She freaked out about a grade and wanted to go over notes.
You know her, she will not be denied.
I'm not really ruining your alone night. Someone else did that.
- Yes, but... - I'll see you in a sec.
Can't get into poetry.
It's like, "Jeez, just say it already. We're dying here."
I just noticed the time, and it's getting really late.
It's 7:00.
I know, but Paris and I still have a lot more studying to do.
Jess, please thank Luke for me. It was really nice of him.
- Who was that on the phone? - No one.
Would "no one" be heading over here?
Jess.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
- Rory doesn't want Dean to find me here. - Why?
- Yeah, why? - You know why.
- We're just eating dinner. - Jess, I'm asking you as a friend.
- Please leave now. - You really want me to go?
I really want to avoid a fight with Dean.
- Okay, I'm going. - Thank you.
JESS: Ow!
RORY: What?
I just twisted my ankle. I better go lie down.
You're no fun when you're tense. Are you sure you want me to go?
Maybe this can be solved between me and Dean...
if we had a little heart-to-heart.
He could tell me his issues, I'll tell him mine.
- I promise I'll speak slowly. - Bye.
Give him my best, would you?
JESS: Actually, I guess I could do that myself.
Dean, Jess just came by to bring me some food.
From Luke's.
RORY: He wanted to make sure I ate. JESS: Luke did.
Personally, I could care less if she eats.
True, he could care less.
I see you brought a little something, too.
JESS: Is that ice cream? That's so nice.
A tiny little ice-cream package just big enough for two.
Are you guys gonna feed each other? 'Cause that's just so darn cute.
Oops.
You're doing that towering-over-me thing.
I tell you, you've really got that down.
It helps that you're 12 feet tall.
But this Frankenstein scowl really adds to the whole...
- Jess! - Okay, I'm going.
Look, man, I really was just dropping off some food...
so don't get all West Side Story on me, okay?
So, do you want to come in?
What the hell is going on?
- Dean, you remember Paris, right? - Yeah, hi.
So Jess just dropped this off?
Now, I know you eat fast, but this is a lot of food to put away that quickly...
- even on your best day. - Okay, he didn't just drop it off.
- You told me you were doing laundry. - I was.
And now you're here with Jess.
- And Paris. - Jess, Rory!
I swear, I didn't...
- You didn't know he was coming over? - I didn't.
- You also didn't know he'd stay? - It just happened.
- How does that just happen? - Well, he was...
And the diner was... And I...
And you what? Say something!
- Stop yelling. - You totally lied to me.
- I didn't. - Turn the situation around.
- How's it looking? - Complicated...
- and I'm trying to explain it. - That's crap.
PARIS: It's my fault. DEAN: What?
It's my fault that Jess was here.
I saw him in the diner the day I came to Stars Hollow...
and I thought he was cute, and since I'm not great...
at the "batting the eyelashes, look at my belly shirt" kind of thing...
I asked Rory to help me.
I thought if she could maybe get him over here, we'd have a chance to talk...
and I don't know. It seems totally stupid now...
and it obviously didn't work, shock, but that's why he was here.
- Thanks for trying to cover for me. - That's okay.
Anyway, I should get going.
I'm probably gonna break out in some sort of rash any second now.
- So Paris likes Jess. - Yeah.
Rory, is this true?
- Yes, it is. - Paris and Jess?
I know. There's no explaining attraction.
Dean, listen to me.
If I was going to have anyone over tonight, it definitely would have been you.
- Okay. - Really?
If you say so, then I have to believe it, don't I?
- Yes. - Okay, then.
Sorry that I yelled.
Completely justified under the circumstances.
- I gotta get going. - No, wait.
Don't you wanna stay for ice cream? We could hang out.
- No, I'm just gonna go. - I'm still seeing you tomorrow, right?
Yeah, sure.
Hey.
See you tomorrow.
- What was that? - What?
That. The story. The save.
You helped me. Why would you do that?
I don't know. It just came out.
- You have no idea what you did. - It was no big deal.
No, it was a very big deal. It was a huge deal.
You helped me tonight when you didn't want to, so I owed you.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Okay, I'll let you get back to your alone night.
You should stay.
- Stay? - Yeah.
We could hang out, maybe watch some TV.
You can spend the night if you don't want to drive back.
- Spend the night? Like a slumber party? - Sort of.
You're doing this 'cause I lied to Dean for you, right?
I'm doing this because it's what you do with friends.
We're friends?
I'm not sure if there's an exact definition for what we are...
but I do think it falls somewhere in the bizarro friends-ish realm.
- Come on, stay. - Okay.
But if you're doing all this so you can freeze my bra, I'll kill you.
Duly noted.
This is either the greatest steak I've ever eaten...
or I'm so hungry, I'm delirious.
Pass the horseradish, please.
I never knew you were a spicy girl.
Believe me, I can handle my heat.
One summer when we were first married...
your father and I stayed in this village in Thailand...
where we spent two weeks eating viciously hot chilies...
- and skinny-dipping. - Stop, Mom.
You couldn't put your clothes on after eating those.
Stop it! I like to think of parents the old-fashioned way.
In separate bedrooms.
And now it's time for my favorite part of the evening:
Our salute to the Chairman of the Board.
I sure hope that's not B-O-R-E-D.
[Jazz music playing]
- Mom? - Yes?
Remember the man who wasn't staring at you?
He wasn't staring at me.
- Okay. Well, he's coming over. - What?
Excuse me. I hope I'm not interrupting.
I couldn't help but notice that you two are having more fun than anyone here.
- That's true. We are. - Well, good.
I've come to the right place. Hi, I'm Chad.
Hi, Chad. I'm Lorelai. This is my mother, Emily.
Your mother?
If your next words are, "You can't possibly be old enough...
"to be her mother," I'll have to cause you severe physical pain.
Emily, do you share this rather extreme opinion?
I think I'll stay out of it.
In that case, let me just say that I think you look more like sisters...
than mother and daughter. I went for a variation.
I'll let it slide this time.
- You two local or just visiting? - Visiting.
- Mom's from Hartford, and I'm from... - Hartford? Great town.
Little of the old, little of the new.
- You like living there? - Yes, I do.
- And how about you? Where do you live? - Here.
By here, I mean this very bar stool.
Admitting right off the bat that you spend your life in a bar.
Do you find that people are impressed by that?
Until now.
I love this song.
- It's a great song for dancing. - Yes, it is.
[Band playing Fly Me to the Moon]
- Help me out here, will you? - I think he's asking you to dance.
What? No, I couldn't.
Rumor has it you love this song.
Yes, but I don't dance.
Come on, I can't believe that.
- I shouldn't leave my daughter alone. - That's okay.
The sitter will be here soon.
I'm serious. You should ask someone else.
Is it my dancing?
Because you two can work out some "save me" signal...
in case I really embarrass you.
Go ahead, Mom. It'll be fun.
Come on, the song's almost over.
You'll hardly have to spend any time at all with me.
All right.
- Your mom looks good out there. - Yeah, she sure does.
[Band playing romantic jazz music]
I'm sorry, I have to go.
Mom?
- Mom, what's wrong? - We're leaving.
- What happened? - I shouldn't be doing this.
- Doing what? - Fraternizing with other men.
- What are you talking about? - I practically cheated on your father.
- You did not cheat on Dad. - I danced with another man.
You've danced with other men before.
Not like that, not without your father present.
It was just a dance. You were having fun.
I need to go. How hard is it to find a coat?
Mom, you didn't do anything wrong.
I don't know why I let you take me to this chophouse. I don't go to chophouses.
- What were you thinking? - Need food now?
I certainly don't eat at bars. Hookers eat at bars.
- Only if they can't get a table. - You're not funny.
You knew this made me uncomfortable and yet you kept pushing.
I was trying to do everything right.
You manipulated me into taking this trip and still I came.
You told me I was acting like a teenager so I tried to be nicer.
You said you needed to eat so I made that happen.
By sitting me at a bar where you forced me...
to engage in inappropriate behavior.
- What? - You let me get 60-40'd.
You are crazy. Do you know that?
We were having dinner, Mom, a nice dinner. We were talking.
Hell, we were having fun.
Watching your mother make an ass of herself is fun.
You don't have any right to complain about this relationship...
if you don't wanna let your guard down once in a while and just be normal.
There's a way for a mother to behave with her daughter.
I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's how it is.
[Lorelai sighing]
LORELAI: Come in.
I called the bellman to get the bags. He said it would be 10 minutes.
- Thank you for agreeing to leave early. - No problem.
I guess this whole thing was a silly idea anyway.
I don't know why I pushed it.
We can't even have dinner without a fight.
What was I thinking, putting us together for a weekend?
It was a nice thought, Mom.
I guess it's the thought that counts, isn't it?
You know, if you want, I can just bring our bags down.
They're not that heavy. Then we don't have to wait.
Well, that sounds fine.
Why can't we have what you and Rory have?
- Rory and I are different. - We're mother and daughter.
You're mother and daughter. It shouldn't be different.
It's completely different. It couldn't be more different.
But why?
I grew up in a different environment.
- You mean an oppressive environment. - No, I mean a different environment.
And plus, I was so young when I had Rory.
So because I waited until I was grown and married...
I can't have a relationship with my daughter.
- No. - Well, then, why?
Rory and I are best friends, Mom.
We are best friends first and mother and daughter second.
And you and I are mother and daughter always.
I wasn't taught to be best friends with my daughter.
I know.
I was taught to be a role model for my daughter.
I know that, too.
I did what I thought was right, what I had to do to protect you.
Because of this, we have no relationship.
- Mom, we have a relationship. - We do?
What? What is our relationship?
- Well, we... - Exactly.
Maybe an intense weekend together was not the best idea for us.
Maybe we need to start with something simpler.
- Like what? A brisk walk around the block? - No, I hate exercise.
- Well, as long as you find this amusing. - Mom.
Come on, there has to be something else.
- Something small. - Like what?
Where are you going? Lorelai, come back here.
You don't just walk out on a person. That's rude.
- That's a robe. - Yes. This is my robe.
And I want you to go into your room and get your robe.
And then, exactly at the same time...
we're gonna shove these robes in our suitcases...
and we're gonna walk out that door and leave with them.
- That's stealing. - Yes, it is.
You want me to steal? That's how we're going to bond?
You love this robe. You've talked about this robe since we got here.
So this robe will be symbolic of our trip together.
Soon as they check the room, they'll know the robes are gone.
- Then they'll charge our credit card. - How do you know?
Because that's what the tag on the hanger says.
The little tag on the hanger could be right,
or the little tag could just be there...
trying to scare us away from trying.
Either way, whether we get away with it or not...
it's something we did. You and I.
You're serious.
- I'm folding this robe up. - Lorelai.
- I'm putting this robe in my bag. - That's lunacy.
I am zipping up the bag that contains the robe.
- I have a perfectly good robe at home. - The only question is...
am I doing it alone?
Did you ever steal a robe with Rory?
No, Rory would never steal. She's far too moral for that.
You, however, vicious trollop...
what's it gonna be?
I should have my head examined.
We'll make an appointment when we get back.
You do know in the course of one night...
you've turned me into an adulterer and a thief.
I'll have you working at the Chicken Ranch soon.
I cannot believe I'm doing this.
[Hammering and drilling]
You actually got Grandma to steal a bathrobe?
I did catch her trying to return it while I was getting the car.
- Still. - I know.
Life with my mother: one step forward, 5,000 steps back.
It's kind of like the spastic polka.
- Excuse me. Are you done? - No, sorry, not yet.
You're gonna eat half a piece of bacon that's been there for 10 minutes?
You must be if you're saying you're not done.
Because that's the only thing left. Unless you eat plates.
- Go away. - You're hogging the table.
- If you keep it up, I'm ordering seconds. - Fine.
Paris looked a little green this morning.
She had a sugar-carb hangover of monumental proportions.
People don't realize it, but it takes years of training to eat the way we do.
- Don't I know it. - So what's on the agenda for today?
Dean, Dean, and... Oh, did I mention Dean?
Wow, he must have been crazy mad last night.
I'd say that was a fair assessment.
I gotta get to the Inn.
Okay. I'm probably gonna have dinner with Dean, so...
I'll have the house to myself tonight. Life's funny, isn't it?
I simply cannot stop laughing. I'll get the check.
Thanks, hon.
- Hey, Luke. - What, you find a nail in your food?
I swear to God, Tom, you are dead. You hear me? Dead!
There's nothing wrong with the food, Luke.
Sorry, Tom.
- I just wanted to thank you. - For what?
- The care package. That was sweet of you. - What care package?
Luke, I think they hit the water line again.
What? Tom, you are dead. You hear me? Dead!
Hmm.
- Interesting. - You wanna pay?
I don't think Luke knew about the food last night.
That'll be $12.50.
You lied about why you came over.
I don't have any quarters. I'll have to give nickels.
Why would you lie about something like that?
Here's your change. Come again soon.
- You wanted to come. - I have to get back to work.
You're squirming. I've never seen you squirm. It's entertaining.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Dean, hey. - Hey.
Rory's just inside paying. She's coming out to meet you after.
- We're gonna spend the day together. - That's great.
Yeah, it is.
So, listen, Rory told me everything that happened last night.
- She feels just terrible about it. - I know.
Good. You should.
'Cause it's just one of those freaky, unfortunate things that happens.
Freaky and unfortunate. Yeah.
She had nothing to do with Jess coming over, believe me.
- She did not want him there. - That's what she told me.
Rory wouldn't lie, right?
No, Rory wouldn't lie.