LORELAI: [On machine] We're not in, so... Bashed my thumb. Leave a message.
EMILY: [On machine] I'm tired of this ridiculous machine. I get it every time...
That was close.
Rory are always out. What is it that you do?
Is your house that awful you can't be in it? It's too much excitement.
What isn't in Emily's rules of conduct?
I don't want to talk to a machine. Call you later.
If you had your way, you'd lock us up like veal. You want veal children.
[Phone ringing]
We're not in, so... Bashed my thumb. Leave a message.
- It's me again... - You are talking to a machine.
Don't forget that my DAR meeting's on Tuesday...
It's burned into my brain. It's there forever.
And the women are all extremely punctual.
When I'm senile and gaga and drooling into a cup...
and I can't remember my name...
I'll still remember that your DAR meeting is that Tuesday.
I'll talk to you about some other things later.
I'd have to be deprogrammed by cult deprogrammers...
to get that Tuesday out of my brain.
[Phone ringing]
We're not in, so... Bashed my thumb. Leave a message.
EMILY: Your phone message is annoying... LORELAI: Unbelievable.
You know how annoying it is?
I think I have a standard against which to measure it.
You heard it lately?
Can't because I'm amputating my ears.
Don't say your name. That thumb bashing thing, is that a joke?
Why is that your jokes are always...
An earless world, what a dream.
Haven't you already tasted that soup twice, Mom?
- You keeping a running count? - I'm morbidly fascinated.
When you're tasting anything, the first taste acclimates the palate...
the second establishes a foundation, the third is to make your decision.
Gonna be a third one.
Isn't it what this is for, to taste the soup?
Taste, yes. Not to orally deduce their chemical structures.
Everything has to be at your pace.
A pace that can't be measured by the number of times the earth circles the sun.
- Actually, I've heard that. - What?
One is to acclimate, two is for foundation, and three is to judge.
- Traitor. - The women in my group are very picky.
When the pâté at the meeting Heddy Covington organized...
was less chilled than appropriate, she was ostracized for a month.
- That hussy Heddy had it coming. - Lorelai.
They're on time for once. Good.
- Do me a favor and tell Michel that... - Lorelai, please.
Thanks.
I got a lot of other things happening. They can't come to a grinding halt for this.
Your full attention for a short period is too much to ask for?
I'm giving you more attention than I would someone in these circumstances.
No one else would get eight separate soups to taste for a lousy DAR... Sorry.
A not-lousy DAR meeting. We only do this for weddings.
- Would you like me to pay for the tasting? - No, just decide in this calendar year.
Can I... I'm sorry.
The mushroom is a great choice. It's super-popular...
and it's my Jackson's favorite.
- Whose? - Jackson, my fiancé.
- You're getting married? - To the best man in the world.
While we're on the subject, bridesmaids' outfits.
I'm way ahead of you. Already got a couple of ideas.
Is one of them having me design and make them...
so I don't secretly hate what you pick and harbor a secret grudge against you?
- It is now. - I'll do it.
We're a good team.
That fellow's on the phone from the restaurant.
- Who? - The flannel man with protruding ankles.
I forgot his name from the desk to here. That's how memorable he is.
Okay, thank you.
- Where are you going? - To talk to Luke.
- Can't you call him back? - Have your third taste.
Lorelai! Is she always this scattered?
- She's the stablest person I know. - That's very sad.
- I think you're right. Mushroom. - Great.
- Tell me more about your wedding. - Just started planning, not much to tell.
Have you decided on anything yet? Location or the music for the ceremony?
We'll probably just wind up playing something off a CD.
Oh.
What?
CD's can be very unreliable. They break sometimes or they skip...
or the person assigned to turn them on and off gets distracted...
and the whole ceremony is ruined.
- I hadn't thought of that. - Have you thought about live music?
- A nice string ensemble. - That sounds nice.
There are a couple of wonderful groups I could recommend.
- Sure. It doesn't hurt to check them out. - No, it doesn't.
- Mushroom soup. - String quartet.
- Luke? - Yeah. Hi.
- How's it going? - Pretty good. How's things with you?
Not bad. Dropped some eggs. Hazard of the business.
- Am I catching you at a bad time? - No, it's kind of slow here.
So slow that Michel and I were about to get the tetherball out.
The thing with the ball tethered to a rope?
I never knew that's where the tether comes from.
Yeah, it's tied like an anchor is tethered to a rope on a boat.
Neat. Neat.
- Most people don't put that together. - Probably not.
- So anything else? - Yeah, actually.
If I needed a room or two for a couple of days, would it be possible?
- You need rooms? - Like, nine.
- You need nine rooms? - Just for a couple of days.
- Wednesday and Thursday. - I can take care of that. What's it for?
- I just got some family coming in. - Reunion? We can get the tetherball out.
- No, funeral. - What?
Yeah, my uncle Louie died last night, and I'm arranging the funeral for him.
Luke, I'm so sorry. Here I was babbling about tetherball.
- You weren't babbling. - You've got nine rooms.
- Wednesday and Thursday. - You sure?
- It's a done deal. - Thanks.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay. It sounds like he went peaceful. He was 85.
But it's always hard. You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay. - Can I help you with anything else?
No, the rooms are help enough.
Are you sure? 'Cause I'm dealing with my mom now...
and I'd be happy to rush over and help with whatever.
You'd be doing me a favor.
The rooms are all I need. Thanks.
- You're welcome. - I got to go.
- Call if you need anything. - I will.
By the way, that French guy is a putz.
- Yeah. He knows. - All right. See you.
Bye.
RORY: It's so sad. LORELAI: I know.
Was Luke shaken over his uncle dying?
I don't know. He's so unflappable. It's hard to tell.
The man definitely can't be flapped.
[Singing Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham]
WOMAN: Can I get another cup of coffee? LUKE: In a minute.
MAN 1: Is that my food? MAN 2: More coffee here, too.
LUKE: In a minute. MAN: Is that my food?
- More coffee for me, too. - Shut up, Kirk.
- Is that my food? - Yes, that's your food.
- Can I have it? - I'm doing all I can, folks.
- I asked nicely. - Watch the cord.
- Try ducking. - You should update to a cordless.
- What are you doing? - Thanks. I'm on the phone.
- We noticed. - I can't serve and be on the phone.
RORY: We noticed that, too.
Your reenactment of Jerry Lewis in The Diner Guy will wow the critics.
- Where do the poached eggs go? - Crank in the hat.
- I'm not a crank. You are a crank. - He is a crank.
- And the French toast? - The lady with the giant purse.
- This is not good. - Fall back, cowboy.
- What are you doing? - Come here.
Stay on the phone and give me these.
- Where do they go? - Table by the window.
- Don't you number your tables? - No.
You should number your tables.
If I said a number, you wouldn't know what table's what number.
- But all restaurants number their tables. - They go to table five.
- Cool. Which one is that? - The table by the window.
- By the window, Wilma. - Got it, Gertie.
KIRK: How about that coffee? LORELAI: I got it.
Thanks.
But mine's a quarter caf. Three-fourths decaf, one-fourth caffeinated.
- I four-fourths don't care. - Fill it up.
- Sorry about this. - It's okay.
The world's full of people who micromanage their lives...
to the point where they can't wait an extra second.
- We're running out of coffee. - I'll make some more.
- No, I got it. - Do you know how?
Do I? I'm Cathy Coffee, mister...
the bastard offspring of Mrs. Folger and Juan Valdez.
- Where's Jess? - I don't know.
- School? - Please. Probably upstairs.
Really? Excuse me.
- It's too strong. - It's not.
- You're on the phone. - Not everyone likes it strong.
Then I shall convert them. I'm the Jehovah's coffee girl.
[Laughter from TV]
Jess, open up. I know you're in there.
Aren't we bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
- Luke needs you downstairs. - Why?
He's on the phone, Caesar's off today, the place is packed. He needs help.
- I'll be down in a minute. - No. Now.
I'm in the middle of something.
Assume that Jeanie's gonna get Major Healey out of whatever he's in.
Thanks for spoiling it for me.
- I need some more Equal. - There's one right there.
I need seven.
Seven? You're not squirreling these away in your pocket for home use, are you?
- No, I use seven in my coffee. - Okay. Good. Then allow me.
There you go. Go ahead and give that a taste.
- See if it's to your liking. - Okay.
- Perfection. - Good.
- You're very graceful. - She pushed me.
- Sue me. - I could've broken my neck.
As long as it's not your arm. We need your arm.
Despot.
It took me 20 minutes to get past this place's busy signal...
- then they put me on hold forever. - Who's keeping you on hold?
That mortuary in Florida where my uncle's at.
I thought he was in the area.
He spent most of his life here but retired to Orlando.
So I got to ship the body back here.
He wanted to be buried in Stars Hollow?
No. My dad wanted my uncle buried here right next to him.
That's nice.
They were close, and Louie didn't have a family to look out for things.
Before my dad died, he asked me if I'd look out for him.
For Louie.
He wanted me to make sure he got a proper funeral.
- Respectful, dignified. - No horseshoe carnation wreaths.
Got it. Good man, that dad of yours.
And since Louie's a war veteran...
the town Revolutionary War re-enactors will attend the service...
do the salute thing.
It makes me nauseous, but my dad wanted it.
Yeah. Hi. I'm still here.
Yes, the deceased is Louie Danes. Right.
No, Hartford's not too far. I can do that. Thanks.
Great. That's done. Okay.
I should probably go pick out a coffin before he gets here.
Great. Go.
- I have to close up. - No. You're covered.
- You don't have to do this. - We don't mind. Go.
- Gives me a chance to number the tables. - Be my guest.
Are they arranged like this for any particular reason?
- Don't change anything. - It's totally not Feng Shui.
- Gertie. - Go.
Excuse me, Taylor, where are your Brussels sprouts?
My supplier was out of them this week, Mrs. Cassini. Maybe next week.
- I wanted to make them tonight. - Sorry.
Okay. I'll just try across the street.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Across the street?
What is that?
It's a farmer's market. Isn't it wonderful?
It just opened this morning, and I see sprouts.
Who's the proprietor here?
That would be me. What can I do for you?
Wait a minute. I know you.
You're that long-haired freak that wanted to be town troubadour...
even though that weird brown-corduroyed- jacket-wearing freak was already it.
That's right. Good memory. How are you?
- Let go of me. - Don't like to be touched. That's cool.
Got a David and Lisa thing happening. Made a mental note. No problem.
Can I help you?
I want to know what inspired you to open a produce stand...
right across the street from my market?
- Is that your market? - Yes, that's my market.
It's real nice. Homey. Bought a box of tissues there.
Good stuff. Good stuff.
MISS PATTY: Excuse me.
Your parsley, is it priced per bunch or per pound?
- Per pound, beautiful. - Good deal.
- Patty. - Hi, Taylor. How are you?
You mean not counting the knife sticking in my back?
Sure, honey, whatever.
There must be some mistake. This just isn't right.
It's approved by the proper authorities. I followed the rules.
It's what Dad taught me. Cop for 20 years, got shot in the butt. Good man.
Tips over sometimes when he sits, but good man.
- Beautiful sprouts. - For a beautiful lady.
Thank you.
- I feel sick. - That'll be $4.
- See you, Mr. Doose. - I want to lie down.
Lorelai, good. Tell me about the nine rooms set aside here...
there's no name anywhere that I can see, and no credit card to hold them. Mistake?
- No, it's for Luke. - For whom?
- Luke from Luke's Diner. - Nine rooms for Luke from Luke's Diner.
- French Fry convention? - No, just personal.
- Milkshake symposium? - No, it's personal. I'm vouching for him.
- Soda pop seminar? - Stop.
- Pickle party? - He's got nine rooms. Now stifle.
- Mom, hi there. - Lorelai, hello.
I'm sorry. Did we get our signals crossed? I don't have an appointment with you.
We have to make appointments to see each other?
- No. But... good one. - I'm not here to see you.
- This isn't about the DAR meeting? - No, that's ready to go.
- I'm here to meet with Sookie. - Sookie?
I'm a little late. Traffic was awful. Excuse me, would you?
- Oh, my God. - Aren't they beautiful?
- Gorgeous. What are they for? - My wedding.
- Your wedding? - Emily, hi!
- Is this everything I said it was? - And more.
What do you mean they're for your wedding?
It's this company's sample place setting. Emily set me up with them.
They did Celine Dion's wedding and Steven Spielberg's daughter's...
- Jack Russell Terrier's "bark" mitzvah. - You're putting me on.
I couldn't make that up.
Excuse me. This one's slightly asymmetrical. Fix, please.
What is with the fancy place settings? I thought you were gonna keep it simple.
It is simple.
- It lights up. - Just flip a switch. Simple.
- How did my mother get so involved? - She's not that involved.
She just mentioned the other day that she knew some people...
that could make samples of stuff for us, like table settings, flower arrangements.
- We were gonna do the flowers ourselves. - But what a hassle that would be.
It's to save money. Flowers cost a fortune.
But the sampling of what they're doing today is free.
- I'm not committed to any of this. - I hope not.
It's true. I say no, it all goes away.
- Not a penny is spent. - Okay.
- And it's fun. - I don't want to take away your fun.
I just want you to be careful. You've entered "Emily-land."
"Emily-land"?
It's an upside-down world where the Horchow house is low-rent...
and diamonds less than 24 carats are Cracker Jack trinkets...
and Bentleys are for losers who can't afford a Rolls.
- But I'm okay. Really. - All right.
I have to help Luke with the lunch rush, so I gotta go.
- Go. We're fine. - Okay. Bye, Mom.
Is that a fingerprint? My god! That's a fingerprint! Who touched this?
Let me see your hands.
TAYLOR: [Muttering] Turnips, butternut...
- Turnips. - What?
- What about turnips? - Why did you say "turnips?"
- Because you said "turnips." - No, I didn't.
- I think you did. - No, but I've got turnips. Good ones, too.
They're not as big as that crinite freak's, but who needs bloated turnips?
Mine are unassuming. I have nice, humble turnips.
Okey-dokey.
Taylor's wigging.
He's been sitting there like the final days of Dick Nixon for an hour.
Keep an eye on him.
- Hello, there. How's it going? - Very good, young lady.
- Still serving breakfast? - We serve it all day. What'll you have?
- Two eggs up on toast. - Up, huh?
- Yeah. - Wouldn't you rather have scrambled?
- Nope, up's how I like them. - Scrambled's better. Give it a shot.
Say you want two scrambled eggs on toast, please.
Okay, young lady. Two scrambled eggs on toast.
Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck 'em. That's real live diner talk.
- The "wreck 'em" is the scrambled part. - I deduced that.
TAYLOR: I don't believe it. LORELAI: What's the matter?
That's Babette with an armload of rutabagas.
And there's Miss Patty again. Since when does she eat so much fruit?
- Hi, Kirk. - Hello.
- Where's Luke? - He's busy with some stuff...
so Rory and I are helping out. What can I get you?
I want lunch, but I'm not sure what to get.
I have a suggestion: a hamburger with some strawberry ice cream...
- with chocolate sauce for dessert? - Sounds good.
Yo, burn one, then pass me a pink stick and throw some mud on it!
God, I love this business.
Boy, it's freezing out there.
Yes, it's quite a cold snap. How about a hot blonde with sand?
Coffee with cream and sugar would be great. Thanks.
- Make sure its foot's out the door. - Put it in a cup to go. Got it.
This icy weather hasn't kept customers away. They keep coming.
A lot of vegetable soup being eaten tonight, yes sirree.
I hope I don't put the good people at Campbell's out of business.
Hey, Taylor. Didn't notice you there.
- Hello. - Taking a little break?
I don't see how if you're anywhere near as busy as I am.
Keep waiting for a lull, never get one.
I say to the people, "I'll be back in a jiff."
Look at them. They're lining up there already.
FYI, Van Halen hair, I'm plenty busy.
But a good, well-groomed businessman with properly prepared staff...
can take a break now and then.
Probably helped that your store was dead, too.
- It was not dead. - I thought it was closed when I walked by.
Then I saw Gabby at the cash register reading a tabloid...
- Shut up. - Tapping on the counter...
- with one of those astrological scrolls. - Enough.
- Here you go. - Gracias. Boy, it's a mob scene.
Luke, it's me.
Brought you a wimpy with a rose pinned on it.
- A what? - A turkey burger with onions.
- Thanks. Come on. - How's the money pit coming?
- Just... That's it. - What's the matter?
Nothing.
- None of them are coming, not one. - Who?
My relatives, the ones I booked the rooms for.
- Not one is coming to Louie's funeral. - You're kidding. Why?
Which lame-o excuse do you want to hear first?
- A bunch claim they can't get out of work. - That's not so lame-o.
Randy and Barbara don't want to miss their kid's rugby semifinal.
- Rugby has semifinals? - My sister never even called back.
My cousins that my dad helped put through college...
said they were too exhausted from a fishing trip.
And slightly disturbed cousin Frannie said she can't leave because her Petey's sick.
- Son? - Parrot.
- Petey, the parrot? - I saw the stupid thing once...
flapping its wings like crazy, banging around...
squawking the only two words it knows over and over: "Petey" and "gorgeous."
[Imitating parrot] Gorgeous. Petey.
- That's disturbing. - My family's disturbing.
I'm so sorry.
This is wrong. This is not how it's done.
A family member dies, you pay your respects, period.
If they don't want to be there, you don't want them there.
- My dad wanted them to be there. - I know.
Louie lived in Stars Hollow most of his life.
So people from here will be there, right?
Right.
I know it's upsetting, but maybe it's better this way.
Yeah, I guess. I really hate that bird.
Hey, Mom.
What's up? You got a herd of bulls shopping for china?
- What? - Customers.
How long have you owned a diner?
Sorry. Jackson wants to talk to you. Says it's important.
- About what? - I don't know. He seems upset.
- All right. You okay? - Yeah. Thanks.
- You might want to study that diner talk. - I'll do that tonight.
- Where's Jess? - Probably out playing basketball.
That little punk.
Can I take your order?
Yes. Bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, no mayo.
I need a piggy-piggy with a green bed... Green blanket.
BLT, no mayo. Rats.
Jackson.
- I'm a miserable man. - What's up?
Remember that sweet, simple, affordable, little wedding Sookie and I agreed on...
with minimal disagreement, none in fact, perhaps the first time in the history...
of wedding planning that a couple agreed 100% on everything?
- Yes. - Gone. Ancient history.
It's the Library of Alexandria, the Colossus of Rhodes.
It's Pop Rocks. It's over. And do you know why?
- My mother? - Look.
- What are they doing? - They're measuring the town.
They're measuring the entire town with tape measures.
Oh, my God.
Your mother got hers at Neiman Marcus. It's platinum with gold leaf.
- It costs more than my car. - I'm so sorry.
I love Sookie, and I want her to have what she wants.
- But... You see what they're doing now? - Yep.
According to their diagrams, that's where the 16-piece orchestra goes.
How are they gonna fit a 16-piece orchestra in the gazebo?
- They want to move the gazebo. - What?
A gazebo that's been there for 100 years, and they want to move it.
Who moves a gazebo?
What kind of twisted mind even thinks about moving a gazebo?
- Okay. I'll take care of this. - She's so excited.
She's brainwashed. She's Patricia Hearst and my mother is the SLA.
- I just hope it's not too late. - I hope so, too.
- Watch the shirt. - Cork it.
MISS PATTY: It seems the right thing to do. TAYLOR: I concur.
When one gazes at Stars Hollow...
one can easily overlook a vital component of its beauty...
and that's the humble, yet spunky twinkle light.
- Holy cow. - It doesn't get fruitier.
Harry's House of Twinkle Lights has been an
integral part of this town for 20 years...
so it's only right that we honor his retirement.
So I hereby designate next Tuesday, "Harry, the Twinkle Light Man...
"from Harry's House of Twinkle Lights" day.
That just trips off the tongue.
- Late again, are we? - Yes. I hope I'm not pregnant.
What?
- Are these seats taken? - Don't drag me into this.
You have to work on your punctuality. I banged the meeting in a half an hour ago.
Dirty.
I'm gonna take advantage of this unexpected pause in our proceedings...
to confer with Miss Patty about the next item on our agenda.
- What did we miss? - Harry's retiring.
- Twinkle Light Man? - What do we do for twinkle lights?
- Go to any discount store. - Blasphemy.
What are you doing here, anyhow?
This is a town meeting for people who participate in and care about the town.
Corky's Country Cavalcade on public access was pre-empted.
Thought I'd check out the next best thing.
I'm surprised to see you.
I haven't been able to get any of the war re-enactors on the phone...
and I have to confirm them for Louie's funeral.
The last order of business is a matter relating personally to me.
- So I'm going to give Miss Patty my gavel. - Again. Dirty.
Stop that. Now, don't go power mad.
All right. Gee.
Now...
The chair recognizes Taylor Doose. Taylor, you have the floor.
Thank you, Patty.
My issue, ladies and gentlemen, is in the form of a grievance...
against this hirsute hippie who opened a produce stand in the park.
- Oh, yeah. Killer veggies. - Tasty.
- His squash is beautiful. - Sexy. It's sexy squash.
Sexy or not, I demand that this man produce his permit posthaste.
Got it right here.
Just what I thought. This is not the proper permit for this kind of business.
This is a Type 24B. Otherwise known as a Cart, Kiosk, Cart/Kiosk permit.
- This is not valid for your business. - Why does it say it twice?
You said, "Cart, kiosk, cart, kiosk."
- It's repetitive. - And redundant.
- We certainly are entertaining, Mac. - Indubitably, Tosh.
It's not redundant. It's three separate things.
It's a cart, a kiosk, and a mechanical hybrid...
referred to as a cart/kiosk.
Hence, cart, kiosk, cart/kiosk.
He did it again.
He's been stressed lately. His store is deserted.
I'll make it simple:
This is for businesses that roll in in the morning and roll out at night.
Emphasis on the word "roll."
Rolling businesses. Businesses that roll.
But I carry my tables out at night.
You're supposed to roll them, Rapunzel, and carrying isn't rolling, is it?
I mean, did anyone hear the word "rolling" come out of his mouth?
Check the transcript. You'll find one word missing: rolling.
- Transcript? - Taylor, this isn't Charlie Rose.
He's losing his marbles.
- It's just a personal vendetta. - His store is deserted.
- I think we should end the meeting here. - Wait a second. Wait a second.
You, there, when Lady Godiva here wanted to be town troubadour over you...
I stood by your side. Why aren't you backing me now?
'Cause you left me twisting for a long time before you did, and it didn't feel good.
I wrote a song about the experience.
I heard it. It's called Taylor Left Me Twisting.
- It's really good. - You think?
'Cause I'm having trouble with the chorus.
Taylor left me twisting He set my eyes a-misting
I'm not sure if it has that thing, though.
No, I love that part.
I actually thought that maybe at the end, you could do more about the sweater.
We'll talk.
I'm gonna wrap this up.
Patty, how would you feel if this guy decided to open...
the Longhaired Freak School of Dance? Or the Longhaired Freak Diner, Luke?
Or the Longhaired Freak Bookstore? It's not good, right?
Everybody who agrees that we would not feel good about that, say aye.
Aye.
- Meeting adjourned. Good night. - Another fun one!
LUKE: Taylor, hold on a sec.
Don't you have some cleaning up to do over at the diner?
Guys, come on. You heard me calling you. Stop.
- What is it, Luke? - My uncle Louie's funeral's tomorrow.
I haven't heard from any of you.
He was a World War ll veteran, and that's what you re-enactor freaks do...
you go to vets' funerals. So you're gonna be there, right? Hello?
- You said you were gonna talk to him. - Burt said he was gonna do it.
- It's Taylor's job. - You always pass the buck.
- Talk to me about what? - You might as well know.
- We don't want to go to Louie's funeral. - What?
- We all hated Louie. - That's not true.
He always had a scowl on his face, not a kind word for anybody.
He would light those hideous cigars, blow smoke in people's faces...
and then spit after each puff.
- He was disgusting. - He kicked my dog when I was a kid.
- He hit on my wife repeatedly. - Toto was always different after that.
My wife was much affected as well.
I'd toss her something to fetch. She'd run after it and then forget about it.
- She stopped enjoying her soap operas. - She'd just lie down and go to sleep.
- This is an exaggeration. - We're not exaggerating.
We threw a big party when he left town.
I made love to my wife that night like I never have.
My Toto barked a happy bark, then quietly stopped breathing. She was old.
- I don't believe this. - You knew the guy.
This man was my uncle, and a war veteran.
He deserves a veteran's funeral. But, if you guys are too lazy to show up...
He's the lazy one. Never once did he participate in a town function.
When we re-enactors gathered, he'd throw things at us.
- And not soft things. Hard things. - Rocks and small tools.
I've heard enough.
And he got meaner as he got older. Never married, never had kids.
- A real loner. - To hell with you guys. Who needs you?
I might throw rocks and small tools myself next time I see you.
- A defensive hothead just like Louie. - Practically clones.
Oh, my god. This is so high tech.
What's going on?
I'm downloading wedding stuff from Prague.
- You're kidding. - It's streaming in right now.
That's Internet talk. Streaming. Did you know that?
It's not called Czechoslovakia anymore. Just Czech Republic.
Slovakia is its own separate thing. It's weird, isn't it?
Like saying there's no more Connecticut. It's just "Connec" and "Ticut."
- What are you downloading from Prague? - This will much amuse you.
- Color samples for the big ceramic stands. - Stands for what?
- For the giant papier-mâché mushrooms. - What are the mushrooms for?
For the midgets dressed like angels to dance under, silly.
Oh, my God.
Emily found the best papier-mâché mushroom maker in Paris.
He's much better than the guy in Belgium. What a hack.
I need you to stop staring at the screen. We need to talk.
Please don't talk her out of these things.
I do not want to die without seeing midgets dancing with mushrooms.
- Stay out of this. - You're no fun.
What is it, honey?
The danger of Emily-world is that you don't always know you're in it...
- when actually you are. - Not this Emily-world stuff again.
Have you run the numbers on any of this? What is this costing you?
I don't know the full cost, but your mother is getting me 50% off of everything.
- She is so connected. - But 50% off a load of money...
is still half a load of money. You don't have that to spend.
- If I scrimp, I can afford a quarter load. - That's still too much.
- Your mother said she'd chip in a little. - That is way inappropriate.
I didn't take her up on it, but it was nice.
This isn't you: the midgets, mushrooms, and God knows what else.
- And it isn't Jackson either. - What do you mean?
- We talked. - You and Jackson talked?
I'm sorry, but he came to me all upset. And I love both of you...
and it just seemed like it was time for me to meddle.
- He was upset? - He was pretty upset.
- Why didn't he just talk to me? - Because he's Jackson.
He wants you to be happy and to give you everything you want.
So what it comes down to is, is this what you want?
Well...
Maybe the midgets are a little over the top and the mushrooms...
Oh, my God. It's all sounding so silly now.
- You're coming out of it. Keep going. - No, it's not what I want.
We were supposed to keep this nice and simple. God, we had it all worked out.
- So go back. - I will go back.
That is if Jackson still wants to marry me.
Of course he still wants to.
I'm gonna call him and tell him it's all changing back.
Good.
I should call and cancel some stuff first. I've got to call Belgium, Oslo...
- Copenhagen, Bora Bora. - What did you order from there?
- I'm gonna shield you from that one. - Thanks.
Hello. Luke.
Slow down.
Okay, I'll come right over. I got to go.
[Sighing] Call and... Welcome back, friend.
Thanks.
I'm gonna start with Hong Kong. Hope those acrobats can get another gig.
- There you are. - It won't close.
- What? - The lid.
Hello, Louie.
- That's Louie. - Nice tan.
- Now you say the lid won't close? - Yes. The lid won't close.
- Did you buy the right size? - Of course I bought the right size.
It's the model we recommend for those of medium height and weight.
- And he's of medium height and weight. - Why won't it close?
Because of the stuff. He left a list of stuff he wanted buried with him.
- It's not uncommon. - It's a very long list.
Fishing reel, bowling trophy, a flask, his antique dueling pistols...
his copy of Sherman's memoirs.
- Is all the stuff in there now? - Yes, it is.
I shoved it in the best I could, but it won't close...
which defeats the purpose of having a damn casket in the first place.
- May I? - Give it a shot.
The football signed by Johnny Unitas gives it that bounce.
What if we move the gas mask and pith helmet down towards the feet?
That end already has every baseball card he ever bought, thousands of them.
Bungee cord. No.
What if we got some people from the office here...
to sit on the lid and we could latch it? Do you have anybody you could spring?
- I'm out of ideas. - So am I.
You know what? To hell with this. To hell with this.
- I can't deal with this anymore. - It has to be dealt with.
It doesn't. It's not as if he deserves my help or my respect.
- The man was your uncle. - He was a jerk!
- Don't say that. - Taylor and the guys were right.
I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad...
but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life.
He's even selfish in death.
Other people would have loved to have those baseball cards.
I would have loved to have had those cards.
He's got Lou Gehrig's rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others.
But, no. My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him.
- Sir, your voice. - I'm done. I've had it.
From now on, it's just the bare minimum and that's it.
Dig a big hole and just dump the casket in unlatched.
If stuff falls out, fine. Pile on enough dirt and make sure nothing's showing.
I'm assuming that wouldn't be appropriate, either.
- No. - I didn't think so.
Young man, where's the young lady we heard so much about...
who's using those delightful old diner phrases to place people's orders?
It sounds so fun. Could you point her out for us?
No.
That's to everyone. I'll be upstairs.
Thanks for doing the very least you could possibly do.
You're welcome.
- There you are. I was worried. - Sorry, I should have called.
Thanks for covering again. This'll be the last time. I promise.
It's okay. Where were you?
First, I walked around a bunch trying to clear my head.
- Saw a lot of Hartford. What a cesspool. - You're not a city man.
I calmed down and figured dumping Louie's body in an open grave...
with all his stuff probably would be a little cold.
A tad.
I got a yellow pages and found a big-and-tall casket shop in Hartford.
- You're kidding. - Nope.
I found a casket for my 160-pound uncle and his 140 pounds of stuff.
Got the lid to shut the first time we tried. So the funeral's on as scheduled.
- Good. - I don't know why I'm doing this.
- For your dad. - I guess, although he's dead...
so he'd never know if I was doing it any different.
He knows.
He's got the big Luke picture screen on 24 hours a day, he watches and smiles.
And you're doing it 'cause you're you.
I'm gonna change, then you can retire from your diner career forever.
No, it's fun. I came up with some new diner phrases.
- You know what a "lucky duck cluck" is? - No.
It's foie gras with chicken and green shamrock frosting.
- Why would anyone order that? - If they're high.
- Good grief. - What?
Bad vibe sandwich just came in. You better retreat.
I won't be long.
- Hi, Mom. - Since when do you work here?
I'm just lending a hand. What's going on?
I went by the inn to work with Sookie on her wedding.
Yeah?
- And she fired me. - She didn't fire you.
She's changed her mind on all the things we planned.
- Maybe she did. - No, she didn't.
I know what's behind this. That is, who's behind this.
It was getting to be too much for her and her fiancé.
- I knew it. - These are not wealthy people.
Do you understand that? They're saving for a home...
and your midgets were dancing between them and their dreams.
- You say "midgets" like it's so absurd. - Do you hear yourself?
I don't see what was wrong with my helping Sookie plan her wedding.
- Mom, come on. - What?
- You weren't planning Sookie's wedding. - Whose wedding was I planning?
- Mine. - Don't be ridiculous.
Your vision for this wedding and all the over-the-top stuff...
like flowers, bunting, champagne fountain, and the haute-couture dress.
Who's wearing that wedding dress in your mind's eye, Mom? Sookie? Or me?
- I wasn't planning your wedding, Lorelai. - Right.
The wedding I was planning was for Sookie.
The mushrooms and colors, they all seemed like fun, a little crazy...
just like she is. It definitely was not for you.
Okay, Mom.
I know that you'd never let me plan your wedding.
I gave up on that dream a long time ago.
Yours was going to be a Russian winter theme, the Romanovs.
- Before the firing squad, I assume? - Snow-white roses...
trees with white lights and candles. Snow everywhere.
You arriving in a silver sleigh with white horses.
Wow.
- You hate the idea. - No, I just...
You just hate it.
- It just doesn't seem like me. - It would have been beautiful.
I'm sure it would have been.
It's obvious that wouldn't be appropriate anymore...
being as I'm probably standing in your reception hall.
- Excuse me? - Burgers and fries for the dinner...
the bride walks down the aisle with a ketchup dispenser in her hand.
- Tell me what you're talking about. - I'm talking about Luke.
Luke? Mom!
- It's obvious, Lorelai. - No, it's not, Mom.
- You're with him constantly. - He feeds me.
- You bring up his name constantly. - Once again, he feeds me.
- The moment he calls, you run to his side. - He's my friend. He needed me.
- I had to be there. - I know you did.
- Hi. - Hello.
I have to go. I'll see you for dinner tonight.
And Luke, I'm sure I'll see you again soon.
- What do you think of the Romanovs? - They probably had it coming.
A match made in heaven.
REVEREND: We're here to honor Louie, to pay our respects...
and to bid him a sorrowful goodbye.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- I'm not big on funerals in general. - Nobody is.
He passed away in his sleep, so the end came peacefully for Louie...
which I'm sure is a great comfort to all who knew him.
The passing-away part was a great comfort for all who knew him.
- I didn't know him. - Good thing.
But I understand he was a fine man, destined to be missed by many.
- Especially the ones that were suing him. - Stop. Sorry, Father.
- Reverend. - Right.
Now let us witness Louie Danes as he is interred and brought to the Lord.
It was a nice and intimate service.
I guess everybody deserves something at the end.
- Thanks for coming. - I wouldn't have missed it.
That ain't me, is it?
What are you talking about?
What Taylor said about me being like Louie:
a loner, never being married and stuff? I'm getting crankier as I get older.
- He's not so far off. - You are not your uncle.
I mean...
Would Louie ever build someone a huppah or help fix things around...
someone's house without being asked, or make a special coffee cake...
- with balloons for a girl's 16th birthday? - Rory told you about that?
Yes. Would Louie have taken in his sister's
kid without asking for anything in return?
No one would've trusted Louie with their kid.
He probably would have forgotten to feed him.
- You get my point. - Yeah, I get it.
[Drum beating]
What's that?
- Is that Andrew? - I believe it is.
Left, right, left.
That's all of them.
Company halt.
Company salute!
Thanks.
- It's what your dad wanted. - Yeah.
And Louie would have hated this.
That's just a fringe benefit.
Present arms!
[Discordant trumpeting]
Do you think he's in heaven?
I hope so, just so my dad can kick his butt around the place.
- Can you kick in heaven? - It's probably frowned upon.
Yeah, plus you're all see-through and gauzy.
- Dad's foot could go right through him. - This is a silly conversation.
- What's all this? - I have no idea.
Hi!
- What's going on? - It's kind of like a wake.
- A wake? - For Louie?
- I thought you set it up. - I didn't set it up.
It's going well. People brought a ton of food, if you guys are hungry.
- This is unexpected. - Very.
- Don't you have wakes for people you like? - Think it might be for you.
- Am I dead? - Face it. People like you.
- Shut up. - How can they resist charm like that?
Hey, Taylor. Cool threads. Very "One if by land."
[Taylor grunts]
- I see you're digging into the vegetables. - Thanks for the play-by-play.
Brought those myself.
How was the funeral?
Shouldn't you be tending to your little stand out there, friend?
- The stand's gone. - What?
- I'm all packed up. I'm out of here. - I don't get it.
I grow this stuff in my backyard, and as of yesterday, sold it all.
- You sold it all? - Sold it all.
Made enough money to do some traveling. Have you been to Israel?
Turbulent, but I thought I'd go down and try and plant some peace down there.
- See if it grows, see if it spreads. - Shut up.
Why did you put me through all that hoo-ha at the town meeting...
if your vegetable business was just temporary?
You put yourself through it, Taylor. You put yourself through it.
- Nice spread. - People have too much free time here.
- You did a good thing. - What do you mean?
- I thought my mom set this up. She didn't. - So? It wasn't me.
- It wasn't? - No, no way.
- It wasn't me. - If you say so.
The crazy ballet teacher asked when Luke was getting back from the funeral...
if I could unlock the door. I did and went back to sleep.
- So you did do a little something. - I unlocked the door.
So people could come in here and put this together. Nice.
- Nice for them, not for me. - You facilitated it.
You made it happen. So you're officially part of our town now.
- Wait a minute. - Welcome.
I'm not part of this town.
See you for some tree planting at the Arbor Day festival.
Maybe I can knock over a liquor store while everyone's planting trees.
As long as it's a liquor store in town.
It's Halloween, and we're lucky Louie doesn't have razor wire around his yard.
Finally, one of the kids gets courageous and goes sauntering up to the door.
He goes, "Trick or treat!"
Louie throws the door open and says, "Did you get a Reese's cup tonight?"
The kid looks in his bag and says, "Yes, sir, I did."
Louie grabs it, says "Thank you," and slams the door in his face.
- I'm sorry I never met him. - He was colorful.
I never trick-or-treated again.
One day I'm at the post office in line when Louie just about knocks me over.
He cuts in line. I said, "Louie, there's a line!"
He says, "Kiss my butt." I said, "You mind your manners."
He says, "Please kiss my butt," and drops his pants.
I got one. Louie was parked outside AI's Pancake World...
and I was trying to pull in the space behind him.
All of a sudden, he starts to back up. I honked my horn...