- This is sublime. - It was the golden age of television.
The music, the costumes, the sets.
All cylinders were firing on this one, boy!
Who knew that they all had such musical talent?
And such far-out booty-shaking abilities as well.
- Mail, ladies. - Thanks, Eddie.
Did you see that TV Guide had this on their list...
of the worst 50 shows of all time?
- I know! Who are they to judge? - I know, it's on my top 50 best.
Yeah, right after Holmes and Yoyo and Hee Haw Honeys.
Get back here, they're in clown suits and headed for the pool.
- Oh, my God! - Honey, come here.
- It's here. - What's here?
- My application to Harvard. - Oh, my God!
- It's beautiful. - Impressive letter "H."
Yeah, it's so...
Very.
- Can I hold it? - Be careful.
- It's heavy with importance. - I feel dizzy.
Are you sure it's not the sight of Robert Reed in the clown pants?
Let the record show that when my application to Harvard arrived...
we were watching The Brady Bunch Variety Hour.
- Do you lose points for that? - I hope not.
This morning I was reading Dead Souls. It couldn't have come then.
We'll tell people that's what you were doing...
and that I was studying a big globe. They'll never know.
- You can keep a secret? - No, but there's always a first.
Dead Souls and a really big globe. Deal!
Kayaks!
Come on, I wanna get started.
Hold your horses there little Miss Horsey Holder.
They're going to expect a higher level of wit at Harvard.
- Watch that drink! - I'm nowhere near it.
Well, keep it that way. This is an uncontaminated area.
I even cleaned the table using something other than...
the sleeve of my sweater and spit.
I love the image. I'll be careful.
Here we go. First question.
- Oh, my God! - What?
"What were you doing when you received this application...
- "counts for 50% of your eligibility." - Stop.
- I need help. - With what?
She's writing her "Drummer Seeks Rock Band" ad.
It's not reading right to me. Could you guys look it over?
"Drummer with strong beat seeks band into The Accelerators..."
"The Adolescents, The Adverts, Agent Orange..."
"The Angelic Upstarts, The Agnostic Front, Ash."
- You went alphabetically. - It seemed tidy.
- And a little OCD. - A little long.
I can't make cuts.
It's three pages, single-spaced. Make cuts.
This is the cut-down version. Just from the letter "A"...
I excluded AC/DC, The Animals, and A-Ha, footnoted as a guilty pleasure.
If we can't get through it, no one can.
Okay, I'll try to make cuts, but no guarantees.
Okay, "Personal information: State your full name."
- Better not get that one wrong. - I'll try.
- "And nickname, if any." - That would be "Rory."
- Or "Droopy Drawers." - That was never my nickname.
- Wrong, I called you that as a baby. - What?
That's right. You had these little Oshkosh cords.
They were way too big, once they fell down to your knees...
and I said, "Whoa there, droopy drawers."
I'm afraid that if we don't answer everything accurately...
the Harvard police will hit you with an atlas...
and say something mean in Latin.
How would they know you called me that?
Well, we could be at a Harvard event, and I could slip up and say...
"Pass me a lobster puff, Droopy Drawers."
They'll hear me, and that'll be that.
How about you don't drink at any of these Harvard events?
Okay, "Parental information: Mother."
- Breathtaking. - I think they just want your name.
"Father." Ostracized.
- "Personal statement." - The essay, the big kahuna.
"Evaluate a significant experience that's had an impact on you."
How about that time your drawers dropped?
Enough with the drawers.
"Or write about a person who's had a significant influence on you."
- You? - Or one of your authors. Faulkner...
- Or Sylvia Plath? - Might send the wrong message.
The "sticking her head in the oven" thing?
She did make her kids a snack first. Shows a certain maternal instinct.
Okay, I just crunched the numbers and at 2,000 words...
and 25 cents a word, this stupid ad's gonna cost $500!
That's five months of Minwax-ing at my mom's store.
- I give up. - No, don't give up.
Just cut down your influences to the important ones.
- Like David Bowie. - Gotta have Bowie.
But do you have to list every album he recorded...
- plus your personal rating? - Maybe not.
What's with Jackson Browne making the list?
Cool people know he's more than a hippie-dippie folkie...
that he actually wrote some of Nico's best songs and was her lover...
before he bored us with Doctor My Eyes.
That will separate the posers from the non-posers.
- Wax on, wax off. - I hate this.
"What activities interest you?"
- All of them except sports. - I thought you were the lacrosse kid.
Mom, a modicum of seriousness as we do this would be much appreciated.
So circle all of them except sports.
They want a picture.
How about the one of us sticking our heads through the carved-out holes...
of Johnny Bravo and SpongeBob SquarePants?
There's the seriousness I crave.
I'm going to have to crank the Ramones if I have to make deep cuts!
- We'll move outside. - The outside's contaminated!
Thank you.
Do they let kids drink coffee before school?
Do you think it might lead to harder stuff?
- Lattes, cappuccinos? - Forget I asked.
- What are you doing Saturday? - Just my usual chores.
- Your usual chores, John-Boy? - What else do you call "house jobs"?
I call them "the stuff you avoid..."
"Until the Environmental Protection Agency steps in."
- Why do you ask? - I thought we could see a movie.
- You're not free. - How do you know?
You'll be working on your application.
- No, I'm not. - Really?
It's not due for weeks, and I already picked my essay topic.
- Which is? - Hillary Clinton.
- Sounds perfect. - I know.
She's so smart and tough...
and nobody thought she could win New York, but she did.
She's doing amazing. Have you heard her speak?
Only when you've played me the thousands of hours...
of C-Span footage you taped.
She's a great speaker. Strong and persuasive with a wonderful presence...
even those suits of hers are getting better.
I'd include that in the essay.
Anyhow, now that I have Hillary, all I need is a date for Saturday.
- Suggestions? - You're on.
Great. There's my bus. Sip.
Kiss.
- And bye. - Bye.
- Fast runner. - It's the coffee.
- Not your face? - Excuse me?
Sorry, just missed my youth for a second. I'm back. Coffee?
Everyone always says that. This is my speaking voice.
This is its natural volume. Fine!
- Shortsighted morons. - What now, Paris?
We went to all this trouble to set up this stupid seminar...
I say "we," but I did most of the work...
and Mr. Hunter won't let me do it my way.
The panelists are up there.
We sit there and ask questions. What's the problem?
It's boring and predictable and dumb to death.
- I wanted Charlie Rose. - To ask the questions?
His style. I wanted a round table with black backdrops.
The audience wouldn't be able to see us.
I was working with the losers in the AV club...
to project it on a giant video screen.
Mr. Hunter said, "This isn't the Beatles at Shea Stadium."
Nice anachronism. Like they had video screens in '63.
His references are as topical as his suits.
Can I have your attention, we can get the seminar started.
I'd like to bring up the organizers of this event...
Paris Gellar and Rory Gilmore.
Thank you, Mr. Hunter.
Everybody, this is a seminar called "The Business of Getting In."
Its goal is to help guide us through the tortuous process...
of applying to and getting into the right college.
My panelists are Jim Romaine...
Admissions Officer at Princeton University...
and Ivy League college consultant, Rose Samuels.
- Welcome, panel. - Yes, welcome.
Now, panel, you're addressing a group of kids...
just beginning the stressful process of applying to college.
Question.
What is the biggest mistake a person can make on his or her application?
Mr. Romaine?
Forgetting to send it in would be the worst mistake.
But perfunctory answers would be high on my list.
Explain.
I'm talking about run-of-the-mill responses...
a lack of originality, particularly in the essay category.
If I read one more piece of prose about Hillary Clinton...
and her profound influence, my head will explode.
I hear that. Sometimes a mistake like that comes from writing...
what one thinks an admission officer wants to read.
Big mistake.
Sometimes it's a lack of original thought.
Just as big a mistake.
Personal anecdote.
When I was 12, and I was writing the first of my trial essays...
in practice for the day I'd write my real essay, I chose Hillary Clinton.
I realized every brain-dead bint in a skirt would be writing about Hillary...
but it was good to clear the pipes.
Now, what are some other mistakes?
Small thing, but if your printing is bad, that says something we don't like.
If your extracurriculars and volunteer activities are too by the book...
that says something we don't like.
Yes, those activities should have a personality behind them...
a focus, a direction.
I've seen applications where students have circled every activity listed.
Again, you're trying too hard here. One can't be interested in everything.
They're the ones that've had college paraphernalia...
on their walls their whole lives.
- Too hungry. It's a little immature. - Interesting.
Rory, do you want to ask a question?
- No. - What?
- No. Thank you. - Okay.
So, how early should a student get an application in?
By the due date. Earlier makes no difference.
It's a myth that there's a benefit to be derived from early admission.
I do think it's important to talk about the interview process.
I believe it's an opportunity to weed out the hyper-intense candidate.
She's meeting you here?
Yeah, she had a thing after school, a rumble or something.
- A rumble? - A bunch of kids meet in an alley...
they pirouette, they pull knives. It's a whole to-do.
So she's meeting you here?
Yes, she's meeting us here.
- Where's Dad? - The magazines.
That was weird and unresponsive.
These are college issues of various magazines.
I've been collecting them for a couple of months now.
Rory's probably seen all those, but thanks, anyway.
- Have you read these? - No.
You should. I've unearthed some shocking statistics.
Do you have any idea how hot the competition is...
to get into a school like Harvard?
It's very hot, it's one of the top schools in the country.
In the world! People from China, Russia, India.
Children from every country apply to Harvard.
There's more competition than ever before.
Really, Mom, I know all this.
With the dot com bust and the job market dwindling...
and the stock market going up and down like a yo-yo...
everyone knows the best chance for success and financial security...
is not just to go to college, but to go to a top college.
Thank you. Appreciate the info.
Every child that applies has the same high grade point average.
They've taken the same AP classes, and all are on the student council.
They're not all that identical.
One admissions officer said that...
he puts a random stack of applications...
in the "yes" pile and the rest in the "no" pile...
because he knows it doesn't make any difference.
He doesn't even glance at them.
That does not sound real.
Now it's the in thing for young Hollywood celebrities...
to go to universities.
What do they call themselves? "The brat pack"?
About 100 years ago.
They get into wherever they want based on name recognition.
I was watching TV, and that insipid Kate Hudson...
was talking about going to a university.
If she decides to go to Harvard, she'll get right in over Rory...
who we know is more qualified.
How about a drink? You want one? 'Cause I sure do.
Lorelai, hold on here. What are we going to do about this?
Mom, there is no "we." It's "me." Me and Rory. That's the "we."
I appreciate your concern and your prodigious research...
but it's all gonna be fine. Rory's special.
You know that and I know that...
but those idiots at Harvard may not necessarily know that.
RORY: Hello? LORELAI: We're in here, honey, and hurry!
- Hi, Grandma. - Hello, Rory. You look flushed.
I ran from the bus stop. I'm okay.
I've been trying to call you. Can I talk to you for a second?
- Is something wrong? - No.
I just need talk to Mom about something.
Okay. We'll be back.
- I'm not getting into Harvard. - What? Who says?
I'm completely unprepared, and I have no original thoughts.
Don't blame yourself, it not you. It's those jerks at Harvard. I hate them.
It doesn't matter how qualified you are.
Those lazy-ass admissions officers take applications...
and stick it in the "yes" and "no" piles without glancing at them.
It won't matter because my Hillary Clinton essay...
will be just like every other girl's essay...
because apparently, that's all we can think of. I'm a hack.
Is it true everyone has the same GPA? How is that possible?
Because we all take the same classes...
and we all give the same perfunctory responses...
and I'm interested in too many things.
I'll have to limit them. I'll circle travel.
From now on, that's what I'm interested in.
No, don't do that...
because all those people coming from China and India...
are nuts for traveling. That's why they're traveling here.
And jobs are dropping and dot com bombing...
and something's acting like a yo-yo. It's not good.
And over my dead body is Kate Hudson getting your spot.
- Mom, you're freaking out! - Yes, I'm freaking out!
You can't freak out. I'm freaking out!
[Cell phone ringing]
What did Romaine mean about weeding out the hyper-intense?
He stopped just short of calling me by name.
Not now.
I tried to throw the questioning over to you...
because I was about to heave, and you left me hanging.
- Talk to you tomorrow. - Wait!
Okay, we gotta calm down here.
- So, set an example. - I'm human, too.
My forehead is burning up.
My heart is beating so fast.
- Okay, let's take a breath. - Okay.
- This freaking out is not good. - It sucks!
If others can do this, we can do this!
- I'm not so sure anymore. - That is unacceptable.
- I don't want to accept it. - Then we won't!
- What do we do? - I don't know!
- We definitely need some perspective. - I think we need therapy.
And booze for those of us over 21.
Okay, are we calming? Are we less freaked?
- I'm totally freaked out. - Hide it!
- I can't hide it. - Then prepare yourself...
for an evening of magazine recitations by Emily "DJ Doommeister" Gilmore.
I'll hide it.
[Phone ringing]
Hello?
No. Lane should be here any minute. Is this about the ad?
Give me your number, and she'll call you back.
Okay, then, what's the number of the dude...
whose couch you're sleeping on?
Dude doesn't have a phone? Try back later, dude. Thanks.
Rory, are you up? If not, get up!
And where's Lane? She's supposed to be fielding these.
Hello? No, she's not. May I take a message?
Wait a minute. Here she is. Hold on.
- Sorry. - It's okay.
This is Lane.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What's up? - I didn't sleep so well.
- Poor thing. - I'm fine. I'm just a little bummed.
No, wait, progressive rock is a really passé style now...
but I listed it as an influence because it was a progenitor...
of great things that came afterwards.
I contend that you could draw a straight line from Yes to Jethro Tull...
to The Jam to Nirvana. Bing, bam, boom.
Who are The Jam?
That's disturbing.
Maybe instead of going to college...
you should drop out, and I could quit my job...
and we could form an all-girl band with Lane...
you know, like Bananarama?
We could call it Tangerinarama...
or Banana-fana-fo-fana-Rama or something.
I'm just kidding. You gotta go to college.
I'm up for anything at this point. I gotta go. I'll see you later.
- Feel better, okay? - I will.
You are not telling me that you did not know...
that Kim Deal was in the Pixies before the Breeders!
I refuse to accept that.
These kids have no sense of history!
- Tom, what's up? - Nothing much.
Get me a ham on rye, mustard, no mayo.
- You got it. - Hi.
- You got money? - Yes, sir.
- What can I get you? - Let's see...
- how about a nice cold egg cream? - A what cream?
- An egg cream. A cold one. - What is that?
- Like milk and soda water with flavoring. - You're asking me?
- Cold. - I heard that.
- We used to get them at Coney Island. - Go to Coney Island, kid.
Sir, can I get something?
- You got money? What do you want? - Yeah.
- A black cow. - Now, come on!
- It's just root beer and ice cream. - I can do that.
If the ice cream's made the old-fashioned way, on the premises.
- Now, wait a second. - Luke, can you whip me up something?
- What, Kirk? - A chocolate phosphate.
What the hell is this? Why do you want a phosphate?
Because nothing says refreshment like a phosphate.
- Is Taylor behind this? - I'm not at liberty to say.
Then you tell me, and if you lie, you'll go to hell.
- He didn't say you'd get mad. - Come on!
- What is this? - That's my question.
- What's going on? - I have no idea.
They're asking for phosphates, egg creams, black cows...
and they already gave you up, so tell me what's going on.
- Who finked him? - Him.
- Snitch. - You did.
It's not the kid's fault. What is this about?
You are so closed-minded to new things, Luke...
that I decided to make an admittedly desperate attempt...
to convince you of the need for something that I think is a terrific idea.
Which is?
An old-fashioned, turn-of-the-century soda shop.
It's just the kind of wholesome hang today's teens need...
to keep them off the streets.
And our streets are so wild and out of control.
If you ask me, yes, and I have proof.
What are these?
Surveillance photos of town goings-on...
the dark side of Stars Hollow, not a pretty picture.
These are kids on skateboards.
Slaloming around pop bottles right down the middle of the street.
If we don't quick furnish these skateboarding Z-boys...
with a moral distraction...
they're going to turn Stars Hollow into Dogtown!
- This is the space next to the diner. - I know.
- I own the space next to the diner. - I know.
You want to open up the soda shop there?
- It's the only one that's appropriate. - Taylor, no!
And every day, from now on till the end of my life...
I am going to come in here and say, "Taylor, no."
When I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams...
and when they find the cure to what I died of and unfreeze me...
my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" Followed closely by, "Taylor, no!"
- But the space is empty. - Not for long!
- What are your plans for it? - A skateboard and pop-bottle shop.
- That's not funny. - With in-house experts...
to teach the craft of street slaloming.
- Still not funny. - I'm not in a very funny mood!
Are you taking applications for jobs at your skateboard and bottle shop?
I'm interviewing people today.
Shall I go home and change or will casual suffice?
- I like the "going home" part. - I don't understand.
- Hey. - Hey.
Guess who I actually had a very productive conversation with today?
- Headmaster Charleston. - You're kidding.
No. I think we came up with a solution to our application anxiety.
- Wanna hear it? - I guess.
We spent the first 10 minutes on him bugging me to volunteer...
for more stuff at school, or in lieu of that to make a donation...
and then another couple of minutes of me convincing him...
that what sounded like me going, "Hah! "...
was really me clearing my throat...
but after that, we had a very pleasant productive conversation.
He suggested setting up a meeting...
with a Harvard graduate, like a dinner or something.
He gave me the number of someone he knows.
- An alumni dinner? - Yes, exactly.
- Do they do that? - According to him, it's done all the time.
It would be an opportunity to talk with someone...
who's been through it all and did it successfully.
You can ask questions, get some perspective. It seems perfect.
Sounds a little weird.
A little, but I'll go with you, and what's the worst that can happen?
We're bored and we blow a meal...
but if this person can help, then that's a good thing.
I do have some questions. A lot of questions.
- Let's call him. - Now?
Yes, there's no time like the present. Come on.
His name is Darren Springsteen of Westport, Connecticut...
Harvard class of '74.
- Ask if he has a brother named Bruce. - I'm not gonna ask him that.
It's ringing.
- Why'd you hang up? - I'm not good at these things!
- Did he answer? - Yes.
Yes! Rory, that's a really terrible first impression!
[Telephone ringing]
- Him? - Maybe.
He star-69'd us?
The Harvard people can afford all the latest technology.
Answer.
[On answering machine] You've reached Suffragette City.
If you're calling about Lane Kim's ad, we're not in.
But don't commit Rock 'n' Roll Suicide, just crank a message at the feedback.
Jeez.
If he is related to Bruce, he could dig it.
My name's Dave Rygalski. I'm calling about the ad.
I left my number before. Call when you get a chance.
GIRL: Where's my... DAVE: Relax, I'm coming.
- Let's try this again. - Can we just do this later?
No, let's get it done now.
- It's ringing. - Let's do it later.
- It's ringing! - I'm gonna say the wrong thing...
or have the wrong tone. I'm not in good first-impression mode right now.
- Mom! - Hello.
Hello, this is Rory Gilmore. I believe you were expecting my call.
This is such a wonderful opportunity for me.
Whatever's good for you would be great for me.
- Not so breathy. - That's how chickens talk!
Lunch? Yes. Let me just check my organizer.
Perfect. My mother will be there, too. She's terrific.
All right, I'll see you this weekend. Bye.
- You're no Danny Gans. - I never claimed to be.
He'll be expecting Chilton High School senior Trixie McBimbo.
And her mother, Bambi McBimbo.
- I guess it can't hurt, right? - It can only help.
Look, if it's a total bust, we'll grab a pole...
and Trixie and Bambi will take it on the road.
That's something to put on your application.
- Thanks, Mom. - Bye, Trixie.
LORELAI: So alumna is a girl graduate. RORY: Right.
LORELAI: And alumnus is a man. RORY: Singular.
So an unmarried man?
No, not, not married. He can be married or single.
All "alumnus" means is one man, singular as opposed to many men, plural.
- And plural is alumni. - And that can be girls and guys.
- Kinky. - Not kinky, just what it is.
You're no fun when you're nervous.
Because you and I usually have so much fun with Latin.
What do we call this guy? Alumnus Darren...
like you'd say Farmer John or The Butcher Lazar Wolf?
Hello.
- I'm Lorelai Gilmore. - Darren Springsteen. Nice to meet you.
And this must be the reason we're all here.
Yes. Hello. I hope we're not putting you out.
Putting us out? Today you are the Springsteen family's raison d'être.
Come in.
- Was your drive long? - Not too.
Stars Hollow is charming.
The last time we drove through there, there was a pumpkin patch.
- Sounds like us. - In March.
The year the pumpkins arrived late.
Sounds like a Dr. Seuss book. You came bearing gifts?
What? This. No, this is not a gift.
These are my records, grades, SATs.
Rory in a bag. You add water, and her brilliance springs out.
Why don't I glance at this some other time?
Today, why don't we just talk and get to know one another?
- Sounds good. - You're a very nice alumni.
Thanks.
- That's the plural. - Rats!
Lorelai, Rory, say hello to Marie, my wife.
Hello. So good to have you here.
- Hi. - Thank you.
How about drinks, iced tea, water?
- Iced tea's good. - Same here.
- You like art, Rory? - Very much.
Modern painting is my passion. I've got a Hockney, a Kline.
What I don't have is a Diebenkorn.
So please don't ask, "Where's the Diebenkorn?"
- You warned me just in time. - I only recently got into sculpture.
My latest acquisition, it's a Zoltan Kemeny...
very provocative. Don't you just love its audacity?
Yes, it's very audacious.
What are some of your other interests?
Pull up a comfy chair there, Darren...
because they are widespread and extensive.
I read a lot. I'm into the Russians lately.
Tolstoy? Turgenev?
Gogol's my thing right now. Dead Souls.
- One of my favorites. - You were reading that...
when we got your Harvard application, weren't you?
Yes, I was.
I saw that Harvard logo on the envelope, and I said:
"Rory, get your nose out of your Gogol and get over here!"
We have a TV somewhere, but it's more of a funny little table...
to put a cup of chai tea on, you know what I mean?
I'm afraid I don't, I watch way too many sports...
and I go to all the Harvard games.
How about you? Do you like sports?
- No. - Yes.
That is, we follow certain things.
We enjoy various aspects of certain sporting endeavors.
But it wouldn't be the kind...
that you could ask any follow-up questions on.
- It's a general interest. - Got it.
It's pretty much a waste of time, but it's how I waste my time.
I collect memorabilia, too.
I've got each year's Harvard team pennant going back to 1927.
- Lots of displayed Harvard paraphernalia. - It's all over the walls at the rec room.
- See? Lots of paraphernalia. - Watch the ribs, there.
Here are the kids. Jack, Jennifer, this is Lorelai and Rory.
- Hi, there. - It's nice to meet you.
- Likewise. - Hi.
Jack's premed at Princeton, and Jennifer's bound for Harvard, like you, Rory.
- We should talk! - Sure.
- If not today, another day, okay? - Okay.
- Do you wanna pick a time now or later? - Later's fine.
- I'll make a note in my Palm Pilot. - Cool.
- Here are your teas. - Thank you.
Darren, we should really get the chicken going.
Right, you're getting my famous chicken today.
I hope you like chicken.
- Love it. - I'll be right back.
There's some of my Harvard yearbooks, peruse them, if you like.
- We should go clean up, Jen. - Definitely.
I will see you in a jiff.
- Ew. - What?
Did they just leave to take a shower together?
- Gross. - They bounced in together, out together.
- New topic? - Can't take gritty reality?
Or slanderous postulating.
How is it they came from tennis and aren't sweating?
Maybe when you're that white, you don't sweat.
- Darren's nice. - He's very nice.
Do you think I'm making a good impression?
Great impression! He loves you.
Especially when he found out you share his love...
of various aspects of certain sporting endeavors.
You started it. We could have just told the truth.
- I was trying to humanize us. - With our funny looking chai tea table.
- Very humanizing. - Zoltan Kemeny.
What?
That artist's name, it sounds like robot language.
Zoltan Kemeny.
- Don't say it again. - Zoltan Kemeny.
- Stop, don't. - Zoltan.
I'm sorry, I'm interrupting the fun.
You're not, we were just laughing at the funny haircuts.
- I know. Aren't they a blast? - Just a sea of goofy sideburns.
Lunch will be ready in just a few minutes.
- Zoltan. - Stop!
- What a beautiful table. - Yes, you didn't have to do this.
Rory, honestly, it's our pleasure.
- Perfect timing, kids. - Excellent.
- Nice-looking lunch, Mom. - Color-coordinated.
Guests of honor, why don't you sit over there?
Thank you.
Family pictures. You have another girl, don't you?
- Yes, we do. - Where is she? What does she do?
She's not here.
- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. - No, it's all right. That's Carol.
- She's a year ahead of Rory. She's... - She's following her own path.
Right.
- Carol's doing her own thing. - Okay.
Let's eat, everybody.
Honored guests, please choose from the chicken first.
Thank you very much.
You two are gonna have to fight over the breast as you always do.
So, Lorelai, what's your alma mater?
I was too preoccupied to go to college, with weighing a couple hundred pounds...
and having feet twice my normal size and all.
I see.
But she took night classes and graduated last year.
- She has an A.A. degree in business. - That's wonderful.
In fact, it's refreshing. Might even be to Rory's benefit.
Good things didn't come to your family in one fell swoop.
- You struggled for it. - That's true.
"One fell swoop." Interesting phrase.
- Very. - Origin?
It was coined in Macbeth and derives from Middle English.
Very good, son. You know your Shakespeare, do you?
- More than most. - In which play does Falstaff appear?
That would be plays.
Henry IV, Part One and Two and The Merry Wives of Windsor.
Son, that was a different Falstaff in Henry V.
Shoot!
This is a little tradition with us, quizzes at meals.
It keeps the Springsteens sharp.
- Very Kennedy-esque. - We love the Kennedys.
As do we all.
Now, the person questioned can challenge me with a follow-up...
if he gets his question right.
- Gets pretty competitive. - If pistols are drawn, we're ducking.
- Jack, which Polish composer... - Chopin.
Patience. Became prime minister of his country?
- Paderewski? - That's right.
But your impetuousness cost you a follow-up.
Jennifer, can you give me the three subclasses of the Mesozoic era?
- Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous. - Good.
Follow-up. What preceded the Mesozoic era?
- Paleozoic. - He's good.
It's hard to stump Darren.
- Impossible, he's brilliant. - Open question.
What mythological figure has the head of a man...
the body of a lion, and the tail of a scorpion?
Here's a hint...
it's also the title of a novel by Robertson Davies.
- Manticore. - Very good, Rory!
- Yes, very good, Rory. - Yes, very good, Rory.
- More water, Lorelai? - Please, thank you.
Do you know which French city, famous for its water...
was the capital of collaborationist France?
Me?
Evian? Perrier? Le Crystal Geyser?
- Jennifer, do you wanna help Lorelai out? - Vichy.
- That's correct. - That's right. Vichy water. I knew that.
What about the year of Germany's victory in the Franco-Prussian war?
- Me again? - If you wish.
I don't know that one. I do know Istanbul is Constantinople.
"So if you've got a date in Constantinople..."
"She'll be waiting in Istanbul."
That's true.
You know, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to wash my hands.
Our fault. We rushed you in here.
Downstairs is being remodeled. You have to use upstairs. End of the hall.
- Thank you. - Hurry back.
I will.
So that painting there, wow...
the colors are so great. I can't stop staring at it.
- It's just beautiful. - It is. It's by a student of Matisse.
I think he caught the master's colors wonderfully.
Matisse. Love him.
I think only a charlatan wouldn't.
Anyone know the artistic movement Matisse championed...
and referred to as "the wild beast?"
- Fauvism. - Correct.
- Follow-up. - And then we'll go round robin.
- Coming through. - Sorry.
I just heard music.
- Cool room. - Tom Waits.
- What? - The music.
- I thought so. I love him. - I worship him.
- I even mildly stalked him once. - Really?
Last year, I heard he was staying in this hotel...
I went there every day, sat in the lobby, waiting for him to walk by.
- Did you see him? - No, never came down.
- Hand me that brush? - Here.
Stupid manager made me cover for Fiona today.
- That girl is a major pie crust. Ears? - What?
- On the chair. What time is it? - 3:00.
I'm totally late for my next job, bye-bye.
Grandma had to take another trip to the emergency room?
- Are they on straight? - I think so.
Good. Who are you?
- I'm sorry. I'm Rory Gilmore. - You're one of the Harvard-bound?
- Yeah, at least, I hope so. - Trust me, you are.
You've got that really good, straight, shiny, Harvard hair.
- Zip me up? - I'm sorry, are you Carol?
- Yeah, why? - I don't know. I just didn't expect...
- What? - You.
- Why? - I don't know.
Your parents just made it sound like...
Like I was in the Chelsea with a needle sticking out of my arm screaming, "Sid!"
- Kind of. - To them, this is pretty close.
Can I ask you what exactly you are dressing up like this for?
- Maureen Tanner's fourth birthday party. - You're kidding.
This is my fifth birthday party this week.
Great tips, all cash, and, of course, cake.
So you're a waitress and a birthday bunny and you go to school. That's amazing.
I don't go to school.
Sorry. I just assumed. I mean, your family...
My brother and sister are on that conveyor belt.
I escaped somewhere around the 11th grade, thank God.
But no offense. That's just me.
If you like being on the conveyor belt, then good for you.
- I'm not on the conveyor belt. - Okay.
I'm not. I want this.
I've dreamt of going to Harvard since I was a little girl.
A lot of 4-year-olds dream of that. It comes right after meeting Harry Potter.
I'm not gonna justify myself to someone with a tail.
You're right. I'm sorry. It's just that around here...
the Harvard brainwashing starts in the womb.
If you were to tell either of my siblings that there was another life choice...
I think their khakis would wrinkle.
- Maybe they really want it. - No.
My parents want it, and they wanna please my parents.
- Have you seen a carrot? - Don't you wanna please your parents?
Yeah, but not at the expense of finding myself.
- Or your carrot. - You gotta have your carrot.
Tell me something, Harvard Hair...
how bad do you wanna please your parents?
My mom, and really bad, but it's not hard to please her.
She's okay with anything I do. As long as I'm happy, she's good.
- You sure? - I'm very sure.
- Then you're lucky. - Yeah, I am lucky.
Quick, what are the three major Hindu deities?
I've missed four questions. One more, and I don't think I get dessert.
- Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu. - Hi, other daughter.
And I shouldn't do a gesundheit joke when I say "Vishnu"?
- Good thinking. - Okay, bye.
Wait, I'll go with you. I'm glad to have met you.
- Same here. Good luck with Harvard. - Thanks.
- What's that for? - For not putting me on the conveyor belt.
- Yes, that was very big of me. - You don't know.
Thank you so much for answering all my dumb questions.
You asked no dumb questions, and I hope my answers sufficed.
- Definitely. Bye. - Au revoir.
Thank you so much. It did a world of good for her.
- She's a very impressive young lady. - I wholeheartedly concur.
- You molded her well. - No, I didn't.
- Rory popped out that way. - You're being modest.
- You don't know me, do you? - So long.
- What did he say? - That you're godlike.
Is that all?
And his brother Bruce Springsteen would be happy to play at our next party.
- That would be swell of Bruce. - I figured your graduation party.
I'll be very popular.
TAYLOR: All in favor, say "aye." MEMBERS: Aye.
Let the record show that the funds have been approved...
to close the town bank account that holds the town funds...
in order to open a new town funds bank account...
at a different banking institution.
Young ladies, in anticipation of your tardiness...
we saved two seats for you right there in the back.
Thanks for thinking of us, Taylor.
Okay, raise your hand if you bathed in cologne.
In the interest of getting home some time tonight...
I'd like to bring up the final point of business...
and that is a certain citizen's desire...
to open an old-fashioned soda shop in town.
- Whoa. - Who's the guy?
What other putz would want to open an old-fashioned soda shop?
- Dispense with the Yiddish. - This is not a town matter.
This is a private matter between you and me which was settled when I said no.
This is a town matter because when this town is in need of a particular business...
to provide necessary services...
it's up to the town to band together and lure it.
How does a soda shop count as a necessary business?
Allow me to show you something that will make you wonder...
how we ever lived without it.
Kirk, if you will.
I told you to get something decorative to cover it.
My mom wouldn't let me use one of her nice tablecloths...
- so I grabbed a sheet from my hamper. - Take it off.
LUKE: What's that, a toy?
It's awfully cute!
That is a professionally manufactured diorama...
of the proposed business.
- There's little people and everything. - They look so real.
- It's me, holding a tiny zucchini! - Look at the horse-drawn carriage.
My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on.
- It's very 1800s. - The horse is taller than the front door!
- Way taller. - What are you up to, Taylor?
- Are you breeding giant horses? - It's slightly out of proportion.
Slightly? That little guy could walk under the horse without ducking.
You're missing the big picture here, townsfolk!
Now, this wonderful business belongs in Stars Hollow...
whether Luke rents the space willingly or not.
How would I not rent it willingly?
I'm talking about eminent domain, my friend.
Check the town's bylaws.
If a three-fourths majority finds it necessary to use a space...
for a specific function, the landowner must concede.
That's for turning houses into hospitals...
during a national emergency like the civil war.
You wanna turn this place into a war hospital? Be my guest.
Some would attest that the succor that my soda shop is going to offer...
is on the same level as the comfort of a hospital.
- You're gonna need a hospital. - Hit him.
- Which one? - Either one.
Come on, this shop is based on the original soda shop...
that was in town 80 years ago!
Don't you see? You are preventing the town...
From moving backwards. Who here wants to do that?
- We like ice cream. - Come on.
A nice burger from Luke's and an ice cream soda. Yum!
- You want that thing? - With a cherry.
The striped awning and the giant horse?
Be ready to pay through the nose.
We'll talk terms. We have our soda shop, everybody.
Yay!
Meeting dismissed.
Is it too soon to talk about management opportunities?
You get to be Taylor's landlord. That's kind of cool.
Thanks for your lack of help.
Grump.
- So, how was lunch with Harvard guy? - Great. He answered all my questions.
Makes killer chicken, he sticks a lemon up its butt.
He gave me great tips on how to write my essay.
- We're very impressed with him. - He passes the test.
- Excuse me, Lane? - That's me.
Okay, great, I'm Dave Rygalski.
- Right. Hi. You're a guitarist. - Yeah.
- How did you know I was me? - The Dead Kennedy's shirt was a tip-off.
Good thinking. Isn't it a drag...
that Jello Biafra isn't singing for them anymore?
Now their front man is that kid from TV.
What's next? Urkel joining the Wu-Tang Clan?
Malcolm in the Middle in the Butthole Surfers.
- Some things are sacred. - I'm with you on that.
- So what's your band like? - We do a lot of cool covers.
The Clash, The Kinks, et cetera.
Statistically, it's like 38 of the 43 bands you listed.
Nice percentage.
I could play a song we demoed using a drum machine.
Great.
- What's all this? - This is a headphone amp.
It boosts the volume and makes clarity off the hook.
And these are Grado 125s...
which is just really killer, killer portable sound.
- I'm sort of an audio geek. Sorry. - Don't apologize. I love you.
For that, for being that way. I love it. I'm like that, too.
Do you wanna go to the bench and have a listen?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- I think a love song's in their future. - With lots of lyrics about snogging.
About what?
You missed everything.
- That's snogging. - Got it.
- Bye. - So, any fireworks?
There was a classic Luke-Taylor dispute, but it was resolved...
and will result in ice cream floats and 20-foot horses.
Good deal. And what about your lunch?
It was great. I feel much better about things.
The application's not freaking me out anymore.
You look un-freaked.
Nothing can stop me now. It's full steam ahead.
That's great.
- Can I ask you something? - Of course you can.
- What happens when you leave? - When I leave, when?
When you leave for Harvard. Do we break up?
- That was blunt and out of nowhere. - It seems we should be blunt right now.
- No, we don't break up. Do you want that? - No, but how will we see each other?
Easy, weekends, that's what they were invented for.
You'll come home, do homework all weekend, then leave.
I can do my homework during the week or on the train coming home to see you...
who I will spend my weekends with not doing homework.
Plus, we can talk during the week on the phone constantly.
- Trust me, it'll feel like I never left. - Yeah?
Christian Amanpour spends half her life...
standing in foxholes in third world countries...
and she has a husband and a kid and she was on C-Span last week...
getting some award.
If she and her husband can make it work, we can.
- So we'll have access to the CNN jet? - No.
- Or you can go to college in Boston. - I'm going to junior college.
Boston has junior colleges.
- But not dorm rooms. - You can rent an apartment.
With the money I get when I win the lottery?
I think access to the CNN jet is more likely.
- Why are you being like this, so... - Realistic?
- Come on, be serious. - I am.
I am.
That's too serious.
Yeah, you know, just forget it.
Come on, we were gonna go to Luke's, right?
- Yeah. - Let's go to Luke's.
- It's great. It really is. - Cool. I'll talk to the guys.
- We'll get together and play next week. - Sure! I've got to get home.
- All right, it was good meeting you, Lane. - Same here.
- "Trust God." Is that a band? - No, my life.
- Come on, you do not like modern art. - Then, I was mistaken. I guess I don't.
I'm a mindless android, I have no opinions.
What kind do you like?
The kind that looks like someone hemorrhaged on a canvas?
Yes, I love hemorrhaging.
Or sculpture that looks like it was dropped, then glued back together?
The real love of my life...
is being mercilessly teased by the two of you for stating an opinion.
- We're sorry. - Yeah, we're sorry. Kisses!
In public, no less.
Where's Rory? We need all the girls kissing you.
- What are you gonna do with Rory's room? - Her room? When?
When she's gone. Are you doing anything with it?
I haven't thought about it.
Let me know. We could work something out.
You want her room?
For your burgeoning modern art collection?
I'm talking about my tools.
- Your tools, yeah. - What tools?
I have a collection of antique farming tools that my dad passed down to me.
Pre-Revolutionary war. They're kind of valuable.
And I've got no place for them. I've been looking for the right space.
- In Rory's room? - It's perfect.
- But she's got all her stuff in it. - Not for long.
- Yeah, right, not for long. - Just think about it.
Yeah, I will.
I will.
[Phone ringing]
LORELAI: No, not another band phone call. RORY: You never gave Lane a cut-off time.
Let the machine get it.
I cannot talk to another 17-year-old whose every other word is "uh."
- Not even a word. - Exactly.
[On answering machine] Hello, Gilmores, this is Darren Springsteen.
I just wanted to tell you that I have gone over Rory's records...
and no shock, they're perfect.
Rory, you are tailor-made for Harvard. They're lucky to have you.
As far as I'm concerned, you should pack your bags.
I'm gonna tell all this to the people in admissions and I'll call your headmaster.
So, take care. We'll talk again. Bye-bye.
- That's fantastic, honey. - Yeah?
- You're in. - Not officially.
- He said, "Pack your bags." - Yeah. Cool.
So what are you up to today? You have newspaper stuff to do, right?
A ton, and you were going to catch up with some stuff at the inn?
- Payroll. A lot of check signing to do. - Are people waiting for their checks?
- Kind of. - Right.
You know, the newspaper stuff can wait till Monday.
Really? I could sign the checks tomorrow.
- You sure? - Absolutely.
- What do you want to do? - Don't know, what about you?
- I don't know, let's just hang. - That sounds great.
LUKE: You had to have ordered that sign weeks ago.
LUKE: You were that sure I'd cave in. TAYLOR: You did, didn't you?
- The right's too high. - When did it become "Taylor's"?
It said "Stars Hollow" on the model, and I don't like the extra "P" and "E"...
- at the end of "shop." Get rid of it. - No.
- I'm your landlord, Taylor. - And as a tenant, I have rights.
Talk to my lawyer if you disagree.