And then she brushed me off with a wave of her regal hand, not even a word.
Just a... Like I'm her cabana boy.
Next, instead of just walking out of the room...
she'll make me bow and back out.
Imperious attitude. She never gives it a rest.
I schlepped her to the doctor the other day, by command, not request...
and the elevator operator there greeted us, nice and friendly.
Her doctor's on the second floor. By the time we got there...
that operator was in tears.
What?
Mom, you just did 20 straight minutes on Gran.
- It wasn't 20 minutes. - It was getting there.
How about a moratorium on the Gran stories for a bit?
Fine. I'd rather not spoil the meal with talk of her.
- Good. - I should just wash my hands.
Okay.
We'll wait.
- I mean, of her. - Good. Wash those hands.
- She sucks her olive pits. - Short moratorium.
Trying to extract every last ounce of flavor out of them like she does people.
- She sucks flavor out of people? - Can we change the subject?
Life, not flavor.
- You know what Gran needs? - What?
- A fella. - With or without an umbrella.
He'd have to look like an olive pit.
- Like a Dean Martin roast. - Those aren't funny to me.
- They're mean. - Except for Don Rickles.
Except for Rickles.
I think she did have a man for a time squiring her around to her biddy affairs.
- It horrified Richard, too. - Didn't want a new daddy?
Then he seemed suddenly out of the picture.
- Great-grandma never talked of him? - Never.
Even though I could tell the day she stopped seeing him.
- Those kinds of things are always obvious. - Yeah, I guess.
When a couple is in a relationship and then suddenly isn't.
- Right. - Right.
- Is she still looking? - Yup.
Right. You know, Grandma...
Did I mention that I'm not with Dean anymore?
- No, you didn't. - Well, I'm not.
I've known for weeks, actually, but it's good that you confirmed it.
- How did you know? - You abruptly stopped mentioning him...
eleven dinners ago, so I figured it out.
You kept count?
- Eleven. - Eleven.
- I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Grandma. - I think you should have.
What if I'd invited Dean to an event, you were no longer with him...
and that's how I found out? It would've been embarrassing.
What event would you have invited him to?
I don't know. A wedding.
- For who? - A mutual friend or something.
You both have mutual friends in common that Rory and I don't?
The Talbots, or that senior partner at Deloitte & Touche?
You know what I meant.
It's always best to tell each other major life events...
to avoid awkwardness.
Grandma, I probably also failed to mention that I'm seeing someone else.
- Who? - Jess.
- Jess? - Luke's nephew. Luke from the diner?
I see.
- Am I going to get to meet him soon? - I don't know.
That might be hard to arrange.
How hard is it? Just bring him over for dinner sometime.
- How about next Friday? - I don't know.
- That might be hard to arrange. - It's perfect timing.
Richard will be out of town...
and it would be nice to round off the group with a fourth.
Doesn't he work Fridays?
Friday is his usual night. It's a bad night.
Okay.
I suppose I'll eventually meet him someday, at some function.
- Perhaps a wedding. - Or Rory's graduation.
That's good.
That way we'll all get to meet him at once. Myself, Richard, Gran.
Maybe I'll bring a couple of girls from the D.A.R.
Reverend Mahoney might like to come also.
Now that I think about it...
- I think Jess does have next Friday off. - Really?
- Let's make it a foursome. - That'll be nice.
- It will be nice, right, Grandma? - Very nice. We'll have Iamb.
So, it'll be nice for everybody? Everybody will be nice to everybody?
- Keyword being "nice"? - Yes. Very nice.
Really nice?
- Of course. That's what I just said. - Good.
- Nice will be nice. - And a nice night it'll be.
Not so nice for the Iamb.
Saturday morning I've got a hair appointment, nails and Jim.
You don't go to the gym.
No, Jim is coming here to fix the garbage disposal.
- Jim Dunning, got it. - I also got "resha plaba sham."
- What? - I can't read it.
Shouldn't you change your system, go electronic?
- You're a busy woman. - Hey, my system works.
Tell it to the guy who calls...
because you missed your "resha plaba sham" appointment.
I hate that we have to coordinate schedules.
If we don't we may never see each other.
- We didn't have to do it before. - We're busier.
- Let's run away and leave all this behind. - You mean our house?
We'll take the house, leave everything else.
- Put it on your list. - What's your day like tomorrow?
Hanging out with Jess, studying at night.
Alex and I are having dinner tomorrow night.
That'll make it nice and quiet when I study.
I'm that loud?
Yes, when dancing about singing Rory's studying songs.
What's this I have down for Sunday?
- "Lathe bang trafficking." - "Lane's band practicing."
Underneath it? "Net fracks."
- "Get snacks." - For the band.
See, it works.
You're actually bringing Jess to dinner on Friday?
It's as good a time as any. Only one grandparent to contend with.
That was some stealthy little maneuver she pulled there.
Applying the guilt over not knowing about the break-up...
making you all weak and then using that to get Jess to come to dinner on Friday.
She's like Lyndon Johnson with the Senate. Effortless.
- So, Sunday's for us, right? - Yeah.
I have you down right here.
- "Cokie." - Good.
It's early. Wanna watch more of the supplementary stuff...
on The Lord of the Rings DVD?
It's just the drawings and that fat guy talking.
- Let's watch Footloose again. - Yeah.
- You dropped some of your notes. - Who cares, can't read them anyway.
- Do you love it? - It's great.
The Holy Barbarians. I mean, what a title.
It's by a Venice Beach beatnik about Venice Beach beatniks.
The one who wrote it is the father of the guy...
that does those Actors Studio interviews on TV.
- The guy with the beard? - Yeah, the pointy beard.
That's his dad, writing at his desk.
It's weird that a weird beatnikky guy has a conservative son.
Maybe he's not conservative. Maybe at night he, like...
- takes off his clothes and parties. - Man, get that image out of my head.
- It's a cool book, you've got to admit. - It is. Thanks.
- I'm not lending it, I'm not done. - Why'd you show it to me?
- I like showing you what I read. - You knew I'd want to read it.
- Book tease. - You'll get it when I'm done.
Cruel woman.
- You going to work now? - Back to the salt mines.
You're not tied to the hours you have, right?
- You can trade if you want? - There's some flexibility.
- Got any flexibility next Friday night? - Yeah, why?
- I thought you could have dinner with us. - Us?
- To my grandma's. - To meet your grandmother.
Yeah, she'll be there.
It might be rude not to introduce the two of you.
- I got to work. - You just said you could get out.
- Didn't know what for. - Jess.
- No. - But I already kind of agreed.
- Oh, man. - So I'm kind of jammed here.
- Does she know how I look? - No.
Find somebody who vaguely resembles me, take him.
- Don't kiss him good night. - That won't work.
Andy Warhol did it all the time.
We're just $5 away from a deal.
- That's worth $5 at least. - You Gilmores think a lot of yourselves.
- Okay. - Thank you.
Manipulator.
Rory, get in here.
- What? - Get in here now, no questions.
Okay.
Now, for those who have just arrived, I'm trying out some material...
for my one-woman show, and I need some feedback.
You are my randomly picked audience.
Randomly shanghaied.
It's part stories, part songs.
Like what Elaine Stritch did on Broadway, but without the bitterness.
My working title:
Buckle up, I'm Patty.
- How long have you been here? - An hour?
Poor thing.
It's mostly her and Kirk arguing about stuff.
Apparently he's the director.
Patty, let's try one of your reminiscences.
That's what I'm looking for, Kirk.
Sorry I didn't save you. I didn't see you until it was too late.
-I don't think anybody could've saved -Okay, here we go.
Did you know that I once met the great Bette Davis?
I was a chorus girl in a bus-and-truck tour of Guys and Dolls.
Beantown. I love that town.
There I was, me and the girls backstage after the show, and in she comes.
And who does she walk right up to but little old me.
And she sized me up, exhaled some smoke from that wrinkled mouth of hers and said:
[Mimicking Bette Davis] "Doll, you don't got the high notes...
but you've sure got the gams."
I'll always treasure that moment with Bette.
And I want to dedicate this song to her.
Ethel, key of D.
- We're going to have to rewrite that. - What?
- It got no response. It needs a rewrite. - Kirk, it's my reminiscence.
I can't rewrite it.
How about if she says, "Doll, you've got the gams...
"but I've got a body in the trunk of my car"?
Why would she say that?
'Cause she's a murderer. I think it works.
I'm not rewriting my memories, Kirk.
It died. Build a coffin for it, put some pennies on its eyes...
- 'cause that stiff ain't breathing. - We'll discuss this later.
- Go back to your light booth. - Fine, start the song.
[Singing]
- Kirk, would you fix this? - Fix what?
This flashing!
- That's my choice for this song. - It's disco.
I'm trying to subvert expectations.
Well, don't. Just give me a simple spot.
- Something more obvious, got it. - No...
- This is a hit. - It'll run for years.
- Something on the nose, expected. - Kirk!
It was nice of you to step in like that.
She could have hurt herself trying to throw the podium...
- at him like that. - "Work in progress" is the key phrase.
I like that she tries.
She taught me everything I've forgotten about dancing...
baton twirling and gymnastics.
- I'm this way. - I'm this way.
- See you later. - See you.
You know, I kind of liked the body-in-the-trunk thing.
Me, too. Peppier.
- Night. - Night.
[Man talking on TV]
[Thudding]
- Sorry. - It's okay.
I can just shut the door so you can carry on.
- We've carried on enough. - I think we carried on pretty good here.
- I'll call you about the weekend. - Okay, bye.
- Bye, Rory. - Good night.
- We need a signal. - A kissing signal?
Something to avoid this?
How about I shoot off a flare when I'm outside necking?
You know what I mean.
Or I could bang on the door and yell, "Hey, we're necking out here!"
- We need a signal. - We'll think of something.
Alex and I were talking about going to New York next weekend.
- Fun. - Yeah.
He's got four tickets to a show.
He's heard me talk about Sookie and Jackson so much...
- that he wants to invite them. - It isn't Buckle Up, I'm Patty?
Nothing.
- We'd have to leave Friday day. - So?
Meaning it's just you and Jess alone at dinner with the glorious Emily.
- That's totally fine. - You sure?
- It might make things easier. - What does that mean?
Nothing. It might make it less pressure-packed.
I'm loud when you study and make social gatherings worse?
Out of the goodness of your heart, you'd be trying to shield me all night.
And that might make things worse. Out of love.
And I love you. I hope you know that.
[Phone ringing]
Okay, I think I get it. I have the best intentions.
Bingo.
- Hi. - Hey, how was work?
I toted the barge, lifted the bale.
You're a great barge-toter, I can attest to that.
How was your day?
- Fine, a lot of studying. - Yeah, is that all you did?
- Yeah, basically. - Basically.
Jess, what?
Heard you were hanging out with Dean today.
- Where'd you hear that? - It's all over town.
I was with him for a while. What do you mean, "It's all over town"?
- You haven't seen the fliers? - I've been home all night. What fliers?
It says, "People are already raving about Miss Patty's one-woman show."
- And? - Just some blurbs.
One says, "Rory and Dean couldn't stop talking about it."
- We're on a flyer? - You and a bunch of others.
The mailman says, "Even without proper postage...
- "this show delivers." - She's making that up.
Ralph's not that witty.
- Were you hanging out there with Dean? - I was not hanging out with him.
We were hauled in to watch her try out material.
We were sitting in the same area, so we talked...
and left at the same time.
- That was it, it was all by accident. - Yeah?
This is an old subject.
You know that Dean and I are friendly.
I know. It doesn't mean I don't want to punch him.
This was not a plan.
I was kidnapped by Miss Patty, so was he. That's it.
- Then you two should press charges. - I think we should.
- Just... - What?
Just tell me these things first...
so I don't have to read them on telephone poles.
I will, I promise.
- Okay. - Okay.
- How's the show? - It's gonna need a lot of postage.
Why does it say, "Not in any way affiliated with Kirk" at the bottom?
- They had a show biz spat. - Fill me in.
Help yourselves to drinks in the fridge. We've got chips, pretzels.
I remembered your allergies and got you the Melba toast.
- Thanks. - We got a lot done today.
- We've almost got a full set. - What's missing is a love song.
All our songs are about property destruction...
and a general dislike of right-wing causes.
Not one love song?
We can add some.
You'd think love songs are all you and Lane would want to play.
[Crackling]
Man!
This crunch just now sounded like the drum fill in Baba O'Riley.
- Cool, way to go, Zack. - Zack, musical mouth, that's awesome.
But why would Dave and Lane want to play just love songs?
Because, I was just thinking, with Dave's name...
Dave, you've got the last two letters in "love."
"V-E." With Lane's name, you have the "L."
You just dump the "A" and add an "O" and there you go.
- Makes sense. - Totally.
We should break stuff down. I got to get home for dinner.
One day, you won't go home for dinner.
- I'll be dead? - No, we'll be on tour.
- Right. - That was a negative "right."
- Guys, I'm so sorry, it just slipped out. - That's okay.
Luckily Zack and Brian are, well, Zack and Brian.
- How long are you gonna keep it a secret? - For a while.
You sure it would be so bad if they knew?
Keeping this secret seems complicated.
- We've got a system. - Speaking of which...
it's 3:18. We'll have the stuff packed by 3:40. What's the situation?
At 3:40, Mom will be on her way to the yarn store...
for her bimonthly sew-a-thon with Lacey Schwartz and Bick-Ho.
- The yarn store's on Peach? - Plum.
That cuts us off from our usual route.
There's a back road. It's going to be muddy from the rains.
The guys'll take the usual route. I'll go by foot up Peach...
down the alley behind AI's, they can pick me up...
- half a mile down by the Shell station. - Perfect.
- That's not complicated. - Sorry I doubted you.
Well, okay then.
Hey.
- Hey, coffee? - Please, and hurry.
I'm going to Manhattan this weekend and I need to buy warm clothes.
- You already have warm clothes. - I have nothing.
- It gets as cold here as in New York. - It's not the same.
- It's exactly the same. - I have nothing stylish enough.
- You got the black cashmere coat. - It needs cleaning.
- Clean it. - But I need some sweaters, too.
You've got the purple, powder-blue, three shades of red...
a ton of black, which will go with the coat.
Plus you've got a dozen scarves to mix and match with any of those tops.
- Let me shop for some clothes. - Okay.
What are you doing in New York?
A bunch of us are going. It'll be dinner and a show.
- What show? - Levittown, a new musical?
It's in previews. Doesn't open for a couple of weeks.
So informed.
Nicole likes the theater. Her firm has an office on Madison.
I've met her there a few times. Saw Hairspray last week.
I can't picture you watching Hairspray.
- I liked The Producers better. - Aren't we just a Broadway baby?
- Got any time to kill there? - Some.
Got a great book. It has walking tours of old historic Manhattan.
Before Disney got hold of it. The SoHo one's good.
I love stuff like that.
It's on my dresser, if you want to grab it.
Cool, thanks.
[Exclaiming]
- Surprise. - What are you doing here?
- I came up for a book. - A book?
- Many books here. Anything in particular? - It's one of Luke's.
If it hasn't got Encyclopedia Brown in the title, that narrows it down.
- Walking Tours of New York. - On the table.
Good, here it is. Okay. Thanks. Sorry about this.
It's okay.
We should come up with a system or something.
- Probably. - Déjà vu?
Why I'd be walking into Luke's place in the future...
I don't know. Put the system on the back burner.
- Good. - Okay.
Carry on. See you.
- Find it okay? - I found everything...
including a couple, coupling.
- Rory and Jess? - Ben and J. Lo. Yes, Rory and Jess.
- I should have told you. - You knew?
- They're up there all the time. - On the couch, horizontal, on the couch.
- They come up for air every so often. - And you just allow this?
I go up there every 10 minutes pretending to get something...
to keep them from doing something we don't want.
"Whoops, I forgot my pocket knife. I'm out of ones.
"You see a case of mustard up here?" I put the stuff in a box.
I take the box upstairs every couple of days and start all over again.
And you think that suffices?
It's better that they're safe and upstairs...
than some place else. You going up there just now saved me a trip. Thanks.
- Glad to be of service. - And a good system, it works.
- Every 10 minutes? - Like clockwork. Never a minute more.
Even while serving a customer it's 10 minutes?
- If I'm in mid-pour, I stop and go up. - Ten minutes.
That's pretty much the time it took to create Rory.
And that included getting dressed and freshening my lipstick.
- What? - Thanks for the book.
- Caesar, cover for me. - Okay.
- Rory? - I'm coming.
Tout de suite, and I don't mean the candy.
Okay. What's the packing crisis?
That's the thing, I have no packing crisis.
For the first time in my life, there is no packing crisis. See?
This has never happened before. I'm all packed to go...
and confident I have everything I'll need or desire.
So you're creating a crisis out of nostalgia?
Alex and I talked about everything we planned to do...
and how we expected to dress...
and we coordinated to the point where I knew each piece I had to bring...
down to the Spice Girls necklace...
I plan to wear Saturday, because we agreed to keep it whimsical.
So, not your Jonas Salk necklace.
I'm trying to become as good a planner as you.
- What's the problem? - I have no idea what to wear on the drive.
I wanna look good, but not too good that it steps on my night outfit.
- I want to be comfortable. - He's wearing a jogging suit?
Then after, he and Paulie are hitting the Bada Bing.
Your point being, it's not a running suit.
Right.
- And tonight's a dress? - And my cashmere coat and hat.
Your stretchy jeans and your Bunny Ranch T-shirt.
Comfort and raunch, I love it. Good.
So, how are you guys working the logistics tonight?
I am going to study at school, then going to Grandma's from there.
Jess is driving from work...
- and then he's driving me home. - Here?
- Yeah, he's gonna drop me off here. - I guess that makes sense.
I thought so.
Although, I don't know.
What?
Are you sure that's the best way to do it?
Why?
It just means you're coming home to an empty house.
- That's your doing, not mine. - It might be lonely here.
- Did you think about staying at Mom's? - Overnight?
They've got those fancy beds that don't sag...
and you're guaranteed a great Norma Desmond-style breakfast.
You don't have school, works out perfectly.
- I'd rather just come home. - Okay, sure.
But you know, staying at your grandmother's...
means that Jess wouldn't have to go out of his way...
at the end of the night to drop you off. It would be more convenient for him.
Our house is two-tenths of a mile out of his way.
- Sure he'll have enough gas? - I'll make sure.
If you can't get a hold of him, it's safer to stay at Mom's.
If you run out of gas, you're stuck and at the mercy of the orcs.
- Mom, why are you so freaked? - This is not freaked.
Is it because you won't be here and he will?
- It might have crossed my mind. - What are you worried about?
What you guys were on the on-ramp for up at Luke's the other day.
Your basic boy-girl stuff, especially this new-boy-you-girl stuff.
The boy is different, but I'm still me. That hasn't changed.
- I know. - I have so much on my mind.
So many things going on in my life that I don't even have time to think about that.
- No thinking, at all? - None, I swear.
And we talk about everything together, remember?
Nothing will happen that you won't know about.
Good.
[Doorbell ringing]
That's Alex. Come on.
[Soft piano music playing on stereo]
You didn't have to change.
I feel dumb being in my uniform when I'm not in school.
But you look darling in it. I'm going to miss it when you go to college.
I am, too, in a way.
I like not having to think about what to wear.
You'll have plenty of years to stress yourself out about that.
- I'm sorry he's late. - We're fine, dinner will keep.
I know how you like things to be punctual.
There was a tie-up on the 84 earlier, he's probably smack-dab in the middle of that.
Try him on his cell phone, see what's going on.
He doesn't have one.
- Really? - He doesn't believe in them.
I find that refreshing.
Technology is encroaching too fast on every aspect of life, if you ask me.
It's getting to the point where people will want robots to carry them everywhere.
[Doorbell ringing]
There he is.
- What? - Sorry I'm late.
That's all right. Come in, it's cold out.
This is Jess. Jess, my grandmother.
- Nice to meet you. - Same here.
- What happened to your eye? - It's a long story.
- This is new? - Brand-new.
- It looks bad, does it hurt? - I'm fine.
- Is that why you were late? - No, 84 was jammed.
We knew that. There was something with a big rig.
Those things scare the life out of me.
Apparently all the men who drive them are hopped up on bennies and goofballs.
Come, have a seat at the table. I'll go check on dinner.
- Shouldn't we go with her? - Were you in a fight?
Dinner's waiting.
It's a long story. I don't wanna talk about it.
- Why? - I'm already in a crappy mood.
Traffic sucked, traffic I hit going to a function I didn't want to go to...
and I'm thirsty and I am hungry, so let's eat.
- So, do we eat standing up? - Over there.
The roast looks perfect.
- Do you eat meat? I forgot to ask. - I'm a carnivore.
Good. I don't see how anybody can resist eating meat.
- That's why we have teeth. - That's how I feel.
Dinner parties used to be simple. Now every time we give one...
I have to run my menu down with every person on the list. It's tiring.
- This one eats just about anything. - Grandma.
The way you and your mom eat, and those slim figures of yours, is a medical marvel.
- They should be studied. - I don't think so.
Rory tells me you're part of the Wal-Mart corporation.
Out of necessity.
- They sound like wonderful stores. - I want to be buried there.
We've never been inside one, but we own the stock.
Thanks for the paycheck.
- That's very funny. - Did you just get it?
The eye. Did it just happen?
We should eat these salads so the roast doesn't get cold.
I mean, it must be sometime between 9:00 last night and now.
- His eye. - It was sometime in there.
- But you can't narrow it down? - Come on.
Oh, my God, there's no salt and pepper. We'll need it for the meat.
They're supposed to be trained before I get them...
but that's never the case.
- What is your problem? - You're not telling me the truth.
- I don't wanna get into it here. - It's obvious why.
- Is it? - You got into a fight with Dean.
- Unbelievable. - Is that it?
- It always comes back to Dean. - Because you bring it there.
- You brought him up. - 'Cause you had a fight.
Why are you pressing this? Why?
I'm trying to make a positive impression on your grandma, per your request...
and you're forcing me to do otherwise.
What are raisins doing in a salad? Why can't people leave well enough alone?
In that speech, I didn't hear you deny it.
We've got great choices on the prime rib. How do you like your prime rib?
- Cooked. - He's not picky.
Good, that'll make it easier.
- So, what did I miss? - Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Would it be all right if I speak to Jess? We can go to the study.
- We're eating. - I want to talk.
- You're being rude to your grandma. - I can leave the room if you want.
No, Grandma, we'll be right back.
I told you nothing happened at Patty's, but you wouldn't believe it.
You had to get into a fight before meeting my grandma. It's a disaster.
- I didn't fight with Dean. - Bull.
- Believe what you want. - I'll find out, so why keep it from me?
What if Dean had punched me, and I had to defend myself?
You're not even considering that that's what happened?
- Dean wouldn't do that. - He might get his big white Stetson dirty.
- You're being a jerk to my grandma. - I'm doing my best.
If that means I'm a jerk, that's what I am. I didn't wanna come.
- No one made you. - You made me.
Now I've seen it all.
You embarrassed me in front of her.
- That's it. I've had it. - So have I.
If you're gonna harp on this, I'm leaving.
I have to explain to my grandma why my boyfriend...
who showed up a half-hour late with a black eye, is walking out?
You like making up stories in your head, so that should be easy for you.
- Is he fetching something from his car? - I don't think so.
[Car engine revving]
- He left. - Yeah, he left.
You can take some prime rib back for him, if you want.
What do you say the girls have some dinner?
So, good show.
Thank you for getting us those tickets.
Great production value.
Amazing, the way they do lighting on these things.
It's magical.
This is the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.
- What? - I saw Moose Murders. This stinks worse.
- I thought it was me. - I was dying in there.
- Every song was the same. - Same two notes.
How does that happen?
[Singing] I feel so very bad, yet I feel so very sad
I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm sad
- I'm sorry, that's better, rent a theater. - I say we hit a bar, get some drinks...
continue plotting this musical you're writing.
- Cool. We'll need pens and paper. - Just memorize it.
[Singing] I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm sad
We'll grab a cab.
That fits right in.
- You're nice. - I try.
Who are you expecting?
Not that I'm expecting a call, because it could mean something bad...
- so, not getting calls is probably best. - Probably.
- I'm gonna give her a call. - On the drive down here...
you asked me to stop you from calling Rory for the wrong reason.
- I left the iron on. - She'll turn it off.
- She's got this boy. - I know.
- I shouldn't call her. - It's up to you.
We've got a cab, and the driver likes our song.
- Putting away phone now. - Good girl.
[Cell phone ringing]
- Hello? - Good morning.
Why are you calling so early?
I must have screwed up the time difference. What time is it there?
- The same time it is there. - Sorry.
- How's it going? - Lot of walking.
- Had pizza at John's, and wrote a musical. - Good for you.
We played the same Dean Martin song 25 times. People started complaining.
So we picked New York Mining Disaster...
- and they begged for Dean Martin back. - Sounds fun.
So, how did the dinner go?
Not well. Far from well.
- What? - I'm at Grandma's.
- You stayed the night? - Yes.
What did she do? Did she make you stay...
because she didn't want Jess driving you home? She's untrusting.
- And to ruin the dinner, I'll kill her. - No.
Grandma was great, even though Jess was late.
- You're kidding. - She was a saint.
- Staying over was my idea. - Why?
Jess and I got into the most horrible fight of my life and it was...
- I can't even say. - I don't believe this.
He showed up with a big black eye.
- A black guy? - Eye. A black eye.
- He got into a fight. - With Dean?
He wouldn't say, but yes. He was all standoffish about it...
and things got worse, and he walked out. It was horrible.
Honey, I'm sorry. Are you okay?
I'm upset but I'm okay.
[Door opening]
I thought I heard you up.
- How about some breakfast? - Sure.
- [Whispering] Is that Jess? - It's Mom.
- Hey, put her on. - She wants to talk to you.
- Bye. - See you tonight.
Hi, listen. Rory kind of explained what happened last night...
and how you were really great about it. I just wanted to thank you.
I don't know all the details, but I'm sure it all could have been way worse...
and you keeping your cool like that was really nice.
Thanks.
How can you let your daughter be with that abominable thug?
First he arrives late. How disrespectful is that?
Then he's rude to Rory, rude to me.
That attitude, I wanted to slap that monosyllabic mouth of his.
God forbid they're in another accident together or his car breaks down...
and Lord Jim thinks cell phones are beneath him...
and they're stranded. How can you let this happen?
He had a black eye. He belongs in jail.
[Rock music playing on car stereo]
[Music stops playing]
- That's disrespectful. - We're early. Let's get something to eat.
- What do we want? - I've only got $3.
You've always only got $3.
You go to an ATM that gives out only $3 at a time?
- Let's pick. - I'm sick of burgers.
If it could be a place that has more than burgers.
- What do you want, a $3 sushi place? - Doesn't have to be sushi.
Shut up and be cool, don't say a thing.
- What? Why? - Mrs. Kim, hello.
- You're Lane's mom? - How do you know Lane?
- She's a great... - Girl. We all think so.
Who are you? What is all this? Who are all these unwashed boys?
Zack and Brian here play in a combo with me when I don't play solo.
- A combo. - A Christian combo.
Good. Just a guitar can sound thin.
That's why we play music together.
- The light's turned, we should get... - I want to warn you about something.
- Yes? - Lane has a crush on you.
- She does? - I thought you should know.
She's a good girl, but flighty. Be careful around her.
You're a serious boy. I don't want you to be shocked.
- Thank you, I'll be careful, I promise. - Okay.
Maybe I'll book your combo sometime. Mix it up a little.
- It would be our pleasure. Right, guys? - Sure.
Don't speed.
DAVE: Okay, so where do we want to eat?
Hey, there. See those fliers?
Apparently I clicked my heels for joy after one of her songs.
- I don't remember that. - Me, neither. Can I talk to you?
What's wrong?
This friend thing isn't going to work if we're not honest with each other.
- I agree. - Anything you want to tell me?
- Corn's two for a dollar? - Jess has a black eye.
- Any idea where he got it? - That would be an extremely long list.
- It wasn't you? - Wasn't me.
- Swear? - I swear. Did he say it was me?
He's not saying anything. He's less talkative than some.
Sorry, I have no idea.
- I really don't like talking about him. - I know, sorry.
- I should get back to work. - Okay.
- Sorry I couldn't solve the mystery. - Me, too.
- What? - You're Petey the dog.
- I don't want to talk about it. - Is that why you snuck in?
I did not sneak in.
- Can we get back to work here? - Start clearing some stuff.
- When did you get into a fight with Dean? - I didn't.
Where's that coming from? I just asked.
I'm sick of everyone making assumptions.
- So it wasn't Dean. - No.
- It happened yesterday? - Yes.
You went to Rory's grandmother's, she punch you?
- Stop. - Where'd you get it?
- Santa Claus. - You won't tell me?
That's right.
[Phone ringing]
Hello.
- Hang on a second. It's Rory. - I'm not here.
- What? - Get a clue, I don't want to talk.
You don't want to talk to Rory?
He just went some place.
I'll tell him. Bye.
- Come on. - Hey.
What is this?
You're my responsibility. You're exhibiting signs of violent behavior.
I don't care if you don't want to talk. You won't leave till you tell me.
- Where'd you get the black eye? - You won't believe it.
Try me, tough guy.
A swan.
- Excuse me? - I was attacked by a swan.
Okay, you happy?
A stupid swan.
[Clearing throat]
- How about the real story? - That is the real story.
It hangs out by Larson's dock. I was just walking by...
and the thing came out of nowhere, and beaked me right in the eye.
- It "beaked" you. - You still don't believe me.
I've never heard anyone use the word "beaked" as a verb before.
No, this isn't funny.
That stupid bird attacked me.
He could have blinded me. It's a vicious bird.
Fine. Forget it.
What're you doing? Where are you going?
I'm gonna do a little beaking of my own.
Not the ladle, that's a brand-new ladle.
Take the baster.
I don't see a swan.
- Put your oars down. - They don't like oars?
Just lay low, it'll come.
Does it act all peaceful and Bambi-like, and then suddenly attack...
- like the rabbit in Monty Python? - Your voice is probably scaring it away.
How did you explain the black eye to the Gilmores?
I didn't. The whole night sucked.
- I'm glad it's behind me. - Behind you?
- You've nothing behind you. - What do you mean?
You have more events like that in your future.
- No way. - When you date a girl like Rory...
you're involved with her family. Like that last girl you dated...
- you were involved with her petri dish. - She was easy to figure out.
- And you were bored. - I'm dating Rory, not her family.
All these people come in a package with this girl.
The mother comes with this girl, the grandmother comes with this girl.
And a bunch of others. Everybody she's ever met, including Dean.
She picked you.
- God knows why. - She knows, that's all that matters.
- Being jealous of Dean... - I'm not jealous.
Being jealous of Dean is pointless. You're just going to drive Rory away.
You wanna have a relationship?
You must learn to open your mouth and say something.
- Give it a rest, Dr. Phil. - You can't shut down.
- You can't avoid her calls. - I didn't want to talk.
- When will you wanna talk? - Don't know.
What are you gonna do? Keep avoiding her and never take her calls?
- She'll find me. - If she keeps looking for you.
- I'm not gonna be a wuss like Dean. - He had that girl for two years.
You have a little fight after two months and it's over?
- I don't care. - You don't care. That's obvious.
- [Whispering] Is that the one? - That's it. Watch it.
I'm watching it.
It's pretty.
[Jess shushing]
- Is it gonna double back? - Maybe.
It's lulling us into complacency.
- He's vicious. - Its butt's terrifying.
It's outnumbered. It knows there's two of us.
Want me to get underwater, swim along and breathe through a straw?
Forget it.
Maybe it's gonna get another swan, come back and fight.
Forget it.
[Luke chuckling]
- He's not even calling you back? - I'm not sure what to do.
Dave and I have never had a fight because we haven't truly begun dating...
- so I have no perspective. - You better hurry up...
and start having bad boy troubles so I can get some feedback.
- Hi, guys. - How's it going?
- It's going a little weird. - Why?
We need to get something out in the open.
- Definitely. - We ran into your mom.
- My mom? - Oh, boy.
We're aware there's a situation here that you have been hiding.
We should get it out or it'll get weirder.
I guess so.
We didn't mean anything by hiding it.
What pisses us off is that you felt you had to hide it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You're a Christian, so what? That's cool. - It's nothing to hide.
- Christians can still rock. - They can?
Christians can still rock, don't hide it.
Marshall stacks don't know Christians from atheists.
Gosh, I just wasn't sure if you guys would be accepting of my devoutness.
It's a part of you and we think you're cool, so it's cool.
Great. Thanks, guys.
- But no way are we playing Creed. - Of course not.
- Or Amy Grant. We draw the line there. - This is very accepting of you.
We'll play that gig for your mom, if it pays.
Mrs. Kim pays, she's very good about that.
[Car horn honking]
- That's my mom. I'm glad this all worked. - Me, too.
- My only little daughter. - I'm happy to see you.
- Thanks for bringing her back safely. - No problem.
- I'm very weak. - She hasn't eaten in a while.
- I told you to keep to a feeding schedule. - I'm drifting.
- She wanted to have dinner with you. - That's sweet.
- Must have food. - I'll take it from here.
- Thanks. - Bye.
You're not food.
- Revive her. - I will.
- I'm gonna run and get take-out. - Make like the wind.
- Can you make it to the door? - I'll struggle.
[Door opening]
Rory.
- Your mom home? - I'm bringing supplies.
- Should have brought a mule. - What?
- A pack mule. To carry it. - Yeah.
- Sorry I missed your calls. - You're always out.
I was getting ready to call you just now but you would have been out.
- Ironic. - Yeah.
- I know there was no fight with Dean. - Really? How?
- You asked Dean. - It was the only thing I could do.
- Go to the source. - I'm sorry I doubted you.
I would have doubted me, too.
I need to trust you as much as I trust him.
- This black eye screwed everything up. - Yeah.
Next time I go to your grandma's, I'll not have one.
- Next time? - Next time.
So what happened?
- I don't... - It wasn't Dean. You can say.
- Will that make you happy? - Yes, very.
Okay, I'll tell you the truth since we're so into the truth tonight.
- That's what good relationships are about. - Right.
But you've got to promise not to mock me, ever.
- And please don't tell anyone else. - Promise.
I was throwing a football with a buddy and got hit in the eye.
- You poor thing. - Yeah.
- But that's not embarrassing. - Now that you mention it, it's not.
- I have to go. - Don't go.
- I don't want to. - Then don't. Let's go somewhere.
- I've got take-out. - I'll reimburse you.
My mom's waiting.
- Keep thinking what you're thinking. - I have no choice.
MAN: [On TV] The Vice President...
- Is that you, Rhett? - I bring food.
Thank God, one of everything at AI's.
Bless you and your gluttony.
- Aren't you hungry? - Yeah.
Come on, dig in.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Listen.
I'm listening.
When I said before that I was too busy to think about it...
I realized now that I'm not too busy to think about it.
- Think about it? - About "it."
- "It." - Yeah.
It.
Nothing's happened yet...
but it might. Maybe.
Maybe?
With Jess.
- You still want me to tell you everything? - Yeah.
- No, well. - Which is it?
- We're doing this now. - Yes.
- Which is it? - I don't know.
- You'll let me know? - Yeah.
Was that, yeah, you'll let me know, or that's your answer, you want to know?
I guess I want to know, yes.
And now, sure.
- Nothing's happened. - I heard.
- But it might. - Okay.
Could you tell me before it does?
- Right before, or... - No, just before.
Okay.
Okay, good.
- Is that it? - For tonight, yeah.
Good.
- This is good. - Yeah, it is good.
- Okay, well... -let's eat. - Good.