Unbelievable.
[Phone ringing]
- Hello? - There are no empty tables at Luke's.
And I can do what about that?
I was hoping you'd developed mind-control powers...
since I last saw you, and you'd will people to leave.
No. If I could do that, I'd be using it to play the ponies or something.
- Your table would be low on the list. - Selfish. Hold on a sec.
- Kirk, may I? - May you what?
- Sit with you. - Here?
- Yes. - I have a girlfriend.
- I'm not flirting with you, Kirk. - Then have a seat.
Thanks.
- I love that shirt. - It's an Arnold Palmer.
- That was flirting. - Oh, man.
I'm back.
- So what's going on with Lane? - She's here. She's fine.
She's still a little bit in denial.
She hasn't talked to her mom since the kick-out.
- Poor Mrs. Kim. - Poor Mrs. Kim?
She kicked Lane out. I'm mad at her.
Why? She must be very lonely without Lane.
Lane's getting along pretty well here. She's kind of fallen into a rhythm.
- Hey. - Hey. Take.
Thank you. Hey, you're out of breath.
There were incredibly slow people in the coffee line...
and I promised to wake Paris.
- Up and at 'em. - Die.
I got you a triple espresso that I'm going to put here...
right out of reach, so sleepyhead has to get up to get it.
Die twice.
She at the Professor's again last night?
Yes, but she claims she was up all night cramming.
- Well, she was. - Oh, ick.
Ick what? Are you talking about me? Who is that?
It's my mom. We're not talking about you. You're so paranoid.
Hold on a sec. Luke's here.
I swear, it feels like these stupid firelight festivals happen every week.
- And a happy happy to you, too. - Order, please.
- Coffee and whatever muffin you have. - Coming up.
- You two an item now? - I have a girlfriend.
Double dipping, you dog.
You never told me why you're up so early.
I got a quick meeting at the Dragonfly, and then Jason's coming here for the day.
- Jason? - He's taking the morning off...
so I'm taking him shopping for new furniture for his office.
Sounds fun.
He's never really seen Stars Hollow, so...
You get to show him around, right?
Mmm-hmm.
- I interrupt something? - No.
Would my reminding you of the cell phone policy...
affect your behavior in any way?
- It's Rory. - Hello, Rory.
- How does it feel to be a step dad? - Knock it off.
- Good thinking. - What?
Clamming up. He's always had a problem with your guys.
- Best to ease into it. - No, that's not why I stopped talking.
[Paris exclaiming]
Good morning, Vietnam!
- What was that? - Paris.
She likes to do this thing in the morning with the triple espresso.
It's like Jack Nicholson in Easy Rider.
Jumping cattle hockey!
Paris, could you take it somewhere else, please?
- Wait. We got something going on here. - What's going on?
WOMAN: Come on.
A kind of rock 'n' roll hippie chick came in.
She's deep in conversation with Luke, who is not looking too happy.
- What are they saying? - They are rudely out of range.
Hey, hon, try to move in so you can hear them. Go.
She's joking. We're just friends.
A mystery woman.
Maybe she has something to do with his apartment.
He might be leasing out whichever one he's not using.
Or it's about the divorce with Nicole...
or the lack of one, if the divorce is definitely off.
Or maybe she's a friend of Nicole's, or
another attorney if it's not definitely off.
Boy, Luke is the most complicated guy I know...
who also owns a Doobie Brothers record.
PARIS: Sweet Mama Jama. LANE: I got to wake Tanna.
Wait. Denouement.
LUKE: I'll be up when I can. WOMAN: Whatever. I'll entertain myself.
- He sent her upstairs. - Weird.
What do you think? An early morning tryst with the county dominatrix?
- Does she have a bag? - No.
Then where would all her dominatrix stuff be?
Maybe they're using the stuff he keeps on hand?
- Fishing pole? - Nolan Ryan's rookie card?
- Mystery. - Mystery.
RORY: Go ask him. PARIS: Who's your daddy?
- He's in back. - Go there and ask him.
- I have to know what's going on. - Okay.
[Dishes breaking]
LUKE: Crap!
Maybe later, I don't think now's such a good time.
- I'll talk to you later. - Later.
[Sighing]
I have a girlfriend.
Okay. Open your eyes.
- Wow. I'm stunning. - Your stylist concurs.
Wow, so organized out here.
I tidied up a bit, excess stuff went in the cabinet.
[Phone ringing]
- Impressive. - I'll get it.
- How good do I look? - Would a comedic reply crush you?
- Probably. - Terrif.
RORY: Where's the phone? PARIS: Buried somewhere.
- Tanna's gonna knock boys out today. - With sheer peculiarity?
I am hoping that one boy notices.
- Chester Fleet. - Chester Fleet?
His father was instrumental in conducting research...
showing that neurons in the brain fire actively during REM sleep...
except for nerve cells involved with the transmitter chemicals...
serotonin and norepinephrine.
I forgot the first part of that sentence...
by the time you finished. But I say jump him.
TANNA: Thanks, Lane. See you later. RORY: Finally.
- Hello? - Hi, Rory. It's Jamie. How you doing?
Good, Jamie. It's been a while. How's the second-best school in the country?
Princeton's fine.
Hard, not as easy as slacker schools like Yale.
- I assume you're looking for Paris. - Yeah.
I'm in town for a couple days, so I'll probably see you.
Great, here she is.
I was just stepping out the door. What's up? Fine.
Your hotel room's good? Good.
Probably not tonight, unfortunately. Things are really bad on my end.
I know. I'm so sorry, but tonight was tentative, remember?
Tonight wasn't set in stone.
Well, I'm dead tired, I have tons of studying to do...
and we have a little drama going on here in the suite.
Rory's small-town friend, Lane, is crashing with us.
She got kicked out of her house, and she's in pretty bad shape.
She's pretty heavy into the drugs, totally Nancy Spungening it...
chasing the dragon.
I kind of have to be here for support. The chick's bouncing off the walls.
Yeah. Tomorrow. Sure, absolutely.
Tonight was tentative, Jamie. I'm sure I told you to pencil it in.
Pencil. Okay. Bye.
- What? - Nothing.
I had to say something like that. He doesn't respond to the fact...
that I have to study, which I do. I'm seeing him tomorrow, anyway.
- What's "chasing the dragon"? - I've got to go.
I don't think you should be saying that, 'cause it might get around...
[Car honking]
Take it easy!
Jerk.
[Men speaking Japanese on car phone]
Gentlemen, there is no way to 100% avoid liability...
for on-site accidents at any of your plants.
It is unfortunate, but international accords preclude it.
- Can you please translate, Mr. Watanabe? - Okay.
[Watanabe speaking Japanese]
- I'm sorry. - What happened to taking the morning off?
I have the morning off. Japan does not have the morning off.
Here. Care to join me?
With all these Japanese businessmen in the car? Kinky.
WATANABE: "Kinky. "I'm sorry, what is "kinky"?
You don't have to translate that, Mr. Watanabe.
- Where are we? - They must confer on this.
They really dig conferring.
Please tell them that I will call them again tomorrow.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Watanabe speaking Japanese]
Here, come on, get in. It's cold outside.
I thought we'd take my Jeep, holds more stuff.
That's good thinking.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Where are we off to today? - I've got a fabulous little list here.
Lots of places in Woodbury, and we'll have to get a newspaper.
- For... - Finding dead people.
Estate sales, got it.
Then we can hit a few places here, then grab some lunch.
Do we have time for coffee now? I haven't had any for hours.
- For hours? When did you get up? - 5:00.
They have one of those in the morning, too?
You know how Asia is not taking the morning off? Neither is Europe.
- Coffee it is, then. - Take me to that place you talk about.
- What is it? Duke's? - Duke's. Sure.
- Or we could go some place else. - Why? Why not Duke's?
- It's not so special. - You go there daily.
Yeah, but I think Duke's is closed. And it's Luke's.
Closed at 8:00 in the morning on a Friday?
Yeah, Sabbath.
- Duke's a Jew. - No, Luke's a Jew.
Sabbath's not till sundown.
He likes to get an early jump on his Sabbathing.
I bet he's open.
Okay, but you run the risk of going and discovering it's closed.
- I say live dangerously or not at all. - Yeah, you're right.
All the other coffee in town sucks. Let's just go to Duke's, which is Luke's.
- Which is Luke's? - Duke's.
What?
No, Rietgaard, those documents were FedExed to you on Wednesday.
[Speaking broken Dutch]
Shoot. Monday's Maandag...
- Tuesday's Dinsdag. How's your Dutch? - Great. I just don't like to share it.
I'll just have the office fax it all over to you today. It's okay.
Is he ice skating under a windmill? That's the picture in my head.
Okay, Rietgaard, goodbye.
[Sighing]
I'm exhausted.
- And on your morning off. - Yeah, I stink at taking the mornings off.
- Well, here we are. - Wait.
No more calls.
- Whose truck is that, Duke's? - Yeah, Luke's.
- Are they different people? - Same person.
- And that's his truck? - Yes, it's practically an appendage.
So, that would be Luke.
You like to do a lot of research before getting a cup of coffee.
That's the doorknob. It twists to the right. Come on.
- What is with you? - I'm not in the mood for coffee anymore.
- You were jonesing not five minutes ago. - It's passed.
- My 5:00 a.m. coffee's kicked in again. - You drink time-release coffee?
It's all the rage.
- I want coffee. - I'll wait for you here.
What is with you?
I was kind of tailgating Duke on the drive in.
- You were tailgating Luke? - Pretty rudely. There was honking.
I didn't know it was Duke.
- How fast was he going? - Snail's speed. Like, 20.
The speed limit here is 12.
This is one of the problems I have with small towns.
You tailgate a guy in Manhattan, you're not gonna see him again.
You tailgate a guy in a small town, he is the keeper of the coffee.
- And he is looking at us. - Who? Luke?
- Is that his name? - Yes!
- Don't look at him. - This is ridiculous!
- Okay, go. - Where?
- Anywhere else for coffee, please. - Okay.
- Why are we stopping? - The next best coffee is at this place.
Okay, please find us coffee at least 50 yards away from Duke's.
Okay, finding it 50 yards from Luke's is another matter.
- Hey, Rory. - Jamie, hi.
Sorry to pounce on you like this.
It's okay, you're not pouncing. Wanna sit?
Thanks.
Listen, do you...
Do I what?
Look, I need to find out what's up with Paris...
- and I don't know who else to ask. - Oh.
I had to rearrange a million things to come here...
and I could only manage two days, and now she won't see me.
You're gonna see her tomorrow, aren't you?
- If she doesn't cancel. - She's not gonna cancel.
- She wouldn't. - She's been canceling plans for weeks.
She's not calling me as much.
- I know. I sound pathetic. - No, you don't.
And Paris has been so busy. You've been a college freshman.
- You know what that entails. - Yeah.
Plus, I heard her telling you about my friend Lane.
She's been living in our suite...
and it's been really unfair to all my roommates.
What is "chasing the dragon"?
I don't know, but that's what Lane said she's been doing.
She's a cold turkey now. Going it...
I mean, cold turkey.
And Paris has been really great helping out.
- Has she been seeing someone else? - Not that I know of.
I'll let you go. Thanks. This actually helped.
Good. It will get better, Jamie. I really think that.
Good.
It's my birthday.
Oh, wow. Happy birthday.
Thanks.
- Hey. - Yeah.
- You forget about me? - No, I'm just real, real busy, that's all.
- Looks like a lull to me. - It can be deceptive.
- Kirk, you want another piece of pie? - No, I'm fine...
and this is the commencement of your classic mid-morning lull.
People off to work, kids off to school.
You may not have another soul in here for half an hour.
It gets peaceful, quiet, kind of like a sweet death.
He's trippy.
- Sure you don't want anything? - A spider monkey...
but there's probably nothing you can do about it.
- Cool. Come on. - Coming, sis.
Liz?
- Liz? - I'm in the closet.
- Oh, my God. It's still here. - What's still there?
- My pot. - Your what?
I used to stash it in the hall back behind Daddy's files...
'cause it's the one place he wouldn't look.
- Isn't that wild? It's still here. - Will you give me that?
Relax, will you? I don't do that anymore.
- What are you doing? - I'm putting it away.
- Throw it in the trash. - So the garbage man can see it?
Isn't Haywood Donnelly still the garbage man?
- Well, hell. He sold it to me. - I'll get rid of it, okay, Liz?
Okay, Luke.
Boy, you look good.
What about me? Don't I look good?
- You look fine. - I do not look fine. I look good.
- I am good. I'm really good, Luke. - Well, I'm glad.
- I made us some coffee. - I don't drink coffee.
Sit down and watch me drink it, then. Just for a minute.
Look at us, catching up and all.
I haven't seen you in two years.
- Three years. - Wow.
Liz, I gotta know why you're here.
To see you. I missed you.
I did. Plus, it's my 20th high school reunion this Saturday.
I thought maybe I'd come back and check out...
what the rest of the Class of '84 is up to.
- You're going to the reunion? - I even sent in a picture for the program.
Wrote a little thing about myself, about how things are going good...
I have a great job...
I just moved into a really cool apartment with a big patio...
so I can finally get a dog. Plus, I have got...
- Wait, let me guess. A new boyfriend. - Yes.
And this one, let me guess...
is different from the others.
- I dare say, he might even be the one. - Yeah.
- Come on, Liz. - You should meet him.
As long as, unlike the others, he leaves your TV when he takes off...
I'll love him.
Okay, fine. You have good reason to think...
Good reasons? Liz, every time you find "the one"...
you wind up with your bank account cleaned out...
your stuff missing...
and crying on the phone to me to bail you out...
which I do, happily.
But you'll understand if I hold off on planning for the bachelor party.
Sure.
Well.
Anyway, let's talk about something else.
Yes, let's talk about something else. You said you had a new job.
Yes, I do. I'm making my own jewelry...
beaded necklaces and earrings, some crystal.
Getting into feathers now. I'm really good.
Very big on the Renaissance Faire circuit.
What's that?
Where I sell them, the Renaissance Faire circuit.
It's a total trip. I wear the long skirt, I have a hat...
one of those corsets that squish my boobs all up high.
And I yell, "Huzzah for the tipper!"
That's your great new job?
Selling earrings at the Renaissance Faire?
I know it sounds flaky...
What? "Huzzah for the tipper" with your squished-up boobs. Not flaky at all.
- Look, I have to go back to work. - Luke, come on.
Liz, you're selling earrings in a booth, and you hooked up with another winner.
You don't even know him.
What about your son? What about Jess? You talk to him lately?
You notice he's not even here?
He sent me a letter. He's with his father.
- That's the extent of the contact? - He's 19. You can't tell him anything.
- You definitely can't if you don't try. - I tried.
No, I tried. You gave up.
I thought you'd be better for him than I was.
Oh, yeah. I was great for him. I gave him a place to crash...
while he lied to me about everything, about going to school, Wal-Mart.
- You know I stole his car? - You what?
At night, I break into his car...
stealing it and hiding it in Dad's old garage.
- Why? - Why? 'Cause I'm crazy.
'Cause I think, now he'll have to go to school.
Now he'll have to graduate.
Oh, well, we saw how that turned out.
He ran off to live with the bum who abandoned him.
That's how great a job I did.
- You tried. - I'm great at trying, aren't I?
I know you have a lot of work to do, so I'm gonna go.
- Where are you staying? - With Carrie Duncan.
- Crazy Carrie Duncan? - She's not crazy. She just likes the boys.
- I'll say. - You should talk.
You made out with her at the homecoming game.
I did not.
I did not make out with Crazy Carrie Duncan...
at the homecoming game.
It was really good to see you, and you do look good.
I will make sure Carrie knows that.
Wait. The tracking says it's in Atlanta. What is it doing in Atlanta?
- Who's this country that speaks English? - America.
Every day she learns something new.
Okay, Dennis, it is time to get proactive on this.
Mild-mannered Jason Stiles suddenly darted into a phone booth...
ripped off his shirt, and became Proactive Man.
I'm sorry. I didn't get that last part.
Proactive wherever there's activity of a pro nature.
Dennis, just do this.
A messenger is coming in an hour to pick up the box with the checks.
The box with the checks is in the drawer by the floor.
The vessel with the pestle holds the brew that is true.
- I'm sorry. I'm kind of distracted. - Get off the phone.
It's the last one, I promise. Two minutes, tops.
Two minutes and I'll throw it in the lake.
- There's a lake? - We just drove by the lake.
I missed the lake. Can we drive by it again later?
Two minutes.
[Lorelai sighing]
[Mrs. Kim chattering]
My deliveryman is very good, very dependable.
He will call you with a two-hour window.
Let me check his availability.
- Hi, Mrs. Kim. - Lorelai.
Wow, you've got a lot of new stuff in here.
She's fine. She's at Yale with Rory.
Here it is.
Let's see, we have Monday between 1:00 and 3:00 open.
Great.
No. I don't see any reason that can't work out.
Okay, I'm sorry, but Europe, Asia, Africa, and wherever Bjork's from...
have to do without you today. I'm putting the kibosh on the phone.
I'm sorry, mister, but I am clicking that thing off myself.
No, I'm still here, Emily.
There's just a lot of commotion around me.
No, I'm not in the office. I took the morning off.
Yes, Richard deserves a morning off, too.
Okay. I'll see you at the hotel. Okay. Bye.
I pulled a muscle waving at you.
How was I supposed to know you were talking to my mother?
It was a very personal wave.
It was a big, broad, over-the-top personal wave.
- She called you? - She called me.
Are you doing a Mrs. Robinson thing with my mother?
Yes. I was visiting Richard one day, and he stepped out...
and Emily lit a cigarette and did the triangle thing with her thigh...
Well, you said hotel.
She wants me to come to some charity thing at a hotel tomorrow.
[Cellular phone ringing]
Wait. If I cannot be on the phone, then you cannot be on the phone.
- Hello. - Lorelai, it's me.
Lorelai Gilmore is a hypocrite.
- Hello, Emily. - Why are you calling me Emily?
'Cause that's your name. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same.
- Who was that yelling? - No one you'd know. What's up?
I'm having trouble filling these eight seats your father bought...
for the rare manuscript acquisition charity dinner tomorrow night.
This is Jason.
That's the same man I heard before. Is he harassing you?
Yes, I'm on the street. Get away, you. It's just insanity out here today.
That's not good. Walk down a different street.
Turning the corner now. So there's a manuscript thing?
Yes, it's a fundraiser, and we're stuck.
- And I'm desperate for attendees. - I'll go. Sure. Yes.
- Really? - I'll be there. How much do I give?
Nothing. We've already paid.
Okay, leave the details on where to meet up and all on the home machine.
I will. Thank you. And please get out of the street.
I will. Bye.
Okay, bye. Did she hear me?
Yes, but she thinks you're a raving street loon.
This is exactly the reason why I hate hiding relationships.
We're gonna get caught.
We can't tell them.
- This was just a freak occurrence. - This is destined to be repeated.
- They'll be mad that I hid it. - They'll be madder the longer you hide it.
They'll screw things up. I don't want that. I like us.
But it's inevitable. They're gonna see us together some place.
Or a traffic report'll take pictures of cars
on the expressway, we'll be in the car...
and Richard will be watching the news, and he will see us.
So, barring some sort of Star Trek-like cloaking device...
which was problematic in every incarnation of Star Trek...
I remember Kirk complaining about it, Picard complaining about it...
- they will see us, and we'll get caught. - I'm very uncomfortable dating a Trekkie.
I just, I don't feel good about this. It makes me very nervous.
I had a difficult phone call this morning with our Japanese partners...
and I didn't break a sweat.
I had that testy call from the client in California, not a drop.
But your mother calls, and I am soaked through.
- On your morning off, too. I'm sorry. - That's okay.
Do you want me to wring your shirt out for you?
No, it's old. And I like us, too, by the way,
which is why I feel so strongly about this.
I know.
- I'm not mad. - I know that, too.
And I'll do whatever you want. You know them better than I.
I'll tell them.
- Really? - Yes.
Tonight's our Friday night dinner.
Dad's gone, but starting with Emily might be for the best.
- I could talk to Richard, if you want. - No, it's my thing. I'll do it.
- Good. Look, phone is off. - Good. Let's go buy some furniture.
So, you're just sitting here watching TV.
I'm studying. Look at Ted Kennedy. I've always admired him as a senator...
but you see him and think it's just so unfair that fat men look good in suits.
Girls gain a couple of pounds and every piece of fashion betrays it.
Off. I want to talk to you about your boyfriend situation.
Jamie?
I'm sorry, I should have said "boyfriends."
You mean a certain other fellow.
I want to talk about you having an affair with Prof. Asher Flemming...
and at the same time, stringing along poor Jamie...
- with no concern for his feelings. - It's not an affair.
Affair, relationship, fling, tête-à-tête, whatever you want to call it.
- I'm very surprised by this. - How so?
You've never wanted to discuss Asher before.
Well, I don't particularly want to discuss him now...
but I'm forced to.
I just ran into Jamie, and he's wandering around, lonely...
missing you, scared of losing you, and you're sitting here watching C-SPAN.
Nobody watches C-SPAN. It's just on in the background.
You've got to choose, Paris. It's become pretty clear...
that the whatever-you-call-it with the Professor is not a short-lived thing.
I'd say that's accurate. You can just call him Asher.
He's my teacher, so I think I'll stick with Professor.
- Professor just makes him sound old. - He is old.
He's 60. Today's 60 is what 50 was 20 years ago.
- He's got the body of a 40-year-old. - I don't want to talk about his body.
I know we've got a May-December romance going on here.
This is not May-December. This is May-Ming Dynasty.
An age difference like this is very common.
People dating people the same age are passé now.
My grandfather introduced you to him. Do you see how awkward this is for me?
- Hot men tend to run in packs. - Do not ever say anything like that again.
Mary, you are such a prude.
Well, at least I'm not mean to people who love me.
- Where is your heart? - I've mishandled the Jamie situation.
He just can't take a hint.
You've got to do something. One of us here does care about Jamie...
- and I think it's me. - I know.
- He's my first real boyfriend. - You got lucky with him.
And he's crazy about me, never quite figured out why.
Don't get self-deprecating, it's obnoxious.
He's been so forgiving. I've been pretty mean.
Just talk to him and see how it goes.
Hey, it's me. We've got to end this. Now.
There's just no reason to prolong it. I'm sorry you came all the way out here.
Rory showed me the light.
She made me see that there's just no point in going on.
She came home and we talked. She's here if you want to ask her yourself.
Do not give me that phone.
Anyhow, I'm really sorry, Jamie. Really. Bye.
That had all the tact of a Nazi storm trooper.
- It was your idea. - Breaking up was not my idea.
He'd be stupid if he thought that's why I'd do it.
This was good. It was right. I'm glad I did it.
You can have the TV, if you want.
Hello, Luke. Getting cold again, isn't it?
It's that unpredictable time of year, Mrs. Cassini.
- Stay warm. - Yeah, you, too.
LUKE: It's a Rambler Ambassador. Four-door, rusty brown...
pretty much a beat-up clunker.
No. I don't know how long it's been missing.
I mean, I saw it for sure last week.
No, I don't drive it much. It's a second car, okay?
Just...
Just call me when you find it. Thanks. Bye.
- Hey. - Hey.
Tanna told me that that Chester guy liked her hair and asked her out.
- She's throwing up now. - Good for her.
- Going somewhere? - Home for the weekend.
Just to get away from me?
I've got dinner at my grandma's tonight, obligatory thing...
then our town's having its firelight festival tomorrow...
which I haven't missed since I was one.
So not seeing you, quite frankly, is just a fringe benefit.
Would it make you feel any better...
- if I told you how awful I feel? - No.
- I don't understand why you're so upset. - I know you don't.
I tried to call Jamie again. He won't pick up.
- Can you blame him? - No, I know I let it go too long.
I just wasn't sure what Asher was thinking at first.
I wasn't sure if it was just a fling for him.
But over the past few weeks, he's been mentioning stuff about the future.
He's spending a month teaching a couple courses at Oxford over the summer...
and then he asked me what I planned to do over the summer.
There was a definite implication that he was wondering...
if I was available during the summer.
I think he might ask me to go with him to Oxford.
- Why else would he ask? - Beats me.
- I'm not counting my chickens. - Good thinking.
- But it is the first indication. - Look, I've got to hit the road.
It was his accent that did it. I'm such the total anglophile.
When I was a kid, I was in love with Neil Kinnock...
former head of the Labour Party? Teeth like a horse, but that voice.
- Then it was Roger Moore. - English accents are nice.
He TiVo's FRONTLINE.
- Who does? - Asher.
- So we can watch it together. - Terrific.
You don't think he meant we would be together?
- I wasn't there. - I'm not counting my chickens.
- I think that's smart. - I never wanted to hurt Jamie.
I just don't know how to do these things. I'm not very nice sometimes.
I hope Asher doesn't see that in me.
I didn't mean to hold you up. Have a good weekend.
I just want you to be happy. You know that, right?
Thanks. I'm happy.
[Pop music playing on stereo]
Mom? Hello?
Rory. Good. I did not suddenly go half-deaf.
Were you supposed to meet me here?
- No. I'm a surprise. - As was your conception.
- I'll just be two minutes. - As was your conception.
- How was your day with Jason? - Fun. He makes me laugh.
- I like that. - He's very off-center.
It's been awhile since I've been with someone off-center.
- Cool. - I'm telling Mom tonight about us.
I think Grandma knows you're my mother.
- About me and Jason. - Very brave.
Yeah. Jason's wanted to from the beginning.
It's the mature thing to do and that's why I didn't want to do it, but it's time.
- That's weird. - What's weird?
- This. - Bread is weird?
It's weird when it's here. It does not make a good snack.
It does when you add stuff to it, like cheese.
- You have cheese? - Yeah.
It's not Donner Pass, Rory. We have cheese.
- It's like a freaking cornucopia. - It's just stuff.
- There's the cheese. - Why are you making this such a big deal?
Because we never had real food the whole time I was growing up.
We always had food. This fridge was never empty.
Yeah, we had leftovers from takeout. Cold pizza, Luke's fries...
but never stuff you had to assemble.
- Chill out on the inquiries. - Is that a cucumber?
You would make a terrible private investigator.
You get hung up on all sorts of dumb stuff that does not matter.
- Come on. We're late. I'll drive. - Sounds good.
- Oh, my God. Is that a tomato? - Enough already, let's go.
My girls are arriving together.
- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Grandma.
- You smell like coffee. - We haven't had any.
It's so strong.
Okay, Mom, I really don't like you sniffing me.
Hey, where's Grandpa tonight?
He's in Manhattan, having dinner with clients. He just called.
They're at some restaurant near Times Square.
He said Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner.
They didn't stumble upon one prostitute the whole night.
Yeah, I heard the Disney Company had them all killed.
What I don't understand is why Jason wouldn't make this trip instead.
- He's maybe busy with his own thing. - I know for a fact he wasn't.
Richard said he took the whole morning off.
Everyone deserves an occasional morning off.
Richard never takes a morning off. He's up every day at 5:30...
on the phone, then it's out the door to the office.
I bet Jason doesn't roll out of bed until 8:00.
On the contrary, he probably gets up earlier than 8:00.
I would think that he would have to, to keep up with Dad.
- Makes sense. - Just a guess.
I just find that boy so irritating.
He's always trying to get in good with me, complimenting me, agreeing with me.
He's absolutely prostrating himself at my feet. It's so weak.
You're a formidable opponent, Mom.
They don't call you the Idi Amin of the DAR for nothing.
He's so grating about it.
- I'm never fully comfortable around him. - You should maybe try harder.
I try, but every time I see him, a new facet of his Jasonness comes out.
It's good to have facets. There's probably a lot you don't know about him.
I'm sure about that. You two would be perfect for each other.
- What? Who? Me and Jason? - A match made in heaven.
- Thanks a lot. - Don't get upset.
Mother, you just spent the last five minutes...
listing every off-putting quality Jason has, real or imagined...
and then you put me on his level and say we're perfect together.
What's so funny?
I'm sorry.
Did I miss something? Did a clown come in behind me and start doing funny pratfalls?
Just the idea of you and Jason together is funny.
- It's funny. - It's very funny.
I just said it as a joke.
- You said it as a joke. - You took it so seriously.
- But why is it so funny? - Well, think about it.
I am. I'm just trying to figure out what you're thinking.
- It's obvious. - It's not obvious to me or to Rory.
- Rory's wondering, aren't you? - Yeah. Why is that so funny, Grandma?
It would just be so ludicrous.
Why? Because he's a hardworking guy, from what I know.
I'm sorry. You're making me laugh even harder about this.
I just said it offhand.
- I know. - Martini?
You didn't have to shake it much with all that laughing.
You know, the laughing just shook it on up for you.
It's good to laugh like that once a while.
Yeah. I know.
You okay? You didn't tell her.
Next time? How are your motor skills? I'll drive.
- Luke. - Hey, Coop.
Good news, found the car.
Good. Who would steal that thing? It's just a hunk of junk.
It broke down on the expressway a few hours ago. The guy was in it.
- You got the guy? - Yeah.
But there's not a lot we can do. He's the owner.
- I'm the owner. - Not according to the registration.
- It's registered to a... - Jess Mariano.
Yep, says you're his uncle.
Registration's long expired, too, needs seeing to.
But I just figured, since this seems like a family matter...
I'd bring the car and the kid back to you.
Yeah, a family matter.
COOP: Where do you want it? LUKE: Right there's fine.
JESS: This wasn't my idea. COOP: You'll take care of the registration?
- Yeah, thanks, Coop. - Yeah, thanks, Coop.
Let's go, Frank.
- Look who's back. - I'm just here to retrieve my property.
You got a lot of nerve.
How so?
You stole my car. Coop should've arrested you.
- Why didn't he arrest you? - Free doughnuts.
Beautiful.
- So you got anything you want to say? - You could've washed it once in a while.
Okay, fine. The car is yours. Our business here is done.
- Hasta la vista. Have a nice life. - Our business here is not done.
- My car is wrecked because of you. - Oh, yeah?
Three of the tires are leaking. It's got no oil.
The floats in the carburetor are probably cracked. It's backfiring like mad.
People were ducking when I was driving by.
Then it stalled and wouldn't start.
You can find Mr. Goodwrench in the Yellow Pages.
I think it's under "M" or is it "G"? I can never tell with those kinds of things.
- You're paying for the repairs. - Don't make me laugh.
It's broken because of you.
The thing was a piece of junk to begin with.
The paint's holding it together.
And the expired registration? I'm gonna have to pay a fine.
- I guess it didn't work out with your dad? - It worked out fine.
What are you doing back East, buddy?
- Still searching? - Been traveling.
Thanks for all the swell cards and letters you sent while you were away.
You kicked me out. What were you expecting, a candygram?
I didn't kick you out. You got yourself kicked out.
Nice spin, you should work for Bush.
What did you get out of this Kerouac trip of yours?
You write the great American novel? Learned the harmonica?
What do you care? You're not my guardian anymore.
And I bless every day that I'm not.
When you're not good at something, it's best to cut and run.
Sorry I tried to give you a decent life, Jess.
Sorry I didn't think driving a forklift for the rest of your life...
- was good enough for you. - That is condescending, isn't it?
I thought you were a friend of the workingman.
That sister of mine, what a prize.
What does she have to do with any of this?
I tell her about the car, she runs and tells you.
That's what happened, right? And her claiming she had no contact.
Again, the car is mine. Liz was doing the right thing.
- That's what family does. - Family? What a joke coming from you.
- Go clean your counters. I'm tired. - You staying in town?
I don't know of any 24-hour auto shops around here, do you?
You're not staying with me.
- It didn't cross my mind. - Get it fixed, quick.
Believe me, no one wants it fixed faster than me.
You stay away from her while you're here.
- Stay away from who? - You know who I mean.
You're so cryptic.
You've done all the damage there you're gonna, okay?
I'm here to get my car, and then I'm gone.
- Where are you staying? - The backseat's as comfy as anywhere.
Fine.
- Please do not say that word again. - It's a free country.
Just say "hot chocolate" or say nothing at all.
- Terrific. Hocho. - I hate that. It's so cutesy-mutesy.
Do you hate it as much as my favorite summer treat?
- Don't. - Nice cold fro yo.
Stop. Who are you calling?
I'm calling Jason. I promised I would check in.
- Hello. - I'm dying here. How'd it go?
Well, it didn't. Sorry.
You chicken out?
It's a long story. The timing was very bad.
- You chickened out. - No. Yeah, kind of.
- Lorelai, we've got to do it. - The timing has to be right.
It's gonna be awkward no matter when you do it.
Not if they're both unconscious.
Then you'll be dealing with why your parents are unconscious...
and doctors' consultations, and phoning friends and relatives.
Timing is bad there, too.
Listen, trust me, this was not good timing.
And I swear to you, there will be much better timing in the near future.
Near is near. I can't define it more than that.
It's closer than far. How's that?
I don't believe this.
Honey, I got to call you back, okay? Bye.
- Is that... - Yes.
I don't believe this.
LORELAI: What is he doing here? RORY: What is he doing there?
- Asleep in his car. Is he living in it? - I don't see stuff.
- Does Luke know he's here? - Well, I know what you know.
He may not know.
It's in front of his place. How can he not know?
It's freezing out here. He could die.
- He must not know. - Or doesn't care.
- Think David Blaine put him up to this? - Why is he here? Why did he come back?
Light's still on in there.
Luke's in there. Should we go talk to him?
No. It's too weird.
- And it's... It's weird. - It's definitely weird.
I'll just see you at home, 'cause I don't want to deal with this.
Hey, come on in.
- Are you aware of who's out there? - Yeah, I'm aware.
That he's sleeping in his car? And it's about 35 degrees?
- He's a tough guy. He can take it. - Luke, why is he back here?
- Because I'm stupid. - Meaning?
His mom showed up. For what reason, I don't know.
I'm still waiting for that shoe to drop.
I mentioned Jess' car, then, boom, there's Jess.
So, the mystery woman from this morning, that's Liz?
In all her glory.
- Quite a day you've had. - It's been delightful.
I think Bobby McFerrin's gonna write...
one of those happy boo-boop-dee-doo songs of his about this.
She lied to me about having contact with Jess...
so she's lying about everything else.
- But why is he sleeping in his car? - Because he's gonna wait to have it fixed.
It's a point of pride with the little punk.
Please, don't tell Rory. He'll be gone tomorrow. No reason to upset her.
- She's already seen him. - Oh, man.
She's fine, Luke. She's over it.
He won't go near her, I'll make sure of that.
Again, I don't think it's necessary.
- She can fend for herself. - What a lie it all is!
- All what is? - Families. They're just messes.
It's like a spilled drink that keeps
spilling and you got to keep cleaning it up.
You scrub and you scrub, and you just can't get the stain up.
Show me a happy family, just one.
Didn't that Tolstoy guy say something about families?
It's a famous thing he said.
It's like, "All families are unhappy"...
or "Happy on the surface, unhappy in the same way."
Sounds a little incomplete.
Maybe he couldn't complete it 'cause he was dealing with his stinking family.
The Hallmark people know about you? You're a natural.
God, I'm tired of cleaning up messes.
I'm tired of helping people who do nothing to help themselves.
I'm sorry you're so upset.
I don't want you to have to deal with a frozen carcass in the morning.
- He'll be fine. - Okay.
Try to get some rest, okay? Relax.
Watch a little TV. No family shows.
Yeah, I'm going up now.
Bye.
[Man chattering on TV]
[Lorelai sighing]
- Hey. - Hey.
- So you want an update? - I guess.
It's a whole thing.
Mystery woman from this morning, Jess' mom.
[Exclaiming]
It's still a mystery, though. Luke's not quite sure what she's up to.
She came with Jess?
She called him or something. It's very confusing.
Luke was not in an expansive storytelling mood.
All he knows is that Jess said he came for his car...
and he's not leaving without it.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Which means he might be here part of the day tomorrow.
- So, danger, Will Robinson. - I can live with it, really.
- That's what I told Luke. - Good.
Okay. So I'm gonna go upstairs, get warm. Good night.
Before you go, what happened to our movie channels?
What do you mean?
I was flipping through the cable, and a bunch of our channels are gone.
- That's not right. - And you have bread.
- There's a connection? - You skimping? Cutting back on things?
Cable, eating out, the bread, the cheese, the tomato?
Okay. If you're gonna try me in a court of law...
the bread, the tomato, and I need to hire a lawyer.
There's no takeout in the fridge, no takeout containers in the trash.
Are you going through the trash?
And I'm not seeing the stacks of magazines lying around.
- We always subscribe to everything. - Yes, we do.
I read them all. They're in the recycle bin. Go check.
It even seems a little darker in here...
like you're using a lower-watt bulb or something.
Oh, my God, you're reading into everything.
- You're not having money problems? - No.
I'm not gonna be on the Fortune 500 list anytime soon, but I'm fine.
- With the Inn and everything. - Yes. We're getting a horse.
- Cool. And food for the horse? - He'll be well-fed.
Just as long as you're well-fed, too.
I'll call the cable company in the morning. We should get those channels.
- You'd tell me, right? - Yes.
- Good night. - Good night, angel.
JESS: Go away.
- What? - I'm spending the night with Nicole.
- Thanks for the update. - The hidden key's still there.
You can stay here and freeze to death if you want, or you can go inside.
I don't really give a damn, makes no difference to me.
I'm fine.