RORY: This is humiliating.
LORELAI: No, we passed humiliating two minutes ago.
Luke's gonna be out of doughnuts by the time we get there.
I don't know why he won't buy six extra-sprinkled ones...
so we'd never have the conversation...
which we're going to have if we ever get there.
I've got school in two hours. I won't make it.
Kirk, how are you doing? You sure?
You seem to be having a little trouble forming words there.
[Strained] No. Fine... Me.
You don't have to take us all the way to Luke's.
- Yes, Kirk, listen to her. - I offered you the first ride...
in Kirk's new Stars Hollow pedicab, and that is exactly what you're gonna get.
Okay.
Time just whizzes by when you're riding in a pedicab.
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Gypsy.
- Gypsy just out-strolled us. - We gotta get out of here.
- How are we doing back there? - We're doing fine, Kirk.
I figure this baby's gonna be a real money...
A real money? Money what, Kirk?
- Kirk, can you breathe? - Talk to us.
Hit the handlebars three times if you can breathe...
and two if you can't.
- He hit once. - What does once mean?
That he couldn't make it to twice?
- Kirk, stop, please. - Just for a second.
Then we'll be on our way. Like the wind.
Okay, you know what, Kirk? This has been really fun...
but I think we'll just hoof it the rest of the way.
- But the ride wasn't over. - We don't want to hog the cab.
- Since there's only one. - We'll tell our friends.
What was wrong with the ride?
Nothing. It's great for tourists who are new to the town...
and want to make sure they don't miss a thing.
I wasn't going that slow.
No, you just maybe need a little more training...
before tourist season kicks in.
Take a spinning class or buy some legs.
- Sorry, Kirk. - You will be sorry.
You'll be sorry you turned down a chance...
- to ride in Stars Hollow's first... - Now he's gonna hate us forever.
No, he's not. He'll just hate us till something shiny comes by.
Well, well...
I guess it wasn't me that was slowing things down.
I guess it was my big, fat cargo. Freshman 15!
- Can't wait to get my doughnuts! - Stay away from my doughnut, Kirk!
I mean it. It's my doughnut! Freak!
Might as well stick your head in a sugar bowl.
If you can find one big enough.
You can't eat like that forever, you know?
- What are you getting? - All-Bran. Asher turned me on to it.
He's a romantic.
He wants me to live a long time and be healthy. That is romantic.
Okay. Just a joke. No reflection on your man-friend.
So after breakfast, I'll pick up the sign for our table...
and then I'll meet you in the courtyard.
- Antioxidants. - I'll meet you in the courtyard.
I'm actually really excited about this.
It's our first social protest of significance in college.
I know, it's so exciting.
We actually get to do something important...
make a difference, have a say in the world.
Wouldn't it be amazing if we could get one Burmese prisoner released...
- because of our petition? - You think small. Let's get them all out.
- Even the guilty ones. - Hell, yes.
Seriously? Because that'd be great, really great.
So I'll pick you up at 7:00, Saturday morning.
- Okay, Glenn. - Thank you, seriously.
No problem, Glenn.
This is a turning point.
You know how you have them, when even the angry voices in your head...
- have to shut up for just a minute? - Sure.
Why is he so happy?
I couldn't get away earlier for spring break.
My friends are leaving without me.
I need a ride, Glenn has a van, and there you go.
You're going to Florida with a guy...
who's bummed he got turned down by that German cannibal?
That was just a rumor and, yes, I'm desperate.
Glenn's not that bad. You'll be fine.
There's room in the van if you guys need a ride.
No, thank you. I don't think we're gonna do...
the whole spring-break thing.
Ever since I broke up with Moondoggie, soaking up the rays isn't the same.
It'll be really fun. You're missing out.
I'm not a spring break kind of gal, but thank you for the offer.
Okay, but if you change your mind...
Gary Gilmore's got room in the car. Got it.
Janet, if you have a chance, you should stop by...
and sign our petition for political prisoners in Burma.
I'll try. I have to run out and get a new bathing suit...
- before my class this afternoon. - Okay.
Think of all the tortured souls festering in Burma...
while you're at the size-two rack.
I hate that she's thin.
Hi, Luke.
I saw you come in. I was gonna get to you.
Sorry.
If you don't like the service, you can go elsewhere.
- Who could not like the service? - I'm busy. You ready to order?
- Coffee for now. Is everything okay? - You're not gonna eat?
I just came in for coffee and to show you something.
We got the sample stationery and postcards for the inn.
- What? - The stationery and the postcards...
you leave in the guest's room...
so that they can write a letter home saying:
"Having a great time, wish you were here," which they don't...
because you were what they were trying to get away from.
- Nobody uses that stuff. - Sure they do.
I have never once stayed in a hotel...
and used the stationery or written a postcard.
- Are you gonna order? - I did order, and what is with you?
Nothing, I'm fine. The paper is fine. The postcards are fine.
Why are you showing them to me?
Because you're an investor in the inn.
I want to keep you apprised of the goings-on.
- I am not an investor. I loaned you money. - That is what investors do.
- An investor goes to meetings. - We're having a meeting.
- They're involved in business decisions. - Hello. Stationery. Decide. Yes, no?
I'll get your coffee.
- Do you want to talk about it? - What?
Whatever it is that's put you in this charming mood.
[Clearing throat]
- I'm not wearing my socks. - What?
- I'm not wearing my socks. - So, what are those, someone else's?
- Yes. - What?
- I'm wearing someone else's socks. - I'm sorry, I need more.
- I spent the night at Nicole's place. - Also known as your place.
Got up a little late, grabbed a pair of socks, and was halfway to work...
when I realized they were someone else's socks.
And you're sure about this?
If there's one thing in this life I am sure about, it's my socks.
I buy the same brand in bulk, and I've been doing this forever.
My socks are all white with a red stripe.
These are white with a gold stripe and some sort of fruity padding in the toe.
- Maybe they're Jess' socks. - They are not Jess' socks.
Maybe when you went to the Laundromat...
someone accidentally left a pair of socks in the dryer...
- and then your... - I don't go to a Laundromat.
Maybe they're Nicole's socks. You know, her gym socks or...
- You're not wearing your socks. - I am not wearing my socks.
RORY: Show your support for the Burmese prisoners.
Sign up now. Take a stand.
This bowl of rice is all a Burmese prisoner gets to eat in a day.
One bowl, that's it. No butter or soy sauce...
Enjoy your Maxim. You couldn't read that in Burma!
- I'm freezing. - Me, too.
Look at all these hypocrites passing by.
Everyone claims to be so politically aware...
but not one person can stop by for two seconds...
to sign a stupid petition.
- People suck. You all suck! - Paris, the rice!
Great, we have one prop, and it's blowing away.
- You knocked it over. - You put it in front of me.
How was I to know you'd jump out of your seat like a maniac?
You know me. You room with me. You should've known.
- Hey, Rory, Paris. - Glenn, I'm so glad you stopped by...
because this is an issue that affects every person...
that has a heart and a soul.
A great injustice is being perpetrated on our watch...
and we've got to do something to stop it.
Aren't you gonna sign the petition?
No, I just needed a place to put my sandwich down.
- Is that a raindrop? - Yep.
- Out of the way. - Move!
Is it raining?
No, it's National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot.
- Wet. - Cold.
Go!
- I get the radiator. - No way.
- You got it last night. - I did not!
You took up the whole thing with your...
"Hey, Gore, do not endorse me" sweatshirt...
and my blue sweater is still soaked.
- Fine, take half. - Oh, my God, I'm cold!
- Can't stop shaking. - We're wimps.
We would last two seconds in Burma.
- At least it's warm in Burma. - Yeah. Okay, we're horrible.
This is the kind of cold you read about in a Dickens novel.
We should be in a workhouse or shilling for Fagin.
It's supposed to be spring. Why is it still cold?
It's been the coldest winter in the history of winter.
My brain, I think it's frozen. Is that possible?
And these gray skies, it's a blanket of misery.
All I can think about is getting warm. That's all I can think about.
[Thunder rumbling]
It's warm in Florida.
- What? - Nothing.
- Did you say Florida? - No.
- Yes. - Seriously?
- Maybe. - But it's spring break.
- I know. - It's girls gone wild...
and boys doing the twist.
- Are we spring-breaky people? - I don't know what we are...
but I am so cold that the thought of spending a week...
with a bunch of drunken bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys...
seems like a very good trade-off for being warm.
Warm...
Mom, where's my bathing suit?
- Do you have a bathing suit? - Of course I have a bathing suit.
- When was the last time you wore it? - I don't remember.
- Did it involve a rubber ducky? - No. I don't think.
Check the bottom drawer, and I will look in your closet.
So now, tell me again. Who's driving?
- Glenn. It's his mom's van. - And this Glenn, he's a good driver?
- I have no idea. - Kid, you've got to learn to lie.
Glenn's a very responsible guy. I'm sure it'll be fine.
- And the place you're staying is safe? - Yes.
Now you're catching on. Bathing suit!
Now we just have to find the wimple that goes with it.
Give me that, please.
Was I supposed to clear this with you first?
- Clear what with me? - Going away.
I don't know.
I mean, I don't live here anymore, so I'm not sure what the protocol is.
I think as long as I know now...
and I feel as if I have veto power, we're good.
- You have veto power? - No, I feel as if I have veto power.
- Very different statement. - Got it.
You'll call me a lot while you're there, right?
You're not worried, are you?
Because I'm just going for the sun and to read, nothing more.
I know.
It's just, it's always the good kids who've never had a drink...
that take one sip of Kahlua and fall out of a window.
So you're sad you never taught me how to drink?
Exactly.
Grab a bottle and some quarters. Let's go.
- No falling out of windows. - Not even a first-floor one.
And don't drink. After you're done not drinking...
drink tons of water and take two aspirins before bed.
- Got it. - And take Paris with you everywhere.
- Not much can happen with that girl along. - Got it.
[Car horn honking]
They're here.
Maybe they can stop by a bathing-suit store along the way.
- My suit is fine. - No, sure it is.
It's nice to be able to go from the beach to the mosque...
without having to change.
- Seriously, Paris, get out! - No. I have to drive.
You drive exactly like you look like you drive.
- What's that mean? - You speed like a maniac.
You zip in and out of lanes. You tailgate.
- They were going two miles an hour. - It was a driving-school car.
They went to school to learn a lesson.
I was just giving them their money's worth.
- Hey, guys. - Let's go.
We're on a schedule. Get away from Glenn.
- Thank God you're here. - Glenn, this is my mom.
Hi, I'm Lorelai.
Congratulations on being student of the month...
- at the Grandville Middle School. - Thanks.
- You looking forward to the beach? - Yes, I am.
You don't have to show up in what you're going to wear.
They let you change when you get there.
- I'm not cold. - No, of course not.
Could you? Thanks.
- How come Paris is driving? - Are we going through this again?
I didn't know you'd gone through it.
I can't be in a car if anybody else is driving, okay?
If I die in a car crash, it will be at my own hand.
- Hi, Paris. - Hi, Lorelai.
- Bye. No windows. - No windows.
Glenn, would you mind if Rory sits up front?
- She gets carsick. - Okay.
Airbags.
Okay have fun. Drive safely.
Let's go, and say a prayer for the roadkill.
You're a lunatic!
I shaved three hours off the MapQuest estimate.
How about a thank you? Who's in charge here?
I'm guessing pink shirts and white shorts.
I think my clothing choice has been vindicated.
Swank attire and desperation for approval. The chicks are gonna eat you up.
- It is warm. Are you feeling the warmth? - I'm definitely starting to thaw.
- Name, please. - It's under Billings.
Okay, we have you girls in Room 6.
- Room 6. Okay. And what is your name? - Jack.
Well, Jack, hello. I'm Paris, and this is Andrew.
We want to make sure that we're getting your very best room.
Actually, Room 9 has a better view, and it's closer to the ice machine.
Let's go with nine. Now, who's gonna help with our bags?
Good. Okay, those four bags. Rory, your book bag?
Sure.
- I'm gonna go for a run. - Now?
Just a short one around the block.
She looks so normal, and then that happens.
Come on.
Paris Geller, Room 9. Remember that.
A lot of people make the mistake of tipping at the end of a trip.
But I always tip as you go along.
That way, they never know when the honey pot dries up...
and it keeps them from going through your stuff and robbing you blind.
Paris Geller, Room 9. Remember that.
Man, look at that. We're right on the ocean.
Paris, look at it. It's right there.
I see it. We're in Room 9.
Feel free to keep the sheets clean and the towels coming.
Okay, not bad.
You know what would be swell? A VCR to go with that television set.
You mind? You're aces, pal, really. I'm giving the toast at your wedding.
At least it doesn't smell bad in here.
Pull your covers down and roll on the bed.
Why?
We are sharing this room with four other girls.
Plus 10 K Barbie. We have to stake out our territory.
Yes, and then we need to up your dosage.
Look, a person comes in, they see a dent in the bed...
- possibly a hair on the pillow. - So the person's David Caruso?
They'll figure that bed is taken.
They will move on to the couch or the rollaway.
- That's insane. - Okay, suit yourself.
And I was worried I would feel stupid.
Stupid, but well rested.
- How long do we have to do this? - I think we're good.
- I'm really comfortable right now. - Yeah, me, too.
Sounds like more are arriving.
[Indistinct yelling]
- Where are you going? - To see what all the ruckus is about.
Wait for me. I like ruckus.
Man, that's a lot of people stuffed in that tiny car.
They should all be wearing Shriner hats.
Hey.
- That was subtle. - What are you talking about?
- The Joanie Loves Chachi moment. - He said hey.
- I heard. - I said hey back.
- You did. - I was being polite.
In Burma, you'd be married or brutally killed.
I'm gonna go make your bed.
Don't you dare. Man, I'm thirsty.
Root beer?
- Paris, that guy doesn't work here. - Not yet.
But look at that mug of his. It's only a matter of time.
- I overslept again. - I know.
- Why didn't you get me up? - I tried, and you bit me.
I did not bite you.
- I did bite you. Cool! - Here, eat this before it gets cold.
You made French toast?
- I had a lot of energy after my run, so... - You went running?
I had to wait for the laundry to dry, and I'd already read the papers.
- You had an entire day before I woke up. - Here, you want bacon?
You slaughtered a pig...
between the running and the French toast?
Yes, and by the way, that whole ozone-layer problem?
- Taken care of. - You're my Green-Party hero.
- Here. - Oh, no. Can't.
I have to get to the printers and pick up the brochures...
because today is mailing day.
- But, do you have a Baggie? - Yeah, here.
Perfect.
[Exclaiming in pleasure]
- What are you doing? - This is French toast on the go.
The other drivers on the road love it.
Come here. I'll call you later.
- Okay. - We'll plan our weekend.
Lorelai, hold on a second.
Here.
- Key. - Yeah, it's a key to the apartment.
Good.
- Do you want me to let someone in? - No, it's just an extra key.
I thought, if you were coming over and I was running late...
this way, you didn't have to wait in the hallway.
- Okay. - Or if you were carrying something...
and you couldn't wait for me to get to the door...
this way, you're all set.
Okay, good. Makes sense.
Yeah, it's just a practical thing. It's not a big deal.
- Good. - Or you don't have to take it.
- No, I'll take it. - I mean, I know how it is.
You've got your keys on your ring just so...
and then you put in a new one, it throws off the whole balance.
- If you think... - Or you can keep it.
- You sure? - If you want.
- I can go either way. - It's fine with me.
- Well, which way? - Either way.
[Chuckling] I'll take it, okay?
- Thanks for the French toast. - Thanks for the hand injury.
Anytime. Bye.
Go!
PARIS: Here, we're over here. RORY: How did we get a tent?
- Toby, again. Classic tip whore. - Which one's Toby?
The one with the bandaged hand. He cut it setting this up.
- I popped him another sawbuck. - Cool tent! How'd we get it?
Stay ignorant, Glenn.
It comes with the oppressive guilt of the ruling class.
Okay. Hey, Janet, I like your suit.
- Thanks, Glenn. - Hey, hot dogs.
Man, it is so loud out here.
You never think of the beach as being loud.
You do when there's a band of Huns reenacting Top Gun in back of you.
- Hey, throw it back. - No!
- What are you doing? - Putting a towel down.
- Don't. - Why? We have 100 towels in the room.
There's so many towels, there's basically no room for us.
- I need my ball. - You need a couple of them, pal.
Here. Ignore her. She likes it.
- Rory, stop. - I'm not gonna sit in the sand, Paris.
Over here.
Great, okay.
Thanks.
Now, we're going to need a fruit plate in about an hour...
and keep the iced tea coming.
- What? - Nothing but admiration here.
I'm going to go do my laps in the ocean.
- You work out on spring break? - Exercise is a high. You should try it.
- Sure, I'll meet you out there. - Are you properly sunscreened?
Ten minutes in the sun can cause irreparable skin damage.
And constant shoulder tension creates a hunchback.
Fine, go. I hear melanoma is very in this year.
Here, Casper, you'd better use this.
You're just lucky you have a fruit plate coming.
Rory, Paris! Oh, my God!
Hello, babies.
- Unbelievable. - What are you guys doing here?
- Spring break! - We came for Tulane's spring break...
- and just stayed. - We've been here a month.
- Great lifeguards. - I'm so excited to see you guys.
Paris, you missed a spot. I can see skin.
So, when did you get here?
- 2:00 this morning. - I love 2:00 in the morning.
- You guys are having a good time? - Way better than most other people.
We're very competitive.
It took a few weeks to get the right routine down...
but now we own this town.
The Chamber of Commerce must be thrilled.
I think the last place on earth...
I would ever expect to find Paris Geller is at spring break.
I'm up for new things.
Then we have to make sure you do this right.
- There are rules. - There always are in a civilized society.
It is very important to find the right hot club every night...
and it changes.
What was hot last night is not tonight.
Adjust your sleeping patterns for maximum partying.
Mid-to-late-afternoon sleeping allows the best all-night stamina.
Okay. You got that, Paris?
Were we really friends at one point?
They do card at the clubs, but there's a million ways around it.
- Major flirting. - A sexy voice.
And if all that fails, make out.
- With who? - Each other.
- Excuse me? - We found...
if we kiss each other, we can get anything from guys.
Free drinks, food.
- T-shirts, boat rides, Frisbees. - Earrings, sea-do's.
Okay. That is a good tip.
Yeah, maybe later I'll pants you for an Altoid.
- Where are you staying? - The Sea Sprite.
- That's cute. - We've made out there.
Louise, it's 1:00.
- We've got to go get to bed. - We'll come see you tonight.
Hey, guys.
I liked the pants-you-for-an-Altoid thing.
Oh, my God, I'm starving.
I can't believe what a great video store that was.
A little research before a trip always helps.
Pizza and The Power Of Myth.
A perfect evening.
What?
Nothing. Just checking the messages, that's all.
- You're expecting a call from Asher? - No, I'm not expecting a call.
He's at a conference in Denver, so I'm not expecting a call.
I mean, he knows I'm here...
and I left him a contact number, in case of emergencies...
but not expecting a call.
God, I love this. I've seen it four times.
- Five. - Seriously?
It was almost six...
but my mom tried to be funny one day and hid it.
- I thought you and your mom got along? - Even we have our dark periods.
[People cheering]
- It sounds like quite a party out there. - Yep.
I think someone just got thrown in the pool.
I hope it's the guy who took my $5 and never bought me a root beer.
This is a good song.
- Okay, I'm sorry. Are we doing this right? - Doing what right?
Spring break.
We're in here alone with Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers...
and everyone else is out there with...
- Everyone else? - Yeah.
But, we love Bill Moyers.
Yes, we do love Bill Moyers. But we did come here for spring break...
and I'm just wondering if we're not spring-breaking...
the way you're supposed to spring-break.
You're probably right.
I mean, if we're here, we should probably commit.
- Try to experience the entire event. - With other people, outside this room.
Okay. Let's do it. Let's commit.
- Okay. Starting now? - Starting now.
[Boys yelling]
- Tomorrow's fine, too. - Absolutely.
MAN: [On TV] ...historical atlas of world mythology.
His effort to bring under one roof...
the spiritual and intellectual wisdom of a lifetime.
- I got $5 on the blond with the tattoo. - You always go for the tattoos.
God, I'm starving.
I haven't had anything but vending-machine junk.
There's nothing around here.
I would kill for something non-synthetic.
[Exclaiming]
Perfect.
Okay, forget I said giant Q-Tips.
They're not hitting each other with giant Q-Tips.
But now I can't get giant Q-Tips out of my head.
It's too powerful a visual.
I know, I'm sorry.
- So how is it? - It's good so far.
- Yeah, how good? - I haven't had a drink yet.
Okay, are you sure you weren't drinking...
and that's why you think they're giant Q-Tips?
Maybe.
Hello? What just happened?
You sound distracted. Did something cute just walk by?
No, I was just trying to think of something better...
to describe the giant Q-Tips.
- So I'll call you later, okay? - No windows.
No windows.
What?
- Excellent taste. - What's his name?
- Whose name? - The guy you were just staring at.
- I wasn't staring. - Oh, no.
- The twins. - God, they're everywhere.
- So? - We can't compete against twins.
Especially once they caught on to the whole kissing thing.
- Let's find another pool. - We'll see you guys tonight.
Okay.
Why don't you go get us something at the bar?
- What? - Then you can go talk to that guy.
- That's okay. - Come on, go.
Flirting seems to be a very big part of this spring-break ritual, and I'm taken.
I can't flirt.
I have to live vicariously through you.
MAN: [On loudspeaker] The banana-eating
contest is about to start on the upper level.
- Real food. Thank God. - Paris.
Do you know what those things are called...
that they hit each other in the pool with?
No, I don't.
Just wondering.
- Did I lose points for that? - No, no points lost.
Sean, man, come on!
Coming. See you.
Okay. See you.
Excuse me for thinking a banana-eating contest...
was about eating a banana!
[Singing So Says I]
- You guys want something? - Maybe later.
We'll be back.
Oh, my God.
Wow. Quite a scene.
Yeah, I guess we found the hot place tonight.
Yep, no one can sniff out the hip like we can.
Okay, so, here we are.
- We should do something. - What?
- I don't know. - We could dance.
Dance? Okay, sure. Let's dance.
Okay, let's dance.
- This is fun. - Yep.
- I think your husband's here. - What? Where?
- Why don't you go buy him a drink? - What, like a nice ginger ale?
You could get Madeline and Louise to buy a drink for you...
and then you could go bring it to him.
Well, that was the shortest relationship ever.
- What? - He looked, he saw, he changed his mind.
Sorry.
- Okay, what is going on here? - What?
Why is every single person in this place having a better time than we are?
- I don't know that they are. - Look around.
Every single person in this place is having a better time than us.
Why? I mean, we've been doing everything everybody else is.
- We're here in the hot place. - So we're not great dancers.
We did the hanging-out-at-the-pool part pretty well.
We're not trying hard enough.
What are you talking about? This is not a test.
We came here to do spring break, and we are going to do spring break.
What else do you suggest we do?
- What are you doing? Are you crazy? - Madeline and Louise do it.
Madeline and Louise wear their underwear outside of their clothes.
I don't want to do what Madeline and Louise do.
- I just thought... - Just stop thinking, okay?
Your thinking is very, very dangerous.
- Rory. - Get away from me. You're not my type.
- Will you just wait? - What?
- How was I? - What?
- As a kisser? - Oh, man!
I've always wanted to know...
and you can't ask a guy. That shows low self esteem...
which I've read is really not sexy.
So tell me. How am I? Too stiff? Do I need to relax my lips a little...
maybe open my mouth more, make it more inviting?
- I need some fresh air. - Hey, where are you going?
- Outside. - Can I come with you?
- Maybe your girlfriend wants to come, too. - My girlfriend?
- I gotta tell you, that was some kiss. - Oh, my God!
The movie was good. Nice to see Michael Caine working again.
Which was sarcastic because he works a lot...
constantly.
Never says no to anything, which can be risky, you know?
- Lowers your batting average. - Well, I'm glad you liked it.
Jason, you're making me work too hard tonight.
- I know. - I mean, I wore the cute boots, you know?
- Do you see the cute boots? - Very cute boots.
I had a full night, what with the walking straight...
the balancing, and the not yelping out in pain.
If I'd known I'd also have to do all the talking, I'd...
- I think I did it wrong. - You did what wrong?
- The key that I gave you. - The key to your apartment?
- The key was supposed to say something. - So it's a talking key.
Look, you and I are hitting that point in a relationship...
where I usually break it off.
Well, should we get a cake?
Every single time, with every other woman I've been involved with...
- this is about the time that I would... - Bolt?
I was gonna say run, but bolt sounds much more masculine...
so yeah, sure, bolt.
Well, it's time to bolt.
Okay, good thing you're not wearing my boots.
I don't think I'm doing this right, either.
No, you're doing it just fine.
It's cold, so...
The other night, I woke up, and the timer went off in my head:
"Hey, buddy, it's about that time." So I did what I always do.
I thought about you, about us...
and I thought about all the things that bother me...
and I came up with nothing.
- Nothing? - I went over it and over it in my head.
That feeling, that I-want-out feeling...
it wasn't there.
What was there was the very strong sense that if I did...
bolt...
I might as well go out and find a pointy hat...
a stool, and a classroom full of sixth graders...
because I'd be an absolute idiot to screw this up.
- So I went out and made the key. - The talking key.
And I was hoping that the key would say that this is different...
and that I want you in my life a lot more than you are now.
Wow. Well...
I mean, it would have been more interesting to hear that from the key...
it's definitely more romantic hearing it from you.
I'm gonna go take care of Mr. Caine for you now.
- I would appreciate that. - Good night.
Good night, Jason.
[On answering machine] Hey, It's Luke.
I'm sorry to be calling you like this...
but I was wondering if, when you get this message...
if you could come pick me up because I need a ride.
I'm in Litchfield, the corner of Mason and Pine.
It's a big, white building.
You'll recognize it by the police sign outside...
because, oh, hell, I'm in jail.
Okay, there. I said it. Long story.
I'll tell you when you get here. Thanks...
if you come. One more thing.
I need to borrow a little money, $300.
It's just a loan, and, oh, hell, it's for my bail.
I'm getting off now! Relax!
I think the two of you would make a great couple.
- No way. - Why not?
You're way too high maintenance for me.
The whole place was buzzing about the kiss.
- Even the twins were jealous. - Super, great. Love to hear that.
Who needs more? Everybody? Good. I'll be right back.
So, Paris, how's the Princeton man?
- Jaime and I broke up. - Paris has a different man now.
- You do? - I'm dating a professor.
- Tenured? - Ages ago.
[Chuckling] Well, Anna Nicole, look at you.
He's brilliant, a writer, very distinguished, handsome.
- Don't you think he's handsome? - Handsome. Sure, very handsome.
He's a real man. He's just so amazing.
I still can't believe that we're together.
I made them a little stronger this time.
Cool, it'll be fun to watch the cups dissolve.
- Paris bagged herself an older man. - I love older men.
They take you to the best restaurants.
He went to a conference in Denver this week.
He was so nice, you know. Really excited about me coming to Florida.
He thinks it's a good idea to hang out with people my own age.
I kind of hoped that he would invite me...
to go to Denver with him, but, you know, he didn't.
- He had to work, Paris. - I know, or he's sick of me.
No.
Maybe he's going to dump me.
- Does he still buy you jewelry? - He's never bought me jewelry.
He hasn't? How much money does he have?
- Asher isn't rich. - Not rich?
Curiouser and curiouser.
You're just being paranoid. He wants you to have fun.
Someone who wants you to have fun is someone who cares about you...
both of you...
because there are two of you, and they're spinning.
Hidden punch.
Just keep me away from any windows, please.
Whatever happened to that boyfriend of yours?
- Who, Jess? - No.
- Dean. - Dean, that's it.
How's Dean? God, he was gorgeous.
- He's fine. - Is he still gorgeous?
- Yes. Definitely, yes. - You two aren't together?
- No, actually he's married. - What?
Why?
Well, he met Lindsay, and they got married.
She's pretty, blond, tall, leggy.
Good, just what the world needs. Another one of those.
- She's nice, too. - Prediction.
- She's psychic. - Since when?
Since about six months ago. I think it's not gonna last.
Two married 19-year-olds won't make it. Boy, that's a risky bet.
I think it won't last because he was way too in love with you.
But we've been broken up for a long time.
But he only had eyes for you, girlfriend.
- And deep, long, soulful Rory-eyes. - No, not anymore.
- You don't talk at all anymore? - No, we still talk. We're still friends.
Yes, you are. Cell-phone friends.
You have your ex-boyfriend's number in your cell phone?
- I told you we were friends. - First loves are very intense.
My mom's still in love with her first love.
She tells my father that over and over and...
I think I just dialed his number.
- Madeline, no! - Oh, my God, it's ringing!
Hang up!
It's his voice mail. Sexy voice.
- Hang up. - I think it's gonna... It beeped.
- Talk. - [Laughing nervously] Dean, hi. It's Rory.
I'm sorry to call you like this, but we're on spring break...
and I don't know if you remember Madeline and Louise...
but they're evil, and we were just talking about you.
Hi. How are you?
I'm gonna hang up now, so bye. Sorry, bye.
I'm going to kill you!
Oh, my God, I'm so gonna kill you! It's going to be bad and deathlike, and...
I'm gonna go for a walk because this punch...
- is starting to live up to its name. - I'll go with you.
Don't move, because I'm going to come back to kill you.
We'll be here.
There. My truck.
You know, Luke, you don't have to tell me what happened, unless you want to.
But I promise I won't ask you about it again...
ever, in this lifetime or the next.
You know, I'll just tell Shirley MacLaine:
"Hey, look, back off, Shirl."
"If Luke had wanted me to know..."
"He would have told me back in my other lifetime..."
"And I certainly don't expect..."
I wanted to see who owned the socks.
- And did you? - I think so.
I just had a feeling tonight.
Nicole was kind of vague on her plans, so I told her I'd stay at the diner...
and then I drove up here, and I parked, and I waited.
And then this car pulled up, and she got out with him.
And they went inside...
and I watched them go.
And you're sure he's the owner of the socks?
Well, I didn't ask him, but he's the owner of the socks.
And if he isn't, the picture's still not looking very good.
I agree with you there.
Anyway, I sat here and watched them go inside.
Then all these thoughts were rolling around in my head.
I mean, how could she do this, you know? In there. In our house.
I put bookshelves up in there.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't think he's using your bookshelves.
I suddenly just got so mad, you know, I lost it.
I had to do something...
so I got out and marched up to his car, and I kicked it.
You kicked his car?
I kicked it hard and over and over and over again.
You beat up his car.
Then all of a sudden, these cops pull up...
because some busybody in the neighborhood...
saw some lunatic attacking a car and...
- Well, you know the rest. - Did Nicole see you?
I don't know what she and the sock man saw.
God, I feel like such an idiot.
I mean, suddenly I became like one of those guys...
that gets jealous and, you know, does crazy things.
You weren't like one of those guys.
- You were one of those guys. - [Snickering] Yeah, well.
- Was there any damage? - No.
Luke?
Luke, where are you going?
See? Nothing. Not a scratch.
- Those stupid dent-resistant panels. - This is the car?
Yes, this is the car.
He sat there. She sat there. They got out there, walked up there...
I jumped out there, ran up here...
was handcuffed there, was driven off there...
I went to jail...
and you drove all the way up here to get me...
- and they are still in there! - Luke.
I can't believe they're still in there. What are they doing?
Luke, come on.
I know what they're doing. But even if you took one of those pills...
that they were hawking at the Super Bowl, you know...
they should have been done in four or five hours tops.
That commercial said it all:
If you're still active after four hours, you should call the damn doctor.
- Come on, why don't we... - What are they, talking?
Making plans in my house?
Damn son of a...
You lying piece of sockless garbage!
Why don't you take home my socks, too?
Luke, you were busted already once tonight. That's it.
All right, I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Pretty soon, that car's gonna start fighting back.
I'm fine. Really. I'm fine.
You know, Luke, I know I've never really been...
Miss This-Is-Great about your relationship...
but I am so, so sorry.
You don't deserve this.
- You really don't deserve this. - Yeah.
- I guess that's it. - Yeah.
Well, at least I finally got to see your house.
Fresh air is good. Fresh air is healthy.
I'm feeling better.
- Gotta sit. - Me, too.
- What was in the punch? Did we ask? - No.
- Should we have asked? - That's not what the cool kids do.
I'm loving the spinning beach. How about you?
Yeah.
- So are we done? - With what?
- Spring break. Are we done? - I don't know.
Let's go down the list.
- Okay, we came. - Check.
- We danced. - Check.
- We drank. - Check.
We threw up.
- We didn't throw up. - Give us 10 more minutes.
- Right. - Basically, we're done.
I feel like we have officially participated.
We've experienced the entire social ritual.
I have absolutely no desire to ever feel this way again.
- Let's go home. - How?
We're supposed to stay the rest of the weekend.
Frequent flyer miles, baby.
Cool peanuts. I'm in.
Great. I'll call as soon as I can get up.
- What's that? - What?
Oh, my God!
Glenn! What happened to you?
The last time we saw you, you went to get a hot dog.
Hot dog?
Hot dog.
[Shouting]
You gotta admit, it's been a pretty good trip.
So I call this place where you were supposedly staying...
- and some punk at the desk tells me... - I said I was sorry.
"I'm sorry, ma'am, she's not here anymore."
My heart flew out of my chest...
and not just because he called me "ma'am," which I hate.
I didn't mean to freak you out.
You don't take off without telling Mommy.
I love that I didn't have to ask you to go on spring break...
but I had to ask you to come home.
I had visions of you being swallowed by a whale...
or taking off with some surfers to go chase the perfect wave...
and not inviting me.
- It just got to be way too much fun. - Yeah? How much is too much?
- I had a drink. - And?
Paris and I took turns throwing up.
That's the way you girls will find yourselves a husband.
It was fine. Aspirin, tons of water, mac and cheese...
My baby's discovered her first hangover food.
I wish I had a picture to put next to your clay handprints.
I think I still have the box.
Send it to me. So how was it?
It was interesting, you know? We sat on the beach, went to a club...
we watched The Power of Myth, Paris and I kissed...
Whoa! You watched The Power of Myth?
- Hold on a sec. - I hid that from you.
- Hello? - Hey, Rory, it's me.
Hi. Dean, hold on a sec.
Mom, I have to call you back.
You did not spend spring break with Bill Moyers.
Bye.
- Hi. - So, I got your message.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
It sounds like you were having a pretty good time out there.
I've got a lot of questions. I even wrote a couple down.
Are you ready?