1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:23,023 (CROWD CHEERING) 4 00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:24,725 ( HOLLY HOLY by Neil Diamond PLAYING) 5 00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:27,395 NEIL DIAMOND: * Sing, sing a song 6 00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,733 * Sing a song of songs 7 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,737 * Sing it out 8 00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,673 * Sing it strong 9 00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:44,445 * Yeah 10 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,582 * Honey, yeah 11 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,723 * Call the sun in the dead of the night 12 00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:59,793 * And the sun's gonna rise in the sky * 13 00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:05,766 Neil Diamond, Hot August Night, 1972. 14 00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:08,602 That concert rocked. And rolled. 15 00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,938 I know, 'cause I was there. 16 00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,840 (CROWD CHEERING) 17 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:17,578 (WATER SPLASHING) That's me. 18 00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:22,550 My water broke. 19 00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:26,520 WAYNE: Ever since then I've had this cosmic connection with Neil. 20 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,556 But this story isn't about Neil. 21 00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:32,293 It's about me and my two pals, Darren and J.D. 22 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,662 Best friends since fifth grade. 23 00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:38,966 That's J.D. 24 00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:40,568 He's lactose intolerant. 25 00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,035 (GAGGING) 26 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,571 (KIDS GROANING) 27 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:46,006 And he's not very bright. 28 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:48,209 Uh, that's Darren Silverman. 29 00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,043 He's the romantic. 30 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:53,847 But when it comes to women, he's incredibly gullible. 31 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:56,517 (EXCLAIMS) 32 00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:57,851 (ALL LAUGHING) 33 00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,190 WAYNE: That's me, Wayne. 34 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,625 I'm loyal to my friends. 35 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,527 If you weren't a girl, I'd beat you up. 36 00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:07,728 Me, too! 37 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:10,130 CHILDREN: Ooh! 38 00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,899 (GRUNTS) Don't! 39 00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:13,867 (ALL SHOUTING) 40 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,105 (SCREAMS) 41 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,574 WAYNE: After that, I started working out. 42 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,743 We stayed best friends throughout high school. 43 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:26,347 Yep, I was the third-string quarterback. 44 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,781 (SQUAWKS) 45 00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,683 J.D. became the school mascot. 46 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,420 * Hey, what you say? 47 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,755 * I don't remember that I hear you 48 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:38,526 * Yeah, yeah, you, yeah, you, yeah, you, yeah, you * 49 00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:41,329 WAYNE: And Darren joined the cheerleading squad. 50 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:43,831 (CHEERING) 51 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:45,833 (DARREN WHOOPING) 52 00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:47,368 Uh, that's Sandy. 53 00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:50,304 Yeah, Darren's always had a thing for her. 54 00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:52,573 CHEERLEADERS: When you're up against the Warbird, 55 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,344 you're upside down! 56 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,479 WAYNE: Oh, that's Coach Norton. 57 00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:01,715 He was a big influence in our lives. He taught us many things. 58 00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:04,385 Two things you got to remember, boys. 59 00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:08,289 Number one, stay away from women. 60 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:11,325 All they want from you is your man juice. 61 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:16,930 Now, if you get any urges that you can't suppress with hard liquor, 62 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,098 use this. 63 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:20,934 WAYNE: Oh, and number two? 64 00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:23,937 Sportsmanship! Sportsmanship! 65 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:26,307 (GRUNTING) COACH: Sportsmanship! 66 00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:28,276 (GROANING) 67 00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:31,245 Healy! You fairy wimp fruit bag! 68 00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,846 You suck! 69 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,218 Lefessier! Get out there! 70 00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:41,355 I just gotta get my helmet. 71 00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:44,224 Hey, guys! Guys... Guys, I'm in! 72 00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:48,462 (BOTH WHOOPING) He's in! Wayne! 73 00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:50,030 Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne! 74 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:52,900 (SHOUTS) 75 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,537 (SHOUTING) 76 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:57,638 Hike! 77 00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,740 (GRUNTING) 78 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:05,946 Oh! 79 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,482 But now we're all grown up. 80 00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:11,685 (WHOOPING) 81 00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:21,094 J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway. 82 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:27,601 Recently, he was promoted to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training. 83 00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,337 Okay McNugent, let's see what you got. 84 00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:30,971 Sir. 85 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:32,840 I've been working with these guys for eight weeks. 86 00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,676 I'm proud to present to you the future of Subway sandwiches. 87 00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:37,244 (SNAPS FINGERS) Belston. 88 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,647 Three sizes of bevi are small, medium and what? 89 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:40,714 Uh... 90 00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:42,416 Big? 91 00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:44,452 Come on, like we practiced. You can do this. 92 00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:46,354 L... 93 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:49,222 L... 94 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:50,991 L... 95 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,092 L... 96 00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,293 Long! 97 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,663 Hmm. Okay, we'll come back to you. 98 00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,666 Sir, this guy's my stinkiest student by far. 99 00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,401 Trimble, let's see you sub. 100 00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:05,072 No. No. Meat on the inside. Bread on the outside. 101 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:07,708 Okay, take it away. 102 00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:08,909 Take it away. Take it away. 103 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,411 J.D.: Take it away! 104 00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,680 Uh, don't judge me on those two guys. 105 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,748 This next guy is my protégé. 106 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,016 He's top of his class, 107 00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,885 and for his thesis, he made a party sub. 108 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:20,954 Heston, where's the party sub? 109 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,626 (BELCHES) 110 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:37,104 WAYNE: Darren is the social director at a retirement home. 111 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,606 "D-17." 112 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,673 Bingo. 113 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,443 Bingo. 114 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:46,647 Abe, pull your pants up or no more Matlock. 115 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,282 Oh! 116 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,951 (HORN HONKS) Yoo-hoo! 117 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,686 Good mornin'. 118 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,388 WAYNE: And, uh, I started my own business. 119 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,659 WAYNE: Okay, what are we dealin' with here? 120 00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,194 I don't know what it is, but it sounds big. 121 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,696 (TWITTERING) 122 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,732 WAYNE: Stay back. I'm goin' in. 123 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:11,739 Careful, sonny. 124 00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:20,414 Hey, so you're causin' all this trouble, huh? 125 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,616 Come here. Hey there. 126 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,051 (TWITTERING) Hello. 127 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:27,320 (COOING) You poor little thing, yeah. 128 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,023 Here's your ferocious beast. 129 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,427 Who is your mommy? 130 00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:35,863 (BOTH SCREAMING) 131 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,575 (YELPS) 132 00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:53,146 Is it dead? 133 00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:57,417 No, but she is in one deep coon coma. 134 00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,187 (SNARLING) 135 00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,122 (SCREAMING) 136 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,630 Oh! 137 00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:12,432 Don't! Don't! Stop it! 138 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,369 WAYNE: But we all have one mystical thing in common, 139 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,971 our love for Neil. 140 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,407 That's our band, Diamonds in the Rough. 141 00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:21,942 (SINGING CHERRY, CHERRY) 142 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,712 ALL: * Cherry, baby, she got the way to groove me 143 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:34,187 * No, we won't tell a soul where we gone to * 144 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,523 (LAUGHING) 145 00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:39,326 * Girl, we do whatever we want to 146 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:44,998 * Ah, I love the way that you do me 147 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,103 * Cherry, babe, you really get to me 148 00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:54,407 * She got the way to move me, Cherry 149 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,844 BOTH: * She got the way to groove me 150 00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,946 ALL: * She got the way to move me 151 00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:02,049 * Cherry, baby * She got the way to groove me * 152 00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:03,717 (SHOUTS) 153 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,489 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 154 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,697 Hi. Hi. 155 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,331 Hey, uh, I'm Darren. 156 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,100 Sophie. 157 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,302 I was wondering, maybe do you want to grab a drink with me? 158 00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,538 I'm sorry, I'm involved. 159 00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:27,007 With a real entertainer. 160 00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:29,910 (LAUGHING) 161 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,686 I can't believe I got blown off again. 162 00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,588 I'm never gonna find the right girl. 163 00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:43,056 Dude, you don't want a chick who would fuck a mime. 164 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,760 Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? 165 00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:51,131 It's probably like, "Oh, oh, I'm a mime. 166 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,666 "I'm a mime." 167 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,602 Hey. Mimes don't talk. 168 00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,840 They do when they're off duty. 169 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:04,645 It's not her. It's... It's all women. 170 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:08,649 I'm really afraid that there's nobody out there for me. 171 00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:12,753 The only girl I ever loved walked out of my life years ago. 172 00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:14,988 Sandy Perkus. 173 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,757 DARREN: Remember her? 174 00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,926 Her family was with the circus. 175 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,694 Her dad was the strong man. 176 00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,830 Her mom was the bearded lady. 177 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,732 And her brother was the dogfaced boy. 178 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,467 Bye, Darren! 179 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,336 DARREN: Before I could muster the courage to ask her out, she moved away. 180 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,438 Remember? 181 00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:33,540 You know, guys, I truly believe 182 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:37,645 that there is a one-and-only someone for everyone. 183 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,180 And Sandy. 184 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,414 Sandy Perkus... 185 00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:45,585 Was my one and only. 186 00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,255 Man, that is really romantic. 187 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,925 Oh, my God! Look at that juicy piece of ass. 188 00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:54,962 ( BUTTERFLY by Crazy Town PLAYING) 189 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,997 WAYNE: What do you think of her? 190 00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:58,666 Who? Right there. 191 00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:01,201 DARREN: In the red? Oh. 192 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,671 Yeah, she's gorgeous. Go talk to her. 193 00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:05,873 No. Okay, I'll do it for you. 194 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,474 What? Hey, wait! 195 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,677 DARREN: Wayne! 196 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,111 Hi! I'm Wayne. 197 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,512 No! 198 00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:15,115 No, you don't understand. I'm not hittin' on ya. 199 00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,717 Back off. 200 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:19,820 I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren. 201 00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:22,555 He's smart. He's sensitive. I don't care. 202 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,825 I think he'd make a wonderful husband. I don't want to meet him. 203 00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,059 Great! 204 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,333 Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute. Really? 205 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,837 Yeah, she's like, "I'm so excited to meet him," and everything. 206 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,939 Are you sure? 207 00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:41,408 Totally. Get down there and make your move. 208 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,376 Oh, I don't know. 209 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,878 WAYNE: Come on! You can do it! 210 00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,213 Carpe poon! 211 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,614 Really? 212 00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:49,249 Okay. 213 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,384 Okay, I'll do it. 214 00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:52,452 WAYNE: All right! 215 00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,454 Yes! 216 00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,289 Yes. 217 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,293 Hi! 218 00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,063 I'm Darren. 219 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,199 Darren. My, uh... 220 00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:09,202 My friend said you wanted to meet me. 221 00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:10,503 He lied. 222 00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:13,106 (CHUCKLING) That's, uh, that's a good one. 223 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,243 (CHUCKLES) No, seriously, I don't want to meet you. 224 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:26,686 Well, um, my friend must have been mistaken. 225 00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,390 I'm really sorry to bother you. 226 00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:31,658 Mmm-hmm. 227 00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,265 Let me guess. 228 00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:41,969 That jerk tried to get in your pants with some tacky pickup line. 229 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,304 I'm not like that. I use magic. 230 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:45,806 (EXCLAIMS) 231 00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:47,140 Beat it, baldy. 232 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,977 Okay, good stuff. Tough crowd. I like that. 233 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:54,247 I have here two ordinary metal rings. 234 00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,083 You, me. 235 00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:01,388 Hello. Hello. I "ruv" you. 236 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,557 Sorry. I forgot my beer. 237 00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:08,395 This is my boyfriend, Darren, so hit the bricks, porky. 238 00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,998 Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren. 239 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,065 Satan. 240 00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:19,306 I'm really sorry about hitting on you before, I... 241 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,308 You should be. I am. I am. 242 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:25,245 I just... I wasn't thinking, and, um... 243 00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,815 You're so beautiful, and I, um... 244 00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:31,985 I'm sorry. 245 00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:34,454 So make up for it. Buy me a drink. 246 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,825 Yeah, okay. I'll have a scotch. 247 00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,692 Excuse me. Can you give the lady a scotch, 248 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,228 and I'll have another beer. 249 00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,130 Oh, he'll have a gin and tonic. Make that a gin and tonic. 250 00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:44,564 WAITER: You got it. 251 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:51,271 Can you believe he hooked up with the queen of all hotties? 252 00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:54,074 Hey, they're just havin' a drink together. 253 00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:56,910 It's not like they're goin' steady or anything. 254 00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,145 Right. 255 00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:03,283 DARREN: It's midnight. Know what that means? 256 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,252 No. What? 257 00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:07,087 It's our six-week anniversary. 258 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,389 Oh. 259 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:10,657 Did you get me anything? 260 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:11,859 No. 261 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,928 That's okay. That's okay. No big deal. 262 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,564 But... I... 263 00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,834 Got you a little something. 264 00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,238 Thanks. That's really nice. 265 00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:33,280 You know, I, I... I've been thinking. 266 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,248 (STAMMERING) We've been... 267 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,951 Well, we've been together for a while now, 268 00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,088 and it seems like maybe it's time 269 00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,325 we get a little... A little more intimate. 270 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,862 Are you saying you want to have sex? 271 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,999 Yeah. Yeah, I am. 272 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,102 I don't believe in premarital sex. 273 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,204 I'd rather not cheapen what we have together. 274 00:13:57,270 --> 00:14:00,807 Of course. Of course not. Me neither. 275 00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:03,043 So I think it's best to wait. I think you're right. 276 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:05,578 I think... I mean, you're... 277 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,380 It's best. Yeah. 278 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:10,884 But that doesn't mean that we can't 279 00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:14,221 pleasure each other in other ways. 280 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,962 I got ya! 281 00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,030 Ho! I got ya! 282 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,265 Yeah, but... What? 283 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:29,369 (MOANS) 284 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:36,876 That was really great. 285 00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,179 Thanks. 286 00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,415 So, um... 287 00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:43,783 That got me pretty excited. 288 00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,320 That's nice. 289 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,157 I mean, I... I wouldn't mind if... 290 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:52,359 Someone did that to me. 291 00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,594 Oh, I get it. You want me to go down on you. 292 00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,697 Yeah. 293 00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,000 Oh, God, I would love to but I can't. 294 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,002 I have very, very sensitive... 295 00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,136 Gums. 296 00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:04,404 Oh! 297 00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:07,140 It's... You have gums? It's, um... 298 00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:08,875 It's a medical condition? 299 00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,710 Mmm-hmm. No, I wouldn't want to 300 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,479 cause you any pain, baby, no. 301 00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,482 You're so sweet. 302 00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:22,422 You know, there are other ways to... 303 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,191 Give me pleasure without using your mouth. 304 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,695 Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate. I'm sorry. 305 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:32,032 (CHUCKLING) No, that's... That's fine. That's fine. 306 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,338 Have fun. 307 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:45,278 Watch your head. This place is a dump. 308 00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,515 I really don't want to do this. 309 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:51,184 No. No, come on. It's gonna be great. 310 00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:54,721 It's our Sunday ritual, and I want you to be part of it. 311 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,356 I want you to get to know these guys. 312 00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,925 You're gonna love 'em, honey. You're gonna love 'em. 313 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:03,330 Yeah! Buddy! What's up, dude? 314 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:04,564 What's up, J.D.? 315 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,200 Judy, awesome to meet you. 316 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,369 Judith. 317 00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:10,737 Judith. 318 00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,605 And a beer bong for the lady? 319 00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:13,773 Uh, no. 320 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,643 Totally cool. No peer pressure. 321 00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:21,881 (CHOKING) 322 00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,551 Judith rules! 323 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,719 Sorry. Come on in. 324 00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,488 Dude, Darren. Check it out, chewy. 325 00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:30,490 (GROANING) Yo. 326 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:32,225 You want a drink? Hey, man. 327 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,326 Um, scotch on the rocks. 328 00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:34,627 No problem, you want ice with that? 329 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:37,264 I'll help him. I'll help you with that. 330 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,967 Hey, Judith, can I give you the grand tour? Uh, sure. 331 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:44,137 Let's start right here in the Hall O' Neil. 332 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:48,308 This is Neil, '74. Uh, check this out. 333 00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:52,412 This is a set list from the millennium concert. Look. 334 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:55,515 Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay. 335 00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:57,384 Looks like a Xerox. 336 00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:00,287 No. This cost a lot of money. 337 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,622 Check this out. I think you got taken. 338 00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,258 Ready? This shirt... Phew! 339 00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:06,959 Was worn by Neil... 340 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,561 ( SWEET CAROLINE by Neil Diamond INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING) 341 00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,363 In concert. 342 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,799 Check it out. We snuck backstage, 343 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,536 and totally stole it from him while he was takin' a whiz. 344 00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:19,572 Well, in my profession, we call your obsession with Neil Diamond 345 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,242 a delusional projection fantasy. 346 00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:23,776 Yeah, sure, 347 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,247 but he's America's greatest songwriter, and he's our hero. 348 00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:30,049 And he's playin' the forum in two weeks. Yeah. 349 00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:32,519 Of course, we can't go 'cause of the whole, you know, 350 00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,821 restraining order thing. 351 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,556 (CROWD CHEERING) 352 00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,931 Neil, I love you! 353 00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:46,666 (SHOUTS) Come here! You again! 354 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,734 (GRUNTS) 355 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:48,868 (CROWD GASPS) 356 00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,003 Neil! Neil! Neil! 357 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,905 Neil, hey! Where ya goin'? 358 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:57,444 I wanna party with you! I wanna party with you! 359 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,978 Right. Game's on. Game's on! 360 00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:00,747 (BOTH SHOUTING) 361 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,518 What? (WHISPERS) I want to leave. 362 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,086 Sweetheart, we just got here. 363 00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,189 These guys are pigs. 364 00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,591 Come on. No, they're...they're not that... 365 00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:14,661 Hey. Hey! What are you doin'? 366 00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:18,965 Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho. 367 00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:21,768 Uh, okay, look, why don't we just stay for a little bit? 368 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,404 Just a little while, huh? 369 00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,773 Oh, take mine. Take mine. Take mine. 370 00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,741 Give her the old sweep-a-roo. 371 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:32,179 Yep, old Ethel. We've been through a lot of games together. 372 00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:33,246 Enjoy. 373 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:35,782 Let me help you with her. 374 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,817 She's got multiple reclining positions. 375 00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,152 That's okay. I can just sit forward. 376 00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,453 Nah, that's all right. It's a little stuck. 377 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,389 No, no, it's fine. Takes a little muscle. 378 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,791 (GROANING) Come on, you fuckin' piece of shit. 379 00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:47,126 I don't need... I prefer... I got it. It's no trouble. 380 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:48,928 (SCREAMS) 381 00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:50,230 (ALL CLAMORING) 382 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:53,233 I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens. 383 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,735 (SOBBING) J.D.: You know what? I think it's... Yep. 384 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,104 It's the lug nut. Fixed it. 385 00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,706 Please, have a seat. 386 00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:00,873 I'll stand. 387 00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:03,109 I'm a... 388 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:06,613 Sorry. 389 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,548 Get me something. Yeah. 390 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,483 (GASPS) 391 00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:15,622 So Darren tells me you're a psychologist? 392 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,890 That's right. 393 00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:20,627 It's interesting. I'm in a related field. 394 00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:21,928 Really? What's that? 395 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,963 Pest and rodent removal. 396 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,932 How is that related? 397 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,901 We both help people. 398 00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,571 While you help them deal with their emotional and intellectual needs, 399 00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:35,542 I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish... 400 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:38,144 He launched it. All right, touchdown! 401 00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,112 (BOTH CHEERING) 402 00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:43,283 (SCREAMING) 403 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,185 (TIRES SCREECHING) 404 00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:53,793 I don't want you to see Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren. 405 00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,795 What? But they're my best friends. 406 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,966 You're getting new friends, and you're quitting that bullshit band. 407 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,569 I know you're upset. I... I do, 408 00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:05,004 but I'm not dropping Wayne and J.D., 409 00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:07,474 and I'm not quitting the band. 410 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,742 Okay, fine, no more sex. 411 00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,378 What? 412 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,179 You're not allowed to go down on me for one month. 413 00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:14,481 No, Judith, please... 414 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,717 Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges. 415 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:19,652 ( CHERRY, CHERRY by Neil Diamond PLAYING) 416 00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:25,658 * My baby is loving me, yes, yes, she does 417 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,361 * Oh, she tells me all the time, oh, Cherry 418 00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:30,263 * All the time 419 00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:31,931 * She says she's going to be showing me tonight 420 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,767 * Oh, Cherry, what are you going to show me? 421 00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,235 * Oh, baby 422 00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:39,972 * You got the way to be moving me, oh, Cherry, baby * 423 00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,574 You go, boys. You sing this song. 424 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:42,875 You know it. Come on, boys. 425 00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,111 Come on! Sing it! Sing it! 426 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:46,779 This blows, man! 427 00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:50,650 Judith's out of control. We gotta do somethin'. 428 00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:53,653 Dude, besides ruining the band, what else has she done? 429 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:57,857 What? Ever since she moved in with him, she's controlled his life. 430 00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:01,794 She didn't like how his ass looked. Made him get butt cheek implants. 431 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:04,764 (GROANS) 432 00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:09,135 I thought his ass looked tighter. 433 00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:11,538 Check this out. Last night, 434 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,840 torched his Neil Diamond albums. 435 00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:15,975 She torched Neil? 436 00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:17,510 DARREN: Oh! 437 00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:24,116 You're right. The woman's a monster. 438 00:21:24,183 --> 00:21:25,618 BOTH: Two, three, four. 439 00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:27,887 * Bop, bop, ba, da, da, ba, da, da, ba, bop, bop 440 00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:30,490 * Bop, bop, ba, da, da, ba, da, da, ba bop, bop 441 00:21:30,557 --> 00:21:33,860 * Bop, bop, ba, da, da, ba, da, da, ba bop, bop * 442 00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:46,138 Hey! Yes! 443 00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:47,907 Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. 444 00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,542 It's all right. 445 00:21:49,609 --> 00:21:51,611 I only have a minute. I have to get back and wax Judith's legs. 446 00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:53,780 We miss you. We never see you anymore. 447 00:21:53,846 --> 00:21:56,148 Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, I am, 448 00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:58,618 but I've just been so happy spending time with Judith. 449 00:21:58,685 --> 00:22:02,321 You know? Plus, with my relationship counseling sessions... 450 00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:04,290 Counseling? Yeah, yeah. 451 00:22:04,357 --> 00:22:06,258 I go two hours, three times a week. 452 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,094 Oh. Who's your counselor? 453 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,496 Judith. 454 00:22:09,562 --> 00:22:11,964 Look. We don't think she's right for you. 455 00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:13,566 Break up with her. 456 00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:16,403 She's ruining our lives and yours. 457 00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,705 And this graph should illustrate our point. Look. 458 00:22:18,771 --> 00:22:23,342 Before Judith, our fun level was at an all-time high, 93. 459 00:22:23,410 --> 00:22:25,277 It is now an eight. 460 00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,414 Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well. 461 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:30,116 Girls, never very high, at nine, 462 00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,552 but look now. Two. 463 00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:34,854 This has obviously led to increased whacking off. 464 00:22:34,921 --> 00:22:36,188 I'm chafing. 465 00:22:36,255 --> 00:22:37,690 (BEEPING) 466 00:22:37,757 --> 00:22:39,659 Shit. I have to get home and heat the wax. 467 00:22:39,726 --> 00:22:43,362 Uh, guys, listen. Thanks for your concern. 468 00:22:43,430 --> 00:22:45,632 Really. And I miss you, too. 469 00:22:45,698 --> 00:22:48,300 But it was great seein' ya, all right? 470 00:22:54,306 --> 00:22:57,544 That guy's in serious trouble. Yeah. 471 00:22:57,610 --> 00:22:59,378 We need to save him. 472 00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:03,382 Sorry to bother ya. 473 00:23:03,450 --> 00:23:05,317 What are you doing here? 474 00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,287 Uh, well, first, we want to apologize for the beer shower. 475 00:23:08,354 --> 00:23:10,322 And the salsa bath. That was bad. 476 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:11,591 Get the hell out of here. 477 00:23:11,658 --> 00:23:13,793 Whoa. Wait. Just give us a minute, okay? 478 00:23:13,860 --> 00:23:15,828 My rate is $200 an hour. 479 00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:18,397 Do you have any money? 480 00:23:19,365 --> 00:23:20,366 I got some of that. 481 00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:24,671 Just give me the big bills. 482 00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:27,306 Six. Is that all you have? 483 00:23:27,373 --> 00:23:29,008 37, 38. 484 00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:34,814 Two and a half minutes. 485 00:23:34,881 --> 00:23:38,250 Okay, look, we don't want you seeing Darren anymore. 486 00:23:38,317 --> 00:23:39,552 We don't think you're right for him. 487 00:23:39,619 --> 00:23:40,853 The band needs him. 488 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,955 But we're prepared to buy you off. 489 00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:44,824 With what? 490 00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:48,728 My house. Okay? Look. 491 00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,631 My grandma here? 492 00:23:51,698 --> 00:23:55,001 She was born in this house, is buried in the backyard. 493 00:23:55,067 --> 00:23:58,671 There's my mom. There's my dad, and there's me. 494 00:23:59,706 --> 00:24:02,208 My dad was droppin' me on my head. 495 00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:05,444 But we're willing 496 00:24:05,512 --> 00:24:07,446 to sign this over to you, 497 00:24:07,514 --> 00:24:10,149 if you just agree not to see Darren. 498 00:24:10,216 --> 00:24:12,885 I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother. 499 00:24:13,653 --> 00:24:15,054 I'll throw J.D. in. 500 00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:17,557 He doesn't look like much, but he's hung like a horse. 501 00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:19,592 It's true. 502 00:24:19,659 --> 00:24:22,962 Look, Darren's mine. There's nothing you can do about it. 503 00:24:23,029 --> 00:24:24,997 I own him. He does whatever I say. 504 00:24:25,064 --> 00:24:26,833 I'm in complete control of him. 505 00:24:26,899 --> 00:24:29,869 He's my puppet, and I'm his puppet master. 506 00:24:29,936 --> 00:24:31,804 You're not takin' Darren away from us! 507 00:24:31,871 --> 00:24:33,339 Just try to stop me. 508 00:24:35,374 --> 00:24:37,476 One round. Winner takes Darren. 509 00:24:37,544 --> 00:24:38,778 You're on. Kick her ass. 510 00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:39,846 Go. 511 00:24:40,847 --> 00:24:42,715 You've got quite a grip. 512 00:24:42,782 --> 00:24:44,383 You must be a heavy masturbator. 513 00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:47,186 My guess is... Three times a day? 514 00:24:47,253 --> 00:24:49,321 I bet you're also a premature ejaculator. 515 00:24:49,388 --> 00:24:51,057 Start off with a big bang. 516 00:24:51,123 --> 00:24:52,959 Before you know it, you're limp. 517 00:24:53,025 --> 00:24:54,226 (ALARM BEEPING) 518 00:24:54,293 --> 00:24:55,862 Hey! I win. You lose. Now get out. 519 00:24:56,696 --> 00:24:57,764 God! 520 00:24:57,830 --> 00:24:58,898 God! 521 00:25:07,574 --> 00:25:09,175 Hey, check it out. 522 00:25:11,611 --> 00:25:13,880 Hey, baby. 523 00:25:13,946 --> 00:25:16,115 Hello, ladies. 524 00:25:16,182 --> 00:25:17,483 (CHUCKLES) 525 00:25:17,550 --> 00:25:19,218 So, uh, how much? 526 00:25:19,285 --> 00:25:22,822 50 bucks for you and 200 for your friend. 527 00:25:24,991 --> 00:25:26,793 Okay. All right. 528 00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:28,761 I want you to be laughin' like he just said somethin'... 529 00:25:28,828 --> 00:25:30,229 (LAUGHING) 530 00:25:30,296 --> 00:25:31,598 (I LIKE TO MOVE IT by Reel 2 Real PLAYING ON STEREO) 531 00:25:31,664 --> 00:25:32,765 Perfect! 532 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,602 Get this one! Be like this! 533 00:25:35,668 --> 00:25:37,036 Like this! Like this! 534 00:25:37,103 --> 00:25:38,504 Douche! Douche! 535 00:25:38,571 --> 00:25:39,939 Yeah you... Slap his ass! 536 00:25:43,342 --> 00:25:44,543 That's not sexy. 537 00:25:49,248 --> 00:25:50,282 Yeah! Awesome! 538 00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:55,554 Dude, watch it! 539 00:25:58,591 --> 00:26:00,092 You're movin my guy. 540 00:26:05,031 --> 00:26:06,833 Oh. 541 00:26:06,899 --> 00:26:08,067 Look it. Look it. 542 00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:14,741 J.D.: Good. 543 00:26:17,777 --> 00:26:19,245 WAYNE: Ah, dude. Check this out. 544 00:26:20,747 --> 00:26:21,981 J.D.: Hurry up. Let's go. WAYNE: Okay. 545 00:26:22,048 --> 00:26:24,083 Okay, mailed. Check. Let's go. 546 00:26:24,150 --> 00:26:26,085 Don't look back! 547 00:26:26,753 --> 00:26:27,854 Hurry up! Come on! 548 00:26:29,121 --> 00:26:30,790 Hey, Judith. How's it goin'? 549 00:26:30,857 --> 00:26:33,492 Not so good. Look at these. 550 00:26:37,463 --> 00:26:39,331 Oh, my God. Oh! 551 00:26:40,767 --> 00:26:43,636 He's sick. He's perverted. 552 00:26:43,703 --> 00:26:44,937 And he's cheatin' on you. 553 00:26:45,004 --> 00:26:46,639 With two chicks. 554 00:26:46,706 --> 00:26:49,075 I don't know. I guess I'd dump him? 555 00:26:49,141 --> 00:26:50,242 Oh, totally. 556 00:26:50,309 --> 00:26:51,778 Right? Yeah! 557 00:26:51,844 --> 00:26:55,581 Do you guys think there's anything weird about these photos, though? 558 00:26:55,648 --> 00:26:58,217 Mmm, no. No, that's Darren, all right. 559 00:26:58,584 --> 00:27:00,653 Hey! 560 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,855 Darren doesn't have a tattoo. 561 00:27:05,591 --> 00:27:06,959 Nice try, idiots. 562 00:27:07,026 --> 00:27:09,829 If I ever see either one of you near Darren again, 563 00:27:09,896 --> 00:27:11,163 I'll kill you. 564 00:27:18,370 --> 00:27:19,806 (PEOPLE CHATTERING) 565 00:27:20,773 --> 00:27:21,874 Hey, hey. 566 00:27:21,941 --> 00:27:23,109 Hey! Hey. 567 00:27:23,175 --> 00:27:24,643 Thanks for meeting me here. 568 00:27:24,711 --> 00:27:27,513 I have something really important to tell you guys. 569 00:27:27,579 --> 00:27:29,682 Aw, man, you broke up. 570 00:27:29,749 --> 00:27:34,020 No, no, no, no. Out of the blue, 571 00:27:34,086 --> 00:27:36,555 Judith proposed to me. We're engaged. 572 00:27:36,622 --> 00:27:38,624 What? Dude, congratulations. 573 00:27:38,691 --> 00:27:40,392 (FOOT STOMPS) Ow! 574 00:27:40,459 --> 00:27:43,996 Yeah, yeah, starting next week, I'll be known as Mr. Darren Fessbeggler. 575 00:27:44,063 --> 00:27:46,632 Oh, right, 'cause you're gonna take her last name, huh? 576 00:27:46,699 --> 00:27:48,467 Yeah. Wow. 577 00:27:48,534 --> 00:27:52,571 Judith feels, and I think she's got a really good point here, 578 00:27:52,638 --> 00:27:55,742 that it's sexist for the woman to take the man's last name. 579 00:27:55,808 --> 00:27:58,377 Huh. Yeah, and anyway, it's too late 580 00:27:58,444 --> 00:28:01,347 to make any changes because we've already ordered the monogrammed towels. 581 00:28:01,413 --> 00:28:02,749 Right. Yeah. 582 00:28:02,815 --> 00:28:04,350 Darren. 583 00:28:04,416 --> 00:28:07,453 Sandy? Sandy Perkus. 584 00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:09,521 Oh, my God. Darren! Wow! Hey! 585 00:28:09,588 --> 00:28:12,358 It's been so long. Yes, it has. 586 00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:14,794 Hey, it's Wayne. 587 00:28:14,861 --> 00:28:17,463 High school, remember? You remember? 588 00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,298 * You can dance if you want to 589 00:28:19,365 --> 00:28:21,467 * You can leave your friends behind 590 00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:23,702 * Because if your friends don't dance and if they don't dance * 591 00:28:23,770 --> 00:28:27,539 Oh, right, the senior talent show. 592 00:28:27,606 --> 00:28:30,810 Yeah, you were booed off the stage. 593 00:28:31,744 --> 00:28:32,912 That was me. 594 00:28:32,979 --> 00:28:36,382 Yep, Sandy, remember me, J.D. McNugent? 595 00:28:36,448 --> 00:28:41,553 I was the guy who went to the prom with the tuxedo painted on my naked body. 596 00:28:41,620 --> 00:28:44,056 Oh, I... I guess I missed it. 597 00:28:44,123 --> 00:28:48,828 I spilled a drink, and the paint ran, and everyone could see my dong. 598 00:28:48,895 --> 00:28:51,430 It doesn't ring a bell. 599 00:28:51,497 --> 00:28:54,867 Oh, oh, oh! Remember that time in science class, 600 00:28:54,934 --> 00:28:58,604 I was lighting farts with a Bunsen burner, and I singed my ball sack? 601 00:28:59,138 --> 00:29:01,740 Oh. No. 602 00:29:01,808 --> 00:29:05,011 Man. I still can't grow hair on my left nut. 603 00:29:05,812 --> 00:29:07,079 It sucks. 604 00:29:08,781 --> 00:29:10,249 So how are ya? 605 00:29:10,316 --> 00:29:13,685 Oh! Great. Great. I...I just moved back to town. 606 00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:15,587 Oh, wow, that's great. 607 00:29:15,654 --> 00:29:18,757 WOMAN: Sandy! Oh, gosh, I have to go, but... 608 00:29:18,825 --> 00:29:20,426 It was... It was great seeing you. 609 00:29:20,492 --> 00:29:22,561 Yeah, same here. Me, too. 610 00:29:24,163 --> 00:29:25,431 Bye. Bye. 611 00:29:25,497 --> 00:29:27,699 Take care. Yeah. Okay, bye. 612 00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:30,602 Awesome. Yeah, bye! Bye. 613 00:29:31,537 --> 00:29:32,939 Wow. 614 00:29:33,005 --> 00:29:35,574 Oh, my God! This is it! 615 00:29:35,641 --> 00:29:37,576 What? 616 00:29:37,643 --> 00:29:41,147 It's your big chance. Sandy Perkus has just walked back into your life. 617 00:29:41,213 --> 00:29:44,250 You even said so yourself. She was your one-and-only someone! 618 00:29:44,316 --> 00:29:45,651 She used to be. 619 00:29:45,717 --> 00:29:48,054 Now Judith is my one-and-only someone. 620 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,823 Okay, I'll... I'll talk to you guys later, okay? 621 00:29:51,958 --> 00:29:54,626 Isn't one-and-only like one... 622 00:29:56,028 --> 00:29:57,296 And only? 623 00:29:57,897 --> 00:29:59,331 (PIANO PLAYING) 624 00:29:59,398 --> 00:30:01,467 (PEOPLE CHATTERING) 625 00:30:04,871 --> 00:30:07,439 Here's your drink. Where's the lemon wedge? 626 00:30:07,506 --> 00:30:10,309 Sorry. We were out of lemons, but I could run to the store. 627 00:30:10,376 --> 00:30:13,745 Forget it. I want you to meet two exciting people. 628 00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:16,748 Brett is a tax attorney, and Clayton's a CPA. 629 00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:19,751 Wow. That... That is... That is exciting. 630 00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,587 This is my fiancé, Darren. 631 00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:22,889 Pleased to meet you. Same here. 632 00:30:22,955 --> 00:30:24,790 Congratulations. Thank you. 633 00:30:24,857 --> 00:30:27,326 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, excuse me. I'll get that. 634 00:30:31,130 --> 00:30:32,198 Hi. 635 00:30:32,264 --> 00:30:34,400 Hi. Is, uh, Darren here? 636 00:30:34,466 --> 00:30:36,936 I think he left his Vespa helmet. 637 00:30:37,003 --> 00:30:38,337 What's goin' on? 638 00:30:38,404 --> 00:30:40,006 We're having our engagement party. 639 00:30:40,072 --> 00:30:45,377 Oh, then I guess our invitations must have been lost in the mail. 640 00:30:45,444 --> 00:30:48,647 No, I think it's very possible, Wayne, 641 00:30:48,714 --> 00:30:50,983 that she didn't even send us invitations. 642 00:30:52,818 --> 00:30:54,020 Thanks for stopping by. 643 00:30:54,086 --> 00:30:55,754 Who's Darren talkin' to? 644 00:30:55,821 --> 00:30:57,289 Those are his new friends. 645 00:30:59,791 --> 00:31:01,193 Oh, hey, guys. 646 00:31:01,260 --> 00:31:03,695 Oh, good. I'll have a merlot. I'll have a spritzer. 647 00:31:03,762 --> 00:31:05,597 We don't work here. 648 00:31:05,664 --> 00:31:08,700 Fooled me. Okay, my name is Brett, and this is Clayton. 649 00:31:08,767 --> 00:31:09,868 And this is Darren. 650 00:31:09,936 --> 00:31:12,804 Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton. 651 00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:15,174 Darren's our friend, Brett. 652 00:31:15,241 --> 00:31:18,544 We knew him first. Fuck you, replacement friend! 653 00:31:18,610 --> 00:31:20,312 Eat this, fake Wayne! 654 00:31:21,813 --> 00:31:24,683 (MEN CLAMORING) 655 00:31:24,750 --> 00:31:25,784 (YELLING) 656 00:31:27,553 --> 00:31:28,720 (SHRIEKS) 657 00:31:29,821 --> 00:31:31,223 (ALL SHOUTING) 658 00:31:33,792 --> 00:31:34,793 Get out of here! 659 00:31:35,761 --> 00:31:37,163 MEN: Get out! 660 00:31:42,068 --> 00:31:43,569 Hey! This isn't over yet! 661 00:31:43,635 --> 00:31:46,705 We're not givin' up on Darren! Yeah! 662 00:31:46,772 --> 00:31:48,807 Come on! Yeah, ha! 663 00:31:53,712 --> 00:31:56,015 WAYNE: She thinks this game is over. 664 00:31:56,082 --> 00:31:58,117 It's not over! No! 665 00:31:58,184 --> 00:32:00,419 We are taking this into overtime! 666 00:32:00,486 --> 00:32:02,388 Come on! Yeah, ha! 667 00:32:02,454 --> 00:32:04,856 Yeah! Okay, strategy session. 668 00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:06,758 Okay, our enemy is wicked. 669 00:32:06,825 --> 00:32:08,260 Dude, she's Freddy Krueger. 670 00:32:08,327 --> 00:32:10,329 Damien. Dude, she's Vader. 671 00:32:10,396 --> 00:32:12,231 No! She's the Emperor! 672 00:32:12,298 --> 00:32:13,966 Yeah, but with really great tits. 673 00:32:14,033 --> 00:32:16,635 Okay, now, Sandy, that girl, she's a nice girl. 674 00:32:16,702 --> 00:32:17,736 Oh, yeah. 675 00:32:17,803 --> 00:32:19,538 She's a sweetheart. Dude, a saint. 676 00:32:19,605 --> 00:32:21,140 She's a goddess. A princess. 677 00:32:21,207 --> 00:32:23,909 Know what, she's kind of like Mother Teresa. 678 00:32:23,976 --> 00:32:25,944 Yeah, but with way better tits. 679 00:32:26,012 --> 00:32:30,316 And Darren loves Sandy, no matter what he says. Definitely. 680 00:32:30,382 --> 00:32:32,418 That is why we have to intervene... Yep. 681 00:32:32,484 --> 00:32:34,353 And fix the problem! Definitely! 682 00:32:34,420 --> 00:32:36,522 All right! Yeah! 683 00:32:36,588 --> 00:32:39,491 We're gonna kidnap Judith and set Darren up with Sandy. 684 00:32:39,558 --> 00:32:41,127 Yeah! 685 00:32:42,995 --> 00:32:44,096 What? 686 00:32:48,534 --> 00:32:49,701 (STATIC CRACKLING) 687 00:32:49,768 --> 00:32:52,438 (IMITATES STATIC) The bat is leaving the cave. 688 00:32:53,205 --> 00:32:55,107 Roger that. 689 00:33:04,716 --> 00:33:05,817 Gaw... 690 00:33:06,452 --> 00:33:07,486 Uh? 691 00:33:11,757 --> 00:33:15,394 WAYNE ON RADIO: Alarm system has been deactivated. Out. 692 00:33:15,461 --> 00:33:18,297 (IMITATES STATIC) Roger that. 693 00:33:18,364 --> 00:33:19,731 Dude, you don't have to do the... 694 00:33:19,798 --> 00:33:20,832 (IMITATES STATIC) Sound. 695 00:33:20,899 --> 00:33:22,901 It already does that. Out. 696 00:33:22,968 --> 00:33:25,471 Copy that. I'm not gonna make the (IMITATES STATIC) 697 00:33:25,537 --> 00:33:27,539 sound after I say stuff from now on. 698 00:33:29,441 --> 00:33:31,810 J.D. McNugent, over and out. 699 00:33:31,877 --> 00:33:33,145 (IMITATES STATIC) 700 00:33:33,212 --> 00:33:34,913 That was the last one. 701 00:33:45,957 --> 00:33:47,859 (WHISPERING) I'm scared. What if we get caught? 702 00:33:47,926 --> 00:33:49,095 (WHISPERING) Not gonna happen. 703 00:33:55,134 --> 00:33:57,336 I'm hungry. 704 00:33:57,403 --> 00:33:58,870 We'll eat later. 705 00:33:58,937 --> 00:34:00,772 Could we go to Happy Burger? 706 00:34:00,839 --> 00:34:02,908 Yes, after the kidnapping. 707 00:34:02,974 --> 00:34:05,711 I'm gonna get a Chubby Checker with... Shh! 708 00:34:07,179 --> 00:34:08,580 With cheese. 709 00:34:18,357 --> 00:34:19,625 (CAWS) 710 00:34:25,531 --> 00:34:26,632 What? 711 00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:37,143 You go downstairs. I'll check upstairs. 712 00:34:37,209 --> 00:34:39,411 Do the Navy SEALs signals. Come on. 713 00:34:39,478 --> 00:34:42,614 I only know the Air Force signals. 714 00:34:42,681 --> 00:34:45,584 J.D.: I'm gonna be on lookout. Shh! God. 715 00:34:54,260 --> 00:34:56,195 WAYNE: I haven't located her yet. 716 00:34:56,262 --> 00:34:57,596 Me neither. 717 00:34:57,663 --> 00:34:59,298 Keep checking. 718 00:34:59,365 --> 00:35:03,269 Wait a second, I think I see something in the back of the refrig... 719 00:35:04,303 --> 00:35:06,338 In the back of the closet. 720 00:35:06,405 --> 00:35:08,073 Check it out. 721 00:35:08,140 --> 00:35:10,476 Nope. Coast is clear. 722 00:35:10,542 --> 00:35:12,511 I'm gonna keep lookin' down here, buddy. 723 00:35:12,578 --> 00:35:14,613 You keep an eye peeled up there. 724 00:35:16,215 --> 00:35:17,749 (DOOR CREAKS) 725 00:35:26,158 --> 00:35:28,026 (FLOOR CREAKS) 726 00:35:28,093 --> 00:35:29,628 (GASPS) 727 00:35:29,695 --> 00:35:30,696 (GRUNTS) 728 00:35:30,762 --> 00:35:33,332 Ow! Oh, shit! 729 00:35:33,399 --> 00:35:35,301 (WAYNE SHOUTING ON RADIO) 730 00:35:35,367 --> 00:35:36,535 What is it? 731 00:35:36,602 --> 00:35:38,804 I'm hit. I need backup. 732 00:35:39,905 --> 00:35:41,240 I'm comin'. 733 00:35:44,510 --> 00:35:45,511 What happened? 734 00:35:45,577 --> 00:35:46,945 (EXCLAIMS) 735 00:35:47,012 --> 00:35:48,414 (WHIMPERS) 736 00:35:56,855 --> 00:35:58,690 (MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) 737 00:36:04,496 --> 00:36:05,497 (SHOUTS) 738 00:36:05,564 --> 00:36:06,798 (LAUGHING) 739 00:36:06,865 --> 00:36:08,367 (SCREAMING) 740 00:36:10,436 --> 00:36:11,503 Ow! 741 00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:14,306 Help! 742 00:36:16,275 --> 00:36:18,310 (GROANING) 743 00:36:29,921 --> 00:36:31,790 Dead... Leg. 744 00:36:33,292 --> 00:36:34,393 (GROANS) 745 00:36:34,460 --> 00:36:36,194 Help me, Wayne! 746 00:36:41,467 --> 00:36:42,468 (SHOUTS) 747 00:36:43,235 --> 00:36:44,436 Oh, my God! 748 00:36:46,438 --> 00:36:48,574 (SCREAMS) 749 00:36:58,149 --> 00:37:00,786 (GROANING) Get the door. Get the door. 750 00:37:00,852 --> 00:37:02,754 (GRUNTING) 751 00:37:23,909 --> 00:37:25,110 DARREN: Judith? 752 00:37:28,347 --> 00:37:29,415 Judith? 753 00:37:31,917 --> 00:37:34,786 DARREN: "Darren, I'm leaving you. We're finished. Done. 754 00:37:34,853 --> 00:37:37,255 "Don't call, write, e-mail or fax. 755 00:37:37,323 --> 00:37:40,091 "I never want to see your face or your fake butt again." 756 00:37:45,063 --> 00:37:47,366 (DOGS BARKING) 757 00:37:51,737 --> 00:37:53,004 (GASPS) 758 00:38:02,314 --> 00:38:03,549 (GASPS) 759 00:38:11,690 --> 00:38:13,459 Okay, get down there. 760 00:38:13,525 --> 00:38:15,727 Dude, wait. Why me? 761 00:38:15,794 --> 00:38:18,063 Because you're in charge of guarding Judith. 762 00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:19,665 I'm dealing with Darren and Sandy. 763 00:38:19,731 --> 00:38:21,232 But when we let her go, 764 00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:22,801 she'll be able to identify me. 765 00:38:22,868 --> 00:38:26,905 No, she, uh, won't be able to, 'cause you'll be wearing this. 766 00:38:26,972 --> 00:38:28,574 But after we let Judith go, 767 00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,009 the cops will be looking for a guy dressed in a bird suit. 768 00:38:31,076 --> 00:38:33,445 So? So what am I gonna wear to work? 769 00:38:33,512 --> 00:38:34,946 Your work clothes. 770 00:38:35,013 --> 00:38:36,982 But tomorrow's casual Friday. 771 00:38:37,583 --> 00:38:39,250 Get downstairs! 772 00:38:46,592 --> 00:38:47,993 Who the hell are you? 773 00:38:55,801 --> 00:38:56,902 (DOOR LOCKS) 774 00:39:02,240 --> 00:39:04,910 Hi. Hey, Sandy! 775 00:39:04,976 --> 00:39:08,013 Hi. Hi, yeah. 776 00:39:08,079 --> 00:39:10,616 Thanks for meeting me. I know I just called you out of the blue. 777 00:39:10,682 --> 00:39:12,183 That's okay. 778 00:39:12,250 --> 00:39:14,386 I love catching up with old high school friends. 779 00:39:14,453 --> 00:39:16,187 Yeah. Are you single? 780 00:39:16,254 --> 00:39:17,789 Yes. 781 00:39:17,856 --> 00:39:21,560 Great. Look, I wanted to talk to you about Darren Silverman. 782 00:39:21,627 --> 00:39:23,228 He's a really good guy. Ah. 783 00:39:23,294 --> 00:39:26,331 You know what? He works with the elderly. 784 00:39:26,398 --> 00:39:27,899 Really! Yeah. 785 00:39:27,966 --> 00:39:29,300 That is so sweet. 786 00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:31,202 You know, he still talks about you all the time. 787 00:39:31,269 --> 00:39:32,971 Oh, Wayne, there's something I need to... 788 00:39:33,038 --> 00:39:34,873 He even writes poems about you. 789 00:39:34,940 --> 00:39:38,444 In fact, I think he loves you. 790 00:39:38,510 --> 00:39:40,946 Wayne, I'm going to become a nun. 791 00:39:41,012 --> 00:39:42,147 Huh? 792 00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:43,281 Yeah. 793 00:39:43,348 --> 00:39:45,517 In a week I take my final vows. 794 00:39:45,584 --> 00:39:49,120 I didn't even know that you were religious. 795 00:39:49,187 --> 00:39:51,122 Oh, well, I wasn't in high school. 796 00:39:51,189 --> 00:39:54,793 But after I graduated, I went and I joined my parents in the circus. 797 00:39:54,860 --> 00:39:56,762 And I became a trapeze artist. 798 00:39:56,828 --> 00:39:58,430 (CHEERING) 799 00:39:58,497 --> 00:40:01,399 SANDY: I fell in love with my partner, Luigi Panini. 800 00:40:01,467 --> 00:40:05,537 MAN ON P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Luigi! 801 00:40:05,604 --> 00:40:08,540 Everything was perfect, until... 802 00:40:08,607 --> 00:40:10,909 Well, there were these talent scouts in the audience. 803 00:40:10,976 --> 00:40:13,378 Luigi wanted to impress them. 804 00:40:13,445 --> 00:40:15,213 He was a great trapeze artist, 805 00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,282 but he was completely vain. 806 00:40:17,348 --> 00:40:19,818 MAN ON PA: And now Luigi will attempt the most dangerous stunt 807 00:40:19,885 --> 00:40:21,787 in the history of trapeze, 808 00:40:21,853 --> 00:40:23,689 the Quadruple Bierman. 809 00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:25,390 (CROWD GASPING) 810 00:40:28,393 --> 00:40:29,761 (GASPING) 811 00:40:33,064 --> 00:40:34,700 (CHEERING) 812 00:40:39,505 --> 00:40:41,239 Luigi! 813 00:40:41,306 --> 00:40:42,474 (ALL GASPING) 814 00:40:42,541 --> 00:40:43,542 (LUIGI THUDS) 815 00:40:44,409 --> 00:40:45,611 Wow. 816 00:40:45,677 --> 00:40:47,045 Yeah. 817 00:40:47,112 --> 00:40:51,116 After Luigi died, I knew I would never love again. 818 00:40:51,182 --> 00:40:55,954 That's when I decided to devote my life to serving the Lord and helping others. 819 00:40:56,021 --> 00:41:00,125 So you haven't taken your final vows yet, right? 820 00:41:00,191 --> 00:41:01,359 Right. 821 00:41:01,426 --> 00:41:05,230 So, technically, you're not a nun yet. 822 00:41:05,296 --> 00:41:07,966 Well, no. I mean, not yet. 823 00:41:08,033 --> 00:41:10,969 So why not just have lunch with Darren? 824 00:41:13,038 --> 00:41:15,574 I just can't figure out why Judith left. 825 00:41:15,641 --> 00:41:17,375 It doesn't make any sense. 826 00:41:17,442 --> 00:41:19,244 She didn't even take her clothes. 827 00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:21,613 Maybe she went someplace where she didn't need clothes, 828 00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:23,048 like a nudist colony. 829 00:41:23,114 --> 00:41:25,951 I don't think so. Maybe she got kidnapped. 830 00:41:26,017 --> 00:41:27,252 You think? 831 00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:29,387 No, no. Definitely not. 832 00:41:29,454 --> 00:41:31,289 That's impossible. That's like... 833 00:41:31,356 --> 00:41:33,992 Why would that happen in a world? 834 00:41:34,059 --> 00:41:35,326 Maybe she's a lesbo. 835 00:41:37,462 --> 00:41:38,730 Maybe she's a herm. 836 00:41:40,632 --> 00:41:44,335 Yeah, hermaphrodite. Little dick, little puss. (CHUCKLING) What? 837 00:41:46,538 --> 00:41:48,707 Hey! 838 00:41:48,774 --> 00:41:50,676 Guess who I bumped into today? 839 00:41:50,742 --> 00:41:54,780 Who? Sandy Perkus, and she wants to see you. 840 00:41:54,846 --> 00:41:56,715 I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne. 841 00:41:56,782 --> 00:41:58,349 She dumped you, dude. 842 00:41:58,416 --> 00:42:01,452 Just have lunch with Sandy. What's it gonna hurt? 843 00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:04,355 No way. Judith's coming back. 844 00:42:04,422 --> 00:42:05,991 Yeah, what if she doesn't? 845 00:42:06,057 --> 00:42:09,294 As long as Judith's alive, I'll never give up on her. 846 00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,729 Okay? Okay? 847 00:42:16,367 --> 00:42:18,870 J.D.: I got it. Crowbar me. 848 00:42:20,205 --> 00:42:22,473 (WOOD SPLINTERING) 849 00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:24,509 Oh, my God. What is it? 850 00:42:24,576 --> 00:42:26,411 This dead chick is really stacked. 851 00:42:29,147 --> 00:42:31,049 (GRUNTING) 852 00:42:32,417 --> 00:42:35,053 Okay, go, go, go. 853 00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,488 What are you doin'? Jacket's caught. 854 00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:38,990 Well, take it off. 855 00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:40,826 I love this jacket! 856 00:42:41,326 --> 00:42:42,493 Lose it! 857 00:42:46,031 --> 00:42:48,466 (SHOUTING) Oh, why, why, why? 858 00:42:59,277 --> 00:43:02,681 Damn. That was my favorite jacket. 859 00:43:07,318 --> 00:43:10,421 A bizarre incident last night. Local resident, Judith Fessbeggler, 860 00:43:10,488 --> 00:43:13,224 was incinerated beyond recognition when her BMW 861 00:43:13,291 --> 00:43:15,593 careened off a cliff into a rocky gorge. 862 00:43:15,661 --> 00:43:17,395 Investigators have declared it an accident, 863 00:43:17,462 --> 00:43:19,597 and no foul play is suspected. 864 00:43:20,498 --> 00:43:22,267 (SOBBING) 865 00:43:22,333 --> 00:43:25,671 And in unrelated news, the body of deceased local resident Joan Snerd 866 00:43:25,737 --> 00:43:28,006 was dug up in an apparent grave robbing last night. 867 00:43:28,073 --> 00:43:30,375 Police have arrested three Cuban nationals. 868 00:43:30,441 --> 00:43:32,277 (SOBBING) 869 00:43:41,653 --> 00:43:43,054 Why are you doin' this? 870 00:43:43,121 --> 00:43:45,590 So you can eat and have somethin' to wear. 871 00:43:45,657 --> 00:43:47,793 No, why did you kidnap me? 872 00:43:47,859 --> 00:43:49,227 I'm not supposed to tell ya. 873 00:43:49,294 --> 00:43:52,497 Oh, I get it. The other guy is the boss. 874 00:43:54,232 --> 00:43:56,434 No, I make decisions, too. 875 00:43:57,435 --> 00:43:59,604 I suggested that. 876 00:43:59,671 --> 00:44:01,206 JUDITH: An outhouse. Clever. 877 00:44:01,272 --> 00:44:02,340 Thanks. 878 00:44:02,407 --> 00:44:04,109 You must be very well-educated. 879 00:44:04,175 --> 00:44:05,210 I suppose. 880 00:44:05,276 --> 00:44:06,344 Ivy league? 881 00:44:06,411 --> 00:44:07,478 More or less. 882 00:44:07,545 --> 00:44:09,647 Oh, which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton? 883 00:44:09,715 --> 00:44:10,782 SU. 884 00:44:10,849 --> 00:44:12,550 Oh, Stanford University? 885 00:44:14,552 --> 00:44:16,688 Subway University. 886 00:44:16,755 --> 00:44:19,224 Oh, yeah, wait. I know someone who went there. 887 00:44:19,290 --> 00:44:20,726 Did you know J.D. McNugent? 888 00:44:20,792 --> 00:44:22,527 No, no. 889 00:44:22,593 --> 00:44:24,395 Never heard of such a person ever! 890 00:44:24,462 --> 00:44:26,331 Oh, well. 891 00:44:26,397 --> 00:44:27,766 Well, see you later, J.D. 892 00:44:27,833 --> 00:44:29,134 Take it easy, Judith. 893 00:44:31,036 --> 00:44:32,971 Goddamnit! 894 00:44:33,038 --> 00:44:34,605 She knows who we are? 895 00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:36,641 Dude, there was nothin' I could do. 896 00:44:36,708 --> 00:44:38,910 She used her super intellect on me, man. 897 00:44:38,977 --> 00:44:40,278 She's like Hannibal Lecter. 898 00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,080 Great. Now we can't let her go. 899 00:44:42,147 --> 00:44:43,749 So what are we gonna do? 900 00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:47,318 J.D. AND WAYNE: Coach! Coach! Hey! 901 00:44:47,385 --> 00:44:49,788 Well! If it ain't my favorite third-string quarterback... 902 00:44:49,855 --> 00:44:52,357 And the best damn mascot Wheaton High School ever had. 903 00:44:52,423 --> 00:44:53,424 (SQUAWKING) 904 00:44:53,491 --> 00:44:54,960 (LAUGHING) He's still got it. 905 00:44:55,026 --> 00:44:56,294 All right. 906 00:44:56,361 --> 00:44:57,996 It's good seein' you boys. 907 00:44:58,063 --> 00:44:59,965 I want to thank you for comin' to my trial. 908 00:45:00,031 --> 00:45:01,466 Oh no problem, Coach. 909 00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:03,869 We were happy to act as witnesses on your behalf. 910 00:45:03,935 --> 00:45:06,271 Yeah, that ref blew. He deserved what he got. 911 00:45:07,906 --> 00:45:09,174 (PEOPLE SHOUTING) 912 00:45:10,308 --> 00:45:11,810 Touchdown! 913 00:45:11,877 --> 00:45:14,579 No touchdown! No touchdown! He's out of bounds! 914 00:45:14,645 --> 00:45:16,581 What? Out of bounds! 915 00:45:20,819 --> 00:45:22,453 CROWD: Oh! 916 00:45:23,221 --> 00:45:24,790 (ALL GASPING) 917 00:45:24,856 --> 00:45:26,124 Whoops. 918 00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:29,327 (CREAKING) 919 00:45:30,829 --> 00:45:33,464 Coach, do you think after you get out of prison 920 00:45:33,531 --> 00:45:35,801 they'll let you get your old job back? 921 00:45:35,867 --> 00:45:38,837 Well, boys, I don't think so. 922 00:45:38,904 --> 00:45:40,972 So when are they gonna let you out? 923 00:45:41,039 --> 00:45:42,808 Well, I've got an appeal pending, 924 00:45:42,874 --> 00:45:44,742 but it doesn't look good. 925 00:45:44,810 --> 00:45:47,946 The victim's whiny family's protesting. 926 00:45:48,013 --> 00:45:50,081 What's their damn problem? 927 00:45:50,148 --> 00:45:52,550 So what brings you boys up here today? 928 00:45:52,617 --> 00:45:54,853 Well, Coach, we need your advice. 929 00:45:54,920 --> 00:45:56,287 Okay, shoot. 930 00:45:56,354 --> 00:45:59,090 Darren fell in love with this girl Judith. 931 00:45:59,157 --> 00:46:01,126 And we kidnapped her. 932 00:46:01,192 --> 00:46:02,360 Kill her. 933 00:46:02,427 --> 00:46:05,330 Okay, just wait a minute. Let me finish. 934 00:46:05,396 --> 00:46:09,100 So, we screwed up, 'cause now she knows who we are. 935 00:46:09,167 --> 00:46:12,270 We can't let her go, or she'll turn us in. 936 00:46:12,337 --> 00:46:14,039 Is that it? That everything? 937 00:46:14,105 --> 00:46:15,540 Yeah. 938 00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:16,741 Hmm. 939 00:46:16,808 --> 00:46:17,943 Kill her! 940 00:46:18,009 --> 00:46:20,645 Well, we can't kill her. 941 00:46:20,711 --> 00:46:22,347 Sure, you can! 942 00:46:22,413 --> 00:46:24,382 You're Wheaton Warbirds. You can do anything you put your minds to. 943 00:46:24,449 --> 00:46:26,351 Yeah, but, Coach, come on. 944 00:46:26,417 --> 00:46:28,153 We can't actually kill a person. 945 00:46:28,219 --> 00:46:31,089 What is it that I always said? 946 00:46:31,156 --> 00:46:33,791 BOTH: If you can dream it, you can do it. 947 00:46:33,859 --> 00:46:35,026 Exactly! 948 00:46:35,093 --> 00:46:36,361 You have the dream. 949 00:46:36,427 --> 00:46:38,463 All you have to do is turn it into reality. 950 00:46:39,497 --> 00:46:41,432 Okay. Attaboy! 951 00:46:41,499 --> 00:46:43,501 Now go on home and snuff that bitch! 952 00:46:43,568 --> 00:46:44,936 Come on, move. Thanks, Coach. 953 00:46:45,003 --> 00:46:47,572 Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! 954 00:46:51,542 --> 00:46:52,978 Where's your bird suit? 955 00:46:53,044 --> 00:46:55,713 I don't need it, because we're... 956 00:46:57,315 --> 00:46:59,417 Because we're gonna kill you, right? 957 00:46:59,484 --> 00:47:00,485 Right. 958 00:47:02,287 --> 00:47:04,222 You guys aren't gonna shoot me. 959 00:47:04,289 --> 00:47:06,391 Oh, yeah? What makes you say that? 960 00:47:06,457 --> 00:47:07,692 Because you're not killers. 961 00:47:07,758 --> 00:47:09,127 Sure, we are. 962 00:47:09,194 --> 00:47:10,728 You've never killed anyone. 963 00:47:10,795 --> 00:47:12,530 I killed a man once. Oh, really? 964 00:47:12,597 --> 00:47:14,099 Yeah. Who? 965 00:47:14,165 --> 00:47:15,967 Kevin... Beckley. 966 00:47:16,034 --> 00:47:19,137 You didn't kill Kevin Beckley. He died in a car wreck. 967 00:47:20,238 --> 00:47:22,908 She doesn't know that. God damn it. 968 00:47:22,974 --> 00:47:26,044 You see? You guys have never killed anything in your entire lives. 969 00:47:26,111 --> 00:47:28,513 Oh, yeah? One time I was drivin', 970 00:47:28,579 --> 00:47:30,148 and this squirrel ran out in the street. 971 00:47:30,215 --> 00:47:31,682 I ran over him. 972 00:47:31,749 --> 00:47:33,651 He didn't die right then, but he was limpin' and stuff. 973 00:47:33,718 --> 00:47:35,220 I'm pretty sure he died right after that. 974 00:47:35,286 --> 00:47:36,721 Look. 975 00:47:36,787 --> 00:47:39,090 It doesn't matter whether we've killed anybody or not. 976 00:47:39,157 --> 00:47:41,692 We're gonna do it right now! Ready? 977 00:47:41,759 --> 00:47:42,793 J.D.: Ready! 978 00:47:44,829 --> 00:47:45,897 Well, do it. 979 00:47:45,964 --> 00:47:47,465 I can't! God! 980 00:47:47,532 --> 00:47:48,934 God damn it! 981 00:47:52,203 --> 00:47:54,539 ( SHOW ME THE MEANING OF BEING LONELY by The Backstreet Boys PLAYING) 982 00:47:58,176 --> 00:48:00,078 Okay, it's Tuesday! 983 00:48:00,145 --> 00:48:01,179 So? 984 00:48:01,246 --> 00:48:03,414 So you're meetin' Sandy for lunch. 985 00:48:03,481 --> 00:48:05,150 Can't you see I'm in mourning? 986 00:48:05,216 --> 00:48:07,385 Right, but you promised you'd be there. 987 00:48:07,452 --> 00:48:09,220 You gave her your word. 988 00:48:09,287 --> 00:48:10,855 I didn't even talk to her. 989 00:48:10,922 --> 00:48:13,291 Okay, I gave her your word. 990 00:48:13,358 --> 00:48:15,193 For God sakes, Wayne. 991 00:48:15,260 --> 00:48:18,163 When are you gonna give up on this idea that I'll go out with Sandy? 992 00:48:18,229 --> 00:48:20,331 When you go out with Sandy. 993 00:48:22,067 --> 00:48:23,668 Now come on. 994 00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:26,637 Come on. Come on. 995 00:48:26,704 --> 00:48:30,108 Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Hey! 996 00:48:30,175 --> 00:48:33,311 Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. 997 00:48:33,378 --> 00:48:37,548 Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. 998 00:48:37,615 --> 00:48:39,750 WAYNE: Come on! All right! Come on. 999 00:48:41,686 --> 00:48:43,721 Darren. Hi. 1000 00:48:43,788 --> 00:48:47,525 Sandy, hey! Wow. You're wearin' the... 1001 00:48:47,592 --> 00:48:49,961 I'm training to become a nun. 1002 00:48:50,028 --> 00:48:52,998 A nun? Well, that explains it. 1003 00:48:53,064 --> 00:48:55,166 I hope it doesn't freak you out. 1004 00:48:55,233 --> 00:48:58,369 No, it doesn't. Actually, I'm relieved. 1005 00:48:58,436 --> 00:49:02,440 I think Wayne was tryin' to set us up on a date. 1006 00:49:02,507 --> 00:49:05,776 (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah. He's got some crazy ideas. 1007 00:49:05,843 --> 00:49:10,581 Yeah. Now that I know that you're unavailable, 1008 00:49:10,648 --> 00:49:12,250 it makes this easier. 1009 00:49:12,317 --> 00:49:13,684 We can just be friends. 1010 00:49:13,751 --> 00:49:16,021 Yeah. Exactly, friends. 1011 00:49:16,087 --> 00:49:17,188 Please. 1012 00:49:17,255 --> 00:49:20,258 Oh, uh, thank you. Sure. 1013 00:49:21,259 --> 00:49:22,460 So how are your parents? 1014 00:49:22,527 --> 00:49:23,995 Oh, great. 1015 00:49:24,062 --> 00:49:26,331 They're making a fortune on the Internet. 1016 00:49:26,397 --> 00:49:29,634 They started their own website, circusfreak.com. 1017 00:49:29,700 --> 00:49:31,502 Wow. Good for them. 1018 00:49:31,569 --> 00:49:33,804 Oh and how is your brother? Dogfaced boy. 1019 00:49:33,871 --> 00:49:35,540 He got rabies. 1020 00:49:35,606 --> 00:49:37,575 God that's too bad. Yeah. 1021 00:49:37,642 --> 00:49:40,278 For a while there, we thought we were going to have to put him down, but... 1022 00:49:40,911 --> 00:49:41,912 He recovered! 1023 00:49:42,613 --> 00:49:43,814 Oh, good. Good. 1024 00:49:44,815 --> 00:49:46,351 So, how are you? 1025 00:49:46,417 --> 00:49:48,953 Me? I'm... I'm great. 1026 00:49:49,020 --> 00:49:52,257 Yeah, everything's been really good, you know? 1027 00:49:52,323 --> 00:49:53,324 Yeah. 1028 00:49:55,226 --> 00:49:57,362 Well, my fiancée died. 1029 00:49:57,428 --> 00:49:59,697 She died? Yeah, she's dead. 1030 00:49:59,764 --> 00:50:01,866 I am so sorry. Don't be. 1031 00:50:01,932 --> 00:50:04,635 Please don't be sorry. 1032 00:50:04,702 --> 00:50:06,304 It's... It's nothing. 1033 00:50:07,838 --> 00:50:09,874 So how do you feel about... 1034 00:50:10,808 --> 00:50:12,577 (WHIMPERS) 1035 00:50:12,643 --> 00:50:13,811 Oh. 1036 00:50:13,878 --> 00:50:15,246 (SOBBING) 1037 00:50:15,313 --> 00:50:18,049 Oh, no. Oh, gosh. 1038 00:50:18,816 --> 00:50:20,685 Just cry. Okay. 1039 00:50:20,751 --> 00:50:21,852 Let it out. Uh-huh. 1040 00:50:21,919 --> 00:50:24,955 I'm here for you, okay? I'm here for you. 1041 00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:26,023 Thank you. 1042 00:50:27,625 --> 00:50:32,797 * Hello, my friend, hello 1043 00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:36,467 BOTH: * It's good to need you so 1044 00:50:36,534 --> 00:50:38,569 Wait a minute. Wait. 1045 00:50:38,636 --> 00:50:40,571 You're a Neil Diamond fan, too? 1046 00:50:40,638 --> 00:50:43,274 Oh, the man's a genius. 1047 00:50:43,341 --> 00:50:48,979 Yeah, he's...he's the greatest songwriter/performer of this or any generation. 1048 00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:50,215 I know. 1049 00:50:50,281 --> 00:50:53,551 * It's good to love you 1050 00:50:53,618 --> 00:50:55,320 * Like I do 1051 00:50:55,386 --> 00:50:57,388 * And to feel this way 1052 00:50:57,455 --> 00:51:00,325 BOTH: * When I hear you say 1053 00:51:00,391 --> 00:51:02,293 * Hello 1054 00:51:02,993 --> 00:51:04,462 Oh, God. Wow. 1055 00:51:05,696 --> 00:51:07,532 I could've been free. 1056 00:51:07,998 --> 00:51:09,066 Hey. 1057 00:51:10,135 --> 00:51:11,402 (CHUCKLES) 1058 00:51:11,469 --> 00:51:13,271 I brought you some more videos. 1059 00:51:13,338 --> 00:51:16,241 You got your choice, porno or monster trucks. 1060 00:51:16,307 --> 00:51:18,443 Oh, and I got one that's both. Thanks, J.D. 1061 00:51:18,509 --> 00:51:21,812 Hey. I really appreciate you taking care of me. 1062 00:51:21,879 --> 00:51:23,214 My pleasure. 1063 00:51:23,281 --> 00:51:26,617 Hey, you strike me as a pretty responsible guy. 1064 00:51:26,684 --> 00:51:27,852 Uh, thanks. 1065 00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:29,254 Yeah, that's why I'm surprised 1066 00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:31,456 that you let Wayne boss you around. 1067 00:51:33,391 --> 00:51:35,593 Wayne's not... No... He... 1068 00:51:35,660 --> 00:51:38,329 No one bosses me around. Wayne's not the boss of me. 1069 00:51:38,396 --> 00:51:42,300 Yeah, I think that you seem depressed and confused. 1070 00:51:42,367 --> 00:51:43,434 You think? 1071 00:51:43,501 --> 00:51:45,069 Not to mention, I think you're suffering from 1072 00:51:45,136 --> 00:51:47,104 a self-defeating personality disorder. 1073 00:51:47,172 --> 00:51:48,973 Whoa. Mmm-hmm. 1074 00:51:49,039 --> 00:51:50,575 Have you considered therapy? 1075 00:51:52,877 --> 00:51:56,814 I remember in high school, you were really into helping people. 1076 00:51:56,881 --> 00:51:59,650 At parties, you were always the designated driver. 1077 00:51:59,717 --> 00:52:02,753 Right. And I remember you were a really good dancer. 1078 00:52:02,820 --> 00:52:06,757 And strong, too. You used to be able to lift me up over your head. 1079 00:52:06,824 --> 00:52:08,593 Mmm. Still can. 1080 00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:10,761 Oh, really? Mmm-hmm. 1081 00:52:10,828 --> 00:52:12,997 Ready? And... 1082 00:52:13,063 --> 00:52:15,266 Whoa! Whoa! 1083 00:52:17,435 --> 00:52:19,069 Oh, Darren! Help me! 1084 00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:20,671 Are you okay? 1085 00:52:20,738 --> 00:52:22,307 I can't... Just hang on. 1086 00:52:23,341 --> 00:52:25,142 Swim. I can't swim. 1087 00:52:27,845 --> 00:52:29,614 (DARREN GASPING) 1088 00:52:40,691 --> 00:52:42,092 (BOTH GRUNT) 1089 00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:44,262 Darren! Darren! 1090 00:52:44,329 --> 00:52:45,630 Are you okay? 1091 00:52:45,696 --> 00:52:49,300 Thank you. Thank you for saving me. 1092 00:52:49,367 --> 00:52:51,769 (CHUCKLES) No problem. 1093 00:52:58,909 --> 00:53:00,245 (COUGHING) 1094 00:53:01,679 --> 00:53:04,949 Let it out now. There you go. 1095 00:53:07,818 --> 00:53:09,854 Come on. Let's go, okay? 1096 00:53:14,158 --> 00:53:16,727 You're a lot stronger than you were in high school. 1097 00:53:16,794 --> 00:53:20,164 Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym. 1098 00:53:20,231 --> 00:53:21,566 Oh. Yeah. 1099 00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:26,537 And ever since then, I've been afraid of toilets. Right. 1100 00:53:26,604 --> 00:53:29,039 What else can I tell you about the second grade? 1101 00:53:29,106 --> 00:53:31,041 You know what J.D.? Let's fast-forward. 1102 00:53:31,108 --> 00:53:33,010 Have you ever had a girlfriend? Yes. 1103 00:53:34,312 --> 00:53:36,113 No. 1104 00:53:36,180 --> 00:53:38,483 Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man? 1105 00:53:38,549 --> 00:53:40,217 Any man. Which man? 1106 00:53:40,285 --> 00:53:41,619 You mean like a tall man? 1107 00:53:41,686 --> 00:53:43,020 Sure, whatever. 1108 00:53:43,087 --> 00:53:44,555 'Cause I don't like tall people. They bother me. 1109 00:53:44,622 --> 00:53:45,623 Okay, how about a short man? 1110 00:53:45,690 --> 00:53:47,258 How short? 1111 00:53:47,325 --> 00:53:50,428 Sometimes people can be too short. That's weird. Like midgets. 1112 00:53:50,495 --> 00:53:53,030 Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man? 1113 00:53:53,097 --> 00:53:54,565 Any man at all? 1114 00:53:54,632 --> 00:53:56,301 Does that include celebrities? 1115 00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:00,538 Can I ask you something? 1116 00:54:00,605 --> 00:54:02,006 Sure. 1117 00:54:02,072 --> 00:54:04,642 Um, I mean. Not that it matters now. 1118 00:54:06,010 --> 00:54:09,280 But if had asked you out back in high school... 1119 00:54:09,347 --> 00:54:10,715 Would you have gone out with me? 1120 00:54:11,982 --> 00:54:12,983 Definitely. 1121 00:54:14,685 --> 00:54:16,321 Not that it matters now... 1122 00:54:16,387 --> 00:54:18,389 You know... Right. Of course. 1123 00:54:22,793 --> 00:54:23,928 Thanks. Perfect. 1124 00:54:23,994 --> 00:54:24,995 Sure. 1125 00:54:25,630 --> 00:54:27,064 Oh, could you? 1126 00:54:27,131 --> 00:54:28,165 You know, turn around? 1127 00:54:28,232 --> 00:54:29,534 Right, yeah. Certainly. 1128 00:54:36,874 --> 00:54:38,509 Oh and uh... 1129 00:54:38,576 --> 00:54:39,944 I have these... 1130 00:54:41,479 --> 00:54:43,581 Oh. Sorry, sorry. Those are... 1131 00:54:44,582 --> 00:54:45,683 Thanks. 1132 00:54:57,595 --> 00:54:59,397 Um, can you... 1133 00:54:59,464 --> 00:55:00,965 Zip me up? Yeah of course. 1134 00:55:03,601 --> 00:55:05,636 I had a really great time. 1135 00:55:05,703 --> 00:55:07,237 Yeah, me too. 1136 00:55:07,304 --> 00:55:08,473 You want to have dinner tonight? 1137 00:55:08,539 --> 00:55:10,040 I can't. 1138 00:55:10,107 --> 00:55:12,577 Tomorrow, I have a test in my catechism class, 1139 00:55:12,643 --> 00:55:15,012 and I have to score at least an 85 1140 00:55:15,079 --> 00:55:17,815 so I can take my final vows on Sunday. 1141 00:55:17,882 --> 00:55:19,083 What about tomorrow night? 1142 00:55:19,717 --> 00:55:21,251 Tomorrow night, 1143 00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:24,254 I'm scheduled to take care of an elderly nun on her deathbed. 1144 00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:25,523 I understand. 1145 00:55:25,590 --> 00:55:27,124 But I'd really like to see you again. 1146 00:55:29,226 --> 00:55:31,396 I'll get out of it. 1147 00:55:31,462 --> 00:55:34,865 I always knew I was different, and now I know why! 1148 00:55:34,932 --> 00:55:37,267 I'm gay! 1149 00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:41,606 You're the only person who's ever truly understood me! 1150 00:55:41,672 --> 00:55:43,841 (WHINING) I know. It's okay. 1151 00:55:43,908 --> 00:55:47,478 Just let it out. Everything's gonna be okay. 1152 00:55:48,245 --> 00:55:50,014 It's all gonna be okay. 1153 00:55:50,080 --> 00:55:51,882 It's gonna be just... 1154 00:56:05,663 --> 00:56:07,097 Oh! 1155 00:56:07,164 --> 00:56:08,433 Hey! 1156 00:56:18,776 --> 00:56:20,745 Hey! Stop! 1157 00:56:20,811 --> 00:56:22,780 (GROANING) Wayne? 1158 00:56:24,314 --> 00:56:25,616 Wayne! 1159 00:56:25,683 --> 00:56:28,152 (SCREAMING) 1160 00:56:28,218 --> 00:56:29,219 (GROANS) 1161 00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:31,522 Judith escaped! 1162 00:56:33,257 --> 00:56:34,258 Der! 1163 00:56:38,629 --> 00:56:40,431 (GROANING) Get to the truck. 1164 00:56:40,498 --> 00:56:42,667 (BOTH GROANING) 1165 00:56:50,374 --> 00:56:51,842 Judith? 1166 00:56:51,909 --> 00:56:53,277 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1167 00:56:53,343 --> 00:56:54,845 (SCREAMS) 1168 00:56:56,180 --> 00:56:58,082 Okay, she can't be far. 1169 00:57:00,350 --> 00:57:01,519 J.D.: I see her! 1170 00:57:01,586 --> 00:57:04,154 Where? Okay, steady! Steady! 1171 00:57:04,221 --> 00:57:05,322 (GLASS SHATTERING) 1172 00:57:06,223 --> 00:57:07,692 I missed her. 1173 00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:12,797 WAYNE: Gah! 1174 00:57:12,863 --> 00:57:14,899 Now, let's go, go, go! 1175 00:57:14,965 --> 00:57:17,635 You go this way! I'll go that way! All right! 1176 00:57:23,608 --> 00:57:24,642 Hey! 1177 00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:28,946 JUDITH: Open up! I've been kidnapped! 1178 00:57:31,448 --> 00:57:33,250 Hold your goddamn horses. 1179 00:57:33,317 --> 00:57:35,085 Oh, thank God. Hurry up. 1180 00:57:35,152 --> 00:57:36,220 Oh. 1181 00:57:39,356 --> 00:57:41,492 Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky. 1182 00:57:43,961 --> 00:57:46,531 Young lady, so horny, so impatient. 1183 00:57:46,597 --> 00:57:48,398 (SCREAMS) 1184 00:57:50,568 --> 00:57:52,570 Oh, scrotum! 1185 00:57:55,272 --> 00:57:58,576 WAYNE: Dude, she's stealing the truck! Come on! 1186 00:57:58,643 --> 00:58:00,811 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1187 00:58:01,546 --> 00:58:02,713 Now! Do her! 1188 00:58:02,780 --> 00:58:04,048 I got her! 1189 00:58:04,114 --> 00:58:05,449 I got her! 1190 00:58:13,591 --> 00:58:14,725 (GRUNTS) 1191 00:58:15,960 --> 00:58:17,995 Okay, Judith, it's over. 1192 00:58:18,062 --> 00:58:20,397 You might as well turn this thing around and head back to the house. 1193 00:58:20,464 --> 00:58:21,766 Now, come on... Hey! 1194 00:58:22,199 --> 00:58:23,768 (ZAPPING) 1195 00:58:26,370 --> 00:58:27,572 (GROANS) 1196 00:58:28,472 --> 00:58:29,940 Ah! 1197 00:58:30,007 --> 00:58:31,341 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1198 00:58:34,378 --> 00:58:35,880 Oh, thank God. 1199 00:58:40,585 --> 00:58:41,819 (SHRIEKS) 1200 00:58:58,268 --> 00:59:01,371 Hi, officers. You're safe. 1201 00:59:01,438 --> 00:59:05,610 I'm Cowboy Wayne. I just bagged me one of them 1202 00:59:05,676 --> 00:59:09,413 killer goats that escaped from the zoo. 1203 00:59:10,815 --> 00:59:12,617 Good job. Yeah. 1204 00:59:12,683 --> 00:59:14,919 Okay, then. I'll see you later. 1205 00:59:20,157 --> 00:59:21,425 (GRUNTS) 1206 00:59:28,298 --> 00:59:30,034 There. That should hold you for tonight. 1207 00:59:30,100 --> 00:59:31,101 (GRUNTS) 1208 00:59:32,002 --> 00:59:33,203 Don't! 1209 00:59:35,205 --> 00:59:36,340 (EXHALES) 1210 00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:39,910 Hey, what the hell happened? 1211 00:59:39,977 --> 00:59:43,513 Well, Judith was givin' me some therapy... 1212 00:59:43,580 --> 00:59:46,316 And helped me realize I was gay, and the next thing... 1213 00:59:46,383 --> 00:59:48,385 Wait. What? 1214 00:59:48,452 --> 00:59:50,888 (LAUGHING) I see what happened. 1215 00:59:50,955 --> 00:59:52,990 She messed with your head. 1216 00:59:53,057 --> 00:59:54,859 Wayne, I'm gay. 1217 00:59:54,925 --> 00:59:58,595 No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women. 1218 00:59:58,663 --> 01:00:00,297 No, I'm gay. 1219 01:00:00,364 --> 01:00:02,867 Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D. 1220 01:00:02,933 --> 01:00:04,234 How'd she do that? 1221 01:00:04,301 --> 01:00:06,236 She listened, 1222 01:00:06,303 --> 01:00:09,006 unlike other people who've known me for years 1223 01:00:09,073 --> 01:00:11,108 and have ignored all the tell-tale signs. 1224 01:00:11,175 --> 01:00:12,476 Like what? 1225 01:00:12,542 --> 01:00:14,311 Like my obsession with Bette Midler. 1226 01:00:14,378 --> 01:00:16,213 My preference for track lighting. 1227 01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:18,282 Oh, and the fact that I like sucking dick. 1228 01:00:19,283 --> 01:00:20,718 What? 1229 01:00:20,785 --> 01:00:22,319 You've done that? 1230 01:00:22,386 --> 01:00:24,154 No... I mean not with another guy. 1231 01:00:24,221 --> 01:00:25,756 No, but remember when I bought that book on yoga? 1232 01:00:25,823 --> 01:00:26,957 Dude, that... 1233 01:00:27,024 --> 01:00:28,525 That's enough. I don't want to hear anymore. 1234 01:00:28,592 --> 01:00:32,162 Look, you wanna be gay? Fine, no problem. 1235 01:00:32,229 --> 01:00:34,498 But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself. 1236 01:00:34,564 --> 01:00:35,733 Okay? Okay. 1237 01:00:40,938 --> 01:00:42,873 You want to be gay with me? No! 1238 01:00:42,940 --> 01:00:44,274 All right. 1239 01:00:46,276 --> 01:00:48,412 ( COUNTRY GRAMMAR by Nelly PLAYING) 1240 01:00:48,478 --> 01:00:50,681 Come on, come on. Go. Come on. 1241 01:00:50,748 --> 01:00:52,717 All you, all you. All you, 11. 1242 01:00:52,783 --> 01:00:54,785 Okay. One more. One more. Come on. 1243 01:00:54,852 --> 01:00:56,787 One more, one more. Come on. 1244 01:00:56,854 --> 01:00:59,389 (GROANING) Feel the burn. Come on now. 1245 01:01:00,925 --> 01:01:02,727 (EXHALING) 11. Oh. 1246 01:01:03,961 --> 01:01:05,830 What's the matter, dear? 1247 01:01:05,896 --> 01:01:09,533 You never used to be so winded after only five sets. 1248 01:01:09,599 --> 01:01:11,601 Well, Mother Superior, 1249 01:01:11,668 --> 01:01:13,270 (GRUNTING) 1250 01:01:13,337 --> 01:01:17,374 I'm having some second thoughts about becoming a nun. 1251 01:01:18,075 --> 01:01:19,576 Oh, don't get me wrong. 1252 01:01:19,643 --> 01:01:23,147 This is a terrific convent, but I... 1253 01:01:23,213 --> 01:01:25,750 (GRUNTS) But? Well, I... 1254 01:01:26,884 --> 01:01:30,454 I'm having these feelings. 1255 01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,022 What kind of feelings? 1256 01:01:34,424 --> 01:01:35,860 Um, I, uh... 1257 01:01:35,926 --> 01:01:38,462 You mean sexual feelings? 1258 01:01:38,528 --> 01:01:41,531 Yeah. Yeah, but it's so much more than that. 1259 01:01:41,598 --> 01:01:43,700 (GRUNTS) Yes, well... 1260 01:01:43,768 --> 01:01:45,502 My dear... 1261 01:01:45,569 --> 01:01:49,239 You're the only one who can decide if this is the life you want to live. 1262 01:01:49,306 --> 01:01:51,876 But, once you take your final vows, 1263 01:01:54,078 --> 01:01:56,981 there is no going back. 1264 01:01:57,047 --> 01:02:00,350 Now, let's go bust out some power squats. 1265 01:02:03,287 --> 01:02:04,989 (WAYNE WHISTLING) 1266 01:02:14,631 --> 01:02:17,968 There. That should keep you from escaping again. 1267 01:02:18,035 --> 01:02:19,569 And this... 1268 01:02:20,470 --> 01:02:21,505 (GRUNTS) 1269 01:02:21,571 --> 01:02:23,273 This... 1270 01:02:23,340 --> 01:02:26,176 This should keep you from biting. 1271 01:02:26,243 --> 01:02:28,979 How am I gonna eat? I thought of that. 1272 01:02:30,080 --> 01:02:31,982 What is that? It's breakfast. 1273 01:02:32,049 --> 01:02:35,252 It's pancakes, sausage, uh, hash brown, Pop-Tart, pureed. 1274 01:02:35,319 --> 01:02:37,487 I'm not eating that shit. I want a Big Montana. A what? 1275 01:02:37,554 --> 01:02:40,124 A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries. 1276 01:02:40,190 --> 01:02:42,159 No. I'm not gonna get you one. 1277 01:02:42,226 --> 01:02:45,129 If you don't wanna eat what I made for you, then you can starve. 1278 01:02:45,195 --> 01:02:47,331 Why are you doing this? 1279 01:02:47,397 --> 01:02:49,166 It's the only way to save our friendship. 1280 01:02:49,233 --> 01:02:50,734 It doesn't seem like a friendship to me. 1281 01:02:50,801 --> 01:02:52,602 It seems like you're in love with Darren. 1282 01:02:52,669 --> 01:02:54,839 Bullshit! 1283 01:02:54,905 --> 01:02:57,374 Just get over it. Your buddy smokes pole, and so do you. 1284 01:02:57,441 --> 01:03:00,177 (LAUGHING) I am so un-gay. 1285 01:03:00,244 --> 01:03:02,379 Okay, fine. Let's pretend for a second that you're straight. 1286 01:03:02,446 --> 01:03:04,214 When's the last time you got any? 1287 01:03:04,281 --> 01:03:06,383 That's none of your business. 1288 01:03:06,450 --> 01:03:08,085 So, it's been years? 1289 01:03:08,152 --> 01:03:09,619 I'm waiting for the right woman. 1290 01:03:09,686 --> 01:03:11,521 There is no right woman for you, Wayne. 1291 01:03:11,588 --> 01:03:13,657 My guess is, if there ever was, you've already met her. 1292 01:03:13,723 --> 01:03:16,193 And she's either killed herself or become a lesbian. 1293 01:03:16,260 --> 01:03:18,295 Oh bite me! Blow me! 1294 01:03:18,362 --> 01:03:20,230 Skank! Eunuch! 1295 01:03:20,297 --> 01:03:22,732 Stealer... Of my friend! 1296 01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:26,436 (SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) 1297 01:03:28,338 --> 01:03:30,908 Hi. Hey, hi. 1298 01:03:30,975 --> 01:03:32,642 What happened to your head? 1299 01:03:32,709 --> 01:03:35,512 Oh, um, well, 1300 01:03:36,580 --> 01:03:38,248 I saw Judith. 1301 01:03:38,315 --> 01:03:40,217 Judith's dead. 1302 01:03:40,284 --> 01:03:44,221 Yeah, but... I could have sworn it was her. 1303 01:03:44,288 --> 01:03:46,456 I was, uh... You poor thing. 1304 01:03:46,523 --> 01:03:49,193 You're still not over her death. 1305 01:03:49,259 --> 01:03:52,196 Maybe we shouldn't be seeing each other. 1306 01:03:52,262 --> 01:03:54,298 No. No, no. 1307 01:03:54,364 --> 01:03:56,266 No, God, I'm fine. 1308 01:03:56,333 --> 01:03:59,103 And look, I can deal with this. Okay? 1309 01:03:59,169 --> 01:04:00,604 Okay. Okay. 1310 01:04:03,140 --> 01:04:05,943 So, what are you having? Uh, let's see. 1311 01:04:06,010 --> 01:04:07,677 Ah, there's the duck. 1312 01:04:07,744 --> 01:04:09,479 That was always Judith's favorite. 1313 01:04:09,546 --> 01:04:10,881 I'm sorry. I should leave. 1314 01:04:10,948 --> 01:04:12,883 No, you shouldn't. I'm so sorry. 1315 01:04:12,950 --> 01:04:16,786 God, uh, I will never mention Judith's name again, really. 1316 01:04:16,853 --> 01:04:19,456 I swear. I swear. 1317 01:04:19,523 --> 01:04:24,161 Hey, uh, would you excuse me for just a moment? 1318 01:04:24,228 --> 01:04:26,863 Uh, please, I'll... I'll be right back. 1319 01:04:26,931 --> 01:04:29,166 Okay? In a... In a moment. 1320 01:04:32,036 --> 01:04:33,770 (PHONE RINGING) 1321 01:04:34,771 --> 01:04:36,773 Oh! Damn it! 1322 01:04:41,445 --> 01:04:44,114 What do you want? DARREN: Wayne, it's me, Darren. 1323 01:04:44,181 --> 01:04:45,615 Look, there's a problem. 1324 01:04:45,682 --> 01:04:48,986 I'm with Sandy, but I can't stop talking about Judith. 1325 01:04:49,053 --> 01:04:51,188 Okay. I'll be right there. 1326 01:04:56,160 --> 01:04:57,727 (HORN HONKS) 1327 01:05:03,533 --> 01:05:05,669 Okay. Open up your shirt. 1328 01:05:05,735 --> 01:05:07,371 Why? Just do it. 1329 01:05:08,238 --> 01:05:10,207 What is this? 1330 01:05:10,274 --> 01:05:12,977 (GRUNTS) Okay. Now... 1331 01:05:13,944 --> 01:05:15,545 Here's what's gonna happen. 1332 01:05:16,580 --> 01:05:17,814 (GRUNTS) 1333 01:05:17,881 --> 01:05:20,684 I'm going to listen to your conversation. 1334 01:05:21,585 --> 01:05:22,852 Now... 1335 01:05:22,919 --> 01:05:23,920 (GRUNTS) 1336 01:05:23,988 --> 01:05:27,524 If you say anything about Judith, 1337 01:05:27,591 --> 01:05:29,994 or so much as mention her name, 1338 01:05:30,060 --> 01:05:32,829 then, I'm gonna give you a little shock. 1339 01:05:32,896 --> 01:05:35,032 (MACHINE BEEPS) Ow! 1340 01:05:35,099 --> 01:05:37,801 Perfect. Ow! Ow. 1341 01:05:37,867 --> 01:05:39,703 I don't think I'm comfortable 1342 01:05:39,769 --> 01:05:41,838 having these things on my nipples, okay? 1343 01:05:41,905 --> 01:05:43,707 I can put 'em on your balls. 1344 01:05:43,773 --> 01:05:45,442 The nipples are fine. 1345 01:05:45,509 --> 01:05:47,277 Nipples work. Okay. 1346 01:05:48,445 --> 01:05:50,680 Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry. 1347 01:05:50,747 --> 01:05:52,649 I'm back. I am back. 1348 01:05:52,716 --> 01:05:55,019 It was a talkative men's room... Mmm. 1349 01:05:55,085 --> 01:05:57,554 Attendant. That's okay. 1350 01:06:11,601 --> 01:06:13,270 Excuse me. Hey. 1351 01:06:13,337 --> 01:06:15,639 This table's reserved, sir. Do you know what? 1352 01:06:15,705 --> 01:06:18,608 I come here all the time, and I spend a lot of money in this place. 1353 01:06:18,675 --> 01:06:21,045 So, why don't you just leave me the hell alone? 1354 01:06:23,547 --> 01:06:25,782 SANDY: I don't mean to be pushy, but 1355 01:06:25,849 --> 01:06:28,785 if this relationship is gonna get serious, 1356 01:06:28,852 --> 01:06:31,121 then I have to give up becoming a nun. 1357 01:06:31,188 --> 01:06:33,957 And I'd have to decide soon because... 1358 01:06:34,024 --> 01:06:36,760 I'm taking my final vows on Sunday. 1359 01:06:36,826 --> 01:06:39,029 Yeah, that thought had occurred to me. 1360 01:06:39,096 --> 01:06:42,232 And if I do that, I need to know... 1361 01:06:42,299 --> 01:06:44,934 That you want marriage and a family. 1362 01:06:46,303 --> 01:06:49,106 Absolutely. 1363 01:06:49,173 --> 01:06:52,676 I never thought I'd say this to anyone after Luigi died, but... 1364 01:06:54,178 --> 01:06:55,845 I love you, Darren. 1365 01:06:57,814 --> 01:06:59,516 DARREN: Wow. Wow. 1366 01:06:59,583 --> 01:07:01,085 I love you too, Judith. 1367 01:07:02,018 --> 01:07:04,721 Ow! Ow. Judith! 1368 01:07:04,788 --> 01:07:07,157 I mean, Sandy. I mean. 1369 01:07:07,224 --> 01:07:09,626 Let's dance. Okay? 1370 01:07:10,627 --> 01:07:12,462 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 1371 01:07:18,968 --> 01:07:22,806 You're out of here. Hey! Put me down! I haven't ordered yet. 1372 01:07:26,042 --> 01:07:28,512 Time for an attitude adjustment, mister. Ooh! Ow! 1373 01:07:31,014 --> 01:07:33,750 Oh! Hey. Nice move. 1374 01:07:37,221 --> 01:07:38,955 (GROANING) 1375 01:07:39,022 --> 01:07:40,023 Ooh! 1376 01:07:41,725 --> 01:07:43,160 Damn, he's good. 1377 01:07:44,528 --> 01:07:45,795 (GRUNTS) Darren! 1378 01:07:47,063 --> 01:07:48,565 (GRUNTING) 1379 01:07:50,767 --> 01:07:53,903 Oh, my God. Oh, geez. Oh, my... 1380 01:07:53,970 --> 01:07:55,572 (WHIMPERING) 1381 01:07:57,374 --> 01:07:59,809 Oh, my... Are... Are you okay? 1382 01:07:59,876 --> 01:08:02,779 Yeah. It was a little weird. 1383 01:08:02,846 --> 01:08:04,148 (ALL GASPING) 1384 01:08:04,214 --> 01:08:05,415 (PEOPLE SCREAMING) 1385 01:08:05,482 --> 01:08:07,151 (FIRE ALARM RINGING) 1386 01:08:07,217 --> 01:08:09,186 (SIREN BLARING) 1387 01:08:11,855 --> 01:08:13,590 WOMAN: Wait for me! 1388 01:08:13,657 --> 01:08:16,493 Darren. Darren, Darren, Darren. What's going on? 1389 01:08:16,560 --> 01:08:20,297 Okay, I can explain. See, it's aversion therapy. 1390 01:08:20,364 --> 01:08:23,267 See, Wayne was trying to help me get over Judith. 1391 01:08:23,333 --> 01:08:25,101 Judith? I had these things on my nipples... 1392 01:08:25,169 --> 01:08:28,472 Oh, my God. It's so much worse than I thought. No. 1393 01:08:28,538 --> 01:08:32,108 No, you're obviously not ready for this relationship. 1394 01:08:33,277 --> 01:08:35,111 No, I am! Sandy, wait! 1395 01:08:35,179 --> 01:08:37,281 Sandy... Okay... 1396 01:08:37,947 --> 01:08:39,183 Damn it! 1397 01:08:41,084 --> 01:08:44,288 Sandy! Sandy, wait...wait, Sandy! 1398 01:08:44,354 --> 01:08:46,523 Sandy! Wait, Sandy! 1399 01:08:50,427 --> 01:08:51,661 Sandy, wait! 1400 01:08:52,729 --> 01:08:53,963 (GRUNTS) 1401 01:08:56,533 --> 01:08:57,767 Sandy. 1402 01:08:59,369 --> 01:09:02,038 (GASPS) Darren! Oh, my God! 1403 01:09:02,105 --> 01:09:04,274 Darren, what happened to you? 1404 01:09:04,341 --> 01:09:06,976 Oh, I ran here from the nightclub. But that's 30 miles! 1405 01:09:07,043 --> 01:09:08,745 Yeah, I know, I just... 1406 01:09:08,812 --> 01:09:11,648 Wanted to say... I'm sorry. 1407 01:09:11,715 --> 01:09:13,717 I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me? 1408 01:09:13,783 --> 01:09:17,287 Oh, yeah. 'Cause the whole Judith thing and the nipple clamps... 1409 01:09:17,354 --> 01:09:18,855 It's crazy and... Yes! 1410 01:09:20,190 --> 01:09:21,791 Really? Yes. 1411 01:09:21,858 --> 01:09:23,393 Just like that? 1412 01:09:23,460 --> 01:09:26,230 Yeah, well, I am training to become a nun, you know. 1413 01:09:26,296 --> 01:09:28,532 Forgiveness is just sort of my thing. 1414 01:09:28,598 --> 01:09:30,166 I love you. Really? 1415 01:09:30,234 --> 01:09:32,168 I love you! I love you. 1416 01:09:32,236 --> 01:09:33,837 Love. Love. 1417 01:09:51,488 --> 01:09:54,358 Happy? You didn't have to do that. 1418 01:09:54,424 --> 01:09:57,261 Well, I just happened to be by an Arby's, 1419 01:09:57,327 --> 01:10:00,129 and they were throwin' out some old food so, you know, 1420 01:10:00,196 --> 01:10:01,665 I thought, why not? 1421 01:10:01,731 --> 01:10:04,100 Either way, that's nice of you. 1422 01:10:08,838 --> 01:10:09,973 Hey, 1423 01:10:11,841 --> 01:10:13,377 I was wondering. 1424 01:10:14,878 --> 01:10:17,547 Why Darren? What do you mean? 1425 01:10:17,614 --> 01:10:21,351 You just don't seem like the type that goes for a sensitive guy like Darren. 1426 01:10:21,418 --> 01:10:25,722 You seem more the kind of woman that needs an assertive type of guy. 1427 01:10:32,296 --> 01:10:33,930 Before I met Darren, I was... 1428 01:10:37,166 --> 01:10:39,503 I was engaged to a guy like that. 1429 01:10:39,569 --> 01:10:41,605 His idea of a fun weekend was to fly to Thailand 1430 01:10:41,671 --> 01:10:43,440 and compete in a kickboxing tournament. 1431 01:10:43,507 --> 01:10:44,541 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 1432 01:10:44,608 --> 01:10:46,310 U.S.A.! Go, Josh! 1433 01:10:48,745 --> 01:10:49,913 Yeah! 1434 01:10:52,849 --> 01:10:54,083 (NECK SNAPPING) 1435 01:10:55,652 --> 01:10:56,720 No! 1436 01:10:58,422 --> 01:11:01,090 No! 1437 01:11:04,060 --> 01:11:05,795 (IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) 1438 01:11:10,099 --> 01:11:12,469 After that I decided no more tough guys. 1439 01:11:12,536 --> 01:11:14,971 Hmm. Yeah, and then you found Darren. 1440 01:11:15,439 --> 01:11:16,773 Yeah. 1441 01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:18,542 So do you even love him? 1442 01:11:18,608 --> 01:11:20,410 Well, I think there's all different types of love. 1443 01:11:20,477 --> 01:11:22,479 Ah, I knew it! 1444 01:11:22,546 --> 01:11:25,615 Look, sometimes you have to make cold, rational decisions. 1445 01:11:25,682 --> 01:11:28,818 You can't always follow your heart. Yeah. Whatever. 1446 01:11:28,885 --> 01:11:32,255 Although I will admit there's something sexy about a man who takes charge. 1447 01:11:33,323 --> 01:11:36,326 Like you kidnapping me. Mmm-hmm. 1448 01:11:36,393 --> 01:11:37,661 That took balls. 1449 01:11:38,528 --> 01:11:39,963 Big balls. 1450 01:11:41,531 --> 01:11:43,099 I gotta say it turned me on. 1451 01:11:45,134 --> 01:11:47,537 It did? Mmm-hmm. 1452 01:12:27,911 --> 01:12:29,178 Oh. Oh. 1453 01:12:30,514 --> 01:12:31,948 (PANTING) Chain. 1454 01:12:33,016 --> 01:12:34,918 Goddamn these chains! 1455 01:12:35,985 --> 01:12:37,421 (EXCLAIMS) 1456 01:12:38,655 --> 01:12:41,391 Give it a little key, little key... 1457 01:12:41,458 --> 01:12:44,160 Wait! What am I doing? I can't let you go! 1458 01:12:44,227 --> 01:12:47,163 Just give me one free hand, and I promise it'll be worth it. 1459 01:12:47,230 --> 01:12:48,965 (PANTING) Okay. 1460 01:12:49,032 --> 01:12:50,800 Okay, give me the fries. 1461 01:12:56,540 --> 01:12:58,508 Okay, okay, okay. 1462 01:12:58,575 --> 01:13:00,577 (MOANING) 1463 01:13:00,644 --> 01:13:02,679 Wow. Hey... (DOORBELL RINGING) 1464 01:13:03,580 --> 01:13:05,081 Shit. 1465 01:13:05,148 --> 01:13:07,851 (DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING) 1466 01:13:07,917 --> 01:13:09,853 Just wait one minute, okay? 1467 01:13:14,123 --> 01:13:15,825 Dude! Dude, you got a boner? 1468 01:13:16,359 --> 01:13:17,661 No... 1469 01:13:17,727 --> 01:13:19,829 Why didn't you answer the door? I'm eatin'. 1470 01:13:19,896 --> 01:13:21,631 So? I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'. 1471 01:13:21,698 --> 01:13:22,932 Since when? Since always. 1472 01:13:22,999 --> 01:13:24,501 I never knew that. 1473 01:13:24,568 --> 01:13:26,703 You didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay. 1474 01:13:26,770 --> 01:13:28,137 Is there anything else you wanna tell me? 1475 01:13:28,204 --> 01:13:29,873 I got three balls. 1476 01:13:29,939 --> 01:13:32,642 Shut up! God! 1477 01:13:32,709 --> 01:13:34,911 Dude. Dude. Dude! 1478 01:13:36,446 --> 01:13:39,449 Hi, Coach. Coach! What are you doin' here? 1479 01:13:39,516 --> 01:13:42,251 Retrial. Got a judge that's a sports fan. 1480 01:13:42,318 --> 01:13:44,521 Congrats. What are you gonna do now? 1481 01:13:44,588 --> 01:13:47,757 That's why I'm here. Need a place to crash. Get my shit together. 1482 01:13:47,824 --> 01:13:50,694 Figure out my next move. I knew I could count on you boys. 1483 01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:52,862 Of course. Coach, our house is your house, We gotta talk about it. 1484 01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:54,263 You stay as long as you like. 1485 01:13:54,330 --> 01:13:56,700 Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump. 1486 01:13:56,766 --> 01:13:58,835 We don't use the toilet anymore, 1487 01:13:58,902 --> 01:14:01,505 'cause we're cuttin' down on the water bill. 1488 01:14:01,571 --> 01:14:02,972 What the hell do you do? 1489 01:14:03,039 --> 01:14:06,042 Well, we just use the lawn now. 1490 01:14:06,109 --> 01:14:09,412 Smart thinkin'. Oh, God. 1491 01:14:09,479 --> 01:14:11,247 You've been pinchin' loaves on the lawn, man? 1492 01:14:11,314 --> 01:14:12,749 I play croquet out there! 1493 01:14:12,816 --> 01:14:15,084 What, are you crazy? The coach can't stay here. 1494 01:14:15,151 --> 01:14:17,253 We've got a woman locked in the garage. 1495 01:14:17,320 --> 01:14:18,321 Oh, yeah. 1496 01:14:20,056 --> 01:14:21,658 (GRUNTS) 1497 01:14:21,725 --> 01:14:23,026 (COACH WHISTLES) 1498 01:14:23,092 --> 01:14:24,961 You boys got any T.P.? 1499 01:14:25,028 --> 01:14:26,195 No! 1500 01:14:26,262 --> 01:14:28,231 That's all right. I'll find something. 1501 01:14:34,571 --> 01:14:36,973 Be cool. We'll find some way to get rid of him. Okay. 1502 01:14:37,040 --> 01:14:40,376 How about this? We tell him we've got dates tonight. 1503 01:14:40,443 --> 01:14:42,211 He can't be here 'cause we're gettin' laid. 1504 01:14:42,278 --> 01:14:44,480 Nah, he'll never believe that. Oh, yeah. 1505 01:14:44,548 --> 01:14:46,516 Okay, we'll tell him we've got ghosts. 1506 01:14:46,583 --> 01:14:48,785 Oh, boys! What's for supper? 1507 01:14:48,852 --> 01:14:50,554 Uh, listen, Coach... We have ghosts. 1508 01:14:50,620 --> 01:14:51,788 What? 1509 01:14:51,855 --> 01:14:53,422 Uh, we were thinkin' that maybe 1510 01:14:53,489 --> 01:14:55,091 you stayin' here is not such a great idea. 1511 01:14:55,158 --> 01:14:56,660 Yeah. Nonsense. 1512 01:14:56,726 --> 01:15:00,163 It'll give us a chance to get to know one another again. 1513 01:15:00,229 --> 01:15:02,566 By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch 1514 01:15:02,632 --> 01:15:04,333 that was gonna marry Silverman? 1515 01:15:04,400 --> 01:15:09,105 Uh, yeah. Yeah. We snuffed that bitch just like you said. 1516 01:15:09,172 --> 01:15:11,040 Good. How'd you do it? 1517 01:15:11,107 --> 01:15:12,876 Uh, we... Ate her. 1518 01:15:13,743 --> 01:15:16,045 You ate her? Yeah. 1519 01:15:16,112 --> 01:15:17,914 We ate her. Alive. 1520 01:15:17,981 --> 01:15:20,617 My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart. 1521 01:15:20,684 --> 01:15:22,218 That's the perfect crime. 1522 01:15:23,653 --> 01:15:25,054 Wonder what's on the tube. 1523 01:15:25,722 --> 01:15:27,090 No! Coach! 1524 01:15:28,191 --> 01:15:29,325 What the hell have we got here? 1525 01:15:29,392 --> 01:15:31,294 Some kind of public access show or something? 1526 01:15:31,360 --> 01:15:32,929 Yeah. 1527 01:15:32,996 --> 01:15:34,998 Wait a minute. That's your kidnap victim, ain't it? 1528 01:15:35,064 --> 01:15:36,499 You didn't kill her, did you? 1529 01:15:37,033 --> 01:15:38,034 No, Coach. 1530 01:15:38,101 --> 01:15:41,437 I am really disappointed in you boys. 1531 01:15:41,504 --> 01:15:44,040 Now I want you to go out there and off that cooze. 1532 01:15:44,107 --> 01:15:45,909 Well, we can't, Coach... 1533 01:15:45,975 --> 01:15:49,212 Oh, for Pete's sake! Look, she's gettin' out! 1534 01:15:49,278 --> 01:15:51,280 Go chop her head off or somethin'! 1535 01:15:52,782 --> 01:15:56,152 There's no fight left in you boys. You're nutless! 1536 01:15:56,219 --> 01:15:57,754 You've been pussified! 1537 01:15:57,821 --> 01:16:00,757 Don't worry about a thing, boys. I'll take care of that broad. 1538 01:16:00,824 --> 01:16:03,593 No, no. No! Hey! 1539 01:16:05,228 --> 01:16:07,697 WAYNE: Hey! 1540 01:16:07,764 --> 01:16:09,766 Who the hell are you? WAYNE: Judith, don't worry! I'm comin'! 1541 01:16:09,833 --> 01:16:13,369 Let's just say I'm a friend of the boys, and I'm here to kill ya. 1542 01:16:13,436 --> 01:16:16,539 You don't mind if I try to defend myself, do you? 1543 01:16:16,606 --> 01:16:19,475 Of course not. I love a good challenge. 1544 01:16:19,542 --> 01:16:21,144 (GRUNTING) 1545 01:16:22,311 --> 01:16:25,682 (GRUNTING) 1546 01:16:29,352 --> 01:16:31,054 (GRUNTING) 1547 01:16:40,163 --> 01:16:41,497 Are you okay? 1548 01:16:41,564 --> 01:16:42,799 (GROANS) 1549 01:16:47,971 --> 01:16:49,005 Dude... 1550 01:16:49,072 --> 01:16:50,173 (SCREAMS) 1551 01:16:54,844 --> 01:16:56,545 Watch your step. 1552 01:16:57,681 --> 01:16:58,715 Got it? 1553 01:16:58,782 --> 01:17:00,750 (GRUNTS) 1554 01:17:00,817 --> 01:17:02,251 Hmm. 1555 01:17:02,318 --> 01:17:05,021 I'm so happy. Oh, me, too. 1556 01:17:08,024 --> 01:17:10,259 Does this couch fold out? Mmm. 1557 01:17:10,927 --> 01:17:11,928 Mmm. 1558 01:17:13,129 --> 01:17:14,330 (MOANING) 1559 01:17:19,268 --> 01:17:20,804 DARREN: Oh, Sandy... 1560 01:17:20,870 --> 01:17:23,172 What the hell is going on here? 1561 01:17:23,239 --> 01:17:25,108 Wha... Wha... Judith! 1562 01:17:25,174 --> 01:17:27,410 Yes. Yes! You're alive! 1563 01:17:27,476 --> 01:17:28,544 Judith? 1564 01:17:28,611 --> 01:17:30,413 Who is this tramp? 1565 01:17:30,479 --> 01:17:32,181 I'm not a tramp! 1566 01:17:32,248 --> 01:17:35,484 Actually, until yesterday I was training to become a nun. 1567 01:17:35,551 --> 01:17:38,221 I'm gone for a week, and you're screwing a nun? 1568 01:17:38,287 --> 01:17:40,489 No, no. We're in love! 1569 01:17:41,590 --> 01:17:43,326 I thought you were dead. 1570 01:17:43,392 --> 01:17:46,395 Really? I'm not dead. I was kidnapped, okay? 1571 01:17:46,462 --> 01:17:47,731 It was a living hell. 1572 01:17:47,797 --> 01:17:49,365 I was beaten and tortured... 1573 01:17:49,432 --> 01:17:51,634 And treated like a friggin' farm animal! 1574 01:17:52,401 --> 01:17:53,937 And the entire time, 1575 01:17:54,003 --> 01:17:57,306 the only thing that kept me alive was the thought 1576 01:17:57,373 --> 01:18:01,210 that somewhere out there, my sweet Darren still loved me 1577 01:18:01,277 --> 01:18:03,379 and that one day we'd be together again. 1578 01:18:06,349 --> 01:18:07,683 It was so horrible. 1579 01:18:08,985 --> 01:18:09,986 (SOBBING) 1580 01:18:15,892 --> 01:18:17,460 Where are we going? 1581 01:18:17,526 --> 01:18:19,628 Where? I don't know. We've gotta find her. Come on! 1582 01:18:19,695 --> 01:18:22,565 Let's go! Okay, where to? Where to? 1583 01:18:22,631 --> 01:18:25,168 Go left! I'm goin' right! 1584 01:18:25,234 --> 01:18:27,737 They kept me in a dark closet for days, 1585 01:18:27,804 --> 01:18:29,638 and they fed me, like, 1586 01:18:29,705 --> 01:18:32,075 crushed potato chips under the door. 1587 01:18:32,141 --> 01:18:33,709 (SOBBING) 1588 01:18:33,777 --> 01:18:36,813 Um, maybe... 1589 01:18:36,880 --> 01:18:39,048 I should go. 1590 01:18:39,115 --> 01:18:43,219 Oh, no. Sandy... Sandy, no. 1591 01:18:43,286 --> 01:18:45,388 Please, please, uh, don't. 1592 01:18:45,454 --> 01:18:47,456 Don't... Don't... Don't leave. 1593 01:18:47,523 --> 01:18:49,058 Well, but, I mean, 1594 01:18:49,125 --> 01:18:54,230 Judith's alive, and she is your fiancée. 1595 01:18:54,297 --> 01:18:56,966 Yeah, uh, I know. You're right. You're right. 1596 01:18:57,033 --> 01:18:59,769 But, um, but you can't go, 1597 01:18:59,836 --> 01:19:01,805 because I, um... Because what? 1598 01:19:01,871 --> 01:19:04,073 Because I... I, um... Why, Darren? 1599 01:19:04,140 --> 01:19:05,942 Yeah? See, you, uh... 1600 01:19:06,009 --> 01:19:07,944 Yeah? Yeah? Well, we... Because... 1601 01:19:08,011 --> 01:19:10,814 Sweetheart, we pledged our love to one another. 1602 01:19:10,880 --> 01:19:12,982 Spare her the pain of seeing us together. 1603 01:19:14,083 --> 01:19:16,719 You! Run along, back to the nunnery. 1604 01:19:20,723 --> 01:19:24,327 Sandy, uh, she's right. 1605 01:19:24,393 --> 01:19:27,530 I mean, I did pledge. 1606 01:19:30,066 --> 01:19:31,334 Okay. 1607 01:19:33,036 --> 01:19:34,037 (SIGHS) 1608 01:19:34,637 --> 01:19:35,771 Bye. 1609 01:19:38,674 --> 01:19:40,709 WAYNE: He's here! Hey, Darren? 1610 01:19:40,776 --> 01:19:41,845 Sandy, hi. Look, I can... 1611 01:19:41,911 --> 01:19:45,381 Darren! Sorry. Darren, look, uh... 1612 01:19:45,448 --> 01:19:47,250 I understand that you're really upset, 1613 01:19:47,316 --> 01:19:49,853 and I probably look like a really big asshole, but I... 1614 01:19:49,919 --> 01:19:52,255 J.D.: Dude? Dude! 1615 01:19:52,321 --> 01:19:55,624 Dude. Okay. I deserved that. 1616 01:19:55,691 --> 01:19:57,493 But now, let me explain... 1617 01:20:02,365 --> 01:20:06,635 Okay, I guess I deserved that one, too, but now we're even, okay? 1618 01:20:06,702 --> 01:20:07,770 (GRUNTS) 1619 01:20:09,472 --> 01:20:10,773 (SCREAMING) 1620 01:20:10,840 --> 01:20:13,409 Darren, stop! 1621 01:20:13,476 --> 01:20:15,378 We only did it because we love you. 1622 01:20:15,444 --> 01:20:17,413 Oh, right. Because you love me. 1623 01:20:17,480 --> 01:20:20,116 Oh. Yeah, man. Come on. Give me a hug. 1624 01:20:20,583 --> 01:20:21,717 (SHOUTING) 1625 01:20:27,456 --> 01:20:29,358 (POLICE SIREN WAILING) 1626 01:20:29,425 --> 01:20:30,693 (SOBBING) 1627 01:20:33,897 --> 01:20:36,199 Freeze! Freeze! Don't move! 1628 01:20:45,441 --> 01:20:46,675 Darren! 1629 01:20:48,177 --> 01:20:50,846 Don't think that my presence here means I've forgiven you. 1630 01:20:50,914 --> 01:20:54,017 I... I just wanted to tell you guys, in person, 1631 01:20:54,083 --> 01:20:56,886 that Judith and I are getting married tomorrow. 1632 01:20:56,953 --> 01:20:59,788 You don't wanna marry Judith! Admit it. 1633 01:20:59,855 --> 01:21:02,658 Of course I do. Okay. 1634 01:21:02,725 --> 01:21:04,793 Then look into my eyes and say it. 1635 01:21:05,661 --> 01:21:07,396 I wanna marry Judith. 1636 01:21:07,463 --> 01:21:10,934 Look into both our eyes at the same time and say it. 1637 01:21:12,101 --> 01:21:15,004 I'm out of here. Darren! 1638 01:21:15,071 --> 01:21:18,241 Come on. We're sorry, okay? 1639 01:21:18,307 --> 01:21:20,176 What we did was wrong. 1640 01:21:24,213 --> 01:21:26,015 We gotta stop that wedding. 1641 01:21:26,082 --> 01:21:27,483 Dude, how? 1642 01:21:28,952 --> 01:21:32,956 Let's go, you maggots! Kill! Kill! Kill! 1643 01:21:33,022 --> 01:21:35,491 (CELL PHONE RINGS) 1644 01:21:35,558 --> 01:21:38,561 Hello! Hey, Coach. Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D. 1645 01:21:38,627 --> 01:21:41,530 Look, we need your help. I'd do anything for you boys. 1646 01:21:41,597 --> 01:21:43,933 You're like sons to me. Name it, you got it. 1647 01:21:44,000 --> 01:21:46,135 Well, we need you to post bail for us. 1648 01:21:46,202 --> 01:21:48,004 It's, uh, 10,000 apiece. 1649 01:21:48,071 --> 01:21:53,109 No way! Come on, Coach. We need your help. 1650 01:21:53,176 --> 01:21:55,344 Jail life is real tough. They're... 1651 01:21:56,179 --> 01:21:57,947 Sodomizing us in here. 1652 01:21:58,014 --> 01:22:00,083 What? They're cornholing you? 1653 01:22:00,149 --> 01:22:02,451 Yeah. Oh, my God, that's horrible. 1654 01:22:02,518 --> 01:22:04,587 Don't worry about it. I'll get you out of there. 1655 01:22:05,888 --> 01:22:07,123 You got sodomized? 1656 01:22:07,190 --> 01:22:08,657 Who? I want to meet him. 1657 01:22:11,360 --> 01:22:13,362 (TRUCK BACKING UP) What is that? 1658 01:22:13,429 --> 01:22:15,531 Sounds kinda like my truck. 1659 01:22:16,199 --> 01:22:17,433 Yeah. 1660 01:22:18,667 --> 01:22:19,935 (BOTH SCREAMING) 1661 01:22:22,405 --> 01:22:25,008 Come on, boys. Let's go! 1662 01:22:25,074 --> 01:22:27,876 Get the lead out, boys! Hut, hut, hut! 1663 01:22:27,943 --> 01:22:30,279 Come on. Move it! Ha, ha! 1664 01:22:30,346 --> 01:22:33,216 You're free! Now, where to, boys? 1665 01:22:33,282 --> 01:22:34,283 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1666 01:22:34,350 --> 01:22:35,551 J.D.: Go left! 1667 01:22:35,618 --> 01:22:38,287 COACH: Yee-ha! Charge! 1668 01:22:39,522 --> 01:22:41,324 (ORGAN PLAYING) 1669 01:22:41,390 --> 01:22:45,061 Sandy Perkus, do you vow to lead a life 1670 01:22:45,128 --> 01:22:49,665 of poverty, chastity, obedience and silence? 1671 01:22:49,732 --> 01:22:52,735 Wait! Wait! 1672 01:22:52,801 --> 01:22:55,704 Uh, sorry. Sandy... Sandy... 1673 01:22:55,771 --> 01:22:58,074 Sandy, look you can't do this. 1674 01:22:58,141 --> 01:23:00,576 You love Darren, right? Well, yeah. 1675 01:23:00,643 --> 01:23:03,212 Well, Darren loves you. Really? 1676 01:23:03,279 --> 01:23:05,981 Darren's her boyfriend, but he's got this other girlfriend, 1677 01:23:06,049 --> 01:23:07,450 and he's gettin' ma... 1678 01:23:07,516 --> 01:23:09,152 Look, so what are you gonna do? 1679 01:23:11,054 --> 01:23:13,489 Go, my child. 1680 01:23:13,556 --> 01:23:16,659 Okay. Come on! We've got a wedding to crash! 1681 01:23:16,725 --> 01:23:20,296 J.D.: Go, go, go, go! SANDY: Bye, everybody! 1682 01:23:21,230 --> 01:23:22,698 Damn! 1683 01:23:22,765 --> 01:23:23,866 Lost another one. 1684 01:23:23,932 --> 01:23:25,301 Son of a bitch. 1685 01:23:37,012 --> 01:23:38,747 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1686 01:23:40,483 --> 01:23:42,618 Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this. 1687 01:23:42,685 --> 01:23:45,188 Oh, here. We got you some clothes. 1688 01:23:45,254 --> 01:23:48,891 Uh, where did you get these? 1689 01:23:48,957 --> 01:23:51,294 Uh, J.D.'s sister. She's a stripper. 1690 01:23:51,360 --> 01:23:53,329 And a hooker. Oh. 1691 01:24:10,379 --> 01:24:11,847 Let's go. Go. 1692 01:24:16,752 --> 01:24:19,588 Oh, my gosh. Neil Diamond! 1693 01:24:19,655 --> 01:24:21,324 What the hell is going on? 1694 01:24:21,390 --> 01:24:22,891 Neil, let me explain. 1695 01:24:22,958 --> 01:24:25,294 You're the guys who've been sending me all those letters... 1696 01:24:25,361 --> 01:24:27,230 And tapes... And naked pictures. 1697 01:24:27,296 --> 01:24:31,033 What? We never sent you any naked pictures. 1698 01:24:31,100 --> 01:24:32,601 Dude. Sorry. 1699 01:24:32,668 --> 01:24:35,871 Look, Mr. Diamond, you gotta help us save our buddy, Darren. 1700 01:24:35,938 --> 01:24:37,373 He's gonna marry the wrong woman. 1701 01:24:37,440 --> 01:24:39,775 Look, Sandy and Darren, they broke up. 1702 01:24:39,842 --> 01:24:42,077 Love on the rocks. Ain't no big surprise. 1703 01:24:42,145 --> 01:24:44,079 But you gotta help us get them back together. 1704 01:24:44,147 --> 01:24:45,448 I don't know. 1705 01:24:45,514 --> 01:24:47,850 Come on Neil, turn on your heart light. 1706 01:24:47,916 --> 01:24:51,354 Judith brainwashed him. Darren was in love with me, but I never knew it. 1707 01:24:51,420 --> 01:24:54,190 (ALL CHATTERING) Hold it, hold it, hold it! 1708 01:24:54,257 --> 01:24:56,792 Hold on! And did I mention I was gay? 1709 01:24:56,859 --> 01:25:00,296 I've spent my whole life writing songs about the healing power of love. 1710 01:25:00,363 --> 01:25:03,432 But, up until right now, they've only been words. 1711 01:25:03,499 --> 01:25:07,436 This may be my chance to prove that those words really mean something. 1712 01:25:07,503 --> 01:25:09,738 Now, you say that if Darren marries... 1713 01:25:09,805 --> 01:25:12,275 ALL: Judith. Judith he's gonna be miserable. 1714 01:25:12,341 --> 01:25:15,178 ALL: Right. I believe in happy endings. 1715 01:25:15,244 --> 01:25:17,580 And if Neil Diamond has anything to do with it, 1716 01:25:17,646 --> 01:25:19,848 this love story's gonna have one. 1717 01:25:19,915 --> 01:25:22,285 BOTH: Come on! Yeah! Ha! 1718 01:25:22,351 --> 01:25:24,587 We got Neil Diamond on board! All right! 1719 01:25:24,653 --> 01:25:26,222 Where are we goin'? 1720 01:25:26,289 --> 01:25:28,757 The park on America Avenue. 1721 01:25:28,824 --> 01:25:31,093 Five-oh! What? 1722 01:25:31,160 --> 01:25:33,329 Cops! Caprice. Five cars back. 1723 01:25:33,396 --> 01:25:38,467 Goddamn heat. One little prison break and they're all over you. 1724 01:25:38,534 --> 01:25:42,871 Whoa, Coach. Whoa. No matter what happens to me, don't look back. 1725 01:25:42,938 --> 01:25:46,074 Just get this sweet little gal to the man who loves her. Pronto! 1726 01:25:46,141 --> 01:25:48,344 I'd rather be cut down in a hail of gunfire 1727 01:25:48,411 --> 01:25:50,579 than to go back to the big house. 1728 01:25:50,646 --> 01:25:52,481 Nice meetin' you, Mr. Diamond. 1729 01:25:53,716 --> 01:25:54,917 Hey! Wha... 1730 01:25:54,983 --> 01:25:56,084 (GROANING) 1731 01:25:56,151 --> 01:25:57,186 ( COMING TO AMERICA by Neil Diamond PLAYING) 1732 01:25:57,253 --> 01:25:59,054 * Far 1733 01:25:59,121 --> 01:26:01,156 * We've been traveling far 1734 01:26:01,224 --> 01:26:02,458 Coach, look out! 1735 01:26:03,426 --> 01:26:04,627 (SHOUTING) 1736 01:26:04,693 --> 01:26:07,029 (SCREAMING) They're not cops! 1737 01:26:07,095 --> 01:26:09,965 * But not without a star 1738 01:26:10,032 --> 01:26:11,967 * Today 1739 01:26:12,034 --> 01:26:13,736 Hey, we're comin' to America. 1740 01:26:13,802 --> 01:26:15,238 * Today 1741 01:26:15,304 --> 01:26:18,241 * They're coming to America today * 1742 01:26:19,775 --> 01:26:22,044 PRIEST: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... 1743 01:26:22,110 --> 01:26:23,879 To join Darren Silverman 1744 01:26:23,946 --> 01:26:27,850 and Judith Fessbeggler in holy matrimony. 1745 01:26:27,916 --> 01:26:30,886 If anyone has any objections, speak now. 1746 01:26:30,953 --> 01:26:32,455 I do! ALL: What? 1747 01:26:33,155 --> 01:26:34,590 Neil? 1748 01:26:34,657 --> 01:26:39,828 * Hello, my friends, hello 1749 01:26:39,895 --> 01:26:43,232 Neil! Neil. Get to the part where we say, "I do." 1750 01:26:43,299 --> 01:26:47,002 * It's good to need you so 1751 01:26:48,371 --> 01:26:52,508 * It's good to love you 1752 01:26:53,642 --> 01:26:55,110 * Like I do 1753 01:26:56,078 --> 01:26:58,046 * And to feel this way 1754 01:26:59,748 --> 01:27:01,884 * When I hear you say 1755 01:27:03,352 --> 01:27:04,787 * Hello 1756 01:27:04,853 --> 01:27:08,724 * Hello, my friends, hello (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) 1757 01:27:08,791 --> 01:27:10,859 Say, "I do." No. 1758 01:27:10,926 --> 01:27:12,661 Say, "I do." 1759 01:27:12,728 --> 01:27:15,130 I can't because I... 1760 01:27:15,197 --> 01:27:17,966 * I think about you 1761 01:27:18,033 --> 01:27:20,068 I love Neil and 1762 01:27:20,135 --> 01:27:21,670 I love Sandy. 1763 01:27:21,737 --> 01:27:23,706 (CROWD GASPS) 1764 01:27:23,772 --> 01:27:25,308 You're in love with this slut? 1765 01:27:25,374 --> 01:27:28,076 I am not a slut. 1766 01:27:28,143 --> 01:27:30,546 Sandy is my one-and-only someone. 1767 01:27:31,146 --> 01:27:32,415 * Hello 1768 01:27:40,289 --> 01:27:41,324 Oh! 1769 01:27:44,092 --> 01:27:45,461 What about me? 1770 01:27:46,228 --> 01:27:48,230 Who's my someone? 1771 01:27:48,297 --> 01:27:52,668 * Hello again, hello 1772 01:27:55,404 --> 01:27:59,742 * It's good to need you so 1773 01:28:01,877 --> 01:28:03,946 * I think 1774 01:28:04,012 --> 01:28:05,414 (CROWD GASPS) 1775 01:28:06,382 --> 01:28:09,084 You ruined my life! 1776 01:28:09,151 --> 01:28:11,153 (GROANS) But I saved Darren's! 1777 01:28:11,219 --> 01:28:14,790 Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough 1778 01:28:14,857 --> 01:28:16,359 to hook up with you! 1779 01:28:16,425 --> 01:28:18,193 (SHOUTING) 1780 01:28:18,260 --> 01:28:19,528 (CROWD EXCLAIMING) 1781 01:28:21,196 --> 01:28:23,399 Hey! Why can't you just admit 1782 01:28:23,466 --> 01:28:25,534 that when you kissed me you liked it? 1783 01:28:25,601 --> 01:28:28,471 You're right. I have a weakness for incompetent morons. 1784 01:28:29,505 --> 01:28:30,706 (CROWD GASPING) 1785 01:28:37,480 --> 01:28:39,214 Admit it! 1786 01:28:39,281 --> 01:28:40,516 (GROANS) 1787 01:28:40,583 --> 01:28:43,986 I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need, 1788 01:28:44,052 --> 01:28:47,356 and you're the hardcore bitch that I've always dreamed of. 1789 01:28:47,423 --> 01:28:48,891 (CHOKING) 1790 01:28:48,957 --> 01:28:50,158 (GASPING) 1791 01:28:50,225 --> 01:28:51,660 (GRUNTING) 1792 01:28:52,695 --> 01:28:54,997 * And I know it's late 1793 01:28:56,164 --> 01:28:58,567 * But I just couldn't wait 1794 01:28:59,802 --> 01:29:01,136 * Hello 1795 01:29:03,872 --> 01:29:05,207 (GRUNTS) 1796 01:29:08,343 --> 01:29:10,078 What about you? 1797 01:29:10,145 --> 01:29:11,414 When are you gonna get hitched? 1798 01:29:11,480 --> 01:29:13,516 Actually, I'm not. I'm gay. 1799 01:29:14,783 --> 01:29:16,251 Me, too. 1800 01:29:16,318 --> 01:29:18,286 Really? 1801 01:29:18,353 --> 01:29:21,156 By the power vested in me by the state of Washington, 1802 01:29:21,223 --> 01:29:24,159 I now pronounce you man and wife. 1803 01:29:24,226 --> 01:29:26,128 You may kiss the bride. 1804 01:29:28,664 --> 01:29:31,600 I now pronounce you man and wife. 1805 01:29:31,667 --> 01:29:33,268 You may kiss the bride. 1806 01:29:36,204 --> 01:29:39,875 I now pronounce you man and man. 1807 01:29:39,942 --> 01:29:41,477 You may kiss the man. 1808 01:29:42,210 --> 01:29:44,079 ( WEDDING MARCH PLAYING) 1809 01:29:45,848 --> 01:29:47,650 (CROWD CHEERING) 1810 01:29:51,920 --> 01:29:53,188 ( HOLLY HOLY by Neil Diamond PLAYING) 1811 01:29:53,255 --> 01:29:54,490 * Sing 1812 01:29:58,093 --> 01:29:59,327 * Sing 1813 01:30:03,098 --> 01:30:04,467 * Sing 1814 01:30:04,533 --> 01:30:06,134 Come on. We need you for this one! 1815 01:30:06,201 --> 01:30:07,603 (CHEERING) 1816 01:30:07,670 --> 01:30:08,771 * Sing 1817 01:30:08,837 --> 01:30:10,172 * Sing a song 1818 01:30:12,741 --> 01:30:15,077 * Sing * Sing a song of songs 1819 01:30:15,143 --> 01:30:17,379 * Sing 1820 01:30:17,446 --> 01:30:19,515 * Sing * Sing it out 1821 01:30:21,416 --> 01:30:22,985 * Sing it strong * Sing it 1822 01:30:23,051 --> 01:30:24,653 Yeah. * Sing it 1823 01:30:24,720 --> 01:30:27,022 Yeah. Yeah! * Sing it, sing it 1824 01:30:27,089 --> 01:30:28,423 * Yeah 1825 01:30:32,094 --> 01:30:33,496 * Yeah 1826 01:30:37,365 --> 01:30:40,503 * Call the sun in the dead of night 1827 01:30:40,569 --> 01:30:43,806 * And the sun's gonna rise in the sky 1828 01:30:43,872 --> 01:30:46,742 * Sun's gonna rise 1829 01:30:46,809 --> 01:30:49,912 * Touch a man who can't walk upright 1830 01:30:49,978 --> 01:30:53,315 * And that lame man, he's gonna fly 1831 01:30:53,381 --> 01:30:56,852 * He's gonna fly * And I fly 1832 01:30:56,919 --> 01:30:59,421 * Fly * Yeah 1833 01:30:59,488 --> 01:31:01,323 * Yeah, and I fly 1834 01:31:05,460 --> 01:31:08,597 * Holly holy love 1835 01:31:14,737 --> 01:31:18,306 * Dream of only you 1836 01:31:24,212 --> 01:31:27,415 * Holly holy, Holly 1837 01:31:27,482 --> 01:31:29,552 * Holy song 1838 01:31:33,421 --> 01:31:36,625 * Holly holy, Holly 1839 01:31:37,359 --> 01:31:41,764 * Holy rain 1840 01:31:49,171 --> 01:31:50,739 Yeah. 1841 01:31:53,742 --> 01:31:54,743 Yeah. 1842 01:31:58,113 --> 01:31:59,782 (AUDIENCE ROARING) 1843 01:32:04,286 --> 01:32:05,621 ( I BELIEVE IN HAPPY ENDINGS by Neil Diamond PLAYING) 1844 01:32:05,688 --> 01:32:08,924 * I believe in happy endings 1845 01:32:11,760 --> 01:32:16,031 * Starry skies and dreams come true 1846 01:32:18,033 --> 01:32:22,571 * I've believed it since I first met you 1847 01:32:30,378 --> 01:32:34,416 * I believe in new beginnings 1848 01:32:36,318 --> 01:32:40,522 * Extra innings, brand new starts 1849 01:32:42,124 --> 01:32:46,561 * Loving hearts that care the way I do 1850 01:32:53,035 --> 01:32:57,606 * All these things and happy endings, too 1851 01:33:04,613 --> 01:33:09,451 * Sad songs bring me right down with the blues 1852 01:33:16,324 --> 01:33:20,763 * Glad songs take me wherever I choose 1853 01:33:23,098 --> 01:33:25,901 * And I choose to be there 1854 01:33:25,968 --> 01:33:29,772 * So that I can declare why 1855 01:33:31,473 --> 01:33:35,443 * I believe in happy endings 1856 01:33:37,112 --> 01:33:42,050 * You're the reason, love's the way 1857 01:33:42,117 --> 01:33:46,588 * And I'll believe it till my dying day 1858 01:33:54,162 --> 01:33:58,300 * I know the cost of tears and trouble 1859 01:33:59,902 --> 01:34:04,907 * Some get lost, some make it through 1860 01:34:04,973 --> 01:34:09,344 * Me, I made it 'cause I always knew 1861 01:34:15,851 --> 01:34:20,422 * That you believed in happy endings, too 1862 01:34:55,357 --> 01:35:00,195 * Sad songs bring me right down with the blues 1863 01:35:06,568 --> 01:35:11,039 * Glad songs take me wherever I choose 1864 01:35:13,208 --> 01:35:15,911 * And I choose to be there 1865 01:35:15,978 --> 01:35:20,015 * So that I can declare that 1866 01:35:21,549 --> 01:35:26,554 * I know the cost of tears and troubles 1867 01:35:26,621 --> 01:35:31,426 * I got lost but I got through 1868 01:35:31,493 --> 01:35:35,831 * And I made it 'cause I always knew 1869 01:35:42,404 --> 01:35:46,975 * That you believed in happy endings, too 1870 01:35:53,849 --> 01:35:56,151 * You and me 1871 01:35:56,218 --> 01:35:59,788 * And happy endings 1872 01:36:02,457 --> 01:36:05,427 * Too