Yeah.
Right.
OK.
Really?
And that's definite, is it?
Right. OK.
Thanks for letting us know. Bye.
Well?
Someone's made an offer on the house.
And? It turns out
there's been a bidding war and we have got 10,000
above the asking price!
10,000 above?!
So, if...if we downsize like we planned, that gives us
a really good nest egg.
We can give Jack and Immie a lump sum and that still leaves us
with... Or we can decorate upstairs and downstairs -
new bed, new suite, new kitchen appliances, maybe a new car, even.
Hang on a minute! And we can really go for it
on the holiday, the world cruise.
Just... Oh, come on!
Imagine sailing into New York, past the Statue of Liberty.
Do you know how the rich get rich,
stay rich and get richer? Offshore banking, tax-dodging.
By not spending it. They hang on to it. It's the same thing.
Anyway, shall we go out and celebrate our good fortune?
What? By spending money - after what you've just said? What are you like?
All right. We'll stay in, then. No!
Um, leave it to me.
I'll book somewhere nice.
I'll let you know.
Oh, we've got to... We've got to get to work. Oh, my...! Oh!
I see someone's finally done something about the state
of the garden at long last. Yeah.
It's me. We're all booked.
Managed to get that posh place that we tried for my birthday.
The only problem is I could only get an early table,
so you need to be back by 6.30, latest,
give yourself a chance to change.
OK. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Special occasion?
Yeah. No, we had some really good news this morning.
Oh?
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Morning, Christine.
Good morning.
Did you hear that wind last night?
I did. You want to get your roof tiles checked.
I will.
Did you just see that?
He's just...
..in broad daylight!
No, it's gone too far this time.
Yeah.
Police.
That's amazing!
Gosh, to get so much over the asking price -
well, especially in this climate.
I know!
Will you miss it?
Um...
I won't miss the housework
and I could do without the bother of a move at the minute, but...
Oh, I don't know. There are compensations. Like what?
Well, think of all those lovely removal men
with their big, strong arms and big thighs.
Oh, no.
In my experience, it's all bad backs and bum cracks.
And they eat all your custard creams.
Well, you could hold auditions - you know, put together a crack team!
I told you, I'm over cracks.
I'll be the one going around pulling up all their trousers,
giving them... What's it called?
You mean a wedgie! A wedgie! I'll be the wedgie police!
Oh, well, at least Rob can have the day off. Oh, no.
He's the worst offender.
KAREN'S MESSAGE: I could only get an early table,
so you need to be back by 6.30, latest, give yourself a chance
to change. OK? Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
It's started. What has, Sarge?
Have you not come across Moira Kennedy on your travels yet?
She tends to use us as her personal militia.
Took your sweet time. Case in point.
Long overdue you did something about him, once and for all.
Making lives a misery round here.
And what is it exactly you think he's done this time?
I don't think. I know.
He exposed himself to me -
at that window. It was disgusting!
I've got grandchildren living on this street.
They're just toddlers, all of them. Anybody could have seen him.
Who did see?
Well, it's traumatising to think
that they might be prey to a sex offender like that.
I tell you, if you don't do something...
Let's get a full statement first.
Never mind words, I want action.
Oh, we've seen one that we like in Corbett's Ford - a cottage.
Lovely. Very old.
Well, it's not new.
Tell you what, if it's period and lasted this long,
I'd take it over a new-build any day of the week.
The horror stories I've heard over the years from Rich
about sinkholes and walls out-of-true.
Oh, maybe he would have a look at this one for us.
I'll see how he's fixed.
Because you do get sinkholes and subsidence with old places, as well.
Speaking of subsidence, I caught sight of myself in the mirror
this morning from the wrong angle.
Oh, give over! You look fine.
What I wouldn't give to be a teenager again.
Where everything's up where it's meant to be.
You don't have to worry about gas bills and meal-planning.
Your mum's your biggest headache,
banging on about what you're wearing to go out.
"You're not going out looking like that, are you?"
Did we have the same mum?
Oh, I used to cheek mine something rotten.
A coat?
How sad are you?
I'm not going to get a snog off Simon Le Bon wearing me Pack A Mac!
Simon Le Bon, as in...?
Yeah, well, it's 1981.
He was my sexual destiny.
I used to stalk him round the Rum Runner in Broad Street.
Serious?
Right. You and me - the pub first chance we get.
I want all the goss'.
Well, there's not much to tell after he got his restraining order.
But there might be a pair of boxer shorts in a Ziploc bag
safely squirrelled away.
Oh, I'm so sorry. How can I help?
Lacey James. I've got an appointment with the nurse for my holiday jabs.
Oh, yes. 12.45. Do you want to take a seat?
Sorry. Will I actually get seen at 1245?
Um, I...I can't see why not.
I mean, you're the next one in.
Just like straight in, then, yeah?
Just in. Get it done. Get out. No hanging around.
Are you all right? Yeah. Fine. Yeah, totally. It's just...
Just get in and get it done.
Oh, dear! Is it needles?
Sorry. All right, let's get you somewhere quiet.
Would you mind holding the fort for me?
And follow me. OK.
Come and have a seat, darling.
I feel so stupid.
I just hate, hate, hate them.
Oh, you're not the first and you won't be the last.
But I promise you, you're in the best hands.
You're seeing Luca today and he's completely brilliant.
Yeah? Yeah, I'm going to get him to do my holiday jabs -
he doesn't know it yet, but he will. Going anywhere nice?
Listen to me! Of course you're going somewhere nice.
You wouldn't go somewhere rubbish!
Going on a world cruise.
Oh! Anywhere, everywhere -
kind of a once in a lifetime sort of thing.
Fabulous.
Who are you booking with? Only I'm a...I'm a travel agent.
Oh! Wow! You must have been everywhere.
No, just Fuengirola and Barry Island.
Needles - it's always held me back.
Always worked from the safety of my desk,
planning things for others,
and now... It's time to walk the walk.
Just the fear of missing out has finally won over the other fear.
Listen, it's just going to be one little moment in there
and you're off out into the world.
And here is the man who's going to do it.
Luca, this is Lacey. Lacey James.
She's a little bit afraid of needles.
Can she come in with me to the appointment?
Oh, sorry. I don't even know your name.
It's Karen.
That's fine by me.
Come on.
Mr Babbage, please!
No, you can't come in.
Then will you come out?
You're acting on her behalf.
You're doing her bidding, nothing more.
Oh! There aren't enough hours in the day.
What did you make of Moira? Detailed statement, wasn't it?
Clear-cut case of indecent exposure, going by what she said.
Only...
Only what?
I don't know.
Something.
Gut feeling.
Gut feeling is good, but until your gut tells us something else...
Mr Babbage, why not make this easier for all of us?
Why should I?
I've done nothing.
Indecent exposure is a very serious charge.
That is a very serious accusation.
She's getting desperate.
What do you mean? I'll come with you,
but I want it to go on record that I have told you
you're wasting your time.
Marcus Babbage, I'm arresting you on suspicion of indecent exposure.
You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention, when questioned...
I looked it up online
and it said breathing exercises might help, but...
Don't look at him.
Look at me. He's easy on the eye, I know, but focus on me.
OK. Give us some travel tips.
Or a good horror story.
Um, don't fall asleep on the sunbed's a good one.
Oh, well, I'm a Factor 50 girl, so I'll be all right.
You're doing great. Keep breathing.
Er, if there's seafood on the all-day buffet - avoid.
Definitely.
Er, three things to always pack - your passport, obviously,
money and an international plug adaptor thing.
OK, slight scratch.
That's your Hep B. Oh, that's one for the list.
Um, get one of those modern ones, one with a USB port.
You can charge your phone, your tablet, even your curling tongs.
Oh! I am never that practical.
I just chuck stuff in a bag and away I go.
Except if I'm going somewhere for, like, a week
and I pack enough underwear to last me the month.
You always think it's never going to take up that much room.
Slight scratch.
Then you forget about the weight.
Weight? What's your underwear made of? Chainmail?
Er, OK, so your last one today is the cholera vaccine,
which is a powder that I'll dissolve in water.
So, have you eaten in the last hour?
No. And you did really well, today.
You're definitely not the worst I've had - by far.
Oh! Oh, that was easier than...
Thanks. Thank you so much.
So, the upshot is she's taken a fall.
Oh, no. How is she?
Er, not great - but no concussion, thankfully.
She's in hospital. They're concerned about her shoulder.
They're talking about surgery and pins and...
It's exactly what you don't want to hear.
Poor Marion. Yes. So, I'm going to take a flight as soon as.
Of course you must. We'll arrange cover.
Bear's at the campus until this afternoon, but we'll sort it.
And at this time of year, I shouldn't think that flights
to Greece would be much of a problem
so we'll be able to sort something, of course.
KAREN CLEARS HER THROAT
Well, at least now Gobby Hollins is on the case,
we won't have to worry about telling Bear anything.
Did you see Mrs Kennedy this morning?
I see her most mornings.
She's up and down my street like a one-woman neighbourhood watch.
So, did she tell you how I did it - allegedly?
Shyly? Brazenly?
Quick flash and it's gone,
or could it have been an accident?
How could it be that?
When I passed the window, dressing gown falls open.
Or did she say it was deliberate?
That I was waiting for my chance,
jumped out from behind the curtain and shouted, "Surprise!"
Was it deliberate?
You know, you're not really helping yourself.
No, I'm not helping you.
You can do your job without me.
I don't understand.
You agreed to cooperate and then, suddenly, you're not.
Before this goes any further,
you need to prove that you're not her poodle.
Mrs Kennedy stated that you were at your window when she walked past
and, when you saw her, you threw off your dressing gown and...
..wiggled things at her.
Wiggled?
So, she said I was completely naked?
The full...monty?
That's right.
Any other details?
Like what?
Sure there isn't anything you've missed?
Why don't you tell us, if it's something you think
will help your case?
Didn't she do this before,
accuse another neighbour of something similar?
Maybe you should check -
retrace your big, plodding footsteps.
Me again!
Where are you?
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm popping into town
to do some shopping for our holiday.
Um, a lady I met said that we ought
to get an up-to-date travel adaptor thingy.
Anyway, that's what I'm doing.
Give me a bell back. Bye!
Scarlett's up for a night out and Suni is. Two for one cocktails
at The Icon. What do you reckon? A night out? Sure, yeah. Count me in.
Where's my invite?
Joking!
Um, Zara wants to have a word with you.
Oh, thanks, Karen.
Any idea what it's about?
No. Sorry.
Come on!
RINGING TONE
KAREN'S VOICEMAIL: Hi, this is Karen. Please leave a message.
We do not need a new, super-duper travel plug
because we've already got one that works.
Mad bat!
There should be several disturbing the peace reports involving Moira.
Yeah. And some from Babbage against her.
Noise, nuisance parking, harassment.
Nothing about her making another indecent exposure complaint.
Really?
So, he's winding us up.
No previous convictions for him at all.
Definitely not on the Sex Offenders Register.
Are we being played here, Sarge?
Hmm. If we are - by who?
Something doesn't add up.
I think it's him.
There's something creepy about him.
Could well believe he's capable of it.
Yeah, well, just because you think he's creepy,
that's not enough to charge him.
But the fact that he's implied
that Moira's made this claim before... Which we can't find.
Exactly. Makes me wonder
if he's trying to buy himself some more time - but why?
All I am certain about is that he's wasting my time
and I don't like it.
ROB'S MESSAGE: We do not need a new, super-duper travel plug
because we've already got one that works.
That's what you think.
Hey! All done for the morning?
Done and done.
Thank you for your help again earlier. Oh, no problem.
You window shopping?
This is the one we're looking at
because we've had an offer on our place.
Are you already picturing yourself there? Well, kinda.
I mean, it needs work throughout. One of the bedrooms,
it's got this orange and brown wallpaper,
like 1970s, that's gotta go.
You know, that's making a comeback now. No, in my house, it's not.
You know, if you really want to make your mark,
you could get some paper made for you.
There's a local interior designer that does it -
handmade, exclusive... Expensive.
Oh, you get what you pay for.
Ooh! It's tempting!
Anything but magnolia.
Rob would have that throughout - save making a decision.
You should look at his website.
His name is Pierre Benoit.
Yeah. Ah!
Yeah. Ooh! Providing luxury
to the greater Midlands and beyond since 1997.
I like the colours of that. Yeah.
Look, it's like a repeating pattern of R and K.
Oh, this was meant to be!
Are you going to charge me?
Did you do what Mrs Kennedy has accused you of?
You've got a full and comprehensive statement from her, yes?
Detailed? Right.
Well, if I had done what she claims I have done,
then she would have given you a very good description of my tattoo.
The only way you can see it is if I'm totally naked.
She would be without doubt
and the description would be in the statement that you took,
which it isn't because I didn't do it.
Why didn't you tell us about the tattoo before?
And we are going to need proof.
No. Why not? Because if you don't know where it is
and what it looks like, then you can't feed that back to Moira.
Why would we do that?
To secure a conviction.
That's a serious accusation. Not the first one that's been made today.
What reason would Mrs Kennedy have
to make a false allegation against you?
Now, why would somebody who already owns three other properties
on my street to accommodate her ever-expanding family of children,
grandchildren and in-laws want to make me sell up and move?
Me again. Um...
I've got to be quick because my phone's on its last legs.
Um, I'm going to see somebody about redecorating.
And I'm thinking, because this is going to be our last big move,
that we should do something a bit more us.
Well, me!
BATTERY FAIL TONE
Oh, flipping heck!
DOORBELL CHIMES
I normally see people by appointment only.
I was about to leave for the airport.
I have a client in Venice with a 15th-century apartment
on the Santo Stefano - molto sofistico!
Um, it was your handmade wallpapers that I was very much drawn to.
Sorry. Have we met before?
You wouldn't be registered with the Mill Health Centre?
Do I look NHS?
Oh, well, we do have a couple of private clinics
for certain specialised procedures.
I do individual wallpaper orders according to a client's tastes -
they are the pinnacle of the business and prices begin at Â£150.
Oh! Per room?
Per roll.
One is paying for quality as well as exclusivity -
naturally. Well, one would expect nothing less.
Hmm.
Rachel.
Go and have another word with Moira,
see if she'll volunteer any more information up
about distinguishing marks, but don't refer to it directly.
What about Babbage?
Well, he'll have to put his money where his mouth is, so to speak.
Good luck. Mm.
MESSAGE ALERT
KAREN'S MESSAGE: Me again. I've got to be quick
as my phone is on its last legs.
Is it any wonder? I'm going to see somebody about redecorating
and I'm thinking, because this going to be our last big move,
that we should do something a bit more us?
CALL CUTS OUT
A boutique hotel in the jewellery quarter, a spa in the Cotswolds.
Ooh, that's the one. That's, that's the one I saw on the website.
Ah! Restored conservatory in Bath.
I had to sign an NDA for the client. Ha!
Old money.
Um, could I have a sample?
I'd like to show my husband what I'm thinking.
Exclusive means exclusive.
It was on the website.
Well, then, show him that.
Well, it had a dirty great,
like, watermark, copyright thingy all over it.
And now you know why.
I suppose I could do something along the same lines,
but it would require a consultation fee.
It's just weed out the casual browser.
PHONE RINGS
One moment.
Ciao, senora!
Si. It's all arranged.
Yes, yes. They passed Customs on Thursday.
My assistant collected them, ready for when I am in situ.
Yes, yes. Sorry.
I've got to go. Yes. Yes.
No, I agree. The lamps are molto bene.
Well, that is an impressive piece of artwork.
Not easy to miss, right? Hmm.
So, what are you going to charge Moira with?
Giving false evidence, wasting police time,
perverting the course of justice?
Or maybe all three.
That would certainly show the conniving...
Not entirely my decision.
What I still don't understand is why you couldn't have been straight
with us from the start. Why go round in circles?
Honestly, I wanted to weaponise you.
Sorry?
I wanted to get you all riled up
and then send you back to Moira on my behalf. Why?
Because I wanted to be sure
that you wouldn't give her the benefit of the doubt.
It was a bit of a gamble, but I'm guessing it worked.
And as soon as I heard that she had said I was completely naked,
I knew I had a chance. To do what, exactly?
I know how Moira has played the police in the past,
how she manipulates things. How do you think she ended up
with so many properties conveniently placed for her family?
So, this was some kind of noble act from you?
She is very good at making other people's lives difficult.
She gave me the chance to make a stand.
A bit of a gamble, though. It was a one-off.
But I'll admit, I was very impressed
with the way you conducted yourself today.
I did think at one moment that you might forget yourself,
but kudos, Sgt Hollins.
And maybe I also need to stop meeting everything
head down, horns up.
Me again. Have you switched off, or what?
Anyway, I found something
that's really got my gears turning for the new house.
It's this amazing wallpaper, but it's 150 quid a roll
and I was wondering if Immie knew somebody who could make it cheaper.
BANGING ON DOOR
Um... Um, I've got to go.
We're closed.
Give me back my property or I'll call the police.
You vandalised the catalogue.
What were you going to do with it,
get a cheap copy made?
Oh, chill your boots - it's just a flipping piece of paper.
It is my intellectual property and I will not have you stealing it.
MIDLANDS ACCENT: And I'll tell you another thing, lady, I...
I know you, don't I?
HOME COUNTIES ACCENT: I highly doubt that.
Hang on a minute. It's going to come to me. Um...
Pierre Benoit.
My Aunt Fanny! Pete Bennett!
Back in the day,
you were driving around in an old van selling fabrics.
Bennett's Oddments.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
You sold an old neighbour of mine a pair of curtains,
one longer than the other, full of mouseholes.
Hmm, I wonder what your posh clients would make of that.
Don't make me laugh. What are you going to do,
get on a plane to Italy?
I'll have you done for defamation on top of everything else.
Mm, that would make headlines, wouldn't it, suing me?
All my publicity.
Ooh! You're weighing up your options now, Pete.
What will it be?
Handmade wallpaper or a market stall of dodgy duvet covers?
You would have to prove me wrong.
Just give me the paper and we're quits.
Hmm.
Why the accent? What's wrong with the way we talk?
Why are you trying to cover up where you're from?
I've bettered myself.
There's nothing wrong with pulling yourself up.
Well, I've done all right without pretending to be something I'm not.
If I hear you've been spreading gossip...
Oh, go stucco something!
Ooh, hello! Are you all right?
Fine. Great.
I got you this.
It's the latest design.
Oh, wow! You shouldn't have!
You were wonderful today. It's just my way of saying thanks.
Aw!
Oh, look at that! Ha-ha!
Well? Gave her every opportunity to mention a tattoo - not a word.
Well, I can confirm that it does exist.
And he's right -
there's no way you could miss it.
Right, let's get this sewn up. Somewhere to be, Sarge?
Yeah, my wife's good books.
So, he's walking free, is he?
And using you as a taxi service into the bargain.
What a joke.
There's no justice, is there?
Actually, we're here on other business.
You're going to be arrested.
You what? He...
I'm the victim here.
Well, the evidence says otherwise.
What evidence?
You painted quite a picture,
but I have seen the real one.
Moira Kennedy, I am arresting you for perverting
the course of justice.
You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence
if you don't mention, when questioned,
something you later rely on in court.
VOICEMAIL: This is Rob Hollins.
I can't take your call. Please leave a message.
RECORDING BEEP
What are you like?
It's a good job I love you, Rob Hollins,
or else I'd be knocking you into the middle of next week.
Hello? Going out?
What happened to getting back early?
I wish...
Do you know what? Beggars would ride!
Oh, just get yourself back home.
Love you.
Bye.
Oh, it'll do.
MOBILE RINGS
MIDLANDS ACCENT: 'ello!
One moment, I'll just...pass you over.
Ciao, signora! Come stai?
HE CHUCKLES
It's me!
I'm going to jump straight in the shower. I'll see you in a bit.
Oh, and if you think you're going to spend 150 quid
on a roll of wallpaper, you've got another thing coming.
I'm gagging for a brew.
It's been nonstop all day, so I'm going to have a quick cuppa
before we go.
And, yes, I know I am late.
But don't be angry.
It's because I've been to the estate agent
and I put in an offer on the cottage.
We will argue about it over dinner.
Karen?
Wakey-wakey!
Karen!
Karen?
Like I said, these are the rules. It's simple.
We do not touch, we do not turn over,
and we most definitely do not pick up the phone.
Oh, Jim, thanks for coming. I was just going to get Karen
some stuff for the hospital. She's through there.
MOBILE RINGS
Bon appetit!
Oh, my...!
We have a loser!
Don't be worrying about that.
Karen hates it. Don't you, love?