Captions made possible by HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
OKAY, ASHLEY, YOUR TURN.
PICK SOMEONE.
GUPTA, SANDEEP.
NO INDIAN PEOPLE.
WE'RE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE, YOU GUYS.
WE SHOULD STOP DOING THIS.
HOW ABOUT MR. AND MRS. GERALD GURVITZ ?
YES, DO THEM.
OKAY.
( dialing )
( phone ringing )
HELLO ?
( female ) Hi, is Gerald there ?
WHAT TIME IS IT, WHO IS THIS ?
UM, HE'LL KNOW.
Honey, wake up.
SOMETHING'S WRONG.
MAY I ASK WHAT THIS IS REGARDING ?
Tell him...
HE LEFT HIS UNDERWEAR HERE.
EXCUSE ME ?
WHAT IS IT, HONEY ?
HANG UP !
PUT IT ON SPEAKER !
There's a woman on the phone
AND SHE SAYS THAT YOU LEFT YOUR UNDERWEAR AT HER HOUSE ?
THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
GODDAMN IT, GERALD !
I COULD KILL YOU, GERRY, WHAT DID YOU DO ?
( laughing )
HANG UP, ASHLEY, I'M DYING !
OH, JESUS.
WHAT IS IT ?
IT'S JUST KIDS.
I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE, I'VE GOT CALLER I.D.,
YOU LITTLE IDIOTS !
( laughing )
KAITLIN.
OH MY GOD !
KAITLIN, ARE YOU OKAY ?
OH MY GOD, MRS. STOLTE !
KAITLIN, KAITLIN !
MRS. STOLTE !
I AM SO, SO SORRY.
CANCER ?
YES.
YES, CANCER.
I'M HERE.
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
OKAY, BETTER.
BUT USE "WE'RE HERE" NOT "I'M HERE."
YOU'RE NOT THEIR FRIEND.
AND EASY ON THE TOUCHING.
EVEN FUNERAL DIRECTORS HAVE TO BEWARE OF TRANSFERENCE.
DAVID, YOU ARE, QUITE SIMPLY PUT,
THE BEST I'VE EVER WORKED WITH.
ARTHUR, I'M THE ONLY ONE YOU'VE EVER WORKED WITH.
( doorbell )
OKAY.
THIS ONE'S ALL YOU.
YES, SIR.
SOMETHING YOUTHFUL, SOMETHING WHITE.
PERHAPS WHITE WITH HER FAVORITE COLOR.
HER FAVORITE COLOR IS LIGHT BLUE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS PURPLE.
IT USED TO BE PURPLE.
THIS YEAR IT CHANGED TO LIGHT BLUE.
SKY BLUE.
SHE'S ONLY 14.
THAT IS SO YOUNG.
IT IS.
IT IS SO YOUNG.
MIGHT I SUGGEST WHITE WITH A PERIWINKLE SILK LINING ?
PERIWINKLE IS RT OF IN BETWEEN PURPLE AND LIGHT BLUE.
I THINK SHE MIGHT LIKE THAT.
SHE WOULD LIKE THAT.
THAT'S GOOD.
OKAY.
THAT'S ALL WE NEED FOR NOW.
I'LL SEND PHOTOS OVER LATER.
WE DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING PHOTOS.
OF COURSE NOT, HOW COULD YOU.
I'LL SEE YOU OUT.
( sobbing )
CLAIRE, COULD YOU COME GET THIS ?
NICE.
PEOPLE COLLECT THOSE.
IT'S KIND OF RACIST.
THAT'S WHY I PUT IT WAY UP THERE BACK IN THE '60s.
JUST PUT IT WITH ALL THE OTHER THINGS IN THAT PILE OVER THERE.
DID YOU START MAKING PILES IN YOUR ROOM YET ?
UM, I STILL HAVE TO GO THROUGH SOME OLD PILES,
THEN I'LL START MAKING SOME NEW ONES.
I'VE MADE A SCHEDULE FOR THE GARAGE SALE.
I THOUGHT, IF WE PUT A PLAN IN PLACE,
WE'LL BE FREE TO DEVIATE.
AS LONG AS WE'RE FREE TO DEVIATE.
SO, ARE WE JUST SELLING OUR STUFF TO MAKE ROOM FOR GEORGE ?
OR IS HE GONNA GET RID OF SOME OF HIS STUFF TOO ?
LIKE PERHAPS HIS TUPPERWARE THING FULL OF SHIT ?
SORRY, WHAT ARE WE CALLING IT ?
WE'RE NOT CALLING IT ANYTHING.
IT'S LONG GONE.
THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS IN THIS HOUSE
THAT AREN'T EVEN MINE.
LIKE THAT MAMMY COOKIE JAR.
THAT COMES FROM YOUR FATHER'S SIDE.
A LOT OF STUFF NEEDS TO JUST GO.
I'D PERSONALLY PREFER IT IF PEOPLE COULD JUST
COME UPSTAIRS AND LIKE, BID ON MY ENTIRE ROOM.
AND I'M SURE NATE HAS A FEW THINGS HE PROBABLY DOESN'T NEED
TO HAVE AROUND.
HMM.
AH.
MONKEY. MONKEY.
I HAVE TO SAY, I'M CRAZY ABOUT THE NEW RANGE ROVERS.
YOU CAN'T DRIVE AN SUV THESE DAYS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.
EXACTLY.
I DON'T SEE ANOTHER WAY THOUGH.
CERTAINLY NOT A MINIVAN--
OH NO, FUCK THAT.
( laughing )
HEY, THERE'S THAT POOR GUY WHOSE WIFE DROWNED.
I KNOW, THAT IS SO SAD.
HE'S HOT THOUGH, HUH ?
SHHH.
HEY.
HI.
HOW ARE YOU TWO ?
WE ARE FINE, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE NATE, RIGHT ?
RIGHT.
I'M MADELINE. MADELINE, HI.
THIS IS LINDA.
HI. HI, HOW ARE YOU ?
AND I KNOW MAYA...
HELLO, MAYA...
YOU WANT TO GET DOWN AND PLAY ?
ALRIGHT.
THERE YOU GO.
ALRIGHT.
( laughing )
HEY, YOU GUYS GOING TO JIMMY'S THING TONIGHT ?
I'M SO SICK OF JIMMY'S THINGS.
I ACTUALLY THINK WE'RE NOT GOING.
WELL, WE'RE ALL GOING.
IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.
WHAT TIME ARE YOU GUYS GETTING THERE ?
DON'T FORGET ABOUT THAT THING...
IN CHINATOWN.
WE SHOULD GO TO THAT.
MAYBE WE CAN GO THERE FIRST
AND THEN GET TO JIMMY'S AT LIKE 10.
EXCELLENT, GOOD.
I WILL SEE YOU THERE.
NOT GOING.
GOD, THAT MOUSTACHE IS REPULSIVE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOVED HIM.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE JUST FRIENDS.
NO, HE WAS LIKE MY SERIOUS BOYFRIEND
LIKE ALL OF FRESHMAN YEAR.
I COULD HAVE SWORN HE WAS GAY.
HE'S KNITTING.
HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED ?
A LOT OF STRAIGHT GUYS KNIT THESE DAYS.
IT'S LIKE A MACHO THING, LIKE, I'M SO STRAIGHT I CAN EVEN KNIT.
OH, OKAY, SO HE'S ACTUALLY NOT GAY ?
DON'T EVEN ASK ME.
AT THE TIME HE HAD LIKE, SEVERE BI-CURIOUS ISSUES.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO GO TO JIMMY'S THING ?
HE'S LIKE THE MATTHEW BARNEY OF LAC-ARTS.
OH, RIGHT, HE WISHES.
I ALREADY TOLD EDIE WE WERE GOING.
SHE'S GOING ?
OH YEAH, SHE'S ALWAYS AT HIS THINGS.
HMM.
* THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND *
* ROUND AND ROUND ROUND AND ROUND *
* THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND *
* ALL THROUGH THE TOWN
* THE DRIVER ON THE BUS GOES MOVE ON BACK *
( music )
NOT BAD.
OKAY, IF JESSICA SIMPSON IS THE POOR MAN'S BRITNEY,
WHAT'S CELESTE ?
MAYBE A THINKING MAN'S BRITNEY.
HER MUSIC IS SUPPOSED TO BE INSPIRATIONAL TO YOUNG GIRLS,
I'M NOT JUST AN OBJECT, I AM SOMEBODY.
OH, LIKE CHRISTINA.
YEAH, LIKE CHRISTINA, BUT WITHOUT THE ASS
HANGING OUT OF THE CHAPS.
GOT IT.
I'D LIKE TO SEE YOUR ASS HANGING OUT OF SOME CHAPS.
OKAY, NEVER.
YOU KNOW I HATE THAT SHIT.
SO DO YOU GET TO MEET CELESTE TOMORROW ?
NAH, I'M LIKE THIRD LINE OF DEFENSE.
YOU DON'T GET TO MEET THE BIG STARS
UNTIL YOU'VE PROVEN YOU'RE NOT A FREAK.
REMEMBER CAMERON DIAZ ?
DEFINITELY DO NOT DO THAT IN FRONT OF CELESTE.
OR ANY OF CELESTE'S PEOPLE.
OKAY, FREAK.
( singing along )
* YOU COULD BE THE ONE SHAVE MY LEGS FOR FREE *
"SHAVE MY LEGS FOR FREE ?"
I DON'T THINK THOSE ARE THE WORDS.
* ... YOU COULD BE THE ONE TO SHAVE MY LEGS FOR FREE *
( singing )
CONDOM.
( laughing )
C'MON, C'MON.
YOU GOT IT ?
OKAY ?
ALMOST, ALMOST--
WAIT A SECOND.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT...
I HATE THESE THINGS.
LET'S JUST... DO SOMETHING ELSE.
LET ME JUST MAKE YOU COME--
NO, I WANT TO MAKE YOU COME.
NO, AND THEN THERE'S THIS EXPECTATION,
AND I HATE EXPECTATIONS.
JUST LET ME TRY.
I DON'T WANT TO TRY.
NOW, HERE...
JUST LAY DOWN...
YEAH.
LAY BACK...
AND SHUSH.
( laughing )
I CAN'T GET RID OF THIS GOOFY SMILE.
BUT IF I CAN GET THIS RIGHT I THINK I CAN BRING HER LIPS
DOWN A LITTLE BIT.
MAY I ASK WHAT TECHNIQUE YOU'LL BE EMPLOYING ?
YES.
IT'S CALLED A FULL-MACKEW.
AS YOU CAN SEE, I'VE ALREADY THREADED LIGATURE THROUGH HER
NASAL CARTILAGE.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS CALLED A HALF-MACKEW ?
IF I'D STOPPED THERE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A HALF-MACKEW.
BUT WATCH.
I'M GOING DOWNWARD THROUGH HER GUM LINE HERE,
AND USING THE JAWBONE TO ANCHOR THE THREAD BEFORE I TIE IT OFF.
FASCINATING.
MMM-HMM.
ARTHUR, YOU READY TO GO ?
FEDERICO, IF IT'S ALRIGHT WITH YOU,
I'LL RETURN IN APPROXIMATELY ONE AND ONE HALF HOURS.
MAYBE A LITTLE WHILE LONGER IF WE DECIDE TO GET LUNCH AFTER.
I'LL WASH UP, AND MEET YOU IN THE FOYER.
YOU GUYS ARE GETTING LUNCH ?
SHOPPING, THEN LUNCH.
WOW, SHOPPING ?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US ?
NO, NO, I HAVE WORK TO DO.
THIS ONE WON'T STOP SMILING.
I WISH I KNEW WHAT THE FUCK WAS SO FUNNY.
HELLO ?
OH, HEY.
HI, COME ON IN.
LOOK, JADEN.
SU AMIGA IS HERE !
HEY, MAYA, HI.
HEY, IF SHE WANTS TO GO AND PLAY, YOU CAN JUST LET HER GO.
OH, I--
SHE HASN'T REALLY PLAYED WITH THAT MANY KIDS YET.
OH, WELL, AT THIS AGE, THEY PLAY NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
NOT WITH EACH OTHER.
IT'S CALLED PARALLEL PLAY.
YOU WANT TO GET DOWN ?
YOU WANNA GO PLAY ?
THERE YOU GO, GO AHEAD.
OH, HERE, I'LL TAKE THAT.
UM, GLADYS !
VAMOS A ESTAR ALLA PARA UN MOMENTITO, OKAY ?
OKAY, MRS. MADELINE.
COME, MIJA.
SU MOMMY VAS A JUGAR CON SU AMIGO
DONDE TU JUGAR CON SU AMIGA.
SO, UM, YOU WANT A SMOOTHIE ?
UH, SURE, SURE.
( Gladys ) YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH THE MONKEY ?
MUST BE A LATE WEDDING PRESENT.
THE CARD SAYS,
"TO MR. AND MRS. GEORGE SIBLEY !"
I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT, MRS. GEORGE--
OH, DEAR.
WHAT DID WE GET ?
EW, WHAT'S THAT SMELL ?
IT APPEARS TO BE EXCREMENT AGAIN.
NO WAY.
EXCEPT THIS TIME SOMEONE WENT TO THE TROUBLE
TO PLACE ONE INSIDE A DECORATIVE TIN.
"TO MR. AND MRS. GEORGE SIBLEY."
HMM, NO SIGNATURE, IMAGINE THAT.
THIS IS A CATASTROPHE OF THE HIGHEST ORDER.
THIS INVOLVES BOTH OF US NOW !
WHO KNOWS YOU LIVE HERE ?
WHY DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THIS ?
I'VE MADE A LOT OF ENEMIES THROUGH THE YEARS, RUTH.
YOU TAKE THE BACK-STABBING WORLD OF ACADEMIA,
THROW IN A CONTROVERSIAL FIELD LIKE GEOLOGY,
YOU'VE GOT REAL TROUBLE.
GEOLOGY IS CONTROVERSIAL ?
OIL, CLAIRE.
OIL.
LOOK.
THIS IS FROM A PERSON WHO QUITE OBVIOUSLY
IS LOOKING FOR A REACTION.
SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS ATTENTION, LET'S NOT GIVE IT TO HIM.
THAT PERSON ISN'T IN THE ROOM.
HE CAN'T SEE MY REACTION.
THAT'S A GOOD POINT, MOM.
MAYBE IT'S ONE OF YOUR MOTHER'S OLD LOVERS.
MY LOVERS ?
THE GREEK ONE.
HE WAS RUSSIAN.
ARE YOU LEAVING, CLAIRE ?
YEAH.
TOSS THIS IN THE DUMPSTER, THEN, WOULD YOU ?
OH, I THINK I'LL LET YOU DO THAT, GEORGE.
OH, LORD.
PUT BACK TO ME.
I LIKE YOU IN BROWN.
IS THIS BROWN OR IS THIS GRAY ?
SHARCA.
SEE, CHOCOLATE.
I THOUGHT HE SAID CHARCOAL.
SHARCA.
OKAY, TAKE OFF NOW.
WHAT'D YOU FIND ?
NORMALLY I'D NEVER SHOP IN THE VALLEY,
BUT THIS PLACE AIN'T TOO BAD.
THERE'S A WHOLE RACK OF MARKED DOWN JIL SANDER.
PLUS SOME JOHN VARVATOS,
HUGO BOSS AND A PAIR OF PRADA SHOES FOR LIKE, $100.
WHERE'S ARTHUR ?
CHANGING.
MAYBE WE SHOULD BUY HIM A WHOLE NEW WARDROBE.
DO THEY EVER DO THAT ?
QUEER EYE FOR THE GAY GUY ?
I DON'T THINK ARTHUR'S GAY, I THINK HE'S "A".
I DON'T KNOW, I THINK ASEXUAL PEOPLE ARE ASEXUAL
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANNA COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.
YOU REALLY THINK ARTHUR MIGHT BE GAY ?
UH, YEAH.
AW.
THAT BREAKS MY HEART.
I'M GONNA GO TRY A COUPLE OF THESE ON.
YOU'D LOOK GOOD IN THIS.
DAVID, I NEED NEW CLOTHES FOR WORK,
NOT GAY SKI WEEKEND AT MAMMOTH.
I'M GONNA BUY YOU THE SUIT, OKAY ?
OH, NO.
I COULDN'T POSSIBLY LET YOU DO THAT.
I WANT TO.
BESIDES, IT'S A BUSINESS EXPENSE.
IF I HAD A FATHER,
THIS IS THE KIND OF THING HE'D DO FOR ME.
OR EVEN AN ELDER SIBLING.
IT'S JUST A SUIT.
HEY, NICOLE.
YOU LIKE THE WAY THIS SOUNDS, HUH ?
BUT THE GUY GOES IF I WANTED MY FOOD STAMPS
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON TIME,
SO HE SAID I HAD TO CALL THE SOCIAL WORKER,
BUT SHE'S OUT ALL WEEK.
ANYWAY MY FRIEND'S HERE, SO I'M GONNA GO RIGHT NOW.
'BYE.
WE SHOULD GET NICOLE SOME TOYS.
THAT TOP IS KID SAFE.
BUT YEAH, SHE NEEDS SOME NEW TOYS.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GOT FOOD STAMPS.
YEAH.
THEY'RE FROM BEFORE I WAS WORKING AT THE CLUB.
I CAN AFFORD FOOD OF COURSE--
IT'S JUST IF I GET THE FOOD STAMPS
THEN I CAN SAVE THE CASH FOR SOMETHING ELSE.
HEY, YOU OKAY ?
I DON'T WANT NICOLE TO SEE ME CRY.
IT'S JUST I'M A LITTLE FREAKED OUT LATELY
BECAUSE I'M COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED,
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE LUPUS.
OH, SHIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS ?
IT'S CAUSED BY LEAKING IMPLANTS.
SERIOUSLY, I FEEL LIKE ONE OF 'EM RUPTURED
AND NOW THERE'S LIKE POISON SILICONE ROAMING AROUND MY BODY.
OH JEEZ.
DID YOU SEE A DOCTOR ?
NOT YET, NOT YET.
OH MY GOD, SOPHIA, HEY, LISTEN, IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
ALRIGHT ?
MAYBE WE SHOULD, MAYBE WE SHOULD PRAY ?
RICO, I DON'T NEED PRAYER, I NEED SURGERY !
MEDICAL SURGERY !
PLUS IF I GET ONE BOOB DONE, THEY'RE NOT GONNA MATCH
SO I HAVE TO GET THEM BOTH RE-DONE,
WHICH IS LIKE FIVE GRAND...
( crying )
UNLESS YOU PUT THE PAYMENT PLAN, WHICH IS LIKE $1,500 DEPOSIT.
I'M NOT ASKING YOU FOR THE MONEY.
GOD, I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU !
IF I WERE TO GIVE YOU THE $1,500 FOR THE DEPOSIT,
DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE YOU CAN, YOU KNOW, PAY ME BACK ?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I COULD GET $1,500 IN A CHUNK LIKE THAT.
WELL, YOU COULD PAY ME BACK WHATEVER YOU HAVE,
WHENEVER YOU HAVE IT...
I'LL JUST GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS ?
( laughing )
MY ANGEL.
NICOLE, GOD SENT US AN ANGEL.
YOU HAVE A GREAT LIFE.
THANKS.
DO I NEED A COASTER ?
NO, YOU CAN PUT IT ANYWHERE.
AH, OKAY, SO, THIS IS THE BOOK I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
HIS NAME IS THICH NHAT HAHN.
AND HE SAYS THAT IT ALL STARTS WITH LEARNING HOW TO BREATHE.
SO, IF I READ THIS BOOK, I'LL BE HAPPY ?
IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.
( laughing )
SO WHAT IS IT ?
YOU SEEM TO BE HAPPY, YOU OUGHTTA KNOW.
OH, GOD, WELL...
UM, I DON'T KNOW I GUESS FOR ME,
IT ALL STARTED WITH MY DIVORCE, ACTUALLY.
AND THEN, MAKING THE DECISION TO BE A STAY-AT-HOME MOM.
I MEAN IT'S HARD, NOT WORKING.
BUT I LOVE BEING WITH JADEN, SO...
WHEN SHE'S NOT WITH HER NANNIES ?
OKAY, ONE IS A NANNY AND THE OTHER IS A HOUSEKEEPER.
OKAY.
SO THIS, IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED YOUR LIFE TO BE ?
THIS IS ACTUALLY BETTER THAN I EXPECTED.
IT SMELLS SO GOOD IN HERE.
THICH NHAT HAHN.
( laughing )
RIGHT.
THAT FIREPLACE WORK ?
YEAH.
IT'S OKAY...
WHAT'S OKAY ?
( male ) ALRIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
( buzzer )
WELL, ABOUT FUCKING TIME !
EVERYBODY KEPT ASKING ME,
WHEN ARE CLAIRE AND ANITA GETTING HERE ?
AND I SAID, HOW THE FUCK DID I KNOW ?
HOW 'BOUT IT, MY LADIES ?
YOU'RE QUITE THE HOST.
EVERYTHING I DO, I DO FOR YOU.
DOES HE HAVE A LIGHTER ?
I'VE GOT FIRE.
GO, YOUR SERENE HOTNESS.
( laughing )
( coughing )
BETTER NOW.
ME, ME.
BETTER NOT BE YOU, RUSSELL.
HEY YOU.
HEY, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE ?
TOO LONG.
HEY, I LIKE YOUR SKIRT, DID YOU MAKE IT ?
MAYBE I DID.
YOU ARE SO TALENTED.
GIMME SOME OF THAT.
( rap music )
* OH, FROGGY WENT A COURTIN' AND HE DID RIDE *
* FROGGY WENT A COURTIN' AND HE DID RIDE *
* WITH A SWORD AND PISTOL BY HIS SIDE *
UGH, THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS,
I GET STONED AND THEN I'M LOCKED IN THIS PRISON.
WHAT, YOU'RE PARANOID ?
PLEASE, NO ONE THINKS ANYTHING BAD.
YOU'RE LIKE THE BEAUTIFUL FAIR-SKINNED UNTOUCHABLE
ART PRINCESS.
MISS MOUSY !
NO, NOT SO MUCH PARANOID,
BUT MORE LIKE I'D RATHER CHOOSE TO JUST BE THIS OBSERVER.
BECAUSE FOR ONE, I KNOW THAT IF I FEEL ANY VIBE ABOUT ANY GUY
I SHOULD KNOW IT MEANS RED FLAG, RED FLAG !
AND BEYOND THAT I BASICALLY HATE EVERYONE,
I HATE HER.
AND HER.
AND THAT GUY WITH THE FUCKING BOY SCOUT JACKET,
LIKE, IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE IRONIC ?
YEAH, I WOULD SAY MORE MISANTHROPE THAN PARANOID.
YEAH, BUT I AM ALSO SO TIRED OF HATING EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW ?
I MEAN, TRULY.
* OH, FROGGY WENT A COURTIN' AND HE DID RIDE *
* WITH A SWORD AND PISTOL *
CHECK ONE, TWO.
PEOPLE, FOCUS !
THE PERSON ON STAGE NEEDS TO BE LOOKED AT.
HEY.
ARE YOU INCREDIBLY STONED ?
NO.
DOES SHE DO THIS KIND OF THING A LOT ?
ALL THE TIME.
I MISS YOU.
SHUT IT.
... THE GREAT AMERICAN ART SCHOOL POSEUR
JERK-OFF EXTRAVAGANZA.
( laughing )
ANYONE NEAR THE STAGE, WE CALL THAT THE SPLASH ZONE,
SO YOU MAY WANT TO STAND BACK.
I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DRY CLEANING BILLS.
YEAH, BABY.
( male ) YEAH, BABY.
JESUS CHRIST.
GOD, THIS GIRL'S DING-DONG OUT OF HER MIND.
YEAH, BABY !
YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL HERE.
YEAH, BABY, YEAH, BABY !
I WISH I HAD MY CAMERA.
YEAH BABY, YEAH BABY, YEAH BABY, YEAH BABY, YEAH BABY...
YES, YES, YES, YEAH !
( knocking )
PLEASE ENTER.
WELL.
HELLO.
MRS...
RUTH.
ARTHUR, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.
PLEASE.
WHAT WE HAD WAS VERY SPECIAL, BUT IT'S IN THE PAST.
WE CAN'T CONTINUE TO HOLD GRUDGES
AND BE ANGRY WITH ONE ANOTHER.
I HOLD NO GRUDGES WITH YOU.
I'M HAPPY THAT YOU... APPEAR SO HAPPY.
ARTHUR, THIS HAS TO STOP !
I KNOW THAT YOU SENT US THE FECES BOX
AND THE FECES GIFT BASKET !
RUTH !
DO YOU KNOW HOW HORRIFIED I AM THAT YOU THINK
I COULD COMMIT AN ACT SO HEINOUS ?
YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL, DO YOU ?
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE FRUSTRATED, ARTHUR,
SITTING IDLY BY AS GEORGE AND I FALL DEEPER AND DEEPER
IN LOVE EACH DAY.
BUT WE HAD OUR CHANCE, WE HAD OUR TIME--
WE NEVER HAD A CHANCE !
SO YOU ARE HARBORING FEELINGS !
I DO HARBOR FEELINGS.
I'M HUMAN.
AND I'M A MAN.
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT.
BUT I WOULD NEVER SEND THOSE THINGS TO YOU.
I COULD NEVER SEND YOU...
POO.
EVER !
I WISH I COULD BELIEVE YOU.
I WISH YOU COULD TOO.
NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.
( frogs croaking )
* I KEEP MY BUTTERFLY CLOSE WHEN YOU DON'T WANNA BE BOTHERED *
* DON'T COME WAKING ME UP, 'CAUSE I AIN'T GIVING YOU NADA *
* 'CAUSE I GOT ME A TOY AND IT WORKS FOR ME *
* AND IT LASTS LONGER THAN THE BATTERY *
* SO YOU BEST BELIEVE THAT *
* A TOY, EVERY GIRL MUST HAVE A TOY *
* THE WAY IT MAKE YOU FEEL *
* EVERY GIRL MUST HAVE A TOY *
* A TOY, EVERY GIRL MUST HAVE A TOY *
THIS THE LINE ?
YEAH.
( moaning )
* I USED TO WISH THAT YOU WOULD LOVE ME *
* AND FANTASIZE ON HOW WE USED TO BE *
* UNTIL I DISCOVERED SOMETHING BETTER THAN YOU *
* I DON'T NEED, NO NEED... *
SO, THIS COURSE I'M TAKING, RECOVERY FROM MADNESS ?
THE WOMAN WHO TEACHES IT WAS ACTUALLY,
OR IS BIPOLAR.
DO YOU HAVE TO BE BIPOLAR TO GET IN ?
YEAH, IT HELPS.
ANYWAY, SHE WROTE THIS INCREDIBLE BOOK,
EXPLAINING WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, SHE'S KIND OF A PIONEER.
OH.
OH, HERE.
THANK YOU.
DON'T THANK ME.
I COULD WAIT ON YOU HAND AND FOOT ALL DAY.
I'M SERIOUS.
IT WOULD MAKE ME A VERY HAPPY MAN.
SO, YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT WHEN I WAS PUTTING ON THAT CONDOM--
OH LISTEN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN.
I SHOULD JUST GO BACK ON THE PILL AND IT WON'T BE A PROBLEM.
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU KNOW, I USED TO THINK THAT
I HAD, LIKE, A PROBLEM STAYING HARD OR WHATEVER.
HEY, NO, IT'S OKAY, REALLY.
NO, THEN I REALIZED THAT I'M TOTALLY HARD WHEN I--
YOU KNOW LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ROLE--
I REALLY LIKE THAT DYNAMIC WHEN LIKE ONE PERSON IS BOSS,
AND THE OTHER PERSON IS SORT OF LIKE MORE DOMINANT
OR THE OTHER PERSON IS A LITTLE MORE SUB--
I'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS VERY WELL.
NO, YOU'RE EXPLAINING IT FINE.
IT'S ACTUALLY--
YOU DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN IT ANYMORE.
YOU KNOW, LOOK, I KNOW EVERYONE HAS THEIR THING.
I'VE KNOWN PROSTITUTES AND DOMINATRIXES.
I'VE BEEN TO SEX CLUBS AND LEATHER CLUBS
AND I'VE HEARD OF GUYS WHO CAN ONLY CUM IF A GIRL IS,
I DON'T KNOW, SITTING ON A BALLOON,
I WROTE THIS WHOLE EROTIC NOVELLA ABOUT A GIRL WHO--
I WAS HOPING THAT WE COULD BE--
WE CAN BE ANYTHING--
I WAS HOPING THAT...
WE...
COULD HAVE NORMAL SEX.
LIKE NORMAL SEX ?
YEAH, NORMAL SEX.
THE WAY NORMAL PEOPLE DO IT.
I MEAN, NORMAL PEOPLE HAVE SEX, RIGHT ?
YEAH. YEAH, I PRESUME SO.
THEY DON'T TURN IT ALL INTO SOME FANTASY,
OR GET DRUNK OR SMOKE POT TO MAKE IT INTERESTING.
WE CAN SMOKE POT, I CAN GET POT--
NO, I DON'T WANT TO SMOKE POT.
I SMOKED SO MUCH POT IT WAS...
IT MADE ME... ME.
NOW ALL THOSE THINGS JUST SEEM LIKE AN ESCAPE FROM SEX.
ALRIGHT WELL, I'LL PUT SOME THOUGHT INTO EXPLORING
MY NORMAL SIDE.
OH, THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS SAYING.
BUT ANYWAY, LOOK, I SHOULD GO TO BED.
I'VE GOT CLASS TOMORROW.
SO, I'M GOING HOME ?
IF YOU NEED TO.
YEAH.
( door opening and closing )
YUCK.
SPINNIES.
ARE YOU GONNA BARF IN MY BED ?
NAH.
'CAUSE I CAN GET A GARBAGE CAN
AND PUT IT NEXT TO YOU IF YOU WANT.
NAH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DRANK SO MUCH AND I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE FUN.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE OUT WITH RUSSELL.
HE'S A REALLY GOOD KISSER.
YEAH.
SO, IS EDIE, LIKE, FULL-TIME LESBIAN
OR IS SHE JUST LIKE ART SCHOOL BI-GIRL ?
NOPE.
HARD CORE LIKE, TOTALLY LESBIAN FEMINIST.
IS SHE GOING OUT WITH THAT GIRL ?
THAT RED-HAIRED GIRL WITH THE WIFE BEATER ?
YOU OKAY, ANITA ?
MAYBE I COULD USE THAT GARBAGE CAN.
( moaning )
( music )
( dog barking )
( baby crying )
( knocking )
ARTHUR ?
"TO THE WONDERFUL FISHER FAMILY.
"I AM SORRY TO INFORM YOU THAT, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY,
"I AM RESIGNING FROM FISHER AND DIAZ
"AS WELL AS RELEASING TENANCY OF MY ROOM IN THE FISHER RESIDENCE.
"I NO LONGER FEEL COMFORTABLE IN THESE SURROUNDINGS.
BEST, ARTHUR."
WHO'S ARTHUR ?
WHO ARE YOU ?
THIS IS MY FRIEND, ANITA.
THAT'S MY BROTHER, DAVID.
AND THIS IS MY BROTHER, NATE.
HI.
HEY.
ARTHUR QUIT.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED ?
I JUST BOUGHT HIM A SUIT.
WELL, I GOTTA GO.
I HAVE TO TAKE MAYA OVER TO HER NEW FRIEND JADEN'S HOUSE...
FOR A PLAY DATE.
OH, COOL.
NO, LEAVE, MAYA HAS PLACES TO BE, I'LL BE FINE.
I DIDN'T KNOW TWO-YEAR-OLDS HAD LIKE, ACTUAL FRIENDSHIPS.
YEAH, THEY MET AT MOMMY N' ME, THEY REALLY HIT IT OFF.
OH, WHERE'S ALL YOUR GARAGE SALE STUFF ?
I DON'T HAVE ANY.
LOOK, EVERYTHING I HAVE, I NEED.
DON'T ASK.
I WONDER IF ARTHUR LEFT BECAUSE HE FELT PRESSURED,
LIKE KEITH AND I WERE TRYING TO WELCOME-WAGON HIM INTO GAYLAND.
GAYLAND ?
PLEASE, ARTHUR HAD A THING WITH MOM.
IN FACT I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WERE FUCKBUDDIES.
WHOA.
ARTHUR AND MOM ?
YEAH, SHE WAS VERY VAGUE ABOUT IT,
BUT I KNOW SOMETHING WENT ON.
UGH !
OKAY, SCOTT, I'M PUTTING YOU OUT IN THE AUDIENCE,
IN CASE SOME FREAK HAS GOTTEN IN.
KEITH, I'M MAKING YOU THE DESIGNATED FOR CELESTE.
GOT IT.
I WANT YOU TO PARK IT OUTSIDE OF HER DRESSING ROOM,
AND DO NOT LET ANYBODY IN EXCEPT FOR THE RABBI AND LAWYER.
JUST THOSE TWO GUYS, CHECK.
NO, THEY'RE THE SAME GUY.
COPY THAT.
FRED, I THINK I'VE ALREADY MADE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR.
YES.
NO, I'M FINE DOING THE CRAPPY KID'S CHOICE AWARDS,
BUT I WILL NOT PRESENT WITH HILLARY FUCKING DUFF.
THERE HAS TO BE SOMEONE ELSE.
C'MON, THINK A LITTLE HARDER THAN THAT.
THE OLSEN TWINS ?
WHAT, IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY ?
( phone ringing )
( beep )
HI, IT'S ME...
I MISS YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU ?
HI.
HELLO.
HOW YOU DOING ?
GOOD.
SHE IN THERE ?
I BELIEVE SO.
OKAY.
UH...
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO ALLOW ANYBODY IN.
OH, I UNDERSTAND, BUT I'M ELLEN.
IT'S MY SHOW, SO--
RIGHT.
I'M NOT A THREAT.
THAT'S A PRETTY BLOUSE.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND MANLY.
NICE SHIRT.
IS THAT MAUVE OR MAUVE ?
YEAH.
PRETTY.
THANK YOU.EXCUSE.
CELESTE.
HI, I'M ELLEN.
I KNOW THAT !
WELL...
IT'S LIKE MY BRAIN IS ENCASED IN THIS FLUID
AND IF I MOVE THEN THE FLUID MOVES AND MY BRAIN KILLS.
OR IT COULD BE ENCEPHALITIS.
HERE, TRY MY SODA.
LOOKS LIKE YOU SOLD MY TV.
OH, YEAH, I GOT 50 !
YOUR LITTLE BOYS ARE SO CUTE !
THE BIG ONE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HIS DADDY !
YEAH, HIS DADDY'S JUST GONNA BUY SOME MORE JUNK
AND WE'RE GONNA SPEND THE 50 WE JUST MADE.
... Control Freaks is the movie.
And Colin Farrell who she's just friends with.
I am, we're just friends, he's really sweet though.
Whatever you say.
And so let's talk a little bit about the CD.
"Me Here Now".
And is it Me comma, Here comma, Now ?
No, Me period, Here period, Now.
Exclamation.
Exclamation, it is strong.
It's about me being here right now.
I mean, I want all my fans, all the girls out there
to know that the most important thing is to be yourself
and to be here...
Now.
That's right.
And this is who you are in the now.
But if you were someone different say yesterday
or even tomorrow that's still who you are, it's now.
Although it was before or maybe later,
but it's you in the then.
Uh-huh, and it comes out in two weeks.
( moaning )
( laughing )
( heavy breathing )
OH MY GOD, CREEPY COLIN FARRELL
JUST LEFT ME ANOTHER CREEPY MESSAGE,
CAN'T WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT ?
YOU KNOW, LEGALLY ?
WELL, I GUESS--
KEITH, DID YOU USE THE BATHROOM IN CELESTE'S DRESSING ROOM ?
YEAH, BUT THAT'S WHEN SHE WAS DOING THE SHOW.
NO ONE WAS AROUND SO I THOUGHT--
YEAH, DUDE, IT'S NOT COOL, OKAY ?
OKAY, I'M SORRY.
YOU DO NOT USE THE CLIENT'S CAN EVER.
GOT IT.
I THINK I KNOW WHO SENT US THE, THE--
THE SHIT ?
YES, THE SHIT.
I BELIEVE IT WAS ARTHUR.
ARTHUR ?
GEORGE, ARTHUR QUIT TODAY AFTER I CONFRONTED HIM.
AND, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW THAT ARTHUR AND I ONCE HAD...
SOMETHING.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T TELL YOU.
NO NEED.
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
BUT HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE SOMEONE YOU'D BE ATTRACTED TO.
WELL, IT WASN'T...
IT WASN'T A RELATIONSHIP.
BUT WE DID CARE DEEPLY FOR ONE ANOTHER,
WE UNDERSTOOD ONE ANOTHER, WE HAD SIMILAR INTERESTS.
SIMILAR INTERESTS ?
LIKE SEX ?
NO, NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.
WE HAD OUR OWN LANGUAGE.
WE NUZZLED.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
THE WAY HORSES NUZZLE.
LIKE A HEAD... RUBBING.
A HEAD BUTTING.
YOU BUTTED HEADS ?
OH, YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO SORDID !
LOOK, WE DID THIS...
( laughing )
STOP IT, IT WAS QUITE LOVELY.
IT WASN'T FUNNY.
YES, MAYBE WE WERE A LITTLE CRAZY.
IT'S CALLED A FOLIE A DEUX.
TWO PEOPLE CONFUSING A MOMENTARY INSANITY FOR LOVE.
IS THAT WHAT IT'S CALLED ?
MMM-HMM.
( laughing )
( sighing )
OH--
OH, I'M SORRY, JADEN AND I HAVE TO GO MEET SOME PEOPLE
AT THE GROVE IN A FEW MINUTES.
NO, IT'S FINE, I JUST THOUGHT--
HEY...
DID YOU GET MY BED ALL WET ?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING BACK.
I WISH.
WELL, IF YOU WANT, MAYA AND I COULD STAY HERE WITH THE NANNY.
I COULD POP IN A MOVIE FOR HER
AND WE COULD BE WAITING WHEN YOU GET BACK.
( laughing )
YOU'RE FUNNY.
GOD, THESE SHEETS FEEL SO GOOD.
I'VE NEVER FELT ANYTHING LIKE THEM.
WHERE ARE THEY FROM ?
UM...
I NEED YOU TO LEAVE.
RIGHT.
SO IT'S THAT EASY ?
WHAT IS ?
I MEAN, HOW ARE PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS, EXACTLY ?
SO NOW WHAT, I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST AVOID THAT PARTICULAR
MOMMY AND ME CLASS ?
OR WHAT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA SEND YOUR NANNY
SO YOU CAN AVOID LOOKING AT ME ?
AND SEEING ME ?
AND SEEING WHAT I THOUGHT I SAW IN YOU ?
AND SO I JUST CEASE TO EXIST.
AND SO DO YOU.
NATE ?
ARE YOU OKAY ?
I'M SORRY, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M DOING THIS.
YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, WE'LL GO.
OKAY, I'LL WAIT FOR YOU DOWNSTAIRS.
( sighing )
OH GOD.
YOU GOT IN TROUBLE ?
WHAT, DID YOU ASK FOR HER AUTOGRAPH OR SOMETHING ?
OR LOOK HER IN THE EYE ?
NO, WORSE.
I PEED IN HER JOHN.
WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE ON THE TOILET SEAT ?
NO.
I LIFTED THE TOILET SEAT.
I JUST USED THE SAME TOILET SHE DID.
WHICH APPARENTLY IS A MAJOR FAUX PAS.
WELL, IF IT HELPS, MY DAY SUCKED, TOO.
ARTHUR QUIT.
YEAH, I'M IN HELL
AND I'LL PROBABLY NEVER BE HOME IN TIME FOR DINNER AGAIN.
SO WHERE'S YOUR OTHER BROTHER ?
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH MY BROTHER NOW ?
I JUST ASKED WHERE HE WAS.
GOD, IF NO ONE BUYS THIS STUFF
I AM NOT DRAGGING IT BACK UPSTAIRS.
I'M JUST NOT FEELING THIS
LIKE HIPPY DIPPY PAISLEY CRAP ANYMORE, YOU KNOW ?
IT'S LIKE, SUDDENLY I JUST FEEL MODERN AND SIMPLE
AND I JUST WANT LIKE WHITE PLASTIC FURNITURE.
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRASH ALL THE SHIT YOU DON'T WANT ?
OR TAKE IT TO THE THRIFT STORE.
YEAH, OR BURN IT.
( laughing )
YEAH.
HEY, MOM !
HEY, MOM, WHY DON'T WE JUST BURN WHAT'S LEFT OVER ?
WE CAN'T, SOME OF THIS STUFF IS VALUABLE.
SURE YOU WANNA SAVE THIS ?
THAT WAS ARTHUR'S POUCH.
A COUPLE PENNIES IN IT.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, CLAIRE.
LET'S BURN IT, LET'S BURN IT ALL.
I MISSED YOU.
YOU WERE SO FAR AWAY.
ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COURTYARD.
IT WAS NICE KNOWING WHERE YOU WERE
EVEN WHEN WE WEREN'T TALKING.
WERE WE NOT TALKING ?
NOT OFFICIALLY, I GUESS.
SO THIS QUESTION OF NORMAL SEX.
I KNOW, IT IS SO SILLY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID IT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I MEANT.
I THINK I JUST WANTED SO MUCH TO DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME,
AND I THOUGHT--
FUNNY, 'CAUSE THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,
THE MORE NORMAL SEX JUST KINDA SEEMED LIKE...
YOU KNOW, BAD SEX.
I KNOW.
I THINK IDEALLY SEX FOR ME SHOULD BE THIS...
REVEALING, OF MYSELF...
OURSELVES, MAYBE.
I THINK THAT COULD BE A LOVING THING, TOO.
RIGHT ?
MMM.
DON'T TAKE BRENDA APART AND JUST SORT OF HAND ME THE GOOD STUFF.
I WANT ALL THE STUFF, EVEN THE BAD STUFF.
( laughing )
OH...
MMM...
SO...
WHAT WAS IT...
THAT YOU WANTED TO SAY ?
WELL...
REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I COULD WAIT ON YOU
HAND AND FOOT ?
* I'M ON A ROLL
THIS TIME... *
WHAT'S THIS ?
YOU LOOK WEIRD.
HEY, CAN YOU HOLD HER ?
DON'T LET HER GET TOO CLOSE TO THE FIRE.
OKAY.
MOM...
I'M MOVING BACK INTO THE HOUSE.
OKAY.
YOU CAN HAVE ARTHUR'S ROOM.
CAN I HAVE THE COACH HOUSE THEN ?
WELL...
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
( music continues )
Captions Copyright 2004 HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
Captioned by HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
* STANDING ON THE EDGE