1 00:00:26,266 --> 00:00:28,500 ♪ y'all gonna make me lose my mind ♪ 2 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,800 ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ 3 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,300 ♪ y'all gonna make me go all out ♪ 4 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,667 ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ 5 00:00:35,667 --> 00:00:38,033 ♪ y'all gonna make me act a fool ♪ 6 00:00:38,033 --> 00:00:40,333 ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ 7 00:00:40,333 --> 00:00:42,834 ♪ y'all gonna make me lose my cool ♪ 8 00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:45,100 ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ 9 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,900 From the historic lincoln theater 10 00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:48,967 In Washington, d.c., 11 00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:51,533 Dave chappelle ! 12 00:01:00,633 --> 00:01:02,433 Thank you ! 13 00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:06,567 Thank you, thank you ! 14 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,400 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. 15 00:01:11,934 --> 00:01:14,300 Alright... 16 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:17,100 Boy... 17 00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:20,133 Y'all make it good to come home, boy, I swear. 18 00:01:20,133 --> 00:01:23,433 I know, man, it's been a while, it's been a while. 19 00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:26,800 D.C.'s Different ! 20 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,433 I been gone, man, it took me years 21 00:01:30,433 --> 00:01:33,667 To get to do this show, boy, d.c. Has changed. 22 00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,266 It's different now. 23 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,967 There's a lot of white people walkin' around, isn't there ? 24 00:01:50,767 --> 00:01:55,567 I left D.C. in the 80's, It was not like this in the 80's. 25 00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:57,700 When crack was going on, 26 00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:59,133 Remember when crack was going on ? 27 00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:01,333 The white people'd be lookin' at d.c. From virginia 28 00:02:01,333 --> 00:02:03,633 With binoculars and shit. 29 00:02:03,633 --> 00:02:07,000 "Well, that looks dangerous. 30 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,300 Not yet." 31 00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:16,133 New white people, you can't scare these white people. 32 00:02:16,133 --> 00:02:17,900 I tried. 33 00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:20,734 Rolled up on 'em, "boo !" 34 00:02:20,734 --> 00:02:23,200 "What the hell is wrong with you ?" 35 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,000 "Those days are over." 36 00:02:30,467 --> 00:02:33,367 I'm glad that we're doing a show here by howard, 37 00:02:33,367 --> 00:02:34,900 You know, and you see white people come by 38 00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:36,033 And that's good. 39 00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:37,400 The one thing i'm seeing, 40 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:38,734 You'll be walking down the street 41 00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:40,367 And you'll see a group of black dudes walking, 42 00:02:40,367 --> 00:02:43,300 Not just any old black dudes, we're talking, you know, 43 00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,934 "Thugs". 44 00:02:45,934 --> 00:02:49,233 There'd be some thugs, and in the group, 45 00:02:49,233 --> 00:02:52,433 They got one or two, sometimes as many 46 00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:53,900 As three white guys will be with them, 47 00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:55,433 Did ya ever see that shit ? 48 00:02:55,433 --> 00:02:57,433 Well, let me tell you something about those white guys. 49 00:02:57,433 --> 00:03:01,166 Those white guys are the most dangerous motherfuckers 50 00:03:01,166 --> 00:03:03,066 In them groups. 51 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,600 Well, it's true, it's true, man. 52 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,500 Ain't no tellin' what they've done 53 00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:12,300 To get them black dude's respect. 54 00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:15,266 But, them black dudes have seen them do 55 00:03:15,266 --> 00:03:17,467 Some wild shit, i'll tell you that. 56 00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:18,967 I been trying to tell brothers that. 57 00:03:18,967 --> 00:03:20,667 Every group of brothers should have at least 58 00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,400 One white guy in it. 59 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,667 I'm serious, for safety. 60 00:03:27,133 --> 00:03:29,133 'cause when the shit goes down, 61 00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:32,734 Somebody's gonna need to talk to the police. 62 00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:43,667 That's when that white friend comes in handy. 63 00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:46,700 "Uh-oh, ernie, wanna get this one ? 64 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:49,633 C'mon now, c'mon, do somethin'." 65 00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:52,033 See, black people are very afraid of the police. 66 00:03:52,033 --> 00:03:55,000 That is a big part of our culture. 67 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,133 It don't matter how rich you are, 68 00:03:56,133 --> 00:03:58,400 How old you are. 69 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,500 We're just afraid of 'em. 70 00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:04,200 We got every reason to be afraid of them. 71 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,367 You know, like, you're a white lady, 72 00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:06,800 You ever been pulled over before ? 73 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,467 And what do they say ? 74 00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:09,734 Let me see your driver's license 75 00:04:09,734 --> 00:04:11,667 And your registration, right ? 76 00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:14,133 See, see, i'm just guessing. 77 00:04:14,133 --> 00:04:17,233 That's not what they say to us. 78 00:04:17,233 --> 00:04:20,934 You wouldn't believe what they say to us. 79 00:04:20,934 --> 00:04:23,567 "Spread your cheeks and lift your sack." 80 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,767 Like, what the fuck ? 81 00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:28,133 "Excuse me ?!" 82 00:04:28,133 --> 00:04:29,834 "You heard me, spread open your cheeks 83 00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:32,033 And lift your sack." 84 00:04:32,033 --> 00:04:34,233 I got a driver's license, too. 85 00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:37,000 It's one of the easier ways to prove who I am. 86 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,000 What does that prove ? 87 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,400 I can't go to the bank like that. 88 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,233 Cash my check. 89 00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:44,533 "What do you mean you don't have any i.d. ?" 90 00:04:44,533 --> 00:04:46,000 "Wait a minute." 91 00:04:48,867 --> 00:04:52,266 "Oh, oh, i'm sorry mr. Chappelle, 92 00:04:52,266 --> 00:04:54,133 "Right this way. 93 00:04:54,133 --> 00:04:57,734 Why didn't you spread your cheeks in the beginning ?" 94 00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:00,900 Scared of 'em. 95 00:05:02,967 --> 00:05:05,166 I'm serious, man. 96 00:05:05,166 --> 00:05:06,266 You ever been at a red light, 97 00:05:06,266 --> 00:05:07,633 The police might pull up next to you ? 98 00:05:07,633 --> 00:05:09,133 It won't be no big deal for you, 99 00:05:09,133 --> 00:05:10,734 But, I fuckin' fall apart. 100 00:05:10,734 --> 00:05:12,633 "Oh, oh, man. 101 00:05:12,633 --> 00:05:15,934 No, don't look over there, no, no." 102 00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:22,800 But, I didn't always know there was a black thing, 103 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,800 It took me a while to figure that out. 104 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,100 I learned that shit in new york, 105 00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:29,033 I was in new york city. 106 00:05:31,567 --> 00:05:33,734 I was hanging out with a friend of mine. 107 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,967 He's a white guy, you know, we were just hanging out, 108 00:05:35,967 --> 00:05:37,734 And we were lost in the city, 109 00:05:37,734 --> 00:05:39,467 You know, we were smoking a joint. 110 00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:41,166 Now I don't know if it's a coincidence 111 00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:43,033 That we were lost and high, and shit, 112 00:05:43,033 --> 00:05:47,600 But, my white buddy, he was smoking a joint. 113 00:05:49,367 --> 00:05:51,433 "Dave, dave ! 114 00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:53,467 It's the godamn cops." 115 00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:06,900 "I'm gonna ask 'em for directions." 116 00:06:09,166 --> 00:06:12,767 I said, "chip, no ! Chip, don't do it ! 117 00:06:12,767 --> 00:06:14,633 It was too late. 118 00:06:14,633 --> 00:06:18,000 He was walking over there, this man was high as shit. 119 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,867 "Excuse me. 120 00:06:19,867 --> 00:06:21,533 Excuse me, sir." 121 00:06:21,533 --> 00:06:24,467 Touching him and shit, "excuse me. 122 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:27,000 I need some information." 123 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,900 He starts confessing things he shouldn't confess. 124 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,600 "I'm a little high... 125 00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:38,333 All I wanna know, which way is third street ?" 126 00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:40,667 The cop was like, "hey, take it easy. 127 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:44,166 "You're on third street. 128 00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:48,333 "You better be careful, go ahead, move it. 129 00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:50,800 Move it." 130 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,266 That's all that happened. 131 00:06:54,266 --> 00:06:56,600 That's the end of the story. 132 00:06:56,600 --> 00:07:00,633 Now, I know that's not amazing to some of you, 133 00:07:00,633 --> 00:07:02,533 But, you ask one of these black fellas, 134 00:07:02,533 --> 00:07:05,500 That shit is fucking incredible, isn't it ? 135 00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,266 A black man would never dream 136 00:07:07,266 --> 00:07:09,900 Of talking to the police high. 137 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,500 That's a waste of weed. 138 00:07:17,633 --> 00:07:19,600 I'm serious. 139 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,200 I'd be scared of talking to the police 140 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,200 When i'm sleepy ! 141 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,800 Fuck around, get the wrong ideas. 142 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,600 "Oh !" 143 00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,500 "Oh, my god ! 144 00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:35,200 "That nigger was on pcp, johnson ! 145 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,533 "I had to use necessary force. 146 00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:40,000 "You saw him ! 147 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,333 "No, no, no, no paperwork. 148 00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:44,266 "Just sprinkle some crack on him, 149 00:07:44,266 --> 00:07:46,667 Let's get out of here." 150 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:49,767 That's how it is, but, at the time, 151 00:07:49,767 --> 00:07:51,667 I didn't think there was anything racial about it. 152 00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:53,700 I was like, "man, chip, you got fuckin' lucky, 153 00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,266 You better be careful." 154 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,500 But, then another time, me and chip were driving. 155 00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:01,433 Now, i'm not driving, chip is driving, 156 00:08:01,433 --> 00:08:03,600 And he's driving a little crazy. 157 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,500 He's been drinking. 158 00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:10,166 Now, I don't like to let my friends drive drunk, 159 00:08:10,166 --> 00:08:12,266 But, you know, I was smoking a joint, 160 00:08:12,266 --> 00:08:14,200 I couldn't really say shit to the guy ! 161 00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:20,367 But, we get to a red light, 162 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,867 We stop at a red light, 163 00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:23,266 And a car pulls up next to us, 164 00:08:23,266 --> 00:08:24,600 And, i'll never forget it. 165 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,333 Chip, he looks at me and he's all drunk, 166 00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:28,066 And he's like, "dave, 167 00:08:28,066 --> 00:08:30,300 I'm gonna race 'em." 168 00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,800 I knew it was a bad idea. 169 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,533 But, I was high. 170 00:08:40,533 --> 00:08:42,767 I tried to explain to him it was a bad idea, 171 00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:44,567 But, all that came out was, 172 00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:47,033 "Well, nigger, sometimes you gotta race, I don't know." 173 00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:57,433 Man, that light turned green and chip took off ! 174 00:08:57,433 --> 00:08:59,200 Zig zaggin' and shit, so, no one could pass, 175 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,166 The other car didn't even know we was racin' ! 176 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,900 Then the police seen us and pulled us over. 177 00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,533 Now, you understand, i'm scared as shit. 178 00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:11,266 I mean, come on, the car smells like weed, 179 00:09:11,266 --> 00:09:14,700 We've been speeding, this man is fucking drunk ! 180 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:17,300 I'm scared. 181 00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:20,100 Chip was not scared at all. 182 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:22,100 It was weird, he didn't even turn his radio down, 183 00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:23,834 Isn't that weird ? 184 00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:25,300 I mean, if you get pulled over, 185 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,300 Wouldn't you turn your radio down ? 186 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,700 Nobody wanna get their ass beat 187 00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:30,734 To a soundtrack and shit. 188 00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:33,767 Know what i'm saying ? 189 00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:36,066 Chip had the music blasting... 190 00:09:36,066 --> 00:09:38,233 ♪ we're not gonna take it ♪ 191 00:09:44,867 --> 00:09:47,467 He looked at me and said, "dave, just relax. 192 00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:49,967 "Close your butt cheeks, relax ! 193 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,700 Let me do the talking." 194 00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,367 Wanna know what he said ? 195 00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:01,200 This is almost exactly what he said. 196 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,333 I couldn't believe it, he says, "oh, oh... 197 00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:08,066 "Sorry, officer, i... 198 00:10:09,834 --> 00:10:12,367 I didn't know I couldn't do that." 199 00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:16,667 I was fucking shocked ! 200 00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:19,400 The cop said, "well, now you know. 201 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,633 Get outta here, just get the fuck you outta here." 202 00:10:25,734 --> 00:10:28,533 Chip said, "okay, I will, sir, thank you. 203 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,233 "What ? 204 00:10:32,233 --> 00:10:34,934 What's wrong with you, dave ?" 205 00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:39,633 "I didn't know I couldn't do that." 206 00:10:39,633 --> 00:10:41,533 He said, "that was good, wasn't it ?! 207 00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:45,633 Because I did know I couldn't do that !" 208 00:10:56,967 --> 00:10:59,033 I was shocked. 209 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,567 I wasn't shocked at the audacity, 210 00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:03,066 I was just shocked because I would've 211 00:11:03,066 --> 00:11:05,433 Never thought to say that. 212 00:11:05,433 --> 00:11:07,400 I don't think any black dude would think to say that. 213 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,800 Because they know we know the law. 214 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,667 Every black dude in this room 215 00:11:12,667 --> 00:11:14,667 Is a qualified paralegal and shit, 216 00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:16,900 He knows the law. 217 00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:19,533 If one of us even start to do something wrong, 218 00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:21,467 The old black man would pop outta nowhere, 219 00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:23,834 "Nigger, don't do that, that's 5-to-10 ! 220 00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:27,367 Watch out !" 221 00:11:29,834 --> 00:11:33,000 But, we know the laws and the penalties. 222 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,100 Now, chip didn't even know he couldn't race. 223 00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,166 I'm not saying I don't like police, 224 00:11:37,166 --> 00:11:38,500 I'm not saying that. 225 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,333 I'm saying i'm just scared of 'em. 226 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,867 There's nothing wrong with that. 227 00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:44,400 Sometimes, we wanna call 'em too. 228 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,533 Somebody broke into my house once, 229 00:11:46,533 --> 00:11:48,700 That's a good time to call 'em, but, no, 230 00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,767 Uh-uh, uh-uh. 231 00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,967 The house was too nice. 232 00:11:52,967 --> 00:11:54,367 It ain't a real nice house, 233 00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:56,967 But, they'd never believe I lived in it. 234 00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:58,400 They'd be like, "he's still here ! 235 00:12:00,166 --> 00:12:02,066 "Oh, my god ! 236 00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:09,166 "Open and shut case, johnson ! 237 00:12:09,166 --> 00:12:11,934 "I saw this once before when I was a rookie. 238 00:12:11,934 --> 00:12:14,600 "Apparently, this nigger broke in 239 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,433 "And hung up pictures of his family everywhere. 240 00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:23,533 "Well, let's sprinkle some crack on him 241 00:12:23,533 --> 00:12:25,266 And get outta here !" 242 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,467 Ah, you know, that's the whole brutality thing. 243 00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:33,066 See, that's common knowledge now. 244 00:12:33,066 --> 00:12:34,467 There was a time when only minorities 245 00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:35,967 Really knew about that. 246 00:12:35,967 --> 00:12:37,600 I'm not gonna say white people didn't believe us, 247 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,300 But, you were a little skeptical. 248 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,033 And, I mean, I don't blame you, 249 00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:43,200 And then newsweek printed it and you knew it was true. 250 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:47,367 In newsweek, white people were like, "oh, my god. 251 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,867 "Honey, did you see this ? 252 00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:52,033 "Apparently the police have been beating up negroes 253 00:12:52,033 --> 00:12:54,600 "Like hotcakes ! 254 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,033 It's in the may issue." 255 00:13:00,133 --> 00:13:02,066 I mean, really, how could you know, though ? 256 00:13:02,066 --> 00:13:03,734 How could anyone else know ? 257 00:13:03,734 --> 00:13:05,967 I mean, maybe you should've seen something 258 00:13:05,967 --> 00:13:07,600 A little suspicious. 259 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,200 Didn't you think it was like a little suspicious, 260 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,533 Just a little suspicious ? 261 00:13:10,533 --> 00:13:12,600 Every dead black person the police find 262 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,567 Has crack sprinkled all over them ? 263 00:13:17,266 --> 00:13:18,834 C'mon, man. 264 00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:20,800 Who gets shot and sprinkles crack on themselves ? 265 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,100 Nobody would do that. 266 00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:22,900 Bam ! 267 00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:24,800 "Oh, oh... " 268 00:13:29,867 --> 00:13:32,734 "I don't wanna leave no mysteries." 269 00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:39,767 I'm a paranoid guy, you know, so, 270 00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:43,333 I'd be scared to call 911 for anything. 271 00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:45,367 Even if it's like a fire or anything. 272 00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:47,367 'cause they tape those phone calls. 273 00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:49,533 I see the shows, they tape 'em, 274 00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:51,166 And then they play 'em on television. 275 00:13:51,166 --> 00:13:52,867 That's fucked up. 276 00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:55,066 Now, i'll say anything if i'm scared, 277 00:13:55,066 --> 00:13:57,567 That shit is private, you know ? 278 00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:59,500 What if I get killed ? 279 00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:01,834 They start playing that 911 tape on the news, 280 00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:04,400 I'm dead, I can't explain myself to my buddies and shit. 281 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,266 They'd be watching the news, 282 00:14:06,266 --> 00:14:08,700 "We have reg chapman on the scene, reg ? 283 00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:12,333 What's going on out there ?" 284 00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:14,433 It's always takes the guy on the scene a minute. 285 00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:18,400 "Hi, bob ! 286 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,433 "Hi, yes, we just got hold of a copy 287 00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:24,133 "Of dave chappelle's frantic, 288 00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:26,533 911 emergency call. 289 00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:33,667 "Remember viewers, some of this language is disturbing." 290 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,400 "Hello, emergency." 291 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,233 "Help ! 292 00:14:42,233 --> 00:14:45,333 Help, motherfucker, they're coming to get me !" 293 00:14:45,333 --> 00:14:48,500 "Just calm down, sir, where are you ?" 294 00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,867 "Oh, oh, I shit on myself ! 295 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,834 I can't stop crying." 296 00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:59,767 They'll play that shit 30, 40 times a day. 297 00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:02,233 All my buddies will be at my funeral, 298 00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:03,567 Looking at me. 299 00:15:05,967 --> 00:15:08,834 "You know dave shit on himself right after the bullet ? 300 00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:12,433 "I saw it on the news. 301 00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:15,100 Died crying like a bitch." 302 00:15:19,133 --> 00:15:21,867 I'll be dead, I can't defend myself. 303 00:15:21,867 --> 00:15:23,633 That's not a nice thing to do, 304 00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:25,967 That's not a nice thing to do. 305 00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:27,867 I mean, it's a 911 tape. 306 00:15:27,867 --> 00:15:29,500 How do they expect you to sound ? 307 00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,266 Of course, you're gonna be scared. 308 00:15:31,266 --> 00:15:32,667 It's an emergency. 309 00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:35,467 Nobody calls 911 cool and relaxed. 310 00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:37,266 Now, that shit would sound ridiculous. 311 00:15:37,266 --> 00:15:39,033 "Hello, emergency." 312 00:15:39,033 --> 00:15:41,100 "Hi ! 313 00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:43,567 Hey, 911, how are ya ? 314 00:15:44,867 --> 00:15:46,867 "Yeah, ah, look, 315 00:15:46,867 --> 00:15:48,834 "There's a group of hooded white men 316 00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:51,633 "Gathering outside of my house. 317 00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:54,800 And it looks like they mean business." 318 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,066 "Get out here, nigger !" 319 00:15:57,066 --> 00:16:00,200 "I gotta go." 320 00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:05,300 "You guys try and hurry." 321 00:16:11,934 --> 00:16:14,100 It's too much pressure. 322 00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:17,300 That's my problem, I can't handle pressure. 323 00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:20,433 Sometimes pressure makes me talk different. 324 00:16:20,433 --> 00:16:21,667 I'm serious. 325 00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:23,033 You ever have that social pressure, 326 00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:24,500 You ever talk to somebody who's fake, 327 00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:25,767 And they make you fake ? 328 00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,900 They coming to you like, "hey, how you doing ?" 329 00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:29,500 And you're like, "fine, how are you ?" 330 00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:31,433 And you're like... 331 00:16:31,433 --> 00:16:33,834 I don't even talk like that. 332 00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:35,800 I get sick of that shit. 333 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:39,166 I do, it makes me sick. 334 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,400 Sometimes, i'll talk crazy 335 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,900 Just to make myself feel better, 336 00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:42,967 Y'all do that ? 337 00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:44,667 You start talking like crazy. 338 00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:45,500 You ever hear this voice ? 339 00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,467 "Yeah... 340 00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:50,500 THAT'S HOW BAD GUYS USED TO TALK IN THE 40s. 341 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:52,133 In the old days. 342 00:16:52,133 --> 00:16:53,667 See, I talk like that. 343 00:16:53,667 --> 00:16:54,967 Not all the time, but, 344 00:16:54,967 --> 00:16:56,533 If somebody put the pressure on me, 345 00:16:56,533 --> 00:16:58,900 Fuck it, I gotta cut loose. 346 00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,200 When the police pull me over, i'll talk crazy. 347 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,000 "Son, son, 348 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,934 Do you know why we pulled you over ?" 349 00:17:07,934 --> 00:17:11,400 "Yeah, 'cause i'm black, see, yeeaaahhh !" 350 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,367 I'll do it, 351 00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:18,133 It's not illegal to talk like that. 352 00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:21,166 How do they know I don't talk like that every day ? 353 00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:22,400 "Stop talking like that !" 354 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,700 "Stop talking like what, 'copper ?! 355 00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:26,333 "Ha, that's how I talk, see ?!" 356 00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,900 You gotta make life interesting like that, 357 00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,867 'cause this shit is flimsy. 358 00:17:36,867 --> 00:17:38,300 Life is flimsy. 359 00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:39,867 You think you're gonna live forever, 360 00:17:39,867 --> 00:17:41,800 But you're not gonna live forever. 361 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,300 It's dangerous out here, we know what's going on. 362 00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,166 I travel, now, you know. 363 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,133 I used to think d.c. Had the roughest ghettos 364 00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,433 In the country. 365 00:17:49,433 --> 00:17:51,867 No, nigger, uh-uh. 366 00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:54,066 I have seen some shit now. 367 00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:58,533 Oh, there's some rough, rough areas 368 00:17:58,533 --> 00:18:01,066 Outside of d.c. 369 00:18:01,066 --> 00:18:03,300 Everybody should go to the ghetto. 370 00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:04,934 I was taken to the ghetto one time, 371 00:18:04,934 --> 00:18:06,367 And that's the worst. 372 00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:08,333 When you get taken and you're not expecting to go. 373 00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:11,166 Usually, you wanna know when you're going to the ghetto, 374 00:18:11,166 --> 00:18:12,800 Like, i'm gonna see some wild shit, 375 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,867 I gotta prepare myself. 376 00:18:13,867 --> 00:18:15,500 I'm gonna see something crazy. 377 00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,400 When you're taken, it's different. 378 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:20,667 I had a limousine driver, it was after a show, 379 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:21,900 It was late at night, 380 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,300 It was like three in the morning, 381 00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:24,600 I had a limousine driver, 382 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,033 He was a nice guy, talking to me and shit. 383 00:18:26,033 --> 00:18:27,734 "Oh, hey, where you from, dog ? 384 00:18:27,734 --> 00:18:31,200 "D.c., word ? 385 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,467 That's a rough city, man." 386 00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:35,533 And the cell phone started ringing, 387 00:18:35,533 --> 00:18:36,967 "Hold on, one second. 388 00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:38,533 "Hello ? 389 00:18:38,533 --> 00:18:40,734 "Oh, what's up, nigger, what ? 390 00:18:40,734 --> 00:18:43,066 "Slow down, what the fuck ? 391 00:18:43,066 --> 00:18:45,100 "No, no... ! 392 00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:49,000 No, fuck that, nigger, fuck it, i'm on my way !" 393 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:57,800 "Hey... 394 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:02,066 "I gotta make a stop real quick." 395 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,633 I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. 396 00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:07,100 I started looking out the window, 397 00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:08,500 I was like, "what the fuck ?" 398 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,066 "Gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store... 399 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,600 "Where the fuck you taking me ?! 400 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,133 This don't look good." 401 00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:17,000 He didn't say shit. 402 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,934 He just pulled up in front of an old, rickety building 403 00:19:18,934 --> 00:19:21,166 That looked like a project. 404 00:19:21,166 --> 00:19:22,600 Now, i'd never been there before, 405 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,333 I'm not sure if it was a project, but, 406 00:19:24,333 --> 00:19:26,633 It certainly had all the familiar symptoms 407 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,700 Of a project. 408 00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:31,433 A fuckin' crack-head ran this way... 409 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,333 And then another one jumped out of a tree and shit. 410 00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:46,200 The driver said, "i'll be right back." 411 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,633 And left me, 412 00:19:47,633 --> 00:19:49,667 Took the keys with him and just left me. 413 00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:54,767 In front of a project in a fuckin' limousine ! 414 00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:58,100 This was not good. 415 00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:00,100 I was like, "man, I gotta look around 416 00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:01,667 "And see if I can see some landmarks 417 00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,900 "And figure out where i'm at. 418 00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:05,567 I'm gonna have to escape on foot." 419 00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:09,266 Now, this is when I knew I was in a bad neighborhood. 420 00:20:09,266 --> 00:20:11,633 You only see this in the worst neighborhoods. 421 00:20:14,266 --> 00:20:16,633 I look out the window, 422 00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:20,700 There was a fuckin' baby standin' on the corner ! 423 00:20:24,066 --> 00:20:26,000 There was ! 424 00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:31,800 And the baby didn't even look scared, 425 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,700 He was just standing there. 426 00:20:40,967 --> 00:20:43,900 I mean, it made me sad, it made me sad, it really did. 427 00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:45,900 You know, because I wanted to help the baby. 428 00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:50,100 "Hmm, I don't trust you either, sorry !" 429 00:20:53,467 --> 00:20:57,200 The old baby-on-the-corner trick, eh ? 430 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,266 I'm not gonna fall for that shit. 431 00:21:00,266 --> 00:21:04,000 Where's this limousine driver ? 432 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,233 You know, I start feeling bad. 433 00:21:05,233 --> 00:21:08,066 As time goes by, I start feeling worse. 434 00:21:08,066 --> 00:21:09,433 Man, what is wrong with me ? 435 00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:12,166 I'm scared of a baby. 436 00:21:12,166 --> 00:21:13,734 And this baby could be in trouble, 437 00:21:13,734 --> 00:21:15,233 He might need my help. 438 00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:16,967 I gotta do something. 439 00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:19,533 But, I wasn't gonna get out of the car. 440 00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:22,200 I'm serious, man, 441 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,033 I just cracked the window a little bit. 442 00:21:26,867 --> 00:21:29,567 It was an old limousine, I can roll it down. 443 00:21:38,433 --> 00:21:40,600 "Hey, baby ! 444 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,133 "Baby, go home, man. 445 00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:45,633 What the fuck are you doing up ?!" 446 00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:50,400 The baby said, "i'm selling weed, nigger !" 447 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,333 I said, "oh, shit !" 448 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,600 I wasn't expecting that ! 449 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,667 I'm serious, I had to buy two bags from him 450 00:22:04,667 --> 00:22:06,734 To calm my nerves. 451 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,200 I got back in the car and rolled me a joint, man. 452 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,133 That shit was scary, man, 453 00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:15,500 And every once in a while, 454 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:16,834 A crack-head would come up to the car 455 00:22:16,834 --> 00:22:18,000 And look in the window. 456 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,200 It was like "jurassic park" and shit, 457 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,800 He'd be looking in the car... 458 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,300 I said, "get outta here, crackie !" 459 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,567 That baby was still standing there, man. 460 00:22:30,567 --> 00:22:33,133 Then I started feeling bad again. 461 00:22:33,133 --> 00:22:35,400 You know how weed make you feel guilty sometimes ? 462 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,000 "Man, what is wrong with me ? 463 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,967 Man, I have just bought weed from an infant." 464 00:22:39,967 --> 00:22:42,867 I can't condone this kind of behavior. 465 00:22:42,867 --> 00:22:44,100 What am I thinking ? 466 00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:47,367 I can't let the fear ruin my morals. 467 00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:49,667 Gotta do something. 468 00:22:56,700 --> 00:23:00,667 "Hey, baby, stop selling weed, alright ? 469 00:23:00,667 --> 00:23:02,900 You got your whole life ahead of you." 470 00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:05,100 He said, "fuck you, nigger, I got kids to feed !" 471 00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:07,600 I was like, "god-damn !" 472 00:23:12,467 --> 00:23:14,500 Sad ! 473 00:23:16,834 --> 00:23:18,233 And, just at that very moment, 474 00:23:18,233 --> 00:23:20,266 A crack-head was running across the street 475 00:23:20,266 --> 00:23:22,066 And got hit by a car. 476 00:23:22,066 --> 00:23:23,967 Now, I know it was a hit-and-run. 477 00:23:23,967 --> 00:23:25,967 The police did it. 478 00:23:25,967 --> 00:23:27,900 That's alright, 479 00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:30,200 They sprinkled some crack on him and he got back up ! 480 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,500 You know, i'd be seein' that kinda shit, man. 481 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:42,333 They use the tv to program us, 482 00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:44,266 From a young age. 483 00:23:44,266 --> 00:23:46,100 You ever watch like, a cartoon, 484 00:23:46,100 --> 00:23:47,567 That you used to watch when you were little, 485 00:23:47,567 --> 00:23:49,066 As an adult ? 486 00:23:49,066 --> 00:23:50,734 That shit is some wild shit. 487 00:23:50,734 --> 00:23:53,033 I mean, like, I was with my nephew, 488 00:23:53,033 --> 00:23:54,834 We were sitting there, we were watching pepe lepieu, 489 00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:56,667 I said, "now, pay attention to this guy 490 00:23:56,667 --> 00:23:58,367 "'cause he's funny. 491 00:23:58,367 --> 00:24:00,300 I used to watch him when I was little." 492 00:24:00,300 --> 00:24:03,200 And i'm watching pepe lepieu, but, i'm old now. 493 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,767 I'm lookin' at him like, "good, god ! 494 00:24:04,767 --> 00:24:06,633 What kind of fuckin' rapist is this guy ?!" 495 00:24:06,633 --> 00:24:08,533 Like, "take it easy, pepe !!" 496 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,800 My nephew was sitting there, cracking up. 497 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,633 "See, sometimes you gotta take the pussy, like pepe !" 498 00:24:16,633 --> 00:24:19,700 I'm like, "no, no, no, 499 00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:21,633 No !" 500 00:24:21,633 --> 00:24:24,233 I had to turn the channel real quick. 501 00:24:27,533 --> 00:24:29,300 I turned on "sesame street". 502 00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:31,200 I said, "whew ! Sesame street. 503 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:32,633 "This is much better 504 00:24:32,633 --> 00:24:35,100 'cause now he'll learn how to count and spell." 505 00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:36,767 But, now i'm watching it, as an adult, 506 00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:39,867 And I realized "sesame street" teaches kids other things. 507 00:24:39,867 --> 00:24:42,333 It teaches kids how to judge people, 508 00:24:42,333 --> 00:24:44,734 And label people, that's right. 509 00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:47,533 They got a character on there named, oscar. 510 00:24:47,533 --> 00:24:50,233 They treat this guy like shit, 511 00:24:50,233 --> 00:24:52,633 The entire show. 512 00:24:52,633 --> 00:24:55,133 They judge him right in his face. 513 00:24:55,133 --> 00:24:57,166 "Oscar, you are so mean. 514 00:24:57,166 --> 00:24:58,834 Isn't he kids ?" 515 00:24:58,834 --> 00:25:02,834 "Yeah, oscar, you're a grouch !" 516 00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:05,867 He's like, "bitch, I live in a fuckin' trash can ! 517 00:25:09,567 --> 00:25:12,900 "I'm the poorest motherfucker on "sesame street" ! 518 00:25:12,900 --> 00:25:15,400 Nobody's helping me." 519 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,133 Then you wonder why your kids roll up 520 00:25:17,133 --> 00:25:18,533 And step over homeless people. 521 00:25:18,533 --> 00:25:20,266 "Get it together, grouch." 522 00:25:21,834 --> 00:25:23,967 "Get a job, grouch." 523 00:25:25,567 --> 00:25:28,033 So, don't even tell me how to get to "sesame street", 524 00:25:28,033 --> 00:25:29,567 That is a terrible place. 525 00:25:29,567 --> 00:25:31,934 I wouldn't go there if I knew the way. 526 00:25:31,934 --> 00:25:33,934 Who would wanna live in a neighborhood like that ? 527 00:25:33,934 --> 00:25:37,100 Fuckin' six foot pigeons walking around, 528 00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:40,200 And an elephant that's a junkie. 529 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,066 "Hi, bird." 530 00:25:43,066 --> 00:25:45,867 Yeah, that's right, snuffy ! 531 00:25:45,867 --> 00:25:49,767 "Hi, bird, i'm sick, I need some smack, bird !" 532 00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:53,867 The cookie monster, 533 00:25:53,867 --> 00:25:55,533 With his eyes popping out of his head, 534 00:25:55,533 --> 00:25:58,066 Screamin', "cookie, cookie, cookie !" 535 00:25:58,066 --> 00:26:00,233 What kind of cookies are you talking about ?! 536 00:26:00,233 --> 00:26:02,800 Chocolate chips don't do that to people. 537 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,734 And they have the nerve to put a pimp on there. 538 00:26:06,734 --> 00:26:10,433 They didn't come out and say, he's a pimp. 539 00:26:10,433 --> 00:26:12,700 But, I know a pimp when I see one. 540 00:26:12,700 --> 00:26:14,967 They called him, "the count". 541 00:26:16,233 --> 00:26:18,767 He has a cape and everything. 542 00:26:18,767 --> 00:26:20,600 You can just see him pimpin'. 543 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,633 "Bitch, where is my money ? 544 00:26:22,633 --> 00:26:25,100 "You've been late four times, 545 00:26:25,100 --> 00:26:27,100 "I've been counting. 546 00:26:27,100 --> 00:26:31,767 "How many times must I smack you before you act right ? 547 00:26:31,767 --> 00:26:34,033 "One, two ! 548 00:26:34,033 --> 00:26:37,433 Two smacks... !" 549 00:26:50,633 --> 00:26:53,133 That's the thing, there's so much stuff to worry about. 550 00:26:53,133 --> 00:26:54,633 You know, the more you know, 551 00:26:54,633 --> 00:26:56,533 The more you don't know, and shit. 552 00:26:56,533 --> 00:26:58,967 You know, like a lot of people be telling me, 553 00:26:58,967 --> 00:27:00,834 "Dave, you kno you just gotta relax, 554 00:27:00,834 --> 00:27:03,033 The racism thing is buggin' you too much." 555 00:27:03,033 --> 00:27:04,734 I've been thinking about it, sometimes, shit'll happen. 556 00:27:04,734 --> 00:27:06,600 You know a lot of black people can relate to this. 557 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,100 Have you ever had something happen 558 00:27:08,100 --> 00:27:09,300 That was so racist, 559 00:27:09,300 --> 00:27:10,834 That you didn't even get mad ? 560 00:27:10,834 --> 00:27:12,934 You were just like, "godamn, that was racist !" 561 00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:17,900 I mean, it was so blatant, you were just like, "wow !" 562 00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:20,066 Like it didn't even happen to you, 563 00:27:20,066 --> 00:27:21,934 It was like a fucking movie. 564 00:27:21,934 --> 00:27:24,367 Like you was watching "mississippi burning", 565 00:27:24,367 --> 00:27:28,567 "Wow, that happened to me, I was in mississippi." 566 00:27:28,567 --> 00:27:30,333 I was in mississippi, doin' a show, 567 00:27:30,333 --> 00:27:33,100 And I go to a restaurant to order some food, 568 00:27:33,100 --> 00:27:37,000 And, I say to the guy, "i would like to have... " 569 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,433 And before I even finish my sentence, he says, 570 00:27:39,433 --> 00:27:41,567 "The chicken !" 571 00:27:41,567 --> 00:27:43,433 I was like, "what the fuck ?!" 572 00:27:46,100 --> 00:27:48,567 I could not believe it. 573 00:27:48,567 --> 00:27:50,367 Could not believe that shit. 574 00:27:50,367 --> 00:27:53,266 This man was absolutely right. 575 00:27:53,266 --> 00:27:55,467 I said, "how did he know, 576 00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:58,467 That I was gonna get some chicken ?" 577 00:27:58,467 --> 00:28:02,066 I asked him, I said, "how do you know that ? 578 00:28:02,066 --> 00:28:05,233 How'd you know I was gonna get some chicken ?" 579 00:28:05,233 --> 00:28:07,266 He looked at me like I was crazy. 580 00:28:07,266 --> 00:28:09,633 "Come on buddy, come on buddy. 581 00:28:09,633 --> 00:28:12,600 "Now, everybody knew, as soon as you walked through 582 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,300 "The goddamned door, 583 00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:16,667 "You were gonna get some chicken. 584 00:28:16,667 --> 00:28:18,333 "It is no secret down here 585 00:28:18,333 --> 00:28:20,600 "That blacks and chickens 586 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,467 Are quite fond of one another." 587 00:28:27,166 --> 00:28:29,100 Then I finally understood what he was saying, 588 00:28:29,100 --> 00:28:30,734 And I got upset. 589 00:28:30,734 --> 00:28:33,066 I wasn't even mad, I was just upset. 590 00:28:33,066 --> 00:28:35,500 I wasn't ready to hear that shit. 591 00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:38,900 All these years, I thought I liked chicken 592 00:28:38,900 --> 00:28:41,867 'cause it was delicious. 593 00:28:41,867 --> 00:28:46,667 Turns out i'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken ! 594 00:28:46,667 --> 00:28:49,333 Because i'm black. 595 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:54,433 I got no say in the matter. 596 00:28:54,433 --> 00:28:56,100 That guy ruined chicken for me. 597 00:28:56,100 --> 00:28:57,567 Now i'm scared to eat it in public. 598 00:28:57,567 --> 00:29:00,233 I don't want somebody to see me and say... 599 00:29:00,233 --> 00:29:01,867 You know, you'd be eating some chicken... 600 00:29:09,533 --> 00:29:11,767 "Look at him. 601 00:29:11,767 --> 00:29:13,934 "He loves it ! 602 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:19,767 "Just like it said in the encyclopedia. 603 00:29:19,767 --> 00:29:22,133 Look how happy he looks." 604 00:29:29,266 --> 00:29:31,767 Sometimes, this world is too much to deal with. 605 00:29:31,767 --> 00:29:33,567 Like, show business be crazy. 606 00:29:33,567 --> 00:29:35,667 That's where the cultures really collide. 607 00:29:35,667 --> 00:29:38,000 Show business brings a lot of races together. 608 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,166 Sometimes it works, sometimes it don't. 609 00:29:40,166 --> 00:29:41,734 This is one thing that happens that's funny. 610 00:29:41,734 --> 00:29:43,300 You know, sometimes, i'll be on a business call, 611 00:29:43,300 --> 00:29:45,700 Like with a lawyer or something, 612 00:29:45,700 --> 00:29:47,834 And, you know, my lawyers be white, and... 613 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:52,667 We'll be on a call, right ? 614 00:29:52,667 --> 00:29:54,066 And, they'll be like, 615 00:29:54,066 --> 00:29:56,166 "Oh, okay, dave, we're gonna close the deal, 616 00:29:56,166 --> 00:29:57,533 Is that fine with you ?" 617 00:29:57,533 --> 00:29:58,767 I'd be like, "yeah, that's cool for me." 618 00:29:58,767 --> 00:30:00,934 "Great, great, you have a good weekend, dave." 619 00:30:00,934 --> 00:30:02,934 I'd be like, "alright, you too, man, peace." 620 00:30:02,934 --> 00:30:05,433 "Well, alright, bye-bye." 621 00:30:11,867 --> 00:30:14,500 They don't know what to say, right ? 622 00:30:14,500 --> 00:30:17,667 So, sometimes, i'll make up shit 623 00:30:17,667 --> 00:30:19,400 That's not even slang, 624 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,934 Just to see how they handle it and shit. 625 00:30:21,934 --> 00:30:23,333 The same business call, 626 00:30:23,333 --> 00:30:24,567 "Alright, we're gonna close the deal, 627 00:30:24,567 --> 00:30:25,667 Is that fine with you, dave ?" 628 00:30:25,667 --> 00:30:26,700 "Yeah, it sounds good to me." 629 00:30:26,700 --> 00:30:28,667 "Great, you have a good weekend, dave." 630 00:30:28,667 --> 00:30:31,100 "Alright, buddy, zip it up, 631 00:30:31,100 --> 00:30:33,300 And zip it out !" 632 00:30:33,300 --> 00:30:35,734 "Uhh... 633 00:30:35,734 --> 00:30:39,500 Alright, zippity-do-dah, bye-bye !" 634 00:30:49,166 --> 00:30:53,133 Sometimes racism works out in black people's favor. 635 00:30:53,133 --> 00:30:54,900 Yeah, it doesn't happen often. 636 00:30:54,900 --> 00:30:56,333 It happens very rarely. 637 00:30:56,333 --> 00:30:59,867 But, when it happens, it is fuckin' sweet. 638 00:31:04,734 --> 00:31:06,767 I'm serious. 639 00:31:06,767 --> 00:31:09,166 This one time, racism saved my life, man. 640 00:31:09,166 --> 00:31:10,734 I was on a plane... 641 00:31:13,834 --> 00:31:17,333 I was coming from overseas, and, 642 00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:20,367 I don't know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane, 643 00:31:20,367 --> 00:31:22,133 But, he stood up man, he said, 644 00:31:22,133 --> 00:31:23,367 "Everybody, 645 00:31:23,367 --> 00:31:25,266 "Get on the fucking ground ! 646 00:31:25,266 --> 00:31:27,967 Nobody look at my face !" 647 00:31:27,967 --> 00:31:30,467 I started freaking out. 648 00:31:30,467 --> 00:31:32,166 'cause he was chinese, 649 00:31:32,166 --> 00:31:34,567 I was like, why is he talking like that ? 650 00:31:38,300 --> 00:31:40,667 He was screaming and crying. 651 00:31:40,667 --> 00:31:43,000 I was the only brother on the plane. 652 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:44,367 Well, I thought I was the only brother. 653 00:31:44,367 --> 00:31:45,900 I looked over, there was one other black dude. 654 00:31:45,900 --> 00:31:47,333 He was from nigeria. 655 00:31:47,333 --> 00:31:50,200 I looked over and he was lookin' right at my face, man. 656 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:51,433 He didn't say two words to me, 657 00:31:51,433 --> 00:31:53,633 He just looked at me, he was like... 658 00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:59,700 He didn't need to talk, I knew just what he was talking about, 659 00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:01,533 I looked right back at him. 660 00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:07,700 Some white dudes on the front of the plane seen us, 661 00:32:07,700 --> 00:32:09,834 They were like, "huh, oh, my god ! 662 00:32:12,900 --> 00:32:15,900 I think those black guys are gonna try to save us." 663 00:32:19,734 --> 00:32:21,567 "Mm-mmm !" 664 00:32:25,767 --> 00:32:28,033 We were just communicatin' 665 00:32:28,033 --> 00:32:31,166 That we understood the situation. 666 00:32:31,166 --> 00:32:33,300 We were both seeing the same thing. 667 00:32:33,300 --> 00:32:35,266 What we understood was simple. 668 00:32:35,266 --> 00:32:38,233 Terrorists don't take black hostages. 669 00:32:41,467 --> 00:32:43,333 That's the truth. 670 00:32:43,333 --> 00:32:45,533 I have yet to see one of us on the news 671 00:32:45,533 --> 00:32:48,066 Reading the hostage letter. 672 00:32:50,467 --> 00:32:53,166 "They is treating us good. 673 00:32:53,166 --> 00:32:56,533 "Uh, we all chillin' and shit. 674 00:32:56,533 --> 00:32:58,700 "I'd like to give a shout-out 675 00:32:58,700 --> 00:33:00,700 To ray-ray and big steve... " 676 00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,066 You're not gonna see it. 677 00:33:12,066 --> 00:33:13,767 Terrorists are smart. 678 00:33:13,767 --> 00:33:15,700 They know what they're doing there, you know ? 679 00:33:15,700 --> 00:33:17,233 They're terrorists. 680 00:33:17,233 --> 00:33:20,066 They know black peoples are bad bargaining chips. 681 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:25,834 They called the white house, 682 00:33:25,834 --> 00:33:29,133 "Hello, we have got five black... 683 00:33:29,133 --> 00:33:30,834 Hello ?!" 684 00:33:41,567 --> 00:33:43,200 Back in d.c., 685 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:44,633 You know what I was thinking ? 686 00:33:44,633 --> 00:33:46,200 This is an election year, 687 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:47,767 I'm asking you, you're a white guy, 688 00:33:47,767 --> 00:33:49,934 Do you know who you're voting for yet ? 689 00:33:49,934 --> 00:33:51,934 Don't know, do you ? 690 00:33:51,934 --> 00:33:53,200 Now, you see that ? 691 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,066 You see what just happened here ? 692 00:33:55,066 --> 00:33:57,567 Let me tell you something, that is cultural thing. 693 00:33:57,567 --> 00:33:59,967 He knows who he's gonna vote for, 694 00:33:59,967 --> 00:34:01,500 He's just not gonna tell me. 695 00:34:03,533 --> 00:34:05,700 See... 696 00:34:05,700 --> 00:34:10,367 I've noticed that, that is a cultural thing. 697 00:34:10,367 --> 00:34:13,066 White people do not like to talk about 698 00:34:13,066 --> 00:34:14,767 Their political affiliations. 699 00:34:14,767 --> 00:34:16,200 It's a secret. 700 00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:17,400 Did you ever ask a white guy who he's voting for ? 701 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,433 "Hey, bob, who are you gonna vote for ?" 702 00:34:19,433 --> 00:34:22,467 "Dave, dave, whoa, whoa, whoa, 703 00:34:22,467 --> 00:34:26,900 "Take it easy now, take it easy. 704 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:31,467 "So, anyway, I was fucking my wife in her ass, right ? 705 00:34:31,467 --> 00:34:34,767 And, I mean, it was something else." 706 00:34:34,767 --> 00:34:37,800 "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but, who are you voting for ?" 707 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:41,100 "Dave, dave, come on with the voting. 708 00:34:41,100 --> 00:34:42,500 "I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife here, 709 00:34:42,500 --> 00:34:45,066 And you're asking me all these personal questions." 710 00:34:47,767 --> 00:34:50,834 They don't like to divulge that information 711 00:34:50,834 --> 00:34:52,767 'cause it matters to them. 712 00:34:52,767 --> 00:34:54,066 Black people talk about that shit. 713 00:34:54,066 --> 00:34:55,600 Black people will openly talk about politics. 714 00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:57,133 Black people will openly talk about 715 00:34:57,133 --> 00:34:58,900 Beating up politicians and shit. 716 00:34:58,900 --> 00:35:01,266 "If I see george bush, i'll kick his motherfuckin' ass 717 00:35:01,266 --> 00:35:03,867 For cutting my medicaid !" 718 00:35:10,133 --> 00:35:11,967 Well, we just say it. 719 00:35:11,967 --> 00:35:13,300 But, there's a reason for that, 720 00:35:13,300 --> 00:35:15,433 'cause it matters more, it matters more. 721 00:35:15,433 --> 00:35:17,367 See, even when I vote, right ? 722 00:35:17,367 --> 00:35:19,567 Which I don't, but... 723 00:35:19,567 --> 00:35:22,533 But, even when I think about who I would vote for, 724 00:35:22,533 --> 00:35:24,567 Right ? 725 00:35:24,567 --> 00:35:27,233 I don't even look at their political policies. 726 00:35:27,233 --> 00:35:29,667 I just look at their character. 727 00:35:29,667 --> 00:35:32,233 You know what i'm saying now ? 728 00:35:32,233 --> 00:35:37,300 No, i'm serious, you gotta read between the lines. 729 00:35:37,300 --> 00:35:40,333 You look at clinton, and black people like clinton. 730 00:35:40,333 --> 00:35:42,467 I saw one thing on the campaign trail, 731 00:35:42,467 --> 00:35:44,834 He actually just picked a black baby up... 732 00:35:44,834 --> 00:35:46,567 "Come here, you little nigger baby." 733 00:35:46,567 --> 00:35:48,333 And just kissed him. 734 00:35:48,333 --> 00:35:52,367 I said, "um-hmm, I like that." 735 00:35:52,367 --> 00:35:55,600 He did not hesitate or nothing. 736 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,900 You see george bush, he'd be like, "ewww !" 737 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,767 LIKE, SEE, I'D NEVER VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH Jr., 738 00:36:10,767 --> 00:36:13,433 BUT I DON'T KNOW GEORGE BUSH Jr.'s POLITICS. 739 00:36:13,433 --> 00:36:15,333 THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT GEORGE BUSH Jr. IS, 740 00:36:15,333 --> 00:36:18,266 That guy sniffed cocaine, that's right. 741 00:36:18,266 --> 00:36:19,667 Now, listen, 742 00:36:19,667 --> 00:36:21,734 We cannot have that shit in the white house. 743 00:36:21,734 --> 00:36:23,533 That might be fine for a mayor, 744 00:36:23,533 --> 00:36:25,800 But, godammit, not in the white house ! 745 00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:28,333 Not in the white house. 746 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:34,600 You know what i'm saying ? 747 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:40,767 The stakes are too high in the white house. 748 00:36:40,767 --> 00:36:43,600 Can't handle no coke-head president, uh-uh. 749 00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:45,266 He'd be selling nuclear secrets 750 00:36:45,266 --> 00:36:48,000 For $20, $30 and shit. 751 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,667 He'd be in meetings embarrassing america. 752 00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:56,033 "C'mon, sign the treaty, baby. 753 00:36:56,033 --> 00:36:59,133 I'll suck your dick !" 754 00:37:01,934 --> 00:37:03,934 "Mr. President ! 755 00:37:07,133 --> 00:37:09,200 "Mr. President, 756 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:13,266 "That is not how we do business here, sir. 757 00:37:13,266 --> 00:37:16,066 Stop sucking the ambassador's dick." 758 00:37:17,767 --> 00:37:20,000 "No, let him finish. 759 00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:27,467 "I will sign the treaty. 760 00:37:27,467 --> 00:37:31,000 There be peace in israel, finally." 761 00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,667 I'd vote for clinton again, if I could. 762 00:37:40,233 --> 00:37:43,533 Now again, i'm not looking at his politics. 763 00:37:43,533 --> 00:37:45,767 I don't know what his politics are. 764 00:37:45,767 --> 00:37:48,900 I'm just looking at his behavior. 765 00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:53,600 I understand that kind of behavior. 766 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,233 I know a lot of dudes with them shortcomings. 767 00:37:56,233 --> 00:38:00,166 Weed-smoking fornicators, there's a lot of them. 768 00:38:00,166 --> 00:38:02,734 I mean, come on, now, let's be honest, 769 00:38:02,734 --> 00:38:04,166 Let's be honest. 770 00:38:04,166 --> 00:38:06,967 Bill clinton was not the first president 771 00:38:06,967 --> 00:38:08,300 To do what he did. 772 00:38:08,300 --> 00:38:10,066 Now... 773 00:38:10,066 --> 00:38:13,700 Let's think back for a minute. 774 00:38:13,700 --> 00:38:16,533 Remember a guy named kennedy ? 775 00:38:16,533 --> 00:38:18,500 John f. Kennedy ? Remember him ? 776 00:38:18,500 --> 00:38:20,400 He fucked marilyn monroe. 777 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:21,867 As a matter of fact, 778 00:38:21,867 --> 00:38:25,867 Him and his brother, bobby, fucked marilyn monroe ! 779 00:38:25,867 --> 00:38:29,633 And history doesn't talk about that much. 780 00:38:29,633 --> 00:38:31,567 You know why history doesn't talk about that much ? 781 00:38:31,567 --> 00:38:37,667 Because those two pages in history are stuck together ! 782 00:38:37,667 --> 00:38:39,800 They was gettin' it on. 783 00:38:40,900 --> 00:38:42,867 They were gettin' it on. 784 00:38:42,867 --> 00:38:45,166 I seen the tapes, remember the tapes ? 785 00:38:45,166 --> 00:38:46,900 She'd be singing all nasty at his party, 786 00:38:46,900 --> 00:38:48,266 Stressin' him all out... 787 00:38:48,266 --> 00:38:51,633 ♪ happy birthday ♪ 788 00:38:51,633 --> 00:38:55,834 ♪ mr. President... ♪ 789 00:38:55,834 --> 00:38:58,533 "Bitch, my family's here !" 790 00:39:08,867 --> 00:39:11,066 Clinton did the same thing. 791 00:39:11,066 --> 00:39:13,266 But, he didn't do it like that 792 00:39:13,266 --> 00:39:15,066 Because, it's the year 2000, 793 00:39:15,066 --> 00:39:17,166 He's busier than kennedy was. 794 00:39:17,166 --> 00:39:19,266 He's a busy man. 795 00:39:19,266 --> 00:39:20,767 Clinton did that kind of thing 796 00:39:20,767 --> 00:39:22,834 The way busy men do it. 797 00:39:22,834 --> 00:39:24,100 You know what busy men do ? 798 00:39:24,100 --> 00:39:26,867 They fuck who's close to them. 799 00:39:26,867 --> 00:39:28,800 I can tell that's what clinton was up to. 800 00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:30,166 It looked like he just stuck his head 801 00:39:30,166 --> 00:39:32,934 Out the office door and said, "ahh, help ! 802 00:39:34,300 --> 00:39:37,133 "You, you, come here, come here !" 803 00:39:39,767 --> 00:39:43,133 "I need my penis sucked 30, c'mon ! 804 00:39:44,500 --> 00:39:46,433 Oh, boy." 805 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,066 He was probably looking at kennedy's picture and shit... 806 00:39:58,133 --> 00:39:59,967 And then, to top it off, 807 00:39:59,967 --> 00:40:03,300 He lied, which I thought, I thought that was special. 808 00:40:05,233 --> 00:40:08,100 I did man, I know how he did it. 809 00:40:08,100 --> 00:40:10,100 I've been accused of having sex 810 00:40:10,100 --> 00:40:12,500 With a girl I did not have sex with before, 811 00:40:12,500 --> 00:40:13,834 And let me tell you something, 812 00:40:13,834 --> 00:40:16,200 That shit is infuriating. 813 00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,233 You ever go through that ? It'll make you crazy. 814 00:40:18,233 --> 00:40:19,700 You'll be screaming at your best friends, 815 00:40:19,700 --> 00:40:21,100 "I didn't touch that bitch, nigger, i'll kill you ! 816 00:40:21,100 --> 00:40:23,066 "Fuck you, nigger, i'll kill you ! 817 00:40:23,066 --> 00:40:24,867 "Please believe me ! 818 00:40:24,867 --> 00:40:27,500 Please believe me !" 819 00:40:32,767 --> 00:40:35,033 Clinton didn't do it like that, did he ? 820 00:40:35,033 --> 00:40:36,734 Clinton came out of the press conference, 821 00:40:36,734 --> 00:40:39,033 All relaxed, shoulders all relaxed, 822 00:40:39,033 --> 00:40:40,500 In all this trouble. 823 00:40:40,500 --> 00:40:42,533 Looked like he just got done fucking or something. 824 00:40:46,467 --> 00:40:49,867 "Listen, let me tell you something, america. 825 00:40:49,867 --> 00:40:53,800 "I don't think you heard me the first time. 826 00:40:57,233 --> 00:41:02,834 "I did not have sexual relations 827 00:41:02,834 --> 00:41:05,900 "With that woman... 828 00:41:05,900 --> 00:41:07,533 Miss lewinsky." 829 00:41:12,533 --> 00:41:14,433 You know he did it ! 830 00:41:15,900 --> 00:41:17,800 You know he did it ! 831 00:41:23,133 --> 00:41:25,133 Everybody know what that finger smelled like. 832 00:41:25,133 --> 00:41:27,767 Nobody cares, nobody cares. 833 00:41:27,767 --> 00:41:29,967 We all watch. 834 00:41:29,967 --> 00:41:32,300 We was disgusted, but, we kept watching the news. 835 00:41:32,300 --> 00:41:34,266 I know I did, I was taping it. 836 00:41:34,266 --> 00:41:36,667 I was in the crib, I was like, 837 00:41:36,667 --> 00:41:37,734 "Baby, turn the lights off, 838 00:41:37,734 --> 00:41:39,567 The news is coming on." 839 00:41:40,633 --> 00:41:41,934 Every week on "60 minutes", 840 00:41:41,934 --> 00:41:43,700 It was a different girl accusing clinton. 841 00:41:43,700 --> 00:41:45,934 Remember when kathleen willey came out ? 842 00:41:45,934 --> 00:41:48,133 She was upset, "the president 843 00:41:48,133 --> 00:41:51,400 "Called me into his office. 844 00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:54,567 "He began... 845 00:41:54,567 --> 00:41:57,934 "Massaging my breasts slowly... 846 00:41:57,934 --> 00:41:59,700 "I'm sorry. 847 00:42:04,367 --> 00:42:07,100 "And then he placed my hand, 848 00:42:07,100 --> 00:42:09,700 On his genitals." 849 00:42:13,033 --> 00:42:15,266 Ed bradley was shocked, "ohhh !" 850 00:42:17,867 --> 00:42:19,967 "Was he aroused ?" 851 00:42:23,333 --> 00:42:27,100 I was at home, like, "yeah, was he aroused ?" 852 00:42:33,100 --> 00:42:35,333 And then ed bradley looked right in the camera, 853 00:42:35,333 --> 00:42:38,800 He said, "don't bust that nut yet, we'll be right back." 854 00:42:43,233 --> 00:42:47,033 Oh, man, the news had never been so good. 855 00:42:47,033 --> 00:42:50,100 But, there were no victims, there were no victims. 856 00:42:50,100 --> 00:42:53,033 The only one I feel sorry for is lewinsky, 857 00:42:53,033 --> 00:42:54,233 I feel a little sorry for her. 858 00:42:54,233 --> 00:42:55,900 Don't y'all feel a little sorry for her at all ? 859 00:42:55,900 --> 00:42:57,367 No !! 860 00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:59,900 Godamn, y'all come on now. 861 00:42:59,900 --> 00:43:01,200 Have a heart, 862 00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:03,266 That's a hard thing to be famous for, man. 863 00:43:03,266 --> 00:43:05,900 Nobody wants to be the most famous cocksucker 864 00:43:05,900 --> 00:43:07,800 Of all times and shit ! 865 00:43:10,934 --> 00:43:12,367 I feel bad for her. 866 00:43:12,367 --> 00:43:14,867 Not even the women feel sorry for her, ladies ? 867 00:43:14,867 --> 00:43:16,300 No ! 868 00:43:16,300 --> 00:43:17,734 Now that's jealousy. 869 00:43:20,166 --> 00:43:22,333 That's what that is. 870 00:43:22,333 --> 00:43:24,500 I mean, c'mon, that's one dick 871 00:43:24,500 --> 00:43:26,066 That girl sucked that's gonna haunt her 872 00:43:26,066 --> 00:43:28,533 For the rest of her life. 873 00:43:28,533 --> 00:43:30,100 Long after she spent that money up, 874 00:43:30,100 --> 00:43:32,266 That's still gonna haunt her. 875 00:43:32,266 --> 00:43:33,800 I know there's a lot of women in here 876 00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:36,700 With at least one dick they regret. 877 00:43:36,700 --> 00:43:39,700 And I betcha it wasn't the president's dick. 878 00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:41,400 I betcha he worked at kinney shoes 879 00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:43,533 Or safeway or some shit like that ! 880 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:48,333 Don't go judgin' her, don't go judgin' her. 881 00:43:50,133 --> 00:43:52,333 See, we gotta stop judgin' people. 882 00:43:52,333 --> 00:43:54,800 That girl was young, and she made a mistake 883 00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:56,700 That young girls make. 884 00:43:56,700 --> 00:43:59,533 She wanted to fuck a powerful man, period, 885 00:43:59,533 --> 00:44:01,066 That's as far as she thought through. 886 00:44:01,066 --> 00:44:03,166 She wasn't thinking about how powerful the president was. 887 00:44:03,166 --> 00:44:04,667 She had no wisdom. 888 00:44:04,667 --> 00:44:06,333 An older woman would've helped everybody. 889 00:44:06,333 --> 00:44:07,767 An older woman would have been in there, 890 00:44:07,767 --> 00:44:10,066 "You know, you should lower taxes." 891 00:44:17,567 --> 00:44:20,734 An older woman would've sucked us into utopia ! 892 00:44:22,667 --> 00:44:24,967 The last thing i'm gonna say about it is this, 893 00:44:24,967 --> 00:44:27,700 That he is a famous man. 894 00:44:27,700 --> 00:44:29,533 I have dreamt of being famous, but, 895 00:44:29,533 --> 00:44:32,367 I never dreamt of being that famous. 896 00:44:32,367 --> 00:44:34,400 I never understood how famous a president was, 897 00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:36,533 But, imagine if somebody could suck your dick 898 00:44:36,533 --> 00:44:37,834 And then they're famous ! 899 00:44:37,834 --> 00:44:39,333 You understand what i'm saying ? 900 00:44:41,367 --> 00:44:42,567 That's crazy. 901 00:44:44,767 --> 00:44:46,367 That's crazy. 902 00:44:47,533 --> 00:44:49,800 I mean, no guy ever thought of that. 903 00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:51,400 There's nobody with a pick-up line 904 00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,200 That good and shit. 905 00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:54,934 "Hey, suck my dick, there's a future in it." 906 00:44:54,934 --> 00:44:56,333 "What ?" 907 00:44:56,333 --> 00:44:57,467 "Oh, that's it, 908 00:44:57,467 --> 00:44:59,533 "Now get out there and be somebody ! 909 00:44:59,533 --> 00:45:02,133 "Go write a book. 910 00:45:02,133 --> 00:45:05,767 You're a qualified author now, go write a book." 911 00:45:07,433 --> 00:45:09,900 I'm in the wrong business, I should be the president, 912 00:45:09,900 --> 00:45:12,567 Shit, i'm in the wrong business. 913 00:45:12,567 --> 00:45:14,066 See, the only reason I don't want to be president 914 00:45:14,066 --> 00:45:15,333 Is 'cause i'm black. 915 00:45:15,333 --> 00:45:17,166 That would make it too hot for me. 916 00:45:17,166 --> 00:45:20,266 I mean there could be a black president one day, 917 00:45:20,266 --> 00:45:22,800 But, you don't want to be the first one. 918 00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:24,100 I mean, the second or third, that's fine, 919 00:45:24,100 --> 00:45:25,800 But, that first nigger better watch out. 920 00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:27,834 I'm gonna tell you that right now. 921 00:45:27,834 --> 00:45:29,767 Too hot. 922 00:45:29,767 --> 00:45:31,233 I mean, i'd be the first black president, 923 00:45:31,233 --> 00:45:34,233 I don't think that nobody would really, really hurt me. 924 00:45:34,233 --> 00:45:36,133 I'm sure somebody would wanna hurt me, but, 925 00:45:36,133 --> 00:45:37,700 I don't think they'd touch me... 926 00:45:39,133 --> 00:45:43,200 'cause my vice president would be mexican 927 00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:45,000 For a little insurance. 928 00:45:47,433 --> 00:45:49,300 Know what i'm saying ? 929 00:45:49,300 --> 00:45:51,233 You can shoot me if you want, 930 00:45:51,233 --> 00:45:54,133 But, you're just gonna open the border up, so, 931 00:45:54,133 --> 00:45:55,834 You might as well leave me 932 00:45:55,834 --> 00:45:59,100 And vice president santiago to our own devices. 933 00:45:59,100 --> 00:46:01,000 "Ain't that right, santiago ?" 934 00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:03,800 "Sí, Sí ! 935 00:46:07,667 --> 00:46:10,066 Elian can stay !" 936 00:46:12,834 --> 00:46:14,333 Don't worry, don't worry, 937 00:46:14,333 --> 00:46:16,633 I don't got no elian jokes. 938 00:46:16,633 --> 00:46:18,900 All i'll say about elian is thank god he's cuban. 939 00:46:18,900 --> 00:46:20,834 'cause if he was haitian, 940 00:46:20,834 --> 00:46:23,367 You would've never heard about his ass ! 941 00:46:25,133 --> 00:46:27,967 Uh-uh... 942 00:46:27,967 --> 00:46:32,800 If elian gonzalez was elian mamumbo 943 00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:34,967 From haiti, 944 00:46:34,967 --> 00:46:36,533 They woulda pushed that little rubber tube 945 00:46:36,533 --> 00:46:37,700 Right back into the water. 946 00:46:37,700 --> 00:46:39,567 "Sorry, fella, all full. 947 00:46:39,567 --> 00:46:41,400 Good luck." 948 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:47,100 The only thing in our society that bothers me the most, 949 00:46:47,100 --> 00:46:49,000 Is the way that men and women 950 00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:51,033 Don't get along no more. 951 00:46:51,033 --> 00:46:53,333 That's really what's bugging me about it. 952 00:46:53,333 --> 00:46:56,400 Men and women just don't get along. 953 00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:57,867 Like, I hear women say this all the time. 954 00:46:57,867 --> 00:46:59,000 I know a lot of you sisters will be like, 955 00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:00,567 "Chivalry is dead." 956 00:47:00,567 --> 00:47:01,934 Don't ya all feel that way ? 957 00:47:01,934 --> 00:47:04,100 Like men aren't gentlemen anymore ? 958 00:47:04,100 --> 00:47:05,967 That's right, 959 00:47:05,967 --> 00:47:09,533 Chivalry is dead, and women killed it. 960 00:47:18,166 --> 00:47:20,200 There's a fundamental difference 961 00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:22,000 In the way we're gonna see things. 962 00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:23,600 We're not gonna see eye-to-eye on this issue, 963 00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:25,433 We're just not. 964 00:47:25,433 --> 00:47:27,700 Our tests in life are different. 965 00:47:27,700 --> 00:47:31,066 A women's test in life is material. 966 00:47:31,066 --> 00:47:35,200 A man's test in life is a woman. 967 00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:39,066 Now, by tests, I mean that those are the things 968 00:47:39,066 --> 00:47:40,767 That we desire. 969 00:47:40,767 --> 00:47:42,600 Men have nice cars. 970 00:47:42,600 --> 00:47:44,433 Not 'cause they like nice cars, 971 00:47:44,433 --> 00:47:47,300 Because they know women like nice cars. 972 00:47:51,133 --> 00:47:53,667 That's how it goes. 973 00:47:53,667 --> 00:47:58,200 'cause men are hunters and the car's the bait. 974 00:47:58,200 --> 00:48:01,266 And a woman comes out and says, "ooh, nice porsche." 975 00:48:01,266 --> 00:48:03,066 "Gotcha bitch !" 976 00:48:06,834 --> 00:48:09,233 That's how it is. 977 00:48:09,233 --> 00:48:11,600 That's true. 978 00:48:11,600 --> 00:48:13,433 C'mon, now, you go to a woman's house 979 00:48:13,433 --> 00:48:15,567 Her house'll be comfortable as shit. 980 00:48:15,567 --> 00:48:17,300 Women love comfortable surroundings, 981 00:48:17,300 --> 00:48:19,100 So, men get comfortable surroundings. 982 00:48:19,100 --> 00:48:20,633 But, let me tell you something. 983 00:48:20,633 --> 00:48:22,000 If a man could fuck a woman in a cardboard box, 984 00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:24,033 He wouldn't buy a house. 985 00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:30,700 But, that's still not where chivalry got killed. 986 00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:33,934 Chivalry got killed by the feminist movement 987 00:48:33,934 --> 00:48:36,900 On the magazines that got women going crazy. 988 00:48:36,900 --> 00:48:39,633 Because women got too much advice about men 989 00:48:39,633 --> 00:48:41,700 From other women. 990 00:48:41,700 --> 00:48:44,600 And they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. 991 00:48:52,100 --> 00:48:53,900 It's true. 992 00:48:53,900 --> 00:48:55,300 I see this shit in the magazines. 993 00:48:55,300 --> 00:48:58,066 I don't read 'em, but, I be seein' the cover. 994 00:48:58,066 --> 00:48:59,667 I'll be in the grocery store, 995 00:48:59,667 --> 00:49:01,667 Fellas, you looking at magazines, "what is this ?" 996 00:49:01,667 --> 00:49:03,133 And it says on the cover, 997 00:49:03,133 --> 00:49:05,166 "100 ways to please your man", 998 00:49:05,166 --> 00:49:06,567 By some lady. 999 00:49:09,300 --> 00:49:11,700 Get outta here, now, c'mon. 1000 00:49:11,700 --> 00:49:14,300 Ain't no 100 ways, that list is four things long. 1001 00:49:14,300 --> 00:49:15,800 Just, suck his dick, play with his balls, 1002 00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:18,800 Fix him a sandwich, and, don't talk so much ! 1003 00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:21,000 And they're gonna be happy ! 1004 00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:22,800 Yeah. 1005 00:49:29,867 --> 00:49:33,133 And then the magazine's trick the women. 1006 00:49:33,133 --> 00:49:36,400 The magazine's start picking at your self-esteem. 1007 00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:38,033 Every page you turn, 1008 00:49:38,033 --> 00:49:40,500 You start feeling fatter and uglier, 1009 00:49:40,500 --> 00:49:42,633 And you feel like your clothes aren't good enough. 1010 00:49:42,633 --> 00:49:44,767 And the magazines have you forgetting 1011 00:49:44,767 --> 00:49:46,500 How fucking beautiful you are. 1012 00:49:46,500 --> 00:49:47,600 And that's what happens. 1013 00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:48,734 Now, look what happens... 1014 00:49:50,567 --> 00:49:53,400 And then you forget how beautiful you are, 1015 00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:54,700 And we all suffer. 1016 00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,200 If pussy was a stock, 1017 00:49:56,200 --> 00:49:58,066 It would be plummeting right now 1018 00:49:58,066 --> 00:50:00,033 Because you flooded the market with it, 1019 00:50:00,033 --> 00:50:02,400 You're giving it away too easy. 1020 00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:04,900 I'm just being truthful. 1021 00:50:07,166 --> 00:50:09,033 I'm just talking. 1022 00:50:09,033 --> 00:50:11,533 It would plummet. 1023 00:50:11,533 --> 00:50:13,934 You'd be watching the news, 1024 00:50:13,934 --> 00:50:15,400 "Today, pussy plummeted again 1025 00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:17,800 "On the nasdaq. 1026 00:50:20,367 --> 00:50:22,900 Gold is up 10 points." 1027 00:50:24,633 --> 00:50:27,400 You can see it, you ever have this happen ? 1028 00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:28,934 This is how confusing it is. 1029 00:50:28,934 --> 00:50:30,567 This is the practical application 1030 00:50:30,567 --> 00:50:31,800 Of what i'm talkin' about. 1031 00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:34,066 A guy'll be out, this happens to a lot, guys, 1032 00:50:34,066 --> 00:50:35,867 You'll be out at a club, a bar, right ? 1033 00:50:35,867 --> 00:50:37,200 You're just kicking with your boys. 1034 00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:40,166 And a girl walks by, and, man, she looks good. 1035 00:50:40,166 --> 00:50:43,166 Not good in that classical way. 1036 00:50:43,166 --> 00:50:46,066 I'm talking good like, 1037 00:50:46,066 --> 00:50:48,367 She got half her ass hanging out of her skirt, 1038 00:50:48,367 --> 00:50:49,834 Mmmm. 1039 00:50:49,834 --> 00:50:52,200 Her titties are all mashed together. 1040 00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:55,367 Popping out the top of her turtleneck and shit. 1041 00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:05,967 And you're with your buddies, right ? 1042 00:51:05,967 --> 00:51:07,533 You got a couple of drinks in you, 1043 00:51:07,533 --> 00:51:09,433 And you see a girl and you might try to talk to her. 1044 00:51:09,433 --> 00:51:11,233 It just might not come out right. 1045 00:51:11,233 --> 00:51:13,600 "Damn, look at them titties !" 1046 00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:18,700 The girl gets mad at you. 1047 00:51:18,700 --> 00:51:21,433 "Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute ! 1048 00:51:21,433 --> 00:51:25,834 "Just because i'm dressed this way 1049 00:51:25,834 --> 00:51:27,734 "Does not... 1050 00:51:29,934 --> 00:51:32,533 Make me a whore." 1051 00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:36,200 Which is true. 1052 00:51:36,200 --> 00:51:38,033 Gentlemen, that is true. 1053 00:51:38,033 --> 00:51:39,467 Just because they dress a certain way, 1054 00:51:39,467 --> 00:51:40,900 Doesn't mean they are a certain way. 1055 00:51:40,900 --> 00:51:42,333 Don't ever forget it, 1056 00:51:42,333 --> 00:51:44,000 But, ladies, you must understand that 1057 00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:46,600 That is fucking confusing. 1058 00:51:46,600 --> 00:51:48,867 It just is. 1059 00:51:49,734 --> 00:51:52,834 Now, that would be like me, dave chappelle, the comedian, 1060 00:51:52,834 --> 00:51:55,500 Walking around the streets in a cop uniform. 1061 00:51:55,500 --> 00:51:57,467 Somebody might run up on me. 1062 00:51:57,467 --> 00:52:00,166 "Ahh, thank god, officer, help us ! 1063 00:52:00,166 --> 00:52:02,633 C'mon, they're over here, help us !" 1064 00:52:02,633 --> 00:52:07,333 I'd be, "oh, just because i'm dressed this way, 1065 00:52:07,333 --> 00:52:11,667 Does not make me a police officer !" 1066 00:52:15,433 --> 00:52:18,000 Do you understand what i'm saying ? 1067 00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:21,900 I was like, "alright lady, fine, fine ! 1068 00:52:21,900 --> 00:52:24,400 "You are not a whore. 1069 00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:26,834 "But, you are wearing a whore's uniform, 1070 00:52:26,834 --> 00:52:29,066 I'll tell you that shit." 1071 00:52:32,567 --> 00:52:34,700 Misunderstandings can happen. 1072 00:52:34,700 --> 00:52:37,867 And then, men, we misunderstand women a lot. 1073 00:52:37,867 --> 00:52:40,400 We always undermine their feelings. 1074 00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:42,834 You can't do that to them, you can't. 1075 00:52:42,834 --> 00:52:46,400 Because, see, feelings are... 1076 00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:50,467 Feelings are very important to women. 1077 00:52:50,467 --> 00:52:52,200 They are all important to women. 1078 00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:54,233 I'm just learning this shit. 1079 00:52:54,233 --> 00:52:58,200 Everything's based on how they feel. 1080 00:52:58,200 --> 00:53:01,300 You can hear it when they tell stories. 1081 00:53:01,300 --> 00:53:03,300 You hear a man tell a story, 1082 00:53:03,300 --> 00:53:04,633 It'll be just facts. 1083 00:53:04,633 --> 00:53:07,333 Who, what, when, where, why. 1084 00:53:07,333 --> 00:53:08,800 "It was me and bob, we was at safeway. 1085 00:53:08,800 --> 00:53:10,333 "And that nigger bob said this, 1086 00:53:10,333 --> 00:53:12,000 "And I punched that nigger and then I broke out. 1087 00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:14,266 That's the story." 1088 00:53:17,967 --> 00:53:20,200 "That's the story." 1089 00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:22,633 Women would tell the story with all these feelings in it. 1090 00:53:22,633 --> 00:53:24,133 "Well, first of all, you have to understand, 1091 00:53:24,133 --> 00:53:26,300 "I was on my period and I just talked to my mother. 1092 00:53:26,300 --> 00:53:29,467 So, I was feeling like, really bad... " 1093 00:53:29,467 --> 00:53:32,567 "What the fuck happened, get to it !" 1094 00:53:32,567 --> 00:53:34,600 But, they gotta talk about 'em. 1095 00:53:34,600 --> 00:53:37,633 Gotta talk about 'em. 1096 00:53:37,633 --> 00:53:39,333 That's how they always get me. 1097 00:53:39,333 --> 00:53:41,266 I'll be sitting there, watching tv, 1098 00:53:41,266 --> 00:53:42,967 Chillin' and shit. 1099 00:53:42,967 --> 00:53:45,767 My old lady come up to me. 1100 00:53:45,767 --> 00:53:47,600 "David, 1101 00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,700 We need to talk." 1102 00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:53,433 "Fuck !" 1103 00:53:56,633 --> 00:53:59,033 I don't say that out loud. 1104 00:53:59,033 --> 00:54:02,567 That's how I feel inside. 1105 00:54:02,567 --> 00:54:05,467 Because I know every time we need to talk, 1106 00:54:05,467 --> 00:54:09,066 We need to talk about some shit that I gotta do. 1107 00:54:09,066 --> 00:54:10,834 But, we don't ever gotta talk about 1108 00:54:10,834 --> 00:54:12,967 Anything she needs to do. 1109 00:54:21,867 --> 00:54:24,200 She leaves me defenseless ! 1110 00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:26,600 I have to do what I have to do. 1111 00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:28,934 "David, we need to talk." 1112 00:54:28,934 --> 00:54:30,967 "Ahh... " 1113 00:54:32,767 --> 00:54:35,100 "Don't do that to me david, this is serious. 1114 00:54:35,100 --> 00:54:37,000 Stop talking in that voice." 1115 00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:38,200 "Now, see... ! 1116 00:54:40,166 --> 00:54:43,100 "I gotta do this, see !! 1117 00:54:43,100 --> 00:54:45,200 Ahh, see ?!" 1118 00:54:49,433 --> 00:54:52,166 I complain, but, i'm happy i'm with somebody. 1119 00:54:52,166 --> 00:54:55,266 I don't wanna be single, I don't like that. 1120 00:54:55,266 --> 00:54:56,934 Sometimes you go to them single clubs, 1121 00:54:56,934 --> 00:54:57,967 You see too much. 1122 00:54:57,967 --> 00:54:59,467 I was on the road, one club, 1123 00:54:59,467 --> 00:55:01,567 And I seen a thing they call, 1124 00:55:01,567 --> 00:55:04,033 A thong contest. 1125 00:55:04,033 --> 00:55:05,467 Yes !!!! 1126 00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:10,767 Yeah, I seen a thong contest. 1127 00:55:10,767 --> 00:55:12,467 Scandalous ! 1128 00:55:12,467 --> 00:55:14,667 Yeah, that's some scandalous shit, alright. 1129 00:55:14,667 --> 00:55:17,433 I couldn't get over that, man. 1130 00:55:17,433 --> 00:55:20,800 I was dancing with a girl and the dj said, 1131 00:55:20,800 --> 00:55:22,700 "Everybody that wants to be in the thong contest 1132 00:55:22,700 --> 00:55:25,467 Please report to the dj booth." 1133 00:55:25,467 --> 00:55:27,400 The girl's like, "excuse me !" 1134 00:55:29,567 --> 00:55:31,367 They put on that song, 1135 00:55:31,367 --> 00:55:34,133 ♪ let me see some, thong, thong, thong... ♪ 1136 00:55:34,133 --> 00:55:36,700 Them girls was going off ! 1137 00:55:36,700 --> 00:55:38,834 Some of them pulling their pants down, 1138 00:55:38,834 --> 00:55:40,400 Some of them pulling their skirts up, 1139 00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:41,734 All of them shaking their butts. 1140 00:55:41,734 --> 00:55:43,100 Some of them didn't have underwear on, 1141 00:55:43,100 --> 00:55:44,900 They was just fuckin' shaking their butt. 1142 00:55:44,900 --> 00:55:47,233 I mean, I was fuckin' disgusted, 1143 00:55:47,233 --> 00:55:49,166 But I couldn't turn away. 1144 00:55:53,400 --> 00:55:55,934 But, no, please, for the squeamish, 1145 00:55:55,934 --> 00:55:57,166 Just plug your ears. 1146 00:55:57,166 --> 00:55:59,533 One of the girls was getting so into it, 1147 00:55:59,533 --> 00:56:01,100 Now there's no cops around, right ? 1148 00:56:01,100 --> 00:56:02,800 But, she actually, i'm sorry to tell y'all this, 1149 00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:05,333 But, she spreads her butt cheeks open, 1150 00:56:05,333 --> 00:56:08,600 In the middle of a crowded disco, right ? 1151 00:56:08,600 --> 00:56:10,867 I was disgusted 'cause I was like 10 yards away from her, 1152 00:56:10,867 --> 00:56:13,066 I was like, "oh, my god !" 1153 00:56:17,200 --> 00:56:20,200 Is that her birth canal ? 1154 00:56:23,133 --> 00:56:25,133 Oh, it gets worse. 1155 00:56:25,133 --> 00:56:28,100 Good god, almighty, is that, 1156 00:56:28,100 --> 00:56:29,667 Is that a baby ? 1157 00:56:31,767 --> 00:56:34,300 I know that's gross, it's gross, 1158 00:56:34,300 --> 00:56:36,533 'cause, it was a baby. 1159 00:56:37,300 --> 00:56:39,100 It was the same baby from the projects, 1160 00:56:39,100 --> 00:56:41,367 He's like, "i snuck in the club, nigger ! 1161 00:56:41,367 --> 00:56:43,633 "I got that weed if you need me ! 1162 00:56:43,633 --> 00:56:47,934 Just pat her on the ass, and i'll come out !" 1163 00:56:49,200 --> 00:56:52,734 Hey, guys, thank you very much, 1164 00:56:52,734 --> 00:56:54,734 Thank you, all. 1165 00:57:00,166 --> 00:57:02,266 ♪ y'all gonna make me lose my mind ♪ 1166 00:57:02,266 --> 00:57:04,700 ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ 1167 00:57:04,700 --> 00:57:06,934 ♪ y'all gonna make me go all out ♪ 1168 00:57:06,934 --> 00:57:09,333 ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ 1169 00:57:09,333 --> 00:57:11,734 ♪ y'all gonna make me act a fool ♪ 1170 00:57:11,734 --> 00:57:14,000 ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ 1171 00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:16,567 ♪ y'all gonna make me lose my cool ♪ 1172 00:57:16,567 --> 00:57:20,100 ♪ up in here, up in here ♪