1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:19,934 Captions made possible by HOME BOX OFFICE 4 00:00:19,934 --> 00:00:23,533 A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P. 5 00:00:23,533 --> 00:00:26,266 ♪ ♪ 6 00:00:26,266 --> 00:00:28,500 ♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND ♪ 7 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,800 ♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪ 8 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,300 ♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME GO ALL OUT ♪ 9 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,667 ♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪ 10 00:00:35,667 --> 00:00:38,033 ♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME ACT A FOOL ♪ 11 00:00:38,033 --> 00:00:40,333 ♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪ 12 00:00:40,333 --> 00:00:42,834 ♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY COOL ♪ 13 00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:45,100 ♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪ 14 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,900 FROM THE HISTORIC LINCOLN THEATER 15 00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:48,967 IN WASHINGTON, D.C., 16 00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:51,533 DAVE CHAPPELLE ! 17 00:00:51,533 --> 00:00:53,767 ( cheers and applause ) 18 00:01:00,633 --> 00:01:02,433 THANK YOU ! 19 00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:06,567 THANK YOU, THANK YOU ! 20 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,400 OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH. 21 00:01:11,934 --> 00:01:14,300 ALRIGHT... 22 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:17,100 BOY... 23 00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:20,133 Y'ALL MAKE IT GOOD TO COME HOME, BOY, I SWEAR. 24 00:01:20,133 --> 00:01:23,433 I KNOW, MAN, IT'S BEEN A WHILE, IT'S BEEN A WHILE. 25 00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:26,800 D.C.'s DIFFERENT ! 26 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,433 I BEEN GONE, MAN, IT TOOK ME YEARS 27 00:01:30,433 --> 00:01:33,667 TO GET TO DO THIS SHOW, BOY, D.C. HAS CHANGED. 28 00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,266 IT'S DIFFERENT NOW. 29 00:01:35,266 --> 00:01:37,900 ( laughter ) 30 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,967 THERE'S A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE WALKIN' AROUND, ISN'T THERE ? 31 00:01:42,967 --> 00:01:44,700 ( applause ) 32 00:01:50,767 --> 00:01:55,567 I LEFT D.C. IN THE 80s, IT WAS NOT LIKE THIS IN THE 80s. 33 00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:57,700 WHEN CRACK WAS GOING ON, 34 00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:59,133 REMEMBER WHEN CRACK WAS GOING ON ? 35 00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:01,333 THE WHITE PEOPLE'D BE LOOKIN' AT D.C. FROM VIRGINIA 36 00:02:01,333 --> 00:02:03,633 WITH BINOCULARS AND SHIT. 37 00:02:03,633 --> 00:02:07,000 "WELL, THAT LOOKS DANGEROUS. 38 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,300 NOT YET." 39 00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:16,133 NEW WHITE PEOPLE, YOU CAN'T SCARE THESE WHITE PEOPLE. 40 00:02:16,133 --> 00:02:17,900 I TRIED. 41 00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:20,734 ROLLED UP ON 'EM, "BOO !" 42 00:02:20,734 --> 00:02:23,200 "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ?" 43 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,166 ( applause ) 44 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,000 "THOSE DAYS ARE OVER." 45 00:02:30,467 --> 00:02:33,367 I'M GLAD THAT WE'RE DOING A SHOW HERE BY HOWARD, 46 00:02:33,367 --> 00:02:34,900 YOU KNOW, AND YOU SEE WHITE PEOPLE COME BY 47 00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:36,033 AND THAT'S GOOD. 48 00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:37,400 THE ONE THING I'M SEEING, 49 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:38,734 YOU'LL BE WALKING DOWN THE STREET 50 00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:40,367 AND YOU'LL SEE A GROUP OF BLACK DUDES WALKING, 51 00:02:40,367 --> 00:02:43,300 NOT JUST ANY OLD BLACK DUDES, WE'RE TALKING, YOU KNOW, 52 00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,934 "THUGS". 53 00:02:45,934 --> 00:02:49,233 THERE'D BE SOME THUGS, AND IN THE GROUP, 54 00:02:49,233 --> 00:02:52,433 THEY GOT ONE OR TWO, SOMETIMES AS MANY 55 00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:53,900 AS THREE WHITE GUYS WILL BE WITH THEM, 56 00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:55,433 DID YA EVER SEE THAT SHIT ? 57 00:02:55,433 --> 00:02:57,433 WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE WHITE GUYS. 58 00:02:57,433 --> 00:03:01,166 THOSE WHITE GUYS ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS MOTHERFUCKERS 59 00:03:01,166 --> 00:03:03,066 IN THEM GROUPS. 60 00:03:03,066 --> 00:03:04,600 ( applause ) 61 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,600 WELL, IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE, MAN. 62 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,500 AIN'T NO TELLIN' WHAT THEY'VE DONE 63 00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:12,300 TO GET THEM BLACK DUDE'S RESPECT. 64 00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:15,266 BUT, THEM BLACK DUDES HAVE SEEN THEM DO 65 00:03:15,266 --> 00:03:17,467 SOME WILD SHIT, I'LL TELL YOU THAT. 66 00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:18,967 I BEEN TRYING TO TELL BROTHERS THAT. 67 00:03:18,967 --> 00:03:20,667 EVERY GROUP OF BROTHERS SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST 68 00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,400 ONE WHITE GUY IN IT. 69 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,667 I'M SERIOUS, FOR SAFETY. 70 00:03:27,133 --> 00:03:29,133 'CAUSE WHEN THE SHIT GOES DOWN, 71 00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:32,734 SOMEBODY'S GONNA NEED TO TALK TO THE POLICE. 72 00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:35,066 ( laughter ) 73 00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:43,667 THAT'S WHEN THAT WHITE FRIEND COMES IN HANDY. 74 00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:46,700 "UH-OH, ERNIE, WANNA GET THIS ONE ? 75 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:49,633 C'MON NOW, C'MON, DO SOMETHIN'." 76 00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:52,033 SEE, BLACK PEOPLE ARE VERY AFRAID OF THE POLICE. 77 00:03:52,033 --> 00:03:55,000 THAT IS A BIG PART OF OUR CULTURE. 78 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,133 IT DON'T MATTER HOW RICH YOU ARE, 79 00:03:56,133 --> 00:03:58,400 HOW OLD YOU ARE. 80 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,500 WE'RE JUST AFRAID OF 'EM. 81 00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:04,200 WE GOT EVERY REASON TO BE AFRAID OF THEM. 82 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,367 YOU KNOW, LIKE, YOU'RE A WHITE LADY, 83 00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:06,800 YOU EVER BEEN PULLED OVER BEFORE ? 84 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,467 AND WHAT DO THEY SAY ? 85 00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:09,734 LET ME SEE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE 86 00:04:09,734 --> 00:04:11,667 AND YOUR REGISTRATION, RIGHT ? 87 00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:14,133 SEE, SEE, I'M JUST GUESSING. 88 00:04:14,133 --> 00:04:17,233 THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY SAY TO US. 89 00:04:17,233 --> 00:04:20,934 YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAY TO US. 90 00:04:20,934 --> 00:04:23,567 "SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS AND LIFT YOUR SACK." 91 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,767 LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK ? 92 00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:28,133 "EXCUSE ME ?!" 93 00:04:28,133 --> 00:04:29,834 "YOU HEARD ME, SPREAD OPEN YOUR CHEEKS 94 00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:32,033 AND LIFT YOUR SACK." 95 00:04:32,033 --> 00:04:34,233 I GOT A DRIVER'S LICENSE, TOO. 96 00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:37,000 IT'S ONE OF THE EASIER WAYS TO PROVE WHO I AM. 97 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,000 WHAT DOES THAT PROVE ? 98 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,400 I CAN'T GO TO THE BANK LIKE THAT. 99 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,233 CASH MY CHECK. 100 00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:44,533 "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY I.D. ?" 101 00:04:44,533 --> 00:04:46,000 "WAIT A MINUTE." 102 00:04:47,467 --> 00:04:48,867 ( applause ) 103 00:04:48,867 --> 00:04:52,266 "OH, OH, I'M SORRY MR. CHAPPELLE, 104 00:04:52,266 --> 00:04:54,133 "RIGHT THIS WAY. 105 00:04:54,133 --> 00:04:57,734 WHY DIDN'T YOU SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS IN THE BEGINNING ?" 106 00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:00,900 SCARED OF 'EM. 107 00:05:02,967 --> 00:05:05,166 I'M SERIOUS, MAN. 108 00:05:05,166 --> 00:05:06,266 YOU EVER BEEN AT A RED LIGHT, 109 00:05:06,266 --> 00:05:07,633 THE POLICE MIGHT PULL UP NEXT TO YOU ? 110 00:05:07,633 --> 00:05:09,133 IT WON'T BE NO BIG DEAL FOR YOU, 111 00:05:09,133 --> 00:05:10,734 BUT, I FUCKIN' FALL APART. 112 00:05:10,734 --> 00:05:12,633 "OH, OH, MAN. 113 00:05:12,633 --> 00:05:15,934 NO, DON'T LOOK OVER THERE, NO, NO." 114 00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:22,800 BUT, I DIDN'T ALWAYS KNOW THERE WAS A BLACK THING, 115 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,800 IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO FIGURE THAT OUT. 116 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,100 I LEARNED THAT SHIT IN NEW YORK, 117 00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:29,033 I WAS IN NEW YORK CITY. 118 00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:31,567 ( applause ) 119 00:05:31,567 --> 00:05:33,734 I WAS HANGING OUT WITH A FRIEND OF MINE. 120 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,967 HE'S A WHITE GUY, YOU KNOW, WE WERE JUST HANGING OUT, 121 00:05:35,967 --> 00:05:37,734 AND WE WERE LOST IN THE CITY, 122 00:05:37,734 --> 00:05:39,467 YOU KNOW, WE WERE SMOKING A JOINT. 123 00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:41,166 NOW I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A COINCIDENCE 124 00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:43,033 THAT WE WERE LOST AND HIGH, AND SHIT, 125 00:05:43,033 --> 00:05:47,600 BUT, MY WHITE BUDDY, HE WAS SMOKING A JOINT. 126 00:05:49,367 --> 00:05:51,433 "DAVE, DAVE ! 127 00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:53,467 IT'S THE GODAMN COPS." 128 00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:55,133 ( laughter ) 129 00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:06,900 "I'M GONNA ASK 'EM FOR DIRECTIONS." 130 00:06:09,166 --> 00:06:12,767 I SAID, "CHIP, NO ! CHIP, DON'T DO IT ! 131 00:06:12,767 --> 00:06:14,633 IT WAS TOO LATE. 132 00:06:14,633 --> 00:06:18,000 HE WAS WALKING OVER THERE, THIS MAN WAS HIGH AS SHIT. 133 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,867 "EXCUSE ME. 134 00:06:19,867 --> 00:06:21,533 EXCUSE ME, SIR." 135 00:06:21,533 --> 00:06:24,467 TOUCHING HIM AND SHIT, "EXCUSE ME. 136 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:27,000 I NEED SOME INFORMATION." 137 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,900 HE STARTS CONFESSING THINGS HE SHOULDN'T CONFESS. 138 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,600 "I'M A LITTLE HIGH... 139 00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:38,333 ALL I WANNA KNOW, WHICH WAY IS THIRD STREET ?" 140 00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:40,667 THE COP WAS LIKE, "HEY, TAKE IT EASY. 141 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:44,166 "YOU'RE ON THIRD STREET. 142 00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:48,333 "YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL, GO AHEAD, MOVE IT. 143 00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:50,800 MOVE IT." 144 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,266 THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENED. 145 00:06:54,266 --> 00:06:56,600 THAT'S THE END OF THE STORY. 146 00:06:56,600 --> 00:07:00,633 NOW, I KNOW THAT'S NOT AMAZING TO SOME OF YOU, 147 00:07:00,633 --> 00:07:02,533 BUT, YOU ASK ONE OF THESE BLACK FELLAS, 148 00:07:02,533 --> 00:07:05,500 THAT SHIT IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT ? 149 00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,266 A BLACK MAN WOULD NEVER DREAM 150 00:07:07,266 --> 00:07:09,900 OF TALKING TO THE POLICE HIGH. 151 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,500 THAT'S A WASTE OF WEED. 152 00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:14,000 ( laughter and applause ) 153 00:07:17,633 --> 00:07:19,600 I'M SERIOUS. 154 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,200 I'D BE SCARED OF TALKING TO THE POLICE 155 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,200 WHEN I'M SLEEPY ! 156 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,800 FUCK AROUND, GET THE WRONG IDEAS. 157 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,600 "OH !" 158 00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,500 "OH, MY GOD ! 159 00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:35,200 "THAT NIGGER WAS ON PCP, JOHNSON ! 160 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,533 "I HAD TO USE NECESSARY FORCE. 161 00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:40,000 "YOU SAW HIM ! 162 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,333 "NO, NO, NO, NO PAPERWORK. 163 00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:44,266 "JUST SPRINKLE SOME CRACK ON HIM, 164 00:07:44,266 --> 00:07:46,667 LET'S GET OUT OF HERE." 165 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:49,767 THAT'S HOW IT IS, BUT, AT THE TIME, 166 00:07:49,767 --> 00:07:51,667 I DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING RACIAL ABOUT IT. 167 00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:53,700 I WAS LIKE, "MAN, CHIP, YOU GOT FUCKIN' LUCKY, 168 00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,266 YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL." 169 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,500 BUT, THEN ANOTHER TIME, ME AND CHIP WERE DRIVING. 170 00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:01,433 NOW, I'M NOT DRIVING, CHIP IS DRIVING, 171 00:08:01,433 --> 00:08:03,600 AND HE'S DRIVING A LITTLE CRAZY. 172 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,500 HE'S BEEN DRINKING. 173 00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:10,166 NOW, I DON'T LIKE TO LET MY FRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK, 174 00:08:10,166 --> 00:08:12,266 BUT, YOU KNOW, I WAS SMOKING A JOINT, 175 00:08:12,266 --> 00:08:14,200 I COULDN'T REALLY SAY SHIT TO THE GUY ! 176 00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:20,367 BUT, WE GET TO A RED LIGHT, 177 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,867 WE STOP AT A RED LIGHT, 178 00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:23,266 AND A CAR PULLS UP NEXT TO US, 179 00:08:23,266 --> 00:08:24,600 AND, I'LL NEVER FORGET IT. 180 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,333 CHIP, HE LOOKS AT ME AND HE'S ALL DRUNK, 181 00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:28,066 AND HE'S LIKE, "DAVE, 182 00:08:28,066 --> 00:08:30,300 I'M GONNA RACE 'EM." 183 00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,800 I KNEW IT WAS A BAD IDEA. 184 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,533 BUT, I WAS HIGH. 185 00:08:40,533 --> 00:08:42,767 I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM IT WAS A BAD IDEA, 186 00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:44,567 BUT, ALL THAT CAME OUT WAS, 187 00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:47,033 "WELL, NIGGER, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA RACE, I DON'T KNOW." 188 00:08:47,033 --> 00:08:48,900 ( wild applause ) 189 00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:57,433 MAN, THAT LIGHT TURNED GREEN AND CHIP TOOK OFF ! 190 00:08:57,433 --> 00:08:59,200 ZIG ZAGGIN' AND SHIT, SO, NO ONE COULD PASS, 191 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,166 THE OTHER CAR DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE WAS RACIN' ! 192 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,900 THEN THE POLICE SEEN US AND PULLED US OVER. 193 00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,533 NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND, I'M SCARED AS SHIT. 194 00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:11,266 I MEAN, COME ON, THE CAR SMELLS LIKE WEED, 195 00:09:11,266 --> 00:09:14,700 WE'VE BEEN SPEEDING, THIS MAN IS FUCKING DRUNK ! 196 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:17,300 I'M SCARED. 197 00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:20,100 CHIP WAS NOT SCARED AT ALL. 198 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:22,100 IT WAS WEIRD, HE DIDN'T EVEN TURN HIS RADIO DOWN, 199 00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:23,834 ISN'T THAT WEIRD ? 200 00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:25,300 I MEAN, IF YOU GET PULLED OVER, 201 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,300 WOULDN'T YOU TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN ? 202 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,700 NOBODY WANNA GET THEIR ASS BEAT 203 00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:30,734 TO A SOUNDTRACK AND SHIT. 204 00:09:30,734 --> 00:09:32,333 ( laughter ) 205 00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:33,767 KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ? 206 00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:36,066 CHIP HAD THE MUSIC BLASTING... 207 00:09:36,066 --> 00:09:38,233 ♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ♪ 208 00:09:44,867 --> 00:09:47,467 HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "DAVE, JUST RELAX. 209 00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:49,967 "CLOSE YOUR BUTT CHEEKS, RELAX ! 210 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,700 LET ME DO THE TALKING." 211 00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,367 WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SAID ? 212 00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:01,200 THIS IS ALMOST EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID. 213 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,333 I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT, HE SAYS, "OH, OH... 214 00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:08,066 "SORRY, OFFICER, I... 215 00:10:09,834 --> 00:10:12,367 I DIDN'T KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT." 216 00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:16,667 I WAS FUCKING SHOCKED ! 217 00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:19,400 THE COP SAID, "WELL, NOW YOU KNOW. 218 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,633 GET OUTTA HERE, JUST GET THE FUCK YOU OUTTA HERE." 219 00:10:25,734 --> 00:10:28,533 CHIP SAID, "OKAY, I WILL, SIR, THANK YOU. 220 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,233 "WHAT ? 221 00:10:32,233 --> 00:10:34,934 WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, DAVE ?" 222 00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:39,633 "I DIDN'T KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT." 223 00:10:39,633 --> 00:10:41,533 HE SAID, "THAT WAS GOOD, WASN'T IT ?! 224 00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:45,633 BECAUSE I DID KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT !" 225 00:10:45,633 --> 00:10:48,300 ( laughing ) 226 00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:51,066 ( audience howling ) 227 00:10:56,967 --> 00:10:59,033 I WAS SHOCKED. 228 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,567 I WASN'T SHOCKED AT THE AUDACITY, 229 00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:03,066 I WAS JUST SHOCKED BECAUSE I WOULD'VE 230 00:11:03,066 --> 00:11:05,433 NEVER THOUGHT TO SAY THAT. 231 00:11:05,433 --> 00:11:07,400 I DON'T THINK ANY BLACK DUDE WOULD THINK TO SAY THAT. 232 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,800 BECAUSE THEY KNOW WE KNOW THE LAW. 233 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,667 EVERY BLACK DUDE IN THIS ROOM 234 00:11:12,667 --> 00:11:14,667 IS A QUALIFIED PARALEGAL AND SHIT, 235 00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:16,900 HE KNOWS THE LAW. 236 00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:19,533 IF ONE OF US EVEN START TO DO SOMETHING WRONG, 237 00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:21,467 THE OLD BLACK MAN WOULD POP OUTTA NOWHERE, 238 00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:23,834 "NIGGER, DON'T DO THAT, THAT'S 5-TO-10 ! 239 00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:27,367 WATCH OUT !" 240 00:11:29,834 --> 00:11:33,000 BUT, WE KNOW THE LAWS AND THE PENALTIES. 241 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,100 NOW, CHIP DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE COULDN'T RACE. 242 00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,166 I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T LIKE POLICE, 243 00:11:37,166 --> 00:11:38,500 I'M NOT SAYING THAT. 244 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,333 I'M SAYING I'M JUST SCARED OF 'EM. 245 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,867 THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. 246 00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:44,400 SOMETIMES, WE WANNA CALL 'EM TOO. 247 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,533 SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY HOUSE ONCE, 248 00:11:46,533 --> 00:11:48,700 THAT'S A GOOD TIME TO CALL 'EM, BUT, NO, 249 00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,767 UH-UH, UH-UH. 250 00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,967 THE HOUSE WAS TOO NICE. 251 00:11:52,967 --> 00:11:54,367 IT AIN'T A REAL NICE HOUSE, 252 00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:56,967 BUT, THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE I LIVED IN IT. 253 00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:58,400 THEY'D BE LIKE, "HE'S STILL HERE ! 254 00:12:00,166 --> 00:12:02,066 "OH, MY GOD ! 255 00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:09,166 "OPEN AND SHUT CASE, JOHNSON ! 256 00:12:09,166 --> 00:12:11,934 "I SAW THIS ONCE BEFORE WHEN I WAS A ROOKIE. 257 00:12:11,934 --> 00:12:14,600 "APPARENTLY, THIS NIGGER BROKE IN 258 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,433 "AND HUNG UP PICTURES OF HIS FAMILY EVERYWHERE. 259 00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:23,533 "WELL, LET'S SPRINKLE SOME CRACK ON HIM 260 00:12:23,533 --> 00:12:25,266 AND GET OUTTA HERE !" 261 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,467 AH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE WHOLE BRUTALITY THING. 262 00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:33,066 SEE, THAT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE NOW. 263 00:12:33,066 --> 00:12:34,467 THERE WAS A TIME WHEN ONLY MINORITIES 264 00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:35,967 REALLY KNEW ABOUT THAT. 265 00:12:35,967 --> 00:12:37,600 I'M NOT GONNA SAY WHITE PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE US, 266 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,300 BUT, YOU WERE A LITTLE SKEPTICAL. 267 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,033 AND, I MEAN, I DON'T BLAME YOU, 268 00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:43,200 AND THEN NEWSWEEK PRINTED IT AND YOU KNEW IT WAS TRUE. 269 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:47,367 IN NEWSWEEK, WHITE PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. 270 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,867 "HONEY, DID YOU SEE THIS ? 271 00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:52,033 "APPARENTLY THE POLICE HAVE BEEN BEATING UP NEGROES 272 00:12:52,033 --> 00:12:54,600 "LIKE HOTCAKES ! 273 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,033 IT'S IN THE MAY ISSUE." 274 00:13:00,133 --> 00:13:02,066 I MEAN, REALLY, HOW COULD YOU KNOW, THOUGH ? 275 00:13:02,066 --> 00:13:03,734 HOW COULD ANYONE ELSE KNOW ? 276 00:13:03,734 --> 00:13:05,967 I MEAN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN SOMETHING 277 00:13:05,967 --> 00:13:07,600 A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS. 278 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,200 DIDN'T YOU THINK IT WAS LIKE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS, 279 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,533 JUST A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS ? 280 00:13:10,533 --> 00:13:12,600 EVERY DEAD BLACK PERSON THE POLICE FIND 281 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,567 HAS CRACK SPRINKLED ALL OVER THEM ? 282 00:13:17,266 --> 00:13:18,834 C'MON, MAN. 283 00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:20,800 WHO GETS SHOT AND SPRINKLES CRACK ON THEMSELVES ? 284 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,100 NOBODY WOULD DO THAT. 285 00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:22,900 BAM ! 286 00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:24,800 "OH, OH... " 287 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,867 ( laughter and applause ) 288 00:13:29,867 --> 00:13:32,734 "I DON'T WANNA LEAVE NO MYSTERIES." 289 00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:39,767 I'M A PARANOID GUY, YOU KNOW, SO, 290 00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:43,333 I'D BE SCARED TO CALL 911 FOR ANYTHING. 291 00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:45,367 EVEN IF IT'S LIKE A FIRE OR ANYTHING. 292 00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:47,367 'CAUSE THEY TAPE THOSE PHONE CALLS. 293 00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:49,533 I SEE THE SHOWS, THEY TAPE 'EM, 294 00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:51,166 AND THEN THEY PLAY 'EM ON TELEVISION. 295 00:13:51,166 --> 00:13:52,867 THAT'S FUCKED UP. 296 00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:55,066 NOW, I'LL SAY ANYTHING IF I'M SCARED, 297 00:13:55,066 --> 00:13:57,567 THAT SHIT IS PRIVATE, YOU KNOW ? 298 00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:59,500 WHAT IF I GET KILLED ? 299 00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:01,834 THEY START PLAYING THAT 911 TAPE ON THE NEWS, 300 00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:04,400 I'M DEAD, I CAN'T EXPLAIN MYSELF TO MY BUDDIES AND SHIT. 301 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,266 THEY'D BE WATCHING THE NEWS, 302 00:14:06,266 --> 00:14:08,700 "WE HAVE REG CHAPMAN ON THE SCENE, REG ? 303 00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:12,333 WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE ?" 304 00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:14,433 IT'S ALWAYS TAKES THE GUY ON THE SCENE A MINUTE. 305 00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:18,400 "HI, BOB ! 306 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,433 "HI, YES, WE JUST GOT HOLD OF A COPY 307 00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:24,133 "OF DAVE CHAPPELLE'S FRANTIC, 308 00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:26,533 911 EMERGENCY CALL. 309 00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:33,667 "REMEMBER VIEWERS, SOME OF THIS LANGUAGE IS DISTURBING." 310 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,400 "HELLO, EMERGENCY." 311 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,233 "HELP ! 312 00:14:42,233 --> 00:14:45,333 HELP, MOTHERFUCKER, THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME !" 313 00:14:45,333 --> 00:14:48,500 "JUST CALM DOWN, SIR, WHERE ARE YOU ?" 314 00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,867 "OH, OH, I SHIT ON MYSELF ! 315 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,834 I CAN'T STOP CRYING." 316 00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:59,767 THEY'LL PLAY THAT SHIT 30, 40 TIMES A DAY. 317 00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:02,233 ALL MY BUDDIES WILL BE AT MY FUNERAL, 318 00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:03,567 LOOKING AT ME. 319 00:15:05,967 --> 00:15:08,834 "YOU KNOW DAVE SHIT ON HIMSELF RIGHT AFTER THE BULLET ? 320 00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:12,433 "I SAW IT ON THE NEWS. 321 00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:15,100 DIED CRYING LIKE A BITCH." 322 00:15:19,133 --> 00:15:21,867 I'LL BE DEAD, I CAN'T DEFEND MYSELF. 323 00:15:21,867 --> 00:15:23,633 THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO DO, 324 00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:25,967 THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO DO. 325 00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:27,867 I MEAN, IT'S A 911 TAPE. 326 00:15:27,867 --> 00:15:29,500 HOW DO THEY EXPECT YOU TO SOUND ? 327 00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,266 OF COURSE, YOU'RE GONNA BE SCARED. 328 00:15:31,266 --> 00:15:32,667 IT'S AN EMERGENCY. 329 00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:35,467 NOBODY CALLS 911 COOL AND RELAXED. 330 00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:37,266 NOW, THAT SHIT WOULD SOUND RIDICULOUS. 331 00:15:37,266 --> 00:15:39,033 "HELLO, EMERGENCY." 332 00:15:39,033 --> 00:15:41,100 "HI ! 333 00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:43,567 HEY, 911, HOW ARE YA ? 334 00:15:44,867 --> 00:15:46,867 "YEAH, AH, LOOK, 335 00:15:46,867 --> 00:15:48,834 "THERE'S A GROUP OF HOODED WHITE MEN 336 00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:51,633 "GATHERING OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE. 337 00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:54,800 AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY MEAN BUSINESS." 338 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,066 "GET OUT HERE, NIGGER !" 339 00:15:57,066 --> 00:16:00,200 "I GOTTA GO." 340 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,567 ( applause ) 341 00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:05,300 "YOU GUYS TRY AND HURRY." 342 00:16:11,934 --> 00:16:14,100 IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE. 343 00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:17,300 THAT'S MY PROBLEM, I CAN'T HANDLE PRESSURE. 344 00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:20,433 SOMETIMES PRESSURE MAKES ME TALK DIFFERENT. 345 00:16:20,433 --> 00:16:21,667 I'M SERIOUS. 346 00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:23,033 YOU EVER HAVE THAT SOCIAL PRESSURE, 347 00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:24,500 YOU EVER TALK TO SOMEBODY WHO'S FAKE, 348 00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:25,767 AND THEY MAKE YOU FAKE ? 349 00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,900 THEY COMING TO YOU LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING ?" 350 00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:29,500 AND YOU'RE LIKE, "FINE, HOW ARE YOU ?" 351 00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:31,433 AND YOU'RE LIKE... 352 00:16:31,433 --> 00:16:33,834 I DON'T EVEN TALK LIKE THAT. 353 00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:35,800 I GET SICK OF THAT SHIT. 354 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:39,166 I DO, IT MAKES ME SICK. 355 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,400 SOMETIMES, I'LL TALK CRAZY 356 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,900 JUST TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER, 357 00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:42,967 Y'ALL DO THAT ? 358 00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:44,667 YOU START TALKING LIKE CRAZY. 359 00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:45,500 YOU EVER HEAR THIS VOICE ? 360 00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,467 ( Cagney voice ) "YEAH... 361 00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:50,500 THAT'S HOW BAD GUYS USED TO TALK IN THE 40s. 362 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:52,133 IN THE OLD DAYS. 363 00:16:52,133 --> 00:16:53,667 SEE, I TALK LIKE THAT. 364 00:16:53,667 --> 00:16:54,967 NOT ALL THE TIME, BUT, 365 00:16:54,967 --> 00:16:56,533 IF SOMEBODY PUT THE PRESSURE ON ME, 366 00:16:56,533 --> 00:16:58,900 FUCK IT, I GOTTA CUT LOOSE. 367 00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,200 WHEN THE POLICE PULL ME OVER, I'LL TALK CRAZY. 368 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,000 "SON, SON, 369 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,934 DO YOU KNOW WHY WE PULLED YOU OVER ?" 370 00:17:07,934 --> 00:17:11,400 ( Cagney voice ) "YEAH, 'CAUSE I'M BLACK, SEE, YEEAAAHHH !" 371 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,500 ( applause ) 372 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,367 I'LL DO IT, 373 00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:18,133 IT'S NOT ILLEGAL TO TALK LIKE THAT. 374 00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:21,166 HOW DO THEY KNOW I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT EVERY DAY ? 375 00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:22,400 "STOP TALKING LIKE THAT !" 376 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,700 "STOP TALKING LIKE WHAT, 'COPPER ?! 377 00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:26,333 "HA, THAT'S HOW I TALK, SEE ?!" 378 00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,900 YOU GOTTA MAKE LIFE INTERESTING LIKE THAT, 379 00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,867 'CAUSE THIS SHIT IS FLIMSY. 380 00:17:36,867 --> 00:17:38,300 LIFE IS FLIMSY. 381 00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:39,867 YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER, 382 00:17:39,867 --> 00:17:41,800 BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER. 383 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,300 IT'S DANGEROUS OUT HERE, WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. 384 00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,166 I TRAVEL, NOW, YOU KNOW. 385 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,133 I USED TO THINK D.C. HAD THE ROUGHEST GHETTOS 386 00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,433 IN THE COUNTRY. 387 00:17:49,433 --> 00:17:51,867 NO, NIGGER, UH-UH. 388 00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:54,066 I HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT NOW. 389 00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:58,533 OH, THERE'S SOME ROUGH, ROUGH AREAS 390 00:17:58,533 --> 00:18:01,066 OUTSIDE OF D.C. 391 00:18:01,066 --> 00:18:03,300 EVERYBODY SHOULD GO TO THE GHETTO. 392 00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:04,934 I WAS TAKEN TO THE GHETTO ONE TIME, 393 00:18:04,934 --> 00:18:06,367 AND THAT'S THE WORST. 394 00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:08,333 WHEN YOU GET TAKEN AND YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING TO GO. 395 00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:11,166 USUALLY, YOU WANNA KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO THE GHETTO, 396 00:18:11,166 --> 00:18:12,800 LIKE, I'M GONNA SEE SOME WILD SHIT, 397 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,867 I GOTTA PREPARE MYSELF. 398 00:18:13,867 --> 00:18:15,500 I'M GONNA SEE SOMETHING CRAZY. 399 00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,400 WHEN YOU'RE TAKEN, IT'S DIFFERENT. 400 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:20,667 I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER, IT WAS AFTER A SHOW, 401 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:21,900 IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT, 402 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,300 IT WAS LIKE THREE IN THE MORNING, 403 00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:24,600 I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER, 404 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,033 HE WAS A NICE GUY, TALKING TO ME AND SHIT. 405 00:18:26,033 --> 00:18:27,734 "OH, HEY, WHERE YOU FROM, DOG ? 406 00:18:27,734 --> 00:18:31,200 "D.C., WORD ? 407 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,467 THAT'S A ROUGH CITY, MAN." 408 00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:35,533 AND THE CELL PHONE STARTED RINGING, 409 00:18:35,533 --> 00:18:36,967 "HOLD ON, ONE SECOND. 410 00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:38,533 "HELLO ? 411 00:18:38,533 --> 00:18:40,734 "OH, WHAT'S UP, NIGGER, WHAT ? 412 00:18:40,734 --> 00:18:43,066 "SLOW DOWN, WHAT THE FUCK ? 413 00:18:43,066 --> 00:18:45,100 "NO, NO... ! 414 00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:49,000 NO, FUCK THAT, NIGGER, FUCK IT, I'M ON MY WAY !" 415 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,100 ( wild applause ) 416 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:57,800 "HEY... 417 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:02,066 "I GOTTA MAKE A STOP REAL QUICK." 418 00:19:02,066 --> 00:19:03,800 AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING, 419 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,633 I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS TAKING ME TO THE GHETTO AT FIRST. 420 00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:07,100 I STARTED LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW, 421 00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:08,500 I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ?" 422 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,066 "GUN STORE, GUN STORE, LIQUOR STORE, GUN STORE... 423 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,600 "WHERE THE FUCK YOU TAKING ME ?! 424 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,133 THIS DON'T LOOK GOOD." 425 00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:17,000 HE DIDN'T SAY SHIT. 426 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,934 HE JUST PULLED UP IN FRONT OF AN OLD, RICKETY BUILDING 427 00:19:18,934 --> 00:19:21,166 THAT LOOKED LIKE A PROJECT. 428 00:19:21,166 --> 00:19:22,600 NOW, I'D NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE, 429 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,333 I'M NOT SURE IF IT WAS A PROJECT, BUT, 430 00:19:24,333 --> 00:19:26,633 IT CERTAINLY HAD ALL THE FAMILIAR SYMPTOMS 431 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,700 OF A PROJECT. 432 00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:31,433 A FUCKIN' CRACK-HEAD RAN THIS WAY... 433 00:19:31,433 --> 00:19:33,467 ( laughter ) 434 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,333 AND THEN ANOTHER ONE JUMPED OUT OF A TREE AND SHIT. 435 00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:46,200 THE DRIVER SAID, "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." 436 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,633 AND LEFT ME, 437 00:19:47,633 --> 00:19:49,667 TOOK THE KEYS WITH HIM AND JUST LEFT ME. 438 00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:51,667 AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING, 439 00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:54,767 IN FRONT OF A PROJECT IN A FUCKIN' LIMOUSINE ! 440 00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:58,100 THIS WAS NOT GOOD. 441 00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:00,100 I WAS LIKE, "MAN, I GOTTA LOOK AROUND 442 00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:01,667 "AND SEE IF I CAN SEE SOME LANDMARKS 443 00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,900 "AND FIGURE OUT WHERE I'M AT. 444 00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:05,567 I'M GONNA HAVE TO ESCAPE ON FOOT." 445 00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:09,266 NOW, THIS IS WHEN I KNEW I WAS IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD. 446 00:20:09,266 --> 00:20:11,633 YOU ONLY SEE THIS IN THE WORST NEIGHBORHOODS. 447 00:20:11,633 --> 00:20:14,266 REMEMBER, IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING. 448 00:20:14,266 --> 00:20:16,633 I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW, 449 00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:20,700 THERE WAS A FUCKIN' BABY STANDIN' ON THE CORNER ! 450 00:20:24,066 --> 00:20:26,000 THERE WAS ! 451 00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:31,800 AND THE BABY DIDN'T EVEN LOOK SCARED, 452 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,700 HE WAS JUST STANDING THERE. 453 00:20:40,967 --> 00:20:43,900 I MEAN, IT MADE ME SAD, IT MADE ME SAD, IT REALLY DID. 454 00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:45,900 YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP THE BABY. 455 00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:50,100 "HMM, I DON'T TRUST YOU EITHER, SORRY !" 456 00:20:53,467 --> 00:20:57,200 THE OLD BABY-ON-THE-CORNER TRICK, EH ? 457 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,266 I'M NOT GONNA FALL FOR THAT SHIT. 458 00:21:00,266 --> 00:21:04,000 WHERE'S THIS LIMOUSINE DRIVER ? 459 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,233 YOU KNOW, I START FEELING BAD. 460 00:21:05,233 --> 00:21:08,066 AS TIME GOES BY, I START FEELING WORSE. 461 00:21:08,066 --> 00:21:09,433 MAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ? 462 00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:12,166 I'M SCARED OF A BABY. 463 00:21:12,166 --> 00:21:13,734 AND THIS BABY COULD BE IN TROUBLE, 464 00:21:13,734 --> 00:21:15,233 HE MIGHT NEED MY HELP. 465 00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:16,967 I GOTTA DO SOMETHING. 466 00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:19,533 BUT, I WASN'T GONNA GET OUT OF THE CAR. 467 00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:22,200 I'M SERIOUS, MAN, 468 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,033 I JUST CRACKED THE WINDOW A LITTLE BIT. 469 00:21:26,867 --> 00:21:29,567 IT WAS AN OLD LIMOUSINE, I CAN ROLL IT DOWN. 470 00:21:38,433 --> 00:21:40,600 "HEY, BABY ! 471 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,133 "BABY, GO HOME, MAN. 472 00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:43,500 "IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING. 473 00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:45,633 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP ?!" 474 00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:50,400 THE BABY SAID, "I'M SELLING WEED, NIGGER !" 475 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,333 I SAID, "OH, SHIT !" 476 00:21:52,333 --> 00:21:54,734 ( loud applause and laughter ) 477 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,600 I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT ! 478 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,667 I'M SERIOUS, I HAD TO BUY TWO BAGS FROM HIM 479 00:22:04,667 --> 00:22:06,734 TO CALM MY NERVES. 480 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,200 I GOT BACK IN THE CAR AND ROLLED ME A JOINT, MAN. 481 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,133 THAT SHIT WAS SCARY, MAN, 482 00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:15,500 AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, 483 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:16,834 A CRACK-HEAD WOULD COME UP TO THE CAR 484 00:22:16,834 --> 00:22:18,000 AND LOOK IN THE WINDOW. 485 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,200 IT WAS LIKE "JURASSIC PARK" AND SHIT, 486 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,800 HE'D BE LOOKING IN THE CAR... 487 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,300 I SAID, "GET OUTTA HERE, CRACKIE !" 488 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,567 THAT BABY WAS STILL STANDING THERE, MAN. 489 00:22:30,567 --> 00:22:33,133 THEN I STARTED FEELING BAD AGAIN. 490 00:22:33,133 --> 00:22:35,400 YOU KNOW HOW WEED MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY SOMETIMES ? 491 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,000 "MAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ? 492 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,967 MAN, I HAVE JUST BOUGHT WEED FROM AN INFANT." 493 00:22:39,967 --> 00:22:42,867 I CAN'T CONDONE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR. 494 00:22:42,867 --> 00:22:44,100 WHAT AM I THINKING ? 495 00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:47,367 I CAN'T LET THE FEAR RUIN MY MORALS. 496 00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:49,667 GOTTA DO SOMETHING. 497 00:22:56,700 --> 00:23:00,667 "HEY, BABY, STOP SELLING WEED, ALRIGHT ? 498 00:23:00,667 --> 00:23:02,900 YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU." 499 00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:05,100 HE SAID, "FUCK YOU, NIGGER, I GOT KIDS TO FEED !" 500 00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:07,600 I WAS LIKE, "GOD-DAMN !" 501 00:23:12,467 --> 00:23:14,500 SAD ! 502 00:23:16,834 --> 00:23:18,233 AND, JUST AT THAT VERY MOMENT, 503 00:23:18,233 --> 00:23:20,266 A CRACK-HEAD WAS RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET 504 00:23:20,266 --> 00:23:22,066 AND GOT HIT BY A CAR. 505 00:23:22,066 --> 00:23:23,967 NOW, I KNOW IT WAS A HIT-AND-RUN. 506 00:23:23,967 --> 00:23:25,967 THE POLICE DID IT. 507 00:23:25,967 --> 00:23:27,900 THAT'S ALRIGHT, 508 00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:30,200 THEY SPRINKLED SOME CRACK ON HIM AND HE GOT BACK UP ! 509 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,567 ( applause ) 510 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,500 YOU KNOW, I'D BE SEEIN' THAT KINDA SHIT, MAN. 511 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:42,333 THEY USE THE TV TO PROGRAM US, 512 00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:44,266 FROM A YOUNG AGE. 513 00:23:44,266 --> 00:23:46,100 YOU EVER WATCH LIKE, A CARTOON, 514 00:23:46,100 --> 00:23:47,567 THAT YOU USED TO WATCH WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, 515 00:23:47,567 --> 00:23:49,066 AS AN ADULT ? 516 00:23:49,066 --> 00:23:50,734 THAT SHIT IS SOME WILD SHIT. 517 00:23:50,734 --> 00:23:53,033 I MEAN, LIKE, I WAS WITH MY NEPHEW, 518 00:23:53,033 --> 00:23:54,834 WE WERE SITTING THERE, WE WERE WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU, 519 00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:56,667 I SAID, "NOW, PAY ATTENTION TO THIS GUY 520 00:23:56,667 --> 00:23:58,367 "'CAUSE HE'S FUNNY. 521 00:23:58,367 --> 00:24:00,300 I USED TO WATCH HIM WHEN I WAS LITTLE." 522 00:24:00,300 --> 00:24:03,200 AND I'M WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU, BUT, I'M OLD NOW. 523 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,767 I'M LOOKIN' AT HIM LIKE, "GOOD, GOD ! 524 00:24:04,767 --> 00:24:06,633 WHAT KIND OF FUCKIN' RAPIST IS THIS GUY ?!" 525 00:24:06,633 --> 00:24:08,533 LIKE, "TAKE IT EASY, PEPE !!" 526 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,800 MY NEPHEW WAS SITTING THERE, CRACKING UP. 527 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,400 ( laughter ) 528 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,633 "SEE, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA TAKE THE PUSSY, LIKE PEPE !" 529 00:24:16,633 --> 00:24:19,700 I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, NO, 530 00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:21,633 NO !" 531 00:24:21,633 --> 00:24:24,233 I HAD TO TURN THE CHANNEL REAL QUICK. 532 00:24:27,533 --> 00:24:29,300 I TURNED ON "SESAME STREET". 533 00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:31,200 I SAID, "WHEW ! SESAME STREET. 534 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:32,633 "THIS IS MUCH BETTER 535 00:24:32,633 --> 00:24:35,100 'CAUSE NOW HE'LL LEARN HOW TO COUNT AND SPELL." 536 00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:36,767 BUT, NOW I'M WATCHING IT, AS AN ADULT, 537 00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:39,867 AND I REALIZED "SESAME STREET" TEACHES KIDS OTHER THINGS. 538 00:24:39,867 --> 00:24:42,333 IT TEACHES KIDS HOW TO JUDGE PEOPLE, 539 00:24:42,333 --> 00:24:44,734 AND LABEL PEOPLE, THAT'S RIGHT. 540 00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:47,533 THEY GOT A CHARACTER ON THERE NAMED, OSCAR. 541 00:24:47,533 --> 00:24:50,233 THEY TREAT THIS GUY LIKE SHIT, 542 00:24:50,233 --> 00:24:52,633 THE ENTIRE SHOW. 543 00:24:52,633 --> 00:24:55,133 THEY JUDGE HIM RIGHT IN HIS FACE. 544 00:24:55,133 --> 00:24:57,166 "OSCAR, YOU ARE SO MEAN. 545 00:24:57,166 --> 00:24:58,834 ISN'T HE KIDS ?" 546 00:24:58,834 --> 00:25:02,834 "YEAH, OSCAR, YOU'RE A GROUCH !" 547 00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:05,867 HE'S LIKE, "BITCH, I LIVE IN A FUCKIN' TRASH CAN ! 548 00:25:09,567 --> 00:25:12,900 "I'M THE POOREST MOTHERFUCKER ON "SESAME STREET" ! 549 00:25:12,900 --> 00:25:15,400 NOBODY'S HELPING ME." 550 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,133 THEN YOU WONDER WHY YOUR KIDS ROLL UP 551 00:25:17,133 --> 00:25:18,533 AND STEP OVER HOMELESS PEOPLE. 552 00:25:18,533 --> 00:25:20,266 "GET IT TOGETHER, GROUCH." 553 00:25:21,834 --> 00:25:23,967 "GET A JOB, GROUCH." 554 00:25:25,567 --> 00:25:28,033 SO, DON'T EVEN TELL ME HOW TO GET TO "SESAME STREET", 555 00:25:28,033 --> 00:25:29,567 THAT IS A TERRIBLE PLACE. 556 00:25:29,567 --> 00:25:31,934 I WOULDN'T GO THERE IF I KNEW THE WAY. 557 00:25:31,934 --> 00:25:33,934 WHO WOULD WANNA LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE THAT ? 558 00:25:33,934 --> 00:25:37,100 FUCKIN' SIX FOOT PIGEONS WALKING AROUND, 559 00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:40,200 AND AN ELEPHANT THAT'S A JUNKIE. 560 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,066 "HI, BIRD." 561 00:25:43,066 --> 00:25:45,867 YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, SNUFFY ! 562 00:25:45,867 --> 00:25:49,767 "HI, BIRD, I'M SICK, I NEED SOME SMACK, BIRD !" 563 00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:53,867 THE COOKIE MONSTER, 564 00:25:53,867 --> 00:25:55,533 WITH HIS EYES POPPING OUT OF HIS HEAD, 565 00:25:55,533 --> 00:25:58,066 SCREAMIN', "COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE !" 566 00:25:58,066 --> 00:26:00,233 WHAT KIND OF COOKIES ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?! 567 00:26:00,233 --> 00:26:02,800 CHOCOLATE CHIPS DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE. 568 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,734 AND THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO PUT A PIMP ON THERE. 569 00:26:06,734 --> 00:26:10,433 THEY DIDN'T COME OUT AND SAY, HE'S A PIMP. 570 00:26:10,433 --> 00:26:12,700 BUT, I KNOW A PIMP WHEN I SEE ONE. 571 00:26:12,700 --> 00:26:14,967 THEY CALLED HIM, "THE COUNT". 572 00:26:16,233 --> 00:26:18,767 HE HAS A CAPE AND EVERYTHING. 573 00:26:18,767 --> 00:26:20,600 YOU CAN JUST SEE HIM PIMPIN'. 574 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,633 "BITCH, WHERE IS MY MONEY ? 575 00:26:22,633 --> 00:26:25,100 "YOU'VE BEEN LATE FOUR TIMES, 576 00:26:25,100 --> 00:26:27,100 "I'VE BEEN COUNTING. 577 00:26:27,100 --> 00:26:31,767 "HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SMACK YOU BEFORE YOU ACT RIGHT ? 578 00:26:31,767 --> 00:26:34,033 "ONE, TWO ! 579 00:26:34,033 --> 00:26:37,433 TWO SMACKS... !" 580 00:26:37,433 --> 00:26:40,066 ( wild applause and laughter ) 581 00:26:50,633 --> 00:26:53,133 THAT'S THE THING, THERE'S SO MUCH STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT. 582 00:26:53,133 --> 00:26:54,633 YOU KNOW, THE MORE YOU KNOW, 583 00:26:54,633 --> 00:26:56,533 THE MORE YOU DON'T KNOW, AND SHIT. 584 00:26:56,533 --> 00:26:58,967 YOU KNOW, LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE BE TELLING ME, 585 00:26:58,967 --> 00:27:00,834 "DAVE, YOU KNO YOU JUST GOTTA RELAX, 586 00:27:00,834 --> 00:27:03,033 THE RACISM THING IS BUGGIN' YOU TOO MUCH." 587 00:27:03,033 --> 00:27:04,734 I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT, SOMETIMES, SHIT'LL HAPPEN. 588 00:27:04,734 --> 00:27:06,600 YOU KNOW A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE CAN RELATE TO THIS. 589 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,100 HAVE YOU EVER HAD SOMETHING HAPPEN 590 00:27:08,100 --> 00:27:09,300 THAT WAS SO RACIST, 591 00:27:09,300 --> 00:27:10,834 THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET MAD ? 592 00:27:10,834 --> 00:27:12,934 YOU WERE JUST LIKE, "GODAMN, THAT WAS RACIST !" 593 00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:17,900 I MEAN, IT WAS SO BLATANT, YOU WERE JUST LIKE, "WOW !" 594 00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:20,066 LIKE IT DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN TO YOU, 595 00:27:20,066 --> 00:27:21,934 IT WAS LIKE A FUCKING MOVIE. 596 00:27:21,934 --> 00:27:24,367 LIKE YOU WAS WATCHING "MISSISSIPPI BURNING", 597 00:27:24,367 --> 00:27:28,567 "WOW, THAT HAPPENED TO ME, I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI." 598 00:27:28,567 --> 00:27:30,333 I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI, DOIN' A SHOW, 599 00:27:30,333 --> 00:27:33,100 AND I GO TO A RESTAURANT TO ORDER SOME FOOD, 600 00:27:33,100 --> 00:27:37,000 AND, I SAY TO THE GUY, "I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE... " 601 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,433 AND BEFORE I EVEN FINISH MY SENTENCE, HE SAYS, 602 00:27:39,433 --> 00:27:41,567 "THE CHICKEN !" 603 00:27:41,567 --> 00:27:43,433 I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ?!" 604 00:27:46,100 --> 00:27:48,567 I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. 605 00:27:48,567 --> 00:27:50,367 COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT SHIT. 606 00:27:50,367 --> 00:27:53,266 THIS MAN WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. 607 00:27:53,266 --> 00:27:55,467 I SAID, "HOW DID HE KNOW, 608 00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:58,467 THAT I WAS GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN ?" 609 00:27:58,467 --> 00:28:02,066 I ASKED HIM, I SAID, "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT ? 610 00:28:02,066 --> 00:28:05,233 HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN ?" 611 00:28:05,233 --> 00:28:07,266 HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY. 612 00:28:07,266 --> 00:28:09,633 "COME ON BUDDY, COME ON BUDDY. 613 00:28:09,633 --> 00:28:12,600 "NOW, EVERYBODY KNEW, AS SOON AS YOU WALKED THROUGH 614 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,300 "THE GODDAMNED DOOR, 615 00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:16,667 "YOU WERE GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN. 616 00:28:16,667 --> 00:28:18,333 "IT IS NO SECRET DOWN HERE 617 00:28:18,333 --> 00:28:20,600 "THAT BLACKS AND CHICKENS 618 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,467 ARE QUITE FOND OF ONE ANOTHER." 619 00:28:27,166 --> 00:28:29,100 THEN I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD WHAT HE WAS SAYING, 620 00:28:29,100 --> 00:28:30,734 AND I GOT UPSET. 621 00:28:30,734 --> 00:28:33,066 I WASN'T EVEN MAD, I WAS JUST UPSET. 622 00:28:33,066 --> 00:28:35,500 I WASN'T READY TO HEAR THAT SHIT. 623 00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:38,900 ALL THESE YEARS, I THOUGHT I LIKED CHICKEN 624 00:28:38,900 --> 00:28:41,867 'CAUSE IT WAS DELICIOUS. 625 00:28:41,867 --> 00:28:46,667 TURNS OUT I'M GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED TO LIKING CHICKEN ! 626 00:28:46,667 --> 00:28:49,333 BECAUSE I'M BLACK. 627 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:54,433 I GOT NO SAY IN THE MATTER. 628 00:28:54,433 --> 00:28:56,100 THAT GUY RUINED CHICKEN FOR ME. 629 00:28:56,100 --> 00:28:57,567 NOW I'M SCARED TO EAT IT IN PUBLIC. 630 00:28:57,567 --> 00:29:00,233 I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY TO SEE ME AND SAY... 631 00:29:00,233 --> 00:29:01,867 YOU KNOW, YOU'D BE EATING SOME CHICKEN... 632 00:29:09,533 --> 00:29:11,767 "LOOK AT HIM. 633 00:29:11,767 --> 00:29:13,934 "HE LOVES IT ! 634 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:19,767 "JUST LIKE IT SAID IN THE ENCYCLOPEDIA. 635 00:29:19,767 --> 00:29:22,133 LOOK HOW HAPPY HE LOOKS." 636 00:29:29,266 --> 00:29:31,767 SOMETIMES, THIS WORLD IS TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH. 637 00:29:31,767 --> 00:29:33,567 LIKE, SHOW BUSINESS BE CRAZY. 638 00:29:33,567 --> 00:29:35,667 THAT'S WHERE THE CULTURES REALLY COLLIDE. 639 00:29:35,667 --> 00:29:38,000 SHOW BUSINESS BRINGS A LOT OF RACES TOGETHER. 640 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,166 SOMETIMES IT WORKS, SOMETIMES IT DON'T. 641 00:29:40,166 --> 00:29:41,734 THIS IS ONE THING THAT HAPPENS THAT'S FUNNY. 642 00:29:41,734 --> 00:29:43,300 YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES, I'LL BE ON A BUSINESS CALL, 643 00:29:43,300 --> 00:29:45,700 LIKE WITH A LAWYER OR SOMETHING, 644 00:29:45,700 --> 00:29:47,834 AND, YOU KNOW, MY LAWYERS BE WHITE, AND... 645 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:52,667 WE'LL BE ON A CALL, RIGHT ? 646 00:29:52,667 --> 00:29:54,066 AND, THEY'LL BE LIKE, 647 00:29:54,066 --> 00:29:56,166 "OH, OKAY, DAVE, WE'RE GONNA CLOSE THE DEAL, 648 00:29:56,166 --> 00:29:57,533 IS THAT FINE WITH YOU ?" 649 00:29:57,533 --> 00:29:58,767 I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S COOL FOR ME." 650 00:29:58,767 --> 00:30:00,934 "GREAT, GREAT, YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND, DAVE." 651 00:30:00,934 --> 00:30:02,934 I'D BE LIKE, "ALRIGHT, YOU TOO, MAN, PEACE." 652 00:30:02,934 --> 00:30:05,433 "WELL, ALRIGHT, BYE-BYE." 653 00:30:05,433 --> 00:30:07,133 ( laughter ) 654 00:30:11,867 --> 00:30:14,500 THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, RIGHT ? 655 00:30:14,500 --> 00:30:17,667 SO, SOMETIMES, I'LL MAKE UP SHIT 656 00:30:17,667 --> 00:30:19,400 THAT'S NOT EVEN SLANG, 657 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,934 JUST TO SEE HOW THEY HANDLE IT AND SHIT. 658 00:30:21,934 --> 00:30:23,333 THE SAME BUSINESS CALL, 659 00:30:23,333 --> 00:30:24,567 "ALRIGHT, WE'RE GONNA CLOSE THE DEAL, 660 00:30:24,567 --> 00:30:25,667 IS THAT FINE WITH YOU, DAVE ?" 661 00:30:25,667 --> 00:30:26,700 "YEAH, IT SOUNDS GOOD TO ME." 662 00:30:26,700 --> 00:30:28,667 "GREAT, YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND, DAVE." 663 00:30:28,667 --> 00:30:31,100 "ALRIGHT, BUDDY, ZIP IT UP, 664 00:30:31,100 --> 00:30:33,300 AND ZIP IT OUT !" 665 00:30:33,300 --> 00:30:35,734 "UHH... 666 00:30:35,734 --> 00:30:39,500 ALRIGHT, ZIPPITY-DO-DAH, BYE-BYE !" 667 00:30:49,166 --> 00:30:53,133 SOMETIMES RACISM WORKS OUT IN BLACK PEOPLE'S FAVOR. 668 00:30:53,133 --> 00:30:54,900 YEAH, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN. 669 00:30:54,900 --> 00:30:56,333 IT HAPPENS VERY RARELY. 670 00:30:56,333 --> 00:30:59,867 BUT, WHEN IT HAPPENS, IT IS FUCKIN' SWEET. 671 00:31:04,734 --> 00:31:06,767 I'M SERIOUS. 672 00:31:06,767 --> 00:31:09,166 THIS ONE TIME, RACISM SAVED MY LIFE, MAN. 673 00:31:09,166 --> 00:31:10,734 I WAS ON A PLANE... 674 00:31:13,834 --> 00:31:17,333 I WAS COMING FROM OVERSEAS, AND, 675 00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:20,367 I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GUY GOT A MACHINE GUN ON THE PLANE, 676 00:31:20,367 --> 00:31:22,133 BUT, HE STOOD UP MAN, HE SAID, 677 00:31:22,133 --> 00:31:23,367 ( Pakistani accent ) "EVERYBODY, 678 00:31:23,367 --> 00:31:25,266 "GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND ! 679 00:31:25,266 --> 00:31:27,967 NOBODY LOOK AT MY FACE !" 680 00:31:27,967 --> 00:31:30,467 I STARTED FREAKING OUT. 681 00:31:30,467 --> 00:31:32,166 'CAUSE HE WAS CHINESE, 682 00:31:32,166 --> 00:31:34,567 I WAS LIKE, WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE THAT ? 683 00:31:38,300 --> 00:31:40,667 HE WAS SCREAMING AND CRYING. 684 00:31:40,667 --> 00:31:43,000 I WAS THE ONLY BROTHER ON THE PLANE. 685 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:44,367 WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY BROTHER. 686 00:31:44,367 --> 00:31:45,900 I LOOKED OVER, THERE WAS ONE OTHER BLACK DUDE. 687 00:31:45,900 --> 00:31:47,333 HE WAS FROM NIGERIA. 688 00:31:47,333 --> 00:31:50,200 I LOOKED OVER AND HE WAS LOOKIN' RIGHT AT MY FACE, MAN. 689 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:51,433 HE DIDN'T SAY TWO WORDS TO ME, 690 00:31:51,433 --> 00:31:53,633 HE JUST LOOKED AT ME, HE WAS LIKE... 691 00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:59,700 HE DIDN'T NEED TO TALK, I KNEW JUST WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT, 692 00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:01,533 I LOOKED RIGHT BACK AT HIM. 693 00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:07,700 SOME WHITE DUDES ON THE FRONT OF THE PLANE SEEN US, 694 00:32:07,700 --> 00:32:09,834 THEY WERE LIKE, "HUH, OH, MY GOD ! 695 00:32:12,900 --> 00:32:15,900 ( whispering ) I THINK THOSE BLACK GUYS ARE GONNA TRY TO SAVE US." 696 00:32:19,734 --> 00:32:21,567 "MM-MMM !" 697 00:32:21,567 --> 00:32:23,667 ( applause ) 698 00:32:25,767 --> 00:32:28,033 WE WERE JUST COMMUNICATIN' 699 00:32:28,033 --> 00:32:31,166 THAT WE UNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION. 700 00:32:31,166 --> 00:32:33,300 WE WERE BOTH SEEING THE SAME THING. 701 00:32:33,300 --> 00:32:35,266 WHAT WE UNDERSTOOD WAS SIMPLE. 702 00:32:35,266 --> 00:32:38,233 TERRORISTS DON'T TAKE BLACK HOSTAGES. 703 00:32:41,467 --> 00:32:43,333 THAT'S THE TRUTH. 704 00:32:43,333 --> 00:32:45,533 I HAVE YET TO SEE ONE OF US ON THE NEWS 705 00:32:45,533 --> 00:32:48,066 READING THE HOSTAGE LETTER. 706 00:32:50,467 --> 00:32:53,166 "THEY IS TREATING US GOOD. 707 00:32:53,166 --> 00:32:56,533 "UH, WE ALL CHILLIN' AND SHIT. 708 00:32:56,533 --> 00:32:58,700 "I'D LIKE TO GIVE A SHOUT-OUT 709 00:32:58,700 --> 00:33:00,700 TO RAY-RAY AND BIG STEVE... " 710 00:33:00,700 --> 00:33:02,967 ( wild applause ) 711 00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,066 YOU'RE NOT GONNA SEE IT. 712 00:33:12,066 --> 00:33:13,767 TERRORISTS ARE SMART. 713 00:33:13,767 --> 00:33:15,700 THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING THERE, YOU KNOW ? 714 00:33:15,700 --> 00:33:17,233 THEY'RE TERRORISTS. 715 00:33:17,233 --> 00:33:20,066 THEY KNOW BLACK PEOPLES ARE BAD BARGAINING CHIPS. 716 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:25,834 THEY CALLED THE WHITE HOUSE, 717 00:33:25,834 --> 00:33:29,133 "HELLO, WE HAVE GOT FIVE BLACK... 718 00:33:29,133 --> 00:33:30,834 HELLO ?!" 719 00:33:41,567 --> 00:33:43,200 BACK IN D.C., 720 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:44,633 YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING ? 721 00:33:44,633 --> 00:33:46,200 THIS IS AN ELECTION YEAR, 722 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:47,767 I'M ASKING YOU, YOU'RE A WHITE GUY, 723 00:33:47,767 --> 00:33:49,934 DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE VOTING FOR YET ? 724 00:33:49,934 --> 00:33:51,934 DON'T KNOW, DO YOU ? 725 00:33:51,934 --> 00:33:53,200 NOW, YOU SEE THAT ? 726 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,066 YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE ? 727 00:33:55,066 --> 00:33:57,567 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THAT IS CULTURAL THING. 728 00:33:57,567 --> 00:33:59,967 HE KNOWS WHO HE'S GONNA VOTE FOR, 729 00:33:59,967 --> 00:34:01,500 HE'S JUST NOT GONNA TELL ME. 730 00:34:03,533 --> 00:34:05,700 SEE... 731 00:34:05,700 --> 00:34:10,367 I'VE NOTICED THAT, THAT IS A CULTURAL THING. 732 00:34:10,367 --> 00:34:13,066 WHITE PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT 733 00:34:13,066 --> 00:34:14,767 THEIR POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS. 734 00:34:14,767 --> 00:34:16,200 IT'S A SECRET. 735 00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:17,400 DID YOU EVER ASK A WHITE GUY WHO HE'S VOTING FOR ? 736 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,433 "HEY, BOB, WHO ARE YOU GONNA VOTE FOR ?" 737 00:34:19,433 --> 00:34:22,467 "DAVE, DAVE, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, 738 00:34:22,467 --> 00:34:26,900 "TAKE IT EASY NOW, TAKE IT EASY. 739 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:31,467 "SO, ANYWAY, I WAS FUCKING MY WIFE IN HER ASS, RIGHT ? 740 00:34:31,467 --> 00:34:34,767 AND, I MEAN, IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE." 741 00:34:34,767 --> 00:34:37,800 "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT, WHO ARE YOU VOTING FOR ?" 742 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:41,100 "DAVE, DAVE, COME ON WITH THE VOTING. 743 00:34:41,100 --> 00:34:42,500 "I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT FUCKING MY WIFE HERE, 744 00:34:42,500 --> 00:34:45,066 AND YOU'RE ASKING ME ALL THESE PERSONAL QUESTIONS." 745 00:34:47,767 --> 00:34:50,834 THEY DON'T LIKE TO DIVULGE THAT INFORMATION 746 00:34:50,834 --> 00:34:52,767 'CAUSE IT MATTERS TO THEM. 747 00:34:52,767 --> 00:34:54,066 BLACK PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT. 748 00:34:54,066 --> 00:34:55,600 BLACK PEOPLE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT POLITICS. 749 00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:57,133 BLACK PEOPLE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT 750 00:34:57,133 --> 00:34:58,900 BEATING UP POLITICIANS AND SHIT. 751 00:34:58,900 --> 00:35:01,266 "IF I SEE GEORGE BUSH, I'LL KICK HIS MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS 752 00:35:01,266 --> 00:35:03,867 FOR CUTTING MY MEDICAID !" 753 00:35:10,133 --> 00:35:11,967 WELL, WE JUST SAY IT. 754 00:35:11,967 --> 00:35:13,300 BUT, THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT, 755 00:35:13,300 --> 00:35:15,433 'CAUSE IT MATTERS MORE, IT MATTERS MORE. 756 00:35:15,433 --> 00:35:17,367 SEE, EVEN WHEN I VOTE, RIGHT ? 757 00:35:17,367 --> 00:35:19,567 WHICH I DON'T, BUT... 758 00:35:19,567 --> 00:35:22,533 BUT, EVEN WHEN I THINK ABOUT WHO I WOULD VOTE FOR, 759 00:35:22,533 --> 00:35:24,567 RIGHT ? 760 00:35:24,567 --> 00:35:27,233 I DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THEIR POLITICAL POLICIES. 761 00:35:27,233 --> 00:35:29,667 I JUST LOOK AT THEIR CHARACTER. 762 00:35:29,667 --> 00:35:32,233 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING NOW ? 763 00:35:32,233 --> 00:35:37,300 NO, I'M SERIOUS, YOU GOTTA READ BETWEEN THE LINES. 764 00:35:37,300 --> 00:35:40,333 YOU LOOK AT CLINTON, AND BLACK PEOPLE LIKE CLINTON. 765 00:35:40,333 --> 00:35:42,467 I SAW ONE THING ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, 766 00:35:42,467 --> 00:35:44,834 HE ACTUALLY JUST PICKED A BLACK BABY UP... 767 00:35:44,834 --> 00:35:46,567 "COME HERE, YOU LITTLE NIGGER BABY." 768 00:35:46,567 --> 00:35:48,333 AND JUST KISSED HIM. 769 00:35:48,333 --> 00:35:52,367 I SAID, "UM-HMM, I LIKE THAT." 770 00:35:52,367 --> 00:35:55,600 HE DID NOT HESITATE OR NOTHING. 771 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,900 YOU SEE GEORGE BUSH, HE'D BE LIKE, "EWWW !" 772 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,767 LIKE, SEE, I'D NEVER VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH Jr., 773 00:36:10,767 --> 00:36:13,433 BUT I DON'T KNOW GEORGE BUSH Jr.'s POLITICS. 774 00:36:13,433 --> 00:36:15,333 THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT GEORGE BUSH Jr. IS, 775 00:36:15,333 --> 00:36:18,266 THAT GUY SNIFFED COCAINE, THAT'S RIGHT. 776 00:36:18,266 --> 00:36:19,667 NOW, LISTEN, 777 00:36:19,667 --> 00:36:21,734 WE CANNOT HAVE THAT SHIT IN THE WHITE HOUSE. 778 00:36:21,734 --> 00:36:23,533 THAT MIGHT BE FINE FOR A MAYOR, 779 00:36:23,533 --> 00:36:25,800 BUT, GODAMMIT, NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE ! 780 00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:28,333 NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE. 781 00:36:28,333 --> 00:36:30,500 ( laughter ) 782 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:34,600 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ? 783 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:40,767 THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH IN THE WHITE HOUSE. 784 00:36:40,767 --> 00:36:43,600 CAN'T HANDLE NO COKE-HEAD PRESIDENT, UH-UH. 785 00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:45,266 HE'D BE SELLING NUCLEAR SECRETS 786 00:36:45,266 --> 00:36:48,000 FOR $20, $30 AND SHIT. 787 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,667 HE'D BE IN MEETINGS EMBARRASSING AMERICA. 788 00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:56,033 "C'MON, SIGN THE TREATY, BABY. 789 00:36:56,033 --> 00:36:59,133 I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK !" 790 00:37:01,934 --> 00:37:03,934 "MR. PRESIDENT ! 791 00:37:07,133 --> 00:37:09,200 "MR. PRESIDENT, 792 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:13,266 "THAT IS NOT HOW WE DO BUSINESS HERE, SIR. 793 00:37:13,266 --> 00:37:16,066 STOP SUCKING THE AMBASSADOR'S DICK." 794 00:37:17,767 --> 00:37:20,000 "NO, LET HIM FINISH. 795 00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:27,467 "I WILL SIGN THE TREATY. 796 00:37:27,467 --> 00:37:31,000 THERE BE PEACE IN ISRAEL, FINALLY." 797 00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,667 I'D VOTE FOR CLINTON AGAIN, IF I COULD. 798 00:37:40,233 --> 00:37:43,533 NOW AGAIN, I'M NOT LOOKING AT HIS POLITICS. 799 00:37:43,533 --> 00:37:45,767 I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS POLITICS ARE. 800 00:37:45,767 --> 00:37:48,900 I'M JUST LOOKING AT HIS BEHAVIOR. 801 00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:53,600 I UNDERSTAND THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR. 802 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,233 I KNOW A LOT OF DUDES WITH THEM SHORTCOMINGS. 803 00:37:56,233 --> 00:38:00,166 WEED-SMOKING FORNICATORS, THERE'S A LOT OF THEM. 804 00:38:00,166 --> 00:38:02,734 I MEAN, COME ON, NOW, LET'S BE HONEST, 805 00:38:02,734 --> 00:38:04,166 LET'S BE HONEST. 806 00:38:04,166 --> 00:38:06,967 BILL CLINTON WAS NOT THE FIRST PRESIDENT 807 00:38:06,967 --> 00:38:08,300 TO DO WHAT HE DID. 808 00:38:08,300 --> 00:38:10,066 NOW... 809 00:38:10,066 --> 00:38:13,700 LET'S THINK BACK FOR A MINUTE. 810 00:38:13,700 --> 00:38:16,533 REMEMBER A GUY NAMED KENNEDY ? 811 00:38:16,533 --> 00:38:18,500 JOHN F. KENNEDY ? REMEMBER HIM ? 812 00:38:18,500 --> 00:38:20,400 HE FUCKED MARILYN MONROE. 813 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:21,867 AS A MATTER OF FACT, 814 00:38:21,867 --> 00:38:25,867 HIM AND HIS BROTHER, BOBBY, FUCKED MARILYN MONROE ! 815 00:38:25,867 --> 00:38:29,633 AND HISTORY DOESN'T TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH. 816 00:38:29,633 --> 00:38:31,567 YOU KNOW WHY HISTORY DOESN'T TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH ? 817 00:38:31,567 --> 00:38:37,667 BECAUSE THOSE TWO PAGES IN HISTORY ARE STUCK TOGETHER ! 818 00:38:37,667 --> 00:38:39,800 THEY WAS GETTIN' IT ON. 819 00:38:40,900 --> 00:38:42,867 THEY WERE GETTIN' IT ON. 820 00:38:42,867 --> 00:38:45,166 I SEEN THE TAPES, REMEMBER THE TAPES ? 821 00:38:45,166 --> 00:38:46,900 SHE'D BE SINGING ALL NASTY AT HIS PARTY, 822 00:38:46,900 --> 00:38:48,266 STRESSIN' HIM ALL OUT... 823 00:38:48,266 --> 00:38:51,633 ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪ 824 00:38:51,633 --> 00:38:55,834 ♪ MR. PRESIDENT... ♪ 825 00:38:55,834 --> 00:38:58,533 "BITCH, MY FAMILY'S HERE !" 826 00:39:08,867 --> 00:39:11,066 CLINTON DID THE SAME THING. 827 00:39:11,066 --> 00:39:13,266 BUT, HE DIDN'T DO IT LIKE THAT 828 00:39:13,266 --> 00:39:15,066 BECAUSE, IT'S THE YEAR 2000, 829 00:39:15,066 --> 00:39:17,166 HE'S BUSIER THAN KENNEDY WAS. 830 00:39:17,166 --> 00:39:19,266 HE'S A BUSY MAN. 831 00:39:19,266 --> 00:39:20,767 CLINTON DID THAT KIND OF THING 832 00:39:20,767 --> 00:39:22,834 THE WAY BUSY MEN DO IT. 833 00:39:22,834 --> 00:39:24,100 YOU KNOW WHAT BUSY MEN DO ? 834 00:39:24,100 --> 00:39:26,867 THEY FUCK WHO'S CLOSE TO THEM. 835 00:39:26,867 --> 00:39:28,800 I CAN TELL THAT'S WHAT CLINTON WAS UP TO. 836 00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:30,166 IT LOOKED LIKE HE JUST STUCK HIS HEAD 837 00:39:30,166 --> 00:39:32,934 OUT THE OFFICE DOOR AND SAID, "AHH, HELP ! 838 00:39:34,300 --> 00:39:37,133 "YOU, YOU, COME HERE, COME HERE !" 839 00:39:37,133 --> 00:39:39,767 ( wild laughter ) 840 00:39:39,767 --> 00:39:43,133 "I NEED MY PENIS SUCKED BEFORE MY 3:30, C'MON ! 841 00:39:44,500 --> 00:39:46,433 OH, BOY." 842 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,066 HE WAS PROBABLY LOOKING AT KENNEDY'S PICTURE AND SHIT... 843 00:39:58,133 --> 00:39:59,967 AND THEN, TO TOP IT OFF, 844 00:39:59,967 --> 00:40:03,300 HE LIED, WHICH I THOUGHT, I THOUGHT THAT WAS SPECIAL. 845 00:40:05,233 --> 00:40:08,100 I DID MAN, I KNOW HOW HE DID IT. 846 00:40:08,100 --> 00:40:10,100 I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF HAVING SEX 847 00:40:10,100 --> 00:40:12,500 WITH A GIRL I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH BEFORE, 848 00:40:12,500 --> 00:40:13,834 AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, 849 00:40:13,834 --> 00:40:16,200 THAT SHIT IS INFURIATING. 850 00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,233 YOU EVER GO THROUGH THAT ? IT'LL MAKE YOU CRAZY. 851 00:40:18,233 --> 00:40:19,700 YOU'LL BE SCREAMING AT YOUR BEST FRIENDS, 852 00:40:19,700 --> 00:40:21,100 "I DIDN'T TOUCH THAT BITCH, NIGGER, I'LL KILL YOU ! 853 00:40:21,100 --> 00:40:23,066 "FUCK YOU, NIGGER, I'LL KILL YOU ! 854 00:40:23,066 --> 00:40:24,867 "PLEASE BELIEVE ME ! 855 00:40:24,867 --> 00:40:27,500 PLEASE BELIEVE ME !" 856 00:40:32,767 --> 00:40:35,033 CLINTON DIDN'T DO IT LIKE THAT, DID HE ? 857 00:40:35,033 --> 00:40:36,734 CLINTON CAME OUT OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE, 858 00:40:36,734 --> 00:40:39,033 ALL RELAXED, SHOULDERS ALL RELAXED, 859 00:40:39,033 --> 00:40:40,500 IN ALL THIS TROUBLE. 860 00:40:40,500 --> 00:40:42,533 LOOKED LIKE HE JUST GOT DONE FUCKING OR SOMETHING. 861 00:40:46,467 --> 00:40:49,867 "LISTEN, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, AMERICA. 862 00:40:49,867 --> 00:40:53,800 "I DON'T THINK YOU HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME. 863 00:40:57,233 --> 00:41:02,834 "I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS 864 00:41:02,834 --> 00:41:05,900 "WITH THAT WOMAN... 865 00:41:05,900 --> 00:41:07,533 MISS LEWINSKY." 866 00:41:12,533 --> 00:41:14,433 YOU KNOW HE DID IT ! 867 00:41:15,900 --> 00:41:17,800 YOU KNOW HE DID IT ! 868 00:41:23,133 --> 00:41:25,133 EVERYBODY KNOW WHAT THAT FINGER SMELLED LIKE. 869 00:41:25,133 --> 00:41:27,767 NOBODY CARES, NOBODY CARES. 870 00:41:27,767 --> 00:41:29,967 WE ALL WATCH. 871 00:41:29,967 --> 00:41:32,300 WE WAS DISGUSTED, BUT, WE KEPT WATCHING THE NEWS. 872 00:41:32,300 --> 00:41:34,266 I KNOW I DID, I WAS TAPING IT. 873 00:41:34,266 --> 00:41:36,667 I WAS IN THE CRIB, I WAS LIKE, 874 00:41:36,667 --> 00:41:37,734 "BABY, TURN THE LIGHTS OFF, 875 00:41:37,734 --> 00:41:39,567 THE NEWS IS COMING ON." 876 00:41:40,633 --> 00:41:41,934 EVERY WEEK ON "60 MINUTES", 877 00:41:41,934 --> 00:41:43,700 IT WAS A DIFFERENT GIRL ACCUSING CLINTON. 878 00:41:43,700 --> 00:41:45,934 REMEMBER WHEN KATHLEEN WILLEY CAME OUT ? 879 00:41:45,934 --> 00:41:48,133 SHE WAS UPSET, "THE PRESIDENT 880 00:41:48,133 --> 00:41:51,400 "CALLED ME INTO HIS OFFICE. 881 00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:54,567 "HE BEGAN... 882 00:41:54,567 --> 00:41:57,934 "MASSAGING MY BREASTS SLOWLY... 883 00:41:57,934 --> 00:41:59,700 "I'M SORRY. 884 00:42:04,367 --> 00:42:07,100 "AND THEN HE PLACED MY HAND, 885 00:42:07,100 --> 00:42:09,700 ON HIS GENITALS." 886 00:42:13,033 --> 00:42:15,266 ED BRADLEY WAS SHOCKED, "OHHH !" 887 00:42:17,867 --> 00:42:19,967 "WAS HE AROUSED ?" 888 00:42:23,333 --> 00:42:27,100 I WAS AT HOME, LIKE, "YEAH, WAS HE AROUSED ?" 889 00:42:33,100 --> 00:42:35,333 AND THEN ED BRADLEY LOOKED RIGHT IN THE CAMERA, 890 00:42:35,333 --> 00:42:38,800 HE SAID, "DON'T BUST THAT NUT YET, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK." 891 00:42:43,233 --> 00:42:47,033 OH, MAN, THE NEWS HAD NEVER BEEN SO GOOD. 892 00:42:47,033 --> 00:42:50,100 BUT, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS. 893 00:42:50,100 --> 00:42:53,033 THE ONLY ONE I FEEL SORRY FOR IS LEWINSKY, 894 00:42:53,033 --> 00:42:54,233 I FEEL A LITTLE SORRY FOR HER. 895 00:42:54,233 --> 00:42:55,900 DON'T Y'ALL FEEL A LITTLE SORRY FOR HER AT ALL ? 896 00:42:55,900 --> 00:42:57,367 ( audience ) NO !! 897 00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:59,900 GODAMN, Y'ALL COME ON NOW. 898 00:42:59,900 --> 00:43:01,200 HAVE A HEART, 899 00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:03,266 THAT'S A HARD THING TO BE FAMOUS FOR, MAN. 900 00:43:03,266 --> 00:43:05,900 NOBODY WANTS TO BE THE MOST FAMOUS COCKSUCKER 901 00:43:05,900 --> 00:43:07,800 OF ALL TIMES AND SHIT ! 902 00:43:10,934 --> 00:43:12,367 I FEEL BAD FOR HER. 903 00:43:12,367 --> 00:43:14,867 NOT EVEN THE WOMEN FEEL SORRY FOR HER, LADIES ? 904 00:43:14,867 --> 00:43:16,300 ( women ) NO ! 905 00:43:16,300 --> 00:43:17,734 NOW THAT'S JEALOUSY. 906 00:43:20,166 --> 00:43:22,333 THAT'S WHAT THAT IS. 907 00:43:22,333 --> 00:43:24,500 I MEAN, C'MON, THAT'S ONE DICK 908 00:43:24,500 --> 00:43:26,066 THAT GIRL SUCKED THAT'S GONNA HAUNT HER 909 00:43:26,066 --> 00:43:28,533 FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. 910 00:43:28,533 --> 00:43:30,100 LONG AFTER SHE SPENT THAT MONEY UP, 911 00:43:30,100 --> 00:43:32,266 THAT'S STILL GONNA HAUNT HER. 912 00:43:32,266 --> 00:43:33,800 I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE 913 00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:36,700 WITH AT LEAST ONE DICK THEY REGRET. 914 00:43:36,700 --> 00:43:39,700 AND I BETCHA IT WASN'T THE PRESIDENT'S DICK. 915 00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:41,400 I BETCHA HE WORKED AT KINNEY SHOES 916 00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:43,533 OR SAFEWAY OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT ! 917 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:48,333 DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER, DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER. 918 00:43:50,133 --> 00:43:52,333 SEE, WE GOTTA STOP JUDGIN' PEOPLE. 919 00:43:52,333 --> 00:43:54,800 THAT GIRL WAS YOUNG, AND SHE MADE A MISTAKE 920 00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:56,700 THAT YOUNG GIRLS MAKE. 921 00:43:56,700 --> 00:43:59,533 SHE WANTED TO FUCK A POWERFUL MAN, PERIOD, 922 00:43:59,533 --> 00:44:01,066 THAT'S AS FAR AS SHE THOUGHT THROUGH. 923 00:44:01,066 --> 00:44:03,166 SHE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT HOW POWERFUL THE PRESIDENT WAS. 924 00:44:03,166 --> 00:44:04,667 SHE HAD NO WISDOM. 925 00:44:04,667 --> 00:44:06,333 AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE HELPED EVERYBODY. 926 00:44:06,333 --> 00:44:07,767 AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THERE, 927 00:44:07,767 --> 00:44:10,066 "YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD LOWER TAXES." 928 00:44:10,066 --> 00:44:11,834 ( slurping noises ) 929 00:44:17,567 --> 00:44:20,734 AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE SUCKED US INTO UTOPIA ! 930 00:44:22,667 --> 00:44:24,967 THE LAST THING I'M GONNA SAY ABOUT IT IS THIS, 931 00:44:24,967 --> 00:44:27,700 THAT HE IS A FAMOUS MAN. 932 00:44:27,700 --> 00:44:29,533 I HAVE DREAMT OF BEING FAMOUS, BUT, 933 00:44:29,533 --> 00:44:32,367 I NEVER DREAMT OF BEING THAT FAMOUS. 934 00:44:32,367 --> 00:44:34,400 I NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW FAMOUS A PRESIDENT WAS, 935 00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:36,533 BUT, IMAGINE IF SOMEBODY COULD SUCK YOUR DICK 936 00:44:36,533 --> 00:44:37,834 AND THEN THEY'RE FAMOUS ! 937 00:44:37,834 --> 00:44:39,333 YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING ? 938 00:44:41,367 --> 00:44:42,567 THAT'S CRAZY. 939 00:44:44,767 --> 00:44:46,367 THAT'S CRAZY. 940 00:44:47,533 --> 00:44:49,800 I MEAN, NO GUY EVER THOUGHT OF THAT. 941 00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:51,400 THERE'S NOBODY WITH A PICK-UP LINE 942 00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,200 THAT GOOD AND SHIT. 943 00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:54,934 "HEY, SUCK MY DICK, THERE'S A FUTURE IN IT." 944 00:44:54,934 --> 00:44:56,333 "WHAT ?" 945 00:44:56,333 --> 00:44:57,467 "OH, THAT'S IT, 946 00:44:57,467 --> 00:44:59,533 "NOW GET OUT THERE AND BE SOMEBODY ! 947 00:44:59,533 --> 00:45:02,133 "GO WRITE A BOOK. 948 00:45:02,133 --> 00:45:05,767 YOU'RE A QUALIFIED AUTHOR NOW, GO WRITE A BOOK." 949 00:45:07,433 --> 00:45:09,900 I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS, I SHOULD BE THE PRESIDENT, 950 00:45:09,900 --> 00:45:12,567 SHIT, I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS. 951 00:45:12,567 --> 00:45:14,066 SEE, THE ONLY REASON I DON'T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT 952 00:45:14,066 --> 00:45:15,333 IS 'CAUSE I'M BLACK. 953 00:45:15,333 --> 00:45:17,166 THAT WOULD MAKE IT TOO HOT FOR ME. 954 00:45:17,166 --> 00:45:20,266 I MEAN THERE COULD BE A BLACK PRESIDENT ONE DAY, 955 00:45:20,266 --> 00:45:22,800 BUT, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE FIRST ONE. 956 00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:24,100 I MEAN, THE SECOND OR THIRD, THAT'S FINE, 957 00:45:24,100 --> 00:45:25,800 BUT, THAT FIRST NIGGER BETTER WATCH OUT. 958 00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:27,834 I'M GONNA TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW. 959 00:45:27,834 --> 00:45:29,767 TOO HOT. 960 00:45:29,767 --> 00:45:31,233 I MEAN, I'D BE THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT, 961 00:45:31,233 --> 00:45:34,233 I DON'T THINK THAT NOBODY WOULD REALLY, REALLY HURT ME. 962 00:45:34,233 --> 00:45:36,133 I'M SURE SOMEBODY WOULD WANNA HURT ME, BUT, 963 00:45:36,133 --> 00:45:37,700 I DON'T THINK THEY'D TOUCH ME... 964 00:45:39,133 --> 00:45:43,200 'CAUSE MY VICE PRESIDENT WOULD BE MEXICAN 965 00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:45,000 FOR A LITTLE INSURANCE. 966 00:45:47,433 --> 00:45:49,300 KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ? 967 00:45:49,300 --> 00:45:51,233 YOU CAN SHOOT ME IF YOU WANT, 968 00:45:51,233 --> 00:45:54,133 BUT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA OPEN THE BORDER UP, SO, 969 00:45:54,133 --> 00:45:55,834 YOU MIGHT AS WELL LEAVE ME 970 00:45:55,834 --> 00:45:59,100 AND VICE PRESIDENT SANTIAGO TO OUR OWN DEVICES. 971 00:45:59,100 --> 00:46:01,000 "AIN'T THAT RIGHT, SANTIAGO ?" 972 00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:03,800 "Sí, Sí ! 973 00:46:07,667 --> 00:46:10,066 ELIAN CAN STAY !" 974 00:46:12,834 --> 00:46:14,333 DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY, 975 00:46:14,333 --> 00:46:16,633 I DON'T GOT NO ELIAN JOKES. 976 00:46:16,633 --> 00:46:18,900 ALL I'LL SAY ABOUT ELIAN IS THANK GOD HE'S CUBAN. 977 00:46:18,900 --> 00:46:20,834 'CAUSE IF HE WAS HAITIAN, 978 00:46:20,834 --> 00:46:23,367 YOU WOULD'VE NEVER HEARD ABOUT HIS ASS ! 979 00:46:25,133 --> 00:46:27,967 UH-UH... 980 00:46:27,967 --> 00:46:32,800 IF ELIAN GONZALEZ WAS ELIAN MAMUMBO 981 00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:34,967 FROM HAITI, 982 00:46:34,967 --> 00:46:36,533 THEY WOULDA PUSHED THAT LITTLE RUBBER TUBE 983 00:46:36,533 --> 00:46:37,700 RIGHT BACK INTO THE WATER. 984 00:46:37,700 --> 00:46:39,567 "SORRY, FELLA, ALL FULL. 985 00:46:39,567 --> 00:46:41,400 GOOD LUCK." 986 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:47,100 THE ONLY THING IN OUR SOCIETY THAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST, 987 00:46:47,100 --> 00:46:49,000 IS THE WAY THAT MEN AND WOMEN 988 00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:51,033 DON'T GET ALONG NO MORE. 989 00:46:51,033 --> 00:46:53,333 THAT'S REALLY WHAT'S BUGGING ME ABOUT IT. 990 00:46:53,333 --> 00:46:56,400 MEN AND WOMEN JUST DON'T GET ALONG. 991 00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:57,867 LIKE, I HEAR WOMEN SAY THIS ALL THE TIME. 992 00:46:57,867 --> 00:46:59,000 I KNOW A LOT OF YOU SISTERS WILL BE LIKE, 993 00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:00,567 "CHIVALRY IS DEAD." 994 00:47:00,567 --> 00:47:01,934 DON'T YA ALL FEEL THAT WAY ? 995 00:47:01,934 --> 00:47:04,100 LIKE MEN AREN'T GENTLEMEN ANYMORE ? 996 00:47:04,100 --> 00:47:05,967 THAT'S RIGHT, 997 00:47:05,967 --> 00:47:09,533 CHIVALRY IS DEAD, AND WOMEN KILLED IT. 998 00:47:18,166 --> 00:47:20,200 THERE'S A FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCE 999 00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:22,000 IN THE WAY WE'RE GONNA SEE THINGS. 1000 00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:23,600 WE'RE NOT GONNA SEE EYE-TO-EYE ON THIS ISSUE, 1001 00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:25,433 WE'RE JUST NOT. 1002 00:47:25,433 --> 00:47:27,700 OUR TESTS IN LIFE ARE DIFFERENT. 1003 00:47:27,700 --> 00:47:31,066 A WOMEN'S TEST IN LIFE IS MATERIAL. 1004 00:47:31,066 --> 00:47:35,200 A MAN'S TEST IN LIFE IS A WOMAN. 1005 00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:39,066 NOW, BY TESTS, I MEAN THAT THOSE ARE THE THINGS 1006 00:47:39,066 --> 00:47:40,767 THAT WE DESIRE. 1007 00:47:40,767 --> 00:47:42,600 MEN HAVE NICE CARS. 1008 00:47:42,600 --> 00:47:44,433 NOT 'CAUSE THEY LIKE NICE CARS, 1009 00:47:44,433 --> 00:47:47,300 BECAUSE THEY KNOW WOMEN LIKE NICE CARS. 1010 00:47:51,133 --> 00:47:53,667 THAT'S HOW IT GOES. 1011 00:47:53,667 --> 00:47:58,200 'CAUSE MEN ARE HUNTERS AND THE CAR'S THE BAIT. 1012 00:47:58,200 --> 00:48:01,266 AND A WOMAN COMES OUT AND SAYS, "OOH, NICE PORSCHE." 1013 00:48:01,266 --> 00:48:03,066 "GOTCHA BITCH !" 1014 00:48:03,066 --> 00:48:05,400 ( applause ) 1015 00:48:06,834 --> 00:48:09,233 THAT'S HOW IT IS. 1016 00:48:09,233 --> 00:48:11,600 THAT'S TRUE. 1017 00:48:11,600 --> 00:48:13,433 C'MON, NOW, YOU GO TO A WOMAN'S HOUSE 1018 00:48:13,433 --> 00:48:15,567 HER HOUSE'LL BE COMFORTABLE AS SHIT. 1019 00:48:15,567 --> 00:48:17,300 WOMEN LOVE COMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS, 1020 00:48:17,300 --> 00:48:19,100 SO, MEN GET COMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS. 1021 00:48:19,100 --> 00:48:20,633 BUT, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. 1022 00:48:20,633 --> 00:48:22,000 IF A MAN COULD FUCK A WOMAN IN A CARDBOARD BOX, 1023 00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:24,033 HE WOULDN'T BUY A HOUSE. 1024 00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:30,700 BUT, THAT'S STILL NOT WHERE CHIVALRY GOT KILLED. 1025 00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:33,934 CHIVALRY GOT KILLED BY THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT 1026 00:48:33,934 --> 00:48:36,900 ON THE MAGAZINES THAT GOT WOMEN GOING CRAZY. 1027 00:48:36,900 --> 00:48:39,633 BECAUSE WOMEN GOT TOO MUCH ADVICE ABOUT MEN 1028 00:48:39,633 --> 00:48:41,700 FROM OTHER WOMEN. 1029 00:48:41,700 --> 00:48:44,600 AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. 1030 00:48:52,100 --> 00:48:53,900 IT'S TRUE. 1031 00:48:53,900 --> 00:48:55,300 I SEE THIS SHIT IN THE MAGAZINES. 1032 00:48:55,300 --> 00:48:58,066 I DON'T READ 'EM, BUT, I BE SEEIN' THE COVER. 1033 00:48:58,066 --> 00:48:59,667 I'LL BE IN THE GROCERY STORE, 1034 00:48:59,667 --> 00:49:01,667 FELLAS, YOU LOOKING AT MAGAZINES, "WHAT IS THIS ?" 1035 00:49:01,667 --> 00:49:03,133 AND IT SAYS ON THE COVER, 1036 00:49:03,133 --> 00:49:05,166 "100 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN", 1037 00:49:05,166 --> 00:49:06,567 BY SOME LADY. 1038 00:49:09,300 --> 00:49:11,700 GET OUTTA HERE, NOW, C'MON. 1039 00:49:11,700 --> 00:49:14,300 AIN'T NO 100 WAYS, THAT LIST IS FOUR THINGS LONG. 1040 00:49:14,300 --> 00:49:15,800 JUST, SUCK HIS DICK, PLAY WITH HIS BALLS, 1041 00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:18,800 FIX HIM A SANDWICH, AND, DON'T TALK SO MUCH ! 1042 00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:21,000 AND THEY'RE GONNA BE HAPPY ! 1043 00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:22,800 YEAH. 1044 00:49:29,867 --> 00:49:33,133 AND THEN THE MAGAZINE'S TRICK THE WOMEN. 1045 00:49:33,133 --> 00:49:36,400 THE MAGAZINE'S START PICKING AT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. 1046 00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:38,033 EVERY PAGE YOU TURN, 1047 00:49:38,033 --> 00:49:40,500 YOU START FEELING FATTER AND UGLIER, 1048 00:49:40,500 --> 00:49:42,633 AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR CLOTHES AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. 1049 00:49:42,633 --> 00:49:44,767 AND THE MAGAZINES HAVE YOU FORGETTING 1050 00:49:44,767 --> 00:49:46,500 HOW FUCKING BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE. 1051 00:49:46,500 --> 00:49:47,600 AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS. 1052 00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:48,734 NOW, LOOK WHAT HAPPENS... 1053 00:49:48,734 --> 00:49:50,567 ( applause ) 1054 00:49:50,567 --> 00:49:53,400 AND THEN YOU FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE, 1055 00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:54,700 AND WE ALL SUFFER. 1056 00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,200 IF PUSSY WAS A STOCK, 1057 00:49:56,200 --> 00:49:58,066 IT WOULD BE PLUMMETING RIGHT NOW 1058 00:49:58,066 --> 00:50:00,033 BECAUSE YOU FLOODED THE MARKET WITH IT, 1059 00:50:00,033 --> 00:50:02,400 YOU'RE GIVING IT AWAY TOO EASY. 1060 00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:04,900 I'M JUST BEING TRUTHFUL. 1061 00:50:07,166 --> 00:50:09,033 I'M JUST TALKING. 1062 00:50:09,033 --> 00:50:11,533 IT WOULD PLUMMET. 1063 00:50:11,533 --> 00:50:13,934 YOU'D BE WATCHING THE NEWS, 1064 00:50:13,934 --> 00:50:15,400 "TODAY, PUSSY PLUMMETED AGAIN 1065 00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:17,800 "ON THE NASDAQ. 1066 00:50:20,367 --> 00:50:22,900 GOLD IS UP 10 POINTS." 1067 00:50:24,633 --> 00:50:27,400 YOU CAN SEE IT, YOU EVER HAVE THIS HAPPEN ? 1068 00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:28,934 THIS IS HOW CONFUSING IT IS. 1069 00:50:28,934 --> 00:50:30,567 THIS IS THE PRACTICAL APPLICATION 1070 00:50:30,567 --> 00:50:31,800 OF WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT. 1071 00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:34,066 A GUY'LL BE OUT, THIS HAPPENS TO A LOT, GUYS, 1072 00:50:34,066 --> 00:50:35,867 YOU'LL BE OUT AT A CLUB, A BAR, RIGHT ? 1073 00:50:35,867 --> 00:50:37,200 YOU'RE JUST KICKING WITH YOUR BOYS. 1074 00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:40,166 AND A GIRL WALKS BY, AND, MAN, SHE LOOKS GOOD. 1075 00:50:40,166 --> 00:50:43,166 NOT GOOD IN THAT CLASSICAL WAY. 1076 00:50:43,166 --> 00:50:46,066 I'M TALKING GOOD LIKE, 1077 00:50:46,066 --> 00:50:48,367 SHE GOT HALF HER ASS HANGING OUT OF HER SKIRT, 1078 00:50:48,367 --> 00:50:49,834 MMMM. 1079 00:50:49,834 --> 00:50:52,200 HER TITTIES ARE ALL MASHED TOGETHER. 1080 00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:55,367 POPPING OUT THE TOP OF HER TURTLENECK AND SHIT. 1081 00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:05,967 AND YOU'RE WITH YOUR BUDDIES, RIGHT ? 1082 00:51:05,967 --> 00:51:07,533 YOU GOT A COUPLE OF DRINKS IN YOU, 1083 00:51:07,533 --> 00:51:09,433 AND YOU SEE A GIRL AND YOU MIGHT TRY TO TALK TO HER. 1084 00:51:09,433 --> 00:51:11,233 IT JUST MIGHT NOT COME OUT RIGHT. 1085 00:51:11,233 --> 00:51:13,600 "DAMN, LOOK AT THEM TITTIES !" 1086 00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:18,700 THE GIRL GETS MAD AT YOU. 1087 00:51:18,700 --> 00:51:21,433 "OH, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE ! 1088 00:51:21,433 --> 00:51:25,834 "JUST BECAUSE I'M DRESSED THIS WAY 1089 00:51:25,834 --> 00:51:27,734 "DOES NOT... 1090 00:51:29,934 --> 00:51:32,533 MAKE ME A WHORE." 1091 00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:36,200 WHICH IS TRUE. 1092 00:51:36,200 --> 00:51:38,033 GENTLEMEN, THAT IS TRUE. 1093 00:51:38,033 --> 00:51:39,467 JUST BECAUSE THEY DRESS A CERTAIN WAY, 1094 00:51:39,467 --> 00:51:40,900 DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE A CERTAIN WAY. 1095 00:51:40,900 --> 00:51:42,333 DON'T EVER FORGET IT, 1096 00:51:42,333 --> 00:51:44,000 BUT, LADIES, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT 1097 00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:46,600 THAT IS FUCKING CONFUSING. 1098 00:51:46,600 --> 00:51:48,867 IT JUST IS. 1099 00:51:49,734 --> 00:51:52,834 NOW, THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME, DAVE CHAPPELLE, THE COMEDIAN, 1100 00:51:52,834 --> 00:51:55,500 WALKING AROUND THE STREETS IN A COP UNIFORM. 1101 00:51:55,500 --> 00:51:57,467 SOMEBODY MIGHT RUN UP ON ME. 1102 00:51:57,467 --> 00:52:00,166 "AHH, THANK GOD, OFFICER, HELP US ! 1103 00:52:00,166 --> 00:52:02,633 C'MON, THEY'RE OVER HERE, HELP US !" 1104 00:52:02,633 --> 00:52:07,333 I'D BE, "OH, JUST BECAUSE I'M DRESSED THIS WAY, 1105 00:52:07,333 --> 00:52:11,667 DOES NOT MAKE ME A POLICE OFFICER !" 1106 00:52:15,433 --> 00:52:18,000 DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING ? 1107 00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:21,900 I WAS LIKE, "ALRIGHT LADY, FINE, FINE ! 1108 00:52:21,900 --> 00:52:24,400 "YOU ARE NOT A WHORE. 1109 00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:26,834 "BUT, YOU ARE WEARING A WHORE'S UNIFORM, 1110 00:52:26,834 --> 00:52:29,066 I'LL TELL YOU THAT SHIT." 1111 00:52:32,567 --> 00:52:34,700 MISUNDERSTANDINGS CAN HAPPEN. 1112 00:52:34,700 --> 00:52:37,867 AND THEN, MEN, WE MISUNDERSTAND WOMEN A LOT. 1113 00:52:37,867 --> 00:52:40,400 WE ALWAYS UNDERMINE THEIR FEELINGS. 1114 00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:42,834 YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO THEM, YOU CAN'T. 1115 00:52:42,834 --> 00:52:46,400 BECAUSE, SEE, FEELINGS ARE... 1116 00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:50,467 FEELINGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO WOMEN. 1117 00:52:50,467 --> 00:52:52,200 THEY ARE ALL IMPORTANT TO WOMEN. 1118 00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:54,233 I'M JUST LEARNING THIS SHIT. 1119 00:52:54,233 --> 00:52:58,200 EVERYTHING'S BASED ON HOW THEY FEEL. 1120 00:52:58,200 --> 00:53:01,300 YOU CAN HEAR IT WHEN THEY TELL STORIES. 1121 00:53:01,300 --> 00:53:03,300 YOU HEAR A MAN TELL A STORY, 1122 00:53:03,300 --> 00:53:04,633 IT'LL BE JUST FACTS. 1123 00:53:04,633 --> 00:53:07,333 WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY. 1124 00:53:07,333 --> 00:53:08,800 "IT WAS ME AND BOB, WE WAS AT SAFEWAY. 1125 00:53:08,800 --> 00:53:10,333 "AND THAT NIGGER BOB SAID THIS, 1126 00:53:10,333 --> 00:53:12,000 "AND I PUNCHED THAT NIGGER AND THEN I BROKE OUT. 1127 00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:14,266 THAT'S THE STORY." 1128 00:53:14,266 --> 00:53:16,300 ( applause ) 1129 00:53:17,967 --> 00:53:20,200 "THAT'S THE STORY." 1130 00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:22,633 WOMEN WOULD TELL THE STORY WITH ALL THESE FEELINGS IN IT. 1131 00:53:22,633 --> 00:53:24,133 "WELL, FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, 1132 00:53:24,133 --> 00:53:26,300 "I WAS ON MY PERIOD AND I JUST TALKED TO MY MOTHER. 1133 00:53:26,300 --> 00:53:29,467 SO, I WAS FEELING LIKE, REALLY BAD... " 1134 00:53:29,467 --> 00:53:32,567 "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, GET TO IT !" 1135 00:53:32,567 --> 00:53:34,600 BUT, THEY GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM. 1136 00:53:34,600 --> 00:53:37,633 GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM. 1137 00:53:37,633 --> 00:53:39,333 THAT'S HOW THEY ALWAYS GET ME. 1138 00:53:39,333 --> 00:53:41,266 I'LL BE SITTING THERE, WATCHING TV, 1139 00:53:41,266 --> 00:53:42,967 CHILLIN' AND SHIT. 1140 00:53:42,967 --> 00:53:45,767 MY OLD LADY COME UP TO ME. 1141 00:53:45,767 --> 00:53:47,600 "DAVID, 1142 00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,700 WE NEED TO TALK." 1143 00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:53,433 "FUCK !" 1144 00:53:56,633 --> 00:53:59,033 I DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD. 1145 00:53:59,033 --> 00:54:02,567 THAT'S HOW I FEEL INSIDE. 1146 00:54:02,567 --> 00:54:05,467 BECAUSE I KNOW EVERY TIME WE NEED TO TALK, 1147 00:54:05,467 --> 00:54:09,066 WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOME SHIT THAT I GOTTA DO. 1148 00:54:09,066 --> 00:54:10,834 BUT, WE DON'T EVER GOTTA TALK ABOUT 1149 00:54:10,834 --> 00:54:12,967 ANYTHING SHE NEEDS TO DO. 1150 00:54:21,867 --> 00:54:24,200 SHE LEAVES ME DEFENSELESS ! 1151 00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:26,600 I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO. 1152 00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:28,934 "DAVID, WE NEED TO TALK." 1153 00:54:28,934 --> 00:54:30,967 ( Cagney voice ) "AHH... " 1154 00:54:32,767 --> 00:54:35,100 "DON'T DO THAT TO ME DAVID, THIS IS SERIOUS. 1155 00:54:35,100 --> 00:54:37,000 STOP TALKING IN THAT VOICE." 1156 00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:38,200 ( Cagney voice ) "NOW, SEE... ! 1157 00:54:40,166 --> 00:54:43,100 "I GOTTA DO THIS, SEE !! 1158 00:54:43,100 --> 00:54:45,200 AHH, SEE ?!" 1159 00:54:49,433 --> 00:54:52,166 I COMPLAIN, BUT, I'M HAPPY I'M WITH SOMEBODY. 1160 00:54:52,166 --> 00:54:55,266 I DON'T WANNA BE SINGLE, I DON'T LIKE THAT. 1161 00:54:55,266 --> 00:54:56,934 SOMETIMES YOU GO TO THEM SINGLE CLUBS, 1162 00:54:56,934 --> 00:54:57,967 YOU SEE TOO MUCH. 1163 00:54:57,967 --> 00:54:59,467 I WAS ON THE ROAD, ONE CLUB, 1164 00:54:59,467 --> 00:55:01,567 AND I SEEN A THING THEY CALL, 1165 00:55:01,567 --> 00:55:04,033 A THONG CONTEST. 1166 00:55:04,033 --> 00:55:05,467 ( male in audience ) YES !!!! 1167 00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:10,767 YEAH, I SEEN A THONG CONTEST. 1168 00:55:10,767 --> 00:55:12,467 ( male ) SCANDALOUS ! 1169 00:55:12,467 --> 00:55:14,667 YEAH, THAT'S SOME SCANDALOUS SHIT, ALRIGHT. 1170 00:55:14,667 --> 00:55:17,433 I COULDN'T GET OVER THAT, MAN. 1171 00:55:17,433 --> 00:55:20,800 I WAS DANCING WITH A GIRL AND THE DJ SAID, 1172 00:55:20,800 --> 00:55:22,700 "EVERYBODY THAT WANTS TO BE IN THE THONG CONTEST 1173 00:55:22,700 --> 00:55:25,467 PLEASE REPORT TO THE DJ BOOTH." 1174 00:55:25,467 --> 00:55:27,400 THE GIRL'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME !" 1175 00:55:29,567 --> 00:55:31,367 THEY PUT ON THAT SONG, 1176 00:55:31,367 --> 00:55:34,133 ♪ LET ME SEE SOME, THONG, THONG, THONG... ♪ 1177 00:55:34,133 --> 00:55:36,700 THEM GIRLS WAS GOING OFF ! 1178 00:55:36,700 --> 00:55:38,834 SOME OF THEM PULLING THEIR PANTS DOWN, 1179 00:55:38,834 --> 00:55:40,400 SOME OF THEM PULLING THEIR SKIRTS UP, 1180 00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:41,734 ALL OF THEM SHAKING THEIR BUTTS. 1181 00:55:41,734 --> 00:55:43,100 SOME OF THEM DIDN'T HAVE UNDERWEAR ON, 1182 00:55:43,100 --> 00:55:44,900 THEY WAS JUST FUCKIN' SHAKING THEIR BUTT. 1183 00:55:44,900 --> 00:55:47,233 I MEAN, I WAS FUCKIN' DISGUSTED, 1184 00:55:47,233 --> 00:55:49,166 BUT I COULDN'T TURN AWAY. 1185 00:55:49,166 --> 00:55:51,333 ( applause ) 1186 00:55:53,400 --> 00:55:55,934 BUT, NO, PLEASE, FOR THE SQUEAMISH, 1187 00:55:55,934 --> 00:55:57,166 JUST PLUG YOUR EARS. 1188 00:55:57,166 --> 00:55:59,533 ONE OF THE GIRLS WAS GETTING SO INTO IT, 1189 00:55:59,533 --> 00:56:01,100 NOW THERE'S NO COPS AROUND, RIGHT ? 1190 00:56:01,100 --> 00:56:02,800 BUT, SHE ACTUALLY, I'M SORRY TO TELL Y'ALL THIS, 1191 00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:05,333 BUT, SHE SPREADS HER BUTT CHEEKS OPEN, 1192 00:56:05,333 --> 00:56:08,600 IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED DISCO, RIGHT ? 1193 00:56:08,600 --> 00:56:10,867 I WAS DISGUSTED 'CAUSE I WAS LIKE 10 YARDS AWAY FROM HER, 1194 00:56:10,867 --> 00:56:13,066 I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD !" 1195 00:56:17,200 --> 00:56:20,200 IS THAT HER BIRTH CANAL ? 1196 00:56:23,133 --> 00:56:25,133 OH, IT GETS WORSE. 1197 00:56:25,133 --> 00:56:28,100 GOOD GOD, ALMIGHTY, IS THAT, 1198 00:56:28,100 --> 00:56:29,667 IS THAT A BABY ? 1199 00:56:31,767 --> 00:56:34,300 I KNOW THAT'S GROSS, IT'S GROSS, 1200 00:56:34,300 --> 00:56:36,533 'CAUSE, IT WAS A BABY. 1201 00:56:37,300 --> 00:56:39,100 IT WAS THE SAME BABY FROM THE PROJECTS, 1202 00:56:39,100 --> 00:56:41,367 HE'S LIKE, "I SNUCK IN THE CLUB, NIGGER ! 1203 00:56:41,367 --> 00:56:43,633 "I GOT THAT WEED IF YOU NEED ME ! 1204 00:56:43,633 --> 00:56:47,934 JUST PAT HER ON THE ASS, AND I'LL COME OUT !" 1205 00:56:49,200 --> 00:56:52,734 HEY, GUYS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, 1206 00:56:52,734 --> 00:56:54,734 THANK YOU, ALL. 1207 00:56:54,734 --> 00:56:56,700 ♪ ♪ 1208 00:57:00,166 --> 00:57:02,266 ♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND ♪ 1209 00:57:02,266 --> 00:57:04,700 ♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪ 1210 00:57:04,700 --> 00:57:06,934 ♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME GO ALL OUT ♪ 1211 00:57:06,934 --> 00:57:09,333 ♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪ 1212 00:57:09,333 --> 00:57:11,734 ♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME ACT A FOOL ♪ 1213 00:57:11,734 --> 00:57:14,000 ♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪ 1214 00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:16,567 ♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY COOL ♪ 1215 00:57:16,567 --> 00:57:20,100 ♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪ 1216 00:57:20,100 --> 00:57:24,133 CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 2000 HOME BOX OFFICE 1217 00:57:24,133 --> 00:57:28,033 A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P. 1218 00:57:29,200 --> 00:57:32,066 Captioned by HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER