♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪
-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪
♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪
♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪
♪ He'd start to drool ♪
-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪
♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪
♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪
♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪
-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪
♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪
♪ He's so over just being rover ♪
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ It's so weird ♪ ♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪
♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪
♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪
Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?
Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.
♪ I want to be a boy ♪
I hate dogs.
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪
I do not wish to be a dog.
♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪
♪ I got to be a boy ♪
♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪
♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪
Yes!
[announcer on TV] For boundless energy,
for rich, luxurious fur,
for sweet-smelling breath all day long,
Fur Allure -- extra-fancy cat pâté.
With real pectin, it's the only choice
for the champion at your dinner table.
It's Fur Allure, or I don't purr...
Yeah, like she ever eats anything out of a can.
You know, I've heard those commercial kitties
don't even really eat the products they're selling?
Of course they don't! You want to look like that?
It's strictly melba toast and water.
Shh, shh, shh. Show's back.
[woman on TV] This is the moment the crowd has been waiting for --
miss Regina Bubblina Fancy Paws
has taken center stage, and she is whipping this crowd
into a veritable frenzy.
I wouldn't mind falling into her water dish, yes, sir.
She, me, and a ball of yarn.
[growls]
Let's see -- fabulous celebrity super kitty
and overweight out of shape house cat
with the personality of paste.
Yeah, you got a shot.
I'm sure miss Regina Bubblina Fancy Paws
would appreciate my, uh, inner beauty.
-Yech! -Yech!
Do you two mind? I'm trying to come up with a topic
for my passionate persuasive speech
for class tomorrow,
and with all this pageant nonsense going on,
all I can think about is glamour and appearance.
That's what's wrong with our whole darn culture!
Instead of people focusing on important things,
like education and health
and "how long does it really take to cook a 3-minute egg,"
their heads are all clogged up with superficial silliness.
How much do I weigh? Is this a good color for me?
What is she wearing?
I ask you, what kind of world has this become
where appearances are more important
than who we really are?
Wow, I just got pretty passionate there...
And darn persuasive, if I do say so myself.
Be still, my heart! I found the perfect subject
for my passionate persuasive speech tomorrow.
Now, what did I say?
[snoring]
[gasps]
Hey, bunky, what's the matter?
Nothing's the matter.
C-Can't a guy just walk through a room
like a normal guy walking through a room normally?
W-Whoa, whoa. This is something good.
He's turning red and talking in circles.
I am not turning red and talking in circles --
am not, I am.
Leonard, why do you have that cap pulled over your head
like a toaster cozy?
Um, 'cause my head's cold, and this is my favorite team.
Aha!
Methinks someone has a new haircut.
Let us see! Let us see!
No!
Someone's got a bad haircut!
Hey. Show a little common decency.
Obviously, the boy is in a vulnerable place right now,
and I say leave him alone.
Thanks, Pretty Boy, I really appreciate that.
Don't mention it, kiddo.
Holy Hannah! Who called the marines?
Cue ball in the side pocket. Scratch!
Okay, fine. Go on, get it out of your systems.
-Ha ha ha ha! -Ha ha ha ha!
And excuse me, Mr. Spot Helperman,
but what happened to your passionate persuasive speech
about "looks don't matter"
and "beauty's only skin deep"?
Yeah, but this is different.
Come on, look at him!
If you can't laugh at a walking cactus head, what can you laugh at?
[stifled laughter] You're right.
You are so right. Hee hee hee hee!
I'm sorry, Leonard, but you do look purr-fectly ridiculous.
I know, you're right.
I can't believe this is happening.
Today was the day I was supposed to get my hip new cutting-edge hairstyle,
just like the cool kids.
I had it all planned out,
but then something happened.
Oh, man. I can't believe
I'm finally going to get my haircut at cool coifs.
And look --
there's Tyler, Taylor, and Trevor.
I'm actually on the same haircutting schedule as them!
This is too good to be true.
Unh-unh-unh!
Not so fast there, Mr. Hopalong Doodle-Pants.
A super terrific new barber shop --
oops, oops, pardon me, I mean hair salon just opened at the other end of the mall,
and I'd thought we'd give it a try.
Mom, no. You wouldn't.
Please! I want to go to cool coifs!
Tyler, Taylor, and Trevor go there!
And I suppose if Tyler, Taylor, and Trevor
jumped off the Liberty Ford Memorial Bridge,
you'd want to do that, too?
Tyler, Taylor, and Trevor did jump off
the Liberty Ford Memorial Bridge.
It's called bungee jumping,
and I wasn't allowed to do that, either.
Oh, my poor little Lenny Lumpkins.
Your life must be just so horrible.
Ha ha! Come on.
It won't kill you to try something new.
Besides, I've got coupons!
[screams]
No!
It was horrible.
There, there, Leonard. Don't feel bad.
This isn't your fault.
You wanted to be hip and trendy and cool.
It just didn't work out like you planned.
I'm sure all the kids at school will understand.
Really? You think?
Sure they will, bunky...
When monkeys fly with jet packs!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ooh! You are going to get roasted, pally!
Ha ha ha ha!
This will be worse than the time
Ian wore his sister's culottes to school... backwards!
Ha ha ha ha!
Come on, Spotty-Wotty. You're next.
I'm taking you to a brand-new doggie groomer.
I got coupons.
Wow, talk about your instant Karma.
[howling]
Oh, there, there, Spotty special pup.
We're just going to get you a nice bath and flea dip
and haircut.
Aah!
[howling]
[French accent] Bonjour. Can I help you?
Yes, indeedy.
I mean... [mispronounces] Mais oui.
And this handsome pooch is Spot Helperman,
and we have a 2:00 appointment.
Mmm, doesn't it smell nice in here?
[sniffing]
[thinking] Hmm, not bad.
A tad cloying, perhaps, but definitely appealing.
Hibiscus, lavender, and just a hint of patchouli.
Hello, mon petit chien.
My, my, aren't you a handsome fellow?
You're pretty sassy-boned yourself, sister.
All right, Mrs. Helperman, come back at 4:00,
and your Spot will be a new doggie.
All righty tighty. Bye-bye, Spot,
and don't worry. I'll be back before you know it.
[mispronounces] Au revoir!
[Thinking] Take your time.
And, Daphne, when I speak of this in years to come,
and I will,
I hope you don't mind if I embellish.
Mmm, I feel so good!
I smell so fine!
Oh, Daphne,
if only you were 20 years younger
and not of an entirely different species.
Heaven... I'm in heaven!
I'm going to be so pretty for my speech on the evils
of only caring about the way you look.
So I say to you,
what of my impossible beauty, my perfect form,
my impeccable style...
Are these superficial qualities the true measure of a man?
Of course not!
And, yet, I'm so gosh-darned good-looking.
Don't you just want to kiss me all over?
Plenty of me to go around.
[speaking French]
Oh, Spotty Spitter Spat Spoon Bread!
Look how handsome you are!
Come on. Let's go home and show Leonard!
Now, that's a good-looking fella.
What a gorgeous coat.
Wow, I must really be hot.
Wait till the kids at school get a load of --
Aah! In the words of the Marquis de Pompadour,
Oy gevalt!
I'm a p-p-poodle!
Miss Regina Bubblina Fancy Paws
at furallurekitty.Cat.
Shouldn't I be doing the typing?
I am, after all, the only one here with fingers.
You humans with your opposable thumbs.
Oh, look at me, I'm at the top of the evolutionary ladder.
I'm telling you, this cat can type.
Me, on the other hand -- I just hunt and peck.
Dear miss Regina Bubblina Fancy Paws,
I am your biggest fan...
You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.
...but more than that,
I feel a connection between us
that transcends the star/fan paradigm.
That'll get her purring.
Quiet. Mr. Jolly's writing from the heart.
You're both meshugeneh.
I'm telling you, you use a $2 word like "paradigm"
in a love letter, and it's bye-bye, big kitty.
Oh, you hush.
Your eyes are like saucers of milk.
Your fur is like the amber waves of grain.
This is just sad.
Here are we, Spot!
Safe and snuggly in our cozy little home.
Leonard, see if you can get Spot to come out of there.
For some reason, the trip to the groomer
has him all discom-booby-bodied.
Okay, Mom.
Hey, bunky, what's the matter?
Nothing. Nothing's the matter.
I'm just hanging out -- kicking back, man,
chillin' in my pet carrier.
It's cool. I'm cool.
Keepin' it real in here in the pet carrier.
Copacetic. Chillin'.
"Cool." sounds like a bad haircut to me.
Leonard, get the vacuum cleaner and suck him out of there!
All right, all right, I'm coming out!
Just don't laugh.
[all] We promise.
[all laugh]
Look! It's the world's first talking cotton swab!
Ha ha. We're so amused.
No one's even going to notice my stupid haircut
once they get a load of you.
I'm so glad you found your silver lining
in my dark cloud.
Should I be concerned that I'm actually starting to like it?
Sweet saffron soufflé!
What did she use on me -- waterproof mousse?
Eureka! This ought to take the bounce out of my bonnet!
Ahh...success.
And once again, Scott Leadready is too cool for school.
Maybe now you know how I feel.
Oh, no, this is much worse than that fishbelly white scalp of yours
showing through the head stubble, formerly known as your hair.
No way! At least you still have hair...
Er, fur.
Oh, really? And what do you think happens
when we show up at school tomorrow?
Oh, sure, you'll be mocked and ridiculed,
the taunting will be merciless,
and I've no doubt you'll be scarred for life.
But your hair will grow back,
and unless I miss my guess,
you'll get to maintain your status as a human being.
I, on the other hand, well...
[laughter]
Yes, I'll face the same slings and arrows
of outrageous insults, and then, someone will realize
that Scott Leadready has the exact same poodle cut
that Leonard Helperman's dog Spot
just happened to get yesterday afternoon.
Hey, Scott Leadready has the exact same poodle cut
that Leonard Helperman's dog Spot
just happened to get yesterday afternoon!
Uh...yeah?
So?
And your point would be?
People, open your eyes!
Scott Leadready looks like Leonard Helperman's dog Spot!
Wait a minute.
Scott Leadready doesn't just look like
Leonard Helperman's dog Spot,
Scott Leadready is Leonard Helperman's dog Spot!
See, I totally missed that.
Yeah... Me too.
That went right over my head.
Hey, dogs aren't allowed in school!
Get him!
[German accent] Here, fido!
Find the dog-boy!
Put him on a leash!
Follow the burgermeister!
Da! I bet he isn't even housebroken.
Are we there yet?
Sanctuary!
Which way did he go?
It's like he disappeared into thin air!
Ah! I wish whoever rings that bell would cut it out!
I'm going home!
These lederhosen are killing me.
Do you think they would let me use the bathroom
in the cathedral?
I told you to go before we left!
Why was I not made of stone as thee?
Oh, yeah, like I never heard that one before.
Oh, curse the day I ever set foot
in Daphne's Debonair Doggie Salon De Pets...
Although the imported hand-rolled gruyére cheese
dog biscuits were a nice touch.
The French just have a way with baked delicacies.
But I digress.
Hey, maybe we can both fake sick
and stay home until our hair grows back to normal.
It'll only take a few months.
Are you mad, boy?
I've got to go to school tomorrow
and deliver my passionate persuasive speech.
It's worth half my grade.
And it's a really good one.
Besides, all I have to do is keep my hair
pressed in this book overnight.
And by morning, I should be back
to my old rakishly handsome self.
Leonard, we could both go to school
looking the way we do, and who knows,
maybe it might make it a little easier on you,
but I'm a dog pretending to be a boy,
and if they see me like this,
it could mean the end of everything!
No more walking to school together,
no more sharing a lunch,
no more sticking up for each other on the playground.
So what are you going to do?
I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Leonard.
I'm about to ask you to make a sacrifice for me --
for us -- like I've never asked before.
Oh, no. No way.
No, no, no, no, no.
[laughter]
What? You've never seen lederhosen before?
Besides, if you guys think this is funny,
get a load of that!
You're a great decoy, Leonard.
As long as everyone's looking at you,
no one's looking at me.
Great. That makes it all worthwhile.
Hey, get out of the way, Scott.
You're blocking my view of Leonard.
Hey, leave him alone.
I've seen blue-bottomed baboons at the zoo
that don't look as funny as you!
Ha ha ha --
I'm choking on my own saliva.
That is the dorkiest haircut
in the history of the fourth grade.
That's the dorkiest haircut
in the history of the first grade.
Good one.
You're head looks like a litchi nut.
That's an insult to litchi nuts.
Super good one!
This is awful. What have I done?
My best friend in the whole world
is taking the heat for me.
If only there was something I could do,
something to save Leonard -- anything!
But what?
Oh, for crying out loud! What do I got to do,
hit you with a rolled-up newspaper?
Hey, you're not my conscience.
He's at a convention. I'm filling in.
Ah. All right then, I get the message.
Take off.
Okay. What's going on in here?
What's going on here
is a bunch of trend-chasing slaves to fashion
humiliating another human being.
Mrs. H., get out your grade book.
I feel a passionate persuasive speech coming on!
Friends, look at yourselves
and what you've become.
There, on the floor is a fellow student
who, up until a few moments ago,
you embraced as one of your own.
But now he cowers in a heap like...
A quivering flan --
the object of your ridicule and scorn.
And why? What, I ask you, has changed?
He looks even dorkier than usual?
The veins showing through his scalp
resemble the former Soviet Republic of Kazakhstan?
Cease and desist!
I'll tell you what has changed.
Leonard looks different --
different from you, who looks different from him,
who looks different from her, who looks different from her.
And I say, so what?
The fact of the matter is,
we all look different from someone.
You want to see funny? I'll show you funny.
There's your funny!
Ha ha ha ha! You want to laugh at something?
Laugh at this.
[laughter]
Jeez, do you have to take me so literally?
You look like my Aunt Mary's poodle Monique.
Quiet, creep show! I work alone.
Mental note to self --
check out Ian's Aunt Mary's poodle Monique.
Frankly, I didn't think Leonard's hair
looked all that great before he got it cut,
but outward appearances are not the measure of the man.
It's what's inside here that counts.
You mean guts?
No, I don't mean guts.
I was talking about courage and character and kindness
which my friend Leonard has more of
than anyone I've ever met.
And short hair or long,
Leonard Helperman will always be my good friend,
not because of how he looks,
but because of how he acts.
And I hope --
nay, I pray --
whether I look like Scott Leadready,
fourth grader extraordinaire,
or Ian's Aunt Mary's poodle Monique,
all of you will judge me not by my outward appearance
but what I have in here,
and continue to be my friends.
[sighs] Thank you.
Why, Scott, what a wonderful way to illustrate
the point of your speech.
Ha ha ha! Quadruple extra credit for you.
And bonus points for any of you
who can find ways to appreciate someone for looking different,
rather than just laughing at them.
Wow, you actually look taller!
I think it makes you look way cool, man.
I have a new appreciation for the differences
that enrich our culture.
Ha ha ha ha. You guys.
You're not just saying that for the bonus points?
Here we go.
Please turn away while I enter my password.
You think I care what your password is?
Please, I got better things to do with my life.
"Pretty kitty" -- that's your password?
You got to be kidding me.
Pretty repulsive kitty is more like it.
You looked. You are just a... dirty bird.
[computer beeps]
A letter! I have a letter! Oh, boy!
I have a letter, I have a letter.
Oh, for crying out loud, open it!
"A message from the Fur aMllure corporation,
a wholly-owned subsidiary
of Wakabayashi Worldwide Industries."
Oh. Oh, my goodness.
It's from Miss Regina Bubblina Fancy Paws!
It's a form letter, you ninny.
Oh, really? Would a form letter say this --
"Greetings, sir or madam.
Your patronage of the Fur Allure animal products
is most appreciated.
On behalf of Miss Regina Bubblina Fancy Paws --
registered trademark --
we'll be sending you 2 coupons for 50¢ off
your next Fur Allure purchase.
Sincerely, PPR&J advertising."
I knew it. See, I knew it.
It's like me and Miss Regina Bubblina
made a psychic love connection.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Hey, quit it! Cut it out!
Hey, you're ruffling my feathers!
Hey, this is sad! This is really sad!
I don't know, Scott.
Maybe we got by yesterday because of your speech
and bonus points and stuff, but I bet you
today everyone's just going to go back to normal
and laugh at us because we look so goofy.
Heck, I'd laugh at us if we weren't us.
I beg to differ, dear Leonard,
for I believe in the essential goodness of people.
I believe people can learn and grow
and become better.
Or copy a hot new trend when they see one.
Wannabes.