1 00:00:00,354 --> 00:00:01,479 ♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪ 2 00:00:01,563 --> 00:00:04,104 -♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪ 3 00:00:04,187 --> 00:00:05,813 ♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪ 4 00:00:05,896 --> 00:00:07,438 ♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪ 5 00:00:07,521 --> 00:00:08,354 ♪ He'd start to drool ♪ 6 00:00:08,438 --> 00:00:10,146 -♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪ 7 00:00:10,229 --> 00:00:11,855 ♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪ 8 00:00:11,938 --> 00:00:14,229 ♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪ 9 00:00:14,312 --> 00:00:16,604 ♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪ 10 00:00:16,688 --> 00:00:18,312 -♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪ 11 00:00:18,396 --> 00:00:19,646 ♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪ 12 00:00:19,730 --> 00:00:21,146 ♪ He's so over just being rover ♪ 13 00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:22,604 ♪ I gotta be a boy ♪ 14 00:00:22,688 --> 00:00:25,062 ♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪ 15 00:00:25,146 --> 00:00:26,688 ♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪ 16 00:00:26,771 --> 00:00:28,438 ♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪ 17 00:00:28,521 --> 00:00:30,980 Why can't I be a normal kid like any other? 18 00:00:31,062 --> 00:00:33,146 Now, doodle bug, listen to mother. 19 00:00:33,229 --> 00:00:34,938 ♪ I want to be a boy ♪ 20 00:00:35,021 --> 00:00:36,938 I hate dogs. 21 00:00:37,021 --> 00:00:39,479 ♪ I gotta be a boy ♪ 22 00:00:39,563 --> 00:00:41,479 ♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪ 23 00:00:41,563 --> 00:00:43,521 I do not wish to be a dog. 24 00:00:43,604 --> 00:00:46,104 ♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪ 25 00:00:46,187 --> 00:00:47,521 ♪ I got to be a boy ♪ 26 00:00:47,604 --> 00:00:49,104 ♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪ 27 00:00:49,187 --> 00:00:52,229 ♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪ 28 00:00:52,312 --> 00:00:54,146 Yes! 29 00:01:09,354 --> 00:01:11,354 Leonard, sweetie, it's time for school. 30 00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:12,938 We gotta lickety-scoot. 31 00:01:13,021 --> 00:01:15,521 Hot diggity! P.B. And J. 32 00:01:15,604 --> 00:01:18,271 And a delicious tangelo for dessert. 33 00:01:18,354 --> 00:01:21,396 Or is this an orangine? I can never tell. 34 00:01:21,479 --> 00:01:25,396 Peanut butter and jelly again? I'm a dog! 35 00:01:25,479 --> 00:01:27,396 Sure, George Washington Carver invented 36 00:01:27,479 --> 00:01:28,646 over 300 ways to use peanuts, 37 00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:30,521 but he couldn't come up with just one 38 00:01:30,604 --> 00:01:32,980 that doesn't stick to the roof of a dog's mouth. 39 00:01:34,271 --> 00:01:35,438 Happy? 40 00:01:35,521 --> 00:01:37,146 You're a pal! I owe ya. 41 00:01:37,229 --> 00:01:38,396 All righty then, let's go! 42 00:01:38,479 --> 00:01:41,646 Leaving? What about my breakfast? 43 00:01:41,730 --> 00:01:44,187 Most important meal of the day. 44 00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:45,980 Where's my milk?! 45 00:01:46,062 --> 00:01:48,479 Ugh! Think, kitty, think. 46 00:01:48,563 --> 00:01:50,271 Ah-- the purr thing. 47 00:01:50,354 --> 00:01:52,896 [purring] 48 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:56,771 Oh-- can't leave Mr. Jolly without his morning milk treat. 49 00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:58,521 Ooh, thank you, thank you, thank you. 50 00:01:58,604 --> 00:02:00,271 Now get out of the way. I'm starving. 51 00:02:01,354 --> 00:02:03,688 I hate when she drives him to school. 52 00:02:07,396 --> 00:02:08,396 Ahhhh. 53 00:02:08,479 --> 00:02:09,688 [burps] 54 00:02:09,771 --> 00:02:11,396 Pardonnez-moi. 55 00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:16,146 Now for a nice midmorning siesta. 56 00:02:16,229 --> 00:02:18,104 [snoring] 57 00:02:18,187 --> 00:02:20,354 [grumbling] 58 00:02:20,438 --> 00:02:22,312 Huh? Huh? What? 59 00:02:22,396 --> 00:02:24,855 Oh. It's quarter to 8:00. 60 00:02:24,938 --> 00:02:25,896 What? 61 00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,354 Quarter to 8:00. 62 00:02:27,438 --> 00:02:29,646 That's a wonderful impression of a cuckoo bird. 63 00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:31,938 But if you don't mind, I'm trying to sleep. 64 00:02:32,021 --> 00:02:34,354 I'll give you an impression-- right on your head! 65 00:02:34,438 --> 00:02:35,938 You asked me what time it was. 66 00:02:36,021 --> 00:02:38,229 I most certainly did not! 67 00:02:38,312 --> 00:02:40,521 And there is no need to take that tone 68 00:02:40,604 --> 00:02:42,521 just because you woke up on the wrong side of the perch. 69 00:02:42,604 --> 00:02:45,354 I didn't say a word-- not a chirp or even a peep! 70 00:02:45,438 --> 00:02:46,730 I'm telling you, it was you! 71 00:02:46,813 --> 00:02:50,479 That's ridiculous, absurd, and a little bit mean. 72 00:02:50,563 --> 00:02:52,187 [sloshing] 73 00:02:52,271 --> 00:02:54,271 Oh, sweet sandbox, no! 74 00:02:54,354 --> 00:02:58,312 That horrible, uncouth, almost-alien sound! 75 00:02:58,396 --> 00:02:59,980 [sloshing] 76 00:03:00,062 --> 00:03:01,271 It's coming from me! 77 00:03:01,354 --> 00:03:03,771 Congrats, Sherlock. Cracked another case. 78 00:03:03,855 --> 00:03:05,187 I don't know how you do it. 79 00:03:05,271 --> 00:03:06,229 [sloshing] 80 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:11,563 Kids, once in your elementary-school career 81 00:03:11,646 --> 00:03:16,146 do you get an opportunity such as I am about to offer you. 82 00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:19,396 I am giving this class the honor of performing 83 00:03:19,479 --> 00:03:22,896 at the annual district school principals' showcase! 84 00:03:22,980 --> 00:03:26,813 You will perform my personal favorite, 85 00:03:26,896 --> 00:03:29,604 the great American square dance! 86 00:03:29,688 --> 00:03:31,438 Square dancing? Ew! 87 00:03:31,521 --> 00:03:33,062 Come on! 88 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:37,938 What they mean by "ew" is, "we'd be honored." 89 00:03:38,021 --> 00:03:42,271 Yee-haw! A chance to dance in front of others-- 90 00:03:42,354 --> 00:03:43,771 in a square! 91 00:03:43,855 --> 00:03:46,938 That's the spirit! And, uh, one more thing-- 92 00:03:47,021 --> 00:03:50,438 Nash Brickler, the principal of Southwest East Westland, 93 00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:52,062 will be there, too, 94 00:03:52,146 --> 00:03:54,813 so let's have fun, put on a great show, 95 00:03:54,896 --> 00:03:58,187 and above all, make sure you don't embarrass me, 96 00:03:58,271 --> 00:04:01,354 or you'll regret it for the rest of your lives! 97 00:04:01,438 --> 00:04:04,021 Well, isn't that inspiring? 98 00:04:04,104 --> 00:04:08,438 Okey-dokey, then, let's push back your desks. 99 00:04:09,438 --> 00:04:11,146 Girls in one line, boys in another. 100 00:04:11,229 --> 00:04:13,021 You know what this means? 101 00:04:13,104 --> 00:04:15,980 Red rover, red rover, let the girls come over? 102 00:04:16,062 --> 00:04:17,312 No, this is my chance. 103 00:04:17,396 --> 00:04:19,646 I could be partnered with Leslie Dunkling. 104 00:04:19,730 --> 00:04:21,479 Mmm... not likely. 105 00:04:21,563 --> 00:04:23,104 Rules of random selection 106 00:04:23,187 --> 00:04:25,771 applied to the frequency interpretation formula, 107 00:04:25,855 --> 00:04:27,479 vis-à-vis statistical analysis, 108 00:04:27,563 --> 00:04:29,980 not to mention your unfailingly bad luck, 109 00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:31,271 weigh heavily against it. 110 00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:32,813 Kelsey and Taylor. 111 00:04:32,896 --> 00:04:34,229 Out of the way! 112 00:04:34,312 --> 00:04:36,813 I gotta stand here so I can be partnered 113 00:04:36,896 --> 00:04:38,438 with my girlfriend... 114 00:04:38,521 --> 00:04:40,771 Ruth. 115 00:04:40,855 --> 00:04:43,521 But if I refigure random chance-- 116 00:04:43,604 --> 00:04:46,938 insert square dancer Leonard over pi here, 117 00:04:47,021 --> 00:04:49,146 boy-girl cosine here, and... 118 00:04:49,229 --> 00:04:50,229 Move over, Darwin. 119 00:04:50,312 --> 00:04:52,354 I'm toying with natural selection. 120 00:04:52,438 --> 00:04:54,271 And Leslie Dunkling, 121 00:04:54,354 --> 00:04:57,229 you'll be with Leonard Helperman. 122 00:04:57,312 --> 00:04:58,604 Yes! 123 00:04:58,688 --> 00:05:00,896 Nothing a friend wouldn't do for a friend. 124 00:05:00,980 --> 00:05:02,980 Besides, I owed you for that ham slice. 125 00:05:03,062 --> 00:05:05,271 And, Ruth, your partner is Scott Leadready II. 126 00:05:05,354 --> 00:05:06,271 Huh? 127 00:05:06,354 --> 00:05:09,813 Hey! I'm supposed to be with Ruth! 128 00:05:09,896 --> 00:05:12,229 I had myself all lined up! 129 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,521 Thank you. 130 00:05:13,604 --> 00:05:16,271 You did until Scott Leadready slipped into your space. 131 00:05:16,354 --> 00:05:19,438 Nice work, you sly dog, you! 132 00:05:19,521 --> 00:05:20,730 [snarls] 133 00:05:20,813 --> 00:05:23,771 Me, a dog? I don't know what you're talking about. 134 00:05:23,855 --> 00:05:26,271 Just a figure of speech, Tallulah! 135 00:05:26,354 --> 00:05:28,354 He stole my Ruth! 136 00:05:28,438 --> 00:05:31,271 And, Ian Wazselewski, as odd boy out, 137 00:05:31,354 --> 00:05:33,354 I'm making you honorary caller. 138 00:05:33,438 --> 00:05:37,021 Finally, my oddness has paid off! 139 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,563 Okay. What do I get to do? 140 00:05:39,646 --> 00:05:43,021 You get to stand by the record player and do nothing. 141 00:05:43,104 --> 00:05:44,980 What's a record player? 142 00:05:45,062 --> 00:05:47,354 Okay, everybody, a few basics-- caller here. 143 00:05:47,479 --> 00:05:49,354 That makes the closest couple the head couple. 144 00:05:49,438 --> 00:05:51,229 To their right, the second couple. 145 00:05:51,312 --> 00:05:53,604 That makes this the third couple, and this the fourth. 146 00:05:53,688 --> 00:05:56,438 Be warned, Scott Leadready II-- 147 00:05:56,521 --> 00:06:00,688 you'll regret the day you came between me and the girl I love! 148 00:06:00,771 --> 00:06:03,354 I'll be watching your every move! 149 00:06:03,438 --> 00:06:05,062 You won't see me... 150 00:06:05,146 --> 00:06:06,896 'Cause I'll be lurking! 151 00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:08,479 How will that be any different than usual? 152 00:06:08,563 --> 00:06:10,813 Girls are called "ladies," and boys, "gents." 153 00:06:10,896 --> 00:06:12,146 Lucky for us. 154 00:06:12,229 --> 00:06:14,479 Watch and learn. Shall we? 155 00:06:17,146 --> 00:06:20,521 My mom and Principal Strickler? How embarrassing! 156 00:06:20,604 --> 00:06:21,896 Hit it, Mr. Wazselewski! 157 00:06:25,855 --> 00:06:28,062 [square-dance music plays] 158 00:06:29,146 --> 00:06:30,813 ♪ Grab your partner by the hand ♪ 159 00:06:30,896 --> 00:06:32,396 ♪ Swing her 'round this great big land ♪ 160 00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,312 ♪ Corral your dogie with your right ♪ 161 00:06:34,396 --> 00:06:36,938 ♪ Twirl her 'round with all your might ♪ 162 00:06:37,062 --> 00:06:38,479 [finale plays] 163 00:06:40,563 --> 00:06:43,396 You better keep your distance! 164 00:06:43,479 --> 00:06:45,312 It's a square dance. You have to hold hands. 165 00:06:45,396 --> 00:06:47,146 Otherwise, it's break dancing. 166 00:06:50,771 --> 00:06:53,688 Sorry, Leonard. I-I-I just can't. 167 00:06:54,980 --> 00:06:56,354 Oh, no. 168 00:06:56,438 --> 00:06:57,730 What's the matter? 169 00:06:57,813 --> 00:06:59,229 My hands got all sweaty. 170 00:06:59,312 --> 00:07:01,563 Is it the dancing? You don't know how to dance? 171 00:07:01,646 --> 00:07:03,438 Or are you nervous about Leslie? 172 00:07:03,521 --> 00:07:05,855 I think it's all those things. 173 00:07:05,938 --> 00:07:08,688 Why couldn't you be a dog like everybody else's dog 174 00:07:08,771 --> 00:07:09,938 and stay at home? 175 00:07:10,021 --> 00:07:13,604 Why'd you have to go to school? Why'd you have to pair us up? 176 00:07:13,688 --> 00:07:14,855 Hold up, there, pilgrim. 177 00:07:14,938 --> 00:07:17,271 I got you into this mess. I'll get you out. 178 00:07:20,688 --> 00:07:22,021 [snoring] 179 00:07:23,896 --> 00:07:24,938 [snoring] 180 00:07:25,021 --> 00:07:27,563 [growling, sloshing] 181 00:07:30,938 --> 00:07:32,938 [growling, sloshing] 182 00:07:33,229 --> 00:07:35,688 Hey, stick a sock in it. I'm going crazy here. 183 00:07:35,771 --> 00:07:37,938 I can't sleep, I can't hear my soaps! 184 00:07:38,021 --> 00:07:40,021 Believe me, I'm trying to keep it quiet, 185 00:07:40,104 --> 00:07:41,438 but nothing I do helps. 186 00:07:41,521 --> 00:07:42,980 [growling, sloshing] 187 00:07:45,312 --> 00:07:46,896 [sloshing] 188 00:07:47,938 --> 00:07:49,021 [sloshing] 189 00:07:49,271 --> 00:07:50,813 Okay, that's the last straw. 190 00:07:50,896 --> 00:07:52,187 Here, chew on this grass. 191 00:07:52,271 --> 00:07:53,604 I understand it's good 192 00:07:53,688 --> 00:07:55,938 for anything with four paws and fur. 193 00:07:56,021 --> 00:07:57,312 [mumbles] 194 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:00,938 I feel worse! 195 00:08:01,021 --> 00:08:03,271 Of course you feel worse. You just ate grass. 196 00:08:03,354 --> 00:08:04,604 Try this cod-liver oil. 197 00:08:04,688 --> 00:08:06,855 Sailors swear by this stuff. 198 00:08:06,938 --> 00:08:07,896 Oy! 199 00:08:07,980 --> 00:08:10,312 Now I know why they swear. It tastes awful. 200 00:08:10,396 --> 00:08:12,688 [growling] 201 00:08:12,813 --> 00:08:14,563 I was saving the big guns for last. 202 00:08:14,646 --> 00:08:16,479 Here-- nibble on these sunflower seeds. 203 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:18,104 It's an old family remedy. 204 00:08:20,146 --> 00:08:21,563 Mmm. 205 00:08:23,563 --> 00:08:25,354 Hey, I don't hear a thing. 206 00:08:25,396 --> 00:08:27,021 That's better, right? 207 00:08:27,104 --> 00:08:28,229 I'm quiet! 208 00:08:28,312 --> 00:08:29,521 I'm quiet. 209 00:08:29,604 --> 00:08:31,312 [rumbling] 210 00:08:31,479 --> 00:08:32,646 [burps] 211 00:08:32,730 --> 00:08:34,187 But I'm sick! 212 00:08:34,271 --> 00:08:36,771 I think your problem is all in your head. 213 00:08:36,855 --> 00:08:37,855 It's in my hands. 214 00:08:37,938 --> 00:08:39,354 Work with me here. 215 00:08:39,438 --> 00:08:42,146 [German accent] What would Sigmund Freud, 216 00:08:42,229 --> 00:08:45,479 the father of modern psychiatry, do in this situation? 217 00:08:45,563 --> 00:08:46,938 Ein rorschach test... 218 00:08:47,021 --> 00:08:48,271 [sighs] 219 00:08:48,354 --> 00:08:50,187 ["The Blue Danube" playing] 220 00:08:50,271 --> 00:08:52,938 ...or what you would call "the inkblot test." 221 00:08:53,021 --> 00:08:54,688 What does this look like? 222 00:08:54,771 --> 00:08:55,980 Leslie. 223 00:08:56,062 --> 00:08:57,062 Und this? 224 00:08:57,146 --> 00:08:59,521 Leslie running away from my wet hands. 225 00:08:59,604 --> 00:09:00,855 Und this? 226 00:09:00,938 --> 00:09:02,980 Me, dancing by myself. 227 00:09:03,062 --> 00:09:04,021 That's it! 228 00:09:04,104 --> 00:09:06,438 I have the answer to your problems! 229 00:09:06,521 --> 00:09:08,354 What? What? Can you help me? 230 00:09:08,438 --> 00:09:10,312 Ooh, sorry. Your time is up. 231 00:09:10,396 --> 00:09:12,563 [normal voice] Ha ha! Just kidding! 232 00:09:12,646 --> 00:09:15,062 You just need confidence on the dance floor. 233 00:09:15,146 --> 00:09:16,980 Then your problem will go away. 234 00:09:17,062 --> 00:09:18,104 Of course, I can help. 235 00:09:18,187 --> 00:09:21,104 Dancing is in my blood. 236 00:09:21,187 --> 00:09:22,980 I am dance! 237 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:26,521 When man stumbled from his cave and discovered fire, 238 00:09:26,604 --> 00:09:28,062 I was there. 239 00:09:28,146 --> 00:09:30,896 When Terpsichore the muse inspired the Greeks, 240 00:09:30,980 --> 00:09:32,271 I was there. 241 00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:33,938 So was Helen of Troy. 242 00:09:34,021 --> 00:09:35,229 Ooh, what a babe! 243 00:09:35,312 --> 00:09:38,021 When King Henry VIII got married, 244 00:09:38,104 --> 00:09:40,521 I was there-- all six times. 245 00:09:40,604 --> 00:09:42,062 He loved to dance! 246 00:09:42,146 --> 00:09:45,521 Wherever families come together to celebrate weddings, 247 00:09:45,604 --> 00:09:48,187 oh, I'll be there! 248 00:09:48,271 --> 00:09:50,312 What better way to keep from talking to the new in-laws? 249 00:09:50,396 --> 00:09:51,771 Hear that rhythm? 250 00:09:51,855 --> 00:09:54,938 It's the rhythm of life-- like a heartbeat. 251 00:09:55,021 --> 00:09:58,062 Leonard, stop thinking about dancing. 252 00:09:58,146 --> 00:09:59,438 Become the dance! 253 00:09:59,521 --> 00:10:01,521 [show music playing] 254 00:10:01,604 --> 00:10:02,646 Ow! 255 00:10:02,730 --> 00:10:03,938 Sorry-- sorry. 256 00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:05,229 [grunting] 257 00:10:05,312 --> 00:10:08,021 No problem. You're light as a feather. 258 00:10:08,104 --> 00:10:10,813 It's all right. I've got three more. 259 00:10:10,896 --> 00:10:13,312 What if I step on Leslie's foot? 260 00:10:13,396 --> 00:10:15,062 Ow! Ow, ow! 261 00:10:15,146 --> 00:10:16,146 Ugh! You clod! 262 00:10:16,229 --> 00:10:18,187 I'll never dance with you again! 263 00:10:18,271 --> 00:10:20,938 Oh, you won't be worrying about stepping on her foot. 264 00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,938 You'll be too busy listening to the caller. 265 00:10:23,021 --> 00:10:25,980 Wouldn't want to be do-si-doing when you should be promenading! 266 00:10:26,062 --> 00:10:27,938 Or allemande left instead of right. 267 00:10:28,021 --> 00:10:29,229 I didn't even think 268 00:10:29,312 --> 00:10:31,021 of all the other things that could go wrong! 269 00:10:31,104 --> 00:10:33,104 Oops-- me and my big mouth. 270 00:10:33,187 --> 00:10:34,980 Trust me, kid, you can do it! 271 00:10:37,021 --> 00:10:38,604 Mmm. 272 00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:39,855 [growling] 273 00:10:39,938 --> 00:10:40,855 That's it! 274 00:10:40,938 --> 00:10:43,146 Time to get to the bottom of this colonic cacophony. 275 00:10:43,229 --> 00:10:44,521 Heartbeat's fine. 276 00:10:44,604 --> 00:10:46,104 How old are you? 60? 70? 277 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,855 What? I'm not that old. 278 00:10:48,938 --> 00:10:50,896 Cat years-- I'm taking cat years here! 279 00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:52,271 You're not as young as you used to be. 280 00:10:52,354 --> 00:10:53,688 What did you eat today? 281 00:10:53,771 --> 00:10:55,312 Oh. Well, uh, the usual-- 282 00:10:55,396 --> 00:10:58,062 milk, cream, cheese, cream cheese, 283 00:10:58,146 --> 00:11:00,646 ice cream, ice milk, buttermilk... 284 00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:02,813 But I don't see what that-- 285 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:05,479 wake up and smell the cholesterol, cheese brain! 286 00:11:05,563 --> 00:11:07,062 You're lactose intolerant. 287 00:11:07,146 --> 00:11:10,104 That's why your innards make loud, embarrassing noises. 288 00:11:10,187 --> 00:11:12,730 Lactose intolerant? Don't be ridiculous! 289 00:11:12,813 --> 00:11:16,062 How could I be intolerant of something I love so much? 290 00:11:17,980 --> 00:11:19,229 [growling, sloshing] 291 00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,396 Great balls of gouda, you're right! 292 00:11:21,479 --> 00:11:22,563 What can I do? 293 00:11:22,646 --> 00:11:24,146 Just say no to milk, cheese, 294 00:11:24,229 --> 00:11:26,479 and all milky, cheesy byproducts. 295 00:11:26,563 --> 00:11:27,604 Oh! 296 00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:29,146 So let me get this straight-- 297 00:11:29,229 --> 00:11:32,021 you're suggesting a life without dairy? 298 00:11:32,104 --> 00:11:33,521 Exactly. 299 00:11:33,604 --> 00:11:35,021 Ooh, the vapors! 300 00:11:37,771 --> 00:11:39,146 And so, sir, you can see 301 00:11:39,229 --> 00:11:41,563 why I need to be excused from square-dancing. 302 00:11:41,646 --> 00:11:43,688 Oh, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard... 303 00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:45,271 In all my years as principal, 304 00:11:45,354 --> 00:11:47,604 that is the best excuse I ever heard. 305 00:11:47,688 --> 00:11:49,855 And I'm sure if you were to submit it 306 00:11:49,938 --> 00:11:51,938 to the make-an-excuse foundation, 307 00:11:52,021 --> 00:11:54,563 they would gladly make you their poster child. 308 00:11:54,646 --> 00:11:55,980 Now get this through 309 00:11:56,062 --> 00:11:59,563 your fourth-grade, video-game-besotted brain-- 310 00:11:59,646 --> 00:12:02,062 no one graduates from this school 311 00:12:02,146 --> 00:12:03,896 without square-dancing! 312 00:12:03,980 --> 00:12:06,104 Do I make myself clear?! 313 00:12:11,688 --> 00:12:13,813 [square-dance music playing] 314 00:12:17,229 --> 00:12:19,271 ♪ Bow to your partner, Reach for their hand ♪ 315 00:12:19,354 --> 00:12:21,146 ♪ Spin 'em in a circle to the Beat of the band ♪ 316 00:12:21,229 --> 00:12:22,980 ♪ Promenade all around the hall ♪ 317 00:12:23,062 --> 00:12:26,813 ♪ Head on home, and do-si-do all ♪ 318 00:12:33,688 --> 00:12:35,062 ♪ Grab your partner by the hand ♪ 319 00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:36,813 ♪ Swing her 'round this great big land ♪ 320 00:12:36,896 --> 00:12:38,813 ♪ Corral your dogie with your right ♪ 321 00:12:38,896 --> 00:12:41,896 ♪ Twirl her 'round with all your might ♪ 322 00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:46,187 [gasping] 323 00:12:46,396 --> 00:12:48,604 [gasps] 324 00:12:53,271 --> 00:12:54,187 Huh? 325 00:12:54,271 --> 00:12:55,980 Leonard! 326 00:12:56,062 --> 00:12:57,980 Leonard, wake up. 327 00:12:58,062 --> 00:12:58,980 Huh? 328 00:12:59,062 --> 00:13:01,062 I was square-dancing with Leslie, 329 00:13:01,146 --> 00:13:03,396 and everything was fine until we touched hands. 330 00:13:03,479 --> 00:13:04,896 I-I started sweating and-- 331 00:13:04,980 --> 00:13:07,438 It's okay. You were having a nightmare. 332 00:13:07,521 --> 00:13:09,312 Not a whimpering, obedience-school, 333 00:13:09,396 --> 00:13:12,563 show-up-late-for-the-final-exam, haven't-been-there-all-semester, 334 00:13:12,646 --> 00:13:14,354 kick-your-legs kind of nightmare, 335 00:13:14,438 --> 00:13:15,896 but a nightmare nonetheless. 336 00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:17,688 Maybe it was all a bad dream. 337 00:13:17,771 --> 00:13:18,938 None of it happened. 338 00:13:19,021 --> 00:13:20,980 There is no square-dance showcase! 339 00:13:21,062 --> 00:13:22,479 I'm not dancing with Leslie! 340 00:13:22,563 --> 00:13:23,896 My palms were never sweaty. 341 00:13:23,980 --> 00:13:25,938 [Mrs. Helperman] Rise and shine! 342 00:13:26,021 --> 00:13:28,896 Got a great big surprise for my great big square-dancing boy! 343 00:13:29,146 --> 00:13:32,646 Hey, maybe this is a hackie, clichéd psycho-thriller film, 344 00:13:32,730 --> 00:13:35,062 and you'll wake up a second time. 345 00:13:35,146 --> 00:13:37,271 Do-si-do your tush out of the bed! 346 00:13:37,354 --> 00:13:38,771 Nope, it's reality. 347 00:13:38,855 --> 00:13:41,104 So, what do you think, honey? 348 00:13:43,021 --> 00:13:45,187 Isn't it the bee's knees? 349 00:13:45,271 --> 00:13:46,104 Uh... 350 00:13:46,187 --> 00:13:48,021 And look-- I made you a matching shirt 351 00:13:48,104 --> 00:13:49,688 from the leftover material. 352 00:13:49,771 --> 00:13:51,563 Ha ha-- waste not, want not. 353 00:13:51,646 --> 00:13:53,938 Mom, how could you do such a thing? 354 00:13:54,021 --> 00:13:57,021 I thought matching homemade outfits would be nice. 355 00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,896 Only geeks wear homemade square-dancing shirts! 356 00:14:01,521 --> 00:14:03,187 Oh, Tallulah... 357 00:14:03,271 --> 00:14:05,021 Only the coolest people 358 00:14:05,104 --> 00:14:08,062 wear homemade square-dancing shirts. 359 00:14:08,146 --> 00:14:13,354 Oh, Mr. Jolly-wolly, I almost forgot your treat! 360 00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:18,438 Remember, you can't have this stuff! 361 00:14:18,521 --> 00:14:21,021 I know I shouldn't drink it, 362 00:14:21,104 --> 00:14:22,938 but it's sitting there right in front of me, 363 00:14:23,021 --> 00:14:25,229 calling to me-- it's begging me to drink it! 364 00:14:25,312 --> 00:14:26,438 I can't let you. 365 00:14:26,521 --> 00:14:29,104 You know what it will do to your stomach-- and my ears! 366 00:14:29,187 --> 00:14:31,062 Those horrible, offensive sounds! 367 00:14:31,146 --> 00:14:32,479 But look at me! 368 00:14:32,563 --> 00:14:35,396 I'm wasting away. I'm just skin and bones! 369 00:14:35,479 --> 00:14:36,479 You're skin and fat. 370 00:14:36,563 --> 00:14:38,855 [evil voice] Get out of the way, 371 00:14:38,938 --> 00:14:40,646 or I'll go right through you! 372 00:14:40,730 --> 00:14:41,980 That's it. 373 00:14:42,062 --> 00:14:44,980 I have no recourse but to revert to aversion therapy. 374 00:14:45,062 --> 00:14:47,646 This is gonna hurt you more than it's going to hurt me! 375 00:14:53,146 --> 00:14:55,354 What do you think of your precious milk now?! 376 00:14:55,438 --> 00:14:56,688 It's bathwater! 377 00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:58,980 You want to drink feather-soaked bathwater?! 378 00:14:59,062 --> 00:15:00,312 It's disgusting! 379 00:15:02,271 --> 00:15:04,938 Hey, why are you looking at me that way? 380 00:15:05,021 --> 00:15:06,271 Get away from me! 381 00:15:06,354 --> 00:15:08,146 Aaaaah! 382 00:15:08,229 --> 00:15:11,062 [growling, sloshing] 383 00:15:11,146 --> 00:15:12,980 [ringing] 384 00:15:13,187 --> 00:15:15,062 Okey-dokey, Principal Strickler, 385 00:15:15,146 --> 00:15:16,187 we're ready to rehearse. 386 00:15:16,271 --> 00:15:18,062 Excellent, Mrs. Helperman. 387 00:15:18,146 --> 00:15:19,813 You can do this, Leonard. 388 00:15:19,896 --> 00:15:22,187 You are a picture of confidence. 389 00:15:22,271 --> 00:15:23,771 Say, "I'm confident." 390 00:15:23,855 --> 00:15:24,813 I'm confident. 391 00:15:24,896 --> 00:15:25,980 Confident... 392 00:15:26,062 --> 00:15:27,896 I'm confident. I'm-- 393 00:15:27,980 --> 00:15:30,104 [squeals] Sweating like a pig. 394 00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:31,688 Ugh. 395 00:15:31,771 --> 00:15:35,187 Okay. Plan "B"-- we attack the symptoms. 396 00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:40,354 This should keep your hands dry... 397 00:15:40,438 --> 00:15:43,312 And springtime fresh, hour after hour, 398 00:15:43,396 --> 00:15:45,980 because you are a woman on the go. 399 00:15:47,521 --> 00:15:49,521 Sorry. It's your mother's antiperspirant. 400 00:15:49,604 --> 00:15:50,730 I was in a bind. 401 00:15:50,813 --> 00:15:52,980 What the heck-- you're in the pits anyway. 402 00:16:00,062 --> 00:16:02,021 Oh, no-- clammy hands! 403 00:16:03,855 --> 00:16:06,938 Plan "C"-- hypnosis. 404 00:16:08,896 --> 00:16:11,521 Look deep into my eyes. 405 00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:13,312 You are sleepy. 406 00:16:13,396 --> 00:16:16,563 You're not in Mrs. Helperman's fourth-grade classroom. 407 00:16:16,646 --> 00:16:18,938 You're in the foreign legion, marching-- 408 00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:21,104 marching in the dry desert heat. 409 00:16:21,187 --> 00:16:23,938 Sapped of every ounce of liquid, you're parched. 410 00:16:24,021 --> 00:16:26,563 When I snap my fingers, you will awaken, 411 00:16:26,646 --> 00:16:28,896 and your hands will be dry. 412 00:16:28,980 --> 00:16:30,229 Anything? 413 00:16:30,312 --> 00:16:31,438 Nope. 414 00:16:38,396 --> 00:16:40,980 Nothing's working. What am I gonna do? 415 00:16:41,062 --> 00:16:43,354 Hey, pal, don't get down on yourself. 416 00:16:43,438 --> 00:16:45,021 We're only up to plan "D." 417 00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:47,479 There's 26 letters in the alphabet. 418 00:16:47,563 --> 00:16:48,980 Ergo, 22 letters remain. 419 00:16:49,062 --> 00:16:51,396 I don't have time for 22 plans. 420 00:16:51,479 --> 00:16:52,980 The dance is tomorrow! 421 00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:54,187 That's okay. 422 00:16:54,271 --> 00:16:57,021 I couldn't come up with 22 plans anyway. 423 00:16:57,104 --> 00:16:58,354 I do have one plan. 424 00:16:58,438 --> 00:17:00,855 I was saving it for last. 425 00:17:00,938 --> 00:17:02,730 It's crazy, but... 426 00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:05,146 Just crazy enough to work. 427 00:17:05,229 --> 00:17:06,896 What is it? I'll try anything. 428 00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:08,271 It's called the truth. 429 00:17:08,354 --> 00:17:11,021 You're gonna have to face Leslie and tell her the truth, 430 00:17:11,104 --> 00:17:13,229 the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 431 00:17:13,312 --> 00:17:14,938 That's your plan? 432 00:17:15,021 --> 00:17:18,855 "I'm a sweaty-palmed, square-dancing freak." 433 00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:21,312 Not exactly the words I'd use, 434 00:17:21,396 --> 00:17:22,396 but you get the gist. 435 00:17:32,646 --> 00:17:36,229 Oh, everybody looks so hoedownedly dapper! 436 00:17:39,021 --> 00:17:41,980 Whoa, partner! Let me corral that cowlick. 437 00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:44,354 Mom! 438 00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,146 Scott, what a cute shirt. 439 00:17:46,229 --> 00:17:47,312 It matches my dress. 440 00:17:47,396 --> 00:17:50,730 You have the same taste in western wear that I do. 441 00:17:50,813 --> 00:17:52,730 Places, everyone! 442 00:17:53,813 --> 00:17:55,896 Listen, son, I know you're nervous, scared, 443 00:17:55,980 --> 00:17:58,021 got a lot riding on your shoulders, 444 00:17:58,104 --> 00:18:00,146 feel like you wanna crawl into a hole and die. 445 00:18:00,229 --> 00:18:02,980 So I'm gonna tell you what my principal said to me 446 00:18:03,062 --> 00:18:04,521 the first time I stepped out 447 00:18:04,604 --> 00:18:06,771 in front of a square-dancing crowd. 448 00:18:06,855 --> 00:18:07,813 I think it'll help. 449 00:18:07,896 --> 00:18:09,438 Mess this up, 450 00:18:09,521 --> 00:18:12,771 and I'll hold you back for the next six years! 451 00:18:16,771 --> 00:18:18,021 Remember, Leonard, 452 00:18:18,104 --> 00:18:20,646 the truth shall set you free. 453 00:18:20,730 --> 00:18:21,896 This may sound strange 454 00:18:21,980 --> 00:18:24,104 coming from a dog pretending to be a boy, 455 00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:27,146 but until you let the world see you as you really are, 456 00:18:27,229 --> 00:18:28,438 sweaty palms and all, 457 00:18:28,521 --> 00:18:29,938 you'll never be happy. 458 00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:32,855 I guess you're right. 459 00:18:32,938 --> 00:18:35,062 I've gotta tell the truth. 460 00:18:35,146 --> 00:18:37,062 I've got to tell the truth. 461 00:18:37,146 --> 00:18:40,146 Leslie...I have something to tell you. 462 00:18:40,229 --> 00:18:42,604 Leonard, I have something to tell you. 463 00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:44,896 You do? 464 00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:48,187 The reason I never wanted to hold your hands is... 465 00:18:48,271 --> 00:18:49,896 Because I'm embarrassed. 466 00:18:49,980 --> 00:18:52,730 I-I never danced with a boy before, 467 00:18:52,813 --> 00:18:54,730 and my hands got all sweaty. 468 00:18:54,813 --> 00:18:57,563 I thought you would think I was yucky. 469 00:18:57,646 --> 00:18:58,938 You? Yucky? 470 00:18:59,021 --> 00:19:01,771 Oh, no, Leslie. I'm yucky. 471 00:19:01,855 --> 00:19:03,646 I'm the yuckiest kid in the class. 472 00:19:03,730 --> 00:19:05,021 The reason I avoided holding your hand 473 00:19:05,104 --> 00:19:07,104 is 'cause my hands are sweaty. 474 00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:09,563 You're not just saying that to be nice, 475 00:19:09,646 --> 00:19:11,271 are you, Leonard Helperman? 476 00:19:11,354 --> 00:19:13,479 No, my hands are really sweaty. 477 00:19:13,563 --> 00:19:15,062 I've tried everything, 478 00:19:15,146 --> 00:19:18,271 but I guess I'm so nervous, my hands just sweat. 479 00:19:18,354 --> 00:19:19,813 Mine too! 480 00:19:19,896 --> 00:19:21,062 -Yay! -Yay! 481 00:19:21,146 --> 00:19:22,479 Ha ha! Yeah! 482 00:19:22,563 --> 00:19:23,688 Can you believe it? 483 00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:25,688 I'm not the only one with sweaty palms. 484 00:19:25,771 --> 00:19:27,021 Leslie's got them, too. 485 00:19:27,104 --> 00:19:29,563 I guess you've learned something important, Leonard. 486 00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:31,813 In that sea of sweat, there is an island, 487 00:19:31,896 --> 00:19:34,813 and that island is called "you are not alone." 488 00:19:34,896 --> 00:19:38,855 Perhaps now you'll understand why no man is an island. 489 00:19:38,938 --> 00:19:41,021 [feedback] 490 00:19:42,980 --> 00:19:45,604 Ladies and gentlemen, fellow principals, 491 00:19:45,688 --> 00:19:48,312 I present the East Westland fourth graders 492 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,021 of Mrs. Helperman's class, 493 00:19:50,104 --> 00:19:53,730 who will demonstrate a classic American folk tradition-- 494 00:19:53,813 --> 00:19:54,980 the square dance! 495 00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:08,813 [square-dance music plays] 496 00:20:08,896 --> 00:20:11,271 ♪ Bow to your partner, Reach for their hand ♪ 497 00:20:11,354 --> 00:20:12,479 ♪ Spin 'em in a circle to the Beat of the band ♪ 498 00:20:12,563 --> 00:20:14,021 ♪ Promenade all around the hall ♪ 499 00:20:14,104 --> 00:20:16,187 ♪ Head on home and do-si-do all ♪ 500 00:20:17,438 --> 00:20:20,229 You're finished, Scott Leadready II! 501 00:20:20,312 --> 00:20:23,938 Behold the wrath of Ian Wazselewski's scorn! 502 00:20:24,646 --> 00:20:26,354 ♪ Let go of that girl, She's full of germs ♪ 503 00:20:26,438 --> 00:20:28,604 ♪ Wiggle on the floor like a Bunch of worms ♪ 504 00:20:28,688 --> 00:20:30,396 ♪ Spin Scott Leadready till he's dizzy ♪ 505 00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:31,938 ♪ Muss his hair and make it frizzy ♪ 506 00:20:32,021 --> 00:20:33,688 [snorts, laughs] 507 00:20:33,771 --> 00:20:36,563 ♪ Allemande left and stick out your tush ♪ 508 00:20:36,646 --> 00:20:39,229 ♪ When Scott comes along, Just give him a push ♪ 509 00:20:39,312 --> 00:20:40,980 [audience gasps] 510 00:20:41,062 --> 00:20:42,312 [gasping] 511 00:20:44,146 --> 00:20:47,146 [weakly] Keep dancing. 512 00:20:47,229 --> 00:20:49,521 The show must go on! 513 00:20:49,604 --> 00:20:51,229 [cheering] 514 00:20:51,312 --> 00:20:53,938 [square-dance music plays] 515 00:21:00,021 --> 00:21:02,062 Son, you are gifted. 516 00:21:02,146 --> 00:21:04,813 Never before have I witnessed such an exquisite call. 517 00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:08,980 You have a brilliant future in the dance we call "square"! 518 00:21:11,021 --> 00:21:13,563 Be strong, Jolly. 519 00:21:13,646 --> 00:21:15,563 Ugh! Ugh! I want it. 520 00:21:15,646 --> 00:21:19,396 But I mustn't! Oh, please give me strength! 521 00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:21,229 [grunting] 522 00:21:28,604 --> 00:21:31,646 Oh, dearie-- he really doesn't like it. 523 00:21:31,730 --> 00:21:34,312 I guess my little soy milk experiment didn't work. 524 00:21:34,396 --> 00:21:36,813 Soy milk? Are you kidding me? 525 00:21:36,896 --> 00:21:39,062 No wonder my tummy was upset. 526 00:21:39,146 --> 00:21:41,438 I don't drink milk from beans. 527 00:21:44,896 --> 00:21:46,104 Moo! 528 00:21:46,187 --> 00:21:50,062 Ah, ambrosia-- sweet nectar of the gods! 529 00:21:51,646 --> 00:21:53,521 Mmm. 530 00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:56,187 Nothing-- not a sound. 531 00:21:56,271 --> 00:21:58,771 Whoo-hoo! Hallelujah! 532 00:21:58,855 --> 00:22:00,730 Peace at last! 533 00:22:03,521 --> 00:22:05,855 Well, guess we'll have to get that extra weight 534 00:22:05,938 --> 00:22:08,021 off my little purry-wurry with a diet. 535 00:22:08,104 --> 00:22:09,771 Huh? 536 00:22:09,855 --> 00:22:12,104 Ohh!