♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪
-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪
♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪
♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪
♪ He'd start to drool ♪
-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪
♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪
♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪
♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪
-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪
♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪
♪ He's so over just being rover ♪
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪
♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪
♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪
Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?
Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.
♪ I want to be a boy ♪
I hate dogs.
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪
I do not wish to be a dog.
♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪
♪ I got to be a boy ♪
♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪
♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪
Yes!
The word is "antidisestablishmentarianism."
A-L-M-A-Z-Z-R-I-I-T...
Z-M.
The word is still "antidisestablishmentarianism."
A-N-T-I-D-I-S-E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H- M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M.
Correct!
[cheering]
Congratulations, Scott Leadready II.
You are hereby proclaimed champion speller
of Fala D. Roosevelt Elementary School
and our representative at this year's county spelling bee!
I am? Oh, joy of joys!
I'm king of the universe!
I was robbed by the man!
What do you see there, my boy?
Uh, a dead spider being carted away
by a bunch of ants?
[blows] Now what do you see?
I see an empty trophy case, sir.
That's right, son, and the reason it's empty
is because that darned West East Westland Elementary
always beats us.
And my rival principal there, Nash Brickler,
never misses an opportunity to rub it in my face.
[imitating Brickler] Sorry we took first place again, Crosby,
while you were tied for last-- with the school for losers!
But this time, we're gonna show Nash Brickler
that we can bring home
that glorious second place trophy at last.
Why not first place?
Eric Mark Krabitz is why--
the best speller in the history of this school district,
maybe any school district-- he's never been beat.
Well, sir, blow a little more dust off the old trophy shelf,
because Eric Mark Krabitz has just met his match!
Can it be true? Do you really mean...
Hello? West East Westland Elementary.
Home of the Spelling Spartans. Nash Brickler speaking.
Hey, Brickler, spell this-- "runner-up"!
As in second best! As in lo-o-o-ser!
[hangs up]
Hello? Hello? Darn kids!
[snoring]
Oh, Pretty Boy.
Hmm?
Guess what time it is?
Time to give the person who woke me up such a zets
it'll give his whole family a headache?!
Ta-da!
You disturbed my beauty rest
to show me a glockenspiel on wheels?!
No. [dings]
I disturbed your beauty rest because you said it would be
a hot day in December before you'd give me singing lessons.
Remember?
Yeah. So what?
Huh?
Well, I figure if we start today,
I could have "The Tiny Flugelhorn Girl"
down pat in time for Christmas.
That'll teach me to make stupid promises
without consulting "The Farmer's Almanac"...
But I am a bird of my word, so let's get started.
[dinging]
[inhales, clears throat]
[caterwauling]
Apparently that's [clears throat] not my key.
Pretty Boy, Mr. Jolly... I have news.
Before you stands the next county spelling champion!
That'll win you a lot of popularity contests.
Well, that's all very nice for you, spot,
but I have news of my own.
Pretty Boy has agreed to teach me how to sing.
Silence!
From now on, you will only use your instrument
when I tell you and how I tell you!
Yes, maestro.
I said, "silence"!
-[dings] -[humming]
[caterwauling]
-[dings] -[humming]
[caterwauling]
Look what I got--
the word list from last year's county spelling bee.
Lenny, my naive friend,
by the time you get to the county bee level,
you're not studying the list anymore.
So you know every word on this list?
Duh, yeah.
"Hors d'oeuvres"?
Two words-- silent "h,"
apostrophe between the "d" and the "o."
[caterwauling continues]
Um, "misspell."
Leonard, your attempt at irony is cute-- really, it is--
but they don't let you go to the county spelling bee
if you're gonna M-I-S-S-P-E-L-L "misspell."
So you're just gonna hang out and do nothing?
No, Leonard!
I'm going to do what every great champion does--
take full measure of my opponent,
study his every move so that he cannot take a step
without me taking it first,
and then, when I know him better than he knows himself,
attack and win the bee!
[caterwauling]
Now would you two knock it off with the glockenspiel?!
[glockenspiel dings]
It sure was a lucky coincidence
that Principal Strickler decided to give us
Fala D. Roosevelt's birthday off from school this year.
Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to spy on this Krabitz kid.
Okay, here's the plan--
first, we study the enemy's moves
in his academic environment.
I still think you should study the list from last year.
I laugh at last year's list.
The key to victory lies not in some old list,
but in the mind of one's enemy.
Watch and learn.
Ah, there he is-- the hated rival.
Eric Mark Krabitz, you are mine.
Okay, now you're creeping me out.
[all snickering]
Look at that focus! The kid's amazing!
Look at them laughing.
The kid's a dork.
Right field! Look up, Krabitz!
What's wrong with you?!
Come on, Krabitz, look up.
Fascinating.
-Aw, Krabitz! -Aw, man!
Behold, Leonard...
The lion in his den.
I'm pretty sure that's the kitchen.
That's not what I-- oh, never mind!
Follow me.
Darn it! Where'd he go?
I don't know, but he sure seems lonely.
Yeah-- lonely like a shark!
Aah!
Who are you two, and why have you been following me all day?
[nervously] Oh, uh, hi, there, Eric Mark,
or do you prefer just Eric--
or-- or just Mark-- or maybe Mr. Krabitz?
I'd prefer that you just tell me what's going on here.
Yes, of course you would. It's quite simple, really.
What's going on is, uh,
that my friend and I are huge fans of yours
and passionate devotees of "The Bee,"
and, well, we wanted to--
that is, we were hoping that we could, you know,
get to know you a little bit-- you know, hang out.
Really? You want to hang out with me?
Do we? Oh, we sure do!
Don't we?
Oh, absolutely.
Well, um, I guess that would be okay.
So, what are your names?
My name's--
his name's Ian Wazselewski, and I'm Yung-Hi Mandelbaum.
So come on in. I'll show you around.
Welcome to my world. What do you think?
It's incredible.
No, "incredible" doesn't do it justice.
It's-- it's really... Good.
Oh, why won't the words come?!
What I'm trying to say is it's-- it's...
Incogitable? Insupposable? Unfathomable?
Yes, yes, and yes!
How about you, Ian? Do you like it?
Eric Mark asked if you like his room, Ian.
Oh, yeah, right. Uh, it's, uh, neat.
Say, I have an idea.
How about a rousing game of Aramaic anagrams?
So, Eric Mark, if I may be so bold...
What's your secret? I mean, how do you always win?
The first thing I do is study the list from previous bees.
I mean, you'd have to be an idiot not to do that, right?
Oh-ho, of course.
But what sets me apart is my knowledge of
secondary languages like Gaelic, Swahili-- even Navajo--
and the subtle nuances
of letter-slash-word correlations that provides--
in addition, of course, to being fluent in Latin and Greek.
And here I thought it would be something complicated.
So, what do you do for fun?
What do you mean? Ian.
I mean fun-- you know, playing, watching TV, riding bikes.
That kind of stuff.
Ian, you're being rude!
No, it's okay.
The answer is simple-- fun is a luxury I can't afford.
To be a true champion of the bee requires total dedication.
So you never play?
Never.
Eric Mark Krabitz, you are a shining star,
a supernova in a universe of flashlights!
Thanks for coming over, Yung-Hi and Ian.
I hope you can make it to the county championship
to watch me destroy the competition.
Yes, well, I'll try to make it.
Although, you never know-- I might be sick that day.
Did you hear that, Leonard? He's going to destroy me.
Oh, I'm sorry, Yung-hi, were you talking to me?
[Native-American music plays]
The kid speaks Navajo, for crying out loud.
The only people who speak Navajo are Navajos...
And Eric Mark Krabitz.
He isn't human, I tell ya-- of course, neither am I--
but that's not the point!
Oh, why did I waste all those years eating and breathing
and talking when I should have been studying spelling?!
Because you're normal, and normal kids-- and dogs--
are supposed to have fun every now and then,
not spend every minute of every day studying spelling.
You're right, I am normal-- too normal-- but not anymore!
From now on I'm going to be abnormal like Krabitz!
Now, nobody talk! I must think!
[squeaking]
[gasps]
[dings]
All right, that's it! Enough with the glockenspiel!
From now on, this glockenspiel ceases to exist!
I am taking this glockenspiel
and dragging it into the garbage can
on the hard drive of my mind.
You are hereby erased from my memory forever!
The pooch has finally flipped.
I heard that.
Okay, we'll start with this,
beginning with "a" and working our way to "z."
Boy, it's a good thing we followed Krabitz around all day.
Otherwise you would have never come up
with that "A to Z" thing.
Ah, sarcasm-- the last refuge of a meager mind.
Blah, blah, blah. Let's get started.
The first word is "aardvark."
Aardvark. A-A-R-D-V...
[clock ticking]
Abscissa. Hmm. Word form?
Noun.
-Origin? -Latin.
What do you mean you're not gonna help me anymore?!
I told you-- this is stupid. We're still on the As!
You're already a great speller,
and I'm not gonna lock myself in a room day after day,
wasting my life, so you can try to win a stupid spelling bee!
Try to win?
I'm not going to try to win, I'm going to win!
I will win! I must win!
[classical music plays]
Ha ha ha!
[snoring]
Look at him-- sleeping up there all snuggly-wuggly.
You know who sleeps at night? Losers, that's who!
Well, we'll see how well you sleep
when I'm champion of the world,
and you're just a big old sleepyheaded loser, Krabitz!
No, wait-- you're not Krabitz. You're that other one.
[snoring]
Mr. Chowszelewski.
The word is "frascalhasa-apso."
Frascalhasa-apso.
That is so cinchy.
Okay, frascalhasa-apso.
F-R-A-S-C-A-L-H-A-S-A-hyphen-
A-P-S-O!
That is correct!
[cheering and barking]
Mr. Helperschnauzer.
The word is...
On second thought, fetch!
[cheering and barking]
Eric Mutt Krabitz, your word is "crustadinglycacapoo."
[barking]
[whimpers]
Absolutely correct, Mr. Krabitz!
Now your turn, Mr. Leadready--
if that's even your real name.
The word is "cat."
"Cat"?!
I thought we were just doing bizarre dog words!
I mean, "cat" wasn't even on the list!
Did you study your Navajo?
Navajo?!
Oh, no! Say it ain't so!
[chanting] Loser! Loser! Loser...
I'm not a loser. I'm not a loser.
I'm not a loser...Not a loser. A loser. Loser. Loser.
Hey, wake up, boy. You're having a bad dream.
Huh?! What?! A dream?! Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, Leonard, it was horrible.
Everyone knew how to spell except me.
You were a dog, and-- and not a very attractive one at that.
Holy consonant clusters, look at the time!
We've got to get to the bee!
Now, remember, son,
you're not just spelling for yourself anymore.
You're spelling for the hopes and dreams
of every man, woman, and child in East Westland.
You're spelling for all the kids who don't understand
why sometimes "o-u" sounds like "ow" as in "cloud"
and other times sounds like "oh" as in "dough,"
and then other times it sounds like "uh" as in "tough,"
and don't even get me started on "g-h"!
I get the idea, sir. That was very inspiring.
Now go out there and win us a trophy
for our sad little trophy case.
Well, well, Crosby!
Back for another try, eh?
[bitterly] Hello, Nash.
Listen, you may have a hard time
holding onto that last-place title.
I hear the competition is pretty stiff--
at the bottom this year!
[laughs]
Well, well, well, if it isn't my old friend Yung-Hi Mandelbaum.
What happened? Did you change your name?
Eric Mark. I, uh...
Can it, Leadready-- I knew what you wanted all along.
Do you think you're the first person
to pretend to be my friend
just so they could steal my spelling secrets?
Well, actually... yeah.
Okay, so maybe you are. So what?!
Did you really think I'd share my precious secrets
with a couple of yutzes off the street?
I gave you nothing! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
From this moment on, there is only myself and the word.
[cheering]
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to this year's county spelling bee championship.
Please welcome your spelling finalists.
[cheers and applause]
All righty, then. Let the bee begin!
No! No! No! No!
It's a note!
Just one lousy meshugeneh note!
How hard is it to hum a single note?!
-[dings] -Can't you hear that?!
-[dings] -I'm playing this...
-[dongs] -And you're singing this!
[meows]
[dings]
[meows] Heh heh.
Of course! That's it!
You're a one-note kitty, a b-flat cat.
I'm a genius! Now we can get to work!
You'll have your "Tiny Flugelhorn Girl" by Christmas.
The word is "perspicacious."
Perspicacious. P-E-R-S-P-I-C-A-C-I-O-U-S.
Perspicacious.
Correct.
[cheering]
[no audio]
Philately. P-H-I-L-A-T-E-L-Y.
Philately.
That is correct!
I can't wait till they get to the hard words.
Neither can I, cause there's 26 letters in the alphabet,
and I know 'em all.
Mr. Leadready, your word is...
"Glockenspiel."
[nervously] Homina-homina-homina.
Come again.
Glockenspiel.
Okay, let's see...
"I before e, except after c" unless it's in German.
Or is it Lithuanian? Oh, that can't be right!
Do Lithuanians even have "i" in their alphabet?
Come on, Leadready, think!
[dings]
[buzzes]
[cheering]
Way to go! Second place! That is so cool!
Congratulations, son. You've made us all very proud.
For the first time in history,
we have a trophy to put in our case.
And Leonard and I would love to take you out
for a special second-place celebratory pizza at Mario's.
Well, Leonard, I hope you've learned something from all this.
Me?
For though we may strive for perfection, that, my friend,
is a goal as elusive as a dream...
-But-- -And it is surely the fool
who holds himself to an unattainable standard.
If you'll all excuse me, I have some congratulating to do.
Eric Mark, wait!
What do you want?
I-I just wanted to say congratulations, so...
Congratulations.
And also, I-- I wanted to apologize
for pretending to be somebody else.
Normally I'm very much
a "what you see is what you get" kind of dog-- uh, kid.
It's kind of flattering that you went to all that trouble--
you know, in a way-over-the-top, obsessive sort of way.
Yeah...hey, my friend and I are going to Mario's for pizza.
You wanna come?
Are you saying you want to hang out with me--
like friends or something, no strings attached--
and you're not just trying to steal my spelling secrets?
That's exactly what I'm saying, Mr. Paranoid, so how about it?
Well, I was going to go home and start preparing for the states,
but, ah, what the heck!
Whoo-hoo!
You big goofball.
Ooh, here they come!
Okay, now remember what we worked on.
From the diaphragm. Round tones. Joyous sound.
[nervously] Round tones. Joyous sounds. Got it.
Ooh, I'm so nervous!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Hoo hoo!
[howls]
Oh, yes, I am da man!
Scott Leadready II rules!
Don't tell me you actually won that spelling bee?!
No, I lost the spelling bee,
but I challenged Krabitz to a pizza-eating contest
and destroyed him!
The poor kid never had a chance.
Oh, yeah! I'm the king, baby! Ha ha!
He's almost as gracious in victory as he is in defeat.
Uh, w-we have a surprise of our own.
Now, understand, this is just a work in progress,
but, still, I think you're gonna be pleasantly surprised.
[glockenspiel plays]
♪ In the tiny town of Flugelhorn ♪
♪ One shining Christmas morn ♪
♪ A child received a magic gift ♪
♪ A tiny golden flugelhorn ♪
♪ She'd never seen a flugelhorn ♪
♪ Its sound she did not know ♪
♪ And yet she raised it to her lips ♪
♪ And just began to blow ♪
♪ With your horn so bright and bugley ♪
♪ Play your song of Christmas cheer ♪
♪ Make the sound so sweet and flugely ♪
♪ For all Flugelites to he-e-e-ar ♪
[flugelhorn plays]
Well, what do you think?
That was lovely. Really.
You're both to be congratulated...
Except for one tiny, little detail--
I hate G-L-O-C-K-E-N-S-P-I-E-L-S!