♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪
-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪
♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪
♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪
♪ He'd start to drool ♪
-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪
♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪
♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪
♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪
-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪
♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪
♪ He's so over just being rover ♪
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ It's so weird ♪ ♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪
♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪
♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪
Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?
Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.
♪ I want to be a boy ♪
I hate dogs.
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪
I do not wish to be a dog.
♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪
♪ I got to be a boy ♪
♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪
♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪
Yes!
[girl screaming]
[children chattering]
Beep, beep. Make way for the custodian.
What's that, Mr. Dustman?
It's a desk.
They teach you dang kids anything around here?
[thud]
Gee, a new desk! In the second row!
Right across from me! Do you know what that means?
Duh, Scott! It's pretty obvious.
Finally, my hundreds of letters to the state board of education
have been answered.
And they have put in a desk
for my invisible best friend, Noltar!
[laughs]
Go ahead, buddy. Have a seat.
Uh, Ian?
I think the new desk is for a new kid.
[children murmur]
New kid?!
Okay, boys and girls,
I want you all to give a great, big, warm-as-toast welcome
to our brand-new student, Fred Bitters!
[all] Hi, Fred!
Hey.
[sighs]
Okay, get up, Noltar.
Come on, you can share my seat.
Hey, don't hog the whole thing--
Ouch! Ha ha! Noltar!
Welcome to the second row, Fred!
Say, is your name, by any chance,
short for Frederica?
The feminine derivative of the ancient teutonic Appalachian
meaning "peaceful ruler,"
coined originally by the Normans
but reintroduced into modern usage
by the Hanoverian rulers of Britain?
Aah...
Chooo!
No, it's just Fred.
Oh! Well, that's a very unusual name for a girl.
And that's a very unusual hat for a freak!
So, class-- class!
Continuing the review of our
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. vocabulary list,
who can tell me what "nonviolent resistance" means?
[Scott] Oh! Oh!
Ohh! I know!
I got it! Pick me!
Pick me, please, please, please, please?
[all] Pick him! Pick him!
Oh, please? Please? Please? Come on!
Well...
I think I see Scott's hand up for a change.
Nonviolent resistance--
a philosophy employed by the late, great Dr. King Jr.,
whereby in the face of an oppressor,
one does not fight back, but instead,
peacefully opposes the oppression.
[deep voice] ♪ We shall not ♪
♪ We shall not be moved ♪
See also Mohandus Mahatma Gandhi,
1869 to 1948.
[as Gandhi] Nonviolence is mightier
than the mightiest weapon of destruction
devised by the ingenuity of man.
[normal voice] Which is, to say, "peace, baby"!
A very... complete answer, Scott.
And I hope the rest of you had your listening ears on,
because it will be on our vocab pretest
right after recess.
Psych! Ha ha ha!
The test isn't until tomorrow.
Ha ha!
But I bet now you'll have more fun at recess!
[bell rings]
Man, your teacher really faked us out
about that vocab-test-after-recess thing.
Ah, yes.
You'll find our Mrs. H. Is quite the merry prankster.
Always ready to inject a little humor into our fourth-grade day.
Yeah? Well, I thought it was stupid!
[all gasp]
That's my mom you're talking about!
Easy, Leonard! Fred didn't know! She's new!
Maybe at her old school,
they didn't have things like jokes and... fun.
[all] Ooh!
You're gonna be sorry, hat boy!
[all gasp]
Okay, I'm out. You're up, new girl!
Come on, Noltar, let's go find a game of 4-square.
Man, that new girl's kinda scary.
Oh, Leonard, Leonard.
Why must you bipeds always judge each other
based on shallow first impressions?
We of the more sensitive canine species
are much more instinctive when it comes to appraising others.
Fred's not scary. She's just scared.
How do you know that?
I can smell it!
[sniffs] Woof, that's fear, all right!
Often mistaken for boiled cabbage
and/or foot fungus.
Whoa-ho!
Sorry, hat boy.
Guess you got a little too close.
[whistle blows]
Fred!
I don't know what the tetherball rules were
at your old school,
but at Fala D. Roosevelt, we are ever-mindful
of other children's precious heads!
Oh, poor lamby, are you okay?
Hmm... that hat boy is dead meat!
[sniffs] Wait a second...
That's not boiled cabbage I smell anymore...
[sniffs] Dirty paint rags...
Grandpa's pajama bottoms...
Uh-oh. Someone's ticked.
[girls laughing]
I, like, can't believe how, like, totally,
like, how funny that is!
And it, like, totally looks exactly, like, like him.
Hi, girls!
[all] Hi, Scott.
[laughing]
What's so funny?
Nothing in the girl's bathroom!
[laughing]
Dude, I hate when there's something funny
in the girl's bathroom and we can't go in
and see what it is.
Yeah, dude, I hate when there's something funny in the girl's bathroom
and you can't go in.
Oh... You already said that, right?
I don't know. Maybe.
Say, here's an idea...
Why can't we go in?
[all] Dude!
-What? -Are you kidding me?!
That's the girl's bathroom!
[clears throat] Excuse me.
-Are there any girls inside? -No.
-Any baths? -No.
Good, then it's just a room, right?
I believe I have semantically deconstructed
all justification to remain out here any longer.
Come on, guys! Let's go!
[all] Whoa!
It's a lot cleaner than ours!
And it smells better!
We shouldn't be here. This is very wrong!
I know, Leonard, but we are on a mission
for the greater good...
To find out what's so darn funny!
[Ian laughing]
Oh, you're right, Noltar! Now this is hilarious!
[laughs]
[choking] Help! I'm choking on my own spit!
-I wanna see! -I wanna see!
[laughing]
Dude, that's, like, a crack-up--
[coughs]
Now I'm, like, choking on spit!
Ho-ho! This I gotta see!
[gasps]
[Scott] "I'm the teacher's pet.
Bow... wow."
That's not funny! That's just mean!
[snickering]
[laughing]
Oh! Ohh!
[panting]
[all laughing]
[panting]
[all laughing]
Ohh, why are they doing this to me?
I thought they were my friends?
I don't know, pal.
I guess they're just happy she's not picking on them.
That's not a reasonable excuse.
It is for a fourth-grader.
I hear the ice-cream man!
Hey, I'll race you
for a Jawcracker Sticky-Slima Tooty-Fruity Freeza Pop.
You always know just how to cheer me up.
Go ahead! Pick anything you want!
My mom gave me enough money to treat all my new friends
to ice cream!
[cheering]
Suddenly, I don't feel like ice cream.
Let's just go home.
But, you love Freeza Pops!
Oh, yes, I do!
But it's not worth the humiliation!
Fred would probably just put one in a metal dish
and feed it to me on the ground like a dog.
Hey! Wait a minute! That gives me an idea!
Arf! Arf! Arf!
All right, I'm ready for
my Jawcracker Sticky-Slima Tooty-Fruity Freeza Pop!
Hey, you're in my class, right?
Is that your doggy?
It's so cool!
I love dogs, and they love me!
[Spot] Grr!
I bet they'd love to sink their pointy canine teeth in your--
hey! What the-- put me down!
I don't know you! I don't even like--
[laughs] Oh, that's good!
Oh, this girl has scratched before!
No! Resist!
This is the same person who made your day
a horrible, unbearable--
[laughs] I love her nails!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
2 Jawcracker Sticky-Slima Tooty-Fruity Freeza Pops.
Sorry, kid.
Just sold the last box to that young lady over there.
Is it okay if I feed one to your dog?
You can have one, too!
Well... Gee, thanks.
"Well...gee, thanks," he says...
Knowing that she's my life's sworn blood enemy.
He still takes her lousy
Jawcracker Sticky-Alima Tooty-Fruity Freeza Pop!
Whoa! Back up!
Batten down the hatches, matey.
There's a storm a-brewin'.
I thought it was okay for me to have the freeza pop!
You did!
Don't point that finger at me, mister!
I have an excuse!
If you were a dog getting scratched like that,
ohh, you would've lost all sense of reality, too!
'Scusee...
Forgot the catnip mouse.
Besides, you were supposed to be the stronger one!
You were supposed to stand up for me
and resist her wily frozen treat temptations
in the name of loyalty and true friendship!
That's not fair! I am your friend and I always will be!
Yeah, well, friend...
You got a little dab of Freeza Pop right there!
You licked it.
Congratulations, Leonard.
That was the last test, and you failed.
Good day, sir!
But I didn't-- I wouldn't--
I said good day!
Can we come out now?
This catnip toy stinks to high heaven!
[snoring]
What are you still doing in bed?!
We're gonna be late for school!
I'm a bit under the weather this morning, Leonard.
You'll have to go without me.
Your nose is cold and wet.
Fine! Let's just reduce my entire state of well-being
to the temperature and moisture level of my nose!
Are you staying home because of that new girl?
What girl?
Oh, that's right! The new girl!
I'd completely forgotten her.
No, no, this has nothing to do with that surly, mean-mouth,
picture-drawing, ice cream-bribing,
out-of-control tetherball menace!
My stomach... is just... upset... okay?
It must have been that Freeza Pop she forced on me!
Hmm. That's weird.
'Cause I had one, and I feel just fine.
You would, wouldn't you?
Oh, come on! Don't start that again!
You know I didn't--
I hear your mother calling! It's time for you to go!
Good day, sir!
-But-- -I said, good day!
Higher! Higher!
-Higher! -Bid higher!
[woman] I'd like to bid lower, Don.
Oh, for pity's sake!
How much do you think a Hawaiian fantasy dream vacation for 2
wholesales for, anyway?!
If there's any justice at all,
that would be us up there, not her.
You know, getting ready to go for the big bonanza buyout
after these words from our sponsors.
[sighs]
Is this that "Comparison Shopper" game show
you guys are always talking about?
Yeah. School out already?
You know school's not out till after "The Comparison Shopper,"
"Circle Of Luck," "Double Dilemma,"
"signify that song," all our soaps,
the fat lady talk shows, and afternoon news wrap-up.
What are you doing here?
I didn't go to school today.
I don't feel so good.
Your nose looks cold and wet.
Would everyone stop with that already?!
Dogs are complex creatures!
Our nose doesn't tell the whole story.
It's just that you've never missed a day,
especially a Tuesday.
Don't you have your vocab pretest on Tuesday?
Plus P.E. And music right after hot lunch?
Which is turkey-chili nachos, your fave.
Sheesh! You guys sure know a lot about my life!
Well, we have none of our own to speak of...
So we spend our days living vicariously through others,
like you and this dental-hygienist mother of 3
from Fullerheim, California.
No, no, no, no!!
A ski boat does not go for more than a trip to Hawaii!
You know nothing about
manufacturer's discounted wholesale price!
Humans... [chuckles]
You were saying?
Oh, nothing, really...
Just that I'm giving it all up...
The pretests and P.E., music, and nachos.
-What?! -You heard me!
I'm not going to school anymore.
It's no fun for me there.
I'd rather just stay here at home and be a dog.
-Wow. -Wow.
[both] Higher, higher!
Participle, participle!
Purchase a participle, dummy!
Don't ask the audience!
They don't know bubkes!
[sighs]
Chopin's "Polonaise Number 1, Opus 26,"
you tin-eared--
oh, my heavens... What have I become?
[bell rings]
Hey, Leonard, where's your pal hat boy?
If you're talking about Scott,
he didn't feel well, so he stayed home today.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
-Really? -Psych!
Ha ha!
Learned that yesterday from your mom.
I can't believe teacher's pet would ruin
his perfect attendance record, even if he was dying!
[as Scott] Oh, teacher!
[panting] Please give me my vocab pretest!
Give me some gum and scratch behind my ears!
[all laughing]
[laughing]
You should have your own show!
Well, I thought it was funny, Noltar!
Maybe you didn't know this, Fred,
but that's my best friend you're making fun of,
and you better cut it out right now!
And if I don't, what are you gonna do, huh,
teacher's kid?
[gasps]
[wind blows]
[door opens, closes]
What are you doing here?
I started not feeling so good at school.
Guess I caught the same bug you have.
Yeah. Well, I hear there's a lot of that going around.
At least we can hang out together until it goes away.
If it ever goes away.
Great! Now there's 2 of them messing up our tube time!
And coming up is a very special one-hour
"Love, Sweat, And Tears"...
The wedding of Rider and Clarissa.
That's it, you have to go back to school
so pretty boy and I can return
to living other people's lives in peace.
I can't go back, Jolly! You don't know this girl!
She won't stop her wretched torment
'til I've drowned in a hot, salty puddle
of my own tears of shame.
Spot Helperman, listen to yourself!
You think you're the first person
who ever had a bully walk into its life?
I had a bully of my own once upon a time and long ago.
I remember how awful it was to be taunted and teased...
Made to feel like a worthless bag of garbage.
But then, one day, I stood up and said,
"No! Dash it all! This isn't about me!
"This is about someone else's fear and insecurity
imasquerading as hostility and bitter bile."
After that,
I didn't see my bully as a bully anymore,
but rather a frightened, fragile soul,
struggling to survive, just like me,
in this big, scary world.
So, once I recognized how alike we were inside,
a bond began to form,
and today, that bully is my best friend.
[Pretty Boy] Who's that?
You, ya silly!
What?! Wait a minute!
That big, long, stupid story was about me?!
How dare you call me a bully, you worthless bag of garbage!
Oh, oh, someone must have hurt you real bad some time.
[Pretty Boy] I'll hurt you! I'll send you to the moon!
I'll help you heal the wound, baby!
I love you for who you are!
I guess if a scaredy-cat like Mr. Jolly
can face up to his bully,
Scott Leadready can, too!
And I'll be right behind you!
Uh, I mean, unless you want me in front.
Thanks, pal.
And, uh...Sorry about all the "good day, sir's."
That's okay.
[hip-hop music] ♪ Gotta be strong, gotta be cool ♪
♪ I have the right to go to school ♪
♪ I'm calm and collected And clear in my head ♪
♪ I'd rather be dead Than afraid of Fred-- ♪
-Aaaah! -Aaaah!
[whimpering]
What are you doing?!
I thought you were gonna stand up to her!
-You stand up to her! I'm scared! -So am I.
Let's just be real quiet
so she'll just go by and not notice us.
Good idea.
[Fred] Hey, it's you!
-Oh, no! -Oh, no!
I'd recognize that cute tail anywhere!
Come here, Spot!
[sighs]
Come here, good boy!
Hey, fella, you all alone too?
I ditched out of class as soon as that bell rang
'cause everyone else was hanging around
making their stupid get-well cards
for hat boy and the teacher's kid.
[sighs] Oh.
Must be nice to have everyone care if you're sick.
Wish I had friends like that.
I bet no one in this whole stupid school
would even notice if I wasn't here.
-I'd notice. -Huh?! Teacher's kid?
[zipper zips]
I'd notice too, Fred.
Teacher's pet?! What are you doin' here?
Were you guys spyin' on me?!
No, we were just standing behind the statue
and you were talking really loud.
[growls]
But the point is, Fred...
If you want to get noticed,
it shouldn't be at someone else's expense.
Making me look bad doesn't make you look better.
You don't have to call people names.
Or draw pictures.
Or even buy them Jawcracker Sticky -Alima Tooty-Fruity Freeza Pops.
If you want to make friends...
...you just have to be a friend.
Really?
You mean even though my dad's stupid job
makes us move all the time,
and I never spend longer than a year at any stupid school...
And I always wind up getting into stupid trouble
and no one ever likes me anyway...
[all] Aaaah!
All I have to do is... Be a friend
and everything will be okay?
Yup. And tell you what...
To get you started, we'll be your first 2 friends!
[sighs]
My 2 new friends are the teacher's pet
and the teacher's kid?
Aaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaah!
It's a beginning.
Uh, you can be friends with us,
right, Noltar?