♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪
-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪
♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪
♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪
♪ He'd start to drool ♪
-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪
♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪
♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪
♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪
-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪
♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪
♪ He's so over just being rover ♪
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ It's so weird ♪
♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪
♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪
♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪
Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?
Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.
♪ I want to be a boy ♪
I hate dogs.
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪
I do not wish to be a dog.
♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪
♪ I got to be a boy ♪
♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪
♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪
Yes!
Leonard, do my eyes deceive me,
or is that your dream girl,
the future Mrs. Leslie Dunkling Helperman
preceding us by a mere few paces?
Yeah, right. She doesn't even know I exist.
I shall prove you wrong.
Oh, Leslie.
Wait up!
No!
As they say, Leonard, the proof is in the pudding.
Incidentally, you wouldn't happen to have
any pudding in your lunch, would you?
Oh, hi, Scott.
[Leonard] Hi, Leslie.
Hey, Scott, did you finish your homework?
Aaaah.
See?
Perhaps it's not pudding I should be eating,
but crow.
[squawking]
Thanks for walking me to school, Scott.
No problemo.
Leonard and I enjoyed it. Right, Leonard?
Righ-- ahh.
[girls giggling]
Righ-- ahh.
[shivers] That was cold, man.
What's the matter, Helperman? Girl problems?
Where'd you get that idea?
The last thing I have is girl problems.
Let's just say that Leonard is vexed and perplexed
by the opposite sex.
Uhh...
He's totally bummed because
Leslie doesn't pay any attention to him.
Thanks for backing me up. Here comes the abuse.
Hey-- don't even try to figure them out.
Huh?
Yeah, dude.
Girls are, like, I don't know,
a whole different gender or something.
Yeah, like, who knows what they think?
I do!
Ian...
You know what girls think?
"What girls think"?
Oh, I thought you said, "who knows what stinks?"
[all exclaim]
Put that down!
[all giggling]
Just look at them.
All goofy about
Leslie Dunkling's 10th birthday party.
Ooh, look at me. I'm going to an all-girl slumber party.
♪ Di-di di-di-di-di ♪
[sighs]
I wish Leslie would invite me to an all-girl slumber party.
What?!
An all-girl slumber party?
What are you, Helperman, a girl?
Um, I mean any party.
Just once, you know, to find out what girls think.
Too bad you couldn't magically change yourself into a fly.
Then you could sit on the wall and hear everything.
Good idea, Ian, except for the "magically change" part.
I know it's a good idea.
But you're never gonna be able to do the fly thing
without the "magically change" part.
Trust me, I tried.
Okay, then. How about we bring this conversation
back to planet earth?
We may not be able to turn ourselves into flies,
but we can get ourselves in to observe Leslie's all-girl party.
-Can't be done. -Impossible.
No way.
Watch the master at work.
Did you ever notice that Scott walks kind of funny?
Yeah.
It's almost like walking upright isn't natural for him.
Yeah. What's up with that?
Yeah!
What's up with that?
That Leadready is so-o-o weird!
Gentlemen, I just wangled an invitation to Leslie's party
for Leonard and moi.
But it's a slumber party! Just for girls!
How did you get us an invitation?
Well, it's not so much an invitation as... a gig.
A gig! You got us a gig?
What's a gig?
A gig is an engagement to perform.
It being Leslie's 10th birthday,
I figured they'd like to have some special entertainment.
So we're doing our famous magic act!
We have a magic act?
You're famous?
We will be, Ian, when we return
from Leslie Dunkling's birthday party
with a comprehensive and encyclopedic knowledge
of what fourth-grade girls really think.
[all exclaim]
Excuse me, but I believe
you mentioned something about a magic act?
I certainly did. I certainly did.
You've heard of Siegfried and Roy?
Well, you're looking at
Leadready and Boy-- Masters of Magic.
Oh-ho, no.
No way. Absolutely, positively not.
I'm really looking forward to your magic act, Leonard.
I hear it's great.
Oh, well... Abracadabra.
[bell jingles]
Hello?
Hmm. No one's here.
Let's go.
Waaah!
[gasps]
Whoa!
May I be of assistance?
We need to learn magic in a hurry.
Could you give us a few pointers?
You mean like this?
Wow!
Make a note-- we'll need capes.
Uh-oh. It's coming in for a landing.
Catch it!
Ah.
Thank you.
I'd better put this away before it takes off again.
Whoa! He's good.
[water sloshing]
Make a note-- we'll need top hats.
And fish.
Here.
Pick a card.
[fanfare]
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Helperman home is proud to present
the magic stylings of Leadready and Boy!
Ooh! A floating hand.
Nice effect... I think.
This is where you applaud.
Oh. I thought that was part of the show.
Yay!
Hey, look!
Superboy and Wonder Dog just stepped out of the shower.
I like the Turkish-bath look.
It hints of faraway, exotic places.
The Amazing Leadready will read your mind.
Pick a card.
Got it!
And now the Amazing Leadready will perform
the Indian rope trick.
Hey, wait. Ho ho. What about the card?
Uh, the idea was to tell you while we did the rope trick.
I wanna know now! I'm a cat. I'm curious.
I'm a bird, and I'm bored.
I told you we should've showed the card right away.
All right, it was a 9. Are you happy now?
I'm ecstatic. But the card was a Jack.
It was a 9! End of discussion.
Ahh.
Now, if I could have a volunteer from the audience?
What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?
Ain't that ironic?
I get severe stage fright.
I don't wanna make a fool of myself.
Too late.
I see I have no volunteers.
We're doomed.
This is a terrible dress rehearsal.
I say you call Leslie and tell her we're sick.
Nonsense. That's just opening-night jitters.
You know what they say, "bad rehearsal, good show."
Who says that?
Must you question everything?
[girls giggling]
Ta-da!
[laughing]
They love us. Listen to them laughing.
They're not laughing with us. They're laughing at us.
At us, with us, potato, po-tah-to.
Let's cut the whole thing short.
Good thinking. Always leave them wanting more.
Ladies, for our finale,
I shall pour the contents of this fishbowl
into my magic top hat, and make it disappear!
[all] Aaah!
That's not right.
Wait.
Let me try it again.
For goodness sake. Give me that.
There. That's how you do it.
[laughing]
[whistles]
Come on. There's pizza in the kitchen.
[giggling]
Ah, look at the bright side, Leonard,
Leslie knows you exist.
Yeah, enough to laugh at me the rest of my life.
Forget about that.
Didn't you feel it? The vibes?
For one brief, shining moment,
couldn't you almost tell what girls think?
Yeah. They were thinking
Leonard and Scott are a couple of boobs.
Now let's just get the rest of our magic tricks
and get out of here.
Oh, fine...
Quitter.
I'm not a quitter. I just know when to give up.
[girls giggling]
Shh.
What?
Listen.
Don't you want to take the totally, like, Buzz 'zine poll?
"Who Is The Hottie Boy For You?"
Shh. Ow!
-Now, that would be fun. -Let's take the test.
What are you doing?
Shh-ush! You wanted to know what you should do
to get Leslie to notice you, this is your chance.
This is wrong. It's eavesdropping.
If they're willing to talk without making sure we're gone,
then it's all right to listen.
Well, let me out.
Wait, Leonard, we're not doing this for me.
We're not doing this for you.
We're not?
No.
We're doing it for every fourth-grade boy
who asks the question,
"what goes on inside the heads of fourth-grade girls?"
Okay, so what makes a boy a hottie to you, Leslie?
Okay, that's it. I'm out of here.
Me? Well, if a boy-- or, say, for instance, Leonard--
maybe if we heard just a little.
...were to quote poetry to me.
I love poetry.
[all] Yeah.
I like smart boys. Hotties know a lot about a lot.
Yes!
Oh, and you know what else?
Speaking in a French accent, like Scott does sometimes.
[French accent] Oh, huh-huh.
And they especially should know about
fertilizer and underwear.
Eww.
Oh, yes. It means they care about the environment and...
And... underwear.
[all] Yeah.
I better write this down.
You know what else makes a boy so cute?
Wearing pants 2 sizes too small.
Yeah, yeah. With suspenders.
[all cheer]
And socks that don't match.
Oh, and who could resist
a boy in a beanie cap with a propeller?
Not me.
Me neither.
Come on, Leslie. Open your presents.
Yeah, open them.
Yeah! Yeah! Open them!
Let's get out of here. We've got to tell the other boys.
No!
No? Leonard, I'm surprised at you.
Selfishness has never been one of your character traits.
We can't leave now.
They'll know we've been eavesdropping.
So what you're saying is,
we'll just have to stay and listen.
Leslie, honey, this is from your father and me.
Happy birthday.
[all chanting] Open it! Open it! Open it! Open it!
Okay, okay.
My own cellphone!
Thanks, Mom.
We know you'll use it responsibly, dear.
Now, how about some cake and ice cream?
[all cheer]
[Leonard] They're gone.
The coast is clear.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Cuckoo!
Ready?
Ready.
Okay, Leonard, there's the door--
our gateway to freedom and glory.
Now, here's the plan--
or we can do that.
Be right back, girls.
Yikes!
Hide!
Since we're in for the night,
I'm gonna turn on the home-security system
while I'm thinking of it.
I don't want to forget it later.
What do we do now?
Well, you've heard of the fight or flight syndrome?
Probably not.
Well, we can't fight, so it's flight!
[man] Security system activating.
Back door...
-[beeps] -Locked.
Den window...
-[beeps] -Locked.
All doors and windows locked.
Do you see the irony here?
This marvel of modern technology,
designed to keep unwanted intruders from breaking in,
is keeping us from breaking out.
Irony, shmirony.
We're trapped in Leslie Dunkling's house!
[girls giggling]
-Aaaah! -Aaaah!
They're coming.
Back to the closet!
I don't think this is the time to admire Leslie's gifts.
[laughing]
Maybe we should just give up.
I'm getting out of here.
What?!
They already think we're dorky, lame magicians.
If you step out of the closet now,
they'll think we're eavesdropping,
dorky, lame magicians.
Well, aren't we?
Until I can think of something better.
Either way, Leslie will hate me for the rest of my life.
Leonard, we can't give up.
Remember... remember...
Remember The Alamo!
Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie
were completely surrounded by Santa Anna's army.
But did they give up?
No one survived.
Okay, bad example.
Amelia Earhart, aviator, set out to fly around the world--
okay, another bad example.
The point is, we've come too far to give up now.
There's gotta be something in this closet
that we could use to make an escape.
Like what?
Well...
That sand bucket and shovel.
And what, tunnel our way out?
[sirens wailing]
By my calculations, we're outside the prison wall.
[Scottish accent] Aye. I envy your Yankee ingenuity.
I say give it a go, laddie, break out.
Aaaaah!
[laughing]
I don't think so.
Or we could put on some of Leslie's clothing
and pretend we're girls.
All we have to do is know what girls think,
and act accordingly.
That's what got us into this whole mess.
Now let me out!
I've got it!
Who are you calling?
[rings]
Hello?
Leslie, it's Scott and Leonard.
Did you think our magic act was over?
Well, it's not! You didn't see the grand finale.
We're gonna make ourselves reappear
on the window seat in your bedroom.
What?
It's Scott and Leonard.
[giggling]
Yes, the doors and windows are locked.
And the alarm is on, right?
Yes.
So, if we reappear sitting on the window seat,
it would be magic.
The window seat? In my room?
Yes, that would certainly be magical.
Okey-dokey.
I want you and the others to go out of your room,
say the magic words--
"Abra-conundrum, confuse ya, panunbrum,"
and then come back in. Ready?
Abra-conun...
Fuchsia... what?
Never mind! I'll say it myself!
Abra-conundrum, confuse ya, panunbrum.
Boy, if they reappear, that's really magic.
That would be amazing.
Yeah, better than Myron the Magnifico.
-Ta-da!! -Ta-da!!
You sat in pizza.
[girls laughing]
Leonard, you crack me up!
Uh, all part of the act, ladies. Glad you enjoyed it.
Thank you and good night.
[girls laughing]
They sat in pizza!
That'll teach them to eavesdrop.
See, Leonard, you fretted needlessly.
Our eavesdropping incident is over,
and we have escaped with our dignity intact.
Almost intact.
We did sit in pizza.
Hey, it was a live show. Things happen.
But aside from from that minor hitch,
all's well that ends well.
At last, we know what girls want.
And in the information age, information means power.
Ha! Ha ha ha ha!
I can't wait to call the guys.
[bell rings]
Is my beanie on straight?
[French accent] Like an arrow, mon ami.
[all gasp]
What is with you guys?
Oh, ho ho.
We just wear what the girls find fair.
[giggles] Is it Halloween already?
I'll just let that remark slide, like, well,
like water off a duck's back.
Duck factoid-- their feathers form a waterproof shield.
And you're telling us this because...
[normal voice] Oh, let's just say
we can hear your thoughts.
Or what we're saying while you're hiding in the closet.
Is that really what you think
we think will make you hotties?
They knew they were there?
Duh! I mean, magically reappearing in my room
after saying, "Abra-conundrum, confuse ya, panunbrum"?
You sat in pizza. Who do you think put it there?
I-It was a live show.
You mean you didn't know?
No. Yes!
Uh, that is to say, Leonard knew.
[all] He did?
I did?
Go with me on this.
Yes, he did!
Right after you first came in the room,
Leonard told me it was wrong to hide in the closet and listen,
but I didn't believe him.
So he went along with what the girls were saying
as a lesson on the evils of eavesdropping,
that nothing good can come
from invading someone else's privacy.
And, boy, did it work.
Leonard, I have to give you credit.
That was pretty smart.
-Way to go, Leonard. -Yeah.
Did you see that? Leslie spoke to me.
Thanks, Scott.
Guess they believed me, huh?
Especially the part about never eavesdropping again.
I know I won't.
Me neither.
And no more "Leadready and Boy-- Masters of Magic," okay?
I never want to perform magic again.
You never performed magic in the first place.
Scott Leadready and Leonard Helperman
report to Principal Strickler's office immediately.
[door closes]
You wanted to see us, sir?
I heard all about your "appearance"
at Leslie Dunkling's party.
You did?
Leslie's party? That was an all-girls party.
Don't play coy with me.
I know all about what really happened at Leslie's party.
Sir, since I'm the one responsible
for bringing Leonard into this,
I'm the one you should really be talking to.
Good. Because I want you both to perform at the monthly
Saturday pancake-breakfast meeting of school principals.
Especially that trick where you make yourselves disappear
and then reappear sitting on pizza!
Oh, no!
Oh, yes.
And I want you to wear
those fabulous magician outfits you're in,
but don't forget the turbans and capes.
I think we should head back to Myron the Magnifico's.
To buy more tricks?
No, so he can teach us how to disappear...
For good.