♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪
-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪
♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪
♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪
♪ He'd start to drool ♪
-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪
♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪
♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪
♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪
-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪
♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪
♪ He's so over just being rover ♪
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪
♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪
♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪
Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?
Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.
♪ I want to be a boy ♪
I hate dogs.
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪
I do not wish to be a dog.
♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪
♪ I got to be a boy ♪
♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪
♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪
Yes!
Finally, my salt-and-flour map of Uruguay is finished.
How does it look?
Uh, I'd say it's just a dead ringer.
[sniffing]
Why does it smell like Vermont?
I ran out of salt,
so I used Mr. Jolly's pine-scented cat litter
for the mountains.
[chuckles] No wonder I was drawn to it!
[sniffs]
Ahh!
What a glorious morning!
Unlike Leonard, who waited till the last minute,
I worked on my map of Argentina in a timely manner
over the month allotted for said assignment.
♪ Yah ta-ta-ta ♪
El presidente has entered the building!
Next to you, I look like a loser.
Ah, an accurate assessment, Leonard,
because you're a peasant
while I'm a former Argentinean dictator.
I wish I was a dictator.
We can't all be dictators.
After all, without peasants,
we dictators would have no one to... dictate to.
Uh, to whom we dictate to.
To whom which to we dictate to.
Ah, give me a break!
No habla inglés.
[woman chanting in Spanish]
[upbeat Spanish music plays]
Looks like I'm not the only one
who waited until the last minute.
[whistle blows]
Wow!
Careful, Leonard, you'll drool on Leslie's outfit.
Obviously a costume typical of carnival in Rio de Janeiro,
Brazil.
Oh, Scott, you're so knowledgeable...
And so well-dressed!
You must be--
don't tell me. Let me guess.
Juan Domingo Perón--
Argentine dictator off and on from 1946 to 1974.
Buena, señorita.
For that, I shall appoint you head of the treasury.
[Giggles]
What do you think of my costume? I'm a Uruguayan peasant.
Yours?
Uh, well, it's, uh... Authentic.
[scoffs] Authentic for a loser.
At least he's chosen to wear a costume.
Hey, soccer is the national sport of Venezuela.
Besides, I have a soccer match later today.
What's your excuse, Scott?
You run out of beanie caps?
If you care to address me, please do so as "sir,"
"your highness," or "El presidente."
Ooh!
Whoa!
Check out Chelsea and Kelsey.
Ladies, can-can dancers?
The last time I looked, France was in Europe,
not South America.
-We represent French Guiana. -We represent French Guiana.
Then, to quote the French, "touché."
[giggles] You said "tushie."
[giggling] Scott said "tushie."
Ah, that can only be the sardonic wit of Ian Wazselewski.
I'm not Ian. I'm a llama!
Llamas are native to Peru.
A perfect choice for you,
since llamas are noted for their ability to spit.
Doofus!
That's not why I chose Peru!
I did it so I could be close to the future Mrs. Wazselewski--
Ruth!
Peru and Bolivia share a border
and the largest lake on the continent, Lake Titicaca.
First of all, let me congratulate you
for not sniggering
at the mention of the lake with the unfortunate name.
But more importantly,
that's not why you choose a country to study, Ian!
Look at Leonard.
He chose Uruguay
because he wanted to learn more about its people,
its culture, its history.
Not because it's next to... Leslie Dunkling's Brazil.
Dare I say it again? Touché.
You said--
not a word, Ian.
All right, class.
I cleared room on this bookcase for your maps.
Leslie, since Brazil is the largest country
in South America,
would you bring yours up first?
Look at her map!
Wow!
Look at the spectacular colors,
the verdant green of the rain forest,
the azure blue of the Amazon River.
She used colored sugar.
Colored sugar?!
Leonard, is there a problem?
I thought these were supposed to be salt-and-flour maps.
I didn't know you could use colored sugar.
Well, honey, ha ha! I didn't say you couldn't.
In the words of you young people
and the national security agency,
Leslie thought "outside the box."
She showed initiative.
Nice going, Leslie.
Way to mess up the grading curve.
It's really pretty, Leslie.
Makes me wish we spent every waking minute on ours, too.
Uh, we?
Excuse me. All you did was talk on the phone.
People like you make me so mad!
Okeydokey, everybody.
Let's get our maps up here
and gather for a snippety-snappy snapshot.
All righty-dighty.
All you south Americans say "queso!"
[all] Queso!
For my keepsake album. [chuckles]
Like I told my little Leonard--
a picture is like a little frozen memory.
[bell rings]
Recess! Finally!
Oh, oh, after recess, Leslie, you'll make your presentation,
and then you, Leonard.
Me? Oh, great.
It's bad enough I have to get up in front of the whole class,
but there's no way I can follow Leslie.
Next to hers, my map looks like garbage.
What did you expect?
You made it out of salt, flour, cat litter, and garbage.
Ah, it worries me to see a peon so troubled.
I'm not a peon, but I am Leonard Helperman,
and I'll always be Leonard Helperman,
and I'll always get the short end of the stick.
Exactamente. No importa.
Why worry about it, my child?
Qué será será-- what will be will be.
You're right.
There's nothing I can do about it, so why should I worry?
I'll just do it. Thanks, El presidente.
I feel better already.
A little advice from a dictator--
never let them see you sweat.
Oh, right! I'll be right back.
[all gasp]
What's holding up the line?
Make way for those thirsting for knowledge.
Leonard!
Aaaah!
My map!
Need I remind you--
the punishment for deliberately destroying
another student's...
[gulps]
Delicious-- I-I mean, delicate project,
is no recess until college?
What have I done wrong to cause my own son
to be accused of destroying another student's project?!
[cries, blows nose]
Mom, I didn't break Leslie's map of Brazil.
Someone else did.
Oh, really? Didn't you say-- and I quote--
"Next to hers, my map looks like garbage"?
Yes.
And at recess,
didn't you say you weren't worried anymore
because you were going to-- and again I quote-- "do it"?
Yes, but--
and didn't everyone in your class
see you holding the broken map?
Yes, but--
motive, opportunity, witnesses--
yes, sir.
You have to get up pretty early before morning announcements
to trick Principal Strickler.
Leonard Helperman, I can't believe that you, of all people,
would break my map.
I'm gonna hate you for the rest of my life.
I know it looks bad,
but let me tell you what happened.
I was coming back from wiping the sweat off my face
when I saw Leslie's map was on the floor-- broken.
Aaaah!
So I picked it up thinking if I could fix it,
Leslie would think I was a-- a hero.
Oh, Leonard, you're my hero!
[bell rings]
But before I could fix it, recess ended.
Aaaaah!
Ha!
The patchwork story of a guilty person.
Do you expect a professional of my experience
to buy that malarky?
I do!
Not only that, but I'll prove Leonard is innocent.
How can you possibly do that?
By becoming the ultimate detective--
Scottlock Holmes at your service.
Oh, Scott, if only every boy could grow up to be like you.
Please do whatever it takes to save my precious babykins!
Oh oh oh!
Mom! They're staring at us.
This is a mockery of the detention process.
You see, my good sir, you wrongly accuse Leonard
based on hearsay and circumstantial evidence.
You have no proof.
You, the entire class
saw him holding the broken map!
Precisely.
We saw him holding the broken map.
We did not see him break it.
Well, Mr. Ultimate Detective, here's an ultimatum--
you have until the end of the day to prove your case
or it's no recess until college for babykins.
Thanks for believing me.
One down, and the remainder of the school to go.
All because I wanted to be a hero for Leslie.
Now she hates me.
I might as well give up and plead for mercy.
Fear not, my dear man,
for I have an ability that will allow me to unravel the mystery
of the broken Brazil.
Your canine sense of smell?
Well, that goes without saying.
I was referring to deductive reasoning skills I've acquired
reading all the Sherlock Holmes mysteries
by sir Arthur Conan Doyle,
my personal favorite being "The Hound Of The Baskervilles."
So that would make me your assistant-- Dr. Watson.
Don't stretch, Lenny. You don't have an advanced degree.
Why, you're barely passing fourth grade.
Good day, my good fellows and ladies.
Scottlock Holmes at your service.
With Mrs. Helperman's permission,
I am on a quest to find the party responsible
for Leslie Dunkling's misfortune.
I thought Principal Strickler said it was Leonard.
Please. Use your deductive reasoning.
If I thought Leonard did it,
would I be looking for the person who did?
Well, if it wasn't Leonard, who else could it be?
We suspect you...
And you... and you-- all of you!
[Clears throat]
What my assistant is saying is that until I conduct
a thorough scientific investigation
which will serve to eliminate the innocent,
no one is to leave this room!
[sniffs] Hmm.
Chelsea, this morning when Mrs. H. rewarded me
for outstanding achievement in class decorum
and selected me to collect the homework,
I don't recall picking up your paper.
Would you care to explain?
My hair was a mess.
You're saying looks are more important to you
than handing in your homework?!
Duh!
Look at me!
Yet, here it is now!
I submit that...
[Leonard] She snuck it into the stack during recess.
And that's when she knocked Leslie's map to the floor.
Okay, I did the homework thing,
but I didn't break Leslie's map, really.
It must have been Kelsey. She was over by the maps.
Me?! What are saying? You're my best friend!
We swore an oath on my cd collection!
So you broke Leslie's map!
No, no, no, no, no!
I was opening the window to let in some fresh air.
Or did you open the window
to cover up what you were really doing?
Okay, I admit it.
I didn't want Chelsea to know
I was putting a note in Tyler's desk
because Chelsea thinks Tyler's a dweeb.
That was you leaving those notes?
I thought you liked Trevor.
Trevor?! Ugh!
Chelsea's the one who likes Trevor.
Kelsey!
I'd rather be with Leonard than Trevor.
I knew somehow this would come back to me.
Thanks for the humiliation, Chelsea!
But I didn't break the map. I say Younghee did it.
I saw her moving Leslie's map,
and everyone she was jealous of it.
People like you make me so mad!
Not so fast.
I believe Younghee was referring to an incident
that happened earlier in the morning
when Leslie took cuts in front of her.
It's like I have a sign that says,
"take cutsies. I'm a wimp like Leonard Helperman."
That's why I was mad at Leslie.
And I deduced the reason you moved Brazil
was to put Chile in the sun
since the capital of Chile, Santiago, is still wet!
Yes, yes, that's it! I didn't break Brazil.
Ruth did it.
Wait! I can explain.
No need to.
It's obvious to the well-trained eye
that you didn't want Bolivia to be next to Ian's Peru,
so you moved it farther west to make room for Bolivia.
No! Stop! Don't accuse Ruth.
I admit it. It was me! I did it!
[all gasp]
So, Ian, you admit you broke Leslie's map!
Nah, I just wanted Leonard to get his hopes up.
Everyone knows he did it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Did you see Leonard's face
when I said I broke Leslie's map of Brazil?
Am I a riot or what?
Ha ha ha ha!
Thank you, Ian, for sharing your finely honed sense of humor.
But if it's not asking too much,
tell us exactly what you did during recess.
Well, when my beloved Ruth put Bolivia next to Brazil...
...i put my Peru as close to Bolivia as I could,
hoping she would want to form an alliance.
Ew!
[sniffs]
Uh, you didn't use paste, did you, Ian?
No. I can't be trusted not to eat the paste,
so I had to use glue.
So, you assembled your map with a glue stick.
And just a skosh of earwax.
I'll show you.
[all] Eww!
No need for that.
However, I think we understand why Ruth wanted to move her map.
So, by process of elimination,
I have ruled out Chelsea, Kelsey, younghee, Ruth,
and Ian as suspects.
We know Leslie didn't do it, and of course,
I know I didn't do it.
That leaves only one possible culprit-- Leonard Helperman!
[all gasp]
Oops. Heh. Sorry about that, Leonard.
I thought I had that deductive reasoning thing down.
Well, back to the drawing board.
Look, "Scottlock," maybe I should just take the rap
so everybody can go back to talking to each other.
Cop a plea to appease the man?! Never!
There's still more here than meets the eye.
Isn't it a fact, Leslie,
that you went to Leonard's house to borrow paste?
Well, yes.
I ran out while I was gluing down the rain forest.
So I went to see if Leonard had any extra.
[panting]
[slurping]
But how did you know? No one was there but Spot.
Uh, that smudge on your shoe--
it consists of dog hair, cat fur, and bird droppings,
the combination of which
could only be found on the Helperman welcome mat!
[gasps] He's right. Oh, he is good.
I didn't break my own map.
No, but you have provided me with the final clue
to break this case wide open!
Mrs. Helperman, if you summon Principal Strickler,
I will reveal the true culprit.
Well, tell me who did it,
and the full weight of the public school system
will come crashing down on their head.
Leslie's map was broken by...
No one... and everyone.
Excuse me? Is this supposed to be a joke?
No. It would have been a joke if I had said, "knock knock,"
and you would have said, "who's there?"
Enough! I get the point.
Just explain to me
why I can't ban Leonard Helperman from recess
till college!
To do that, let me take everyone back in time
to the scene of the crime--
not literally, of course, but verbally and with visual aids.
Chelsea snuck back in to replace her missing homework
while Kelsey opened a window
to cover her slipping a note in Tyler's desk.
Younghee moved Brazil to the edge of the shelf
so Santiago, the capital of Chile, could dry.
Then Ruth, smelling Ian's Peru, moved her Bolivia,
pushing Leslie's Brazil
partially over the edge of the shelf.
And, finally, Ian countered Ruth's move
by placing his earwax-glued map of Peru
on the shelf above Leslie's Brazil!
Each of these acts by themselves didn't break Leslie's map,
but put together in a bizarre chain of events...
Yes, yes!
With the window open, Ian's earwax dried,
his Lake Titicaca toppled into Leslie's rain forest.
Because it wasn't glued down, it rolled down her map,
causing Brazil to fall over the edge!
[all exclaim]
I don't buy it.
What kind of a school principal do you think I am?
Elementary, my dear principal, elementary.
Either you show me one shred of solid evidence
to support your cockamamie theory,
or it'll be no recess until college for both of you.
Is that elementary enough?
Evidence? Yeah, that's it. Of course.
You expect evidence.
But that's what I wanted you to say
because you don't need evidence because--
if you remember anything, kid,
now would be the time to speak up.
The picture my mom took.
Oh, here it is.
My dear sir, here is all the proof you need
thanks to my trusty assistant, Dr. Helperman.
I think your saving my tushie was worth conferring upon you
an honorary doctorate degree.
Ha ha! You said "tushie" again.
Note the original positions of the maps
and the closed window before recess,
as opposed to the open window and new positions of the maps.
Hmm.
I suppose...
And if you look closely at the desk legs,
you'll see splatters of sugar
that match the color of Lake Titicaca.
Not a word, Ian.
Hey!
But there aren't any on Leonard's pants leg,
ergo, he was not near Brazil when it fell to the floor.
[cheers and applause]
I'm sorry for thinking you broke my map, Leonard.
Oh, that's okay, Leslie.
I mean, even I would have thought I did it.
Uh, I mean if I saw myself
standing over your busted Brazil--
I mean, not that I...
Accept her apology and close your mouth.
Right.
Thanks, Leslie. I'm just glad this nightmare is over.
For you, maybe...
but wait just a minute.
There's something else revealed in this picture.
A final act that led to the destruction of Leslie's Brazil.
The Amazon river in the photograph
stretches its entire distance.
This Amazon river does not.
You're right. So?
So, someone else was in the room during recess,
someone who has a penchant for sweets,
someone who licked off 6 centimeters of sugar--
enough to lighten Leslie's map
so when her rain forest rolled forward,
it would fall to the floor.
You keep saying "someone." Who is it?!
Someone who keeps sugar-filled candy straws in his desk.
[all gasp]
Principal Strickler, don't you think we deserve the true story?
You mean I--
Oh, no, the shame!
I was on my way
to monitor playground activity during recess
when I saw the sugar maps.
The Amazon river, that long flowing ribbon of blue sugar.
I couldn't stop myself.
[gasps]
Okay, okay, I have a weakness for colored-sugar candy.
I've had it ever since I was a kid.
But I had no idea my craving
was involved in the bizarre chain of events
that eventually broke Leslie's map!
I see now I was wrong to accuse Leonard.
And so in the words of Scottlock Holmes,
"I apologize to everyone and no one."
Apology accepted, Principal Strickler.
Right, class?
Ha ha ha! Why don't we get right to the lesson?
The lesson, if I may, Mrs. H.,
is that false accusations lead to injustice.
For in this great land of ours,
every man is innocent until proven guilty.
History is replete with the names of the wrongly accused--
Sacco and Vanzetti, Alfred Dreyfus,
Rubin Hurricane Carter,
and to which we can now add the name of Leonard Helperman.
Songs by over-the-hill singers will extol Leonard's innocence.
Scott!
Huh?
The lesson I had in mind
was your reports on South America.
Principal Strickler,
we'd be pleased as punch to have you stay and listen.
Principal Strickler?
[slurping]
[samba drums beating]