♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪
-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪
♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪
♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪
♪ He'd start to drool ♪
-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪
♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪
♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪
♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪
-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪
♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪
♪ He's so over just being rover ♪
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪
♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪
♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪
Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?
Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.
♪ I want to be a boy ♪
I hate dogs.
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪
I do not wish to be a dog.
♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪
♪ I got to be a boy ♪
♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪
♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪
Yes!
[French music playing]
["Greensleeves" playing]
"It is better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all."
How many of you were aware
that the English poet Alfred, Lord Tennyson
was not the first person to say this?
[all talking]
Uh-huh. Okay.
No, actually William Congreve wrote it in his play
"The Way of The World" a full 150 years earlier.
Well, okay, all right, folks, clue in the teach.
What's so ding, dang, darn fascinating
that you can't even pay attention
to today's English lesson?
Haven't you heard, Mrs. Helperman?
The circus is coming to town.
The circus? I love the circus!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ahem.
But we mustn't forget that this is a school night
and there's still homework, and tonight's homework is...
To enjoy the circus! Yay!
[cheering]
[circus music playing]
[elephant trumpets]
[organ playing]
Heh heh heh heh.
[audience cheering]
Gloriosky!
My first circus.
How the heck could they pack all this fun
into one little tent?
Okay, now, hot dogs first, then cotton candy.
I got you orange soda because at least it has the name
of a natural food in it.
Hmm.
It's not really hot, and it's not really a dog.
But still, I just can't bring myself to eat it.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, ho ho ho.
Pure sugar! Mmm, and food coloring.
My conscience is clear.
Oh, boy, the clowns!
[horn honks]
Toot!
[laughter]
[cheering]
[all laughing]
I should have seen that coming!
Ha ha ha ha!
Huh? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'd rather just watch.
[whistling]
[grunting]
No, please, I-I--
allow me, oh, red-nosed one.
No!
Thank you. Thank you! It was nothing.
There's a lot of love in this tent,
and we shouldn't be afraid to talk about it.
[cheering]
[laughing]
[whistles]
[laughter]
[cheering]
[whistles]
[laughing]
Oh, Leonard!
Stop, stop! You're killing me!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages,
cast your eyes toward ring number one
for the world-famous Parisian poodle,
the one, the only...
Fifi!
[cheering]
[French music playing]
[pounding]
Fifi.
Fifi, you make my heart feel so strong and beefy.
Oh, precious Fifi,
let's fly above the trees so green and leafy.
We'll find relief-y from all our grief-y.
But I must be brief-y, do it in a jeefy.
Don't want to hit a reef-y.
For I've no more words to describe
or rhyme with...
Fifi.
Scott?
Um, I think your neighbor would like
to return to his seat, dear.
Huh? Oh.
Uh, ha ha, right.
I guess the circus just makes me a little goofy.
[elephant trumpets]
Excuse me, sir.
I mean, ma'am... Uh, sir-a'am.
Will the clowns be coming out soon?
Here they come!
The guys who changed my life forever.
When I grow up, I want to paint my face white,
jump out of a car engine,
and spray fizzy water down my pants just like you guys.
When I was your age,
I wanted to grow up to be president.
[whistles] Boy, the world's changed.
Oh, where is she? Could I possibly have blinked
and missed the world-famous Parisian poodle,
the one, the only...
Fifi?
Oh, woe.
Oh, pardonnez-moi.
No.
Ooh! Oh, uh, no. No.
Pardonnez is all moi.
Allow me, s'il vous plate.
Ooh!
Mon dieu.
Those eyes, it is as if he could see through
to the very essence of my soul,
as if he were not a boy at all,
but an abnormally smart dog, just like myself.
Don't let the human pants I wear deceive you.
I am also an abnormally smart dog,
perhaps even smarter because I know
that the grammatically preferable usage
is to say "abnormally smart, just like me."
Forgive me. English is my second language.
Mine too.
My first language is the language of love.
Wow, I didn't even think that.
It just came right out of my mouth.
I got all the clowns' autographs!
Ah.
Okay, we can go now.
I have to see you again.
I do two shows tomorrow. The matinee starts at noon.
No, no. I mean...
Oh, ho ho ho.
I see.
You're more French than American, hmm?
Oh, ho ho ho.
Meet me tonight, 7:00, behind the elephants' quarters.
How will I know where that is?
Believe me, you'll know.
[crickets chirping]
Mmm, Fifi...
♪ La da-da Da-da da-da da-da leafy ♪
[humming]
Brief-y.
[humming]
Jeefy.
Ha ha ha.
Reef-y.
Ho ho ho ha ha ha.
♪ My little Fifi ♪
Wacko, wacko, wacko.
[honks horn]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Leonard!
Oh, my soul, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm just practicing my clown routine.
Did you think it was funny?
Funny? If you severely injured your backbone,
ending up hospitalized for weeks,
or worse yet-- I can't even say the word...
Pardon me if I fail to find the humor
in that dreadful scenario of pain and suffering.
I was just trying to get a laugh.
Ah, kid, you're pathetic.
If you want to do a decent pratfall, you got to give it a little this.
[whistling]
Uhh! Bada-boom, bada-bing!
Ha ha ha!
Now, that's funny.
Ha ha! My sides hurt.
Stop! Stop!
I can't breathe!
Great. My canary's got a scholarship to clown college,
and all I got is a sore butt.
What do ya think, Leonard? With or without the collar?
I want her to know that I'm a dog
but not just a dog.
She's been all over the world, you know,
seen things I've only read about.
I can't believe you're so worked up
about some circus dog.
"Some circus dog"? "Some circus dog"?!
Pally, we've been dog and master for a lot of years,
so I'm going to let that one slide,
but if you ever refer to the girl I love
as "some circus dog" again,
I cannot be held responsible for my actions.
"The girl you love"? What's the big deal?
You saw her once for five minutes.
Oh, I see. I see.
And when the sun breaks through the clouds
on a gray and drizzly day,
and suddenly the sky is filled with that dazzling rainbow,
do you also say,
"eh, what's the big deal?"
I love her! Heaven, help me!
Don't tell me not to live, just-sit-and-putter.
Did you hear that, world?
Oh, what kind of crazy cliché have I become?
Ah, who cares?
I am head over heels for a poodle named Fifi!
Ohh, isn't it romantical?
Don't go there, little brother.
She'll only break your heart
and leave you barking at the moon.
Don't listen to him.
Faint heart ne'er won fair maid.
You don't gain anything worthwhile in life
without taking a risk.
Oh, yeah, this from the cat
who hasn't taken a risk in nine lives.
You may be a green clown, but your heart is as hard
as a dried-up old piece of chow.
Listen to your Jolly. It's love that counts.
I say l'amour, l'amour,
give me more l'amour.
L'amour, shlamore.
I used to think that, about a thousand seed bells ago.
Let me tell you fellas a little story
about how I got run over by love
and left by the side of life's highway
like yesterday's road kill.
Of all the pet shops in all the world,
she had to fly by mine. Her name was Gertie.
She was a goose,
but I was the one who got cooked.
One look from those tiny black eyes of hers,
and I'd have torn my feathers out to make her nest.
But it was over before it began.
She migrated south, don't you know,
and left me walking up my plastic ferris wheel,
lonelier than I ever knew a bird could be.
My advice to you boys, never give your heart to a skirt
who's been hard-wired by mother nature
to fly to Tierra del Fuego every six months.
[sobs] I'm not crying.
I just got a little piece of millet in my eye.
It's okay, big guy.
Fall down for us again. That'll make you feel better.
Ha ha ha ha!
See? Ha ha ha!
It hurts, but it's a good hurt.
I'm ready, Leonard. Let's go.
What do you mean, "let's"? It's your dog date.
What the heck do you need me for?
[man] I'm-a don't believing my ears here.
You're asking me to set up an orange crate in the alley,
serve dinner to a couple of mutts,
and play the violin?
Just long enough for them to accidentally chew
on the same piece of spaghetti until their lips meet.
Sonny, "A"-- the board of health
would shut me down in three seconds.
"B" - this is a high-class joint.
We don't call it "spaghetti."
We call it "pasta."
And 3-- dogs don't have lips.
That skinny black line, it's-a not a lip.
Sorry. That was the last Italian restaurant in town.
Guess we all just better go home.
Oh, no!
I have waited for this moment all my life.
But, Spot, we've only known each other a few minutes.
Could everyone just knock it off
with the logic already?
I know how I feel!
Come on!
Please, Mr. Mandelbaum,
it would mean a lot to my dog.
Oh! I'll do my clown act for you.
No, Leonard, no!
You'll kill yourself!
It's a bit.
Oh, Daddy, please help him
so he'll stop doing these scary clown things.
[playing romantic music]
[clock tower chiming]
Sacre bleu, I must go pack my things.
The circus train leaves at 9:00 sharp.
But we've only known each other a few minutes.
I know I said not to say that before,
but it's true, and it's not enough.
There's so much we have yet to do, Fifi--
have litters, lots and lots of litters,
grow old together,
have arthritis in our hip joints together,
and share a bowl of senior formula
for less active dogs
as the sun slowly sets in the West.
♪ You're always In my dream ♪
Oh, Spot, as beautiful as all that sounds,
it took a very long time to say,
and now I really have to run and pack
or I'll miss the circus train for sure.
That's okay. We got to be going anyway.
Au revoir, Mon Cher, l'amour.
Wait!
Come with me, Spot.
Join the circus.
You haven't lived till you've seen the lights
of Tenafly, New Jersey.
Oh, it's happening too fast.
This is all so crazy.
Crazy, Spot, or is it the sanest thing
either one of us has ever done in our crazy lives?
Wow. That should be in a fortune cookie.
No, it's crazy!
Spot is not a circus dog.
He's just a regular dog!
Who, granted, dresses like a boy and goes to school,
but your school is here. Your life is here,
not in Tenafly, New Jersey, or Terre Haute, Indiana,
or Tishomingo, Oklahoma.
How do you know about these places?
They were on the back of this circus popcorn box.
Don't think I haven't dreamed of going there myself...
Someday, when I'm a clown.
[squeaking]
[cranking]
A clown? But you are not funny.
I said it was a dream, okay?
Could everyone just please give me a break?
Argh!
The reality is,
Spot and I live here,
and we have school in the morning.
Let's go.
Meet me at the train.
Okay.
[snoring]
[snoring continues]
[pretending to snore]
[thinking] Is he really snoring,
or is he fake snoring to out-fake-snore me
in a clever attempt to smoke me out?
[loud snore]
Nobody could fake that.
He's got to get those adenoids checked.
Leash...
Rawhide chew...
[sniffs]
Good old tennis balls...
Ah, and "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare."
[snoring]
I'll have a large tomato juice
with a raw egg in it.
Pretty Boy, wake up. Spot's leaving.
What? Only one thing gets a guy up at this hour--
la femme fatale.
I told Fifi I'd meet her at the circus train at 8:00.
I wish I had a sunflower seed for every time I've heard that.
Spot, are you sure?
It's so dangerous and forbidden...
And absolutely romantical.
What are you talking? It's lunacy!
Leaving everything and everyone you love
to run off with some French dish,
travel the world,
smell the greasepaint, hear the applause.
You wouldn't happen to have room for a small bird, would you?
I don't eat much, and I got a lot of great jokes.
Sorry, pretty boy, but like Charles A. Lindbergh
in the first nonstop flight from New York to Paris,
I got to fly solo on this one.
Hey, you big scaredy-cat, you keep Leonard's belly warm
when he's watching TV, you hear?
Yeah. I promise, but I can't say sometimes
it won't be a little moist from my tears.
And you, you blustery little bag of feathers,
you better keep singing a happy tune when I'm gone.
[sobbing]
This darn millet seed just gets everywhere.
I think I'll miss you most of all.
I can't do it. I can't leave Leonard
for some girl I just met for a few minutes.
What? What's going on?
No time to explain.
You got to get dressed, go to the train station,
and deliver a message for me.
I'd take it myself,
but it would just hurt us both too much.
Oh, of all the circus tents in all the fairgrounds
in all the 2-bit towns in the world,
why did she have to jump
through the ring of fire in mine?
Even though Spot can't go to Tishomingo with you tonight,
part of his heart will be there,
and in Tenafly and Tonawanda and...
All the rest of these other places.
All aboard! Whoo-whoo!
No, wait!
I have a message!
Dang.
Tell me, did you tell her?
What did she tell you? No, don't tell me.
I can tell just by looking at your face.
Your face tells me nothing! Tell me!!
She-- she--
She didn't take it well, did she?
She left on that train without saying a word.
Ooh, sweet pain.
Well, as Alfred, Lord Tennyson
and/or William Congreve once so wisely said,
"It is much better to have loved and lost..."
Aah!
"Than never to have loved at all."
Ahh. I shall never forget her.
And I know she'll never forget you.
[train whistle blowing]