Hyah!
Aah!
(Exhales)
Not bad, Mickey,
but your form needs work.
Spar with, uh, someone else
while I confer with captain black.
Sorry about the hard knocks, my friend,
but since section 13's officially out of the dark hand business,
I had to devise a way to justify your overhead to my superiors.
Did you put me on the books as personal trainer,
or punching bag?
Jade: Hyah-ha!
(Gasps)
Jade!
What?
Oh, I, uh, told Mickey to work on that form.
Shendu: Ah, ah...
Gingerly.
Watch your step.
Place it over to the left...
Valmont: And into the incinerator.
We could use some firewood.
Shendu: Silence!
With some sprucing, this fish heap
will be worthy of housing a demon sorcerer--
valmont: Ex-demon sorcerer.
Shendu: - I may be vanquished,
but I am still in charge, valmont,
as you can well see.
Valmont: - This is my hideout, and my body, shendu.
Which reminds me,
I have a change of wardrobe in mind for us.
(Gasps)
You wouldn't dare.
Aah! Aah!
That is a thousand-year-old heirloom
from the ling dynasty!
Well, maybe if game geek over there would have helped.
Oh...
Chow.
Shendu: Ah, yes.
Directions to the door which contains tchangzu,
the thunder demon.
Hey, Cali-for-ni-yay.
We are here--
and we are to go south,
to--
you got that, didn't you?
Uh...
Pretty much all of it,
before we, uh, ran out of tape.
(Growls)
Dude, run.
(Shendu growls)
Aah!
(Gasps)
Water!
That's right, big v--
swimmin' pools and movie stars.
We're headin' for...
Jackie: Hollywood?
I'm on my way, captain black.
Jackie, can I come with, please?
Jade, the dark hand is there,
no doubt searching for a demon portal.
But rafaello dicapezio is getting his footprints in cement
at the Chinese theater this weekend.
Who-faello di-who-zio?
Hello?
Rafaello dicapezio is only
the greatest movie star in the history of...
History.
Uncle: Ahh...
I guess you have never heard of John Wayne.
Ahh, the Duke.
(Imitating John Wayne) Saddle up, pilgrim.
Hmm, I suppose this is one time
you could come along and not be in the way.
Yes!
Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
Jackie: Tohru will be your chaperone,
while I search for the dark hand.
Well, the festivities aren't till tonight,
so why don't we just take a minute
and help you find the demon door?
Happy sightseeing.
I am so sorry that I screamed, Jade.
Yeah, uh,
Frankenstein did look pretty lifelike, t.
Must be all that wax.
Uh, maybe we should bring back a souvenir for uncle.
Do you have any photos of John Wayne?
Tohru.
Aw, we're wanderin', anyway.
I want to see Clark gable's old house.
Frankly, ratso, I don't give a darn.
And who's wanderin'?
We got directions right here.
Chow: Yeah. Halfway between "the pools of despair"
and "the trail of treachery."
It's all so clear.
(Cell phone rings)
Hello?
Jackie, the dark hand guys
are right outside the wax museum.
Uh, Jade, how do you do that?
Never mind.
Do nothing until I get there.
Can't hear you.
(Imitating static)
You're breaking...
Up.
Jade? Oh!
The wax museum--quickly!
Which do you think uncle would like best?
Jade?
Jade: Look, the 3 stooges!
Where? Duh.
All: Hey!
Heh.
You must want this, huh?
Say "cheese," Princess.
"Cheese, Princess."
Tohru!
Maybe he'd like to see some real stars.
Finn: Chan!
Does this qualify as being outnumbered?
Works for me.
Jade, are you all right?
Peachy. Jackie, I got--
what part of "do nothing" didn't you understand?
But Jackie, I got-- watch her.
(Moans)
(Gasps)
I have waited for this moment.
Prepare to meet your doom.
I didn't know the dark hand had a new enforcer.
Hyah!
(Grunting)
Aah!
(Both grunting)
Wires?
Nigel: Cut!
Who are you?
This is a movie set?
Awesome. Are you gonna put Jackie in your movie?
Oh, sure, after I have him arrested!
Nigel, Nigel, calm down.
Larry Franklin, producer of ninjas in the hood.
That was quite a display the way you--
"bam" and "bam, bam!"
(Laughs)
- You have an agent? - Uh...
That would be moi.
Bam, bam. This town's gettin' younger every day.
Look, lar,
Jackie chan here is going to be the next big action superstar,
and you have the opportunity
to get in on the ground floor.
Jade.
Right, Jackie. Did I mention that he does all his own stunts?
Oh!
Give me a jingle. If jc can act, bam--
we're in business.
(Scoffs) Act? Jack--whoa!
Say bye-bye to the nice man, Jade.
Jackie, play your cards right, and you can be a star.
I don't want to be a star.
I want to find the demon portal
before valmont's men do.
Oh, that. It's in the bag.
Jade, how do you do that?
Jackie: If "the pools of despair" are the tar pits...
And "the trail of treachery" is the cahuenga pass...
Halfway should be right here.
"Megagalactic studios?"
Boy, talk about your co-ink-I-dink.
As long as we're gonna be on the lot,
why don't we "do lunch" with lar?
Because "we" had a big breakfast.
Pass?
Uh...
Hey, you're talkin' to the star
of beach babewatch here.
Oh, uh, sorry.
Go right ahead.
Oh! The dark hand?
Pass?
Yes, I would like to.
No, can't let you on the lot
without a pass.
(Ring)
Good afternoon.
Jade arts talent agency.
Jade, I--
I can't get onto the studio lot.
Yes, but--
yes, b-but--
ok, I'll do it.
(Telephone rings) Jade? Hello?
Megagalactic studios.
Hey, sipowicz.
See the human action figure
with the million-dollar smile outside your gate?
He's Jackie chan, the next big thing,
and he has a meeting with the Larry Franklin.
So let me give you lar's number
so you can explain how we're about to sign a deal
with another studio, because you wouldn't let
the man who does his own stunts onto the lot.
Uh, your pass?
Uh, sorry about the inconvenience, Mr. chan.
How does she do that?
You gettin' anything?
It's got to be somewhere around here.
Sorry I can't bring it back! Thank you!
Chan!
Get him!
(Buzz)
Yes?
Oh, put her through.
Jade, what's up?
Lunch? Well, let me check my--
whoa!
What goes up.
Woodchuck Chucks wood!
Whoa...
Aah!
Bam! He really does do his own stunts.
Uh, of course he does.
So, Larry baby, we're on for tomorrow?
You bet--heh--
unless your client's in traction.
Jackie has a meeting.
I'm da bomb. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Um, we're going to be late for the footprint ceremony.
Rafaello, right!
Oh...
Ah, oh.
How come everyone can do that?
Ah! Oh!
Huh? Wha--
the portal!
Greetings, tchangzu.
What took you so long?
Just the usual interference
from Jackie chan.
Then he will interfere no longer.
(Roars)
As the thunder claps,
so do I applaud your skill, brother.
Shendu, you may call me "master."
Of course...
Master.
Ooh, sss...
Now, take me to my palace.
Oh, rubber is an excellent insulator.
The surroundings may not seem familiar,
but I assure you--
my palace!
These humans have paved my paradise
and constructed a--
parking lot.
(Roar)
I will rebuild my palace.
For the time being, shendu,
you shall find a dwelling place which befits me.
Uh, how 'bout that one?
Hmm...
That will do.
Isn't he the dreamiest?
He's all right.
(Crowd murmuring)
Uh-oh.
Away, infidels!
(All murmuring)
Why do they not flee?
They think you are...
Entertainment.
Hmm...
Jade: Who's in charge here?
We specifically asked that crowds be kept
at least 60 feet away.
What are you talkin' about, miss?
How are we supposed to film with all this interference?
Do you know how much that animatronic suit cost?
Film?
They told us it was a footprint ceremony.
Let's go. Crowd control.
Wow, these agents are gettin' younger every day.
Uncle: The immortal who cast the original chi spell
on tchangzu, the thunder demon
was patron deity of actors.
And the portal was located in a movie studio?
Weird. (Cell phone rings)
Hello?
Where are you?
Duh. Chinese theater?
But so's the thunder demon,
and he's packin' serious boltage.
How do you do--
oh, Jade, do nothing until I get there.
Jade never does nothing.
I know, but I feel I have to say it.
Jade: So raf, here's all you gotta do.
When Jackie chan comes running in--
Jackie who?
(Sighs)
Will you sign my arm?
I'm callin' my manager.
He's not so dreamy anymore.
Relax, t. Raf'll come crawling back
once he reads about this in tomorrow's papers.
Lar? Jade.
If you want to catch Jackie in action,
come to the Chinese theater pronto.
Where is the demon?
Inside.
Uncle, the chi spell's ready?
I cannot prepare the spell.
What?! Need ingredients.
Why don't you have ingredients?
How am I supposed to gather chi ingredients
when you steal my apprentice?
"Chaperone." Pahh.
Oh.
Chinatown. Hurry.
I'll try to keep tchangzu inside.
Jackie! What?
Please, Jade, stay here.
Uncle: One more thing.
Powder of komodo dragon tooth.
One more thing.
Tincture of tortoise shell.
One more thing.
Castanets, the symbol of tsao kuo-ch'iu.
(Crash)
In Chinatown?
Tchangzu: I will scorch this city to the ground
while the sound of thunder resonates!
Heh. Guy's a regular Olivier.
Welcome to the cheap seats, chan.
You!
I shall prove that lightning can indeed strike twice.
Baah!
Aah!
Oh...
If life gives you lemons...
Lar, glad you could make it.
Show's about to start.
What show?
Aah!
Bam!
Rhymes with chan.
State of the art.
You guys go all out.
Jade: Uncle!
Must prepare chi spell.
Hold these.
Who's the old guy?
Cranky co-star-- occasional comedy relief.
Forget chan!
If that accursed old man completes his chi spell,
you will be cast back into limbo.
That would be our cue.
(Tohru grunts)
(Roars)
Aah!
(Gasps)
Uh, bam?
Oh!
Jade, play castanets, now!
He's also our musical director.
(Uncle chanting)
(Grunts)
No!
Ole!
(Growls)
So, uh, lar, I'm thinking buddy picture?
Chan and dicapezio, dicapezio and chan.
There is no picture,
and Jackie chan will never do lunch in this town again
ever!
Lar didn't say anything about dinner.
Come on, my treat.
We know of - a Mexican restaurant
where uncle found the castanets.
In Chinatown?
Hollywood is a strange and mysterious place.
So we didn't get a movie deal.
Jackie chan has definitely made his mark in Hollywood.
Hey, Jackie,
have you ever met anybody famous?
One year I was doing, uh, Oscar.
I was standing in the green room.
There's so many big stars in the green room.
I see--wow, John Travolta.
Tom Hanks.
Oh, my god-- Sidney poitier.
I don't know what-- what should I say?
Suddenly, - there's a voice--
"Jackie chan, can I shake your hand?
I turn around-- Robin Williams.
He said, "Jackie, I'm a big fan of yours.
You are great." That makes me proud.