My Patience wears thin, valmont.
Every moment spent imprisoned in this stone casement
is an eternity lost.
I assure you, shendu,
my men are spending every waking moment
searching for your talismans.
Aw, come on, I wanna see the baseball scores.
Uh-uh, not till I finish checking out stuie kablooey.
He's the bomb.
You two. Come closer.
Show me the parchment.
Are you a giants fan, shendu?
(Hisses) Turn it over!
The hair plugs ad?
The statue of lo pei.
Ha, you wanna see lo pei?
You ought to check out my salary.
Get it? Low pay?
Fools! Lo pei was the warrior
who scattered my talismans
to the 4 corners of the earth
and turned me into a statue.
Well, I guess somebody
did the same to him, huh?
What goes around comes around.
No, that is simply a statue made of terra cotta.
Whose leggings Bear inscriptions.
(Hisses) Which may provide precious clues
as to the whereabouts of the remaining talismans.
Bring the terra cotta warrior to me.
Hurry, uncle. We're on a very tight--
ow! The great wall was not built in a day.
Translations are very tricky.
School to uncle's in 3.5 minutes. A new record!
And the crowd goes wild.
No!
Oh--
oh! What did you do?!
What did you do?
You put an old junk heap
in the middle of the floor.
That old junk heap is a priceless antiquity
on loan from the museum.
Desecration of a sacred artifact.
This is very bad.
It's just a crack.
Heh.
Ohh, broken statue.
Sorry.
- Broken statue. - Sorry.
Broken statue. Sorry.
Jasmine tea to calm the nerves.
Yes, I can see my future in the tea leaves.
The museum contacts the university,
my career winds up like that statue.
Ruined. Ow!
Your career not important!
Now, we will never read the inscriptions.
Knowledge has been lost forever.
Must call my insurance agent.
See if I'm covered for this.
Look.
All we gotta do is figure out
which pieces go where.
Like a Jigsaw puzzle.
I'm just trying to help.
I think you've helped enough already.
(Scoffs) Think again.
"Statue of warrior lo pei,
ling dynasty, wantoon region."
So where is it?
Someplace in China.
I meant the statue.
Says here it's on loan...
To Jackie chan.
Jackie!
Uncle.
Broken statue has disappeared.
(Gasps) But how? The dark hand?
(Gasp) (Gasp)
We know you got the statue, Jackson.
Where is it?
It's missing. Broken.
Missing.
You need to get your story straight.
Ok. But first, tea.
Huh, ooh, wha--whoo!
Ah-aah! Yeeow!
Jackie! Tea pot is antique!
Thank you.
Time to cut to the chase, chan.
And I do mean cut.
Waaa?!
Jackie!
Waste of time, dudes.
Yeah. The statue's not even here.
I got errands.
So, if the dark hand
did not take the broken statue,
then who?
My little helper.
The healer.
Ok, humpty dumpty, maybe all the king's horses
couldn't put you back together again,
but he never had one of these.
Yes!
Jackie will be stoked.
Especially if I help uncle figure out
what these chicken scratches say
about the talismans.
As if.
Why not get it right from the horse's mouth?
Motion to the motionless.
Ok, rat, do your thing.
Yes!
Where am I?
The real world. Cool, huh?
Now, talismans pop quiz time.
Talismans? What do you know of the--
the horse!
Yep. Used my little pony here
to do a patch job on your, uh, self.
How can this be?
As the dandelion scatters its seeds to the 4 winds,
so did I scatter the talismans
to the 4 corners of the earth.
That was then, and this is section 13.
Got a mess of 'em right here,
safe and-- here?
Well, not right here.
Downstairs in the, uh, vault.
Show me!
Uh, can't. You've gotta have clearance to--
oh, boy.
As the silkworm senses the nearness of the armored beetle,
I sense the talismans are at hand.
Not even warm.
Oh, well. So close.
But you need a pass key.
Energy scroll.
Or one of those.
Some are missing. Where is the dog?
The pig? The monkey? The rat?
Uh, the rat's closer than you think.
See, when I brought you to life,
it kinda got stuck inside your--
(crash)
I must once again safeguard these,
lest they fall into the hands
of the ultimate evil.
Freeze!
Yes, you will.
Immobilizer scroll!
Hold your fire.
Watch out for the child.
Energy scroll.
Really. I can explain.
No need. The intruder was obviously an emissary of the dark hand,
utilizing a high-octane nerve gas.
You were foolish to try and stop him on your own.
But also very brave.
Yeah, well, I try to be of help.
Yes, and I wish you would stop helping.
(Gasps) The talismans! How?
Uh, you know that broken statue?
Well, he's not so broken anymore.
Uh, what?!
Don't worry, Jackie. I can help.
Oop, the "h" word.
I meant help find the warrior,
not help do the laundry.
Sorry, miss. Orders.
Ugh! "One cup per load. Do not overuse."
Hmm.
Tour guide: Next stop, the rock, a.K.A. Alcatraz.
Although no longer in use, it was once the most famous,
most impenetrable prison in the world.
Impenetrable.
Levitation scroll!
Whoa! Call maintenance.
Uh, he looks like this.
Only he's not a statue, right?
Tour guide: Though originally built as a civil war fort,
Alcatraz served as a federal penitentiary from 1934 through 1963,
housing some of the world's most notorious criminals,
including al Capone.
A worthy place to secure the first talisman.
Energy scroll!
Wait, please!
Don't do that.
Who are you?
I'm the one who borrowed you from the museum.
You need to come home.
And the talismans need to be returned to section 13,
out of reach of the dark hand.
I know nothing of dark hands.
Only that the talismans must remain hidden,
lest they fall into the hands of the ultimate evil.
The ultimate evil? What is that?
You dare ask a sacred warrior to speak its name?
But you're not a warrior.
You're a statue. Terra cotta. Uh--
(hollow clucking)
I-I-I'll prove it to you.
Scroll magic.
Oof. Whoa!
Actually, daily tribune.
Ok, new plan.
How about we work together?
You know the location
of the remaining talismans, right?
Yes. And that is knowledge you shall never possess.
Energy scroll!
Ooh!
Ah-ah-ah-oh.
Jackie.
Big city, small statue.
What's shendu think, we're gonna see it walkin' around?
Don't know. But we got a read on a talisman.
Whoa. It's the statue.
But he's moving.
Uh, don't usually see that kind of behavior in a statue.
Unless he's packin' talisman, huh?
Guess the boss would want us to confiscate it?
Yeah, but what the boss don't know can't hurt us.
I can dig it.
Ooh.
Aah!
Oh--
unh!
Finn: And he was whuppin' chan pretty good.
Rather ironic, is it not, shendu?
A statue of the man who turned you into a statue
is no longer a--
silence!
So, lo pei has become a living being.
Probably used the talisman. Oof!
Lo pei possesses a talisman,
and your men do nothing to retrieve it?!
Big v, you should've seen the guy.
He's packin' paper.
Exploding kind.
We'd be toast.
You are expendable.
However, the talismans are not.
You shall employ a weapon more powerful than scrolls.
Cunning.
You will convince lo pei you are his allies,
fellow warriors of the ling dynasty.
Uh, maybe you haven't noticed, shen-dude,
but we don't exactly have that ancient warrior look.
Hi. Remember me?
Out of my way, child.
Child?! I released you.
You should be calling me master,
and granting me wishes.
Look, I really messed up,
and I want to make things right.
How about we just hop the number 4 bus to section 13,
return the talismans to the vault?
No harm, no foul.
What do you say, big guy?
What is this strange gesture?
It means a-ok. We're pals.
The small one is no pal.
She is the enemy, o great lo pei.
You know my name?
Sure. We're your homies.
Talk flowery, like shendu said.
I--I mean, uh, fellow warriors from the ling dynasty,
come to help.
As, uh, the dew helps the morning glory to blossom.
Oh, yeah. That's us.
No way you're buying this.
The emperor sent us to help you hide the talisman--
talismans.
You got so many, he figures we can do it faster and cheaper.
They are so lying. They're the dark hand.
Bad guys. Enemies of Jackie and me!
Yeah, lo pei, you know Jackie.
The guy who was trying to bust you up
back on Alcatraz.
He's her uncle.
Uh, by marriage.
Hardly know him, really. Heh.
As the Lily pad offers respite
to the weary bullfrog,
so your service to our cause is much appreciated.
No--unh. Let go! Unh.
A sacred warrior would never harm a child.
You are impostors!
Yes.
(Gasps) Look out!
Your cab's here.
Unh! Oh!
Hey. Big tipper.
Unh!
Energy scroll.
Uh, uh, power up!
Um, abracadabra?
Lo pei: Levitation scroll!
You're ok.
Yes, but I have no wound.
Well, that's 'cause you're a statue.
Those false warriors in the employ
of the ultimate evil
now possess the talismans.
I have failed.
Wait. We can get 'em back.
Where's that old sacred warrior spirit?
Eye of the tiger. Never say never.
Hoo-ah!
Jade! No! Don't hurt her.
It's ok, Jackie. Me and lo pei are pals.
Pals. A-ok.
And the talismans?
Oh, those.
Well, the dark hand kinda got the drop on us,
and...Eh, heh--
oh.
We'll get the talismans back. Warriors, yes!
Warriors, no.
You are a child,
and I am an archaeologist.
Er, though not for long
if I don't get you back to the museum.
Again, you speak nonsense.
As the Crescent moon is duty-bound to follow the sunset,
so shall I smite this dark hand.
Hoo-ahh!
(Quietly) Hoo-ahh?
It's an ancient warrior thing.
What is the meaning of this?
Rooster, ox, bunny, horsey.
We got the whole kit 'n' caboodle.
Shendu: You failed to mention the rat.
Uh, sorry, big cheese, no rat.
Honest. We checked all his pockets.
(Hisses) That is because lo pei carries it within him,
you fools!
You will remove it or face my wrath.
How are we supposed to get it from inside the guy--
bran flakes?
You were speaking the truth.
I am a statue.
But if this is true, how--how can it be?
Motion to the motionless.
Mmm...
The power of the rat.
Hey, come on.
Everybody likes a statue.
The dark hand!
Why? They have all the talismans.
No, they do not.
Duh.
Immobilizer scroll!
Go, lo.
Shadowkhan.
You must go.
As the bamboo stands firm
against the furious hail,
so shall I stave them off
so long as I am able.
I entrust you to guard the talismans
and keep your world safe from the ultimate evil.
I understand. Thank you.
Good-bye, pal.
Energy scroll!
We can't just leave him.
You think I want to?
He's on loan from the museum in my name.
But we have to secure the talismans.
The statue is as good as new.
Uh, I mean old.
Better, even. You need to see this, Jade.
Why?
(Gasps)
Hoo-ahh!
Man: Hey, Jackie.
Yes?
Do you collect anything?
I collect a lot of miniatures.
My secretary put my little picture inside.
Did you see that?
I was in Russia,
and there's a big lock behind my shoulder pack.
When I'd walk, it was like this.
Because it's, like, really, really heavy.
I--right now, I have more than
1,000 cup and saucers.
I'm a pretty funny person.
I collect a lot of funny things.