Waitress: Refill, hon?
Black: Thanks.
(Sighs)
Nice to have a few minutes
before heading into the office.
Waitress: So what do you do?
Black: Oh, uh...
I'm in pest control.
Waitress: Ha. Got a few in this place, I can tell you that.
(Engine revving)
Black: Hey! What the--uhh!
Waitress: What, no tip?
(Crash)
Uncle: Eyaah!
You break it, you bought it!
(Gasps)
Uncle: Eyaah!
Uncle reserves right to refuse service to you.
S-whoooooo!
Zwwww! Uhh!
I broke it...
You still bought it! Oop!
(Tohru whistling)
(Gasps)
Jackie: No! Stop!
The persian carpet should go to the left of the abyssinian.
(Cell phone rings)
Oh, excuse me.
Hello?
Tohru: Jackie, something has happened to uncle.
He has been taken away in a huge vehicle.
Jackie, yelling: I am sorry, tohru.
It is hard to hear you.
There is a very loud truck outside.
Jackie: Bwaaaa!
Uh, deliveries in the back, please.
Strikemaster ice: Not a delivery, yo...
It's a pick up...
And you're the merchandise.
Ugh! That's all right.
We'll just kick it old school.
Jackie: Uhh!
Please, no more kicking it...
Or punching it,
and especially no burning it.
Whatever is troubling you,
why don't we discuss it outside?
These carpets are a thousand years old.
Strikemaster ice: For reals? Tsk.
Now see, a museum this nice
ought to spring for a new wall-to-wall shag.
Jackie: Aah!
Jackie: Aah! Kettle... Hot, hot, hot!
Strikemaster ice: Aw, dawg,
you just need to put a little ice on that...
Strikemaster ice.
Jackie: Uhh!
(Jackie groans)
Ms. hardman: And this is another perfect example
of prehistoric man.
Now let's move on to a later specimen:
The brutish cro-magnon man.
Kids: Ugh! Yikes! What the...
Jade: Tohru?? What's going--uhh!
Tohru: Uh, may Jade be excused?
Ms. hardman: Uh... Well, I--I suppose.
Has she been signed out at the office?
Jade: Jackie and uncle?
Tohru: Yes. I phoned section 13
and it seems captain black is missing as well.
Jade: This is big, t.
Tohru: What's most important is that I keep you safe.
Jade: Safe, nothing. Time to tcb.
Take care of business.
Hello?
Rescue Jackie, uncle, and the captain.
Jade: Ok. Job one:
Search for clues.
Once we I.D. The perps--
(phone rings)
Tohru: It is Jackie's cell phone calling.
Jade: Jackie?
Drago: Unnhhh! Guess again.
But your uncle is a guest of mine,
along with the old-timer and captain "whack."
Jade: You touch one hair on their heads--
well, not captain black,
'cause, you know, he doesn't have any,
but you know what I mean!
Drago: Uh, you're in no position to be making threats, junior,
but their safe return is up to you.
Jade: So it's a ransom you're after.
I'm listening.
Drago: Here's the deal.
You get all 3 of them back
when I get - the containment unit.
You know, the one with all the demon chi.
Jade: Yeah, well...
I don't know what you're talking about.
(Sniffs)
You had garlic for breakfast, didn't you?
Drago: don't play dumb.
Deliver the chi or else.
Jade: It'll take some time.
Drago: Time is something you don't have, pipsqueak.
We make the switch at 3 A.M. on the golden gate bridge.
Be there or--
Jade: Be square?
Drago: No! Be there or you'll be spending
the rest of your wonder years
being raised by that 500-pound sumo.
Jade: Sheesh! Evil and a jerk.
Tohru: Hmmph! I weigh only 480.
Jade: Ok. We gotta go along with what drago says.
Jackie and uncle and black's lives are at stake.
Tohru: But allowing drago to take possession of the demon powers
will put the entire planet at risk.
Jade: Duh! That's why we're gonna pull a fast one.
Sure, we deliver the containment unit,
but not before - you come up with a spell.
Tohru: A spell? Jade: Yep.
A spell to put the kibosh on drago--
to short-circuit the powers as soon as drago sucks 'em up.
Tohru: That's a wonderful ID--
wait. I am just uncle's apprentice.
A spell that powerful is...
Well, beyond my abilities.
Jade: What are you talking about, big guy?
You've got mad skills! You know what uncle told me?
He said, (Imitating uncle) "Tohru may be most naturally gifted wizard
uncle has ever met."
Tohru: Really?
Jade: Uh, well, maybe not those exact words,
but with the same accent.
The point is, he totally believes in you, and so do I.
Jade: Where are you going?
Tohru: I have a spell to conjure.
Jade: You go, t! I know you can do it!
She said, hopefully.
Drago: Everyone comfy?
No? Good.
Black: Whatever it is you want, drago,
(chains clatter) You're not going to get it.
Drago: Oh, but I am!
In 8 chi-licious flavors.
Jackie: The containment unit.
Drago: I first considered an assault on section 13
but then realized... Why battle for it
when the containment unit can be hand-delivered in a nice, tidy bow.
Uncle: Huh! Too much time in junkyard makes demon speak rubbish!
Drago: Think again, old-timer.
You know the old saying...
A chan is only as strong as its weakest link.
Tch. I hope it's not a school night.
Jackie: Leave Jade out of this.
Drago: Too late! She's the main attraction.
And showtime's 3 A.M.!
But wait--there's more!
Once the demon chi is mine,
the real fun begins!
Jackie: A trip to mooseworld is fun.
What you have in mind is... Probably not fun!
Uh...Whatever it is.
Drago: Oh, don't be such a party pooper, chan.
See, this world of yours is a real yawn,
and you know why? No demons.
They're all stuck down under
while you humans run around like you own the place!
Is that fair? No!
Well, guess what! Planet's about to come under new management!
And my first order of business will be
to turn this world inside out!
Just imagine... A population of demons running amok
with me, drago, pulling the strings!
Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!
Yeah, pretty soon now it's good-bye, humanity,
hello, demonville!
Daddy would be so proud.
Come on, gang, gimme some props.
Uncle: Bah! Dopey demon will not succeed.
Drago: Oh? And why's that, grandpa?
Jackie: Because we are going to
stop yo-ou-ou-ou!
Drago: Catch!
Jackie: Uncle!
Black: Jackie.
I think those chains need a lube job.
Jackie: Ha! The oily bird always catches the worm.
Drago: Yeah? Well, today's oily bird special
is some free body work!
(Metal crashes)
Strikemaster ice: Goin' somewhere?
Jackie, tiny voice: Bad day.
Mc cobra: Ha ha. - Hope you like your new digs!
Drago: I told you to stay nearby.
They nearly escaped!
Strikemaster ice: Yeah, dawg, we noticed. Too much for ya, huh?
Drago: I wouldn't take that tone with me if I were you.
Oh!
Strikemaster ice: You ain't the big cheese no more, d.
Me and my posse got mad powers!
You got zip.
Drago: Yes, well, that's about to change.
And when it does, I won't forget our little chat.
Tohru: It is ready!
Jade: The spell? Tohru: Uh, no. My tea.
It helps me to concentrate.
I am still working on the spell.
Jade: No pressure, big guy, but clock's ticking.
Ready?
Tohru: No. Soon.
Jade: We good to go?
Tohru: Not yet.
Jade: Ready?
Tohru: Yes! Jade: Yes!
Tohru: And...No.
Jade: Translation?
Tohru: I believe the spell could work,
but we are missing a key ingredient.
Jade: Name it! I'll make a run to the 24/7 store.
Tohru: It requires an essence of drago,
something physical such as a piece of hair
or a fingernail.
Jade: You mean like a DNA sample?
Tohru: Yes. I have failed.
Jade: Hold up. In school we learned that relatives share DNA.
So something from a member of drago's family could work, too!
Tohru: Perhaps. But what good--
shendu!
Jade: Dear old dad, in lockup in section 13,
right next door to the containment unit.
Tohru: He is encased in stone.
Jade: Yeah, well, then guess we'll have to take a chip off the old block.
Let's move!
(Shendu rasping)
Jade: Aah!
Jade: You're not scaring me.
You're stuck in stone and can't do a thing!
Shendu: Why so nervous?
As you say, I am powerless in my current form.
Yet see how the very elements of your earthly realm
shatter in my presence!
Jade: Yeah. Ok. Whatever.
Great special effects...Not!
Shendu: I know why you are here.
Jade: No way.
Shendu: My ungrateful traitor of a son, drago!
He is close to gaining possession of the demon powers.
Jade: But it's not gonna happen, not on my watch!
Shendu: Foolish child!
There is but one power on earth that can defeat drago,
and it is I, his father.
Jade: We're on the same page, rocky road.
Shendu: What do you think you're--
Jade: Just a trim. You'll never miss it.
Thanks. don't get up. I'll let myself out.
Shendu, in fury: Aaahh!
Tohru: It is nearly 3:00. Did you--
Jade: Piece of cake! Come on!
We have a date with a demon to get to!
(Tohru grunts)
Uncle: Eyaaah! It is almost 3:00!
Do something, Jackie!
Jackie, grunting: Oh!
I am trying, uncle!
(Grunts)
Ow!
Uncle: Trying not helping.
Doing would be helping.
Black: I'm sure Jade wouldn't be so foolish
as to actually deliver the containment unit to drago.
Jackie: To protect us, I fear Jade might do anything.
Uncle: Only one opportunity to stop drago
if he obtains all demon powers.
Uncle needs to have chi-o-matic,
make a few adjustments.
(Growls from ice and crew)
Black: Jackie, what if we break huddle, throw ourselves at the line,
and allow uncle to make an end run?
Not a football fan. Got it.
Uncle: He means you should create diversion!
Jackie: Oh! Yes.
Strikemaster ice: Yo, these fools be getting all silly!
Strikemaster ice: Dudes tried to bust a move. As if.
Drago: Where's the geezer?
Strikemaster ice: Oh. Ain't no thing.
Gotta be around here somewhere.
Drago: Idiot! Just wrap them up and get them in the truck.
Strikemaster ice: - What's the magic word, dawg?
Jade: Ok, t, you hang in the shadows.
Soon as drago shows, you blast him with that voodoo that you do.
Tohru: We must time it precisely.
The spell may only be activated
at the exact moment drago begins to absorb the chi.
Jade: Roger that.
The demon has landed.
Drago: Show me the chi!
Jade: Show me the chan clan!
Drago: I told you slackers to stay in the truck.
Strikemaster ice: Yeah, well us slackers
kinda changed our minds about how it's gonna go down.
Drago: Oh?
Mc cobra: Figured why let you get all the powers?
Drago: You... Want some of them?
Strikemaster ice: No, dawg. We want all of them!
Drago: I may not have fire,
but you're still toast!
Tohru: Oh, this was not part of the plan!
Jade: No kidding.
(Crew making attack cries)
(Drago grunts)
Tohru: This is not good. The spell!
Jade: I know. It'll only work if drago grabs the chi!
Never thought I'd say this, but...
Come on, drago, you're the man!
If you can't do it, no one can!
Jackie: The keys are still in the ignition.
Jade: Drago won! Yes!
¶ Go, demon, he's a winner, oh, yeah-- ¶
strikemaster ice: Too bad. Dude hates the water.
Jade: Hey, no Jackie, no containment unit.
We had a deal.
Mc cobra: Yeah? Well, my man dj fist's got the deal-breaker.
Jade: Look out! Tohru: No!
Oh...Uh...
Strikemaster ice: 8 powers, 3 of us...
Let's see, we gotta divide that by 8 by 3--
uh, carry the-- naw, see we--wait. Naw.
Mc cobra: 2 of us gets 3. One of us gets 2.
Strikemaster ice: Ok, here's the dilly-o.
Dj, you get earth and moon.
See, 'cause those are the 2 best powers, yo.
I'm doin' you a solid here.
(Fist growls)
Jade and tohru: Bad day.
Jackie: Can't see!
Mc cobra: Hoo hoo! Yeah! Feel the burn!
Strikemaster ice: Look out, San Fran,
'cause we're gonna turn this sucker out, yo!
Jackie: No, you are not!
Black: Jackie, you can't take them on.
No arms, no legs.
Jackie: No problem.
It is simply a matter of...
Balance.
Mc cobra: Ooh! Here comes the cavalry.
Lemme water their horses.
Tohru and Jade: Whoa!
(The crew laughs)
Strikemaster ice: What are you gonna do, bite us?
Mc cobra: Let's school the fool. Check it out, yo!
Thunder and lightning!
Jackie: Is that... The best you can do?
Strikemaster ice: Naw. We just gettin' started, yo.
Power of the wind, yo!
(Jackie mumbling)
I am still standing.
Ow.
Strikemaster ice: Yo, let's finish this.
We got a whole world out there to cruise and bruise!
Yo. Somebody call a cab?
Uncle: Yo mo guai guey à fi Dee tsao...
Mc cobra: Hey, the geezer's got that chi-suckin' gizmo!
Jade: Uncle! Yes!
Tohru: Sensei must have adjusted the chi-o-matic,
allowing it to absorb all the demon-chi at once!
Uncle: Yo mo guai guey à fi Dee tsao...
Yo mo guai guey à fi Dee tsao!
Eyaaah! Something rotten in Denmark!
Drago: Ya gaa mee mo, à ya gaa mee chi-wah.
Ya gaa mee mo, à ya gaa mee chi-wah.
Jackie: Drago is drawing the powers to himself!
How can he do that, uncle?
Uncle: Do not know. Never heard that spell before.
Yes, keep change!
Jade: Whoa! Drago must have been taking night classes. Got a new spell.
New spell! Do yours--now!
Drago: Ya gaa mee mo, à ya gaa mee chi-wah.
Tohru: Mee tahna...Chi! À chi-mee tahna...Chi!
Oh!
Uncle: Eeaaah!
Drago: Finally, all the demon powers-- mine!
Strikemaster ice: Uh, yo, we helped, d. don't forget that.
Drago: Take a last look at this world of yours, humans!
Because I'm about to turn it topsy-turvy
and all kinds of curvy!
But first things first...
Ya gaa mee mo, à ya gaa mee chi-wah.
Ya gaa mee mo, - à ya gaa mee chi-wah.
Ya gaa mee mo, à ya gaa mee chi-wah.
Jade: Hey Jackie, what's the most embarassing thing that's ever happened to you?
Oh, I remember.
There was almost 20-some years ago.
I was doing a difficult shot. I was doing the hacky-sack, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
So many takes.
And sweating.
After the shot, I want to go in the cold water.
I take off my shirt. I try to take off my pants,
but my pants stick with my underwear.
Underwear is gone.
That's the most embarrassing.