1 00:00:31,654 --> 00:00:34,168 I don't know, Nick. You're the accountant. 2 00:00:34,254 --> 00:00:36,610 -These books... -Yeah, I know. 3 00:00:36,695 --> 00:00:38,413 -Hello? -I'm not sure. 4 00:00:38,495 --> 00:00:41,568 Hello, there! Excuse me! 5 00:00:41,656 --> 00:00:44,012 I just wonder if... Hel... 6 00:00:44,097 --> 00:00:46,817 It'll be different this time. Honestly. 7 00:00:46,898 --> 00:00:49,048 The accounts are in order. 8 00:00:49,138 --> 00:00:52,689 OK. I'll see you in an hour. OK. Bye. 9 00:00:52,779 --> 00:00:55,090 -Now... -Those books, how much? 10 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,491 -Hm? -The leather-bound books. 11 00:00:57,581 --> 00:01:00,300 The Collected Works of Charles Dickens. 12 00:01:00,381 --> 00:01:03,852 -They're real leather? -They're real Dickens. 13 00:01:03,942 --> 00:01:07,823 I have to know because they have to go with a sofa. 14 00:01:07,903 --> 00:01:11,659 Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you 200. 15 00:01:11,745 --> 00:01:14,464 -200 what? -£200. 16 00:01:14,545 --> 00:01:16,981 Are they leather-bound pounds? 17 00:01:18,226 --> 00:01:20,537 -No. -They won't go with my wallet. 18 00:01:20,627 --> 00:01:22,300 Next! 19 00:01:27,189 --> 00:01:28,827 -Hello! -Hello. 20 00:01:28,909 --> 00:01:31,948 I need The Little Book of Calm, do you have it? 21 00:01:32,030 --> 00:01:34,910 I'm late for work. Uh, Calm... 22 00:01:34,991 --> 00:01:37,107 Er, is this it? 23 00:01:37,191 --> 00:01:39,661 No, no, it's just... Too big, too big. 24 00:01:39,752 --> 00:01:41,426 Little... just little... 25 00:01:41,513 --> 00:01:44,551 -This one, this? -No! No, calm. 26 00:01:44,633 --> 00:01:47,069 -The Little Book of Calm. -Er, this? 27 00:01:47,154 --> 00:01:48,828 That's the one! Yes! 28 00:01:48,915 --> 00:01:50,792 -Two-fifty. -Two-fifty... 29 00:01:50,875 --> 00:01:53,470 -Could... -I'll just get you a bag. 30 00:01:53,556 --> 00:01:55,753 No, no - no bag, just the book! 31 00:01:55,837 --> 00:01:58,829 -I'll do you a receipt. -No, that's fine! 32 00:01:58,917 --> 00:02:03,789 It's broken. I'll write one. Little... 33 00:02:03,879 --> 00:02:07,555 I'll do it! Calm, two-fifty. Thank you. 34 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,394 [MUTTERING FRANTICALLY] 35 00:02:13,841 --> 00:02:15,913 "Let-let-let go once in a while," 36 00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:19,280 "you are a loose lily floating down an amber river." 37 00:02:20,643 --> 00:02:22,237 [SIGHS] 38 00:02:23,324 --> 00:02:25,441 Sorry. I hate my job. 39 00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:30,323 What a strange man. 40 00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:36,760 Right, the shop is closed! Everybody get out! 41 00:02:36,848 --> 00:02:40,638 -Time to go home! Come on! -It's only quarter to three. 42 00:02:40,729 --> 00:02:43,688 Yes, but it's my shop! Come on, go home! Bye-bye! 43 00:02:43,770 --> 00:02:47,321 -It's hardly fair. -It's not fair at all. Get out! 44 00:02:47,411 --> 00:02:51,007 -I expect better service... -Expect away. Bye-bye! 45 00:02:51,092 --> 00:02:55,007 Come on, you time-wasting bastards! Back on the streets! 46 00:02:55,093 --> 00:02:59,053 Goodbye! Thank you! Bye-bye-bye! Back to reality. Thank you! 47 00:03:08,616 --> 00:03:10,972 [MECHANICAL KNOCKING] 48 00:03:17,899 --> 00:03:20,574 -Bernard, do you want this? -What is it? 49 00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:22,776 -It's a thing. -Is it? 50 00:03:22,860 --> 00:03:25,455 -Yes. -What does it do? 51 00:03:25,541 --> 00:03:28,341 -It's very in. -You don't know, do you? 52 00:03:28,422 --> 00:03:30,572 It's very now. 53 00:03:30,662 --> 00:03:33,940 Will you mind the shop? I have to see my accountant. 54 00:03:34,023 --> 00:03:38,097 Will you get an assistant so I don't have to keep doing this? 55 00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:42,339 OK, but you have to do the same for me the day after tomorrow. 56 00:03:42,426 --> 00:03:44,064 OK. Why? 57 00:03:44,146 --> 00:03:46,024 -You know Julie? -Yeah. 58 00:03:46,107 --> 00:03:48,383 They're inducing the baby and... 59 00:03:48,467 --> 00:03:50,903 she's asked me to be birth partner. 60 00:03:50,988 --> 00:03:52,342 Ugh. 61 00:03:52,428 --> 00:03:55,581 There'll be a lot of blood and shouting and... 62 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,786 No, I'll just get drunk. 63 00:03:57,870 --> 00:04:01,751 In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk... 64 00:04:01,831 --> 00:04:04,061 it'll be just like the old days. 65 00:04:04,151 --> 00:04:06,746 OK, have a nice time. Bye. 66 00:04:13,154 --> 00:04:14,906 Hello? 67 00:04:16,675 --> 00:04:20,351 I do sell a lot of wank, don't I? 68 00:04:22,957 --> 00:04:25,471 So, show me your new filing system, Bernard. 69 00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:28,390 This is March... 70 00:04:28,478 --> 00:04:32,268 to, er... Oobely-boo. 71 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:35,635 This is... Misc... 72 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:40,352 And-and-and the rest are, er... Other. 73 00:04:40,441 --> 00:04:43,594 Other what? Other backdated weeks, is it? 74 00:04:43,682 --> 00:04:46,675 No. Other... 75 00:04:46,763 --> 00:04:48,162 times. 76 00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:51,714 So it goes This Week, Very Recent, and... 77 00:04:51,804 --> 00:04:53,364 All Other Times. 78 00:04:53,445 --> 00:04:57,440 Help me out here, Bernard, what does All Other Times cover? 79 00:04:57,526 --> 00:04:59,723 I don't know, Nick! I'm not... 80 00:05:01,007 --> 00:05:02,805 Wonder Woman. 81 00:05:02,887 --> 00:05:07,247 This new system is closely modeled on the old system, isn't it? 82 00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:13,399 I'd go further than that. I'd say it was exactly the same. 83 00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:14,845 Except... 84 00:05:15,971 --> 00:05:17,724 No, it's the same. 85 00:05:17,812 --> 00:05:20,691 I just sort of lied on the phone, Nick. I lied. 86 00:05:20,772 --> 00:05:22,207 Well... 87 00:05:22,293 --> 00:05:25,650 -[DID YOU HEAR THAT?] -What? What? 88 00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:28,374 Oh, nothing. You're lucky I'm so... 89 00:05:29,295 --> 00:05:32,334 accommodating. Other accountants might... 90 00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:33,736 [PHONE] 91 00:05:34,376 --> 00:05:37,369 Hello? Yes, Jane. Oh, right. 92 00:05:39,177 --> 00:05:42,489 OK, yeah, mm-hm. 93 00:05:42,578 --> 00:05:44,536 [WHIRRING] 94 00:05:46,539 --> 00:05:49,612 -I've just got to pop off. -What, now? 95 00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:52,011 Yeah, see you soon, all right? Bye. 96 00:05:55,182 --> 00:05:58,653 He's always one step ahead! The cat has left the basket. 97 00:05:58,743 --> 00:06:00,893 The cat has left the basket! 98 00:06:00,983 --> 00:06:02,861 [SIRENS] 99 00:06:11,146 --> 00:06:13,900 Mmm. Yeah, it's flying. I'm right on it. 100 00:06:13,987 --> 00:06:17,583 It'll be in the pipe soon. The best thing is if I... 101 00:06:22,029 --> 00:06:23,703 You... 102 00:06:25,110 --> 00:06:28,024 Manny... What's that you're eating? Soup? 103 00:06:28,111 --> 00:06:30,182 Yes. 104 00:06:34,793 --> 00:06:36,227 It's extra-chunky. 105 00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:39,227 -What's in it?! -Chunks. 106 00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,346 Should I be doing something? 107 00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:45,986 I have the Gleason accounts - I would've e-mailed them 108 00:06:46,076 --> 00:06:50,753 but I had a... a lot of clink on... the stuffer... expander, 109 00:06:50,837 --> 00:06:54,388 and, er... plug went in some Tizer. 110 00:06:54,478 --> 00:06:57,153 Look, just shape up or ship out, all right? 111 00:07:06,921 --> 00:07:09,198 [PHONE] 112 00:07:14,723 --> 00:07:17,000 Eh? Hi, yih. 113 00:07:17,084 --> 00:07:18,917 Yuh. 114 00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:23,159 [MUFFLED] Yeah, I'm chasing up the, er... 115 00:07:23,246 --> 00:07:25,203 the company account. 116 00:07:36,249 --> 00:07:38,207 "Visualize the ocean." 117 00:07:41,291 --> 00:07:44,569 [YELLING] 118 00:07:46,212 --> 00:07:48,170 Oh, a calm ocean, right. 119 00:07:50,693 --> 00:07:53,083 Right, we've got to get Friday's invoices in. 120 00:07:53,174 --> 00:07:55,530 OK, yeah. Here I come. 121 00:08:00,336 --> 00:08:02,691 -[CHOKING] -What is it? 122 00:08:04,937 --> 00:08:07,691 [CHOKING] It's my Little Book of Calm... 123 00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:10,532 I've swallowed my Little Book of Calm! 124 00:08:10,619 --> 00:08:12,895 [SIREN WAILING] 125 00:08:14,820 --> 00:08:18,496 Is it some kind of bald Furby? 126 00:08:20,941 --> 00:08:24,333 Bernard! Early closing? How'd it go? 127 00:08:24,422 --> 00:08:29,180 Nick the accountant... Nick the accountant... is a fugitive! 128 00:08:33,825 --> 00:08:36,261 -I'm not doing my accounts! -Why? 129 00:08:36,346 --> 00:08:38,178 You can stick it up your ass! 130 00:08:38,266 --> 00:08:42,704 Bernard, you'll have to do them yourself. It's easy. 131 00:08:42,787 --> 00:08:44,938 Yeah, give it... give it a go. 132 00:08:45,028 --> 00:08:47,543 I'm sure I could muddle along. 133 00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,985 WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! 134 00:08:53,430 --> 00:08:55,229 THE WHAT?! 135 00:08:55,311 --> 00:09:00,341 "If you live in a council flat beside a river but are not blind..." 136 00:09:00,432 --> 00:09:01,787 WHAT?! 137 00:09:01,873 --> 00:09:04,228 "What is your mother's maiden name?" 138 00:09:04,313 --> 00:09:06,271 What's her first name?! 139 00:09:06,354 --> 00:09:09,552 I just knew her as Ma! Ma - that'll have to do. 140 00:09:09,635 --> 00:09:11,069 Ma. 141 00:09:13,036 --> 00:09:15,266 Possibly deceased. 142 00:09:15,356 --> 00:09:19,794 "Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year" 143 00:09:19,878 --> 00:09:23,428 "exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?" 144 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,795 Right, that's all my socks paired. 145 00:09:30,881 --> 00:09:32,679 Back to the accounts. 146 00:09:32,761 --> 00:09:34,513 OK. 147 00:09:35,802 --> 00:09:39,558 "Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year" 148 00:09:39,643 --> 00:09:43,922 "exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?" 149 00:09:50,206 --> 00:09:52,595 Hello, Ma? It's Bernard. 150 00:09:52,686 --> 00:09:54,439 No, nothing's wrong. 151 00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:57,759 I don't need an excuse to call my mother, do I? 152 00:10:01,089 --> 00:10:03,205 I know, I am, yeah. I know. 153 00:10:03,289 --> 00:10:05,247 Yes. Yes. I will. 154 00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:07,321 I know. Ha. Yes. 155 00:10:07,410 --> 00:10:09,209 Yes! I know. 156 00:10:09,291 --> 00:10:11,886 Yeah. OK. Goodbye, I have to do my tax! 157 00:10:16,493 --> 00:10:19,373 "Did your non-returnable outgoings..." 158 00:10:19,454 --> 00:10:21,809 -[KNOCK AT DOOR] -Thank Christ! 159 00:10:25,976 --> 00:10:27,330 Yes? 160 00:10:27,416 --> 00:10:29,647 Could we talk to you about Jesus? 161 00:10:33,578 --> 00:10:35,649 Great! Come in! 162 00:10:36,939 --> 00:10:39,772 -What? -I'd love to hear about Jesus! 163 00:10:39,859 --> 00:10:41,612 Come on in! 164 00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:44,375 -Er, are you sure? -Yes! In, in! Come in! 165 00:10:44,461 --> 00:10:46,134 It's a trick! 166 00:10:46,221 --> 00:10:49,692 It's just... generally people don't say yes. 167 00:10:49,782 --> 00:10:53,174 I'm not people - come on in, let's talk beliefs! 168 00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,935 Come in, come in. Grab a pew. 169 00:11:05,386 --> 00:11:07,139 Right, let's go. 170 00:11:08,387 --> 00:11:12,347 Well... to be honest we've never actually... 171 00:11:12,428 --> 00:11:14,659 thought this far ahead. 172 00:11:15,869 --> 00:11:18,623 It's, uh, it's nice in here. 173 00:11:18,710 --> 00:11:20,747 Indoors. 174 00:11:21,671 --> 00:11:26,223 What's your favourite story about, er... Our Lord? 175 00:11:30,033 --> 00:11:33,390 Money lenders, it has to be the money lenders. 176 00:11:33,474 --> 00:11:37,184 -Chasing them out of the temple. -It is knock-out stuff. 177 00:11:39,035 --> 00:11:42,154 -And yourself? -Well, it's all good. 178 00:11:42,236 --> 00:11:46,071 I suppose when he rescued... when Jesus rescued the Samaritan. 179 00:11:46,157 --> 00:11:48,035 No, that's a story Jesus tells 180 00:11:48,118 --> 00:11:50,759 about the Samaritan who helps somebody else. 181 00:11:51,639 --> 00:11:53,789 Really? Wow. 182 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:57,316 I like the one where he went to dinner with the tax collector. 183 00:12:00,481 --> 00:12:04,635 And do you have any literature or... anything I could look at? 184 00:12:05,763 --> 00:12:06,958 Oh, yes! 185 00:12:07,043 --> 00:12:08,842 Those books and magazines! 186 00:12:08,924 --> 00:12:10,801 [BOTH] Books and magazines! 187 00:12:11,644 --> 00:12:13,397 [BEEPING] 188 00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:20,917 Ah, there you are. Time for my results? 189 00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,602 It's bad news, I'm afraid, Mr Bianco. 190 00:12:23,688 --> 00:12:25,645 The Little Book of Calm 191 00:12:25,728 --> 00:12:28,801 is lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. 192 00:12:28,889 --> 00:12:33,043 If it rotates a centimeter left, you'll be dead in seconds. 193 00:12:33,130 --> 00:12:36,249 -Oh, my God... -No, hold on a moment. 194 00:12:36,331 --> 00:12:39,529 The other possibility, and this is more likely, 195 00:12:39,612 --> 00:12:42,844 is that the Little Book of Calm will move into the renal canal. 196 00:12:42,933 --> 00:12:46,325 If this happens, you could live for anything up to... 197 00:12:46,414 --> 00:12:48,485 ten years, one year, who knows? 198 00:12:48,574 --> 00:12:52,614 Because of the massive scarring caused by the book, however, 199 00:12:52,695 --> 00:12:56,691 -you could be in great pain... -Oh, my... Sorry. 200 00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:58,893 -During that time -Oh, my God! 201 00:12:58,977 --> 00:13:01,174 -[BEEPING] -Sorry, I have to go. 202 00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,135 We'll operate tomorrow. 203 00:13:03,218 --> 00:13:06,371 There's a good chance you'll survive - 30% I'd say - 204 00:13:06,459 --> 00:13:08,497 so try not to worry. 205 00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:10,617 As the book itself says... 206 00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:14,935 um, "Whenever you're in a tight spot", 207 00:13:15,022 --> 00:13:19,221 "try to imagine being marooned on a beautiful desert island." 208 00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:25,815 So he said that because no one's without sin, right? 209 00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:28,818 Yeah, that's what he... But it was hidden. 210 00:13:28,905 --> 00:13:31,819 So it's like God and Jesus are the one thing? 211 00:13:31,906 --> 00:13:34,057 Yes. Are you sure you won't stay? 212 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,901 No, really, we have to go, it's very late. 213 00:13:36,988 --> 00:13:38,786 OK, whatever. 214 00:13:38,868 --> 00:13:42,021 -Call again though, yeah? -Oh, yes, yes. 215 00:13:46,150 --> 00:13:48,108 Yeah, yeah... 216 00:13:51,912 --> 00:13:54,825 -Goodbye. -Yeah, later. 217 00:14:01,914 --> 00:14:05,146 Bernard? Finished with your accounts? 218 00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:09,993 Yeah. I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket. 219 00:14:14,198 --> 00:14:15,950 Bernard! 220 00:14:16,038 --> 00:14:20,795 I mean, it is a very nice jacket, but what about your accounts? 221 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,996 I don't know! Will you do them? 222 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:28,475 Oh, you've got that wrong for a start - you divide by ten there. 223 00:14:28,562 --> 00:14:31,076 Oh - no, no, no, I'm not doing this. 224 00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:35,441 I have to give all my attention to being Julie's birth partner. 225 00:14:35,524 --> 00:14:38,642 Oh! Look, look! There's something on the side! 226 00:14:38,724 --> 00:14:40,955 15.99. Oh, no, I wrote that. 227 00:14:42,245 --> 00:14:44,886 What am I gonna do? Who's gonna help me? 228 00:14:44,966 --> 00:14:47,846 [DOCTOR] Mr Bianco, back with us at last. 229 00:14:47,927 --> 00:14:50,522 There's been a... complication. 230 00:14:50,608 --> 00:14:53,839 You see, we went in to remove the book and, um... 231 00:14:55,249 --> 00:14:57,479 Well, in medical terms, it's gone. 232 00:14:57,570 --> 00:15:00,084 To put it another way, it's not there. 233 00:15:00,170 --> 00:15:02,242 I don't know how this happened. 234 00:15:02,331 --> 00:15:05,563 The only explanation is that you assimilated it 235 00:15:05,652 --> 00:15:08,166 into your system, which is impossible. 236 00:15:12,534 --> 00:15:14,252 How do you feel? 237 00:15:14,334 --> 00:15:16,929 Add a drop of lavender to your bath, 238 00:15:17,015 --> 00:15:20,407 and soon, you will soak yourself calm. 239 00:15:20,496 --> 00:15:22,089 I'm sorry? 240 00:15:22,176 --> 00:15:26,968 If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables, 241 00:15:27,058 --> 00:15:29,937 yoghurt, milk and seeds. 242 00:15:30,018 --> 00:15:32,932 Er, maybe I should let you get some rest. 243 00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:36,695 When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate. 244 00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:39,853 Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn. 245 00:15:39,941 --> 00:15:43,651 Be the king of your own calm kingdom. 246 00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:47,259 Uh... Yes. 247 00:15:47,343 --> 00:15:49,460 -I've got it! -I'm doing them! 248 00:15:49,544 --> 00:15:53,254 I know what this is - it's for giving up sugar. 249 00:15:53,345 --> 00:15:55,655 Yeah, that's exactly what it's not. 250 00:15:55,745 --> 00:15:58,101 No, that's absurd, isn't it? 251 00:15:58,186 --> 00:16:02,146 What's this - blah blah blah blah blah blah 252 00:16:02,227 --> 00:16:04,902 yah yah blah blah... "Exemption clause," 253 00:16:04,988 --> 00:16:08,698 "person suffering from short or long-term injury or sickness" 254 00:16:08,789 --> 00:16:10,746 "may defer their returns..." 255 00:16:10,829 --> 00:16:16,509 Wait... "Person suffering from short or long-term injury or sickness" 256 00:16:16,591 --> 00:16:18,549 "may defer their returns..." 257 00:16:18,632 --> 00:16:20,430 [LAUGHS] 258 00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:24,984 No, no, give it up, Bernard. You'd have to really cripple yourself. 259 00:16:25,073 --> 00:16:28,465 You're hardly gonna do that just to avoid doing accounts. 260 00:16:34,156 --> 00:16:36,797 -This is on special offer. -Really? 261 00:16:36,877 --> 00:16:39,187 Yes, it's free if you break my legs. 262 00:16:40,358 --> 00:16:42,110 -Fair enough. -Great! 263 00:16:42,198 --> 00:16:46,591 -I'll get the hobbling post. -Wait, I've read this. 264 00:16:46,679 --> 00:16:49,115 That's the problem with Wodehouse. 265 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,998 Yes, now break my legs. 266 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,311 But I've read it! No, I'm sorry. 267 00:16:55,522 --> 00:16:59,482 What is this?! Have you any idea what the hell this is? 268 00:16:59,563 --> 00:17:02,920 [PA] 'Would the birth partner of Julie Williams 269 00:17:03,004 --> 00:17:05,803 'please report to delivery room one.' 270 00:17:05,884 --> 00:17:07,842 [CHOIR] ♪ Gloria! 271 00:17:10,526 --> 00:17:12,403 ♪ Gloria! ♪ 272 00:17:12,486 --> 00:17:14,444 [WOMAN YELLING] 273 00:17:16,807 --> 00:17:18,799 Where's my birth partner?! 274 00:17:18,888 --> 00:17:21,847 I can't do this without my birth partner! 275 00:17:21,929 --> 00:17:25,161 -Where is she?! -Julie, we can't find her. 276 00:17:25,250 --> 00:17:27,810 We've been calling her all day. 277 00:17:27,890 --> 00:17:32,011 When you're feeling under pressure, do something different. 278 00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:35,289 Roll up your sleeves or eat an orange. 279 00:17:37,493 --> 00:17:39,405 ♪ Gloria! 280 00:17:42,414 --> 00:17:44,326 ♪ Gloria! ♪ 281 00:17:44,415 --> 00:17:46,372 [DOG BARKING] 282 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,769 [CAR ALARM BLEEPING] 283 00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:04,778 [ALARM STOPS] 284 00:18:09,102 --> 00:18:11,412 Is it some kind of fake breast? 285 00:18:12,423 --> 00:18:14,380 You know, that dads wear? 286 00:18:15,703 --> 00:18:19,460 -What are you talking about? -You know, for babies. 287 00:18:19,545 --> 00:18:21,104 Ba... 288 00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:24,463 Babies. Oh, my God - Julie! 289 00:18:24,546 --> 00:18:25,900 Oh! 290 00:18:29,027 --> 00:18:31,463 Be on the lookout for things that make you laugh. 291 00:18:31,548 --> 00:18:35,304 If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh. 292 00:18:35,389 --> 00:18:37,107 [MUTTERS] 293 00:18:37,189 --> 00:18:39,466 [MAN] Oi! Hairy! 294 00:18:45,552 --> 00:18:47,304 What you lookin' at? 295 00:18:47,392 --> 00:18:51,023 Have you ever noticed a calm person with a loud voice? 296 00:18:51,113 --> 00:18:53,071 Try and speak softly once in a while. 297 00:18:56,635 --> 00:19:00,152 Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange 298 00:19:00,236 --> 00:19:02,193 and pretend you're laughing at it. 299 00:19:08,078 --> 00:19:11,549 Oi! You lot, you better clear off, I have to do a few... 300 00:19:11,639 --> 00:19:15,110 I have to... Oh! Skinheads! Perfect! 301 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:21,111 -Do you think you're funny? -What happened? 302 00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:23,762 Looking for another slap, are ya? 303 00:19:23,842 --> 00:19:25,401 Another slap? 304 00:19:25,482 --> 00:19:28,236 Which one of you bitches wants to dance? 305 00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:35,644 Hey, when you're doing the usual sort of threesome of a weekend 306 00:19:35,725 --> 00:19:38,957 and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and arses, 307 00:19:39,046 --> 00:19:41,004 is that not confusing? 308 00:19:43,848 --> 00:19:46,681 Right. Look, this is you, OK? 309 00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:52,482 ♪ Tra-la-la la-la la-la la-la... ♪ 310 00:19:55,851 --> 00:19:59,243 Millwall, that's the one. Do you know this chant? 311 00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:02,644 Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, 312 00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:05,725 and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated. 313 00:20:09,655 --> 00:20:11,134 [♪ CHOIR] 314 00:20:12,615 --> 00:20:14,368 Hmm? 315 00:20:19,977 --> 00:20:21,537 Uhh? 316 00:20:21,618 --> 00:20:23,814 [WHIMPERING] 317 00:20:31,340 --> 00:20:33,617 [SLAPPING GENTLY] 318 00:20:33,701 --> 00:20:36,501 Are you in pain? 319 00:20:36,582 --> 00:20:39,018 Not enough! Where have they gone?! 320 00:20:39,103 --> 00:20:41,253 They got tired and went away. 321 00:20:41,343 --> 00:20:43,574 Er, why... why did you do that? 322 00:20:43,664 --> 00:20:46,657 That was so incredible, the way you just... 323 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:50,137 kept letting them punch you and... Thank you. 324 00:20:50,226 --> 00:20:54,346 I'm injured, I don't have to do my accounts. You're a witness. 325 00:20:54,427 --> 00:20:57,386 -[KNOCK AT DOOR] -I could do your accounts. 326 00:20:57,468 --> 00:21:00,301 -What? -I'm an accountant. I was. 327 00:21:00,388 --> 00:21:04,269 -It's the least I could do. -You mean you could do more? 328 00:21:04,349 --> 00:21:06,785 -Yeah. -Could I have a glass of wine? 329 00:21:06,870 --> 00:21:10,148 -OK. -And a ham sandwich? 330 00:21:10,231 --> 00:21:12,667 -If you like. -With pickle? 331 00:21:13,752 --> 00:21:15,504 All right. 332 00:21:19,714 --> 00:21:21,273 [BOTH YELL] 333 00:21:27,916 --> 00:21:30,032 Right, you get started on that 334 00:21:30,116 --> 00:21:33,109 and I'll begin the... business of the day. 335 00:21:33,197 --> 00:21:36,156 Car won't start. Cab number, cab number. 336 00:21:38,039 --> 00:21:40,269 Got to get to Julie... 337 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:45,634 [SCREAMS]