( Gargling )
You know what I was gargling there?
Was it "yankee doodle dandy"?
Yes.
That was a good one.
Good guess.
Yeah, that was pretty clear.
So, my uncle Nathan called and he's coming to L.A.
Yeah.
And, he wants to have dinner with us,
I think, on Thursday night.
Does that work?
Okay, yeah, you wanna eat here?
Oh, no, no, we'd go out.
Oh, really?
Yeah, that way we can get rid of him.
He a talker?
He's a lingerer.
Okay.
I'm a malingerer and he's a lingerer.
Alright, so we'll go out Thursday.
Okay, and also, this is a little weird,
Jeff wants to see us in his office tomorrow.
He wants to see us?
You and me, together.
He said not to worry, he said he's got good news.
Oh, brother.
But, I couldn't get it out of him.
Alright.
I wonder what the good news is.
I don't know, I can't even begin to imagine.
He's leaving show business?
That would be good news.
Although I don't think he'd bill it as that.
Goodnight.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
I'm just curious, okay?
Why am I the one that always has to initiate sex?
You ever thought about that?
Um...
Okay, I'll tell you why.
I got a cramp in my foot.
Um, I'm available for sex all the time.
Is that right?
Basically.
So, anytime you wanna have it,
you can have it.
Wow!
But, anytime I wanna have it, I can't.
So, just assume that I want it all the time,
so, whenever you want it, just tap me on the shoulder.
Oh, Jesus, that's so not how it should go.
Well, otherwise I'll be making moves all the time.
Do you want that?
Do you want somebody just mauling you all the time?
I will treat your breasts as if they're mine.
Once in a while.
I don't want you walking around like that.
That's how I'll walk around...
You know, I need borders,
I need boundaries.
Okay, once in a while, give it a try,
that's all I'm saying, okay?
Alright, well, okay, alright.
Not, not, now, no, not now.
So, what's the deal here?
Why'd you call us down here for?
This is very exciting,
I know you're busy with your charity work
and all that stuff, but, I got a phone call
the other day from Wendy praeger.
You know who Wendy praeger is?
Yeah, director, right?
Well, director...
Theater director.
She's directing "the vagina monologues",
that show, in New York,
and she's bringing "the vagina monologues"
out here, okay?
I know, the title.
"She's bringing "the vagina monologues"...
Good for you, Wendy, do you need help?
She does, actually,
'cause one of her actresses dropped out
and I suggested you.
( Cheryl ) are you kidding?
No, no audition.
She had seen you in a play years ago.
And, knew who you were and liked your work.
Are you joking me?
No, I'm not, as a matter of fact,
I have the script right here.
She wants Cheryl to do "the vagina monologues"?
Yes, the only thing is it's opening in a week,
but, you don't have to learn any lines,
you can use the script on stage.
Seriously.
( Cheryl stammering )
I've never seen her so speechless before.
I am shocked, I don't know what to say.
I didn't even have to sell you to her.
Nancy just saw this in New York
and said that it's like the biggest hit.
Your involved with "the vagina monologues".
( Larry ) of course, you know, I've never actually seen
the vagina with my glasses on.
I don't really have any idea what it looks like,
it's all a hazy mystery to me.
Yeah, you don't need to look at it up close.
Hey, I'm pro vagina.
I can't wait to read this,
I don't even know what to say to you right now.
Can I have her call you this afternoon,
please, yes. Is that cool?
You're welcome. Thank you.
( Cheryl ) that was so nice.
Wasn't that nice of him?
I'm shocked.
I'd like to do something nice for him.
You really should get him something.
You could get him a bottle of scotch or something.
Johnny, uh, Johnny goldberg.
Johnny Walker?
Larry?
Oh, my god!
Hey, Lucy.
Oh, it is great to see you.
Good to see you.
You just look wonderful.
Do I?
Look at you, getting some gray hair.
Inside, I'm corroding.
No, you're a silver-haired fox.
This is my wife, Cheryl. Hi!
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, I'm here.
So, are you working, what's going on in your life?
I'm on drugs, you know, I'm all doped up,
I don't do anything, yeah.
It's true, I'm a drug addict now.
Well, I'm glad I'm seeing you,
because I've been thinking about you,
and I've been wanting to get in touch with you,
and, you know, it's, here you are, you're here.
She's an actress.
Oh.
Are you an actress?
Sometimes.
You're doing "the vagina monologues"?
Yeah, yeah.
She just got this today.
I've been trying to get a reading for that,
and my agent's just dropped the ball.
Oh, I just got lucky,
and, his manager really was helpful.
Yeah, well, great!
So, it's nice to meet you.
Yeah, so how do you guys know each other?
Well, we used to go out.
But, she didn't like me very much.
I didn't like him very much, no.
When he stopped actually being fun,
I stopped actually liking him.
Good, good.
It didn't go anywhere.
You know what?
I'm gonna go wait in the car.
I'm dying to really start reading this.
It was great meeting you.
Oh, and congratulations on this.
And your marriage and all this wonderful stuff.
Oh, yeah, I'd almost forgotten about that.
Okay, I'll see you in a few minutes.
Yeah, a couple of minutes.
It was nice to meet you.
Bye-bye.
Larry, I need the keys.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Do me a favor, turn the air conditioner on,
make it a little cool in there, will you?
I'll be just a second.
Bye-bye, I hope I see you again.
Yeah, nice meeting you.
I'm actually really glad that I have run into you
because I've been thinking about you.
I didn't know how to get in touch with you,
and, I kind of wanna get together with you
'cause there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Really?
Tell me, right now.
No, this isn't really...
Yeah, it's kind of weird.
We don't have a child, do we?
Well, not that I know of,
and, I think I'd probably be aware of that one.
Do you have time, Larry? Come on, I'm serious.
Um, yeah, I guess, yeah.
So, can we, maybe this week,
have lunch?
I guess I can have lunch, yeah.
Goodnight.
What are you doing?
I'm tapping you on the shoulder.
Mm, you know what?
I'm really not in the mood,
to tell you the truth.
Is it alright if we don't do it?
I'm sorry, is that okay?
You're not in the mood to do it?
Uh, not really.
I'm sorry, is that okay?
So, even if you wanted to do it,
you couldn't?
I can't do it, yeah.
Why can't you do it tonight?
Remember, the other night you just said
all I have to do is tap you on the shoulder
and you're ready.
I'm kind of tapped out.
Tapped out?
You mean...
Why would you do that?
I don't know, it was there.
I think it's a little interesting
that we just ran into that woman, Lucy.
Do you think that's a coincidence?
We ran into this woman,
who happens to have really large breasts,
and really beautiful...
So, you were thinking of
this woman Lucy the whole time you were...
No, not the whole time.
She made a brief appearance and said, "goodbye".
Was I in the mix there?
What, you?
Yeah.
I wouldn't defile you like that,
you don't know what goes on in those things,
you don't want any part of that world,
you don't wanna be involved in that.
It's complimentary to you,
that you're not involved in that.
But, it's a great idea
to bring your ex-girlfriends in.
I can degrade and defile her.
You know, I have to say...
I'm not crazy about you sitting around
thinking about Lucy montone, or other women,
ex-girlfriends that you know.
Okay, Lucy montone is out,
she's made her last appearance.
That's it.
Yeah, I didn't particularly care for her anyway.
Is that right?
Yeah, she's got a bad attitude,
does not participate in the lesbian scenes,
very hard to get along with.
You know, she's like a prima Donna.
I don't need any prima Donnas, you know.
Yeah, no, no, ex-girlfriends.
Not Lucy, not any of the ex-girlfriends.
That's fair, that's completely legitimate.
I'm gonna bring back the young Sophia loren.
Okay?
Okay.
The young Sophia loren...
Who wouldn't?
This is from Cheryl.
Wow.
Hmm?
Yeah.
That's one of those things you go, "wow",
blue label!"
You like that?
That's unbelievable.
You drink that?
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
I'm call her this afternoon and thank her.
Don't drink it all at once.
No, I won't drink it all once.
Did the director get a hold of her?
Yeah, yeah, she talked to the director.
Alright, cool.
So, you meeting your ex-girlfriend for lunch?
Hey, here she is.
Hi, Lucy.
Hey.
Found a spot on the street.
Hi, how you doing?
Good, how are you today?
This is Jeff Greene, my manager.
Hey, how are you?
Very well, thanks.
I know you.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I saw you in that hurricane movie.
Oh, that's sweet, but I think
you're thinking of Jamie gertz.
( Jeff ) well, she was in the tornado.
I did an asteroid.
Asteroid, hurricane, same thing.
You were very good.
Thank you.
So?
Well, we're gonna go have some lunch.
( Jeff ) yeah, I'm hungry too.
Well, they got some good places around here.
( Jeff ) they have great places around here.
This is the best one in town,
right here, it's the best one.
A good lunch, this is the place to go.
( Lucy ) great to meet you, enjoy your lunch.
Thank you.
Wow.
You're just a big bowl of wrong.
Ooh, goodnight, nurse!
And you didn't go the the prom?
I didn't even know there was a prom.
I can't believe we never talked about this.
I had no idea that a prom even existed.
Your parents, your brother,
didn't alert you to...?
No.
You'd think I would have heard about in school,
but, I didn't.
Anyway, what's going on?
I'm very curious as to why
you invited me to lunch.
Well, okay, remember when we were dating,
and I told you about my stepfather,
and, what happened?
Yup, yup.
And, did not breathe a word of it to anyone.
Good, 'cause you're the only person
I ever told about that,
but, I kind of feel like what happened,
I feel like it's really starting to
effect my life, a lot, now.
And there's something called an incest survivor group.
So, I don't wanna go alone,
and I was thinking, maybe...
Could you go with me?
Do you want me to spell it out?
Can you go with me Larry, please?
You want me to go to the incest group with you?
Yeah.
What would I do there?
You'd just be there with me.
There's nobody else
you feel comfortable going with?
Larry, there's nobody else
who knows about what happened,
except for, you know, my stepdad.
I'm certainly not gonna bring him.
Are you sure that you qualify with your stepfather,
is that considered incest?
God, Larry!
No, if it's your stepfather, Larry,
it's considered a date!
With all due respect to your ordeal, but...
I was just wondering if they consider
that incest or not.
So, I guess it's a legitimate question,
but, the answer is, "yes",
they consider that incest.
If you don't wanna go, I'm not gonna make you do it.
I'll go, yeah.
Are you comfortable with that?
I want you to be comfortable,
I want you to be okay, so...
Uh, hi.
What are you doing here?
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Well, sometimes when we're not together,
I go to restaurants.
I guess we're all here.
( Cheryl ) hi...
( Larry ) yeah, you remember her from...
And that's Nancy.
Lucy, hi, nice to meet you.
Nancy's a friend of Cheryl's,
and a friend of mine, too.
Thanks, Larry.
So, what's going on?
Just a little lunch.
Do you wanna sit down...
Oh, no, no, no.
Sit, sit, why don't you sit?
No, no, no...
We need our time alone.
We're gonna go eat.
Good to see you.
And you.
It was great to see you,
I knew I'd see you again.
Yeah, it was nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
( Nancy ) bye-bye, Larry.
Bye.
( Alarm chirping )
( Jeff ) hey!
Hey!
Hey, fat man!
Oh, man, listen, uh,
that chick you had lunch with.
Is she married?
Uh-uh.
No?
Is she going out with anybody?
Hey, you got her number,
by some chance?
What do you want her number for?
Uh, just, representation stuff.
Talk to her about working with her.
So, you wanna work with her,
I understand.
You just wanna help her career.
Just wanna help her out, that's all.
Yeah, I'll call your house,
and I'll leave it with susie.
How's that?
You know what?
Just leave it at the office.
Okay, I'll leave it at the office.
Thank you, very much, I appreciate it,
you're a good man.
You're a great guy, helping her out like that.
I'm not a good man, you're a great man.
My name is Cynthia,
and I'm an incest survivor.
Okay, this is the part where you guys say,
"hello, Cynthia."
Hello, Cynthia. Hello, Cynthia.
You'll get used to it, you're new.
I wanna commend you all
for having the courage to step forward.
I want you all to feel safe.
And this is our number one rule here,
what is said in this room,
stays in this room.
We have total anonymity here.
And if we could, right now,
put our hands together,
and this sort of establishes
a circle of sharing.
I want you all to feel comfortable
with each other.
That all being said, I want to remind you,
and say this with me,
it's not my fault.
It's not my fault. It's not my fault.
Good.
On that note, if you'd like to share.
Um, my name's Gwendolyn,
and I'm an incest survivor.
Hello, Gwendolyn.
It's really scary to say that.
My first perpetrator was my grandfather,
who's a very dashing, handsome man.
He looked like Tyrone power.
He would come into my room wearing a mask
and we would play Zorro and consuelo
and he would make a "z" on my tummy with a feather
and then later, with his sword.
( Coughing )
The next incident was at a family reunion
up at our house in casaic.
They had laid out platters of great food,
one of which was my favorite dish,
ambrosia, you know,
that fruit salad with the marshmallows
and the coconut and the cherries.
And my uncle Pete on my father's side
and my uncle ned on my mother's side
approached me and told me that
they could help me with the recipe
and teach me how to make it.
So they took me into the house,
into a back bedroom,
and, became overly avuncular,
which was really odd
because they never really got along.
And they were even bickering
while they were having sex with me,
arguing about who was gonna stand guard
and positions and technique,
and, you know, undermining each other,
berating each other while they were doing it.
There's one more event I'd like to talk about.
I'm not sure if it counts.
It was my stepbrother,
does a stepbrother count?
It's not a really blood relative.
So, does it count?
( Cynthia ) step counts.
Remember that everybody, step counts.
( Gwendolyn ) well, I think that I'll save it
for another meeting.
I've taken up a lot of time.
You know, it really feels good
to unburden myself, you know.
This means that today I don't have to cut myself
or put cigarettes out...
So, it's, like,
I go to visit my family,
and, they just deny my existence, you know?
"You're not there, you're not there."
I'm right here!
I wanna scream at them, "I'm here, I'm here...!
I'm here!!"
Thanks for letting me share,
thanks, so much.
( Cynthia ) thank you, Trudy.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Okay, next.
You're up.
Go ahead.
My name is Todd,
and, I'm an incest survivor.
Hi, Todd. Hi, Todd.
Hello.
I had sex with my uncle,
when I was twelve.
He lived in great neck.
He was a doctor, an osteopath.
I don't even know what they do,
but, I know they're doctors.
It's something to do with muscles, I think.
That's neither here nor there, really.
I told you I was gonna have lunch with her.
I know.
It's so different to walk in
and actually see you guys together.
Hey, if I like her so much,
how come I broke up with her?
You broke up with her?
Oh, right, yes,
I know that's impossible,
for an idiot like me
to ever break up with a woman.
Well, it just seems like...
Fine, you can go back to your "vagina monologues",
thank you.
Oh, speaking of,
I'm supposed to meet the director tomorrow at 11:30.
I broke up with her.
That's great.
Well, it just doesn't seem...
It's impossible, yeah.
I'm not saying impossible.
Okay, so, you're supposed to meet the director tomorrow.
I don't have the car.
Oh, would you like a ride?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I'll give you a ride.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Listen to this, I say, "you look great."
"And she says, so do you.
"I say, but, I only have
"this white cotton bra and underpants.
"Then she undresses me slowly.
"The alcohol has gone to my head
"and I'm loose and ready.
"She gently and slowly lays me out on the bed
"and just our bodies rubbing makes me come.
"Then she does everything to me and my vagina
"that I always thought was nasty before,
"and, wow, I'm so hot,
so wild."
What are you doing?
What do you mean, what am I doing?
I'm initiating.
No, no, no, listen, I've got to read this
before I meet this woman tomorrow.
Come on, give me five minutes.
No, I am in the middle of this!
Two minutes and we'll be done.
Why would I?
"Afterward, the gorgeous lady teaches me everything
"about my vagina.
"She makes me play with myself in front of her
"and she tells me to always know how
"to give myself pleasure,
so I'll never need to rely on a man."
If they took all the pillows away,
there was no more pillows in the world,
do you think that would
affect you adversely?
Do you think you would notice it?
Do you think it would bother you,
like, throughout the day...
"There's no pillows on this couch."
I know at night,
it would have an affect at night.
What?
What? A world without pillows.
A "twilight zone" episode,
all the pillows are gone.
There are no pillows.
There's cushions to sit on, but no pillows.
Cheryl?
Wendy, hi.
It is such a pleasure to meet you.
Oh, the pleasure is all mine.
I saw you in a production of "company",
in New York years ago.
You were sensational.
Thank you.
Todd?
What are you doing here?
It's Larry.
Wait, do you guys know each other?
( Wendy ) well, we can't talk about it.
Okay, this is my husband, Larry.
So, how do you know her?
Well, you know what it was,
it was that newsstand on las palmas,
and he was teasing me
'cause I was reading "dog fancy" magazine.
Right?
Right, yeah, at the newsstand.
He was so funny, by the way.
You are so lucky to have such a funny husband.
But, you called him "Todd".
It's the name he gave me.
I get sick of saying Larry.
So, I say "Todd" to strangers sometimes.
On occasion, I make up stupid names for myself.
I have told people that my name was "Thor"...
Okay, alright...
Let's just wait a second.
This just seems very odd.
Listen, listen,
do you guys know each other?
You have nothing to be worried about.
It's just kind of personal.
Oh, it is?
I can't deal with this.
I am sorry, I'm sorry.
This is too strange for me.
Oh, no, no, Cheryl, don't do this, please.
You're gonna have to find another actress.
Oh, please, Cheryl, don't do this.
I'm begging you.
It's not what you think.
( Cheryl ) Larry, I'll talk to you later.
Listen, I wanna make one thing very clear,
you cannot mention one word of what you heard.
Don't worry, I would never betray you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
( Larry ) she had sex with her grandfather!
Then she had sex with her uncles, both uncles!
One on her mother's side and one on her father's side,
and they didn't even get along!
Even as they were doing it,
they were fighting over who was gonna guard the door.
And then she had sex with her stepbrother,
and she wasn't even sure if that was incest or not,
and I completely understood,
and she even asked the group leader.
And the group leader said that a step is incest...
Right.
And she wasn't even done, she had more,
she had to stop, she's gonna finish next week.
That's horrible, I had no idea.
And the whole time they're telling us about anonymity.
You can't say anything to anybody
about what's being said in the room.
So, no wonder.
What can you say?
Oh, my god, and then I stormed out,
and I told her to get another actress,
and I've just ruined all my chances.
Well, I'm sure that they didn't find anybody yet.
Why don't you call her up?
I can't call her now.
Won't she know that you've talked to me about this?
'Cause how else would we have resolved it so quickly?
Right, right, she'll know that I told you.
Yeah.
What the hell are we gonna tell her?
Wendy, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am
about everything that happened today,
and, I've been talking to Larry
and he told me all about how you met at
the gamblers anonymous meeting.
Right.
And I'm not gonna say a word,
cross my heart.
I completely understand.
Larry has laid his cards out,
on the table.
You know what?
I didn't even know he had a gambling problem
until today.
So, imagine what we've been talking
back and forth about.
So, listen, I just wanted to apologize
for everything, and I wanted to let you know
that I am absolutely thrilled,
and I'd be honored if I could do the play...
You've re-cast already?
Lucy montone?
Well, that seems so sudden.
I was just there.
Her manager called you.
Jeff Greene?
I did the new "dark shadows" for a couple of years,
and then I did "rock cop".
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that was good, "rock cop".
Wow, blue label.
Yep.
It was a gift from Cheryl David.
That's ironic.
Are you gonna be alright driving after we drink?
Oh, we'll wait it out.
Here's to "the vagina monologues".
Hey, here's to the vagina.
( Doorbell )
( Larry ) hey, that must be Nathan.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get it.
Hi, please come in.
Oh, good to see you.
Hi, hey!
I am so sorry I'm late.
Oh, don't worry about it.
There was an accident on the 405,
a one-car accident, terrible accident,
lots of traffic, confusion and so on.
I'm a doctor, I had to stop.
Not that I could do anything.
Finally, they got him out of the car,
big, big fat guy
and a woman, a real jazzy number.
Both of them obviously drunk out of their minds.
He seemed okay,
but, she's gonna be laid up for a while,
I'm afraid.
She's really in bad shape.
And this car, this beautiful car.
Oh, crushed.
A '57 Chevy.
You know, a classic.
Convertible?
Yeah, convertible.
Oh, I'd give my eye teeth for that thing.
Right, right.
You guys must be starved.
Yeah, well, I'm hungry.
Wanna go?
Yeah, let's go.
You know, Jeff has a '57 Chevy convertible.
I know... And he is fat.
Hey! Hi!
Oh, my god.
( Larry ) alright, we're not gonna stay long.
We just came to wish you luck.
Thank you.
( Nathan ) I won't kiss you,
it'll mess up your makeup.
No, please.
But you look gorgeous.
Oh, thank you.
Look at that pompadour you got there.
It's not a pompadour.
No, somebody spent a lot of time
getting my hair to look just like this.
Oh, gosh, I'm trying to shake out the nerves...
Oh, don't be nervous.
You only have to talk about it.
You don't have to show it.
Okay, thank you.
Everybody's a comedian.
See how much he's taught me?
Yeah!
I hate to run you guys out,
but I need a few minutes to collect my thoughts.
Okay, uncle and I, we'll be gone, goodbye.
( Wendy ) hey, hey, how's my trooper?
This is the director, Wendy.
This is my uncle, Dr. Gordon.
How do you do?
The osteopath?
Yeah, how'd you know?
Get out of here.
What?
Get out of here!
Get out of here, you fucking ece of shit!
Get out, you filthy animal!
You fucking turd! Get out of here!!
How dare you?!
Wait for me outside.
I'll meet you after the show.
( Wendy ) you filthy beast!
You coward!
You fucking asshole, you coward!
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