Are you nervous?
Well, you know, we were saying it earlier,
this is my first time, and I'm going to say it,
I'm on the screen of a movie.
My name is the only name up as the sole writing credit.
That is exciting.
Right, it's the first time with an audience,
the first screening for, you know?
And all my friends, and, you know.
And industry people as well, and...
Hey, hi, hi cliff.
Oh, I'm glad you could join us.
We're waiting in line here.
Sorry, uh, uh, I'm late.
I just couldn't pick out an outfit.
Oh, stop it.
It's actually the truth, I'm not even joking about it.
I drove by the theater.
I saw the Marquis.
Yeah, right, and how's that look?
It looks great.
The numbers 30...
Spelling that out.
And we got to get a picture of that too.
Oh, yes, you have to get a picture.
This is a big night, yeah.
Very excited.
So, how did you come up with the idea?
Shelley was telling me something about...
Cliff Cobb, table of four?
Oh, great, great.
You know what, I understand what it's like, thank you.
To do something that you put your heart and soul into...
Well, it changes the whole process,
it's completely different.
If you're just a writer for hire...
Hey, how's Cheryl's present coming?
Oh, it's just beautiful.
Yeah?
Yeah, one of the most beautiful bracelets I've made,
I have to say.
You know, her birthday's on Friday, so I...
You'll have it before then, I swear to god.
I need it by Thursday.
No problem, no problem.
Great, thank you, thanks so much.
I know, I can't believe you've been.
I have been trying to get to the Amazon...
You have got to go, if you, if you...
It's particularly west of the river.
Yeah.
Like, up north a little bit, it's unbelievable.
And is it just, is it a bunch of people?
Yeah, it's, well, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's you and guides in a group, but it's a large group.
I think it depends on which company you go through,
they'll put together different groups to go out,
are there tons of snakes?
There's tons of everything.
Right, but that's why you go, right?
'Cause you want to see it.
Forgot my napkin.
Right, you know, it's etiquette.
Very important, must put the napkin on.
It seems silly to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.
Unless there was, like, some kind of huge emergency.
Are we ready?
Yes, please.
Okay, I think I'll have the grilled salmon.
Grilled salmon.
Yeah, me too, actually, same thing.
I'll have the paella.
Okay, good choice.
Um, I think I'm just gonna get a...
A Cobb salad.
Okay.
Okay, and, I want to make just a couple
of substitutions if that's okay?
Sure.
Okay, um...
I'll get, uh, no bacon.
No bacon.
No eggs.
Bleu cheese on the side.
Are you sure you want a Cobb salad?
Yeah, you should get something else.
I'm getting a David salad.
Yeah, it is a David salad.
And I'll get, uh, add cucumbers, if you can.
Okay, yeah, and if the chef can't do this,
if he makes a face at all, just come back and let me know.
No faces.
Yeah, alright, okay, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Do you, go through that every time you order that salad?
Sounds like you have a problem with it of some kind.
Is it a big deal, what is the big deal?
A little, well, it's my grandfather's salad.
And, yeah, it is a big deal.
Here we go.
What does that mean, it's your grandfather's salad?
My grandfather created the Cobb salad.
Is that true?
I'm the Cobb of Cobb salad.
He's told this many times.
Oh, my god.
Uh, this is a nice little bullshit story
you've got going here...
Uh, hey, hey, hey, I'm not lying about this.
My grandfather was a chef.
He worked all over,
and, uh, there was a time he was at the Drake hotel,
working, Chicago, and he...
He would experiment with different combinations,
and the word got out.
That's how the Cobb salad was born.
( Laughing )
Why is that so hard to believe?
It's so unbelievable that...
So many people do what you just did.
And I just don't understand.
Well, I can tell you this, I'm never going to do it again,
no, no, no, no, I apologize.
I'm jumpy tonight, I'm jumpy tonight,
the movie, and...
I was thinking, what does he give a shit about
what I am ordering in my salad, you know.
Let's, what were we saying?
We were actually, I want to get out in the rough.
Right, oh, well, Amazons.
But did I tell you that I have a very good friend
that went to South Africa?
Oh, South Africa.
Yeah, but he did, he went for a hunting trip.
You know, my grandfather's name was, was Harold bingo,
and he invented bingo.
Are you aware of that?
Do you move your camp or is it a base camp...
We could be talking about anything.
They don't have any idea.
They've got their own table.
It doesn't make a difference.
So close to these animals.
So, we should have sex some time.
Yes, we should.
So, when you're right there and you're looking out...
Larry, how you doing?
Long time no see, good to see you.
What's new?
Ah, not too much.
Not too much?
How about you?
Playing a lot of golf.
Really? Yeah.
You know, we should play some time.
I don't play golf.
Since when?
I haven't played in a long, long time.
You don't play golf anymore?
No.
Oh, Larry, come on.
Hey, listen, if you change your mind,
let me know, okay?
Good to see you.
So, glad you could make it.
Go get a seat.
Listen, I'm gonna check the house.
Okay.
See you in a sec.
( Whistling )
What is that?
I don't know that one.
It's vogner.
Really?
It's called sigfried idle.
And he wrote it as a birthday present for his wife, cosima.
She woke up in the morning,
and she heard this beautiful music
and she came out on the landing
and he was conducting this orchestra.
It's so beautiful, too.
So romantic.
Yeah, listen to this.
( Whistling )
It's pretty.
Excuse me.
Are you Jewish?
You want to check my penis?
Is that what you want to do?
The real question is, what were you whistling?
Yeah, what were you whistling?
"Hello, Dolly".
No, was it vogner?
Oh, was it?
I want to know what a Jew is whistling vogner for.
When he was one of the great anti-semites of the world.
Do you know what you are?
What am I?
You're a self-loathing Jew.
Am I?
Well, I do hate myself,
but it has nothing to do with being Jewish, okay?
No, it doesn't have anything to do with Jews.
It's millions of Jews were taken to the concentration camps...
Alright, okay.
With vogner being played in the background...
Hitler's favorite composer.
Yes.
You know what, they got a mental asylum a couple of blocks down.
No, not a mental asylum, no, no, no.
Where is your heritage?
Where is your judaism?
Judaism, where are you?
Where are you, judaism?
This attitude that you're better...
Yeah, they should put a muzzle on you,
you're foaming at the mouth.
Please, thank you.
This is something you need to think about, alright?
Hey, how are you?
What's going on, everything alright?
No, no, no, not, but I'm looking forward to your movie.
It's gonna be great.
Get a seat, I'm so glad you're here.
Is everything alright?
You know that guy?
It's Walter.
Walter?
Yeah, he lives right by you.
He lives two streets away, your neighborhood.
Really obnoxious.
Come on, we should get a seat, come on.
( Crunching noises )
Can you keep it down?
I'm allowed to eat popcorn.
Stop it.
I'm tired, I'm sorry.
Mazel tov, mazel tov.
Oh, my gosh.
That was wonderful.
Hey, congratulations.
That was great, great job.
Thank you very much.
I can't believe that you had that guy dive into
that ice cold water.
You liked that?
Yeah, I mean, my god.
And I know it's freezing out, 'cause you could see the smoke
coming out of his mouth.
Is it smoke, what comes out of your mouth in the cold weather?
No, it's breath.
It's breath, but it looks like smoke.
You really like that?
I just told you I liked it.
I thought it was good.
Yeah, it was good.
Hey, we should go up for a drink, you guys.
Uh...
Larry, probably not, right?
You got a big day tomorrow.
He's got to get his sleep.
What you got going on tomorrow?
Nothing, I'm just sitting around.
I'm not, I'm not doing anything.
I don't have to.
Well, we're tired too, though, we're just gonna...
Yeah, no, tomorrow I'm sitting around,
I'm not doing anything.
Sitting around?
So, listen, thank you, uh, thank you for coming.
Yeah, hey, great job, again.
Hope you liked it.
Okay, good-bye.
( Cheryl ) I want to see those pictures...
( Cliff ) I'll get you the pictures.
And everything was perfect.
You should feel so proud.
No, yeah, I loved it.
I really, honestly, I did, I thought it was good,
who are you talking to?
Wanda.
Um, yeah, no, it was really good.
I loved every minute.
And then I look over, and Larry's yawning.
What, I, I, I, I wasn't bored.
Can't somebody be tired and yawn?
I mean, it's a biological function.
He invited us to that screening.
It doesn't necessarily mean you're bored.
I know, I thought it was rude.
It was rude, yeah, it was rude, yeah, it really rude,
do you know who cliff is?
Cliff Cobb?
Yeah, the cute guy in the wheelchair, yeah.
So, we're in the lobby and we're talking to him afterward,
and everyone's congratulating him
and he's having this great night.
And then he asks Larry what he's doing tomorrow,
and Larry says that he's just sitting around.
Hey!
Instead of just, hey, and saying golf...
Don't tell her that, why do you have to tell her?
He can't say he's playing golf,
he tells him that he's gonna sit around.
'Cause I don't want to make him feel bad.
Why do I have to say I'm going out?
If I was handicapped, I would want people to tell me
that they're sitting around.
I'm going golfing or horseback riding.
So, he doesn't get upset.
Hey, if I was playing checkers,
I would have told him I'm playing checkers.
So, he was trying to make cliff feel good.
That's a good thing to say.
And what about that other guy?
Why'd you tell him that you're not playing golf?
Because cliff was right next to me,
so, I didn't want cliff to know I'm playing golf.
Also, I don't want to play with that guy anyway
to tell you the truth.
Can you believe?
He's out of his mind!
I know, he thinks he's doing a really good thing.
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay, I got to go, bye.
Trick or treat.
Happy Halloween.
Yeah, happy Halloween.
Festive, huh?
Hey, very nice, so, you're going golfing?
Um, yeah, actually.
You look very snazzy.
Yeah, really?
This is a good look on you, I like it.
Oh, thank you.
Well, I don't tuck in that much.
See, golf makes me tuck in.
You look good tucked in.
And I'm really tucked in.
Um, any messages?
Your therapist called,
they want to move your appointment up an hour.
So, please call them, and shelley Cobb called.
Hey, the bracelet might be ready.
Hey!
Oh, my god.
Cheryl is gonna flip out when she gets this thing.
I wish I could videotape this reaction,
but I don't know how to work a video camera.
And it really took some time to do this thing too.
Oh.
Here's what I want you to do.
Okay.
I want you to go on the Internet,
and get some information for me
on the Cobb salad.
Who invented it, where it comes from...
Okay, I'll get on that right now.
Alright, see what you can find out.
Right away.
Shelley.
Hi, it's Larry.
Hey.
Yeah, a lot of fun.
And again, tell cliff how much we enjoyed it.
It was really a good piece of work there.
Yeah, okay.
We should go out again, I'll talk to Cheryl.
Oh.
Just you and me.
Oh.
Oh, my god.
Shelley, shelley, no, no, no, no,
that was...
No, that was just a joke
because they were talking so much,
it was, like, a joke for their benefit.
Oh, my god, no, no, oh, no,
that was just an arm, I was just stretching my arm.
That didn't...
Oh, no, shelley.
No, no, shelley, of course not.
Can we, shelley, don't, can we, shelley, don't,
but no, no, that's not true!
But, but what about the bracelet?
Shelly, but, but...
( Knocking )
Larry, is everything okay?
Oh, the salad stuff?
Yeah.
Okay.
"So, the Cobb salad was created at
"the legendary brown derby in Hollywood.
"The owner, Bob Cobb, was hungry one night
"in the middle of the night and he went downstairs,
and he came up with it."
It wasn't the Drake hotel in Chicago?
No, it was here in Hollywood.
Let me see that.
Created at the brown derby in Hollywood.
Right.
Cliff Cobb, my friend cliff Cobb lied to me about the Cobb salad.
His grandfather didn't invent it.
Bob Cobb did.
( Together ) trick or treat.
Oh, look, look at you.
Here you go.
Bye.
Those kids are really cute.
They're really, you want to do some?
Yeah, you want to switch?
Yeah, you can, you can do some.
Okay.
Well, let me just do a few more bags.
Oh, okay.
Let me do a few and then we'll switch off.
( Together ) trick or treat.
How old are you?
13. 13.
13?
Yeah. Yeah.
You look more like 16, or maybe even 17.
No, no, we're 13.
Can we just have our candy please?
Where's your costumes?
I'm being my sister.
You're being your sister?
Yeah, and I'm a teacher.
You're a teacher?
Yeah, boy, I'd like to get my kid in your class.
Yeah, candy?
Hello?
Yeah, I don't, I don't think so.
Are you kidding?
It's Halloween.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, it doesn't mean that you're entitled to
just go around to peoples' homes and bilk them out of candy.
Are you kidding?
Thanks for nothing, asshole.
Fuck you.
Larry!
Holy shit.
Can you believe this?
Those, those girls.
Yeah.
Why would they do something like that?
Because I didn't give them candy, that's why.
Right, you're standing at the door with a bowl of candy.
'Cause I don't think 17-year-old girls with no costume on,
they didn't have a costume on,
you shouldn't be allowed...
Who cares?
They were just using Halloween to get candy.
Who cares, it's Halloween, just give them candy!
You can't just use the holiday for your own selfish purposes?
Oh, so what, so what, so you'd rather to have them
toilet paper your house?
Well, I didn't know it was going to be felony or treat.
I didn't think the trick extended to felonies.
Why would it kill you just to give them
a few pieces of candy?
I don't understand that.
Because there's got to be some kind of cutoff.
Shouldn't there be for Halloween?
What is it with you and your cut offs,
and your shouldn't there be and should there be, who cares?
Well, what are they going to be trick or treating at 40?
May I have free candy?
I'm 40 years old, I want free candy!
You know what, not everybody knows your rules, Larry.
Yeah, you've got your own set of rules
and you think everyone's gonna adhere to them,
but they're not because nobody knows them.
You know what, you have a long day of cleaning ahead of you.
Yeah, I'm gonna clean up by myself?
Yeah, you are going to be cleaning this up by yourself.
Who's fault is this?
Yeah, well, I'm going to call the police.
So, they had no costumes?
Right, they had no costumes
and for some reason that really upset him.
Now, you're sure there was no costumes.
I mean, 'cause sometimes they can be very subtle costumes.
No, they weren't subtle at all.
There were no costumes.
They were just going around from house to house
trying to get candy, okay?
Mm-hmm.
Is it possible to find these girls
and maybe talk to their parents, or...
Well, by your descriptions, dark hair, 20 years old,
I mean, you know, there's 10,000 kids
who could fit that description.
They were sort of elvirish, she looked like elvira.
She was kind of in a little bit of a costume there, then?
With the elvira thing.
No, that wasn't a costume.
I'm just using elvira to describe her, that's all.
It's just a way, it's a short hand.
They knocked on the door, they said "trick or treat"?
Yeah, they said "trick or treat".
And you had treats?
I was giving out candy all night.
But I don't have to give them candy.
They don't deserve candy and I don't deserve this.
Bald asshole?
That's a hate crime.
We're a set, we're a group.
You can't call us bald assholes.
What if we were gay, then we'd be gay assholes?
That's a hate crime.
But it says "bald asshole".
Okay, but we consider ourselves a group of people.
Sir, I'm bald, I'm not offended.
Well, with all due respect, officer Burt, you are not bald.
Okay, you have chosen to shave your hair,
that's a look that you're cultivating to be fashionable,
and we don't really consider you part of the bald community,
with all due respect.
Did they threaten you in any way,
did you see weapons of any kind, uh?
No, no, there was no threat,
except for the trick threat.
What's the trick threat?
Well, the trick or treat.
No treat...
Trick.
It's a threat.
How far can you take these tricks?
If it was any other night, sir.
Trick or treat, bang, bang.
But it's trick or treat.
We cut the kids a little slack on Halloween.
There's kind of a social contract that you enter
when you open that door.
They say, "trick or treat",
I would advise you, give the treat.
Why don't you just give them the candy next time, Larry?
I will not be intimidated.
Even on Halloween.
Are you playing golf?
Today, no, I played yesterday.
Well, then, what are you doing dressed like that?
I like the outfit.
I like the way it looks.
Yeah, but it's a golf outfit.
It's sort of, you know.
Well, it doesn't have to be just golf.
Why can't you walk around like this, it's a shirt.
It looks good on you.
That's what people tell me.
Well, people are right.
Want to play tomorrow?
I actually can't.
It's, uh, it's Cheryl's birthday.
So...
Why can't you?
Don't I have to spend her birthday with her or something?
Early in the morning, what does it matter?
Is she a baby?
How old is she, like, five, six years old?
Well...
Maybe you're right, yeah.
You're taking her out to dinner, right?
Yeah, it's not like what, I have to be chained to her
the whole day, yeah, why, why can't we play golf?
I'll come by in the morning,
I haven't seen the house yet anyhow.
Okay, great, you're on for tomorrow.
It's not a religious holiday,
no!
Okay, let's talk about this Jason Alexander thing.
What's going on?
I'm done with it.
It's over.
He didn't want to drive to your office,
so, the whole thing's off?
I went to his office twice, he never came to mine.
This is just, you know, excuse my language,
this is completely fucked.
It's too bad, it was a great idea.
You know, uh, I heard that
Julia is looking for a project.
And if you ask me,
you could do the exact same project with her.
You know, actually...
It could really work with her.
It could work with her.
I mean, she does have the exact same problem with Elaine.
People always see her as Elaine, they just want her to do Elaine.
All I got to do, it's the same thing.
And I know that she's been looking for a show.
I'm gonna call Julia.
Great.
Larry.
Got to quit meeting like this, huh?
So, uh, can I ask you something?
Oh, um...
How's the golf?
No, I didn't play golf.
I don't play golf anymore, I don't play golf anymore.
Ah, look at that shirt.
I'm just wearing the shirt, I like the shirt.
Larry, nobody would wear a shirt like that
unless they were gonna golf.
I like the shirt,
I get a lot of compliments on this outfit.
Fine, okay, if that's the way it's going to be,
that's the way it's going to be.
No, it's not the way it's going to be.
I just, I like the clothes.
You don't have to just wear them on the golf course.
Oh, you're sick.
You can wear clothes, that, these are clothes, so?
Stop it!
( Knocking )
Shelley?
Shelley's not here.
Oh, hey cliff.
What are you doing?
I need my, uh...
The bracelet that she made for me.
Oh, yeah, the bracelet.
Yeah, it's my wife's birthday tomorrow, so...
Right, right, yeah, your wife's birthday, yeah.
Forget the bracelet, Larry.
There isn't going to be any bracelet.
No bracelet, I know what's going on.
You know what's going on?
I know what's going on.
You think I don't have eyes, huh, huh?
I'm not blind, get it straight, alright?
My eyes work.
What the hell are you talking about?
What am I talking about?
Yeah, what are you talking about?
What am I talking about?
I'm talking about the little knee game with shelley,
I'm talking about the arm over the neck.
You're busted.
Oh, yeah, I'm busted.
She told me in the restaurant you propositioned her outright.
I was joking around at the table, okay?
And she probably took me seriously.
Oh, she did take it seriously,
I'm taking it seriously too, Larry.
I was joking around, 'cause you guys were talking,
and I just wanted to see if you were paying attention,
and you didn't even hear me say that.
So, that's how friends joke around?
One friend jokes with the other friend.
Let me ask his wife to screw me!
That's how you joke around.
Wait a second, wait a second, what the hell are you wearing?
What?
Those are golf clothes!
I didn't golf today.
You said you weren't golfing.
Why the hell are you wearing those clothes?
Because I like the way they look.
You expect me to believe that's why you're wearing them?
They look good, people complimented me on them.
They don't look good.
What do you take me for, Larry, I can see, you're a liar, man.
Oh, I'm a liar.
You're a 2-faced back-stabbing liar.
I'm just realizing this now.
I'm just saying it's all coming clear.
You're a liar.
How does that feel?
Okay, I'm the guy who goes around telling people
that my grandfather
invented the Cobb salad!
That's true.
That's me who does that?
That's true.
The Cobb salad, my friend,
was invented in 1937
by Bob Cobb at the ground derby...
That sonofabitch stole that salad from my grandfather!
Bullshit!
Are you callin' my grandfather a liar?!
You better run, you're dead, you sonofabitch!
It was invented in 1937,
by Bob Cobb in the brown derby restaurant.
Oh, what's he gonna say?
I had him, couldn't say anything.
Oh, my god, I got to call you back.
Oh, god, this party's gonna be really lame.
Hey, elvira.
Yoo hoo, elvira.
Some fucking weirdo is trying to talk to me.
Hey, elvira.
What the fuck do you want?
What the fuck?
Hey, that's some language for a 13-year-old girl, my god.
Impressive, huh?
Oh, very impressive, yes.
Did you have a good time last night?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah?
Where are your parents, I'd like to talk to them?
They're not home.
They're not home?
No, they're not.
Oh, really.
Can I help you with anything?
I suspect they are,
otherwise you wouldn't be out here smoking.
No, I have respect for the household.
Oh, do you, yeah, I'll bet you do.
Larry David.
What brings you to our Jewish home?
Well, well, now it all makes perfect sense.
What makes perfect sense?
This is your daughter, isn't it?
Yes, this is my daughter.
Hi, daddy.
Well, I think you might be interested in knowing that
your daughter, last night, threw eggs at my house,
papered my house with toilet paper,
wrote "bald asshole" on my door...
Bullshit.
Because I wouldn't give her candy on Halloween.
No, she said no.
She's a liar.
No, she's not a liar.
No, you're a liar.
You're a liar as a human being.
Oh, here we go.
I heard about cliff and his wife.
Yeah, I heard about you trying to sleep around with her.
You're a disgrace to your people.
That's what you are.
Oh, you know, the psycho meter's back on now.
Postman, postman, come here.
Tell the neighborhood what a shonda Larry David is.
Ha ha!
But you're a lousy human being.
He screws the wife of a man in a wheelchair.
A shonda.
Maybe you should have given me some candy.
You're a lousy Jew!
* ( music )
Oh, my.
Happy birthday.
Thank you, oh, my god.
Larry.
Get out, I'll...
What's going on, Larry?
Go outside, wait outside.
Happy birthday.
I forgot.
We're supposed to play golf.
Well, you can't play golf today.
It's my birthday.
I made a plan.
You need to get rid of him.
Oh, okay, alright.
We were supposed to be on the tee in 10 minutes.
What's going on?
Don't you knock before you come in?
I did knock, I've been knocking for a while.
Okay, shh, quiet.
What's going on?
That woman didn't give me the bracelet, so, I have to,
I had to, you know, come up with something,
and I came up with this.
No, well, that's nice.
I can't do it.
Do you know what I went through?
Do you have any idea...
What it takes for me to take a day off?
Do you have any idea?
What, c'mon.
No, let me, maybe I can play nine hole.
Can I play nine?
No, c'mon.
I can't do it.
C'mon, just go.
How about six?
* ( loud music )
Captions copyright 2001 home box office
a division of time Warner entertainment company, l.P.
Captioned by hbo communications center