So, I'm really happy with my new sneakers.
You know, 'cause they're gray.
And if you think about it, it's a good color
'cause white is really too bright,
and black is almost like a pair of shoes.
And gray is kind of right in the middle.
They look good.
I wish you would get back to Cheryl.
You know, we just don't do enough things together.
She plays tennis, she won't play golf.
I can't play tennis because of my neck.
I can't serve,
I'll have to make dainty little serves,
and she'll beat me every time.
What else does Cheryl like to do?
She likes the outdoors.
I don't really like the outdoors, you know.
It's not a good place for bald people out there.
What about the beach?
I don't like the beach in particular.
The beach is lovely this time of year.
I go up to Santa Barbara, we go to the beach.
Very nice, it's not crowded.
Well, I mean, if I went to the beach with her,
she would be...
She wouldn't know what to think, yeah.
She'd be happy.
Yeah, she'd be very happy.
Go to the beach with her.
Hate it.
All those disgusting bodies walking around,
I have to look at them.
Well, our time is up.
Maybe I'll take her to the beach.
Good idea. Maybe I will.
Okay, see you next week, be well.
Hey.
Hey, how you doing?
Good, how are you?
Nice to see you.
You cured?
I'm 100%.
You had the big breakthrough?
I think I'm ready to terminate.
Okay, yeah great.
It's such nonsense, isn't it?
I mean, what are you gonna do?
You can't bother your friends with this stuff.
The list goes on forever.
I know.
Rob, have a seat, I'll be right in.
Okay, alright.
Yeah, listen, I just want to say,
I'm doing this charity thing.
I'm the chairman of this,
you know what grote's syndrome is?
Grote, have you ever heard of grote's syndrome?
No.
It's a syndrome. I mean,
and it affects kids and adults,
who have a tough time controlling their hyperactivity.
It's just like, if you were on five cups of coffee,
at all times.
And so, we're doing a big celebrity auction.
And it would be great if you would agree to,
allow yourself to be auctioned off
and have lunch with somebody.
I mean, a lot of people are doing it.
Tony danza, and Ted Danson.
Well, wait a second, Rob, first of all,
I'm flattered that you would even think of me for this,
but, Rob, no one wants to have lunch with me.
Oh, no, you are the guy who created "Seinfeld".
Yeah, but...
I mean, the people love to be sitting...
No one's gonna bid any money, it's gonna be embarrassing.
To go to a Larry David lunch?
50 cents, you know, it's ridiculous.
No, you'll be surprised how much money we're gonna be able to generate
just by you agreeing to have lunch with them.
I just feel like there's a lot of pressure
for me to be entertaining...
No, you don't have to be entertaining, just be yourself,
and they'll just be thrilled to be with you.
If you don't want to do it...
No, it's fine, I'll do it.
You will?
Oh, great.
You'll be surprised at how much you go for.
Surprised, I'm gonna be,
I think you're gonna be surprised at how little I go for.
Anyway, thanks, Larry, I really appreciate it.
That's great.
Hey.
I think that, uh, Santa Barbara thing,
I think that's a pretty good idea.
I think I'm gonna do it.
You know, go to Santa Barbara, one day.
So, what are you doing on Saturday?
What do you think about going to the beach?
Santa Barbara.
The two of us?
Any interest in that?
Yeah.
Really?
I think that would be wonderful.
Do you?
Really? Of c.
Don't you think I would love to go to e beach?
Do you? You want to?
I can't believe that.
What about golf, you're not playing golf?
So I don't have to play, I won't play, big deal.
So I'll miss a day of golf.
You don't have to play every Saturday.
Oh, no, of course not.
You can spend the day with your wife.
Exactly, that's what I'm doing.
I would love to accept your invitation.
Okay, you got a date.
Now, what do I need to bring?
You know what, you don't need to...
I need a bathing suit, right?
You need a bathing suit,
but that's all you need to worry yourself with, okay?
I'll take care of the rest.
A radio, is there a ballgame I can listen to or anything?
Then you're defeating the purpose, aren't you?
So what do you do, you lie down on a blanket, and...?
You bask in the sun.
Don't forget sunblock.
I will not forget sunblock.
35, 40...
As high as I can get.
As high as you can get.
Gotcha, I'm looking forward to it.
Alright.
That was a nice drive, I have to say.
Oh, yeah, look at this.
It's beautiful out here.
Alright, let's see, I'll grab this.
Oh.
Shoes in here.
I'll get this.
What, where do I put this suit on?
Why didn't you wear it?
You got yours on?
Of course.
I thought it would be uncomfortable.
You're going to the beach.
I didn't want to drive an hour and a half
with a bathing suit on.
Alright, well.
Well, I don't have to put it on.
I'm not gonna go swimming anyway, am I?
So what's the difference?
This is beautiful.
You want this water cooler?
Yeah.
Okay.
I can't carry all this stuff.
What about the umbrella, you want that too?
Yes, please.
Oh, my god, this is gorgeous.
Got any sunblock?
Yeah.
Jews buy, like, 85% of the sun block,
that's sold in this country, don't you think?
I've never thought about...
Without Jews, these sun block people
would be out of business.
Is that right?
Yeah, I've never once seen a gentile ask for,
or even put on sun block.
True.
I don't really get this fascination
that people have with the ocean.
No?
I stare at it for 10 minutes and I go, "okay, I get it".
Don't you feel calmer?
I feel aggravated that I'm missing
what other people are getting.
Holy shit.
What?
I think I just saw my therapist.
You see a guy in a striped bathing suit?
Skimpy, skimpy suit, you see that?
Yeah, I see him.
Yeah, that's my therapist.
Why don't you go say hi?
I can't talk to him in that bathing suit.
It is pretty small.
How can he walk around in a bathing suit like that?
I mean, he's at the beach,
he can wear whatever he wants, right?
What's he doing?
He's just kind of settling in.
Ooh...
Did you see the back of his bathing suit?
How does he walk around like that?
Can we go? Let's just go.
We just got here, we're not gonna go.
That's ridiculous, plus, if you get up,
don't you think he'll see you then?
I've got to stay like this now,
for the rest of the day?
Well, I guess that's up to you.
Well, kiss that therapist goodbye.
The only question now is, do I tell Richard Lewis?
Are you sure it was Dr. weiss?
It was him, it was him.
No question about it. It was weiss, Dr. weiss.
Thong, up his ass.
Like Richard Simmons?
Richard Simmons has a thong up his ass?
Did you ever see him do that shit?
No.
Holy shit.
So, you know, I just wanted to tell you,
you know, so I'm leaving...
You know what, this is so unfair of you.
I turn you on to this guy, he's a brilliant doctor.
I would've never told you.
You should be thanking me.
Saving you from this hedonist giving you advice.
Hedonist, he's a hedonist?
He's not a hedonist.
What is he?
This is my 28th therapist since 1969.
I don't want to go anymore,
I don't want to break the fucking record.
The recap is very hard.
Your recap is two, three months, isn't it?
Two, three months, that's just the crib.
I was born in Brooklyn, and I felt alienated,
and I became an alcoholic...
Okay, you don't have to do it right now.
How am I gonna tell him I'm gonna leave now?
I don't know, can you do it on the phone?
Do you have to do it in person?
You're not canceling cable.
You have to go in, he's a human being,
he's helped you, you got to say...
Let's go out to lunch, let's talk about this,
'cause we need a game plan.
There's no plan, you go in and quit.
What are you gonna do?
Can't we have lunch or something, and discuss this?
I can't.
Why not?
I've been auctioned off for some charity.
What is this, "roots"?
What you mean, auctioned off?
It's some celebrity auction.
Somebody paid $4,000 to go have lunch with me.
Do you believe that?
You should be flattered.
He wants to have lunch with Larry David.
I feel a lot of pressure to be entertaining, you know?
Alright, well, enjoy your lunch.
Mr. David!
Mr. David, over here.
Hiya, John Tyler.
John Tyler?
Wow, like the president,
president Tyler.
Yeah.
Should I call you Mr. president?
This is great, thank you for donating your time
for the auction and everything.
"Tip a canoe and Tyler too."
You know what tip a canoe was?
No.
You don't know,
if I was named after a president,
I would know everything about the president.
I wasn't named after him, it's just a family name.
You never know, I'm related to king David.
Really?
Yes, so, a president
and a king,
at the same table, pretty big table.
It's a family name, really.
Big family?
Yeah, five brothers and sisters, you know,
Irish.
You ever catch your parents having sex?
No.
Well, me either.
You know they did,
but, you wonder when.
So where, where you from?
Jersey, originally.
Yeah?
You ever see, Joe piscopo's "Jersey guy"?
"Hey, I'm Jersey guy.
I'm from Jersey, I'm the Jersey guy."
Yeah, people from Jersey didn't really find that guy funny.
( Glass chiming )
Ever play the salt and pepper shakers?
What song is this?
"Happy birthday to you."
* happy birthday
* happy birthday, Mr. president John Tyler *
* happy birthday
anyway, everybody from grote's syndrome association just...
Thank you for your time,
and for donating the lunch and everything,
we really appreciate it.
Oh, please, whatever you need,
I'll donate anything you want.
I'll donate it all.
My time, my organs.
What do you want, you want a kidney?
I'll give you a kidney.
What else do you need?
I've got a terrific penis.
I could donate a penis.
I've got good spleen, excellent spleen.
* Mr. spleen gets rid of dirt and grime *
* and grease in just a minute *
* Mr. spleen will clean your whole house *
* and everything that's in it, Mr. spleen *
if you change mister to monsieur,
say monsieur spleen,
then you'll think that the commercial was,
* miss your clean, miss your clean *
well, it's a devastating illness,
and we just appreciate everything you've done.
I've never really heard of it, what is it called?
Grote's syndrome.
And what does it do?
Well, it's a nervous system syndrome
that makes people extremely excited and nervous,
my niece has it...
Of course, dick grote, dick grote,
named after dick grote,
the guy who used to play shortstop for the Pittsburgh pirates.
I know, 'cause he was a bald guy.
And he didn't feel very well,
'cause he was very excited all the time, is that it?
Well, no, the doctor that initially diagnosed it,
was named grote.
You sure it wasn't dick grote?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Dr. grote might be dick grote's father,
for all we know.
No?
No, my niece has it, and...
You might want to check into that.
So, he's wearing this skimpy kind of speedo bathing suit,
his boys are hanging out all over the place.
I'm not going back there.
No way, I can't, would you?
To the beach?
No, to the therapist.
Yours will be ready in just a few minutes, sir.
Mind if I start?
Oh, he said it'll just be a couple minutes.
So, you don't want me to start, is that it?
It's a couple minutes.
You don't mind, do you?
I just think it's kind of weird.
I mean, if you had your food come first,
I would say, go ahead and start, what do I care?
Well, I would wait for you to get yours.
I really wouldn't want you to wait.
I'd be uncomfortable if you waited.
Well, I'd feel it would be polite to wait
for your food to arrive.
I think it's kind of impolite to prevent a person
who is hungry from eating.
Yeah, but we're supposed to be having lunch together.
Do we have to start at the exact same time?
I don't get that.
Well, I don't see why you can't wait two seconds
for your cold sandwich, it's not even hot.
Well, I don't see why you care if I take a bite of my food.
How does that bother you?
Because we're having lunch together.
The two of?
Thanks.
Hey, Rob.
Thanks for switching appointments with me.
Yeah, no, problem.
Larry, what happened with that lunch?
Oh, man, um...
What did you do?
I'm sorry, I just.
What did you do?
I felt so much pressure
from the fact that this guy had paid $4,000,
and I tried too hard to be entertaining and affable.
So, you told him that grote's syndrome
was named after the shortstop for the Pittsburgh pirates,
dick grote?
I didn't say that as a fact, I speculated, because...
Speculated?
Yeah, well, 'cause Lou gehrig had a disease named after him.
And dick grote was a ball player.
I thought it was a possibility.
Didn't you read any of the literature I sent you?
It depresses me to read that stuff.
Well, then you shouldn't have agreed to do it.
I was just having lunch with the guy.
I know, but Larry, that's another thing.
You start eating before he gets his food?
What kind of, I mean, grote's or no grote's,
I mean, where are your manners?
I asked if he wouldn't mind, I was starving.
And what did he say?
He says he did mind.
And you should've taken that as your cue to wait
'til his food arrived, so that you could start eating.
Meanwhile, the guy's insulted.
I said to him, "do you mind if I start", and he said "yes".
Now what kind of person says yes to "do you mind if I start"?
Do you know anybody who would say yes to that?
He told me he was going to cancel the $4,000 check,
unless, you know, I was like, searching.
I said, "is there anything we can do to make it up to you?"
And he said, "well, maybe if Larry would"
"get more involved and show that he really cared
"about grote's syndrome, maybe then,
I would agree to give the money."
And I suggested, "well, if Larry would agree to host"
"the grote's syndrome talent show,
maybe, he could make it up to you that way",
and he said he would agree to make his donation
if you would agree to host the talent show.
Couldn't I just write the check?
Larry, that's not the point.
It's not just the giving money.
It's getting involved, you know, in grote's.
It's being, grote's active.
It's not a big deal,
all you got to do is you show up,
you say a few things, you make a couple of jokes,
and then you introduce the participants in the show.
These are all people, by the way, with grote's syndrome.
These are all people who will demonstrate
that you can have a life with grote's syndrome,
and you can be active and talented and all of that.
I don't understand how lunch could come,
and it's right in front of you, and...
If you don't feel like you've done anything wrong.
And you don't feel like you have to make it up to them,
then fine, go your merry way.
I don't want you to lose the check,
well, this would go a long way to helping us secure that check,
and I think also, do quite a bit
in raising some consciousness about grote's.
They still trust me now, they would want me to do that?
Maybe...
Okay, alright.
Alright, well, thanks a lot.
You'll think about it?
I definitely will.
Feel good.
Alright, you too.
Okay, I do.
Goodbye.
Hello.
Well, I've got some...
Some big news.
And the news is that...
I think I'm all better.
Really?
I'm feeling pretty good.
Pretty, pretty, pretty,
pretty, pretty good.
What happened?
I had an epiphany.
And I'm just, my whole life is in perspective.
I feel great.
What was your epiphany?
I'm ready to terminate.
I'm terminating. I think I can terminate.
That's wonderful, Larry.
You know what I am? I'm the Terminator.
I am the Terminator.
Was it the beach?
Was it going to the beach that did it?
Oh, I didn't go to the beach.
I went shopping with my wife, and...
Which is even better, to got shopping with her,
imagine that.
No beach?
I didn't go to the beach, no.
But here's the thing that I want to say.
Every now and then, I'm sure I'll have a problem
that's gonna come up.
I would love to be able to come back.
You know, just intermittently if I can,
if you'll have me, I hope you will.
Just to kind of have a little refresher course,
just in case things start to go off again.
So, now you feel all these things that were upsetting you...
Yes, I don't need to come in regularly anymore.
All the problems, the Jason Alexander...
Jason Alexander, yeah, what?
I go to his office for a meeting,
he wants me to go back there for the next meeting.
You see how agitated you are Larry?
Well, I mean, that's a situation that I find rather annoying.
Yeah, but that's okay, that's okay.
No, I mean, 'cause you just got through saying,
how great you feel.
I do feel great.
But, if you're gonna remind me of the holocaust,
I'm not gonna feel so great.
Frankly, Larry, you see...
I don't really think I need to come.
You seem agitated today.
Agitated?
No, what you're seeing as agitation is actually ebullience.
You've never seen me ebullient,
so you don't even know what it is.
"Who am I?" you're saying to yourself.
Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Who are you?
I don't even want to talk about it too much,
lest I dissipate it.
I mean...
I see swings of emotion that that disturb me
a little bit, Larry.
There's no swing.
I'm a hammock.
A hammock is very placid.
A hammock?
Yeah, just gently flowing in the in the breeze, that's me.
I must tell you, Larry,
you don't seem to be gently flowing in the breeze.
You've been in therapy for a while,
I know you pretty well.
I feel bad that you are such a good therapist,
that you're kind of a victim of your own talents and skills,
that you have to lose a patient
because of the job that you did.
It's unfortunate, I'm sorry.
I just want to make sure that I'm losing you
for the reason that you're saying.
Oh, yeah, of course you are.
Because I know you were at the beach, Larry.
I was not at the beach.
So, it had nothing to do with the thong?
So?
He's on to us.
He knows about the whole thong thing,
he knows all about it.
He knows about the thong thing.
He's on to us?
He's on to me.
How did this happen? He's on to me now.
He'll be on to you.
How did this happen?
Who told him?
I had this lunch with that guy for the charity,
and I told him about it,
he must've told Rob reiner, Rob must've told him.
Why would Rob even, oh, Christ.
It must have came up somehow, I don't know.
So what happened?
Are you out of there?
I'm out, yeah.
How?
I told him I was happy and I didn't need the therapy.
You told him what?
I told him I was happy.
That's what I'm telling him.
How can you steal my termination?
I didn't steal your termination.
I didn't know you were gonna say you were happy.
How else am I gonna leave a shrink?
How the fuck do I know?
I'm miserable and I'm suicidal, I want to leave?
So, what am I gonna do?
Tell him you're a scientologist or something.
I'm not a scientologist.
Tell him you're into scientology.
Oh, it's easy for you to say, I'm a shrink person.
It doesn't matter, you need something to get out.
Tell him you went to scientology.
No, I need a better excuse.
Oh, look, what is this? This is what?
Is this the Beverly center, this thing?
This is so, look at this,
with the leather, the whole thing here.
Oh, hi, doc, no, that's unbelievable.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, listen, it's good to see you.
Stay feeling good, I feel great too.
Yeah, okay, what's the name of that book again,
"Battlestar Galactica"?
I don't know, I just...
Okay, I'll look, I'll check that out,
it's a movie too, isn't it?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm very happy, I'm very happy for you.
How are you?
Good, how are you?
I've never felt better in my entire life.
* grote's, we're not as hyper as we seem *
* grote's, let's hold on to the dream *
( applause )
Thank you.
Yes, that was Beth sweeney, ladies and gentlemen.
Another round of applause for Beth sweeney.
Wasn't she wonderful?
And she is living proof of the great work being done
by our team of scientists at the grote's laboratories.
And I have been assured that after they come up
with a cure for grote's,
they're gonna tackle baldness.
I've been assured.
So, watch out, bald people.
Your day is coming,
don't give up hope, keep hope alive,
you must keep hope alive, bald people.
Okay, our next performer
is a young lady who comes to us from fullerton, California.
And she's a pianist.
And I think you're going to enjoy her very much.
Please welcome, miss Melanie Tyler,
ladies and gentlemen, Melanie Tyler.
( Song speeding up )
This is awful.
You can't let her do this.
I don't know if we should pull her off.
I gotta get her off.
Alright, okay, Melanie Tyler, okay.
No.
Time to stop.
No!
Come on, come on, stop.
No!
Oh, stop.
Ugh, ugh.
Captions copyright 2001 home box office
a division of time Warner entertainment company, l.P.
Captioned by hbo communications center