( Laughing )
( Male ) so, my agent calls,
and he has an audition for me for a biker.
Right.
So, I'm just psyched,
and I get my hell's angels jacket on,
and my leather and I bust into the room.
And there's 30 actors with bicycle shorts on,
the spandex ones.
( Laughing )
And little gloves, and I'm just going,
"oh, brutal."
Hi. Hi.
You remember Brad, or you, you...
This is Brad.
Hey, Brad.
Gosh, I didn't even hear you come in.
Yeah, well, you were laughing pretty hard.
I guess you couldn't hear the door.
That was funny.
He was telling me some bad audition stories.
Yeah, it's hard being an actor.
It is, it is.
It's not too bad.
No, you seem to be doing alright.
Yeah.
Well, um, you know, you guys continue.
I'll go upstairs, no big deal,
and I'll talk to you later.
What are you talking about?
No, no, I got to go, I got an audition.
Yeah, no, I got to go.
And I will see you Thursday and we'll do it again.
Yeah, alright.
Thanks for the beer.
Yeah.
Okay, take it easy.
Bye, Brad.
Bye. See ya.
You know, I'm thinking, maybe I'll go out and get myself
a heterosexual single woman to play golf with.
Oh, Larry, are you a little jealous, what's going on?
No, I'm just... I'm not jealous.
I'm just saying that I'm gonna...
I can't have a friend?
Ah, you're pretty naive.
We can't play tennis...
Play tennis, I don't care.
He still wants to sleep with you.
He's a man, he's attracted to you,
and he wants to have sex with you.
You don't think he does?
No, I don't think he does.
Well, you don't know anything about men.
Oh, is that right?
That's right, yeah.
Well, you know what, I wouldn't even be
playing tennis with him if you played tennis with me.
You want to play tennis with me?
I'll play tennis with you, fine.
Okay.
Yeah, you'll call him up,
just say you're playing tennis with me on Thursday.
Alright, I will.
Alright.
That'll be lovely.
Boy, the restaurant's looking good.
Looks great.
Yeah, I know, wow.
Yeah, three weeks away.
You happy you did it?
This is very cool, I'm glad you talked me into it.
Yeah, how you doing?
Yesterday I get home,
there's this guy in my living room.
He plays tennis with my wife, he's an actor, you know,
I said, it's wrong.
I mean, she's got this, what, this heterosexual friend?
Why is he at your house?
I know, why is he at my house, exactly.
And, you know, she said,
"then you play tennis with me."
So, I said, okay, I'll play tennis with you.
So, now I got to play tennis with her.
That's better than him pulling something.
Huh?
Better than...
Hey! Oh, geez.
What the hell?
Is that coffee?
Give me table salt, we've got a spill.
Give me a towel.
Wow.
Alright.
What are you doing?
This is an old restaurant trick.
You got to dilute the stain with club soda.
Uh-huh.
And then you put on table salt.
Club soda and then salt, huh?
That's gonna get that stain out?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Get out of here, really?
Now this has got to set a few minutes
and then it'll be fine.
Is that so?
Oh, yes.
Well, I love that.
Hey, uh, Larry.
Hey, Randy.
We need to talk.
You got a minute?
Sure.
Hey, Randy.
Uh, hey, Jeff.
Um, I'm out, guys.
What do you mean, what are you talking about?
Out, out of what?
I can't do this, I can't cook.
I can't cook in this restaurant.
I'm no good, I suck.
What? That's ridiculous.
You cooked at my house last week.
It was delicious.
You don't want me, I'm doing you a big favor, believe me.
What is this about, peanuts?
Is that what this is about?
That didn't help, because a lot of cooks,
you know, it's frowned on when they poison someone.
Well, is it because he asked for ketchup?
I always have ketchup.
No, you know what?
My mom gave me ketchup.
He loves ketchup, so what?
You can't go by him.
Where's this coming from?
What are you talking about?
It's coming from the pressure.
This is going to be a big celebrity restaurant,
I've been reading all the publicity.
It's making me nuts, I can't sleep at night.
What?!
This place is gonna get reviewed, you know.
It's gonna get reviewed.
You've built this up in your imagination, man.
This is crazy.
Look, I'm really sorry.
It is not me, can't do it.
Just, I'm sorry.
Can't.
Hey, Randy.
Look, man, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
What?
Huh.
He just quit.
Randy just quit?
Well, why?
He was upset, he just didn't feel like he can do it.
He felt inadequate and didn't think he was a good cook,
and all the pressure of the restaurant opening.
The reviews, he doesn't want to be reviewed.
And all the publicity.
A chef doesn't want to be reviewed?
A chef doesn't want to be reviewed.
Was it the whole peanut thing?
Is that what upset him?
No, we never mentioned the peanut thing.
No, he just, he feels pressure.
Do we have any ideas, like, three weeks away,
what are we gonna do?
Find somebody.
I don't know anybody, but we'll find somebody.
I don't know anybody, no.
Oh, wait a minute.
Josh.
Josh would be great.
Josh, the guy who cooks for us at home.
He'd be fabulous.
If we could come over and try it?
Yeah.
Yeah, obviously we'd have to, we'd have to come over
and sample it, right?
Ah, c'mon over and you can sample it.
Oh, yes, he's a great cook.
You don't want to hold him back, huh?
No, no.
Oh, my god!
He got it all out, the stain's gone.
Club soda and salt.
The trick is to get to the stain before it dries.
Whatever happened to that, um...
That place for your parents?
I'm getting them that apartment on barrington.
Alright.
Oh.
You know what, I swear to you,
I'm gonna kill you when that ball hits me.
So, my mother will start getting that new treatment
at cedar sinai and hopefully she'll get better
and they'll go home.
Hey, Melanie, ed.
Hey, how are you guys doing?
Hey, good.
Lawrence.
Well, it's so good to see you.
Hi.
Boy, you guys look good.
Thanks. Thank you.
Just playing some tennis.
Playing some tennis, yeah.
So are we.
It's good to see you guys.
Thank you.
Alright.
Yeah, have a good game.
Yes.
B'bye. You too.
What the hell was that?
I don't know.
They were... she was acting like she doesn't even know me.
When was the last time you called her?
I don't know, about three months ago, maybe.
Uh-huh.
Um, oh, my god.
You know, we never really bought 'em a wedding gift.
And it's been over a year.
Yeah, it's over a year.
How did we forget a wedding gift?
We should just pick something up.
You know, I mean, I don't want...
Fine, fine, we'll get them...
Every time we run into them I don't want it to be like that.
I know but it's ridiculous to just harbor a grudge,
because we didn't get them a present.
We went out of our way to fly to Chicago to their wedding.
We should just pick something up for them.
Buy 'em a car.
Uh!
You okay?
Uh!
Is that good?
It was out.
That was out?
Yeah.
If we were playing doubles it would've been good.
You know what, you gotta stop the grunting.
What are you talking about?
You grunt on every shot.
Every shot you hit, you, "uh, uh",
you make this disgusting noise.
( Snorting )
You don't hear it?
No.
What do you mean, "no"?
That's how I play tennis.
I didn't even know I was doing it.
Well, you grunt every shot.
It's really annoying and it's throwing me off.
Oh, is that, is that why you're losing?
It sounds like pigs fucking.
How do you like this, would you like to listen to this, huh?
Uh!
I don't mind it.
Uh!
Alright, that's a game.
And set.
( Laughing )
I really think I've finally found the perfect sock.
I'm not kidding.
'Cause it's not exactly white.
You don't want a white sock.
It's sort of a...
Is this boring you?
I don't know, if you had said to me,
I found a perfect pair of socks, I'd go, no kidding,
where'd you get them, what are they like?
So, you know that play, "Tony and Tina's wedding"?
I think I might go on Friday.
Oh.
What?
You don't want me to go with you?
Well, I didn't know that you'd want to go.
I'm just, I'm throwing it out there.
Well, why wouldn't I want to go?
I enjoy the theater as much as the next guy.
Because the characters mix in with the audience.
So what, I'm fine with that.
You are?
Yeah.
Okay, good.
What, how come you want to go see that?
Uh, I've just heard a lot about it.
You know, and Brad's in it.
So...
Oh.
What is wrong with you?
You're thinking about going to see.
"Tony and Tina's wedding" on Friday night,
and...
Brad is in it.
I want us to go see "Tony and Tina's wedding".
Oh, do you?
I do.
Yeah.
You know what, go see "Tony and Tina's wedding".
That's fine.
No, I want us to go together.
Yeah, I heard what you said.
You know, it wasn't that hard to figure out.
I meant, "we".
I'll just go see the show and go home.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, no, listen.
You and Brad can go out and have some beers.
I was saying, "we", it was the assumed, "we".
There was no assumed "we".
You said, "I".
You're reading things into it.
I don't think I am.
I think you are.
I think you're completely reading things into this.
I don't think so.
You are so busted.
I am not.
Listen, I want to go with you.
No.
Don't you want to go with me?
I don't know.
It depends on what you'll do for it.
Well, I'll do just about anything.
Really, is that right?
Yeah, yeah.
Do you have a problem with that?
No, I like this.
Getting in trouble, using sex to get out of it.
This is very good.
Okay, good, then we're both happy.
Oh, shit.
Alright, don't worry about it.
You know what, it's cranberry juice.
It's not gonna come out anyway.
Come here.
Oh, no, no, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.
I saw this thing at the restaurant today.
Club soda and salt!
Gets the whole stain out.
You know what, it's an old rug.
Don't worry about it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait 'til you see this.
You're gonna be amazed, time's of the essence!
Where's the salt?!
It's by the stove!
I hope I'm not too late.
That's the only thing I hope.
I hope I'm not too late.
Club soda, okay?
Put the club soda, use very liberally,
do a tap tap.
I saw him tap tap.
Now the salt, salt all over.
Don't spare the salt.
And you are gonna be amazed at how this works.
That's it.
That's all you need to do.
And, we've, uh...
Still got a few minutes 'til it dries.
Are you out of your mind?
Why?
Are you kidding me?
C'mon, we got a few minutes.
Gotta dry.
I just gave you a whole window of opportunity
that has slammed closed.
What do you mean you gave me a window of opportunity?
Honey.
What?
No.
Alright.
When you get up tomorrow morning,
that stain's gonna be all gone.
You watch.
Hey.
Hey. Hey.
C'mon in, hope you're hungry.
How are you, Jeff?
Good, how are you doing, man?
Good, good, good, good.
You're in for a treat.
He's very excited.
Hey, Josh!
What are you talking about, he's excited?
He's so excited.
Hi, gentlemen, how are you?
I'm Josh.
Larry.
Yeah, Jeff.
Jeff, nice to meet you.
I just want to thank you for the opportunity
for possibly being your chef for the new restaurant.
I'm gonna run back in and do some last minute prep,
but I will see you in a bit.
Thank you.
This is gonna be fun, c'mon.
What did you do, you told him?
What do you mean, what did I do?
Why did you tell him that we were coming to,
for that purpose?
What was I supposed to do?
Just tell him friends over for dinner.
You didn't have to tell him hat the whole thing was about.
What's the big deal?
An audition's a lot of pressure.
We have three weeks, that's a lot of pressure.
This is not... he's a good cook.
Relax, come enjoy.
C'mon, seriously.
You're impossible.
Pass the, uh, salt, please?
That's a nice shirt.
Yeah, my mom got it for me.
She dropped it off at the office.
What is that, like, a velour or something?
Don't know, it's very comfortable.
Alright, alright, what do you think?
C'mon.
Food?
Yeah.
Great!
Yeah, great.
He knows his stuff.
Yeah, meat, he really does meat well.
Tender.
You were right, good call.
Thank you, thank you.
What do you think, Larry?
Eh.
What do you mean, "eh"?
Eh.
You're crazy.
You know something, you walked in with this attitude.
I didn't walk in with any attitude.
You did too.
I did not walk in with an attitude.
Just as I told him before.
That's bullshit.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Why do you say that?
'Cause you weight, like, eight pounds.
What do you know about food?
Thin people know more about food than fat people.
I have more food experience than you, my friend.
Oh, let me tell you something, okay?
What?
I never got laid a lot,
but that doesn't mean the guy who laid more than me
appreciated it any more.
What the hell does that have to do with anything?
A guy who gets laid a lot knows more about...
Oh, wait, wait, he might know more about sex
but he doesn't appreciate it any more.
I appreciate it.
You know, you are such a pain in the ass.
Alright, fine, what are we gonna do?
What do you want to do?
Well, we'll just have to find somebody who we all agree on.
No, I mean, what do you want to do about Josh?
He worked his heart out for this meal.
Well, you know, what are we supposed to do?
We can't hire him if we don't all agree on it.
Alright, fine, you tell him.
I don't have to tell him.
Josh!
Gentlemen, how was everything?
Did you enjoy your lamb?
Wonderful.
It was delicious.
Good.
Did you enjoy the plum, apricot, and mint chutney?
The chutney was amazing.
Thank you very much.
Larry has something he wants to tell you.
Yes, Larry?
It was good.
I just don't think it's...
It's quite right for the restaurant though.
What was wrong with it?
A little saucy.
A little too saucy.
Saucy?
Yeah, kind of saucy.
Was there anything else?
Uh, not really.
I guess dessert's out of the question.
No, I'll still have, take dessert.
I'll take dessert too.
Okay.
And you have decaf?
I'd love a decaf too, a little bit of skim milk.
Ted?
No.
Okay.
What should we get for their wedding present?
I love how these people take their shopping carts
and just bring 'em home and leave them there.
What is that?
So, I was thinking maybe that store on Montana Avenue.
You know, I really don't like not driving.
You should've let me drive.
It's my car.
On the way back I'm gonna drive.
Why?
I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.
No, really.
I feel very...
Dull.
Mm-hmm.
You want me to sing or you want the, uh, radio?
Uh, I think I'd rather the radio.
Alright.
( Music playing )
What is this, a tape?
Mm-hmm.
What are you doing with a tape?
I thought you only buy cds.
Um, actually a friend loaned it to me.
Who is this?
It's al green.
Who gave you this tape?
Brad.
It's good, isn't it?
* you oughta be with me *
"you oughta be with me"?
Is that what he's saying?
You oughta be with me.
That's what, that's what he's singing about?
What is wrong with you?
What the...
Wait, Brad gives you a tape?
An al green tape?
"You oughta be with me"?
You know what, I don't know...
I swear to god, this thing gets worse every time.
No, listen...
Everyday, this story is getting worse and worse and worse.
Alright.
What about a nice bowl, huh?
You know what, they've probably got tons of bowls.
I mean, I'm sure they were registered somewhere.
Everybody likes a good bowl for cereal and...
I feel like I'm not gonna find anything in here.
Because they probably have all this stuff, right?
Dishes and stemware, and...
Why don't we just get them a nice piece of fish?
We should just go next door to that wine shop
and get an expensive bottle of wine.
Let's do that.
How expensive?
Two, 250?
I don't know, it's got to be a good one.
'Cause they'll know the difference.
Oh, of course they will.
Alright, are you coming?
Uh, what, between this and a wine store?
No, I'll stay here.
Alright, I'll be right back.
Okay!
Hi.
What can I help you find?
Oh, uh, nothing, you know, I'm just browsing.
Yeah, you got that bewildered look.
I know it's a lot to take in.
We'll just, uh...
No, I'm okay.
You know, if we narrow it down...
You know what, I appreciate it.
I'm not really, I'm not really shopping.
I'm just kind of browsing.
If I need help, I'll let you know.
Oh, take your time.
Okay, thank you.
Great, okay.
Oh, all the napkin rings in the store are 10% off.
Just this week.
Not just these, there's a million more.
They're all 10% off.
Okay.
They make such great gifts.
Oh, we have, um, come over here for a second.
Let me show...
You know what?
I'm really not interested in buying anything.
But thank you.
If you're looking in the low, something more affordable,
we have smaller items.
It's not that, I'm just not looking.
I'm not interested, but, thank you.
Okay.
Flatware is always great.
Alright, look.
Can you stop following me around, please?
I'm not interested in buying anything.
Stop following me!
Uh, I don't really understand what's giving you that idea.
Are you, maybe you're paranoid.
You've done a complete circle with me now in the store.
Well, then why are you here,
if you're not interested in buying anything?
Have you ever heard of browsers?
Is that word unfamiliar to you, a browser?
Please leave.
You got it.
Thank you, have a great day.
I'm well on the way.
You know what, we should just drop this off at the loebs.
You know, we're in the neighborhood.
$300.
I know.
So ridiculous.
But it's a good one.
( Cell phone ringing )
Hello?
( On speakerphone ) hey, Cheryl, Brad.
Hi, Brad.
Hey, what's up?
Nothing.
Larry's in the car.
Oh, hey, hey, Larry.
Hey, Brad.
How you doing?
Pretty good.
Hey, Cheryl, still coming to "Tony and Tina's wedding"?
Yeah.
Hey, I'm going too, Brad.
Oh, okay, great.
Hey Larry, still looking for a chef?
Um, actually, I am.
Well, my friend Paul is the chef at alsace
and he's thinking about leaving.
I know that place alsace.
That's a good restaurant.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what?
Why don't we go eat there after the show,
and you can check out the food?
Okay, that sounds pretty good.
Alright, well, uh...
Hey, I'll see you at the show.
Okay, bye.
Take it easy, Cheryl.
"Larry's in the car."
What?
"Larry's in the car," so, if you, uh,
plan on doing any dirty-talking,
better save it for another time because Larry's in the car.
I was just letting him know.
To be polite when you're on speakerphone,
you're supposed to let people know...
Oh, yes.
Who's listening.
Uh-huh.
I mean, I think that you would be excited.
He might have found a chef.
I actually am, I think that could be good.
I'll call Ted and Jeff and set it up.
Okay.
( Sirens )
What is this, oh, my god.
Oh, shit, there's a cop, what do we do?
Just pull over, Larry.
Oh, here we go, Jesus Christ.
What did you do?
Let me see your driver's license sir?
Yeah, can I ask what I did?
Sure can.
Sir, we had a report from a young lady on her cell phone
saying you've been following her in your car.
Following someone, what?
I'm going to drop off a bottle of wine,
it's a friend's house in moreno.
Okay, well, we did have a...
This is the guy.
I can't believe you were doing this.
This guy came into the store where I work
and accused me of following around,
and then had, like, a little freak-out fit.
And now he's following me.
I don't even know what she's talking about.
You're turning left when I'm turning left,
you're turning right when I'm turning right.
This is, like, your sick revenge?
You follow me around and you scare me like that?
This is just so idiotic.
What is wrong with you?
Would you explain to me why you've been following this lady?
I'm not following her.
I was in a store, and she was following me.
She was following me.
I was not following him.
You don't even know how to work in a store.
People ask you to leave them alone and you harass them!
First of all I was not following you!
You were so following me!
I was not following you, I work there.
Folks, we're in a residential neighborhood here, please.
Listen, when my husband finds out about this,
there's gonna be a problem.
Who's worried about your husband?
Yeah, you are, you know what, you are.
Sir, why don't you just stay in your car for a moment,
I'll be right back with you.
Maybe we should've called first.
We're right in the neighborhood, what's the difference?
I know, but do you just drop by somebody's house?
Sure, why, you got a gift, you drop by.
Hello. Hey, Melanie.
Hi.
Hey, ed.
Well, we were just in the neighborhood.
Oh.
And thought we'd drop off your wedding gift.
I'm sorry it's late, congratulations.
We can't take your wedding, are you serious?
No.
We can't take a wedding gift now.
We got married 14 months ago.
You can't give a gift after a year, you know that.
I know, that's why I'm sorry.
You can't give a gift after a year?
And what happens after a year?
You just can't give it, that's the cut-off.
You can't give it?
( Cheryl ) you can give it with an apology.
This is a beautiful bottle of wine.
We can't take it, you know that!
It's an afterthought, and it's late.
We just spent $300 on this bottle of wine for you
and you're not accepting it?!
Is that what you're saying to me?
You can't take the gift after a year.
You had no problem
taking the $200 engagement vase we got you.
You had no problem with the shower gift.
What'd you get her?
The nightgown.
The nightgown, that was okay.
Then we flew to Chicago for your little wedding bash.
You're into us now for about $5,500 as I see it.
Alright, first of all, it was not a little wedding.
We had 266 people there and then why did you come?
Why, because she put a gun to my head, that's why!
I don't believe that.
I don't believe that!
You came 'cause you wanted to come.
Oh, yeah, I was desperate to go to your wedding.
If it was too expensive, you shouldn't have come, Larry.
Okay, and I'm sorry that you can't accept a gift
after 12 months, but you just can't.
And it's the way things are.
Fine, okay, they don't want the wine.
We're past the cut-off, we're sorry.
You would do the same thing, Larry.
I know you would do the same thing.
Hey, by the way, do you have anybody in there
to clean up the mess I'm about to make right now?
No, no, no.
Thank you!
Next time call.
You know what I was just thinking,
maybe you should've worn a sports coat.
Really, you think so, I mean, that's true.
Everybody's wearing a sports jacket.
Well, he's not wearing a sport jacket, that guy.
But he might be an actor.
That might be part of his character.
Oh.
That's what happens, actors mingle.
Alright, I'm gonna go use the bathroom.
Okay, I'll grab a pew.
Hey, how you doing, I'm Angelo.
Antola, Angelo antola.
Hi, Brad.
Brad?
Hey, so, you with, uh, Tony's side or Tina's side?
Brad, you know, cut the shit, okay?
Shit, Brad, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
I'm on Tina's side.
Oh, are you?
Yeah, yeah, me and Tina, we're close.
Oh, shame she's gonna marry that jerk.
Only doing it for the money, she don't love him.
She doesn't love him.
But me and Tina, that's a different story.
We got something special, me and her.
Oh, do you?
Between the two of us, no one would understand, really.
Yeah, well, you're a very complex person.
Thank you.
We have a better understanding of things,
than that cocksucker.
That cocksucker Tony.
Yeah, that cocksucker.
Yeah, he's a cocksucker, Tony.
Yeah, one day, me and Tina, we'll end up together.
'Cause this will never work.
Yeah, you think so?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah?
Then I'll finally slip her the sausage.
Oh, is that right?
That's right.
That very formidable sausage of yours.
And she will be forever grateful, my friend.
Yeah, it's been fun doing this little improv with you.
Improv, whatever you want to call it.
I'll see you later at the restaurant.
At the reception, you bet, you bet.
I'll swing by, I'll say hello.
Yeah, well, good, that's good, okay, yeah.
Hey, that's not bad.
You swing by, I'll see you later, okay?
I'll see you later.
Okay.
You guys missed a great show.
Really, you should check it out.
Don't you think?
Yeah, it was really good.
And Brad was great, by the way.
Thank you.
Hey, Larry, some guy named Angelo keeps looking for you.
He was doing some schtick in the bathroom.
Nothing funnier than shtick in the bathroom.
It was good, it was good.
You should check it out.
I'm hungry, should we do this?
I'm starving.
I'll tell you what, we should order everything on the menu.
Alright.
The chef's name's Paul?
Paul.
Chef Paul.
Want to get some wine?
Suddenly, I'm thirsty.
I know this seems crazy but...
Oh, my god, I didn't know you brought the wine.
I know, it was a surprise.
Excuse me, can you open this wine for us?
Well, sure.
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, wait 'til you hear this story.
So, we have these friends that got married...
Didn't take it?
So, they didn't take it, and Larry started shouting.
Yeah.
And I just grabbed it.
Look at that.
They actually didn't accept a gift.
I've never heard of anything so crazy.
$300 bottle of wine, we win.
Here's to the loebs.
Yeah, to the loebs.
Hey, what's your problem?!
What is your problem?
Cheryl, don't move.
I've got it under control.
I need club soda and salt.
Hey, you, turn around, look at her, right there.
Is this the guy?
Yes.
Yeah. That's him?
You were following my wife?
I wasn't following her.
She called the cops on you.
Look at me.
I need salt, I need salt.
I said look at me!
She's scared half to death,
and you are some kind of pervert following her in the store?!
I'll take you outside, look at me!
I will kick your ass right now!
Captions copyright 2002 home box office
a division of time Warner entertainment company, l.P.
Captioned by hbo communications center