My...
This is really coming along here.
Hey, I'll take a seven and seven.
What are you doing?
A little plumbing.
A little plumbing, got to plumb,
plumb the depths,
the depths of hell.
What is this thing, marble, this bar?
Yeah.
Ever schlep marble?
You ought to try schlepping marble one day.
It's a schlep.
Okay, so you just sign these two okay?
Larry, how are you?
Good, how are you doing?
I gotta go talk to the meat guy, I'll see you guys later.
Larry, hey, I am so glad you came in.
Hello, you.
I have invited everybody, all the other investors,
over to my house for a pool party.
And I had hoped to invite you
and here you are.
Everybody's going?
Yep, yeah.
Terrific.
So, and now you.
Alright, alright.
Well, terrific, that's terrific.
Hopefully see you Sunday.
Hey, Hugh.
That sounds funny.
Didn't you tell me that you're the head of mellon...
Mellon ritter publishing?
Yeah, and you do bartlett's quotations, right?
That is the flagship of our fleet, yeah.
Okay, 'cause my friend, Richard Lewis,
wants to get into bartlett quotations.
He has a quotable quote?
He coined the phrase, "the blank from hell."
That's his?
Absolutely.
It's been around for quite some time.
No, that's his.
The blank from hell, yeah.
You know, like, the woman from hell or...
Yeah, the mother-in-law from hell, yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, I will, I'll run this by my partner...
"The blank from hell."
Yeah.
Look forward to seeing you Sunday.
Okay.
Hey. Hey.
How are you?
Good.
So, what's going on, man?
You going to his pool party?
Yeah, I am, yeah, I am.
Wearing a bathing suit, you going swimming?
Speedo.
Speedo. Speedo?
Yeah, listen, I am bringing somebody there.
Good for you.
Yeah, susie.
Ah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know...
Uh-huh.
Keep this under wraps okay, 'cause this is a...
I shouldn't say anything 'cause this is just not,
you can tell Cheryl that it's, okay?
Susie's pregnant.
Yeah, so, I'm moving back in.
I get to move back into my house, if, you know, @
the only thing that stinks is that stupid dog
that I'm allergic to, other than that I'm very happy.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, it's all good, it's very good.
Oh, yeah, it sounds great.
No, it is, it's really good, it's good, trust me.
It'll all be fine.
Well, alright, welcome back to the married people's club.
Oh, we're all so happy.
I was saying to my wife, you know,
you should just let me date.
Because I'll come home, it'll bring us much closer.
I'll come home, we'll talk about the date.
You'll say how did the date go.
I'll say, oh, I couldn't stand her, she did this and that.
You know, the way you talk to a guy about it.
Right.
So, we'd have a good laugh and then we'd have sex
and that would, you know, we'd have a good time.
You and your wife would have sex?
Yeah, after I told her about my date.
But what if you went on a date
and you ended up getting laid from the date?
Well, then I'd tell her about that too.
Oh, yeah, we went back to her place, you know,
we had sex and I had to make up an excuse to leave and whatever.
That's beautiful.
I like that.
Perfect world.
Hey, look at this.
Aww.
"Going out of business."
Well, where are we gonna buy our bread?
Our favorite bakery.
What's going on?
You guys are going out of business?
Yep, we just lost the lease.
Oh, what a shame.
I know, it's horrible.
Oh, too bad.
Well, we got here just in time, didn't we?
Well, we're still in business.
We're thriving.
Great.
Alright, well we need something for our little pool party.
Yeah, we need probably a cake, right?
Mm-hm, sponge cake.
Sponge cake?
Wait, wait, wait, are you kidding me?
Nobody's gonna eat that.
This is the best sponge cake in town, I'm telling you.
Trust me on this, I know what I'm talking about.
This thing is so moist it's like eating a sponge.
Okay, listen, why don't we,
why don't we go with this one, it looks better and it's...
We'll get, trust me on this one, okay?
The sponge cake yeah, we'll take that.
We'll take it, but no one's gonna eat it.
How much is that?
Uh, this is $12.95.
What?
$12.95. $12.95?
No wonder why you're going out of business.
You know, he's got some place here, mellon, huh?
Uh, you know, it's a little ostentatious.
Oh, Jeffrey.
This is so good.
Thank you. Unbelievable.
It's like eating a delicious sponge.
Huh, it's like eating a delicious sponge.
Did I tell you?
I haven't seen sponge cake since my grandmother's mahjongg game.
Well, let me tell you something.
That doesn't mean that it's not good.
Where'd you get it?
Oh, it doesn't matter, they're going out of business.
But where, tell me?
It's moot, they're going out of business.
It's not moot, that's not moot.
How's that not moot?
It's not moot. It's totally moot.
They're going out of business, Jeff.
What do you need to know?
It's not a moot point.
Alright, fine, it's Butterman's.
That's a good bakery, they're going out of business?
Yeah, they're going out of business.
Oh, that's a shame, those poor people.
( Cheryl ) well, maybe they're retiring.
I don't know, anyway, where's the bathroom?
Uh, you have to use the cabana.
They won't let you in the house.
What?
No, no, no, they won't let you in the house.
They want people to use the cabana bathroom.
Come on.
He's special.
He thinks the rules don't apply to him.
This is unbelievable sponge cake.
Oh, Jeff.
Hi, you having a good time?
Oh, uh, yeah, I just need to use the bathroom.
Oh, the cabana, right over, across from the pool,
they have the restroom in there.
Can't I just go in here, it'll just take two seconds.
Sorry, I can't.
Outside sandbox only.
Straight over there.
There's plenty of toilet paper.
Why can't I go, I'm not wet or anything, you know,
I'm not gonna dirty the house.
I'll wipe my feet.
You know what, I'd love to make a concession...
An exception?
But I can't 'cause I'll get in trouble
by Mr. mellon and so, um,
you know, I know Mr. mellon, I wouldn't worry about it okay?
You know Hugh?
Yeah, I know Hugh and it's no problem, believe me.
'Cause I'll get in trouble.
You're not gonna get in trouble,
I'll take care of the whole thing, I really have to go.
You know what, I don't want any trouble.
There's no trouble, don't worry, don't worry.
It'll take two seconds.
This is fine, this is silly,
come on, this is silly, it's just a bathroom.
Alright, you're just gonna go one, number one, right?
Number one, I'll be done in two seconds, okay...
Okay, hurry up, just number one!
Larry. Hugh.
Tell me you're enjoying yourself.
No.
Glad you could make it.
Larry, how did you get into the bathroom?
I sweet-talked my way in there.
A sweet-talking guy.
Nobody can turn down the David charm once I turn it on.
Do you know what I would do if I had to go to the bathroom?
I would sprint and run her over.
Meanwhile, have you seen anybody from the restaurant here?
Nope, nope, only us.
Ted Danson's not here?
What about Michael York, is he here?
No, 'cause we're the only idiots that accept these invitations.
Right?
Nobody from the restaurant at all, I can't even believe it.
Yeah, so why did we have to come?
We came, we're good this way.
Oh, hello Johnny.
What?
Look what's going on with this kid.
Wow.
Honestly, it's huge.
It's a bigger penis than mine, he's got a bigger penis than me.
Isn't that Hugh's kid?
"Oy vey Mia".
Let's just go, let's just go.
Go?
Yeah, it's circus freak show.
It's circus freak show.
You know what, Cheryl's right, let's go.
We got a freak show here, where are you going?
Please, Larry, it's not funny.
Gee.
Sit right there.
Alright.
This is unbelievable.
What?
They stuff you in like sardines here.
The guy deserves to make a living, you know?
This is gonna be a great lunch here, look at this.
Relax, man, just relax.
I can't even talk, you can't say anything here.
Direct it right to me.
It's like you gotta have a whole whisper lunch,
it's a whisper lunch.
It's like the mafia thing.
( Whispering ) I'm having a dental appointment tomorrow at three.
Um, hey, I spoke to the Hugh mellon guy.
You spoke with him?
I spoke to him about your quote, you know,
"the blank from hell."
You know, he's interested and he's gonna talk to his partner.
Really?
Yeah, you might get into, you might get into bartlett's.
Number one this lunch is on me.
Well, it's about time, you know, I get credit for this thing.
But the right way. Absolutely.
So he's like, he actually, he, uh...
He's positive?
I mean, does he feel good about that it's me?
He actually, he knew of the quote,
but he didn't really attribute it to you.
He just thought that it was...
He didn't attribute it to me?
That really pisses me off that I don't get credit for that.
Yeah, absolutely, I don't blame you.
And at the pool party I told him about your special.
Right.
And I invited him to the hbo screening tomorrow night.
So, he's gonna come if it's okay with you.
No, hey, I'll be able to milk him a little bit.
Yeah.
Thank you.
No, that's cool.
Have you been getting all this?
You been getting all this?
I'm eating my lunch.
This is the lunch from hell.
What, what did you say?
I'm saying this is the lunch from hell.
Where'd you hear that expression?
Girlfriend?
You see what I mean?
This kills me.
Okay, guys, so what happened at alsace?
Alsace s'il vous plait.
Alsace whatever.
He doesn't want to work with us.
I saw that.
What did you see?
I had a little problem with this woman and her husband
who kind of came after me and...
Well, what about Ted's guy, what about Josh?
Josh cooked a beautiful meal, but Larry didn't like it.
A little saucy, a little saucy.
We have no chef.
( Jeff ) no chef.
How long?
We open in two weeks and I mean we basically stopped looking
after we got Randy.
So, we're back to square one.
You got arms on your chair?
You've got arms on your chair.
One second.
I got no arms, what is that?
What are you doing?
I'm just getting a chair with arms.
Larry, what are you doing, you wanna focus?
We're in this mess 'cause you took our chef
for your own little personal party.
At least I was at the pool party yesterday.
You know, I'm trying to be part of this thing.
The what?
I had a pool party yesterday.
Pool party, Jeff and I were the only ones who showed up.
It was a little embarrassing, yeah.
I think you all owe, you all owe him an apology.
No, I told you I couldn't make it.
But I'm glad you had a good time.
Hugh, I'm sorry, I wrote the wrong date in my book.
I just was tied up at the last minute.
We have no chef.
It was a good party, we had a great time.
Thank you, thank you for coming.
But enough about parties, what about chefs?
Well, we all need to take responsibility
for getting a chef.
Absolutely, we have to make
a concerted effort together please.
When I need a new editor I get him, beg, borrow or steal,
I go out, I raid, I get, we need to do that with a chef.
I was in this restaurant the other day, it was a coffee shop.
And, uh, for some reason I had a side dish of applesauce.
And I have to tell you it was really fantastic.
It was so tasty.
And I'm thinking they never serve applesauce in restaurants
and it could really be...
I mean if and when the time comes for us
to be thinking about stuff like this as a side dish.
Alright, we're gonna write that down.
Very helpful, thank you.
And when you look for your chef,
make sure they know a little bit about applesauce.
Yeah, you buy it at a supermarket, it comes in a jar.
We should consider it, you know, for the menu,
encourage people even.
( Jeff ) I think we're good, I gotta go to a meeting.
So, everybody's gonna look right?
Yeah, if anyone finds anything out please call.
It's a very underrated side dish, that's my point.
It's an underrated side dish.
Did you really just sign Sarah Jessica Parker
to a recording contract?
Yeah, why not?
Oh, it's all gonna work out don't worry about it.
It's only money, big deal.
Yeah, my money, Larry.
See you later.
B'bye.
Alright.
And thank you so much for coming.
Oh, please, we had a wonderful time.
I mean it's too bad these other schlubs couldn't, uh...
They missed a good party.
Yeah, they sure did.
The weather worked out, it was great.
Yeah, it's a little rude,
it was a little rude on their part I thought.
I don't care.
So, at the pool yesterday, I saw your son at the pool.
The kid's got some penis on him, he's pretty good.
What are you saying?
Your son, his penis.
What are you saying that to me for?
Hey, it's a compliment, what's the big deal?
What's the compliment, I-i...
Well, how's it bad, how's it bad?
He's got a nice, big penis, so what?
Well, I'm not talking about your wife's tits, am I?
I mean, this is rude...
You could say my wife has nice tits
as long as it's complimentary.
Come on you.
Hugh, not you, Hugh, okay?
Hugh...
Hugh.
Well, I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time.
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
You remember martine,
the mellon's nanny.
From the pool party.
Yeah, she's having a bit of a problem.
A problem I'll say.
Mr. mellon fired me.
It's my suitcase, it doesn't have wheels.
Oh.
So, um, so she came over here.
It seems that one of the guests,
felt the cabana bathroom was beneath him
and made his way into the main house.
How did he find out?
Margarita the cook.
She's got a problem with me.
She told that I was the person that let the guest in.
She squealed on you?
She ratted!
And he fired you?
And he fired me.
Well, of course I remember what you said about, you know,
that you would be responsible if anything happened so...
Did you tell him that it was me?
No, I don't dime, I didn't dime.
So, I remember when I let you in
you said, if there's any problem, I think,
I'll take care of it, so, here I am.
I'm gonna have to hold you to that
'cause I don't have another job.
So, I am homeless.
Except I don't stink.
Okay.
Your home is big.
You know what martine, I bet,
Mr. David can do something about the situation.
Yeah. I hope so.
Is there any way that you could maybe talk to Mr. mellon
and straighten things out?
Because I think if you spoke with him, I don't know,
he would take me back, I'm a pretty good nanny.
I brought my suitcase so, if there's any problem
I can just stay here.
Oh, there's not gonna be a problem.
Larry will take care of it.
Oh, I hope so.
Well, that's a really good idea
and ordinarily I would.
But Hugh and I have had kind of a falling out.
What happened?
Well, I was in the restaurant earlier and...
We got to talking about the party.
And I happen to mention
that I caught a glimpse of his son's penis and...
How about that thing?
It's huge.
And it was probably the wrong thing to do.
Yeah, I think it probably was.
But anyway, like I was saying,
it's gonna be difficult to...
Talk to him.
Why would you do that, Larry?
I took a risk.
You know what, I think you're not gonna have a problem
finding another job.
I mean, people in this town love nannies...
They need them.
Yeah.
But I'll need Mr. mellon as a reference
if I'm gonna get another nanny job.
He was my only reference, that was my first nanny job.
Oh.
What, what, what did you do before that?
Before that I worked at magic mountain
in the looney tunes lodge for 15 years.
Ah.
It's where all the looney tunes characters would come out
and they would sign autographs for kids.
You know, Jeff and I...
Went there once with his daughter.
You did?
Hey, I went in there.
And that song, that theme is played
* da, da, da, da...
They play it all the time.
It was fun.
Can I talk to you in the kitchen for just a second?
Sure.
I told you not to use that bathroom.
Why did she come over here?
I don't know.
Obviously she thinks I'm responsible
for getting her fired and has no place to go.
She brought her suitcase, did you see that?
I saw it, yeah.
Does she think she's staying here?
I don't know if she thinks it, I don't know what she thinks.
Well, I do not want the nanny from hell in my house.
Where did you hear that?
"The blank from hell."
Where did you hear that expression?
Well, my dad used to say it all the time.
You know, everything was from hell.
Now see, that's Richard Lewis'.
It's not Richard Lewis'.
My dad has been saying that, you know what...
Richard Lewis coined that, Cheryl.
Listen, the point is, I do not want her here, okay?
You wouldn't believe the things
that she's been telling me for the last 20 minutes.
She's full of non-sequiturs.
She tells me she likes to pet horses.
She enjoys a good corn dog.
Enjoys a good corn dog?
She takes baths with her socks on.
I mean, honestly she's got a screw loose somewhere.
I don't know, she's maybe a little eccentric,
but she seems perfectly harmless to me.
( Singing looney tunes theme )
Wait a second.
Jeff needs a nanny.
Susie's pregnant.
Their nanny just left.
Susie's pregnant?
I haven't told you, she's pregnant.
That's why he moved back.
But they're looking for a nanny.
You're not gonna suggest her?
Well, why not?
'Cause you don't know anything about her.
What do you mean, she was a good nanny.
She didn't get fired for being a bad nanny.
She got fired for letting me use the bathroom.
If they don't like her they don't have to use her.
Right, they could meet her and...
We're doing them a favor.
This is a win/win situation, win/win.
* da, da, da, da, da... *
you know, we gotta stop off and get some sponge cake.
Okay.
It's my friend's birthday.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm buying him some sponge cake.
There you go.
You like sponge cake?
Yeah. Who doesn't?
How many sponge cakes do you have left?
I have, um, I have a dozen left.
A dozen?
Yeah.
Okay, I'll take them all.
Okay, all of them? Yeah.
Oh, I don't have anymore boxes though.
Oh, that's okay, just put them in saran wrap or something.
I can do that.
Okay, great, thank you.
Yeah.
Hey!
What are you doing?
Take it easy they're free.
Here, get the bell.
I got my hands full too.
Look at me.
( Doorbell )
( Humming along with doorbell )
Hello.
This is martine, the nanny I was telling you about on the phone.
Hi, martine, I'm susie Greene.
Larry, what the fuck is this, what are these?
Oh, sponge cakes.
What do you mean sponge cakes?
It's a birthday present for Jeff.
Larry, he's not fat enough as it is?
You want to give him and he needs this many?
What is, this ridiculous...
Well, you don't understand, it's from Butterman's.
They're going out of business.
The sponge cakes from the pool party that he loved so much.
I remember, yeah, he loved it so much to have a slice...
Not 25, how many are there?
It's ridiculous.
Well, they'll last, they can last five years, you know?
What am I gonna do freeze them?
They're not even in boxes, where are the boxes?
Oh, they're out of boxes, they only had saran wrap.
So, they wrapped them up and you brought them here,
you don't understand.
They're going out of business.
Larry, he's gonna explode, he's fat!
Are never going to be made again, this is it.
I understand, should I care?
Hey, congratulations.
Congratulations on what, dear?
The baby, congratulations.
How did you know about that?
A big bird told me.
Larry, you knew I was pregnant?
What?
Jeff told you I was pregnant?
Well, I didn't...
It's bad luck in the first three months you don't tell...
That's a silly superstition.
Larry, and you told her?
I don't even know her, who the hell is she?
It's not your fault, darling...
I didn't tell you...
Yes, you did, yes, you did.
You know what?
Alright, look, why don't you come in
and we'll have a little interview?
How's that, you look like a lovely woman.
This might work out.
I don't know what you want me to do with these.
I have no place to put them.
I don't have a freezer that's, you know, adequate for this.
Put them down in the kitchen, okay,
just put them down in the kitchen.
Martine dear, come in.
Okay.
Okay?
How are you doing?
I'm nauseated.
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great.
Yeah, come on, you already did it.
It's not a live performance.
It's just, it's already, you already filmed it.
It's good, I've seen it.
Hbo likes it, right?
Yeah, they do, they do like it.
Okay, so there you go.
Are they here now?
No, they don't come.
No, they don't, they see it in their private homes or whatever.
The privacy of their homes?
Oh, is that the proper way of saying that sentence?
Why, you know, you're like an english language cop.
It's like unbelievable.
Hey, by the way, I was thinking,
maybe you can introduce me to that bartlett's guy.
Maybe I could schmooze a little bit, you know,
before the special.
Yeah, well, there's a little problem with that.
What do you mean?
I don't know if you're gonna get that quote in.
I'm not sure anymore.
Why?
He talked to him about the penis.
I just broached the subject.
Why would you do that?
( Cell phone ringing ) I was just curious.
Yeah, but now I'm not gonna get in.
Not the bartlett, yeah.
You're kidding, is she okay?
You should never have brought it up, Larry, fuck.
Alright, I'll be right home.
Your nanny attacked susie.
What?
Is she okay?
Hey, do you want me to...
This whole night is turning out to, oh, Christ.
Don't worry, we'll call.
Should I go?
I can't even watch this now.
Go?
If you leave me now I collapse.
You collapse?
Yeah, I'll collapse.
What's wrong with, yeah, I mean I, I,
you gotta, I need you here.
You say it the same way I do.
Collapse I say.
No, c-l-a-p-s-e.
You don't say collapse, you say "clapse".
Who's that?
That's the kid.
That's the porn baby?
That's the porn baby.
Why is the porn baby here?
Well, because he fired his nanny.
He doesn't have a nanny,
he has to take care of the kid now, I guess.
I don't want a little kid watching my specials.
But his father's here too, so I guess he came.
He decided to come.
I don't want a baby in the screening.
But that's a good sign for the quote.
He's here, he came.
Oh, Christ, that really was great,
but it's too much and it threw me.
Shh, shh, shh.
I took some time off and I was a little burned out.
I hate this show.
It's a grown-up show.
I have to sit through your cartoons, you watch this one.
I want popcorn.
No, popcorn, it's not that kind of theater.
I want a soda.
Hey, shh.
Shh, yourself.
You shush, shush!
You shh poopy head.
No, you shh do-do brain.
You're a do-do brain.
No, these are all new and improved dysfunctions.
I want to go home.
As soon as its over we'll go home, now be quiet.
Shh, quiet.
You big quiet big nose.
Oh, look who's talking.
Hey, don't talk to my kid, okay?
Hey, why don't you get uncle miltie out of here
so, we can watch this thing?
You're stupid.
You're more stupid.
You're much, much stupider.
No, I'm not, you are.
No, you are.
Don't speak to us again, alright?
I'm warning you, I'm warning you.
He wouldn't be here in the first place
if you didn't fire that nanny.
I wouldn't have to fire her if some asshole didn't bribe her.
Fuck Hugh.
Fuck you.
Fuck Hugh!
Hugh, Hugh!
Everything okay?
I called three times last night.
Yeah, well, I haven't checked the messages.
I've been like unbelievably busy.
How is she doing, is she okay?
Go up and ask her.
Is the baby...
She's upstairs, go up and ask her.
Superstition, she was right.
You never should have told me.
Larry, come in.
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry about the nanny and everything.
Larry that nanny she was a sicko.
She was a mental case, she was sick.
What, the nanny?
Oh, my god.
She was mentally ill.
Obviously I didn't know anything about that
otherwise I never would have recommended her.
No, of course, why would you send me a sicko?
Why would I do that?
That would make me deranged.
Yeah, well, she needs to be put away this woman.
Well, what happened?
I left Sammy alone in her room watching TV.
( Looney tunes theme )
( Susie ) all of a sudden she starts screaming.
Mommy, mommy!
I ran in.
The nanny is like watching some looney tunes cartoon
and went crazy.
Oh, yeah, you know why?
'Cause she worked at that loony tunes lodge for 15 years
and she kept hearing that song over and over again.
* da, da, da, da... *
yeah, yeah.
Yeah, she must have snapped from hearing it over and over again.
Larry, she went crazy, I'm telling you.
I mean, she started going wacky.
What did she do?
She starts fighting with me.
She grabbed my arm.
She starts pulling me back and forth.
All of a sudden I'm fighting with this crazy woman.
I mean physically fighting.
Next thing I knew we were like out on the deck.
Out on the deck?
Yeah, like struggling and fighting.
Oh, my god, and then what happened?
She pushed me over the rail.
This crazy woman, she pushed me over the rail.
She was trying to kill me!
What, how...
Here's the thing, lar.
My fall was broken by...
12 sponge cakes.
Captions copyright 2002 home box office
a division of time Warner entertainment company, l.P.
Captioned by hbo communications center