( Clearing throat )
Hey, Larry.
Hey.
How are you?
Okay.
Good.
Hey, listen, is this true?
Did I hear that you were at the U2 concert last night?
( Laughing )
I got to tell you, man, I been thinking about that
and I can't see you there.
Oh, yeah, my wife dragged me there.
She had these tickets, and...
Uh-huh.
So, I did it as a favor to my wife.
It's a little embarrassing to me.
Don't be embarrassed.
Hey, you like to rock and roll.
How'd you know I was at the U2 concert?
Uh, well, you know Marge, at the front.
She called to confirm your appointment,
apparently your housekeeper told her that you had been there.
My housekeeper told Marge I was at the U2 concert?
Uh, that's what, yeah, apparently, yeah.
Yeah.
I didn't know you were into the rock and roll thing.
Well, I'm not, I mean, you know, I just don't like the idea
that everything I do, people are finding out about
through my housekeeper, that's all.
Hey, I don't know what else you did yesterday.
That's the only thing I know about yesterday.
Well, don't mention to anybody that I was at the U2 concert,
if you can.
Alright.
So, let's move past that,
and what do we got going on here today?
Um, I have something stuck in my throat.
Let me see.
I got a, uh...
I got a pubic hair.
You got a pubic hair in your throat?
Yeah.
Alright, hey.
Uh, well, let's take a look at it then.
That's not that unusual.
I got people in here all the time with stuff stuck in their throat.
Generally, between you and me,
it's not even something I do that often, and, uh...
You know what, don't even need to know the schedule.
I know, I'm just, uh, you know...
Let's just take a, up, open for me.
There it is, yeah, I see it.
I see it back there.
It's pretty far back, and it's kind of,
it's kind of wrapped itself around.
So, uh, I can go get it for you if you want me to.
But it will, uh, I'll tell you now,
it's gonna be a little painful for you.
It's gonna hurt, frankly, it's gonna hurt.
There is the other alternative.
Which is, kind of flush it out.
You take some liquids and it will flush out.
Three days at the most.
Jesus, it's just kind of stuck in there and it's scratching me.
You know, I just feel like I can get it up but I can't.
I know, your choice.
Happy to go in and get it for you if you'd like.
Or you can just let it, uh, come on out by itself.
What do you think?
Fine, I'll just wait.
Okay, little advice.
Yeah?
Whatever happened, stay away from that for a couple of days.
Don't worry.
I'll be staying away from it for a while.
Very good.
Alright, always good to see you.
Alright, good to see you.
Alright.
Rock on.
Alright.
Okay, alright.
Okay, thank you.
How did your doctor's appointment go?
Uh, I got about another two days with this thing.
He looked at it and just says it will go away by itself.
Listen, Larry,
we have a lot to do before my parents get here.
What?
What's there to do?
Well, we need to do all their Christmas shopping.
And we need to get a Christmas tree.
We've got to get...
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
What are you saying?
Christmas tree?
Yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna pick out a Christmas tree
and have it set up.
We're getting a Christmas tree?
My parents are coming.
We're celebrating Christmas.
Is that a surprise to you?
Give me a break on the tree.
Do we have to do that?
Of course we do.
It's Christmas.
It's too weird, man.
Come on, that is just too weird.
No, listen, man, you're gonna like it.
I'm a Jew, to have the tree in the house, it's bad luck.
You know, my guy might not,
may think I'm switching or something, you know,
he might not understand.
I think your guy is gonna be fine with it.
Don't you want my...
( clearing throat )
I'm sorry.
Did you tip anybody yet for Christmas?
Huh? No, no.
You're gonna take care of that?
I'll take care of that.
And then I got to go get Jeff, we're gonna go to the club
and tip everybody there.
There's no end to it with this holiday.
But, you know what, it's gonna make feel good.
Alright, I'll see you later, okay.
What should I give her ah, you don't know, ah...
Hey, dora.
Um, could you do me a favor, okay?
When people call and ask for me,
could you please just not tell them where I am?
Okay.
Even the doctor's, the doctor's office called up,
and you told them I went to a U2 concert, you know.
Mm-hmm.
I don't like people knowing where I go.
Okay, okay.
Just say I'm not home.
Not home.
Okay, can you do that?
Yeah. Not home.
Mr. Larry not home.
Yes, exactly.
Okay, okay.
Thank you.
And, uh, here's a little...
Little Christmas, thing for you.
Oh, okay.
Here you go.
Gracias.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Larry, thank you.
Alright.
You enjoy.
You too.
Bye-bye, Mr. Larry.
Oh, Carlos.
Oh, sénor, Larry.
How's the gardening?
Oh, it's good.
Gardening's good?
Gardening's good.
It's good gardening, isn't it?
It's good gardening.
Yeah, it's good.
Oh, gardening good, si.
Yeah, Carlos.
I have a little something for you for Christmas.
Feliz navidad.
Gracias.
( Speaking Spanish )
Very kind.
You know what?
You can use the "tu" form with me.
"Tu"?
"Usted's" a little formal for us.
Why don't we use the "tu" form?
Gracias, jefe, gracias.
Is that okay?
Oh, si.
Informal, "tu", between us, we don't need usted.
Tu, yo.
Feliz navidad.
Eh, tu.
Hey.
So, um, I heard that you were at the, uh...
U2 concert?
My wife dragged me to the concert, so, big deal.
Do you know anyone in the band?
No, well, yeah, I know the lead singer.
What's his name?
I know his name.
You don't know his name.
Yeah, hey, asshole, I know his name.
You don't know his name.
Do you want to bet?
100 bucks.
Okay, his name's, uh, b-o-n-o.
You got to pronounce it.
I don't know how to pronounce it.
I don't know if it's Sonny bono, or bono.
It's bono.
But, you know what?
Because you spelled it, it's a draw.
Okay, I don't owe you anything.
Even, okay.
Who told you by the way?
Dora.
I called the house and she told me.
That is just unbelievable.
I just spoke to her about that.
My doctor knows now, now you know.
She told the doctor the same thing.
Okay, well, you need to talk with your maid.
Well, if you come over my house in a couple of days,
you'll see a Christmas tree there.
Why?
Cheryl's parents are coming, she wants a tree.
It's not gonna end there.
I've never had a Christmas tree in my life.
It's a little unsettling, you know.
It's unsettling.
Nothing worse than Jews with trees.
At least your wife's not Jewish.
Well, my wife's not Jewish, yeah.
But those couples?
Two Jews getting trees.
( Ringing ) they can't let them have their holiday.
We have to hone in on their holiday.
It makes me crazy.
Yeah.
They can't just let them have their holiday.
Listen to me, listen to me.
Susie's on her way up, right now.
Okay, a couple weeks ago, she went out of town,
I made a phone call, like, about two in the morning,
to a friend, woman, plutonic.
Okay, nothing going on.
But she found the phone bill.
And I told her it was you, okay.
I said you got in a fight with Cheryl,
you slept over, and then you made the phone call, okay?
Wow, what a wild story.
I don't think it's that bad.
It's good.
It's pretty good.
I do think it's good.
Well, thank you.
How come you didn't tell her the truth?
Hey, 10 P.M. is the cut-off for plutonic friends.
After 10 P.M. it gets weird.
Hi honey.
Oh, Larry, I didn't know you were here.
How are you, sweetheart?
Hi.
Good to see you.
It's so great when you come.
Aww, here's the keys.
Thank you.
So...
( Clearing throat )
What the fuck is your problem?
What's the matter with him?
What are you doing?
No, no, I got something stuck in my throat.
Just have some water.
Hey, by the way, do I owe you any money for,
um, some of those phone calls that I made last...
Uh, oh, no, no, no.
You were in a bad place, it's my pleasure.
I know I kind of ran up a bill on you there.
It's my pleasure.
Who are you calling at two A.M. from my house, Larry,
what was that about?
I was calling my, uh, housekeeper dora.
Wait a minute.
You have a fight with Cheryl.
You sleep at my house, and at two A.M.
You call your housekeeper?
She was gonna quit, it was a whole huge thing.
She's having big problems with Cheryl.
Cheryl can't find anything.
She couldn't find her pajamas the other night.
So, she yelled at her.
And she was gonna quit and I had to talk her out of quitting.
At 2:00 in the morning, Larry?
Well, she was quitting the next day, I had to, yeah.
You're lying, or you're lying.
One of you two assholes is lying,
I just don't know which one.
We're not lying. We're not lying.
Yeah, you are.
No, we're not. No, we're not.
I don't believe you.
It's true. It's true.
Please, I have things to do, okay.
Alright, let's go to the club and do some tipping.
Merry Christmas.
A merry Christmas to you, my friend.
Thank you for everything.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you, that's very nice.
Merry Christmas.
That was great.
How'd you do?
Oh, beautiful.
It felt good, they're all happy.
What's the matter?
Did...
Did I tip him?
I think I tipped that guy twice.
No.
Yeah.
No, that's ridiculous, he would've said something.
I'm not sure about that.
You know what?
I was just going around tipping everybody,
and I got...
I tipped him twice.
Really?
Yeah, I, yeah.
I got confused.
Why wouldn't he say something to you though?
Why, 'cause he makes twice as much money.
What do you mean, why?
Well, it's just, you know.
Hi, uh, it's a little awkward, but,
you know, I was going around giving out my Christmas...
Yeah, well, that was very nice.
Thank you so much.
Well, you're very welcome, but, um, I'm sure,
you're not aware of this.
But I think I inadvertently, uh, tipped you twice.
Twice?
No, no, you came up and you said, uh, merry Christmas,
and you gave me some money, which was very nice,
and then you walked on.
Yeah, and I did that twice.
No, no, you did it once.
Well, it was twice.
I'm sure you didn't realize it.
No, I would have realized it, if it had happened.
But since it didn't happen, uh...
So, you're saying I only tipped you once?
Uh, yes.
Do you want your first tip back?
No, mm-mm.
Okay.
I'd like my second tip back.
There was no second tip.
A big gold ball there.
Here, yeah
that's perfect.
You've got your gold triangle.
I'm gonna put this one right in here.
Larry, hi.
Hi, Larry.
Look, merry Christmas.
What do you think, you like it?
It's kind of big, isn't it?
Yeah, it's a big one, yeah.
Grab a ball.
Just make a hook, here, I'll show you.
Make a hook.
Uh, no, maybe, maybe later.
And it will hang up really...
It's, like, the biggest thing I've ever seen.
The bigger the better.
Cheryl's in the kitchen, by the way, with Becky.
Yeah, they're baking.
They're baking cookies.
Oh, how wonderful.
So, did you finish your Christmas shopping yet?
No, not quite.
Soon.
What'd you get Cheryl?
( Whispering ) you can tell me.
You know what, I think I'm gonna give her my grandfather's talus.
Talus, what's a talus?
I don't know that.
It's, like, a scarf.
Oh, he's getting her a scarf.
Oh, she loves scarves, is that all?
Yeah.
( Clearing throat)
Got something caught in your throat?
Grape stem.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Well, here, have some...
That's okay.
( Clearing throat )
Oh, this doesn't have a hook.
Hi, Becky.
How are you?
Good.
Happy holidays. Happy holidays.
How are you?
Okay.
Hello, darling.
Honey, why can't you wear the scarf
that dora gave you for your birthday?
You know, the red one?
Because it itches me.
It's itchy.
Well, she brought it up to me today.
She just feels like, you know, you don't care
that she gave you this lovely present.
And then she told me that you yelled at her
for telling people, uh, where you go.
I didn't yell at her, we had a talk,
because my doctor had heard that I went to the U2 concert.
You went to the U2 concert?
You know, she dragged me to the concert
so I went to the concert, so what's the big deal?
Okay, and listen.
And she's upset because you tipped Carlos twice as much
as you tipped her.
What are you crazy? I didn't do that.
You tipped our gardener twice.
That's really in poor form.
You can't do that.
He's lying, just like the waiter.
What?
At the club.
What waiter?
I gave the same waiter a tip twice,
'cause I didn't remember who...
Why are you doing that?
'Cause I was going around in a circle tipping everybody.
I didn't know who to tip and who not.
I forgot who I tipped, so I tipped him twice.
You know what you should do.
You should take her to lunch at the club.
That is a really good idea.
Treat her to a very nice lunch.
What is it, everything she says, you go along with, huh?
I would like it if you took me out to lunch is all I'm saying.
You can disagree with her once.
She happens to think that I'm right most of the time.
So, do you really think I should take her to lunch?
Oh, honey, it would mean so much to her.
Okay.
It's a holiday.
I'll take her to lunch.
I think that's wonderful.
Nice tree by the way.
Thank you.
Carlos.
Oh, sénor Larry.
Carlos, let me ask you something.
Did you tell dora
that you got a bigger Christmas bonus than her?
No.
'Cause she told my wife that you said that.
No, sénor.
Why would she make up something like that?
No sé.
Don't you find that curious?
No, sénor.
( "We wish you a merry Christmas" playing )
You know what I love?
I love how you know when we're gonna run out of soy milk.
You anticipate it.
And then you put a new one in the refrigerator,
so there's always a cold one in there.
I notice that.
Okay, Mr. Larry.
You're a good folder.
Very good folder.
Particularly with the t-shirts.
There's that little kind of thing you do at the end,
you flip them over.
Put in the arms, take it, like, flipped over.
Like a little penguin.
Okay.
I see that, I notice the folding.
The toilet paper...
Okay, let's discuss the toilet paper.
I am never in that bathroom lookin' at cardboard.
As soon as it runs out, you've got the new roll.
I'm never running out of there with my pants
at my ankles screaming, there's no toilet paper.
Mm.
What else, what else do you do?
Toilet paper...
Folding...
Soy milk.
Your sponge replacement's not so hot.
If I can speak frankly.
Okay, Mr. Larry.
Finished?
No, no.
Okay.
Sénorita, algo mas?
No, gracias.
( Speaking Spanish )
What was, uh, what was that all about?
Christmas.
Hi.
Hi, uh, Greene.
Hey.
Oh, Larry's here.
Hi, lar.
Lookie, lookie.
Hey, hi, Sammie.
Hi, Larry.
Susie.
Hi.
I'd like you to meet dora, my housekeeper.
Hello.
This is your housekeeper dora?
Oh, alright, alright, look.
Alright.
I made a mistake, I'm sorry, I apologize.
You sure did.
Alright, I apologize profusely to both of you.
Maybe next time you won't jump down my throat.
Well, I just, I was thinking crazy things.
You insulted me, you insulted my friend.
I know, but I thought you were talking to a woman.
Larry, I'm so sorry.
Frankly, I was pretty insulted.
Okay.
Jeff.
Hey, Chris, how you doing?
Pretty darn good.
Good to see you.
Larry.
Christopher.
Where's that 20 bucks?
You seem like such a lovely woman.
I don't know why Cheryl doesn't like you.
I'm sure it has nothing to do with your work.
I'm sure your work is terrific, 'cause I've seen the house.
Is the best coincidence, that I...
What are the odds?
I know, what are the odds?
What are the odds, this is unbelievable.
I can't believe it.
You are hungry, we'll get daddy.
Honey, Sammie's hungry.
Okay, let's go.
Good, come on, Sammie.
And lar, again,
I apologize.
We all make mistakes.
I know.
Something wrong?
Is it the sponge thing?
* oh come, oh ye faithful, joyful and triumphant *
* oh come ye, oh come ye to Bethlehem *
* come and behold him born the king of angels *
* oh come let us adore him *
* oh come let us adore him, Christ the lord *
* ye lord, we greet thee, born this happy morning *
* Jesus to the thee be...
Come on.
Hey, Larry, join us.
I don't think so, thank you.
The words are right here.
We got them off the Internet, Larry,
they're a little different.
How much longer do you think
the caroling's gonna go on tonight?
Whatever.
We don't know.
( Clearing throat )
Larry.
Can I see you for a second?
Sure.
* oh come let us adore him *
what's up?
Well, dora quit.
What?
Yeah, I asked her why, and she said,
susie Greene told her that I don't like her.
So, I just talked to susie,
to find out what exactly was going on.
Oh, for god's sake.
And susie tells me this story about, uh,
us getting in a fight and...
Uh, you're spending the night over there,
and you're calling dora.
And I told susie that you and Jeff are full of shit.
* the little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head *
* the stars in the sky look down where he lay *
* the little lord Jesus asleep in the hay *
Larry!
What?
What happened to the cookies?
What?
The cookies!
The cookies from... What, from last night?
Yeah.
What, I ate them.
Well, you ate them?
They were for the manger scene.
There, you ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary.
I thought they were animal cookies.
Animal cookies?
Oh, what are you kidding?
Jesus Christ is not an animal!
I thought he was a monkey.
A monkey?
Oh, please!
( All shouting at once )
The son of god was a monkey?
We worked all day on those cookies.
I'm sorry.
You didn't see the hay, the toasted coconut was hay.
The barn.
I thought that was all part of the zoo.
Why would we have a zoo on Christmas day?!
Okay, uh...
You know what, I'll make it up to you.
How are you gonna make it up to us, Larry, okay?
You just swallowed our lord and savior.
I'll make it up.
I'll go get another manger scene.
Yeah, where?
Nothing's open, it's Christmas.
Okay, we're going to go visit our cousin.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you.
Oh, my god.
( Clearing throat )
You'd better look into that.
You lying piece of shit!
Out of my house!
Why?
Out of my house!
I didn't lie.
Oh, you lied.
I didn't lie.
And wait 'til I get my hands on that goddamn Larry David,
the four-eyed fuck.
I'll kill him!
( Clearing throat )
We are humble, simple people.
I know you have traveled far.
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Just continue.
How you doing?
Hello.
Hi, uh...
Let me ask you a question.
How can I, uh, go about, uh,
renting one of these manger groups?
Oh, renting?
We're a volunteer group with the church.
So...
I'm kind of in a bind.
It's Christmas day, we have no manger scene.
Is it a manger scene?
Nativity, certainly a manger.
We don't have a nativity scene in my house.
We had one but I ate it.
They were cookies, and, is there any way that I could,
I could get your group to go to my house?
Today?
Yes.
Oh, it's Christmas.
Yeah, I know.
Uh, wow.
Just for a couple of hours.
Like, three, four hours.
Oh, I see.
Well, actually, we do have a break coming up.
We could probably see our way to your home.
You know, I obviously we would work something out.
Oh, great, a donation for the church
would be a capital thing.
Fine, a donation.
Great, yes.
Okay, um...
Well, we'd have to maybe discuss the donation.
Whatever you think is fair.
What do you think is fair?
Huh, I don't really want to say,
but I guess I'm forced to.
$500...
And a meal of course,
because we're about to have a lunch.
I don't really cook.
It would have to be take out, you know.
That's fine.
Okay, $500, fine.
I'll give you $500.
And the meal.
I don't mean to push.
And a meal.
Okay, which one, which one are you?
Joseph, Larry. I'm Joseph.
Hello, Larry.
Pleasure. Hi, nice to meet you.
So yeah, I just, uh...
That's Mary over there.
That would be Mary of course.
Mother of god.
Uh, okay, great.
So you can put all this junk on a trailer?
It's not junk.
Uh, but we do put it in the trailer.
It all fits in there, it's very convenient.
Beautiful.
Well, this is fantastic.
Works out for everybody.
I'm so thrilled about this.
I was really in a bind.
And you really helped me out, Joseph.
I'm glad I could do that, it's a pleasure.
I will need directions to your home.
Yes, of course, yeah.
( Clearing throat)
( Doorbell )
Joseph.
Hello, sir.
Hello.
Boy, that was fast.
Yes, well, the excellent directions didn't hurt.
Yeah, that always helps, doesn't it?
Yes, it does.
Ah, look at that.
You just packed that manger up in five minutes and you're off.
Yeah, we all have an assigned job, we pitch in.
Too bad, uh, you don't have this Christmas all year round, huh?
You'd make a pretty good living.
Actually we do a passion play in easter.
And around fourth of July we do, uh, hobo revolutionaries.
And sometimes in November we'll do an equinox.
Okay.
Um, I thought we would, uh...
Set up around here, in this area.
Right over here.
Excellent choice, I was thinking the same myself.
Does that work for you?
Yes, sir. Okay, beautiful.
Hi, Mary.
Hi.
Oh, look at, look at the little baby.
Yes.
We've all arrived.
Alright, you got little Jesus and the whole troupe.
Alright, very good.
We'll set right up, in short order.
Alright, set up, and let me know if you need anything.
Very good, sir, thank you.
A nice man, good host.
Alright, let's get to it then.
This is fantastic.
Look at this.
This is great, I love this.
Thank you.
Oh, they're gonna be so thrilled when they come home.
Thank you, Joseph.
Thank you, Mary, Shepherds.
It's our pleasure.
Joseph, let me ask you something.
Yes.
You mentioned something about some interest in food
a little earlier.
Well, we did talk about a meal, yes.
You want me to get a little take-out thing for you happening?
That's fine.
Chinese, deli, what do you like, Joey?
Yes, yes.
Yes to both?
Yes to both.
You want both?
That would be fantastic, thank you.
I guess you build up kind of a big appetite
standing out here doing nothing, huh?
More than you'd think, yes.
Huh, interesting.
Alright, maybe I'll get you a little orange chicken, huh?
Oh, yeah, sounds wonderful.
Does that sound good?
Yeah, sounds wonderful.
But you got to be careful.
They got a lot of hot peppers in there.
Don't eat the peppers.
I like the peppers.
You like the peppers.
I have the tongue for it, yes.
Joseph likes the peppers.
Yes, I do.
I confess. Alright, very good.
Hey, Joseph, let me ask you a question.
Mm-hmm.
( Clearing throat)
Are you okay?
I got a pubic hair stuck in my throat.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
I can't get rid of this thing.
It's killing me.
It's driving me nuts, Joseph.
Driving me nuts.
I'm not interested in your personal, uh...
Oh, boy.
That Mary by the way has quite the bod.
What?
Come on, Joey, between you and me.
You and Mary, huh?
You don't feel like it every now and then?
What do you do?
No, uh, you know what, we're leaving.
That's it, let's pack it up.
We're leaving!
What, come on, Joe.
I'm not going to stand for this!
Don't Joe me, we're leaving.
You will take it back.
Get your hands off me.
You will stand right here and take it back!
Gentlemen.
Take it back!
Kill him, Joseph, kill him.
Shut up, Mary.
Get off me.
( Clearing throat )
Wait a second.
The pubic hair.
It's out!
Captions copyright 2003 home box office
a division of time Warner entertainment company, l.P.
Captioned by hbo communications center