It's something a Kentucky farmer says she's never seen before.
A hand taking newborn puppies under her wing.
So, guess who canceled lunch with me again?
Susie Greene.
Really?
Yeah, and this time,
the excuse was she had to go to the dentist.
So, she had to go to the dentist.
Okay, that's bullshit.
That's like the adult equivalent of the dog ate my homework.
I'm not making anymore dates with her.
She's done it to me before.
I mean, if she doesn't want to go to lunch,
why doesn't she just say, you know what,
I'd rather not go to lunch with you?
Well, maybe she was telling the truth.
I don't think so.
( Coughing )
Listen, are you going to your office tomorrow?
Can you do me a favor?
Maybe.
Can't you just say yes?
No.
What kind of favor am I gonna ask you
that you wouldn't say yes to?
What do you want?
Well, I just saw the osteopath today about my cough
and he told me I should get some colon cleanse.
It's actually called colon cleanse.
It helps the whole system
and he said it will flush, literally flush it out.
What does that have to do with a cough?
I don't understand that.
But he says it'll knock it out like that.
So, please, will you do that for me?
Alright.
Speaking of good eating,
here's Andy portico with this week's restaurant review.
Andy?
Oh, Andy portico's reviewing a new restaurant.
Today I'll be talking about stuffing your face again.
I don't think I've eaten as badly since I was in the army
and at least then I had my youth.
Asshole.
People could've learned something from army food.
Oh my god.
I'd rather eat "c" rations...
This guy is so brutal.
Than the swill they serve in this place.
It's a criminal enterprise, not a restaurant
and all these people should be...
This place is gonna be closed in two days.
All because of this.
He's coming to the opening next week.
Really? Yeah.
But you repaired all the...
All the digging, yeah, shh, quiet.
I'm gonna have to give it a big two thumbs down.
What a surprise!
I'm Andy portico, thanks for watching.
Isn't that clever?
Yeah.
The thumbs down.
It's real original, the thumbs down.
I mean, it's really awful that this guy's, you know,
he's controlling the fate of our restaurant practically.
I know, it's so subjective, isn't it?
It's terrible.
How does he decide?
Guy couldn't get dates.
He takes it out on the rest of the world.
I couldn't get dates, you don't see me taking it out on anybody.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I don't know about that.
But, listen, don't you know somebody who knows him?
Could put in a good word.
You know, Jeff's daughter
actually goes to the same school as his son.
Oh, that's a start, right?
Ah, Jeff's not gonna say anything.
( Coughing )
Goodnight.
What the hell are you kissing me goodnight for with that cough?
Can you get the lights please?
You know how bookstores make you feel stupid?
Yeah.
Well, health food stores really make me feel unhealthy.
Hey, what's this bullshit, by the way?
Susie making up this story about going to the dentist.
She had a dentist appointment.
Well, 'cause Cheryl doesn't believe a word of it.
I was with her.
Yeah, she keeps breaking these appointments with Cheryl.
I was with her, what do you want?
I can't find this colon cleanser.
Ask somebody.
We've been up and down the store 10 times.
Ask somebody, that's why.
Yeah? Excuse me.
I'm looking for a colon cleanser.
Oh, Adam?
Where's the colon cleanse?
The what?
The colon cleanse.
Colon cleanse is aisle "g", it's right behind you.
Oh, okay.
It's just right around the corner, right there.
It's for my wife, it's for my wife.
Who's that guy?
I don't know.
Boy, does he look familiar.
Does he not look familiar to you?
Who's that?
I know that.
The chef, that's our chef.
Our chef's bald.
That's the chef.
Hey!
Hey, Larry.
Phil, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's with the...
I thought you said you didn't want...
Well, yeah, I did, uh...
Came into the interview.
Yes.
I just assumed and I was right that
you were one of those people who find that men
who enhance their appearance are wrong and stupid
so, I took my toupee off.
You came in bald just to get the job?
I'm sorry I deceived you.
I hope this doesn't, you know, affect, you know...
Well, I'm sorry, but it will.
You got hired under false pretenses.
But it had nothing to do with my food though.
I know, but I don't trust you.
What are you talking about?
No, I'm sorry.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, let's go.
I mean, what was he thinking?
That for the next five years,
was he gonna come into work everyday
and leave the toupee at home?
Yeah, right.
Just wear it on weekends.
Live a double life.
Unbelievable.
He had no plan.
He had a good plan.
He knew how to get hired.
Oh, like you wouldn't hire a fat guy, huh?
You don't have a proclivity for fat people?
I think you got a strong proclivity for fat people.
If a fat guy came in, you wouldn't want to hire him?
You would've been all over that fat guy.
You would've loved that fat guy, don't tell me.
All things being equal, I'd hire the fat guy.
Oh, that's right.
And, by the way, it's not like I don't hire other people
who aren't bald, okay?
I don't have a bald manager.
I don't have a bald lawyer.
Yeah, you have a bald accountant,
a bald urologist, a bald travel agent.
You have far more bald professionals
than the average person.
Okay, so I do, so, so what?
Well, I just want you to notice.
Okay, I notice, it's duly noted.
Alright, I knew you'd say duly noted, too.
Oh, did you, oh, you're so smart.
I knew.
You know everything I say before I say it.
Before you say it.
Oh, what a genius you are.
Oh, you knew I was gonna say to that, too?
I knew you were gonna say that, too.
Oh, I knew you were gonna say that.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Aw, jeez.
Alright, listen, I got to go...
We are in so much trouble here, oh my god.
I got to tell these investors now...
What just happened, we have no chef.
This just stinks.
Yeah, wow, you got to tell them.
I'll be there with you, but you got to tell them.
We open in four days, no chef.
And you're gonna tell them you just fired our chef
because he wears a toupee.
Listen, I got to go to Sammy's school,
drop off her lunch, and then I'll take you to your office.
I don't understand, your daughter goes here?
I see older kids.
It's k. Through 12, the whole thing.
Oh, oh dear, aw, look at that.
Poor kid lost his hair, he's getting chemo.
No, no, he's not going through chemotherapy.
Another kid in class is and a lot of the boys
in the senior class, as a show of solidarity,
have shaved their heads.
Yeah. Really?
That's really something.
You know what, maybe...
Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do
something good for somebody like that.
It's really touching.
You've already got like kind of a head start actually.
Ha, funny.
What's all this?
The parents and the kids, they play dodge ball.
Oh, yeah? Yep.
Wow. Yeah.
You know.
Hey, is that, uh...
Andy portico.
That's portico.
Come on!
Boy, is he into it.
Have you ever talked to him about the restaurant?
No, I wouldn't dare.
I used to love playing dodge ball.
You like playing dodge ball?
Oh, yeah.
Why don't you play, get in the game?
Aw, you know, they got a whole thing going here.
They can add, it's a fun game.
I'm not gonna ask them.
Come on, Sandra?
Oh, come on.
Can my friend play?
Sure!
Go ahead, I'm gonna go take the lunchbox to Sammy.
I'll see you in a few.
Alright, I'm gonna play some dodge ball.
Have a good time.
Okay, let's get going here.
Alright, Larry David.
Hey, I'm coming to your restaurant next week.
Oh, okay.
I'm gonna review it.
Come on, Larry, ha, ha, ha, ha.
You're out!
Alright, you're out.
It hit the ground.
It's bullshit!
Hit the ground.
Get out of there!
Hit the ground, portico.
You're out!
Ow, fuck!
What have you done?
Aw, oh, ugh.
What the fuck?
Sorry.
How could this possibly happen?
What were you doing playing dodge ball with Andy portico?
Adults were playing, okay?
It was a parents/kids game.
Well, what are you, what are you,
what are you swinging so hard for?
What, you're injuring him, what are you doing?
I got involved in the game.
He was acting like a bit of an asshole, too, by the way.
It wasn't all my fault.
What about the cook?
We open in three days, we don't have a chef.
Well, the guy was full of shit.
He tried to pass himself off as bald and he wasn't bald.
What do you want me to do?
So, big deal, so, he wears a toupee when he's not here.
Who cares?
'Cause he's liar, the guy's a bald-faced...
Literally, a bald-faced liar.
We've got more problems than that.
We have lost investors.
Ted's gone. Hugh's gone.
Ted Danson is gone.
Okay, but I made up that money, you know that, so what is so?
We are trying to open a restaurant.
You've got to pull us out of this mire
that we are wallowing in.
What about the muck, are we in any muck?
We are, oh, we're in a big muck.
We don't have a chef.
Well, if we're in mire, I would assume that we're also in muck.
Usually one is in muck and mire.
And he just said I was in a mire.
And I was just trying to ascertain
whether or not muck was involved as well.
You were trying to ascertain?
Yes.
Let's not change the subject because I...
Ascertain.
You know, all of this is moot
because after what he did to portico, okay,
he's gonna slaughter us, okay?
He's gonna put his thumbs through the table.
Apologize to portico.
Oh, you know, I'll apologize.
It's not gonna, it's not gonna...
Apologize to portico, that's it.
What's the big deal, Larry?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Alright, I'll go apologize, let's talk about a new chef.
Everybody's got a...
You know, Ted knew another guy, nevermind.
( Knocking )
Oh, Larry.
Andy.
Yeah, you know, I'd get up and shake your hand
except I don't really have any hands to shake, you know?
Oh my gosh.
Well, this is what happens when you break your thumbs.
Oh, god almighty.
And I'm a fucking muppet.
I'm so sorry, Andy.
I'm sorry, too.
We were playing a game and I, we were into it and...
And you threw the thing like it was a fucking hydrogen bomb.
I just, you know, I hadn't played in a long time
and I was having fun and...
Well, I won't be able to review the restaurant, of course.
Why not?
Because I can't do thumbs up, thumbs down.
That's my whole gimmick.
I can't do the show for two months, what am I gonna do?
I can't do this...
Because you can't...
Because I can't do my shtick.
Oh, what a shame.
Yeah, well.
I can't do thumbs up, thumbs down.
You can't go like this.
I can't go like this.
From a stupid dodge ball game.
Well, in any event, it's a shame that
you're gonna miss the opening of the restaurant.
You're not gonna be able to review it.
And, what am I talking about opening?
There's no opening any way because we don't have a chef.
You lost your chef?
Lost the chef, yeah.
Well, that's crucial.
Yeah, I'd say.
You know, as it happens,
I know a great chef who just left martines.
You know martines.
Of course I know martines, in New York.
Yeah, and as a matter of fact, he's out here now.
He's weighing offers.
I got to get this guy's name.
Guy bernier is his name.
Guy bernier?
Guy bernier.
I could put in a word for you.
Would you?
'Cause I love of credibility with him.
Well, this is, I don't even know what to say.
Hey, look, I'm happy to do it.
You know, I mean, no hard feelings, honestly.
You know, it's like this could've happened to anyone.
I brought you your lunch.
Excuse me.
It's spaghetti with marinara sauce and some cheese.
Okay, you fucking idiot, you fucking moron.
How am I supposed to eat that, huh?
Am I supposed to suck it up my ass?
Didn't I ask you to get me a protein shake
or something I could eat, you know,
with, like through a straw?
Listen, I'm fucking hungry so order me something.
I don't care what it is.
Get me something I can fucking eat.
I'll order something else.
Jesus.
I mean, fucking idiot, you know?
Hey, you know what?
Don't worry about it, I'll help you out here.
Let's make this happen.
Okay, come on.
No, no, really, honestly.
Aw, listen, don't.
Andy, will you stop it?
Please, now really.
No, no, you please, no, you please.
No, I, uh, no, come on.
Good, good, good.
It's good, isn't it?
Andy.
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry.
What the fuck are you doing?
Hey, here you go.
I think that I should mention that I have one problem.
And that problem is with salmon.
I won't buy it, I won't broil it, I won't bake it.
Oh.
Well, you got a problem with salmon, huh?
Oh, a big problem.
Big problem.
Well, we won't have salmon, right?
No, absolutely.
Salmon's out.
Plenty of fish in the sea.
Who needs it?
And also, uh, caper.
I can't stand capers either.
I don't like them.
If I see one caper in the kitchen,
there's going to be big problem.
Uh-huh, okay.
Alright, no capers.
Okay?
Yes.
Aw, this is great.
Do you remember martines in New York?
Yeah, sure.
I've been there about three or four times.
This is the guy.
Voila.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
It's my pleasure, it's fantastic spot.
We're thrilled to have you.
I'm thrilled, too.
Okay, well, now I have appointment.
I have to go, okay, bye.
See you tomorrow.
Oh, this is, I'm, I can't...
Well, Larry, nice job.
Shit, shit-face fuck shit cocksucker.
Oh, I'd better get a ticket.
He's got some 'tude, this guy, huh?
Some champagne?
Shall we break out the champagne?
Yeah, let's crack open a bottle of the good stuff.
Look at your car.
Why is your car always so filthy?
Are you kidding me?
Ew, it's dirty...
All of it, inside, outside.
Am I gonna get dirty?
Huh?
You need to wash this, seriously.
Okay, fine, I'll wash it right now.
No, not now.
No, you can't do it now.
I'm meeting susie for lunch.
It's right on the way, don't worry about it.
Listen, this is our make-up lunch
and I don't want to be late for it.
It takes two minutes.
I just don't want another falling out with her.
Listen to how low my voice is today.
Oh, hey, down, down, down.
I'm starting to get stomach cramps.
Down, down.
From that colon cleanse.
Hear that note?
Down.
Outstanding.
And they are miles.
How long do you think this is gonna last?
I think I have to find a bathroom pretty soon.
It's really, like...
Hey, what's the deal here, are we even moving?
Are we moving?
How long is this thing supposed to take?
Do you know?
I got news for you, we're not even moving.
Are we stuck in this thing?
We're not moving.
Hey!
Hello?!
Hey!
Larry, seriously.
Hey!
Bang on your window.
Hey!
Oh, my god.
Seriously, I'm seriously starting to...
It's getting to the point of an emergency.
I can't be in this car for much longer, I can't...
Hey!
Wait a second.
Oh, my god.
Let me call information.
Seriously.
I'll get them on the phone.
I'm getting sweaty.
I got to go, I really got to go.
Alright, just hold on a second.
Hello, yes, I'd like the number of a Glen-rock...
Glen, Glen-rock!
Glen-rock!
R-o-c-k, Los Angeles!
Yes, connect!
( Phone )
Glen-rock car wash.
Hello, I'm stuck in your car wash!
What?
I said I'm stuck in your car wash!
Tell them it's an emergency.
It's an...
They need to turn it off or something.
Turn off your car wash!
I can't hear a word you're saying.
Turn off your car wash!
Alright, what are they saying?
Call back later.
Oh, god, Larry, I can't wait, I can't wait, I got to go!
I got to go, I got to go, I got to go, I got to go!
I'm just saying susie's crazed, man.
She hung up on Cheryl.
A car wash, who gets stuck in a car wash?
It's the truth.
We were stuck in a car wash.
You weren't stuck in a car wash.
The car got stuck in one spot
and she got out and she was soaking wet.
That's why she canceled.
You're telling me the truth?
I'm telling you the truth.
I believe you.
But, susie's never gonna believe any of this.
Well, whatever, you know.
So, let me ask you.
Are you thinking about anything that you want
to put down on the table,
like, before people come in?
When they first sit down?
Do you want to have like bread or something or breadsticks?
Um, olives.
Like a pickle.
Olives, no, I'm sorry for interruption but is not...
They are really ridiculous, olives.
What do you do with pit?
Ever, never, you can do nothing with pit.
It's ridiculous.
No, olives, I'm sorry...
Put in a pit plate or an ash tray or something.
A pit plate, ash tray, pit,
why don't you just call it a garbage plate?
Okay.
Yeah, he's right.
The personality on this guy, huh?
He's a piece of work.
Okay.
Carrot sticks, celery.
What about lemon, lemon in the water?
That's good.
Motherfucking cocksucker asshole!
I'm starting to think that that's involuntary.
Viola, everything is finished now.
It's perfect, it's fantastic, okay?
I just want to say one thing that's,
I am so humbled to be working
in such a restaurant of quality, huh?
It's fantastic.
Oh, it's an honor.
Bye bye, I see you tomorrow, yes?
See you tomorrow.
What do they call that, tourette's?
Tourette's syndrome.
Wow.
He's got tourette's syndrome.
Portico.
Fucking portico!
That prick, I don't believe it.
He's laughing right now.
That motherfucker.
You believe that guy would do something like that on purpose?
Of course he would.
The joke's on us 'cause we need to find another chef.
Yeah, we got to let him go.
We open tomorrow, you want to let him go?
It, no, but it would be different
if the kitchen wasn't, didn't look out onto the dining room.
If it was a, you know...
He's on, practically on stage over there.
It's the design of this room.
It's like a floor show.
We're gonna be known as the restaurant,
the chef that swears.
This is a nightmare, this'll ruin us.
We're gonna be a laughing stock if we allow this to happen.
Are you kidding me?
We have to get rid of him.
No.
What do you mean no?
We can't fire him.
Why? Why?
He's a survivor.
And then I called martines, you know that's the restaurant
where he used to work in New York.
Okay.
And they told me that their kitchen was in the back.
So, the cursing didn't bother anybody.
There was too much noise.
The only people who could hear him
were the people who worked in the kitchen.
But our kitchen's right in the front.
He's gonna be right there.
He's gonna be cursing up a storm.
People could be eating their dinner.
Oh my god.
And, of course, you couldn't fire him.
Yeah, I'm not gonna fire a survivor.
No, you couldn't do that.
Whoa, wow, look at you!
Is it too "knotts landing"?
I know it's a TV show but I don't get the reference at all.
Anyway, but you like it?
Yeah, it looks great.
It's not too dressy?
No, I like it.
Um, well, maybe he won't curse tonight.
He can't control it.
Nothing can control it.
I've seen him twice and he's cursed both times.
I mean, the only thing I don't get is
why he doesn't curse in French.
Why is he cursing in english?
That motherfucker, where did he get that from?
I don't know.
( French accent ) cocksucker.
Stop it, he does not say cocksucker.
He does.
All in english, I don't understand.
Aren't there obscenities in French there that he could say?
Listen, can I just tell you, before we even get there,
that I am not looking forward to running into susie green.
Susie green, yeah.
She hates me.
She really hates me now.
She won't even talk to me.
You know, I mean, what am I gonna do?
Uh, I wouldn't even go if I were you.
It's too awkward.
You're probably right.
Maybe I'll just sit in the car.
Aw, yeah.
How about that?
Really, that's what you should do.
Alright, let's get out of here.
( Giggling )
Oh, geez.
Whoa!
Wow.
Look at that.
See, there's a room over there.
Yeah, this is pretty big.
Yeah.
Pretty good.
I am very impressed.
Huh?
Yeah.
Not bad. Not bad.
See, see, the bell, now, watch this.
Wow.
It works.
Yeah, it works.
Hey. Hey.
Oh, hi.
Wow.
Uh-huh.
Huh?
It's happening, my friend.
Hi, Jeff, good to see you.
This is Cheryl.
These are, these are my investor friends.
Wow, hi.
Lou, Jim, Michael, Teresa.
Pleasure. Nice to meet you.
Great.
What do you think?
I am very impressed.
She's a little knocked out, I think.
I am.
This is not what I expected.
Well, we couldn't have done it without the big guy here.
Is that right?
He stepped up, you know?
He stepped up.
It was a little rocky there for awhile.
That's an understatement.
I think Jim's had a couple of champagnes.
I think Jim Swanson's out of control.
I'm a little nervous, but I think we're gonna make it.
It really looks great.
It does.
Again, eat your heart out, Ted Danson.
That's all I have to say.
Cheers.
Cheers, yeah, you got it.
That's pretty good.
Yeah, cheers, where's your wife?
Oh, she'll be here in a little while.
Uh-huh.
And what's going on with guy?
Any outbursts?
So far, so good.
Yeah, I haven't heard anything.
Yeah, not a peep.
Oh, hey, look, there's your parents.
Hey, there's my dad.
Hello, hey.
It's delicious.
Bonsoir.
Aw, bonsoir, how are you, uh?
Oh, trés bien, trés bien.
Well, it seems like a big success for you.
Oh, my gosh, can you believe what's going on here?
It's gigantic.
And you're feeling good?
Oh, actually, you know, I'm quite upset.
I'm very upset.
Really?
Yes, I lost the lottery by one number only.
One number?
Yes, one!
Yes, look at that, I was one number off in the lottery.
It ends with seven, one.
Here, I have four, one.
What's the point, huh?
It's all rigged, anyway, I'm quite sure of that, huh?
Hey, turn that down.
What do you think you are doing, cooking a goat?
Hey, thank you.
Congratulations.
Let's get that waiter.
Fuckhead, shitface, cocksucker, asshole, sonofabitch!
( Larry ) maybe one day, I'll get a chance to do something good
for somebody like that.
Scum-sucking, motherfucking whore.
Cock, cock, jism!
Grandma, cock!
Bum, fuck, turd, fart.
Cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
Damn it, hell, crap, shit!
You goddamn motherfucking bitch!
Fuck you, you car wash cunt!
I had a dental appointment!
Fellatio, cunnilingus, French kissing.
Rim job.
Right, piss.
Fucking, fucking, fuck, fuck.
Schmuck, fucks, like dungy whacker.
Pussy, big fucker.
Balls.
Boycott, girlcott, e-i-e-i-o.
( Laughing )
Fuck whore!
( Shouting )
Captions copyright 2002 home box office
a division of time Warner entertainment company, l.P.
Captioned by hbo communications center